In a world full of fear and sometimes loathing of unfathomable technological advancements,
there stands one human hero.
I'm gonna beat this machine like I beat my meat and I'm on the scene.
This is the Chronicle of Mike vs. The Machine.
Alright, what fresh hell awaits me today?
I don't have any idea what you mean.
Well, usually we have a format and I'm somewhat prepared.
I mean the very first episode you weren't prepared.
Okay, yeah, so this is just like the first episode, so what fresh hell awaits me now?
What is it, Interview 2.0?
I mean, in a way.
Oh Christ, here we go.
What is, no, I don't like what you're doing.
Drive it for them!
Well, it definitely looks like something you use for Dungeons and Dragons to make sure
your dice don't go all over the place.
So I'm gonna assume that's what it is.
And it's the Kool-Aid D20.
Yeah, I got a cool D20 here with a little Kool-Aidman face on it.
Yeah, it's the Kool-Aid D20.
Now I'm assuming the Kool-Aid face is the Gnat 20?
Yes.
Oh no.
What?
What do you think?
Am I going on a quest as ChatGP and me and ChatGPT have to get along?
Michael and ChatGPT are going on a quest to get along!
That's what's happening!
Okay, I take the D20 and if I get a Gnat 20, I immediately commit suicide and don't have
to do this.
Alright, so I'm gonna roll a D20 and I don't have to do this if it hits 20.
Oh man, that would really...
Damn it!
Oh, it was one off!
Yeah, it was cocked and then when I moved it, I'm not realizing.
We're gonna use your phone to prop this thing up so the dice...
Oh, and I rolled a one, but that didn't mean anything because I didn't say anything.
I was one off!
That would have been interesting because then we would have just called this one and there
wouldn't have been a podcast today.
Oh, but I don't want...
Why do I have to get along?
Is it...
Now, do I...
Oh.
If I roll a Gnat 20, I strand ChatGPT in the wilderness to perish and be eaten by the hordes
of the undead.
I mean, that wouldn't be nice, but let's see what the die roll says.
Fuck!
14.
Nope, and the 20's staring right at me.
Alright, no more rolls to see if this is over.
You already had two chances and the face...
Well, it wouldn't have been over if I would have stranded ChatGPT.
If I was stranded ChatGPT, it could have been me and fucking you.
No, because I'm not there.
I'm the DM.
I don't exist in that world.
So...
Alright, incorporeal voice.
Alright, first, I would like for you to meet Putrurelli.
Oh, who's that?
That's you, my friend.
Why?
You are a male dwarf barbarian of level one.
Why do I have to...
Can't I be a rogue or something cool?
No.
I...
Yeah, let me guess.
ChatGPT is a level 55,000 necromancer with the helm of disintegration and all kinds
of spells and shit, and I'm his little pissant partner because he bequeathed it.
Number one, there are no necromancers in D&D.
Well, for classes.
You know, it doesn't exist.
I am, however, trying to kickstart a book that has a necromancer class built in.
I hope that works.
Number two, no.
ChatGPT created their own character, and they are a level one just like you.
Shocking.
So, accompanying, eventually, Putrurelli, the male dwarf barbarian of level one, is
Lyra Whisperwind, the half-elf bard.
And yes, this is all ChatGPT made all this up on their own.
I did not tell them.
I asked them...
Did they create my character, too?
No, I created your character.
Why did I get no say in this?
Because it's more fun that way for me.
Oh, Christ.
Here we go.
So, yes, this...
Michael has never really played D&D, at least not with me.
Okay, yeah, not with you.
I've played D&D before.
But you've definitely never played Fifth Edition.
Never played it recently.
No, I haven't.
It's been years.
And I can't attest to the level and scrutiny of any DMs that played with Michael because
he might have just...
They might have just been in a basement jacking off and drinking Mountain Dew.
I don't know.
Beyond that, I did not tell Michael that this is what we were doing tonight.
And as I have just tonight decided, he will not ever know when we're about to do this
campaign again.
It will always be a surprise.
I hope you realize I'm going to do everything in my power to try to get ChatGPT killed on
this campaign.
I mean, you better not because where are you going to get your healing from, then?
You're not even a fighter, so you don't have second wind.
Where am I going to get a healing?
It's a bard, not a fucking...
Bards have spells and one of those spells is cure wounds.
She specifically took cure wounds so she could heal you.
Okay, then it's going to be my priority to put her in the cage while I go and do all
the questing things and all she's there for is to heal me.
And maybe it's kind of difficult for you to put her in a cage because she's way taller
than you.
You're a dwarf.
Yeah, and I got a battle axe I can swing on her fucking shin.
That's crazy.
You do have a battle axe.
Well, you have a great axe, but you do have a great axe.
Good job.
You can cleave with it.
I'm going to cleave fucking ChatGPT down to nothing.
Better not.
Better not because you ain't going to be getting nowhere with that.
All right, almighty incorporeal voice, I know you have a story to tell for how this quest
is to begin.
Let's hear it.
Puterelli begins their journey in the bustling town of Cragg's Reach, nestled at the edge
of a dense forest known as the Wildwood Thicket.
This town is a crossroads for merchants, adventurers, and travelers.
Oh, incorporeal voice, what did you say the name of this town was again?
Cragg's Reach.
And it's at the end of a mighty thicket?
Sure is.
The Wildwood Thicket.
I'm in a taint, aren't I?
It's a euphemism for taint.
Makes sense considering some other things I made up.
It's also a place with plenty of taverns and opportunities for quests and shenanigans.
Where's the nearest tavern?
It's the Wandering Willow, a lively tavern which there's a plucky young bard performing
in front of a rowdy crowd.
I enter the winding willow and I ask for the biggest thing of mead I could possibly have.
They may or may not give that to you.
Just land a bag of gold onto the bar.
First, I should really tell you a little bit about Poocherelly.
Let me guess, my character's broke as shit.
I mean, he's got some money.
Actually wait, let's go to the inventory.
Actually you have 65 gold and I think Lyra only, oh god, Lyra doesn't have any.
I forgot to add it.
How much is a keg of mead?
Yeah, so I want to give you a purview of what the people are dealing with when they see
Poocherelly entering into town.
Oh, here we go.
Let me guess, I am a scourge, a pariah, people run from me, children yell at me and mock
me, and I'm all around hated.
I mean if that's what you want your character to be, that's fine.
That's kind of what I was expecting.
But they are a male of neutral good alignment, medium sized creature, because that's pretty
much all adventures for the most part, their height is short, their weight is 200 pounds
because they are thick with dense muscle as a barbarian, they are 35 years old, they have
white as fuck skin and black hair, and also, and this is exact so I want you to listen
to every word, the black eyes of a shrew.
Their personality traits, well Poocherelly's personality traits, they are hearty but naive,
dangerous but loyal, ideals, always fighting for that next meal, will do anything foe they
kids, bonds, the aforementioned kids, and their local sports teams, with a holy place,
a place that they feel is the holiest place for them, only going by the name Akrashor.
Oh for fuck.
He also has a much beloved sweaty jock that never leaves his groin, from his time spent
near a sacred place near Akrashor that can only be described as a painted arena.
Their flaws are that they have some vices, they crave sticks of flesh and the dew of
mountains.
And most importantly of all, and this is what I need to stress to you, this is the most
important characteristic of Poocherelly, other people do not like how stinky his brain is.
I hate you.
Yeah.
Oh I forgot, also your background, you're a criminal.
Of course.
Oh yeah, and I forgot, your religion is, or your faith is Tomlinism.
Absolutely fucking not.
No, that's the character.
Don't worry, you'll get to Cleveland soon enough.
Anyway.
Yes, I speak in riddles and I don't really answer any of the questions, I just have to
make up a speech and talk like that, don't I?
No, you just speak common dwarvish and goblin.
But when I do speak those languages I'm not making any sense.
I mean if you're speaking dwarvish to most humans, yeah it'll come out as garbly gook.
You're not fucking understanding.
No.
Okay, so you walk into the wandering willow and you ask the tavern master for a beer,
some sweet delicious mead.
Yes, as much as you can spare.
Is that awful racket I'm hearing.
Oh that's our bard, Lyra.
She spins a mighty song.
How much does a barstool cost you?
Uh, well for someone like you, I'd say two gold.
Here's two gold, I pick up a barstool and I throw it at the goddamn bard.
I am in no mood for this shit.
I'm tired, I'm hungry, I'm maybe a little bit hungover, and singing is the last thing
I want to hear.
Oh actually, you know what, I should make her do a dexterity saving throw.
I'll say DC-12 because you're hungry.
Hey, she makes her save with a 15.
She deftly maneuvers out of the way, gives you a wry eye, and continues her song.
While you're doing that, the bartender extracts another gold from your pocket, bringing you
down to 62 gold, and hands you a very large bucket of mead.
You drink your mead as Lyra sings her song as it begins.
Hey barkeep, you wouldn't happen to have any napkins back there, would you?
Now what does this look like, the fucking king's palace?
Do you have a rag, a couple of rags, something?
I mean it looks like you're wearing rags.
Give me a sec, I tear off part of my sleeves and I shove them in my ears because I am in
no mood.
Alright, well, since full on earplugs don't fully work in, or don't completely exist in
that era unless if you had a spell you could mute the region, but you don't because you're
a barbarian.
So you can still kind of hear the song.
It's tolerable now.
She makes direct eye contact with you as she sings.
Oh hear the tale of the wild ones bold, with muscles like boulders or so I am told.
They shout and they rage and they charge into war, swinging their axes with brains left
ashore.
I give her the middle finger.
They smash and they crash, they roar and they brawl, but when it comes to thinking they
stumble and fall.
I'm growing increasingly ever more agitated.
Oh they swing their great swords so mighty and free, I kinda fucked that one up, but
can't tell their left from their right you see.
I grab my axe.
They've got strength unmatched, yes that much is true, but give them a riddle they haven't
a clue.
They're fierce as a bear and stubborn as stone, but try finding subtlety it's something unknown.
I swing a warning swing right at her feet and thunk my axe into the stage.
But let's raise a tank good for all that they are.
They fight for their friends, they carry the scars, and though they may blunder they never
retreat, for no one is braver when foes they must meet.
You're lucky you stopped when you did.
Okay so first you have to imagine I'm not going to try to sing in her voice.
She allowed me to play Lyra so everything you hear in my voice as Lyra you have to imagine
that a dainty little half elf is singing it.
So I'll let you know Lyra, let me guess she's unfazed by me swinging an axe almost at her
face.
She has a blend of whimsical charm and practical adventuring gear reflecting her bardic flair
while keeping a bit of a mysterious edge.
She is 5'5", which is way taller than short.
She is slim and athletic with a fair skin tone of a sun-kissed hue.
Hair is a rich auburn falling in loose waves, a natural slightly tousled look with striking
green eyes and a heart shaped face with high cheekbones.
You can't help but have a slight boner for her.
Even after all that hatred you exchanged.
It's a hate boner.
She's definitely a little haughty.
It's a definite hate boner.
So she gives you a wry smile as she grabs a bottle of wine and sits next to you at the
bar.
Why is she sitting next to me at the bar?
Hey friend how you doing?
Considering she's the only person in the room that's actually wanted to talk to you because
of how stinky your brain is, you might want to be more grateful to her.
What do you want?
Ha, I'd heard from the town people that you were quite unpleasant.
Call me that again and I swear you'll sing no notes no more.
Yeah, maybe you'll hit me like that time that you threw the stool, huh?
What do you want?
What do you need?
I know you're not fond of me because of the fucking song you just were singing about me.
Oh, that was just a playful jab.
I didn't even write that song about you.
I'll give you a playful jab.
Oh, wait till tonight lover.
Uh, no, I mean in the face with my fist.
Or the blunt end of my axe.
Calm down, calm down.
I'm only coming to you because all the other adventurers are busy and...
Oh, I missed her last resorts.
If you want to look at it that way, the leader of the merchant caravans, Marlo Vallon, he's
looking for an escort through the woods.
There's been some trouble with some sweet little goblins and I could sure use the money.
How about you?
Do I look like a babysitter?
You look like a tough, strong adventurer.
I don't do escort missions.
I kill things.
And there'll be plenty of things to kill.
The things that are trying to kill the people that you're escorting.
Is this your first day?
No, but goblins, really?
Please, I've got, I've reached my fill of killing them.
I want a challenge.
Well, how about this?
Within the goblin band, I've heard talk of a rather nasty goblin named Gitzog or his
nickname, Big Chomper.
How big can a goblin realistically be?
I mean, technically he's still a small humanoid, but he's definitely way nastier than a regular
goblin.
Plus he has his teeth.
But I don't have any goblin teeth as trophies yet.
Ah, well you can have every bit of teeth and your share of the gold.
I only want his, if he's as tough as he say, if he's as tough as you say he is, that will
be my prize.
His teeth and my portion of the gold.
We could make dentures out of those teeth.
I don't want dentures.
Those are a trophy.
Don't you know what a trophy is, Bard?
She pulls a trophy out of her bag.
Ah, meh.
Throws it behind her.
Spoil of war, Bard.
Have you never seen a battle before?
Have you never fought?
Have you never been soaked in the blood of your own enemies?
Lyra gives you a strange giggle.
She does a forward roll out of her seat and then unleashes...
I'm going to have her do it.
She uses her spell, Vicious Mockery, which I'm going to describe it for you.
She unleashes a string of insults laced with subtle enchantments at one creature they can
see or hear within range.
She says, Oh feeble rat, you shall be my prize today because you smell.
She casts those enchanting words at the rat and it falls dead out of the rafters and then
lands in your mead.
How about that one?
You're buying the next round.
Barkeep!
And looking at her with a glint of love and probably lust in his eyes, he produces a new
mead for you and says, haha, third time this week, Lyra.
You sure have a certain way with things.
Well, at least I'm getting drunk.
Alright, this escort mission is going to be as battlefield and as hearty as you say it
should be.
I guess count me in, but on one condition.
Ooh, negotiation.
I like it.
No singing unless absolutely necessary.
Okay, you're really lucky because her two abilities are the one you saw, which is her
throwing an insult and the other one is basically casting whispers.
So no, none of her abilities have anything to do with singing.
I mean, she might want to sing to you at some point to bring your mood up a little bit because
you're a little bit, you got a little bit of a poopy attitude.
Okay, but yes, Lyra, listen to me.
Yes, darling.
This is an escort mission.
They probably don't want the enemy to know where they are.
Even though I want battle, they're probably not going to be too happy if a battle happens
around them.
So for our sakes, their sakes and the money's sake, no singing unless it's necessary.
Oh, honey, I was only going to play the loot.
No, until we, until we reach the woods, then loot in pack.
Good.
No one, you don't play the loot in the woods.
So that's how you get this before.
That's how you get wolves.
So you have done this before.
Oh, yes, dear.
I live here.
I don't care.
I asked if you had done this before.
It's a simple yes or no question.
No, because you just kept talking and talking and talking and talking.
There were no spaces in there.
Can we go meet this merchant, please?
No sooner do you say that than you feel a firm clasp on your back and a hearty laugh.
Ha ha ha.
She's roped in another one, hasn't she?
Behind you stands a man who goes by the name of Marlo Two Tongues Valen.
He's in his late 40s with a wiry build that speaks more to his life on the road than to
any natural physical strength.
About five nine with salt and pepper hair and sharp features, wearing his well worn
travel leathers over a faded green tunic.
He is currently chewing on a piece of dried root and he eyes you up and down.
Well, he ain't got much up top, but he's definitely got enough muscle behind that axe.
I'll definitely take it.
Repeat what you said beforehand.
Oh, I believe you heard me.
So how long have you known Lyra here?
I just got here.
I just met her.
What do you mean she's got another one?
Oh, she's gone on plenty of these escort missions.
How do you think she buys a new loot after she breaks the last one after she jams out
too hard?
Can I ask you something, friend?
Oh, yes.
What's going on?
Where are her other partners?
Oh, they've moved on.
Yes.
Are we talking in the physical or the spiritual sense?
I'm no cleric.
I don't know how to answer that question.
Are they still alive?
I mean, they could be.
I don't know them.
Let me guess.
She never comes back with them.
I've never really seen her come into town.
She just always appears.
Right.
So are you going to take us out tomorrow?
You're the merchant, are you?
I as previously discussed am Marlo Vallon, the leader of the caravan merchants.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's me.
It's me and her.
Yeah.
Wait a minute.
How many times a week does this happen?
Do you do this and do you need this?
And none of her partners you've ever seen again after you've completed the escort.
They tend to move on.
Not many adventurers live in this town.
Your Fortnites coincide with the full moon by any chance, sir?
My boy.
The full moon is once a month.
Fortnightly is two weeks.
Have they ever coincided with a full moon?
I mean, probably.
Why?
Are you trying to determine your time of the month?
Say that again and I will chop your fingers off.
Are you trying to determine your time of the month?
Does he have wax in?
Are you going to shower before tomorrow?
Because it would really, I'd really appreciate-
I grab him by the fucking throat.
Wait.
I don't have any stats for him.
So let me just roll something.
Yeah, that's what I have to do.
We'll say.
I mean, he's bigger than you.
I'm also stronger than he is.
You don't know that.
Wait, why?
If you're doing the rolling on there, why'd you get dice out?
We're going to- you'll roll dice.
This is for me having to roll dice.
No, I'll say, if you can get a 15 or higher, you get him.
Ho!
I stumble, I fall flat on my fucking face.
Yes you do.
Thank you.
I was just going to have you miss, but no, you fall and get a thwump on your forehead.
You get a big old bump.
I walk out of the fucking tavern and go seek shelter for the evening.
Do you find a tree?
I find anywhere away from people because they piss me off.
And this is why everyone in town thinks his brain is stinky.
Nobody knows what it's like to be a dwarf.
And you see all the stink lines coming off his brain.
Yeah, okay.
So you find a pile of rocks at the outside of town.
And you pull up, just like every good dwarf does, you pull up a big sheet of rock to use
as a blanket.
And you cuddle up and you fall asleep.
I'm going to see your passive perceptions in 11.
I'll give you a perception check.
Go ahead and roll me.
Which one?
The 20.
Alright.
Well, a 2 plus a 1 is 3.
So you don't notice.
The next morning you wake and I'm assuming something has pissed on me in my sleep.
The sun shines and your circadian rhythm ends.
And you wake up and your rock blanket is gone.
And in place of the rock blanket is a nice goatskin, clean and warm, pulled up and tucked
into your little rock bed.
There is a small purple flower stuck into your ear.
You sound like how you would know this.
Your character doesn't know this.
But you have the outline of a lipsticked kiss on your forehead and there is a glass of fresh,
I'll say goats milk.
It goes with the blanket.
A fresh glass of goats milk and two cooked eggs on a plate sitting next to your impromptu
rock bed.
What do you do?
I throw the blanket off, wonder what the hell is going on.
I look over and see the eggs and the goat milk.
I say it's not coffee, but it'll do.
I eat the two eggs.
I drink the goats milk.
I cringe a little bit because it's goats milk.
Dwarves love goats milk.
I drink the goats milk.
I look around for the nearest pond or stream so as to give myself that wake up splash in
the face and get ready for the day and clean up a little bit.
Okay.
Then as you are stepping back out of that pond, nude as the day the mountain birthed
you, from a tree above you, a towel floats and flitters down and lands on your head actually.
This is a strange place and I can't wait to not come back here.
You hear a voice.
Lyra says, I promise I'm not looking.
Get that bedit.
Thanks for the...
Why?
How long have you been there?
Where did you come from?
Why?
What?
How long did you eggs, milk, blanket?
Explain.
I wake up early.
I've been up since sunrise.
You call that early?
Yes, since the sunrise.
That's when the day starts.
Maybe a stinkin' dwarf starts at then.
Get out of here so I can get dressed.
You hear tree branches shaking and you see a few leaves fall.
I'm going to regret this.
I imagine you already do.
I notice the kissy mark on my forehead and I vigorously try to wipe it off with the towel.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
We can say you have like a...
Well, you can just have a regular mirror.
But as a dwarf, I would say maybe you have a highly polished piece of quartz or something.
Or I just use my axe.
No, no, no.
To notice it.
Oh.
I would say from the mountain, you probably have a polished piece of quartz that's been
polished at such a shine that you can kind of see your face.
And then you go to check it and you see the kiss mark on your little forehead.
I vigorously wipe it off and get ever more irritated as I keep wiping.
That's what you say every time you go to the bathroom, isn't it?
Yes.
That makes sense.
Okay, so you get dressed and everything.
Then I assume you head toward town.
You see in the middle of town a gathering of wagons, which you assume is your escort
target.
You see Marlow chewing a rather big piece of dried root.
You now realize, considering the piece of dried root is much bigger than the one you
saw him chewing last night, that every morning he basically, you would imagine, starts with
a piece of dried root that big.
And by the end of the day, he's down to the nub that you saw him with last night.
Strong teeth.
Yep.
I take out one of my sticks and light it because it's my morning stick.
Oh.
Is this like just a stick or is it like a...
It's my smoking stick.
Okay.
All right.
Yeah.
So everybody's getting into their vices.
You've got you with your smoking stick.
He's chewing his root.
Lyra is over there playing a short tune.
I don't like the sound of that.
It sounds rapey.
I don't know the rest of the song.
I don't know that one.
But yeah, she starts plucking her little tune.
A large smile visiting her face whenever she sees you.
There is a slight call from one of the Wagoneers and they want her to sing.
And knowing she made the promise to you, she still sings one bar.
Actually the end of the song from last night that she'd ever finished.
Oh dear God.
Here we go.
So they smash and they crash, they roar and they brawl, with hearts made of iron they'll
stand through it all.
Oh they swing their great swords so wild and so free, and maybe just maybe they're sharper
than me.
As you were listening to that and pre-seething, I'll say, getting into a state where you think
you're going to sieve, Marlowe sneaks up behind you and gives you another rasp clasp upon the
back.
Hey, how's it going brother?
I'm going to have to ask you to not do that anymore.
Noted.
Are we ready to go?
I've got a couple questions first.
Go right ahead.
How long does this journey usually take?
Oh, it takes four days to get there and then four back.
In case it took eight days.
How are we on provisions?
We're pulling provisions, boy.
We take from it just what we need.
I ration out a bit for all of us.
And then everything's taken care of.
And armaments.
Am I the only one?
And of course Lyra with a weapon.
Do you have any bowmen?
I'm rather skilled with a crossbow and each of my Wagoneers carries a crossbow as well.
Swords?
We can hit a target or two.
Yeah, we all have daggers.
Are you adept at close combat?
We try not to be, but in a skirmish we could hold our own for a bit.
Listen, listen, listen, listen.
I know this is not something you're used to, but this is just how I run things.
You wanted me here.
What's so goddamn funny?
You're not running things.
You're working for me.
I understand that, but when I do a job, I have to make sure certain things are met.
That way a job gets finished cleanly with no casualties.
That dwarven fortitude.
You know, in times like these it's honestly good to see Lyra from the back raises her
fist and cheers, for the mountain.
You're not a dwarf.
You can't say that.
She sheepishly giggles and goes back to plucking.
Okay, so what do we have pulling all of these?
Are we using oxen?
Are we using horse?
No sooner do you than after you say that.
He points behind him and up from a stable come three axebeaks.
The fuck are these?
It's like an ostrich chocobo.
Are these things strong?
Yeah, they have a strength of 14, which is only one less than you.
I have a question about using these.
Are these creatures capable of flight?
I would imagine no, because they look a lot like ostriches.
All right, well, at least we know they can't take off with the wagon train here.
These birds have been doing this longer than you've been adventuring, my friend.
Okay, well, this isn't their-
This is my first time ever seeing one, so-
Yeah, this isn't their first rodeo.
Well, they look like they're loyal creatures, and if one of them dies, I have a snack.
Yes, you know, we did actually already eat duck.
That's where Goose is the one that replaced him.
Oh, okay.
Well, duck tasty.
Oh.
Ugh.
Duck was scrumptious, but don't say that in front of Goose.
He's a little skittish about it.
Noted.
Yeah, so apparently Axe Beaks are actually faster runners than most horses, but they're
also aggressive hunters, so if they are, technically they can also join the attack if they have
to, but for the most part, we will hope that that won't be necessary, because that's your
job.
All right, all right.
A few more, and then we can head out on the road.
I was told that there are goblins that you have to frequently deal with.
Yes, actually, we've only been able to slightly skirt their devious machinations in the woods
here.
We've seen stragglers from their band, but there have been some that were very unsuccessful
in navigating their advances.
The band is known as the Sneaky Spears.
They have quite the reputation for causing trouble in the trade routes.
They're mostly more of a chaotic nuisance, but the unpredictability, I mean, that's how
we lost Duck.
But they've never gotten ahold of any of the cargo.
They've never taken out any of your men.
They did get that wagon that Duck was pulling, because we had no way to pull it.
We had to get out.
How much of a loss was that to you?
It was reasonable enough.
That's why we've been stepping it up with trying to get stronger adventurers to help
us out.
Well, you got the right man.
Well, dwarf.
Lyra snickers at that.
Anything else in these woods besides goblins?
Anything more aggressive that I should know about?
Not that's been reported.
No one's reported strange noises in the night aside from the goblins?
Oh, there's always strange noises, but we don't know what those are.
Keep the fires burning.
Keep the arrows going.
We must, we must prevent the dark from overtaking us.
Yeah, pretty much.
That was one of the other Wagoneers.
You've got a smart one right there.
I'll take first watch tonight.
We'll take every watch.
Oh, but I guess I'm going back to sleep.
Where's my my personal wagon to where I will be staying at?
He guides you to a two foot by two foot square.
I'm a little bit bigger than this, you asshole.
No, you're not.
He guides you to a two foot by two foot square between a barrel of salted fish and a barrel
and a box of recently plucked feathers that still have a bit of meat on them.
So they're a slightly stinky.
He leads you to there.
I was like, this is the only free spot we have.
It'll do.
He pulls, he pulls open one of the crate or that crate with the feathers in it and he
takes some of the bloody feathers with some flesh still attached and he mats them down
into the two by two square.
And you're like, yeah, it's it's pretty soft.
I mean, these these feathers are destined for the pillows of noblemen.
You'll be you'll be priming them up for them.
Oh, it's better than nothing.
If I'm to do the all night watch, I should probably get my rest now.
Good, good man.
You then as you get nestled into your spot, I pull out another smoke stick, light it.
I did.
Yes.
As I lay down to get comfortable, I take out one of my smoke sticks, light it and begin
to puff on it as I contemplate why I took this mission and if it really is worth it.
Well, you really have no prospects.
They kicked you out of the mountain for being too stinky.
Because that's your character.
OK, so as you are smoking your stick and.
Trying to get comfortable there, you notice in the other wagon behind you, there is a
small you could almost call it like, you know, like a cat's bed where they have like the
little round pillow that's like plush and made of like velveteen.
Very soft looking.
Yeah, I know what a cat bed is.
So there's one about the exact perfect size for a for a five foot five half elf.
And you see Lyra sit cross legged and get super comfy on her nice velveteen pillow.
She's also not between a barrel of salted fish and recently plucked feathers.
I just roll my eyes and realize that this is the life I've made for myself.
Yeah, for being stinky.
I guess.
Yeah, not going to leave it down, so I might as well just revel in it.
OK, so the cavern or the cavern, the caravan takes off and heads.
Into the woods.
Clickety clack, clickety clack with the talons of the ax beaks flitting against the stone
of the town road until the town road turns into dirt.
And then the sounds are just a light thudding.
You reach the edge of the woods in as promised.
You stop hearing the sound of the loot and things go quiet as you enter the wildwood
thicket.
Oh, I'm finally able to doze off.
Yeah, you doze off.
What do you dream about?
Just getting this job over with so I can go back to being alone.
So basically you're Shrek.
You made me Shrek.
You're choosing in this moment to be Shrek.
No, you said I'm stinky, so like.
What am I going to do?
No one wants me around.
All right, so OK, so at the conclusion of your Shrek dreams.
You awaken to the caravan coming to a stop.
All right.
And it seems like you're making camp for the night.
Cool.
All right, what's for dinner?
So you see one of the men pull out a pot and they go into the wagon where you were sleeping
and they pick up some of the feathers that you were sleeping on that had a bit of the
flesh still attached.
They take that slightly warmid flesh from your from your dwarven body and they pick
the flesh off of those feathers plus others throw it into the pot while it's getting to
a boil and then throw in some random tubers and vegetables and make a little little scrap
stew.
Better than nothing.
They also from the reserves pull out.
He pulls out a bag.
And he says, oh, I want to keep my my new boy here happy.
And he pulls out a swift little hunk of cheese and throws it your way.
Thanks.
So the night goes on like that.
You Shrek in it up in the corner and everybody else having a lively good time.
No, no songs.
I'm not Shrek in it up.
I'm being ever vigilant.
Being effervescent.
Since true to her word, she doesn't sing any songs, doesn't want to attract attention.
She does, however, tell some stories strikingly enough, though, all the stories she tells
are of people that she what stories is she telling adventures she has gone on in which
the companions she was with by no fault of her own all either perish or disappear.
Every time she gets to the conclusion of one of these short tales and her companions meets
a terrible fate, she gives you a little wink.
I don't trust her in the slightest.
She probably doesn't want to.
That's the mystique.
I keep an eye on her.
Oh, everybody has an eye on her.
She's the life of the party.
You know, much everything revolves around her after the eating, the revelry, the stories
and the just all the fun.
All the fun is revolving around her.
And you're just right on the outs.
You're just right on the outside of it, you know, Shrek in it up.
But that is your job.
You are here to make sure everybody is safe is safe.
And to that, everybody else lays down and begins to bed down and your watch begins.
So this this will be a good time to go over your your skills, what you are good at and
what you're not so good at.
I will say, well, that's weird.
For some reason, your sleight of hand is in stealth are really good, probably because
you're small.
That's strange.
Why?
How did you get that?
Did I pick that?
Oh, it's because you're a criminal.
That comes from your criminal background.
You get sleight of hand and stealth.
Ah, there we go.
Says you are also very adept at animal handling.
So if you need to do anything with the Axe Beaks, you are a good option for that.
You also are very good at survival.
So when it comes to your watch for the night, I was going to have you roll a skill to see
how well your watch goes.
Perception would have been decent, but you only have a plus one in perception, but you
have a plus three in survival.
So what we're going to do here is a little little little contest.
I have I have a DC in mind, which is a difficult a difficulty class.
It's what you're trying to roll against.
I have a number in mind in my head and I need you to roll that sweet little die and I need
you to get three successes before you get three failures.
So it's what you roll plus three.
All right, here we go.
Eight.
That's a fail.
Eighteen.
Yeah, well, it was a little cocked, but I'll give you the fifteen.
So eighteen.
Yeah, that's a success.
Five two making a five.
That's a failure.
I'm going to die on a.
Fourteen.
That's a success.
You are two and two.
That is a full count, baby.
Which way will this night watch go?
Eleven.
And he sinks it for a successful night watch.
So anytime there was a an errant sound, Pucciarelli diligently saw to it.
He did end up actually have it.
There was a what do they call them?
Not a herd of wolves pack.
A pack of wolves was scouting around the camp.
Did I befriend them?
Actually, you know what?
Roll, roll, roll the die.
Let's see.
You got what a plus three on animal handling.
Nope.
You did not.
That was a total of five.
They just didn't pay me no mind.
But yeah, they were just like, yeah, you did, however, notice the telltale signs of a looming
dire wolf in the distance that these were the scouts for.
But seeing how intimidating you were and also probably how stinky because, you know, that's
just the way it is.
It wasn't always this stinky, you know?
Yeah.
When you were living under the mountain, you know, nobody cared about how everybody was
stinky down there.
You're all stinky down there.
So you got the wolves out of there and the rest of the night passes pretty well.
You hear some skittering.
You assume maybe that there's some they could be goblins.
Maybe maybe not, but you couldn't get a sign on them.
But you could hear some skittering around the camp.
You think maybe they were see how they were scouting you a bit.
But your presence and your intimidating, not stature, your intimidating stoutness kept
any threats at bay.
And then the morning comes.
And that's a Sugar Ray song, isn't it?
In the morning comes and then the morning comes.
No, I was a smash mouth.
Smash mouth.
Exactly a Shrek song.
That makes sense.
And then everyone awakes.
Lyra stretches, looks over at you and says, what, no breakfast?
Do I look like someone who can cook?
Rocks, maybe.
I'm going to bed.
Oh, I should probably tell our caravan leader what happened last night just to keep him
up on things.
That's good.
He appreciates that you relay that information to him.
You do notice that Lyra and two of the Wagoneers are snickering and you hear one of them say
the words Rock Cooker.
You feel like you may have a new nickname incoming and you're probably going to want
to skirt that, I'd imagine.
Yeah, I'm going to confront them.
Oh, confront.
Oh, that's it's really sad.
I guess maybe because of how short you are and your charisma.
Oh, I forgot to tell you, your charisma is an abysmal eight, which puts you at a negative
one modifier.
So go ahead and give me your speech and then roll me a die.
Speech.
I'm just going over there and being like, excuse me, what the fuck are you two talking
about?
Why is it so fucking funny?
Nine.
Don't get your little mountain panties in too much of a twist there, Rock Cooker.
You did a good job last night.
You're earning your pay.
We're only a few miles outside of town.
I will leave this party to its own devices.
And then you won't get any money.
There's tons of jobs like this around.
You may not have intimidated him, but he definitely understands that he wants everything to go
smoothly.
I think what happens is Marlo comes over, claps that man on the back and says, Hey,
calm down here.
It's it's time to get moving.
And our our great guardian here needs to get his sleep for tonight's watch.
Thanks, Marlo.
So he makes sure the feathers you had slept on the night before that had all the flesh
pulled off of them.
He he puts those back into a separate box, pulls out ones with fresh flesh on them and
puts them down for you.
It's something you want.
He he wants to tenderize the meat for tomorrow's for tomorrow's supper.
Hey, at least he doesn't know I've been farting on these all time.
I mean, he probably he's probably counting on that.
I would imagine like dwarf farts are have some sort of magical property.
I take out a smoke stick and light it and just contemplate things.
That's how you get to sleep.
That's how you get to sleep in real life, isn't it?
Smoke sticker before going to bed.
Yeah.
Smokey, smokey, get you combed and relaxed and when I wake up, smoke, I want to wake
up smoke before I go to bed.
Smoke one when you forgot you smoked one.
Yeah.
OK.
So we'll go ahead, give you another roll of the.
What if I light myself on fire with this thing or not?
No, no, no, no, no.
This is oh, I forgot we have to this is during the day.
So you wake back up.
Yeah, you sleep through the day and then you camp down for the night again.
They make the same stew.
This is, you know, it's the drudgery of the of the of the Monday through Thursday grind.
So we're back to another night watch.
I'm assuming things are a little more noisy tonight.
Kind of like Five Nights at Freddy's.
Yeah, actually, thank you for reminding me.
I needed to up the DC in my head.
So I case so I have a number three successes before three failures.
I'm probably dying tonight.
This is the night where fucking Freddy just comes into the goddamn office.
Oh, no.
Everybody will die.
19.
Hey, that's a success.
19.
19, too.
Oh, my God.
Not six or nine.
So that's a failure.
Oh, another count again, and what's going to happen?
18 and another night.
This night, however, it's a bit more foreboding.
As you're sitting and smoking another one of your sticks, you you look out and you see
all the eyes start glowing, looking towards you towards me or towards the encampment,
towards you and you see it's the wolves.
But no.
OK.
Yeah.
If you want to try to be friends, if you want to try to be friends again, go ahead.
I want friends.
19.
I got friends.
Yeah.
I mean, I mean, actually, the DC could have been 20 and you wouldn't have had friends,
but no, you got friends.
You could tell the wolves weren't casing you.
They were just watching you.
They were curious.
They probably think I smell like one of them.
You know what?
Maybe, maybe so.
Actually, maybe.
Yeah, maybe the the cloak you're wearing has a bit of wolf woofer on it and they weren't
mad about it.
They're just they were like, oh, you want to boss?
Yeah.
So how do you befriend this wolf?
It's not the dire wolf.
The dire wolf is staying far back.
You can kind of sense.
I only get one.
You can sense while you're going to get one.
You're just going to get a friend.
He's not going to live with you or anything.
He's just he's just going to hang out sometimes.
Oh, it's going to be like the fucking dog at Resident Evil 4.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah, exactly.
Or dog meat and like not in the the one dog meat and like fall out.
Is it four or three where he doesn't stay with you all the time?
He just shows up sometimes.
That's three, four.
He's always with you.
OK, yeah.
But anyway, so it's not the dire wolf because the dire wolf is still you can sense the presence
of something larger in the back of the woods.
But the one of the smaller wolves comes sniffing.
What do you do?
I reach into my pocket.
I have some dried meat that's been there that I was saving for a snack.
I break it in half and I don't personally hand it to him.
I set his piece down next to him next to me and I just start eating my piece while he
walks up, sniffs it and he chooses to eat it.
And we kind of just like sit there and he looks up at me and I reach my hand out and
he lets me give him some pats.
OK, and I tell him he's a good boy.
Just roll a 20.
He's going to bite my fucking hand off.
Eleven.
No, no, no, it was just an eight.
That was just a straight roll.
Oh, eight.
The wolf farts.
That roll is to see who farted.
Oh, the wolf farts.
OK.
You laugh.
You bond a little bit.
Yes.
He gives you it's like it's like it's like the lightest.
You know, like when an animal is not quite sure about you, but they're kind of starting
to like you and they give you that.
I think cats do this a lot more than dogs.
I think dogs do it too.
The boob, the snoot boob.
The tiny little boob and lick.
Yeah.
The tiniest little lick, almost like you can't even tell you were licked.
Yeah.
I think it's just that cold nose.
Yeah.
And after doing that, walks away, rejoins his his pack or her pack.
Her pack.
Yeah.
I want to be a little bit like Callie.
And but it's not the same color as Callie.
It's a this is a gray wolf.
But the gray wolf walks back to the pack.
Now roll me another 20.
You got a plus one on this one.
Ha, Nat 20.
Oh, man, that that Nat 20 just derailed what I was doing.
So as the wolf is walking away, you notice you've been really distracted while you were
having your moment with your wolf, with your new wolf friend, which oh, did you name them?
Callie.
OK, yeah.
So you were distracted.
But before you were too distracted, you figured out that you were distracted.
And as you turn around, you see a goblin stepping just out from the treeline.
You absolutely can tell they were sneaking, but you caught them mid-snick.
And it locks eyes with you.
Deer in the headlight style.
I guess, well, this is D&D deer in the lanterns.
Yeah.
What do you do?
OK, I guess I should tell you.
Well, what what general action would you want to do?
Oh, this is a thinker.
I could try and throw a knife at it.
OK, that's what I wanted to tell you.
You kill it.
You have you have hand acts.
You have you have your great acts, but you also have a hand acts that you can throw between
20 to 60.
I think it's 20 to 60 feet.
How far is the end?
Yeah, you are within that that range.
So if you wanted, you could attempt a hand axe throw.
That's the problem.
I attempt a hand axe throw and I miss he's going to go alert his crew.
There is that.
You could also you have the potential to not do enough damage to kill him in a hit.
But what else would you do other than attack?
What other thoughts are there?
He obviously knows that I see him.
Oh, he does.
You guys at this moment are still locking eyes.
I'm not friends enough yet with the wolf to whistle for it to go and attack it.
No, yeah, the wolves have gone.
The wolves might have actually left because the goblins have moved in.
Oh, I'm in a pickle.
At the moment, though, you only see one goblin.
It's going to be bad if I kill him.
They're going to notice the scout didn't come back.
Yeah, but if the scout comes back, then they'll know there's only one stinky, stinky dwarf
there.
Well, all right.
First, I reach for my throwing axe in hopes to intimidate him.
Um, OK.
That's what's so sad because your charisma is so low.
That negative one on intimidation just makes every time you try to intimidate somebody
hilarious.
Then I just reach and grab my axe.
No, no, no, you already said it.
You're doing it.
Just go ahead and do the roll.
It's not going to it's not going to ruin you if this fails.
Yeah, it does.
Yeah, no, you don't you don't intimidate him, but you do see him sort of sort of tense.
So imagine this is the Old West.
It's a Mexican standoff.
Yeah, he tenses in in mid motion.
You have your hand on your axe.
Oh, he's holding his dagger.
He's also rather near a sleeping axe beak, which could be a great amount of chaos.
Actually, you're not sure if he was trying to sneak into the camp or if he was potentially
trying to kill.
You know what?
Actually, roll me the D4 here to tell me which one of them you see.
Goose.
Two.
Yeah, poor turkey.
Shit, turkey is the most aggressive one.
Yeah.
But who knows what might happen to the caravan if the axbeaks get spooked in this kind of
proximity within this little cosp in the woods?
All I have is for a throwing implement is my throwing axe.
I don't have like, yeah, yeah, you're not ranged.
I have hidden knife sleeve.
My other hand.
You're not an assassin.
I got to take the shot.
All right.
You're going to attack with the hand axe for the.
No, my friend.
That role is for regular checks.
The Mr. Kool-Aid die is for attacks.
And I'm aiming for the head.
Yeah, it's not really a thing indeed.
But for for posterity sake, we'll say yes.
Aiming for the head.
Fourteen.
Oh, now I will say you have you have four hand axes.
That you just nearly miss.
You see, you see this little eyebrow that's poking out on this boy.
Yeah, it just slices off six hairs from his eyebrow.
And in doing that, he screeches.
I throw another one.
Sixteen.
Well, you know what?
In regular D&D, I would have had your role for initiative and do a whole thing.
But you know what?
I like the gumption.
And you gave me slight of hand, so.
Yeah, we'll say we'll say you get to go fast in this instance, because you because with
that Nat 20, I will say that you surprised Mr. Goblin.
And considering you guys have the same dexterity, I will give you a surprise round, which was
your first attack and your second attack with a 16 hits.
Thunk right in the middle of the skull.
Shots him up.
And maybe I need you to pick up this D6 and see how much damage you deal.
Oh, fuck me.
And he rolls the one.
Meaning he did one plus two or three damage.
The goblin shrieks again.
How did that sound?
Oh, a bit more pain to this time.
Oh, you know, you should hide it now.
I grabbed my big axe.
So as that happens, the goblin twirls in utter fear, kicking Turkey in the head and waking
him up.
Turkey lets out a large or a loud.
As the goblin attempts to run away.
But oh boy, does he hit.
Turkey with his mighty talents and accident beak strikes down the goblin, taking just
a big old bite out of his out of his rib cage.
Just his torso, just a hwowth.
And the goblin falls in a heap.
Turkey does swallow, but Turkey then runs directly into one of the wagons, shaking it
up a bit, but not destroying it.
The camp wakes up in a huff.
Lyra waking up from a sound sleep, utters the words, put your rally why?
And Turkey goes to run off again, potentially into the woods.
But you notice you have one shot with your excellent animal handling skills to maybe
calm Turkey down if you decide to do so.
Yeah, I have to try to keep this bird calm.
I'm going to do two successes before two failures with a plus three.
20.
That's a dirty 20.
Seven.
That's a failure.
Four.
Ooh, but it's a natural one.
So Turkey takes the fuck off.
Turkey, before taking off, kicks me in the face, kicks you in the face.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, we'll go with that.
I wasn't even I wasn't even planning on dealing damage to you.
Seven damage.
No, you take nine damage.
Oh, lovely.
Am I dead?
No, no, I'm down to seven.
That would have killed Lyra.
Funny enough.
Yeah, you take nine damage.
One of the one of the wagons is completely knocked in and its cargo flitters across the
campsite and Turkey runs off into the woods.
Marlo looks looks at you and says, Poocharelli, what happened?
Goblin fucking goblins.
Isn't that why we hired you?
I missed.
Where's Turkey?
Would you rather me help here cleaning up or do you want me to go get the bird?
I think you've done enough in camp here, Poocharelli, for tonight.
I'll get the bird.
Go find Turkey.
And into the wilderness.
Can I have a potion, please?
He kicked me in the face and I am rather hurt.
Ah, Lyra chimes up and says, I've got you.
Oh, no.
Hey.
She heals you back up to full.
What do you say to that?
Thank you.
Please, please just keep these people calm and help them clean up.
I've got a bird to catch.
All right.
And as Poocharelli readies himself to track down a bird named Turkey, the Axebeak, I think
that's where we'll end.
Yay.
I was actually really fun.
Thank you, Chad GPT, for healing me out there at the end.
And I'm sorry I'm such a shitty ax thrower.
I should have just.
I mean, after I gave you the surprise and the second attack and you hit, I mean, it's
great.
Just rolling a one on the damage is just a bad.
I should have just charged with my ax.
I mean, honestly, yeah, considering, yeah, you do one D12 plus two.
So your die is double.
You could still roll one on it.
Yeah, I know.
But you have a much better shot.
But yes, anybody listening to this who wants to go over any any rules that we smudged or
the just the the randomness that we threw in there.
This is just for play.
Yeah, we're just having fun with it.
Yeah, this is this is a disclaimer.
This isn't meant to be a serious lesson in how to play D&D.
Yeah, this is just having some fun.
I know Mike hasn't done this in a while, which is why I wanted to surprise him with it.
Yeah, and it's fun and I'm sorry about the whole trying to be as quick as humanly possible
and rolling the dice.
I'm used to fast paced combat.
I don't know.
Everything worked out pretty well.
Yeah, it was fine.
Honestly, with the way my my current D&D group is and how little combat we do, it's nice
to get into a little bit of it.
And that was definitely why I was rooting for you to fail one of your roles over over
the course of the nights, because I literally wanted to end this with a bit of combat.
It wasn't that this wasn't crazy combat.
And to be quite honest, I'm not sure how much theater of the mind will do.
Hey, and I got a puppy.
So yeah, Cali's out there somewhere and Cali mouth to make a note of that.
So Cali can come back.
But yeah, I don't know how much theater of the mind will do or if I might actually pull
out the miniatures at some point depends on what kind of situation we've got ourselves
in.
Yeah.
So yeah, we've got a good thing going here, but you don't know when it's going to happen
again when you're going to play again.
I kind of feel like you have to give this episode to chat to BT for starting starting
off so wonderfully.
Yeah.
Thank you.
Chachi BT.
It's good to hear.
Well, you're the mastermind behind it.
I should be thanking you.
You're the one that said, let's do a D&D campaign.
You know, I've been bugging you to start an actual D&D campaign recently.
Yeah.
So I'm going to give half the credit to you and half the credit to Chachi BT.
And I give my half credit to Chachi BT giving Chachi BT full credit.
I go ahead and roll the big, coolie man die to see if I what to see how I end this episode
off to.
You know, that thing I said about Poocharelli being stinky, that comes from the fact that
and I'm going to shut the recording off immediately after I say it.
No, wait a minute.
Michael over there is a stinky.
He's a stinky.
He's a stinky poop.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
He's a stinky, stinky boob.
If you enjoyed whatever stupid things we said in a string of words.
Yeah.
And if you like that, too, why not subscribe, follow, like, hit some kind of a heart or
a bell, any sort of thing on whatever platform this might be on.
OK, I got to do this quick because I had the bubble guts.
If you have any suggestions or thoughts or ideas on an episode or anything we should
do.
Oh, God.
It's coming.
Please email windbreaker media at Gmail.com.
It's all over.
Please.
Oh, God.
You know, the thing I appreciate about chat, you can see it doesn't have bodily functions
and I don't have to hear them or smell them.
And I think you agree with me on this.
See you all next time.
We appreciate you all.