In a world full of fear and sometimes loathing of unfathomable technological advancements,
there stands one human hero.
Okay man, come on, let's just get serious.
This is the Chronicle of Mike vs. the Machine.
Welcome back everybody to another episode of Mike vs. the Machine.
I'm Mike A. And I'm Mike 1.
And of course, on the computer is our AI friend of mine, my most hated of nemeses, ChadGPT.
Hey, can you tell that this is right after I wrote and put out the trailer and the description for the finalized podcast description?
Because he used all the keywords.
Yeah.
You can see the timeline starting to develop.
Yeah.
So, it's that time of year everybody. The leaves are changing, the weather's getting cooler.
Well, for some people.
Well, yes, for some people.
It's that time of year where you start thinking about family and the smell of cinnamon is in the air
and the basic bitches have their pumpkin spice lattes.
I've had some pumpkin, yeah.
Well, because you're a basic bitch, but I'm talking about it's fall.
From where we're at right now, it's fall.
Halloween has come and gone and we're on to my second favorite, Mike 1's first favorite, holiday of them all, Thanksgiving.
And in talking about Thanksgiving, I'm not going to bore you with history.
But Mike, when the Pilgrims first got here and they met Squanto and the natives that were here,
what was the first crop that the natives taught them how to grow?
Well, the natives didn't teach them how to grow it, but it was genocide.
Sadly, yes, and we sit here and as a white male, I apologize to my native brothers and sisters that are still out there.
As a white male, I don't apologize. I'm just very, very sad about it because I didn't do it.
I still should apologize.
I feel guilt.
Yes, so do I.
Residual guilt. It's like genetic guilt.
Very. But no, what was the first crop that the natives taught the Pilgrims how to grow?
Well, according to the American school system, it was corn, otherwise known as maize.
Yes, and that's what today's episode is all about.
Today's episode is all about corn.
Today is...
Corn Tier List!
Yes, and I have to give credit to Mike A. for coming up with this one.
And the second he mentioned it, I was completely on board.
We love good corn.
You know, whether it be on a summertime barbecue and you got that fire pit going
and somebody comes out with like three big corn on the cobs wrapped in foil
and you just throw them bitches into the fire pit.
Let them sit there for a good 30 minutes and you pull them out.
You slather them in some butter and you get the salt.
Alright, so let's just get right to it.
We got to get up in this list.
So I have them, the items that we have picked in an order.
But first, because they're such an important portion of this podcast...
They're not as important as me or you, but I guess you're right.
Okay.
So after I inputted all of the items that we had come up with into Jet2BT,
I asked it if there were any items or references that we didn't touch on
that it could add to the mix.
Alright.
So we'll just go through these real quick.
There are seven, eight of them.
Alright.
Number one is Maze God Myths.
Ancient Mesoamerican cultures, basically corn deities, which is very...
Apart from having an agricultural deity, a corn deity specifically,
and I'm going to just kill this pronunciation, but Centiotal in Aztec mythology?
You know what it reminds me of?
I saw the shitty remake of Children of the Corn at the end,
instead of just the cult leader being, you know, possessed.
He was a corn god?
No, there was a giant corn stalk monster that came out of the corn
and tried to eat people.
And that's when I threw my hands up and said, oh no.
Oh, that's sick. I'm going to have to see that movie.
Anyway, the next one is Nyx Tamalization, an ancient Mesoamerican process
of treating corn with lime to make it more nutritious and easier to grind.
It makes tortillas possible and turns hominy into something uniquely delicious.
Interesting. Lime. Calcium hydroxide.
So not like a lime, but like the lime that Gacy used to hide the body smell.
Interesting. One that we definitely forgot about that your car can't use,
but mine can. Ethanol based fuel. Mine can use E85.
That sucks that I can't.
Yeah, but a corn derived ethanol.
Yeah. Indian corn, which is one I didn't put on here.
You had mentioned it and I forgot about it.
Native American corn, we're sorry.
I mean, well, OK, we'll go by the word Flint corn is what it puts in parentheses.
Yeah. Weirdly enough, even though I have cornbread on the list, spoiler.
Yeah, it's very specific with this one.
It brought up Jiffy cornbread mix.
And yeah, I mean, that's that's a staple of American households.
Oh, yeah. Well, American, probably northern households,
because in the south you'd be making your own.
Oh, yeah. You bring Jiffy into a southern household.
Yeah, I would kill you. I would imagine a southern household.
They'd look at that that box and then they would frickin wicker man you.
Oh, yeah. The bees, not the bees, not the bees.
Corn husk dolls. So more Native American culture.
So basically, I forgot everything Native American except for one thing in my list.
So and again, we apologize to our native brothers and sisters.
We apologize.
Popcorn balls, because we obviously have popcorn, but it went specifically for ball.
I'm sorry. She went specifically for ball.
Popcorn balls just basically like Rice Krispie treats, but with popcorn.
Similar. Yeah. And they're stuck together with marshmallow, right?
And well, it's like butter, a buttery mixture, but maybe some marshmallow.
I don't know. I don't make them because I don't like them. I don't like the. Yeah, no.
The roundness of them. It makes it hard to get that first bite in.
Yeah, they feel like they feel like wiffle balls.
Don't enjoy it. Love Rice Krispies. Those are after here.
And the last one is a maze labyrinth as a Celtic ritual.
Wait, the corn maze is a Celtic ritual?
Specifically in ancient Celtic culture that you created labyrinths in maze fields.
Apparently this is separate from corn mazes in America, or maybe the Celtic cultures brought it over here.
I don't know what the connection is, and we're not going to look into it.
We're going to leave it a mystery, just like everything Celtic in my mind.
It's all a sweet druidic mystery.
Listeners, if you want to do your own research, leave us comments and maybe we'll talk about some other time.
Maybe we'll do an entire episode about the myths and rituals of cultures that we don't know about.
That would be cool.
Celtic would be an interesting one.
Yeah.
Maybe we could pit them against each other in some sort of mental gladiatorial arena like Celtic versus Norse.
Make them do battle in our minds in the mental playground.
So that is.
Onward.
Yep.
I have to give you thanks, Chad GPT, for coming up with something that we didn't think of.
You get a pass for this.
Well, she gets a pass and she gets, well, you get a graciousness point.
And then Chad GPT gets two points for coming up with the ideas.
I didn't know what the point system.
Yeah.
Anyway, on to the main event.
Quarantine list.
Let's get ready to corn.
As the title of this page on my web browser suggests, edit corn tier list, tier list.
All right.
And guys, you want to give us your own tier list in the comments, please do.
Yeah.
Tell us how we're wrong or how we're right or tell us how Michael is wrong and I'm right or the other way around.
Or you can tell us all how Chad GPT sucks and that Mike A is the best.
You know, whatever your truth is.
Anyway, we're going to start off very simple.
And this is also going to devolve into a fistfight canned corn.
B that's a B tier for me.
I could take it or leave it.
It's not my favorite, but I mean, it'll do in a pinch with the right amount of spices.
OK, so I'm going to say, will you give me a because of how ubiquitous it is and how much it is influence my life?
All right. Yeah, I can give you a I can give you a just because like I said,
if you make it right with the right spices and seasonings, canned corn can be pretty fucking good.
It can be pretty delicious, but it doesn't beat the best kind of corn.
OK, so I don't know how much of that I left in, but whatever website I was using, I mean, maybe we should dox them.
Let's dox. Yeah, let's dox these fuckers.
But TearKing.com your frickin website sucks, bro. The second I move something, it deletes my tears and I can't access all the rest of my content.
Fix your shit. Yeah, you suck.
So I went to my tear list dot com.
Now I know what you're thinking.
Why didn't you go to I think it's called tear maker, the one that a lot of people use.
And yes, because I didn't need images because I'm not recording this diphole. Yeah, we just need words.
Yeah. So let's hope that my tear list doesn't break during this one.
My tear list dot com. And let's continue on.
So I bartered for canned corn to be put into a yes because of how seminal it's been in my life.
Yeah. And see, now we're going to get to the next one. All right.
So specifically, we have corn on the cob coming up, but this is fresh corn taken off of the cob.
Still a tear. It's a tear. Yeah, I'll agree.
It's here. And then the next one, we're going to get into a frozen corn.
D. It's just something about you. It gets soggy, soggy.
And if it's not stored like I understand, like if you get it from the store, you can't count on the bag being 100 percent sealed.
So then you're storing your corn in the freezer and then easily get like and then it's got that freezer taste.
So many other vegetables come out of the freezer tasting fine.
Like corn just doesn't. Broccoli, you steam it, you steam frozen broccoli. It tastes like broccoli. It's great.
Corn just does not survive. No, it's not.
Corn is meant to be eaten either canned or fresh. Yeah.
So we'll put that down at D. So for the last basic kind of corn, cream corn.
I mean, I'm going to put it in C. I can live with or without it. It doesn't matter to me. Yeah.
I'll go C as well. It has its use cases. Yeah.
Just wanting like if there's a time because once again, you get back to the frozen corn dilemma where it's like it's not crisp.
Yeah, you need corn's got to have that little bit of a crunch to it. Yeah.
So cream corn, it has its use case. Like here's the thing.
If you if you make some fake, well, not fake mashed potatoes, they're real, but instant.
I mean, that's my mother's influence. I'm making you say fake. They are real.
I watched the How It's Made episode. OK, they're real.
They're flash for their flash boiled and dehydrated, whatever the crap. Yeah.
But you make some you make some instant mashed potatoes, mixing cream corn and butter, swirl that through with some pepper.
It's a decent little like cheap. It's a cheap poor person meal that you can just throw together real quick.
It's like poor person mush attach. Yeah.
Poor people grits. Yeah, I'm going to call it grits.
It's like grittish grits of mesh grit mush.
So, yes, yes, he feels good for that. All right.
Now we get to corn on the cob. That's S tier. That is as like I don't know how anybody in the world could say not as here.
And we all know what you're thinking. Well, there is a better version.
There's a better version of corn on the cob out there. And we're going to get to we're going to get to that.
We're going to get to it. This is your standard summertime fall time corn on the cob. Yeah, I would fall.
No, summer. Yeah. So you said summer. OK. But like no summer like fall.
I'm not eating corn on the cob in the fall. I'm going to have corn on the cob with my Thanksgiving dinner.
What are you talking about? Oh, wow.
I've literally never had corn on the cob for Thanksgiving dinner. Huh. Am I missing out? Oh, yeah.
Dude, you have that. You have your turkey, your potatoes, nice salty buttery corn on the cob right there.
You're stuffing. Should I gravy?
Should I make up and bring some corn on the cob to my mentally handicapped uncle's Thanksgiving dinner down at the group home?
I think you should. I think you should. Maybe I should.
I'll just show up at the mentally handicapped group home and tell them, please, could I put this foil wrapped corn into some sort of heating receptacle?
There you go. And they'll say, well, we're already cooking. We'll throw it in with it.
Throw it in. Yeah. Please. Please. My uncle needs it. It's corn. He needs it before he dies.
No, he's pretty healthy. Yeah. So I mean, I could get to it next year, but this year, you know, why wait? Yeah, why wait, man? Why wait?
OK. So next. Next is a it's it's it's fine.
We're getting more into one. Well, not everything here is esoteric, but this one feels like it to me.
Corn chowder. You know what? That's going in unranked because I've never had it.
Well. But I mean, if you're talking about like I'm not a chow like well, OK, no unranked is more for if we both never had it.
OK. And we also can't like put a judge to it.
I mean, when it comes to soup, I would claim chowder as the my least favorite of any kind of soup. I mean, I hate clam chowder.
Yeah, I'm not a big fan of clam chowder. I've never had corn chowder. I've never had lobster chowder.
Or is it considered lobster bisque? I don't know. Yeah.
But anyway, when it comes to corn chowder, I think I'll put that with cream corn because they feel very similar.
Yeah, see, see is fine. Like you take it or leave it. It's never a soup I'm going to go for. Yeah.
Now, here's something I've never had. And I think the even the thought of it sounds gross.
Corn pudding. Yeah, never had either. And but yeah, the thought of it sounds gross. I think just for the grossness factor, it needs to go in F tier.
We're going to go F. We're going to go F. See, I'm going to put it in F specifically because the idea of corn pudding makes me think of rice pudding and rice pudding.
I'm sorry, mother. It looks disgusting. So, yeah.
And not to mention pudding is supposed to be sweet. Corn is a savory. Corn is sweet. It's literally called sweet corn.
I understand that, but you can make but like when you think about sweet, sweet, you're supposed to have that sugary.
What about meat pudding? Didn't Pink Floyd sing about that? No, it's if you can't eat your meat, you can't have any pudding.
But if you put the meat in the pudding, then it's two birds, one stone.
And then that bird could be on the wall. And then there is a Joy Division. Wait. There's just another brick on the wall.
The bell. Joy Division is a band. Yeah, Joy Division. It's the division. Yeah, the division.
OK, either way, we're not getting into 70s bands here. Well, you know what we're getting into, Michael?
More corn. Popcorn. OK, now how many other instances of popcorn are on this list? I told you zero.
OK, this is the I was going to do caramel corn and stuff like that. But I want popcorn as a concept.
Popcorn as a concept. I was going to do. I see.
And I'm going to say here, I'm going to admit I was going to do like Jiffy Pop popcorn bag and then like popcorn that you just throw corn kernels in oil.
And then there's caramel corn. Yeah. But I'm like. We have to live our lives.
Yeah, there has to be a point where we just move forward into this green and blue nightmare and continue to to either prosper or rot.
So I'm just doing popcorn. OK, so here's the thing with popcorn.
It starts off at movie theater popcorn with them with like if you go to a movie theater and you get the popcorn there and they've got their butt.
Are you kidding me? You out of your mind? That's S tier for me.
You get their butter on that popcorn and salt. And then you have a corn kernel stuck in your teeth a third of the way into the movie.
And you have to live with that for the rest of it. I can deal with it.
Popcorn just gets me bloated. I say you eat a meal before you see the movie and then you just have a drink.
Yeah. Or you sneak in pocket foods. True. Pocket foods like a foods like an entire tray of fried chicken.
You never saw that episode of Seinfeld, did you? No.
I mean, I did see the episode of the Boondocks where they somehow basically smuggled an entire like party sub into the theater.
You know, I think that actually needs to be a future challenge for us.
We need to sneak Raising Cane's chicken fingers into a movie. Oh, hell yeah.
And they need to be piping hot. Oh, so that it's an endurance challenge. Who cannot break? Yeah.
But like I was saying, OK, so you're going to start S tier like movie theater popcorn,
but then all the way at the bottom and F tier is like back when in our drinking days before we became.
Oh, what? Burning popcorn in the microwave because you leave it in there.
No, it's that. No, it's just the popcorn. They sit in front of you at a bar.
Oh, I was never. I was never. I was never dumb enough to waste a bunch of money at a bar.
So, yeah, I used to go to bar and they put like free bowl of popcorn that everybody could just put their hands in.
You got to go for like the pretzels.
And then you have like your middle tiers like your caramel corn, your Orval Red and Bob.
I mean, I would put caramel corn at S. I mean, it is.
So we're getting averages. We're still sitting like kind of.
I mean, I think if we're going to break popcorn as a whole, we have to add one more in though.
OK, how about Jiffy Pop?
But specifically the Jiffy Pop that Drew Barrymore is making whenever she dies at the beginning of screen.
Well, that got burnt to shit. So that's going to be F tier.
Yeah. So I think that brings the average down.
And I think popcorn has to be our first beat. Yeah, I think.
Yeah. I mean, after you if you look at popcorn as a whole with how many ways it can go from all the way up to S all the way down to F.
And like I said, you could literally burn it like I did.
And I just have I've had microwaves in my life, cheap microwaves that just wouldn't cook microwave popcorn.
And that's a detriment. Yeah, exactly.
You should blame the microwave in that instance.
But to be quite honest, I'm going to say B. Yeah, I can. I can live with B tier.
OK, so now we're going to get to another snack. All right.
Corn chips, corn chips. Specifically, like this goes all the way from tostitos to then Doritos.
All the itos. I have to go A.
I mean, you can't put them in S because like, again, too many varieties that can rank from S to F.
And honestly, there's better things you can do with your time.
Now, if we're talking like tostitos scoops, those are S tier.
But that has a lot more to do with the dip. This is true. Yeah.
So, yeah, I feel good with that. All right.
Corn tortillas. Oh, OK. Now, this this one is highly not contentious between us,
but contentious between us and like other cultures. Yeah.
Because I am one for flour tortilla superiority. You're one for soft tacos.
Soft tacos like corn tortillas.
I just feel like they're kind of awful for anything other than making like crappy hard tacos.
But I think any and we just had hard tacos. Yes, we did.
And I think it was good, but it was mostly good because of the meat.
The heart and then the hard taco was literally falling apart from the juice.
I once bought a pack of like 100 corn tortilla, like little ones just to make like little like fajitas.
And I hated the taste. All I wanted was a flour tortilla.
So for me, I could put them in either D or F and I give you final final sway.
We're going to have to go with D because I do like hard tacos from time to time.
Yeah, they have a use case. But once again, now here's actually know what?
Though I forgot I have hard tacos shows on here separate.
So this is like the saving grace will give will give corn just corn tortillas by themselves like the soft version.
We know what? Yeah. Soft version is an F. Hard taco shells come up to a D.
Yeah, that works. Perfect. Here's what I'm not sure if you've ever eaten.
But but but I want this one on the list. So if you've never eaten one, which I haven't, we're going to do it by essence.
What is it? Tamales. I've actually had tamales.
Okay. What was it like? They're fucking delicious. Okay.
I mean, granted, the ones that I had were the store bought. You buy them in the frozen.
Okay. But so in the store bought version, were they in the corn husk that you had to peel off?
No. Or were they just the part that would be inside the corn husk?
No, it's the part that would be inside the corn husk.
So what would you rate them as you had them? See, see now.
See, does it change if we were to think of the idea of having them from an actual ethnic seller that would then have them in legitimate corn husks?
Oh, God, yes. So you raise that to a B then?
I'd raise that probably to an A. You can't when it comes to ethnic foods, whether it be Hispanic, Latino, whether it be African American, Haitian, wherever.
Getting it from the source is king. Like the fried chicken you get at KFC is not the same fried chicken you're going to get from Big Mama.
That Big Mama fried chicken going to kick your ass. You're going to love every second of it. Just the same as the...
Wait, so Martin Lawrence dressed up under cover of a clock?
No, no, no. I'm just talking about Big Mama. Yeah. Big Mama.
That's where he dressed up as the... Not the movie. I'm just the generalized, like the generalized thinking of Big Mama.
So the racial stereotype. It's not a stereotype. You could have just said an African American mother.
Well, grandmother, technically Big Mama's grandmother. We're grandmother, OK. Big Mama's grandma.
Weirdly enough, the one time that I had a... Well, this was a black friend's mom. She brought us chicken. She brought us Walmart chicken.
And you know what though? Considering she was traveling to visit us in college, like she did the best she could, she also brought him a box of ready to make grits, which we'll get to later.
Anyway, she was doing the best she could. And you know what? Yes, I will give Tamales, just for how iconic they also are and the idea of the corn husk, I will give it an A.
Nice. Good. Now, when we talk ethnic corn, this is where it just, I think, pops off. I don't know that you or I have ever truly had it the way we need to have it, but we need to seek it out someday.
Yeah, we need to go to those food truck days they have around here and see if we can find it. This one that we are teasing is Mexican street corn.
Oh my God, like even the shit we got from the ones that we got from Cracker Barrel, it was their version of Mexican street corn.
Even that was amazing. That was delicious. I can only imagine going up to a food truck or going to Mad Mex or going to Los Pajitos even down in South Point. Los Pajitos.
If getting authentic Mexican street corn, that's S tier. Yeah, like I didn't even, I didn't have to wait for you. Like, apparently it's called Ilote.
Oh, and um, well, my heart, Ilote. We had talked about this before and I'm going to go ahead. So ChatDBT made their list. All right. And I'm not going to go over their full list right now.
Okay. But what I will say is their God tier pick was Mexican street corn. Hey, I'm not going to fight it with that.
It earns the top spot because it's a culinary masterpiece. Oh, God. It celebrates corn in its most flavorful, satisfying form.
Oh yeah. It goes on for a whole paragraph. Um, but apparently Ilote or Mexican street corn has roots that trace back to ancient Mesoamerican cultures like the Aztecs and the Maya. Yes.
Who cultivated corn as a sacred crop, as we discussed previously. It was revered as a divine gift, central to myths and rituals. It's a staple street food of Mexico and probably like, probably broadens into the rest of Central America.
Oh, God. It probably, yeah. Probably most of Southern Texas and California. Well, I mean, I was going south through Central America. Okay.
But yeah, like cheese, chili powder and Lord knows it has to have like paprika or something on there. Oh, it's spicy as a mother fire. Yeah. There's so much good stuff in there. But I just wanted to get to that because it's not just spicy. It's also savory.
And it's just, there's a medley. Yeah, it's a medley. Absolute medley. So that, I mean, that went to S without any. And I'm going to say this right now, people, if you eat Mexican street corn and you come out with a clean face, you're eating it wrong.
Oh, I mean, any corn, like our entire S tier right now is dirty mouths. Oh, hell yeah. Corn on the cob and Mexican street corn. Like, there's no doubt. It just looks like you got done eating some good. Nope. Nope. Stop. That's crude. But also, but also delicious. Oh, yes.
All right, we're going to go for a very short speed round.
Corn meal. C. Corn oil. Would like to cook with it. So I'm going to put that in on ranks because I haven't used it yet. No, no, we're going to give it a rank. Let's see. I mean, yeah, we're just gonna see. Corn starch. B. It's at B. I'm going to bring it down to C for the reason I'm going to get to in a second. Corn syrup, including high fructose corn syrup. A because it's an everything.
A because it's an everything. Yay, America. USA. USA. USA. We're so fat. We're so weird. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So I brought down cornstarch by one because do you know how baby powder can no longer be made with talc because it was causing all kinds of horrible problems? Uh huh. Yeah. So people were inhaling rock. So now. Not Dwayne Johnson.
So now baby powder can be made. I don't know if there's other other versions, but this baby powder that's in my bathroom is made from pure cornstarch. So essentially, if you know how the old remedy for getting away sweaty balls was you put like the baby powder. Yeah, well, sexism here much. It's not just balls. It's also vaginas. Well, yes. And that way. Yeah, no, this is why I dropped it from B to C because my mother uses this stuff so loosely.
It is all over the floor of the bathroom and my shorts consistently get cornstarch baby powder on them. And that is why I dropped it a grade because frick this frickin frick that I mean, and if you were to like walk around in a hot summer day after using that, you probably make little silver dollar pancakes. Yeah. Also, I'm not putting powders in my testicles. I'll just I've done it before. No, I'll just wash them when I get home. No, thank you. Anyway, let's get to some that are awkward.
Awkward. All right. Grits. I've never had grits cooked properly, but I heard that if they're made the right way, like they're not like grits are not supposed to be sweet. They're supposed to be cheesy, savory. Okay, but you've never had them. No, just for the way they look in the texture. They're F. Okay.
Now, people who might be listening in southern places, but don't come after us. This is our opinion. We're Yankees. I don't care about southern opinions. I care about southern people, but I don't care about southern opinions because I'm from the north and we won. That was a Civil War reference. I am not affiliated with his opinion. Please, my southern brothers and sisters do not come for me. No, I love you. The south. I mean, oh my God, even though I don't like grits. I mean, some of the best grits.
Breakfasts and breakfast buffets at truck stops. I've ever had came from southern trucks. Oh, absolutely. They know how to put together a breakfast. You want to get good ass biscuits and gravy. You go down. Anyway, polenta. I put this one on specifically for you.
Do you know what it is? Isn't it a dessert? No, it's Italian grits. Oh, Italian grits. I don't think I've ever had polenta before, but now that I know like Italians make it might be better than actual grits.
Okay, so we'll put it at D just for the idea that maybe it's better than grits. Hominy. I have no idea. I don't even know what it is. Is it like a corn version of hummus? I mean, it's made with that taxa-mulumed Nick's tamalization process with the lime. Turns hominy into something uniquely delicious. I don't know what it is.
Yeah, I'm going to mark that as F tier. Anything that was made with something that was used to cover up. You know what? Yeah, hominy goes in F because of John Wayne Gacy. Yep. Okay. Cornbread. Depends on who makes it. You were going to say let's rank this based on moist cornbread. If it's moist cornbread. I have an opinion.
Like I said, if you go to the right house and the right person is cooking it and they're doing it right and you see them pull out that cast iron skillet from the oven. See, you're saying all these words and you're going on so long about it, but there's literally only one word that matters in the end. Moist. Moist. So moist. A. A? A. Yeah. You know what? I wanted B, but with the caviar, I wanted B.
So if you go with caviar of moist, I'll go A. Now here's one that I feel like you have a strong opinion about. Corn dog. Ooh, I love being a good corn dog. See, I feel like corn dog isn't good enough for S, but I would absolutely go for A. Yeah, because there's just so many things you can corn dog.
Now here's the thing. What do you dip your corn dog in? Depends on what kind of corn dog it is. Corn dog. A hot dog wrapped in corn. Ketchup. Ketchup and mustard. Okay, at least you said the second word. Ketchup I feel like is a travesty for a corn dog. Mustard. Plain mustard. If it's a basic, like if it's your basic corn dog, ketchup and mustard. I could go chili though. That I would love to do. That's decadence. Yeah. Mustard. Yeah, ketchup and mustard. You said the word mustard and it makes me happy. Yeah, ketchup and mustard.
Okay, corn fritter. Corn fritter. Isn't that sweet? They're a little. Yeah. I mean, I feel like this is a sea boy. Yeah, it's a sea boy. That's a sea boy. Now back to a salty, delicious snack. Oh yeah. Corn nuts. Ooh, corn nuts. How are your teeth feeling right now? They feel fine. How do they feel after corn nuts? Ow. Yeah. I still love the taste though. I think for that purpose it's gotta go to B.
It's gotta go to B because it's not my favorite snack but I will absolutely crave it sometimes. Yeah. Now here's the thing. I just agreed with you so you should be happy with me. Now we're gonna come to another one that we're gonna have another fistfight about hush puppies. Love them. Love them. Love them. Love them. Love them. It's fried fucking bread and it's delicious because it's so unhealthy. I could literally only ever eat one and then I'm done. We're specifically talking about Long John Silver's. I eat one but that was really good. I look at a second
one and it feels like. Yeah, those are Long John Silver's but I mean. Yeah. We could get actual like Louisiana hush puppies bro. Yeah. Why doesn't Popeyes have hush puppies? I don't know. That's because they have their dry ass biscuits but. They do have shrimp. Yes, they do. Which doesn't help you. No, it doesn't but like I said, I mean. Cajun mashed potatoes. Yeah, the Cajun mashed potatoes. And they're Cajun fries. We're getting off topic. Yeah, we're just. Potato tier list is later. Frickin hush puppies. You want them high. That one that I eat is
good. Can we say B? Give me B. Thank you. Here's an interesting one. Succatash. I don't think I've ever had succatash. Cuz that is I believe corn and lima bean. Isn't that like a Polish dish or something like that? Or I know it's Eastern European. I mean I will say that's oh what was his name? The one that always was chased in Tweety Bird. Sylvester, Suffer and Succatash. Yeah, he would always say Suffer and Succatash which I found interesting. Oh yeah. Chachi Petit even says a basic dish.
Sylvester the cat fans may protest. Yeah, I'm gonna say D. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll go D. Corn pico de gallo. I love pico. I love corn pico. So that's gonna go A tier. I'll go A. That's what I get on all my Mo's. How about the little baby corns in Chinese food? I can live without them so I'll go C tier. You wanna put them in A tier don't you? Would you give me B? I'll give you B. Cuz it's what I'm I don't know when they come in that little Chinese dish like I hate water chestnuts. I like broccoli.
I don't like chewing on those pepper bits but when those little corn boys are in there I just get all all a tier. Alright so two cereals. Two cereals. Where are we putting them? Corn flakes and corn pops. F. Both? They're unflavored just bleh. And not to mention the guy who made corn flakes. Yes. We could have a whole episode about turn of the century nonsense and Mr. Kellogg will be on there. If I give you corn flakes at
F. Would you give me corn pops in A? That's a compromise I'm willing to make. I love corn pops. Cuz corn pops they don't really have a taste. They have a slightly sweet taste and a nice little delicious crunch and then you pour chocolate milk on them. There's where I fucked up cuz I've never had them with chocolate milk. Oh yeah. Alright so we're gonna get into this really so let's not spend too much time on this. This is another lightning round of strange things that we may or may not have opinions on.
Pepper corn. Like the pepper corns you make that you grind. I mean I like regular black pepper but pepper corns if I find them in my meats and I bite into them it hurts and I don't like them so. Yeah you know what I think one of those actually knocked one of my teeth out so I'm gonna drop that to a D. Yeah D tier's fine. Okay here's a strange one I didn't know about. Bourbon. Bourbon Kentucky Whiskey. I've never been a dark liquor fan. I've never been a liquor fan so. Bourbon. I fight. Bourbon was my absolute favorite whiskey. And for you I'll like. For you C tier.
Yeah but I'm also a former alcoholic so F. Okay F tier's fine. F tier for bourbon. And if you guys hey anybody out there who enjoys the occasional drink again personal opinion. No well it's not just that it's a personal opinion it's a specific medical diagnosis for myself. I was never a. A full blown alcoholic. I was never biologically addicted. It was habitual and emotional cuz I never had DTs but I just enjoyed it too much. I enjoyed my drink too much. Yeah. We'll see if that makes
it into the podcast. I'm not ashamed of it. Okay so here's two that I actually just found out from searching around. Alright. So apparently they enjoy a delicious corn beer in the Andes Mountains region in South America. I mean C. Yeah well. It's beer I like beer. I feel like we're gonna we're gonna leave these ones at unranked. Yeah because we have no basis. Yeah. But we're just gonna say so you'll say C so it's like yeah that sounds kind of cool. Yeah. And then corn tea.
From Korea. Oh that I'm shaky on. We need to contact Mr. Mark and Fishbock. Yeah Marky. Marky Moo give me your give me your opinion and you know what until we hear from someone from the Andes Mountains and until we hear from Mark Edward Fishbock we're gonna leave those two and unranked. Now here's one that we actually brought up at the very beginning of the of this episode. All right. Bearing a fish with the maize to help grow the crop in.
Whenever the pilgrims met the Native Americans. I mean we wouldn't be here right now if that hadn't happened. But hindsight being 2020. So do we put that in S tier for cool pilgrims or F tier for genocide. F tier for genocide. F tier for genocide.
All right. How about you know real quick. How about a cornfield. I'm not I like a good cornfield. I'll go B tier on a good cornfield. Would you give me dropping it to a C because I ripped one of my toenails off in a cornfield.
All right. Yeah. Yeah. Because you're a klutzy fuck doesn't mean that wasn't klutz that was coming in clutch winning the game of cornball. I didn't put that on the list. It's a sport I invented.
Where you chuck a ball into a cornfield three people enter one comes out first with the ball. And that's how I lost my toenail was winning that game. All right. I'll give it to you. But please because that hurt. It was my big toenail.
Oh don't wear sandals running into cornfield. I haven't worn sandals since I was 10 years old because every time every summer it's never failed. I would trip and rip off my toenail.
Anyway, how about a corn maze. How am I viewing this as I am now or as a kid. As a corn maze exists.
I'm gonna put it in B because as a kid they're terrifying if you can't find your way out. But as an adult you kind of like oh if I go you know coming into this season I feel like B is is is pretty generous. Yeah B is a good yeah B for corn maze is good.
All right. How about a cornflower. It's basically a weed that grows with corn. That's how I got it's name cornflower.
Does it hurt the corn.
I mean probably it's a weed.
F.
It's also kind of gross. So yeah.
F.
Well not gross but I mean like it's it's concept is gross. How about acorns.
I mean they give us awesome trees and.
And squirrels.
And squirrels and chipmunks love them so.
A.
Yeah A tier.
Yeah. How about a cornucopia.
I mean you know what.
Put a lot of stuff in it.
F tier for being a liar because it was never in the Fruit of the Loom logo.
Yes. Yes. Fuck you Mandela.
F tier for Mandela. How about a corn cob pipe.
I'm going to put that in A tier. You know you could smoke your tobacco out of it. Your wacky tobacco out of it.
Or you could just look like you have some old timey stories while you're sitting on your porch.
How about Frosty the snowman though. He had a corn cob pipe and a button nose and two eyes without a of coal.
And you don't like Christmas.
What about Frosty the pervert who threw it away and lit a cigarette.
A tier then.
A tier.
All right. How about a tricorn hat.
So you know just think about pirates and naval people and Pirates of the Caribbean.
And then if I'm thinking of Pirates of the Caribbean and Johnny Depp it's going to be S tier.
Yeah but there's like the British and like.
Okay then I dropped it to B tier.
B for British.
I don't know if that's actually where those hats came from but you know what it works for the for the alliteration on here.
How about cornhole.
Oh I love me a good game of cornhole.
Now see that's not a game of cornhole but then we also have to factor in euphemism for butthole.
Still A tier.
A tier.
Okay.
I like that.
I love a good cornhole either way.
All right.
Here's three in a row.
Three in a row lightning round.
All right.
Corns on your feet.
Ouch.
F.
Oh corneas in your eyes.
S because I need them to see.
Heck yeah.
S for.
For freaking eyes bro.
How about cornrows in your hair.
Be careful.
I mean they look beautiful on some people.
I just don't think I could pull it off so I'm gonna go B tier.
That's just racist.
B for black.
How about A for African-American.
Works for me.
Heck yeah.
Here's one.
And not just African-American people can wear cornrows.
I've seen a few white people and they do look good.
I'm just thinking I could pull it off.
Ooh I've literally never seen a white person that I thought looked good in cornrows or like
one of those things called.
Dreadlocks.
Yeah.
Anyway corne.
The band.
Are you ready.
Fuck yes.
Corn has been one of my favorite bands.
This boy is peeking out the mic here for corne.
One of my favorite fucking bands of all goddamn time.
They always will be a band.
They were the first cassette tape I ever purchased.
Yeah and apparently.
With my own money.
Was Follow the Leader.
Apparently they are listed as the band that popularized the new metal genre.
Hell yeah.
They're S tier.
They're God tier.
It's cool.
I will go with my you know late adolescence and I'll put them in S tier.
I fucking love them.
Jonathan Davis you are a god amongst men and we're celebrating.
We this year is 30 years since the first corn album dropped.
Let's go for 30 more.
I fucking love that band.
Now let biscuit F tier.
No biscuit gets B tier.
How about cornerbacks in American football.
Pretty important position.
We're going to go A.
I'm going to say A tier.
You know what.
They're because they're almost the cornerstone of the defense.
For De'Shay Townsend.
And Joey Porter Jr.
Who was De'Shay Townsend?
Ike Taylor.
Yes.
You know what yeah.
Steeler fans out there.
Hell yeah.
Rejoice.
Steeler fans unite.
I'll always remember them.
How about corny jokes.
I like a good corny joke every now and then.
You told me a corny joke earlier today.
Oh I can't remember what it fucking was.
Oh I wish we wrote it down.
You know what.
I'm going to put a pause in here and if Mike remembers that corny joke I'm going to edit it in.
Shit I can't remember it.
I don't think I'm editing anything in.
Yeah I can't.
But I'll say corny jokes.
It's good for a B right.
That's a good B Ter.
How about the look I'm giving you right now.
Side eye to bombastic side eye.
No.
Disappointment.
Close.
I don't freaking get it.
Hint it's corn related.
Corner stare.
Staring at me in the corner of your eye.
This ignorance you're displaying is making me look at you with scorn.
Oh for the love of fuck.
All right.
Scorn.
I mean see.
No you know what I was going to ask for B because of Michael Scott's movie character
from The Office Michael Scorn but that deserves an average grade anyway.
Yeah.
So I'll put that there.
Oh technically I did put a corn ball in here but this is not the sport.
We're just talking about being a regular old corn ball.
Yes so this we need to.
There's three here we have to rank corn ball.
I feel like these are going to be A B and C none are S none are D and F.
Need to rank these in A B or C corn ball cornpwn and corn fed.
Okay so see corn ball is kind of like I think it was trite and sentimental is how I had it in there.
Yeah.
So kind of like a homework movie.
Yeah.
Yeah cornpwn is rustic and unsophisticated and corn fed is like is sort of similar where it's rustic.
It's kind of like the characters from Letter Kenny.
Yeah like somebody.
A farm boy.
Clark Kent.
Yeah corn fed farm boy.
Yeah so that's yeah that's those three so A B C.
Corn ball is going to C because I can live either without it because.
Yeah I don't like home I don't like home movies.
Cornpwn can go and B.
Okay.
And corn fed.
And corn fed in A for Clark Kent.
Oh yeah even though I hate Superman fuck him it's all about Bruce Wayne.
Okay corn squabble so basically like a fight in the corn.
I mean ain't no better way out in the country to see who's gonna marry my sister whether it be me
or you than a good old-fashioned corn squabble.
I'm kidding country people I'm kidding.
So C for incest.
Yes.
Okay and how about one of the most important ones of all.
What is one of the greatest times a man can have in his day.
Like from are you talking about like from waking up to the end of the day to go to bed.
Yeah like a day.
Who well as if as being a dad spending time with your children.
That's one of the greatest parts of a day.
That is absolutely and completely incorrect.
The correct answer was taking the shit.
That's well that's how you get my that's how I get my day started.
Yeah and what is one of the greatest things you could find in your bowl.
A corny turd.
A corny turd kind of like Mr. Hankey or well his son.
Corn wait no oh what was the one with the no he had a corn he had a peanut in his.
Oh he had a peanut that's true.
Peanut in his head.
But still.
Corn Wallace was the one's name that he sang the it's the circle of poo.
Okay but anyway a corny turd.
How many curics does it weigh.
But okay so where do the humans rank a corny turd because I have to tell you.
Chachy BT's garbage tier pick was a corny turd.
Bastard.
You know why.
Bitch.
Because she don't don't don't do that.
We we don't we don't use that language toward blessed awesome ladies.
She put a nice corny turd in trash tier.
Yeah garbage tier garbage yeah so.
Yeah so where do we know I that's strike two.
Now anyway.
I put it I'll put it in I'll put that's S tier damn it.
You know what.
S tier two men who love who love taking a poop it's S tier.
Because you know what what better what better time can there be in a man's life.
You know it's it's just time you get alone.
Yep.
You just you time time spent with yourself making things.
Uh huh.
Which thank you Dan Avedan for that.
Yes.
Okay so that is our rank that is our set of rankings.
All right what did uh where did Chachy BT rank uh rank these.
So I gotta go through here.
Number one let me just say that they said uh at the bottom of the F tier deep in the garbage tier
sits the infamous corny turd let's be honest.
No one you are wrong you're wrong wrong wrong.
No one asked for this and no one wants it unwelcome and bizarre.
It's the unfortunate result of nature reminding us that it doesn't always
digest everything the way we'd like.
You know what I never asked to digest corn husks.
No neither did I.
I never asked to digest uh the sugar that corn curdles are made from.
Ladies ladies you want to be truly equal to men you need to start loving your turds the way we do.
Yeah they're beautiful blessed children.
Exactly.
Cellulose thank you Chachy BT because that's one of the quirks of our digestive system is
the inability to fully break down cellulose the tough fiber that makes up the walls of plant cells.
It's a complex sugar that we just can't can't crack.
Don't care I'm still gonna eat the corn.
Yeah it's it's resistant toward digestive enzymes but you know what isn't the delicious innards.
Oh hell yeah.
I enjoy it and I disagree with Chachy BT for sure.
Uh but yeah we'll go over real quick see how it compares with us.
She has Mexican street corn and corn on the cob in S.
Okay.
Uh popcorn is in S.
No.
So she agrees.
You partially I see you I said movie theater popcorn is.
Yeah she also has corn bread which corn tortillas she puts in an egg.
No.
Partially because it's essential for Mexican cuisine.
Oh no.
I don't agree with you.
Chachy BT is also an alcoholic because bourbon is up there.
Oh wow.
Uh tamales uh but you will also have to give Chachy BT a little uh a little hug or a little kiss.
Little hug and little kiss because you know what they also put in S tier.
What?
Corn in the band.
Yes!
All right Chachy BT you get a point.
Yeah like it or not they've stood the test of time in music.
Uh A tier uh corn chips hush puppies corn fritters corn pudding corn chowder polenta
corn hole and corn mazes.
Okay.
It's not terrible.
We matched on corn hole that's fun.
Good.
Uh you're really gonna disagree with this one uh for B tier corn flakes.
Mmm.
It's corn syrup which we well we put higher.
Okay.
A because of because USA uh tricorn hats grits hominy subtly impactful keeps its unique texture
and flavor in many dishes uh cornucopia and then burying a fish with the crop to grow maize
like the Native Americans do.
Uh they put that in they put in B.
Yeah too bad so so we know that Chachy BT is kind of pro-genocide.
Yeah so C tier frozen corn cream corn corn meal those little baby corns in Chinese food
corn flour acorns and cornerbacks.
Really?
I mean come on cornerbacks are essential to to to the past defense.
Yeah exactly.
Uh D tier which I absolutely disagree with canned corn.
Yeah that was.
I love canned corn.
That's a big mistake.
It's so essential to poor people culture.
Yes.
Well Chachy BT has that open AI money like they can.
She's a bougie bitch.
She probably gets the little nibblets in butter sauce.
Oh yeah.
That my well my that one.
Bougie.
Freaking bougie.
They put corn tea from Korea down in D.
Of course Chachy BT would have had the corn tea.
They said it's not universally loved.
They also put hard taco shells in D which I I think that's where we had it.
I think that's where we had it.
Yeah so yeah that's fine.
Uh corn cob pipe down in D.
Really come on have some culture.
Corn cob pipe.
Uh corn nuts.
Succotash and scorn.
The bitterness is real but it's not endearing.
Now we're going to get into the true uh the true test to see if any of Chachy BT's
hatreds are are are offensive to us.
Chachy BT and F tier.
Oh I already see one.
Pepper corn.
That's you know whatever.
Corn starch.
Corn flippin pops.
Oh that's a scorn with you dude.
Yeah it says decent cereal although though it's more about sugar than corn.
It's not that sugary guys.
That's the whole point.
Yeah it's supposed to be a healthy alternative.
Uh corn squabble.
Corny jokes.
You know what in Chachy BT.
Chachy BT doesn't like a pun.
Get your highfalutin nose up in the air ass out of here.
Hey I'm highfalutin.
That was in the trailer.
Oh okay get your upper crust nosed in the air.
Yeah yeah yeah yeah.
Your bougie-ness.
I'm not upper crust even though I do like a tall crust but still.
Get your bougie-ness out of here.
Uh oh Chachy BT F tier for corn rose in hair.
Important cultural style but it isn't edible.
Who said that corn rose had to be edible?
If you're eating hair you have a problem.
What hair is edible?
Okay corn's on feet.
That makes sense.
Yes.
Painful and unwanted.
Corn ball.
Feeling overdone and uninspired.
Yes.
It put corn fed all the way down.
Wow.
Praising farm raised bulk but doesn't necessarily scream delicious.
We're not talking about oh my god.
There are plenty of corn fed hunks who think.
Otherwise.
That people think are delicious.
Yes.
And then yes a corny turd.
It's there it's unavoidable and we'd rather not dwell on it.
I will take a picture of it and send it to Chachy BT.
Especially if it's one of those perfect ones.
Yeah I feel like this was inevitable that an episode about food would have to go to the humans.
Yes.
But specifically I'm gonna give the win to me.
What fuck off?
Like you came up with the idea for Quarantier List.
When do I get to win one here for Cryonaut?
This is bullshit.
You won Monkey World.
Well we won Monkey World.
So then give this one to me.
I mean you came up with the idea for Quarantier List but then I did all the work.
I hate you.
You know what?
How about we just give this one to corn?
Okay.
Let's give this one to corn.
We're gonna give this one to corn.
Or let's give this one to the Native Americans.
Yes.
They.
Let's give this one to the indigenous peoples.
That our ancestors so surely destroyed and dismantled.
Like they have casinos which is horrible because it goes against their the entire idea of them.
They didn't have the idea of possessions and money.
No exactly.
Which is how we tricked them into giving us Manhattan Island for like 80 beads or something.
And then there were also disease blankets.
There's like a whole book you can read about this.
It's awful.
Anyway.
Chachibut says thank you.
And here is their corniest nugget of wisdom from Michael.
This is just for you.
Oh here we go.
So what I want you to make sure you notice is that not only is this quote surrounded by quotation marks.
It's also surrounded by corn.
Little kernels.
Little corncops.
Which was an S here for you.
Yes.
Little corncops.
I know.
So this is like a double corn quote.
Uh huh.
Remember Michael.
Just like corn.
Life's best moments sometimes come with a little pop.
A lot of layers.
And maybe even a kernel of surprise.
So embrace the husks.
Savor the sweetness.
And keep things just a little bit corny.
Because that's where the flavor's at.
Hey Chachibut.
To quote corn the band.
I'm here to stay.
Here's the other thing.
They put corn in the bag.
They put corny jokes.
And cornball trait and sentimental in F tier.
And then they decided to call me both.
Give me a corny joke and then call me a corn.
Yeah that quote was very very uh cornball.
And very kind of corny.
So no.
Your wisdom won't guide me through corn related quandaries with buttery smoothness Chachibut.
I think that the indigenous peoples win this episode in Mike's name.
I'll take it.
But his name doesn't actually get him any sort of like monetary or podcast currency related value.
Is that good?
Until next time everybody.
Keep it corny.
If you enjoyed that stupid thing.
Whatever just happened.
Why not subscribe to it.
Or follow it.
Or just like it.
I don't know.
Whatever it is you're doing on whatever platform this is on.
If you have any suggestions for episodes or ideas.
Episode ideas.
Whatever.
Feet pics included.
Hey you can send those in the comment section or you can email us at windbreakermedia at gmail.com.
I like the feet.
That's also all one word.
Chachibut appreciates proper email syntax.
It doesn't appreciate feet.
It does appreciate the support of our listeners.
Why am I not included when you say that?
Hey we'll probably all three of you.
Thus we'll see you next time.
Send the feet.
Set set feet.