Welcome back to another episode of Shit That's
Just Life podcast with your favorite life coach,
me, Cecile. Today, we're diving into a powerful
conversation about a kind of grief that isn't
often talked about. The pain of losing people
who are still alive. I'm joined today by an author,
Tasha Nicholson, to explore the heart behind
the book, grieving the living. Let's get into
it. Okay. So it's funny you say that because
I don't think it's like stuff that you I don't
think you have to have the brain like oh I can't
afford it you just like this is where I want
to be I don't know how long it's gonna take me
to get here but this is where I want to be you
know and baby girl I would go to places like
a bar or a lounge that I knew was expensive or
it looks expensive really it's just the aesthetics
the aesthetics right exactly so then you meet
you you see what you can and cannot afford. That's
what I did. I was like, okay, I can afford a
few drinks. Water with lemon, please. Okay, I
don't know about a drink and an appetizer, but
I get the drink, got the drink, and then typically
someone else at the bar offered the drink, saying,
you guys want a drink? And that's kind of how
I met my person. I got a drink, I stayed at the
bar for a little while, let the people come rolling
in. um the black folks came in late so of course
he came in late but he came and then once they
start rolling in they start being um generous
with their money and they're like hey we'll buy
everybody a little drink so i got an extra drink
and i got a partner so yeah that is true like
being a woman especially if you even have cute
really all you just gotta do is just go out and
be cute and Somebody gonna offer to pay especially
when it comes to drinks now We might not be able
to get nothing else right off the bat, but drinks
and food Yeah Nobody's asking you to pay our
rent. No, we're just trying to get food You know,
I'm not asking you to move in yet, but I can
see where some people are still just getting
used to that. Like, um, so probably a man. Yeah,
because if a man is can't get no drinks and food,
then it ain't nothing else to talk about. That's
literally the bare minimum. Then we start grieving
the living right there. Okay. Right. That was
good. I see what you did there. So the title
is incredibly powerful. Um, What does grieving
the living mean to you personally? grieving your
relationships that I never had or And or grieving
people who are still alive, but the relationship
is dead Yeah, okay for you. What inspired you
to write a book about this form of grief? when
people don't really often talk about it having
a series of events that caused me hurt, pain
and trauma and not having the words to describe
the pain because talking to people, they will
usually give some type of advice, which is always
pray, especially black community is just always
pray about it, you know, put it in God's hands.
But that's not enough. That's not enough. And
it doesn't heal the heart as fast as I would
like it to, so yeah. Was there any specific steps
that you started looking into to help with the
process of healing the heart for yourself? Well,
I've always dealt with depression pretty much
my whole life, so I've tried several things,
counseling being one of them. being on antidepressants,
which is basically a happy pill that just helps
you not feel things as deeply as you would if
you weren't on the medicine. And so with counseling,
counseling was interesting because I had a great
counselor, but a lot of the times when I would
tell her my stories, she would be crying. And
she was just like, you know, like, that is so
hard. And I feel so sorry for you. And that's
so traumatic. This and that. And I was like,
oh, hey, that really doesn't help me. Help me
other than just feeling like, dang, my life sucks
more than I thought it would, because I'm my
counselor, even sad. So that kind of like put
me deeper into depression because I just felt
like, well, then I'm like. my life really does
suck. Like my life is cursed and I felt all of
those things because there were so many significant
relationships that just didn't go the way they
should. And it was kind of inexplainable. Like
why, what happened there? Like it was a series
of relationships that will go bad and I wouldn't
understand like why. I don't have a good relationship
with my mom and I couldn't understand that the
chapter called when safety isn't safe. Which
is about me being molested when I was a child
because my aunt had six boys and my mom always
used her for child care And so whenever she would
drop me off over there I was getting molested
and I never could understand like why my mom
never Said anything or addressed it and made
it public and so that just caused me to grow
up Feeling like I had no voice and even though
I knew I had a voice. I just felt like people
didn't care and so I didn't realize until a year
or two ago that the feeling that I had been carrying
with me all that time, all those years was grief.
When you hear the word grief, most people think,
oh, well somebody's died. They're grieving. And
nobody talks about grieving the relationships
that you never had and grieving people that are
still alive, but y 'all just act like each other
doesn't exist. Grieve my mom and children. I've
grieved a few significant relationships. So hard
to really know if you're not in relationship
with that person because you can not be in relationship
with somebody and then you're just kind of numb
to the feelings that was involved around the
situation that happened with that person. Can
you be cordial with the same people? Oh, for
sure. You are grieving. Can you be cordial with
them and you know have conversations say hi's
and bye's Checking in on the TV cord. Yeah Okay.
Yeah The tricky thing about forgiveness for me
is I had always felt like if you forgave somebody
that means that you Give them the same access
so whenever I would talk to Pastors and other
people I will I would ask them like does it mean
that I haven't forgiven them if I can't Be in
relationship with them the same way I was before
the incident and so but I realize that Yeah,
and so do you kind of feel like in my apologies?
Are you saying like you feel like? You're enabling
their behavior Anyway, yeah, I would tell myself
like that's what that meant like and that will
cause me to hold on to a grudge because it was
like Well, if I forgive them and if I handle
them the same way that I've been handling them,
they're not gonna understand that what they did
was wrong and Yeah, that I'm not one for that
type of treatment, but then I realized that it
doesn't To be cordial with them. It doesn't mean
Don't know how to say what I'm trying to say
like it doesn't mean Yeah, it doesn't mean does
not mean that you don't have to set boundaries
That's what I don't think that's what I think
you can always set boundaries And because if
what someone has if you have a line cross you
have a line room You know right now and if somebody
crossed that line You have a boundary set now.
It's like oh, oh no, I can I can still call you
But we're no longer talking about situations
like this anymore. We were right I don't know
if I've opened these type of doors for you to
critique, for you to go back and tell the next
person. I learn my lesson when it comes to that,
but I still love you. I still would love to check
out. I still hope, you know, wish the best for
you, but it's something you have to be at peace
with as well to see, to know like, you know what,
I gave that relationship a try on a deeper level
and it didn't turn out the way that I hoped it
would. So I'm okay with just knowing. We just
have surface level conversations, you know, right?
That's what it is. Now. It's just very surface
level basic. It doesn't, nothing really goes
past the surface and that sucks that you, especially
when it's people like your mom or children or
past lovers, whatever the case may be, it sucks
to have so much to say and you still want closure
and you still want to resolve for things that
bother you, but you can't get it. So you just
have to like, grieve it and let it go, basically.
Yeah. Be at peace with knowing that certain situations
or certain behaviors you've outgrown. Yeah. You
know, if someone is like, acting like that and
you're like, yeah, you started like that when
I was this age or, you know, when I was acting
like when I was in that position. But no, I've
outgrown that. So my boundary is until they outgrow
that behavior, then we we stop here, you know,
for safety purposes, everybody, you know, so
I think that's, uh, that's incredible for you
to understand that it's more healthy for you
to just be okay with grieving the living, you
know, walking away, outgrown relationships, even
when it's unfortunate for you, like, dang, I
really wish we could go here, really wish sometimes
we could talk about this. it's unfortunate you
know not everybody is at that level or you know
some people are even still struggling to get
to that level of mental peace you know yeah and
that's a lot of old older generation which i
don't know how you how old you are but you seem
young but older generation like 50 60 70 up they
just they just they don't want to take accountability
for anything, I guess because they just are set
in their ways. They're the hardest to establish
a a form of communication with because everything
is their way. What they say is right. I'm the
adult, or as my mom would say, she's like, well,
I'm an elder, I'm an elder. And at this age,
you don't worry about this and that, but it's
like, okay, no matter how old you are, you still
have to have a level of respect and you should
still be able to take accountability for whenever
you're wrong and be able to make things right.
They don't have the tools. But they don't have
the tools. The tools, the patience. Yeah, I think
not everybody is willing to go back, be patient,
understand what you're saying, process what you're
saying, give you effort for, okay, well, thanks
for coming up with another solution, but this
is why I feel this way. Proper communication,
but especially if they grew up communicating
a certain way. already are accustomed to speak
in a certain way. Even with older generation,
their parents didn't have the tools either because
their parents didn't know how to communicate
and handle things in a healthy manner. Now, for
like Gen Z and this modern society, everything
is about mental health and counseling and, you
know, do this and do that to be better mentally.
But back then, they weren't. They don't seem
to be focused. They didn't seem to be focused
on that and into Getting the help that they needed
mentally, especially when it came to raising
kids. It was just kind of like They just did
whatever to get by basically It's unfortunate
that therapy and tools like that wasn't available
Back when they were coming up, you know wasn't
it wasn't normal for groups of black people to
just be sitting there being emotional being vulnerable
talking about how yeah no that's like taboo it
was it was a very small group and it was like
girl you better not say nothing when you leave
this room you know so it was it was very go in
there and fix your face yeah so who can you really
say that you wrote this book for was it for you
For me first and foremost because it was my way
of healing and giving myself the closure that
I never got from the relationships that I Was
grieving but it was also to the person that is
in my shoes and is where I Was and just hurting
and not feeling like nope and feeling like nobody
understands what you're going through, because
a lot of parents who have issues with their kids
or have broken relationship with their kids,
they don't talk about it because one, you don't
want to be judged as if you're a bad parent if
you're not in relationship with your kids, because
a lot of people are usually like, well, if her
kid don't want nothing to do with her, it's something
that she did or she had to be a bad mom and whatever,
but that's definitely not always the case. And
the person that the person that's grieving the
relationship with their parents that they never
had because their parent didn't know how to be
a parent. When you say that, are you saying like,
for you speaking from experience, is there like
times where it's like the communication isn't
the greatest. So it's like, I feel like I can't
have a conversation with this person. for sure
yeah that's what the that's what causes the grief
to have so much to say and to not be able to
say it and have the person receive it and actually
hear your heart without being defensive shutting
you down saying you're lying in anything along
those lines because it takes a emotionally mature
person to be able to hear something that doesn't
necessarily make them happy, but still be able
to hear and communicate and navigate through
it. And so many people that will have a great
thing going in a relationship, whether it's friends,
family, and then something goes wrong in a relationship
and they're willing to throw the whole relationship
away versus just simply apologizing and moving
forward. Personal note, I can relate. I've had
a moment in my life where I didn't like what
I was hearing from a partner's family member.
And I was thinking like, okay, I'm happy in this
relationship. Do I just throw it all away because
I don't like them? Like, and then I had to really
think about what was being said. So I was like,
let me put aside my feelings. Because I can do
that. I can put aside my feelings for a moment
to actually receive a message. So when I actually
put aside my feelings, focus on the actual message
of what they're saying, and I'm like, okay, they're
giving me information in a way that I don't normally
like to receive it. Now me, I was just like,
I don't know why she's saying it like that. why
you think I need to know this information, but
it was just like, that was just their way of
communicating, hey, you can say this, you can
say X, Y, and Z in this form. This is how we
talk. If we're just showing you how we talk,
that's just how we talk, you know? So there's
moments where I'm like, mm -hmm, but then I'm
like, being reasonable, if I'm being grown here,
that's just, they're just communicating the best
way they know how. So I think the hardest thing
in situations is just trying to figure out what
the message is and taking away our own personal
feelings. Like, okay, focus on the message, not
the messenger. And that's sometimes hard is to
be like, okay, I know you don't like me, but
I could be telling you some valid points here.
I think that... anybody that's going through
that journey or that will come upon that journey
eventually will benefit from the book, Grieving
the Living. That's their specific life experience
that sparked this journey for you. All of it
is life experience. The book is my personal testimony.
It talks about how I grew up as a child, the
relationship I have with my mom, the relationship
that I have with my kids who I'm no longer in
relationship with, and what bought the book about,
like what was the last straw. And that was when
I was involved in a church, I got involved in
a relationship with a youth pastor that turned
out to be a total narcissist. And he ended up
ghosting me. And I just went through a lot of
church trauma. And that was like the icing on
the cake for me. Like I'm done suffering in silence.
I am fixing to tell these stories about these
people that have caused me trauma, you know,
like parent hurt. loss of a child church hurt
and Yeah, pretty much all the chapters in my
book are around those three Stories and healing
and releasing all of those situations to be like,
you know what? There's still a plan for me my
life still has purpose and I can still overcome
all of these situations and if those relationships
end up being restored then great but then if
they don't like life still goes on I still have
purpose and I still have stuff to do out here
okay when you say um like child loss what specifically
sparked that issue what do you mean what uh what
series events It went through a 10 year divorce.
And so throughout that divorce, the kids was
taken back and forth, you know, pretty much whatever
the judge decided or whoever out money who, but
most of the time I was on the losing end because
the other party had more money than me. And I
dealt with a lot of racism because my kids, that
was why I was black and we were going through
the system. So I was already looked at as unfit,
which that came up like literally came up a lot
in the court case. I was unfit because I was
in an apartment and he was in a house and just
little things like that. So my kids grew up essentially
in a broken home. Their kids caught in the middle.
which are the chapter in the book, Children Caught
in the Crossfire. And so as they began to grow
up, their relationship began, there began to
be a rift in their relationship. And so they
chose the side and the side wasn't mine. And
the side could not be mine because I didn't provide
the materialistic life that they could get over
on this side or anything in between. But the
end result was them leaving. So I had to grieve
that relationship, even though they're here,
like we're in the same city. So it's not like
nothing is preventing us from seeing each other,
being in a relationship with each other, but
they made a choice. And so I have to respect
that choice, but I have to grieve their relationship.
And now being where I am in my healing journey,
I have to think about what happens when these
kids who are now teenagers, 19 and 17, what happens
whenever they do decide to come around? It's
like, am I going to be at a place to where I
can put all of that behind me and have a relationship
with them and just love them, you know, as a
parent or am I going to be like, I'm good. You
know what I'm saying? Cause at the end of the
day, like these kids turned their back on me.
The kids that I sacrificed everything for, you
chose to act like I didn't exist. You had no
respect for me, no happy mother's day, no happy
birthday, no nothing. And so I just have to be
at the right place mentally to be able to handle
that. And so my prayer is now that I've grieved
them, cause you know, once you grieve a person,
That's a pretty that's pretty much a shut door
because it's like if I've had to grieve you Our
relationship isn't gonna be the same because
that mean when I was in that whole grief process
There was nothing but opportunity for you to
hear my heart feel my pain like you know But
I had or for me to have to have for me to have
had to grieve them Yeah, that's the hard situation
It's going to take time, specifically hearing
it from your perspective as a mother. I can tell
it's going to take time for you to basically
open yourself up and be that vulnerable again.
And that's even with your own children. Even
with kids, there are still boundaries. Because
if I was to sit down with the counselor and to
tell her that I was with a man that did all the
things to me that my kids did, Then, you know,
what would the counselor say? You deserve better.
You're a queen. You can find you somebody better.
Yeah. But what about when it's your family and
your actual children? The same rules apply in
different forms. The society that we're in makes
it so hard to be a parent because the kids just
want to do what they want to do and they're seeing
so much on social social media and hearing this
music and all of these things and they just yeah
and the thing is it's it's a different uh stance
from when you have a parent here i'm 28 and i
lost my mom when i turned 21 so the moment i
turned 21 she passed away and trying to navigate
yeah trying to navigate um seven eight years
without her is difficult because you really don't
notice how much you're loved until you lose a
parent. So it's one thing to when we used to
get into it and we'll go a few weeks without
talking, that's one thing. Even if we go a few
years, it was moments when we went years without
speaking or seeing each other. That's another
thing. But when the moment her spirit, her flesh
is no longer a presence that is available, it
hits different. Now that phone number that referenced
mom, it hits different. It would make sense for
kids that go years without acknowledging a parent
to go to the funeral? Yeah, at the end of the
day, y 'all missed out on mama by going years
without somebody. That that's what they got to
look at like and that's that's reality. Y 'all
missed out on mama. Just like well I want to
go I don't cuz I don't I've never been to a funeral
Like I said, the book is ironic because I've
never experienced death. Yeah I'm not going to
anybody's funeral that I Wouldn't care to see
when they were alive that that just makes no
sense to me Everybody but you gotta keep in mind
everybody ain't you? So everybody makes sense
to me because if I will go to your funeral, that
means I want to see you while you're alive. Like
that means like you matter to me. Your presence
matters to me. And so with that, I am going to
be in relationship with you when you're alive.
And so, of course, I'm going to see you for the
last time. I'll get to see you. Yeah, it makes
sense for me to go because, OK, this is like
the last time. You're in that that's when grief
that grief comes in like you're talking about
grieving the living that's when that grief comes
in for them and they're like they get there and
it hits them that You know what? Everything we
was arguing about was stupid, you know I wrote
the book because I can do stuff like this and
talk to people about it But this book will live
beyond me So if in the case that I do die and
my kids do decide to go to my funeral they have
This book that explains exactly how I felt and
so they can actually hear my heart about how
I felt about Everything and where I where I was
with it So that was important to me knowing that
I do have two kids and a mom who I've had to
grieve So it's like at any point if they just
really care enough to know how I feel how I think
how I write The book will be there as well as
my baby which is who I dedicated the book to
because I want her to know how to handle her
relationships. Okay. So specifically, you know,
writing about grief can be one emotional roller
coaster. So what was the hardest part of writing
this book for you? Reliving the pain in the heart
of relationships. The church trauma that I wrote
about in the book was, it makes me tear up every
time I talk about it because it was just that
traumatic. You're passionate about your journey.
So that's good. Yeah. Yeah, it was very painful.
I cried a lot. I would get mad all over again,
you know, thinking about how some people treated
me and how they just disposed of me like I was
nothing. That's hurtful. Went through that traumatic
church situation. This was just two years ago.
Okay, so it was fairly recent Mm -hmm. So you
still grieving that process? Somewhat I mean,
I don't know cuz right in the book It was freeing
for me to just tell my story and to get it out
there. So If I am grieving, I'm definitely not
grieving it in the same capacity as I was Yeah.
But it's still hurtful. It's hurtful to get treated
less than in general. Just like, why didn't you
care enough to bring closure to this situation,
to take accountability, to apologize? Whenever
people do that, it's just that's just hurtful
because it just seems like you don't matter enough
for them to even care to do the right thing or
to fix the relationship. It's hurtful to give
yourself to people and then not get anything
back in return. Sometimes I think our generation
is just trying to balance respect and voice.
So when my mom was here, I know I had a hard
time trying to balance where I find my voice
and where I respect her her voice. Right. So
how do I respect her voice? And then how do I
Yeah, so it was just, it's a balance of respect
and respect is, oh, that's not something you
learn overnight. You genuinely have to sit back,
learn respect, learn what it means to respect
somebody, learn why it's important to respect
them, et cetera. Because the one thing they'll
tell you is your parent will say, you'll need
me before I need you. And that would be Drew.
My daughter wanted us to be on the same playing
field. And it's like we're not on the same playing
field because I'm your parent and you're my child.
So that changes everything. And that is a hierarchy.
Like I'm the head and you are the child. Like
you got to respect what I say. That's the whole
point. Yeah. I can understand that being a frustration
field for you. Did you learn anything? surprising
about yourself during the process? Yes, I learned
to realize who I was in Christ for sure. And
like my resilience and just the things that are
instilled in me because like I said, I've always
dealt with depression, feeling suicidal, like
My life sucks. I did all of this for nothing.
Why am I even here? All of those things. But
to write the book and to go through what it takes
to even publish the book, it's like, dang, I
truly, I'm an amazing woman of God. I have purpose,
I matter, and I'm kind of that deal. Yeah, it
made me look at myself different and stop being
so hard on myself and thinking that I don't matter,
I don't have purpose and just talking down. It
was like looking at editing. Oh my gosh, it was
super stressful. Typically something like that
will take time, you know, especially if you are.
Not trying to offend people, but you still want
to get your message across. You still want to
be heard. You still want to be able to say, no,
this is how I feel. I'm not sure how you guys
feel about this, but this is coming from me,
my project. And it's kind of be like your own
personal baby. You birth your own baby. You went
through your journey with your baby. You had
your editing process, and now your baby's out
there blossoming. So as much as you have different
grief stories. I think you did a tremendous job
by just keeping going and preparing for the unknown
after you did it. And even like, I mean, my mom
could read this book. She could be pissed. Like
I said, I was molested by her sister's kids.
So it's like these people that are like, Oh girl,
congratulations. It's like, I'm telling my truth.
You guys might read the book now. It's like truly
putting all of myself out there. So it's very
Personal yeah, yeah, were you able to Tell any
family members about any of the stories before
you release it in the book Like were you able
to sit down your a few family members and tell
them about the pastor? No, I don't have a close
family general so it it wouldn't come to that
but I did have conversation with my sister before
I released the book to like let her hear about
the section where I mentioned my mom like hey
like how do you think this sound do you think
it sounds like I'm blaming like should I change
the words am I telling too much we had that conversation
anybody I told about it was like Tell it all,
like, that's your story. Tell it all. Don't sugarcoat
it. Because they were like, if you're going to
sugarcoat it, it ain't no point in writing a
book if you're not going to be all the way 100.
So yeah, people, anybody I asked was like, no,
don't change the words. Keep it straight like
that. So I was like, oh, yeah, cool. I know that
if some people in my family did read it, I think
that some people would be upset just because
I'm exposing. the truth like I'm exposing that
I was molested by My aunt's kids and I mix his
people, you know people are so defensive especially
older generation So I think like if my mom was
to read the book I think that she would be extremely
in upset and I think that she will be upset because
instead of looking at it from the perspective
of Well, this is healing for my child. Like she's
telling her truth that she's getting it off her
chest. I think that she'll be defensive about
me making her look bad. So I think she will look
at it. Yeah. People like to have like a polished
presence. So it looks like nothing is wrong.
Nothing's wrong with them. Nothing's ever happened.
My family's good. My family's perfect. You know,
I mean, we don't have all that going on. Especially
if you're religious. If my mom's super religious,
you know, got this, got that. And so that makes
it even worse because that makes it even harder
for people to take accountability without putting
it on something else. It's harder than to be
real. It's like, okay, no, let's be logical.
How do you think this type of grief is often
so misunderstood or just overlooked? I think
that people associate grief with physical loss
more than emotional loss. I think it's because
a lot of people don't want to come to grips with
the reality that they've actually lost something
significant, like a relationship, especially
if it's mom, dad, kids, or lover. I think that
a lot of people don't want to come to grips that
it's over. That relationship, that season, it's
gone. And I think that makes it hard. That's
what was hard for me. Just coming to grips that,
okay, the relationship that I want is just not
going to happen. And I have to just grieve this
and move on. Because it's just like a knot in
your stomach. Wanting something and wanting people
to change and wanting somebody to apologize and
wanting somebody to be like, dang, I was wrong.
I'm sorry. And so it just, it just, it's not
good. My stepmom she used to say, you know CC
you always want want want want what? so this
I think that's happening in the process of Grieving
the living you find yourself noticing that you
want it want it want it want it want it Like
okay. I wanted this I wanted this I wanted that
So you gotta be that tears you up. It tears you
up You gotta be me. That's what kept me in depression
for so long And then whenever I seen who he really
was, that just tore me up so bad. And I was bleeding,
having headaches, just trauma for real. Like
I was going through it. And whenever I stopped
going, I had actually went to the doctor, was
going to have a whole hysterectomy because they
was like, well, you know, like, menopause, having
hysterectomy, the bleeding, all this stuff will
stop. So I'm like getting the stuff together
to get this procedure and I stopped going to
the church, the bleeding stopped, the headache
stopped, all of that stopped. And so I was like,
dang, that's when I realized like I was like
grieving, like what I was going through was like
grief. It was causing me like to bleed and have
headaches and my body was physically reacting
to All of the trauma. A lot of lessons to be
learned. But yeah, there is a lot of grief. There
is a lot of unfortunate expectations that we
put on people that they can't arise to live up
to. Yeah, it's just like this. It's unfortunate.
It goes back to a lot of people not having the
tools. Tools. How was he? What was he? Yeah,
what was he? What was his upbringing like? You
can only hold up a facade for so long. So you
present yourself, hopefully, as the man that
you want to be, want to continue to grow to be.
So after a while, the lady in the relationship
starts to genuinely get to know you. So that
means they get to see your flaws. They get to
see things that you probably never exposed to
anybody else. They get to see it firsthand. So
then, once you realize that she sees the real
me, my next goal is, do I want to stay being
this person? You know, was I truly curious about
being that gentleman that I present myself to
be? Of course we know Rome wasn't built in a
day, and that type of side of you won't just
happen overnight. That's something you put in
work, but you have conversations, you bring reassurance,
you actually work towards it, you know? But it's
okay to grieve people who didn't take those steps,
who was not willing to take the proper steps
and understand that Rome is not built in a day.
And just because you present yourself as something,
I believe that there's more to come, okay? There
is more to come. That means I will see you and
a light that you didn't expect me to see you
in. And from there, you got to figure out what
you want to do. How do you want to present yourself
in the next light? How hard do you want to work
on yourself? Do you want to work on yourself
with a partner, without a partner? Can you handle
it? Because like I stated, a lot of us, we won't,
won't, won't, won't. That's even our partners.
They see things, they want it. But the thing
is, is realizing, can we handle what we want?
Because God can give you what you want. But can
you handle it? Are you ready for it? Were you?
You know what I'm saying? A lot of us don't stop
and think about that. So grieving the process
and grieving the living, I think is a spectacular
book for anyone that's going through that process.
And I think that makes it hard. In order to really
have trust, you have to be willing to play the
battlefield. You got to be willing to get out
there, but you also get through. But that don't
mean paint the red flag purple. You get what
I mean? That means go out, have fun, talk to
people, enjoy different presents. But if you
see something that you like, that is a no go
for me. Stick to your boundaries. Okay, yeah,
don't don't hear somebody out and then they got
seven yeses but that one no is Would bash all
those yeses if that's what you feeling then stick
to it But if you know they got seven yeses and
that one little no can be Little shed away because
they got seven yeses go for the seven yeses have
fun. You have nothing to lose. You're not marrying
anybody tomorrow You get what I'm saying? You're
just getting out there. You're just getting your
feet wet. And if it don't work, on to the next
one. If you don't want to waste time. And don't
have sex. No sex. There you go. If you don't
want to waste time, don't waste time. If you
don't want to have sex, don't have sex. You know,
if you don't want to regret it, don't do it.
That's definitely worth the waiting on for sure.
Mm -hmm. If they want to find somebody, they
can find me. If these men will say anything and
be whoever they need to be, To get that but then
I don't know how to keep it. So that's the thing
If you know what what kind of cookie jar you
carrying you need to be like, hey love that we
can buy But the moment I open myself up to you
on that level my expectations will kick in You
know, I will have expectations for certain things
So if somebody is not ready to step up to that
plate, then you know They can sit onto the side,
wait the turns, meet children. Men especially,
no more access without them proving that they're
worthy of that type of access. Yeah. For sure.
That will be available to everybody. Right. It
was very helpful to me to quiet the noise the
like mental noise in my head So to do that I
got off of social media even to write the book
I had to get off all social media deactivated
Facebook for a minute Stayed off the YouTube
because I love to listen to like YouTube trending
stories Chronicle speaks stuff like that to where
I'm just like always taking in What's going on
with other people's lives? And so to shut down
all of that noise, it's extremely uncomfortable
because you have to just sit with yourself. And
that's what a lot of us don't want to do, to
just sit with ourselves, not pick up our phone,
not turn on the TV, not listen to anybody else's
business. That's extremely uncomfortable. I challenge
anybody to do it for seven days. That internal,
you know, that's just that internal love is that
what you're lacking when And not just you, it
means people, we lack that internal love. We
lack just finding out what makes us upset, what
makes us cry. That means - Yeah, I cried a lot.
You know? Clearly I'm emotional. I've been in
that phase and for me, what helped me specifically
was just looking in the mirror. So I will go
- That's part two. I would go look in the mirror
so I can get used to the girl that I would see
in the mirror. So I'm like, how do I start loving
myself? Well, first off, I don't look at myself
enough. Like I might see a mirror, take a few
pictures, but like genuinely look at myself,
stare at myself, you know, cry even, watch myself
cry, watch myself laugh. I did all of that and
I cried more than anything. And so I just realized
how Mean I am to myself with more harsh on yourself
than you even notice. That's what you always
find, right? You know, I'll let all of that go
Help me to look at myself in a different light
like these people may have took me and who I
am for granted but like I'm a dope person There
you go, and I deserve better. I deserve better
treatment all of those things Yeah, that was
helpful to shut down the noise and to figure
out like what I truly think about myself and
that also stems from why I allow myself to get
in the type of relationships that I do. Because
after I had that relationship with the youth
pastor and I silenced all the noise, I was like,
well now I see why I would attract a relationship
like that. Because there's a lot of things that
I'm lacking within myself. Like I may dress up
and be cute on the outside and look confident
and all those things, but on the inside, I'm
really not. You're no longer under her roof.
Right. So you can now start planting the seed.
Stewarding myself. There you go. Steward yourself.
You can navigate how you want to look and feel
on the inside and the outside. You can make the
match. You can mirror each other. You feel good,
now you look good. You look good, now you feel
good. It can mirror each other. When it comes
to grief, because I lost my mom at 21, Grief
is not something that you get over. It's something
you got to get through. So it's nothing that
you would ever probably be done doing. It's a
process, but it's different phases of it. At
this phase, you're like, okay, now it's self
-security, self -confidence. Now I want to be
able to bring that out, take that from... private
to public you've already vented on the book you've
been into the pen and paper you ready to expose
your truth pat yourself on the back for first
things first giving yourself the confidence to
write the book you know what i'm saying second
thing second is be able to get through those
emotions that you were No, I don't want anybody
to just know that they matter no matter what
life Makes it seem like what a person makes it
seem like what a person says does whatever you
matter you still have purpose Be careful how
you treat people it is so important to do people
right treat people right question to you Natasha
What does healing look like for you today? Freedom
mentally. Yes, no more feeling imprisoned in
my mind. It looks like freedom mentally. So letting
go is freedom to be happy and to allow myself
to be happy. Yeah. And that's good that you've
arrived. to that moment for yourself. You've
gotten to this phase where it's just like, I
can think freely, I can speak freely, I'm not
gonna let things cloud my brain like they used
to. I'm not suppressing my voice and I'm not
shrinking. And it's empowering to not shrink.
You'll be like, no, this is what happened, this
is how I felt. And I'm finna tell my story. I
don't care who like it, who's mad about it, who,
whatever. I'm doing this because it's what I
wanna do. With a face like that, like yours,
that is bold, beautiful, you shine. Oh, thank
you. You are not shy. It does not show that I'm
ready to hide my voice. Everything, your presence
presents. This letter marks the end of what no
longer belongs to me. I've told my story respectfully
and I'm healing responsibly with intention. My
pain has been named and now I put it to rest.
I release the offenses. I release the people
who caused them, whether intentionally or through
neglect, I release the need for explanations,
apologies, or understanding that may never come.
What happened has been acknowledged, and it doesn't
get to follow me forward. I choose to let go
of what was heavy so that I can receive what's
light and what's meant for me. I acknowledge
the relationships that went astray. I no longer
carry them with resentment, shaming, or longing.
They are part of my story, not the definition
of my future. I forgive. If this conversation
resonated with you, take a moment and sit with
it. When you're ready, check out Grieving the
Living by Tasha Nicholson. The links will be
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