WEBVTT 00:00:00.110 --> 00:00:03.490 Welcome back to another episode of Shit That's 00:00:03.490 --> 00:00:06.309 Just Life podcast with your favorite life coach, 00:00:06.610 --> 00:00:11.490 me, Cecile. Today, we're diving into a powerful 00:00:11.490 --> 00:00:14.669 conversation about a kind of grief that isn't 00:00:14.669 --> 00:00:18.429 often talked about. The pain of losing people 00:00:18.429 --> 00:00:23.149 who are still alive. I'm joined today by an author, 00:00:23.629 --> 00:00:28.609 Tasha Nicholson, to explore the heart behind 00:00:28.609 --> 00:00:32.579 the book, grieving the living. Let's get into 00:00:32.579 --> 00:00:40.289 it. Okay. So it's funny you say that because 00:00:40.289 --> 00:00:42.850 I don't think it's like stuff that you I don't 00:00:42.850 --> 00:00:44.689 think you have to have the brain like oh I can't 00:00:44.689 --> 00:00:46.369 afford it you just like this is where I want 00:00:46.369 --> 00:00:48.229 to be I don't know how long it's gonna take me 00:00:48.229 --> 00:00:50.649 to get here but this is where I want to be you 00:00:50.649 --> 00:00:53.929 know and baby girl I would go to places like 00:00:53.929 --> 00:00:58.149 a bar or a lounge that I knew was expensive or 00:00:58.149 --> 00:01:00.770 it looks expensive really it's just the aesthetics 00:01:00.770 --> 00:01:05.030 the aesthetics right exactly so then you meet 00:01:05.030 --> 00:01:08.900 you you see what you can and cannot afford. That's 00:01:08.900 --> 00:01:11.760 what I did. I was like, okay, I can afford a 00:01:11.760 --> 00:01:14.500 few drinks. Water with lemon, please. Okay, I 00:01:14.500 --> 00:01:18.379 don't know about a drink and an appetizer, but 00:01:18.379 --> 00:01:22.579 I get the drink, got the drink, and then typically 00:01:22.579 --> 00:01:24.980 someone else at the bar offered the drink, saying, 00:01:24.980 --> 00:01:27.599 you guys want a drink? And that's kind of how 00:01:27.599 --> 00:01:31.000 I met my person. I got a drink, I stayed at the 00:01:31.000 --> 00:01:33.700 bar for a little while, let the people come rolling 00:01:33.700 --> 00:01:37.480 in. um the black folks came in late so of course 00:01:37.480 --> 00:01:41.060 he came in late but he came and then once they 00:01:41.060 --> 00:01:45.319 start rolling in they start being um generous 00:01:45.319 --> 00:01:48.019 with their money and they're like hey we'll buy 00:01:48.019 --> 00:01:51.459 everybody a little drink so i got an extra drink 00:01:51.459 --> 00:01:55.040 and i got a partner so yeah that is true like 00:01:55.040 --> 00:01:57.859 being a woman especially if you even have cute 00:01:57.859 --> 00:02:00.260 really all you just gotta do is just go out and 00:02:00.260 --> 00:02:04.019 be cute and Somebody gonna offer to pay especially 00:02:04.019 --> 00:02:05.859 when it comes to drinks now We might not be able 00:02:05.859 --> 00:02:08.879 to get nothing else right off the bat, but drinks 00:02:08.879 --> 00:02:18.520 and food Yeah Nobody's asking you to pay our 00:02:18.520 --> 00:02:24.159 rent. No, we're just trying to get food You know, 00:02:24.159 --> 00:02:28.659 I'm not asking you to move in yet, but I can 00:02:28.659 --> 00:02:31.120 see where some people are still just getting 00:02:31.120 --> 00:02:35.180 used to that. Like, um, so probably a man. Yeah, 00:02:35.219 --> 00:02:38.020 because if a man is can't get no drinks and food, 00:02:39.219 --> 00:02:42.900 then it ain't nothing else to talk about. That's 00:02:42.900 --> 00:02:45.580 literally the bare minimum. Then we start grieving 00:02:45.580 --> 00:02:50.539 the living right there. Okay. Right. That was 00:02:50.539 --> 00:02:54.800 good. I see what you did there. So the title 00:02:54.800 --> 00:02:58.629 is incredibly powerful. Um, What does grieving 00:02:58.629 --> 00:03:03.150 the living mean to you personally? grieving your 00:03:03.150 --> 00:03:08.069 relationships that I never had or And or grieving 00:03:08.069 --> 00:03:10.530 people who are still alive, but the relationship 00:03:10.530 --> 00:03:14.949 is dead Yeah, okay for you. What inspired you 00:03:14.949 --> 00:03:18.909 to write a book about this form of grief? when 00:03:18.909 --> 00:03:22.490 people don't really often talk about it having 00:03:22.490 --> 00:03:27.819 a series of events that caused me hurt, pain 00:03:27.819 --> 00:03:34.780 and trauma and not having the words to describe 00:03:34.780 --> 00:03:37.800 the pain because talking to people, they will 00:03:37.800 --> 00:03:40.960 usually give some type of advice, which is always 00:03:40.960 --> 00:03:44.460 pray, especially black community is just always 00:03:44.460 --> 00:03:46.979 pray about it, you know, put it in God's hands. 00:03:47.060 --> 00:03:49.800 But that's not enough. That's not enough. And 00:03:49.800 --> 00:03:54.030 it doesn't heal the heart as fast as I would 00:03:54.030 --> 00:04:00.949 like it to, so yeah. Was there any specific steps 00:04:00.949 --> 00:04:04.930 that you started looking into to help with the 00:04:04.930 --> 00:04:08.349 process of healing the heart for yourself? Well, 00:04:08.349 --> 00:04:10.129 I've always dealt with depression pretty much 00:04:10.129 --> 00:04:14.370 my whole life, so I've tried several things, 00:04:14.870 --> 00:04:18.660 counseling being one of them. being on antidepressants, 00:04:18.699 --> 00:04:20.920 which is basically a happy pill that just helps 00:04:20.920 --> 00:04:24.459 you not feel things as deeply as you would if 00:04:24.459 --> 00:04:28.839 you weren't on the medicine. And so with counseling, 00:04:29.420 --> 00:04:32.579 counseling was interesting because I had a great 00:04:32.579 --> 00:04:35.180 counselor, but a lot of the times when I would 00:04:35.180 --> 00:04:39.319 tell her my stories, she would be crying. And 00:04:39.319 --> 00:04:41.759 she was just like, you know, like, that is so 00:04:41.759 --> 00:04:43.579 hard. And I feel so sorry for you. And that's 00:04:43.579 --> 00:04:46.339 so traumatic. This and that. And I was like, 00:04:46.480 --> 00:04:51.939 oh, hey, that really doesn't help me. Help me 00:04:51.939 --> 00:04:54.420 other than just feeling like, dang, my life sucks 00:04:54.420 --> 00:04:56.639 more than I thought it would, because I'm my 00:04:56.639 --> 00:05:00.920 counselor, even sad. So that kind of like put 00:05:00.920 --> 00:05:04.300 me deeper into depression because I just felt 00:05:04.300 --> 00:05:06.990 like, well, then I'm like. my life really does 00:05:06.990 --> 00:05:09.209 suck. Like my life is cursed and I felt all of 00:05:09.209 --> 00:05:11.329 those things because there were so many significant 00:05:11.329 --> 00:05:15.629 relationships that just didn't go the way they 00:05:15.629 --> 00:05:18.170 should. And it was kind of inexplainable. Like 00:05:18.170 --> 00:05:21.850 why, what happened there? Like it was a series 00:05:21.850 --> 00:05:24.550 of relationships that will go bad and I wouldn't 00:05:24.550 --> 00:05:27.649 understand like why. I don't have a good relationship 00:05:27.649 --> 00:05:29.769 with my mom and I couldn't understand that the 00:05:29.769 --> 00:05:32.779 chapter called when safety isn't safe. Which 00:05:32.779 --> 00:05:34.879 is about me being molested when I was a child 00:05:34.879 --> 00:05:37.439 because my aunt had six boys and my mom always 00:05:37.439 --> 00:05:39.899 used her for child care And so whenever she would 00:05:39.899 --> 00:05:42.319 drop me off over there I was getting molested 00:05:42.319 --> 00:05:45.620 and I never could understand like why my mom 00:05:45.620 --> 00:05:48.560 never Said anything or addressed it and made 00:05:48.560 --> 00:05:51.839 it public and so that just caused me to grow 00:05:51.839 --> 00:05:55.480 up Feeling like I had no voice and even though 00:05:55.480 --> 00:05:57.040 I knew I had a voice. I just felt like people 00:05:57.040 --> 00:06:02.120 didn't care and so I didn't realize until a year 00:06:02.120 --> 00:06:04.540 or two ago that the feeling that I had been carrying 00:06:04.540 --> 00:06:07.759 with me all that time, all those years was grief. 00:06:07.939 --> 00:06:10.180 When you hear the word grief, most people think, 00:06:10.199 --> 00:06:13.939 oh, well somebody's died. They're grieving. And 00:06:13.939 --> 00:06:16.620 nobody talks about grieving the relationships 00:06:16.620 --> 00:06:20.259 that you never had and grieving people that are 00:06:20.259 --> 00:06:22.519 still alive, but y 'all just act like each other 00:06:22.519 --> 00:06:27.490 doesn't exist. Grieve my mom and children. I've 00:06:27.490 --> 00:06:30.949 grieved a few significant relationships. So hard 00:06:30.949 --> 00:06:33.629 to really know if you're not in relationship 00:06:33.629 --> 00:06:37.389 with that person because you can not be in relationship 00:06:37.389 --> 00:06:40.850 with somebody and then you're just kind of numb 00:06:40.850 --> 00:06:46.829 to the feelings that was involved around the 00:06:46.829 --> 00:06:49.350 situation that happened with that person. Can 00:06:49.350 --> 00:06:52.269 you be cordial with the same people? Oh, for 00:06:52.269 --> 00:06:55.769 sure. You are grieving. Can you be cordial with 00:06:55.769 --> 00:06:57.970 them and you know have conversations say hi's 00:06:57.970 --> 00:07:03.329 and bye's Checking in on the TV cord. Yeah Okay. 00:07:03.529 --> 00:07:06.910 Yeah The tricky thing about forgiveness for me 00:07:06.910 --> 00:07:09.649 is I had always felt like if you forgave somebody 00:07:09.649 --> 00:07:14.860 that means that you Give them the same access 00:07:14.860 --> 00:07:18.120 so whenever I would talk to Pastors and other 00:07:18.120 --> 00:07:21.040 people I will I would ask them like does it mean 00:07:21.040 --> 00:07:25.899 that I haven't forgiven them if I can't Be in 00:07:25.899 --> 00:07:28.339 relationship with them the same way I was before 00:07:28.339 --> 00:07:32.839 the incident and so but I realize that Yeah, 00:07:33.560 --> 00:07:35.540 and so do you kind of feel like in my apologies? 00:07:35.939 --> 00:07:40.420 Are you saying like you feel like? You're enabling 00:07:40.420 --> 00:07:45.259 their behavior Anyway, yeah, I would tell myself 00:07:45.259 --> 00:07:47.759 like that's what that meant like and that will 00:07:47.759 --> 00:07:49.379 cause me to hold on to a grudge because it was 00:07:49.379 --> 00:07:51.500 like Well, if I forgive them and if I handle 00:07:51.500 --> 00:07:53.100 them the same way that I've been handling them, 00:07:53.100 --> 00:07:56.480 they're not gonna understand that what they did 00:07:56.480 --> 00:08:01.040 was wrong and Yeah, that I'm not one for that 00:08:01.040 --> 00:08:03.600 type of treatment, but then I realized that it 00:08:03.600 --> 00:08:08.819 doesn't To be cordial with them. It doesn't mean 00:08:10.269 --> 00:08:12.149 Don't know how to say what I'm trying to say 00:08:12.149 --> 00:08:16.250 like it doesn't mean Yeah, it doesn't mean does 00:08:16.250 --> 00:08:17.910 not mean that you don't have to set boundaries 00:08:17.910 --> 00:08:19.990 That's what I don't think that's what I think 00:08:19.990 --> 00:08:23.569 you can always set boundaries And because if 00:08:23.569 --> 00:08:26.230 what someone has if you have a line cross you 00:08:26.230 --> 00:08:28.810 have a line room You know right now and if somebody 00:08:28.810 --> 00:08:32.309 crossed that line You have a boundary set now. 00:08:32.330 --> 00:08:35.309 It's like oh, oh no, I can I can still call you 00:08:35.309 --> 00:08:37.809 But we're no longer talking about situations 00:08:37.809 --> 00:08:40.909 like this anymore. We were right I don't know 00:08:40.909 --> 00:08:43.429 if I've opened these type of doors for you to 00:08:43.429 --> 00:08:46.649 critique, for you to go back and tell the next 00:08:46.649 --> 00:08:48.789 person. I learn my lesson when it comes to that, 00:08:48.789 --> 00:08:52.129 but I still love you. I still would love to check 00:08:52.129 --> 00:08:54.629 out. I still hope, you know, wish the best for 00:08:54.629 --> 00:08:57.309 you, but it's something you have to be at peace 00:08:57.309 --> 00:09:00.169 with as well to see, to know like, you know what, 00:09:00.669 --> 00:09:04.289 I gave that relationship a try on a deeper level 00:09:04.289 --> 00:09:06.850 and it didn't turn out the way that I hoped it 00:09:06.850 --> 00:09:10.379 would. So I'm okay with just knowing. We just 00:09:10.379 --> 00:09:13.200 have surface level conversations, you know, right? 00:09:13.419 --> 00:09:15.840 That's what it is. Now. It's just very surface 00:09:15.840 --> 00:09:18.299 level basic. It doesn't, nothing really goes 00:09:18.299 --> 00:09:22.200 past the surface and that sucks that you, especially 00:09:22.200 --> 00:09:26.059 when it's people like your mom or children or 00:09:26.059 --> 00:09:28.840 past lovers, whatever the case may be, it sucks 00:09:28.840 --> 00:09:32.720 to have so much to say and you still want closure 00:09:32.720 --> 00:09:34.700 and you still want to resolve for things that 00:09:34.700 --> 00:09:37.220 bother you, but you can't get it. So you just 00:09:37.220 --> 00:09:39.539 have to like, grieve it and let it go, basically. 00:09:40.580 --> 00:09:46.000 Yeah. Be at peace with knowing that certain situations 00:09:46.000 --> 00:09:50.700 or certain behaviors you've outgrown. Yeah. You 00:09:50.700 --> 00:09:52.720 know, if someone is like, acting like that and 00:09:52.720 --> 00:09:54.240 you're like, yeah, you started like that when 00:09:54.240 --> 00:09:56.179 I was this age or, you know, when I was acting 00:09:56.179 --> 00:09:59.259 like when I was in that position. But no, I've 00:09:59.259 --> 00:10:03.259 outgrown that. So my boundary is until they outgrow 00:10:03.259 --> 00:10:06.710 that behavior, then we we stop here, you know, 00:10:06.789 --> 00:10:10.110 for safety purposes, everybody, you know, so 00:10:10.110 --> 00:10:13.990 I think that's, uh, that's incredible for you 00:10:13.990 --> 00:10:19.470 to understand that it's more healthy for you 00:10:19.470 --> 00:10:23.789 to just be okay with grieving the living, you 00:10:23.789 --> 00:10:27.490 know, walking away, outgrown relationships, even 00:10:27.490 --> 00:10:29.409 when it's unfortunate for you, like, dang, I 00:10:29.409 --> 00:10:31.909 really wish we could go here, really wish sometimes 00:10:31.909 --> 00:10:34.820 we could talk about this. it's unfortunate you 00:10:34.820 --> 00:10:37.940 know not everybody is at that level or you know 00:10:37.940 --> 00:10:40.179 some people are even still struggling to get 00:10:40.179 --> 00:10:44.179 to that level of mental peace you know yeah and 00:10:44.179 --> 00:10:46.519 that's a lot of old older generation which i 00:10:46.519 --> 00:10:48.659 don't know how you how old you are but you seem 00:10:48.659 --> 00:10:56.059 young but older generation like 50 60 70 up they 00:10:56.059 --> 00:11:00.870 just they just they don't want to take accountability 00:11:00.870 --> 00:11:03.269 for anything, I guess because they just are set 00:11:03.269 --> 00:11:12.950 in their ways. They're the hardest to establish 00:11:12.950 --> 00:11:16.360 a a form of communication with because everything 00:11:16.360 --> 00:11:19.299 is their way. What they say is right. I'm the 00:11:19.299 --> 00:11:22.480 adult, or as my mom would say, she's like, well, 00:11:22.620 --> 00:11:25.419 I'm an elder, I'm an elder. And at this age, 00:11:25.440 --> 00:11:27.179 you don't worry about this and that, but it's 00:11:27.179 --> 00:11:29.679 like, okay, no matter how old you are, you still 00:11:29.679 --> 00:11:32.000 have to have a level of respect and you should 00:11:32.000 --> 00:11:34.320 still be able to take accountability for whenever 00:11:34.320 --> 00:11:36.379 you're wrong and be able to make things right. 00:11:37.159 --> 00:11:40.470 They don't have the tools. But they don't have 00:11:40.470 --> 00:11:45.490 the tools. The tools, the patience. Yeah, I think 00:11:45.490 --> 00:11:50.669 not everybody is willing to go back, be patient, 00:11:50.929 --> 00:11:53.929 understand what you're saying, process what you're 00:11:53.929 --> 00:11:57.970 saying, give you effort for, okay, well, thanks 00:11:57.970 --> 00:12:00.090 for coming up with another solution, but this 00:12:00.090 --> 00:12:03.190 is why I feel this way. Proper communication, 00:12:03.929 --> 00:12:06.450 but especially if they grew up communicating 00:12:06.450 --> 00:12:11.500 a certain way. already are accustomed to speak 00:12:11.500 --> 00:12:13.740 in a certain way. Even with older generation, 00:12:13.980 --> 00:12:16.279 their parents didn't have the tools either because 00:12:16.279 --> 00:12:18.740 their parents didn't know how to communicate 00:12:18.740 --> 00:12:22.779 and handle things in a healthy manner. Now, for 00:12:22.779 --> 00:12:26.139 like Gen Z and this modern society, everything 00:12:26.139 --> 00:12:28.600 is about mental health and counseling and, you 00:12:28.600 --> 00:12:31.419 know, do this and do that to be better mentally. 00:12:31.960 --> 00:12:35.820 But back then, they weren't. They don't seem 00:12:35.820 --> 00:12:38.100 to be focused. They didn't seem to be focused 00:12:38.100 --> 00:12:41.820 on that and into Getting the help that they needed 00:12:41.820 --> 00:12:44.139 mentally, especially when it came to raising 00:12:44.139 --> 00:12:47.860 kids. It was just kind of like They just did 00:12:47.860 --> 00:12:51.399 whatever to get by basically It's unfortunate 00:12:51.399 --> 00:12:54.860 that therapy and tools like that wasn't available 00:12:54.860 --> 00:12:58.580 Back when they were coming up, you know wasn't 00:12:58.580 --> 00:13:03.200 it wasn't normal for groups of black people to 00:13:03.200 --> 00:13:07.259 just be sitting there being emotional being vulnerable 00:13:07.259 --> 00:13:11.340 talking about how yeah no that's like taboo it 00:13:11.340 --> 00:13:13.840 was it was a very small group and it was like 00:13:13.840 --> 00:13:15.279 girl you better not say nothing when you leave 00:13:15.279 --> 00:13:18.480 this room you know so it was it was very go in 00:13:18.480 --> 00:13:22.879 there and fix your face yeah so who can you really 00:13:22.879 --> 00:13:26.460 say that you wrote this book for was it for you 00:13:27.080 --> 00:13:30.759 For me first and foremost because it was my way 00:13:30.759 --> 00:13:33.340 of healing and giving myself the closure that 00:13:33.340 --> 00:13:36.399 I never got from the relationships that I Was 00:13:36.399 --> 00:13:39.659 grieving but it was also to the person that is 00:13:39.659 --> 00:13:44.840 in my shoes and is where I Was and just hurting 00:13:44.840 --> 00:13:47.440 and not feeling like nope and feeling like nobody 00:13:47.440 --> 00:13:50.730 understands what you're going through, because 00:13:50.730 --> 00:13:52.909 a lot of parents who have issues with their kids 00:13:52.909 --> 00:13:55.389 or have broken relationship with their kids, 00:13:55.610 --> 00:13:57.570 they don't talk about it because one, you don't 00:13:57.570 --> 00:14:01.309 want to be judged as if you're a bad parent if 00:14:01.309 --> 00:14:03.049 you're not in relationship with your kids, because 00:14:03.049 --> 00:14:05.889 a lot of people are usually like, well, if her 00:14:05.889 --> 00:14:08.710 kid don't want nothing to do with her, it's something 00:14:08.710 --> 00:14:12.409 that she did or she had to be a bad mom and whatever, 00:14:12.730 --> 00:14:16.129 but that's definitely not always the case. And 00:14:16.129 --> 00:14:20.549 the person that the person that's grieving the 00:14:20.549 --> 00:14:23.490 relationship with their parents that they never 00:14:23.490 --> 00:14:26.049 had because their parent didn't know how to be 00:14:26.049 --> 00:14:31.570 a parent. When you say that, are you saying like, 00:14:31.710 --> 00:14:34.750 for you speaking from experience, is there like 00:14:34.750 --> 00:14:38.129 times where it's like the communication isn't 00:14:38.129 --> 00:14:40.049 the greatest. So it's like, I feel like I can't 00:14:40.049 --> 00:14:43.389 have a conversation with this person. for sure 00:14:43.389 --> 00:14:47.509 yeah that's what the that's what causes the grief 00:14:47.509 --> 00:14:51.049 to have so much to say and to not be able to 00:14:51.049 --> 00:14:54.929 say it and have the person receive it and actually 00:14:54.929 --> 00:14:58.110 hear your heart without being defensive shutting 00:14:58.110 --> 00:15:02.049 you down saying you're lying in anything along 00:15:02.049 --> 00:15:06.629 those lines because it takes a emotionally mature 00:15:06.629 --> 00:15:11.100 person to be able to hear something that doesn't 00:15:11.100 --> 00:15:13.879 necessarily make them happy, but still be able 00:15:13.879 --> 00:15:17.740 to hear and communicate and navigate through 00:15:17.740 --> 00:15:20.100 it. And so many people that will have a great 00:15:20.100 --> 00:15:22.879 thing going in a relationship, whether it's friends, 00:15:22.980 --> 00:15:26.899 family, and then something goes wrong in a relationship 00:15:26.899 --> 00:15:28.659 and they're willing to throw the whole relationship 00:15:28.659 --> 00:15:32.000 away versus just simply apologizing and moving 00:15:32.000 --> 00:15:35.320 forward. Personal note, I can relate. I've had 00:15:35.320 --> 00:15:42.009 a moment in my life where I didn't like what 00:15:42.009 --> 00:15:47.049 I was hearing from a partner's family member. 00:15:47.889 --> 00:15:51.610 And I was thinking like, okay, I'm happy in this 00:15:51.610 --> 00:15:55.269 relationship. Do I just throw it all away because 00:15:55.269 --> 00:15:58.789 I don't like them? Like, and then I had to really 00:15:58.789 --> 00:16:02.190 think about what was being said. So I was like, 00:16:02.330 --> 00:16:06.970 let me put aside my feelings. Because I can do 00:16:06.970 --> 00:16:10.009 that. I can put aside my feelings for a moment 00:16:10.009 --> 00:16:13.450 to actually receive a message. So when I actually 00:16:13.450 --> 00:16:16.629 put aside my feelings, focus on the actual message 00:16:16.629 --> 00:16:20.549 of what they're saying, and I'm like, okay, they're 00:16:20.549 --> 00:16:27.029 giving me information in a way that I don't normally 00:16:27.029 --> 00:16:29.850 like to receive it. Now me, I was just like, 00:16:30.169 --> 00:16:33.759 I don't know why she's saying it like that. why 00:16:33.759 --> 00:16:36.679 you think I need to know this information, but 00:16:36.679 --> 00:16:38.799 it was just like, that was just their way of 00:16:38.799 --> 00:16:42.120 communicating, hey, you can say this, you can 00:16:42.120 --> 00:16:45.419 say X, Y, and Z in this form. This is how we 00:16:45.419 --> 00:16:48.120 talk. If we're just showing you how we talk, 00:16:48.500 --> 00:16:51.059 that's just how we talk, you know? So there's 00:16:51.059 --> 00:16:53.559 moments where I'm like, mm -hmm, but then I'm 00:16:53.559 --> 00:16:56.740 like, being reasonable, if I'm being grown here, 00:16:57.100 --> 00:16:59.860 that's just, they're just communicating the best 00:16:59.860 --> 00:17:05.319 way they know how. So I think the hardest thing 00:17:05.319 --> 00:17:10.140 in situations is just trying to figure out what 00:17:10.140 --> 00:17:13.319 the message is and taking away our own personal 00:17:13.319 --> 00:17:16.240 feelings. Like, okay, focus on the message, not 00:17:16.240 --> 00:17:20.599 the messenger. And that's sometimes hard is to 00:17:20.599 --> 00:17:23.099 be like, okay, I know you don't like me, but 00:17:23.099 --> 00:17:26.220 I could be telling you some valid points here. 00:17:26.380 --> 00:17:29.759 I think that... anybody that's going through 00:17:29.759 --> 00:17:33.299 that journey or that will come upon that journey 00:17:33.299 --> 00:17:37.859 eventually will benefit from the book, Grieving 00:17:37.859 --> 00:17:40.839 the Living. That's their specific life experience 00:17:40.839 --> 00:17:45.140 that sparked this journey for you. All of it 00:17:45.140 --> 00:17:48.700 is life experience. The book is my personal testimony. 00:17:49.119 --> 00:17:52.220 It talks about how I grew up as a child, the 00:17:52.220 --> 00:17:54.799 relationship I have with my mom, the relationship 00:17:54.799 --> 00:17:57.799 that I have with my kids who I'm no longer in 00:17:57.799 --> 00:18:01.599 relationship with, and what bought the book about, 00:18:01.819 --> 00:18:06.059 like what was the last straw. And that was when 00:18:06.059 --> 00:18:09.160 I was involved in a church, I got involved in 00:18:09.160 --> 00:18:12.019 a relationship with a youth pastor that turned 00:18:12.019 --> 00:18:14.599 out to be a total narcissist. And he ended up 00:18:14.599 --> 00:18:17.299 ghosting me. And I just went through a lot of 00:18:17.299 --> 00:18:19.700 church trauma. And that was like the icing on 00:18:19.700 --> 00:18:22.220 the cake for me. Like I'm done suffering in silence. 00:18:22.619 --> 00:18:26.160 I am fixing to tell these stories about these 00:18:26.160 --> 00:18:31.039 people that have caused me trauma, you know, 00:18:31.079 --> 00:18:36.039 like parent hurt. loss of a child church hurt 00:18:36.039 --> 00:18:40.420 and Yeah, pretty much all the chapters in my 00:18:40.420 --> 00:18:44.640 book are around those three Stories and healing 00:18:44.640 --> 00:18:47.240 and releasing all of those situations to be like, 00:18:47.240 --> 00:18:50.500 you know what? There's still a plan for me my 00:18:50.500 --> 00:18:53.000 life still has purpose and I can still overcome 00:18:53.000 --> 00:18:56.599 all of these situations and if those relationships 00:18:56.599 --> 00:19:03.039 end up being restored then great but then if 00:19:03.039 --> 00:19:05.559 they don't like life still goes on I still have 00:19:05.559 --> 00:19:07.740 purpose and I still have stuff to do out here 00:19:07.740 --> 00:19:14.259 okay when you say um like child loss what specifically 00:19:14.259 --> 00:19:20.920 sparked that issue what do you mean what uh what 00:19:20.920 --> 00:19:23.819 series events It went through a 10 year divorce. 00:19:24.380 --> 00:19:26.940 And so throughout that divorce, the kids was 00:19:26.940 --> 00:19:29.039 taken back and forth, you know, pretty much whatever 00:19:29.039 --> 00:19:32.380 the judge decided or whoever out money who, but 00:19:32.380 --> 00:19:35.200 most of the time I was on the losing end because 00:19:35.200 --> 00:19:41.019 the other party had more money than me. And I 00:19:41.019 --> 00:19:42.900 dealt with a lot of racism because my kids, that 00:19:42.900 --> 00:19:44.759 was why I was black and we were going through 00:19:44.759 --> 00:19:48.160 the system. So I was already looked at as unfit, 00:19:48.559 --> 00:19:51.019 which that came up like literally came up a lot 00:19:51.019 --> 00:19:54.339 in the court case. I was unfit because I was 00:19:54.339 --> 00:19:57.240 in an apartment and he was in a house and just 00:19:57.240 --> 00:20:01.000 little things like that. So my kids grew up essentially 00:20:01.000 --> 00:20:03.819 in a broken home. Their kids caught in the middle. 00:20:04.140 --> 00:20:06.119 which are the chapter in the book, Children Caught 00:20:06.119 --> 00:20:08.819 in the Crossfire. And so as they began to grow 00:20:08.819 --> 00:20:11.640 up, their relationship began, there began to 00:20:11.640 --> 00:20:13.940 be a rift in their relationship. And so they 00:20:13.940 --> 00:20:17.660 chose the side and the side wasn't mine. And 00:20:17.660 --> 00:20:22.119 the side could not be mine because I didn't provide 00:20:22.119 --> 00:20:24.720 the materialistic life that they could get over 00:20:24.720 --> 00:20:28.480 on this side or anything in between. But the 00:20:28.480 --> 00:20:33.819 end result was them leaving. So I had to grieve 00:20:33.819 --> 00:20:36.400 that relationship, even though they're here, 00:20:36.460 --> 00:20:41.680 like we're in the same city. So it's not like 00:20:41.680 --> 00:20:43.559 nothing is preventing us from seeing each other, 00:20:43.619 --> 00:20:45.599 being in a relationship with each other, but 00:20:45.599 --> 00:20:49.200 they made a choice. And so I have to respect 00:20:49.200 --> 00:20:51.880 that choice, but I have to grieve their relationship. 00:20:52.119 --> 00:20:55.960 And now being where I am in my healing journey, 00:20:56.579 --> 00:21:01.740 I have to think about what happens when these 00:21:01.740 --> 00:21:05.720 kids who are now teenagers, 19 and 17, what happens 00:21:05.720 --> 00:21:08.880 whenever they do decide to come around? It's 00:21:08.880 --> 00:21:11.799 like, am I going to be at a place to where I 00:21:11.799 --> 00:21:17.960 can put all of that behind me and have a relationship 00:21:17.960 --> 00:21:20.500 with them and just love them, you know, as a 00:21:20.500 --> 00:21:29.190 parent or am I going to be like, I'm good. You 00:21:29.190 --> 00:21:30.210 know what I'm saying? Cause at the end of the 00:21:30.210 --> 00:21:32.789 day, like these kids turned their back on me. 00:21:32.849 --> 00:21:35.930 The kids that I sacrificed everything for, you 00:21:35.930 --> 00:21:38.890 chose to act like I didn't exist. You had no 00:21:38.890 --> 00:21:41.190 respect for me, no happy mother's day, no happy 00:21:41.190 --> 00:21:47.470 birthday, no nothing. And so I just have to be 00:21:47.470 --> 00:21:51.890 at the right place mentally to be able to handle 00:21:51.890 --> 00:21:54.289 that. And so my prayer is now that I've grieved 00:21:54.289 --> 00:21:56.089 them, cause you know, once you grieve a person, 00:21:56.690 --> 00:21:58.609 That's a pretty that's pretty much a shut door 00:21:58.609 --> 00:22:01.170 because it's like if I've had to grieve you Our 00:22:01.170 --> 00:22:03.210 relationship isn't gonna be the same because 00:22:03.210 --> 00:22:05.569 that mean when I was in that whole grief process 00:22:05.569 --> 00:22:07.970 There was nothing but opportunity for you to 00:22:07.970 --> 00:22:14.190 hear my heart feel my pain like you know But 00:22:14.190 --> 00:22:18.430 I had or for me to have to have for me to have 00:22:18.430 --> 00:22:24.569 had to grieve them Yeah, that's the hard situation 00:22:26.200 --> 00:22:31.380 It's going to take time, specifically hearing 00:22:31.380 --> 00:22:36.099 it from your perspective as a mother. I can tell 00:22:36.099 --> 00:22:38.859 it's going to take time for you to basically 00:22:38.859 --> 00:22:41.559 open yourself up and be that vulnerable again. 00:22:41.980 --> 00:22:44.720 And that's even with your own children. Even 00:22:44.720 --> 00:22:48.019 with kids, there are still boundaries. Because 00:22:48.019 --> 00:22:50.880 if I was to sit down with the counselor and to 00:22:50.880 --> 00:22:53.779 tell her that I was with a man that did all the 00:22:53.779 --> 00:22:56.680 things to me that my kids did, Then, you know, 00:22:56.839 --> 00:22:59.359 what would the counselor say? You deserve better. 00:22:59.680 --> 00:23:02.599 You're a queen. You can find you somebody better. 00:23:03.240 --> 00:23:06.759 Yeah. But what about when it's your family and 00:23:06.759 --> 00:23:09.619 your actual children? The same rules apply in 00:23:09.619 --> 00:23:12.259 different forms. The society that we're in makes 00:23:12.259 --> 00:23:18.059 it so hard to be a parent because the kids just 00:23:18.059 --> 00:23:19.880 want to do what they want to do and they're seeing 00:23:20.119 --> 00:23:23.859 so much on social social media and hearing this 00:23:23.859 --> 00:23:27.440 music and all of these things and they just yeah 00:23:27.440 --> 00:23:31.759 and the thing is it's it's a different uh stance 00:23:31.759 --> 00:23:34.940 from when you have a parent here i'm 28 and i 00:23:34.940 --> 00:23:39.319 lost my mom when i turned 21 so the moment i 00:23:39.319 --> 00:23:44.019 turned 21 she passed away and trying to navigate 00:23:44.019 --> 00:23:48.480 yeah trying to navigate um seven eight years 00:23:48.480 --> 00:23:53.069 without her is difficult because you really don't 00:23:53.069 --> 00:23:56.849 notice how much you're loved until you lose a 00:23:56.849 --> 00:24:00.869 parent. So it's one thing to when we used to 00:24:00.869 --> 00:24:03.170 get into it and we'll go a few weeks without 00:24:03.170 --> 00:24:06.150 talking, that's one thing. Even if we go a few 00:24:06.150 --> 00:24:08.650 years, it was moments when we went years without 00:24:08.650 --> 00:24:10.630 speaking or seeing each other. That's another 00:24:10.630 --> 00:24:16.390 thing. But when the moment her spirit, her flesh 00:24:16.390 --> 00:24:22.000 is no longer a presence that is available, it 00:24:22.000 --> 00:24:27.079 hits different. Now that phone number that referenced 00:24:27.079 --> 00:24:31.559 mom, it hits different. It would make sense for 00:24:31.559 --> 00:24:34.380 kids that go years without acknowledging a parent 00:24:34.380 --> 00:24:39.299 to go to the funeral? Yeah, at the end of the 00:24:39.299 --> 00:24:43.940 day, y 'all missed out on mama by going years 00:24:43.940 --> 00:24:47.210 without somebody. That that's what they got to 00:24:47.210 --> 00:24:49.670 look at like and that's that's reality. Y 'all 00:24:49.670 --> 00:24:52.710 missed out on mama. Just like well I want to 00:24:52.710 --> 00:24:55.609 go I don't cuz I don't I've never been to a funeral 00:24:55.609 --> 00:24:57.549 Like I said, the book is ironic because I've 00:24:57.549 --> 00:25:02.869 never experienced death. Yeah I'm not going to 00:25:02.869 --> 00:25:06.210 anybody's funeral that I Wouldn't care to see 00:25:06.210 --> 00:25:09.009 when they were alive that that just makes no 00:25:09.009 --> 00:25:12.650 sense to me Everybody but you gotta keep in mind 00:25:12.650 --> 00:25:17.000 everybody ain't you? So everybody makes sense 00:25:17.000 --> 00:25:20.319 to me because if I will go to your funeral, that 00:25:20.319 --> 00:25:23.480 means I want to see you while you're alive. Like 00:25:23.480 --> 00:25:25.539 that means like you matter to me. Your presence 00:25:25.539 --> 00:25:30.119 matters to me. And so with that, I am going to 00:25:30.119 --> 00:25:32.779 be in relationship with you when you're alive. 00:25:32.779 --> 00:25:35.599 And so, of course, I'm going to see you for the 00:25:35.599 --> 00:25:37.740 last time. I'll get to see you. Yeah, it makes 00:25:37.740 --> 00:25:39.660 sense for me to go because, OK, this is like 00:25:39.660 --> 00:25:43.039 the last time. You're in that that's when grief 00:25:43.039 --> 00:25:45.019 that grief comes in like you're talking about 00:25:45.019 --> 00:25:47.500 grieving the living that's when that grief comes 00:25:47.500 --> 00:25:50.180 in for them and they're like they get there and 00:25:50.180 --> 00:25:53.220 it hits them that You know what? Everything we 00:25:53.220 --> 00:25:56.299 was arguing about was stupid, you know I wrote 00:25:56.299 --> 00:25:59.039 the book because I can do stuff like this and 00:25:59.039 --> 00:26:02.200 talk to people about it But this book will live 00:26:02.200 --> 00:26:05.799 beyond me So if in the case that I do die and 00:26:05.799 --> 00:26:09.680 my kids do decide to go to my funeral they have 00:26:10.620 --> 00:26:15.680 This book that explains exactly how I felt and 00:26:15.680 --> 00:26:18.920 so they can actually hear my heart about how 00:26:18.920 --> 00:26:22.640 I felt about Everything and where I where I was 00:26:22.640 --> 00:26:25.240 with it So that was important to me knowing that 00:26:25.240 --> 00:26:28.799 I do have two kids and a mom who I've had to 00:26:28.799 --> 00:26:31.480 grieve So it's like at any point if they just 00:26:31.480 --> 00:26:35.420 really care enough to know how I feel how I think 00:26:35.420 --> 00:26:38.539 how I write The book will be there as well as 00:26:38.539 --> 00:26:41.099 my baby which is who I dedicated the book to 00:26:41.099 --> 00:26:45.980 because I want her to know how to handle her 00:26:45.980 --> 00:26:50.519 relationships. Okay. So specifically, you know, 00:26:50.660 --> 00:26:54.380 writing about grief can be one emotional roller 00:26:54.380 --> 00:26:57.220 coaster. So what was the hardest part of writing 00:26:57.220 --> 00:27:02.660 this book for you? Reliving the pain in the heart 00:27:02.660 --> 00:27:06.319 of relationships. The church trauma that I wrote 00:27:06.319 --> 00:27:09.440 about in the book was, it makes me tear up every 00:27:09.440 --> 00:27:11.700 time I talk about it because it was just that 00:27:11.700 --> 00:27:15.440 traumatic. You're passionate about your journey. 00:27:15.500 --> 00:27:19.900 So that's good. Yeah. Yeah, it was very painful. 00:27:20.759 --> 00:27:25.119 I cried a lot. I would get mad all over again, 00:27:25.119 --> 00:27:27.720 you know, thinking about how some people treated 00:27:27.720 --> 00:27:31.279 me and how they just disposed of me like I was 00:27:31.279 --> 00:27:34.960 nothing. That's hurtful. Went through that traumatic 00:27:34.960 --> 00:27:37.779 church situation. This was just two years ago. 00:27:38.200 --> 00:27:42.680 Okay, so it was fairly recent Mm -hmm. So you 00:27:42.680 --> 00:27:47.019 still grieving that process? Somewhat I mean, 00:27:47.099 --> 00:27:50.160 I don't know cuz right in the book It was freeing 00:27:50.160 --> 00:27:53.779 for me to just tell my story and to get it out 00:27:53.779 --> 00:27:57.740 there. So If I am grieving, I'm definitely not 00:27:57.740 --> 00:28:01.119 grieving it in the same capacity as I was Yeah. 00:28:01.319 --> 00:28:04.640 But it's still hurtful. It's hurtful to get treated 00:28:04.640 --> 00:28:09.099 less than in general. Just like, why didn't you 00:28:09.099 --> 00:28:13.640 care enough to bring closure to this situation, 00:28:13.940 --> 00:28:17.339 to take accountability, to apologize? Whenever 00:28:17.339 --> 00:28:20.240 people do that, it's just that's just hurtful 00:28:20.240 --> 00:28:22.759 because it just seems like you don't matter enough 00:28:22.759 --> 00:28:26.319 for them to even care to do the right thing or 00:28:26.319 --> 00:28:29.960 to fix the relationship. It's hurtful to give 00:28:30.269 --> 00:28:33.049 yourself to people and then not get anything 00:28:33.049 --> 00:28:37.009 back in return. Sometimes I think our generation 00:28:37.009 --> 00:28:43.690 is just trying to balance respect and voice. 00:28:44.329 --> 00:28:48.890 So when my mom was here, I know I had a hard 00:28:48.890 --> 00:28:51.690 time trying to balance where I find my voice 00:28:51.690 --> 00:28:54.690 and where I respect her her voice. Right. So 00:28:54.690 --> 00:28:57.509 how do I respect her voice? And then how do I 00:28:57.529 --> 00:29:02.950 Yeah, so it was just, it's a balance of respect 00:29:02.950 --> 00:29:05.170 and respect is, oh, that's not something you 00:29:05.170 --> 00:29:08.170 learn overnight. You genuinely have to sit back, 00:29:08.450 --> 00:29:10.609 learn respect, learn what it means to respect 00:29:10.609 --> 00:29:13.190 somebody, learn why it's important to respect 00:29:13.190 --> 00:29:16.369 them, et cetera. Because the one thing they'll 00:29:16.369 --> 00:29:18.329 tell you is your parent will say, you'll need 00:29:18.329 --> 00:29:20.599 me before I need you. And that would be Drew. 00:29:20.859 --> 00:29:23.200 My daughter wanted us to be on the same playing 00:29:23.200 --> 00:29:25.400 field. And it's like we're not on the same playing 00:29:25.400 --> 00:29:27.599 field because I'm your parent and you're my child. 00:29:28.220 --> 00:29:32.619 So that changes everything. And that is a hierarchy. 00:29:32.880 --> 00:29:36.359 Like I'm the head and you are the child. Like 00:29:36.359 --> 00:29:38.599 you got to respect what I say. That's the whole 00:29:38.599 --> 00:29:44.759 point. Yeah. I can understand that being a frustration 00:29:44.759 --> 00:29:48.740 field for you. Did you learn anything? surprising 00:29:48.740 --> 00:29:54.859 about yourself during the process? Yes, I learned 00:29:54.859 --> 00:30:00.319 to realize who I was in Christ for sure. And 00:30:00.319 --> 00:30:05.039 like my resilience and just the things that are 00:30:05.039 --> 00:30:08.019 instilled in me because like I said, I've always 00:30:08.019 --> 00:30:11.640 dealt with depression, feeling suicidal, like 00:30:11.660 --> 00:30:14.339 My life sucks. I did all of this for nothing. 00:30:14.619 --> 00:30:18.420 Why am I even here? All of those things. But 00:30:18.420 --> 00:30:22.599 to write the book and to go through what it takes 00:30:22.599 --> 00:30:27.220 to even publish the book, it's like, dang, I 00:30:27.220 --> 00:30:31.640 truly, I'm an amazing woman of God. I have purpose, 00:30:31.720 --> 00:30:38.019 I matter, and I'm kind of that deal. Yeah, it 00:30:38.019 --> 00:30:40.660 made me look at myself different and stop being 00:30:40.660 --> 00:30:44.759 so hard on myself and thinking that I don't matter, 00:30:44.759 --> 00:30:48.980 I don't have purpose and just talking down. It 00:30:48.980 --> 00:30:54.299 was like looking at editing. Oh my gosh, it was 00:30:54.299 --> 00:30:58.259 super stressful. Typically something like that 00:30:58.259 --> 00:31:01.859 will take time, you know, especially if you are. 00:31:02.119 --> 00:31:04.500 Not trying to offend people, but you still want 00:31:04.500 --> 00:31:06.480 to get your message across. You still want to 00:31:06.480 --> 00:31:08.779 be heard. You still want to be able to say, no, 00:31:08.779 --> 00:31:11.519 this is how I feel. I'm not sure how you guys 00:31:11.519 --> 00:31:13.799 feel about this, but this is coming from me, 00:31:14.519 --> 00:31:17.619 my project. And it's kind of be like your own 00:31:17.619 --> 00:31:20.380 personal baby. You birth your own baby. You went 00:31:20.380 --> 00:31:22.099 through your journey with your baby. You had 00:31:22.099 --> 00:31:24.400 your editing process, and now your baby's out 00:31:24.400 --> 00:31:30.220 there blossoming. So as much as you have different 00:31:30.220 --> 00:31:34.140 grief stories. I think you did a tremendous job 00:31:34.140 --> 00:31:39.579 by just keeping going and preparing for the unknown 00:31:39.579 --> 00:31:43.119 after you did it. And even like, I mean, my mom 00:31:43.119 --> 00:31:45.079 could read this book. She could be pissed. Like 00:31:45.079 --> 00:31:48.240 I said, I was molested by her sister's kids. 00:31:48.279 --> 00:31:50.779 So it's like these people that are like, Oh girl, 00:31:51.019 --> 00:31:54.599 congratulations. It's like, I'm telling my truth. 00:31:54.740 --> 00:31:59.940 You guys might read the book now. It's like truly 00:31:59.940 --> 00:32:03.680 putting all of myself out there. So it's very 00:32:03.680 --> 00:32:11.079 Personal yeah, yeah, were you able to Tell any 00:32:11.079 --> 00:32:13.920 family members about any of the stories before 00:32:13.920 --> 00:32:16.440 you release it in the book Like were you able 00:32:16.440 --> 00:32:19.299 to sit down your a few family members and tell 00:32:19.299 --> 00:32:25.200 them about the pastor? No, I don't have a close 00:32:25.200 --> 00:32:29.880 family general so it it wouldn't come to that 00:32:29.880 --> 00:32:32.940 but I did have conversation with my sister before 00:32:32.940 --> 00:32:38.059 I released the book to like let her hear about 00:32:38.059 --> 00:32:40.579 the section where I mentioned my mom like hey 00:32:40.579 --> 00:32:42.259 like how do you think this sound do you think 00:32:42.259 --> 00:32:44.900 it sounds like I'm blaming like should I change 00:32:44.900 --> 00:32:49.299 the words am I telling too much we had that conversation 00:32:49.299 --> 00:32:52.299 anybody I told about it was like Tell it all, 00:32:52.619 --> 00:32:56.019 like, that's your story. Tell it all. Don't sugarcoat 00:32:56.019 --> 00:32:57.039 it. Because they were like, if you're going to 00:32:57.039 --> 00:32:58.779 sugarcoat it, it ain't no point in writing a 00:32:58.779 --> 00:33:00.700 book if you're not going to be all the way 100. 00:33:01.660 --> 00:33:05.119 So yeah, people, anybody I asked was like, no, 00:33:05.220 --> 00:33:07.259 don't change the words. Keep it straight like 00:33:07.259 --> 00:33:10.240 that. So I was like, oh, yeah, cool. I know that 00:33:10.240 --> 00:33:14.180 if some people in my family did read it, I think 00:33:14.180 --> 00:33:16.059 that some people would be upset just because 00:33:16.059 --> 00:33:20.029 I'm exposing. the truth like I'm exposing that 00:33:20.029 --> 00:33:25.529 I was molested by My aunt's kids and I mix his 00:33:25.529 --> 00:33:27.869 people, you know people are so defensive especially 00:33:27.869 --> 00:33:30.490 older generation So I think like if my mom was 00:33:30.490 --> 00:33:33.430 to read the book I think that she would be extremely 00:33:33.430 --> 00:33:36.930 in upset and I think that she will be upset because 00:33:36.930 --> 00:33:39.390 instead of looking at it from the perspective 00:33:39.390 --> 00:33:43.140 of Well, this is healing for my child. Like she's 00:33:43.140 --> 00:33:44.960 telling her truth that she's getting it off her 00:33:44.960 --> 00:33:48.279 chest. I think that she'll be defensive about 00:33:48.279 --> 00:33:51.559 me making her look bad. So I think she will look 00:33:51.559 --> 00:33:55.500 at it. Yeah. People like to have like a polished 00:33:55.500 --> 00:33:58.200 presence. So it looks like nothing is wrong. 00:33:58.029 --> 00:34:01.289 Nothing's wrong with them. Nothing's ever happened. 00:34:01.390 --> 00:34:04.130 My family's good. My family's perfect. You know, 00:34:04.269 --> 00:34:06.890 I mean, we don't have all that going on. Especially 00:34:06.890 --> 00:34:09.489 if you're religious. If my mom's super religious, 00:34:09.670 --> 00:34:11.989 you know, got this, got that. And so that makes 00:34:11.989 --> 00:34:15.630 it even worse because that makes it even harder 00:34:15.630 --> 00:34:19.550 for people to take accountability without putting 00:34:19.550 --> 00:34:23.010 it on something else. It's harder than to be 00:34:23.010 --> 00:34:27.710 real. It's like, okay, no, let's be logical. 00:34:28.150 --> 00:34:32.349 How do you think this type of grief is often 00:34:32.349 --> 00:34:36.369 so misunderstood or just overlooked? I think 00:34:36.369 --> 00:34:41.090 that people associate grief with physical loss 00:34:41.090 --> 00:34:45.670 more than emotional loss. I think it's because 00:34:45.670 --> 00:34:54.320 a lot of people don't want to come to grips with 00:34:54.320 --> 00:34:59.599 the reality that they've actually lost something 00:34:59.599 --> 00:35:03.960 significant, like a relationship, especially 00:35:03.960 --> 00:35:10.340 if it's mom, dad, kids, or lover. I think that 00:35:10.340 --> 00:35:12.559 a lot of people don't want to come to grips that 00:35:12.559 --> 00:35:16.300 it's over. That relationship, that season, it's 00:35:16.300 --> 00:35:25.250 gone. And I think that makes it hard. That's 00:35:25.250 --> 00:35:27.630 what was hard for me. Just coming to grips that, 00:35:27.789 --> 00:35:30.590 okay, the relationship that I want is just not 00:35:30.590 --> 00:35:33.909 going to happen. And I have to just grieve this 00:35:33.909 --> 00:35:36.949 and move on. Because it's just like a knot in 00:35:36.949 --> 00:35:40.829 your stomach. Wanting something and wanting people 00:35:40.829 --> 00:35:43.309 to change and wanting somebody to apologize and 00:35:43.309 --> 00:35:45.510 wanting somebody to be like, dang, I was wrong. 00:35:45.570 --> 00:35:50.750 I'm sorry. And so it just, it just, it's not 00:35:50.750 --> 00:35:54.409 good. My stepmom she used to say, you know CC 00:35:54.409 --> 00:35:58.730 you always want want want want what? so this 00:35:58.730 --> 00:36:03.349 I think that's happening in the process of Grieving 00:36:03.349 --> 00:36:07.829 the living you find yourself noticing that you 00:36:07.829 --> 00:36:10.449 want it want it want it want it want it Like 00:36:10.449 --> 00:36:13.190 okay. I wanted this I wanted this I wanted that 00:36:13.190 --> 00:36:16.769 So you gotta be that tears you up. It tears you 00:36:16.769 --> 00:36:20.130 up You gotta be me. That's what kept me in depression 00:36:20.130 --> 00:36:25.070 for so long And then whenever I seen who he really 00:36:25.070 --> 00:36:29.030 was, that just tore me up so bad. And I was bleeding, 00:36:29.449 --> 00:36:32.929 having headaches, just trauma for real. Like 00:36:32.929 --> 00:36:35.909 I was going through it. And whenever I stopped 00:36:35.909 --> 00:36:37.869 going, I had actually went to the doctor, was 00:36:37.869 --> 00:36:39.590 going to have a whole hysterectomy because they 00:36:39.590 --> 00:36:42.469 was like, well, you know, like, menopause, having 00:36:42.469 --> 00:36:45.329 hysterectomy, the bleeding, all this stuff will 00:36:45.329 --> 00:36:47.730 stop. So I'm like getting the stuff together 00:36:47.730 --> 00:36:50.690 to get this procedure and I stopped going to 00:36:50.690 --> 00:36:53.150 the church, the bleeding stopped, the headache 00:36:53.150 --> 00:36:56.849 stopped, all of that stopped. And so I was like, 00:36:56.969 --> 00:37:00.289 dang, that's when I realized like I was like 00:37:00.289 --> 00:37:02.510 grieving, like what I was going through was like 00:37:02.510 --> 00:37:05.250 grief. It was causing me like to bleed and have 00:37:05.250 --> 00:37:08.869 headaches and my body was physically reacting 00:37:08.869 --> 00:37:18.320 to All of the trauma. A lot of lessons to be 00:37:18.320 --> 00:37:21.380 learned. But yeah, there is a lot of grief. There 00:37:21.380 --> 00:37:25.900 is a lot of unfortunate expectations that we 00:37:25.900 --> 00:37:29.119 put on people that they can't arise to live up 00:37:29.119 --> 00:37:31.780 to. Yeah, it's just like this. It's unfortunate. 00:37:31.960 --> 00:37:34.039 It goes back to a lot of people not having the 00:37:34.039 --> 00:37:37.380 tools. Tools. How was he? What was he? Yeah, 00:37:37.380 --> 00:37:40.320 what was he? What was his upbringing like? You 00:37:40.320 --> 00:37:43.920 can only hold up a facade for so long. So you 00:37:43.920 --> 00:37:48.500 present yourself, hopefully, as the man that 00:37:48.500 --> 00:37:50.739 you want to be, want to continue to grow to be. 00:37:51.460 --> 00:37:54.659 So after a while, the lady in the relationship 00:37:54.659 --> 00:37:57.079 starts to genuinely get to know you. So that 00:37:57.079 --> 00:37:59.199 means they get to see your flaws. They get to 00:37:59.199 --> 00:38:02.820 see things that you probably never exposed to 00:38:02.820 --> 00:38:06.119 anybody else. They get to see it firsthand. So 00:38:06.119 --> 00:38:08.800 then, once you realize that she sees the real 00:38:08.800 --> 00:38:13.199 me, my next goal is, do I want to stay being 00:38:13.199 --> 00:38:19.679 this person? You know, was I truly curious about 00:38:19.679 --> 00:38:21.880 being that gentleman that I present myself to 00:38:21.880 --> 00:38:25.300 be? Of course we know Rome wasn't built in a 00:38:25.300 --> 00:38:31.320 day, and that type of side of you won't just 00:38:31.320 --> 00:38:33.400 happen overnight. That's something you put in 00:38:33.400 --> 00:38:37.260 work, but you have conversations, you bring reassurance, 00:38:37.719 --> 00:38:42.440 you actually work towards it, you know? But it's 00:38:42.440 --> 00:38:45.159 okay to grieve people who didn't take those steps, 00:38:45.699 --> 00:38:49.000 who was not willing to take the proper steps 00:38:49.000 --> 00:38:51.840 and understand that Rome is not built in a day. 00:38:52.019 --> 00:38:55.420 And just because you present yourself as something, 00:38:56.539 --> 00:38:59.820 I believe that there's more to come, okay? There 00:38:59.820 --> 00:39:02.619 is more to come. That means I will see you and 00:39:02.619 --> 00:39:04.659 a light that you didn't expect me to see you 00:39:04.659 --> 00:39:08.059 in. And from there, you got to figure out what 00:39:08.059 --> 00:39:10.079 you want to do. How do you want to present yourself 00:39:10.079 --> 00:39:12.340 in the next light? How hard do you want to work 00:39:12.340 --> 00:39:13.940 on yourself? Do you want to work on yourself 00:39:13.940 --> 00:39:17.099 with a partner, without a partner? Can you handle 00:39:17.099 --> 00:39:21.800 it? Because like I stated, a lot of us, we won't, 00:39:21.800 --> 00:39:24.280 won't, won't, won't. That's even our partners. 00:39:24.920 --> 00:39:27.699 They see things, they want it. But the thing 00:39:27.699 --> 00:39:30.139 is, is realizing, can we handle what we want? 00:39:30.519 --> 00:39:32.690 Because God can give you what you want. But can 00:39:32.690 --> 00:39:35.070 you handle it? Are you ready for it? Were you? 00:39:35.190 --> 00:39:37.530 You know what I'm saying? A lot of us don't stop 00:39:37.530 --> 00:39:40.570 and think about that. So grieving the process 00:39:40.570 --> 00:39:45.190 and grieving the living, I think is a spectacular 00:39:45.190 --> 00:39:48.409 book for anyone that's going through that process. 00:39:48.550 --> 00:40:13.420 And I think that makes it hard. In order to really 00:40:13.420 --> 00:40:16.039 have trust, you have to be willing to play the 00:40:16.039 --> 00:40:18.719 battlefield. You got to be willing to get out 00:40:18.719 --> 00:40:23.820 there, but you also get through. But that don't 00:40:23.820 --> 00:40:26.480 mean paint the red flag purple. You get what 00:40:26.480 --> 00:40:30.340 I mean? That means go out, have fun, talk to 00:40:30.340 --> 00:40:34.639 people, enjoy different presents. But if you 00:40:34.639 --> 00:40:37.500 see something that you like, that is a no go 00:40:37.500 --> 00:40:41.420 for me. Stick to your boundaries. Okay, yeah, 00:40:41.820 --> 00:40:44.860 don't don't hear somebody out and then they got 00:40:44.860 --> 00:40:50.059 seven yeses but that one no is Would bash all 00:40:50.059 --> 00:40:53.840 those yeses if that's what you feeling then stick 00:40:53.840 --> 00:40:57.539 to it But if you know they got seven yeses and 00:40:57.539 --> 00:41:01.860 that one little no can be Little shed away because 00:41:01.860 --> 00:41:05.320 they got seven yeses go for the seven yeses have 00:41:05.320 --> 00:41:07.199 fun. You have nothing to lose. You're not marrying 00:41:07.199 --> 00:41:10.380 anybody tomorrow You get what I'm saying? You're 00:41:10.380 --> 00:41:11.739 just getting out there. You're just getting your 00:41:11.739 --> 00:41:14.559 feet wet. And if it don't work, on to the next 00:41:14.559 --> 00:41:16.539 one. If you don't want to waste time. And don't 00:41:16.539 --> 00:41:20.519 have sex. No sex. There you go. If you don't 00:41:20.519 --> 00:41:22.699 want to waste time, don't waste time. If you 00:41:22.699 --> 00:41:25.840 don't want to have sex, don't have sex. You know, 00:41:25.840 --> 00:41:27.780 if you don't want to regret it, don't do it. 00:41:27.780 --> 00:41:30.840 That's definitely worth the waiting on for sure. 00:41:31.039 --> 00:41:33.579 Mm -hmm. If they want to find somebody, they 00:41:33.579 --> 00:41:35.139 can find me. If these men will say anything and 00:41:35.139 --> 00:41:39.670 be whoever they need to be, To get that but then 00:41:39.670 --> 00:41:42.449 I don't know how to keep it. So that's the thing 00:41:42.449 --> 00:41:44.949 If you know what what kind of cookie jar you 00:41:44.949 --> 00:41:48.650 carrying you need to be like, hey love that we 00:41:48.650 --> 00:41:52.409 can buy But the moment I open myself up to you 00:41:52.409 --> 00:41:56.510 on that level my expectations will kick in You 00:41:56.510 --> 00:41:59.210 know, I will have expectations for certain things 00:41:59.210 --> 00:42:02.289 So if somebody is not ready to step up to that 00:42:02.289 --> 00:42:05.530 plate, then you know They can sit onto the side, 00:42:05.809 --> 00:42:09.570 wait the turns, meet children. Men especially, 00:42:09.889 --> 00:42:13.969 no more access without them proving that they're 00:42:13.969 --> 00:42:17.269 worthy of that type of access. Yeah. For sure. 00:42:18.030 --> 00:42:22.300 That will be available to everybody. Right. It 00:42:22.300 --> 00:42:25.659 was very helpful to me to quiet the noise the 00:42:25.659 --> 00:42:28.380 like mental noise in my head So to do that I 00:42:28.380 --> 00:42:30.860 got off of social media even to write the book 00:42:30.860 --> 00:42:34.159 I had to get off all social media deactivated 00:42:34.159 --> 00:42:37.099 Facebook for a minute Stayed off the YouTube 00:42:37.099 --> 00:42:39.380 because I love to listen to like YouTube trending 00:42:39.380 --> 00:42:42.480 stories Chronicle speaks stuff like that to where 00:42:42.480 --> 00:42:45.679 I'm just like always taking in What's going on 00:42:45.679 --> 00:42:48.960 with other people's lives? And so to shut down 00:42:48.960 --> 00:42:52.119 all of that noise, it's extremely uncomfortable 00:42:52.119 --> 00:42:54.239 because you have to just sit with yourself. And 00:42:54.239 --> 00:42:56.739 that's what a lot of us don't want to do, to 00:42:56.739 --> 00:42:59.719 just sit with ourselves, not pick up our phone, 00:43:00.139 --> 00:43:02.900 not turn on the TV, not listen to anybody else's 00:43:02.900 --> 00:43:06.519 business. That's extremely uncomfortable. I challenge 00:43:06.519 --> 00:43:10.019 anybody to do it for seven days. That internal, 00:43:10.139 --> 00:43:13.139 you know, that's just that internal love is that 00:43:13.139 --> 00:43:17.440 what you're lacking when And not just you, it 00:43:17.440 --> 00:43:20.800 means people, we lack that internal love. We 00:43:20.800 --> 00:43:26.340 lack just finding out what makes us upset, what 00:43:26.340 --> 00:43:29.500 makes us cry. That means - Yeah, I cried a lot. 00:43:29.679 --> 00:43:35.260 You know? Clearly I'm emotional. I've been in 00:43:35.260 --> 00:43:37.980 that phase and for me, what helped me specifically 00:43:37.980 --> 00:43:42.300 was just looking in the mirror. So I will go 00:43:42.300 --> 00:43:44.739 - That's part two. I would go look in the mirror 00:43:44.739 --> 00:43:47.320 so I can get used to the girl that I would see 00:43:47.320 --> 00:43:49.900 in the mirror. So I'm like, how do I start loving 00:43:49.900 --> 00:43:52.659 myself? Well, first off, I don't look at myself 00:43:52.659 --> 00:43:55.719 enough. Like I might see a mirror, take a few 00:43:55.719 --> 00:43:58.900 pictures, but like genuinely look at myself, 00:43:59.340 --> 00:44:03.039 stare at myself, you know, cry even, watch myself 00:44:03.039 --> 00:44:05.820 cry, watch myself laugh. I did all of that and 00:44:05.820 --> 00:44:10.420 I cried more than anything. And so I just realized 00:44:10.420 --> 00:44:14.400 how Mean I am to myself with more harsh on yourself 00:44:14.400 --> 00:44:16.400 than you even notice. That's what you always 00:44:16.400 --> 00:44:20.059 find, right? You know, I'll let all of that go 00:44:20.059 --> 00:44:23.320 Help me to look at myself in a different light 00:44:23.320 --> 00:44:26.659 like these people may have took me and who I 00:44:26.659 --> 00:44:31.920 am for granted but like I'm a dope person There 00:44:31.920 --> 00:44:34.099 you go, and I deserve better. I deserve better 00:44:34.099 --> 00:44:37.320 treatment all of those things Yeah, that was 00:44:37.320 --> 00:44:39.679 helpful to shut down the noise and to figure 00:44:39.679 --> 00:44:43.880 out like what I truly think about myself and 00:44:43.880 --> 00:44:49.139 that also stems from why I allow myself to get 00:44:49.139 --> 00:44:51.980 in the type of relationships that I do. Because 00:44:51.980 --> 00:44:54.460 after I had that relationship with the youth 00:44:54.460 --> 00:44:57.440 pastor and I silenced all the noise, I was like, 00:44:57.519 --> 00:45:00.099 well now I see why I would attract a relationship 00:45:00.099 --> 00:45:03.059 like that. Because there's a lot of things that 00:45:03.059 --> 00:45:06.480 I'm lacking within myself. Like I may dress up 00:45:06.480 --> 00:45:09.139 and be cute on the outside and look confident 00:45:09.139 --> 00:45:11.940 and all those things, but on the inside, I'm 00:45:11.940 --> 00:45:18.320 really not. You're no longer under her roof. 00:45:19.519 --> 00:45:23.699 Right. So you can now start planting the seed. 00:45:23.699 --> 00:45:26.460 Stewarding myself. There you go. Steward yourself. 00:45:26.800 --> 00:45:30.559 You can navigate how you want to look and feel 00:45:30.559 --> 00:45:33.760 on the inside and the outside. You can make the 00:45:33.760 --> 00:45:37.079 match. You can mirror each other. You feel good, 00:45:37.400 --> 00:45:40.000 now you look good. You look good, now you feel 00:45:40.000 --> 00:45:43.239 good. It can mirror each other. When it comes 00:45:43.239 --> 00:45:46.679 to grief, because I lost my mom at 21, Grief 00:45:46.679 --> 00:45:49.239 is not something that you get over. It's something 00:45:49.239 --> 00:45:52.420 you got to get through. So it's nothing that 00:45:52.420 --> 00:45:55.920 you would ever probably be done doing. It's a 00:45:55.920 --> 00:46:01.780 process, but it's different phases of it. At 00:46:01.780 --> 00:46:04.940 this phase, you're like, okay, now it's self 00:46:04.940 --> 00:46:09.159 -security, self -confidence. Now I want to be 00:46:09.159 --> 00:46:13.280 able to bring that out, take that from... private 00:46:13.280 --> 00:46:16.039 to public you've already vented on the book you've 00:46:16.039 --> 00:46:19.739 been into the pen and paper you ready to expose 00:46:19.739 --> 00:46:25.739 your truth pat yourself on the back for first 00:46:25.739 --> 00:46:28.860 things first giving yourself the confidence to 00:46:28.860 --> 00:46:31.599 write the book you know what i'm saying second 00:46:31.599 --> 00:46:34.460 thing second is be able to get through those 00:46:34.460 --> 00:47:14.840 emotions that you were No, I don't want anybody 00:47:14.840 --> 00:47:17.460 to just know that they matter no matter what 00:47:17.460 --> 00:47:21.880 life Makes it seem like what a person makes it 00:47:21.880 --> 00:47:24.800 seem like what a person says does whatever you 00:47:24.800 --> 00:47:28.000 matter you still have purpose Be careful how 00:47:28.000 --> 00:47:31.960 you treat people it is so important to do people 00:47:31.960 --> 00:47:35.980 right treat people right question to you Natasha 00:47:35.980 --> 00:47:45.420 What does healing look like for you today? Freedom 00:47:45.420 --> 00:47:51.079 mentally. Yes, no more feeling imprisoned in 00:47:51.079 --> 00:47:56.539 my mind. It looks like freedom mentally. So letting 00:47:56.539 --> 00:48:02.760 go is freedom to be happy and to allow myself 00:48:02.760 --> 00:48:08.820 to be happy. Yeah. And that's good that you've 00:48:08.820 --> 00:48:14.219 arrived. to that moment for yourself. You've 00:48:14.219 --> 00:48:17.019 gotten to this phase where it's just like, I 00:48:17.019 --> 00:48:20.900 can think freely, I can speak freely, I'm not 00:48:20.900 --> 00:48:23.260 gonna let things cloud my brain like they used 00:48:23.260 --> 00:48:27.519 to. I'm not suppressing my voice and I'm not 00:48:27.519 --> 00:48:33.539 shrinking. And it's empowering to not shrink. 00:48:33.900 --> 00:48:36.880 You'll be like, no, this is what happened, this 00:48:36.880 --> 00:48:40.309 is how I felt. And I'm finna tell my story. I 00:48:40.309 --> 00:48:42.789 don't care who like it, who's mad about it, who, 00:48:42.949 --> 00:48:45.309 whatever. I'm doing this because it's what I 00:48:45.309 --> 00:48:48.929 wanna do. With a face like that, like yours, 00:48:49.110 --> 00:48:52.889 that is bold, beautiful, you shine. Oh, thank 00:48:52.889 --> 00:48:59.829 you. You are not shy. It does not show that I'm 00:48:59.829 --> 00:49:02.690 ready to hide my voice. Everything, your presence 00:49:02.690 --> 00:49:12.699 presents. This letter marks the end of what no 00:49:12.699 --> 00:49:16.159 longer belongs to me. I've told my story respectfully 00:49:16.159 --> 00:49:19.420 and I'm healing responsibly with intention. My 00:49:19.420 --> 00:49:22.059 pain has been named and now I put it to rest. 00:49:22.280 --> 00:49:24.820 I release the offenses. I release the people 00:49:24.820 --> 00:49:27.739 who caused them, whether intentionally or through 00:49:27.739 --> 00:49:30.280 neglect, I release the need for explanations, 00:49:30.500 --> 00:49:33.320 apologies, or understanding that may never come. 00:49:33.739 --> 00:49:35.599 What happened has been acknowledged, and it doesn't 00:49:35.599 --> 00:49:38.119 get to follow me forward. I choose to let go 00:49:38.119 --> 00:49:40.199 of what was heavy so that I can receive what's 00:49:40.199 --> 00:49:42.219 light and what's meant for me. I acknowledge 00:49:42.219 --> 00:49:44.840 the relationships that went astray. I no longer 00:49:44.840 --> 00:49:47.079 carry them with resentment, shaming, or longing. 00:49:47.500 --> 00:49:49.500 They are part of my story, not the definition 00:49:49.500 --> 00:49:54.780 of my future. I forgive. If this conversation 00:49:54.780 --> 00:49:58.099 resonated with you, take a moment and sit with 00:49:58.099 --> 00:50:02.380 it. When you're ready, check out Grieving the 00:50:02.380 --> 00:50:07.019 Living by Tasha Nicholson. The links will be 00:50:07.019 --> 00:50:09.519 in the description below. If you want to hear 00:50:09.519 --> 00:50:12.460 more conversations like this, subscribe, leave 00:50:12.460 --> 00:50:15.440 a comment. Let us know what your favorite part 00:50:15.440 --> 00:50:18.219 was. Let us know your favorite line from the 00:50:18.219 --> 00:50:18.480 book.