Welcome to Prep and Play, where we have conversations
about safer sexual pleasure. This podcast is
dedicated to empowering listeners through open,
honest discussions surrounding keeping our minds,
bodies, and spirits healthy while being sexually
active. My name is Danielle, and today we will
be continuing the conversation we started on
our last episode. So let's jump right back in
where we left off. All right. So moving forward,
this one I would love to hear a lot about. So
vetting and choosing a partner and building trust.
We talked a lot about negotiation and stuff like
that in the last segment, but what does vetting
mean? Vetting is a process of getting to know
someone's capabilities, boundaries, ethics, experiences,
especially where power or risk is involved. And
the term vetting is not just used in the BDSM
lifestyle. Vetting can be used for people who
you want to bring into a vanilla organization.
Like who are you? what do you want, what are
your terms? Asking people the questions is just
a get to know you process. And when you want
an Aveda partner for a scene, especially if you
don't know this person like me. I like to ask
people about them. Like if I see that they're
a mutual friend of yours on Fat Life, Fat Life
is like Facebook for kinksters. That's the best
way I can describe Fat Life. So you're gonna
ask about, okay, your experience level, your
specialties, your safety practices. And it's
important to ask those questions because some
people have answers that's a red flag because
there are some people who can be bad dominants
and there are some people who can be bad submissives.
So asking them about their education, you know,
kink circles are you in? What groups are you
hanging around? Asking those questions, because
if somebody says, well, I've never been, I've
been in the lifestyle 10 years, but you ask about
the events going around. Now, I'm not gonna say
there are some people who are quiet practices
of, practices of kink, but if you're saying that
you've been in this lifestyle for 20 years, and
where we live at is small, so. And you mean nobody
know who you are? And you say you been a nobody,
nobody. And there's a lot of elders in this who've
been in the lifestyle longer than a lot of us
have been alive. So, and you saying none of them
know you, you've never been to any public event?
Why? So that's like something I'll question.
Like why aren't you being invited to these events?
Why aren't you going to these events? Cause they
all have doms who just be so eager. I said that
they're not doms, they're just. people who want
to hit another person and you don't want to do
the safety. They don't know anything about safety
or they don't know how to properly use their
tools. They're tying wrong. They're doing things
very sloppily. So if they can't give you clear
and concise answers, I personally wouldn't play
with them if they don't have enough education.
Cause I've seen thousands upon thousands of dollars.
I fly to a con out of state at least twice a
year. I haven't been able to go this year because
of my new job, but I'll fly to a education con
out of state. I'm always asking questions. I'm
the one who, I go to different organizations
that are based on teaching, and I ask them, I
love to ask questions. I went to an event where
I got to learn about fire flogging, because the
group I'm with is very hands -on, so they will
teach you. About they'll teach you like you want
to do this because one person was like, okay,
come get this. I'm like no I'm scared. He's like,
get this girl. And I'm like, okay, cause he's
trying to teach me how to fly a flog. And I'm
like, I'm scared I'm gonna set my husband on
fire. So I'm scared to get the flog. He's like,
get it. Like they're very hands on teaching.
So I'm lucky that I'm surrounded by a community
who's teaching me a lot. That's why the vetting
goes in because I had to be vetted into this
community. So I take it very seriously because
they welcomed me into their community. I don't
want to just bring any old body in with me cause
then they gonna look at you, because you are
an extension of the people you bring in, and
that's with anything. So they're like, you brought
this person in here, they're being rude, they're
being intrusive, so that is why it's important
to get to know people before you bring them into
your space. And you know, you can have the conversations,
like I said, the community connections, expectations,
ask about limits, and if a submissive tells you
they do not have a limit, that is a red flag.
That is a big red flag when people like I'm down
for anything usually when somebody say I'm down
for anything I'm like, okay So let me stab you
cross your back and pour a line of salt in it
since you down for anything You know, I know
that's kind of extreme. But since you're down
for anything You're down for that. Yeah, you
mentioned there were bad doms who portray a level
of experience that they don't have. There are
also bad submissives who portray a level of openness
that they do not have. Yeah, because and then
also don't think because you see somebody and
there's a lot of submissives who want to play
monkey see monkey do because they'll see someone
else doing something. They'll think that, OK,
I can do it, too, because like me and one of
my friends, she does wax on me a lot because
I love wax. And she does my, now when it comes
to doing wax, you're supposed to do wax away
from the skin, because the further you are, the
cooler it is. But because I'm a heavy bottom
and we've played together several times, she
knows that she can do the wax like half an inch
to an inch away from my skin and I'm fine. But
somebody else may see her doing that to me and
it's like, oh, I wanna do that. and they'll go
tell somebody I want to do wax and I love it
close to the skin and the next thing you know
they have a burn on their back because they didn't
assess the risk they just wanted to do something
they saw somebody else to do and they'll get
into things such as sub frenzy and sub frenzies
when they just got to do everything everywhere
all at once that happened to me like when I first
went to a con this is when I was still more trying
to find I thought I was a submissive And I just
wanted to do everything. I got kind of frenzied
because I was like, I'm going to do this with
this person. I'm going to do this with that person.
I'm going to do this with this person. And I
was very frenzied because it was so much to do.
so many things to experience, so you have to
watch out. And you know, sub -frenzy is not necessarily,
I would call that a yellow flag, because that's
something you need to talk about to them and
tell them, you know, calm down, because there's
nothing wrong with teaching somebody who doesn't
know anything. There's nothing wrong with you
as an experienced person being somebody's introduction
into this lifestyle, but making sure you are
a safe introduction. It's very easy to hurt somebody
and end up in the ER with a less than still a
So, making sure you're properly educated and
asking questions. And also, you know, ask people
about their SCI sexual health status. Now, that's
a question. It's kind of, it's one of those things
where, and I know we're, you know, this is AS,
so we're all about, you know, safety and getting
tested. But with some people, it's kind of like
one of those things where people be like, I don't
owe you my status if... we're not having sex.
So there are some people who feel that way because
they're like, if there's not a risk of sexual
intercourse, they feel like they don't have to
tell the status me. I'm all about being open
with somebody and telling them, you know, this
is it, this tell people their status, but some
people don't, so that's something you have to
really decide among you. Like, if you wanna play
with a bottom who tells you, okay, I don't need
to tell you my status because we're just playing,
but then you draw blood and you don't know they're
HIV positive or something, you don't know how
to properly clean it up, that could, you know.
And that's a really good point. We mentioned
talking about STI and sexual health status in
conversations before sex. But just to clarify,
you know, not all BDSM includes sex. It doesn't
know it's perfectly normal and common to have
these practices and power exchange without sex.
I feel if someone's going to be a regular part
night is different. I'll say like if you're just
doing some play with someone, pick up play, you
may not have to sit there and tell that person
your whole sexual health is up to you and your
comfort. But also if the person asks you don't
lie, I'm the kind of person that if someone,
I feel like being open and honest in all situations,
but that's something you need to think about
within yourself and think about do you want to
risk because you got to think about stuff like,
you know, HSV, which is skin contact, which is
very rare that it can happen, but you know, you
can spread it like if they touch your genitals
and you're shedding or you're on the cusp of
an outbreak or they don't know what an outbreak
looks like, that can be a problem. Yeah, definitely.
And so when you're in this vetting process, what
are some red flags to look out both as a dominant
and as a submissive? People who want to rush
into intense play, like I talked about, refusing
to say they won't allow negotiations. There are
some doms who will be like, I don't allow safe
words or I don't let you say no. And it's like,
who? OK, peace. Or people who want to keep secrets
and not be open and honest who have disrespectful
behavior who wanna push your boundaries and not
listen or minimizing your limits. They're like,
I don't believe in limits. If they're doing anything
like that from the sub or the dominant or the
switch, that's a red flag and that's something
you should. Not play with them or be very cautious
when playing with them because it can go from
happy to sad to mad really awesome And so if
we are engaging in this type of play we want
to we want to talk about ways to be safe risks
to be aware of and ways to reduce harm. So what
are some physical safety guidelines? So with
the physical safety guidelines, you want to know
when impact play. You want to know what places
you can hit and what places you can't hit. Like
you should avoid hitting people like on. Now
some people like this, but in general, you should
avoid hitting people on their spine. You should
avoid hitting joints. You should avoid hitting
people on their tailbone. You should avoid hitting
people on their kneecaps, the back of the knees,
the elbows. You should know what are okay to
hit and what areas are not okay to hit. And just
because one person says you can hit them hard
on this spot doesn't mean the next person can
because people have different. Like me, like
I said, my friend can punch me in my butt because
I don't have any hip problems. But if somebody
has hip problems, and technically you can hit
somebody on the behind, but if they got hip problems,
you can't hit them as hard or maybe they don't
want you to hit like right on their hip meat.
They want you to go further in. So you just gotta
know. where to avoid the kidneys also, the chest,
the heart. Like if you're doing some kind of
breast play, avoid hitting in the heart. Like
knowing where those organs are, you gotta have
a basic sense of anatomy. And like when you're
doing bondage, you know, make sure that you're
tying tight enough to have them restrained, but
you're not cutting off their circulation. Like
knowing if their fingers are going numb. or if
they start feeling heavy pulsing, you're seeing
a lot of bruising that's not, cause some people
bruise easily, but if their arms and stuff start
like turning purple or black, you may need to
check in on that. You know, keeping safety, like
the person who was teaching me rope told me,
you never do rope without safety shears. And
knowing the proper shears to have with rope,
cause you can't use the scissors that you use
doing rope on a curvature, so you can go under
and cut because normal scissors are at a point
and you could sever and otter it if you use pointed
scissors. So having the special safety shears
when you're doing bondage, when you're doing
rope, always checking in with the person. Are
you okay? You cannot check in too much. Are you
okay? Like with fire play, having a fire blanket,
having water near, having something to smother
out the flames, knife play, having first aid
kit handy in case you know someone gets cut.
too deep knowing when someone needs to go to
an ER and get stitches and with stuff like edgier
play like I mentioned sound and electro play
knowing what you are doing so you don't hurt
someone. If you are engaging in fire knife or
electro play proper training and education becomes
really important in those situations. Yes because
just a little story with electro play I have
a copper IUD. I won't do electric play because
I have had too many conflicting answers on if
the copper in my uterus can conduct electricity.
So I don't let nobody do electric on me. Even
when I'm practicing stuff, I don't handle electricity
because some people are like, it won't do anything.
Some people are like, God no, don't do it. I
have not gotten, I don't want to be the person
to test the theory and I don't want to be the
example. So I stay away from it because I've
asked people who have done this for years and
everybody has a different answer. So risk aware,
consensual kink. I know the risk of having copper
in my uterus. So I don't take that risk. I just
don't, I don't engage in it top or bottom. That
makes a lot of sense. And then, so what are some
ways that we can keep ourselves mentally and
emotionally safe? Keeping yourself mentally and
emotionally safe. One thing is be prepared for
a drop. and what drop is, it's just like it sounds
like when you're in kinking and when you're in
a scene, you get this high, you're on this emotional
high, but then once you're, it's almost like
an orgasm. You know, you have an orgasm and you
hit that pivotal point and then you're coming
down. Drop is like where all those emotions just.
come down on you all at once, and you're just
feeling like everything, especially after a really
intense scene, and that's why aftercare is important,
knowing what you need. You need affirmations,
ground, and snacks, a blanket, a cuddle. I'm
not a big cuddler, but if the person I'm playing
with wants to be cuddled, that's their aftercare,
so I'm gonna cuddle. Like I said, I'm not a big
cuddler when it comes to people, but I will do
it because... It's what they need and as the
dom in the situation, you have to know how to
help them through that sub drop and asking them
what aftercare looks for them, asking about those
triggers and trauma they've been through and
having conversations. I'm gonna keep saying is
having those conversations. About what it looks
like for them because there are some people I've
seen some people who can get their asshole at
the frame and then go eat a slice of pizza They
don't need any aftercare But then I've seen some
people who need to be held in the corner for
20 minutes knowing what the person Because Dom's
can drop too because you will be like oh my some
people be like, oh my god Did I just do this
to another human being even though it's consensual?
they still will feel bad about it because it's
sometimes I've done something and it's like That
wasn't nice. I done walked on these shoes everywhere
and I done made him put his mouth on them. I
don't think like, oh God, the germs. You'll think
about stuff like that afterwards. So knowing
to tell yourself, no, he knew what he was doing
or she knew what she was doing. Cause I play
with male, I play with anybody. I'm pansexual,
I play with anybody. I don't care what's in your
pants. And then keeping ourselves sexually healthy
and safe. What are some common practices there?
Of course STD, STI testing come to places like
Shell Health, AAS, get tested, get on PrEP, because
I didn't even know from, you know, from talking
with people who work for AAS, you know, I didn't
even know that they had years ago, they had made
a PrEP that was safe for people who are assigned
female at birth, because I thought for years
PrEP was only for people assigned male at birth,
and I was like, oh, now they have another PrEP,
and then I found out they have a PrEP injection
now, so. going to those different places, Googling
sexual health resources, free testing sites,
because you can get tested. You should not avoid
getting tested because of the finances, because
there are places to get tested for free. That
van from this organization always parks on work.
You can go get tested. You just have to do a
little research. That's why I always send people
here. I'll tell people, you need to get tested.
there are ways to get tested for free. And you
know, using condoms, gloves, like when I'm playing
with somebody, like if I'm using my hands, like
on someone anally or vaginally, I'm going to
wear rubber gloves because I'm not sticking my
hands because if I got a cut or something on
my hands, a micro tear, you have an infection
that can get into my bloodstream. So using gloves,
I put condoms on my toys, knowing how to properly
clean your toys, knowing what you can use on
your toys. also a part of and using like dental
dams and other barriers if you decide to have
more sexual scenes and know you know how that
power play intersects with safety practices.
And that's why negotiation matters even more
here because you got to know, okay, what is your
limit? How do you practice safe sex or how do
you practice a safe scene? Asking those questions.
I keep telling y 'all it's all about the conversation.
And then as far as public spaces and community
events go, how can you engage safely in those
community play environments? Look for the dungeon
rules. Every dungeon has their own set of rules.
I've been in some spaces where they're like no
cameras. Put your phone away. Some places are
like just be polite. with your camera, some places
are like, you can take a picture, you just gotta
ask somebody to watch over your picture to make
sure nobody's in the picture, so. Ask the rules
of the space you're in. If you're not familiar,
most spaces will have like, when you come to
their group or play party, they may have like
an orientation or something for new members.
So you'll know the rules of that space. And you
know, like I said, the other rules everybody
should know. Don't be touching people's stuff.
Don't interrupt anybody's scene. Be courteous,
be polite. Voyeurism is a quiet sport. Find out
who, if you're in a large dungeon, like if you're
at a playhouse or something, find out who the
DMs are, like DM that stands for dungeon monitors.
They're the people who are going around making
sure everybody is safe, making sure the rules
are enforced. Learn who they are so if you have
a problem, you can go to them. And just learn
how to engage safely in a community environment.
If somebody's making you uncomfortable, tell
one of the leaders, tell one of the dungeon monitors.
Don't go off with somebody. Some places will
have an open door policy where you can't go behind
a closed door with somebody because everybody
should be able to monitor. So just knowing that
if you know if you're shy you don't want to be
seen and that's one of the rules that the doors
have to stay open or you need permission to lock
a door and you have to ask because you can't
break a rule because like I said, that's the
rule. So just knowing the rules. of that space,
always being smart, staying on your piece, staying
on your cue. And we got into this a little bit,
but let's just go over fully. What are some types
of play and common practices? Okay, well, my
favorite types of play are... Impact play. And
impact play is just what it sounds like. You're
using tools like, you know, floggers and paddles
and canes for sensation. Like you're using them
on different body parts for, cause you're making
an impact with body, with instrument. And I love
sensation play. And sensation play is cause I'm
more of a central sadist. So I made. punch you,
but then I'll rub it out. So I love playing with
wax. Wax is one of my favorite things to do.
So playing with the temperature, I may put some
wax on you, then I may take some ice and put
some ice on it, and play around with the different
temperatures, or Wardenburg wheels, which is
a little spiky wheel that looks like a meat tenderizer,
and you just roll it and it's prickly. Or like,
you know those shears that you shred, like when
you make like a Boston butt, and you shred those,
where you can use those. I like to keep my nails
long so I can use them to rub them across somebody
back. And then bondage, I'm into bondage. I'm
still learning rope. That's just tying people,
restraining them, taping them. And role playing,
I love role playing. That's where you and a person
decide y 'all gonna take on these roles. I'ma
be the car and you gonna be the mechanic and
you gonna give me a tune up. Or pet play, where
somebody's like, you're the handler, and they're
the pet, they're the horsey, they're the puppy,
they're the kitty. Or, you know, like I talked
about the dominance and submissive, and you know,
some people like humiliation, like when I say
humiliation, they like to be degraded, they like
to be talked down on, they like... to be like
humiliated and embarrassed. Like when I told
you, I'll tell somebody, you know, you ain't
worth but shit under my shoe, clean the bottom
of my shoe with your tongue, stuff like that.
There are people who are into that. And then
praise kings, I like people who like to be uplifted
and they just like to be regarded and they like
to be worshiped. You know, praise king. And sensory
deprivation, where it's like, you know, they
have those hoods where you can't see, you can't
hear. Some people go full into it where you can't
see, you can't hear. They'll put your hands in
something so all your senses are messed up. Oh
lord, I'm too claustrophobic for that. And edge
play, which are edgier plays with knives or breath
play where you're cutting off somebody's breath
or sounding where you're putting things into
the urethra and things like that. Stuff like
that, you shouldn't be doing that unless it's
a profession. That is not something you try the
first, second, third, fourth, or fifth time.
That edgy play is stuff you have to really educate
yourself on. And I do just want to mention that,
you know, people explore these practices for
many reasons. Pleasure, trust. intimacy, catharsis
or creative expression, you know, there's different
practices and different, different reasons behind
them. Don't judge anybody. Like we've talked
about that though, not judging people, de -stigmatizing
sex because there are people who have sex or
who are kinky who are ashamed of the way they
are. Like they feel shame. You know, even people
who are married are embarrassed to tell their
partner, you know, I want you to spank me. I
want you to do this. And it's like, Even if you're
a Christian, the Bible says, you know, what it
is? The marital bed is undefiled. So you're married
and you're worried about someone. You're like,
when people are like, oh, well somebody's going
to talk about me or it's like, who are you telling
your business? If you like this and you're keeping
it to you and your partner, you shouldn't worry
about it because the only way somebody's gonna
know your business is if you go out and tell
them. So not feeling bad because you like the
things you like. Now there are some things that,
again, I'm not gonna get into that, that are
dark and you should seek mental health help if
you are liking people in a non -consensual way
or parties who can't consent. That is not right.
Let me say that. Let me stand ten toes down.
That is not right. Anything non -consensual with
a person or thing or that cannot consent, that
is never okay. You should seek some kind of mental
health. Quick, fast, and then a hurry. But outside
of that, all other sexual desires are normal,
healthy, and can be expressed in healthy ways.
Yes. Like I said, I'll never kink shame, but
I will kink question. Kink side eye. I will kink
side eye. I will kink shrug. All right, and let's
talk a little bit about the emotional and spiritual
dimensions of kink. So kink can be very intimate
and vulnerable. So you wanna talk a little bit
more about that? Yeah, it's like a power exchange.
It can be so much trust and connection because
you're giving somebody a piece of you and in
the same time, you're being trusted with a piece
of someone. So it builds that connection. It
helps you explore things in your relationship
you never knew you would explore. Like my partner,
he was like really weird about, cause we were
trying to force ourselves into this box where
I ever, Everybody who knows me knows I'm a very
dominating person. So it's the fact that he was
so worried about being submissive that he tried
to force himself to a box. He wasn't meant to
be in, because he's more switchy submissive.
So once we started exploring his submissive side,
he was able to be vulnerable and know, yeah,
I like to sit at your feet. I like to service
you. I like to do stuff for you, and I'm OK with
it. I have to kind of tell him, because he loves
me down. So he never lets me put my own shoes
on. So he'll be like, okay, let me put your shoes
and your socks on. So then I'll be at my mom's
house and he'll go put my shoes on, let me get
your shoes. And I'm like. I tell people he likes
to wait on me handing. I'm lucky, but because
I was able to help guide him to that place of
submission and not make him feel ashamed because
he's a black man and a lot of black men feel
the need to be dominated overbearing. They never
get to show their soft side. So he was able to
trust in me to guide him to showing his soft
side. People use kink as a form of communication
where it's like. I can't really express this,
but I can show you this. It's like, okay, I've
been through this trauma, help me work through
it by doing this with you. Now I recommend if
you're gonna work through traumas, that you also
get mental health care. I don't think you should
just go like saying, I'm gonna do this to work
through it, to face this trauma without first,
you know, seeking mental health care because
at the end of the day, you're still gonna have
to process it the same. Yeah. And many people
do learn a lot about themselves, their desires.
boundaries, confidence through kink exploration.
And as you mentioned, it can also be a space
for healing and empowerment for people who've
experienced trauma, especially to reclaim autonomy,
especially marginalized identities. And it is
important to handle that carefully and do not
frame kink as therapy, but rather as potentially
affirming consensual play. Yes. That's why I
say it can be therapeutic. It is not recommended
for therapy. Do not use kink as your only source
of therapy. seek help from a therapist and find
you a BDSM kink aware, educated therapist who's
able to understand, there is hard, especially
when it comes to finding black sex positive kink
aware therapists, but they're out there, you
just gotta find them. So, and tell them, you
know, so they'll be able to understand that this
is why you do this because you're trying to face
this, but don't use kink as your only form of
therapy. I am still a proprietor of getting proper
mental health care. Awesome. And so how can beginners
who are interested in BDSM and kink get started?
I would say, you know, start educating yourself.
Start looking up different spaces for education.
Look up classes you can take. There are a lot
of, you know, after the pandemic, there are a
lot of online classes you can take. Get on Fat
Life. Go on the community events. Start with
going to munches because a munch is basically
like a gathering of people who are into kink
and a vanilla scent. So that's how I started
getting to know people. I started going to munches.
And once I met around everybody, at the munches
and people got to know me, I was able to get
invited to the education events where you can
learn. Go to things like Kinky College. It's
in Chicago. It's a big kink education event.
Educate yourself first. Then start off small.
You may be smarter with one flog or soft stuff
like blindfolding. Maybe some light spanking
role play. Ease into it and go for the heavier
stuff the more you educate yourself. And find
books. Reach out to people. If you see me doing
something or presenting in public, ask me a question.
I love answering questions. And if I don't know
the answer, I know people who can answer it.
Just talk to people. A lot of people in this
lifestyle who are the real OGs, the real educated,
they love to answer questions because they would
rather you ask a question and have the proper
education than go rogue and hurt yourself or
somebody else. And when it comes to edgier play,
like some things you can learn from videos, but
some things are hands on and you should have
a professional guide in you. When it comes to
things like sounding, the breath playing, all
of that, don't just rely on a video watching
somebody. Do the research as professional. Don't
be ashamed. Love yourself, love who you are,
explore who you are, never be afraid to ask questions
and you should go listen to the Safe Word podcast
on all streaming sites where you can find a plethora
of information on these topics we've discussed
and more. Awesome. And I just want to reiterate
that BDSM and Kink are fundamentally about choice,
communication, care, and consent. As Zee said,
we want to encourage you to get to know yourself
and keep learning. Thank you so much, Z. You
mentioned your podcast, The Safe Word. For some
reason, we started that podcast in 2020. We were
the only Safe Word podcast. Look for the Safe
Word podcast with Mystique and Mr. Everlasting.
Awesome. Yeah. So that is all for today. Stay
tuned for our next episode, which I'm sure I'll
figure out eventually. Thank you all for listening.