Welcome to Prep and Play, where we have conversations
about safer sexual pleasure. This podcast is
dedicated to empowering listeners through open,
honest discussions surrounding keeping our minds,
bodies, and spirits healthy while being sexually
active. My name is Danielle, and I'm the Rural
Outreach Specialist at AIDS Alabama South. And
today I have with me Hi, my name is Zee. I also
go by Mystique and I am a kink and BDSM educator.
I've been on the education side about, I've been
doing it like super seriously maybe the last
two years, but I've been helping educate maybe
for the last five years ever since I started
a podcast with a friend of mine back in 2020.
And what we do is we focus on educating Black
and other people of color. about kink, BDSM,
and other alternative lifestyles. And what drew
me to kink education and sexual education overall
is my day job is a therapist, so... I'm always
educating people about their mental health. So
I just love educating people, having people do
things, you know, teaching them how to do things
safely, teaching them that nothing is wrong with
them, helping destigmatize because I didn't have
that education when I was younger. I was told
when I had questions to go read a book, my mom
would always say, go read a book, go look it
up. And that just gave me an obsession with sex
education, King education. I just wanted to know
more and more and more. So that's kind of what
led me into. because a lot of people, especially
in the black community, have a lot of shame surrounding
this topic. So I want to be that person and be
that voice and tell them, it's okay, come learn,
it's safe here. I love that. And I'm also probably
going to ask you to come back for my mental health
and sexuality episode. Oh, yay. I would love
that. Yeah. So since we have Z with us today,
we're going to be exploring BDSM and kink not
as something taboo, but as a set of practices
rooted in communication, consent, creativity
and community. And we do want to emphasize inclusivity
in this conversation. Kink exists across identities,
backgrounds and bodies. So to start off. What
is BDSM? What do those letters stand for? What
BDSM stands for is bondage, discipline, and sadomasochism.
Some people will say bondage, dominance, submission,
and masochism. It depends on who you ask, but
I've always known it as bondage, discipline,
and sadomasochism. And what it stands for is
just some of the core areas of kink being bondage,
you know, that's using restraints and, you know,
like I said, tying people up. cuffing people
up. Discipline is just having rules to, you know,
create that erotic or that consensual control.
We always talk about consent is sexy. That's
gonna be one of my big things we talk about in
our podcast. Consent is sexy. So it's about,
you know, when you hear the word discipline,
people look at it in a negative term. They're
like, thinking about when they were young and
their parents like, I'm gonna rule you with an
iron fist. But what the discipline is, it's just
two adults deciding that one person is gonna
take the dominant role. And with that dominant
role, we'll get into that a little bit later
on when a dominant or submissive is. But you
just taking that. that dominant role, creating
these are the boundaries, these are what we gonna
follow, and the submissive is the person who
follows, even though they don't really follow,
because the submissive leads as much as the dom
leads. A lot of people don't realize that. And
sadism is people who like to inflict pain, like
to inflict that heaviness to, and masochism is
people who like to receive that pain. So that's
what BDSM stands for. Awesome, great explanation.
And then Kink as well. So we like to talk about
kink and BDSM. So what's the difference there?
So kink is just any non -traditional erotic interest.
It's the difference. A lot of people will mix
up kink and fetish. A fetish is something you
need to have sex, and a kink is something you
just like when you have sex. Like I'll say, my
husband, he has a belly fetish, which means he
only... dates plus size women, which means that
if they don't got a belly, he can't date them.
Whereas a kink is like, I like to see men in
boots. It's not something like he has to wear
a pair of boots anytime we have sex, but it's
like something about a man in boots is like really
sexy to me. And also I like to wear boots, so,
cause I like to step on people. So I have a boot
kink, but it's not a fetish cause the boots aren't
needed. And BDSM is just a specific set of practices
involved the negotiated roles, the power, or
the sensation. Awesome, awesome. And speaking
of those roles, let's talk a little bit about
different types of dynamics. So you got into
a little bit of DS, dominant submissive dynamics.
Do you want to talk a little bit more about that?
So DS dynamics are just power exchange dynamics
where one person takes on that top role where
the top is the person who's given the action
or the bottom role and the bottom is the person
who receives it. And the dominants and the submissives
exchange power. They can overlap sometimes, but
they aren't the same. Because usually, like I
said, the dominant is the person who is given
the punishment, they're given the orders. A dominant
person is the person who takes the lead and makes
the decisions while the submissive person, you
know, they will willingly yields the control
and takes a more supporting role. Now, there
are things called, like I'll just touch on, it's
called total power exchange and in total power
exchange, that is when one person, people like
to call it master slave dynamic. really into
the whole master slave, you know, I don't like,
I'm not gonna call nobody master or anything
like that, like even when people go by the name,
cause some people, their kink name would be master
this. And it's like, I just, I can't, I have
to call you something else or like I'll, like
if your name is master water, I'll call you like
MW or something. I just can't call people master.
But with that, the slave is like a master and
slave dynamic where this person has given full
control over their life. full control over everything
to that person and some of them will live in
a 24 -7 dynamic which means they live together,
they have the dynamic, they live together and
every... sect of their lives and household is
controlled by this dynamic. Like some people
all see what they'll have. Well, you have to
keep my house clean. You have to dress up. You
have to make sure food is cooked. And there is
still consent in these roles because people will
get together. They'll talk about it. They'll
talk about their boundaries. They'll talk about
their hard limits, which is things that are completely
off the table no matter what. Because like meet
race play, which is play to do with race is completely
off the limit. There is no amount of money you
can pay me to do race play and like a soft limit
would be something that I'm open to it I don't
know if I would do it or not but in the right
situation I would like me sounding which is you
read the play we're not even gonna go into that
right now but that's something it's a soft limit
for me it's like would I sound somebody probably
once I'm still educating myself on it but it's
also something that I'm like And then with, I
forgot, let me go back a little bit with the
dom and sub, you might think, okay, what if I'm
in the middle? And that's somebody who's a switch.
That's somebody who likes to give and receive.
Cause when I started my kink journey, I was more
of a switch, but I've since evolved more into
a dominant person who enjoys bottoming from time
to time. But mostly I identify as a dominant.
That was such a great explanation. So can we
talk a little bit more about some styles of diner?
as far as like. play partners, lifestyle partners,
romantic partners? Is this something you can
expound on? So with play partners, they mostly
are like people who just play together. They
might be like, okay, when we see each other,
we'll play together, but there's nothing like
serious, there's nothing like contractual. It's
just like, I have friends, like, cause I only
will bottom for certain people. So it's like
one of my really good friends, I'll bottom for
him. Cause he, cause I am, I have a really high
pain tolerance and he does, So he likes to punch
me in the ass like really hard because I just
let him because it's relaxing to me So me and
him are more of play partners, but then you have
lifestyle partners and with his lifestyle partners
they're integrating that BDSM into the daily
lives and Romantic partners are just people who
are dating. It's just like regular boyfriend
and girlfriend and there are some people who
may be BDSM partners and romantic partners like
me and my husband. I'm the dominant and he's
a switchy submissive. But we're also married,
so our married relationship is different from
our BDSM relationship because there's things
in marriage that we have that we don't want to
bleed over into the BDSM. Cause like if I put
him across my lip and spank him, like forgiving
me lip if we're doing BDSM play, if we're having
an argument about the light bill, I'm not gonna
be like, I'ma spank you. So we try to keep those
things separately. And I also want to say that
all dynamics are valid. Whether you are a, Mommy
Dom, Daddy Dom, and a little, or a caregiver
and a little, which is a little is just someone
who enjoys like age play regression, all of that.
or if you are a dominant and a submissive or
you a master and a slave or you a rope top and
a rope bunny all dynamics are valid as long as
you are practicing and we're going to get into
this next is you're practicing some form of safety
and there are a lot now the acronyms have changed
throughout the years. Like, people will say this,
and you ask people, they like, so, what do you
practice? Like, what kind of safety, what is
your safety practice? And two of the biggest
ones that I've seen in the lifestyle are safe,
sane, and consensual, which is SSC. And that
just means that what you do is you're doing it
safely, everybody is in the same mind, and everybody,
is consenting to what's going on. But a lot of
people will push back on safe saying and consensual
because they're like, who decides who's saying
or not? Because some people will be like, you
should never drink when you kink and I don't
believe in drinking or being under the influence
when they kink. But some people are like, I just
need one drink to loosen me up. That's their
idea of saying is one drink. My idea of saying
is no drink. So that's where that is a little
shaky. is between people in the community. And
I've also heard a little bit of a pushback against
the concept of safe in that scenario because
like what is truly safe when we are. engaging
in those power dynamics. And honestly, what is
truly safe when we're having sex in general?
There's always some amount of risk. Exactly.
That is so true. A lot of people, that's what
goes into the risk aware consensual kink, because
it's risk aware. It's like, you know what you're
doing is risk. You know the risks of it, but
you're still deciding to consent to this. But
just like with SSC, with rec, people will have
different ideas of what a risk profile is. an
argument that has been used in the community
because it's like I don't think this is a risk
profile but then this person thinks that this
is risky another person doesn't think is risky
so it all goes back to communication and talking
to the person who you're gonna play with about
what style you want to use going through the
safety precautions, what you're gonna do, talking
it out. You should never just jump into something
with somebody without at least having a conversation
to guide what you're gonna do. And another one
I'm gonna say is, this is one I use, is, I can't
remember the acronym, it's too long, but it's
like, your kink is not my kink, but your kink
is okay. Which basically, when I tell somebody
your kink, is not my kink, but your kink is okay.
It means like, yeah, I ain't finna do it. But
if you wanna do it, you know, have at it, live
your life, but it's just not nothing I wanna
do. So that's another one. I love that it goes
into that don't yuck my yum type vibe. Yeah,
I will never kink shame, but I will kink ask
why. I will kink side eye, I will kink question,
but I will never kink shame. Y 'all be like,
you know. Have at it, I'm not one to judge nobody.
I have definitely heard some things that made
me kink side eyes, so I really like that. It's
a lot of stuff that I'm not gonna judge people
because as long as you know, people will see
it as, you know, as long as the bottom line is
two consenting adults, which is true. So even
when it's two consenting adults, I'm like, yeah,
okay, you know, if you like it, I can tolerate
it, so. But just remember that consent is ongoing,
it should be enthusiastic, and you should be
able to revisit those boundaries at any time.
So if you say, okay, I'd like you to tie my hands
behind my back and not let me loose, but then
you decide, okay, I don't want my hands tied
behind my back anymore, I just want my hands
tied to my front, you should be able to revisit
that conversation and tell the person you're
playing with, I don't want to do this anymore,
can we change it? And learn what enthusiasm,
is wearing people down or heavily convincing
someone to do something is not enthusiastic consent.
If you ask somebody to do something, they're
like, yeah, whatever, sure. That's not enthusiastic.
But they were like, yes, I want to do it. Let's
talk about it. That is enthusiastic consent.
Yes. Consent is sexy. Enthusiastic consent. And
so you mentioned a lot about those conversations
and boundaries. So what would that look like
in the context of a BDSM dynamic? See, because
of my day job, and I know you're familiar with
it, the biopsychosocial evaluation, I kind of
have the, it's gonna sound funny, I have. I have
a form. When someone wants me, and I can show
it to you later, when someone wants to play with
me or wants to be my bottom or wants to sing
with me, I have a form that I tell them, okay,
I took the time to create this form. And I'm
like, okay, fill out my form and let me know.
Because I'm kind of neurodivergent and because
I have so much going on, it's hard for me to
remember a lot of details when it comes to conversations.
So I do that to make it easier, so I'll know,
okay, this person wants to play with me, they're
interested in this, they don't like this, they
want this, they're okay with this. Like, the
questions on my form are, do you have any medical
issues, because certain people with certain medical
issues, you have to play a different way. Like,
I know somebody's diabetic, I would be careful
about breaking skin, because, you know, people
who are diabetic heal slower. Or if somebody
has, like, necrosis in their shoulders or something,
I'll... have to look up okay if you want to be
restrained what's the safest way to restrain
you also of course I ask about mental health
what kind of mental issues are you working through
do you have any kind of PTSD depression bipolar
disorder because if you have bipolar disorder
I'm not gonna play with you when you're manic
because I don't feel like personally to me now
some people may feel differently your judgment
is clouded when you're manic. So if you're manic,
I wouldn't want to play with you because I would
want you to be able to because I believe in saying
safe and consensual. So if I feel like you're
too manic to play, I'm not going to do that.
And also with PTSD, people have certain triggers.
So we have to work through, okay, are you triggered
by the sound of this item? I've seen people who
are triggered by belts and some people like to
play with belts or like when somebody does that,
it triggers them back to their trauma. So I feel
like mental health and can't go. hand in hand
because a lot of people, they will, you know,
use, I won't say that kink should be used as
a tool for your mental health, but some people
are able to face those situations they've been
in by being in certain kink scenarios. So that's
what I do. I talk to the person and I tell them,
okay, you fill out my form. And once they fill
out my form, I will talk to them about what they
put on the form and be like, okay, so I have
a little box that says you have any other questions
for me. I'll be like, okay, so I do just like
I'm at work. Like, okay. Intake evaluation. Yes,
it literally has intake form on the top of it.
It literally has intake form on the top of it.
So I'll be like, okay, here's my form. Let me
see if I can pull it up for you sure. Like this
is my form. and I'll ask them home. I love that.
But I've also heard a lot about neurodivergence
and kink and how well those go together. Can
I read some of these questions? Sure. Okay, so,
you know, it starts off with name, lifestyle
name and preferred pronouns, current relationship
status. What are you looking for, like long term
play, scenes, dynamic? What can you offer as
a submissive? Things that are off the table,
like triggers and limits. This one I love. What
does aftercare look like for you? What are you
looking to gain from a scene? What safe word
and or system do you prefer? Do you have any
injuries or medical conditions I need to know
about? Favorite kind of toys? What type of play
style do you prefer? Serious, funny, instructional?
Types of impact? Where can I hit? What are your
kinks and fetishes? Ooh, any sexual fantasies?
Do you have any unexplored kinks and fetishes?
I love that. thank you is I had some friends
they did forums too so we kind of bounced questions
off each other and was like oh I didn't think
of this question oh you didn't think of this
question I thought of this question I try to
hit everything because I don't like to leave
room for guesswork because as a dominant or person
at the top someone is being put into a very vulnerable
position when they're being submissive so I want
to make sure that I am creating the best environment
where all can feel comfortable so after we go
through that I may ask questions like okay So
how do you want to start? Because I require,
especially if it's somebody I don't know. Like
if I'm at like a con or something, that's kind
of different because we're all there for the
same thing. But like if someone reaches out to
me and like, okay, I want to play, I require
two in -person meetings. Like I need to meet
you, get to know you in public. I'm not just
going to meet you up unless it's somebody I know.
Like if... because I'm in certain kink organizations.
So if it's somebody that's in the organization
who I already know, it's like, okay, I don't
really have to do that with you. But if it's
someone new, it's like, I have to meet you. I
have to get to know you a little bit on the vanilla
side. I'm not going to just meet with you in
private because also safety. And we're just going
to still talk through the form. I'm just using
it as a guide. Like if you say, okay, like for
example, If I ask you, what's your favorite toys?
And you say, I like floggers. It's like, okay,
do you like stingy floggers? Do you like dirty
floggers? I don't know that. when I come play
with you, I should bring this toy, this toy,
and that toy versus lugging everything around.
Because I used to, oh my God, I used to lug everything
around because I like to use many different things.
And now I try to, actually I had a house fire
about six months ago and I lost my whole kit.
And when I tell y 'all, that stuff is expensive.
That stuff is expensive. I had like five grand
worth of stuff. So it's like rebuilding it up.
is making me think, okay, now what did I like,
what brought, what toys brought me joy the most?
And what stuff did I just impulse by? So it's
like, I don't foresee myself carrying all that
stuff around all the time anymore. So. now that
I'm rebuilding, it's like, okay, if you like
this, this, and that, I don't need to bring a
stinky toy, because you don't like stinky. That's
just a waste of space. So we talk about that,
we talk about boundaries, and I offer people
the space to be open, because like I said, I'm
a therapist, so there's nothing I haven't heard
already. I tell this to people in kink and in
my day job, like, there is nothing that I have
not heard, so I'm not here to judge you. I'll
just say, okay, if they said that they like,
because I don't do littles, I don't do like people.
like to portray themselves as younger than what
they are. Like they want me to be their mommy
or I'm not really into that. So I'll tell them
like you don't have to be ashamed with like it's
an age regress and play with toys and have someone
treat you like a baby. It's just not something
I do. It's not something I offer so I'll say
but I know this person likes this if you know,
there's somebody I think they're compatible with
or something I'm like, yeah, it's not really
my thing So I offer them that space but I don't
embarrass people for liking what they like and
I did touch on also like safe words and safety
signals and a safe word That's the name of my
podcast. It's the Safe Word Podcast with Mystique
and Mr. Everlasting. And safe words are just
pre -agreed words that you decide to use that's
gonna stop the scene completely. Because a lot
of the times when you're in that space, stop.
It's not gonna, or no is not always gonna be
a good word because some people are saying no
when they mean yes and they're getting into it.
So you use a word that is totally unrelated to
like the yes or no. So you know that, okay, like
some people use the word like, like Jackrabbit
or they'll say like, I think, what's Kevin Hart
was saying? Pineapple, stuff like that. Like
they'll pick a word and they know when their
partner says that word, they are done. But a
lot of people will use, the traffic light system
especially when they're doing pickup play playing
with somebody for the first time and the traffic
light system is something that's uh that's universally
known because red when they call red that means
stop completely yellow means you know i'm kind
of getting there to my point but you can keep
going Red I mean green means you're good to go
and some people like do nonverbal signals They'll
be like tap tap tap three times when they want
to stop Tap two times when I used to be a submissive
like and I didn't want to talk because I like
to be in my space I would thumbs up with thumbs
down like I would just give a thumbs up with
thumbs down because I didn't want to talk so
It all goes back to those conversations that
you have with the person when you first start
playing to decide what guidelines you're gonna
use for safety signals and safe words and all
of that. And also, another thing is with consent.
consent outside the scene like consent in like
dungeon spaces or consent in like play spaces
like you're not just gonna go up and interrupt
somebody's scene or walk in the middle of it
or be rude like when you're in a crowd like I
go to this con and it's like a big crowded dungeon
and I'm not gonna just be like well I want to
walk here and I'm just gonna walk through somebody's
scene like that's rude you have to respect other
people's playing and voyeurism you can most spaces
people are okay with you watching but voyeurism
is a quiet sport which means you watch and be
quiet some people like me depending on some of
my friends like with some of my friends I may
heckle I mean but it depends on the person and
if you know them so like somebody may see me
watching one of my friends do a scene and heckling
them but you can't come up and heckle it's like
they're used to me heckling and talking my shit
but can I say shit? And talking my shit, but
you can't just walk up and do that and you don't
go and touch people's stuff because people's
items in their kink bags are an extension of
them. So you're not gonna go and touch somebody's
belongings. when they're laying out on the table,
you should always ask because also you don't
know where something is being. So like if somebody's
toy is laying there, they could have just pulled
it out somebody. Now you got somebody's inner
juices on your hands because you're touching
their toys. So always remember consent is sexy.
Ask, ask questions because it's better to be
told no than to be told get your ass out my face.
Yeah, definitely. And we just talked a lot about
boundaries before and during scenes. So We never
did explain what a scene is, so what is a scene,
Zee? A scene is just, it's another word for an
act of some kind of kink or beauty at some point.
That's just what a scene is. When they say we're
doing a scene, it means we're having some play
that has a beginning, a middle, and an end, just
like when you're watching a movie. They call
it a scene because just like when you're watching
a movie, there's a beginning, there's a warm
-up, and then as you go up, you hit that high
point, and then there's that come down. or that
drop. So it's just like the like you watching
a movie scene. There's the beginning, the height
of the action and the ending. I love that. And
we did just talk a lot. So I want to recap that
section for everybody. So we talked a lot about
consent culture and safe, sane, consensual and
risk aware consensual kink. And then consent
as an enthusiastic, ongoing, revisitable thing.
And then we also talked about how before a scene,
it's good to discuss desires, limits, physical
and mental health needs, triggers and aftercare
preferences. And it's also good to have maybe
written or verbal negotiation tools for those.
And then safe words are important. And a lot
of people either develop their own safe words
to stop a scene or have a traffic system that
is like red, yellow, or green. All right. Well,
that's all the time we have for today's episode.
We will continue this conversation on our next
episode of Prep and Play. See you next time.