WEBVTT 00:00:00.040 --> 00:00:03.240 Welcome to Prep and Play, where we have conversations 00:00:03.240 --> 00:00:06.480 about safer sexual pleasure. This podcast is 00:00:06.480 --> 00:00:09.080 dedicated to empowering listeners through open, 00:00:09.339 --> 00:00:11.679 honest discussions surrounding keeping our minds, 00:00:11.900 --> 00:00:14.779 bodies, and spirits healthy while being sexually 00:00:14.779 --> 00:00:19.679 active. My name is Danielle, and I'm the Rural 00:00:19.679 --> 00:00:22.059 Outreach Specialist at AIDS Alabama South. And 00:00:22.059 --> 00:00:26.079 today I have with me Hi, my name is Zee. I also 00:00:26.079 --> 00:00:29.879 go by Mystique and I am a kink and BDSM educator. 00:00:30.300 --> 00:00:34.679 I've been on the education side about, I've been 00:00:34.679 --> 00:00:37.740 doing it like super seriously maybe the last 00:00:37.740 --> 00:00:40.539 two years, but I've been helping educate maybe 00:00:40.539 --> 00:00:42.820 for the last five years ever since I started 00:00:42.820 --> 00:00:46.820 a podcast with a friend of mine back in 2020. 00:00:47.280 --> 00:00:51.000 And what we do is we focus on educating Black 00:00:51.000 --> 00:00:55.039 and other people of color. about kink, BDSM, 00:00:55.100 --> 00:00:58.320 and other alternative lifestyles. And what drew 00:00:58.320 --> 00:01:01.520 me to kink education and sexual education overall 00:01:01.520 --> 00:01:05.659 is my day job is a therapist, so... I'm always 00:01:05.659 --> 00:01:08.840 educating people about their mental health. So 00:01:08.840 --> 00:01:11.840 I just love educating people, having people do 00:01:11.840 --> 00:01:13.340 things, you know, teaching them how to do things 00:01:13.340 --> 00:01:16.219 safely, teaching them that nothing is wrong with 00:01:16.219 --> 00:01:19.079 them, helping destigmatize because I didn't have 00:01:19.079 --> 00:01:22.040 that education when I was younger. I was told 00:01:22.040 --> 00:01:24.980 when I had questions to go read a book, my mom 00:01:24.980 --> 00:01:26.620 would always say, go read a book, go look it 00:01:26.620 --> 00:01:28.560 up. And that just gave me an obsession with sex 00:01:28.560 --> 00:01:31.219 education, King education. I just wanted to know 00:01:31.219 --> 00:01:33.400 more and more and more. So that's kind of what 00:01:33.400 --> 00:01:35.700 led me into. because a lot of people, especially 00:01:35.700 --> 00:01:38.640 in the black community, have a lot of shame surrounding 00:01:38.640 --> 00:01:41.200 this topic. So I want to be that person and be 00:01:41.200 --> 00:01:43.500 that voice and tell them, it's okay, come learn, 00:01:43.599 --> 00:01:46.769 it's safe here. I love that. And I'm also probably 00:01:46.769 --> 00:01:48.709 going to ask you to come back for my mental health 00:01:48.709 --> 00:01:51.750 and sexuality episode. Oh, yay. I would love 00:01:51.750 --> 00:01:54.129 that. Yeah. So since we have Z with us today, 00:01:54.189 --> 00:01:56.790 we're going to be exploring BDSM and kink not 00:01:56.790 --> 00:01:59.150 as something taboo, but as a set of practices 00:01:59.150 --> 00:02:01.750 rooted in communication, consent, creativity 00:02:01.750 --> 00:02:04.989 and community. And we do want to emphasize inclusivity 00:02:04.989 --> 00:02:08.310 in this conversation. Kink exists across identities, 00:02:08.669 --> 00:02:12.120 backgrounds and bodies. So to start off. What 00:02:12.120 --> 00:02:15.539 is BDSM? What do those letters stand for? What 00:02:15.539 --> 00:02:19.960 BDSM stands for is bondage, discipline, and sadomasochism. 00:02:20.099 --> 00:02:24.039 Some people will say bondage, dominance, submission, 00:02:24.139 --> 00:02:26.060 and masochism. It depends on who you ask, but 00:02:26.060 --> 00:02:28.800 I've always known it as bondage, discipline, 00:02:28.879 --> 00:02:31.340 and sadomasochism. And what it stands for is 00:02:31.340 --> 00:02:34.020 just some of the core areas of kink being bondage, 00:02:34.080 --> 00:02:37.080 you know, that's using restraints and, you know, 00:02:37.159 --> 00:02:39.689 like I said, tying people up. cuffing people 00:02:39.689 --> 00:02:43.129 up. Discipline is just having rules to, you know, 00:02:43.370 --> 00:02:47.870 create that erotic or that consensual control. 00:02:48.150 --> 00:02:50.349 We always talk about consent is sexy. That's 00:02:50.349 --> 00:02:52.150 gonna be one of my big things we talk about in 00:02:52.150 --> 00:02:56.990 our podcast. Consent is sexy. So it's about, 00:02:57.110 --> 00:02:59.189 you know, when you hear the word discipline, 00:02:59.770 --> 00:03:02.330 people look at it in a negative term. They're 00:03:02.330 --> 00:03:04.620 like, thinking about when they were young and 00:03:04.620 --> 00:03:06.439 their parents like, I'm gonna rule you with an 00:03:06.439 --> 00:03:09.379 iron fist. But what the discipline is, it's just 00:03:09.379 --> 00:03:12.240 two adults deciding that one person is gonna 00:03:12.240 --> 00:03:15.000 take the dominant role. And with that dominant 00:03:15.000 --> 00:03:17.300 role, we'll get into that a little bit later 00:03:17.300 --> 00:03:20.120 on when a dominant or submissive is. But you 00:03:20.120 --> 00:03:23.539 just taking that. that dominant role, creating 00:03:23.539 --> 00:03:25.259 these are the boundaries, these are what we gonna 00:03:25.259 --> 00:03:27.280 follow, and the submissive is the person who 00:03:27.280 --> 00:03:29.759 follows, even though they don't really follow, 00:03:30.020 --> 00:03:32.539 because the submissive leads as much as the dom 00:03:32.539 --> 00:03:36.419 leads. A lot of people don't realize that. And 00:03:36.419 --> 00:03:40.259 sadism is people who like to inflict pain, like 00:03:40.259 --> 00:03:44.500 to inflict that heaviness to, and masochism is 00:03:44.500 --> 00:03:46.719 people who like to receive that pain. So that's 00:03:46.719 --> 00:03:49.800 what BDSM stands for. Awesome, great explanation. 00:03:50.280 --> 00:03:53.849 And then Kink as well. So we like to talk about 00:03:53.849 --> 00:03:55.969 kink and BDSM. So what's the difference there? 00:03:56.370 --> 00:04:00.810 So kink is just any non -traditional erotic interest. 00:04:01.229 --> 00:04:04.150 It's the difference. A lot of people will mix 00:04:04.150 --> 00:04:06.949 up kink and fetish. A fetish is something you 00:04:06.949 --> 00:04:09.409 need to have sex, and a kink is something you 00:04:09.409 --> 00:04:13.169 just like when you have sex. Like I'll say, my 00:04:13.169 --> 00:04:16.970 husband, he has a belly fetish, which means he 00:04:16.970 --> 00:04:20.350 only... dates plus size women, which means that 00:04:20.350 --> 00:04:22.149 if they don't got a belly, he can't date them. 00:04:22.509 --> 00:04:25.430 Whereas a kink is like, I like to see men in 00:04:25.430 --> 00:04:28.410 boots. It's not something like he has to wear 00:04:28.410 --> 00:04:30.850 a pair of boots anytime we have sex, but it's 00:04:30.850 --> 00:04:33.410 like something about a man in boots is like really 00:04:33.410 --> 00:04:35.689 sexy to me. And also I like to wear boots, so, 00:04:35.870 --> 00:04:38.910 cause I like to step on people. So I have a boot 00:04:38.910 --> 00:04:41.610 kink, but it's not a fetish cause the boots aren't 00:04:41.610 --> 00:04:45.730 needed. And BDSM is just a specific set of practices 00:04:45.730 --> 00:04:49.579 involved the negotiated roles, the power, or 00:04:49.579 --> 00:04:53.120 the sensation. Awesome, awesome. And speaking 00:04:53.120 --> 00:04:55.199 of those roles, let's talk a little bit about 00:04:55.199 --> 00:04:57.459 different types of dynamics. So you got into 00:04:57.459 --> 00:05:00.620 a little bit of DS, dominant submissive dynamics. 00:05:00.680 --> 00:05:02.300 Do you want to talk a little bit more about that? 00:05:02.680 --> 00:05:05.740 So DS dynamics are just power exchange dynamics 00:05:05.740 --> 00:05:09.480 where one person takes on that top role where 00:05:09.480 --> 00:05:11.800 the top is the person who's given the action 00:05:11.800 --> 00:05:15.220 or the bottom role and the bottom is the person 00:05:15.220 --> 00:05:18.759 who receives it. And the dominants and the submissives 00:05:18.759 --> 00:05:22.000 exchange power. They can overlap sometimes, but 00:05:22.000 --> 00:05:24.339 they aren't the same. Because usually, like I 00:05:24.339 --> 00:05:27.699 said, the dominant is the person who is given 00:05:27.699 --> 00:05:31.220 the punishment, they're given the orders. A dominant 00:05:31.220 --> 00:05:33.740 person is the person who takes the lead and makes 00:05:33.740 --> 00:05:36.600 the decisions while the submissive person, you 00:05:36.600 --> 00:05:39.740 know, they will willingly yields the control 00:05:39.740 --> 00:05:42.720 and takes a more supporting role. Now, there 00:05:42.720 --> 00:05:44.899 are things called, like I'll just touch on, it's 00:05:44.899 --> 00:05:47.139 called total power exchange and in total power 00:05:47.139 --> 00:05:49.819 exchange, that is when one person, people like 00:05:49.819 --> 00:05:53.589 to call it master slave dynamic. really into 00:05:53.589 --> 00:05:55.569 the whole master slave, you know, I don't like, 00:05:55.689 --> 00:05:58.470 I'm not gonna call nobody master or anything 00:05:58.470 --> 00:06:01.149 like that, like even when people go by the name, 00:06:01.189 --> 00:06:03.750 cause some people, their kink name would be master 00:06:03.750 --> 00:06:05.569 this. And it's like, I just, I can't, I have 00:06:05.569 --> 00:06:08.050 to call you something else or like I'll, like 00:06:08.050 --> 00:06:11.029 if your name is master water, I'll call you like 00:06:11.029 --> 00:06:14.350 MW or something. I just can't call people master. 00:06:14.490 --> 00:06:17.990 But with that, the slave is like a master and 00:06:17.990 --> 00:06:20.310 slave dynamic where this person has given full 00:06:20.310 --> 00:06:23.810 control over their life. full control over everything 00:06:23.810 --> 00:06:26.170 to that person and some of them will live in 00:06:26.170 --> 00:06:28.709 a 24 -7 dynamic which means they live together, 00:06:28.910 --> 00:06:31.269 they have the dynamic, they live together and 00:06:31.269 --> 00:06:34.649 every... sect of their lives and household is 00:06:34.649 --> 00:06:36.569 controlled by this dynamic. Like some people 00:06:36.569 --> 00:06:38.209 all see what they'll have. Well, you have to 00:06:38.209 --> 00:06:40.970 keep my house clean. You have to dress up. You 00:06:40.970 --> 00:06:43.250 have to make sure food is cooked. And there is 00:06:43.250 --> 00:06:46.290 still consent in these roles because people will 00:06:46.290 --> 00:06:47.949 get together. They'll talk about it. They'll 00:06:47.949 --> 00:06:49.629 talk about their boundaries. They'll talk about 00:06:49.629 --> 00:06:52.910 their hard limits, which is things that are completely 00:06:52.910 --> 00:06:55.930 off the table no matter what. Because like meet 00:06:55.930 --> 00:06:58.990 race play, which is play to do with race is completely 00:06:58.990 --> 00:07:01.089 off the limit. There is no amount of money you 00:07:01.089 --> 00:07:04.480 can pay me to do race play and like a soft limit 00:07:04.480 --> 00:07:07.899 would be something that I'm open to it I don't 00:07:07.899 --> 00:07:11.399 know if I would do it or not but in the right 00:07:11.399 --> 00:07:14.899 situation I would like me sounding which is you 00:07:14.899 --> 00:07:17.240 read the play we're not even gonna go into that 00:07:17.240 --> 00:07:19.800 right now but that's something it's a soft limit 00:07:19.800 --> 00:07:23.220 for me it's like would I sound somebody probably 00:07:23.220 --> 00:07:26.259 once I'm still educating myself on it but it's 00:07:26.259 --> 00:07:30.339 also something that I'm like And then with, I 00:07:30.339 --> 00:07:32.600 forgot, let me go back a little bit with the 00:07:32.600 --> 00:07:35.000 dom and sub, you might think, okay, what if I'm 00:07:35.000 --> 00:07:37.339 in the middle? And that's somebody who's a switch. 00:07:37.420 --> 00:07:40.339 That's somebody who likes to give and receive. 00:07:40.540 --> 00:07:42.879 Cause when I started my kink journey, I was more 00:07:42.879 --> 00:07:45.560 of a switch, but I've since evolved more into 00:07:45.560 --> 00:07:48.779 a dominant person who enjoys bottoming from time 00:07:48.779 --> 00:07:52.120 to time. But mostly I identify as a dominant. 00:07:52.420 --> 00:07:55.500 That was such a great explanation. So can we 00:07:55.500 --> 00:07:58.800 talk a little bit more about some styles of diner? 00:07:58.639 --> 00:08:01.750 as far as like. play partners, lifestyle partners, 00:08:01.949 --> 00:08:04.230 romantic partners? Is this something you can 00:08:04.230 --> 00:08:08.930 expound on? So with play partners, they mostly 00:08:08.930 --> 00:08:10.769 are like people who just play together. They 00:08:10.769 --> 00:08:13.529 might be like, okay, when we see each other, 00:08:13.649 --> 00:08:15.589 we'll play together, but there's nothing like 00:08:15.589 --> 00:08:17.470 serious, there's nothing like contractual. It's 00:08:17.470 --> 00:08:20.149 just like, I have friends, like, cause I only 00:08:20.149 --> 00:08:22.629 will bottom for certain people. So it's like 00:08:22.629 --> 00:08:24.649 one of my really good friends, I'll bottom for 00:08:24.649 --> 00:08:27.290 him. Cause he, cause I am, I have a really high 00:08:27.290 --> 00:08:30.300 pain tolerance and he does, So he likes to punch 00:08:30.300 --> 00:08:32.600 me in the ass like really hard because I just 00:08:32.600 --> 00:08:35.419 let him because it's relaxing to me So me and 00:08:35.419 --> 00:08:38.519 him are more of play partners, but then you have 00:08:38.519 --> 00:08:41.039 lifestyle partners and with his lifestyle partners 00:08:41.039 --> 00:08:44.460 they're integrating that BDSM into the daily 00:08:44.460 --> 00:08:48.059 lives and Romantic partners are just people who 00:08:48.059 --> 00:08:49.840 are dating. It's just like regular boyfriend 00:08:49.840 --> 00:08:52.320 and girlfriend and there are some people who 00:08:52.320 --> 00:08:56.100 may be BDSM partners and romantic partners like 00:08:56.100 --> 00:08:59.039 me and my husband. I'm the dominant and he's 00:08:59.039 --> 00:09:02.659 a switchy submissive. But we're also married, 00:09:02.799 --> 00:09:05.820 so our married relationship is different from 00:09:05.820 --> 00:09:08.919 our BDSM relationship because there's things 00:09:08.919 --> 00:09:11.960 in marriage that we have that we don't want to 00:09:11.960 --> 00:09:15.789 bleed over into the BDSM. Cause like if I put 00:09:15.789 --> 00:09:18.909 him across my lip and spank him, like forgiving 00:09:18.909 --> 00:09:22.870 me lip if we're doing BDSM play, if we're having 00:09:22.870 --> 00:09:25.289 an argument about the light bill, I'm not gonna 00:09:25.289 --> 00:09:29.149 be like, I'ma spank you. So we try to keep those 00:09:29.149 --> 00:09:32.309 things separately. And I also want to say that 00:09:32.309 --> 00:09:37.259 all dynamics are valid. Whether you are a, Mommy 00:09:37.259 --> 00:09:40.759 Dom, Daddy Dom, and a little, or a caregiver 00:09:40.759 --> 00:09:42.840 and a little, which is a little is just someone 00:09:42.840 --> 00:09:46.519 who enjoys like age play regression, all of that. 00:09:46.809 --> 00:09:49.809 or if you are a dominant and a submissive or 00:09:49.809 --> 00:09:53.129 you a master and a slave or you a rope top and 00:09:53.129 --> 00:09:56.730 a rope bunny all dynamics are valid as long as 00:09:56.730 --> 00:09:59.649 you are practicing and we're going to get into 00:09:59.649 --> 00:10:03.970 this next is you're practicing some form of safety 00:10:03.970 --> 00:10:08.909 and there are a lot now the acronyms have changed 00:10:08.909 --> 00:10:13.509 throughout the years. Like, people will say this, 00:10:13.570 --> 00:10:16.450 and you ask people, they like, so, what do you 00:10:16.450 --> 00:10:20.409 practice? Like, what kind of safety, what is 00:10:20.409 --> 00:10:23.090 your safety practice? And two of the biggest 00:10:23.090 --> 00:10:26.490 ones that I've seen in the lifestyle are safe, 00:10:26.710 --> 00:10:30.110 sane, and consensual, which is SSC. And that 00:10:30.110 --> 00:10:33.070 just means that what you do is you're doing it 00:10:33.070 --> 00:10:37.090 safely, everybody is in the same mind, and everybody, 00:10:37.129 --> 00:10:40.389 is consenting to what's going on. But a lot of 00:10:40.389 --> 00:10:43.190 people will push back on safe saying and consensual 00:10:43.190 --> 00:10:46.269 because they're like, who decides who's saying 00:10:46.269 --> 00:10:48.529 or not? Because some people will be like, you 00:10:48.529 --> 00:10:50.769 should never drink when you kink and I don't 00:10:50.769 --> 00:10:52.730 believe in drinking or being under the influence 00:10:52.730 --> 00:10:55.429 when they kink. But some people are like, I just 00:10:55.429 --> 00:10:58.690 need one drink to loosen me up. That's their 00:10:58.690 --> 00:11:01.990 idea of saying is one drink. My idea of saying 00:11:01.990 --> 00:11:05.929 is no drink. So that's where that is a little 00:11:05.929 --> 00:11:08.590 shaky. is between people in the community. And 00:11:08.590 --> 00:11:10.889 I've also heard a little bit of a pushback against 00:11:10.889 --> 00:11:14.149 the concept of safe in that scenario because 00:11:14.149 --> 00:11:17.259 like what is truly safe when we are. engaging 00:11:17.259 --> 00:11:20.000 in those power dynamics. And honestly, what is 00:11:20.000 --> 00:11:21.639 truly safe when we're having sex in general? 00:11:21.679 --> 00:11:25.220 There's always some amount of risk. Exactly. 00:11:25.779 --> 00:11:28.299 That is so true. A lot of people, that's what 00:11:28.299 --> 00:11:31.519 goes into the risk aware consensual kink, because 00:11:31.519 --> 00:11:33.379 it's risk aware. It's like, you know what you're 00:11:33.379 --> 00:11:36.240 doing is risk. You know the risks of it, but 00:11:36.240 --> 00:11:39.100 you're still deciding to consent to this. But 00:11:39.100 --> 00:11:43.600 just like with SSC, with rec, people will have 00:11:43.600 --> 00:11:46.240 different ideas of what a risk profile is. an 00:11:46.240 --> 00:11:47.940 argument that has been used in the community 00:11:47.940 --> 00:11:50.779 because it's like I don't think this is a risk 00:11:50.779 --> 00:11:52.519 profile but then this person thinks that this 00:11:52.519 --> 00:11:54.779 is risky another person doesn't think is risky 00:11:54.779 --> 00:11:58.320 so it all goes back to communication and talking 00:11:58.320 --> 00:12:01.019 to the person who you're gonna play with about 00:12:01.019 --> 00:12:04.019 what style you want to use going through the 00:12:04.019 --> 00:12:06.139 safety precautions, what you're gonna do, talking 00:12:06.139 --> 00:12:08.179 it out. You should never just jump into something 00:12:08.179 --> 00:12:10.899 with somebody without at least having a conversation 00:12:10.899 --> 00:12:13.740 to guide what you're gonna do. And another one 00:12:13.740 --> 00:12:17.539 I'm gonna say is, this is one I use, is, I can't 00:12:17.539 --> 00:12:19.659 remember the acronym, it's too long, but it's 00:12:19.659 --> 00:12:23.620 like, your kink is not my kink, but your kink 00:12:23.620 --> 00:12:26.320 is okay. Which basically, when I tell somebody 00:12:26.320 --> 00:12:29.210 your kink, is not my kink, but your kink is okay. 00:12:29.490 --> 00:12:32.750 It means like, yeah, I ain't finna do it. But 00:12:32.750 --> 00:12:35.350 if you wanna do it, you know, have at it, live 00:12:35.350 --> 00:12:37.230 your life, but it's just not nothing I wanna 00:12:37.230 --> 00:12:40.289 do. So that's another one. I love that it goes 00:12:40.289 --> 00:12:43.090 into that don't yuck my yum type vibe. Yeah, 00:12:43.090 --> 00:12:46.149 I will never kink shame, but I will kink ask 00:12:46.149 --> 00:12:50.129 why. I will kink side eye, I will kink question, 00:12:50.549 --> 00:12:53.269 but I will never kink shame. Y 'all be like, 00:12:53.730 --> 00:12:56.779 you know. Have at it, I'm not one to judge nobody. 00:12:56.919 --> 00:12:59.100 I have definitely heard some things that made 00:12:59.100 --> 00:13:01.779 me kink side eyes, so I really like that. It's 00:13:01.779 --> 00:13:03.960 a lot of stuff that I'm not gonna judge people 00:13:03.960 --> 00:13:06.519 because as long as you know, people will see 00:13:06.519 --> 00:13:08.600 it as, you know, as long as the bottom line is 00:13:08.600 --> 00:13:11.220 two consenting adults, which is true. So even 00:13:11.220 --> 00:13:14.039 when it's two consenting adults, I'm like, yeah, 00:13:14.120 --> 00:13:16.919 okay, you know, if you like it, I can tolerate 00:13:16.919 --> 00:13:21.519 it, so. But just remember that consent is ongoing, 00:13:21.639 --> 00:13:24.340 it should be enthusiastic, and you should be 00:13:24.340 --> 00:13:27.539 able to revisit those boundaries at any time. 00:13:27.799 --> 00:13:31.440 So if you say, okay, I'd like you to tie my hands 00:13:31.440 --> 00:13:34.480 behind my back and not let me loose, but then 00:13:34.480 --> 00:13:36.700 you decide, okay, I don't want my hands tied 00:13:36.700 --> 00:13:38.519 behind my back anymore, I just want my hands 00:13:38.519 --> 00:13:40.919 tied to my front, you should be able to revisit 00:13:40.919 --> 00:13:42.940 that conversation and tell the person you're 00:13:42.940 --> 00:13:44.980 playing with, I don't want to do this anymore, 00:13:45.159 --> 00:13:48.059 can we change it? And learn what enthusiasm, 00:13:47.919 --> 00:13:51.659 is wearing people down or heavily convincing 00:13:51.659 --> 00:13:54.460 someone to do something is not enthusiastic consent. 00:13:54.919 --> 00:13:56.759 If you ask somebody to do something, they're 00:13:56.759 --> 00:14:00.039 like, yeah, whatever, sure. That's not enthusiastic. 00:14:00.200 --> 00:14:02.139 But they were like, yes, I want to do it. Let's 00:14:02.139 --> 00:14:05.080 talk about it. That is enthusiastic consent. 00:14:06.000 --> 00:14:10.259 Yes. Consent is sexy. Enthusiastic consent. And 00:14:10.259 --> 00:14:12.779 so you mentioned a lot about those conversations 00:14:12.779 --> 00:14:15.500 and boundaries. So what would that look like 00:14:15.500 --> 00:14:18.960 in the context of a BDSM dynamic? See, because 00:14:18.960 --> 00:14:22.240 of my day job, and I know you're familiar with 00:14:22.240 --> 00:14:26.240 it, the biopsychosocial evaluation, I kind of 00:14:26.240 --> 00:14:29.320 have the, it's gonna sound funny, I have. I have 00:14:29.320 --> 00:14:32.440 a form. When someone wants me, and I can show 00:14:32.440 --> 00:14:34.179 it to you later, when someone wants to play with 00:14:34.179 --> 00:14:37.679 me or wants to be my bottom or wants to sing 00:14:37.679 --> 00:14:40.879 with me, I have a form that I tell them, okay, 00:14:41.279 --> 00:14:44.580 I took the time to create this form. And I'm 00:14:44.580 --> 00:14:47.600 like, okay, fill out my form and let me know. 00:14:48.159 --> 00:14:50.840 Because I'm kind of neurodivergent and because 00:14:50.840 --> 00:14:54.259 I have so much going on, it's hard for me to 00:14:54.259 --> 00:14:58.019 remember a lot of details when it comes to conversations. 00:14:58.639 --> 00:15:01.659 So I do that to make it easier, so I'll know, 00:15:02.100 --> 00:15:04.580 okay, this person wants to play with me, they're 00:15:04.580 --> 00:15:07.500 interested in this, they don't like this, they 00:15:07.500 --> 00:15:09.500 want this, they're okay with this. Like, the 00:15:09.500 --> 00:15:11.700 questions on my form are, do you have any medical 00:15:11.700 --> 00:15:14.379 issues, because certain people with certain medical 00:15:14.379 --> 00:15:16.100 issues, you have to play a different way. Like, 00:15:16.100 --> 00:15:19.220 I know somebody's diabetic, I would be careful 00:15:19.220 --> 00:15:21.480 about breaking skin, because, you know, people 00:15:21.480 --> 00:15:24.259 who are diabetic heal slower. Or if somebody 00:15:24.259 --> 00:15:27.080 has, like, necrosis in their shoulders or something, 00:15:27.440 --> 00:15:29.559 I'll... have to look up okay if you want to be 00:15:29.559 --> 00:15:31.919 restrained what's the safest way to restrain 00:15:31.919 --> 00:15:35.299 you also of course I ask about mental health 00:15:35.299 --> 00:15:37.919 what kind of mental issues are you working through 00:15:37.919 --> 00:15:41.799 do you have any kind of PTSD depression bipolar 00:15:41.799 --> 00:15:44.240 disorder because if you have bipolar disorder 00:15:44.240 --> 00:15:45.860 I'm not gonna play with you when you're manic 00:15:45.860 --> 00:15:49.659 because I don't feel like personally to me now 00:15:49.659 --> 00:15:52.649 some people may feel differently your judgment 00:15:52.649 --> 00:15:55.610 is clouded when you're manic. So if you're manic, 00:15:55.629 --> 00:15:57.450 I wouldn't want to play with you because I would 00:15:57.450 --> 00:15:59.789 want you to be able to because I believe in saying 00:15:59.789 --> 00:16:01.850 safe and consensual. So if I feel like you're 00:16:01.850 --> 00:16:04.250 too manic to play, I'm not going to do that. 00:16:04.409 --> 00:16:07.190 And also with PTSD, people have certain triggers. 00:16:07.210 --> 00:16:09.470 So we have to work through, okay, are you triggered 00:16:09.470 --> 00:16:11.649 by the sound of this item? I've seen people who 00:16:11.649 --> 00:16:13.389 are triggered by belts and some people like to 00:16:13.389 --> 00:16:15.429 play with belts or like when somebody does that, 00:16:15.769 --> 00:16:18.889 it triggers them back to their trauma. So I feel 00:16:18.889 --> 00:16:21.509 like mental health and can't go. hand in hand 00:16:21.509 --> 00:16:24.490 because a lot of people, they will, you know, 00:16:24.669 --> 00:16:28.529 use, I won't say that kink should be used as 00:16:28.529 --> 00:16:31.169 a tool for your mental health, but some people 00:16:31.169 --> 00:16:33.509 are able to face those situations they've been 00:16:33.509 --> 00:16:37.610 in by being in certain kink scenarios. So that's 00:16:37.610 --> 00:16:40.149 what I do. I talk to the person and I tell them, 00:16:40.269 --> 00:16:42.870 okay, you fill out my form. And once they fill 00:16:42.870 --> 00:16:46.460 out my form, I will talk to them about what they 00:16:46.460 --> 00:16:48.860 put on the form and be like, okay, so I have 00:16:48.860 --> 00:16:51.399 a little box that says you have any other questions 00:16:51.399 --> 00:16:54.200 for me. I'll be like, okay, so I do just like 00:16:54.200 --> 00:16:57.679 I'm at work. Like, okay. Intake evaluation. Yes, 00:16:57.899 --> 00:17:00.799 it literally has intake form on the top of it. 00:17:00.799 --> 00:17:03.360 It literally has intake form on the top of it. 00:17:04.180 --> 00:17:07.299 So I'll be like, okay, here's my form. Let me 00:17:07.299 --> 00:17:10.480 see if I can pull it up for you sure. Like this 00:17:10.480 --> 00:17:15.279 is my form. and I'll ask them home. I love that. 00:17:15.400 --> 00:17:18.220 But I've also heard a lot about neurodivergence 00:17:18.220 --> 00:17:21.200 and kink and how well those go together. Can 00:17:21.200 --> 00:17:23.720 I read some of these questions? Sure. Okay, so, 00:17:23.819 --> 00:17:26.559 you know, it starts off with name, lifestyle 00:17:26.559 --> 00:17:29.700 name and preferred pronouns, current relationship 00:17:29.700 --> 00:17:32.059 status. What are you looking for, like long term 00:17:32.059 --> 00:17:35.319 play, scenes, dynamic? What can you offer as 00:17:35.319 --> 00:17:37.460 a submissive? Things that are off the table, 00:17:37.660 --> 00:17:40.569 like triggers and limits. This one I love. What 00:17:40.569 --> 00:17:43.069 does aftercare look like for you? What are you 00:17:43.069 --> 00:17:45.930 looking to gain from a scene? What safe word 00:17:45.930 --> 00:17:49.450 and or system do you prefer? Do you have any 00:17:49.450 --> 00:17:52.309 injuries or medical conditions I need to know 00:17:52.309 --> 00:17:57.150 about? Favorite kind of toys? What type of play 00:17:57.150 --> 00:18:00.009 style do you prefer? Serious, funny, instructional? 00:18:01.450 --> 00:18:07.839 Types of impact? Where can I hit? What are your 00:18:07.839 --> 00:18:12.920 kinks and fetishes? Ooh, any sexual fantasies? 00:18:13.180 --> 00:18:16.200 Do you have any unexplored kinks and fetishes? 00:18:17.319 --> 00:18:21.789 I love that. thank you is I had some friends 00:18:21.789 --> 00:18:24.230 they did forums too so we kind of bounced questions 00:18:24.230 --> 00:18:26.390 off each other and was like oh I didn't think 00:18:26.390 --> 00:18:28.230 of this question oh you didn't think of this 00:18:28.230 --> 00:18:29.990 question I thought of this question I try to 00:18:29.990 --> 00:18:31.730 hit everything because I don't like to leave 00:18:31.730 --> 00:18:35.490 room for guesswork because as a dominant or person 00:18:35.490 --> 00:18:38.750 at the top someone is being put into a very vulnerable 00:18:38.750 --> 00:18:41.150 position when they're being submissive so I want 00:18:41.150 --> 00:18:43.529 to make sure that I am creating the best environment 00:18:43.529 --> 00:18:46.710 where all can feel comfortable so after we go 00:18:46.710 --> 00:18:48.799 through that I may ask questions like okay So 00:18:48.799 --> 00:18:51.779 how do you want to start? Because I require, 00:18:52.180 --> 00:18:54.420 especially if it's somebody I don't know. Like 00:18:54.420 --> 00:18:56.460 if I'm at like a con or something, that's kind 00:18:56.460 --> 00:18:58.740 of different because we're all there for the 00:18:58.740 --> 00:19:00.420 same thing. But like if someone reaches out to 00:19:00.420 --> 00:19:02.940 me and like, okay, I want to play, I require 00:19:02.940 --> 00:19:04.819 two in -person meetings. Like I need to meet 00:19:04.819 --> 00:19:06.460 you, get to know you in public. I'm not just 00:19:06.460 --> 00:19:09.019 going to meet you up unless it's somebody I know. 00:19:09.279 --> 00:19:12.000 Like if... because I'm in certain kink organizations. 00:19:12.440 --> 00:19:14.500 So if it's somebody that's in the organization 00:19:14.500 --> 00:19:16.319 who I already know, it's like, okay, I don't 00:19:16.319 --> 00:19:17.740 really have to do that with you. But if it's 00:19:17.740 --> 00:19:19.740 someone new, it's like, I have to meet you. I 00:19:19.740 --> 00:19:22.339 have to get to know you a little bit on the vanilla 00:19:22.339 --> 00:19:24.940 side. I'm not going to just meet with you in 00:19:24.940 --> 00:19:28.140 private because also safety. And we're just going 00:19:28.140 --> 00:19:30.720 to still talk through the form. I'm just using 00:19:30.720 --> 00:19:34.460 it as a guide. Like if you say, okay, like for 00:19:34.460 --> 00:19:37.279 example, If I ask you, what's your favorite toys? 00:19:37.420 --> 00:19:39.519 And you say, I like floggers. It's like, okay, 00:19:39.759 --> 00:19:41.680 do you like stingy floggers? Do you like dirty 00:19:41.680 --> 00:19:44.359 floggers? I don't know that. when I come play 00:19:44.359 --> 00:19:46.099 with you, I should bring this toy, this toy, 00:19:46.160 --> 00:19:49.279 and that toy versus lugging everything around. 00:19:49.339 --> 00:19:52.079 Because I used to, oh my God, I used to lug everything 00:19:52.079 --> 00:19:55.380 around because I like to use many different things. 00:19:55.559 --> 00:19:59.259 And now I try to, actually I had a house fire 00:19:59.259 --> 00:20:03.160 about six months ago and I lost my whole kit. 00:20:03.359 --> 00:20:05.000 And when I tell y 'all, that stuff is expensive. 00:20:05.619 --> 00:20:08.240 That stuff is expensive. I had like five grand 00:20:08.240 --> 00:20:11.700 worth of stuff. So it's like rebuilding it up. 00:20:12.009 --> 00:20:14.549 is making me think, okay, now what did I like, 00:20:14.950 --> 00:20:17.269 what brought, what toys brought me joy the most? 00:20:17.529 --> 00:20:20.250 And what stuff did I just impulse by? So it's 00:20:20.250 --> 00:20:23.509 like, I don't foresee myself carrying all that 00:20:23.509 --> 00:20:27.380 stuff around all the time anymore. So. now that 00:20:27.380 --> 00:20:28.980 I'm rebuilding, it's like, okay, if you like 00:20:28.980 --> 00:20:30.539 this, this, and that, I don't need to bring a 00:20:30.539 --> 00:20:32.640 stinky toy, because you don't like stinky. That's 00:20:32.640 --> 00:20:35.240 just a waste of space. So we talk about that, 00:20:35.240 --> 00:20:38.039 we talk about boundaries, and I offer people 00:20:38.039 --> 00:20:39.839 the space to be open, because like I said, I'm 00:20:39.839 --> 00:20:42.579 a therapist, so there's nothing I haven't heard 00:20:42.579 --> 00:20:45.680 already. I tell this to people in kink and in 00:20:45.680 --> 00:20:48.019 my day job, like, there is nothing that I have 00:20:48.019 --> 00:20:50.660 not heard, so I'm not here to judge you. I'll 00:20:50.660 --> 00:20:52.960 just say, okay, if they said that they like, 00:20:53.220 --> 00:20:56.119 because I don't do littles, I don't do like people. 00:20:56.200 --> 00:20:58.440 like to portray themselves as younger than what 00:20:58.440 --> 00:21:01.640 they are. Like they want me to be their mommy 00:21:01.640 --> 00:21:05.039 or I'm not really into that. So I'll tell them 00:21:05.039 --> 00:21:07.079 like you don't have to be ashamed with like it's 00:21:07.079 --> 00:21:09.559 an age regress and play with toys and have someone 00:21:09.559 --> 00:21:11.920 treat you like a baby. It's just not something 00:21:11.920 --> 00:21:15.420 I do. It's not something I offer so I'll say 00:21:15.420 --> 00:21:18.000 but I know this person likes this if you know, 00:21:18.140 --> 00:21:19.759 there's somebody I think they're compatible with 00:21:19.759 --> 00:21:21.779 or something I'm like, yeah, it's not really 00:21:21.779 --> 00:21:24.940 my thing So I offer them that space but I don't 00:21:24.940 --> 00:21:28.160 embarrass people for liking what they like and 00:21:28.160 --> 00:21:31.279 I did touch on also like safe words and safety 00:21:31.279 --> 00:21:35.970 signals and a safe word That's the name of my 00:21:35.970 --> 00:21:39.450 podcast. It's the Safe Word Podcast with Mystique 00:21:39.450 --> 00:21:43.190 and Mr. Everlasting. And safe words are just 00:21:43.190 --> 00:21:47.089 pre -agreed words that you decide to use that's 00:21:47.089 --> 00:21:50.369 gonna stop the scene completely. Because a lot 00:21:50.369 --> 00:21:52.970 of the times when you're in that space, stop. 00:21:53.259 --> 00:21:55.859 It's not gonna, or no is not always gonna be 00:21:55.859 --> 00:21:58.000 a good word because some people are saying no 00:21:58.000 --> 00:21:59.859 when they mean yes and they're getting into it. 00:22:00.079 --> 00:22:04.779 So you use a word that is totally unrelated to 00:22:04.779 --> 00:22:07.559 like the yes or no. So you know that, okay, like 00:22:07.559 --> 00:22:10.680 some people use the word like, like Jackrabbit 00:22:10.680 --> 00:22:13.519 or they'll say like, I think, what's Kevin Hart 00:22:13.519 --> 00:22:15.799 was saying? Pineapple, stuff like that. Like 00:22:15.799 --> 00:22:18.180 they'll pick a word and they know when their 00:22:18.180 --> 00:22:21.599 partner says that word, they are done. But a 00:22:21.599 --> 00:22:23.980 lot of people will use, the traffic light system 00:22:23.980 --> 00:22:26.339 especially when they're doing pickup play playing 00:22:26.339 --> 00:22:28.319 with somebody for the first time and the traffic 00:22:28.319 --> 00:22:31.539 light system is something that's uh that's universally 00:22:31.539 --> 00:22:34.619 known because red when they call red that means 00:22:34.619 --> 00:22:39.079 stop completely yellow means you know i'm kind 00:22:39.079 --> 00:22:41.039 of getting there to my point but you can keep 00:22:41.039 --> 00:22:45.210 going Red I mean green means you're good to go 00:22:45.210 --> 00:22:48.109 and some people like do nonverbal signals They'll 00:22:48.109 --> 00:22:50.190 be like tap tap tap three times when they want 00:22:50.190 --> 00:22:53.269 to stop Tap two times when I used to be a submissive 00:22:53.269 --> 00:22:54.970 like and I didn't want to talk because I like 00:22:54.970 --> 00:22:57.869 to be in my space I would thumbs up with thumbs 00:22:57.869 --> 00:22:59.609 down like I would just give a thumbs up with 00:22:59.609 --> 00:23:01.250 thumbs down because I didn't want to talk so 00:23:01.450 --> 00:23:04.269 It all goes back to those conversations that 00:23:04.269 --> 00:23:06.869 you have with the person when you first start 00:23:06.869 --> 00:23:10.089 playing to decide what guidelines you're gonna 00:23:10.089 --> 00:23:13.549 use for safety signals and safe words and all 00:23:13.549 --> 00:23:19.369 of that. And also, another thing is with consent. 00:23:20.500 --> 00:23:23.279 consent outside the scene like consent in like 00:23:23.279 --> 00:23:27.819 dungeon spaces or consent in like play spaces 00:23:27.819 --> 00:23:30.500 like you're not just gonna go up and interrupt 00:23:30.500 --> 00:23:33.440 somebody's scene or walk in the middle of it 00:23:33.440 --> 00:23:35.440 or be rude like when you're in a crowd like I 00:23:35.440 --> 00:23:37.880 go to this con and it's like a big crowded dungeon 00:23:37.880 --> 00:23:40.339 and I'm not gonna just be like well I want to 00:23:40.339 --> 00:23:42.200 walk here and I'm just gonna walk through somebody's 00:23:42.200 --> 00:23:44.660 scene like that's rude you have to respect other 00:23:44.660 --> 00:23:48.440 people's playing and voyeurism you can most spaces 00:23:48.440 --> 00:23:51.779 people are okay with you watching but voyeurism 00:23:51.779 --> 00:23:55.599 is a quiet sport which means you watch and be 00:23:55.599 --> 00:23:58.900 quiet some people like me depending on some of 00:23:58.900 --> 00:24:01.700 my friends like with some of my friends I may 00:24:01.700 --> 00:24:05.180 heckle I mean but it depends on the person and 00:24:05.180 --> 00:24:08.240 if you know them so like somebody may see me 00:24:08.240 --> 00:24:10.779 watching one of my friends do a scene and heckling 00:24:10.779 --> 00:24:13.759 them but you can't come up and heckle it's like 00:24:13.759 --> 00:24:17.259 they're used to me heckling and talking my shit 00:24:17.359 --> 00:24:20.980 but can I say shit? And talking my shit, but 00:24:20.980 --> 00:24:23.380 you can't just walk up and do that and you don't 00:24:23.380 --> 00:24:26.259 go and touch people's stuff because people's 00:24:26.259 --> 00:24:29.119 items in their kink bags are an extension of 00:24:29.119 --> 00:24:31.640 them. So you're not gonna go and touch somebody's 00:24:31.640 --> 00:24:34.690 belongings. when they're laying out on the table, 00:24:34.710 --> 00:24:37.009 you should always ask because also you don't 00:24:37.009 --> 00:24:40.109 know where something is being. So like if somebody's 00:24:40.109 --> 00:24:41.670 toy is laying there, they could have just pulled 00:24:41.670 --> 00:24:44.309 it out somebody. Now you got somebody's inner 00:24:44.309 --> 00:24:46.269 juices on your hands because you're touching 00:24:46.269 --> 00:24:49.470 their toys. So always remember consent is sexy. 00:24:49.750 --> 00:24:52.589 Ask, ask questions because it's better to be 00:24:52.589 --> 00:24:55.289 told no than to be told get your ass out my face. 00:24:55.589 --> 00:24:59.009 Yeah, definitely. And we just talked a lot about 00:24:59.009 --> 00:25:03.950 boundaries before and during scenes. So We never 00:25:03.950 --> 00:25:06.690 did explain what a scene is, so what is a scene, 00:25:06.710 --> 00:25:09.569 Zee? A scene is just, it's another word for an 00:25:09.569 --> 00:25:11.950 act of some kind of kink or beauty at some point. 00:25:12.309 --> 00:25:14.130 That's just what a scene is. When they say we're 00:25:14.130 --> 00:25:17.069 doing a scene, it means we're having some play 00:25:17.069 --> 00:25:20.250 that has a beginning, a middle, and an end, just 00:25:20.250 --> 00:25:22.029 like when you're watching a movie. They call 00:25:22.029 --> 00:25:23.609 it a scene because just like when you're watching 00:25:23.609 --> 00:25:26.269 a movie, there's a beginning, there's a warm 00:25:26.269 --> 00:25:28.990 -up, and then as you go up, you hit that high 00:25:28.990 --> 00:25:31.470 point, and then there's that come down. or that 00:25:31.470 --> 00:25:33.529 drop. So it's just like the like you watching 00:25:33.529 --> 00:25:36.150 a movie scene. There's the beginning, the height 00:25:36.150 --> 00:25:39.329 of the action and the ending. I love that. And 00:25:39.329 --> 00:25:41.670 we did just talk a lot. So I want to recap that 00:25:41.670 --> 00:25:44.890 section for everybody. So we talked a lot about 00:25:44.890 --> 00:25:48.130 consent culture and safe, sane, consensual and 00:25:48.130 --> 00:25:50.549 risk aware consensual kink. And then consent 00:25:50.549 --> 00:25:53.829 as an enthusiastic, ongoing, revisitable thing. 00:25:54.230 --> 00:25:57.289 And then we also talked about how before a scene, 00:25:57.490 --> 00:26:00.349 it's good to discuss desires, limits, physical 00:26:00.349 --> 00:26:02.910 and mental health needs, triggers and aftercare 00:26:02.910 --> 00:26:07.210 preferences. And it's also good to have maybe 00:26:07.210 --> 00:26:10.730 written or verbal negotiation tools for those. 00:26:11.089 --> 00:26:14.609 And then safe words are important. And a lot 00:26:14.609 --> 00:26:17.390 of people either develop their own safe words 00:26:17.390 --> 00:26:20.609 to stop a scene or have a traffic system that 00:26:20.609 --> 00:26:25.170 is like red, yellow, or green. All right. Well, 00:26:25.230 --> 00:26:27.509 that's all the time we have for today's episode. 00:26:27.869 --> 00:26:30.130 We will continue this conversation on our next 00:26:30.130 --> 00:26:32.849 episode of Prep and Play. See you next time.