Welcome to Prep and Play, where we have conversations
about safer sexual pleasure. This podcast is
dedicated to empowering listeners through open,
honest discussions surrounding keeping our minds,
bodies, and spirits healthy while being sexually
active. My name is Danielle, and I'm the Rural
Outreach Specialist at AIDS Alabama South. And
today I have with me two guests, including...
Devin Burton, Community Outreach Specialist with
AIDS Alabama South. and Dr. Antonio Brito, AIDS
Alabama South development coordinator. And today
we will be discussing sexual health conversations
to have before having sex. So we're going to
be diving into some essential topics here, talking
about everything from STI disclosure to turn
ons and power dynamics. But I'd like to start
off just by talking about why we should talk
before we get to touching. So why are pre -sex
conversations important, not just for safety,
but for connection and consent? So I'm very big
into intimacy. And to be honest, I am someone
that if we have a first date and it goes wonderful,
I personally am not one of those people who will
wait. three to six months. So, you know, after
our date, I kind of want to figure out where
your head is sexually. And for me personally,
I would like to know how you play because there
may be things that you're into that I'm not.
And I just want to know how you are in the bedroom.
What about you, Devin? Well, I'm somewhere on
that spectrum maybe a little off to the left,
you know intimacy for me Isn't always a prerequisite
when it comes to Having sex with someone Various
communities that I've been, you know, I've been
a part of sexual health conversations Involve
the likes the dislikes the things that bring
pleasure the things that don't Those all those
aren't always preceded by a date, if that makes
sense. But so you're saying that even though
you don't necessarily go on dates and form intimate
relationships with people before having sex,
you do still have those conversations about what
gets you going, what turns you on and off. Yes,
you know, even when we talk about, you know,
having like anonymous partners and using apps
and things like that that are completely anonymous.
there's still a conversation that happens beforehand.
Antonia's making a face, so go out and jump in
here, boo. So are these conversations that you
guys are having, it's that basically what is
on your About Me in these apps and throughout
these sex clubs and dungeons? Like, that's a
real question for me to ask you. Like, do you
say, hey, I'm into this through a glory hole?
Like any good improv, yes and. But no, the apps,
you know, we have the about, you have the about
me sections and you can get as detailed about
it as you want or it can be as blank as you want.
And. So just to clarify, Antonio brought that
up because you are usually meeting partners via
quote unquote dating apps, correct? Sometimes.
Most times. All right, so actually, you know,
I'll weigh in a little bit on this too. So I
personally think pre -sex conversations are important
because somebody taught me a long time ago, if
you... fail to plan, you plan to fail. And now
I'm not saying intimacy needs to be carefully
orchestrated or anything like that. But I like
to be on the same page as my partner, as far
as protection goes, as far as what I like goes.
Because I don't like to have bad sex, if I'm
being perfectly honest. And a very good way to
have bad sex is for me to get in the bedroom
with somebody who likes something entirely different
than I like. I've had it happen so many times,
and when I actually do have those conversations
before sex, that problem doesn't occur because
we already know going in, okay, this is what
I like, this is what you like, this is where
we meet on those things. And so to go along with
that, some of the risks of skipping them, I'll
go ahead and say first and foremost. Bad sex.
But with today's dating and hookup culture, what
are some risks that y 'all can think of that
might be associated with skipping a sexual, a
pre -sex conversation? HIV is a really huge risk.
STIs are also very huge risk. And personally
for me, being someone who is on PrEP, now for
me, it is a lot easier seeing how I am on the
shot. But before I started receiving the shot,
which is Apertube, I was on the pill and Disco
V and I did not have a really good relationship.
I know I'm not the only person that doesn't take
their vitamins every day. So I also didn't take
my PrEP every day. So condoms for me will always
be in the picture, even though I am on PrEP.
And the thing is there's no look a certain person
has that says that they are HIV positive, that
they have an STI or hep C. So I can't trust for
you to be. on prep or undetectable. I have to
make sure that I stay safe in order to have sex
with you. But still, I will always use a condom,
even while on prep. I definitely agree with you
on, you know, keeping myself protected as a HIV
negative person who has been on prep since 2015.
You know, as much disclosure as we do, Give when
it comes to meeting people on the apps or just
having casual conversations, you know, we never
know how Adherent someone is to their medication
and you know might not get into that question
Oh, you're on prep. Do you take it every day?
Are you are you on the shot? Let's compare notes
like probably not gonna get into that deep of
a conversation before we get down but you know,
there are you know, there are also individuals
out there that say they're on PrEP and they're
not. They say they're undetectable and they're
not. They say they're negative and they're not.
You know, I've had personal experiences with
individuals such as that and, you know, it is
incumbent upon me to make sure that I am protected
so that, you know, I can do the things that I
like. Because I know that my disclosures on the
apps are truthful. But I don't know if other
people's disclosures always are that's a really
good point people lie I will say another risk
that I thought of here We talk about having these
conversations for safety connection and consent
and you guys touched on safety A lot there with
with the sti and hiv concerns One thing though
that can be very important is that consent aspect?
one risk of not having those conversations can
be Assault, you know If so if one partner likes
anal and the other one doesn't and they don't
discuss that I mean I feel like I Feel like I'm
looking at two gay men right now and maybe y
'all don't relate but for me personally You know
In my sexual experience life. What if you know,
what if I what if I'm not down for that and a
guy tries without having that conversation I've
had no way to express that that's not something
I desire, and he's had no way of expressing that
that's something that he wants. And that's why
these conversations can be used as a part of
foreplay, you know, if we're talking about what
we do and don't like, you know, how we're going
to protect ourselves. If we're, you know, if
we're getting hot and heavy, if we're sexting,
if we're sending pictures back and forth, it's
a good time to think about those things as well.
And speaking of the sexting and listening pictures,
we talked a little bit about dating apps earlier.
So in general, how do you think technology has
changed how and when we have these pre -sex conversations?
I think it's very much normalized them. Um, I
know it's really funny. This is just my, just
my little personal tidbit. Um, cause you know,
I have been an avid sexter in my, in my life,
but sometimes You never know what the person
on the other side of the phone is doing. So,
you know, sometimes I am sexting this glorious,
wonderful throw -down of a thing, but I'm really
just laying on my couch looking bored as I'll
get out. And sometimes I catch myself because
I'm like completely detached from what I'm saying,
writing. the romance novel and thinking about
what I'm gonna eat for dinner. But it's normalized
it to the point sometimes I think we can be very
desensitized from what we're actually saying,
from what we're actually doing. You know, sexual
conversations are so normal for me. Sometimes
it's like reading an instruction manual. Well,
for me, I guess I look at dating apps as I feel
like it takes the human components away. I'm
one of those people that really like that one
on one time, that one on one connection. I like
to meet someone out because I do believe that
people are one way on paper and they're completely
different outside of that. And whenever I hear
a lot of my friends talk about meeting people
online and on these dating apps. It's like a
catfish type of deal. They are talking to one
person online, but the person that they meet
is the complete opposite. So I just kind of like
to meet you where you are. And sometimes are
the complete opposite from their pictures. So
let's get into some must have health talks to
have. in these pre -sex sexual conversations.
So some things about sexual history, I would
say. How do you usually bring up a sexual history
conversation? Okay, so for me personally, I am
one of those that will tell you that I've, you
know, I like to cut my numbers down whenever
we have the conversation. So I've only been with
three people. So my go -to is actually always
a lady never tells because I know the number,
but you're not going to see, but you know, okay.
And I agree with that. I'm gonna start saying
that. But But I mean there are also members of
the community that sometimes derive a little
Pleasure from knowing that you've been with multiple
people They kind of you know, they kind of get
off to this is actually not what I was asking
I didn't necessarily mean our our body counts
here when I was talking about sexual history
So meet for me personally this conversation looks
more along the lines of like when was the last
time you were tested? Have you had any recent?
partners or known exposures like, okay, when
was the last time you were you were tested? And
if they say like two months ago, okay, have you
had any partners since then? Because that's all
I need to know about is the partners that you've
had since the last time you were tested. So for
me, I'm actually working here and being in prevention,
I do know that getting tested is very personal.
And it can be very, very scary. And normally
the type of guys that I do dates, they have not
ever been tested. So for me, I have always been
one of those people. That is why I always make
sure that you have a condom, that we're using
condoms, that I am on my prep. And because I
can't still trust what you say. even if you tell
me, oh, I was tested last week and we've been
at testing events where that is what we hear
a lot of the times. Oh, I was already tested.
Oh, I've already been to the doctor. Or I just
had a checkup, but you don't know if they had
given you an HIV test or not. So for me personally,
I believe that whenever you decide that you want
to take it to a level where there are no condoms
being used, then we should go and get tested
together. But that's just me. I like that. I
like that a lot. I think, I think from my side
or as you like to say, me personally, you know,
I am definitely guilty of just like taking things
at face value. A lot of the, you know, a lot
of the apps, you list all those things like when
were you last tested? Here's the exact date.
It's usually my exact date. I don't know if it's
your exact date. Um, but you know, I also do
prefer to have partners that are on prep. Um,
even, even if the conversation isn't exactly,
are you on prep? There, there generally becomes
a conversation of types of prep or, you know,
somebody will bring up mister or something like
that. Um, so There are context clues in the conversation.
And you want to explain Mr. for the listeners
here? Is Mr. still a thing? Are they still finding?
I saw an ad today. Oh, OK. So Mr. is where you
can get at -home prep, at -home HIV testing without
having to go into a clinic. It's a website. Yeah.
Awesome. So this one is, you know, only if applicable.
So the next topic will be pregnancy prevention.
And me personally, I have been on birth control
since I was like 16 years old. I currently have
Nexplanon in my arm. I've noticed that I'm usually
not the first one to bring it up just because
like I forget about it. I know I'm protected.
There is zero user error with Nexplanon. So it's
just in my arm and I forget about it. Nexplanon
is the birth control implant. And me and Rachel
are discussing this on the birth control. episode
if you want to hear more about pregnancy prevention.
Since I forget about it so often, I usually do
wait until a guy brings it up and he'll be like,
are you on the pill? Do we need to get a Plan
B? Whatever. And I'll be like, I'm on Nexplanon,
you know? And I'll make him feel the little bar
in my arm so he knows I'm not lying. They hate
it. They hate to touch that bar. She says, I'm
on Nexplanon. And they're like, will you please
explanon that to me? No, but... In all seriousness,
even though I am a gay man, I do have sex with
members of the trans community. So if I am going
to engage with someone who is female to male
transgender, then that conversation does have
to be had. There's a lot of... respect that goes
into that kind of that kind of hookup per se
you know what do I call it you know there are
a lot of you know trans men out there that don't
want you to refer to it in the feminine and you
know the conversation of can you get pregnant
does you know that does come up But the important
thing here is to realize, although we're talking
about things like sexual health, things like
pregnancy prevention in these pre -sex conversations,
the important thing here is that these talks
are not meant to kill the vibe. They are meant
to build trust and pleasure. When you know that
you're safe with somebody, however your definition
of safe is, whether it's being on prep, whether
it's using condoms, whether it's knowing that
someone's recently been tested. However, you
feel safe knowing that you're safe with somebody
builds so much intimacy in sex I 100 % agree
with that. Like I really really do Just a little
bit about pleasure mapping here that that's another
good topic to talk about, you know My biggest
thing here is that sometimes I'm into things
that other people aren't you know so how would
you how do you bring up topics of turn ons, turn
offs, kinks, boundaries, preferences, stuff like
that. How do you bring that up? On the first
day? I mean, do you bring it up on the first
day? When do you bring it up, if ever? I can
go ahead and start a little bit. Oh, please.
But no, so I typically don't have these conversations
on the first date, not. Because I'm like against
that type of thing or anything. I just personally
am looking to build some type of connection I
find sex more pleasurable when I am connected
to my partner and So this is usually like a third
date conversation if we might get it on But I
do ask you know, there are questions that can
be asked like what are you into? What's off limits
in bed? What do you like? I feel like that would
be a great way to open it what I usually do I
drop hints. I like to drop little hints that
are slightly sexual and let the conversation
go from there. My goal is to find out what the
other person's into and maybe share a little
bit about mine, but I'm usually not too direct
in that conversation. Well, since I'm kind of
taking the app side of the conversation, a lot
of times that's like the second question. It's
like, hey, hi, pick, into. Just straight into
question mark list. Oh, I love that. It's so
much easier than mine Like I'm over here playing
games jumping through hoops raising a hoop hoping
they jump through it and you're just asking what
are you into and You know, I do I do take that
one a little bit more seriously than I do some
other conversations because you know I'm a person
in long -term recovery that is also very sexually
active so you know, making sure that drugs are
not going to be involved is very important to
me, and deciphering through all the lingo is
very important to me. So, you know, I'll list
off the things that I'm into, but I'll also say
the things that I'm not into, which is drugs
and alcohol of any kind. plus a few other things.
Wow, I'm actually really glad that you brought
that up because that's one of those risks we
didn't think about earlier. Safety in the form
of somebody's recovery could be at risk without
having a pre -sex sexual conversation. And I
would say also that what are you into question
is super important because I mean, I have I like
intimacy in my sex, but baseline, I'm having
sex for pleasure. I'm not I'm not trying to produce
a baby right now. I'm having sex with pleasure
and I want to ensure that my pleasure needs are
met. Did you have anything to add? Once again,
I definitely agree with you on making sure that
my pleasure needs are met. I definitely believe
that for me personally, I like to look at sex
as a seed and you plant that seed and as Time
goes on that seed develops into something so
I I'm one of those people that just believe that
you know, you grow sexually with someone but
Turn -ons and turn -offs aren't really things
that I talk about at first Because I really want
to get to know like this person But if we do
decide to experience a sexual relationship, honestly,
the biggest turn on for me is that you do have
a condom. And the biggest turn off for me is
if I pull out a condom, you run away from it.
I love that for you. So I would like each of
us to share one important tip, piece of advice,
question, you know, whatever. For helping people
start a sexual health conversation with some
confidence. I think for me personally Just knowing
who you are Before you even get into the conversation
what you like what you dislike it doesn't matter
if you're on This side of the spectrum that is,
you know Condoms only must be on prep this that
of the third or if you're on this side That's
like I like anonymous partners and I don't have
to see your face before you get here, you know,
just know that about yourself before you engage
in those conversations and Don't try to fake
being some other kind of person Because when
they get there and you've said that you like
this and you really don't you were just trying
to bag them then you're in a little bit of a
conundrum because now you're not having pleasure
because you lied. I love that. Absolutely love
that. I really love that. I really love that.
For me, it would be confidence is actually key.
Understand that you don't have to settle. So
whatever you want, because you are also in this.
Understand you have boundaries and respect your
own boundaries. If you want condoms, use condoms.
If you want to ask a question about someone getting,
when's the last time they were tested? Please
do. If you want to know that if they are on prep
or if they are undetectable, ask. Never shy away
from any type of conversations that could possibly
affect you. and know that we here at AIDS Alabama
South are always here to help you with sexual
health conversations and to get your sexual health
intact. We have prep here. We have free HIV testing
here, STI testing, and we provide treatment.
So I feel like the resources are at your disposal.
So always stay confident and mean what you say
and stand on business. for your own sexual health.
Wow, I love that too. I would say mine is a little
bit twofold. I would say, know your status regardless
of HIV, STI, whatever, get tested, know your
status. That one is huge for me before having
any sexual health conversations. Get tested,
know your status because sexual health is super
important. The more you know, the more you can
do. Also, Don't know and this is just my personal
opinion, but you know, these are topics like
sexual health protection Turn -ons and turn -offs
preferences if you cannot have these conversations
with somebody before engaging in physical intimacy
with them Really consider why that is. Is it
the person is it your own level of maturity?
Is it your own comfort with sex in general? I
guess that would be my biggest piece of advice.
If you feel uncomfortable with discussing any
of this, really examine why. This has been a
great episode, y 'all. I'm gonna have y 'all
back. But so just to recap some major points,
these conversations here are so important for
safety, sexual health, consent, and intimacy
and connection, but also pleasure. Sex is supposed
to be pleasurable. You know if you need to get
tested as Antonio said we do have free STI and
HIV testing and treatment Here at shell health
our on -site clinic at AIDS, Alabama South located
at four three two one downtown or loop north
in Mobile, Alabama And if you are not in the
mobile area, you can always search HIV and STI
testing near me and find a local organization
or health department that can do so for free
or low cost I would like to thank you all for
listening. Thank you Devin and Antonio for being
a part of this today. And so please tune in to
our next episode where we will be discussing
birth control. Thanks. Bye bye.