1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:06,080 All right, so today we're going deep, deep into the world of modern dating, but not 2 00:00:06,080 --> 00:00:12,800 the, you know, the fun rom-com version, more like, I think, documentary style, where dating 3 00:00:12,800 --> 00:00:15,400 apps, which you think would make things easier, right? 4 00:00:15,400 --> 00:00:16,400 Yeah. 5 00:00:16,400 --> 00:00:19,240 They've actually made the whole search for love way more complicated. 6 00:00:19,240 --> 00:00:20,240 Yeah. 7 00:00:20,240 --> 00:00:21,560 So it is kind of ironic when you think about it. 8 00:00:21,560 --> 00:00:23,800 You've got more ways than ever to connect with people. 9 00:00:23,800 --> 00:00:29,880 But marriage rates are hitting like record lows, even hookups are on the decline. 10 00:00:29,880 --> 00:00:30,880 It's true. 11 00:00:30,880 --> 00:00:31,880 It's true. 12 00:00:31,880 --> 00:00:34,880 So to break it all down, we're looking at this conversation with Dr. Orion Turbin. 13 00:00:34,880 --> 00:00:38,760 He's a clinical psychologist, specializes in modern dating. 14 00:00:38,760 --> 00:00:42,400 And the interview we're pulling from is from the YouTube channel, The Diary of a CEO. 15 00:00:42,400 --> 00:00:48,560 Now, if you don't know Dr. Turbin, he's known for like his really sharp, sometimes controversial 16 00:00:48,560 --> 00:00:50,200 views on dating today. 17 00:00:50,200 --> 00:00:51,880 He doesn't sugarcoat things, that's for sure. 18 00:00:51,880 --> 00:00:52,880 No, he does not. 19 00:00:52,880 --> 00:00:56,200 And he often uses like colorful language to get his point across. 20 00:00:56,200 --> 00:00:57,200 Yeah. 21 00:00:57,200 --> 00:00:59,840 Right from the start, he just kind of hits us with some hard hitting stats. 22 00:00:59,840 --> 00:01:04,920 Not just marriage rates being down, but birth rates in a lot of developed countries. 23 00:01:04,920 --> 00:01:07,200 They're below replacement level now. 24 00:01:07,200 --> 00:01:09,840 So there are fewer babies being born than people dying. 25 00:01:09,840 --> 00:01:10,840 Whoa. 26 00:01:10,840 --> 00:01:11,840 Okay. 27 00:01:11,840 --> 00:01:13,840 That got real, real dark, real fast. 28 00:01:13,840 --> 00:01:16,800 I thought we were going to like dish about dating apps. 29 00:01:16,800 --> 00:01:18,720 It sounds like a dystopian movie or something. 30 00:01:18,720 --> 00:01:19,720 Yeah. 31 00:01:19,720 --> 00:01:22,120 It's a pretty bleak picture for sure. 32 00:01:22,120 --> 00:01:26,880 And Dr. Turbin believes that like this whole trend towards fewer relationships and serious 33 00:01:26,880 --> 00:01:32,400 implications for, well, everything, population decline, societal instability, just a lot 34 00:01:32,400 --> 00:01:34,480 more people feeling isolated and alone. 35 00:01:34,480 --> 00:01:39,120 It's almost like we're in this like connection crisis that everyone's hyper connected online. 36 00:01:39,120 --> 00:01:40,120 It's kind of a paradox. 37 00:01:40,120 --> 00:01:41,120 Yeah. 38 00:01:41,120 --> 00:01:42,720 So where do we even begin to untangle all this? 39 00:01:42,720 --> 00:01:47,320 Well, Dr. Turbin kind of lays out the specific challenges that men and women face in this 40 00:01:47,320 --> 00:01:48,360 new dating world, right? 41 00:01:48,360 --> 00:01:49,360 Yeah. 42 00:01:49,360 --> 00:01:50,360 So let's start with the guys. 43 00:01:50,360 --> 00:01:55,880 One of the most interesting things he talks about is this idea of like an invisibility 44 00:01:55,880 --> 00:01:58,600 factor and that's particularly for younger men. 45 00:01:58,600 --> 00:01:59,600 Invisibility factor. 46 00:01:59,600 --> 00:02:00,600 What is that? 47 00:02:00,600 --> 00:02:01,600 Like are they turning invisible? 48 00:02:01,600 --> 00:02:02,600 Well, not literally. 49 00:02:02,600 --> 00:02:03,600 Yeah. 50 00:02:03,600 --> 00:02:07,320 But he's arguing that a lot of young men just don't have what it takes to stand out. 51 00:02:07,320 --> 00:02:08,920 It's a crowded dating scene. 52 00:02:08,920 --> 00:02:10,600 You know, you got to stand out. 53 00:02:10,600 --> 00:02:18,040 So whether it's, you know, money, career or even like classic good looks, they just lack 54 00:02:18,040 --> 00:02:19,840 the resources to grab attention. 55 00:02:19,840 --> 00:02:21,240 They blend into the background. 56 00:02:21,240 --> 00:02:22,760 He even calls them wallpaper. 57 00:02:22,760 --> 00:02:23,760 Ooh, wallpaper. 58 00:02:23,760 --> 00:02:24,760 I get it. 59 00:02:24,760 --> 00:02:25,960 It's not even just about looks. 60 00:02:25,960 --> 00:02:31,440 It's about this whole package of things that makes a guy like noticeable, desirable. 61 00:02:31,440 --> 00:02:33,160 Yeah, exactly. 62 00:02:33,160 --> 00:02:37,000 And this could be, you know, a bit of a catch 22, especially for those guys who are just 63 00:02:37,000 --> 00:02:39,640 starting out, you know, in their careers and life. 64 00:02:39,640 --> 00:02:45,960 Dr. Turbin points out that like men get more relationship opportunities when they have 65 00:02:45,960 --> 00:02:47,240 things that other people want. 66 00:02:47,240 --> 00:02:48,240 Okay. 67 00:02:48,240 --> 00:02:49,760 So skills, resources, status, that kind of stuff. 68 00:02:49,760 --> 00:02:50,760 I see. 69 00:02:50,760 --> 00:02:53,640 But when you're just beginning, it's hard to get those things right. 70 00:02:53,640 --> 00:02:54,640 Yeah, totally. 71 00:02:54,640 --> 00:02:56,640 It's not a whole, it takes money to make money. 72 00:02:56,640 --> 00:03:02,280 But in this case, it takes having what people want to get what you want. 73 00:03:02,280 --> 00:03:03,720 So how do you break that cycle? 74 00:03:03,720 --> 00:03:06,280 What's a guy supposed to do if he's feeling invisible? 75 00:03:06,280 --> 00:03:07,920 He shouldn't give up, that's for sure. 76 00:03:07,920 --> 00:03:12,120 Dr. Turbin suggests focusing on your unique skills and passions. 77 00:03:12,120 --> 00:03:13,960 So you know, what do you enjoy? 78 00:03:13,960 --> 00:03:14,960 What are you good at? 79 00:03:14,960 --> 00:03:16,240 What makes you stand out from the crowd? 80 00:03:16,240 --> 00:03:21,400 So it's more about like building a life that you're excited about and that excitement, 81 00:03:21,400 --> 00:03:24,360 that passion will attract people to you. 82 00:03:24,360 --> 00:03:25,360 It's like a magnet. 83 00:03:25,360 --> 00:03:26,360 Yeah, okay. 84 00:03:26,360 --> 00:03:29,760 It's not about being someone you're not, it's about being the best version of you. 85 00:03:29,760 --> 00:03:30,760 I like that. 86 00:03:30,760 --> 00:03:31,760 Yeah. 87 00:03:31,760 --> 00:03:37,120 Now, Dr. Turbin doesn't shy away from, you know, talking about some of the less positive 88 00:03:37,120 --> 00:03:40,760 responses that men have to this invisibility thing. 89 00:03:40,760 --> 00:03:44,880 He talks about performative masculinity, which is a term like I hear all the time now. 90 00:03:44,880 --> 00:03:45,880 It's everywhere. 91 00:03:45,880 --> 00:03:47,240 But I'm not always sure I totally get it. 92 00:03:47,240 --> 00:03:52,520 So think about those guys you see at the gym, right, always trying to lift the heaviest 93 00:03:52,520 --> 00:03:57,160 weights or bragging about their, you know, conquests, like they're putting on a show 94 00:03:57,160 --> 00:04:02,280 of masculinity and compensate for feeling unseen or inadequate. 95 00:04:02,280 --> 00:04:08,000 Oh, so it's like this outward projection of what they think masculinity should be, but 96 00:04:08,000 --> 00:04:09,640 deep down it comes from insecurity. 97 00:04:09,640 --> 00:04:11,040 Yeah, that's the heart of it. 98 00:04:11,040 --> 00:04:15,920 And, you know, some people might find that attractive at first, but it's not a sustainable 99 00:04:15,920 --> 00:04:18,040 strategy for building real connection. 100 00:04:18,040 --> 00:04:19,040 Right. 101 00:04:19,040 --> 00:04:20,040 So it's like a band aid. 102 00:04:20,040 --> 00:04:21,040 It is. 103 00:04:21,040 --> 00:04:22,040 But it doesn't fix the problem. 104 00:04:22,040 --> 00:04:23,800 It's like a dress the root cause. 105 00:04:23,800 --> 00:04:30,920 So before we move on to women, what can guys do to combat that invisibility without, you 106 00:04:30,920 --> 00:04:33,480 know, resorting to these performative acts? 107 00:04:33,480 --> 00:04:38,960 Dr. Trubin really emphasizes building a strong social network, both online and offline. 108 00:04:38,960 --> 00:04:44,000 It's about connecting with people who share your interest, supporting others, you know, 109 00:04:44,000 --> 00:04:45,760 contributing to something larger than yourself. 110 00:04:45,760 --> 00:04:46,760 Defining your tribe. 111 00:04:46,760 --> 00:04:47,760 Exactly. 112 00:04:47,760 --> 00:04:50,480 And the dating opportunities will kind of come naturally out of that. 113 00:04:50,480 --> 00:04:51,480 You're putting yourself out there. 114 00:04:51,480 --> 00:04:52,720 You're being authentic. 115 00:04:52,720 --> 00:04:54,840 It's not about fitting into some predefined mold. 116 00:04:54,840 --> 00:04:55,840 Okay. 117 00:04:55,840 --> 00:04:56,840 So let your light shine. 118 00:04:56,840 --> 00:04:57,840 There you go. 119 00:04:57,840 --> 00:04:58,840 All right. 120 00:04:58,840 --> 00:04:59,840 Now let's switch gears a little bit. 121 00:04:59,840 --> 00:05:03,960 What about the challenges women face in this modern dating landscape? 122 00:05:03,960 --> 00:05:10,000 So Dr. Trubin uses this term, the marriage conundrum to describe what a lot of women are going 123 00:05:10,000 --> 00:05:11,000 through these days. 124 00:05:11,000 --> 00:05:12,000 Oh, okay. 125 00:05:12,000 --> 00:05:13,000 A conundrum. 126 00:05:13,000 --> 00:05:14,000 Yeah. 127 00:05:14,000 --> 00:05:20,320 Basically, a lot of women desire marriage, a committed relationship, but they struggle 128 00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:23,200 to find men who want the same thing. 129 00:05:23,200 --> 00:05:24,200 Yeah. 130 00:05:24,200 --> 00:05:27,040 You know, that tracks with what I hear from a lot of my female friends, like they're 131 00:05:27,040 --> 00:05:29,760 ready to settle down, white picket fence, the whole nine yards. 132 00:05:29,760 --> 00:05:30,760 Right. 133 00:05:30,760 --> 00:05:32,000 It seems like guys just aren't there yet. 134 00:05:32,000 --> 00:05:33,000 Yeah. 135 00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:37,120 And then you have this thing called the paradox of choice, which online dating has just made 136 00:05:37,120 --> 00:05:38,120 so much worse. 137 00:05:38,120 --> 00:05:39,120 Okay. 138 00:05:39,120 --> 00:05:40,120 Paradox of choice. 139 00:05:40,120 --> 00:05:41,120 Yeah. 140 00:05:41,120 --> 00:05:42,960 So how can having more choices be a bad thing? 141 00:05:42,960 --> 00:05:49,760 Well, with apps like Tinder, Bumble, all those, women see tons of potential partners. 142 00:05:49,760 --> 00:05:50,760 So many. 143 00:05:50,760 --> 00:05:52,200 It's endless. 144 00:05:52,200 --> 00:05:54,840 And that can actually make it harder to find a meaningful connection. 145 00:05:54,840 --> 00:05:56,280 So you're seeing all that swiping. 146 00:05:56,280 --> 00:05:57,280 Yeah. 147 00:05:57,280 --> 00:05:58,280 You're always looking for someone better. 148 00:05:58,280 --> 00:05:59,280 Yeah. 149 00:05:59,280 --> 00:06:00,280 You get caught in the comparison game. 150 00:06:00,280 --> 00:06:02,160 It's like being in a buffet with endless options. 151 00:06:02,160 --> 00:06:03,160 Right. 152 00:06:03,160 --> 00:06:06,640 You try a little bit of everything, but you never really savor anything. 153 00:06:06,640 --> 00:06:11,720 I can see that chasing that like dopamine rush of a new match, but you never actually 154 00:06:11,720 --> 00:06:15,200 stop and connect with someone on a deeper level. 155 00:06:15,200 --> 00:06:20,400 It leads to a situation where women are focusing on like the top 10% of men. 156 00:06:20,400 --> 00:06:21,400 Right. 157 00:06:21,400 --> 00:06:22,400 Those with the best photos? 158 00:06:22,400 --> 00:06:23,400 Yeah. 159 00:06:23,400 --> 00:06:25,280 The best bios, the most impressive careers. 160 00:06:25,280 --> 00:06:29,960 It creates this hyper competitive environment where it's really tough for anyone to stand 161 00:06:29,960 --> 00:06:30,960 out. 162 00:06:30,960 --> 00:06:34,120 So even if you are one of the lucky ones who gets to go on a date with one of those guys, 163 00:06:34,120 --> 00:06:36,720 you're still competing with like tons of other women. 164 00:06:36,720 --> 00:06:37,720 Exactly. 165 00:06:37,720 --> 00:06:38,720 Not very relaxing. 166 00:06:38,720 --> 00:06:39,720 No. 167 00:06:39,720 --> 00:06:40,720 Okay. 168 00:06:40,720 --> 00:06:41,720 So that brings us to attraction. 169 00:06:41,720 --> 00:06:42,720 Yes. 170 00:06:42,720 --> 00:06:46,720 So he actually challenges that whole just be kind advice. 171 00:06:46,720 --> 00:06:47,720 Yeah. 172 00:06:47,720 --> 00:06:48,720 It's interesting. 173 00:06:48,720 --> 00:06:49,720 Wait. 174 00:06:49,720 --> 00:06:50,720 So are you saying kindness isn't important? 175 00:06:50,720 --> 00:06:53,800 Cause I thought that was like the basis of a good relationship. 176 00:06:53,800 --> 00:06:54,800 Oh, it is. 177 00:06:54,800 --> 00:06:55,800 It is. 178 00:06:55,800 --> 00:06:56,800 Kindness is crucial for a healthy relationship. 179 00:06:56,800 --> 00:06:57,800 Yeah. 180 00:06:57,800 --> 00:07:02,720 But what he's saying is that kindness is more desired after attraction is established. 181 00:07:02,720 --> 00:07:05,240 It's not necessarily what sparks that initial interest. 182 00:07:05,240 --> 00:07:06,240 Okay. 183 00:07:06,240 --> 00:07:10,520 So being a good person, that's table stakes, but that might not get you that first date. 184 00:07:10,520 --> 00:07:11,520 Exactly. 185 00:07:11,520 --> 00:07:12,520 Got it. 186 00:07:12,520 --> 00:07:17,880 So attraction as a kind of marketing where everyone, men and women can work to increase 187 00:07:17,880 --> 00:07:19,400 their attractiveness. 188 00:07:19,400 --> 00:07:21,760 Ooh, marketing. 189 00:07:21,760 --> 00:07:23,200 Tell me more. 190 00:07:23,200 --> 00:07:29,320 It's about things like fitness, style, learning to communicate effectively, putting your best 191 00:07:29,320 --> 00:07:31,240 foot forward, showcasing your strengths. 192 00:07:31,240 --> 00:07:32,240 So self-improvement. 193 00:07:32,240 --> 00:07:33,240 Yeah. 194 00:07:33,240 --> 00:07:37,800 And presenting yourself in a way that reflects who you are and what you have to offer. 195 00:07:37,800 --> 00:07:38,800 Yeah. 196 00:07:38,800 --> 00:07:39,800 Makes sense. 197 00:07:39,800 --> 00:07:40,800 And this is where it gets really interesting. 198 00:07:40,800 --> 00:07:48,080 So the nuances of feminine communication and how it's different from masculine communication. 199 00:07:48,080 --> 00:07:49,080 Okay. 200 00:07:49,080 --> 00:07:50,080 This is it. 201 00:07:50,080 --> 00:07:51,080 All right. 202 00:07:51,080 --> 00:07:54,000 So masculine communication is usually very straightforward, direct. 203 00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:55,800 It's about getting the information across. 204 00:07:55,800 --> 00:07:57,360 You know, very clear. 205 00:07:57,360 --> 00:07:59,640 Feminine communication is more subtle. 206 00:07:59,640 --> 00:08:02,640 It emphasizes emotional resonance, connection. 207 00:08:02,640 --> 00:08:06,560 So it's not just about the words themselves, but like the energy behind them. 208 00:08:06,560 --> 00:08:07,560 Yeah. 209 00:08:07,560 --> 00:08:08,920 Like creating a shared feeling. 210 00:08:08,920 --> 00:08:09,920 I see. 211 00:08:09,920 --> 00:08:10,920 And exchanging information. 212 00:08:10,920 --> 00:08:11,920 Okay. 213 00:08:11,920 --> 00:08:13,840 And he's saying men often miss these cues. 214 00:08:13,840 --> 00:08:14,840 Yes. 215 00:08:14,840 --> 00:08:15,840 Those subtle cues. 216 00:08:15,840 --> 00:08:16,840 They miss them. 217 00:08:16,840 --> 00:08:21,440 Leading to all sorts of, you know, misunderstandings, missed opportunities. 218 00:08:21,440 --> 00:08:22,920 They're speaking different languages. 219 00:08:22,920 --> 00:08:23,920 It's like that. 220 00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:24,920 Yeah. 221 00:08:24,920 --> 00:08:25,920 Even though they're using the same words. 222 00:08:25,920 --> 00:08:26,920 They are. 223 00:08:26,920 --> 00:08:27,920 Wow. 224 00:08:27,920 --> 00:08:29,920 So he pulls some interesting insights from the pickup artist community. 225 00:08:29,920 --> 00:08:30,920 Oh, okay. 226 00:08:30,920 --> 00:08:31,920 Which I know. 227 00:08:31,920 --> 00:08:32,920 That's a whole thing. 228 00:08:32,920 --> 00:08:33,920 Yeah. 229 00:08:33,920 --> 00:08:34,920 It is. 230 00:08:34,920 --> 00:08:36,440 But I am curious what he takes away from it. 231 00:08:36,440 --> 00:08:43,920 So he acknowledges that some of their techniques can be, you know, manipulative, even harmful. 232 00:08:43,920 --> 00:08:44,920 Yeah. 233 00:08:44,920 --> 00:08:51,400 But he also says there's this core principle that has value and it's understanding what 234 00:08:51,400 --> 00:08:53,560 actually works when it comes to attraction. 235 00:08:53,560 --> 00:08:54,560 Okay. 236 00:08:54,560 --> 00:08:59,080 So it's about letting go of your preconceived notions and actually paying attention to how 237 00:08:59,080 --> 00:09:00,920 people respond to you. 238 00:09:00,920 --> 00:09:03,640 So being adaptable, responsive in the moment. 239 00:09:03,640 --> 00:09:08,040 And this kind of ties into what he calls the game of please know. 240 00:09:08,040 --> 00:09:09,160 The game of please know. 241 00:09:09,160 --> 00:09:11,880 Which he learned actually as an acting student. 242 00:09:11,880 --> 00:09:12,880 Okay. 243 00:09:12,880 --> 00:09:17,520 So basically, yeah, he believes this game is at the heart of all human interactions. 244 00:09:17,520 --> 00:09:22,040 The idea is, yeah, in any interaction, someone wants something. 245 00:09:22,040 --> 00:09:23,280 Right. 246 00:09:23,280 --> 00:09:26,240 And the default answer is no. 247 00:09:26,240 --> 00:09:31,840 So whether you're asking for a date, a favor, even a raise at work, you're starting from 248 00:09:31,840 --> 00:09:33,160 that place of resistance. 249 00:09:33,160 --> 00:09:34,160 Okay. 250 00:09:34,160 --> 00:09:40,920 So the key is to figure out how to turn that no into a yes through emotional intelligence 251 00:09:40,920 --> 00:09:43,320 and understanding those subtle cues. 252 00:09:43,320 --> 00:09:48,840 So reading the situation, yeah, being perceptive, adjusting your approach. 253 00:09:48,840 --> 00:09:49,840 Exactly. 254 00:09:49,840 --> 00:09:50,840 As needed. 255 00:09:50,840 --> 00:09:51,840 And Elias is mastering that skill. 256 00:09:51,840 --> 00:09:54,680 It is valuable not just for dating, but for your whole life. 257 00:09:54,680 --> 00:09:56,840 Like a secret decoder in for human interaction. 258 00:09:56,840 --> 00:09:57,840 Exactly. 259 00:09:57,840 --> 00:09:58,840 I love it. 260 00:09:58,840 --> 00:10:04,480 Now he talks about some common mistakes men make when approaching women, which he calls 261 00:10:04,480 --> 00:10:05,480 overcompensates. 262 00:10:05,480 --> 00:10:06,480 Overcompensation. 263 00:10:06,480 --> 00:10:07,480 Okay. 264 00:10:07,480 --> 00:10:11,040 So on one hand, you've got the guys who like hesitate for too long. 265 00:10:11,040 --> 00:10:12,960 They overthink everything and miss their chance. 266 00:10:12,960 --> 00:10:16,000 And then on the other hand, you've got the guys that come on way too strong. 267 00:10:16,000 --> 00:10:17,440 They get, you know, super drunk. 268 00:10:17,440 --> 00:10:18,440 They're too touchy. 269 00:10:18,440 --> 00:10:20,960 They're trying to force a connection that just isn't there. 270 00:10:20,960 --> 00:10:25,160 So finding that sweet spot between too timid and too strong. 271 00:10:25,160 --> 00:10:26,160 Yes. 272 00:10:26,160 --> 00:10:27,160 It's a delicate dance. 273 00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:28,160 It is. 274 00:10:28,160 --> 00:10:29,160 So what's the key? 275 00:10:29,160 --> 00:10:34,440 Well, he really stresses the importance of vibe, you know, that intangible quality that 276 00:10:34,440 --> 00:10:36,360 makes someone approachable and intriguing. 277 00:10:36,360 --> 00:10:43,360 So it's about approaching women in a way that's calm, open, confident, but not being 278 00:10:43,360 --> 00:10:45,880 aggressive, not making them feel pressured. 279 00:10:45,880 --> 00:10:50,880 So basically convey that you're interested, but respect their boundaries, let the interaction 280 00:10:50,880 --> 00:10:52,280 unfold naturally. 281 00:10:52,280 --> 00:10:53,280 Exactly. 282 00:10:53,280 --> 00:10:58,240 So when he shares this tactic he used to use where he'd approach women with this line, 283 00:10:58,240 --> 00:11:00,240 I'm actually trying to get over my approach anxiety. 284 00:11:00,240 --> 00:11:01,240 How am I doing? 285 00:11:01,240 --> 00:11:02,240 Wait, seriously? 286 00:11:02,240 --> 00:11:03,560 He would just like admit his nervousness up front. 287 00:11:03,560 --> 00:11:04,560 Yeah, I know. 288 00:11:04,560 --> 00:11:07,000 It seems counterintuitive. 289 00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:08,240 But he says it worked really well. 290 00:11:08,240 --> 00:11:13,080 It showed vulnerability and a sense of humor, which disarmed women and made them feel more 291 00:11:13,080 --> 00:11:14,080 comfortable. 292 00:11:14,080 --> 00:11:17,840 So it goes against all the typical dating advice, but it's about being authentic. 293 00:11:17,840 --> 00:11:18,840 It is. 294 00:11:18,840 --> 00:11:19,840 And showing your true self. 295 00:11:19,840 --> 00:11:20,840 Yeah. 296 00:11:20,840 --> 00:11:21,840 Even if it's awkward. 297 00:11:21,840 --> 00:11:22,840 Even if it feels a little awkward. 298 00:11:22,840 --> 00:11:23,840 Okay. 299 00:11:23,840 --> 00:11:29,520 So we talked a lot about what men can do, but what about women? 300 00:11:29,520 --> 00:11:33,440 I mean, it's not always socially acceptable for them to make the first move. 301 00:11:33,440 --> 00:11:35,400 So what's Dr. Turbin's advice? 302 00:11:35,400 --> 00:11:41,960 Well, he reminds us that for most of history, women have been the initiators. 303 00:11:41,960 --> 00:11:44,440 Just in a more like subtle, indirect way. 304 00:11:44,440 --> 00:11:50,720 Like, you know that classic image of a Victorian lady dropping her handkerchief to get a gentleman's 305 00:11:50,720 --> 00:11:51,720 attention? 306 00:11:51,720 --> 00:11:52,720 Yeah. 307 00:11:52,720 --> 00:11:56,040 And it's an opportunity for interaction without being overly forward. 308 00:11:56,040 --> 00:11:58,080 Sending signals, giving the guy an open mind. 309 00:11:58,080 --> 00:11:59,080 Exactly. 310 00:11:59,080 --> 00:12:00,080 Okay. 311 00:12:00,080 --> 00:12:02,720 And he emphasizes the power of eye contact. 312 00:12:02,720 --> 00:12:07,720 A sustained gaze can be super alluring and a clear sign of interest without even saying 313 00:12:07,720 --> 00:12:08,720 a word. 314 00:12:08,720 --> 00:12:09,720 Oh, the come hither look. 315 00:12:09,720 --> 00:12:10,720 Exactly. 316 00:12:10,720 --> 00:12:15,080 And he points out how different the rules of engagement can be for men and women. 317 00:12:15,080 --> 00:12:17,360 Like, you know, sustained eye contact between two men. 318 00:12:17,360 --> 00:12:18,640 That can be seen as aggressive. 319 00:12:18,640 --> 00:12:19,640 Yeah. 320 00:12:19,640 --> 00:12:23,720 But a challenge, but between a man or a woman, it's flirtatious. 321 00:12:23,720 --> 00:12:24,720 It's all about context. 322 00:12:24,720 --> 00:12:25,720 It is. 323 00:12:25,720 --> 00:12:26,720 Wow. 324 00:12:26,720 --> 00:12:27,720 Okay. 325 00:12:27,720 --> 00:12:28,720 So we've been talking about all this. 326 00:12:28,720 --> 00:12:29,720 Like, it's almost a game, a transaction. 327 00:12:29,720 --> 00:12:30,720 Yeah. 328 00:12:30,720 --> 00:12:32,240 But where does love fit into all of this? 329 00:12:32,240 --> 00:12:33,240 That's the big question, right? 330 00:12:33,240 --> 00:12:34,240 Yeah. 331 00:12:34,240 --> 00:12:35,240 Is it just calculations and exchanges? 332 00:12:35,240 --> 00:12:36,240 Yeah. 333 00:12:36,240 --> 00:12:38,760 Well, Dr. Turbin has a very nuanced perspective on this. 334 00:12:38,760 --> 00:12:39,760 Correct. 335 00:12:39,760 --> 00:12:43,360 He recognizes that relationships do have this value exchange element. 336 00:12:43,360 --> 00:12:44,360 Yeah. 337 00:12:44,360 --> 00:12:45,960 But he goes beyond that simple view. 338 00:12:45,960 --> 00:12:46,960 Yeah. 339 00:12:46,960 --> 00:12:48,160 Of it being just a transaction. 340 00:12:48,160 --> 00:12:49,160 Okay. 341 00:12:49,160 --> 00:12:50,160 Like, an inquid pro quo. 342 00:12:50,160 --> 00:12:51,160 Exactly. 343 00:12:51,160 --> 00:12:54,360 He says we're drawn to people because they offer something we value. 344 00:12:54,360 --> 00:12:55,360 Right. 345 00:12:55,360 --> 00:13:00,200 And that could be sex, security, excitement, emotional support. 346 00:13:00,200 --> 00:13:01,200 All kinds of things. 347 00:13:01,200 --> 00:13:02,200 Right. 348 00:13:02,200 --> 00:13:03,200 All sorts of things. 349 00:13:03,200 --> 00:13:06,520 And I imagine, you know, men and women probably value different things. 350 00:13:06,520 --> 00:13:07,520 They do. 351 00:13:07,520 --> 00:13:08,520 At different points in their lives. 352 00:13:08,520 --> 00:13:09,520 Different stages. 353 00:13:09,520 --> 00:13:10,520 Yeah. 354 00:13:10,520 --> 00:13:11,520 Exactly. 355 00:13:11,520 --> 00:13:15,480 And this is where he brings in the concept of non-transactable goods or NTGs. 356 00:13:15,480 --> 00:13:16,480 Non-transactable goods. 357 00:13:16,480 --> 00:13:17,480 Okay. 358 00:13:17,480 --> 00:13:18,480 Tell me more. 359 00:13:18,480 --> 00:13:20,560 So, in turn, they have to be given freely. 360 00:13:20,560 --> 00:13:21,560 Like what? 361 00:13:21,560 --> 00:13:26,360 Things like loyalty, friendship, and most importantly, love. 362 00:13:26,360 --> 00:13:29,560 Their gifts offered spontaneously. 363 00:13:29,560 --> 00:13:31,560 No strings attached. 364 00:13:31,560 --> 00:13:33,280 So you can't force someone to love you. 365 00:13:33,280 --> 00:13:37,200 You can't, no matter how hard you try or how much you do for them. 366 00:13:37,200 --> 00:13:38,880 No, it has to be freely given. 367 00:13:38,880 --> 00:13:39,880 Wow. 368 00:13:39,880 --> 00:13:43,960 And he warns against mistaking transactional behavior for these NTGs. 369 00:13:43,960 --> 00:13:44,960 Oh, yeah. 370 00:13:44,960 --> 00:13:47,200 It's easy to fall into that trap of giving to get. 371 00:13:47,200 --> 00:13:48,200 Yeah. 372 00:13:48,200 --> 00:13:49,560 And then you're going to be doing something truly and freely. 373 00:13:49,560 --> 00:13:51,480 And that can happen in relationships too, right? 374 00:13:51,480 --> 00:13:52,480 Absolutely. 375 00:13:52,480 --> 00:13:53,480 It becomes like a scorecard. 376 00:13:53,480 --> 00:13:54,480 It does. 377 00:13:54,480 --> 00:13:55,480 Who did what? 378 00:13:55,480 --> 00:13:56,480 For whom? 379 00:13:56,480 --> 00:13:57,480 Yeah. 380 00:13:57,480 --> 00:13:58,480 And that can erode the connection. 381 00:13:58,480 --> 00:13:59,480 Yeah. 382 00:13:59,480 --> 00:14:01,280 So how do we avoid falling into that trap? 383 00:14:01,280 --> 00:14:04,600 Focus on giving without expecting anything in return. 384 00:14:04,600 --> 00:14:06,880 You know, acting from a place of abundance. 385 00:14:06,880 --> 00:14:07,880 Okay. 386 00:14:07,880 --> 00:14:08,880 Not scarcity. 387 00:14:08,880 --> 00:14:09,880 Abundance, not scarcity. 388 00:14:09,880 --> 00:14:10,880 Exactly. 389 00:14:10,880 --> 00:14:11,880 Okay. 390 00:14:11,880 --> 00:14:15,400 Now, this brings us to a topic that people don't always want to talk about. 391 00:14:15,400 --> 00:14:16,400 Oh, juicy. 392 00:14:16,400 --> 00:14:18,720 But Dr. Turbin doesn't shy away from it. 393 00:14:18,720 --> 00:14:19,720 Yeah. 394 00:14:19,720 --> 00:14:22,520 The role of pornography in modern dating. 395 00:14:22,520 --> 00:14:23,520 Here we go. 396 00:14:23,520 --> 00:14:27,800 So he argues that pornography, and you know, platforms like OnlyFans, they offer a quick 397 00:14:27,800 --> 00:14:31,320 and easy way to satisfy certain desires. 398 00:14:31,320 --> 00:14:32,320 They do. 399 00:14:32,320 --> 00:14:38,520 But he's concerned about how this might be impacting our motivation for real life connection. 400 00:14:38,520 --> 00:14:39,520 Yeah. 401 00:14:39,520 --> 00:14:40,520 Okay. 402 00:14:40,520 --> 00:14:43,320 So it's like fast food versus a home cooked meal. 403 00:14:43,320 --> 00:14:44,320 I like that. 404 00:14:44,320 --> 00:14:45,320 That's a good analogy. 405 00:14:45,320 --> 00:14:46,320 Yeah. 406 00:14:46,320 --> 00:14:51,320 So it's a good example of sublimation, which is a term from psychoanalysis. 407 00:14:51,320 --> 00:14:52,320 Okay. 408 00:14:52,320 --> 00:14:54,000 So it's about channeling. 409 00:14:54,000 --> 00:14:59,840 Powerful, but potentially unacceptable impulses into things that are more socially acceptable. 410 00:14:59,840 --> 00:15:01,400 Can you give me an example? 411 00:15:01,400 --> 00:15:02,400 Sure. 412 00:15:02,400 --> 00:15:07,240 So imagine someone's feeling angry, frustrated, instead of, you know, yelling at their boss 413 00:15:07,240 --> 00:15:09,520 or their family, they go for a run. 414 00:15:09,520 --> 00:15:10,520 They hit the gym. 415 00:15:10,520 --> 00:15:11,520 Okay. 416 00:15:11,520 --> 00:15:14,360 They're channeling that energy into something positive. 417 00:15:14,360 --> 00:15:16,280 So how does that relate to pornography? 418 00:15:16,280 --> 00:15:17,680 Well, he's saying that. 419 00:15:17,680 --> 00:15:22,960 Historically, men have sublimated their sexual energy into all sorts of creative endeavors, 420 00:15:22,960 --> 00:15:26,280 careers, businesses, making art, things that contribute to society. 421 00:15:26,280 --> 00:15:27,280 Right. 422 00:15:27,280 --> 00:15:31,840 But he's concerned that pornography might be diminishing this drive. 423 00:15:31,840 --> 00:15:33,920 It's providing an easy outlet for those urges. 424 00:15:33,920 --> 00:15:36,960 So it's not that pornography is like inherently bad, right? 425 00:15:36,960 --> 00:15:41,200 But it might be like short circuiting that creative energy that could be going to other 426 00:15:41,200 --> 00:15:42,400 areas of life. 427 00:15:42,400 --> 00:15:47,760 He also recognizes that pornography can be problematic, you know, for individuals, especially 428 00:15:47,760 --> 00:15:52,800 if it becomes an addiction or gets in the way of forming healthy relationships. 429 00:15:52,800 --> 00:15:58,600 So being mindful of how you're using it, whether it's becoming a substitute for intimacy. 430 00:15:58,600 --> 00:16:00,560 He compares it to alcoholism. 431 00:16:00,560 --> 00:16:05,560 You know, they both provide temporary escape, but ultimately lead to isolation. 432 00:16:05,560 --> 00:16:07,520 And make it harder to connect with people. 433 00:16:07,520 --> 00:16:08,520 Exactly. 434 00:16:08,520 --> 00:16:13,200 And it's about taking the easy way out rather than doing the work to build something real. 435 00:16:13,200 --> 00:16:14,720 It's about taking the easy way out. 436 00:16:14,720 --> 00:16:15,720 Yeah. 437 00:16:15,720 --> 00:16:20,720 Instead of embracing the challenge and the reward of building something real and lasting. 438 00:16:20,720 --> 00:16:21,720 Okay. 439 00:16:21,720 --> 00:16:23,080 So let's talk about keeping a partner long term. 440 00:16:23,080 --> 00:16:24,080 Okay. 441 00:16:24,080 --> 00:16:25,080 What's the secret? 442 00:16:25,080 --> 00:16:26,160 Well, yeah. 443 00:16:26,160 --> 00:16:30,440 He stresses the importance of moving past that initial fantasy stage. 444 00:16:30,440 --> 00:16:31,440 Right. 445 00:16:31,440 --> 00:16:33,000 And revealing your true self. 446 00:16:33,000 --> 00:16:38,200 So taking off the mask, letting your partner see the real you flaws and all. 447 00:16:38,200 --> 00:16:39,200 Exactly. 448 00:16:39,200 --> 00:16:44,440 He calls it slow and gradual disappointment, which sounds a little harsh, but he argues 449 00:16:44,440 --> 00:16:47,640 that it's crucial for authentic connection. 450 00:16:47,640 --> 00:16:48,640 So it's scary. 451 00:16:48,640 --> 00:16:49,640 Yeah. 452 00:16:49,640 --> 00:16:53,560 But it's also kind of liberating to be seen for who you really are. 453 00:16:53,560 --> 00:16:54,560 Exactly. 454 00:16:54,560 --> 00:16:55,560 Okay. 455 00:16:55,560 --> 00:16:59,800 And this leads to what he calls the crisis of disappointment, which could be a turning 456 00:16:59,800 --> 00:17:01,560 point in a relationship. 457 00:17:01,560 --> 00:17:07,240 It's when the initial infatuation fades and you really start to see your partner for 458 00:17:07,240 --> 00:17:08,600 who they truly are. 459 00:17:08,600 --> 00:17:11,520 Like love is blind, but marriage is an eye opener. 460 00:17:11,520 --> 00:17:12,520 Exactly. 461 00:17:12,520 --> 00:17:13,520 Okay. 462 00:17:13,520 --> 00:17:15,840 But he sees this crisis as an opportunity. 463 00:17:15,840 --> 00:17:21,400 It's a chance to decide if you want to build something real based on who they are, not 464 00:17:21,400 --> 00:17:22,880 who you thought they were. 465 00:17:22,880 --> 00:17:28,800 So moving from fantasy to reality and choosing to embrace the complexity of real relationship. 466 00:17:28,800 --> 00:17:32,960 And along with that, he emphasizes the need for novelty. 467 00:17:32,960 --> 00:17:36,360 Even in long-term monogamous relationships, you got to keep things interesting. 468 00:17:36,360 --> 00:17:37,360 Okay. 469 00:17:37,360 --> 00:17:40,640 How do you keep the spark alive after the honeymoon phase is over? 470 00:17:40,640 --> 00:17:43,800 Travel, new experiences, even just being playful. 471 00:17:43,800 --> 00:17:46,480 He jokes about how foreign bedsheets can spice things up. 472 00:17:46,480 --> 00:17:47,480 I love that. 473 00:17:47,480 --> 00:17:48,960 It's the little things. 474 00:17:48,960 --> 00:17:49,960 Sometimes it is. 475 00:17:49,960 --> 00:17:53,040 He also points out that absence makes the heart grow fonder. 476 00:17:53,040 --> 00:17:59,640 Even in a world where we're constantly connected, creating space for longing, for anticipation 477 00:17:59,640 --> 00:18:01,040 can be really powerful. 478 00:18:01,040 --> 00:18:02,040 Yeah. 479 00:18:02,040 --> 00:18:04,000 You don't know what you've got till it's gone. 480 00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:05,000 Exactly. 481 00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:09,920 He ends his to this discussion about monogamy and whether it's even natural for humans. 482 00:18:09,920 --> 00:18:10,920 Okay. 483 00:18:10,920 --> 00:18:13,040 Challenge my assumptions. 484 00:18:13,040 --> 00:18:17,280 So he believes humans are probably more monogamish. 485 00:18:17,280 --> 00:18:18,280 Monogamish. 486 00:18:18,280 --> 00:18:22,040 Meaning we have the capacity for it, but it's not necessarily our default setting. 487 00:18:22,040 --> 00:18:24,840 So it's a choice, not like a biological imperative. 488 00:18:24,840 --> 00:18:25,840 Right. 489 00:18:25,840 --> 00:18:31,900 And he suggests that monogamy actually benefits men more from a purely like utilitarian standpoint. 490 00:18:31,900 --> 00:18:32,900 Okay. 491 00:18:32,900 --> 00:18:33,900 I'm not sure I follow. 492 00:18:33,900 --> 00:18:38,920 I'm not a monogamous society where there's one woman for every man, even the worst man 493 00:18:38,920 --> 00:18:40,320 are guaranteed to find a partner. 494 00:18:40,320 --> 00:18:41,320 Oh, interesting. 495 00:18:41,320 --> 00:18:42,320 Like a safety net. 496 00:18:42,320 --> 00:18:43,320 It is. 497 00:18:43,320 --> 00:18:44,320 So everyone has a chance at finding love. 498 00:18:44,320 --> 00:18:45,320 Exactly. 499 00:18:45,320 --> 00:18:46,320 Okay. 500 00:18:46,320 --> 00:18:47,840 And this brings us back to relationships as a value exchange. 501 00:18:47,840 --> 00:18:48,840 Right. 502 00:18:48,840 --> 00:18:50,720 He uses the classic gold digger example. 503 00:18:50,720 --> 00:18:52,120 Ooh, okay. 504 00:18:52,120 --> 00:18:53,600 Money can't buy you love. 505 00:18:53,600 --> 00:18:56,160 Well, he says that on the surface. 506 00:18:56,160 --> 00:19:02,000 It might look like one person is just trading their youth and beauty for financial security. 507 00:19:02,000 --> 00:19:08,520 But he argues that even in those seemingly unequal partnerships, there's still an exchange 508 00:19:08,520 --> 00:19:10,360 of value happening. 509 00:19:10,360 --> 00:19:12,320 The oldie partner is getting something out of it too. 510 00:19:12,320 --> 00:19:13,320 Okay. 511 00:19:13,320 --> 00:19:19,560 Whether it's an ego boost, the feeling of being desired or just the companionship of 512 00:19:19,560 --> 00:19:20,560 an attractive partner. 513 00:19:20,560 --> 00:19:24,800 So it's more complicated than just one person exploiting the other. 514 00:19:24,800 --> 00:19:25,800 Yeah. 515 00:19:25,800 --> 00:19:26,800 There's a more complex dynamic there. 516 00:19:26,800 --> 00:19:27,800 Okay. 517 00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:31,680 And he points out that men often prioritize physical attractiveness. 518 00:19:31,680 --> 00:19:32,680 Yeah. 519 00:19:32,680 --> 00:19:35,760 While women tend to value things like status, resources, stability. 520 00:19:35,760 --> 00:19:36,960 Different currencies at play. 521 00:19:36,960 --> 00:19:37,960 Exactly. 522 00:19:37,960 --> 00:19:38,960 Got it. 523 00:19:38,960 --> 00:19:42,640 And this leads to his observation about how we perceive the value of men and women in 524 00:19:42,640 --> 00:19:43,640 relationships. 525 00:19:43,640 --> 00:19:44,640 Okay. 526 00:19:44,640 --> 00:19:45,640 This is interesting. 527 00:19:45,640 --> 00:19:50,280 So he says, it's often easier to assess a woman's value based on her physical attractiveness. 528 00:19:50,280 --> 00:19:51,480 It's immediately apparent. 529 00:19:51,480 --> 00:19:52,480 Right. 530 00:19:52,480 --> 00:19:53,480 It's visual. 531 00:19:53,480 --> 00:19:54,480 It's right there. 532 00:19:54,480 --> 00:19:55,480 Yeah. 533 00:19:55,480 --> 00:19:56,480 Beauty is in the eye at the beholder. 534 00:19:56,480 --> 00:19:59,480 But it's also very visible and judged with men. 535 00:19:59,480 --> 00:20:01,440 It's more complicated. 536 00:20:01,440 --> 00:20:06,000 Their value might be tied to their career, their finances, their personality, qualities 537 00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:08,120 that aren't always obvious right away. 538 00:20:08,120 --> 00:20:10,040 You can't judge a book by its cover. 539 00:20:10,040 --> 00:20:11,040 You can't. 540 00:20:11,040 --> 00:20:16,960 And I've definitely seen that phenomenon where a woman's attractiveness can actually 541 00:20:16,960 --> 00:20:18,560 boost a man's status. 542 00:20:18,560 --> 00:20:19,560 Right. 543 00:20:19,560 --> 00:20:21,000 Like the arm candy phenomenon. 544 00:20:21,000 --> 00:20:25,080 People assume that if a guy's with a very attractive woman, he must be successful or 545 00:20:25,080 --> 00:20:26,080 powerful. 546 00:20:26,080 --> 00:20:27,080 Yeah. 547 00:20:27,080 --> 00:20:28,080 It's a halo effect. 548 00:20:28,080 --> 00:20:29,080 It is. 549 00:20:29,080 --> 00:20:31,400 But you can't make assumptions about his worth just based on who he's with. 550 00:20:31,400 --> 00:20:32,400 Absolutely not. 551 00:20:32,400 --> 00:20:33,400 Okay. 552 00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:39,400 So what advice does Dr. Turvin offer to people who are struggling to find lasting love? 553 00:20:39,400 --> 00:20:40,600 What's the secret? 554 00:20:40,600 --> 00:20:44,200 His advice is actually pretty simple, but powerful. 555 00:20:44,200 --> 00:20:46,240 He says, date like it's your job. 556 00:20:46,240 --> 00:20:47,240 Wait, what? 557 00:20:47,240 --> 00:20:48,600 Like send out resumes? 558 00:20:48,600 --> 00:20:49,600 No, not literally. 559 00:20:49,600 --> 00:20:50,600 Okay. 560 00:20:50,600 --> 00:20:54,800 But approach it with the same intention, effort, strategy as you would a job search. 561 00:20:54,800 --> 00:20:55,800 So be proactive. 562 00:20:55,800 --> 00:20:56,800 Yeah. 563 00:20:56,800 --> 00:20:58,600 Don't just sit around waiting for love to appear. 564 00:20:58,600 --> 00:20:59,600 Exactly. 565 00:20:59,600 --> 00:21:07,280 Because too many people have this idealized vision of a relationship that's, you know, 566 00:21:07,280 --> 00:21:11,760 loving, secure, peaceful, but they're not willing to put in the work. 567 00:21:11,760 --> 00:21:13,720 You can't win the lottery if you don't buy a ticket. 568 00:21:13,720 --> 00:21:14,720 You can't. 569 00:21:14,720 --> 00:21:15,720 So hard. 570 00:21:15,720 --> 00:21:18,040 Finding a great relationship is like finding a great job. 571 00:21:18,040 --> 00:21:20,680 It takes effort, persistence. 572 00:21:20,680 --> 00:21:22,120 You got to face rejection. 573 00:21:22,120 --> 00:21:23,520 Be willing to put yourself out there. 574 00:21:23,520 --> 00:21:24,520 Yeah. 575 00:21:24,520 --> 00:21:25,520 Okay. 576 00:21:25,520 --> 00:21:27,400 He also emphasizes overcoming the fear of rejection. 577 00:21:27,400 --> 00:21:29,360 It's part of the process. 578 00:21:29,360 --> 00:21:33,760 The more you put yourself out there, the more likely you are to find someone who's a good 579 00:21:33,760 --> 00:21:34,760 fit. 580 00:21:34,760 --> 00:21:36,280 You miss a hundred percent of the shots you don't take. 581 00:21:36,280 --> 00:21:37,280 There you go. 582 00:21:37,280 --> 00:21:44,400 And he acknowledges that we're living in a challenging time for dating and relationships. 583 00:21:44,400 --> 00:21:45,400 Yeah. 584 00:21:45,400 --> 00:21:49,360 He points to technology, dating apps, social media, even AI. 585 00:21:49,360 --> 00:21:51,840 They're changing the game of ways we don't even fully understand yet. 586 00:21:51,840 --> 00:21:52,840 Yeah. 587 00:21:52,840 --> 00:21:55,840 It's like we're in uncharted territory and the rules are constantly changing. 588 00:21:55,840 --> 00:21:56,840 Right. 589 00:21:56,840 --> 00:21:57,840 But he's hopeful. 590 00:21:57,840 --> 00:21:58,840 He is. 591 00:21:58,840 --> 00:21:59,840 Yeah. 592 00:21:59,840 --> 00:22:00,840 He thinks we'll figure it out. 593 00:22:00,840 --> 00:22:01,840 We always do. 594 00:22:01,840 --> 00:22:02,840 Okay. 595 00:22:02,840 --> 00:22:05,680 We'll find new ways to connect and create meaningful relationships. 596 00:22:05,680 --> 00:22:06,680 Love will find a way. 597 00:22:06,680 --> 00:22:08,240 It will. 598 00:22:08,240 --> 00:22:14,560 But he stresses the importance of being aware of the potential pitfalls. 599 00:22:14,560 --> 00:22:19,440 The instant gratification of pornography, the choice overload of dating apps. 600 00:22:19,440 --> 00:22:21,720 So being mindful of how we're using technology. 601 00:22:21,720 --> 00:22:22,720 Exactly. 602 00:22:22,720 --> 00:22:26,040 Making sure it's enhancing our lives, not making it harder to connect. 603 00:22:26,040 --> 00:22:27,040 Exactly. 604 00:22:27,040 --> 00:22:28,040 Okay. 605 00:22:28,040 --> 00:22:29,960 So he's talking to me at a conversation with a really interesting point, right? 606 00:22:29,960 --> 00:22:30,960 Yeah. 607 00:22:30,960 --> 00:22:32,160 About the fluff of relationships. 608 00:22:32,160 --> 00:22:33,160 Fluff. 609 00:22:33,160 --> 00:22:34,160 What's that? 610 00:22:34,160 --> 00:22:39,160 He means all that stuff we're told is important for a happy relationship. 611 00:22:39,160 --> 00:22:45,600 The fancy dates, the big romantic gestures, the pressure to share every single interest. 612 00:22:45,600 --> 00:22:49,520 But he thinks that might actually be getting in the way of real connection. 613 00:22:49,520 --> 00:22:52,960 Like cutting through all the noise, focusing on what matters. 614 00:22:52,960 --> 00:22:53,960 Exactly. 615 00:22:53,960 --> 00:22:59,280 And he stresses the idea that you need to constantly communicate and analyze every detail 616 00:22:59,280 --> 00:23:00,280 of the relationship. 617 00:23:00,280 --> 00:23:04,240 If you're meeting each other's needs, a lot of that fluff just becomes unnecessary. 618 00:23:04,240 --> 00:23:06,600 It's like actions speak louder than words. 619 00:23:06,600 --> 00:23:07,600 Right. 620 00:23:07,600 --> 00:23:12,800 He thinks it's often more effective to communicate through what you do rather than what you say. 621 00:23:12,800 --> 00:23:14,600 So showing up in meaningful ways. 622 00:23:14,600 --> 00:23:15,600 Exactly. 623 00:23:15,600 --> 00:23:21,000 And then he asks this really provocative question at the end of the conversation. 624 00:23:21,000 --> 00:23:28,800 He says, imagine if all the societal expectations and all that fluff were stripped away, what 625 00:23:28,800 --> 00:23:31,640 would your ideal relationship actually look like? 626 00:23:31,640 --> 00:23:32,640 That's a good one. 627 00:23:32,640 --> 00:23:34,400 It makes you think about it. 628 00:23:34,400 --> 00:23:37,720 What's truly important to you and what you're willing to compromise on. 629 00:23:37,720 --> 00:23:38,720 Exactly. 630 00:23:38,720 --> 00:23:43,080 He wants people to identify their non-negotiables, the things they absolutely won't budge on. 631 00:23:43,080 --> 00:23:44,080 The deal breakers. 632 00:23:44,080 --> 00:23:45,080 Yeah. 633 00:23:45,080 --> 00:23:50,960 He also suggests that some needs might actually be better met outside of a romantic relationship. 634 00:23:50,960 --> 00:23:52,560 Oh, interesting. 635 00:23:52,560 --> 00:23:55,160 So like not expecting your partner to be your everything. 636 00:23:55,160 --> 00:23:56,160 Right. 637 00:23:56,160 --> 00:23:57,160 He uses his own life as an example. 638 00:23:57,160 --> 00:23:58,160 Yeah. 639 00:23:58,160 --> 00:24:01,400 He realized he was looking for a partner to fulfill all of his intellectual and spiritual 640 00:24:01,400 --> 00:24:02,400 needs. 641 00:24:02,400 --> 00:24:07,080 But he could get those things from friends, mentors, other relationships. 642 00:24:07,080 --> 00:24:08,680 So diversifying your social portfolio. 643 00:24:08,680 --> 00:24:09,680 Yeah. 644 00:24:09,680 --> 00:24:10,680 I like that. 645 00:24:10,680 --> 00:24:11,680 Okay. 646 00:24:11,680 --> 00:24:13,000 He says it can actually take pressure off the romantic relationship. 647 00:24:13,000 --> 00:24:14,000 Makes sense. 648 00:24:14,000 --> 00:24:17,200 It allows it to be a space for things that are unique to that connection. 649 00:24:17,200 --> 00:24:20,680 So recognizing that, yeah, your romantic partner can't be everything. 650 00:24:20,680 --> 00:24:21,680 Right. 651 00:24:21,680 --> 00:24:22,680 And that's okay. 652 00:24:22,680 --> 00:24:23,680 It's okay. 653 00:24:23,680 --> 00:24:26,680 It's about building a life with lots of different meaningful relationships. 654 00:24:26,680 --> 00:24:27,680 Exactly. 655 00:24:27,680 --> 00:24:34,680 Now, Dr. Turbin's views on dating and relationships, they're definitely thought provoking. 656 00:24:34,680 --> 00:24:37,720 And he's not afraid to challenge conventional wisdom. 657 00:24:37,720 --> 00:24:38,720 He's not. 658 00:24:38,720 --> 00:24:39,720 But his insights come from. 659 00:24:39,720 --> 00:24:40,720 Yeah. 660 00:24:40,720 --> 00:24:44,600 His clinical experience, you know, and a deep understanding of human psychology. 661 00:24:44,600 --> 00:24:46,640 It's a lot to unpack, that's for sure. 662 00:24:46,640 --> 00:24:51,600 But it raises all these important questions about how we approach love and connection 663 00:24:51,600 --> 00:24:52,600 in the modern world. 664 00:24:52,600 --> 00:24:53,760 It does. 665 00:24:53,760 --> 00:24:57,120 Before we move on to listener questions, I have a thought that's been kind of swirling 666 00:24:57,120 --> 00:24:58,120 in my head. 667 00:24:58,120 --> 00:25:02,840 Dr. Turbin talks a lot about understanding your value in a relationship and being willing 668 00:25:02,840 --> 00:25:04,520 to give more to get more. 669 00:25:04,520 --> 00:25:09,200 But what happens when we start seeing love as just an economic transaction? 670 00:25:09,200 --> 00:25:10,920 Does that take away some of the magic? 671 00:25:10,920 --> 00:25:11,920 That's a great question. 672 00:25:11,920 --> 00:25:15,720 And one we're definitely going to explore in the next part of this episode. 673 00:25:15,720 --> 00:25:17,160 Stay tuned, everyone. 674 00:25:17,160 --> 00:25:19,000 We're just getting started. 675 00:25:19,000 --> 00:25:21,960 Yeah, it's like you want that solid foundation. 676 00:25:21,960 --> 00:25:22,960 Yeah. 677 00:25:22,960 --> 00:25:27,160 But you also want those sparks, those moments that make you feel alive. 678 00:25:27,160 --> 00:25:29,040 It's like both are so essential. 679 00:25:29,040 --> 00:25:33,000 I mean, we're wired for connection and exploration, right? 680 00:25:33,000 --> 00:25:35,720 And those things don't just vanish when you're in a relationship. 681 00:25:35,720 --> 00:25:36,720 They don't. 682 00:25:36,720 --> 00:25:37,960 So it's like, how do they work together? 683 00:25:37,960 --> 00:25:42,360 It's like that rilke quote, love consists of this two solitudes protecting and touching 684 00:25:42,360 --> 00:25:43,360 and greeting each other. 685 00:25:43,360 --> 00:25:44,360 Oh, that's a good one. 686 00:25:44,360 --> 00:25:48,760 You need your own space to grow, but also that shared space to connect. 687 00:25:48,760 --> 00:25:54,200 And I think honestly, the balance is going to be different for every couple. 688 00:25:54,200 --> 00:25:55,200 Of course. 689 00:25:55,200 --> 00:25:57,560 There's no one size fits all answer. 690 00:25:57,560 --> 00:26:00,240 What matters is that both people feel like their needs are met. 691 00:26:00,240 --> 00:26:08,000 So if one person's idea of adventure is skydiving every weekend and the other is more of a cozy 692 00:26:08,000 --> 00:26:10,920 night in kind of person, that's going to be a problem. 693 00:26:10,920 --> 00:26:11,920 That's going to be a problem. 694 00:26:11,920 --> 00:26:15,160 It's not about forcing your partner into your version of excitement. 695 00:26:15,160 --> 00:26:17,080 Maybe you compromise, you know? 696 00:26:17,080 --> 00:26:21,200 One weekend you jump out of a plane, the next you try a new cooking class together. 697 00:26:21,200 --> 00:26:22,200 Yeah. 698 00:26:22,200 --> 00:26:23,520 Find that middle ground. 699 00:26:23,520 --> 00:26:24,520 Exactly. 700 00:26:24,520 --> 00:26:26,080 And this all comes back to communication. 701 00:26:26,080 --> 00:26:27,080 Always. 702 00:26:27,080 --> 00:26:30,760 Not just at the beginning of a relationship, but all the time. 703 00:26:30,760 --> 00:26:31,760 All throughout. 704 00:26:31,760 --> 00:26:32,760 Yeah. 705 00:26:32,760 --> 00:26:37,040 Because what thrilled you five years ago might not do it for you now. 706 00:26:37,040 --> 00:26:41,680 And if you're not checking in with each other, right, you're both going to end up feeling 707 00:26:41,680 --> 00:26:42,680 unfulfilled. 708 00:26:42,680 --> 00:26:45,960 So it's not just about the big define the relationship conversations. 709 00:26:45,960 --> 00:26:48,440 It's the smaller check-ins too. 710 00:26:48,440 --> 00:26:49,440 Exactly. 711 00:26:49,440 --> 00:26:50,880 Those little moments matter. 712 00:26:50,880 --> 00:26:51,880 Okay. 713 00:26:51,880 --> 00:26:55,600 Maybe once a month you have like a relationship state of the union. 714 00:26:55,600 --> 00:26:56,760 Oh, I like that. 715 00:26:56,760 --> 00:26:58,360 What's working, what's not. 716 00:26:58,360 --> 00:26:59,360 What are you craving? 717 00:26:59,360 --> 00:27:00,360 Yeah. 718 00:27:00,360 --> 00:27:01,440 And it could be fun too. 719 00:27:01,440 --> 00:27:04,400 Like what crazy thing are we going to do next month? 720 00:27:04,400 --> 00:27:06,120 How can we shake things up this week? 721 00:27:06,120 --> 00:27:07,120 Yeah. 722 00:27:07,120 --> 00:27:08,120 It feels like you're a team then. 723 00:27:08,120 --> 00:27:09,120 Exactly. 724 00:27:09,120 --> 00:27:10,120 Working on it together. 725 00:27:10,120 --> 00:27:11,120 And that's what it should feel like. 726 00:27:11,120 --> 00:27:13,400 I keep thinking about what we talked about earlier. 727 00:27:13,400 --> 00:27:19,640 That whole idea of like evaluating your return on investment in love. 728 00:27:19,640 --> 00:27:21,680 Because I mean, part of me agrees. 729 00:27:21,680 --> 00:27:22,680 You should know your worth. 730 00:27:22,680 --> 00:27:23,680 You shouldn't settle. 731 00:27:23,680 --> 00:27:24,680 Absolutely. 732 00:27:24,680 --> 00:27:28,360 But if you're constantly keeping score, it's not really love then, is it? 733 00:27:28,360 --> 00:27:30,000 It's a business deal. 734 00:27:30,000 --> 00:27:31,000 That's the tension, right? 735 00:27:31,000 --> 00:27:32,000 Yeah. 736 00:27:32,000 --> 00:27:34,000 I think it comes down to how you're approaching it. 737 00:27:34,000 --> 00:27:36,120 Are you coming from a place of scarcity? 738 00:27:36,120 --> 00:27:37,120 Okay. 739 00:27:37,120 --> 00:27:39,480 Like you're afraid of being taken advantage of? 740 00:27:39,480 --> 00:27:40,480 Yeah. 741 00:27:40,480 --> 00:27:42,560 Or is it about self-respect? 742 00:27:42,560 --> 00:27:43,560 Okay. 743 00:27:43,560 --> 00:27:46,720 Knowing you have something special to offer. 744 00:27:46,720 --> 00:27:48,560 And wanting someone who appreciates that. 745 00:27:48,560 --> 00:27:49,760 That's a good point. 746 00:27:49,760 --> 00:27:54,000 Because if you're coming from that fear, you're going to be looking for reasons to feel short 747 00:27:54,000 --> 00:27:55,000 change. 748 00:27:55,000 --> 00:27:56,000 Exactly. 749 00:27:56,000 --> 00:27:57,000 It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. 750 00:27:57,000 --> 00:27:58,000 Yeah. 751 00:27:58,000 --> 00:28:04,160 But if you come from abundance, knowing your worth, but also believing there's enough love 752 00:28:04,160 --> 00:28:05,160 out there. 753 00:28:05,160 --> 00:28:06,160 Yeah. 754 00:28:06,160 --> 00:28:11,200 And it's less about keeping score and more about finding a reciprocal flow. 755 00:28:11,200 --> 00:28:12,840 Reciprocal flow, I like that. 756 00:28:12,840 --> 00:28:15,320 Love shouldn't be a constant negotiation. 757 00:28:15,320 --> 00:28:17,400 It should feel like a natural exchange. 758 00:28:17,400 --> 00:28:22,960 Where both people are giving and receiving in a way that feels balanced. 759 00:28:22,960 --> 00:28:23,960 Balance fulfilling. 760 00:28:23,960 --> 00:28:24,960 Yeah. 761 00:28:24,960 --> 00:28:28,920 And that ties back to Dr. Turpin's point about radical responsibility. 762 00:28:28,920 --> 00:28:33,000 For your own happiness, it's not your partner's job to make you happy. 763 00:28:33,000 --> 00:28:38,520 Yeah, it's easy to think if only they would do this, then I'd be happy. 764 00:28:38,520 --> 00:28:40,080 But that's giving them all the power. 765 00:28:40,080 --> 00:28:41,080 Exactly. 766 00:28:41,080 --> 00:28:42,680 You have to take charge of your own well-being. 767 00:28:42,680 --> 00:28:44,480 So taking care of yourself. 768 00:28:44,480 --> 00:28:45,480 Yes. 769 00:28:45,480 --> 00:28:46,840 Physically, emotionally, mentally. 770 00:28:46,840 --> 00:28:48,320 All of it. 771 00:28:48,320 --> 00:28:50,520 Having your own interests, your own friends. 772 00:28:50,520 --> 00:28:53,760 Not expecting your partner to fulfill every single need. 773 00:28:53,760 --> 00:28:56,000 And that makes me think of what we talked about before. 774 00:28:56,000 --> 00:28:58,840 Some needs are better met outside of a romantic relationship. 775 00:28:58,840 --> 00:28:59,840 Exactly. 776 00:28:59,840 --> 00:29:04,600 So what kind of friend you geek out with about books or a mentor who helps you with your 777 00:29:04,600 --> 00:29:05,600 career stuff. 778 00:29:05,600 --> 00:29:07,640 It takes the pressure off the relationship. 779 00:29:07,640 --> 00:29:08,640 It does. 780 00:29:08,640 --> 00:29:12,040 Allows you to focus on the things that are unique to that connection. 781 00:29:12,040 --> 00:29:15,280 So your partner is one piece of the puzzle. 782 00:29:15,280 --> 00:29:17,160 One piece, not the whole thing. 783 00:29:17,160 --> 00:29:18,440 Not the whole thing. 784 00:29:18,440 --> 00:29:23,720 And when you have a full life outside the relationship, you bring more to the table. 785 00:29:23,720 --> 00:29:24,720 You do. 786 00:29:24,720 --> 00:29:26,440 More energy, more experiences. 787 00:29:26,440 --> 00:29:29,720 You're not expecting them to be your only source of everything. 788 00:29:29,720 --> 00:29:30,720 Why? 789 00:29:30,720 --> 00:29:32,240 Entertainment, support, all of that. 790 00:29:32,240 --> 00:29:35,040 You're a whole person coming to the relationship. 791 00:29:35,040 --> 00:29:38,680 That takes us back to dating like it's your job. 792 00:29:38,680 --> 00:29:39,680 It does. 793 00:29:39,680 --> 00:29:43,520 When you're actively pursuing things you love, building a life you're excited about, you're 794 00:29:43,520 --> 00:29:44,920 going to be more attracted. 795 00:29:44,920 --> 00:29:46,280 You're going to attract people. 796 00:29:46,280 --> 00:29:47,280 Yeah. 797 00:29:47,280 --> 00:29:49,000 It's like, you can't pour from an empty cup. 798 00:29:49,000 --> 00:29:50,000 I love that. 799 00:29:50,000 --> 00:29:51,400 You have to fill your own cup first. 800 00:29:51,400 --> 00:29:52,400 Yeah. 801 00:29:52,400 --> 00:29:53,880 Before you can share it with someone else. 802 00:29:53,880 --> 00:29:55,920 Dr. Turbin's insights are challenging. 803 00:29:55,920 --> 00:29:56,920 AR. 804 00:29:56,920 --> 00:29:58,440 But also really liberating. 805 00:29:58,440 --> 00:29:59,440 AR. 806 00:29:59,440 --> 00:30:03,960 And encouraging us to take control, be intentional about the relationships we create. 807 00:30:03,960 --> 00:30:04,960 And never settle. 808 00:30:04,960 --> 00:30:05,960 Never settle. 809 00:30:05,960 --> 00:30:07,600 For less than you deserve. 810 00:30:07,600 --> 00:30:08,600 So much to think about. 811 00:30:08,600 --> 00:30:09,600 There is. 812 00:30:09,600 --> 00:30:14,720 But it gives us a framework, you know, for understanding the complexities of modern love. 813 00:30:14,720 --> 00:30:16,640 It's about understanding the dynamics. 814 00:30:16,640 --> 00:30:17,640 Yeah. 815 00:30:17,640 --> 00:30:18,920 Knowing your worth. 816 00:30:18,920 --> 00:30:20,000 And putting in the effort. 817 00:30:20,000 --> 00:30:21,520 To create the connection you want. 818 00:30:21,520 --> 00:30:23,640 Well, that was a deep dive. 819 00:30:23,640 --> 00:30:24,640 It was. 820 00:30:24,640 --> 00:30:25,640 Thanks for joining us, everyone. 821 00:30:25,640 --> 00:30:29,200 We hope you found it insightful, thought-provoking. 822 00:30:29,200 --> 00:30:31,280 Maybe even a little inspiring. 823 00:30:31,280 --> 00:30:35,360 And as always, keep the conversation going in our online community. 824 00:30:35,360 --> 00:30:36,680 You'd love to hear your thoughts. 825 00:30:36,680 --> 00:30:38,400 On this ever-evolving topic. 826 00:30:38,400 --> 00:30:59,360 Until next time, keep diving deep.