WEBVTT

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His Imperial Majesty Kaiser Adolf von Hitler

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the Hohenzollern of Germany traveled to my family

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home in Yerrigan to check if Mr. and Mrs. Webb

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really lived there in early 1972. He was planning

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to check if my parents could have a technically

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eligible baby for his imperial family, provided

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the information he had was correct and they really

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lived there. He used the details he found in

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Births, Deaths and Marriages, Victoria, Australia

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that he looked up to see if my mother got married

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when she was around 18, of which there was only

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one entry. My father Kevin G. Webb marrying my

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mother Judith M. Marslan on the 3rd of May, 1958

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in Moe, Victoria, Australia. that entry included

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the family home address at 27 campbell street

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yarragan victoria australia he thought it was

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hilarious to go to the family home on the 18th

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of january as that date was a german imperial

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public holiday and national day commemorating

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my imperial family becoming the constitutional

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monarchy of germany in 1871 kaiser adolf one

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brought an employee of his to australia who was

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paid to come along on the trip his mechanic and

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handyman mr b they met in around 1962 and kaiser

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adolf wolfgang to italians employed him for as

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a mechanic and handyman four jobs he needed done

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particularly restoring and repairing cars kaiser

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adolf purchased which were left to me in his

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italian estate they spent quite a bit of time

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together but were never sexually partnered on

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an ongoing basis in any way mr b had been sent

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to italy from france to attempt to spy on adolf

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he ended up getting the job as mechanic and handyman

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They parked outside my family home in Yerrigan,

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on what was going to be a severely hot day over

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100 degrees Fahrenheit, hours after I had already

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been born at approximately 5 .45 AM that morning.

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It was around lunchtime, between 12 and 1 PM,

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on the 18th of January. Kaiser Adolf went to

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the front door to knock and check if anyone was

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home. There was no answer. He looked around like

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he was strangely familiar with the place, went

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around the veranda, checked the back door, and

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could not find anyone there, and headed back

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towards the car. on his way back to the car he

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saw a nice looking man across the road bending

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over in his garden who had been watching him

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whilst he was trying to find out if anyone was

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home and had a good look at him the man stood

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up and turned around they looked at each other

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and both smiled and my father's across the road

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neighbor said are you looking for kevin and judith

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i want to make it clear kaiser adolph was skeptically

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going to the address from australian marriage

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records not even knowing if mr and mrs webb even

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really lived there thinking it was probably an

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attempt at a cruel practical joke of sorts he

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came here for a look at gippsland like a tourist

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and a laugh my great -grandfather kaiser adolf

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one paused in shock at the question then in a

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broad faked australian accent he could not stop

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attempting said yeah cynically like if it was

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a practical joke it was getting more elaborate

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our neighbor replied with they're not home she's

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having a baby you could try the local hospital

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in worrigal she went in last night he was quite

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excited about my father kevin having another

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child and politely gave him friendly directions

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and they were on their way towards worrigal The

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instructions were to take the Prince's Highway,

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go past the Worrigal Cattle Yards, turn left,

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and head south towards the hospital on the hill,

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can't miss it, big obvious building on the hill

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with a big chimney. They drove through Dunham

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and Milmer, and headed for Worrigal, seeing the

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hospital to the south on the hill to the left.

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Kaiser Adolf I and the mechanic headed towards

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the hospital, and turned left to go up the hill

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to it. They arrived and parked in the car park,

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with a Mr. B staying in the car. Kaiser Adolf

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I went to reception in the lower part of the

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hospital at 1 and and asked, with a skeptical

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grin, if Mr. and Mrs. Webb were at the hospital,

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who were having a baby. he was asked what relationship

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he was to mr and mrs webb and replied with i'm

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the great grandfather meaning of the baby he

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was directed to the second floor of the other

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end of the building he went to the other end

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of the hospital and headed inside as he went

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in he had garbled strange female screeching noises

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kaiser adolph one headed up the same stairs my

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father kevin did before sunrise but in unbelievably

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hot after lunch conditions and hearing the noise

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of a screeching screaming woman getting louder

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as he went up the stairs when he got to the top

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of the stairs my mother screeched in a garbled

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out of control tongue exhausted way kill it kill

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it have you got a gun just fucking shoot it or

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something and etc she had been yelling like a

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lunatic since my father kevin left the hospital

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to go back to work around 6 a .m for over seven

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hours a few topics with few variations on repeat

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the whole time i was dead in the sink across

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from the stairs not breathing with no pulse my

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heart had stopped whilst kaiser adolf was climbing

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the stairs I was being held under the water by

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yet another grunting thing, probably on drugs,

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possibly doing an impersonation of his own of

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what the baby from 1944 would have looked and

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behaved like when adult, who had something clearly

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missing, called Slobodan Praljak. I only found

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out who he was after he committed a very public

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suicide. He replied to my mother who was through

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the doors in a room she had been in since morning,

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no, I don't have a gun, as if everything was

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fine, I was dead, no need to panic, everything

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was under control. Kaiser Adolf once said, what

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the fuck is she screaming that for? What is she

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screaming that for? then casually brain scanned

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her for injury and pain and said she's not in

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pain or anything what is she screaming like that

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for mr praljak saw a little silhouette of a man

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reflected in a backsplash of the sink let me

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go thinking i was dead and panicked thinking

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he was busted with a dead baby and a screaming

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lunatic people pretending to be hospital staff

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drugs etc he started making hurried excuses why

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she was yelling including claiming she was just

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exhausted but could not speak english well enough

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to communicate what he was trying to say and

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headed towards her to shut her up when kaiser

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adolf said and what are you doing he headed directly

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to my mother through the doors to try to shut

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her up even put his hand over her mouth kaiser

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adolf one noticed something in the sink bubbling

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a little as he got closer he realized it was

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a baby me and then hurriedly reached in grabbed

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me and pulled me out in both hands extremely

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gently he recognized his dna was in there somewhere

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when he touched my bare skin with his hands and

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held me out there was a very heartfelt and sad

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oh no how awful the poor little child he noticed

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i was not breathing and maybe dead but i was

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not cold and was seeming to move slightly or

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be strangely not totally dead So, he started

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CPR immediately and tried to revive me. Kaiser

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Adolf Hitler the Hohenzollern held me upside

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down trying to get water out of my lungs, then

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realized that was wasting time. He then flipped

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me up and held me in one hand, bending me over

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backwards, holding my head and neck with his

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two forefingers so that my head was tilted back

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and my airway was open in the palm of his hand.

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He reached in and found my heart muscles with

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his two other forefingers under my underdeveloped

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ribs with his fingers almost crossed at the tips

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and started pumping my heart muscles as gently

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as he could with the tips of his fingers and

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then breathed in my mouth. he repeated this getting

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more rhythmical almost getting a foot tapping

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thing going on and as he did i seemed to get

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more responsive he kept going until i started

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trying to breathe on my own and started making

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noise and then he felt my heart restart under

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his fingertips when it became clear he had revived

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me he said at what seemed an annoyingly loud

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volume on multiple levels zig hailed a young

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baby and was instantly absolutely thrilled with

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himself He decided it was best to quietly walk

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off with me just to make sure I was okay and

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take me away from the grunting thing who clearly

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nearly totally killed me in the sink who was

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through the doors with my mother pleading her

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to shut up and putting his hand over her mouth

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to try to magically make her shut up with a hand

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signal. Kaiser Adolf wandered off with me thinking

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he better find a place to hide me and keep me

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safe in case the man who drowned me came looking

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for me to finish me off after returning to the

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sink and noticing I wasn't dead in it. He took

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me into a small medical storage room similar

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to a closet closed the door then checked if the

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door could be secured. He sat down in the storage

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room and held me up against his chest gently

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with both hands with me lying down sideways on

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and tried to make sure I was breathing properly.

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He described what my heart should be beating

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like to me trying to calm me down telling me

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I would be fine. The storage room was almost

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totally sealed tight and completely dark apart

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from the light of the clear hot summer day coming

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through under the door. He started speaking to

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me quietly saying he wouldn't let anyone hurt

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me I'd be fine and tried to keep me quiet to

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avoid attracting the attention of the man who

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drowned me to the medical storage room. He got

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the usual are you going to be present for the

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birth like newborn question from me the equivalent

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of and who might you be kind sir. He paused very

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quietly sighed and said quietly and slowly my

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name is Kaiser Adolf Hitler but I'm really a

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Hohenzollern and I won't let anybody hurt you.

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He then tried to think of a similar situation

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he had been in to talk to me about to make me

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feel better and keep me quiet running through

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memories to find one. the registration documents

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for me were initially partially filled in by

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a nurse who was part of the afternoon shift who

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asked my mother for relevant details then completed

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fully by my father kevin after he arrived back

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at the hospital sometime after 10 p .m the day

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i was born they did not get the registration

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forms out until mid -afternoon after a change

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of hospital staff had occurred and that was hours

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after my two triplet siblings were already gone