WEBVTT 00:00:01.680 --> 00:00:04.660 Welcome to The Educational Dilemma. I'm your 00:00:04.660 --> 00:00:06.660 host Emma Goldsmith, Head of the Dragon School 00:00:06.660 --> 00:00:10.000 in Oxford. Thank you for listening. In this edition 00:00:10.000 --> 00:00:12.519 of The Educational Dilemma, we're talking about 00:00:12.519 --> 00:00:16.039 the complexities of friendship. I'm joined with 00:00:16.039 --> 00:00:18.800 three teachers who are also parents, which hopefully 00:00:18.800 --> 00:00:21.579 will help you navigate and support your children 00:00:21.579 --> 00:00:23.760 as they go through the ups and downs of their 00:00:23.760 --> 00:00:28.370 friendships. So welcome to this edition of The 00:00:28.370 --> 00:00:31.530 Educational Dilemma. And today we are talking 00:00:31.530 --> 00:00:33.909 about friendship and particularly the complexity 00:00:33.909 --> 00:00:37.090 of friendship for young people. And I am joined 00:00:37.090 --> 00:00:41.149 by three very experienced teachers who are going 00:00:41.149 --> 00:00:42.850 to introduce themselves. So Andrew, do you want 00:00:42.850 --> 00:00:44.979 to introduce yourself? Of course. My name is 00:00:44.979 --> 00:00:48.219 Andrew Whitty and I am a head of year seven currently, 00:00:48.380 --> 00:00:51.140 as well as a science teacher. And I've been a 00:00:51.140 --> 00:00:53.840 house parent for 10 years in a previous life 00:00:53.840 --> 00:00:57.119 as well. So I've come across many friendship 00:00:57.119 --> 00:01:00.859 interactions with children over the years. Wonderful. 00:01:00.979 --> 00:01:03.899 And Emily? Hi, I'm Emily Falvey and I'm head 00:01:03.899 --> 00:01:07.040 of year one. And so I do a lot of the kind of 00:01:07.040 --> 00:01:09.560 early friendship side of things, which is a really 00:01:09.560 --> 00:01:13.319 important part. And Lucy. Hello, I'm Lucy and 00:01:13.319 --> 00:01:16.819 I currently run a girls boarding house for year 00:01:16.819 --> 00:01:19.879 eight girls. Obviously dealing with friendship 00:01:19.879 --> 00:01:23.980 issues and problems throughout the years. And 00:01:23.980 --> 00:01:27.060 hopefully we'll be able to impart some wise words. 00:01:27.159 --> 00:01:29.319 I'm sure you will. I mean, let's start. If you 00:01:29.319 --> 00:01:32.849 think about your own friendship groups. And where 00:01:32.849 --> 00:01:34.689 your friendships, your deep friendships have 00:01:34.689 --> 00:01:36.109 come from? Where did they come from? Did they 00:01:36.109 --> 00:01:37.730 come from school? Did they come from university? 00:01:37.930 --> 00:01:39.689 Did they come from, you know, people that you've 00:01:39.689 --> 00:01:41.590 met after university? I mean, Emily, if you look 00:01:41.590 --> 00:01:43.069 at your friendship group, where did they come 00:01:43.069 --> 00:01:46.069 from? Yeah, I'd say I have quite a span from 00:01:46.069 --> 00:01:48.510 different areas of my life, as opposed to maybe 00:01:48.510 --> 00:01:51.989 having five really core friends. We did six years 00:01:51.989 --> 00:01:54.269 out in Hong Kong and some of my best friends 00:01:54.269 --> 00:01:56.269 have... come from there from meeting them there 00:01:56.269 --> 00:01:57.810 and I think part of that was the fact that we'd 00:01:57.810 --> 00:02:00.370 all moved abroad yeah um and everyone knew what 00:02:00.370 --> 00:02:02.530 it was like to be living somewhere without family 00:02:02.530 --> 00:02:05.230 near um and so your friends very quickly became 00:02:05.230 --> 00:02:08.430 like family to you um so that's been kind of 00:02:08.430 --> 00:02:11.250 a big part of my friendship circle um but then 00:02:11.250 --> 00:02:15.490 equally through university and then also um Lucy's 00:02:15.490 --> 00:02:17.469 one of my really great friends um and that's 00:02:17.469 --> 00:02:20.129 come from our husbands both being best mates 00:02:20.129 --> 00:02:23.449 and then Lucy's then been part of that as well 00:02:23.449 --> 00:02:27.110 and so met later in life at that point yeah andrew 00:02:27.110 --> 00:02:29.490 where do your friendship groups come by assuming 00:02:29.490 --> 00:02:31.389 you've got some friends i think i've got the 00:02:31.389 --> 00:02:34.759 odd couple yes indeed um A lot of my really core 00:02:34.759 --> 00:02:38.639 friends actually came from primary school. Some 00:02:38.639 --> 00:02:41.199 of my friends then moved on to two separate schools. 00:02:41.580 --> 00:02:44.400 But that really core group of friends came from 00:02:44.400 --> 00:02:46.379 primary school, then from secondary school. And 00:02:46.379 --> 00:02:47.960 then as I moved on through life, I've got some 00:02:47.960 --> 00:02:50.039 friends from different parts of the country that 00:02:50.039 --> 00:02:52.939 I live in. And having lived in Oxford for almost 00:02:52.939 --> 00:02:55.000 20 years now, I've got a really good core group 00:02:55.000 --> 00:02:59.099 of friends, almost from a place of work. But 00:02:59.099 --> 00:03:01.500 I know if I ever go home to Scotland that I've 00:03:01.500 --> 00:03:03.180 got the same group of friends that I might. not 00:03:03.180 --> 00:03:06.539 speak to over perhaps for four or five six years 00:03:06.539 --> 00:03:08.580 and we go back and things just slot straight 00:03:08.580 --> 00:03:10.939 back into place and that's when you know you've 00:03:10.939 --> 00:03:12.979 got a really good strong friendship yeah that 00:03:12.979 --> 00:03:14.780 is amazing when you do that home thing and you 00:03:14.780 --> 00:03:16.819 can just walk anywhere and suddenly you slip 00:03:16.819 --> 00:03:19.060 into those easy friendships what about you lucy 00:03:19.060 --> 00:03:21.419 what's your friendship look like um very similar 00:03:21.419 --> 00:03:24.840 to andrew actually um i'm gonna call them my 00:03:24.840 --> 00:03:27.159 home girls from bath from when i was at school 00:03:27.960 --> 00:03:30.500 And we just formed the most amazing friendship. 00:03:30.639 --> 00:03:32.819 And our parents always say, oh, the best thing 00:03:32.819 --> 00:03:34.939 about your education was what you came out with. 00:03:34.979 --> 00:03:37.960 And that was your friends really made those friends 00:03:37.960 --> 00:03:40.300 for life. A little bit intimidating for other 00:03:40.300 --> 00:03:43.099 halves trying to come in. I'm sure. Yeah. Trying 00:03:43.099 --> 00:03:46.219 to break the circle. But we're a very, very tight 00:03:46.219 --> 00:03:48.319 ship. Yeah. It is interesting, isn't it? Because, 00:03:48.360 --> 00:03:49.879 I mean, I think about my own friendships as well. 00:03:49.939 --> 00:03:52.039 And I think it is that time where there is an 00:03:52.039 --> 00:03:54.620 intensity that you do draw on those friendships. 00:03:54.680 --> 00:03:57.159 And I can think of particularly working in school. 00:03:57.289 --> 00:03:59.949 where you are in the trenches together and you 00:03:59.949 --> 00:04:02.069 really form those friendships and your families 00:04:02.069 --> 00:04:03.969 are living close by. So you're kind of having 00:04:03.969 --> 00:04:07.710 all of those kind of the mixed experiences together. 00:04:07.930 --> 00:04:09.770 And particularly when your children are young, 00:04:09.870 --> 00:04:11.530 I think you make quite close friendships with 00:04:11.530 --> 00:04:13.110 people who are going through the same thing. 00:04:14.460 --> 00:04:17.040 So obviously we are in education and part of 00:04:17.040 --> 00:04:20.139 what we do is really support those children with 00:04:20.139 --> 00:04:22.879 their friendships. I guess if I can start with 00:04:22.879 --> 00:04:24.560 you, Emily, you're dealing with the children 00:04:24.560 --> 00:04:27.769 when they're very young. What do you think? their 00:04:27.769 --> 00:04:29.930 perception of friendship is when they talk about 00:04:29.930 --> 00:04:31.870 having friends what do you think they mean who 00:04:31.870 --> 00:04:35.050 they play with that day yes and I think that's 00:04:35.050 --> 00:04:36.949 quite an important part to know is that their 00:04:36.949 --> 00:04:38.709 friendships at this age they're not necessarily 00:04:38.709 --> 00:04:42.509 really based on conversation it's all play -based 00:04:42.509 --> 00:04:44.470 and it's who's interested in the same things 00:04:44.470 --> 00:04:47.550 whether that be football and it can change week 00:04:47.550 --> 00:04:49.889 to week and who is their best friend for two 00:04:49.889 --> 00:04:52.399 days they then don't play with again for the 00:04:52.399 --> 00:04:56.220 next month. So I think it's so interchangeable 00:04:56.220 --> 00:04:58.779 the whole time. And it's, yeah, it's based on 00:04:58.779 --> 00:05:00.819 who they play with and what they're playing with 00:05:00.819 --> 00:05:03.740 and that thing at that precise time. But I mean, 00:05:03.740 --> 00:05:06.040 the concept of best friend, where do you think 00:05:06.040 --> 00:05:10.079 it comes from? It is horrendous, isn't it? I 00:05:10.079 --> 00:05:12.980 wonder why they want that. I think sometimes 00:05:12.980 --> 00:05:15.800 parents slip into it. And I think parents say, 00:05:15.839 --> 00:05:17.660 you know, who's your favourite person to play 00:05:17.660 --> 00:05:19.180 with? Who did you play with today? And if it's 00:05:19.180 --> 00:05:20.379 the same person for a few days, oh, are they 00:05:20.379 --> 00:05:23.259 your best friend? And I think we impart some 00:05:23.259 --> 00:05:25.819 of that onto them as well. And then they feel 00:05:25.819 --> 00:05:27.600 that if they have an argument with that person, 00:05:27.720 --> 00:05:29.699 you know, one disagreement, they can't ever be 00:05:29.699 --> 00:05:31.660 friends again. And that kind of, you know, my 00:05:31.660 --> 00:05:34.860 best friend is over. So that kind of like understanding 00:05:34.860 --> 00:05:37.129 that you can... have an argument with someone 00:05:37.129 --> 00:05:38.569 you can have a disagreement with someone but 00:05:38.569 --> 00:05:40.730 you can still be friends after yeah it's quite 00:05:40.730 --> 00:05:42.910 an important thing that we have to teach they 00:05:42.910 --> 00:05:45.629 have to kind of navigate so at what age do you 00:05:45.629 --> 00:05:49.670 think they they start to understand that um that 00:05:49.670 --> 00:05:51.889 kind of delicacy I guess in that in understanding 00:05:51.889 --> 00:05:54.029 that kind of friendship um I think there is a 00:05:54.029 --> 00:05:55.870 bit of a difference between girls and boys on 00:05:55.870 --> 00:06:00.250 it I think girls um with their friendships it 00:06:00.250 --> 00:06:02.610 can become quite intense quite quickly and they 00:06:02.610 --> 00:06:06.149 find it harder to forgive and to move on and 00:06:06.149 --> 00:06:08.670 to, you know, to be able to rebuild those friendships 00:06:08.670 --> 00:06:10.810 where the boys, I mean, this is obviously very 00:06:10.810 --> 00:06:12.730 stereotypical, but it does tend to play out in 00:06:12.730 --> 00:06:15.490 the classroom. The boys tend to be able to move 00:06:15.490 --> 00:06:18.990 on much quicker and then regain those friendships 00:06:18.990 --> 00:06:24.370 faster. Yeah. I mean, we see them kind of going 00:06:24.370 --> 00:06:26.790 through, don't we, of their different kind of 00:06:26.790 --> 00:06:29.750 ages and stages. And I guess with both you, Andrew 00:06:29.750 --> 00:06:31.670 and Lucy, you're dealing with sort of that kind 00:06:31.670 --> 00:06:35.490 of pre -teen stage. And I mean, do you recognise 00:06:35.490 --> 00:06:37.430 this idea of best friends, Andrew, or by the 00:06:37.430 --> 00:06:38.949 time they've got to year seven, have they kind 00:06:38.949 --> 00:06:42.810 of evolved a bit? I think most children, just 00:06:42.810 --> 00:06:46.230 as... young human beings i think we all really 00:06:46.230 --> 00:06:49.129 have a sense we want to feel belong belonging 00:06:49.129 --> 00:06:51.750 somewhere and i think having that sense of a 00:06:51.750 --> 00:06:54.970 good friend can make us feel really really secure 00:06:54.970 --> 00:06:57.110 whether that's one or two or three friends so 00:06:57.110 --> 00:06:59.569 i think certainly as we progress on through a 00:06:59.569 --> 00:07:02.350 school and the older children get um there still 00:07:02.350 --> 00:07:05.509 is that sense of a wanting of a best friend but 00:07:05.509 --> 00:07:07.949 sometimes it might not just be that one individual 00:07:07.949 --> 00:07:09.990 you might have more of a kind of core friendship 00:07:09.990 --> 00:07:14.540 group and i think it maybe evolves from that 00:07:14.540 --> 00:07:17.259 person who you're playing with that day to perhaps 00:07:17.259 --> 00:07:19.839 those people who have the same kind of core values 00:07:19.839 --> 00:07:22.879 as you they might do similar types of activities 00:07:22.879 --> 00:07:25.980 um and i suppose there's a bit more of a trust 00:07:25.980 --> 00:07:28.620 you build up with your friends uh the older you 00:07:28.620 --> 00:07:31.800 get as well um so yeah and similar lines to what 00:07:31.800 --> 00:07:35.100 um emily's explained but i think there is a natural 00:07:35.100 --> 00:07:38.139 kind of evolution of friendships but yes inherently 00:07:38.139 --> 00:07:41.600 i think we all really want that good person we 00:07:41.600 --> 00:07:44.019 can confide in yeah trust is an interesting yeah 00:07:44.019 --> 00:07:46.000 trust is a really interesting point I mean Lucy 00:07:46.000 --> 00:07:48.060 is there a tendency you know when you first become 00:07:48.060 --> 00:07:51.279 a parent that you that parents want to sort of 00:07:51.279 --> 00:07:53.379 manipulate friends I use the word manipulation 00:07:53.379 --> 00:07:55.519 as if it's a negative but you know do they want 00:07:55.519 --> 00:07:58.399 to curate their child's friendship or how as 00:07:58.399 --> 00:08:00.990 a parent can you manage that without you know, 00:08:01.009 --> 00:08:04.350 getting too involved? I guess every family manages 00:08:04.350 --> 00:08:08.810 friendships so differently. I think it's really 00:08:08.810 --> 00:08:11.029 important and something that I'll talk to the 00:08:11.029 --> 00:08:14.170 children in my house about is making sure you 00:08:14.170 --> 00:08:16.350 are trying to be true to yourself and true to 00:08:16.350 --> 00:08:20.490 your family's beliefs. And actually, I think... 00:08:20.990 --> 00:08:23.490 Parents will have a huge influence on their children, 00:08:23.589 --> 00:08:26.850 but they're still that individual person and 00:08:26.850 --> 00:08:29.810 it's important for them to find their own way, 00:08:29.990 --> 00:08:32.129 which can be really difficult because there are 00:08:32.129 --> 00:08:33.909 a lot of friendships, particularly with girls, 00:08:33.990 --> 00:08:39.250 that become very toxic and you see lots of unkindness 00:08:39.250 --> 00:08:42.830 and sort of mean girl behaviour. And as a parent, 00:08:42.850 --> 00:08:45.830 it's very difficult to stand back and know that 00:08:45.830 --> 00:08:48.559 your child might be... being treated unfairly 00:08:48.559 --> 00:08:53.379 or unkindly and I guess it's difficult not to 00:08:53.379 --> 00:08:56.620 step in and try and fight those fires and say 00:08:56.620 --> 00:08:59.399 well don't hang out with that person but it's 00:08:59.399 --> 00:09:02.820 really a case of learning as a child and trying 00:09:02.820 --> 00:09:06.779 to make decisions that they believe in rather 00:09:06.779 --> 00:09:08.620 than what their parents might believe. It's so 00:09:08.620 --> 00:09:10.019 true. And we talk about friendship, but actually 00:09:10.019 --> 00:09:12.240 it's relationships, isn't it? That they're learning 00:09:12.240 --> 00:09:14.720 and they're rehearsing even from that young stage. 00:09:15.179 --> 00:09:17.799 And I think there's a tendency when we are adults 00:09:17.799 --> 00:09:19.860 with young children is you come together because 00:09:19.860 --> 00:09:22.259 you get on with the adults. And then if your 00:09:22.259 --> 00:09:24.600 children don't get on, there's a kind of sense 00:09:24.600 --> 00:09:26.860 of social embarrassment, isn't it? Oh my, why 00:09:26.860 --> 00:09:29.460 don't they get on? But in a way, isn't there 00:09:29.460 --> 00:09:31.799 a lesson there for children to realise that actually 00:09:31.799 --> 00:09:33.509 you can play with lots of different types? types 00:09:33.509 --> 00:09:35.570 of people and and there will be people that you 00:09:35.570 --> 00:09:37.690 don't necessarily get on with but you can still 00:09:37.690 --> 00:09:39.970 have a relationship with I mean does that you're 00:09:39.970 --> 00:09:42.450 nodding Emily does that sound familiar so true 00:09:42.450 --> 00:09:44.570 isn't it and in terms of it's so good for them 00:09:44.570 --> 00:09:46.149 to be able to play with all different types of 00:09:46.149 --> 00:09:48.470 children as well I mean we always say in our 00:09:48.470 --> 00:09:50.690 class classroom it is better to have lots of 00:09:50.690 --> 00:09:54.009 friends than just one friend and try and widen 00:09:54.009 --> 00:09:56.509 your experiences as much as possible and I think 00:09:56.509 --> 00:09:59.320 as parents as well the more you push, the more 00:09:59.320 --> 00:10:01.259 they're likely to push against you. And if you 00:10:01.259 --> 00:10:03.320 try and push a friendship the whole time, I think 00:10:03.320 --> 00:10:06.399 quite often it can, the opposite materialises. 00:10:06.659 --> 00:10:08.980 Kids are quite quick to pick up on that. I think 00:10:08.980 --> 00:10:10.720 there are lots of things parents can do to help 00:10:10.720 --> 00:10:13.360 in terms of if you have a child who has found 00:10:13.360 --> 00:10:15.580 it difficult to make friends, you know, having 00:10:15.580 --> 00:10:17.980 playdates with other children is a great way 00:10:17.980 --> 00:10:20.519 to get that out of school connections, relationships 00:10:20.519 --> 00:10:25.080 going. But I think trying to... pursue certain 00:10:25.080 --> 00:10:27.580 children and to pick certain children is a bit 00:10:27.580 --> 00:10:30.460 of a recipe for disaster, I think. Yeah. And 00:10:30.460 --> 00:10:31.980 what about, I mean, because, you know, some children 00:10:31.980 --> 00:10:35.340 are quite shy and it takes them a while. And 00:10:35.340 --> 00:10:38.039 I do wonder whether, you know, again, it's that 00:10:38.039 --> 00:10:39.779 sort of projection of parents to think, well, 00:10:39.799 --> 00:10:41.299 they've got to have friends. Whereas actually 00:10:41.299 --> 00:10:44.120 some children are very happy having time on their 00:10:44.120 --> 00:10:45.899 own. I mean, Andrew, even the older children, 00:10:45.960 --> 00:10:49.360 how do we as a parent, do you think, manage that 00:10:49.360 --> 00:10:51.519 situation for your child? doesn't really want 00:10:51.519 --> 00:10:53.740 to have any friends or isn't interested in that 00:10:53.740 --> 00:10:55.659 friendship group? Is it important that they have 00:10:55.659 --> 00:10:59.080 friends? I think all children, especially the 00:10:59.080 --> 00:11:02.720 older they get, they will naturally find relationships 00:11:02.720 --> 00:11:06.279 with where they feel comfortable. And I think 00:11:06.279 --> 00:11:10.039 as a parent, if you try and push it, then it 00:11:10.039 --> 00:11:12.279 can make, I suppose, the child feel a little 00:11:12.279 --> 00:11:14.879 bit uncomfortable and it just doesn't feel like 00:11:14.879 --> 00:11:16.899 the right fit. I mean, friendships essentially 00:11:16.899 --> 00:11:19.580 are like... pieces of a jigsaw sometimes they'll 00:11:19.580 --> 00:11:21.440 go together really well and build up a lovely 00:11:21.440 --> 00:11:24.000 picture other times they just don't sit or they 00:11:24.000 --> 00:11:27.220 don't gel particularly well um and i think having 00:11:27.220 --> 00:11:29.220 the confidence in your child and just opening 00:11:29.220 --> 00:11:31.159 up conversations with your child to make sure 00:11:31.159 --> 00:11:33.620 that they know that they can come to you with 00:11:33.620 --> 00:11:37.259 um with any um i suppose any of the issues or 00:11:37.259 --> 00:11:39.279 any of the concerns they might have speak to 00:11:39.279 --> 00:11:42.620 a friend with about um And then, as Emily mentioned, 00:11:42.700 --> 00:11:44.980 just trying to find those commonalities that 00:11:44.980 --> 00:11:47.220 children might have with each other. Friendships 00:11:47.220 --> 00:11:49.840 will gradually grow. Some just take more time 00:11:49.840 --> 00:11:52.519 than others. That's okay. And it is true about 00:11:52.519 --> 00:11:55.120 kind of maybe putting them, if a child is struggling, 00:11:55.379 --> 00:11:59.279 is to find out what they love. I mean, a good 00:11:59.279 --> 00:12:02.220 example, I think, in school at the minute is, 00:12:02.299 --> 00:12:04.200 you know, children who enjoy Dungeons and Dragons. 00:12:04.480 --> 00:12:06.860 Now, that is not a game that every child really 00:12:06.860 --> 00:12:09.620 enjoys, but you feel that the group of children 00:12:09.620 --> 00:12:12.450 who kind of, go towards that, really love it. 00:12:12.490 --> 00:12:13.990 And the friendships kind of come out of that. 00:12:14.129 --> 00:12:17.330 And I guess it's true in a boarding setting. 00:12:18.080 --> 00:12:19.740 where children are spending a lot of time together. 00:12:19.820 --> 00:12:23.259 Do you feel that the kind of the groups emerge 00:12:23.259 --> 00:12:25.899 due to what they are interested in, Lucy? Yeah, 00:12:25.940 --> 00:12:28.480 absolutely. I think particularly with sort of 00:12:28.480 --> 00:12:32.460 going up through the years, they do naturally 00:12:32.460 --> 00:12:35.539 find these connections and their bonds. I am 00:12:35.539 --> 00:12:38.080 a big believer that friendships should evolve 00:12:38.080 --> 00:12:41.600 naturally. I think particularly with girls, again, 00:12:41.740 --> 00:12:44.980 they really try and force some friendships. because 00:12:44.980 --> 00:12:47.799 someone might be seen as the popular person or 00:12:47.799 --> 00:12:51.539 the popular group and and it's a very classic 00:12:51.539 --> 00:12:55.080 thing that we see every year is that you see 00:12:55.080 --> 00:12:57.539 children trying or desperately wanting to be 00:12:57.539 --> 00:13:00.159 friends with someone and then if they've got 00:13:00.159 --> 00:13:03.759 the opportunities elsewhere they can make friends 00:13:03.759 --> 00:13:05.899 in in lots of different spheres and actually 00:13:05.899 --> 00:13:08.279 I think it's having the confidence that it's 00:13:08.669 --> 00:13:11.509 for them to know that they don't have to be in 00:13:11.509 --> 00:13:13.190 a certain group. But that's really difficult 00:13:13.190 --> 00:13:15.370 to understand, especially as a teenager, because 00:13:15.370 --> 00:13:18.990 being a popular one is so important to them. 00:13:19.269 --> 00:13:21.070 And it's such a painful process for them, isn't 00:13:21.070 --> 00:13:23.370 it, when they feel rejected or whatever. So I 00:13:23.370 --> 00:13:26.570 guess, I mean, there's never a straight pathway. 00:13:27.090 --> 00:13:29.690 And particularly with young children, how can 00:13:29.690 --> 00:13:33.720 parents... help children when things do go wrong, 00:13:33.799 --> 00:13:35.659 Emily? What would be your advice to parents when 00:13:35.659 --> 00:13:38.440 clearly there is a relationship that perhaps 00:13:38.440 --> 00:13:41.460 there is an unbalance of power, for example, 00:13:41.460 --> 00:13:43.740 where maybe a parent feels that someone's not 00:13:43.740 --> 00:13:46.539 being very kind to their child? What advice do 00:13:46.539 --> 00:13:48.120 you give to parents about how to deal with that? 00:13:48.519 --> 00:13:50.539 I think there's different parts to it. There's 00:13:50.539 --> 00:13:52.559 the listening to them and just giving them space 00:13:52.559 --> 00:13:56.990 to talk. like validating their feelings particularly 00:13:56.990 --> 00:14:00.309 my eldest child um he sometimes finds it difficult 00:14:00.309 --> 00:14:03.570 to start those conversations and I will instead 00:14:03.570 --> 00:14:05.830 tell a story of when I was a child which may 00:14:05.830 --> 00:14:08.309 or may not have happened um and talk about something 00:14:08.309 --> 00:14:10.330 similar to what I know what kind of is going 00:14:10.330 --> 00:14:13.129 on and that usually leads the conversation into 00:14:13.129 --> 00:14:15.429 him then being able to open up properly about 00:14:15.429 --> 00:14:18.889 what is happening um and maybe that it's then 00:14:18.889 --> 00:14:22.470 breaking down the barriers a little bit um to 00:14:22.470 --> 00:14:24.870 be able to express it properly um but yeah I 00:14:24.870 --> 00:14:26.649 think listening to them validating their feelings 00:14:26.649 --> 00:14:29.399 and you can't always be the solution to everything 00:14:29.399 --> 00:14:32.759 but giving your child the space and you can give 00:14:32.759 --> 00:14:34.500 them advice but it doesn't necessarily have to 00:14:34.500 --> 00:14:36.440 be actually solving that problem but equally 00:14:36.440 --> 00:14:38.779 I think it's really important to speak to the 00:14:38.779 --> 00:14:41.320 class teacher at that point as well um because 00:14:41.320 --> 00:14:44.500 sometimes it can be very miscommunicated and 00:14:44.500 --> 00:14:46.820 you know I'm guilty of being that that parent 00:14:46.820 --> 00:14:49.299 who you go into mama bear mode and you know you're 00:14:49.299 --> 00:14:51.620 very protective of this child who is the center 00:14:51.620 --> 00:14:54.539 of everything to you um and actually if you just 00:14:54.539 --> 00:14:56.980 approach the teacher and say This has come home. 00:14:57.059 --> 00:14:59.759 Is this actually what happened? And quite often 00:14:59.759 --> 00:15:01.240 there's a different story on the other side of 00:15:01.240 --> 00:15:02.879 the story. So getting the full picture, I think, 00:15:02.879 --> 00:15:05.899 is really important. I mean, should you ever 00:15:05.899 --> 00:15:09.200 reach out to another parent before you go to 00:15:09.200 --> 00:15:13.250 the class teacher? And with older children, would 00:15:13.250 --> 00:15:15.090 that be something that you would advise a parent 00:15:15.090 --> 00:15:16.750 to do? Or should they always, if it's happening 00:15:16.750 --> 00:15:18.169 in school, this is obviously if it's happening 00:15:18.169 --> 00:15:20.190 in school. I suppose that's a really good example 00:15:20.190 --> 00:15:22.909 of where there's no one set answer that will 00:15:22.909 --> 00:15:26.330 fit every situation. If parents are quite... 00:15:26.559 --> 00:15:29.779 have a have a relationship already it might be 00:15:29.779 --> 00:15:31.759 useful to reach out to the other parents because 00:15:31.759 --> 00:15:34.240 parents can then support you can find out both 00:15:34.240 --> 00:15:36.899 sides of the story and then that might allow 00:15:36.899 --> 00:15:40.899 a further play date or something really simple 00:15:40.899 --> 00:15:42.700 to happen which then re -engages the children 00:15:43.480 --> 00:15:47.059 If it's to parents who just aren't or don't have 00:15:47.059 --> 00:15:49.639 a relationship at all, I think perhaps just informing 00:15:49.639 --> 00:15:53.080 class teacher or their form taker, their tutor, 00:15:53.240 --> 00:15:56.279 whichever is most relevant for that individual 00:15:56.279 --> 00:16:00.360 parent. I think it's always useful just to have 00:16:00.360 --> 00:16:04.100 an adult that's separate to the kind of friendship 00:16:04.100 --> 00:16:06.700 issue. I think that would certainly help. Helps, 00:16:06.700 --> 00:16:10.059 doesn't it? I mean, if we think about, we talk 00:16:10.059 --> 00:16:12.850 about girls and girls, I know boys' relationships 00:16:12.850 --> 00:16:15.169 are complex as well, but girls' relationships 00:16:15.169 --> 00:16:17.710 can become toxic quite quickly. Lucy, that's 00:16:17.710 --> 00:16:20.909 probably fair to say. And what should parents 00:16:20.909 --> 00:16:22.950 look out for? What are the kind of indications 00:16:22.950 --> 00:16:25.990 that maybe things are not right within relationships? 00:16:26.769 --> 00:16:30.139 Yeah, I guess. Parents know their children really 00:16:30.139 --> 00:16:32.980 well. So the most important thing would be to 00:16:32.980 --> 00:16:37.259 look for changes in your child's character. And 00:16:37.259 --> 00:16:40.460 again, as house parents and teachers, that's 00:16:40.460 --> 00:16:43.679 something that we observe as well. So if someone 00:16:43.679 --> 00:16:46.100 that's super outgoing is suddenly becoming quite 00:16:46.100 --> 00:16:48.860 insular, that would be a big red warning sign. 00:16:49.740 --> 00:16:53.019 Children can be incredibly manipulative towards 00:16:53.019 --> 00:16:57.070 one another. So, again, it's those big decisions 00:16:57.070 --> 00:16:59.950 or if my child really likes something and then 00:16:59.950 --> 00:17:02.570 suddenly really dislikes it or suddenly becomes 00:17:02.570 --> 00:17:05.049 really interested in things that's not something 00:17:05.049 --> 00:17:08.730 they've been exposed to. I guess it's having 00:17:08.730 --> 00:17:11.599 that open communication with your child. knowing 00:17:11.599 --> 00:17:14.839 them like all parents know their children and 00:17:14.839 --> 00:17:19.380 just really spotting early signs of any character 00:17:19.380 --> 00:17:21.759 change. And if you're worried, you know, it's 00:17:21.759 --> 00:17:23.680 good to talk to your partner about it. And of 00:17:23.680 --> 00:17:26.359 course, talk to the child about it as well, because 00:17:26.359 --> 00:17:28.660 they might be worried about it and they might 00:17:28.660 --> 00:17:33.710 not realize that they're changing. Because it 00:17:33.710 --> 00:17:35.569 is very difficult, isn't it? Particularly when 00:17:35.569 --> 00:17:37.390 you're reaching puberty and people are changing 00:17:37.390 --> 00:17:40.210 at different times. And you suddenly, a friend 00:17:40.210 --> 00:17:42.130 who's been someone you've always been able to 00:17:42.130 --> 00:17:44.150 communicate has changed. And suddenly you think, 00:17:44.210 --> 00:17:45.730 well, why are they reacting that way? And I think 00:17:45.730 --> 00:17:48.410 sometimes, particularly when you come through 00:17:48.410 --> 00:17:51.089 the younger years and boys and girls almost just 00:17:51.089 --> 00:17:52.930 sort of rub along together. And then suddenly 00:17:52.930 --> 00:17:55.859 there does feel a... a shift perhaps, you know, 00:17:55.859 --> 00:17:58.259 towards sort of year six, year seven, where they 00:17:58.259 --> 00:18:00.859 become much more aware that they are different. 00:18:01.059 --> 00:18:03.660 And Andrew, when, you know, we talk about having 00:18:03.660 --> 00:18:06.160 friendships with boys and girls, how can parents 00:18:06.160 --> 00:18:10.160 talk to their young people about that? It's okay 00:18:10.160 --> 00:18:12.160 just to be friends and not also start having 00:18:12.160 --> 00:18:13.700 that pressure. Oh, he's your boyfriend because 00:18:13.700 --> 00:18:15.359 you like spending time with him at break time. 00:18:15.500 --> 00:18:18.240 How can a parent kind of help with that? I think 00:18:18.240 --> 00:18:21.519 as Emily alluded to earlier, it's about just 00:18:21.519 --> 00:18:23.259 having those open communications, about using 00:18:23.259 --> 00:18:26.359 open questions. If there are issues within friendships 00:18:26.359 --> 00:18:28.319 or on the flip side, when things are going really 00:18:28.319 --> 00:18:30.420 well, asking about what goes really well, how 00:18:30.420 --> 00:18:34.299 does that person make you feel? If you were in 00:18:34.299 --> 00:18:36.140 that person's shoes, what would you do on this 00:18:36.140 --> 00:18:39.140 occasion? Sometimes drawing on your own life 00:18:39.140 --> 00:18:41.740 experiences can be kind of helpful. But again, 00:18:42.670 --> 00:18:45.410 as as adults we struggle to understand the dynamics 00:18:45.410 --> 00:18:48.910 of friendship so for younger children where they 00:18:48.910 --> 00:18:52.069 don't always have the words to talk about their 00:18:52.069 --> 00:18:53.990 emotions that can be incredibly tricky to try 00:18:53.990 --> 00:18:56.009 and get across so certainly just having that 00:18:56.009 --> 00:18:58.089 nice calm space where you can ask open questions 00:18:58.089 --> 00:19:01.809 and listening to your child not actively trying 00:19:01.809 --> 00:19:04.390 to solve the problem i think that can be hugely 00:19:04.390 --> 00:19:06.490 beneficial and you can find out a huge amount 00:19:06.490 --> 00:19:09.910 from your own children you often find out more 00:19:09.910 --> 00:19:12.250 than you thought you were going to i guess um 00:19:12.250 --> 00:19:14.470 when we talk about open questions and what does 00:19:14.470 --> 00:19:16.630 that mean i mean we all kind of know as teachers 00:19:16.630 --> 00:19:19.329 but as parents what is an open question so it's 00:19:19.329 --> 00:19:22.250 those types of questions where you're not leading 00:19:22.250 --> 00:19:26.829 the child down one set pathway so as I mentioned 00:19:26.829 --> 00:19:30.410 how are you feeling in that situation or what 00:19:30.410 --> 00:19:34.140 do you think ex feels about about this or when 00:19:34.140 --> 00:19:38.240 you when you act in this way or um how have you 00:19:38.240 --> 00:19:40.099 felt in the past when someone done this to you 00:19:40.099 --> 00:19:42.119 and essentially you're leaving the question there 00:19:42.119 --> 00:19:43.779 for the child to think about and just give them 00:19:43.779 --> 00:19:46.160 time to think we don't always need that immediate 00:19:46.160 --> 00:19:48.400 response but what we are teaching children is 00:19:48.400 --> 00:19:51.859 is how to be resilient how to learn the dynamics 00:19:51.859 --> 00:19:55.200 of friendships which are incredibly fluid as 00:19:55.200 --> 00:19:57.930 children grow up they're still working out what 00:19:57.930 --> 00:19:59.789 they like and what they dislike, who they like, 00:19:59.809 --> 00:20:02.109 what they dislike. As Emily said, that can change 00:20:02.109 --> 00:20:05.049 on a daily basis for older children. That might 00:20:05.049 --> 00:20:08.190 be on a weekly or monthly or termly basis. So 00:20:08.190 --> 00:20:11.250 just taking the time to listen and not trying 00:20:11.250 --> 00:20:14.049 to solve problems. And I think that can certainly 00:20:14.049 --> 00:20:17.140 do parents a lot of help. Yeah, I agree. Can 00:20:17.140 --> 00:20:20.200 we think about parties? Because parties can be 00:20:20.200 --> 00:20:23.640 a minefield at any age. I mean, Emily, what's 00:20:23.640 --> 00:20:26.180 your advice to parents who are starting on that 00:20:26.180 --> 00:20:28.740 journey of having birthday parties? What can 00:20:28.740 --> 00:20:34.339 we have? What's my advice? I think the younger 00:20:34.339 --> 00:20:37.400 they are, class parties are great and including 00:20:37.400 --> 00:20:41.140 everybody. I've tended to go down that route 00:20:41.140 --> 00:20:44.130 with my younger two of... let's include everybody. 00:20:44.230 --> 00:20:47.869 I would hate anyone else to feel that their child 00:20:47.869 --> 00:20:50.170 had been excluded or for that child to feel like, 00:20:50.170 --> 00:20:52.390 well, I wasn't invited to it. I think as they 00:20:52.390 --> 00:20:54.789 get older, you do then tend to go down the smaller 00:20:54.789 --> 00:20:58.730 groups. You know, we've just done a party, crazy 00:20:58.730 --> 00:21:01.769 golf, and my eldest picked five friends that 00:21:01.769 --> 00:21:04.130 he would like to come with him. And I think as 00:21:04.130 --> 00:21:06.029 they get a bit older, it's kind of easier to 00:21:06.029 --> 00:21:09.630 go down that route. But equally, you know, in 00:21:09.630 --> 00:21:12.180 this environment, we also kind of checked with 00:21:12.180 --> 00:21:14.039 the other boarding houses to see you know was 00:21:14.039 --> 00:21:15.640 there anyone who was then out of the friends 00:21:15.640 --> 00:21:17.359 that he picked that was going to be left in the 00:21:17.359 --> 00:21:19.619 house on their own if it was a smaller group 00:21:19.619 --> 00:21:21.420 and then included one of those children with 00:21:21.420 --> 00:21:24.079 us as well so just being mindful isn't it um 00:21:24.079 --> 00:21:25.779 but then equally you know I've had to talk to 00:21:25.779 --> 00:21:27.420 my children when they haven't been invited like 00:21:27.420 --> 00:21:30.460 they might have wanted to be and say you know 00:21:30.460 --> 00:21:33.299 that's okay yes there are always going to be 00:21:33.299 --> 00:21:35.400 times where you might feel left out and kind 00:21:35.400 --> 00:21:37.400 of naming those feelings I think is really important 00:21:37.400 --> 00:21:40.660 like the feeling of jealousy um or of being left 00:21:40.660 --> 00:21:43.279 out and giving them those tools of how to deal 00:21:43.279 --> 00:21:45.160 with that. I think one of the things that we 00:21:45.160 --> 00:21:47.299 sometimes forget is some children need to be 00:21:47.299 --> 00:21:50.740 explicitly taught these skills. Yes. And you 00:21:50.740 --> 00:21:52.380 might think they should just be able to pick 00:21:52.380 --> 00:21:54.059 this up, but actually you've got to explicitly 00:21:54.059 --> 00:21:58.059 teach. What do we do in that situation and how 00:21:58.059 --> 00:22:00.539 we can deal with it? Yeah, and I think the vocabulary 00:22:00.539 --> 00:22:02.200 is important. As you were saying, Angie, children 00:22:02.200 --> 00:22:03.720 don't necessarily have the vocabulary to express 00:22:03.720 --> 00:22:05.759 their feelings. So actually sitting down and 00:22:05.759 --> 00:22:08.220 talking through the words that they might find 00:22:08.220 --> 00:22:10.099 difficult to find. I mean, what about you, Lucy, 00:22:10.220 --> 00:22:14.990 in the party dilemma? What would you think? Yeah, 00:22:15.109 --> 00:22:18.650 I guess it is a really hard thing to understand 00:22:18.650 --> 00:22:21.589 when you feel like you're part of something and 00:22:21.589 --> 00:22:24.210 then there is a party and you're not on the list. 00:22:24.430 --> 00:22:27.390 It's a bit of a kick in the guts. And I think, 00:22:27.390 --> 00:22:30.049 you know, as adults, we experience this at times 00:22:30.049 --> 00:22:32.529 as well. And it's you sort of question, what 00:22:32.529 --> 00:22:34.990 have I done wrong? Have I said something? What's 00:22:34.990 --> 00:22:37.829 wrong with me? And like Emily's already said, 00:22:37.950 --> 00:22:40.890 it happens and it might not even be in a party. 00:22:40.950 --> 00:22:45.670 It might be any sort of event. But I guess giving 00:22:45.670 --> 00:22:49.369 the children the tools to know that it's OK and 00:22:49.369 --> 00:22:52.609 that actually there are lots of opportunities 00:22:52.609 --> 00:22:59.119 for them to do other things and be able to. feel 00:22:59.119 --> 00:23:03.220 okay in that moment but it's not easy and I think 00:23:03.220 --> 00:23:06.500 it's it can be very very challenging and I think 00:23:06.500 --> 00:23:09.079 again that's when parents can sometimes feel 00:23:09.079 --> 00:23:12.660 like they want to be involved um and I'm sure 00:23:12.660 --> 00:23:15.680 the same as Andrew and Emily we've probably all 00:23:15.680 --> 00:23:18.200 been in situations where parents have emailed 00:23:18.200 --> 00:23:21.099 in and said I you know I'm just writing on behalf 00:23:21.099 --> 00:23:24.140 of my child but they are so disappointed and 00:23:24.140 --> 00:23:25.900 sad and they're not going to get over that they 00:23:25.900 --> 00:23:29.170 haven't been invited And I guess the response 00:23:29.170 --> 00:23:34.250 is that really empathetic and understanding approach 00:23:34.250 --> 00:23:39.150 to that this has happened and reassurance that 00:23:39.150 --> 00:23:42.029 generally there is someone that they're going 00:23:42.029 --> 00:23:44.509 to be friends with and they will be invited to 00:23:44.509 --> 00:23:49.529 parties and reassurance that they're not a singular 00:23:49.529 --> 00:23:51.730 person that's not been invited generally. There's 00:23:51.730 --> 00:23:55.819 several people. um so yeah I guess having having 00:23:55.819 --> 00:23:58.019 that empathy and and we as I said we've all been 00:23:58.019 --> 00:24:00.859 through it so and acknowledging that it's a thing 00:24:00.859 --> 00:24:02.880 as well I mean you know and not just going oh 00:24:02.880 --> 00:24:05.920 never mind actually if they are hurting then 00:24:05.920 --> 00:24:08.440 give them the space to kind of unpick that and 00:24:08.440 --> 00:24:10.779 talk about things that as you say may not have 00:24:10.779 --> 00:24:12.980 happened but you know that you you've been left 00:24:12.980 --> 00:24:14.799 out we've all been left out as adults and it's 00:24:14.799 --> 00:24:16.859 never it's never a great great feeling is it 00:24:16.859 --> 00:24:19.579 I mean if we think about you know those sort 00:24:19.579 --> 00:24:22.579 of situations as the children get older where, 00:24:22.660 --> 00:24:26.539 you know, groups do start to form and it can 00:24:26.539 --> 00:24:29.539 be quite uncomfortable as children kind of navigate 00:24:29.539 --> 00:24:33.980 through that. I mean, when should parents worry? 00:24:34.140 --> 00:24:36.539 When should parents worry that, oh, actually, 00:24:36.599 --> 00:24:39.299 I think I need to kind of step in here. They're 00:24:39.299 --> 00:24:42.299 not seemingly part of anything. They're not getting 00:24:42.299 --> 00:24:45.359 invited to any parties. What should a parent 00:24:45.359 --> 00:24:48.630 do at that point, do you think, Andrew? I think 00:24:48.630 --> 00:24:51.670 if you notice any kind of drastic changes in 00:24:51.670 --> 00:24:54.349 behavior from your own child, I think that's 00:24:54.349 --> 00:24:58.170 a moment to either engage perhaps in other parents, 00:24:58.170 --> 00:24:59.829 as we spoke about earlier, in terms of if you've 00:24:59.829 --> 00:25:02.529 got a relationship, but also perhaps just engage 00:25:02.529 --> 00:25:04.789 the school as well, perhaps the child's form 00:25:04.789 --> 00:25:08.579 taker. There are and have been occasions where 00:25:08.579 --> 00:25:11.220 it's just been coincidental. There may be two 00:25:11.220 --> 00:25:13.680 or three parties that have happened and it just 00:25:13.680 --> 00:25:15.660 so happens that a certain child has been missed 00:25:15.660 --> 00:25:18.480 out and there is no rhyme or reason for it and 00:25:18.480 --> 00:25:20.680 it's just purely unfortunate. And that can be 00:25:20.680 --> 00:25:23.000 really, really easily rectified by just engaging 00:25:23.000 --> 00:25:26.980 with a class teacher. I suppose other moments 00:25:26.980 --> 00:25:30.660 where perhaps if parties or things are going 00:25:30.660 --> 00:25:34.440 wrong online, then again, just absolutely just 00:25:34.440 --> 00:25:38.660 speaking with a child. I think most of us would 00:25:38.660 --> 00:25:41.039 be in agreement now that actual... social media 00:25:41.039 --> 00:25:43.519 at the moment in terms of how children use it, 00:25:43.559 --> 00:25:46.319 either for good or for bad, actually needs to 00:25:46.319 --> 00:25:49.420 be kept a really close eye on. And if we spot 00:25:49.420 --> 00:25:51.240 anything, just engaging again with the school, 00:25:51.359 --> 00:25:54.240 because ultimately between school and parents, 00:25:54.460 --> 00:25:58.180 we're there to help guide and help children navigate 00:25:58.180 --> 00:26:00.880 their friendships. So if we spot something, as 00:26:00.880 --> 00:26:04.180 I said, any drastic changes in behaviour or anything 00:26:04.180 --> 00:26:06.740 that you may see online, that big time to get 00:26:06.740 --> 00:26:09.299 to school. The online world is really interesting, 00:26:09.400 --> 00:26:13.380 isn't it? because the friendships that kind of 00:26:13.380 --> 00:26:15.599 develop, but then also the way in which they 00:26:15.599 --> 00:26:18.519 interact with each other online is so different 00:26:18.519 --> 00:26:21.200 to the way in which they do in public. I mean, 00:26:21.220 --> 00:26:23.579 is this something that you talk to the children 00:26:23.579 --> 00:26:26.519 in your care about? I mean, do you address, for 00:26:26.519 --> 00:26:29.960 example, in our PSHE programme, the whole concept 00:26:29.960 --> 00:26:32.140 of how to engage online, or is that something 00:26:32.140 --> 00:26:33.319 you just think, no, actually that's something 00:26:33.319 --> 00:26:36.349 that happens outside of school? That's something 00:26:36.349 --> 00:26:38.849 I think all schools speak to children about and 00:26:38.849 --> 00:26:42.630 not just through their PSHE lessons, but I think 00:26:42.630 --> 00:26:45.250 teachers and tutors and house parents at any 00:26:45.250 --> 00:26:47.490 age. speak to children about how you speak to 00:26:47.490 --> 00:26:49.509 each other. They will model that behaviour as 00:26:49.509 --> 00:26:52.809 well. We'll have devoted individual PSHE lessons. 00:26:53.089 --> 00:26:56.069 We'll have individual assemblies. We may have 00:26:56.069 --> 00:26:58.710 outside speakers coming into school with age 00:26:58.710 --> 00:27:01.829 appropriate presentations just to really kind 00:27:01.829 --> 00:27:03.529 of help and guide children throughout because 00:27:03.529 --> 00:27:06.049 it is an incredibly challenging time they're 00:27:06.049 --> 00:27:09.650 going through from their very early years up 00:27:09.650 --> 00:27:12.150 to their kind of early and late teens. And they've 00:27:12.150 --> 00:27:15.920 got to, we go to school to learn. And relationships 00:27:15.920 --> 00:27:18.940 are a key fundamental. I don't think I can remember 00:27:18.940 --> 00:27:20.779 what I learned in maths when I was back in school. 00:27:21.559 --> 00:27:24.640 As I said, my key friends are those that I went 00:27:24.640 --> 00:27:26.759 to school with. And part of that was because 00:27:26.759 --> 00:27:28.680 we learned how to be friends together from school. 00:27:29.319 --> 00:27:32.539 So schools form a fundamental role in making 00:27:32.539 --> 00:27:34.759 sure children develop healthy relationships and 00:27:34.759 --> 00:27:37.039 friendships. Yeah, I agree. I mean, if we think 00:27:37.039 --> 00:27:39.259 about those unhealthy friendships, so unfortunately, 00:27:39.559 --> 00:27:41.740 people being people, there will be time when 00:27:41.740 --> 00:27:44.900 children are unpleasant to each other. And, you 00:27:44.900 --> 00:27:48.680 know, how can we support parents when they do 00:27:48.680 --> 00:27:51.740 feel... their child is being bullied. And by 00:27:51.740 --> 00:27:54.480 bullying, I am thinking about, you know, elements 00:27:54.480 --> 00:27:56.799 of unkindness, but, you know, pattern of behaviour. 00:27:57.420 --> 00:28:00.480 How should you navigate that as a parent? I mean, 00:28:00.500 --> 00:28:02.900 for younger children, Emily, what's your advice 00:28:02.900 --> 00:28:05.559 on that? We talk a lot about opinion or fact 00:28:05.559 --> 00:28:09.559 and to relate to how that child is feeling. So 00:28:09.559 --> 00:28:11.200 if someone has said something unkind to them, 00:28:11.339 --> 00:28:14.119 I'll say to them, is that a fact that they've 00:28:14.119 --> 00:28:17.049 said to you or is that their opinion? And that 00:28:17.049 --> 00:28:18.710 there being a real difference between that and 00:28:18.710 --> 00:28:20.789 people are always going to have different opinions. 00:28:21.210 --> 00:28:24.309 And yes, that might be unkind, but it's not a 00:28:24.309 --> 00:28:26.190 reflection on you. It's a reflection on them 00:28:26.190 --> 00:28:28.890 and them saying it in that moment. And so we 00:28:28.890 --> 00:28:30.410 quite often talk about that difference of it 00:28:30.410 --> 00:28:32.630 to try and it's the resilience they're trying 00:28:32.630 --> 00:28:35.869 to build as well and their own confidence. And 00:28:35.869 --> 00:28:38.940 I think. trying to focus on them as well is really 00:28:38.940 --> 00:28:42.779 important rather than all the attention going 00:28:42.779 --> 00:28:45.099 the other way. Because I think if they feel that 00:28:45.099 --> 00:28:47.519 they're looked after and they're cared for, that 00:28:47.519 --> 00:28:50.920 can really help them as well. And what about 00:28:50.920 --> 00:28:54.279 with the girls, Lucy, that sort of teenage girls 00:28:54.279 --> 00:28:58.940 when someone's being unkind? Yeah, I guess it's 00:28:58.940 --> 00:29:02.160 about unpicking the situation with everyone that's 00:29:02.160 --> 00:29:05.630 involved. all the key people that are involved, 00:29:05.829 --> 00:29:09.809 certainly. And listening to all sides of the 00:29:09.809 --> 00:29:13.789 story, listening to everyone that has witnessed 00:29:13.789 --> 00:29:18.880 or seen something. I think... Sort of if there's 00:29:18.880 --> 00:29:23.059 an ongoing issue and it's persistent, then it 00:29:23.059 --> 00:29:26.319 is so important that we address that with the 00:29:26.319 --> 00:29:29.539 person that might be doing the bullying because 00:29:29.539 --> 00:29:32.519 they might not have that understanding that their 00:29:32.519 --> 00:29:36.700 actions or their words. have such a negative 00:29:36.700 --> 00:29:39.779 impact on someone. And I think it's really important, 00:29:39.920 --> 00:29:42.980 like Emily said before, these children don't 00:29:42.980 --> 00:29:45.619 necessarily know that they're causing such a 00:29:45.619 --> 00:29:49.180 harmful impact on others. So I think it's about 00:29:49.180 --> 00:29:52.019 empowering those that are having difficulties 00:29:52.019 --> 00:29:55.859 and listening to and trying to gain an understanding 00:29:55.859 --> 00:30:00.059 of why someone's having those times of feeling 00:30:00.059 --> 00:30:03.420 like they need to be unkind or mean. And then 00:30:03.420 --> 00:30:05.180 trying to figure out how we can move forwards 00:30:05.180 --> 00:30:07.299 from it. And there's not always an easy answer. 00:30:08.599 --> 00:30:14.299 But I think there is always a solution somewhere 00:30:14.299 --> 00:30:18.059 and that might take a term to sort out. Again, 00:30:18.140 --> 00:30:21.160 communicating with parents and trying to understand 00:30:21.160 --> 00:30:24.619 from their side of the story. Working very closely 00:30:24.619 --> 00:30:27.200 with colleagues to get a really wide picture. 00:30:28.400 --> 00:30:31.619 What is this person like in form? When does the 00:30:31.619 --> 00:30:35.420 bullying happen? consistent in the time of day 00:30:35.420 --> 00:30:40.259 is it after school is it at breakfast and yeah 00:30:40.259 --> 00:30:42.619 just trying to understand and unpick it as much 00:30:42.619 --> 00:30:45.400 as possible and then talking to to everyone involved 00:30:45.400 --> 00:30:48.380 yeah and then obviously we get isolated incidents 00:30:48.380 --> 00:30:51.279 as well and and that could be something that 00:30:51.279 --> 00:30:55.039 someone's reacted to something in that instant 00:30:55.039 --> 00:30:59.480 and that person that's that's done that is straight 00:30:59.480 --> 00:31:03.759 away feeling um embarrassed or upset that they've 00:31:03.759 --> 00:31:06.619 they've done that to someone and again having 00:31:06.619 --> 00:31:09.460 we all make mistakes and and having those conversations 00:31:09.460 --> 00:31:12.759 as as soon as we can to try and figure out why 00:31:12.759 --> 00:31:15.539 it happened and what could be better in the future 00:31:15.539 --> 00:31:19.000 and yeah and just having those open open conversations 00:31:19.000 --> 00:31:22.220 with them i mean andrew we we have had occasions 00:31:22.220 --> 00:31:23.819 haven't we where there's been unkindness between 00:31:23.819 --> 00:31:27.059 two people and you know the person who has um 00:31:27.710 --> 00:31:29.309 experiencing and kind of says, I don't want anything 00:31:29.309 --> 00:31:31.190 to do with that person. You know, parents are 00:31:31.190 --> 00:31:33.089 very keen that they don't come across each other. 00:31:33.150 --> 00:31:35.430 I mean, is that, is that how it should be? Or 00:31:35.430 --> 00:31:38.250 is there an alternative sort of restorative? 00:31:40.280 --> 00:31:44.359 Again, I suppose there's no one answer that fits 00:31:44.359 --> 00:31:47.000 all, but there definitely can be restorative 00:31:47.000 --> 00:31:49.180 conversations that can be had between children. 00:31:49.559 --> 00:31:52.640 We've spoke about the fluidity of children's 00:31:52.640 --> 00:31:55.779 relationships and what works one week for them 00:31:55.779 --> 00:31:58.980 or over the course of a term may not work the 00:31:58.980 --> 00:32:01.220 following one and vice versa. We've had lots 00:32:01.220 --> 00:32:03.460 of occasions where children haven't got on. They've 00:32:03.460 --> 00:32:05.759 matured, they've grown, they've developed, they've 00:32:05.759 --> 00:32:08.960 grown a better sense of self and all of a sudden, 00:32:09.759 --> 00:32:13.160 we stand back in awe the fact that these young 00:32:13.160 --> 00:32:15.299 people are now friends together and I think the 00:32:15.299 --> 00:32:19.420 key is As has already been alluded to, there's 00:32:19.420 --> 00:32:22.279 also, if there is any allegations of bullying, 00:32:22.500 --> 00:32:25.720 both for the perpetrator and for the victim, 00:32:25.859 --> 00:32:30.119 both need support. And ultimately, lots of institutions, 00:32:30.319 --> 00:32:32.920 schools are very well geared up. All schools 00:32:32.920 --> 00:32:35.859 will have anti -bullying policies and steps that 00:32:35.859 --> 00:32:37.279 we can go through and engaging with the school 00:32:37.279 --> 00:32:39.900 early is really, really important so we can put 00:32:39.900 --> 00:32:42.880 in place measures that can help support individuals. 00:32:43.400 --> 00:32:46.420 And can I just add to that? I think something, 00:32:46.730 --> 00:32:50.589 that we convey to the children is that if you 00:32:50.589 --> 00:32:53.750 see a friend that is having difficulties or someone 00:32:53.750 --> 00:32:56.609 is bullying them or being unkind it's okay for 00:32:56.609 --> 00:32:58.289 that friend to come and talk to an adult because 00:32:58.289 --> 00:33:00.509 it's not always that easy for that child to do 00:33:00.509 --> 00:33:05.730 that and I think it's it's having someone that 00:33:05.730 --> 00:33:08.789 will say actually that's not okay you need to 00:33:08.789 --> 00:33:10.710 talk to someone or I'm going to talk to someone 00:33:11.119 --> 00:33:14.039 on your behalf because it's not okay to be bullied. 00:33:14.259 --> 00:33:17.579 Yeah. And I think it's interesting where children 00:33:17.579 --> 00:33:21.799 learn behavior from. And I think as parents, 00:33:21.839 --> 00:33:24.319 the way in which we talk to one another and talk 00:33:24.319 --> 00:33:27.279 to our friends is the modeling that our children 00:33:27.279 --> 00:33:30.660 see. And I think parents need to have a, we're 00:33:30.660 --> 00:33:32.710 not asking them to be. perfect but i think it's 00:33:32.710 --> 00:33:35.569 being conscious when you're in the earshot of 00:33:35.569 --> 00:33:38.289 your children about the respect perhaps you show 00:33:38.289 --> 00:33:39.930 to one another that you show to your friends 00:33:39.930 --> 00:33:43.250 to actually model behavior because they do really 00:33:43.250 --> 00:33:45.430 pick it up don't they i mean you must find this 00:33:45.430 --> 00:33:49.670 all the time definitely i can just think of an 00:33:49.670 --> 00:33:53.769 incident in our car yes and then suddenly i have 00:33:53.769 --> 00:33:56.309 a child in the back going stop daddy i'm like 00:33:56.309 --> 00:33:58.230 oh no you're literally repeating exactly what 00:33:58.230 --> 00:34:01.140 i'm saying um yeah so it is important to be careful 00:34:01.140 --> 00:34:02.819 of that and that's one of the things we do at 00:34:02.819 --> 00:34:05.160 school though as well my LA my chicken and I 00:34:05.160 --> 00:34:08.300 do loads of acting out and role play where we'll 00:34:08.300 --> 00:34:11.110 act out different scenarios sometimes the sillier 00:34:11.110 --> 00:34:12.949 the better but the match you're being able to 00:34:12.949 --> 00:34:16.010 see it live in front of them um but it's the 00:34:16.010 --> 00:34:17.969 same thing to be said for you know how you deal 00:34:17.969 --> 00:34:20.150 with things when something goes wrong or whether 00:34:20.150 --> 00:34:22.730 there's an accident how you respond to it generally 00:34:22.730 --> 00:34:24.849 will mimic how they you know how they will then 00:34:24.849 --> 00:34:27.869 respond to those situations and if you can find 00:34:27.869 --> 00:34:31.369 the way to respond in a calm way the chances 00:34:31.369 --> 00:34:33.030 are your children will learn to do that as well 00:34:33.030 --> 00:34:36.429 yeah i think you know we're all seeing far more 00:34:36.429 --> 00:34:39.400 um in the press, in the media, about the rise 00:34:39.400 --> 00:34:43.099 in neurodiversity in children. And I wonder what 00:34:43.099 --> 00:34:45.820 would be your opinion about talking to children 00:34:45.820 --> 00:34:48.400 about the fact that there are neurodiverse children 00:34:48.400 --> 00:34:51.099 in the school, or if they've got even a neurodiverse 00:34:51.099 --> 00:34:54.260 child themselves. How open should we be with 00:34:54.260 --> 00:34:56.059 our children about talking about those different 00:34:56.059 --> 00:34:58.000 types of profiles? I mean, Andrew, what do you 00:34:58.000 --> 00:35:01.400 think? Well, I think in schools, we're quite 00:35:01.400 --> 00:35:04.239 open about the fact that there are so many different, 00:35:04.340 --> 00:35:06.199 I suppose, profiles, if you want to use that 00:35:06.199 --> 00:35:08.900 word. different children and it's about being 00:35:08.900 --> 00:35:11.900 accepting and understanding so i think when we 00:35:11.900 --> 00:35:14.960 are speaking to children if they have got an 00:35:14.960 --> 00:35:19.519 issue or a problem um and if the adult is aware 00:35:19.519 --> 00:35:24.159 of um as maybe a specific profile of a child 00:35:24.159 --> 00:35:26.780 then engaging with the child and and just helping 00:35:26.780 --> 00:35:29.380 them understand that not everybody reacts to 00:35:29.380 --> 00:35:32.590 things in different ways and perceptions can 00:35:32.590 --> 00:35:35.469 be very, very different. And that's quite a hard 00:35:35.469 --> 00:35:37.010 thing for children to get their head around. 00:35:37.130 --> 00:35:40.230 So again, it comes down to an open conversation 00:35:40.230 --> 00:35:44.110 with the child. And if need be, then involving 00:35:44.110 --> 00:35:46.150 the school as well, because lots of schools have 00:35:46.150 --> 00:35:49.309 got an amazing department and very highly trained 00:35:49.309 --> 00:35:51.789 staff that can help negotiate those trickier 00:35:51.789 --> 00:35:53.829 conversations as well. And obviously they can 00:35:53.829 --> 00:36:00.030 advise parents on strategies if there is an issue 00:36:00.030 --> 00:36:03.500 between... children with different profiles and 00:36:03.500 --> 00:36:06.159 what about younger children i mean we're really 00:36:06.159 --> 00:36:08.420 open about it you know i've got lots of children 00:36:08.420 --> 00:36:10.639 in my class who might have sibling um with a 00:36:10.639 --> 00:36:14.920 diagnosis and we very openly talk about it and 00:36:14.920 --> 00:36:17.179 which i think is really helpful for them as siblings 00:36:17.179 --> 00:36:20.059 and as well as to understand each other within 00:36:20.059 --> 00:36:23.800 the classroom and i think the rise in neurodivergence 00:36:23.800 --> 00:36:26.380 that we're seeing means that we need to be really 00:36:26.380 --> 00:36:29.340 on it with in terms of explicitly teaching some 00:36:29.340 --> 00:36:32.480 of the social side of things as well um and those 00:36:32.480 --> 00:36:34.460 things that you think that they might naturally 00:36:34.460 --> 00:36:39.559 pick up on um they might not and we have to really 00:36:39.559 --> 00:36:41.739 help with building those skills and those social 00:36:41.739 --> 00:36:44.719 skills and the communication skills to give them 00:36:44.719 --> 00:36:46.579 the chance to be able to build those relationships 00:36:46.579 --> 00:36:49.079 with their peers yeah because i guess in your 00:36:49.079 --> 00:36:51.900 setting lucy People are living with each other, 00:36:51.960 --> 00:36:54.360 aren't they? And so, you know, how do you manage 00:36:54.360 --> 00:36:56.360 that with the girls? Do you speak very openly 00:36:56.360 --> 00:36:58.679 that people will react in different ways? Yeah, 00:36:58.699 --> 00:37:01.719 absolutely. And I guess similar to what Andrew 00:37:01.719 --> 00:37:04.699 has talked about already, but it's the ability 00:37:04.699 --> 00:37:08.840 to sort of accept everyone for who they are and 00:37:08.840 --> 00:37:11.559 that everybody has got something to offer as 00:37:11.559 --> 00:37:16.880 an individual. And having that as a skill is 00:37:16.880 --> 00:37:18.900 so important and it's something we talk about 00:37:18.900 --> 00:37:21.820 all the time is, You're not going to like everyone, 00:37:21.960 --> 00:37:25.599 but it's having that ability to be with them 00:37:25.599 --> 00:37:30.719 and to tolerate them. And especially neurodiverse 00:37:30.719 --> 00:37:34.320 children, they have so much to offer to everyone. 00:37:34.360 --> 00:37:36.519 And it's just that understanding. But I think 00:37:36.519 --> 00:37:39.199 Emily's right. in terms of if we're teaching 00:37:39.199 --> 00:37:44.019 children at a young age to have that open -mindedness 00:37:44.019 --> 00:37:47.559 to accept everyone, it's a really important message 00:37:47.559 --> 00:37:50.340 that will continue through to adulthood. And, 00:37:50.380 --> 00:37:52.739 you know, there's some great examples, whether 00:37:52.739 --> 00:37:55.619 it's films or TV programmes or books. I mean, 00:37:55.639 --> 00:37:57.619 I remember, you know, my children were little 00:37:57.619 --> 00:37:59.440 using kind of Winnie the Pooh and Eeyore and 00:37:59.440 --> 00:38:01.420 Piglet and Tigger, you know, all those different 00:38:01.420 --> 00:38:03.300 kind of personality types and saying, you know, 00:38:03.300 --> 00:38:05.460 we are all different, but you can still all be 00:38:05.460 --> 00:38:07.420 friends and accept that people are going to react. 00:38:07.440 --> 00:38:10.079 act differently to different situations um but 00:38:10.079 --> 00:38:12.179 they each have their their qualities that they 00:38:12.179 --> 00:38:15.760 they want to um they want to value in each other 00:38:15.760 --> 00:38:17.579 i mean there's a wonder there's a wonderful phrase 00:38:17.579 --> 00:38:19.360 that i think about friendship when we talk to 00:38:19.360 --> 00:38:21.079 children is about that you can have friends for 00:38:21.079 --> 00:38:23.639 a season you have friends for a reason you can 00:38:23.639 --> 00:38:26.119 have friends for life and that you're not going 00:38:26.119 --> 00:38:27.960 to always be friends with the same people and 00:38:27.960 --> 00:38:30.989 i think particularly when we come to this time 00:38:30.989 --> 00:38:32.869 in the academic year when we're talking which 00:38:32.869 --> 00:38:35.329 is coming up to a summer holiday an understanding 00:38:35.329 --> 00:38:38.010 for children that friendships change um because 00:38:38.010 --> 00:38:40.090 it's really important isn't it that when they 00:38:40.090 --> 00:38:42.269 come back in September they can't just assume 00:38:42.269 --> 00:38:45.389 that everybody is is going to be I mean Emily 00:38:45.389 --> 00:38:46.789 you're lucky I've had this conversation this 00:38:46.789 --> 00:38:49.289 morning with some of mine in terms of we've just 00:38:49.289 --> 00:38:52.170 done our move up morning um so children being 00:38:52.170 --> 00:38:56.360 put into new classes and we had two who this 00:38:56.360 --> 00:38:59.039 week our best friends um they weren't three weeks 00:38:59.039 --> 00:39:01.159 ago but they are now and they're not in the same 00:39:01.159 --> 00:39:03.639 class and having that conversation of that but 00:39:03.639 --> 00:39:06.000 you can still be really great friends and that's 00:39:06.000 --> 00:39:07.719 okay that you don't have to be in the same class 00:39:07.719 --> 00:39:10.199 to be able to still be great friends and you 00:39:10.199 --> 00:39:11.920 know how their friendships will change and will 00:39:11.920 --> 00:39:14.619 develop um so yeah that's definitely one of the 00:39:14.619 --> 00:39:16.099 conversations we're having a lot at the moment 00:39:16.099 --> 00:39:18.260 and that there will be changes and that's okay 00:39:18.619 --> 00:39:20.760 Yeah. And I guess for the older children, they're 00:39:20.760 --> 00:39:25.000 leaving. And I mean, do you prepare them for 00:39:25.000 --> 00:39:27.739 that, Lucy, about, you know, that you will, you 00:39:27.739 --> 00:39:29.579 know, some friends will just fall by the wayside? 00:39:29.639 --> 00:39:33.139 Yeah, absolutely. I think some friendships are 00:39:33.139 --> 00:39:35.500 so strong and they'll go to different schools 00:39:35.500 --> 00:39:40.260 now and some of them will communicate. I mean, 00:39:40.320 --> 00:39:42.739 I really think it's fantastic that schools are 00:39:42.739 --> 00:39:45.239 cracking down on phones because actually it's 00:39:45.239 --> 00:39:48.050 OK to be apart from someone. you don't lose them 00:39:48.050 --> 00:39:51.010 necessarily as a friend. But there will be some 00:39:51.010 --> 00:39:53.769 instances where really close friends will just 00:39:53.769 --> 00:39:58.130 not talk again and that's okay. And I guess it's 00:39:58.130 --> 00:40:02.050 great that they can still communicate in the 00:40:02.050 --> 00:40:04.710 holidays and things. But yeah, we talked to them 00:40:04.710 --> 00:40:07.300 about... making new friends and the importance 00:40:07.300 --> 00:40:10.460 of of reaching out and and looking after people 00:40:10.460 --> 00:40:13.960 and and checking in with those that if you notice 00:40:13.960 --> 00:40:16.039 a friend's gone very quiet checking in with them 00:40:16.039 --> 00:40:22.679 um as well so it's a huge change lots of um excitement 00:40:22.679 --> 00:40:25.889 but lots of anxiety as well about people who 00:40:25.889 --> 00:40:27.710 they're going to fit in with, who are they going 00:40:27.710 --> 00:40:29.170 to make friends with, who they're going to miss 00:40:29.170 --> 00:40:32.309 so much. But it's okay to miss people. And the 00:40:32.309 --> 00:40:34.909 ones that they'll stay friends for life with, 00:40:34.929 --> 00:40:37.630 they will. And as you said earlier, Andrew, the 00:40:37.630 --> 00:40:39.550 fact that you go back and you just pick up where 00:40:39.550 --> 00:40:40.929 they're the best friends, where you just pick 00:40:40.929 --> 00:40:43.130 up and there isn't that judgment of not being 00:40:43.130 --> 00:40:45.550 in touch or, you know, you haven't rung, you 00:40:45.550 --> 00:40:47.750 haven't written, you know, you just pick up where 00:40:47.750 --> 00:40:49.130 you are. I think it's important to remember those 00:40:49.130 --> 00:40:52.170 conversations for those children who are leaving 00:40:52.170 --> 00:40:54.789 school, they didn't happen in the last month 00:40:54.789 --> 00:40:56.619 or so. So they've been happening all the way 00:40:56.619 --> 00:40:58.260 through their schooling and from the very early 00:40:58.260 --> 00:41:01.460 years when Emily's got them in terms of how relationships, 00:41:01.679 --> 00:41:03.780 how you can use your words, when you're identifying 00:41:03.780 --> 00:41:06.719 your emotions, moving on up through the age groups 00:41:06.719 --> 00:41:09.619 as to how you, I suppose, how teachers and parents 00:41:09.619 --> 00:41:13.659 give children the tools to resolve problems. 00:41:14.179 --> 00:41:16.119 These are all things that have happened to get 00:41:16.119 --> 00:41:18.719 them ready for essentially. leaving friendship 00:41:18.719 --> 00:41:21.079 groups and forming new friends. So these conversations 00:41:21.079 --> 00:41:24.619 happen from a very, very early age. And when 00:41:24.619 --> 00:41:26.559 they move to their next school, they will continue 00:41:26.559 --> 00:41:29.500 to happen because then it's just the next. natural 00:41:29.500 --> 00:41:31.860 evolution of their friendship groups. Yeah. And, 00:41:31.920 --> 00:41:33.400 you know, even when your children start going 00:41:33.400 --> 00:41:35.340 to university, you know, having those conversations 00:41:35.340 --> 00:41:37.480 about how do you make new friends and keeping 00:41:37.480 --> 00:41:39.880 the door open and, you know, it doesn't stop. 00:41:39.880 --> 00:41:41.639 And you might be more worried about the types 00:41:41.639 --> 00:41:44.360 of friends they are at that age as well. Yeah, 00:41:44.500 --> 00:41:46.280 that's true. I mean, just that might be something 00:41:46.280 --> 00:41:48.400 just interesting to touch on when your children 00:41:48.400 --> 00:41:49.880 are getting a little bit older and actually you're 00:41:49.880 --> 00:41:52.039 not sure they're in a friendship that's very 00:41:52.039 --> 00:41:55.179 healthy. I mean, how do you navigate that? I 00:41:55.179 --> 00:41:56.880 mean, Andrew, your children, your own children 00:41:56.880 --> 00:41:59.639 are a little bit older. navigate i think that's 00:41:59.639 --> 00:42:02.119 the really key point where parents need to be 00:42:02.119 --> 00:42:04.659 able to to listen because that's the point where 00:42:04.659 --> 00:42:07.179 children really start to have a much stronger 00:42:07.179 --> 00:42:09.840 belief in and what they think they've built up 00:42:09.840 --> 00:42:12.260 their own opinion opinions and clearly that's 00:42:12.260 --> 00:42:15.559 actually been brought out through their own parents 00:42:15.559 --> 00:42:17.460 as well because you've taught them to be a certain 00:42:17.460 --> 00:42:20.300 way um so listening to children and then offering 00:42:20.300 --> 00:42:23.969 guidance in a non -judgmental way I think that 00:42:23.969 --> 00:42:26.489 would definitely kind of stop perhaps some of 00:42:26.489 --> 00:42:28.110 the potential arguments that could happen in 00:42:28.110 --> 00:42:31.889 the future. And also our perception of what someone 00:42:31.889 --> 00:42:35.110 looks like or is like can be very different to 00:42:35.110 --> 00:42:38.670 what our children might see children, friends 00:42:38.670 --> 00:42:42.119 like. Certainly my daughter's got a couple of 00:42:42.119 --> 00:42:44.159 really good friends. And as I've got to know 00:42:44.159 --> 00:42:46.500 them, my perception of them has absolutely changed. 00:42:47.099 --> 00:42:51.440 And they are my daughter and my son. I've got 00:42:51.440 --> 00:42:54.719 really good judgments of character and I trust 00:42:54.719 --> 00:42:56.440 them. And sometimes as parents, we just need 00:42:56.440 --> 00:42:59.079 to learn to stand back a little bit. But equally, 00:42:59.179 --> 00:43:01.920 just having that parental hat on where if we 00:43:01.920 --> 00:43:04.179 think we need to step in, then we can do it. 00:43:04.300 --> 00:43:06.860 It's guidance more than problem solving. I agree. 00:43:06.920 --> 00:43:08.340 But also, you know, spending the time to get 00:43:08.340 --> 00:43:10.039 to know their friends. And creating situations 00:43:10.039 --> 00:43:12.500 where, you know, you do sit and talk to them 00:43:12.500 --> 00:43:14.679 and then they engage with you and you get a much 00:43:14.679 --> 00:43:17.400 greater sense, don't you? Well, thank you. That's 00:43:17.400 --> 00:43:19.019 been such an interesting conversation. I mean, 00:43:19.039 --> 00:43:21.960 what I'd love to know from each of you is if 00:43:21.960 --> 00:43:25.960 you had to describe a friend that you particularly 00:43:25.960 --> 00:43:29.920 are fond of or close to, what are the qualities 00:43:29.920 --> 00:43:32.980 that perhaps have cemented friendships for you? 00:43:35.260 --> 00:43:39.210 I'd have to say. I think most of my friends are 00:43:39.210 --> 00:43:42.849 quite fun. Uh, they're quite humorous, um, huge 00:43:42.849 --> 00:43:46.510 amount of loyalty, patience, um, and trustworthiness. 00:43:46.590 --> 00:43:48.909 And I know I can trust all my friends with, with 00:43:48.909 --> 00:43:51.489 my, my either biggest secrets, my, my, my, my 00:43:51.489 --> 00:43:53.230 biggest worries and, and they would be there 00:43:53.230 --> 00:43:56.090 for me. So somebody stands next to me and, uh, 00:43:56.130 --> 00:43:59.730 and backs me in any given situation. Yeah. Um, 00:43:59.849 --> 00:44:02.849 I think loyalty for me is a big one. Um, and 00:44:02.849 --> 00:44:07.159 nonjudgmental. I know that one of my really great 00:44:07.159 --> 00:44:09.500 friends, I can say anything on one of the 15 00:44:09.500 --> 00:44:11.099 -minute voice notes that we do to each other 00:44:11.099 --> 00:44:13.920 back and forth. And I know there'll be no judgment 00:44:13.920 --> 00:44:17.179 for it whatsoever and can celebrate my successes 00:44:17.179 --> 00:44:21.460 and is very heartfelt on the things when they're 00:44:21.460 --> 00:44:25.320 harder. And they completely get you. Yeah, yeah. 00:44:25.559 --> 00:44:28.139 What about you, Lucy? Yeah, I think someone that 00:44:28.139 --> 00:44:31.360 you can almost just like flop on a sofa with 00:44:31.360 --> 00:44:35.210 and... know that whatever you say, it's okay. 00:44:35.289 --> 00:44:38.070 And if you've got a problem, chatting to them 00:44:38.070 --> 00:44:41.949 about it and them just having your back and being 00:44:41.949 --> 00:44:45.150 someone that you can really trust and someone 00:44:45.150 --> 00:44:48.210 that's really reliable as well. I think having 00:44:48.210 --> 00:44:51.349 those solid people in your lives is just so good 00:44:51.349 --> 00:44:55.369 for your mental health and picking you up. And 00:44:55.369 --> 00:44:56.869 maybe they're the qualities we should be talking 00:44:56.869 --> 00:44:58.809 to our children about to look for in their friends. 00:44:58.969 --> 00:45:01.969 Absolutely. Now, final question that I ask all 00:45:01.969 --> 00:45:04.250 of the people that come on the podcast is about 00:45:04.250 --> 00:45:07.829 your ideal teacher. And this can be somebody 00:45:07.829 --> 00:45:11.010 who is famous. It can be somebody you know. It 00:45:11.010 --> 00:45:13.650 could be a friend of yours that you think, do 00:45:13.650 --> 00:45:15.809 you know what? They would have made an amazing 00:45:15.809 --> 00:45:18.309 teacher. So we've had, of course, David Attenborough. 00:45:18.409 --> 00:45:21.349 We've had, of course, we've had William Shakespeare. 00:45:21.489 --> 00:45:24.840 But is there is there anybody? Have you got one? 00:45:24.940 --> 00:45:27.900 Oh, my Lord. Normally people go, oh, no, I don't 00:45:27.900 --> 00:45:30.480 know. Who would you go for? I just think Paddington 00:45:30.480 --> 00:45:33.199 Bear. Oh, my Lord. He would be brilliant. This 00:45:33.199 --> 00:45:36.320 is what Dan said. I just think he looks on the 00:45:36.320 --> 00:45:39.039 bright side of life. Yes. You just need that 00:45:39.039 --> 00:45:41.559 in everyday life. You need someone that's going 00:45:41.559 --> 00:45:44.719 to be positive. Yes. He's so calm and wise. Yes. 00:45:45.179 --> 00:45:47.119 He'd do brilliant assemblies, wouldn't he? And 00:45:47.119 --> 00:45:49.780 he's funny. Yes. Yeah. And he's got a great teacher 00:45:49.780 --> 00:45:52.039 stare. And he's got a good teacher stare. And 00:45:52.039 --> 00:45:54.760 a good snack for anybody. Yeah. That is brilliant. 00:45:54.840 --> 00:45:58.260 What about Andrew and Emily? Who are you left 00:45:58.260 --> 00:46:02.739 with? I think I'm going to plump for a Scotsman, 00:46:02.760 --> 00:46:05.960 unsurprisingly. And a person I've admired for 00:46:05.960 --> 00:46:07.659 many, many years, and that'd be Sir Chris Hoy. 00:46:09.539 --> 00:46:14.780 The effort, the amount of work that he put into 00:46:14.780 --> 00:46:19.449 his cycling career, the... the way he looked 00:46:19.449 --> 00:46:21.469 along with his team for those little extra little 00:46:21.469 --> 00:46:26.429 margins to make him such a great cyclist on top 00:46:26.429 --> 00:46:29.349 of obviously in recent years the way his outlook 00:46:29.349 --> 00:46:33.030 given his recent diagnosis I think my wife will 00:46:33.030 --> 00:46:35.849 know he's been I've been an admirer of Chris 00:46:35.849 --> 00:46:38.489 Hoy for many many years and I had the opportunity 00:46:38.489 --> 00:46:41.190 to meet him once at Blenheim Palace but my wife 00:46:41.190 --> 00:46:42.929 didn't point him out to me and so I missed him 00:46:42.929 --> 00:46:46.070 oh no let's blame Emma for that honestly but 00:46:46.070 --> 00:46:48.400 he'd be a great calming wouldn't he? An inspiration. 00:46:48.679 --> 00:46:51.059 He really would. Emily, what about you? So Dan 00:46:51.059 --> 00:46:52.940 and I had this discussion. I had heard that this 00:46:52.940 --> 00:46:55.280 question might come at the end. So the three 00:46:55.280 --> 00:46:57.579 we came up with were David Attenborough, because 00:46:57.579 --> 00:46:59.559 we were like his storytelling, and that like 00:46:59.559 --> 00:47:01.960 awe and wonder side. Paddington Bear was the 00:47:01.960 --> 00:47:03.679 other one. And then the third one was Moana. 00:47:04.260 --> 00:47:07.480 Oh, yes. Because we decided, like, leaded with 00:47:07.480 --> 00:47:12.320 courage, was very empathetic, which I think you 00:47:12.320 --> 00:47:14.800 really need as a teacher, lots of kindness. And 00:47:14.800 --> 00:47:17.940 she managed to convince Maui to, get on board 00:47:17.940 --> 00:47:20.119 and help her yes and i think there's nothing 00:47:20.119 --> 00:47:22.019 more you do as a teacher than try and convince 00:47:22.019 --> 00:47:23.960 all the children in front of you to get on board 00:47:23.960 --> 00:47:25.659 with what you're doing do you know what i think 00:47:25.659 --> 00:47:28.400 they're the three best answers we've had so thank 00:47:28.400 --> 00:47:31.019 you so much and thank you very much for being 00:47:31.019 --> 00:47:33.280 part of this conversation thank you thank you 00:47:33.280 --> 00:47:38.159 thank you for listening to today's dilemma If 00:47:38.159 --> 00:47:40.019 you'd like to hear more about what I get up to, 00:47:40.159 --> 00:47:43.000 please follow me on Instagram at headinheels. 00:47:43.059 --> 00:47:44.820 Or if you want to learn more about the Dragon 00:47:44.820 --> 00:47:48.400 School, our Instagram account is dragonschooloxford. 00:47:48.840 --> 00:47:51.079 And if you've got any ideas or dilemmas you'd 00:47:51.079 --> 00:47:54.400 like us to discuss, please do email us at podcast 00:47:54.400 --> 00:47:58.619 at dragonschool .org. So until next time.