Good evening and And welcome to Live with Dr.
Andre Jerry, your trusted space for real conversations,
practical wisdom, and purpose -driven insight.
I'm your host, Dr. Andre Jerry, and we're broadcasting
live from beautiful San Juan, Puerto Rico. This
show was heard in over 128 countries, and we
featured artists, authors, entertainers, entrepreneurs,
and thought leaders from across the globe. Wherever
you're tuning in from tonight, on behalf of myself
and the Artist First Radio Network, I want to
thank you for being part of the conversation.
Your continued leadership truly means more than
you know. Okay, so before we move forward tonight,
I want to give a special shout out to Dr. Stephen
Bond. He was our guest from last month's episode.
We got a lot of great feedback on this show.
He joined us to discuss his powerful new book
called Suffering in Bleak Silence. It's now available
on Amazon. And this book offers an intimate look
into the often unspoken mental health struggles
of public school educators. Some really interesting
stories in this book and it's stories that teachers
live quietly every single day. So I really urge
you to check it out, especially if you have children
in school or you simply just want a deeper understanding
of. The people who are entrusted with educating
the next generation. So like I said, pick up
a copy. You will really love this book, and it
really has a way of changing how you see and
appreciate and interact with teachers long after
you turn the last page. All right. So, hey, happy
new year to everyone. Welcome to 2026. We made
it through another year. And I don't want to
say that lightly. Some of us came through with
a lot of wins, and that's great. Some of us came
through with lessons. Some of us came through
a little banged up. a little scraped and tired
and then you know all of that but by the grace
of God we're still here we're still here we made
it and you know sometimes that alone is the wind
now this is the part I don't want us to gloss
over so much or rush past we got a lot to do
this year we all have our individual goals all
the things that we're trying to get done and
not because we're forcing it Not because we're
competing with anybody, but just because we are
clear on what our goals are. Most of us didn't
walk into this new year empty -handed. We walked
in carrying something. It could be a financial
goal, it could be getting healthier, losing weight,
or just feeling better in your own body. Maybe
this is the year that you finally stop surviving
and start being intentional about the kind of
life that you say you want. Whatever that thing
is for you this year, I want you to hear me when
I say this. I believe in you. I believe in you.
I believe that you are more than capable than
you give yourself credit for. And honestly, you
probably already have more than enough of what
you need than you think you do. And so this is
why I love New Year's. New Year's matters. It
gives us a time to pause and reset. and give
us a chance to look back and just be real with
ourselves for a minute. What worked last year?
What didn't work? Where did we actually grow?
And then where are those places where we avoided
doing the work? We all have those areas too.
What parts of our lives have we been neglecting
and that now we can give our attention to and
our focus and our care? That kind of reflection
matters because 2026 I don't know how you feel
about it, but to me, it doesn't feel like just
any other year on the calendar. It's something
different about this year, something different
energetically, mentally, even spiritually. This
year feels like it's calling for alignment with
less forcing, less performing, and more intention,
more honesty, more clarity about what we say
yes to and what we finally let go of. So tonight
I want to start unpacking what 2026 represents.
And not just in terms of goals and resolutions,
but in terms of energy, alignment, and manifestation.
What kind of year is this really asking us to
have? And maybe the bigger question here is who
is this year asking us to become? Last year,
I made some pretty big life changes and those
who tune in regularly to the show know a lot
of this, but just for the benefit of those who
may be newer to the show, I officially retired
from Federal Civil Service at the age of 46.
And that still feels really wild to say it out
loud. But, you know, I stepped away from that
whole chase of chasing titles and promotions
and the next position after the next position,
the next paycheck, you know, what people call
the grind. Some people call it the matrix, but
it's that feeling where you're always reaching,
always having to prove yourself, always being
performative or having to be performative. Last
year, I also moved back to Puerto Rico, this
small island here that I fell in love with over
a decade ago. And, you know, coming back here
wasn't just about location. It was about slowing
down. and enjoying life, breathing, getting back
to myself. Last year I really took time to just,
I don't know, just be. To reconnect with nature,
to go to the beach, to sit with myself, meditate
more. And in that space I started shedding some
weight. Not just physical weight, I've lost some
weight too. I pretty much got rid of my little
dead body. But I'm talking about some of the
heavy stuff. The weight of expectations. You
know The weight of trying to be everything to
everybody the weight of people pleasing all the
time and Constantly having to adjust myself so
that other people can be comfortable. I Had to
stop and ask myself where I even learned this
stuff from What did I learn it from because it
definitely didn't come from my parents. My parents
weren't like that but somewhere along the way
I picked up this habit of shrinking. This habit
of over giving and bending and corning myself
into whatever shape that felt acceptable to that
particular group of people. And, you know, honestly,
I think it goes back to the bullying. Those of
you who follow the show, you know, I talked about
how I was bullied growing up, just wanting to
be accepted, wanting to belong to a group or
something, be accepted. When you grow up, people
who have been bullied will understand this. When
you grow up feeling different, you start believing
that you're the problem. You start believing
that you're not like everyone else, so something's
gotta be wrong with you. That's how you grow
up thinking. So you start this performing, and
you start this people -pleasing stuff. And you
start abandoning, rather, Little bitty pieces
of yourself just so you can fit in and be liked
by a certain group of people And that's something
that I've been actively Trying to unlearn. So
let me give you a real -life example of what
I mean And this is something that literally just
happened like last week. Okay, so last week my
partner and I we went out with a couple of friends
and Let me be clear some of y 'all know this
about me. I'm a homebody. Okay I prefer to stay
at home, but I was in a decent enough mood, you
know, so I went I just went with it and Then
I actually started out fine But somewhere along
the way that familiar feeling started to kick
in it was it's like a social fatigue and I could
just feel myself just slowly shutting down and
Defaulting back to my introverted modes, you
know and pulling out my phone I pull out my phone
not because I'm rude. I pull out my phone because
it's a mechanism to help me cope. You know, I'm
just trying to survive the moment without being
completely drained, you know, because I don't
like crowded spaces. I don't like bars and things
like that. You know, on top of all of that, everybody
was speaking Spanish, which is fine. I actually
prefer that people speak Spanish around me because
I have to learn. And I can understand some of
it, but not enough to fully participate. You
know what I mean? So when you're sitting at a
table and you're kind of present, but you're
not really included, it kind of does something
to you mentally. And it's exhausting in a way
that's hard to explain unless you've lived it.
And then there's the restaurant hopping. OK,
so we had dinner at one place, right? We were
there for over an hour. It was fine. We had drinks
at another place And then you think that you
would think the night were in there. We end up
going to a bar after that so oh and let me tell
you about the the last part that we went to we
got there we found a place for all of us to sit
right and Just a couple of minutes after sitting
down some guy some guy just randomly put a gram
of weed on the table and he told me that I don't
know what he said he said this is on the house
or this is for you or something like that no
charge he said some shit like that and I just
kind of looked at him and I looked at the people
who I was with and they were giving me this look
like Andre he's giving you free drugs and you
know like it was a mint or something and I was
like I'm not taking no drugs for some stranger
you crazy And so one of the young ladies who
was with us, she ended up taking it and putting
it in her pocket or whatever. And I was like,
good, take it, because I'm not touching it. OK,
so how about the next day? She's sick as a dog.
Even right now, she's at home sick. She has some
type of mysterious illness. I don't know what.
That's why I don't mess with drugs and shit like
that, and especially from people I don't know.
I don't like bars anyway. It just was not my
type of vibe. You know, if I'm going to go to
a bar, rather for it to be something kind of
more upscale, or if it's not upscale, just let
it be more of like a chilled, relaxed vibe that's
kind of exclusive and you can have a conversation
without yelling over music. I guess I'm turning
into an old man. But yeah, if I'm gonna go out,
that would be more of my type of vibe. Now, I
will say this about Puerto Rico. This is something
that I love. Weed is illegal here. You know,
unless you have a prescription or something.
But here, people don't bother you. And almost
everywhere you go, you're gonna smell somebody
smoking weed. You'll see people smoking weed
in the park or on their patio at home. No one
cares. No one's gonna bother you unless you're
like disturbing the peace or something. People
just leave you to hell alone here. It's not like
in the states where you have to constantly look
over your shoulder, you know, and you know, there's
speed traps on the highways and roadblocks and
all this type of stuff. There is none of that
here. It's a very chill vibe here in Puerto Rico.
There's no racial profiling. There's no harassment
from the police. It's just chill. But if you
are a social person, I'm not, but if you're a
social person and you like to go out and be seen
and enjoy the nightlife and all of the things,
you'll love it here. You'll love it. Even if
you're a backpacker type and you like to do zip
lining and hiking and do all that adventurous
stuff, all of that is here in Puerto Rico. I
know I sound like a tourist air right now, but
I... The point I'm trying to make here is that
there's something for everybody. So by all means,
if you have not visited Puerto Rico yet, by all
means, please come and visit. You will love it.
But anyway, back to hanging out with my friends.
So when we left, initially when we left the house,
it was like 630 in the evening. That night, we
didn't get home to almost midnight. And for an
introvert like me, that's a lot. It's like an
endurance test. It's not a light. That's not
a night out for me That's an endurance test,
but uh by the time we got to that last spot where
the guy offered me the drugs I was done by that
point. I had completely tapped out. I was quiet.
I was just on my phone I was just trying to get
through it, you know and I guess that shift from
the second place to the third place was kind
of noticeable because all of a sudden everybody
switched seats and the lady that was Sitting
to the end on the other side. She sat right next
to me She was also with our party and she just
started talking to me and asking me questions
and stuff like that and trying to force Conversation,
you know just so I can feel included and I get
it. I got what she was trying to do but And she
wasn't asking anything invasive or anything like
that She mostly was asking about my former work
in public service and stuff like that Okay, so
here's the thing with with me Yes, I've had a
very full accomplished career but I've never
really been very good at talking about it casually
especially when I'm already like mentally drained
and I was talking to her and I could hear myself
talking and I was kind of stumbling over my words
and I just I had that awkward feeling I wasn't
making much eye contact with her and internally
I'm just thinking to myself why am I even doing
this why am I here you know and no disrespect
to the lady because like I said she was just
trying to be nice and make sure I was you know
feel included and all of that and the only reason
why I entertained the conversation with her was
just out of politeness and because she's an older
lady so it was just it sort of was just a respect
thing but you know I thought about it later on
I was like yeah she's older than me and all that
but I'm almost 50 years old like I don't I don't
have to entertain this if I don't feel like it
And that's when it hit me that, you know, this
isn't me being just anti -social. This is a form
of anxiety. It's a form of, I guess you could
call it overextension. It's me staying somewhere
a little longer than my nerves, my nervous system
can handle. You know, just all out of being polite.
And I realized that I'm kind of tired of that.
And I know I'm not the only person that does
it. But, you know, like I said, I'm damn near
50 years old. I shouldn't feel obligated to force
myself to be social when I don't have the mental
bandwidth to do it. And so I feel like I've earned
the right to not have to answer questions or
over explain or over share just so nobody feels
awkward. You know, I should have stayed my ass
at home. Or I should have just told the lady,
look, Hey, I appreciate what you're trying to
do, but I'm not really in the mood to talk right
now. And I know that would have made for an uncomfortable
moment and, you know, but at least it would have
been honest. It would have been honest. And so
I'm at this place in my life where honesty matters
more than just being nice. I've accepted my,
I won't say flaws. I've accepted myself. I know
I'm deeply introverted. I know them. I'm kind
of a weirdo. I'm fine with that. I don't enjoy
a lot of socializing, but I'm done forcing myself
into these situations that drain me, just so
I can meet other people's expectations. I'm sick
of that. That's the part of what I've been trying
to unlearn, and I'm gonna be working on that
more this year. So next time when there's an
invitation to hang out and I know that I'm not
100 % up for it, I'm just gonna politely decline.
Declined thank them for the invitation and you
know, I don't care who gets mad about it And
that takes me to friendships um And this has
nothing to do with you know, the people I was
hanging out with this is just in general But
with me, I don't know if it's just me. I can
really do without friend groups You remember
how back in the day some of us used to live?
for a good friend group like Sex in the City
or something. You know, people we could let our
hair down with and share inappropriate jokes
with and talk shit about people and say and do
all the things. But as you get older, or at least
as I have gotten older, it's just a little different
for me. Today, my circle is so small, it's almost
like a period. A couple of shows back, It's probably
been about six or seven shows ago but I told
you guys about a little experiment that my one
friend Emily suggested that I do and that experiment
was a game changer for me and it really helped
me to remove a lot of fringe people from my life
and hangers on you know and it helped me to tighten
my inner circle and for those that missed that
episode or may be new to the show I'm just going
to quickly recap. that social experiment for
you. And this is for anybody listening who feels
burdened by always being the one reaching out,
checking in on folks, keeping in touch, bringing
everybody together, being a sounding board for
everyone, always the one giving advice, leading
the group chat, loaning money, always the one
sending a happy birthday, all that stuff. I want
to tell you exactly what my friend Emily told
me, okay? She told me, and this was back when
I was in Saudi Arabia the first time. She said,
I want you to go silent for three months. I'll
do you one better because really it doesn't even
take three months. You can do just one month.
Go silent for one month. Don't call anyone. Don't
text anyone. Only respond if somebody sends you
a message or calls you. In that month, I want
you to take note of all the people who Reach
out to check on you to see how you're doing,
to see if you're alive, to see if you need anything.
At the end of that month, I promise you, you
will be surprised by how many people can go one
month, two months, even up to three months without
hearing from you at all. They won't even bother
to call or text to say hello, you okay, go to
hell, fuck you, nothing. And it'd be the very
people that you've done the most for, or the
people that you have gone out of your way to
help. It'd be them. Now I want to say this. This
experiment isn't for everybody, you know, because
it can be very humbling and very eye -opening.
If you're someone that's tender -hearted or someone
that doesn't deal with isolation very well, then
I would... Urge you to exercise caution if you're
going to do something like this because it can
lead to severe depression. Particularly if you
already have mental health issues going on. So
just be mindful of that. But do take note of
the people who do call in to you know or text
to check in on you because those are going to
be your people. Those are going to be your people
moving forward. Those are people that you're
going to go above and beyond for. Those are people
who when they call you're gonna you're gonna
answer it if they're letting it go to voicemail
Does anybody even check voicemail anymore Like
seriously, I don't know I haven't checked my
my voicemail in like years There could be messages
on there from you know job offers family People
could have passed away out The lottery could
have been telling me how I won something. I wouldn't
know. I have not. I literally have not checked
my voice been on like since 2024. I'm scared
to check it at this point. Listen, if you need
to contact me and if it's important, please text
me or send me an email or something that I can
read because I, you know, I need to see if there's
something I even have a mental capacity to deal
with because I'm all about peace right now at
this time in my life. I will go out of my way.
I will capitulate. I will walk away. I will relocate.
I'll do whatever I need to do to maintain my
peace. Yesterday, I saw a video. It was a video
on YouTube. This guy was talking about family
and other things and cutting people off. And
he was saying, if you got to cut family off,
then cut them off. He said, Blood is not thicker
than my peace of mind. And I just love the way
he put that. I feel like he hit the nail on the
head. Blood is not thicker than my peace of mind.
That's exactly how I feel right now. And it was
just refreshing to hear someone else share that
same point of view because when you start finally
putting yourself first, and unsubscribing from
everything that starts to chip away at your peace
of mind, including family sometimes in some instances,
you almost feel guilty at first. You sort of
feel like the bad guy. And it can be a really
lonely road for a lot of people unless you're
built a certain way. For me, I love solitude.
I love solitude. I love being alone. It doesn't
make me feel lonely or anything like that. If
anything being alone Recharges me and that's
often when my best creative energy flows, you
know But yeah, needless to say my inner circle
has gotten really small over the years and I'm
totally okay with that I'm totally okay with
that Meeting new people and acquaintances all
that is fine But I really don't have a desire
to make friends the way I used to back in the
day. It's just For me, it's just more trouble
than it's worth. And you know what else can be
challenging too? When you're dating someone or
you're married to someone and they have pre -existing
friends or friend groups that you kind of sort
of get grandfathered into, sometimes that can
be kind of dicey because maybe you don't really
like their friends like that. Especially when
there are other couples in the group because
Invariably, you know how this goes guys There's
always gonna be one person in a group that you
like better than the other one and it never fails
Especially with couples there's always one that's
cool. And then there's one that's not so cool
I Really want to say something else. I'm not
gonna say that but basically there's always one
bitch And a lot of time, and I don't mean women,
you know, because if you haven't noticed, and
I've said this to some people, some people might
take this the wrong way, men are the new bitches.
I've been saying this for years. I stand on it.
Some of the bitchiest people I have come across
over the years have been men. I don't know what
that's about. And I feel like women are the new
men. I think, not even me, think about any married
couple that you know personally. Think about
any married couple and think about who really
wears the pants in that relationship and who
runs the show. You don't have to answer because
I already know. I already know it's her. Eight,
nine times out of ten. Think about your job.
Who's running the show at your job? Who's bossing
everyone around? Who's running your company's
HR department? Oh, HR. Think about your company's
HR department. You probably can count the number
of men in HR on one hand. HR are the gatekeepers,
by the way. You guys know this, right? They know
all of your business. HR knows where all the
bodies are buried. They know who has drug and
alcohol problems. They know who's about to get
fired, who's about to get hired. They know everything.
And you can go complain to them if you want to
about shit that's going on in the workplace and
what's fair and what's not on You can do that
if you want to and they will make you think that
they are your advocate They'll let you think
that and they will let you spill your guts out
and tell everything but trust and believe your
personnel file is Being annotated with coded
language that signals. You are not a team player
Just hear me on that. This is what happens You
will be applying for promotions and you you might
even get interviewed a couple of times But it's
just the formality, but you will not be selected
Okay, I'm going off on a tangent. My point is
that HR knows everybody business. They're not
your friend If you think any of that stuff that
you tell them is private you need to think again
if you ever find yourself wondering how you Personal
business and your private stuff got out and everybody
knows it and especially if it's a work related
or work adjacent Matter or something like that.
It was HR. I'm telling you because if you think
about it At the end of the day those people in
HR. They're just like you they have spouses.
They have siblings They have best friends and
confidants just like you do Okay, imagine Imagine
one of your friends Maybe not your best friend,
but just one of your friends, one of your good
friends calls you and they share something personal
with you and they ask you not to tell anybody.
Seven times out of ten, you're probably on speakerphone.
Think about who's in the room who may have overheard
it. It could have been your spouse, your kids,
whoever. They may have heard bits and pieces
of the conversation. Let's scratch that and say
you were alone and nobody overheard the conversation.
No matter how tight -lipped you might be, everybody
has that one person who they tell stuff to with
the understanding, hey, don't tell anybody. But
most people, it's their spouse, right? Even if
someone agrees not to say anything or to keep
your secret, they're not going to keep a secret
from their husband or from their wife. So now
that's two people who know your secret. Your
spouse has a best friend. He or she is gonna
tell someone who they trust again with the understanding
that you know Don't say anything keep it a secret
and it just kind of goes from there and that's
how secrets get out That's how your business
gets in the streets All that stuff is from telling
just one person Or some folks in HR don't tell
them folks in HR none of your business I'm telling
you they are not your friends and if you're sleeping
with a co -worker or your boss and That stuff
goes left. You better keep your mouth shut about
it. If you have substance abuse issues or, you
know, your job has like a drug test thing going
on and they give you this line about, hey, if
you come to us and let us know you're struggling
with addiction, we can help you. Yeah, they will
help you. They will help you right out on the
street. You know, I don't want to be the dead
horse. Y 'all get the point. If you have something
that you really Want to get off your chest best
person to give it to us to give it to god God
has not broken a confidence yet ever Now the
bible does say that the lord is a revealer of
secrets, but that's referencing something else
that's referencing truth that's Being purposely
hidden for time until god decides otherwise But
yeah, by all means go to god with whatever is
troubling you It doesn't matter if you haven't
spoken to god in 50 years It doesn't matter.
He has all the time in the world. Whenever you're
ready, he will be there waiting for you without
judgment. So I hope whoever needs to hear that
really heard that. All right, look, on that note,
let's take a quick commercial break. Go and refresh
your drinks. Text a friend or a family member
and send them the link to this show so they can
catch the second half of it. All right. You're
listening to Live with Dr. Andre Jerry. We'll
be right back. Hi, I'm James Baller of Artists
First Radio, and I would like to tell you about
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Welcome to another broadcast of Spiritual Concerns,
the Deborah Ruffini Show on Artists First Radio
Network. We're live from England on Saturdays
and Sundays, 3pm New York, 8pm London. All past
shows or podcasts, find them at artistsfirst
.com. I'll be your host where issues relating
to the spiritual matters of concern will be largely
examined and discussed. Enjoy the show. Hey everybody,
welcome back to the show. Thanks for staying
tuned through the commercial break. We have a
lot of fun during the commercial break. I was
just laughing at something. Hey look, if you
guys are just tuning in, you're listening to
Live with Dr. Andre Jerry. Tonight we're talking
about boundaries, peace, and what it looks like
to stop forcing ourselves to be on for everybody
else. We've been having an honest conversation
about friendships and social fatigue, introversion.
And yes, we've been having some conversations
about that damn HR department at your job. So
I hope you guys are able to refresh your drinks
and whatnot. Speaking of drinks, I need to give
you guys an update on something. OK, so this
is not something I planned in terms of putting
it on my New Year's resolution list or anything
like that. But I've decided to go dry this year.
I decided to go dry. I'm not going to drink alcohol.
Now, I'll be clear. Those of you that follow
the show, you already know this. I've already
reduced significantly my alcohol consumption
last year. But for 2026, I've decided to detox
completely from alcohol. Not forever. I'm just
doing it for the rest of the year. This is not
a lifetime declaration. But it may be. Who knows?
Who knows how I feel at the end of this year?
And what's interesting is that I'm really good
with this decision. There was no fear. There
was no internal bargaining. No, oh, damn, this
is going to be hard. I don't know how I'm going
to get through this. It's been surprisingly easy.
I'm going to tell you how this came about. It
was either the first or second day of the year.
We had already rang in the new year. And I was
meditating. I was deep in meditation. And something
just came over me. I don't know what to call
it. It was an awareness, a state of being. I
don't know what it was, but the message was very
simple and clear. It said, you don't need to
drink this year. I wouldn't say it was God speaking
to me directly. It felt different. It felt like
a higher version of myself, Stephanie, or something.
But in either case, I understood immediately.
you know, what I needed to do. There was no resistance,
there was no protest, just an inner knowing that,
hey, we're gonna do this. And so far, so good.
You know, I already feel lighter, I feel clearer,
more present. So, yeah, I'm all in with this
and I'm looking forward to it. You know, we forget
sometimes that ethanol, And ethanol is the alcohol
that's present in beer, wine, liquor, stuff like
that. Ethanol is a cellular toxin. So what that
means is that when we ingest it, our bodies literally
treat it like it's poison. And it prioritizes
breaking it down over anything else that your
body has going on. So abstaining from alcohol
for 12 months, You know, that's a reasonable
sacrifice to make for my health and for my overall
wellness. You know what I mean? And plus, this
is something I've done before. I've done this
before. I've shared with you guys many, many,
many episodes ago during my first deployment
to Saudi, I didn't drink for that first year.
And that was largely because I wasn't clued in
yet. I wasn't clued in about how to get access
to alcohol, that we could even get alcohol. because
alcohol is of course banned in Saudi, along with
weed and everything else. So I naturally assumed
that it wouldn't be made available to us. I was
fine with it. But if you go to another, and I
didn't know this, but if you go to another country
on a diplomatic mission and you have a diplomatic
passport, you are able to get access To otherwise
restricted or banned items just depends on what
it is and with limitations, of course But you
go through the US Embassy. They have a whole
program. It takes Probably like two weeks or
you know a month depending on your your admin
how slow there there are how fast they are to
get Approved for but you basically go through
the US Embassy to get access to alcohol and other
things And I didn't find that out until near
the end of my first deployment to Saudi Arabia.
So it pays to be clued in with the right people.
And in my case, it was for the best. It was definitely
for the best because I had just lost my mom.
I was still grieving. I was very heartbroken.
I was a bit lonely. I don't get lonely a lot,
but I was a bit lonely. I was homesick. I was
detached from my support system that I was used
to. you know, my family, my loved ones. So having
direct access to alcohol at that time, it wouldn't
have been the best look for me. Not then. I would
have likely abused alcohol in all honesty. So
God knows what he'd be doing. You know, I was
already kind of heavy on alcohol on a good day.
So you can imagine how I would have threw back
the drinks in a depressed state. while I'm grieving
the biggest loss of my life. I don't think I
would have allowed it to impact my job, but you
never know. You never know. But for sure, I would
have compromised my overall health and wellness.
So I'm glad that I didn't know what I didn't
know at the time. It all worked out. Speaking
of things that I didn't know, while I didn't
know I didn't know alcohol was available. I didn't.
So I thank God for that. But I did have to learn
some stuff the hard way when I was in Saudi Arabia.
And it really sucks to have to learn shit the
hard way if you can help it. And what's sad about
this is that intellectually, I already knew this,
what I'm about to tell you and share with you.
And I'm sharing this, anytime I'm sharing any
of my business, it's to help you all. you know
somebody's going to hear this and they're going
to avoid stepping in some crap okay so eight
times out of ten i'm going to go ahead and go
out on the limb and say nine times out of ten
nine times out of ten it is a horrible idea to
become romantically involved with a co -worker
and i knew this i knew it but you have to understand
like i mentioned before i wasn't quite myself
When I first arrived to Saudi, I wasn't in a
good headspace. Just lost my mom was still grieving.
My mom died quite suddenly. I don't know if I
share that with you guys. She went into the hospital
and then less than two weeks later she was gone.
So I was devastated. I was grieving. I was in
a bit of a fog. I was present, but I wasn't fully
present. And it's like I was on autopilot. And
so anyway, I became romantically involved with
a colleague, and it just sort of happened. For
me, it just sort of happened. In retrospect,
I can see where there may have been some intention
and motive on her side, but I didn't realize
I was a marked man, so to speak. And I'll get
into all that. And for context, this was during
the early stages of COVID. There wasn't even
a vaccine available yet. It was still in development.
So when I first arrived to Saudi, I was in quarantine
and I hadn't met any of my coworkers or my supervisor,
not in person. I've talked to them on the phone,
we've done emails and all of that. So I had to
quarantine and back then it was for 14 days.
You came to the country, you had to quarantine
for 14 days. So it was a very lonely time. Um,
and everyone was in a state of panic because
of the pandemic and we didn't know what was going
on. It was a lot of just a lot of crap going
on in the Saudis were not playing about quarantining.
They were screening people very heavily around
that time. Uh, you were not about to bring COVID
up in their country. They were not having it.
And you couldn't pull any of this. I don't want
to wear a mask BS. You couldn't, it was either
wear a mask or we're sending your ass home. So
that's how they approached it. So a couple of
days before I arrived, my boss had someone go
to the grocery store for me because, you know,
I get there and you have to quarantine so you
can't go anywhere. So I sent him a list of some
items and, you know, food, things that I like
to eat. And he made sure that I was taken care
of during that quarantine period. And I'll never
forget this. It was in October and my birthday
is in October and my birthday feel right. in
the middle of that quarantine period. And listen,
I've never really been a big birthday celebration
person. I don't tend to really do extravagant
stuff on my birthday. That's just not me. I'm
always happy to see another year, but I don't
really make a big deal out of my birthday. But
I remember talking on my phone with someone I
was dating at the time. Yes. Technically, I was
in a relationship at that time, but just hear
me out. It was long distance. It's a long story.
I don't want to get into it. I'm gonna write
a book about it one day, but for now, just hear
me out about the story. Okay, so it's my birthday.
I think I was turning 41 or 42, but you know,
anyway, I'm in a foreign country. I'm quarantined.
I'm on the phone with my current situation, right?
I hear the doorbell ring. So I go downstairs
and I see this really cute young lady. And I
could tell she was cute. Even though she had
her mask on, I could tell she was cute. And she
introduced herself as one of my colleagues, and
she explained that she was the one who processed
all of my paperwork for a newcomer orientation.
And she wanted to make sure my visa was approved
and my work permit and all that stuff. She got
all that stuff squared away. And she had heard
that it was my birthday, she said. And she knew
since I was quarantined, I couldn't go anywhere.
And I didn't know anybody yet. So she brought
me this gift basket, this really nice gift basket
that she made. And it had juice, it had snacks,
soda, some other stuff. I think maybe even a
couple of beers she put inside. And she wished
me a happy birthday. And she was like, hey, if
you need anything, I live right across the street.
On top of her being obviously good looking, she
was a little short, but that doesn't matter.
I thought that was really, really such a kind,
thoughtful gesture that she would take a moment
to do that, recognize it was my birthday, and
just do all of that. I thanked her. I told her
it was very nice. I went back to my conversation.
But I remember being glad that at least I was
working with people who seemed to be pretty nice
for the most part. Okay, so fast story, I'm out
of quarantine. I'm working with my team and the
young lady. You know, she worked in the same
area. Part of her job, like I said, was processing
all of the paperwork for the incoming diplomats.
So she had everybody's information. She had dates
of birth, social, your picture, your visa. She
knew your marital status. She knew everything.
I mean, it was just part of her job, but she
had access to that information. So as time progresses,
we're working closely together. We talk every
day. Eventually she started inviting me to her
house for dinner and it was innocent enough.
People did that. You know people would buy groceries
and cook and invite people over. It was very
normal because you're away from your family so
you build sort of a community with the people
that you're working with and plus she liked to
cook and it seemed you know appropriate and she
seemed to appreciate having someone to cook for
and all of that. Did my current boyfriend know
I was going to her house for dinner? Yeah, I
told him he wasn't really a fan of it. He advised
against it, but I assured him that you know everything
was above board. We have been hanging out. There
was nothing inappropriate going on. So you know
it was fine. So I thought. So. Over the month.
over the months or whatever we start to hang
out we get along no issues no one's coming on
to anybody you know she's good people she put
me on all the places to go where to shop where
to get groceries all the cool places to visit
how to ditch your security detail and just explore
the city on your own all the the stuff you know
um she was very clued in she was like a party
girl off the clock so i would go with her to
some of the most exclusive house parties. And
these were house parties where they had all of
the alcohol, all the weed, hose, just everything.
And she was the one that put me on to how to
register for alcohol access through the embassy.
So we became fast friends and she got to know
the real Andre very early on. We were really
comfortable with each other. And in all this
time, like I said, nothing romantic is happening.
Well, One afternoon after work. I was at her
place for dinner She invited me over to come
later that night to have some drinks or whatever
and to Watch a show that we have been talking
about And at first I didn't see any harm in it
because I mean I knew she kind of liked me But
it had been over a month at that point nothing
inappropriate happened I didn't see any harm
in it plus. She knew I was in a relationship,
so I was fairly comfortable that nothing was
going to pop off. So even with that, I wasn't
a fool. I didn't tell my boyfriend at the time
that I was going back over there to watch a movie.
He just would not have understood that. Plus,
in my mind, I wasn't trying to do anything anyway,
even if she was. So anyway, we're there. We're
watching a movie. She had one of those L -shaped
sectional sofas. So I'm sitting on one side.
She's sitting on the other. we're laughing we're
joking whatever all of a sudden she puts her
feet in my lap and I Can't remember whether I
shared this with her prior to this or not, but
I have a foot fetish So if you put your feet
on me, I'm not talking about no jacked up feet
They got to be pretty feet. Okay, but and this
is for me and women I have a foot fetish and
she has some really pretty feet. They were nice
and soft and freshly manicured Nails painted
and all of that. So just instinctively I started
rubbing her feet and massaging her feet and I
started cracking her toes and I'm just going
to town on her feet. Well, before I knew it,
we started kissing. And I'm talking about passionately
kissing like this. We about to pick some shit
up kissing and just everything. And in my head
I can see my boyfriend's face. And I started
to feel really guilty. And part of me was like,
part of me was like, I'm about to tear her up.
But then I had this other side of me that was
like, Andre, you always do this. You always do
this. You ain't shit if you do this. So I started
to pull away. I started to pull away from her
while we were kissing. I literally said, wait,
we shouldn't be doing this. And she was kind
of still in it. She was like, why? You don't
want me? And she's still kissing on me and stuff.
And I was like, this isn't a good idea. We work
together. I'm seeing somebody. But she did not
want to stop. And she was like, we're both adults.
We know how to keep it professional work. And
I was like, yeah, I know. But we got to stop.
So we stop. And we try to go back to watching
the movie. We're not really watching a movie.
We're just both kind of staring at the screen.
And I can tell that both of us are just thinking
about what almost happened. But at this point,
I just kind of wanted to leave and go back across
the street to my villa. But I was hard as a rock.
And I was kind of ashamed to stand up. So I just
kind of sat there. And we're both staring at
the screen. OK, so fast forward. The show goes
off, and she's like, it's getting late. And I
know that when she says it's getting late, that's
my cue to leave. So we get to work the next day.
Everything's cool. We speak. There's no issue.
I want to say the following day after that, she
even invited me over for dinner again. And I
said yes. And we end up watching another episode
of that show. And halfway through it, she pops
her feet up on me again. And mind you, this is
how we got started last time. And we've already
established that I'm turned on by pretty feet.
So she's got her feet in my lap. And I'm like,
OK, she's trying to start up again. And I can
already feel myself starting to get aroused.
The first time she put her feet in my lap, I
told you I immediately started rubbing them.
This time, I kind of froze. And I didn't know
what to do. So instead of rubbing her feet, I
started kind of patting them. Like kind of like
you would like a little dog that you just met
and That shit pissed her off She snatched her
feet off of me and she was like just forget it
And I was like what what's wrong with you? I
thought you mad because I didn't rub your feet
and she was like nothing nothing Just watch the
show Andre kind of like that and so We're both
sitting. We're staring at the screen. The whole
vibe was different. The whole vibe had changed.
Everything was off. So after a few minutes, I
was like, all right, I'm going to go back to
my place. Good night. And then she was like,
good night. You know, we're really dry like that.
So clearly she was pissed off. I get to work
the next day. And the way the office is set up,
I have to pass her office to get to my office,
right? So when I get to her office, I poke my
head in, like I always do when I say, Good morning.
You know, that's just what I do. This is exactly
how it went. I walk up past her, her, her office.
I say, Hey, good morning. And she hits me with
the good morning really dry like that. And I
was like, Oh, okay. I see how this is going to
go. I see how this is going to go. I'm just going
to let her have her moment today. You know, I
know some women have a hard time when they feel
rejected or whatever. So I get it. So I let it
go. And I continued to be polite every morning.
I would speak like I always do. And she mumbled
this dry good morning with an attitude. And this
went on for like three, four days. I thought
it was going to go on for like maybe two days.
This continued for like a week. Until one day
I got really tired of this shit because we worked
too close in proximity to be having this type
of shit going on at work. So one day I walked
into her office and I was like, are we okay?
You know, and she was like, what do you mean?
I was like, I mean, how long are we going to
be like this with this half speaking and dry
good mornings and aborting each other? How long
is this going to go on? Because clearly you are
upset with me. And she was like, Mr. Jerry, we're
fine. And I was like, oh, I'm Mr. Jerry now.
OK. OK, I got you. And I was like, well, look,
Ms. Green, whenever you're, I didn't mean to
say that girl name, Z, block that out when you
do the rerecord. I was like, when you're ready
to have a real conversation, you know where my
office is. And then I walked out. But before
I could walk out of her office, she hit me with
this, you have a nice day. And I don't like that.
I don't like that type of passive aggressive,
gaslighting type stuff. I don't like that. And
back then, this was before I started to get therapy,
I had to have the last word back in the day.
I go back to my office and I'm still pissed.
I'm pissed at her. I'm pissed at myself because
I knew this was going to happen. I knew it. I
knew better than to allow myself to get romantically
involved with a colleague. I already knew this.
And, you know, because at this point I've been
in the workplace over 20 years. I already knew
what time it was. And plus that have a nice day
remark, that really kind of stuck in my crop
because I know what that means. That's corporate
for fuck you. Basically. So I'm just thinking
about everything. I can barely concentrate on
my work. And like I said, back then, I had to
have the last word. So I stormed back to her
office, I closed the door behind me, and I just
let it rip. I was like, see, this is why I told
you this wasn't a good idea. You swore up and
down that it wouldn't be a problem, that we were
those who were going to keep it professional,
all that bullshit. Now look at us. You clearly
have like an issue with me and instead of want
to you know trying to work through it You want
to try to gloss over everything and play this
kind of nice nasty game I just kind of let it
rip and we were never the same after that And
it kind of morphed into this office vendetta.
I didn't speak to her She didn't speak to me.
It spilled over into our work It was clear to
everybody in the office that something happened
between those two And it was just unfortunate
to have people in our business that way for it
to end like that. But that's the risk that you
take when you get involved in these office romances.
And things of this nature tend to happen. It
can be all fun and exciting at first, but when
that shit goes sour, it goes sour. And it's just
not worth risking your reputation, your career.
your peace of mind at work. And a lot of us don't
like going to work anyway. So imagine adding
this type of unnecessary stress to your job.
And I'm gonna tell you something else about this
situation. Back when we were cool, part of the
camaraderie we had is talking about other people
at work, talking shit about people, talking about
our coworkers, talking about our supervisor and
all of that. After things went sour with us,
what I didn't know at the time was that she had
gotten chummy with our supervisor and she told
him all of the shit that At least I used to say
about him and how I really felt about him She
shared all that with him and I had been clocked
that they were getting chummy or whatever I didn't
think too much about it, but I never thought
that With her being mad at me and all of that
even with all of that I didn't think that she
would go back and tell our supervisor and share
our personal conversations like that. That's
not anything I would have ever done to her. So
I'm noticing different treatment from my boss,
and it wasn't long before I started to put two
and two together. Fast forward, and I never shared
this part of the story publicly, but my boss
calls me into his office one day, and this was
totally out of the blue. He called me into his
office and he told me that he was reclassifying
my position. from a managerial coded position
to a technical coded position, meaning he reclassified
it. And whoever was the new incumbent for that
job, the requirement was that they had to have
an MBA, which I had, and also an engineering
degree, which I don't have. I'm not an engineer.
So they were freezing me out. So he told me that
basically my job was ending. I would not be renewed
after that 12 month period. So what she did was
essentially work behind the scenes to get me
fired. I couldn't do anything about it. I just
had to take that loss and write out my contract.
But you know, when you do people like this, and
see I'm watching the time, when you do people
dirty like this, a lot of times what they end
up doing is inadvertently helping you. So long
story short, I ended up getting promoted. to
an upper management position. And just a little
over a year later, I end up coming back to Saudi
for a second diplomatic assignment. This time
I was in a higher position, even higher than
my boss who fired me. And oh, guess what ended
up happening to my boss? Okay, so apparently
in a private meeting with the team or whatever,
he said something really offensive about the
Saudis. And some kind of way it ended up being
recorded. Well, that recording ended up being
heard by the Ministry of Defense in Saudi Arabia.
And so not long after I left, they got his ass
out of there. But guess who replaced him? And
that's my Alexa going off in the background.
But guess who replaced my boss? This thing, the
one that got me fired. And, you know, even with
everything that she tried to do to me, I was
still happy for her. Because, you know, for a
woman, especially a black woman, to get that
level of management position in Saudi Arabia
where they don't really mess with women like
that, they don't want women in the meetings answering
to women, having women head meetings and things
like that. So for her to attain that level of
position in Saudi Arabia was quite remarkable.
And when I saw her again, I made it a point to
tell her that. I made it a point to go to her
office. And by the way, when she saw me back
in Saudi, you should have seen her face. It was
like she saw a ghost. She couldn't even play
it off. She was like, hello, Mr. Jerry. I said,
Dr. Jerry. And she was like, oh, you finally
finished your doctorate. I was like, yep, sure
did. And I know she was probably expecting me
to be nasty, but there was no need for that.
My title and my position said everything that
needed to be said But I did pull her to the side
and I congratulated her on her promotion and
I told her I said remember when we first met
You know back when you were miss party girl,
and I told you I told you that wasn't a good
look for you I told you stop going all those
parties house parties dancing drinking Carrying
on I told I told her I said that was not a good
look. That's not a good look for you focus on
your credentials Focus on your job and getting
rid of that group of people that you're hanging
with outside of work. Because I told her, I said,
if anything were to happen to our supervisor,
you're going to be the first one in line to take
his position because of your tenure. She had
the most tenure of anyone there. So I told her,
you may have stopped talking to me and all of
that, but you took my advice, didn't you? I see
you took my advice. And look where you are today.
You know you run this entire division, and I'm
proud of you. I told her that you know We never
went back to being friends, but you know all
of that that ship has sailed But like I said
I was happy that we were able to get to a place
of mutual respect for each other You know so
I said all that just to share Just to say this
really that entire situation with her could have
been avoided Not because I didn't know better
But because I wasn't in the right emotional state,
you know Yeah, I knew that I shouldn't be doing
that but I just was not in a good space Like
I said, I was grieving I was lonely. I was displaced
I was in a vulnerable state and when you're vulnerable
like that and you don't have the proper guardrails
you make Decisions that could end up costing
you your piece your job your focus your career
so here's a takeaway that I want you to to to
take here. And I really want you to hear these.
Being grown and educated and accomplished and
all of that, none of that stuff makes you immune
to poor judgment. That can happen to any one
of us. Like that saying, I forgot who said it,
but we're all one poor decision away from, you
know, being in jail or being in all types of
situations, especially when you have something
like grief and loneliness and stress going on.
Second thing, office romances. Rarely, rarely
worth the risk. They may start out fun. They
may feel exciting and all of that. But when they
go left, they go left so bad. And the consequences
can be something that you may not be able to
rebound from. Because you still have to go to
work. You still have to sit in those meetings.
You still have to deal with the power dynamics
and the egos and the retaliation and all the
stuff. OK, so keep that in mind. The third thing.
When people feel rejected, or embarrassed or
hurt. And I did apologize to her, by the way,
for anything I've ever done to make her feel
some type of way. But when people feel rejected
and embarrassed and stuff like that, they don't
have sometimes the emotional maturity yet to
deal with it. And they'll weaponize information
that you share with them in moments of trust.
So watch that. Watch that type of bitterness.
It's part of my experience, and I just don't
I don't, if I can prevent someone else from going
down that road, that's what I want to do. Here's
the last thing I'll say. Just because someone
wronged you don't mean you have to become bitter.
Don't become bitter at the end. God is going
to take care of you. He's going to make sure
that you win in the end. If you stay respectful,
if you stay humble, if you just try your best
to say, yeah, I f 'ed up, I did. But what did
I take away from that? What did I learn? For
me, life end up Correcting itself. I got a better
position the titles change everybody ended up
exactly where they were supposed to be So, you
know there comes a point in life where you just
kind of stop Blaming other people and you start
taking a look at yourself You know, so I hope
I Said something in this episode that helped
you think Help you make their decisions moving
forward helped you protect your peace because
really it's non -negotiable if you don't have
peace It's going to be hard to get the things
done that you want to get done this year. All
right. So look, I've gone over time. That's my
time for tonight. Like I said, this episode resonated
with you. Share it with someone. The link will
be ready soon. Share the playback with someone
who's learning how to choose themselves without
all the guilt. All right. As always, thank you
so much for rocking with me this evening. I appreciate
it so much. This has been live with Dr. Andre
Jerry. Until next time, be well, be honest with
yourself. and stop forcing what no longer fits.
Good night everybody.