Dr. Jerry, you got the whole world waiting. Been
ready for you to start the conversation. Your
point of view, it got the haters confused. Leave
it up to you to bring us all the good news. Positive
vibes and the sex appeal too. Dr. Andre Jerry,
can I get an interview? And welcome to another
episode of Live with Dr. Andre Jerry, your destination
for bold conversations, unfiltered truth, and
practical inspiration to help you unlock your
best life. I'm your host, Dr. Andre Jerry, broadcasting
live from San Juan, Puerto Rico. And tonight's
show is sponsored by Amazon Autos. Because spending
six hours at the car dealership is so 2005. With
Amazon Autos, you can browse, buy, and boom.
Your new ride shows up at your door. So stick
around. We'll hear more about our sponsor during
the break. But for now, let's go ahead and get
into tonight's conversation. So many of you listening
may have parents or grandparents who are getting
up there in age, and they may still be doing
pretty well for themselves. But you may be quietly
wondering about what type of care they may eventually
need a few years from now. Some of you may already
be in the thick of it and may be already managing
care for a parent that has dementia or some other
type of serious illness, all while trying to
juggle your own career and your own family and
your own sanity. And here's a question that most
families don't want to face. Do you have a clear
plan in place for your loved one's final wishes?
I'm talking about the type of care that They
want, you know, the medical treatments they do
or don't want, how the finances are going to
be handled, and yes, even burial arrangements.
I know it's a tough conversation and we avoid
it a lot, often times until it's too late, but
having that plan in place can be the difference
between chaos and clarity and between having
a family conflict and having family peace. So,
my guest tonight is here to help us navigate
some of these questions and a lot more. Janice
Lombardo is a certified end -of -life doula.
She's a Willow end -of -life educator, a dementia
practitioner, published author, and advocate
with over 24 years of experience in guiding families
through one of life's most difficult seasons.
Her work moves families from fear to preparation.
and from chaos to clarity, bridging the gaps
in the hospice and palliative care while offering
the compassion and practical tools caregivers
need the most. Janice has been a recurring guest
here on the Artist First Radio Network, having
recently appeared on the Harriet Tramer's popular
show, Aging Without Wrinkles. And she's been
a featured guest on numerous other podcasts and
panels and other speaking events. And she brings
both a professional expertise, and a deeply personal
experience as a primary giver for her own father
and aunt. She knows the challenges firsthand,
and that's why I'm excited to have her on tonight's
show, because she's going to share her insights,
her resources, and strategies that you can use
to help prepare, plan, and protect what matters
most. So Janice Lombardo, welcome to Live with
Dr. Andre Jerry. So glad to have you on. Well,
thank you so much. I am thrilled to be here I'm
so happy that you are willing to talk about this
because we all need to be prepared and like I
decided to you know, go through a long long time
ago and Because I've been a primary caregiver
for several elderly family members over the last
24 years and There are things that you just cannot
understand that are going to pop up. And if you
have no support or you have no resources, it
can make that journey incredibly difficult, chaotic,
and very unpleasant for a caregiver at this point
in time. Yes, that's absolutely true. And that's
why I've really been genuinely looking forward
to this conversation tonight. And not because
it's a glamorous topic or anything like that,
but it's one of the most important conversations
that families and caregivers need to be having
right now. I was just talking with a friend,
talking about how we all live through one of
the most devastating pandemics of our lifetime.
COVID didn't just take millions of lives, including
my mother's, but it also expose how unprepared
a lot of families are to handle, you know, the
realities of end of life decisions and medical
care, final wishes, all the stuff that comes
along with having to make those types of decisions.
And the result for a lot of them has been a lot
of confusion, stress, heartache on top of having
to deal with grief. So that's why I'm so grateful
to have you on here tonight. You coined a phrase
that you often use in your interviews and in
your marketing materials, which is you plan for
birth, now let's plan for all of life too. And
I love that quote. I'd love for you to unpack
that a bit and tell us what it means. And in
your own words, why this conversation we're having
tonight is so important for families and caregivers.
Well, thank you so much. You know, growing up,
We didn't talk about dying death illness you
had a family member or a loved one pass away
You went to the funeral and then life just kind
of carried on as usual grief was not something
that was really Acknowledged or you know, what
what do you do to help somebody through that
process? so when I was younger and going through
having my own children. I learned unfortunately
the hard way about what happens if you don't
really plan for birth or if the plans that you
have don't exactly work out as well as you would
have hoped. So when my mom's cancer journey started
in 2003 and I and my father were her primary
caregivers. I was also raising two school -aged
children at the time, so I was a sandwich generation
parent. And there were so many things that I
did not know. And before my mother was actually
diagnosed, I had my own cancer journey that I'm
really lucky to still be here. And so I made
up my mind at that point in time that I was going
to do everything in my power to be prepared,
to make sure that I did the research, make sure
that when I had my daughter, I had a birthing
doula, which was still something that really
was not popular at the time. And you had to pay
for those services out of pocket. But after the
experience I had with my son, I wasn't going
to go in by myself. I wanted an advocate. I wanted
somebody who would be able to talk doctor speak,
so to speak, while still supporting me and making
sure that I didn't go through what I did with
birth of my son. So after my mom passed away
in 2011, I thought I was going to be a nurse.
And so I started courses to get into nursing
school. And then that didn't to pan out, something
else came up and about two, three weeks before
the pandemic hit and shut everything down, I
was actually going to drive to Michigan. I'm
in Ohio for a four day intensive to become trained
as an end of life doula because everything that
I had read about it and was taught about it was
just, it made so much sense. And it really spoke
to me. And because of our healthcare system for
many years. It isn't just a new issue. This has
been going on for a really long time. I did not
want another family member or myself to go through
a chronic illness or a sudden illness or accident
or whatever and not be prepared. So when I started
this journey in April, March of 2020 I took coursework
online and got my certification that way because
obviously I wasn't going to be driving to Michigan
when everything was shut down. So I felt that
a message that would resonate with folks because
a lot of people do know what a birthing doula
is. They still don't know what an end -of -life
doula is. So that's why my tagline is you plan
for birth. Now let's plan for all of life too
because that's like I said our religions mostly
do not deal with death our Families didn't talk
about it. It's not something that is pleasant
to think about But if you're going to be the
adult in the room take ownership of it. This
is part of life and If you go through the process,
I promise you that it will not be as scary as
your imagination is leading you to think that
it is. Absolutely. And I love how your work is
tied to your personal story, and it speaks to
the passion that drives the work that you do.
As you mentioned, one of your official titles
is certified end of life doula. And as you mentioned,
most people know the role of a doula when it
comes to birth but not death and honestly before
learning about your work I had never even heard
the term end of life doula or death doula as
our mutual friend Scott likes to put it. But
for those listening who may not know, can you
sort of explain what an end of life doula does
and how your services differ from other death
doulas who help people transition to the afterlife?
An end -of -life doula is a non -medical person
who works with individuals and their loved ones
and provides holistic care and support and guidance
and resources so that the individual who may
be terminal or actively dying feels that they
are being supported and their caregivers, their
loved ones. are also being supported by having
someone like me with them to help guide and navigate,
to help with those moments where everything is
just so overwhelming and just to have another
individual who says, I understand what you're
dealing with. I can share with you some tips
that I learned so that maybe you're not going
to be suffering so much at this point in time.
But all end -of -life doulas do not do the same
job. So there are a number of end -of -life doulas
who work with hospice. There are end -of -life
doulas like me who help people create their directive
plans, final wishes, make sure that they have
those difficult conversations with their loved
ones to share with them what they want at the
end of life. Um, and I can go from personal experience
on this one. When my mom was sick, my only goal
was keeping her alive. I would move mountains.
I would have traded places with her, but obviously
that was not possibility. And if I had had someone
who understood the process because What happens
with hospice and palliative care is that you
have a nurse or someone who is medically trained
give you about an hour's worth of instruction
as to how to help your loved one. It's just not
enough time and there are so many things. It's
like being a deer in the headlights and the nurses
and the medical staff, they know this and so
they can just, you know, say it in their sleep.
You're the family member grieving before your
loved one has passed watching helplessly wanting
to do what you can do but feeling so overwhelmed
and It's just not a good place to be So having
someone like me to stand by you to stand by your
loved one to be able to share That time to be
able to give you a little respite break Those
are the types of things that end -of -life doulas
do. The other part of an end -of -life doula's
job, which I do not do, is to actually vigil
with an individual who is actively dying. I did
that for my mom. I will do that for other family
members, but it's too hard for me, and I'm going
to be completely honest. And I would prefer to
be at the beginning of the journey. I want to
help you get your ducks in a row. I want you
to have, you know, those conversations with your
loved ones because it isn't just about having
a will or a living will. It's about having powers
of attorney. It's about having people that you
trust and know. to assign them and they accept
that role to make decisions for you based on
your own wishes as to whether or not you want
to have a DNR, which is a do not resuscitate.
If you want to have any more treatments or if
you decide that you want comfort care, which
would be hospice. So having an end of life doula
help advocate with you for that. makes so much
more sense and it makes the process much easier
even though it can be sad and it will be, but
it isn't like you're completely shifting in the
wind, so to speak. And I'm glad you broke it
down because there are a lot of misconceptions
out there about what an end -of -life doula actually
does. So I'm glad that you went into detail about
the services you provide and also what you don't
provide. Because I can imagine, visualing through
and helping someone transition to the other side,
I can imagine that is completely draining. And
like you said, you did it for a family member
and you'll do it for other family members. But
just to offer that to the public, I can imagine.
only just imagine how draining that would be
for you. So thanks for the clarification on that.
Something that really stood out to me when I
visited your website was the fact that you advertise
your business as an LGBTQ friendly business.
And on top of that, you also completed cultural
competency training to ensure that you're fully
equipped to serve diverse communities. Why was
it important to make that commitment so clear?
And what does that mean in terms of the way you
serve clients from various backgrounds? I'm an
equal opportunity supporter. I have had friends
who have been in the LGBTQ community. My son
is in the LGBTQ community and I support him no
matter what. Everyone should have access to every
kind of care possible. Nobody should be excluded
for any reason. So I really, I know how challenging
it can be for different communities, not just
LGBTQ, but also the black community, the Asian
community, the Hispanic community. We all have,
it's all the same process. It's just who else
is there to help guide you? And I don't think
that those services should ever be excluded for
anyone. They should be available to everyone.
Because there's just too many things that could
go wrong. There are too many things that if you
just had a little bit of guidance and someone
to say, it's okay. You're doing great. I know
it's hard right now, but it won't last forever,
but your loved one will be okay. They are going
to transition, but you're prepared. And so I'm
here to stand with you to make sure that everybody
is okay. Um, you know, I'm not worried about
any of our political things that are excluding
people. I will never, ever exclude anyone. That's
just not how I am. And thank you so much for
your commitment to ensuring diversity and cultural
competency in your services. It's very much needed
with so much exclusion going on with this current
political environment. Not to get into much detail
about that, but we all know what's happening
and see what's happening with that. So having
a service and a company such as yours go out
of its way to say, hey, yes, we welcome LGBTQ.
We welcome other diverse communities. That really
means a lot to me and a lot of other people.
So thank you so much for that. Well, thank you.
And you know, timing is particularly important
when it comes to end of life care and planning.
And a lot of people, they don't know when to
start the conversation or when to bring someone
like you into the process. So from your perspective,
when is the ideal time for a family to connect
with you if they're interested in your services?
I'm sure it's not best to wait until the person
has already advanced in their care. But just
in your own words, when is the best time for
them to reach out to you for an ideal outcome?
The sooner the better. I didn't think about this,
but it has pretty much come to my attention.
Any child that becomes an adult the age of 18,
they should have directive plans. They should
have final wishes. They should also have powers
of attorney chosen because they go off to college
or they go work somewhere or they move and a
catastrophic event happens. You as their parent
have no legal standing You cannot make decisions
for them. You cannot do anything at that point
and That would as a mom that would just absolutely
devastate me personally I know that this has
happened with some other folks in our community
where there have been catastrophic events that
have happened to some of our 18 and 20 -year
-olds and there was nothing in place. So, barring
that, anybody over the age of 20, you should
at least have something in place. These are living
documents. They can change as life events change.
And so, If you are in a family, you have multiple
siblings, starting this process sooner than later
could avoid some of the infighting with your
siblings as far as how things need to be or who
is going to take responsibility for what. There
are no guarantees in this life. So the sooner
that you start the process, the better. And that's
really the only thing I can say. I never had
that conversation with my mom. And this is one
of the other reasons why I'm so adamant about
starting sooner than later. Because of the things
that had happened with her, I drove them to the
hospital on Easter Sunday in 2011 and she never
came home. And so the things that happened in
that first week, she wasn't getting any better.
She was getting sicker. They finally told her
and I that there was nothing more medically that
they could do for her. And within an hour or
so, her oncologist came to me and told me that
I had 24 hours to find a place to bring her.
And I just kind of looked at him and I said,
what if it takes longer than that? Oh, I'm sure
you can handle it. You'll find someplace. And
I said, here's the thing. If it takes longer,
she's not going anywhere. And I am telling you
this right now. So... It took us a couple of
days to find a place. We didn't really have an
option of letting her come home to pass away.
I was concerned about what that would do to my
father. And so we found a nursing home that wasn't
too far away. We brought her by ambulance to
the nursing home. She fell asleep. When she woke
up, my dad and I were with her. And she looked
at me and she said, I cannot believe you did
this to me. And it tore my heart out. And I said,
Mom, I can't believe I did either. But I didn't
know what else to do. So I was trying to make
sure that my dad was gonna be okay. And I didn't
know what her wishes were because we never talked
about it. Which is why it's so freaking important
to talk about it. Just because you talk about
it doesn't mean it's going to happen tomorrow.
We're all going to live for a long time for the
most part, most of us. So, you know, like I said,
gird your loins, put your big girl or boy panties
on, take the bull by the horns, do the job, make
the decision so that your loved ones don't have
to while they are actively grieving for you.
That is one of the worst things. We were planning
my mom's funeral while she was actively dying.
I don't recommend it. It's not a fun time and
it haunts you for a really long time afterwards.
My mom's been gone for 14 years and I still think
about some of the things that I did and wish
that I had been able to do them differently.
So that's one of the other reasons why I want
to be that advocate and that resource for someone
else so they don't have to go through what I
did. and what my family went through. I understand.
And Janice, I'm so sorry you had to have the
experience in that way. And thank you for sharing
that bit of your personal story. It really does
help illustrate the importance of the services
that you provide. And I understand that as much
as you probably wish you could go back and make
some changes. Having things happen the way they
happened. really opened up the door for you to
help so many other families avoid those same
types of pitfalls and crisis moments where, you
know, something happens, unfortunately, and there's,
you know, nothing written in place or discussions
haven't been had. So, you know, I hate that that
was your experience, but because of that, you
built an entire business and company around helping
other families to avoid that same, you know,
type of situations you had to go through with
your family, so I salute you for taking that
pain and turning it into something positive to
help other families. And you mentioned one of
the documents, and I saw this on your website
too, where you have recently added advanced care
plans to your list of services, and I think a
lot of families may not even know that these
types of documents exist, let alone how valuable
they can be. Can you just share a little bit
about what an advanced care plan is and why documents
like these are such useful tools for families
and caregivers? Well, advanced care plans, there's
two different types. The directive plans are
pretty much all of your assets and your financial
stuff. And if you are online and have social
media or you do online banking, All of that information
is put into a document so that your power of
attorney for your financial and or your executor
of your estate knows where to go to find the
answers. Now, the final wishes part of that is
where do you want to die if you have that choice?
Are you terminal? Do you want medical aid and
dying if it is offered in your state. Right now
there are about 12 states that offer medical
aid and dying and only two of them do not have
residency requirements. So someone who only has
six months to live and they have the finances
to be able to do it. They can go out on their
own terms, but they wouldn't know, your family
members would not know that that was your part
of your wishes if it was not in writing. And
the other parts of final wishes, how do you want
to be remembered, your legacy? Do you want a
traditional religious funeral? Do you want a
celebration of life? Do you have something else
that you want? Some people get made into diamonds
with some of their carbon from their pre -mated
remains. Some people have it so that they have
what they call, I just saw this recently, an
Italian couple made a tree so that your ashes,
however they processed them, was the basis for
a tree and it gets planted somewhere. Uh -huh.
And so there's a number of different ways now.
It is not just cremation or burial. There are
so many other resources and so many other companies
that are coming into play that are giving people
options on how do they want to have their ashes
or have their bodies taken out. Some folks donate
them to science. But if you donate it to science,
when science wherever you've taken it to is finished
with it, the family gets what's left. And then
they have to decide if it's going to be buried
or cremated or whatever. So final wishes are
all of the other things that are not part of
the financial or the asset part of your life.
And just as important. And I'm glad that you
mentioned that as well because we often focus
so much on the financial aspect and the legal
aspect. We forget about the, hey, what do you
really want? Do you want to be cremated? Do you
want a traditional burial? There's so many, you
know, do you want a celebrational life? Do you
want a regular funeral? So many things that we
just don't take the time to ask because we don't
want to have the conversation because, oh, it's
about death and I don't want to have these morbid
conversations. I'm even guilty of it. I told
you during our one of our preliminary calls that
my mom always tried to have the conversations
about what she wanted. And, you know, we need
to talk about this now and be like, oh, mom,
I don't want to talk about that. But it's a good
thing, especially when your parent is coming
to you saying, hey, let's talk about what I want.
Let them express those things, because you never
know when you're going to come across that time
where there's a crisis, like with my mom and
the COVID. You know, and it happened so quick.
She was in the hospital and then, you know, less
than two weeks later she was gone. And so these
crises, they just, they spring up on you and
you have little or no time to react. It's so
detrimental to have a plan in place to know exactly
what you're going to do, what their final wishes
are. So anyway, I'm just so glad that you're
on today. We're going to talk about this a little
bit more. Right now we're going to take a bit
of a break. uh... but definitely one of the biggest
takeaways from the first segment that i've i've
noticed is is that planning early is just critical
and prevent a lot of this there is stress and
conflict when the difficult decisions have to
be made so anyway got when we come back we're
going to get into the financial and legal side
of care caregiving we're going to talk about
what every family should have in place before
crisis and how to plan for long -term care without
draining your savings And we're also going to
talk about where to find trusted caregiver resources
in your community and how to approach palliative
care, hospice care, and death doula services,
all that type of stuff. And don't forget, we're
going to go over some of your questions that
you sent in, and we'll have Janice answer some
of those. So you definitely don't want to miss
what's coming up. First, let's hear from tonight's
sponsor. We'll be right back. Looking for your
next car? Amazon Autos has you covered. With
just a few clicks, you can shop a wide selection
of new vehicles, compare prices, read reviews,
and even arrange pickup or delivery, just like
ordering anything else on Amazon. It's the future
of car buying, simple, transparent, and all online.
Backed by Amazon's trusted network and partnering
with local dealerships, Amazon Autos is redefining
how we shop for cars. Visit amazon .com forward
slash autos and drive into the future today.
Hi, I'm James Baller of Artists First Radio,
and I would like to tell you about a fascinating
new book from Crime Beach's Ron Cepsik and co
-author Mike Rowe. It's titled Robin Hood of
the Hood, The Life and Times of Teddy Rowe, Policy
Kingpin, and it's published by Strategic Media
Books. The book is a historical account of Theodore
Teddy Rowe, who courageously fought the Chicago
Mafia, more commonly known as the Outfit, for
control of the lucrative policy racket in the
Windy City. Policy, often called the numbers
as a form of illegal gambling or illegal lottery,
played mostly in poor and working -class neighborhoods
in the United States. In policy, a better attempts
to pick three digits to match those that will
be randomly drawn the following day. For decades,
policy had been a staple in the black community,
but when the white mob flexed its power in the
late 1940s, many policy kings knuckled under
the pressure. Not Teddy Roe. Rowe famously told
mob bosses that he'd rather die than give up
control of his operation. Robin Hood of the Hood
chronicles an exciting chapter of Chicago history.
Go to the Kindle store at Amazon and buy it for
just $2 .99. For information about this book
and other titles, please go to strategicmediabooks
.com. That's strategicmediabooks .com. Welcome
to another broadcast of Spiritual Concerns, the
Deborah Ruffini Show on Artists First Radio Network.
We're live from England on Saturdays and Sundays,
3pm New York, 8pm London. All past shows are
podcasts, find them at artistsfirst .com. I'll
be your host where issues relating to the spiritual
matters of concern will be largely examined and
discussed. Enjoy the show. Hello everybody and
welcome back to live with Dr. Andre Jerry. Hey,
if you're just joining us we're having an insightful
conversation about caregiving family dynamics
and preparing for the future with certified end
-of -life doula Janice Lombardo. Now in the first
part of the show we talked about Janice's role
as an end -of -life doula and the importance
of cultural competency and when to start planning
for care and how advanced care plans can bring
clarity in tough situations. In this next segment,
we're going to dive into a little bit of the
financial and legal side of caregiving and talk
about what every family should have in place
before a crisis. And we're going to talk about
where to find some trustworthy resources to help
lighten the load for caregivers. All right, so
let's jump right back in. It's one of the things
that I think doesn't get talked about enough
is the emotional toll that caregiving takes.
on the caregiver themselves and also on their
families. I remember growing up my mother was
the primary caregiver for my grandmother and
she suffered from schizophrenia and Alzheimer's
and she was also legally blind due to cataracts
in both of her eyes. But my grandmother lived
with us for many years and so I saw and was able
to experience firsthand the impact and toll it
took on not just my mom, but on our entire household.
My grandmother was not easy, you know? I never
really remember my mom complaining, but I could
just imagine the toll it took on her. And you
know, for many, it starts slowly with, you know,
the doctor's appointments here, our appointment
there, but before you know it, it just consumes
more and more of your time and your energy and
your whole identity gets sucked into this. So
from your experience, what are the... first signs
a caregiver might be approaching burnout. And
what can they do to protect their own mental
health while they're still trying to just show
up for their loved one? You know, that is the
million dollar question. You know, I live this
right now myself and going through what my mom's
eight year cancer journey and being the sandwich
generation parent, it's amazing how many things
you can do with limited amount of time. It's
like you go on autopilot and I've watched some
families who have siblings who all get along
and they create their uh... charts and crafts
and you'll take this appointment and you'll take
this and bring this meal and you'll do this back
time and they just you know harmonize and make
it all work from what i have seen an experience
that is the exception to the role right i don't
know if that's really the case but that's what
i have seen you know not what i have experienced
within my own family uh... You get to a point
mentally, emotionally, and physically where you
can become depressed, disengaged, you can become
physically ill yourself. I have seen caregivers
die before the person that they are caring for.
Yes. That is beyond a wake -up call. There are,
if you're dealing with a loved one who is over
the age of 60 or 65, you have local councils
on aging that you can contact to get services
from or find places, a local church. When I was
caring for my mom, I contacted their church and
they brought meals once a week and they would
last a couple of days. That was like the last
three months that she was with us and it was
so helpful for me Because not that my father
couldn't cook but he was still working at the
time and so I needed to make sure that she was
eating healthy food and I was also Providing
some meals that I would make extra because I
was cooking for my own family trying to find
other resources. There are nursing students who
can sometimes pitch in and help. You can pay
them. There are different organizations within
different cities and you would just have to kind
of do a Google search or like I said, contact
your local council on aging. There are some high
school students who are doing double duty, so
they're going to college to become nurses or
another healthcare individual. They can also
sometimes help you with either respite care or
something along those lines. And because most
high school students, this is in our area, I
think it's everywhere, You have to volunteer
a minimum of 40 hours in a year so that you can
graduate from high school. This is one of the
things that many high schools do. And so if you
can find individuals who are already going for
nursing, they can be a wonderful resource to
be able to help you. Talking to your friends
sometimes. Not complaining, but just having a
cup of tea over the phone. Just so that you know
that you are being validated and supported even
if somebody else can't physically be with you.
There were times where I would talk to my friends
at night after my kids were in bed and I just
needed an hour. That's all I needed is somebody
to just listen. and to tell me that I was doing
OK. And if they were able to do anything else,
like either play dates for the kids or other
things that I might have needed help with, they
were there to be able to support me in that way.
It just depends on where you're at. There's also
some caregiver support groups that are online.
The Alzheimer's Association, if you have a loved
one who has either dementia or Alzheimer's, they
are not the same thing. They actually can provide
you eight hours of respite care for free depending
on where you're at. There are some assisted living
and nursing home facilities that offer respite
care programs. So if you wanted to drop your
loved one off, I think they might have a minimum
of four days and maybe three or four nights.
But if you need to have a break, that is also
an option. So there are more things coming to
light because the need is being finally recognized.
And I am guilty myself because I am doing this
and I have been so used to being mostly the only
one making the decisions and doing the work.
And so a dear friend of mine said the other week,
you need to find an online support group because
you need it. So I am guilty of falling back into
those habits of doing it all. And it's not healthy.
It's just not healthy. So the other thing that
you can do is get out into nature. If you can
find five minutes to stand in the grass or whatever
barefoot, you can have a nice cup of coffee.
listen to music, write in a journal or a diary,
just whatever it is that you can do to promote
your own self -care. I know it's one more thing
on your plate, but it is critical that you take
care of you. You are beyond important and it
is imperative for you to be able to help anybody
else to put your own oxygen mask on first. I'm
so glad you mentioned that. And it's good to
know that there are, it's just good to hear that
there's support out there for caregivers who
often feel alone in this process. So, you know,
just to recap some of the things that you touched
on, there are various programs and different
things that you can do, nursing students in your
local area, local agencies, even high school
students that have to fulfill volunteer requirements,
friends, support groups, caregiver support groups,
Alzheimer's, dementia, respite care programs,
Google that, look into that, online support groups,
and you know, if all else fails, get out in nature,
get out your journal, start a gratitude journal,
something to reset yourself and to... kind of
center yourself and just find yourself again.
Don't get lost in just caregiving. Just get back
centered and just remember your own needs as
well and refresh your own self. That way you
can go back and continue to help other people
as you seek to do. So very important reminders
there. I want to talk about something I know
is going to hit home for a lot of our listeners.
And I know I've received already a number of
questions surrounding this particular topic.
But it's about sibling dynamics. I know in so
many families, the responsibility for caring
for a parent or a loved one that's aging, it
often, I don't know why, it always seems to follow
one sibling. You know, while everyone loves mom
and dad and grandpa and grandpa, not everyone
shows up in the same way. You know, I mentioned
my mother earlier, she had seven other siblings,
and I don't remember any of them offering to
take their mom for the weekend, you know, to
give us a break or, hey, I'll take, you know,
Kim, we call her Kim, to any of her doctor's
appointments or bring meals over or anything.
They just sort of all... just let that responsibility
fall on my mom. And I'll be honest with you,
seeing that growing up, seeing that, knowing
that we had a family that could have done more,
but just chose not to, it really affected me
and it caused me to have a lot of resentment
towards my aunts. So how do you recommend the
primary caregiver address that sort of imbalance?
Oh, that is a wonderful question. So when I was
going through the process, because I'm the oldest
and I'm a woman, and I'm sure that many of your
listeners out there have heard about the oldest
daughter syndrome, well, I actually called a
siblings meeting. And when one of my mom's friends
heard about that, she was like, what is she in
the mafia? Oh my gosh. The reason that I had
called the meeting was because I knew what was
coming. I didn't know exactly, but I knew it
wasn't going to be good. And I knew that I couldn't
handle it all by myself. And I also knew that
I shouldn't have to handle it all by myself.
So I scheduled a family meeting. We did it in
person because we were all still local at that
point. I was talking about the caregiving responsibilities.
I tried to set some ground rules and be respectful.
And I got FaceTime of, oh, yes, we'll do this.
Mm -hmm. Yeah. OK. I wanted to bring out some
of the things that needed to be done, like doctor's
appointments. Because I am a medical advocate,
because of everything that I have gone through
and I knew when I wasn't advocating myself the
horrible negative experiences that I had, I was
not going to let my mom go through that. So when
I had a better handle on when she had to go to
an oncology appointment, or when she had to have
a chemo appointment, or when she didn't just
have cancer. She had several other conditions
that were also, I'll say, fighting for attention
at that point in time. And so my siblings had
not been part of her care plan or her team, and
I was trying to enlighten them with what was
necessary. And I don't know if some of what I
said was overwhelming for them, but I tried to
just make it matter of fact and not put emotion
into it. That's another thing that I've learned
is that when you are overly emotional, all it
does is make things spiral. You got to stick
to the fact. And that's one of the things that
I tried really hard to do. My folks had money,
so there was no real need to be concerned about
financial issues at that point in time. Tried
to keep the lines of communication open. Tried
really hard to recognize and appreciate the differences
in my siblings, what their strengths were, what
their... challenges would be in certain situations
so that maybe they weren't going to be signed
up to do that part of the caring. Like I said,
I sought outside help for meals from my parents'
church, but I did not seek outside help for the
caregiving part of it. I was hoping to get them
to understand and focus on this being a shared
goal to help our parents and to make sure that
our mom was taken care of. And the first year
of her cancer journey, my two middle siblings
decided that they could not participate and be
part of her care plan. So they... decided that
they weren't going to show up. They kept the
grandchildren away, which killed my mother. Um,
and it's not like my siblings were that far away.
My sister was five miles away and my brother
was 20 houses away. So, um, keeping things from
getting out of hand, um, I became the solo caregiver
because my third brother or my second brother
who is the baby of the family lived out of state
and he's still out of state. So he would talk
to me and that would be a little bit of a support
for me that way but the actual physical supporting
didn't happen. So some of the things that I've
learned as a solo caregiver to find support when
family isn't available was to connect with some
of the local caregiver support groups, either
in person or online. Researching community resources
and services. The Council on Aging, United Way.
I guess there is a, now there is a phone dial
211 to learn about available services in your
area. Exploring. with other relationships, building
relationships with the healthcare provider. I
took copious notes. I'm one of those people that
if we have a conversation after we've talked
and you say something and I pull out my notes,
you can't really tell me that that's not what
happened. So it helps to keep me on track. It
would help to keep the caregiver on track, especially
because when you are doing everything, you cannot
remember everything. That's one of the reasons
that I would take notes. Some of the other things
that we would do during my mom's appointments
is we would bring a little tape recorder and
we would record the appointments to listen to
later and I would transcribe them if I needed
to because it was just another way to make sure
that I didn't miss anything. That something didn't
fall through the cracks. One of the other things
that I do, and I still do this, is I always ask,
okay, you've given us this information, you've
given us these things that we need to do, what
else do we need to know? I cannot tell you how
many times that simple question actually led
to another solution for something or another
resource for something. Because if you don't
ask, They're not going to volunteer it, especially
when you're sitting in a doctor's office and
they have 15 minutes with you. And if you don't
get their attention and you don't make sure they
understand, you're not going anywhere until you
get answers. Then things fall through the cracks.
And for me, that's not acceptable. And I don't
do that. So I really feel that it's important
for folks to know, to always ask, what else do
I need to know? Very good. And I want to make
sure that we leave sometime on the clock for
at least a few of the questions that some of
the listeners sent in. But for the families who
are listening who are maybe at the beginning
of this process, consider they don't have any
legal paperwork, anything in place. What is the
first thing they need to get done in terms of
legal paperwork? I would highly recommend creating
a will. Now if you go online, you can find all
kinds of templates, legal, zoom, some of these
other websites. You can create your will for
free. They will sign you up for like a seven
day trial. And then you just make sure you cancel
it before the seven days is up. Well, you know,
you gotta have, you gotta have someplace to start.
And so this way, if it is a more simple will,
if you don't have a ton of assets or you don't
have all kinds of, you don't have a business
or you don't have something else, you can do
it that way. If it's going to be much more involved,
I would really recommend going to see an attorney.
Now, when you see an attorney, there's going
to be a flat fee and they are going to be able
to customize it to your needs and whatever it
is that you have going on in your life. Now there's
one thing I want to say about this. My aunt had
her will done back in 2012 and she also had power
of attorney paperwork done and made it part of
her will. Now the thing is that I didn't find
out until this year that the durable power of
attorney paperwork that was in her will was 25
pages long. It doesn't need to be 25 pages long.
I'm just letting you know because when you're
dealing with insurance companies or you're dealing
with long -term care insurance and they want
to make sure that you are legally her power or
his power of attorney and you send them these
massive documents, And then they turn around
and say, well, according to what it says in here,
you have to now provide a letter from the doctor
stating that this individual that you are power
of attorney for has some kind of incapacitation.
So either mental, physical, emotional, they can't
make decisions for themselves. I found this out
the hard way because I didn't know. So I'm just
letting everyone know, start out with a will.
Then make sure that you go and you do a living
will. Hospitals used to provide those. I don't
know if they still do, but you can find a template
online. The next things that you would need to
be was power of attorney for your health as well
as for your financial, they call it a durable.
My suggestion is that you have a primary power
of attorney. and an alternate or a secondary
one, unless of course you're from one of those
lovely families where everybody gets along and
everybody will agree and nobody at the last minute
will turn around and say, no, I'm not going to
do that. Make sure that you know who you are
choosing for that important role. And the last
thing that you would need is to choose the executor
or executrix of your stage, making sure that
you either have legal backup like an attorney
or a financial planner or if you're already over
60, work with an elder attorney because there
are other things that have to do with Medicaid
and Medicare and other processes like that that
they will be able to navigate for you because
that's what they do. They specialize in that.
So that would be my recommendation and like I
said at the beginning If you have an adult child
who's over 18, they should also have a will,
a living will, powers of attorney and an executor
or an executor of an estate. They don't really
have anything, but it should at least be in writing
so that it covers everyone because you do not
want to be in a situation where your child is
in a hospital fighting for their life and you
can't help. That would just be devastating so
I just want to make sure yeah, I just want to
make sure everybody understands Understood and
so for it for the families out there listening
who don't have any paperwork currently get a
wheel Get a living wheel Get a power of attorney
a primary and an alternate and name an executor
or executor executress I hope that I said it
right for yourself your child if they're 18 and
up so that you can be in a position to Make sure
that they receive the care that they need or
want to receive so oh So we're not going to be
able to get to The rest of these questions. We're
trying to squeeze in one more just very quickly
There's one from Evelyn that I thought was really
good, and we didn't cover this she says how do
you navigate situations? Where the person you're
caring for? refuses help or denies they need
help even when it's clear they do. I would recommend
finding a social worker because that way they
can do a home visit. They can do an assessment.
I would also contact the primary caregiver of
that individual if they have one. If they don't,
that makes it a lot more difficult. But I would
also contact the Council on Aging in your area
because they will have resources that you might
be able to utilize so that you can get the help
for your loved one. And believe me, I get it.
That's all I'm going to say on that. I get it.
But those would be my suggestions. Well, Janice,
I want to thank you again so much for your time
tonight and for sharing all of this valuable
insight that you've gained over the years through
your experience and personal experiences. We
really appreciate your time here tonight. Well,
thank you so much. I'm so happy that you are
willing to talk about this because we need to.
We need to talk about it a lot, make it weird,
but talk about it because it is going to happen.
Life is finite. We do not have a choice. So if
you plan for it, it'll be much easier on yourself
and on your loved ones. Well said. Well listen
everyone, I hope you enjoyed this show tonight
and I hope you learned something new. Be sure
to tune in for the next live episode of Live
with Dr. Andre Jarrett. It's gonna air on Tuesday,
not Tuesday, I'm sorry, Wednesday, September
10th. I hope that's the right date. At 6 p .m.
Eastern, second Wednesday of September. going
to be right here during the peak of hurricane
season in Puerto Rico. So I don't know how things
are going, but we'll see then. But until then,
everybody take care. Have a great evening. I'll
see you next time. Take care.