WEBVTT 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:03.419 Dr. Jerry, you got the whole world waiting. Been 00:00:03.419 --> 00:00:07.240 ready for you to start the conversation. Your 00:00:07.240 --> 00:00:10.599 point of view, it got the haters confused. Leave 00:00:10.599 --> 00:00:14.580 it up to you to bring us all the good news. Positive 00:00:14.580 --> 00:00:18.600 vibes and a sex appeal too. Dr. Andre Jerry, 00:00:18.960 --> 00:00:22.859 can I get a interview? You, you, you, you, you, 00:00:23.059 --> 00:00:25.280 you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, 00:00:25.320 --> 00:00:25.559 you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, 00:00:25.559 --> 00:00:25.579 you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, 00:00:25.579 --> 00:00:25.879 you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, 00:00:25.879 --> 00:00:25.879 you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, 00:00:25.879 --> 00:00:25.879 you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, 00:00:25.879 --> 00:00:26.960 you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, 00:00:27.399 --> 00:00:27.399 you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, 00:00:27.399 --> 00:00:30.179 you, you, you, you destination for bold conversations, 00:00:30.620 --> 00:00:33.340 unfiltered truth, and real -life inspiration. 00:00:33.759 --> 00:00:35.920 I'm your host, Dr. Andre Jerry, broadcasting 00:00:35.920 --> 00:00:39.520 live from San Juan, Puerto Rico. Tonight's episode 00:00:39.520 --> 00:00:42.979 is sponsored by Talkspace, the leading online 00:00:42.979 --> 00:00:46.060 therapy platform connecting you with licensed 00:00:46.060 --> 00:00:48.960 therapists anytime, anywhere. Whether you're 00:00:48.960 --> 00:00:52.560 navigating grief, trauma, anxiety, or just need 00:00:52.560 --> 00:00:55.420 someone to talk to, Talkspace makes it easier 00:00:55.420 --> 00:00:59.109 to put your mental health first. visit TalkSpace 00:00:59.109 --> 00:01:02.130 .com to learn more. And I'll show more details 00:01:02.130 --> 00:01:05.090 about our sponsor later in the show. So as we 00:01:05.090 --> 00:01:08.829 approach the end of May, which is Mental Health 00:01:08.829 --> 00:01:11.370 Awareness Month, and because this is the last 00:01:11.370 --> 00:01:14.510 episode of May, I didn't want to miss this opportunity 00:01:14.510 --> 00:01:18.269 to discuss mental health. And not just from a 00:01:18.269 --> 00:01:21.230 cursory, shallow viewpoint. I really like for 00:01:21.230 --> 00:01:24.409 us to have the uncomfortable conversation that 00:01:24.409 --> 00:01:28.209 many of us try to avoid. So if you feel like 00:01:28.209 --> 00:01:30.329 you're not in the right head space right now 00:01:30.329 --> 00:01:34.170 for a possibly uncomfortable discussion about 00:01:34.170 --> 00:01:36.609 mental health or, you know, there are parts of 00:01:36.609 --> 00:01:38.569 your life that you're not quite ready to face, 00:01:39.109 --> 00:01:41.549 then this may be your cue to hit pause and maybe 00:01:41.549 --> 00:01:43.450 come back for the replay when you feel ready 00:01:43.450 --> 00:01:46.769 to listen. I have a disclaimer for this show 00:01:46.769 --> 00:01:49.950 that I want to read. The views and opinions expressed 00:01:49.950 --> 00:01:52.530 on live with Dr. Andre Jerry are solely those 00:01:52.530 --> 00:01:55.519 of the host. and do not necessarily reflect the 00:01:55.519 --> 00:01:58.260 views of the Artist First Radio Network, its 00:01:58.260 --> 00:02:02.219 affiliates, or sponsors. I am not a licensed 00:02:02.219 --> 00:02:05.819 therapist, counselor, or mental health practitioner. 00:02:06.599 --> 00:02:09.139 The content shared on this program is for informational 00:02:09.139 --> 00:02:12.379 and conversational purposes only and should not 00:02:12.379 --> 00:02:16.360 be construed as medical advice, diagnosis, or 00:02:16.360 --> 00:02:19.379 treatment. Always seek the guidance from a qualified 00:02:19.379 --> 00:02:22.789 healthcare professional. And any questions you 00:02:22.789 --> 00:02:24.590 may have regarding your mental health or medical 00:02:24.590 --> 00:02:27.310 condition, run that through your doctor. And 00:02:27.310 --> 00:02:31.629 listener discretion is advised. OK? So listen, 00:02:31.650 --> 00:02:33.650 before we dive into this episode, I want to make 00:02:33.650 --> 00:02:38.150 something very, very clear. Mental illness is 00:02:38.150 --> 00:02:42.849 not a character flaw. It's not a weakness. It's 00:02:42.849 --> 00:02:46.689 not a punch line. This is something that's real, 00:02:46.710 --> 00:02:49.669 and it affects people's lives substantially. 00:02:50.000 --> 00:02:52.860 and it's time that we stop hiding behind silence 00:02:52.860 --> 00:02:57.259 and sarcasm and shame. Tonight I may inject some 00:02:57.259 --> 00:02:59.860 humor here and there just to sort of lighten 00:02:59.860 --> 00:03:02.300 the mood and make the content a little bit more 00:03:02.300 --> 00:03:05.060 digestible to the extent that I can, but I do 00:03:05.060 --> 00:03:07.900 understand the seriousness of this subject matter. 00:03:08.879 --> 00:03:11.159 Tonight's show is going to be about healing and 00:03:11.159 --> 00:03:13.580 it's my hope that this conversation that we're 00:03:13.580 --> 00:03:16.439 going to have that we all give ourselves and 00:03:16.439 --> 00:03:20.110 each other permission to be human. and to feel 00:03:20.110 --> 00:03:24.289 and to heal. Okay, so let's get started. So the 00:03:24.289 --> 00:03:26.789 thing for tonight's show is simple, but it's 00:03:26.789 --> 00:03:29.689 kind of heavy. We need to talk. No one likes 00:03:29.689 --> 00:03:31.490 to hear that phrase, right? We need to talk, 00:03:31.710 --> 00:03:34.610 but we really do. And not just about mental health, 00:03:34.750 --> 00:03:39.110 but about family, generational cycles, and all 00:03:39.110 --> 00:03:41.949 the stuff that we've been taught to keep quiet. 00:03:43.169 --> 00:03:45.909 You see, mental illness is not always what we 00:03:45.909 --> 00:03:49.759 think it is. It's not those dramatic breakdown 00:03:49.759 --> 00:03:52.479 that we see in the movies or on reality TV. It's 00:03:52.479 --> 00:03:57.060 not that Sometimes it's more subtle. It's the 00:03:57.060 --> 00:04:00.139 friend who ghosted you or Maybe it's your cousin 00:04:00.139 --> 00:04:03.039 who hoards or the neighbor that never leaves 00:04:03.039 --> 00:04:06.120 their house Or it could be your boss whose ego 00:04:06.120 --> 00:04:09.659 is so fragile that it holds your whole department 00:04:09.659 --> 00:04:13.039 back You see we're surrounded by it and sometimes 00:04:13.039 --> 00:04:17.910 it's in us But we don't call Things what it is 00:04:17.910 --> 00:04:21.310 because a lot of times we normalize Dysfunction 00:04:21.310 --> 00:04:24.449 we say oh, that's just how she is or you know, 00:04:24.490 --> 00:04:26.889 he's always been a little off or a little strange 00:04:26.889 --> 00:04:29.810 We just kind of brush it aside But tonight we're 00:04:29.810 --> 00:04:32.069 gonna take a pause from that. We're gonna talk 00:04:32.069 --> 00:04:36.910 because the mental illness is not It's not just 00:04:36.910 --> 00:04:39.269 something that shows up in the psychiatric hospitals 00:04:39.269 --> 00:04:42.490 It's in our group chats. It's in the church. 00:04:42.550 --> 00:04:45.389 It's in our bedrooms. It may be even right in 00:04:45.389 --> 00:04:49.110 front of the mirror Mental health isn't just 00:04:49.110 --> 00:04:52.509 about diagnosis. It's all those conversations 00:04:52.509 --> 00:04:55.170 we avoid that we know we need to have. It's the 00:04:55.170 --> 00:04:58.889 healing that we postpone and the shame that we 00:04:58.889 --> 00:05:02.910 carry until it eats us alive. It's the unspoken 00:05:02.910 --> 00:05:06.930 grief, the quiet breakdowns, and the way we stop 00:05:06.930 --> 00:05:09.269 showing up for ourselves because we're too busy 00:05:09.269 --> 00:05:11.689 or we're pretending like everything is fine. 00:05:13.110 --> 00:05:16.170 So this episode... Just isn't important because 00:05:16.170 --> 00:05:18.449 it's the last week of mental health awareness 00:05:18.449 --> 00:05:21.189 month and all of that This is a necessary episode 00:05:21.189 --> 00:05:24.610 because mental health affects all of us Whether 00:05:24.610 --> 00:05:27.149 you're living with a mental condition yourself 00:05:27.149 --> 00:05:29.870 or you're loving someone who may have a mental 00:05:29.870 --> 00:05:32.850 condition Or maybe working next to someone who's 00:05:32.850 --> 00:05:36.449 struggling silently is everywhere You know, even 00:05:36.449 --> 00:05:39.149 if you think mental illness doesn't run in your 00:05:39.149 --> 00:05:42.410 family or so you think Chances are you've been 00:05:42.410 --> 00:05:44.560 counted it without even realizing it it might 00:05:44.560 --> 00:05:46.800 be happening right under your nose in a relationship 00:05:46.800 --> 00:05:50.240 with a friend or family member and you know you've 00:05:50.240 --> 00:05:51.860 just been maybe you've been feeling a little 00:05:51.860 --> 00:05:55.319 off for a while and you don't really know what 00:05:55.319 --> 00:05:59.699 name to put to it but something's there if you 00:05:59.699 --> 00:06:03.079 need a visual for what mental illness is just 00:06:03.079 --> 00:06:04.800 scroll through tiktok i don't know what it is 00:06:04.800 --> 00:06:07.939 about tiktok in particular but seriously scroll 00:06:07.939 --> 00:06:10.500 through tiktok you'll see mental illness almost 00:06:10.500 --> 00:06:15.180 in every swipe It'll be disguised as jokes and 00:06:15.180 --> 00:06:17.699 different dances or whatever, trauma bonding, 00:06:17.939 --> 00:06:20.680 all sorts of stuff. But it's apparent that people 00:06:20.680 --> 00:06:23.879 are struggling. And just because it's visible 00:06:23.879 --> 00:06:27.300 doesn't mean that it's understood or it's diagnosed. 00:06:28.759 --> 00:06:31.920 And contrary to popular belief, mental illness 00:06:31.920 --> 00:06:35.300 doesn't always look like how we picture it in 00:06:35.300 --> 00:06:37.879 TV, like someone rocking in a corner or mumbling 00:06:37.879 --> 00:06:40.720 to themselves or, you know, a drunk homeless 00:06:40.720 --> 00:06:44.069 person yelling at traffic. or a woman who's clutching 00:06:44.069 --> 00:06:46.569 a wine bottle and she's spiraling, you know, 00:06:46.769 --> 00:06:49.589 it doesn't always look good. Sometimes mental 00:06:49.589 --> 00:06:52.509 illness can look like not willing to get out 00:06:52.509 --> 00:06:57.769 of the bed or persistent poor hygiene and lack 00:06:57.769 --> 00:07:01.149 of grooming, not being able to sleep, sleeping 00:07:01.149 --> 00:07:04.930 way too much, chronic fatigue with no type of 00:07:04.930 --> 00:07:08.250 medical explanation behind it, unexplainable 00:07:08.250 --> 00:07:12.470 body aches and pains. social withdrawal, avoiding 00:07:12.470 --> 00:07:16.709 phone calls, irritability over very small things, 00:07:18.430 --> 00:07:21.389 making plans and then canceling those plans for 00:07:21.389 --> 00:07:25.089 no reason, being overwhelmed by simple mundane 00:07:25.089 --> 00:07:29.810 everyday tasks. It can look like overeating or 00:07:29.810 --> 00:07:32.889 some type of extreme weight loss or appetite 00:07:32.889 --> 00:07:36.009 loss. It could be a hard time focusing or staying 00:07:36.009 --> 00:07:40.009 organized or just being emotionally numb. You 00:07:40.009 --> 00:07:43.110 know what I mean? And zoned out. These aren't 00:07:43.110 --> 00:07:46.550 quirks or bad habits. These are symptoms. These 00:07:46.550 --> 00:07:49.670 are signs and these are cries for help. Just 00:07:49.670 --> 00:07:51.589 like some of these more recognizable conditions 00:07:51.589 --> 00:07:55.250 like postpartum. A lot of women go through that 00:07:55.250 --> 00:08:00.509 PTSD, obsessive compulsive disorders, compulsive 00:08:00.509 --> 00:08:04.050 gambling, compulsive shopping, binge eating or 00:08:04.050 --> 00:08:08.410 any type of disorder eating pattern, hypochondria. 00:08:08.879 --> 00:08:12.339 You know, these are real diagnosable things, 00:08:12.360 --> 00:08:16.139 and they're not character flaws. So tonight we're 00:08:16.139 --> 00:08:18.240 going to call out all the things that are usually 00:08:18.240 --> 00:08:21.360 left unsaid. We're going to unbox what's been 00:08:21.360 --> 00:08:25.620 buried. And we're going to give ourselves permission 00:08:25.620 --> 00:08:28.600 to voice a lot of the hurts that we have felt. 00:08:29.660 --> 00:08:31.699 So we can finally start to heal, because you 00:08:31.699 --> 00:08:37.669 can't heal what you're going to confront. Let's 00:08:37.669 --> 00:08:41.049 talk about a few statistics that are worth mentioning, 00:08:41.090 --> 00:08:43.169 because these are important. According to the 00:08:43.169 --> 00:08:47.090 National Alliance on Mental Illness, one in five 00:08:47.090 --> 00:08:50.590 adults in the U .S. experience mental illness 00:08:50.590 --> 00:08:56.269 each year. So that equates to about 57 million 00:08:56.269 --> 00:08:59.950 people, okay? And listen to this one. More than 00:08:59.950 --> 00:09:02.870 50 % of Americans will be diagnosed with a mental 00:09:02.870 --> 00:09:05.690 illness or a mental disorder at some point in 00:09:05.690 --> 00:09:10.110 their lifetime. You see? So those are important 00:09:10.110 --> 00:09:13.409 statistics because it reinforces that mental 00:09:13.409 --> 00:09:17.549 health is not just a trending topic. It's a mirror. 00:09:18.669 --> 00:09:21.389 So this is nothing to be ashamed about. This 00:09:21.389 --> 00:09:23.870 impacts a lot of people and a lot of things. 00:09:24.370 --> 00:09:26.350 And whether you're looking at yourself or someone 00:09:26.350 --> 00:09:29.990 you love, you owe it to yourself to care enough 00:09:29.990 --> 00:09:34.269 about mental health awareness. And you need to... 00:09:34.509 --> 00:09:37.269 more to the people in your life to at least listen 00:09:37.269 --> 00:09:40.149 and learn as much as you can about mental health 00:09:40.149 --> 00:09:43.730 awareness so you can act and take action for 00:09:43.730 --> 00:09:47.529 the people that you may want to help or for yourself. 00:09:48.110 --> 00:09:51.610 And even if not personally affected by mental 00:09:51.610 --> 00:09:53.629 illness, I want you to stay tuned anyway because 00:09:53.629 --> 00:09:57.029 chances are something you may hear tonight might 00:09:57.029 --> 00:10:02.309 help you help somebody else tomorrow. Okay, so. 00:10:02.330 --> 00:10:07.629 On this show, I always try to, as much as I can, 00:10:08.370 --> 00:10:11.149 share my life experience with you all. And not 00:10:11.149 --> 00:10:13.009 just the good stuff and the glamorous stuff. 00:10:13.029 --> 00:10:16.570 I'm talking about the not so good, the sometimes 00:10:16.570 --> 00:10:20.090 embarrassing stuff. I don't do that for sympathy, 00:10:20.149 --> 00:10:22.850 but I do it so that you can kind of see yourself 00:10:22.850 --> 00:10:26.549 in my story and maybe avoid a few of the mistakes 00:10:26.549 --> 00:10:29.639 I've made in my life. or at least be encouraged 00:10:29.639 --> 00:10:31.720 by the fact that, yeah, I went through some stuff, 00:10:31.820 --> 00:10:37.639 but I made it out. And I'm getting some feedback 00:10:37.639 --> 00:10:39.419 that we're having some audio issues. So let's 00:10:39.419 --> 00:10:42.879 take a quick minute break or so. We'll pick up 00:10:42.879 --> 00:10:57.679 on our conversation when we come back. All right 00:10:57.679 --> 00:11:00.299 guys, sorry about that. This is live radio. So 00:11:00.299 --> 00:11:02.240 sometimes audio issues happen So we're gonna 00:11:02.240 --> 00:11:05.299 try to pick up where things got kind of choppy. 00:11:05.299 --> 00:11:07.679 So bear with me Thanks for staying tuned. So 00:11:07.679 --> 00:11:10.100 like I was saying before we got interrupted on 00:11:10.100 --> 00:11:13.639 this show I always try to whenever I can Share 00:11:13.639 --> 00:11:16.320 my life experiences with you all and like I said 00:11:16.320 --> 00:11:18.340 before not just the good stuff and the glamorous 00:11:18.340 --> 00:11:20.679 stuff But some of the stuff that's embarrassing 00:11:20.679 --> 00:11:24.379 Because a lot of people may you may be able to 00:11:24.379 --> 00:11:27.100 see yourself in my story and avoid some of the 00:11:27.100 --> 00:11:29.759 mistakes that I've made in my life, you know, 00:11:29.879 --> 00:11:32.059 or be encouraged by the fact that I may have 00:11:32.059 --> 00:11:33.519 went through some things, but I made it on the 00:11:33.519 --> 00:11:35.659 other side of it. And so this episode is going 00:11:35.659 --> 00:11:39.580 to be no different. I've had my own battle with 00:11:39.580 --> 00:11:42.379 mental illness, and it's not just me. Mental 00:11:42.379 --> 00:11:46.759 illness runs in my family. And I'm not just talking 00:11:46.759 --> 00:11:49.539 about a couple of people. I mean, the majority 00:11:49.539 --> 00:11:54.000 of my family. And I trace a lot of that back 00:11:54.000 --> 00:11:57.240 to my grandmother. Unfortunately, she suffered 00:11:57.240 --> 00:12:01.700 from schizophrenia for most of her life. And, 00:12:01.860 --> 00:12:04.159 you know, I don't know for certain if mental 00:12:04.159 --> 00:12:08.019 illness predated her with someone else maybe 00:12:08.019 --> 00:12:13.659 in her line, but on my grandmother's side or 00:12:13.659 --> 00:12:15.320 my mother's side, that's as far as I've been 00:12:15.320 --> 00:12:19.519 able to track it is back to my grandmother. Now, 00:12:19.539 --> 00:12:23.240 my grandmother, she had nine daughters. So just 00:12:23.240 --> 00:12:27.720 let that sink in for a moment nine girls Who 00:12:27.720 --> 00:12:29.799 are being raised in a home where their mother 00:12:29.799 --> 00:12:33.759 had untreated schizophrenia? And if you just 00:12:33.759 --> 00:12:36.500 think about the trauma that they must have endured 00:12:36.500 --> 00:12:40.320 I'm sure it was unimaginable sometimes If you 00:12:40.320 --> 00:12:42.320 guys have ever seen the movie precious, then 00:12:42.320 --> 00:12:45.179 you'll remember the character Mary Jones who 00:12:45.179 --> 00:12:51.139 was portrayed by Monique now as intense as that 00:12:51.070 --> 00:12:54.029 character was, she actually reminded me a lot 00:12:54.029 --> 00:12:56.509 of my grandmother, and not so much in terms of 00:12:56.509 --> 00:12:59.029 the behavior. Put the behavior aside, I'm more 00:12:59.029 --> 00:13:01.830 so talking about the level of mental illness 00:13:01.830 --> 00:13:05.870 that that character had. You know, it was pretty 00:13:05.870 --> 00:13:08.710 severe. And I know that may be hard for a lot 00:13:08.710 --> 00:13:11.289 of people in my family to hear, but I say that 00:13:11.289 --> 00:13:13.409 from the unique perspective of someone who actually 00:13:13.409 --> 00:13:16.649 lived with his grandmother for nearly a decade, 00:13:17.029 --> 00:13:19.909 you know, but Don't get me wrong, she had her 00:13:19.909 --> 00:13:22.629 good days and moments where she was in good spirits 00:13:22.629 --> 00:13:26.090 just like anyone else. Her laugh was infectious. 00:13:26.649 --> 00:13:29.190 I'll always remember her laugh. But yeah, I saw 00:13:29.190 --> 00:13:31.710 a lot of things. I heard a lot of things and 00:13:31.710 --> 00:13:35.070 experienced a lot of things too. And I may not 00:13:35.070 --> 00:13:37.190 have been around back in the day when my grandmother 00:13:37.190 --> 00:13:39.690 was raising her daughters back in the 50s and 00:13:39.690 --> 00:13:42.549 60s, but I lived under the same roof with her 00:13:42.549 --> 00:13:46.950 decades later. And she was still a force. So 00:13:46.950 --> 00:13:50.289 I can only imagine how much more intense she 00:13:50.289 --> 00:13:53.409 was back when she was younger. And so that's 00:13:53.409 --> 00:13:56.129 why my heart really does go out to my mom and 00:13:56.129 --> 00:13:58.889 her sisters, because you can't live through that 00:13:58.889 --> 00:14:02.509 kind of instability and not come out with some 00:14:02.509 --> 00:14:05.330 wounds, emotional wounds, psychological wounds, 00:14:05.629 --> 00:14:08.210 spiritual wounds, you know. And I can just hear 00:14:08.210 --> 00:14:10.289 some people in my family saying, Andre, shut 00:14:10.289 --> 00:14:12.190 up, you weren't even there. How would you know? 00:14:12.629 --> 00:14:14.929 And yeah, I get all of that. But like I said, 00:14:15.009 --> 00:14:17.590 again, I lived with her. I didn't just visit 00:14:17.590 --> 00:14:21.909 my grandmother. I lived with her. And actually, 00:14:21.909 --> 00:14:23.950 I may be the only one of her grandchildren who 00:14:23.950 --> 00:14:25.809 lived with her. I don't know. I'm sure someone 00:14:25.809 --> 00:14:27.850 in my family will correct me if I'm wrong. But 00:14:27.850 --> 00:14:30.610 I know what I'm talking about. And when I say 00:14:30.610 --> 00:14:32.909 mental illness is rampant in my family, that's 00:14:32.909 --> 00:14:35.529 not an attack. It's just the truth. You know, 00:14:35.529 --> 00:14:38.929 that's my acknowledgment of the cards we were 00:14:38.929 --> 00:14:42.460 all handed. And again, it's nothing that any 00:14:42.460 --> 00:14:45.279 of us should feel ashamed about, but it's time 00:14:45.279 --> 00:14:48.600 to finally address certain things and put it 00:14:48.600 --> 00:14:51.100 out in the open and not make it this dirty little 00:14:51.100 --> 00:14:54.379 secret anymore. You know, someone's got to lead 00:14:54.379 --> 00:14:57.679 to the discussion on the topic and uncover all 00:14:57.679 --> 00:15:00.980 of the mess and remove the shame and the stigma 00:15:00.980 --> 00:15:04.519 from mental illness. And not just in my family, 00:15:04.580 --> 00:15:08.440 but in a lot of other families as well. So my 00:15:08.440 --> 00:15:12.659 family, like many... Black families have a history 00:15:12.659 --> 00:15:19.240 of keeping secrets. We bury our pain. We avoid 00:15:19.240 --> 00:15:22.399 hard conversations. We don't name the obvious. 00:15:23.340 --> 00:15:25.360 And I used to be a part of that whole cycle. 00:15:26.179 --> 00:15:29.240 But today I know a little bit better. And I know 00:15:29.240 --> 00:15:32.639 that there is no healing without being honest. 00:15:33.679 --> 00:15:36.620 We've all heard the saying that You're only as 00:15:36.620 --> 00:15:38.860 sick as your secret. Well, that's absolutely 00:15:38.860 --> 00:15:41.899 true. That's absolutely true. When you hold in 00:15:41.899 --> 00:15:46.159 pain, when you suppress trauma, it doesn't go 00:15:46.159 --> 00:15:50.980 away. It just festers. And it becomes depression 00:15:50.980 --> 00:15:55.600 or anxiety, rage, self -hate. And it can morph 00:15:55.600 --> 00:15:59.179 into physical illness, too. It can sabotage your 00:15:59.179 --> 00:16:02.039 relationships. It can rob you of your joy. So 00:16:02.039 --> 00:16:05.789 many things. So back to my grandmother, she raised 00:16:05.789 --> 00:16:09.710 kids back during a time when black folks didn't 00:16:09.710 --> 00:16:12.190 have access to therapy, especially not in rural 00:16:12.190 --> 00:16:15.149 Georgia. Back then, you were lucky to see a doctor 00:16:15.149 --> 00:16:17.450 or a nurse at all, let alone talking about a 00:16:17.450 --> 00:16:20.090 therapist. You know, mental health awareness 00:16:20.090 --> 00:16:24.950 wasn't in the vocabulary back then. People didn't 00:16:24.950 --> 00:16:28.629 talk about being raped or molested or abused 00:16:28.629 --> 00:16:30.929 at home. You just survived the best you could. 00:16:31.360 --> 00:16:33.120 shut the hell up about whatever you were going 00:16:33.120 --> 00:16:36.440 through, and you just coped. You moved on, you 00:16:36.440 --> 00:16:40.019 got married, you had kids, and whether consciously 00:16:40.019 --> 00:16:43.120 or unconsciously, you passed those behaviors 00:16:43.120 --> 00:16:46.259 down to your children. And when I say behaviors, 00:16:46.299 --> 00:16:48.159 I'm talking about the behavior that results from 00:16:48.159 --> 00:16:52.440 the trauma you endure as a child. So all that 00:16:52.440 --> 00:16:54.899 self -care, wellness, mental health awareness, 00:16:55.059 --> 00:16:56.879 all that stuff, none of that was in the lexicon 00:16:56.879 --> 00:16:59.960 back then. That was a luxury. In rural Georgia, 00:17:00.080 --> 00:17:02.860 people just Didn't have the mental health tools 00:17:02.860 --> 00:17:06.559 that we all have now All they had back then was 00:17:06.559 --> 00:17:09.619 trauma and the church and don't even get me started 00:17:09.619 --> 00:17:13.279 on the church But you know many of them ended 00:17:13.279 --> 00:17:17.019 up raising Their children through the filter 00:17:17.019 --> 00:17:19.640 of that trauma not because they were bad people 00:17:19.640 --> 00:17:22.299 or anything. It's just they were broken, too 00:17:22.299 --> 00:17:25.980 and When you're in it when it's happening, you 00:17:25.980 --> 00:17:29.220 don't really understand it as trauma when it's 00:17:29.220 --> 00:17:32.630 happening. You just sort of think This is life. 00:17:32.869 --> 00:17:36.589 I just got to deal with it. It's like my grandmother 00:17:36.589 --> 00:17:39.490 and her daughters. I won't pretend to know every 00:17:39.490 --> 00:17:42.529 single detail about, you know, what it was like 00:17:42.529 --> 00:17:45.089 for them growing up, but I do know what my mother 00:17:45.089 --> 00:17:47.089 shared with us. She didn't tell us everything, 00:17:47.529 --> 00:17:49.170 but there's some things she shared. One of those 00:17:49.170 --> 00:17:52.269 things was that her mom never told her, I love 00:17:52.269 --> 00:17:56.490 you. Imagine growing up and not hearing those 00:17:56.490 --> 00:18:00.420 words from anyone. Imagine what that does to 00:18:00.420 --> 00:18:04.660 a child's sense of worth. It has to break something 00:18:04.660 --> 00:18:09.259 deep inside you. But this is what I admired about 00:18:09.259 --> 00:18:13.160 my mom. She made a decision. She told herself 00:18:13.160 --> 00:18:16.559 that when she had kids, she was gonna break that 00:18:16.559 --> 00:18:20.500 cycle. So no matter how difficult it would be, 00:18:20.500 --> 00:18:23.259 and I'm sure it was for her at first, but she 00:18:23.259 --> 00:18:26.099 made it a point to make sure she told all of 00:18:26.099 --> 00:18:28.630 her children, I love you. And she didn't just 00:18:28.630 --> 00:18:32.269 tell us that she told us that often. And by the 00:18:32.269 --> 00:18:35.089 time I came around, she was able to say it effortlessly. 00:18:35.130 --> 00:18:38.349 She told me every day she loved me. Sometimes 00:18:38.349 --> 00:18:42.210 it felt like she said it too much. But now I 00:18:42.210 --> 00:18:44.269 give anything to hear her say it just one more 00:18:44.269 --> 00:18:49.569 time. But yeah, I remember hearing my mom say 00:18:49.569 --> 00:18:51.789 that she said it to me. She said it to her sisters. 00:18:53.390 --> 00:18:55.230 Maybe not all of them, but I definitely heard 00:18:55.230 --> 00:18:59.099 her say it to honey, to bae. Tar, she said, to 00:18:59.099 --> 00:19:02.640 Dale. Dale was her closest sister, and Dale was 00:19:02.640 --> 00:19:07.619 my favorite aunt. But yeah, even though my mom 00:19:07.619 --> 00:19:10.200 didn't verbalize it, I sort of knew what she 00:19:10.200 --> 00:19:15.079 was doing. She was trying to interrupt a pattern 00:19:15.079 --> 00:19:17.599 of behavior with her sister. She was trying to 00:19:17.599 --> 00:19:20.960 normalize showing love and showing affection 00:19:20.960 --> 00:19:24.119 and normalize hearing the words, I love you. 00:19:24.700 --> 00:19:28.140 Because when you grow up not hearing that, I 00:19:28.140 --> 00:19:30.180 can imagine when someone finally does say it 00:19:30.180 --> 00:19:33.440 to you, you can feel sort of awkward or uncomfortable 00:19:33.440 --> 00:19:37.460 or just boring. So I really think that was intentional 00:19:37.460 --> 00:19:40.960 on her part. And maybe some of that energy trickled 00:19:40.960 --> 00:19:45.799 down. Maybe that made it easier for her sisters 00:19:45.799 --> 00:19:49.279 to say it to their kids. I don't know. I don't 00:19:49.279 --> 00:19:52.380 know. There's something I always wonder about. 00:19:52.759 --> 00:19:56.150 Like, how many people grew up without hearing 00:19:56.150 --> 00:19:59.490 the words, I love you, from their parents. It 00:19:59.490 --> 00:20:02.809 was normal for me, but it may not have been normal 00:20:02.809 --> 00:20:05.690 for a lot of people. I just wonder, does that 00:20:05.690 --> 00:20:07.589 still happen with these new parents? Because 00:20:07.589 --> 00:20:11.369 to me, it just feels so outdated. Like, I would 00:20:11.369 --> 00:20:15.730 like to hope that we all evolve past that type 00:20:15.730 --> 00:20:19.390 of archaic parenting, where you're not saying 00:20:19.390 --> 00:20:20.990 I love you to your kids. I would hope that people 00:20:20.990 --> 00:20:23.730 understand how damaging that is for children 00:20:23.730 --> 00:20:27.670 not to hear that. on a regular basis. I don't 00:20:27.670 --> 00:20:29.710 know, maybe some of my cousins have dealt with 00:20:29.710 --> 00:20:32.529 that. Or, you know, maybe some parents still 00:20:32.529 --> 00:20:35.309 think saying I love you isn't necessary. Maybe 00:20:35.309 --> 00:20:38.170 they feel like it's just understood that, yeah, 00:20:38.170 --> 00:20:43.869 I love you, but children need to hear it. Those 00:20:43.869 --> 00:20:47.650 three words are foundational. When those three 00:20:47.650 --> 00:20:50.049 words are missing from a child's life, it leaves 00:20:50.049 --> 00:20:55.319 a gap that can create insecurity and All types 00:20:55.319 --> 00:20:58.539 of stuff, self -sabotage, emotional detachment. 00:20:59.180 --> 00:21:03.019 You know, that type of brokenness just doesn't 00:21:03.019 --> 00:21:05.480 fade away. It kind of follows you all through 00:21:05.480 --> 00:21:08.720 your life. And I'm sure it shows up in how you 00:21:08.720 --> 00:21:11.279 parent your own children and how you love and 00:21:11.279 --> 00:21:13.579 your relationships and just how you show up in 00:21:13.579 --> 00:21:17.000 the world. But maybe that wasn't your issue. 00:21:17.180 --> 00:21:20.779 Maybe your trauma was different. Maybe your trauma 00:21:20.779 --> 00:21:23.519 showed up in the way you were treated or spoken 00:21:23.519 --> 00:21:28.160 to. Maybe you were neglected or shamed or something. 00:21:28.599 --> 00:21:30.700 And if you're carrying that type of pain, if 00:21:30.700 --> 00:21:32.420 you're still hurting from that type of stuff, 00:21:32.759 --> 00:21:36.240 I want to tell you that it's okay. You're definitely 00:21:36.240 --> 00:21:39.359 not alone. You remember the statistics I read 00:21:39.359 --> 00:21:43.339 earlier. And you're able to heal from that stuff. 00:21:43.940 --> 00:21:47.519 But here's the thing, healing takes work. It's 00:21:47.519 --> 00:21:49.539 not easy. That's why so many people run from 00:21:49.539 --> 00:21:54.440 it. I know that At least some of my cousins have 00:21:54.440 --> 00:21:58.380 strained relationships with their mothers, their 00:21:58.380 --> 00:22:01.140 parents. And that's not throwing shade at nobody. 00:22:01.220 --> 00:22:03.559 It's just a reality. I think all of my aunts 00:22:03.559 --> 00:22:06.359 did the very best they could given the cards 00:22:06.359 --> 00:22:10.859 they were dealt. But generational pain doesn't 00:22:10.859 --> 00:22:13.940 get fixed with good intentions. It gets fixed 00:22:13.940 --> 00:22:17.519 by confronting things and doing the work. And 00:22:17.519 --> 00:22:20.460 like I said, that's the difficult part. And that's 00:22:20.460 --> 00:22:22.960 why so many people avoid it. Facing your trauma 00:22:22.960 --> 00:22:27.500 means having to confront everything that you've 00:22:27.500 --> 00:22:30.859 kept hidden away. It means reopening those old 00:22:30.859 --> 00:22:34.799 wounds and crying and breaking down and, you 00:22:34.799 --> 00:22:37.619 know, feeling those same things that you buried 00:22:37.619 --> 00:22:39.640 years and years ago, things you thought that 00:22:39.640 --> 00:22:44.119 you were over and past. And I won't lie to you, 00:22:44.119 --> 00:22:48.380 it's really hard. It hurts. It's like being re 00:22:48.380 --> 00:22:52.089 -traumatized all over again. But like I said 00:22:52.089 --> 00:22:56.970 before, you can't heal what you won't face. So 00:22:56.970 --> 00:23:00.150 it doesn't matter if you were raped, molested, 00:23:00.849 --> 00:23:04.470 bullied, rejected, abused, given up for adoption, 00:23:04.849 --> 00:23:08.490 falsely accused, abandoned, ostracized, or ridiculed 00:23:08.490 --> 00:23:11.130 for being different, whatever it is, you don't 00:23:11.130 --> 00:23:14.509 have to carry that stuff forever. If you're tired 00:23:14.509 --> 00:23:17.890 of suffering and... tired of popping pills, tired 00:23:17.890 --> 00:23:20.670 of being depressed and angry all the time, tired 00:23:20.670 --> 00:23:23.910 of pushing people away, then this is really a 00:23:23.910 --> 00:23:27.230 moment for you. Really confront that stuff. Talk 00:23:27.230 --> 00:23:30.690 to someone about it. A licensed therapist if 00:23:30.690 --> 00:23:33.450 you can, but if you can't, a pastor, it doesn't 00:23:33.450 --> 00:23:36.710 matter, a friend, a sibling, a cousin, just as 00:23:36.710 --> 00:23:39.250 long as it's someone that you trust. Someone 00:23:39.250 --> 00:23:41.970 that's gonna listen and have your back and not 00:23:41.970 --> 00:23:44.609 judge you. And someone that's gonna help you 00:23:44.609 --> 00:23:47.890 to forgive because that's the sauce right there. 00:23:48.009 --> 00:23:50.569 Forgiveness is where all the healing is going 00:23:50.569 --> 00:23:54.230 to begin. You have to forgive the people who 00:23:54.230 --> 00:23:57.069 hurt you. And you have to forgive yourself. You 00:23:57.069 --> 00:24:00.349 have to forgive yourself for carrying the burden 00:24:00.349 --> 00:24:03.490 for all those decades. You have to forgive yourself 00:24:03.490 --> 00:24:05.750 for not reacting the way you wish you would have 00:24:05.750 --> 00:24:08.410 reacted. You have to forgive yourself for staying 00:24:08.410 --> 00:24:11.509 silent and for not speaking up and speaking out 00:24:11.509 --> 00:24:13.329 about your pain. You got to forgive yourself 00:24:13.329 --> 00:24:17.569 for just surviving the best way you knew how 00:24:17.569 --> 00:24:21.630 at the time. Forgiveness is like the capstone 00:24:21.630 --> 00:24:24.470 in your healing journey. It's not something you 00:24:24.470 --> 00:24:26.349 can get right, too. You have to work your way 00:24:26.349 --> 00:24:29.450 up to that. But forgiveness is going to be what 00:24:29.450 --> 00:24:33.329 allows you to finally have closure. And remember 00:24:33.329 --> 00:24:35.970 what I said about closure? I said this in previous 00:24:35.970 --> 00:24:40.910 shows. Closure is an inside job. That's something 00:24:40.910 --> 00:24:43.640 I learned in therapy. And I used to think that 00:24:43.640 --> 00:24:45.400 closure was something that I had to rely on somebody 00:24:45.400 --> 00:24:48.579 else for, but that's not true at all. Closure 00:24:48.579 --> 00:24:51.859 is an inside job. It doesn't matter if the person 00:24:51.859 --> 00:24:54.339 is living, if they're dead, if they're speaking 00:24:54.339 --> 00:24:57.619 to you, not speaking to you. You create closure 00:24:57.619 --> 00:25:01.759 through forgiveness and reframing the way that 00:25:01.759 --> 00:25:04.220 you tell the story of what happened to you. And 00:25:04.220 --> 00:25:06.500 I'll talk more about that in the next segment. 00:25:09.630 --> 00:25:12.930 I'll say one of the most pivotal breakthroughs 00:25:12.930 --> 00:25:15.450 in my healing journey came when my therapist 00:25:15.450 --> 00:25:18.089 helped me to finally confront and heal from an 00:25:18.089 --> 00:25:21.970 incident that haunted me for decades. And this 00:25:21.970 --> 00:25:24.849 incident was tied to bullying. Now, if you follow 00:25:24.849 --> 00:25:27.490 up the show, you've probably heard me talk about 00:25:27.490 --> 00:25:31.789 how I was bullied all through school. But back 00:25:31.789 --> 00:25:34.109 then when it was happening, I never told anyone. 00:25:34.230 --> 00:25:36.690 I didn't tell my parents. I didn't tell my teachers. 00:25:37.109 --> 00:25:40.460 None of my friends who went to my other schools 00:25:40.460 --> 00:25:42.440 or whatever, none of them knew. I didn't talk 00:25:42.440 --> 00:25:45.920 to my cousins about it. I just kept that pain 00:25:45.920 --> 00:25:49.819 locked away until I was an adult. But there was 00:25:49.819 --> 00:25:53.480 one moment that left an especially deep scar 00:25:53.480 --> 00:25:56.640 on me. And I've shared this story before, but 00:25:56.640 --> 00:25:59.059 it bears repeating because somebody out there 00:25:59.059 --> 00:26:03.299 might still be carrying something similar, but... 00:26:04.690 --> 00:26:07.589 Very briefly, okay, so in seventh grade during 00:26:07.589 --> 00:26:11.609 lunch period, I was slapped in the face in front 00:26:11.609 --> 00:26:16.170 of the entire school. It was actually a dare. 00:26:17.490 --> 00:26:20.630 If you remember earlier this month in the toxic 00:26:20.630 --> 00:26:23.690 friends episode, I talked about how me and my 00:26:23.690 --> 00:26:26.069 childhood best friend John, how we came to be 00:26:26.069 --> 00:26:28.349 friends. He was actually one of the people in 00:26:28.349 --> 00:26:31.670 school who used to bully me every day. And one 00:26:31.670 --> 00:26:33.859 day I confronted him about it. you know, for 00:26:33.859 --> 00:26:36.000 always picking on me. We almost got in a fight, 00:26:36.259 --> 00:26:38.420 and somehow we became best friends after that. 00:26:39.140 --> 00:26:44.220 Well, fast forward to the lunchroom scene, which 00:26:44.220 --> 00:26:46.940 was later that same school year. It was in seventh 00:26:46.940 --> 00:26:50.740 grade. I'm sitting across from John. We're all 00:26:50.740 --> 00:26:53.940 in the lunchroom. John was always very popular, 00:26:53.960 --> 00:26:57.700 by the way. So all the cool kids sat around John. 00:26:58.259 --> 00:27:01.140 He was always popular. So, you know, I kind of 00:27:01.140 --> 00:27:03.460 went from being the nerd everybody picked on 00:27:03.460 --> 00:27:06.059 to sitting with the popular kids. So things, 00:27:06.279 --> 00:27:07.980 for me, things were starting to look a little 00:27:07.980 --> 00:27:14.279 bit better for me, or so I thought. Well, and 00:27:14.279 --> 00:27:16.059 I never shared this part of the story before, 00:27:16.099 --> 00:27:20.839 but John was actually the person who dared the 00:27:20.839 --> 00:27:23.339 other kid, whose name was Alfonso. I'll never 00:27:23.339 --> 00:27:26.200 forget his name. John is the one who dared Alfonso 00:27:26.200 --> 00:27:30.740 to slap me. Ain't that something? The person 00:27:30.740 --> 00:27:33.599 who I befriended, the person I thought was my 00:27:33.599 --> 00:27:39.400 new best friend, dared someone to slap me. So 00:27:39.400 --> 00:27:41.960 looking back, John was always like a piece of 00:27:41.960 --> 00:27:45.259 shit and a bad friend to me. He showed me who 00:27:45.259 --> 00:27:48.640 he was from day one. Why I didn't see it all 00:27:48.640 --> 00:27:51.380 these years is beyond me. But anyway, anyway, 00:27:51.440 --> 00:27:53.640 I'm getting sidetracked. So yeah, John was like, 00:27:53.900 --> 00:27:58.650 I dare you to go over there and slap Andre. He 00:27:58.650 --> 00:28:00.690 said it a different way, but I'm not gonna I'm 00:28:00.690 --> 00:28:03.390 trying not to use profanity, but he's out that 00:28:03.390 --> 00:28:07.569 you he won't hit you back Andre is all talk And 00:28:07.569 --> 00:28:09.329 I guess he was talking about when we almost fought 00:28:09.329 --> 00:28:11.809 earlier that year But even back then neither 00:28:11.809 --> 00:28:14.470 one of us threw a punch, so I don't know I don't 00:28:14.470 --> 00:28:17.049 know what was in his mind back then but the kid 00:28:17.049 --> 00:28:20.970 Alfonso he was kind of like me He wasn't one 00:28:20.970 --> 00:28:23.750 of the popular kids. He was sort of on the fringe 00:28:23.750 --> 00:28:27.069 like I was probably seeking the same acceptance 00:28:27.069 --> 00:28:30.549 that I was seeking back then. So, of course, 00:28:30.650 --> 00:28:33.150 when one of the most popular guys in school befriends 00:28:33.150 --> 00:28:35.990 you and lets you sit with his group at lunch 00:28:35.990 --> 00:28:38.430 and, you know, if he dares you to do something 00:28:38.430 --> 00:28:41.829 out of peer pressure, you're just, you know, 00:28:41.829 --> 00:28:43.769 and being that young, you're probably gonna do 00:28:43.769 --> 00:28:49.950 it. But meanwhile, me, I'm confused because my 00:28:49.950 --> 00:28:52.910 so -called best friend is betraying me in real 00:28:52.910 --> 00:28:57.019 time. And then you got Alfonso, who actually 00:28:57.019 --> 00:29:02.059 got up and was walking over to slap me. Mind 00:29:02.059 --> 00:29:04.759 you, the entire lunchroom was watching this whole 00:29:04.759 --> 00:29:08.819 thing play out. And I'm looking at Alfonso heading 00:29:08.819 --> 00:29:11.099 towards me and giving him this look like, I wish 00:29:11.099 --> 00:29:14.500 you would. I wish you would. And right when he 00:29:14.500 --> 00:29:18.019 got close to me, I stood up. It seemed like everybody 00:29:18.019 --> 00:29:21.900 was taller than me back then. But anyway, I stood 00:29:21.900 --> 00:29:28.180 up like, what? And he slapped me. And I just 00:29:28.180 --> 00:29:32.960 froze. I didn't hit him back. We didn't start 00:29:32.960 --> 00:29:37.640 fighting. Nothing. I just stood there. And the 00:29:37.640 --> 00:29:43.059 entire school erupted in laughter. I can still 00:29:43.059 --> 00:29:45.680 hear the laughter in my mind. You want to talk 00:29:45.680 --> 00:29:51.079 about embarrassing? I was mortified. And a slap 00:29:51.079 --> 00:29:53.039 didn't even hurt. It didn't hurt physically. 00:29:53.099 --> 00:29:57.539 It was just the humiliation. It was the public 00:29:57.539 --> 00:30:01.180 shaming of it. I felt like my dignity and my 00:30:01.180 --> 00:30:04.500 manhood was just snatched in front of everybody. 00:30:05.960 --> 00:30:09.559 And that moment shattered whatever little fragile 00:30:09.559 --> 00:30:12.059 self -esteem I had at the time. I remember thinking, 00:30:12.359 --> 00:30:16.079 I'm never going to live this down. It just became 00:30:16.079 --> 00:30:19.940 the... moment that defined me or so I thought. 00:30:21.000 --> 00:30:23.400 And for years, I blame myself, not the boy who 00:30:23.400 --> 00:30:27.940 hit me, not Alfonso, but I blame myself for not 00:30:27.940 --> 00:30:33.019 defending myself, not hitting him back. And all 00:30:33.019 --> 00:30:37.920 that guilt, it just metastasized into shame and 00:30:37.920 --> 00:30:40.539 eventually rage. And it just colored everything 00:30:40.539 --> 00:30:43.460 in my life. It colored how I approach my friendships, 00:30:43.460 --> 00:30:46.759 how I interacted with my family, my romantic. 00:30:46.920 --> 00:30:49.779 relationships later in life, it really hardened 00:30:49.779 --> 00:30:54.559 me. And it made me really defensive and argumentative 00:30:54.559 --> 00:30:58.660 and angry. I was always ready to go off about 00:30:58.660 --> 00:31:01.440 something, not because I wanted to, but just 00:31:01.440 --> 00:31:05.319 because I just swore that no one would ever humiliate 00:31:05.319 --> 00:31:10.799 me like that ever again. So, yeah, that really 00:31:10.799 --> 00:31:15.289 did a number on me psychologically. Actually, 00:31:15.529 --> 00:31:19.170 that slap wasn't the only trauma I had suffered. 00:31:20.509 --> 00:31:25.650 Around that same time, I was experiencing another 00:31:25.650 --> 00:31:28.390 trauma that was like 10 times worse than this 00:31:28.390 --> 00:31:31.230 bullying stuff. I was catching hell from all 00:31:31.230 --> 00:31:33.130 sides at age 13. I don't know what it was about 00:31:33.130 --> 00:31:38.329 age 13, but that was just the age from hell for 00:31:38.329 --> 00:31:41.859 me. It's like my whole world. feel a part of 00:31:41.859 --> 00:31:44.099 age 13. That's why I always chuckle when people 00:31:44.099 --> 00:31:46.619 call me like the golden child, the golden boy, 00:31:46.960 --> 00:31:49.579 and think I've had this easy breezy life or whatever. 00:31:49.880 --> 00:31:52.960 People don't have a clue of the things I've had 00:31:52.960 --> 00:31:55.460 to live through. And the ones that think they 00:31:55.460 --> 00:31:57.160 know a little bit, they don't even know the half 00:31:57.160 --> 00:31:59.660 of it. One day I'm finally going to sit down 00:31:59.660 --> 00:32:02.119 and write a book about my life. I have the time 00:32:02.119 --> 00:32:04.339 now. So I'm going to finally sit down and do 00:32:04.339 --> 00:32:06.220 it. But the point I'm trying to make is that 00:32:06.220 --> 00:32:09.859 I was carrying a lot of trauma at a very early 00:32:09.859 --> 00:32:12.869 age. And at the time, like I said before, you 00:32:12.869 --> 00:32:17.049 don't realize it's trauma. You just think of 00:32:17.049 --> 00:32:20.009 it as an unfortunate circumstance that you just 00:32:20.009 --> 00:32:22.990 have to contend with. So a lot of times, you 00:32:22.990 --> 00:32:29.589 don't even know to ask for help. Now, I'm off 00:32:29.589 --> 00:32:31.349 the bullying stuff. I'm going to talk about the 00:32:31.349 --> 00:32:35.150 other stuff now. So in my case, because of the 00:32:35.150 --> 00:32:39.970 unique nature of the other trauma, or traumas 00:32:39.970 --> 00:32:43.609 that I was experiencing and circumstances beyond 00:32:43.609 --> 00:32:46.470 my control, being a minor and all of that, I 00:32:46.470 --> 00:32:50.970 was forced to seek counseling. And I'm not gonna 00:32:50.970 --> 00:32:55.289 get into what a disaster my so -called therapy 00:32:55.289 --> 00:33:00.769 was, but just imagine being 13 years old and 00:33:00.769 --> 00:33:05.069 suffering trauma on top of trauma on top of trauma. 00:33:06.150 --> 00:33:09.000 And I'm not talking about small stuff. Fuck the 00:33:09.000 --> 00:33:11.880 bullying at this point. That was like hopscotch 00:33:11.880 --> 00:33:13.960 compared to the other stuff I was dealing with. 00:33:15.200 --> 00:33:18.299 And although I was blessed to have parents who 00:33:18.299 --> 00:33:20.380 had the resources to put me into counseling and 00:33:20.380 --> 00:33:22.079 all that, they didn't know what they were signing 00:33:22.079 --> 00:33:25.819 me up for. They didn't. As an adult, I can appreciate 00:33:25.819 --> 00:33:29.460 the position they were in. So I never really 00:33:29.460 --> 00:33:33.079 blamed them for anything, even back then. I never 00:33:33.079 --> 00:33:37.039 blamed anyone involved, actually. I don't know 00:33:37.039 --> 00:33:40.299 why. It would have been very understandable for 00:33:40.299 --> 00:33:44.500 me to play the victim card. I was young, I was 00:33:44.500 --> 00:33:47.119 innocent. Yeah, I was a brat. Everyone knows 00:33:47.119 --> 00:33:49.960 I was a spoiled brat, but I never bothered anybody. 00:33:50.059 --> 00:33:54.279 I wasn't a bad kid. I could be a little mischievous 00:33:54.279 --> 00:33:58.880 at times, but I was a good kid. But I was just 00:33:58.880 --> 00:34:03.400 getting hammered with trauma after trauma. But, 00:34:03.420 --> 00:34:07.779 you know, even as a child on some level, I just... 00:34:07.799 --> 00:34:11.639 somehow knew that as unfortunate as all of this 00:34:11.639 --> 00:34:18.460 is, it's not really anyone's fault. Everyone 00:34:18.460 --> 00:34:21.920 who was involved in that whole situation, I feel 00:34:21.920 --> 00:34:24.480 like they did the best they could at the time. 00:34:25.360 --> 00:34:27.960 Again, I don't know how I was able to discern 00:34:27.960 --> 00:34:32.900 that at such a young age, but I did. And so I 00:34:32.900 --> 00:34:37.530 just absorbed all of that trauma. and I compartmentalized 00:34:37.530 --> 00:34:40.769 it away somewhere. And I just didn't deal with 00:34:40.769 --> 00:34:44.409 it. And I just went along and I pretended like 00:34:44.409 --> 00:34:47.829 it didn't happen. And I just tried to be a kid. 00:34:48.409 --> 00:34:52.110 I just tried to be a normal kid. And then maybe 00:34:52.110 --> 00:34:56.309 a year later, after things had settled down and 00:34:56.309 --> 00:34:58.989 things were somewhat going back to normal for 00:34:58.989 --> 00:35:05.880 me, it happened all over again. The same And 00:35:05.880 --> 00:35:12.619 by that time, I was just numb. I remember riding 00:35:12.619 --> 00:35:15.699 the car with my mom on the way from school. And 00:35:15.699 --> 00:35:18.940 this was right after it had happened again. And 00:35:18.940 --> 00:35:23.440 she asked me how I felt. And I might cry, but 00:35:23.440 --> 00:35:27.139 it's OK. But I'll never forget what I said to 00:35:27.139 --> 00:35:31.099 her when she asked me how I felt. I just kept 00:35:31.099 --> 00:35:33.139 looking straight ahead. I didn't even turn to 00:35:33.139 --> 00:35:35.739 look at her. But I could tell she was looking 00:35:35.739 --> 00:35:40.079 at me and I just shrugged my shoulders and I 00:35:40.079 --> 00:35:45.559 said, I'm okay. That's all I said. Because I 00:35:45.559 --> 00:35:51.039 knew she was sad for me and I always hated seeing 00:35:51.039 --> 00:35:57.000 my mom cry. So I lied and I said that I was okay. 00:35:58.179 --> 00:36:04.730 But I wasn't okay. My heart... and my spirit 00:36:04.730 --> 00:36:13.210 was broken and I was angry. I was so angry and 00:36:13.210 --> 00:36:19.510 hurt and sad. But I just killed it all in because 00:36:19.510 --> 00:36:25.349 I knew if I didn't, then it would have torn my 00:36:25.349 --> 00:36:29.650 family apart. And I knew it. But I wanted to 00:36:29.650 --> 00:36:32.969 scream. I just wanted to be like, How did you 00:36:32.969 --> 00:36:36.670 let this happen to me again? Why isn't anybody 00:36:36.670 --> 00:36:42.389 protecting me? I felt betrayed. I felt like what 00:36:42.389 --> 00:36:48.210 did I ever do to deserve this? But I didn't say 00:36:48.210 --> 00:36:52.630 any of that. I just pretended to be okay. And 00:36:52.630 --> 00:36:55.309 I compartmentalized it away like I did with all 00:36:55.309 --> 00:36:58.510 my other trauma. And I just put it someplace 00:36:58.510 --> 00:37:01.050 where I didn't have to deal with it. But what 00:37:01.050 --> 00:37:04.409 I didn't realize at the time was that all that 00:37:04.409 --> 00:37:09.469 anger and rage and resentment and disappointment 00:37:09.469 --> 00:37:12.710 and sadness, even though I didn't express it 00:37:12.710 --> 00:37:18.429 outwardly, it was still inside me. And those 00:37:18.429 --> 00:37:22.050 types of negative, toxic emotions aren't meant 00:37:22.050 --> 00:37:25.190 to stay trapped in your body like that. It's 00:37:25.190 --> 00:37:29.360 gonna come out in some kind of way. It's going 00:37:29.360 --> 00:37:31.500 to come out. It's going to come out as a mental 00:37:31.500 --> 00:37:33.980 illness. It's going to come out as a disease, 00:37:35.199 --> 00:37:41.960 drug abuse, alcoholism, anger issues, promiscuity, 00:37:42.320 --> 00:37:46.280 isolation, thrill -seeking, sexual identity issues. 00:37:46.280 --> 00:37:48.639 These are all things I had to deal with as a 00:37:48.639 --> 00:37:52.099 result of my trauma and not facing it head on 00:37:52.099 --> 00:37:55.239 and not getting therapy. For someone else, it 00:37:55.239 --> 00:37:58.590 may be different. unhealed trauma may manifest 00:37:58.590 --> 00:38:01.010 differently. It may be something like, you know, 00:38:01.090 --> 00:38:03.969 a lot of people cut themselves, or they're a 00:38:03.969 --> 00:38:07.090 compulsive liar, or they hoard, or they're tired 00:38:07.090 --> 00:38:10.010 all the time, or you develop eating disorders 00:38:10.010 --> 00:38:13.050 or shopping addictions, or you're just addictive 00:38:13.050 --> 00:38:17.309 and hateful and mean, or you hate women, you 00:38:17.309 --> 00:38:19.570 hate men, you got low self -esteem, you push 00:38:19.570 --> 00:38:21.789 people away, all types of stuff. Everybody's 00:38:21.789 --> 00:38:23.869 different. It's going to manifest differently. 00:38:24.449 --> 00:38:28.739 So what is it for you? How is unhealed trauma 00:38:28.739 --> 00:38:31.880 manifesting in your life? I want you to really 00:38:31.880 --> 00:38:34.659 think about that, because until you come to terms 00:38:34.659 --> 00:38:37.260 with this stuff that you've been bearing, until 00:38:37.260 --> 00:38:40.159 you face it head on, you're never going to have 00:38:40.159 --> 00:38:43.500 the life that you truly, truly desire and that 00:38:43.500 --> 00:38:47.119 you deserve. You may get the big fancy house 00:38:47.119 --> 00:38:50.139 and the cars and all of that, but what good is 00:38:50.139 --> 00:38:52.340 it if you're going to be miserable every day 00:38:52.340 --> 00:38:55.139 and popping pills just to feel halfway normal? 00:38:56.250 --> 00:38:58.929 Or maybe you're so broken, you end up dating 00:38:58.929 --> 00:39:01.530 and marrying somebody just as broken as you. 00:39:02.250 --> 00:39:04.969 And then you end up in this toxic, lonely mess 00:39:04.969 --> 00:39:08.769 of a relationship. Or you can just tell yourself 00:39:08.769 --> 00:39:09.789 that you don't want to be married. You don't 00:39:09.789 --> 00:39:12.329 even want to fool with. Because deep down, you 00:39:12.329 --> 00:39:15.489 know how toxic and hateful you are. And that 00:39:15.489 --> 00:39:17.570 nobody is ever going to put up with type of mess. 00:39:18.030 --> 00:39:21.329 Not any self -respecting person anyway. You know, 00:39:21.329 --> 00:39:23.590 I could go on and on about how this stuff manifests. 00:39:24.030 --> 00:39:28.369 But the principle applies. to everybody. All 00:39:28.369 --> 00:39:31.769 trauma is, it's just trapped energy, trapped 00:39:31.769 --> 00:39:35.230 negative energy with no place to go. It needs 00:39:35.230 --> 00:39:39.829 a constructive outlet. Mine has always been writing, 00:39:40.809 --> 00:39:43.530 speaking, performing, and things like that. For 00:39:43.530 --> 00:39:45.889 someone else, it might be sports or painting 00:39:45.889 --> 00:39:50.809 or exercising, video games, whatever. But find 00:39:50.809 --> 00:39:54.480 a healthy outlet. to channel your pain so that 00:39:54.480 --> 00:39:57.199 these negative emotions can get out of your body. 00:39:58.460 --> 00:40:00.539 To get out of your body and not end up causing 00:40:00.539 --> 00:40:05.099 cancer and mental illnesses and degrading your 00:40:05.099 --> 00:40:07.079 life to the point where everything just seems 00:40:07.079 --> 00:40:11.880 to be falling apart around you. Don't hoard and 00:40:11.880 --> 00:40:14.639 shop and drink and eat yourself to oblivion just 00:40:14.639 --> 00:40:18.800 to cold. All those are self -destructive behaviors. 00:40:19.559 --> 00:40:24.900 And that's only gonna compound your pain. Always 00:40:24.900 --> 00:40:26.500 remember this, if you don't eventually deal with 00:40:26.500 --> 00:40:29.860 your trauma, it will eventually deal with you. 00:40:31.500 --> 00:40:36.980 So deal with it now, deal with it later. Okay, 00:40:36.980 --> 00:40:40.260 I know that was a lot to take in. I'm gonna take 00:40:40.260 --> 00:40:42.619 a quick one minute break. I know this is some 00:40:42.619 --> 00:40:45.300 heavy stuff, but it's a necessary topic. So let's 00:40:45.300 --> 00:40:47.880 just take a quick one minute break, maybe get 00:40:47.880 --> 00:40:50.199 another glass of wine. And when we come back, 00:40:50.300 --> 00:40:52.179 I'm going to pivot. I'm going to talk about some 00:40:52.179 --> 00:40:54.940 practical steps that you can start taking today 00:40:54.940 --> 00:40:58.780 to start your healing journey. OK? So stick around. 00:40:58.800 --> 00:41:00.980 Live with Dr. Andre Jerry. We'll be right back. 00:42:35.469 --> 00:42:37.769 Welcome back to Live with Dr. Andre Jarrett. 00:42:37.829 --> 00:42:40.269 Thanks for hanging in there with me. If you came 00:42:40.269 --> 00:42:42.909 back for segment two, I'm really proud of you 00:42:42.909 --> 00:42:45.929 because I know mental health is not a fun topic 00:42:45.929 --> 00:42:49.230 to discuss, but I commend you for taking your 00:42:49.230 --> 00:42:51.429 mental health or the mental health of those you 00:42:51.429 --> 00:42:55.230 love seriously. So yeah, that first segment was 00:42:55.230 --> 00:42:58.050 heavy, but like I said, it was necessary. But 00:42:58.050 --> 00:43:01.369 now I want to take everything that we unpacked 00:43:01.369 --> 00:43:03.960 and... talk about how we move forward and how 00:43:03.960 --> 00:43:06.639 we begin the healing process, especially when 00:43:06.639 --> 00:43:09.440 the wounds run really deep and the trauma feels 00:43:09.440 --> 00:43:12.659 like it's permanent. So let's get back into it. 00:43:13.639 --> 00:43:19.599 So I've done a lot of the inner work. I've confronted 00:43:19.599 --> 00:43:24.579 most, if not all, of my trauma head on. And I've 00:43:24.579 --> 00:43:27.519 been intentional about uprooting a lot of the 00:43:27.519 --> 00:43:30.159 dysfunctional patterns that kind of ran my life 00:43:30.159 --> 00:43:35.219 for way too long. So between therapy and executive 00:43:35.219 --> 00:43:38.579 coaching, I really have noticed a real shift. 00:43:39.539 --> 00:43:41.840 You know, I don't get triggered like I used to. 00:43:41.840 --> 00:43:46.440 I'm not argumentative anymore. I can sit in agreement 00:43:46.440 --> 00:43:49.480 or disagreement, rather, with someone without 00:43:49.480 --> 00:43:52.579 it turning into this, you know, weird battle 00:43:52.579 --> 00:43:56.420 of the egos type thing. I used to have to have 00:43:56.420 --> 00:43:59.139 a last word on everything. I had to be the one 00:43:59.139 --> 00:44:01.710 in the right. You know, but now none of that 00:44:01.710 --> 00:44:03.929 stuff is no longer important to me. What I care 00:44:03.929 --> 00:44:08.369 about now at age 46 is peace. My peace is what 00:44:08.369 --> 00:44:11.110 matters. So I just let people believe whatever 00:44:11.110 --> 00:44:13.409 they want to believe. I let them feel how they 00:44:13.409 --> 00:44:16.630 want to feel. If they're committed to misunderstanding 00:44:16.630 --> 00:44:20.710 me, let them. If they're not ready to face reality, 00:44:21.329 --> 00:44:24.929 that's not my assignment. You know, a lot of 00:44:24.929 --> 00:44:28.550 folks are living in delusions and denial, but 00:44:28.550 --> 00:44:32.690 that's okay. their journey. So I've come a long 00:44:32.690 --> 00:44:35.070 way. And like I always say, for the most part, 00:44:35.190 --> 00:44:37.969 I try to stay in my lane. I leave people alone, 00:44:37.969 --> 00:44:41.909 but I'm still human. You know, everybody has 00:44:41.909 --> 00:44:46.730 a line. So recently, someone in my family kept 00:44:46.730 --> 00:44:51.130 pressing me to have a conversation that I wasn't 00:44:51.130 --> 00:44:54.250 quite ready to have. And it's nothing trauma 00:44:54.250 --> 00:44:56.710 related or anything like that. This is about 00:44:56.710 --> 00:45:03.860 a problem that I initially agreed to fix, but 00:45:03.860 --> 00:45:10.639 I realized that I didn't want to. I didn't want 00:45:10.639 --> 00:45:13.840 to because it wasn't my problem to begin with. 00:45:14.119 --> 00:45:17.480 It didn't involve me. I had no business being 00:45:17.480 --> 00:45:22.699 in the middle of it. So over the years, I've 00:45:22.699 --> 00:45:25.260 done some deep self -reflection. And one thing 00:45:25.260 --> 00:45:29.329 I've come to recognize with myself is this I 00:45:29.329 --> 00:45:31.570 kind of have this strange thing going on with 00:45:31.570 --> 00:45:37.670 success guilt and a savior complex when it comes 00:45:37.670 --> 00:45:40.349 to my family. To be honest, I'm still working 00:45:40.349 --> 00:45:44.829 through that, if I'm being honest. The success 00:45:44.829 --> 00:45:47.789 guilt doesn't stem from trauma. It's more about 00:45:47.789 --> 00:45:50.329 what happens when you've achieved a level of 00:45:50.329 --> 00:45:54.090 success that others around you haven't. If you 00:45:54.090 --> 00:45:58.489 don't address it, it will cause you to self -sabotage. 00:45:58.750 --> 00:46:01.670 and question whether you deserve what you've 00:46:01.670 --> 00:46:05.050 worked for. It can lead down the road of people 00:46:05.050 --> 00:46:08.130 pleasing and dimming your own likes so others 00:46:08.130 --> 00:46:11.289 feel uncomfortable, overcompensating to sort 00:46:11.289 --> 00:46:15.730 of ease the guilt about someone else's struggle. 00:46:15.949 --> 00:46:18.929 I've danced with all that type of stuff. Now, 00:46:19.130 --> 00:46:22.070 the savior complex, that's a little deeper. That's 00:46:22.070 --> 00:46:28.840 more psychological. It's like a deep -rooted 00:46:28.840 --> 00:46:33.480 need to rescue and fix and protect people even 00:46:33.480 --> 00:46:37.639 if it's at your own expense and That is tied 00:46:37.639 --> 00:46:40.920 to trauma So remember the story I shared earlier 00:46:40.920 --> 00:46:44.380 about riding in the car with my mom after something 00:46:44.380 --> 00:46:48.340 traumatic happened to me when I was 13 When she 00:46:48.340 --> 00:46:54.559 asked how I felt I Said I'm okay not because 00:46:54.559 --> 00:46:57.920 I was It was because I didn't want to see her 00:46:57.920 --> 00:47:01.519 cry. I just wanted her to be okay. I knew she 00:47:01.519 --> 00:47:05.039 was sad for me and I just wanted her to be okay. 00:47:05.800 --> 00:47:08.199 And that right there, that was the beginning. 00:47:09.599 --> 00:47:12.960 I've been playing emotional caretaker ever since 00:47:12.960 --> 00:47:17.639 I was 13 years old. I'm 46 now. At what point 00:47:17.639 --> 00:47:22.159 do you say enough is enough? That's why therapy 00:47:22.159 --> 00:47:25.800 is important because it helps you to put the 00:47:25.800 --> 00:47:30.019 pieces together and identify those emotional 00:47:30.019 --> 00:47:32.860 contracts you signed unknowingly when you were 00:47:32.860 --> 00:47:36.239 a child. And it helps you put a name to some 00:47:36.239 --> 00:47:39.920 of those destructive behaviors that feel normal, 00:47:39.920 --> 00:47:42.599 but they're actually nothing but survival mechanisms. 00:47:43.619 --> 00:47:47.199 For me, that was success, guilt, and the savior 00:47:47.199 --> 00:47:50.960 complex. And that's one of the last remnants 00:47:50.960 --> 00:47:54.820 of my trauma that I'm still in the process of 00:47:54.719 --> 00:47:58.880 purging myself from. So yeah, I changed my mind 00:47:58.880 --> 00:48:03.320 about helping to fix something that wasn't mine 00:48:03.320 --> 00:48:07.619 to fix. And eventually I was going to communicate 00:48:07.619 --> 00:48:10.559 that. I was, but I was going to do it on my time. 00:48:11.280 --> 00:48:16.440 I just retired. I just moved to Puerto Rico two 00:48:16.440 --> 00:48:20.179 months ago. I'm still adjusting to this whole 00:48:20.179 --> 00:48:23.119 new chapter in my life. I've got things to figure 00:48:23.119 --> 00:48:26.760 out. Figure out private health insurance. I got 00:48:26.760 --> 00:48:29.119 my show that, you know, it's on a weekly basis 00:48:29.119 --> 00:48:31.599 now. I just have a whole new life. So you just 00:48:31.599 --> 00:48:34.460 have to give me a moment to kind of settle into 00:48:34.460 --> 00:48:37.639 it. But instead of respecting that, it just kept 00:48:37.639 --> 00:48:40.280 pressing, kept pressing and pushing and trying 00:48:40.280 --> 00:48:42.659 to force the conversation I wasn't ready to have. 00:48:43.820 --> 00:48:47.780 And when you do that, eventually I push back. 00:48:48.599 --> 00:48:52.599 So not only that, Not only did I address the 00:48:52.599 --> 00:48:55.099 issue that they brought up, I also unpacked a 00:48:55.099 --> 00:48:58.260 few other things that have been sitting on me. 00:48:59.360 --> 00:49:01.239 And I'm just gonna say this for everybody, don't 00:49:01.239 --> 00:49:03.900 try to force a conversation with someone who's 00:49:03.900 --> 00:49:08.260 not ready to have it. Don't do that because you 00:49:08.260 --> 00:49:10.079 might open the door to something that you're 00:49:10.079 --> 00:49:14.019 not prepared to deal with. You might start a 00:49:14.019 --> 00:49:16.360 dialogue that you're not yet emotionally equipped 00:49:16.360 --> 00:49:21.289 to navigate. And that's exactly what ended up 00:49:21.289 --> 00:49:25.690 happening. So a better approach for things like 00:49:25.690 --> 00:49:31.050 that is if you need to have a sensitive or potentially 00:49:31.050 --> 00:49:33.929 loaded conversation with someone, just try saying 00:49:33.929 --> 00:49:37.070 something like, hey, is now a good time to talk 00:49:37.070 --> 00:49:40.329 about X, Y, and Z? They either going to say yes 00:49:40.329 --> 00:49:43.409 or no. If they say no, then just follow up with, 00:49:44.090 --> 00:49:46.349 OK, well, when would be a better time for us 00:49:46.349 --> 00:49:51.170 to talk? If you phrase it that way, it lets the 00:49:51.170 --> 00:49:55.269 other person know that, okay, what this other 00:49:55.269 --> 00:49:58.289 person has to say, it matters to them, but you 00:49:58.289 --> 00:50:02.750 also respect the other person's boundaries. Because, 00:50:02.949 --> 00:50:06.070 you know, real healing, real connection, real 00:50:06.070 --> 00:50:08.510 growth is gonna start with mutual respect. You 00:50:08.510 --> 00:50:13.570 can't force things on people. So if you've been 00:50:13.570 --> 00:50:16.010 listening to this show for almost the past hour, 00:50:16.010 --> 00:50:18.019 I know you're... probably feeling stirred up 00:50:18.019 --> 00:50:20.940 and convicted on some things. And you might be 00:50:20.940 --> 00:50:24.139 ready to start your own healing journey. So this 00:50:24.139 --> 00:50:26.340 is the part where I really want you to kind of 00:50:26.340 --> 00:50:29.300 lean in, because I'm going to talk about a few 00:50:29.300 --> 00:50:32.099 things that will really help you to jumpstart 00:50:32.099 --> 00:50:36.699 your healing journey, OK? So if you're ready 00:50:36.699 --> 00:50:39.900 to do this, the first thing I invite you to do 00:50:39.900 --> 00:50:43.980 is to find yourself a mental health practitioner 00:50:43.980 --> 00:50:48.420 that you can vibe with. For me, I like for, and 00:50:48.420 --> 00:50:49.880 some people are not gonna like this, but whatever. 00:50:50.780 --> 00:50:53.639 For me, I like for my doctors and therapists 00:50:53.639 --> 00:50:56.420 and coaches, I like for them to be black men, 00:50:56.739 --> 00:50:59.519 okay? There's nothing racist about that. I'm 00:50:59.519 --> 00:51:02.119 a black man. I feel like I will relate better 00:51:02.119 --> 00:51:06.119 to another black man. That's all it is. I'm not 00:51:06.119 --> 00:51:07.679 saying you have to be that way. I'm just saying 00:51:07.679 --> 00:51:10.900 that's me, okay? But as long as it's someone 00:51:10.900 --> 00:51:16.929 that you vibe with, all right? If you're thinking 00:51:16.929 --> 00:51:19.929 something like, you know, therapy is expensive 00:51:19.929 --> 00:51:25.550 and all of that, I hear you, but find one anyway. 00:51:26.469 --> 00:51:29.590 Ask about their rates and what your insurance 00:51:29.590 --> 00:51:32.070 might cover and what your actual out -of -pocket 00:51:32.070 --> 00:51:34.150 cost would be, because I promise you it's not 00:51:34.150 --> 00:51:37.150 going to be as much as you think it is. It's 00:51:37.150 --> 00:51:41.050 probably less than a new wig or, you know, the 00:51:41.050 --> 00:51:43.889 last pair of shoes you bought. You know, so just 00:51:43.889 --> 00:51:46.940 check into it and find out. what the cost is 00:51:46.940 --> 00:51:49.119 going to be to you. All right. And when you find 00:51:49.119 --> 00:51:53.039 a counselor or therapist, just show up on a consistent 00:51:53.039 --> 00:51:57.940 basis. You know, maybe the first session, they'll 00:51:57.940 --> 00:51:59.760 give you some feedback on whether you want to 00:51:59.760 --> 00:52:03.340 do this weekly or bi -weekly or once a month 00:52:03.340 --> 00:52:05.280 or once a quarter, whatever you can afford, whatever 00:52:05.280 --> 00:52:08.519 you're comfortable with. Just start somewhere. 00:52:09.920 --> 00:52:12.519 A good place to begin is TalkSpace .com, which 00:52:12.519 --> 00:52:16.340 is our sponsor for tonight's episode. So Talkspace 00:52:16.340 --> 00:52:18.380 is gonna connect you with a licensed therapist 00:52:18.380 --> 00:52:20.980 right from your phone, right from your laptop. 00:52:21.320 --> 00:52:22.920 You don't have to worry about waiting rooms, 00:52:23.039 --> 00:52:25.239 no traffic, none of that. There's gonna be real 00:52:25.239 --> 00:52:30.179 therapy that's on your terms, okay? So just go 00:52:30.179 --> 00:52:35.159 to Talkspace .com and really find out some more 00:52:35.159 --> 00:52:37.380 about their services. It might be a good fit 00:52:37.380 --> 00:52:42.579 for you, okay? Now, here's something simple that 00:52:42.579 --> 00:52:47.019 you can do, but it's powerful. Get yourself a 00:52:47.019 --> 00:52:51.179 small hand mirror Okay, you probably already 00:52:51.179 --> 00:52:53.980 got one Or you can stand in front of your bathroom 00:52:53.980 --> 00:52:56.219 mirror doesn't matter but a hand I found that 00:52:56.219 --> 00:52:59.019 a hand mirror works a little bit better Every 00:52:59.019 --> 00:53:01.760 day I want you to look at yourself in the mirror 00:53:01.760 --> 00:53:04.519 looks you look at yourself in the eyes and say 00:53:04.519 --> 00:53:08.840 three things say I love you It's not it's gonna 00:53:08.840 --> 00:53:12.059 sound and feel weird when you do it, but just 00:53:12.059 --> 00:53:14.820 humor me do it look in the mirror and say I love 00:53:14.820 --> 00:53:21.360 you I'm proud of you. I forgive you. Don't worry 00:53:21.360 --> 00:53:23.980 about how weird it feels and how weird it sounds. 00:53:24.059 --> 00:53:26.519 It's gonna get easier every day, but if you continue 00:53:26.519 --> 00:53:29.760 to do it on a daily basis, maybe even a few times 00:53:29.760 --> 00:53:34.739 a day, you will notice a difference, okay? The 00:53:34.739 --> 00:53:36.159 other thing, and I've talked about this in other 00:53:36.159 --> 00:53:39.639 shows, I want you to start a gratitude journal. 00:53:41.259 --> 00:53:43.340 Write down at least 10 things you're grateful 00:53:43.340 --> 00:53:45.699 for every single day Don't matter if you do it 00:53:45.699 --> 00:53:48.440 at night when you wake up or I'm sorry at night 00:53:48.440 --> 00:53:49.780 when you go to bed or in the morning when you 00:53:49.780 --> 00:53:51.820 wake up Doesn't matter as long as you do it and 00:53:51.820 --> 00:53:55.280 make it a practice every day this practice what 00:53:55.280 --> 00:53:59.539 it'll do is gonna rewire your brain to Notice 00:53:59.539 --> 00:54:02.539 what's going right in your life instead of fixating 00:54:02.539 --> 00:54:05.320 on all your problems and what's going wrong? 00:54:06.069 --> 00:54:08.210 And if you do it long enough, you're going to 00:54:08.210 --> 00:54:11.230 start to attract more things to be grateful for. 00:54:12.309 --> 00:54:15.309 Trust me, it works. I've lived this. I've done 00:54:15.309 --> 00:54:20.610 it. I still do it. Lastly, for those of you working 00:54:20.610 --> 00:54:23.610 through unforgiveness, I know that's a tough 00:54:23.610 --> 00:54:27.670 one. I want you to try this. Every morning when 00:54:27.670 --> 00:54:29.349 you wake up and you say your prayers or whatever, 00:54:30.230 --> 00:54:32.750 I want you to picture in your mind three people. 00:54:33.469 --> 00:54:35.920 You don't have to be three, but usually, Three 00:54:35.920 --> 00:54:39.300 people who you just can't stand. I'm talking, 00:54:39.320 --> 00:54:42.059 you just can't stand them. I want you to visualize 00:54:42.059 --> 00:54:47.139 their faces and silently in your mind, just send 00:54:47.139 --> 00:54:50.179 them peace and love. I don't care if they don't 00:54:50.179 --> 00:54:51.400 deserve it or you feel like they don't deserve 00:54:51.400 --> 00:54:54.440 it. Just send them peace and love when you picture 00:54:54.440 --> 00:54:58.360 their face in your mind. And I know you may not 00:54:58.360 --> 00:55:01.340 mean it at first. It may feel fake. Do it anyway. 00:55:02.260 --> 00:55:05.769 And repeat this daily. And then watch. I'm telling 00:55:05.769 --> 00:55:09.750 you, watch how your energy starts to shift. You 00:55:09.750 --> 00:55:12.289 may not reconcile with that person. You know, 00:55:12.289 --> 00:55:14.750 you might still feel some type of way, but trust 00:55:14.750 --> 00:55:16.690 me, you will heal from that. And sometimes I 00:55:16.690 --> 00:55:20.050 know where that person might just reach out and 00:55:20.050 --> 00:55:23.570 offer an apology or finally show the growth that 00:55:23.570 --> 00:55:25.929 you never thought you'd see. But I encourage 00:55:25.929 --> 00:55:28.230 you to try that. These are free things that don't 00:55:28.230 --> 00:55:32.750 cost you nothing, right? That's healing. That's 00:55:32.750 --> 00:55:36.639 freedom. Okay? There's some couple of other things 00:55:36.639 --> 00:55:38.840 that I want to go to I might have to do another 00:55:38.840 --> 00:55:41.159 a part two of this show, but I'm gonna go ahead 00:55:41.159 --> 00:55:45.260 and and Close this show out, but listen to the 00:55:45.260 --> 00:55:47.559 end of the day. I just want you to realize that 00:55:47.559 --> 00:55:51.059 healing It's not a destination. It's a choice. 00:55:51.360 --> 00:55:54.239 It's a journey. It's a daily journey Some days 00:55:54.239 --> 00:55:56.099 are gonna be easy some days are gonna be hard 00:55:56.099 --> 00:56:00.320 But the moment you decide to stop running You're 00:56:00.320 --> 00:56:04.480 gonna create space for yourself and you're gonna 00:56:04.480 --> 00:56:06.679 create space for the peace that you've always 00:56:06.679 --> 00:56:08.980 been praying for and the peace that you deserve. 00:56:10.300 --> 00:56:13.840 Okay? So really think about everything that we 00:56:13.840 --> 00:56:16.940 talked about tonight. I wanna thank you for spending 00:56:16.940 --> 00:56:20.019 this hour with me. I hope something I said stirred 00:56:20.019 --> 00:56:22.579 something in you and gave you some clarity or 00:56:22.579 --> 00:56:25.440 just simply reminded you that you're not alone. 00:56:26.139 --> 00:56:30.079 Healing is messy, okay? Growth is uncomfortable. 00:56:30.489 --> 00:56:36.090 But both of those things are worth it. So be 00:56:36.090 --> 00:56:38.829 sure to join me next week for another powerful 00:56:38.829 --> 00:56:40.889 conversation that just might change the way you 00:56:40.889 --> 00:56:43.710 see yourself and the world around you. It's gonna 00:56:43.710 --> 00:56:47.869 be the same place, same time, Wednesdays, 6 p 00:56:47.869 --> 00:56:49.849 .m. Eastern, right here on the Artist First Radio 00:56:49.849 --> 00:56:52.829 Network. Until then, everybody take care of yourself. 00:56:53.250 --> 00:56:55.190 Don't be afraid to have the conversations that 00:56:55.190 --> 00:56:58.250 matter. Peace and love to everybody. See you 00:56:58.250 --> 00:56:58.670 next week.