Dr. Jerry, you got the whole world waiting. Been
ready for you to start the conversation. Your
point of view, it got the haters confused. Leave
it up to you to bring us all the good news. Positive
vibes and a sex appeal too. Dr. Andre Jerry,
can I get a interview? You, you, you, you, you,
you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you,
you, you, you, you destination for bold conversations,
unfiltered truth, and real -life inspiration.
I'm your host, Dr. Andre Jerry, broadcasting
live from San Juan, Puerto Rico. Tonight's episode
is sponsored by Talkspace, the leading online
therapy platform connecting you with licensed
therapists anytime, anywhere. Whether you're
navigating grief, trauma, anxiety, or just need
someone to talk to, Talkspace makes it easier
to put your mental health first. visit TalkSpace
.com to learn more. And I'll show more details
about our sponsor later in the show. So as we
approach the end of May, which is Mental Health
Awareness Month, and because this is the last
episode of May, I didn't want to miss this opportunity
to discuss mental health. And not just from a
cursory, shallow viewpoint. I really like for
us to have the uncomfortable conversation that
many of us try to avoid. So if you feel like
you're not in the right head space right now
for a possibly uncomfortable discussion about
mental health or, you know, there are parts of
your life that you're not quite ready to face,
then this may be your cue to hit pause and maybe
come back for the replay when you feel ready
to listen. I have a disclaimer for this show
that I want to read. The views and opinions expressed
on live with Dr. Andre Jerry are solely those
of the host. and do not necessarily reflect the
views of the Artist First Radio Network, its
affiliates, or sponsors. I am not a licensed
therapist, counselor, or mental health practitioner.
The content shared on this program is for informational
and conversational purposes only and should not
be construed as medical advice, diagnosis, or
treatment. Always seek the guidance from a qualified
healthcare professional. And any questions you
may have regarding your mental health or medical
condition, run that through your doctor. And
listener discretion is advised. OK? So listen,
before we dive into this episode, I want to make
something very, very clear. Mental illness is
not a character flaw. It's not a weakness. It's
not a punch line. This is something that's real,
and it affects people's lives substantially.
and it's time that we stop hiding behind silence
and sarcasm and shame. Tonight I may inject some
humor here and there just to sort of lighten
the mood and make the content a little bit more
digestible to the extent that I can, but I do
understand the seriousness of this subject matter.
Tonight's show is going to be about healing and
it's my hope that this conversation that we're
going to have that we all give ourselves and
each other permission to be human. and to feel
and to heal. Okay, so let's get started. So the
thing for tonight's show is simple, but it's
kind of heavy. We need to talk. No one likes
to hear that phrase, right? We need to talk,
but we really do. And not just about mental health,
but about family, generational cycles, and all
the stuff that we've been taught to keep quiet.
You see, mental illness is not always what we
think it is. It's not those dramatic breakdown
that we see in the movies or on reality TV. It's
not that Sometimes it's more subtle. It's the
friend who ghosted you or Maybe it's your cousin
who hoards or the neighbor that never leaves
their house Or it could be your boss whose ego
is so fragile that it holds your whole department
back You see we're surrounded by it and sometimes
it's in us But we don't call Things what it is
because a lot of times we normalize Dysfunction
we say oh, that's just how she is or you know,
he's always been a little off or a little strange
We just kind of brush it aside But tonight we're
gonna take a pause from that. We're gonna talk
because the mental illness is not It's not just
something that shows up in the psychiatric hospitals
It's in our group chats. It's in the church.
It's in our bedrooms. It may be even right in
front of the mirror Mental health isn't just
about diagnosis. It's all those conversations
we avoid that we know we need to have. It's the
healing that we postpone and the shame that we
carry until it eats us alive. It's the unspoken
grief, the quiet breakdowns, and the way we stop
showing up for ourselves because we're too busy
or we're pretending like everything is fine.
So this episode... Just isn't important because
it's the last week of mental health awareness
month and all of that This is a necessary episode
because mental health affects all of us Whether
you're living with a mental condition yourself
or you're loving someone who may have a mental
condition Or maybe working next to someone who's
struggling silently is everywhere You know, even
if you think mental illness doesn't run in your
family or so you think Chances are you've been
counted it without even realizing it it might
be happening right under your nose in a relationship
with a friend or family member and you know you've
just been maybe you've been feeling a little
off for a while and you don't really know what
name to put to it but something's there if you
need a visual for what mental illness is just
scroll through tiktok i don't know what it is
about tiktok in particular but seriously scroll
through tiktok you'll see mental illness almost
in every swipe It'll be disguised as jokes and
different dances or whatever, trauma bonding,
all sorts of stuff. But it's apparent that people
are struggling. And just because it's visible
doesn't mean that it's understood or it's diagnosed.
And contrary to popular belief, mental illness
doesn't always look like how we picture it in
TV, like someone rocking in a corner or mumbling
to themselves or, you know, a drunk homeless
person yelling at traffic. or a woman who's clutching
a wine bottle and she's spiraling, you know,
it doesn't always look good. Sometimes mental
illness can look like not willing to get out
of the bed or persistent poor hygiene and lack
of grooming, not being able to sleep, sleeping
way too much, chronic fatigue with no type of
medical explanation behind it, unexplainable
body aches and pains. social withdrawal, avoiding
phone calls, irritability over very small things,
making plans and then canceling those plans for
no reason, being overwhelmed by simple mundane
everyday tasks. It can look like overeating or
some type of extreme weight loss or appetite
loss. It could be a hard time focusing or staying
organized or just being emotionally numb. You
know what I mean? And zoned out. These aren't
quirks or bad habits. These are symptoms. These
are signs and these are cries for help. Just
like some of these more recognizable conditions
like postpartum. A lot of women go through that
PTSD, obsessive compulsive disorders, compulsive
gambling, compulsive shopping, binge eating or
any type of disorder eating pattern, hypochondria.
You know, these are real diagnosable things,
and they're not character flaws. So tonight we're
going to call out all the things that are usually
left unsaid. We're going to unbox what's been
buried. And we're going to give ourselves permission
to voice a lot of the hurts that we have felt.
So we can finally start to heal, because you
can't heal what you're going to confront. Let's
talk about a few statistics that are worth mentioning,
because these are important. According to the
National Alliance on Mental Illness, one in five
adults in the U .S. experience mental illness
each year. So that equates to about 57 million
people, okay? And listen to this one. More than
50 % of Americans will be diagnosed with a mental
illness or a mental disorder at some point in
their lifetime. You see? So those are important
statistics because it reinforces that mental
health is not just a trending topic. It's a mirror.
So this is nothing to be ashamed about. This
impacts a lot of people and a lot of things.
And whether you're looking at yourself or someone
you love, you owe it to yourself to care enough
about mental health awareness. And you need to...
more to the people in your life to at least listen
and learn as much as you can about mental health
awareness so you can act and take action for
the people that you may want to help or for yourself.
And even if not personally affected by mental
illness, I want you to stay tuned anyway because
chances are something you may hear tonight might
help you help somebody else tomorrow. Okay, so.
On this show, I always try to, as much as I can,
share my life experience with you all. And not
just the good stuff and the glamorous stuff.
I'm talking about the not so good, the sometimes
embarrassing stuff. I don't do that for sympathy,
but I do it so that you can kind of see yourself
in my story and maybe avoid a few of the mistakes
I've made in my life. or at least be encouraged
by the fact that, yeah, I went through some stuff,
but I made it out. And I'm getting some feedback
that we're having some audio issues. So let's
take a quick minute break or so. We'll pick up
on our conversation when we come back. All right
guys, sorry about that. This is live radio. So
sometimes audio issues happen So we're gonna
try to pick up where things got kind of choppy.
So bear with me Thanks for staying tuned. So
like I was saying before we got interrupted on
this show I always try to whenever I can Share
my life experiences with you all and like I said
before not just the good stuff and the glamorous
stuff But some of the stuff that's embarrassing
Because a lot of people may you may be able to
see yourself in my story and avoid some of the
mistakes that I've made in my life, you know,
or be encouraged by the fact that I may have
went through some things, but I made it on the
other side of it. And so this episode is going
to be no different. I've had my own battle with
mental illness, and it's not just me. Mental
illness runs in my family. And I'm not just talking
about a couple of people. I mean, the majority
of my family. And I trace a lot of that back
to my grandmother. Unfortunately, she suffered
from schizophrenia for most of her life. And,
you know, I don't know for certain if mental
illness predated her with someone else maybe
in her line, but on my grandmother's side or
my mother's side, that's as far as I've been
able to track it is back to my grandmother. Now,
my grandmother, she had nine daughters. So just
let that sink in for a moment nine girls Who
are being raised in a home where their mother
had untreated schizophrenia? And if you just
think about the trauma that they must have endured
I'm sure it was unimaginable sometimes If you
guys have ever seen the movie precious, then
you'll remember the character Mary Jones who
was portrayed by Monique now as intense as that
character was, she actually reminded me a lot
of my grandmother, and not so much in terms of
the behavior. Put the behavior aside, I'm more
so talking about the level of mental illness
that that character had. You know, it was pretty
severe. And I know that may be hard for a lot
of people in my family to hear, but I say that
from the unique perspective of someone who actually
lived with his grandmother for nearly a decade,
you know, but Don't get me wrong, she had her
good days and moments where she was in good spirits
just like anyone else. Her laugh was infectious.
I'll always remember her laugh. But yeah, I saw
a lot of things. I heard a lot of things and
experienced a lot of things too. And I may not
have been around back in the day when my grandmother
was raising her daughters back in the 50s and
60s, but I lived under the same roof with her
decades later. And she was still a force. So
I can only imagine how much more intense she
was back when she was younger. And so that's
why my heart really does go out to my mom and
her sisters, because you can't live through that
kind of instability and not come out with some
wounds, emotional wounds, psychological wounds,
spiritual wounds, you know. And I can just hear
some people in my family saying, Andre, shut
up, you weren't even there. How would you know?
And yeah, I get all of that. But like I said,
again, I lived with her. I didn't just visit
my grandmother. I lived with her. And actually,
I may be the only one of her grandchildren who
lived with her. I don't know. I'm sure someone
in my family will correct me if I'm wrong. But
I know what I'm talking about. And when I say
mental illness is rampant in my family, that's
not an attack. It's just the truth. You know,
that's my acknowledgment of the cards we were
all handed. And again, it's nothing that any
of us should feel ashamed about, but it's time
to finally address certain things and put it
out in the open and not make it this dirty little
secret anymore. You know, someone's got to lead
to the discussion on the topic and uncover all
of the mess and remove the shame and the stigma
from mental illness. And not just in my family,
but in a lot of other families as well. So my
family, like many... Black families have a history
of keeping secrets. We bury our pain. We avoid
hard conversations. We don't name the obvious.
And I used to be a part of that whole cycle.
But today I know a little bit better. And I know
that there is no healing without being honest.
We've all heard the saying that You're only as
sick as your secret. Well, that's absolutely
true. That's absolutely true. When you hold in
pain, when you suppress trauma, it doesn't go
away. It just festers. And it becomes depression
or anxiety, rage, self -hate. And it can morph
into physical illness, too. It can sabotage your
relationships. It can rob you of your joy. So
many things. So back to my grandmother, she raised
kids back during a time when black folks didn't
have access to therapy, especially not in rural
Georgia. Back then, you were lucky to see a doctor
or a nurse at all, let alone talking about a
therapist. You know, mental health awareness
wasn't in the vocabulary back then. People didn't
talk about being raped or molested or abused
at home. You just survived the best you could.
shut the hell up about whatever you were going
through, and you just coped. You moved on, you
got married, you had kids, and whether consciously
or unconsciously, you passed those behaviors
down to your children. And when I say behaviors,
I'm talking about the behavior that results from
the trauma you endure as a child. So all that
self -care, wellness, mental health awareness,
all that stuff, none of that was in the lexicon
back then. That was a luxury. In rural Georgia,
people just Didn't have the mental health tools
that we all have now All they had back then was
trauma and the church and don't even get me started
on the church But you know many of them ended
up raising Their children through the filter
of that trauma not because they were bad people
or anything. It's just they were broken, too
and When you're in it when it's happening, you
don't really understand it as trauma when it's
happening. You just sort of think This is life.
I just got to deal with it. It's like my grandmother
and her daughters. I won't pretend to know every
single detail about, you know, what it was like
for them growing up, but I do know what my mother
shared with us. She didn't tell us everything,
but there's some things she shared. One of those
things was that her mom never told her, I love
you. Imagine growing up and not hearing those
words from anyone. Imagine what that does to
a child's sense of worth. It has to break something
deep inside you. But this is what I admired about
my mom. She made a decision. She told herself
that when she had kids, she was gonna break that
cycle. So no matter how difficult it would be,
and I'm sure it was for her at first, but she
made it a point to make sure she told all of
her children, I love you. And she didn't just
tell us that she told us that often. And by the
time I came around, she was able to say it effortlessly.
She told me every day she loved me. Sometimes
it felt like she said it too much. But now I
give anything to hear her say it just one more
time. But yeah, I remember hearing my mom say
that she said it to me. She said it to her sisters.
Maybe not all of them, but I definitely heard
her say it to honey, to bae. Tar, she said, to
Dale. Dale was her closest sister, and Dale was
my favorite aunt. But yeah, even though my mom
didn't verbalize it, I sort of knew what she
was doing. She was trying to interrupt a pattern
of behavior with her sister. She was trying to
normalize showing love and showing affection
and normalize hearing the words, I love you.
Because when you grow up not hearing that, I
can imagine when someone finally does say it
to you, you can feel sort of awkward or uncomfortable
or just boring. So I really think that was intentional
on her part. And maybe some of that energy trickled
down. Maybe that made it easier for her sisters
to say it to their kids. I don't know. I don't
know. There's something I always wonder about.
Like, how many people grew up without hearing
the words, I love you, from their parents. It
was normal for me, but it may not have been normal
for a lot of people. I just wonder, does that
still happen with these new parents? Because
to me, it just feels so outdated. Like, I would
like to hope that we all evolve past that type
of archaic parenting, where you're not saying
I love you to your kids. I would hope that people
understand how damaging that is for children
not to hear that. on a regular basis. I don't
know, maybe some of my cousins have dealt with
that. Or, you know, maybe some parents still
think saying I love you isn't necessary. Maybe
they feel like it's just understood that, yeah,
I love you, but children need to hear it. Those
three words are foundational. When those three
words are missing from a child's life, it leaves
a gap that can create insecurity and All types
of stuff, self -sabotage, emotional detachment.
You know, that type of brokenness just doesn't
fade away. It kind of follows you all through
your life. And I'm sure it shows up in how you
parent your own children and how you love and
your relationships and just how you show up in
the world. But maybe that wasn't your issue.
Maybe your trauma was different. Maybe your trauma
showed up in the way you were treated or spoken
to. Maybe you were neglected or shamed or something.
And if you're carrying that type of pain, if
you're still hurting from that type of stuff,
I want to tell you that it's okay. You're definitely
not alone. You remember the statistics I read
earlier. And you're able to heal from that stuff.
But here's the thing, healing takes work. It's
not easy. That's why so many people run from
it. I know that At least some of my cousins have
strained relationships with their mothers, their
parents. And that's not throwing shade at nobody.
It's just a reality. I think all of my aunts
did the very best they could given the cards
they were dealt. But generational pain doesn't
get fixed with good intentions. It gets fixed
by confronting things and doing the work. And
like I said, that's the difficult part. And that's
why so many people avoid it. Facing your trauma
means having to confront everything that you've
kept hidden away. It means reopening those old
wounds and crying and breaking down and, you
know, feeling those same things that you buried
years and years ago, things you thought that
you were over and past. And I won't lie to you,
it's really hard. It hurts. It's like being re
-traumatized all over again. But like I said
before, you can't heal what you won't face. So
it doesn't matter if you were raped, molested,
bullied, rejected, abused, given up for adoption,
falsely accused, abandoned, ostracized, or ridiculed
for being different, whatever it is, you don't
have to carry that stuff forever. If you're tired
of suffering and... tired of popping pills, tired
of being depressed and angry all the time, tired
of pushing people away, then this is really a
moment for you. Really confront that stuff. Talk
to someone about it. A licensed therapist if
you can, but if you can't, a pastor, it doesn't
matter, a friend, a sibling, a cousin, just as
long as it's someone that you trust. Someone
that's gonna listen and have your back and not
judge you. And someone that's gonna help you
to forgive because that's the sauce right there.
Forgiveness is where all the healing is going
to begin. You have to forgive the people who
hurt you. And you have to forgive yourself. You
have to forgive yourself for carrying the burden
for all those decades. You have to forgive yourself
for not reacting the way you wish you would have
reacted. You have to forgive yourself for staying
silent and for not speaking up and speaking out
about your pain. You got to forgive yourself
for just surviving the best way you knew how
at the time. Forgiveness is like the capstone
in your healing journey. It's not something you
can get right, too. You have to work your way
up to that. But forgiveness is going to be what
allows you to finally have closure. And remember
what I said about closure? I said this in previous
shows. Closure is an inside job. That's something
I learned in therapy. And I used to think that
closure was something that I had to rely on somebody
else for, but that's not true at all. Closure
is an inside job. It doesn't matter if the person
is living, if they're dead, if they're speaking
to you, not speaking to you. You create closure
through forgiveness and reframing the way that
you tell the story of what happened to you. And
I'll talk more about that in the next segment.
I'll say one of the most pivotal breakthroughs
in my healing journey came when my therapist
helped me to finally confront and heal from an
incident that haunted me for decades. And this
incident was tied to bullying. Now, if you follow
up the show, you've probably heard me talk about
how I was bullied all through school. But back
then when it was happening, I never told anyone.
I didn't tell my parents. I didn't tell my teachers.
None of my friends who went to my other schools
or whatever, none of them knew. I didn't talk
to my cousins about it. I just kept that pain
locked away until I was an adult. But there was
one moment that left an especially deep scar
on me. And I've shared this story before, but
it bears repeating because somebody out there
might still be carrying something similar, but...
Very briefly, okay, so in seventh grade during
lunch period, I was slapped in the face in front
of the entire school. It was actually a dare.
If you remember earlier this month in the toxic
friends episode, I talked about how me and my
childhood best friend John, how we came to be
friends. He was actually one of the people in
school who used to bully me every day. And one
day I confronted him about it. you know, for
always picking on me. We almost got in a fight,
and somehow we became best friends after that.
Well, fast forward to the lunchroom scene, which
was later that same school year. It was in seventh
grade. I'm sitting across from John. We're all
in the lunchroom. John was always very popular,
by the way. So all the cool kids sat around John.
He was always popular. So, you know, I kind of
went from being the nerd everybody picked on
to sitting with the popular kids. So things,
for me, things were starting to look a little
bit better for me, or so I thought. Well, and
I never shared this part of the story before,
but John was actually the person who dared the
other kid, whose name was Alfonso. I'll never
forget his name. John is the one who dared Alfonso
to slap me. Ain't that something? The person
who I befriended, the person I thought was my
new best friend, dared someone to slap me. So
looking back, John was always like a piece of
shit and a bad friend to me. He showed me who
he was from day one. Why I didn't see it all
these years is beyond me. But anyway, anyway,
I'm getting sidetracked. So yeah, John was like,
I dare you to go over there and slap Andre. He
said it a different way, but I'm not gonna I'm
trying not to use profanity, but he's out that
you he won't hit you back Andre is all talk And
I guess he was talking about when we almost fought
earlier that year But even back then neither
one of us threw a punch, so I don't know I don't
know what was in his mind back then but the kid
Alfonso he was kind of like me He wasn't one
of the popular kids. He was sort of on the fringe
like I was probably seeking the same acceptance
that I was seeking back then. So, of course,
when one of the most popular guys in school befriends
you and lets you sit with his group at lunch
and, you know, if he dares you to do something
out of peer pressure, you're just, you know,
and being that young, you're probably gonna do
it. But meanwhile, me, I'm confused because my
so -called best friend is betraying me in real
time. And then you got Alfonso, who actually
got up and was walking over to slap me. Mind
you, the entire lunchroom was watching this whole
thing play out. And I'm looking at Alfonso heading
towards me and giving him this look like, I wish
you would. I wish you would. And right when he
got close to me, I stood up. It seemed like everybody
was taller than me back then. But anyway, I stood
up like, what? And he slapped me. And I just
froze. I didn't hit him back. We didn't start
fighting. Nothing. I just stood there. And the
entire school erupted in laughter. I can still
hear the laughter in my mind. You want to talk
about embarrassing? I was mortified. And a slap
didn't even hurt. It didn't hurt physically.
It was just the humiliation. It was the public
shaming of it. I felt like my dignity and my
manhood was just snatched in front of everybody.
And that moment shattered whatever little fragile
self -esteem I had at the time. I remember thinking,
I'm never going to live this down. It just became
the... moment that defined me or so I thought.
And for years, I blame myself, not the boy who
hit me, not Alfonso, but I blame myself for not
defending myself, not hitting him back. And all
that guilt, it just metastasized into shame and
eventually rage. And it just colored everything
in my life. It colored how I approach my friendships,
how I interacted with my family, my romantic.
relationships later in life, it really hardened
me. And it made me really defensive and argumentative
and angry. I was always ready to go off about
something, not because I wanted to, but just
because I just swore that no one would ever humiliate
me like that ever again. So, yeah, that really
did a number on me psychologically. Actually,
that slap wasn't the only trauma I had suffered.
Around that same time, I was experiencing another
trauma that was like 10 times worse than this
bullying stuff. I was catching hell from all
sides at age 13. I don't know what it was about
age 13, but that was just the age from hell for
me. It's like my whole world. feel a part of
age 13. That's why I always chuckle when people
call me like the golden child, the golden boy,
and think I've had this easy breezy life or whatever.
People don't have a clue of the things I've had
to live through. And the ones that think they
know a little bit, they don't even know the half
of it. One day I'm finally going to sit down
and write a book about my life. I have the time
now. So I'm going to finally sit down and do
it. But the point I'm trying to make is that
I was carrying a lot of trauma at a very early
age. And at the time, like I said before, you
don't realize it's trauma. You just think of
it as an unfortunate circumstance that you just
have to contend with. So a lot of times, you
don't even know to ask for help. Now, I'm off
the bullying stuff. I'm going to talk about the
other stuff now. So in my case, because of the
unique nature of the other trauma, or traumas
that I was experiencing and circumstances beyond
my control, being a minor and all of that, I
was forced to seek counseling. And I'm not gonna
get into what a disaster my so -called therapy
was, but just imagine being 13 years old and
suffering trauma on top of trauma on top of trauma.
And I'm not talking about small stuff. Fuck the
bullying at this point. That was like hopscotch
compared to the other stuff I was dealing with.
And although I was blessed to have parents who
had the resources to put me into counseling and
all that, they didn't know what they were signing
me up for. They didn't. As an adult, I can appreciate
the position they were in. So I never really
blamed them for anything, even back then. I never
blamed anyone involved, actually. I don't know
why. It would have been very understandable for
me to play the victim card. I was young, I was
innocent. Yeah, I was a brat. Everyone knows
I was a spoiled brat, but I never bothered anybody.
I wasn't a bad kid. I could be a little mischievous
at times, but I was a good kid. But I was just
getting hammered with trauma after trauma. But,
you know, even as a child on some level, I just...
somehow knew that as unfortunate as all of this
is, it's not really anyone's fault. Everyone
who was involved in that whole situation, I feel
like they did the best they could at the time.
Again, I don't know how I was able to discern
that at such a young age, but I did. And so I
just absorbed all of that trauma. and I compartmentalized
it away somewhere. And I just didn't deal with
it. And I just went along and I pretended like
it didn't happen. And I just tried to be a kid.
I just tried to be a normal kid. And then maybe
a year later, after things had settled down and
things were somewhat going back to normal for
me, it happened all over again. The same And
by that time, I was just numb. I remember riding
the car with my mom on the way from school. And
this was right after it had happened again. And
she asked me how I felt. And I might cry, but
it's OK. But I'll never forget what I said to
her when she asked me how I felt. I just kept
looking straight ahead. I didn't even turn to
look at her. But I could tell she was looking
at me and I just shrugged my shoulders and I
said, I'm okay. That's all I said. Because I
knew she was sad for me and I always hated seeing
my mom cry. So I lied and I said that I was okay.
But I wasn't okay. My heart... and my spirit
was broken and I was angry. I was so angry and
hurt and sad. But I just killed it all in because
I knew if I didn't, then it would have torn my
family apart. And I knew it. But I wanted to
scream. I just wanted to be like, How did you
let this happen to me again? Why isn't anybody
protecting me? I felt betrayed. I felt like what
did I ever do to deserve this? But I didn't say
any of that. I just pretended to be okay. And
I compartmentalized it away like I did with all
my other trauma. And I just put it someplace
where I didn't have to deal with it. But what
I didn't realize at the time was that all that
anger and rage and resentment and disappointment
and sadness, even though I didn't express it
outwardly, it was still inside me. And those
types of negative, toxic emotions aren't meant
to stay trapped in your body like that. It's
gonna come out in some kind of way. It's going
to come out. It's going to come out as a mental
illness. It's going to come out as a disease,
drug abuse, alcoholism, anger issues, promiscuity,
isolation, thrill -seeking, sexual identity issues.
These are all things I had to deal with as a
result of my trauma and not facing it head on
and not getting therapy. For someone else, it
may be different. unhealed trauma may manifest
differently. It may be something like, you know,
a lot of people cut themselves, or they're a
compulsive liar, or they hoard, or they're tired
all the time, or you develop eating disorders
or shopping addictions, or you're just addictive
and hateful and mean, or you hate women, you
hate men, you got low self -esteem, you push
people away, all types of stuff. Everybody's
different. It's going to manifest differently.
So what is it for you? How is unhealed trauma
manifesting in your life? I want you to really
think about that, because until you come to terms
with this stuff that you've been bearing, until
you face it head on, you're never going to have
the life that you truly, truly desire and that
you deserve. You may get the big fancy house
and the cars and all of that, but what good is
it if you're going to be miserable every day
and popping pills just to feel halfway normal?
Or maybe you're so broken, you end up dating
and marrying somebody just as broken as you.
And then you end up in this toxic, lonely mess
of a relationship. Or you can just tell yourself
that you don't want to be married. You don't
even want to fool with. Because deep down, you
know how toxic and hateful you are. And that
nobody is ever going to put up with type of mess.
Not any self -respecting person anyway. You know,
I could go on and on about how this stuff manifests.
But the principle applies. to everybody. All
trauma is, it's just trapped energy, trapped
negative energy with no place to go. It needs
a constructive outlet. Mine has always been writing,
speaking, performing, and things like that. For
someone else, it might be sports or painting
or exercising, video games, whatever. But find
a healthy outlet. to channel your pain so that
these negative emotions can get out of your body.
To get out of your body and not end up causing
cancer and mental illnesses and degrading your
life to the point where everything just seems
to be falling apart around you. Don't hoard and
shop and drink and eat yourself to oblivion just
to cold. All those are self -destructive behaviors.
And that's only gonna compound your pain. Always
remember this, if you don't eventually deal with
your trauma, it will eventually deal with you.
So deal with it now, deal with it later. Okay,
I know that was a lot to take in. I'm gonna take
a quick one minute break. I know this is some
heavy stuff, but it's a necessary topic. So let's
just take a quick one minute break, maybe get
another glass of wine. And when we come back,
I'm going to pivot. I'm going to talk about some
practical steps that you can start taking today
to start your healing journey. OK? So stick around.
Live with Dr. Andre Jerry. We'll be right back.
Welcome back to Live with Dr. Andre Jarrett.
Thanks for hanging in there with me. If you came
back for segment two, I'm really proud of you
because I know mental health is not a fun topic
to discuss, but I commend you for taking your
mental health or the mental health of those you
love seriously. So yeah, that first segment was
heavy, but like I said, it was necessary. But
now I want to take everything that we unpacked
and... talk about how we move forward and how
we begin the healing process, especially when
the wounds run really deep and the trauma feels
like it's permanent. So let's get back into it.
So I've done a lot of the inner work. I've confronted
most, if not all, of my trauma head on. And I've
been intentional about uprooting a lot of the
dysfunctional patterns that kind of ran my life
for way too long. So between therapy and executive
coaching, I really have noticed a real shift.
You know, I don't get triggered like I used to.
I'm not argumentative anymore. I can sit in agreement
or disagreement, rather, with someone without
it turning into this, you know, weird battle
of the egos type thing. I used to have to have
a last word on everything. I had to be the one
in the right. You know, but now none of that
stuff is no longer important to me. What I care
about now at age 46 is peace. My peace is what
matters. So I just let people believe whatever
they want to believe. I let them feel how they
want to feel. If they're committed to misunderstanding
me, let them. If they're not ready to face reality,
that's not my assignment. You know, a lot of
folks are living in delusions and denial, but
that's okay. their journey. So I've come a long
way. And like I always say, for the most part,
I try to stay in my lane. I leave people alone,
but I'm still human. You know, everybody has
a line. So recently, someone in my family kept
pressing me to have a conversation that I wasn't
quite ready to have. And it's nothing trauma
related or anything like that. This is about
a problem that I initially agreed to fix, but
I realized that I didn't want to. I didn't want
to because it wasn't my problem to begin with.
It didn't involve me. I had no business being
in the middle of it. So over the years, I've
done some deep self -reflection. And one thing
I've come to recognize with myself is this I
kind of have this strange thing going on with
success guilt and a savior complex when it comes
to my family. To be honest, I'm still working
through that, if I'm being honest. The success
guilt doesn't stem from trauma. It's more about
what happens when you've achieved a level of
success that others around you haven't. If you
don't address it, it will cause you to self -sabotage.
and question whether you deserve what you've
worked for. It can lead down the road of people
pleasing and dimming your own likes so others
feel uncomfortable, overcompensating to sort
of ease the guilt about someone else's struggle.
I've danced with all that type of stuff. Now,
the savior complex, that's a little deeper. That's
more psychological. It's like a deep -rooted
need to rescue and fix and protect people even
if it's at your own expense and That is tied
to trauma So remember the story I shared earlier
about riding in the car with my mom after something
traumatic happened to me when I was 13 When she
asked how I felt I Said I'm okay not because
I was It was because I didn't want to see her
cry. I just wanted her to be okay. I knew she
was sad for me and I just wanted her to be okay.
And that right there, that was the beginning.
I've been playing emotional caretaker ever since
I was 13 years old. I'm 46 now. At what point
do you say enough is enough? That's why therapy
is important because it helps you to put the
pieces together and identify those emotional
contracts you signed unknowingly when you were
a child. And it helps you put a name to some
of those destructive behaviors that feel normal,
but they're actually nothing but survival mechanisms.
For me, that was success, guilt, and the savior
complex. And that's one of the last remnants
of my trauma that I'm still in the process of
purging myself from. So yeah, I changed my mind
about helping to fix something that wasn't mine
to fix. And eventually I was going to communicate
that. I was, but I was going to do it on my time.
I just retired. I just moved to Puerto Rico two
months ago. I'm still adjusting to this whole
new chapter in my life. I've got things to figure
out. Figure out private health insurance. I got
my show that, you know, it's on a weekly basis
now. I just have a whole new life. So you just
have to give me a moment to kind of settle into
it. But instead of respecting that, it just kept
pressing, kept pressing and pushing and trying
to force the conversation I wasn't ready to have.
And when you do that, eventually I push back.
So not only that, Not only did I address the
issue that they brought up, I also unpacked a
few other things that have been sitting on me.
And I'm just gonna say this for everybody, don't
try to force a conversation with someone who's
not ready to have it. Don't do that because you
might open the door to something that you're
not prepared to deal with. You might start a
dialogue that you're not yet emotionally equipped
to navigate. And that's exactly what ended up
happening. So a better approach for things like
that is if you need to have a sensitive or potentially
loaded conversation with someone, just try saying
something like, hey, is now a good time to talk
about X, Y, and Z? They either going to say yes
or no. If they say no, then just follow up with,
OK, well, when would be a better time for us
to talk? If you phrase it that way, it lets the
other person know that, okay, what this other
person has to say, it matters to them, but you
also respect the other person's boundaries. Because,
you know, real healing, real connection, real
growth is gonna start with mutual respect. You
can't force things on people. So if you've been
listening to this show for almost the past hour,
I know you're... probably feeling stirred up
and convicted on some things. And you might be
ready to start your own healing journey. So this
is the part where I really want you to kind of
lean in, because I'm going to talk about a few
things that will really help you to jumpstart
your healing journey, OK? So if you're ready
to do this, the first thing I invite you to do
is to find yourself a mental health practitioner
that you can vibe with. For me, I like for, and
some people are not gonna like this, but whatever.
For me, I like for my doctors and therapists
and coaches, I like for them to be black men,
okay? There's nothing racist about that. I'm
a black man. I feel like I will relate better
to another black man. That's all it is. I'm not
saying you have to be that way. I'm just saying
that's me, okay? But as long as it's someone
that you vibe with, all right? If you're thinking
something like, you know, therapy is expensive
and all of that, I hear you, but find one anyway.
Ask about their rates and what your insurance
might cover and what your actual out -of -pocket
cost would be, because I promise you it's not
going to be as much as you think it is. It's
probably less than a new wig or, you know, the
last pair of shoes you bought. You know, so just
check into it and find out. what the cost is
going to be to you. All right. And when you find
a counselor or therapist, just show up on a consistent
basis. You know, maybe the first session, they'll
give you some feedback on whether you want to
do this weekly or bi -weekly or once a month
or once a quarter, whatever you can afford, whatever
you're comfortable with. Just start somewhere.
A good place to begin is TalkSpace .com, which
is our sponsor for tonight's episode. So Talkspace
is gonna connect you with a licensed therapist
right from your phone, right from your laptop.
You don't have to worry about waiting rooms,
no traffic, none of that. There's gonna be real
therapy that's on your terms, okay? So just go
to Talkspace .com and really find out some more
about their services. It might be a good fit
for you, okay? Now, here's something simple that
you can do, but it's powerful. Get yourself a
small hand mirror Okay, you probably already
got one Or you can stand in front of your bathroom
mirror doesn't matter but a hand I found that
a hand mirror works a little bit better Every
day I want you to look at yourself in the mirror
looks you look at yourself in the eyes and say
three things say I love you It's not it's gonna
sound and feel weird when you do it, but just
humor me do it look in the mirror and say I love
you I'm proud of you. I forgive you. Don't worry
about how weird it feels and how weird it sounds.
It's gonna get easier every day, but if you continue
to do it on a daily basis, maybe even a few times
a day, you will notice a difference, okay? The
other thing, and I've talked about this in other
shows, I want you to start a gratitude journal.
Write down at least 10 things you're grateful
for every single day Don't matter if you do it
at night when you wake up or I'm sorry at night
when you go to bed or in the morning when you
wake up Doesn't matter as long as you do it and
make it a practice every day this practice what
it'll do is gonna rewire your brain to Notice
what's going right in your life instead of fixating
on all your problems and what's going wrong?
And if you do it long enough, you're going to
start to attract more things to be grateful for.
Trust me, it works. I've lived this. I've done
it. I still do it. Lastly, for those of you working
through unforgiveness, I know that's a tough
one. I want you to try this. Every morning when
you wake up and you say your prayers or whatever,
I want you to picture in your mind three people.
You don't have to be three, but usually, Three
people who you just can't stand. I'm talking,
you just can't stand them. I want you to visualize
their faces and silently in your mind, just send
them peace and love. I don't care if they don't
deserve it or you feel like they don't deserve
it. Just send them peace and love when you picture
their face in your mind. And I know you may not
mean it at first. It may feel fake. Do it anyway.
And repeat this daily. And then watch. I'm telling
you, watch how your energy starts to shift. You
may not reconcile with that person. You know,
you might still feel some type of way, but trust
me, you will heal from that. And sometimes I
know where that person might just reach out and
offer an apology or finally show the growth that
you never thought you'd see. But I encourage
you to try that. These are free things that don't
cost you nothing, right? That's healing. That's
freedom. Okay? There's some couple of other things
that I want to go to I might have to do another
a part two of this show, but I'm gonna go ahead
and and Close this show out, but listen to the
end of the day. I just want you to realize that
healing It's not a destination. It's a choice.
It's a journey. It's a daily journey Some days
are gonna be easy some days are gonna be hard
But the moment you decide to stop running You're
gonna create space for yourself and you're gonna
create space for the peace that you've always
been praying for and the peace that you deserve.
Okay? So really think about everything that we
talked about tonight. I wanna thank you for spending
this hour with me. I hope something I said stirred
something in you and gave you some clarity or
just simply reminded you that you're not alone.
Healing is messy, okay? Growth is uncomfortable.
But both of those things are worth it. So be
sure to join me next week for another powerful
conversation that just might change the way you
see yourself and the world around you. It's gonna
be the same place, same time, Wednesdays, 6 p
.m. Eastern, right here on the Artist First Radio
Network. Until then, everybody take care of yourself.
Don't be afraid to have the conversations that
matter. Peace and love to everybody. See you
next week.