Dr. Jerry you got the whole world Welcome to
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All right, listen, so we've got an incredible
show lined up for you today. Our topic this week
is toxic friendships, how to know when to let
go. So this topic is inspired by my own personal
experiences and some things I've had to learn
the hard way over the years. And of course, if
I'm sharing my story and can help you avoid some
of the landmines that I've stepped in, then that's
awesome. That's what this show is all about.
Speaking of things I've had to learn the horror
way, I want to be completely transparent from
the onset and tell you that I wasn't always a
good friend. My friends have definitely had to
overlook a lot of things with me growing up.
And the same with my family. I'm sure they've
had their share of experiences with me as well,
especially in my teens and twenties. And I'm
sure I cut up a little bit of my thirties too.
But what I'm trying to get across is that as
I delve into this topic of toxic friends and
toxic friendships, I'm very well aware that there
were seasons in my life where I have been the
toxic friend, okay? So I think maybe we all have
at some point of our lives, but hopefully we
evolve over time, we learn from our past experiences,
we become better, better friends, better wives,
husbands, brothers, sisters, whatever. So tonight's
show is not about villainizing one person or
the other, but it's about listening to someone
else's story and recognizing where similar patterns
may exist in your relationships. So this is going
to be a powerful deep dive conversation and we'll
be unpacking toxic friendships from a holistic
perspective. When and why it's time to let go
the psychology behind these kinds of relationships
and most importantly how to move forward with
clarity, closure, So, like I said, this topic
is personal for me because this is something
that I've struggled with over the years, holding
on to friendships and connections that no longer
serve me. And it feels kind of selfish when you
say it that way, right? This friendship no longer
serves me, so I'm cutting you off. But that's
not really where I'm coming from. You see, when
a friendship no longer serves you, It just simply
means this. It means you don't like the way it
makes you feel. It drains your energy. It challenges
your peace more than it supports your growth.
And no matter how much history you share, in
the present moment, you feel misaligned with
each other. So that's what we're going to talk
about. We're going to dig into the tough, emotional,
and sometimes awkward process of releasing friendships
that have run their course, even the ones that
used to mean everything to us. Okay, so before
we dive deep into this topic, I have five questions
that I want you to consider. Here's the first
one. Do you have a friendship with someone that
feels more draining than fulfilling? Question
number two. Do you have a friend who seems low
-key envious or dismissive of your success? Question
three, are you always the one making the effort,
the one calling, texting, showing up to events
while the other person barely reciprocates? Question
four, do you find yourself constantly having
to get over things to avoid a fallout or to keep
the peace? Things like disrespect, slights, betrayals,
things like that. Last question, has your friendship
turned into a cycle of apologies misunderstandings,
and petty arguments. Now, I can just see some
of you nodding your head right now. If you're
nodding your head or answering yes to any of
these questions, then you really tuned in on
a good day, because we're going to get into all
of that and a lot more in this episode. By the
way, I'm finally on TikTok under at Dr. Andre
Jerry. So if any of you have comments or questions
for me during this episode, please post them,
and I'll get to as many as I can. OK, so let's
get started. Just being completely honest, I'll
just say that, you know, sometimes loyalty and
familiarity and history can keep us tied to relationships
and friendships that God has been trying to free
us from for years. I know we've all heard this
before, but, you know, there are some friendships
that are for a reason. Some are for a season,
some a lifetime. We've all heard that before.
But there are some friendships that may have,
may should have ended a long time ago. So listen,
like I said earlier, I'm going to share a personal
story with you because I believe it relates perfectly
to this week's topic. So interestingly enough,
tonight's show was supposed to feature a special
guest, my childhood best friend, John. But in
true John and Andre fashion, we fell out. yet
again before the show could even air. So John
and I have been through a lot together in our
friendship. We've had ups, downs, all types of
crazy memories. And to be honest with you, I've
lost track of the number of times we've fallen
out and have reconciled. But here's the thing,
this last fallout that we had recently, it...
It made today's topic even more real for me,
more necessary. Because if I'm going through
something like this, I can imagine many others
are as well. So I'm not just talking to you in
this episode, I'm talking to myself as well.
So for context, I'm just going to share some
background about my friendship with John, okay?
So we met back when we were in seventh grade.
Actually, we started out as adversaries, which
should have been a telltale sign right there.
But I was the nerdy kid at school. I was always
the nerdy kid. I was always being teased and
bullied. And I remember always sitting at the
front of the class because, for me, it felt more
safe, right? I felt like I had a better chance
of being shielded from all the bullying if I
sat close to the teacher. Plus, I wore glasses.
I couldn't hardly see the board anyway if I sat
too far. But I'll never forget my first interaction
with John. So we were in fifth. period. The name
of the teacher was Mr. England. It was social
studies. And during this particular period, John
was always that kid who was constantly talking
junk about me like every single day. I could
just hear him in the background every day with
his friends. They'd make fun of my hair, make
fun of my clothes, my glasses, just any and everything
you could think of. And this was on a daily basis.
And so every day I just tried to ignore him.
I just tried to ignore him. I tried to just pay
attention to the teacher, pay attention to the
lesson, and act like I didn't hear it. Well,
one day I got tired of this shit, and I got up,
walked over to John. I said, I'm tired of you
always talking about me. And he stood up, and
he was like, well, what you want to do, Urkel?
You know? And by this time, the class was just
like, ooh, you know how it is when a fight's
about to pop off. Mr. England wasn't having any
of this. He was like, hey, hey, hey, you two
are not tearing up my classroom. Andre, John,
out in the hallway now. So he takes both of us
out in the hallway. You can kind of see the other
students peering through that little glass window
in the door. And Mr. England was like, so you
two want to fight, right? Go right ahead, fight.
And so we both just sort of like stared at each
other for a moment. And John was like, Hit me
first. Now like you hit me first. No, you hit
me first. And then after a while, Mr. Engler
was like, you two ain't gonna do nothing. Go
back to your seats and be quiet. And so I don't
know, but some kind of way, don't ask me how,
after that, we just end up becoming best friends
after that. And from that point, we were really
like thick as thieves. For the remainder of seventh
grade and all through the next year, eighth grade,
we had junior high on lock. We were like a terrible
twosome. We wreaked havoc all over that school.
In fact, we have become so notoriously linked
that in eighth grade, the student counselor,
she changed our class schedule. And I think she
did it mid -year, because I think at the beginning
of the year, we had the same classes. But mid
-year, they changed all of our classes so that
we had no classes together whatsoever, not even
PE. And on top of that, The counselor met with
both of our moms and she gave a very strong recommendation
that we should not attend the same high school.
We were both supposed to go to Columbus High
School. And do you know our mom actually listened
to that myth and put us in two different high
schools? John went to Columbus. I ended up going
to Shaw High School, but that didn't stop the
John and Andre show. We were still close. We
were still a dynamic duo all the way through
high school. After graduation, John joined the
Army. I joined the Air Force. We still kept in
touch. We wrote letters to each other while we
were in basic training and we talked on the phone
occasionally. And you know, do what best friends
do reminisce about when we were teenagers and
you know, whenever we were both back home, we
hang out with our other friends and it'd be just
like old times. But somewhere along the line
in our adulthood, something sort of shifted.
As we got older, I started to notice we clashed
more. I mean the connection was still there but
something was off and at the time I didn't know
exactly what it was but it gave like I would
say frenemy vibes. It gave like a lingering resentment
type vibe and I don't know deep down it just
felt like he wanted to kind of see me fail or
fall or be humbled in some way. And really, no
one wants to say that about, you know, or feel
that way about their best friend, someone they've
known since junior high school. But I know what
I felt and what I still feel to this day. And
there was something valid there. Now, I told
you, John, and I had numerous fallouts over the
decades. I'd say most of those were minor, like
squabbles, you know, that best friends go through,
growing pains, whatever you want to call them.
But... I remember the first time I felt really
disappointed and hurt by John. It was when I
came out to him. I remember I was 19. By then,
I already knew I was gay. And I made the decision
that I was gonna tell my family and my closest
friends and just let the children fall where
they fall. Because what I was not gonna do was
have people in my life, I don't care if they
were family, friends or what, I was not gonna
have people in my life who did not truly accept
me for who I was. So that has always been my
stance on that topic, even today. So anyway,
with with John being my best friend, I told him
first. And, you know, thankfully he was cool
with it. He didn't treat me any differently.
But what bothered me, though, is that I remember
telling him to keep it a secret until I, you
know, had a chance to tell everybody my family,
my other close friends. Let me just say that
this is when i learned my best friend's biggest
weakness he cannot keep a secret he gossips more
than any woman i ever met so by the time i went
to tell my other close friends that you know
i had something i needed to tell them they were
all like oh i already know you're gay john told
me i don't care you know it is funny now but
back then i was pissed because my whole thing
was Well, what's the sense of having a best friend?
They can't keep your secret. You know, like in
my teenage mind back then, that was the main
perk of being best friends with someone. You
know, you had a confidant, a built -in confidant
and support system, someone you could share private
things with, you know, even things that your
parents and your siblings didn't know. And so
you would think I would have learned my lesson
after all of that, but... I continue to like
force this expectation on him. This fallacy that
best friends keep your secrets. You know if I
tell him a secret and then another secret and
another and each and every time I'd be disappointed.
And. I'm sure that was the cause of the majority
of our fallouts back then until I finally learned
to adapt. It took me a while to just get it and
understand that keeping secrets is not John's
strong suit. And to continue to share private
and sensitive matters with him and continue to
expect him to keep my confidence, that was an
error on my part. Because he's already demonstrated
that he's not willing or capable of keeping a
secret. After years and years, I finally adapted,
and I just stopped telling them shit. You know,
once I did that, things were less bumpy with
us. Still bumpy, but, you know, less so. And
even today, he's still, you know, sort of messy
like that. Not too long before we fell out this
last time, he casually spilled some tea about
a mutual acquaintance that we had. I'm not gonna
name their name because they're probably listening,
but... it was some private and personal stuff,
stuff that I'm sure that was shared in confidence
and stuff that the other person wouldn't want
others to know. And I know if he's told it to
me, he's told it to others. You know, he just
has a problem. I'm getting off track. I'm getting
off track. So anyway, going back to me coming
out to my friends and family, the great thing
was this, okay? No one cared that I was gay.
So that was a relief. The not -so -great thing
was my best friend betrayed my confidence and
At that time that was a big deal to me because
it wasn't his secret to tell you know, but If
you put everything in perspective, we were 19
and 20 years old at times So, you know, I I didn't
really understand back then that it was a character
flaw I just kind of wrote it off as a one -off
loose lips kind of thing but Somehow we were
able to, you know, get past that move on. You
know, I was just so glad that all my friends
and family accepted me and didn't reject me because
I know for a lot of people that's not their experience.
And, you know, I could have handled it. I know
me. I could have handled it, but it would have
really stuck. So I was lucky in that regard.
But yeah, if if I'm being honest, that was the
first layer of resentment that I had towards
John. I say it was a relatively small wound that
just never really healed properly. There was
another critical moment in my life when I really,
really, really needed my best friend's support.
It was back when I was 25, 26 years old. I was
wrongfully accused of a crime, and I was fighting
like hell to get my name cleared. When my attorney
was preparing my defense, he asked me for a list
of names of people who could provide a character
witness for me. Essentially, these people have
to agree to testify in court on a specific date,
right? Of course, the first name I gave him was
my best friend John, who's known me forever,
right? It was a no -brainer. Well, of all the
names I gave my attorney, I'll let you guess
which one declined to provide a character witness
for me. You guessed it. My best friend John.
Oh, and his reason for declining. He had to work.
When my attorney told me that I was flabbergasted.
It was crazy that we weren't even in a fallout
during that time. I mean, and don't get me wrong,
that still would have been effed up, but at least
I could halfway have understood that. But to
hear that your best friend was wrongfully accused
of a crime, you know he's fighting to clear his
name, and you mean to tell me you couldn't even
take one day off, not even a full day. We're
talking about a few hours to come to court. You
couldn't do that to provide a character witness
for someone you've known at that point for over
a decade. Are you kidding me? I was livid. Thankfully,
everything worked out. Everything worked out
for the best. I was able to clear my name without
John's help. But that hurt. Even when I talk
about it now, it kind of stings a little bit.
And I don't think I talked to John for almost
a year, maybe two years behind that. Years later,
we finally addressed it. But by that time, the
damage had already been done. Plus, He never
really apologized or he didn't take accountability
for it. So again, that was another deep wound
that just never fully healed. And even when we
did finally reconcile, our dynamic was never
really the same. It just wasn't because that
incident never left my mind. And I never trusted
him after that. Because I felt like Wow, this
is someone that I can't really depend on or rely
on like this is someone who just Does not have
my back at the end of the day. That's the mindset
that I developed from that You know and that
that's a hard pill to swallow especially with
someone that you've been best friends with since
you were 13 and I didn't realize it at the time,
but there was a really deep resentment towards
John building up from that letdown, that festered
years for years. And the thing about it is I
didn't even really notice it. I didn't even notice
it. We still laughed and joked and hung out occasionally,
but beneath all of that, resentment was growing.
like a cancer year after year. The longest fallout
that John and I had was about five years long.
We were probably about 35, somewhere around 35,
36 years old. And I remember during that era,
I had been in a long -term relationship for about
seven or eight years, maybe longer. John was
caught up in the perpetual dating cycle of Atlanta.
still is to this day. I know that comes across
shady, but it's the truth. And there's a reason
why I mentioned that. You know, if you're sharp,
you'll catch it. But anyway, back to the story
about the five year fallout. OK, so somehow.
He had gotten involved with this. Obviously mentally
ill con artist woman. And she tricked him into
thinking that. She was pregnant by him. The entire
thing reeked of, like, scam, red flags, just
the whole nine yards. It was very much giving
Maury Povich back then, you know? I could see
straight through this woman, John's other friends
could see through her. We all tried to tell him,
look, man, you're being played. We told him over
and over, it fell on deaf ears. I don't know
what was going on with him at that time. I don't
know what was going on with him, but it was like
he was hell bent on buying into this fantasy
that he was about to be a father. And eventually,
I'm not sure how it all came about, because I
try to keep a certain distance from it, because
the whole thing was just so stupid to me. But
somehow, John found out that the ultrasound the
girl showed him was fake. And if I remember correctly,
I think she got it off of Google Images or something.
It was just scandalous. And so anyway, so John
came to me, he broke the news that, you know,
it was a fake ultrasound. She's not really pregnant
or what have you. He was all devastated or whatever.
I think he may even cried a little bit. He was
really truly devastated and really bought into
this charade. But by this point, I was just kind
of... I was just so done and disgusted by him
and just the whole thing because it was such
an obvious stunt. And in retrospect, I can see
he probably was looking for me to be empathetic
in that moment. I just didn't have it in me.
I did not have it in me. Anyone who knows me
knows that my tolerance for BS is extremely low.
But I remember it very well in that moment when
he was telling me, it just seemed like all of
my frustration and resentment that had been building
up over the years just came all rushing to the
surface. And I just went off. I was like, look,
this is some 20 something foolishness. You are
too old. to be falling for some bs like this
in a stupid relationship like this this is why
i can't stand being around you all you talk about
is ignorant bs we told you this girl was scamming
you you wouldn't listen we begged you to leave
her alone now all the shit hits the fan and we're
all supposed to rally around you and give you
sympathy when you're just being stupid i just
went off i called him all types of morons idiots
stupid dumb not on my level why do i even waste
time with this sham of a friendship I mean, I
just let it rip, and I cut him out for old and
new. And, you know, it wasn't even about the
girl at that point anymore. It was just about
everything. Everything came out. All the back
and forth, the disappointment, all the unkept
secrets, not being there when I really needed
him the most. Just everything came out. And when
I finished unloading on him, we didn't speak
for five years after that. Five years. It was
the longest we had ever gone without communication
and that five years of silence It wasn't planned.
It wasn't declared nothing like that. It just
kind of happened organically And I don't think
both of us needed that time. I Really do because
we were two people who had grown in different
directions and we were both clinging to a friendship
that Had stopped serving either one of us long
time ago And it wasn't until a mutual friend,
ironically his name is also John, but he stepped
in and sort of orchestrated a reconciliation.
And we found our way back to speaking terms after
five years had passed. And surprisingly, we picked
right up where we left off. We still had that
banter. We still had the jokes, the movie quotes,
the memories. It all just came rushing back like
no time had passed. You know, that's how it is
with best friends. I know a lot of you can relate
with that. But there was still a problem. By
this time we were in our 40s, our early 40s by
then. We were more mature. We have evolved a
lot more. We were more experienced. But I noticed
our conversations hadn't really grown with us.
You know, it felt like we were still stuck in
a time capsule and we were just reliving the
past instead of using that reconciliation as
an opportunity to build something new, build
a more mature version of our friendship. But
instead of all that, we never talked about our
lives in any meaningful way. We never talked
about business ventures or spiritual growth.
We never talked about relationships. We had been
in a number of relationships by that point and
could have swapped stories and ways we grew from
those relationships, personal transformation,
all types of stuff we could have talked about.
But it was all nostalgia all the time. That's
all we did. And for me, it just wasn't enough
anymore because we were in our 40s. We were both
educated, both accomplished. We were both doing
well in our respective careers and lives. We
were really leading the pack in terms of all
the friends that we grew up with. So there was
just a lot we could have shared. A lot of value
we could have exchanged that would have propelled
us both forward. But just none of that was happening.
Like I said, it's like we were stuck. We were
stuck in this type of friendship that only knew
how to exist in a rear view mirror and so even
with all that kept, you know, trucking along
and over time I noticed that those same old feelings
of frustration, resentment, they started to creep
back up to the surface and it just seemed like
every time we connected I started to feel like
I was like shrinking myself to fit in this outdated
version that you kept trying to hold me hostage
to and that's when I knew I was like this this
friendship isn't evolving and neither was I as
long as I stayed in it and I know a lot of you
can relate and have a similar situation with
your friend particularly if you grew up together
you know I feel like this I think um I think
childhood friendships and childhood best friends
I think they're great during their prime you
know but In my opinion, those are some of the
most difficult friendships to sustain into adulthood.
And here's why I say that. Those friendships
were formed during a time in your life when your
identity as a person was still developing. You
know, you were bonding over shared experiences,
common environments. Maybe you went to the same
school or lived in the same neighborhood. Maybe
you went to the same church. you're kind of navigating
the world together for the first time, but time
goes on, you get older, life starts pulling you
in different directions, different directions
geographically, just different directions, and
it just starts to be a divide there. And so it
just becomes really interesting how that works.
And before you know it, you just get to a point
to where you're just not... seeing eye -to -eye
is you're sort of misaligned and and that's what
happened in our friendship and you know, but
a lot of these childhood friendships they seem
to be rooted in who you were you know and not
necessarily who you've become and I think what
happens is that friend whoever your friend is
from your childhood they still see you through
the lens of the past and not the grown version
of yourself that has learned and healed and grown
up, leveled up. It's like they still remember
who you used to be but they have a struggle trying
to embrace who you are now. And that sort of
thing can lead to subtle tension and unspoken
expectations and just, like I said before, a
misalignment. But if you're able to hold on to
friendships like that and have them grow with
you, And have friendships that adapt and mature
and honors your evolution as a human being then
that's when you found something rare and You
really are blessed if you have one of those types
of friendships you know, and it's not to say
that you're not going to have your share of challenges
or issues because every relationship is going
to require effort and patience and forgiveness,
but What I'd invite you to pay particular attention
to our patterns especially if you notice a theme
of recurring fallout, emotional disconnects,
or energy that feels draining or just off. Because
sometimes what we call a friendship is really
just a habit or an emotional obligation, right?
And we don't realize it until we start losing
our peace. It starts costing us our peace. We're
going to pause here for a quick commercial break,
but when we come back, I'm going to walk you
through the most recent and final fallout that
I had with my best friend. I'll share what pushed
me to finally draw the line, how I processed
it, and what I've learned about letting go of
people who no longer align with your future.
So I'm going to leave you with some key takeaways
I hope will help you navigate your own friendships
with more clarity, discernment, and peace, so
that you can make the necessary adjustments.
that you need to make to protect your energy
and honor your growth. Alright, so you don't
want to miss this. Stay tuned. We'll be right
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the future today. You're back live with Dr. Andre
Jerry. Alright, welcome back to live with Dr.
Andre Jerry. Hey, if you're just tuning in, we
spent the first half of the show unpacking the
complexities of childhood friendships. How they're
formed, how they evolve over time, or sometimes
don't evolve. And the signs that a connection
may have outlived its season. So to bring this
topic to life, I'm sharing a deeply personal
story about my own best friend. The struggles
we faced, the unresolved tension, and how years
of silent resentment ultimately brought our friendship
to a close. Now, in the second half of the show,
we're going to continue down the road of this
personal story and walk through the final. And
I do mean final. fallout that ultimately led
me to close the chapter on this friendship. So
let's get back into it. Okay, so this most recent
fallout with John wasn't about one particular
thing. At first appearance it would have seemed
that way, but it really was the culmination of
everything I mentioned earlier. The unresolved
tension, the emotional distance, and the subtle
resentment. But what ultimately pushed things
over the edge for me was a pattern It was a pattern
that had become too obvious for me to continue
to ignore and that was his half -hearted approach
to friendship and his consistent lack of support
So I mentioned at the start of the show that
originally John was supposed to be my guest for
this show But we fell out before the show could
air Really, it wasn't so much a fallout as it
was, I just decided that it'd be best to cancel
his appearance. And I'm gonna tell you why I
did that. I'm gonna tell you exactly why. So
John has known about my radio show since it first
aired in 2022. But it's not really something
that I mentioned a whole lot in our conversations
because he never really showed any genuine interest
in it. You know like he would never ask like
hey, how's the show going or? Hey, I caught your
last episode. It was pretty good or I'm gonna
post your upcoming episode on my social media
You know nothing like that. No type of support.
No feedback nothing In the early days of the
show I think I may have sent him a link to a
couple of shows And he would always make it a
point to be busy or You know, have some excuse
as to why he wouldn't be able to catch the show.
That type of vibe. So I was like, okay. I kind
of took note of that very early on and I adjusted
accordingly. You know, I didn't really mention
the show to him much at all after that. Because
I knew deep down that I was dealing with a hater.
But I overlooked it. I did. Just on account of
our history together, you know, loyalty, we just...
You know, we're coming off of a five -year reconciliation,
and I just didn't want to come across petty,
you know? I just wanted to keep the peace. But
even with all of that, I still extended an invitation
to him to be on this particular episode, which
originally I titled the show, What About Your
Friends? How to Know When to Let Go. Because
I give it... I felt that having him on the show
would be... I don't know, I felt like it would
give more texture to the show since the topic
was going to be about friendships. And the idea
was to explore the dynamics of long -term friendships,
right? We were going to talk about decades -long
friendship, the highs, the lows, how our friendship
has evolved over time. It wouldn't have never
worked anyway. It wouldn't have worked because
our friendship hadn't evolved. That was the problem.
So it just never would have worked. And that
was a bad idea on my part. And I take responsibility
for that. But initially, he accepted the invitation.
And you know, we were both looking forward to
it. Meanwhile, my April episode was just like
a few days away. So I thought to myself, why
not send him a quick email reminder to tune in
to that show? Right? Normally, I wouldn't have
even bothered. You know, I wouldn't have bothered
because, you know, he's never shown. much interest
or initiative in supporting the show anyway so
but you know I try to give people room to grow
or whatever so and since he was scheduled to
appear on the the very next episode I just figured
it was no harm in it you know maybe this time
he'd actually tune in and and to be clear this
is not like I'm hurting for listeners or anything
the show has an international audience this is
what's more about extending a gesture of inclusion
to him, and just grounding the topic with a personal
story, and someone tied to, you know, my past.
And so, against my better judgment, I went ahead
and sent him the email reminder for the April
show, but this is what pissed me off. I sent
him the email, it was against my better judgment,
so that was a bit of a sign. But what pissed
me off, he didn't even have the decency to respond.
He didn't even acknowledge the email. You know,
most friends would have said something like,
hey, I got your email. Thanks, I'll be sure to
tune in. Even if they don't tune in, it's just
like, it's just that you took a moment to say,
hey, I'm acknowledging that you sent me something.
I got it, whatever. You know, or sent a thumbs
up or something. He didn't even acknowledge it.
It was like I never sent it. And I know a lot
of you may be thinking like, well, I don't understand.
What's the big deal? It's not about the email
so much for me. The big deal is that this type
of slight from John hits a nerve with me. Because
for someone who is so quick to call me his best
friend and all of this, he won't even lift a
finger to hit a like button for something that
I'm passionate about. and he had a track record
of being unsupportive. That's what the big deal
is for me. Now any other time I email John or
text him like a movie meme or joke or something
trivial, he'll respond right away. We're talking
like less than five minutes. But something meaningful
or important to me, crickets. And so that was
really the last straw for me. And when I say
with the last straw, I'm more so talking about
me being fed up with myself. Because here I was
going out of my way to be inclusive and invite
him on a platform that he never helped build,
never promoted, supported, liked, inquired about
nothing. So I was more frustrated with myself
than I was with John at this point. Because John
was just doing John. He'd been doing this for
decades. Being half -hearted, half -assed, unsupportive.
I was the one who failed to draw a line in the
sand with that behavior. I'm the one who kept
running back to a friendship that I knew had
toxic elements. So why would I be mad at John
when I'm the one who ignored my intuition about
this friendship for all these years? So the conclusion
I came to was better late than never. Better
late than never. This is a friendship that has
long run its course. For whatever reason and
I hate it. I hate it this way But John and I
just don't mesh well together as adults. We just
don't I Wish we did but you know, we were great
as childhood best friends But unfortunately that
was just never able to transition into anything
sustainable And into a healthy friendship in
our adulthood Does that make either one of us
terrible people? No, absolutely not. It just
means We had our time. We had our season. And
now we both need to move on. So after I had a
chance to think about this, I sent him an email.
I don't know if I have time to read it, but I'll
read you what I sent. This was on April 26th.
I said, I decided to cancel your appearance on
May 7th. Why should you be invited as a guest
on a show that you never once supported? Every
time I've mentioned the show to you or sent you
a link, you've never supported once. This last
email I sent you about it, you didn't even respond.
But had I sent you an email talking about nonsense
or a movie quote, I would have probably gotten
a response from you right away. That's that side
of you that has always bothered me. It's like
you're half hater, half friend. Hashtag Gemini.
I just don't have the stomach for friendships
like this. Either be all in or all out. Tired
of this awkward dance between us. Let's just
love each other from afar and enjoy life and
the memories we had when we were younger. And
John sent a response. He sent one later on that
day. I'll quickly read his. He says, Andre, I'm
sorry to hear you feel that way. I value our
friendship and I'm disappointed that you feel
that way. I even mentioned weeks ago that I subscribed
to your podcast on YouTube. I hate when people
call it a podcast. It's a radio show, but nonetheless.
We didn't talk for about one and a half years
after completing your schooling due to our disagreement.
I was listening to it prior and mentioned it
even when you were on as a guest for another
person when you first got into podcasting. So
please don't tell me I've never supported you.
With the way we have been the last several years,
it's almost we have to start over from scratch
each time we have a falling out. In most cases,
it takes months to a year for that to even happen.
If you really want to say that I'm a Hater, half
-friend, think about this long at heart. Who
has always been in your corner? Even when you
have done things I didn't agree with, me, John
Murray. Even when you sent that letter to Roro
that could have destroyed my family but I forgave
you. Even when you told me you were gay, I still
supported you with all my heart, regardless of
what anyone said. Look at all the friendships
you've had in the past. Who has stuck around
for you all through the drama? In my past, I've
had to turn the other cheek many times from things,
but I was like, this is my little brother. So
if you feel that way, it's because you've felt
that way for a long time. I don't want you to
feel like you have to have a stomach for friendships
like this. Sometimes you have to tell people
how you feel versus not saying anything so understanding
can be reached. Be well, John. Okay, that's fine.
So what I get from this exchange is that we both
got love for each other. We have a lot of history
together, but we have very different emotional
needs and expectations where friendships are
concerned. Both of us have valid feelings, but
it seems like we're operating from two completely
different emotional frameworks. For me, I've
reached a place in my life where reciprocity
matters. I value friendships that are balanced
or that feel balanced. and we have a mutual support.
We have a genuine enthusiasm for each other's
growth. And that emotional investment that doesn't
leave me questioning where I stand with you.
I want people around me that show up 100%, not
half -hearted, not halfway, not half -ass, not
when it's convenient, not out of guilt, not out
of habit, just consistent with clarity and with
intention. Well, I think about John's email.
I read it. I understand he's operating from his
own emotional framework. I guess he feels like
loyalty, his loyalty over time, all the time
that we have in our friendship should count for
something. From his perspective, he's been there
for me through major life moments and through
my coming out and the past conflicts we've had
and all of that. And to him, He I guess he feels
like that long -standing loyalty should grant
him like a permanent grace Like a like a lifelong
pass, you know, even if his current actions aren't
in line with what I need In his mind it feels
like I'm being supportive, you know I guess support
for him doesn't look like a constant engagement
and Outward celebration all the things I like
Being there quietly should be enough. And, you
know, honestly, I get that. I really do. I don't
think he's being malicious or intentionally dismissive.
I just think we've grown into two different people
with just two different definitions of what friendship
looks like. And that's really the heart of it.
So it's not about malice. It's just about misalignment.
We just don't define support the same way, you
know? A lot of times, growth is going to mean
that relationships are going to outgrow their
original shape and their original form. And sometimes,
no matter how much history you have or how much
you try to contort yourself into a friendship
that isn't working, sometimes evolution is just
going to lead you down different paths. So that
can be painful. It doesn't feel good, but it's
also freeing, you know, because, you know, as
I move on, I'm going to honor what we had, but
I'm also honoring the fact that I need to move
forward. So I'm sort of using this moment, this
story as a mirror, not just for me, but hopefully
for you too, because maybe you have a John in
your life too, you know. Don't know we we have
our decades of history. We laugh and cried all
of that supporting you support each other so
the love was real, but Like I said what I've
come to realize is that history alone. Just isn't
gonna be enough to sustain any type of meaningful
friendship you know our emotional needs are just
too different and Expectations just aren't lining
up so neither one of us are wrong really to be
real about it. We just defined friendship differently
now than we did when we were younger. And that's
what I want you to take away from today's show,
really. If people will show up in your life based
on their idea of what love is, what loyalty is,
what friendship is. But the real question is,
does that match your needs today? Sometimes we
don't realize how different our The definition
of support is from other people. And if you're
not careful, you're going to keep making excuses
for people's behavior based on who they used
to be and the standing that they used to have
in your life. For me, this final straw wasn't
like a one big betrayal. It just was the weight
of a lot of small moments and missed opportunities
for him to show up and support or just simply
respond. You know, too many times I felt unseen
and undervalued and just sort of dismissed. And
I'm not really into, at this point in my life,
lowering the bar to accommodate someone who just
doesn't have the capacity of meeting me where
I am today. So here are the teaching moments
here. And I really want you to take note of this.
Just because someone's been in your life forever,
It doesn't necessarily mean that they fit into
your future. And just because someone loves you,
don't mean they know how to love you, how to
support you. And just because you've forgiven
the past, you don't have to ignore what's happening
right now in the present. Okay? So this is not
about bitterness. It's about, you know, establishing
boundaries. It's about recognizing when a relationship
has sort of shifted. and has run its course.
And it's gone from being something enjoyable
to something draining. And it's about acknowledging
when the friendship has become more one -sided
than anything else. And it's not reflecting the
growth that you worked really hard to achieve
in your life. So as we close out today's show,
I'm going to invite you to take inventory of
your friendships. Because I know I'm not the
only one going through something like this. We
all have various... ways that we are experiencing
the same thing. So I just want you to ask yourself
this as we close out. Am I holding onto friendships
out of guilt or obligation? Do I feel celebrated
by this person, by this friend, or do I just
feel tolerated? Am I showing up fully in this
friendship, this relationship, while they continue
to show up halfway? Think about that. And if
the answer to those questions leaves you feeling
in any way unsettled, it may be time to reevaluate
some things. And I'm here to tell you that's
perfectly fine. It's okay. It doesn't mean you
hate them. It doesn't mean that you're being
petty or spiteful. None of that. It just means
you're choosing alignment and peace and self
-respect. And sometimes that means loving people
from a distance. And that's where I landed things
with John. I don't have any malice towards him.
I'm not angry at him. I'm not trying to erase
the memories and the good times we shared. None
of that. But I've learned that peace sometimes
requires distance. And closure is an inside job.
I mentioned that on a show long ago. You know,
the other person is not always going to agree
or understand your decision. But sometimes closure
is just you choosing yourself. and standing in
that decision. So I want you to leave with something
that took me a lot of years to learn. You are
not obligated to keep people in your life just
because they've been there for a long time. Longevity
doesn't equal loyalty. And love, when it's real
love, it's never going to make you question your
worth, your value, or your voice. Okay? So let
this be your confirmation to evaluate your circle.
And if something or someone feels off, then trust
that feeling. Because you deserve to be surrounded
by people who see you, who support you, who celebrate
you, not people who want to keep you tethered
to who you used to be. So if you've got to let
some people go, let them go. Let them go in peace.
Let them go with love and with maturity. But
nonetheless, let them go if they're holding you
hostage. All right, we're at the end of our show
for today. I really want to thank you guys for
spending the hour with me and listening to this
personal story that I hope you were able to take
something away from. If you were, please share
this episode once it's archived and send it to
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Radio Network. Until next time, you guys stay
grounded, stay grateful, stay growing. I'm Dr.
Andre Jerry. This is Live with Dr. Andre Jerry,
and I'll catch you next Wednesday, May 14th,
at 6 p .m. Eastern. All right, good night, everybody.