WEBVTT 00:00:00.300 --> 00:00:25.870 Dr. Jerry you got the whole world Welcome to 00:00:25.870 --> 00:00:28.730 Live with Dr. Andre Jerry, your prime time destination 00:00:28.730 --> 00:00:31.789 for bold conversations, unfiltered truth, and 00:00:31.789 --> 00:00:34.310 real life inspiration. I'm your host, Dr. Andre 00:00:34.310 --> 00:00:37.109 Jerry, broadcasting live from the beautiful shores 00:00:37.109 --> 00:00:40.689 of San Juan, Puerto Rico. Tonight's show is sponsored 00:00:40.689 --> 00:00:43.710 by Amazon Autos. Yeah, believe it or not, Amazon 00:00:43.710 --> 00:00:46.409 is officially in the car game. You can now shop 00:00:46.409 --> 00:00:49.070 for your next ride online, compare options from 00:00:49.070 --> 00:00:51.549 trusted dealers, and handle the whole process 00:00:51.549 --> 00:00:53.850 from the comfort of your home. Is car buying 00:00:53.850 --> 00:00:56.979 made simple? convenient and stress -free the 00:00:56.979 --> 00:00:59.259 way it should be. Hey, I want to take a quick 00:00:59.259 --> 00:01:02.140 moment to personally thank you and everyone for 00:01:02.140 --> 00:01:04.599 tuning in to our very first weekly episode of 00:01:04.599 --> 00:01:07.079 Live with Dr. Andre Jerry. I'm super excited 00:01:07.079 --> 00:01:09.260 to be bringing you fresh new content and meaningful 00:01:09.260 --> 00:01:11.959 conversations every single week that's going 00:01:11.959 --> 00:01:14.620 to help you unlock your best life. That happens 00:01:14.620 --> 00:01:17.060 to be the title of my latest book which is available 00:01:17.060 --> 00:01:20.379 for digital download on Kindle and on Amazon. 00:01:20.939 --> 00:01:23.439 All right, listen, so we've got an incredible 00:01:23.439 --> 00:01:25.760 show lined up for you today. Our topic this week 00:01:25.760 --> 00:01:30.439 is toxic friendships, how to know when to let 00:01:30.439 --> 00:01:35.780 go. So this topic is inspired by my own personal 00:01:35.780 --> 00:01:39.260 experiences and some things I've had to learn 00:01:39.260 --> 00:01:43.379 the hard way over the years. And of course, if 00:01:43.379 --> 00:01:45.920 I'm sharing my story and can help you avoid some 00:01:45.920 --> 00:01:49.090 of the landmines that I've stepped in, then that's 00:01:49.090 --> 00:01:51.370 awesome. That's what this show is all about. 00:01:52.170 --> 00:01:54.109 Speaking of things I've had to learn the horror 00:01:54.109 --> 00:01:57.010 way, I want to be completely transparent from 00:01:57.010 --> 00:02:00.010 the onset and tell you that I wasn't always a 00:02:00.010 --> 00:02:03.969 good friend. My friends have definitely had to 00:02:03.969 --> 00:02:07.209 overlook a lot of things with me growing up. 00:02:07.450 --> 00:02:09.389 And the same with my family. I'm sure they've 00:02:09.389 --> 00:02:12.210 had their share of experiences with me as well, 00:02:12.629 --> 00:02:14.909 especially in my teens and twenties. And I'm 00:02:14.909 --> 00:02:16.669 sure I cut up a little bit of my thirties too. 00:02:16.889 --> 00:02:20.270 But what I'm trying to get across is that as 00:02:20.270 --> 00:02:22.509 I delve into this topic of toxic friends and 00:02:22.509 --> 00:02:25.469 toxic friendships, I'm very well aware that there 00:02:25.469 --> 00:02:28.449 were seasons in my life where I have been the 00:02:28.449 --> 00:02:31.610 toxic friend, okay? So I think maybe we all have 00:02:31.610 --> 00:02:35.050 at some point of our lives, but hopefully we 00:02:35.050 --> 00:02:37.889 evolve over time, we learn from our past experiences, 00:02:38.289 --> 00:02:41.389 we become better, better friends, better wives, 00:02:41.650 --> 00:02:44.990 husbands, brothers, sisters, whatever. So tonight's 00:02:44.990 --> 00:02:48.169 show is not about villainizing one person or 00:02:48.169 --> 00:02:50.689 the other, but it's about listening to someone 00:02:50.689 --> 00:02:54.689 else's story and recognizing where similar patterns 00:02:54.689 --> 00:02:57.750 may exist in your relationships. So this is going 00:02:57.750 --> 00:03:00.669 to be a powerful deep dive conversation and we'll 00:03:00.669 --> 00:03:04.289 be unpacking toxic friendships from a holistic 00:03:04.289 --> 00:03:08.030 perspective. When and why it's time to let go 00:03:08.030 --> 00:03:11.349 the psychology behind these kinds of relationships 00:03:11.349 --> 00:03:14.689 and most importantly how to move forward with 00:03:14.689 --> 00:03:20.039 clarity, closure, So, like I said, this topic 00:03:20.039 --> 00:03:21.780 is personal for me because this is something 00:03:21.780 --> 00:03:25.719 that I've struggled with over the years, holding 00:03:25.719 --> 00:03:29.099 on to friendships and connections that no longer 00:03:29.099 --> 00:03:33.099 serve me. And it feels kind of selfish when you 00:03:33.099 --> 00:03:36.039 say it that way, right? This friendship no longer 00:03:36.039 --> 00:03:40.099 serves me, so I'm cutting you off. But that's 00:03:40.099 --> 00:03:42.060 not really where I'm coming from. You see, when 00:03:42.060 --> 00:03:45.379 a friendship no longer serves you, It just simply 00:03:45.379 --> 00:03:48.460 means this. It means you don't like the way it 00:03:48.460 --> 00:03:54.740 makes you feel. It drains your energy. It challenges 00:03:54.740 --> 00:03:58.099 your peace more than it supports your growth. 00:03:58.740 --> 00:04:01.259 And no matter how much history you share, in 00:04:01.259 --> 00:04:05.159 the present moment, you feel misaligned with 00:04:05.159 --> 00:04:07.479 each other. So that's what we're going to talk 00:04:07.479 --> 00:04:09.819 about. We're going to dig into the tough, emotional, 00:04:09.900 --> 00:04:12.800 and sometimes awkward process of releasing friendships 00:04:12.800 --> 00:04:15.819 that have run their course, even the ones that 00:04:15.819 --> 00:04:20.220 used to mean everything to us. Okay, so before 00:04:20.220 --> 00:04:23.259 we dive deep into this topic, I have five questions 00:04:23.259 --> 00:04:25.959 that I want you to consider. Here's the first 00:04:25.959 --> 00:04:29.300 one. Do you have a friendship with someone that 00:04:29.300 --> 00:04:34.040 feels more draining than fulfilling? Question 00:04:34.040 --> 00:04:37.860 number two. Do you have a friend who seems low 00:04:37.860 --> 00:04:43.240 -key envious or dismissive of your success? Question 00:04:43.240 --> 00:04:47.019 three, are you always the one making the effort, 00:04:47.259 --> 00:04:49.899 the one calling, texting, showing up to events 00:04:49.899 --> 00:04:54.579 while the other person barely reciprocates? Question 00:04:54.579 --> 00:04:57.420 four, do you find yourself constantly having 00:04:57.420 --> 00:05:00.839 to get over things to avoid a fallout or to keep 00:05:00.839 --> 00:05:04.920 the peace? Things like disrespect, slights, betrayals, 00:05:04.920 --> 00:05:09.800 things like that. Last question, has your friendship 00:05:09.800 --> 00:05:13.850 turned into a cycle of apologies misunderstandings, 00:05:14.170 --> 00:05:17.310 and petty arguments. Now, I can just see some 00:05:17.310 --> 00:05:18.750 of you nodding your head right now. If you're 00:05:18.750 --> 00:05:21.329 nodding your head or answering yes to any of 00:05:21.329 --> 00:05:23.689 these questions, then you really tuned in on 00:05:23.689 --> 00:05:25.129 a good day, because we're going to get into all 00:05:25.129 --> 00:05:28.910 of that and a lot more in this episode. By the 00:05:28.910 --> 00:05:32.029 way, I'm finally on TikTok under at Dr. Andre 00:05:32.029 --> 00:05:34.810 Jerry. So if any of you have comments or questions 00:05:34.810 --> 00:05:37.189 for me during this episode, please post them, 00:05:37.189 --> 00:05:40.110 and I'll get to as many as I can. OK, so let's 00:05:40.110 --> 00:05:42.689 get started. Just being completely honest, I'll 00:05:42.689 --> 00:05:46.910 just say that, you know, sometimes loyalty and 00:05:46.910 --> 00:05:52.389 familiarity and history can keep us tied to relationships 00:05:52.389 --> 00:05:54.829 and friendships that God has been trying to free 00:05:54.829 --> 00:05:58.970 us from for years. I know we've all heard this 00:05:58.970 --> 00:06:01.470 before, but, you know, there are some friendships 00:06:01.470 --> 00:06:04.970 that are for a reason. Some are for a season, 00:06:05.709 --> 00:06:07.889 some a lifetime. We've all heard that before. 00:06:08.370 --> 00:06:11.509 But there are some friendships that may have, 00:06:12.610 --> 00:06:16.170 may should have ended a long time ago. So listen, 00:06:16.189 --> 00:06:18.629 like I said earlier, I'm going to share a personal 00:06:18.629 --> 00:06:21.449 story with you because I believe it relates perfectly 00:06:21.449 --> 00:06:26.329 to this week's topic. So interestingly enough, 00:06:26.569 --> 00:06:29.509 tonight's show was supposed to feature a special 00:06:29.509 --> 00:06:34.790 guest, my childhood best friend, John. But in 00:06:34.790 --> 00:06:38.410 true John and Andre fashion, we fell out. yet 00:06:38.410 --> 00:06:42.709 again before the show could even air. So John 00:06:42.709 --> 00:06:44.649 and I have been through a lot together in our 00:06:44.649 --> 00:06:47.189 friendship. We've had ups, downs, all types of 00:06:47.189 --> 00:06:49.870 crazy memories. And to be honest with you, I've 00:06:49.870 --> 00:06:52.230 lost track of the number of times we've fallen 00:06:52.230 --> 00:06:56.310 out and have reconciled. But here's the thing, 00:06:56.490 --> 00:07:00.089 this last fallout that we had recently, it... 00:07:00.220 --> 00:07:03.439 It made today's topic even more real for me, 00:07:03.439 --> 00:07:05.740 more necessary. Because if I'm going through 00:07:05.740 --> 00:07:07.560 something like this, I can imagine many others 00:07:07.560 --> 00:07:10.579 are as well. So I'm not just talking to you in 00:07:10.579 --> 00:07:13.040 this episode, I'm talking to myself as well. 00:07:13.800 --> 00:07:15.319 So for context, I'm just going to share some 00:07:15.319 --> 00:07:18.319 background about my friendship with John, okay? 00:07:19.439 --> 00:07:24.240 So we met back when we were in seventh grade. 00:07:24.620 --> 00:07:27.600 Actually, we started out as adversaries, which 00:07:27.600 --> 00:07:29.699 should have been a telltale sign right there. 00:07:29.959 --> 00:07:33.339 But I was the nerdy kid at school. I was always 00:07:33.339 --> 00:07:35.560 the nerdy kid. I was always being teased and 00:07:35.560 --> 00:07:38.639 bullied. And I remember always sitting at the 00:07:38.639 --> 00:07:41.639 front of the class because, for me, it felt more 00:07:41.639 --> 00:07:44.740 safe, right? I felt like I had a better chance 00:07:44.740 --> 00:07:47.420 of being shielded from all the bullying if I 00:07:47.420 --> 00:07:50.180 sat close to the teacher. Plus, I wore glasses. 00:07:50.220 --> 00:07:52.420 I couldn't hardly see the board anyway if I sat 00:07:52.420 --> 00:07:57.220 too far. But I'll never forget my first interaction 00:07:57.220 --> 00:08:01.120 with John. So we were in fifth. period. The name 00:08:01.120 --> 00:08:03.160 of the teacher was Mr. England. It was social 00:08:03.160 --> 00:08:07.060 studies. And during this particular period, John 00:08:07.060 --> 00:08:11.800 was always that kid who was constantly talking 00:08:11.800 --> 00:08:16.199 junk about me like every single day. I could 00:08:16.199 --> 00:08:18.000 just hear him in the background every day with 00:08:18.000 --> 00:08:19.939 his friends. They'd make fun of my hair, make 00:08:19.939 --> 00:08:23.680 fun of my clothes, my glasses, just any and everything 00:08:23.680 --> 00:08:26.360 you could think of. And this was on a daily basis. 00:08:27.259 --> 00:08:30.579 And so every day I just tried to ignore him. 00:08:30.740 --> 00:08:32.639 I just tried to ignore him. I tried to just pay 00:08:32.639 --> 00:08:34.379 attention to the teacher, pay attention to the 00:08:34.379 --> 00:08:37.740 lesson, and act like I didn't hear it. Well, 00:08:38.000 --> 00:08:40.620 one day I got tired of this shit, and I got up, 00:08:40.940 --> 00:08:43.460 walked over to John. I said, I'm tired of you 00:08:43.460 --> 00:08:47.740 always talking about me. And he stood up, and 00:08:47.740 --> 00:08:49.399 he was like, well, what you want to do, Urkel? 00:08:50.220 --> 00:08:52.840 You know? And by this time, the class was just 00:08:52.840 --> 00:08:54.879 like, ooh, you know how it is when a fight's 00:08:54.879 --> 00:08:58.629 about to pop off. Mr. England wasn't having any 00:08:58.629 --> 00:09:01.190 of this. He was like, hey, hey, hey, you two 00:09:01.190 --> 00:09:03.950 are not tearing up my classroom. Andre, John, 00:09:04.129 --> 00:09:08.429 out in the hallway now. So he takes both of us 00:09:08.429 --> 00:09:10.830 out in the hallway. You can kind of see the other 00:09:10.830 --> 00:09:12.789 students peering through that little glass window 00:09:12.789 --> 00:09:15.730 in the door. And Mr. England was like, so you 00:09:15.730 --> 00:09:18.190 two want to fight, right? Go right ahead, fight. 00:09:19.809 --> 00:09:22.490 And so we both just sort of like stared at each 00:09:22.490 --> 00:09:26.480 other for a moment. And John was like, Hit me 00:09:26.480 --> 00:09:29.200 first. Now like you hit me first. No, you hit 00:09:29.200 --> 00:09:31.220 me first. And then after a while, Mr. Engler 00:09:31.220 --> 00:09:33.519 was like, you two ain't gonna do nothing. Go 00:09:33.519 --> 00:09:37.679 back to your seats and be quiet. And so I don't 00:09:37.679 --> 00:09:40.200 know, but some kind of way, don't ask me how, 00:09:40.519 --> 00:09:43.299 after that, we just end up becoming best friends 00:09:43.299 --> 00:09:46.580 after that. And from that point, we were really 00:09:46.580 --> 00:09:49.639 like thick as thieves. For the remainder of seventh 00:09:49.639 --> 00:09:52.980 grade and all through the next year, eighth grade, 00:09:53.019 --> 00:09:57.220 we had junior high on lock. We were like a terrible 00:09:57.220 --> 00:09:59.860 twosome. We wreaked havoc all over that school. 00:10:00.539 --> 00:10:02.960 In fact, we have become so notoriously linked 00:10:02.960 --> 00:10:07.019 that in eighth grade, the student counselor, 00:10:07.059 --> 00:10:10.779 she changed our class schedule. And I think she 00:10:10.779 --> 00:10:12.399 did it mid -year, because I think at the beginning 00:10:12.399 --> 00:10:14.679 of the year, we had the same classes. But mid 00:10:14.679 --> 00:10:16.779 -year, they changed all of our classes so that 00:10:16.779 --> 00:10:19.519 we had no classes together whatsoever, not even 00:10:19.519 --> 00:10:24.649 PE. And on top of that, The counselor met with 00:10:24.649 --> 00:10:29.610 both of our moms and she gave a very strong recommendation 00:10:29.610 --> 00:10:32.549 that we should not attend the same high school. 00:10:32.590 --> 00:10:34.190 We were both supposed to go to Columbus High 00:10:34.190 --> 00:10:36.809 School. And do you know our mom actually listened 00:10:36.809 --> 00:10:39.509 to that myth and put us in two different high 00:10:39.509 --> 00:10:41.210 schools? John went to Columbus. I ended up going 00:10:41.210 --> 00:10:44.210 to Shaw High School, but that didn't stop the 00:10:44.210 --> 00:10:46.690 John and Andre show. We were still close. We 00:10:46.690 --> 00:10:48.529 were still a dynamic duo all the way through 00:10:48.529 --> 00:10:52.590 high school. After graduation, John joined the 00:10:52.590 --> 00:10:55.980 Army. I joined the Air Force. We still kept in 00:10:55.980 --> 00:10:58.340 touch. We wrote letters to each other while we 00:10:58.340 --> 00:11:00.399 were in basic training and we talked on the phone 00:11:00.399 --> 00:11:02.779 occasionally. And you know, do what best friends 00:11:02.779 --> 00:11:05.500 do reminisce about when we were teenagers and 00:11:05.500 --> 00:11:08.120 you know, whenever we were both back home, we 00:11:08.120 --> 00:11:10.019 hang out with our other friends and it'd be just 00:11:10.019 --> 00:11:15.419 like old times. But somewhere along the line 00:11:15.419 --> 00:11:18.059 in our adulthood, something sort of shifted. 00:11:19.279 --> 00:11:22.659 As we got older, I started to notice we clashed 00:11:22.659 --> 00:11:25.779 more. I mean the connection was still there but 00:11:25.779 --> 00:11:29.220 something was off and at the time I didn't know 00:11:29.220 --> 00:11:32.899 exactly what it was but it gave like I would 00:11:32.899 --> 00:11:37.539 say frenemy vibes. It gave like a lingering resentment 00:11:37.539 --> 00:11:41.340 type vibe and I don't know deep down it just 00:11:41.340 --> 00:11:46.019 felt like he wanted to kind of see me fail or 00:11:46.019 --> 00:11:52.009 fall or be humbled in some way. And really, no 00:11:52.009 --> 00:11:54.549 one wants to say that about, you know, or feel 00:11:54.549 --> 00:11:56.309 that way about their best friend, someone they've 00:11:56.309 --> 00:11:59.590 known since junior high school. But I know what 00:11:59.590 --> 00:12:02.529 I felt and what I still feel to this day. And 00:12:02.529 --> 00:12:05.889 there was something valid there. Now, I told 00:12:05.889 --> 00:12:09.090 you, John, and I had numerous fallouts over the 00:12:09.090 --> 00:12:12.889 decades. I'd say most of those were minor, like 00:12:12.889 --> 00:12:16.110 squabbles, you know, that best friends go through, 00:12:16.470 --> 00:12:18.070 growing pains, whatever you want to call them. 00:12:18.889 --> 00:12:23.039 But... I remember the first time I felt really 00:12:23.039 --> 00:12:26.299 disappointed and hurt by John. It was when I 00:12:26.299 --> 00:12:29.679 came out to him. I remember I was 19. By then, 00:12:29.799 --> 00:12:33.179 I already knew I was gay. And I made the decision 00:12:33.179 --> 00:12:36.240 that I was gonna tell my family and my closest 00:12:36.240 --> 00:12:38.019 friends and just let the children fall where 00:12:38.019 --> 00:12:41.200 they fall. Because what I was not gonna do was 00:12:41.200 --> 00:12:43.059 have people in my life, I don't care if they 00:12:43.059 --> 00:12:44.679 were family, friends or what, I was not gonna 00:12:44.679 --> 00:12:47.899 have people in my life who did not truly accept 00:12:47.899 --> 00:12:51.850 me for who I was. So that has always been my 00:12:51.850 --> 00:12:55.529 stance on that topic, even today. So anyway, 00:12:55.710 --> 00:12:58.110 with with John being my best friend, I told him 00:12:58.110 --> 00:13:00.649 first. And, you know, thankfully he was cool 00:13:00.649 --> 00:13:03.129 with it. He didn't treat me any differently. 00:13:03.809 --> 00:13:07.470 But what bothered me, though, is that I remember 00:13:07.470 --> 00:13:10.669 telling him to keep it a secret until I, you 00:13:10.669 --> 00:13:12.970 know, had a chance to tell everybody my family, 00:13:13.129 --> 00:13:18.230 my other close friends. Let me just say that 00:13:18.230 --> 00:13:22.120 this is when i learned my best friend's biggest 00:13:22.120 --> 00:13:28.580 weakness he cannot keep a secret he gossips more 00:13:28.580 --> 00:13:32.240 than any woman i ever met so by the time i went 00:13:32.240 --> 00:13:34.440 to tell my other close friends that you know 00:13:34.440 --> 00:13:37.580 i had something i needed to tell them they were 00:13:37.580 --> 00:13:40.279 all like oh i already know you're gay john told 00:13:40.279 --> 00:13:45.299 me i don't care you know it is funny now but 00:13:45.299 --> 00:13:48.299 back then i was pissed because my whole thing 00:13:48.299 --> 00:13:51.679 was Well, what's the sense of having a best friend? 00:13:51.720 --> 00:13:54.519 They can't keep your secret. You know, like in 00:13:54.519 --> 00:13:58.080 my teenage mind back then, that was the main 00:13:58.080 --> 00:14:01.220 perk of being best friends with someone. You 00:14:01.220 --> 00:14:04.179 know, you had a confidant, a built -in confidant 00:14:04.179 --> 00:14:07.320 and support system, someone you could share private 00:14:07.320 --> 00:14:10.279 things with, you know, even things that your 00:14:10.279 --> 00:14:13.559 parents and your siblings didn't know. And so 00:14:13.559 --> 00:14:15.220 you would think I would have learned my lesson 00:14:15.220 --> 00:14:19.710 after all of that, but... I continue to like 00:14:19.710 --> 00:14:23.809 force this expectation on him. This fallacy that 00:14:23.809 --> 00:14:26.750 best friends keep your secrets. You know if I 00:14:26.750 --> 00:14:29.950 tell him a secret and then another secret and 00:14:29.950 --> 00:14:34.350 another and each and every time I'd be disappointed. 00:14:35.450 --> 00:14:38.990 And. I'm sure that was the cause of the majority 00:14:38.990 --> 00:14:43.669 of our fallouts back then until I finally learned 00:14:43.669 --> 00:14:48.909 to adapt. It took me a while to just get it and 00:14:48.909 --> 00:14:52.450 understand that keeping secrets is not John's 00:14:52.450 --> 00:14:56.549 strong suit. And to continue to share private 00:14:56.549 --> 00:14:59.629 and sensitive matters with him and continue to 00:14:59.629 --> 00:15:02.450 expect him to keep my confidence, that was an 00:15:02.450 --> 00:15:05.730 error on my part. Because he's already demonstrated 00:15:05.730 --> 00:15:10.330 that he's not willing or capable of keeping a 00:15:10.330 --> 00:15:14.809 secret. After years and years, I finally adapted, 00:15:15.090 --> 00:15:17.409 and I just stopped telling them shit. You know, 00:15:17.610 --> 00:15:22.029 once I did that, things were less bumpy with 00:15:22.029 --> 00:15:26.570 us. Still bumpy, but, you know, less so. And 00:15:26.570 --> 00:15:29.070 even today, he's still, you know, sort of messy 00:15:29.070 --> 00:15:30.929 like that. Not too long before we fell out this 00:15:30.929 --> 00:15:34.210 last time, he casually spilled some tea about 00:15:34.210 --> 00:15:36.269 a mutual acquaintance that we had. I'm not gonna 00:15:36.269 --> 00:15:38.090 name their name because they're probably listening, 00:15:38.669 --> 00:15:42.039 but... it was some private and personal stuff, 00:15:42.059 --> 00:15:45.360 stuff that I'm sure that was shared in confidence 00:15:45.360 --> 00:15:48.799 and stuff that the other person wouldn't want 00:15:48.799 --> 00:15:52.059 others to know. And I know if he's told it to 00:15:52.059 --> 00:15:54.700 me, he's told it to others. You know, he just 00:15:54.700 --> 00:15:56.659 has a problem. I'm getting off track. I'm getting 00:15:56.659 --> 00:16:00.200 off track. So anyway, going back to me coming 00:16:00.200 --> 00:16:02.700 out to my friends and family, the great thing 00:16:02.700 --> 00:16:06.200 was this, okay? No one cared that I was gay. 00:16:06.679 --> 00:16:10.460 So that was a relief. The not -so -great thing 00:16:10.460 --> 00:16:14.980 was my best friend betrayed my confidence and 00:16:14.980 --> 00:16:18.419 At that time that was a big deal to me because 00:16:18.419 --> 00:16:23.200 it wasn't his secret to tell you know, but If 00:16:23.200 --> 00:16:25.460 you put everything in perspective, we were 19 00:16:25.460 --> 00:16:29.059 and 20 years old at times So, you know, I I didn't 00:16:29.059 --> 00:16:31.299 really understand back then that it was a character 00:16:31.299 --> 00:16:35.220 flaw I just kind of wrote it off as a one -off 00:16:35.220 --> 00:16:39.379 loose lips kind of thing but Somehow we were 00:16:39.379 --> 00:16:42.480 able to, you know, get past that move on. You 00:16:42.480 --> 00:16:43.960 know, I was just so glad that all my friends 00:16:43.960 --> 00:16:46.340 and family accepted me and didn't reject me because 00:16:46.340 --> 00:16:50.120 I know for a lot of people that's not their experience. 00:16:50.679 --> 00:16:52.659 And, you know, I could have handled it. I know 00:16:52.659 --> 00:16:54.100 me. I could have handled it, but it would have 00:16:54.100 --> 00:16:57.240 really stuck. So I was lucky in that regard. 00:16:57.259 --> 00:17:01.580 But yeah, if if I'm being honest, that was the 00:17:01.580 --> 00:17:05.099 first layer of resentment that I had towards 00:17:05.099 --> 00:17:10.279 John. I say it was a relatively small wound that 00:17:10.279 --> 00:17:16.660 just never really healed properly. There was 00:17:16.660 --> 00:17:21.799 another critical moment in my life when I really, 00:17:21.799 --> 00:17:24.319 really, really needed my best friend's support. 00:17:24.779 --> 00:17:29.660 It was back when I was 25, 26 years old. I was 00:17:29.660 --> 00:17:32.799 wrongfully accused of a crime, and I was fighting 00:17:32.799 --> 00:17:37.839 like hell to get my name cleared. When my attorney 00:17:37.839 --> 00:17:41.339 was preparing my defense, he asked me for a list 00:17:41.339 --> 00:17:43.519 of names of people who could provide a character 00:17:43.519 --> 00:17:46.579 witness for me. Essentially, these people have 00:17:46.579 --> 00:17:49.099 to agree to testify in court on a specific date, 00:17:49.180 --> 00:17:53.180 right? Of course, the first name I gave him was 00:17:53.180 --> 00:17:55.980 my best friend John, who's known me forever, 00:17:56.160 --> 00:18:02.859 right? It was a no -brainer. Well, of all the 00:18:02.859 --> 00:18:06.450 names I gave my attorney, I'll let you guess 00:18:06.450 --> 00:18:09.309 which one declined to provide a character witness 00:18:09.309 --> 00:18:15.150 for me. You guessed it. My best friend John. 00:18:16.009 --> 00:18:18.990 Oh, and his reason for declining. He had to work. 00:18:21.250 --> 00:18:26.890 When my attorney told me that I was flabbergasted. 00:18:28.049 --> 00:18:31.710 It was crazy that we weren't even in a fallout 00:18:31.710 --> 00:18:34.750 during that time. I mean, and don't get me wrong, 00:18:34.890 --> 00:18:36.950 that still would have been effed up, but at least 00:18:36.950 --> 00:18:40.750 I could halfway have understood that. But to 00:18:40.750 --> 00:18:42.950 hear that your best friend was wrongfully accused 00:18:42.950 --> 00:18:45.670 of a crime, you know he's fighting to clear his 00:18:45.670 --> 00:18:48.009 name, and you mean to tell me you couldn't even 00:18:48.009 --> 00:18:50.789 take one day off, not even a full day. We're 00:18:50.789 --> 00:18:54.250 talking about a few hours to come to court. You 00:18:54.250 --> 00:18:56.609 couldn't do that to provide a character witness 00:18:56.609 --> 00:18:59.789 for someone you've known at that point for over 00:18:59.789 --> 00:19:06.700 a decade. Are you kidding me? I was livid. Thankfully, 00:19:06.759 --> 00:19:08.819 everything worked out. Everything worked out 00:19:08.819 --> 00:19:10.960 for the best. I was able to clear my name without 00:19:10.960 --> 00:19:17.279 John's help. But that hurt. Even when I talk 00:19:17.279 --> 00:19:19.599 about it now, it kind of stings a little bit. 00:19:20.160 --> 00:19:22.819 And I don't think I talked to John for almost 00:19:22.819 --> 00:19:27.619 a year, maybe two years behind that. Years later, 00:19:27.619 --> 00:19:30.579 we finally addressed it. But by that time, the 00:19:30.579 --> 00:19:33.240 damage had already been done. Plus, He never 00:19:33.240 --> 00:19:38.500 really apologized or he didn't take accountability 00:19:38.500 --> 00:19:42.299 for it. So again, that was another deep wound 00:19:42.299 --> 00:19:46.319 that just never fully healed. And even when we 00:19:46.319 --> 00:19:49.559 did finally reconcile, our dynamic was never 00:19:49.559 --> 00:19:52.839 really the same. It just wasn't because that 00:19:52.839 --> 00:19:57.019 incident never left my mind. And I never trusted 00:19:57.019 --> 00:20:01.599 him after that. Because I felt like Wow, this 00:20:01.599 --> 00:20:05.779 is someone that I can't really depend on or rely 00:20:05.779 --> 00:20:11.000 on like this is someone who just Does not have 00:20:11.000 --> 00:20:13.619 my back at the end of the day. That's the mindset 00:20:13.619 --> 00:20:16.900 that I developed from that You know and that 00:20:16.900 --> 00:20:20.099 that's a hard pill to swallow especially with 00:20:20.099 --> 00:20:24.079 someone that you've been best friends with since 00:20:24.079 --> 00:20:29.369 you were 13 and I didn't realize it at the time, 00:20:29.609 --> 00:20:33.430 but there was a really deep resentment towards 00:20:33.430 --> 00:20:38.950 John building up from that letdown, that festered 00:20:38.950 --> 00:20:43.230 years for years. And the thing about it is I 00:20:43.230 --> 00:20:46.170 didn't even really notice it. I didn't even notice 00:20:46.170 --> 00:20:49.269 it. We still laughed and joked and hung out occasionally, 00:20:49.269 --> 00:20:55.230 but beneath all of that, resentment was growing. 00:20:55.809 --> 00:21:01.630 like a cancer year after year. The longest fallout 00:21:01.630 --> 00:21:05.549 that John and I had was about five years long. 00:21:06.630 --> 00:21:09.910 We were probably about 35, somewhere around 35, 00:21:09.950 --> 00:21:13.890 36 years old. And I remember during that era, 00:21:13.910 --> 00:21:16.650 I had been in a long -term relationship for about 00:21:16.650 --> 00:21:21.809 seven or eight years, maybe longer. John was 00:21:21.809 --> 00:21:24.430 caught up in the perpetual dating cycle of Atlanta. 00:21:24.720 --> 00:21:27.980 still is to this day. I know that comes across 00:21:27.980 --> 00:21:31.160 shady, but it's the truth. And there's a reason 00:21:31.160 --> 00:21:33.680 why I mentioned that. You know, if you're sharp, 00:21:33.759 --> 00:21:36.859 you'll catch it. But anyway, back to the story 00:21:36.859 --> 00:21:41.339 about the five year fallout. OK, so somehow. 00:21:42.859 --> 00:21:48.039 He had gotten involved with this. Obviously mentally 00:21:48.039 --> 00:21:52.859 ill con artist woman. And she tricked him into 00:21:52.859 --> 00:21:57.299 thinking that. She was pregnant by him. The entire 00:21:57.299 --> 00:22:02.339 thing reeked of, like, scam, red flags, just 00:22:02.339 --> 00:22:06.119 the whole nine yards. It was very much giving 00:22:06.119 --> 00:22:10.519 Maury Povich back then, you know? I could see 00:22:10.519 --> 00:22:12.660 straight through this woman, John's other friends 00:22:12.660 --> 00:22:16.059 could see through her. We all tried to tell him, 00:22:16.500 --> 00:22:19.180 look, man, you're being played. We told him over 00:22:19.180 --> 00:22:21.019 and over, it fell on deaf ears. I don't know 00:22:21.019 --> 00:22:24.119 what was going on with him at that time. I don't 00:22:24.119 --> 00:22:26.059 know what was going on with him, but it was like 00:22:26.059 --> 00:22:28.900 he was hell bent on buying into this fantasy 00:22:28.900 --> 00:22:34.140 that he was about to be a father. And eventually, 00:22:34.160 --> 00:22:37.460 I'm not sure how it all came about, because I 00:22:37.460 --> 00:22:39.359 try to keep a certain distance from it, because 00:22:39.359 --> 00:22:43.400 the whole thing was just so stupid to me. But 00:22:43.400 --> 00:22:45.980 somehow, John found out that the ultrasound the 00:22:45.980 --> 00:22:49.559 girl showed him was fake. And if I remember correctly, 00:22:49.660 --> 00:22:51.839 I think she got it off of Google Images or something. 00:22:53.210 --> 00:22:56.170 It was just scandalous. And so anyway, so John 00:22:56.170 --> 00:22:59.250 came to me, he broke the news that, you know, 00:22:59.250 --> 00:23:02.190 it was a fake ultrasound. She's not really pregnant 00:23:02.190 --> 00:23:05.549 or what have you. He was all devastated or whatever. 00:23:05.589 --> 00:23:09.509 I think he may even cried a little bit. He was 00:23:09.509 --> 00:23:14.650 really truly devastated and really bought into 00:23:14.650 --> 00:23:20.150 this charade. But by this point, I was just kind 00:23:20.150 --> 00:23:23.529 of... I was just so done and disgusted by him 00:23:23.529 --> 00:23:25.650 and just the whole thing because it was such 00:23:25.650 --> 00:23:32.349 an obvious stunt. And in retrospect, I can see 00:23:32.349 --> 00:23:35.089 he probably was looking for me to be empathetic 00:23:35.089 --> 00:23:38.430 in that moment. I just didn't have it in me. 00:23:39.309 --> 00:23:41.609 I did not have it in me. Anyone who knows me 00:23:41.609 --> 00:23:45.809 knows that my tolerance for BS is extremely low. 00:23:46.569 --> 00:23:51.140 But I remember it very well in that moment when 00:23:51.140 --> 00:23:53.819 he was telling me, it just seemed like all of 00:23:53.819 --> 00:23:58.259 my frustration and resentment that had been building 00:23:58.259 --> 00:24:01.400 up over the years just came all rushing to the 00:24:01.400 --> 00:24:05.279 surface. And I just went off. I was like, look, 00:24:05.500 --> 00:24:08.299 this is some 20 something foolishness. You are 00:24:08.299 --> 00:24:11.470 too old. to be falling for some bs like this 00:24:11.470 --> 00:24:13.869 in a stupid relationship like this this is why 00:24:13.869 --> 00:24:15.930 i can't stand being around you all you talk about 00:24:15.930 --> 00:24:18.849 is ignorant bs we told you this girl was scamming 00:24:18.849 --> 00:24:20.849 you you wouldn't listen we begged you to leave 00:24:20.849 --> 00:24:23.930 her alone now all the shit hits the fan and we're 00:24:23.930 --> 00:24:26.109 all supposed to rally around you and give you 00:24:26.109 --> 00:24:28.170 sympathy when you're just being stupid i just 00:24:28.170 --> 00:24:32.349 went off i called him all types of morons idiots 00:24:32.349 --> 00:24:36.250 stupid dumb not on my level why do i even waste 00:24:36.250 --> 00:24:39.420 time with this sham of a friendship I mean, I 00:24:39.420 --> 00:24:43.500 just let it rip, and I cut him out for old and 00:24:43.500 --> 00:24:46.279 new. And, you know, it wasn't even about the 00:24:46.279 --> 00:24:49.940 girl at that point anymore. It was just about 00:24:49.940 --> 00:24:52.619 everything. Everything came out. All the back 00:24:52.619 --> 00:24:56.119 and forth, the disappointment, all the unkept 00:24:56.119 --> 00:24:59.059 secrets, not being there when I really needed 00:24:59.059 --> 00:25:02.900 him the most. Just everything came out. And when 00:25:02.900 --> 00:25:05.900 I finished unloading on him, we didn't speak 00:25:05.900 --> 00:25:09.380 for five years after that. Five years. It was 00:25:09.380 --> 00:25:12.119 the longest we had ever gone without communication 00:25:12.119 --> 00:25:17.680 and that five years of silence It wasn't planned. 00:25:17.680 --> 00:25:19.319 It wasn't declared nothing like that. It just 00:25:19.319 --> 00:25:23.000 kind of happened organically And I don't think 00:25:23.000 --> 00:25:26.640 both of us needed that time. I Really do because 00:25:26.640 --> 00:25:30.099 we were two people who had grown in different 00:25:30.099 --> 00:25:33.539 directions and we were both clinging to a friendship 00:25:33.539 --> 00:25:36.799 that Had stopped serving either one of us long 00:25:36.799 --> 00:25:41.140 time ago And it wasn't until a mutual friend, 00:25:41.660 --> 00:25:45.059 ironically his name is also John, but he stepped 00:25:45.059 --> 00:25:47.240 in and sort of orchestrated a reconciliation. 00:25:47.940 --> 00:25:50.799 And we found our way back to speaking terms after 00:25:50.799 --> 00:25:56.279 five years had passed. And surprisingly, we picked 00:25:56.279 --> 00:25:59.640 right up where we left off. We still had that 00:25:59.640 --> 00:26:02.460 banter. We still had the jokes, the movie quotes, 00:26:03.039 --> 00:26:05.819 the memories. It all just came rushing back like 00:26:05.819 --> 00:26:08.359 no time had passed. You know, that's how it is 00:26:08.359 --> 00:26:10.700 with best friends. I know a lot of you can relate 00:26:10.700 --> 00:26:16.819 with that. But there was still a problem. By 00:26:16.819 --> 00:26:19.240 this time we were in our 40s, our early 40s by 00:26:19.240 --> 00:26:22.559 then. We were more mature. We have evolved a 00:26:22.559 --> 00:26:26.640 lot more. We were more experienced. But I noticed 00:26:26.640 --> 00:26:29.960 our conversations hadn't really grown with us. 00:26:30.740 --> 00:26:34.460 You know, it felt like we were still stuck in 00:26:34.460 --> 00:26:38.539 a time capsule and we were just reliving the 00:26:38.539 --> 00:26:42.319 past instead of using that reconciliation as 00:26:42.319 --> 00:26:45.279 an opportunity to build something new, build 00:26:45.279 --> 00:26:49.680 a more mature version of our friendship. But 00:26:49.680 --> 00:26:53.779 instead of all that, we never talked about our 00:26:53.779 --> 00:26:58.200 lives in any meaningful way. We never talked 00:26:58.200 --> 00:27:02.160 about business ventures or spiritual growth. 00:27:02.569 --> 00:27:04.809 We never talked about relationships. We had been 00:27:04.809 --> 00:27:07.609 in a number of relationships by that point and 00:27:07.609 --> 00:27:10.650 could have swapped stories and ways we grew from 00:27:10.650 --> 00:27:13.390 those relationships, personal transformation, 00:27:13.589 --> 00:27:15.329 all types of stuff we could have talked about. 00:27:16.009 --> 00:27:19.349 But it was all nostalgia all the time. That's 00:27:19.349 --> 00:27:23.009 all we did. And for me, it just wasn't enough 00:27:23.009 --> 00:27:26.150 anymore because we were in our 40s. We were both 00:27:26.150 --> 00:27:29.559 educated, both accomplished. We were both doing 00:27:29.559 --> 00:27:32.400 well in our respective careers and lives. We 00:27:32.400 --> 00:27:36.319 were really leading the pack in terms of all 00:27:36.319 --> 00:27:38.900 the friends that we grew up with. So there was 00:27:38.900 --> 00:27:43.980 just a lot we could have shared. A lot of value 00:27:43.980 --> 00:27:46.420 we could have exchanged that would have propelled 00:27:46.420 --> 00:27:51.079 us both forward. But just none of that was happening. 00:27:52.160 --> 00:27:54.460 Like I said, it's like we were stuck. We were 00:27:54.460 --> 00:27:58.109 stuck in this type of friendship that only knew 00:27:58.109 --> 00:28:03.369 how to exist in a rear view mirror and so even 00:28:03.369 --> 00:28:06.029 with all that kept, you know, trucking along 00:28:06.029 --> 00:28:11.390 and over time I noticed that those same old feelings 00:28:11.390 --> 00:28:15.109 of frustration, resentment, they started to creep 00:28:15.109 --> 00:28:18.329 back up to the surface and it just seemed like 00:28:18.329 --> 00:28:20.450 every time we connected I started to feel like 00:28:20.450 --> 00:28:26.140 I was like shrinking myself to fit in this outdated 00:28:26.140 --> 00:28:28.259 version that you kept trying to hold me hostage 00:28:28.259 --> 00:28:32.140 to and that's when I knew I was like this this 00:28:32.140 --> 00:28:35.319 friendship isn't evolving and neither was I as 00:28:35.319 --> 00:28:37.619 long as I stayed in it and I know a lot of you 00:28:37.619 --> 00:28:40.819 can relate and have a similar situation with 00:28:40.819 --> 00:28:43.400 your friend particularly if you grew up together 00:28:43.400 --> 00:28:47.660 you know I feel like this I think um I think 00:28:47.660 --> 00:28:50.779 childhood friendships and childhood best friends 00:28:50.779 --> 00:28:53.839 I think they're great during their prime you 00:28:53.839 --> 00:28:56.990 know but In my opinion, those are some of the 00:28:56.990 --> 00:29:01.910 most difficult friendships to sustain into adulthood. 00:29:02.690 --> 00:29:06.009 And here's why I say that. Those friendships 00:29:06.009 --> 00:29:09.009 were formed during a time in your life when your 00:29:09.009 --> 00:29:12.630 identity as a person was still developing. You 00:29:12.630 --> 00:29:15.109 know, you were bonding over shared experiences, 00:29:15.930 --> 00:29:17.630 common environments. Maybe you went to the same 00:29:17.630 --> 00:29:20.369 school or lived in the same neighborhood. Maybe 00:29:20.369 --> 00:29:24.819 you went to the same church. you're kind of navigating 00:29:24.819 --> 00:29:29.559 the world together for the first time, but time 00:29:29.559 --> 00:29:32.059 goes on, you get older, life starts pulling you 00:29:32.059 --> 00:29:34.619 in different directions, different directions 00:29:34.619 --> 00:29:38.539 geographically, just different directions, and 00:29:38.539 --> 00:29:42.779 it just starts to be a divide there. And so it 00:29:42.779 --> 00:29:45.000 just becomes really interesting how that works. 00:29:45.640 --> 00:29:48.259 And before you know it, you just get to a point 00:29:48.259 --> 00:29:51.660 to where you're just not... seeing eye -to -eye 00:29:51.660 --> 00:29:56.500 is you're sort of misaligned and and that's what 00:29:56.500 --> 00:30:01.019 happened in our friendship and you know, but 00:30:01.019 --> 00:30:03.220 a lot of these childhood friendships they seem 00:30:03.220 --> 00:30:06.259 to be rooted in who you were you know and not 00:30:06.259 --> 00:30:10.279 necessarily who you've become and I think what 00:30:10.279 --> 00:30:12.400 happens is that friend whoever your friend is 00:30:12.400 --> 00:30:14.200 from your childhood they still see you through 00:30:14.200 --> 00:30:18.440 the lens of the past and not the grown version 00:30:18.440 --> 00:30:23.670 of yourself that has learned and healed and grown 00:30:23.670 --> 00:30:27.029 up, leveled up. It's like they still remember 00:30:27.029 --> 00:30:29.269 who you used to be but they have a struggle trying 00:30:29.269 --> 00:30:32.029 to embrace who you are now. And that sort of 00:30:32.029 --> 00:30:35.890 thing can lead to subtle tension and unspoken 00:30:35.890 --> 00:30:39.529 expectations and just, like I said before, a 00:30:39.529 --> 00:30:42.710 misalignment. But if you're able to hold on to 00:30:42.710 --> 00:30:45.210 friendships like that and have them grow with 00:30:45.210 --> 00:30:48.640 you, And have friendships that adapt and mature 00:30:48.640 --> 00:30:51.140 and honors your evolution as a human being then 00:30:51.140 --> 00:30:53.859 that's when you found something rare and You 00:30:53.859 --> 00:30:56.119 really are blessed if you have one of those types 00:30:56.119 --> 00:30:58.819 of friendships you know, and it's not to say 00:30:58.819 --> 00:31:00.480 that you're not going to have your share of challenges 00:31:00.480 --> 00:31:03.839 or issues because every relationship is going 00:31:03.839 --> 00:31:07.299 to require effort and patience and forgiveness, 00:31:07.359 --> 00:31:11.380 but What I'd invite you to pay particular attention 00:31:11.380 --> 00:31:15.240 to our patterns especially if you notice a theme 00:31:15.240 --> 00:31:19.390 of recurring fallout, emotional disconnects, 00:31:19.470 --> 00:31:24.250 or energy that feels draining or just off. Because 00:31:24.250 --> 00:31:27.990 sometimes what we call a friendship is really 00:31:27.990 --> 00:31:32.289 just a habit or an emotional obligation, right? 00:31:32.369 --> 00:31:35.009 And we don't realize it until we start losing 00:31:35.009 --> 00:31:39.109 our peace. It starts costing us our peace. We're 00:31:39.109 --> 00:31:41.130 going to pause here for a quick commercial break, 00:31:41.289 --> 00:31:43.480 but when we come back, I'm going to walk you 00:31:43.480 --> 00:31:46.519 through the most recent and final fallout that 00:31:46.519 --> 00:31:49.059 I had with my best friend. I'll share what pushed 00:31:49.059 --> 00:31:53.099 me to finally draw the line, how I processed 00:31:53.099 --> 00:31:56.539 it, and what I've learned about letting go of 00:31:56.539 --> 00:31:59.740 people who no longer align with your future. 00:32:00.180 --> 00:32:01.799 So I'm going to leave you with some key takeaways 00:32:01.799 --> 00:32:04.900 I hope will help you navigate your own friendships 00:32:04.900 --> 00:32:08.539 with more clarity, discernment, and peace, so 00:32:08.539 --> 00:32:10.779 that you can make the necessary adjustments. 00:32:10.970 --> 00:32:12.990 that you need to make to protect your energy 00:32:12.990 --> 00:32:15.730 and honor your growth. Alright, so you don't 00:32:15.730 --> 00:32:17.390 want to miss this. Stay tuned. We'll be right 00:32:17.390 --> 00:32:20.970 back. 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Visit 00:33:30.710 --> 00:33:33.769 amazon .com forward slash autos and drive into 00:33:33.769 --> 00:33:38.049 the future today. You're back live with Dr. Andre 00:33:38.049 --> 00:33:51.210 Jerry. Alright, welcome back to live with Dr. 00:33:51.250 --> 00:33:53.809 Andre Jerry. Hey, if you're just tuning in, we 00:33:53.809 --> 00:33:56.470 spent the first half of the show unpacking the 00:33:56.470 --> 00:33:59.470 complexities of childhood friendships. How they're 00:33:59.470 --> 00:34:03.130 formed, how they evolve over time, or sometimes 00:34:03.130 --> 00:34:06.329 don't evolve. And the signs that a connection 00:34:06.329 --> 00:34:10.010 may have outlived its season. So to bring this 00:34:10.010 --> 00:34:12.250 topic to life, I'm sharing a deeply personal 00:34:12.250 --> 00:34:15.289 story about my own best friend. The struggles 00:34:15.289 --> 00:34:18.809 we faced, the unresolved tension, and how years 00:34:18.809 --> 00:34:21.389 of silent resentment ultimately brought our friendship 00:34:21.389 --> 00:34:24.409 to a close. Now, in the second half of the show, 00:34:24.750 --> 00:34:27.289 we're going to continue down the road of this 00:34:27.289 --> 00:34:30.369 personal story and walk through the final. And 00:34:30.369 --> 00:34:33.829 I do mean final. fallout that ultimately led 00:34:33.829 --> 00:34:37.349 me to close the chapter on this friendship. So 00:34:37.349 --> 00:34:43.170 let's get back into it. Okay, so this most recent 00:34:43.170 --> 00:34:46.010 fallout with John wasn't about one particular 00:34:46.010 --> 00:34:49.730 thing. At first appearance it would have seemed 00:34:49.730 --> 00:34:52.550 that way, but it really was the culmination of 00:34:52.550 --> 00:34:55.269 everything I mentioned earlier. The unresolved 00:34:55.269 --> 00:34:58.670 tension, the emotional distance, and the subtle 00:34:58.670 --> 00:35:01.969 resentment. But what ultimately pushed things 00:35:01.969 --> 00:35:06.949 over the edge for me was a pattern It was a pattern 00:35:06.949 --> 00:35:09.050 that had become too obvious for me to continue 00:35:09.050 --> 00:35:12.690 to ignore and that was his half -hearted approach 00:35:12.690 --> 00:35:16.710 to friendship and his consistent lack of support 00:35:16.710 --> 00:35:19.809 So I mentioned at the start of the show that 00:35:19.809 --> 00:35:21.630 originally John was supposed to be my guest for 00:35:21.630 --> 00:35:24.269 this show But we fell out before the show could 00:35:24.269 --> 00:35:29.480 air Really, it wasn't so much a fallout as it 00:35:29.480 --> 00:35:32.579 was, I just decided that it'd be best to cancel 00:35:32.579 --> 00:35:35.579 his appearance. And I'm gonna tell you why I 00:35:35.579 --> 00:35:39.380 did that. I'm gonna tell you exactly why. So 00:35:39.380 --> 00:35:42.760 John has known about my radio show since it first 00:35:42.760 --> 00:35:46.420 aired in 2022. But it's not really something 00:35:46.420 --> 00:35:48.679 that I mentioned a whole lot in our conversations 00:35:48.679 --> 00:35:54.619 because he never really showed any genuine interest 00:35:54.619 --> 00:35:58.099 in it. You know like he would never ask like 00:35:58.099 --> 00:36:02.239 hey, how's the show going or? Hey, I caught your 00:36:02.239 --> 00:36:04.659 last episode. It was pretty good or I'm gonna 00:36:04.659 --> 00:36:07.039 post your upcoming episode on my social media 00:36:07.039 --> 00:36:09.579 You know nothing like that. No type of support. 00:36:09.900 --> 00:36:14.219 No feedback nothing In the early days of the 00:36:14.219 --> 00:36:17.219 show I think I may have sent him a link to a 00:36:17.219 --> 00:36:20.579 couple of shows And he would always make it a 00:36:20.579 --> 00:36:23.699 point to be busy or You know, have some excuse 00:36:23.699 --> 00:36:25.539 as to why he wouldn't be able to catch the show. 00:36:26.139 --> 00:36:29.900 That type of vibe. So I was like, okay. I kind 00:36:29.900 --> 00:36:33.340 of took note of that very early on and I adjusted 00:36:33.340 --> 00:36:36.260 accordingly. You know, I didn't really mention 00:36:36.260 --> 00:36:40.539 the show to him much at all after that. Because 00:36:40.539 --> 00:36:43.579 I knew deep down that I was dealing with a hater. 00:36:44.260 --> 00:36:47.860 But I overlooked it. I did. Just on account of 00:36:47.860 --> 00:36:51.780 our history together, you know, loyalty, we just... 00:36:51.849 --> 00:36:55.230 You know, we're coming off of a five -year reconciliation, 00:36:55.909 --> 00:36:57.630 and I just didn't want to come across petty, 00:36:58.210 --> 00:37:02.489 you know? I just wanted to keep the peace. But 00:37:02.489 --> 00:37:05.469 even with all of that, I still extended an invitation 00:37:05.469 --> 00:37:08.969 to him to be on this particular episode, which 00:37:08.969 --> 00:37:12.010 originally I titled the show, What About Your 00:37:12.010 --> 00:37:14.989 Friends? How to Know When to Let Go. Because 00:37:14.989 --> 00:37:17.590 I give it... I felt that having him on the show 00:37:17.590 --> 00:37:21.989 would be... I don't know, I felt like it would 00:37:21.989 --> 00:37:24.349 give more texture to the show since the topic 00:37:24.349 --> 00:37:27.969 was going to be about friendships. And the idea 00:37:27.969 --> 00:37:32.610 was to explore the dynamics of long -term friendships, 00:37:33.030 --> 00:37:36.230 right? We were going to talk about decades -long 00:37:36.230 --> 00:37:39.750 friendship, the highs, the lows, how our friendship 00:37:39.750 --> 00:37:43.869 has evolved over time. It wouldn't have never 00:37:43.869 --> 00:37:46.010 worked anyway. It wouldn't have worked because 00:37:46.010 --> 00:37:49.570 our friendship hadn't evolved. That was the problem. 00:37:49.760 --> 00:37:52.280 So it just never would have worked. And that 00:37:52.280 --> 00:37:55.079 was a bad idea on my part. And I take responsibility 00:37:55.079 --> 00:37:59.179 for that. But initially, he accepted the invitation. 00:37:59.340 --> 00:38:01.219 And you know, we were both looking forward to 00:38:01.219 --> 00:38:05.920 it. Meanwhile, my April episode was just like 00:38:05.920 --> 00:38:08.880 a few days away. So I thought to myself, why 00:38:08.880 --> 00:38:12.039 not send him a quick email reminder to tune in 00:38:12.039 --> 00:38:14.940 to that show? Right? Normally, I wouldn't have 00:38:14.940 --> 00:38:16.960 even bothered. You know, I wouldn't have bothered 00:38:16.960 --> 00:38:20.510 because, you know, he's never shown. much interest 00:38:20.510 --> 00:38:23.909 or initiative in supporting the show anyway so 00:38:23.909 --> 00:38:29.010 but you know I try to give people room to grow 00:38:29.010 --> 00:38:31.590 or whatever so and since he was scheduled to 00:38:31.590 --> 00:38:34.909 appear on the the very next episode I just figured 00:38:34.909 --> 00:38:37.130 it was no harm in it you know maybe this time 00:38:37.130 --> 00:38:40.429 he'd actually tune in and and to be clear this 00:38:40.429 --> 00:38:43.170 is not like I'm hurting for listeners or anything 00:38:43.170 --> 00:38:46.449 the show has an international audience this is 00:38:46.449 --> 00:38:50.809 what's more about extending a gesture of inclusion 00:38:50.809 --> 00:38:56.349 to him, and just grounding the topic with a personal 00:38:56.349 --> 00:39:01.269 story, and someone tied to, you know, my past. 00:39:02.190 --> 00:39:06.190 And so, against my better judgment, I went ahead 00:39:06.190 --> 00:39:07.909 and sent him the email reminder for the April 00:39:07.909 --> 00:39:11.610 show, but this is what pissed me off. I sent 00:39:11.610 --> 00:39:14.489 him the email, it was against my better judgment, 00:39:14.590 --> 00:39:19.159 so that was a bit of a sign. But what pissed 00:39:19.159 --> 00:39:22.860 me off, he didn't even have the decency to respond. 00:39:23.739 --> 00:39:27.440 He didn't even acknowledge the email. You know, 00:39:27.480 --> 00:39:29.239 most friends would have said something like, 00:39:29.260 --> 00:39:32.079 hey, I got your email. Thanks, I'll be sure to 00:39:32.079 --> 00:39:34.840 tune in. Even if they don't tune in, it's just 00:39:34.840 --> 00:39:37.179 like, it's just that you took a moment to say, 00:39:37.440 --> 00:39:40.099 hey, I'm acknowledging that you sent me something. 00:39:40.099 --> 00:39:42.739 I got it, whatever. You know, or sent a thumbs 00:39:42.739 --> 00:39:45.519 up or something. He didn't even acknowledge it. 00:39:45.630 --> 00:39:49.309 It was like I never sent it. And I know a lot 00:39:49.309 --> 00:39:52.349 of you may be thinking like, well, I don't understand. 00:39:52.469 --> 00:39:55.510 What's the big deal? It's not about the email 00:39:55.510 --> 00:40:00.050 so much for me. The big deal is that this type 00:40:00.050 --> 00:40:03.650 of slight from John hits a nerve with me. Because 00:40:03.650 --> 00:40:07.050 for someone who is so quick to call me his best 00:40:07.050 --> 00:40:10.190 friend and all of this, he won't even lift a 00:40:10.190 --> 00:40:13.010 finger to hit a like button for something that 00:40:13.010 --> 00:40:16.909 I'm passionate about. and he had a track record 00:40:16.909 --> 00:40:20.989 of being unsupportive. That's what the big deal 00:40:20.989 --> 00:40:24.230 is for me. Now any other time I email John or 00:40:24.230 --> 00:40:28.969 text him like a movie meme or joke or something 00:40:28.969 --> 00:40:32.090 trivial, he'll respond right away. We're talking 00:40:32.090 --> 00:40:35.590 like less than five minutes. But something meaningful 00:40:35.590 --> 00:40:40.230 or important to me, crickets. And so that was 00:40:40.230 --> 00:40:42.940 really the last straw for me. And when I say 00:40:42.940 --> 00:40:45.000 with the last straw, I'm more so talking about 00:40:45.000 --> 00:40:48.320 me being fed up with myself. Because here I was 00:40:48.320 --> 00:40:52.059 going out of my way to be inclusive and invite 00:40:52.059 --> 00:40:54.300 him on a platform that he never helped build, 00:40:54.599 --> 00:40:58.800 never promoted, supported, liked, inquired about 00:40:58.800 --> 00:41:02.260 nothing. So I was more frustrated with myself 00:41:02.260 --> 00:41:04.260 than I was with John at this point. Because John 00:41:04.260 --> 00:41:06.260 was just doing John. He'd been doing this for 00:41:06.260 --> 00:41:10.260 decades. Being half -hearted, half -assed, unsupportive. 00:41:11.530 --> 00:41:14.949 I was the one who failed to draw a line in the 00:41:14.949 --> 00:41:17.409 sand with that behavior. I'm the one who kept 00:41:17.409 --> 00:41:20.110 running back to a friendship that I knew had 00:41:20.110 --> 00:41:23.670 toxic elements. So why would I be mad at John 00:41:23.670 --> 00:41:26.250 when I'm the one who ignored my intuition about 00:41:26.250 --> 00:41:29.190 this friendship for all these years? So the conclusion 00:41:29.190 --> 00:41:33.670 I came to was better late than never. Better 00:41:33.670 --> 00:41:36.369 late than never. This is a friendship that has 00:41:36.369 --> 00:41:40.130 long run its course. For whatever reason and 00:41:40.130 --> 00:41:43.610 I hate it. I hate it this way But John and I 00:41:43.610 --> 00:41:46.929 just don't mesh well together as adults. We just 00:41:46.929 --> 00:41:51.630 don't I Wish we did but you know, we were great 00:41:51.630 --> 00:41:54.690 as childhood best friends But unfortunately that 00:41:54.690 --> 00:41:57.570 was just never able to transition into anything 00:41:57.570 --> 00:42:01.630 sustainable And into a healthy friendship in 00:42:01.630 --> 00:42:04.530 our adulthood Does that make either one of us 00:42:04.530 --> 00:42:07.369 terrible people? No, absolutely not. It just 00:42:07.369 --> 00:42:11.820 means We had our time. We had our season. And 00:42:11.820 --> 00:42:15.099 now we both need to move on. So after I had a 00:42:15.099 --> 00:42:17.099 chance to think about this, I sent him an email. 00:42:17.119 --> 00:42:20.019 I don't know if I have time to read it, but I'll 00:42:20.019 --> 00:42:22.179 read you what I sent. This was on April 26th. 00:42:22.179 --> 00:42:24.780 I said, I decided to cancel your appearance on 00:42:24.780 --> 00:42:28.460 May 7th. Why should you be invited as a guest 00:42:28.460 --> 00:42:31.460 on a show that you never once supported? Every 00:42:31.460 --> 00:42:33.539 time I've mentioned the show to you or sent you 00:42:33.539 --> 00:42:36.969 a link, you've never supported once. This last 00:42:36.969 --> 00:42:40.070 email I sent you about it, you didn't even respond. 00:42:40.750 --> 00:42:43.489 But had I sent you an email talking about nonsense 00:42:43.489 --> 00:42:46.690 or a movie quote, I would have probably gotten 00:42:46.690 --> 00:42:49.610 a response from you right away. That's that side 00:42:49.610 --> 00:42:51.710 of you that has always bothered me. It's like 00:42:51.710 --> 00:42:55.250 you're half hater, half friend. Hashtag Gemini. 00:42:55.929 --> 00:42:58.110 I just don't have the stomach for friendships 00:42:58.110 --> 00:43:02.630 like this. Either be all in or all out. Tired 00:43:02.630 --> 00:43:05.460 of this awkward dance between us. Let's just 00:43:05.460 --> 00:43:08.840 love each other from afar and enjoy life and 00:43:08.840 --> 00:43:12.099 the memories we had when we were younger. And 00:43:12.099 --> 00:43:14.000 John sent a response. He sent one later on that 00:43:14.000 --> 00:43:17.059 day. I'll quickly read his. He says, Andre, I'm 00:43:17.059 --> 00:43:20.079 sorry to hear you feel that way. I value our 00:43:20.079 --> 00:43:22.280 friendship and I'm disappointed that you feel 00:43:22.280 --> 00:43:24.780 that way. I even mentioned weeks ago that I subscribed 00:43:24.780 --> 00:43:27.480 to your podcast on YouTube. I hate when people 00:43:27.480 --> 00:43:29.880 call it a podcast. It's a radio show, but nonetheless. 00:43:31.159 --> 00:43:33.239 We didn't talk for about one and a half years 00:43:33.239 --> 00:43:35.920 after completing your schooling due to our disagreement. 00:43:36.619 --> 00:43:39.079 I was listening to it prior and mentioned it 00:43:39.079 --> 00:43:40.940 even when you were on as a guest for another 00:43:40.940 --> 00:43:44.099 person when you first got into podcasting. So 00:43:44.099 --> 00:43:46.219 please don't tell me I've never supported you. 00:43:46.619 --> 00:43:49.059 With the way we have been the last several years, 00:43:49.559 --> 00:43:52.179 it's almost we have to start over from scratch 00:43:52.179 --> 00:43:55.179 each time we have a falling out. In most cases, 00:43:55.179 --> 00:43:57.760 it takes months to a year for that to even happen. 00:43:58.119 --> 00:44:00.710 If you really want to say that I'm a Hater, half 00:44:00.710 --> 00:44:03.010 -friend, think about this long at heart. Who 00:44:03.010 --> 00:44:05.329 has always been in your corner? Even when you 00:44:05.329 --> 00:44:08.309 have done things I didn't agree with, me, John 00:44:08.309 --> 00:44:10.690 Murray. Even when you sent that letter to Roro 00:44:10.690 --> 00:44:13.309 that could have destroyed my family but I forgave 00:44:13.309 --> 00:44:16.389 you. Even when you told me you were gay, I still 00:44:16.389 --> 00:44:18.869 supported you with all my heart, regardless of 00:44:18.869 --> 00:44:21.349 what anyone said. Look at all the friendships 00:44:21.349 --> 00:44:24.309 you've had in the past. Who has stuck around 00:44:24.309 --> 00:44:27.840 for you all through the drama? In my past, I've 00:44:27.840 --> 00:44:30.280 had to turn the other cheek many times from things, 00:44:30.719 --> 00:44:33.760 but I was like, this is my little brother. So 00:44:33.760 --> 00:44:35.480 if you feel that way, it's because you've felt 00:44:35.480 --> 00:44:38.260 that way for a long time. I don't want you to 00:44:38.260 --> 00:44:40.239 feel like you have to have a stomach for friendships 00:44:40.239 --> 00:44:42.719 like this. Sometimes you have to tell people 00:44:42.719 --> 00:44:46.519 how you feel versus not saying anything so understanding 00:44:46.519 --> 00:44:50.400 can be reached. Be well, John. Okay, that's fine. 00:44:50.780 --> 00:44:54.539 So what I get from this exchange is that we both 00:44:54.539 --> 00:44:57.030 got love for each other. We have a lot of history 00:44:57.030 --> 00:45:01.849 together, but we have very different emotional 00:45:01.849 --> 00:45:04.110 needs and expectations where friendships are 00:45:04.110 --> 00:45:08.070 concerned. Both of us have valid feelings, but 00:45:08.070 --> 00:45:11.429 it seems like we're operating from two completely 00:45:11.429 --> 00:45:16.909 different emotional frameworks. For me, I've 00:45:16.909 --> 00:45:20.750 reached a place in my life where reciprocity 00:45:20.750 --> 00:45:23.710 matters. I value friendships that are balanced 00:45:23.710 --> 00:45:27.989 or that feel balanced. and we have a mutual support. 00:45:28.269 --> 00:45:31.170 We have a genuine enthusiasm for each other's 00:45:31.170 --> 00:45:36.730 growth. And that emotional investment that doesn't 00:45:36.730 --> 00:45:38.769 leave me questioning where I stand with you. 00:45:39.030 --> 00:45:43.469 I want people around me that show up 100%, not 00:45:43.469 --> 00:45:46.409 half -hearted, not halfway, not half -ass, not 00:45:46.409 --> 00:45:48.769 when it's convenient, not out of guilt, not out 00:45:48.769 --> 00:45:52.170 of habit, just consistent with clarity and with 00:45:52.170 --> 00:45:56.289 intention. Well, I think about John's email. 00:45:56.289 --> 00:45:59.250 I read it. I understand he's operating from his 00:45:59.250 --> 00:46:05.289 own emotional framework. I guess he feels like 00:46:05.289 --> 00:46:08.150 loyalty, his loyalty over time, all the time 00:46:08.150 --> 00:46:10.409 that we have in our friendship should count for 00:46:10.409 --> 00:46:14.210 something. From his perspective, he's been there 00:46:14.210 --> 00:46:16.949 for me through major life moments and through 00:46:16.949 --> 00:46:20.969 my coming out and the past conflicts we've had 00:46:20.969 --> 00:46:25.599 and all of that. And to him, He I guess he feels 00:46:25.599 --> 00:46:27.800 like that long -standing loyalty should grant 00:46:27.800 --> 00:46:32.099 him like a permanent grace Like a like a lifelong 00:46:32.099 --> 00:46:35.860 pass, you know, even if his current actions aren't 00:46:35.860 --> 00:46:40.760 in line with what I need In his mind it feels 00:46:40.760 --> 00:46:46.880 like I'm being supportive, you know I guess support 00:46:46.880 --> 00:46:49.980 for him doesn't look like a constant engagement 00:46:49.980 --> 00:46:53.099 and Outward celebration all the things I like 00:46:54.840 --> 00:46:58.639 Being there quietly should be enough. And, you 00:46:58.639 --> 00:47:01.380 know, honestly, I get that. I really do. I don't 00:47:01.380 --> 00:47:04.639 think he's being malicious or intentionally dismissive. 00:47:04.699 --> 00:47:07.780 I just think we've grown into two different people 00:47:07.780 --> 00:47:11.619 with just two different definitions of what friendship 00:47:11.619 --> 00:47:14.059 looks like. And that's really the heart of it. 00:47:14.119 --> 00:47:17.739 So it's not about malice. It's just about misalignment. 00:47:18.260 --> 00:47:22.239 We just don't define support the same way, you 00:47:22.239 --> 00:47:26.820 know? A lot of times, growth is going to mean 00:47:26.820 --> 00:47:30.559 that relationships are going to outgrow their 00:47:30.559 --> 00:47:33.800 original shape and their original form. And sometimes, 00:47:33.880 --> 00:47:38.400 no matter how much history you have or how much 00:47:38.400 --> 00:47:41.860 you try to contort yourself into a friendship 00:47:41.860 --> 00:47:45.039 that isn't working, sometimes evolution is just 00:47:45.039 --> 00:47:48.260 going to lead you down different paths. So that 00:47:48.260 --> 00:47:52.619 can be painful. It doesn't feel good, but it's 00:47:52.619 --> 00:47:55.500 also freeing, you know, because, you know, as 00:47:55.500 --> 00:47:58.800 I move on, I'm going to honor what we had, but 00:47:58.800 --> 00:48:01.380 I'm also honoring the fact that I need to move 00:48:01.380 --> 00:48:04.739 forward. So I'm sort of using this moment, this 00:48:04.739 --> 00:48:07.300 story as a mirror, not just for me, but hopefully 00:48:07.300 --> 00:48:10.360 for you too, because maybe you have a John in 00:48:10.360 --> 00:48:16.239 your life too, you know. Don't know we we have 00:48:16.239 --> 00:48:19.139 our decades of history. We laugh and cried all 00:48:19.139 --> 00:48:22.400 of that supporting you support each other so 00:48:22.400 --> 00:48:26.340 the love was real, but Like I said what I've 00:48:26.340 --> 00:48:28.400 come to realize is that history alone. Just isn't 00:48:28.400 --> 00:48:31.699 gonna be enough to sustain any type of meaningful 00:48:31.699 --> 00:48:34.239 friendship you know our emotional needs are just 00:48:34.239 --> 00:48:37.400 too different and Expectations just aren't lining 00:48:37.400 --> 00:48:40.599 up so neither one of us are wrong really to be 00:48:40.599 --> 00:48:43.739 real about it. We just defined friendship differently 00:48:43.739 --> 00:48:50.880 now than we did when we were younger. And that's 00:48:50.880 --> 00:48:52.579 what I want you to take away from today's show, 00:48:52.599 --> 00:48:55.960 really. If people will show up in your life based 00:48:55.960 --> 00:49:00.219 on their idea of what love is, what loyalty is, 00:49:00.420 --> 00:49:03.460 what friendship is. But the real question is, 00:49:03.579 --> 00:49:08.679 does that match your needs today? Sometimes we 00:49:08.679 --> 00:49:12.349 don't realize how different our The definition 00:49:12.349 --> 00:49:15.349 of support is from other people. And if you're 00:49:15.349 --> 00:49:17.789 not careful, you're going to keep making excuses 00:49:17.789 --> 00:49:20.730 for people's behavior based on who they used 00:49:20.730 --> 00:49:22.510 to be and the standing that they used to have 00:49:22.510 --> 00:49:27.369 in your life. For me, this final straw wasn't 00:49:27.369 --> 00:49:30.130 like a one big betrayal. It just was the weight 00:49:30.130 --> 00:49:33.130 of a lot of small moments and missed opportunities 00:49:33.130 --> 00:49:37.289 for him to show up and support or just simply 00:49:37.289 --> 00:49:40.889 respond. You know, too many times I felt unseen 00:49:40.889 --> 00:49:45.150 and undervalued and just sort of dismissed. And 00:49:45.150 --> 00:49:47.769 I'm not really into, at this point in my life, 00:49:47.969 --> 00:49:52.789 lowering the bar to accommodate someone who just 00:49:52.789 --> 00:49:55.429 doesn't have the capacity of meeting me where 00:49:55.429 --> 00:49:59.250 I am today. So here are the teaching moments 00:49:59.250 --> 00:50:02.429 here. And I really want you to take note of this. 00:50:02.449 --> 00:50:05.050 Just because someone's been in your life forever, 00:50:05.710 --> 00:50:08.349 It doesn't necessarily mean that they fit into 00:50:08.349 --> 00:50:11.929 your future. And just because someone loves you, 00:50:12.070 --> 00:50:14.269 don't mean they know how to love you, how to 00:50:14.269 --> 00:50:17.949 support you. And just because you've forgiven 00:50:17.949 --> 00:50:21.369 the past, you don't have to ignore what's happening 00:50:21.369 --> 00:50:25.489 right now in the present. Okay? So this is not 00:50:25.489 --> 00:50:28.309 about bitterness. It's about, you know, establishing 00:50:28.309 --> 00:50:32.250 boundaries. It's about recognizing when a relationship 00:50:32.250 --> 00:50:35.880 has sort of shifted. and has run its course. 00:50:35.940 --> 00:50:38.659 And it's gone from being something enjoyable 00:50:38.659 --> 00:50:41.519 to something draining. And it's about acknowledging 00:50:41.519 --> 00:50:44.519 when the friendship has become more one -sided 00:50:44.519 --> 00:50:47.159 than anything else. And it's not reflecting the 00:50:47.159 --> 00:50:49.679 growth that you worked really hard to achieve 00:50:49.679 --> 00:50:53.159 in your life. So as we close out today's show, 00:50:53.159 --> 00:50:55.619 I'm going to invite you to take inventory of 00:50:55.619 --> 00:50:57.420 your friendships. Because I know I'm not the 00:50:57.420 --> 00:51:00.219 only one going through something like this. We 00:51:00.219 --> 00:51:05.550 all have various... ways that we are experiencing 00:51:05.550 --> 00:51:07.949 the same thing. So I just want you to ask yourself 00:51:07.949 --> 00:51:11.489 this as we close out. Am I holding onto friendships 00:51:11.489 --> 00:51:16.309 out of guilt or obligation? Do I feel celebrated 00:51:16.309 --> 00:51:18.849 by this person, by this friend, or do I just 00:51:18.849 --> 00:51:23.130 feel tolerated? Am I showing up fully in this 00:51:23.130 --> 00:51:26.150 friendship, this relationship, while they continue 00:51:26.150 --> 00:51:30.239 to show up halfway? Think about that. And if 00:51:30.239 --> 00:51:32.079 the answer to those questions leaves you feeling 00:51:32.079 --> 00:51:37.019 in any way unsettled, it may be time to reevaluate 00:51:37.019 --> 00:51:40.099 some things. And I'm here to tell you that's 00:51:40.099 --> 00:51:42.739 perfectly fine. It's okay. It doesn't mean you 00:51:42.739 --> 00:51:44.380 hate them. It doesn't mean that you're being 00:51:44.380 --> 00:51:46.900 petty or spiteful. None of that. It just means 00:51:46.900 --> 00:51:50.980 you're choosing alignment and peace and self 00:51:50.980 --> 00:51:53.139 -respect. And sometimes that means loving people 00:51:53.139 --> 00:51:56.510 from a distance. And that's where I landed things 00:51:56.510 --> 00:51:58.489 with John. I don't have any malice towards him. 00:51:58.489 --> 00:52:01.170 I'm not angry at him. I'm not trying to erase 00:52:01.170 --> 00:52:04.409 the memories and the good times we shared. None 00:52:04.409 --> 00:52:07.250 of that. But I've learned that peace sometimes 00:52:07.250 --> 00:52:11.730 requires distance. And closure is an inside job. 00:52:11.809 --> 00:52:14.570 I mentioned that on a show long ago. You know, 00:52:14.610 --> 00:52:16.690 the other person is not always going to agree 00:52:16.690 --> 00:52:21.510 or understand your decision. But sometimes closure 00:52:21.510 --> 00:52:24.840 is just you choosing yourself. and standing in 00:52:24.840 --> 00:52:27.099 that decision. So I want you to leave with something 00:52:27.099 --> 00:52:32.719 that took me a lot of years to learn. You are 00:52:32.719 --> 00:52:34.599 not obligated to keep people in your life just 00:52:34.599 --> 00:52:38.619 because they've been there for a long time. Longevity 00:52:38.619 --> 00:52:41.300 doesn't equal loyalty. And love, when it's real 00:52:41.300 --> 00:52:43.539 love, it's never going to make you question your 00:52:43.539 --> 00:52:48.760 worth, your value, or your voice. Okay? So let 00:52:48.760 --> 00:52:51.760 this be your confirmation to evaluate your circle. 00:52:52.099 --> 00:52:55.760 And if something or someone feels off, then trust 00:52:55.760 --> 00:52:58.300 that feeling. Because you deserve to be surrounded 00:52:58.300 --> 00:53:01.579 by people who see you, who support you, who celebrate 00:53:01.579 --> 00:53:05.159 you, not people who want to keep you tethered 00:53:05.159 --> 00:53:07.900 to who you used to be. So if you've got to let 00:53:07.900 --> 00:53:10.699 some people go, let them go. Let them go in peace. 00:53:10.960 --> 00:53:14.199 Let them go with love and with maturity. But 00:53:14.199 --> 00:53:16.199 nonetheless, let them go if they're holding you 00:53:16.199 --> 00:53:19.159 hostage. All right, we're at the end of our show 00:53:19.159 --> 00:53:21.340 for today. I really want to thank you guys for 00:53:21.340 --> 00:53:23.179 spending the hour with me and listening to this 00:53:23.179 --> 00:53:25.460 personal story that I hope you were able to take 00:53:25.460 --> 00:53:29.360 something away from. If you were, please share 00:53:29.360 --> 00:53:33.559 this episode once it's archived and send it to 00:53:33.559 --> 00:53:37.000 someone who may need to hear it. Special thanks 00:53:37.000 --> 00:53:40.659 to our sponsor, Amazon Autos. We really like 00:53:40.659 --> 00:53:43.340 that they're making it easier than it ever was 00:53:43.340 --> 00:53:46.260 before to shop for your next car with confidence 00:53:46.260 --> 00:53:48.559 and with convenience. I want you to be sure to 00:53:48.559 --> 00:53:50.840 follow live with Dr. Andre Jerry on social media 00:53:50.840 --> 00:53:54.039 and all major streaming platforms. And be sure 00:53:54.039 --> 00:53:56.719 to join me next Wednesday, same time, 6 p .m. 00:53:56.719 --> 00:53:59.460 Eastern for the next live broadcast of Live with 00:53:59.460 --> 00:54:02.119 Dr. Andre Jerry, exclusively on the Artist First 00:54:02.119 --> 00:54:05.139 Radio Network. Until next time, you guys stay 00:54:05.139 --> 00:54:07.780 grounded, stay grateful, stay growing. I'm Dr. 00:54:07.780 --> 00:54:10.539 Andre Jerry. This is Live with Dr. Andre Jerry, 00:54:10.559 --> 00:54:13.280 and I'll catch you next Wednesday, May 14th, 00:54:13.280 --> 00:54:15.519 at 6 p .m. Eastern. All right, good night, everybody.