WEBVTT 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:03.299 So some retirement subjects are quite difficult 00:00:03.299 --> 00:00:06.400 to talk about, really. They're kind of quite 00:00:06.400 --> 00:00:12.400 personal. Although they are difficult to talk 00:00:12.400 --> 00:00:15.199 about, it probably means they're quite important 00:00:15.199 --> 00:00:19.160 to talk about as well. So today, we'll talk about 00:00:19.160 --> 00:00:22.379 grandparents. It's a whole new world. It's a 00:00:22.379 --> 00:00:26.239 different generation. It's a different set of 00:00:26.239 --> 00:00:31.789 rules as well. We're here in retirement because 00:00:31.789 --> 00:00:36.409 we want to enjoy some hard -earned freedom. But 00:00:36.409 --> 00:00:39.770 we know that at the same time, we might have 00:00:39.770 --> 00:00:43.609 these little people, grandchildren, who we love 00:00:43.609 --> 00:00:47.909 to bits and we want to leave a real legacy for 00:00:47.909 --> 00:00:52.310 them. The question is, can we find a balance? 00:00:52.750 --> 00:00:56.869 Now that desire to help, to be involved, to... 00:00:57.340 --> 00:01:01.000 shape our grandchildren's lives versus the need 00:01:01.000 --> 00:01:03.880 to protect our own well -being our own energy 00:01:03.880 --> 00:01:09.000 and our own right to finally finally put ourselves 00:01:09.000 --> 00:01:18.060 first say our generation many of us at least 00:01:18.060 --> 00:01:21.239 we grew up with a different model of grandparents 00:01:21.239 --> 00:01:27.180 and often It was more expected, more ingrained. 00:01:27.379 --> 00:01:30.500 The grandparent role was almost fixed. You were 00:01:30.500 --> 00:01:33.939 the wise elder, the provider of comforts, perhaps 00:01:33.939 --> 00:01:37.019 the source of occasional discipline, but you 00:01:37.019 --> 00:01:41.560 were fundamentally always available. Now, the 00:01:41.560 --> 00:01:46.680 world is now a much faster place. Both parents 00:01:46.680 --> 00:01:51.640 often work. Now, there's more pressure, more 00:01:51.640 --> 00:01:55.510 noise. And sometimes the roles become blurred. 00:01:55.790 --> 00:01:59.650 Now, we want to help. We really do want to help. 00:01:59.709 --> 00:02:04.969 We want to see our children under less pressure. 00:02:05.010 --> 00:02:08.849 We want to take some of the load off. We want 00:02:08.849 --> 00:02:11.530 to see those beautiful, innocent little faces. 00:02:11.729 --> 00:02:15.110 And we want to give them everything that we didn't 00:02:15.110 --> 00:02:19.069 have time for to give potentially our own kids. 00:02:19.289 --> 00:02:22.659 But let's be honest. Is that the right thing 00:02:22.659 --> 00:02:25.020 to do? Because you know what? At the end of the 00:02:25.020 --> 00:02:34.620 day, grandparenting is bloody hard work. I remember 00:02:34.620 --> 00:02:38.280 not too long ago visiting a friend who was spending 00:02:38.280 --> 00:02:41.560 a whole weekend with his two grandkids. Now, 00:02:41.639 --> 00:02:45.560 they were absolute bundles of energy. By Sunday 00:02:45.560 --> 00:02:49.159 afternoon, he was absolutely knackered. I mean, 00:02:49.159 --> 00:02:51.300 he loved them more than words can say. You could 00:02:51.300 --> 00:02:54.139 really see that in the way that he was interacting 00:02:54.139 --> 00:02:57.580 with them. But he needed a full day to recover 00:02:57.580 --> 00:03:00.280 from the joy of their company. And that's the 00:03:00.280 --> 00:03:03.560 reality. We are older. We don't have the same 00:03:03.560 --> 00:03:07.520 stamina as we did when we were younger. We've 00:03:07.520 --> 00:03:10.500 got our own aches and pains and our own health 00:03:10.500 --> 00:03:13.819 concerns. And, yeah, our own passions and desires 00:03:13.819 --> 00:03:16.620 as well. We've worked all our lives and we've... 00:03:17.020 --> 00:03:19.539 And the right to go on that walking holiday to 00:03:19.539 --> 00:03:22.580 finish that book or simply sit in the garden 00:03:22.580 --> 00:03:24.900 with a cup of tea and do absolutely nothing for 00:03:24.900 --> 00:03:29.080 an entire afternoon. Wouldn't that be nice? Now 00:03:29.080 --> 00:03:33.120 this tension, this constant internal debate. 00:03:33.960 --> 00:03:37.539 Do I say yes to babysitting this weekend when 00:03:37.539 --> 00:03:39.680 what I really want to do is meet up with an old 00:03:39.680 --> 00:03:42.659 mate? Am I doing too much? Am I doing enough? 00:03:43.460 --> 00:03:46.590 It really is difficult to judge. The old script 00:03:46.590 --> 00:03:53.009 doesn't work anymore. So let's break it down. 00:03:53.750 --> 00:03:58.090 The legacy. What does that actually mean? Now, 00:03:58.110 --> 00:04:00.870 for a lot of people, legacy is about property, 00:04:01.090 --> 00:04:04.090 it's about inheritance, it's about setting their 00:04:04.090 --> 00:04:06.870 grandkids up financially. And that's important, 00:04:07.009 --> 00:04:09.949 of course it is. We all want the best for them. 00:04:10.050 --> 00:04:14.009 But is that the true legacy? Think back to your 00:04:14.009 --> 00:04:17.649 grandparents. Is that the legacy you think's 00:04:17.649 --> 00:04:21.970 important from them? Now, in my view, the real 00:04:21.970 --> 00:04:25.230 legacy we can leave isn't what's left in our 00:04:25.230 --> 00:04:29.129 bank account. It's what's in the hearts and minds 00:04:29.129 --> 00:04:33.470 of the people we meet. It's the values we share, 00:04:33.670 --> 00:04:36.970 the stories we tell, that unconditional love 00:04:36.970 --> 00:04:41.500 and the support and time that we give. It's about 00:04:41.500 --> 00:04:45.480 the hours spent on a rainy afternoon, not just 00:04:45.480 --> 00:04:48.199 on an expensive holiday. It's about teaching 00:04:48.199 --> 00:04:52.000 them how to mend something, how to look after 00:04:52.000 --> 00:04:54.860 the garden, how to treat others with respect. 00:04:54.959 --> 00:04:58.540 It's also about listening to their small problems 00:04:58.540 --> 00:05:01.360 with the same importance, as if they were like 00:05:01.360 --> 00:05:06.819 major crises. Well, this kind of legacy takes 00:05:06.819 --> 00:05:13.220 time, and it takes presence. But it doesn't mean 00:05:13.220 --> 00:05:17.439 being a constant physical presence or caregiver. 00:05:18.459 --> 00:05:21.980 We can leave a legacy of independence by showing 00:05:21.980 --> 00:05:25.040 them that we have our own fulfilling lives. We 00:05:25.040 --> 00:05:28.600 can leave a legacy of curiosity by continuing 00:05:28.600 --> 00:05:32.259 to learn and explore. We can leave a legacy of 00:05:32.259 --> 00:05:35.959 resilience by being honest about our own challenges 00:05:35.959 --> 00:05:40.079 and how we face them. Then there's part two, 00:05:40.120 --> 00:05:43.279 the liberty. And this is the part that we often 00:05:43.279 --> 00:05:46.480 feel most guilty about. But it is really important 00:05:46.480 --> 00:05:49.959 to think about and to talk about. Your retirement, 00:05:50.060 --> 00:05:53.600 your freedom, it's not an indulgent reward. It's 00:05:53.600 --> 00:05:56.480 an essential part of your health and your well 00:05:56.480 --> 00:05:59.160 -being. When we get on a plane, we see the safety 00:05:59.160 --> 00:06:01.540 instructions, don't we? And it says to put on 00:06:01.540 --> 00:06:05.120 your own oxygen mask before you can help anyone 00:06:05.120 --> 00:06:08.339 else. Now, if you were burned out, exhausted, 00:06:08.970 --> 00:06:11.290 and resentful because you're doing too much you're 00:06:11.290 --> 00:06:14.189 not going to be the source of joy and wisdom 00:06:14.189 --> 00:06:18.829 that people want to be with your grandchildren 00:06:18.829 --> 00:06:22.430 need you happy they need you rested and they 00:06:22.430 --> 00:06:28.009 need you to be you so how do we find this elusive 00:06:28.009 --> 00:06:34.089 balance how do we have the legacy and the liberty 00:06:40.839 --> 00:06:42.959 So here are my thoughts for what they're worth. 00:06:44.079 --> 00:06:47.939 Communication, as always, is key. This is a big 00:06:47.939 --> 00:06:51.819 one. Have open, honest, and sometimes difficult 00:06:51.819 --> 00:06:54.819 conversations with your own children. They're 00:06:54.819 --> 00:07:00.199 the parents now. They set the rules. How about 00:07:00.199 --> 00:07:03.240 saying, look, we want to help you. Tell us what 00:07:03.240 --> 00:07:10.149 you need specifically. But then add. We love 00:07:10.149 --> 00:07:13.269 seeing the kids, but we also have our own commitments. 00:07:14.110 --> 00:07:17.709 This weekend we're actually busy. How about next 00:07:17.709 --> 00:07:21.910 Tuesday afternoon instead? It's about managing 00:07:21.910 --> 00:07:25.209 expectations. Your children may be struggling 00:07:25.209 --> 00:07:28.089 and they might assume that you're always available. 00:07:28.290 --> 00:07:33.069 But you need to politely but firmly ensure that 00:07:33.069 --> 00:07:42.839 they know that's not always the case. Now, I 00:07:42.839 --> 00:07:46.899 want to address the elephants in the room. Necessity 00:07:46.899 --> 00:07:52.120 versus lifestyle. Now, this is a bit sensitive. 00:07:53.339 --> 00:07:56.500 It's a bit of a thorny issue. We often hear from 00:07:56.500 --> 00:07:59.560 our children, they're the parents of these grandkids, 00:07:59.660 --> 00:08:03.000 that they have to work these long hours. They'll 00:08:03.000 --> 00:08:05.259 say, mum, dad, we've got no choice. We've got 00:08:05.259 --> 00:08:07.259 the mortgage, we've got the bills, we're underwater. 00:08:08.740 --> 00:08:11.860 Look. For many families in this day and age, 00:08:12.079 --> 00:08:19.300 that's true. Life is expensive, but here's the 00:08:19.300 --> 00:08:23.959 but that might ruffle a few feathers. Sometimes 00:08:23.959 --> 00:08:28.839 we have to look at what those long hours are 00:08:28.839 --> 00:08:32.460 actually buying. Now, if you're being asked to 00:08:32.460 --> 00:08:36.700 provide free childcare three days a week because 00:08:36.700 --> 00:08:41.340 they're struggling, new leased car sitting on 00:08:41.340 --> 00:08:45.539 the driveway or posting photos from a 10 -day 00:08:45.539 --> 00:08:49.600 all -inclusive holiday in Mexico. Well, you need 00:08:49.600 --> 00:08:53.440 to have a very honest look at priorities. There 00:08:53.440 --> 00:08:56.679 is a difference between working to survive and 00:08:56.679 --> 00:09:00.080 working to maintain a certain standard of living. 00:09:00.279 --> 00:09:03.580 Now, if our children are choosing a high -pressure, 00:09:03.580 --> 00:09:07.159 high -spend lifestyle like McQuire's, also to 00:09:07.159 --> 00:09:09.980 sacrifice our hard -earned retirement to make 00:09:09.980 --> 00:09:13.320 it work, then is there something out of balance 00:09:13.320 --> 00:09:17.159 there? It's not just about time. It's about the 00:09:17.159 --> 00:09:19.720 example we're setting for the grandkids. What 00:09:19.720 --> 00:09:22.539 are they learning? Well, I think they could be 00:09:22.539 --> 00:09:26.039 learning that life is a treadmill of earning 00:09:26.039 --> 00:09:29.000 and spending where grandma and granddad are just 00:09:29.000 --> 00:09:32.000 the safety net that allows that treadmill to 00:09:32.000 --> 00:09:35.950 keep going round. It's okay to... gently suggest 00:09:35.950 --> 00:09:38.289 a reality check it's okay to say something like 00:09:38.289 --> 00:09:41.110 you know what i love you love the kids but i'm 00:09:41.110 --> 00:09:43.669 willing to give up my freedom so that you can 00:09:43.669 --> 00:09:46.769 keep up with the joneses maybe it's time to look 00:09:46.769 --> 00:09:50.509 at your outgoings rather than just the child 00:09:50.509 --> 00:09:53.149 care hours now it sounds harsh you know but remember 00:09:53.149 --> 00:09:56.789 your retirement isn't a subsidy for their luxury 00:09:56.789 --> 00:09:59.750 not a true legacy is showing your family that 00:09:59.750 --> 00:10:03.159 time is the most precious currency that we have 00:10:03.159 --> 00:10:06.279 and sometimes you have to trade a shiny new car 00:10:06.279 --> 00:10:09.120 for a quieter life and more time with your own 00:10:09.120 --> 00:10:13.720 children if you want more of your time they may 00:10:13.720 --> 00:10:16.500 need to figure out how to reclaim some of their 00:10:16.500 --> 00:10:20.240 own now next point we'll talk about is quality 00:10:20.240 --> 00:10:23.419 over quantity don't focus on how many hours you 00:10:23.419 --> 00:10:26.740 spend with your grandchildren focus on the value 00:10:26.740 --> 00:10:30.600 of that time instead of being a full -time unpaid 00:10:30.600 --> 00:10:33.590 child mind to be the special event grandparent, 00:10:33.710 --> 00:10:36.490 the one who does the trip to the museum, the 00:10:36.490 --> 00:10:38.450 one who helps with the school project, the one 00:10:38.450 --> 00:10:41.429 who has a sleepover once a month with a hot chocolate 00:10:41.429 --> 00:10:45.649 and a scary film. The relationship isn't built 00:10:45.649 --> 00:10:50.169 on volume of time, but on the intensity of the 00:10:50.169 --> 00:10:53.409 connection. The next thing I want to talk about 00:10:53.409 --> 00:10:58.750 is defining your boundaries. And also respecting 00:10:58.750 --> 00:11:01.779 your own boundaries. If you're... If you've decided 00:11:01.779 --> 00:11:06.120 you only want to do childcare one day a week, 00:11:06.200 --> 00:11:09.259 then stick to it. If you've decided you don't 00:11:09.259 --> 00:11:11.419 do overnight during the working week, then stand 00:11:11.419 --> 00:11:14.700 by the decision. It's not all about being selfish. 00:11:14.759 --> 00:11:18.080 It's about being sustainable. You're building 00:11:18.080 --> 00:11:20.460 a relationship that you want to last for years, 00:11:20.539 --> 00:11:23.960 not just for a season until you collapse from 00:11:23.960 --> 00:11:27.100 exhaustion. And the fourth thing I want to talk 00:11:27.100 --> 00:11:30.529 about is that it's okay to say no. And this is 00:11:30.529 --> 00:11:33.750 the hardest one, the grandparent guilt. It's 00:11:33.750 --> 00:11:36.950 real. You feel like you could be letting people 00:11:36.950 --> 00:11:40.330 down, but saying no to a specific request is 00:11:40.330 --> 00:11:43.610 not a rejection of your grandchildren or your 00:11:43.610 --> 00:11:46.750 children. It's a yes to your own well -being, 00:11:46.750 --> 00:11:49.669 and in the long run, that could be better for 00:11:49.669 --> 00:11:53.909 everyone. Arrested, happy grandparents who can 00:11:53.909 --> 00:11:57.169 say no occasionally is far more valuable than 00:11:57.169 --> 00:12:00.289 an exhausted, resentful one who always, says 00:12:00.289 --> 00:12:05.110 yes. Ultimately, this new role of ours is not 00:12:05.110 --> 00:12:07.990 a job, it's a gift. But like any gift that needs 00:12:07.990 --> 00:12:11.330 to be cherished and managed, the legacy we leave 00:12:11.330 --> 00:12:14.789 isn't written down in a will. It's written down 00:12:14.789 --> 00:12:19.429 in the memories we create, the character we help 00:12:19.429 --> 00:12:23.730 shape, and the examples we set. And the liberty 00:12:23.730 --> 00:12:27.649 we enjoy isn't about running away from our responsibilities. 00:12:27.769 --> 00:12:31.220 It's about... honoring the life that we've actually 00:12:31.220 --> 00:12:35.700 worked for and in doing so showing the new generation 00:12:35.700 --> 00:12:39.679 our full and meaningful life has many different 00:12:39.679 --> 00:12:44.139 chapters so go ahead book the holiday finish 00:12:44.139 --> 00:12:47.679 the books say no to the babysitting once in a 00:12:47.679 --> 00:12:50.799 while and when you are with those grandchildren 00:12:50.799 --> 00:12:55.500 give them your whole happy self now that in my 00:12:55.500 --> 00:13:00.580 opinion is how you truly win this new grandparenting 00:13:00.580 --> 00:13:03.779 game. Well, thanks for watching. And if you found 00:13:03.779 --> 00:13:06.539 this useful, don't forget to hit the subscribe 00:13:06.539 --> 00:13:09.039 button as it really helps the channel. I'd love 00:13:09.039 --> 00:13:12.639 to hear your thoughts on how you find the balance 00:13:12.639 --> 00:13:16.480 between that legacy and liberty. So leave a comment 00:13:16.480 --> 00:13:18.039 below. I'll see you on the next one.