Hey everyone and welcome back.
We're doing something kind of fun today,
taking a deep dive into a recent Dear Prudence column.
Oh, those are always good for a laugh
or at least a healthy dose of it's not just me, right?
Seriously.
Okay, so for anyone who hasn't stumbled upon it before,
Dear Prudence is this advice column
where people write in with their,
shall we say interesting dilemmas
and prudence doles out the wisdom.
It's kind of amazing how these letters
manage to be both incredibly specific
and totally relatable at the same time.
Totally, and this week's badge did not disappoint.
Let's hear it then.
What juicy conundrums are we dissecting today?
So first up, we've got someone wrestling
with a classic question.
Is there actually a difference between loving someone
and being in love?
The age old debate.
I'm guessing this is more than just a philosophical musing
for the letter writer.
You guessed it.
They're feeling a little insecure
because their partner seems hesitant to use the L word
and they're left wondering like,
is this relationship going anywhere real?
It's easy to get caught up in semantics,
but Prudence offers a really practical perspective.
She says, instead of fixating on labels,
focus on the overall health of the relationship.
It's easier said than done, right?
Like how do you measure the health of a relationship?
Is there some kind of universal checklist?
If only it were that simple.
But no, there's not one size fits all rubric.
But that's where some psychological frameworks
can come in handy.
One that's often used to understand love
is Sternberg's triangular theory of love,
which breaks it down into three main components,
intimacy, passion, and commitment.
So it's like a recipe for love.
You need all three ingredients in the right balance.
Exactly.
But just like with any good recipe,
the proportions can change over time.
Meaning?
In the early stages of a relationship,
passion might be the dominant flavor.
You know, all those butterflies and intense attraction.
Then they're.
Right.
But as the relationship matures,
intimacy and commitment often take center stage.
It doesn't necessarily mean the passion fizzles out
completely, but it might transform
into a deeper appreciation for your partner's quirks
or sharing those inside jokes that only you two understand.
So it's not necessarily a bad sign
if those initial sparks aren't like constantly exploding.
Not at all.
In fact, that shift can actually be a sign
that you're moving into a more mature,
sustainable form of love, characterized by mutual trust,
shared values, and that deep sense of partnership.
Which, let's be real, is probably a good thing
if you want a relationship that lasts longer
than a Taylor Swift song, right?
Exactly.
And you know, this makes me think about how
our whole concept of love has evolved over time.
Think about courtly love in medieval times.
All about chivalry and unrequited passion from afar.
Our modern take on romantic love is so different.
100%.
It seems like understanding those different aspects of love,
the intimacy, passion, commitment,
can really help navigate the inevitable ebbs and flows
that come with, well, just being human,
being in a relationship.
It's so true.
It gives you a framework for understanding
what you're experiencing
and what your partner might be experiencing too.
And that kind of understanding is crucial
for navigating those inevitable bumps in the road.
Speaking of navigating relationship hurdles,
this next letter is basically a crash course
in everyone's least favorite, Green Eyed Monster.
Oh, jealousy.
Tell me more.
It's such a universal experience, but still so loaded.
Right.
This person is dealing with a serious case
of the post breakup what ifs,
like scrolling through their ex's Instagram
and just, you know, spiraling.
Ah, the comparison game.
Social media can be brutal for that.
Though to be fair, this was happening even before
we were all posting our highlight reels online.
So true, but what's prudence's take?
How do you deal with that, like, gut punch of,
they're doing great without me?
She emphasizes introspection,
which might be the last thing you feel like doing
when you're in that head space, but it's key.
Instead of just trying to outrun the jealousy,
she says, try to figure out what's fueling it.
What do you mean?
It's like, are you truly jealous of them?
Or is it more about what their
new found happiness says about you?
Are there insecurities bubbling up?
Fear of being alone.
Jealousy is often a symptom of something bigger
going on internally.
Which I guess is where therapy comes in.
Prudence also mentions that.
Absolutely, and not to get too therapy-speak about it,
but cognitive behavioral therapy, or CBT,
can be really helpful for reframing
those negative thought patterns
that jealousy loves to latch onto.
So instead of going down that rabbit hole
of my ex is with someone new, I'm clearly unlovable.
CBT can give you the tools to shift your thinking
to a more, shall we say, helpful place.
Like, okay, it's normal to feel a pang of sadness,
or even, yeah, a bit of jealousy,
but that doesn't mean I'm fundamentally flawed.
It's like you're giving yourself permission
to have those feelings without letting them
completely take over the narrative
you're building in your head.
Exactly, and it's fascinating when you think about
how our approach to these kinds of difficult emotions
has changed over time.
Years ago it was much more of a just stuff it down mentality.
Oh, 100%, like slap on a smile and tell everyone you're fine,
even if you're internally screaming.
Right, but thankfully we're starting to recognize
that those messy emotions are part of the deal
of being human.
And maybe sometimes those negative feelings
are trying to tell us something.
Right, exactly, they're not the enemy.
It's more about learning how to listen to them
without letting them call all the shots.
Speaking of learning and growing,
this next letter takes a turn away from romantic relationships
and towards something a lot of people struggle with,
regardless of relationship status,
making friends across generations.
Oh, interesting, what's the dilemma?
I will say, some of my most rewarding friendships
are with people who are way older or younger than me.
Me too, it's so easy to get stuck in our little age bubbles,
but this person is feeling like,
how do you actually make those connections?
Like, where do you even start if your social circle
is basically a carbon copy
of your high school graduating class?
That's so real, I think a lot of us can relate to that.
Yeah, it's like you can meet people online,
but actually forming those real life bonds as adults
can feel impossible sometimes.
Totally, and it's especially tough
when you feel like you're limited to people your own age.
Right, which, thank goodness Prudence
does not subscribe to that kind of thinking.
What's her advice for this letter writer?
How do we break out of our age segregated routines
and actually meet people?
Well, she gives some pretty practical tips,
like think about activities
where you might naturally encounter people
from different generations, you know?
Volunteering, taking a class,
even just joining a club related to your hobbies.
That makes a lot of sense.
It's like you're automatically bonding
over a shared interest
instead of trying to force a connection based on age,
which let's be honest is kind of a weird thing
to base a friendship on anyway.
Totally, it's like, hey,
we both have a passion for pottery
and also happen to have been born a few decades apart,
wanna be friends.
Right, much better to bond over the clay
and let the rest work itself out naturally.
100%, plus there's something about being around people
who are in different life stages
that just broadens your perspective, you know?
Absolutely, and there's even a name for that,
it's called social capital.
It's the idea that having a diverse network
of relationships isn't just like a fun thing to do,
it actually has real value and impacts our wellbeing.
It's like your social circle isn't just about
how many Facebook friends you have,
it's about having those genuine connections
that enrich your life in meaningful ways.
Exactly, it's the quality over quantity
and there's actually a ton of research to back this up.
Yeah, for real.
The National Institute on Aging
has done some fascinating work
showing that strong social connections
are linked to better mental and physical health,
especially as we age.
Which makes sense when you think about
how important community has always been throughout history.
So true, think about like multi-generational households
or communities where people of different ages
were constantly interacting,
it wasn't some novel concept.
Exactly, it was just woven into the fabric
of everyday life.
It's like somewhere along the way,
we decided to compartmentalize by age
and I think we've lost something in that process.
For sure.
Okay, so we've covered love, we've explored jealousy,
we've even ventured into the land
of intergenerational friendships.
Ready to tackle one more letter before we wrap things up?
Bring it on, I'm ready for another dose
of prudence's wisdom.
Okay, this last one is timely to say the least
and something I think a lot of us
are grappling with these days.
How do you deal with those politically charged
family arguments, you know, when your aunt starts ranting
about those people at Thanksgiving dinner?
Ooh, that's a tough one.
Family gatherings can be a minefield,
especially now when it feels like everyone has an opinion
they're just dying to share.
Totally, and this letter writer is specifically asking
for advice on how to handle a relative whose views are,
shall we say, a bit on the extreme side.
So what does prudence recommend?
How do you even begin to bridge that kind of divide
when it feels like the stakes are so high?
Well, she had a suggestion that I definitely
wasn't expecting.
She said, and I quote,
get your phone out and start filming.
That's TikTok gold right there.
Chuckles.
OK, I mean, she's not wrong about the TikTok potential,
but I'm guessing that's not her actual advice.
Definitely not.
I think the point she was trying to make more subtly
is that sometimes you just have to laugh to keep from crying.
Oh, for sure.
Humor can be a lifesaver in those situations.
Yeah.
But I'm guessing there's a deeper message here too, right?
It's not just about cracking jokes at your family's expense.
Exactly.
It's about recognizing that you can't always
control what other people say or believe,
but you can control how you react to it.
It's about setting boundaries.
Right.
You can love your family without signing up
to be their personal therapist or debate opponent
every time you see them.
Exactly.
And sometimes that means opting out of certain conversations
or just agreeing to disagree and focusing on, I don't know,
the delicious food instead of the political climate.
Which, let's be real, is probably a better use
of everyone's energy anyway.
100%.
And this idea of setting boundaries,
it's not just good advice for navigating political debates
with your uncle.
It's a life skill, really.
Oh, absolutely.
Learning to communicate your needs and limits
is essential for any healthy relationship,
whether it's with your partner, your family, your friends,
even your coworkers.
It's about respecting yourself and respecting others enough
to say, hey, this topic is off limits,
or I need a break from this conversation.
And you know what?
Sometimes that's the most loving thing
you can do for yourself and for the other person.
100%.
Yeah.
And on that note of self-respect and healthy boundaries,
we're going to wrap up this deep dive into dear prudence.
Always a wild ride with prudence, am I right?
Truly.
Yeah.
But you know what?
As much fun as we have dissecting these letters,
I think the real takeaway here is
that we all have our own inner dear prudence,
that voice of wisdom and compassion,
if we just take the time to listen to it.
I love that.
It's like prudence always says, you are not
required to set yourself on fire to keep others warm.
Words to live by, for sure.
Amen to that.
All right, everyone, thanks for joining us
on this dear prudence adventure.
Remember, you can find her column over on Slate's website,
and she publishes new advice all the time.
So there's always something new to unpack.
And who knows?
Maybe you'll be inspired to write in with your own dilemma.
Though maybe keep those TikTok-worthy family rants
for the dinner table.
Probably for the best.
All right, on that note, we'll catch you
all on our next deep dive.
Until then, take care and keep those boundaries strong.