Okay, so we're diving into this relationship advice
you've been wanting to unpack.
Sounds good to me.
Looks like we've got articles summarizing.
The latest tips and tricks.
Yeah, like the best stuff out there right now.
Right.
And we even have some stuff from
Ooh, let me guess.
The New York Times.
Oh, fancy.
I know, right? Uh-huh.
But you know what really stood out to me in all of this?
Apologies and intimacy.
Really? Yeah.
Interesting.
Like those two things sound completely different,
but apparently they're like the secret sauce
to amazing relationships.
You know what's so fascinating to me about those two?
They really come down to the same skillset.
Oh, how so?
Because it doesn't matter if you're saying,
I'm so sorry, or this is what I need.
It all comes down to being open and honest,
you know, being vulnerable.
Yeah, for sure.
Yeah. And honestly,
who hasn't completely messed up an apology?
Ooh, tell me about it.
I know I've been guilty of pulling that.
I'm sorry, B-U-T.
Which we all know isn't a real apology at all.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
It's like we're trying to make ourselves feel better
about messing up instead of actually taking responsibility
for how it affected the other person.
Yeah. Yeah.
It's so true.
It's like we're trying to protect ourselves
instead of actually showing up for the other person.
Exactly. Yeah.
Which is where I think Lisa Leopold's work is so helpful.
Oh, yes, I've heard of her.
She has this whole six-step process
for something she calls a satisfying apology.
What a satisfying apology, okay.
It sounds way more intense than just saying, my bad.
It does.
It makes you realize there's a lot more to it
than just those two words.
Yeah. It's about going deeper,
taking your time instead of just rushing through it.
Yeah, definitely.
And you know what I find interesting?
It all starts with something so small, but so powerful.
What's that? Using I statements.
Oh, interesting.
Yeah. You know,
I used to think that was just like semantics.
Right, like who cares?
Yeah, like who cares if I say, I'm sorry, I'm late,
versus sorry, I was late.
Exactly, what's the big deal?
But now I'm realizing it actually subtly changes things.
It totally does, because one is just stating a fact,
you know?
The other one is you taking ownership.
Oh, okay.
It really shows that you're present in the situation,
you're present with them, not just like, you know,
brushing it off.
Oh, I like that. Yeah.
That makes a lot of sense.
Think about it this way.
Okay.
Imagine you totally forgot a friend's birthday.
Oh, the worst.
Right, the worst.
The worst.
Saying like, sorry, I forgot, sounds way different than,
I am so incredibly sorry I forgot your birthday.
Oh, wow, yeah.
You know, you can hear the difference.
Totally. Yeah.
So it's about actually acknowledging that you messed up.
Yes, exactly. You're owning it.
Okay, I see what you mean.
Yeah.
But owning up is just the first hurdle
in Leopold's apology bootcamp.
Oh, tell me more, tell me more.
Comes after that.
Well, the next step is accepting responsibility
and then explaining what you did.
Okay.
But here's where it gets tricky.
Okay.
It's not about coming up with excuses for your behavior.
It's about helping the other person understand,
like what was going on in your head,
even if your thought process was totally wrong.
Yeah, that's where I think a lot of people get tripped up.
Totally.
It's so easy for explaining yourself
to become blaming everyone else.
Oh, it's so easy to fall into that trap.
If you're not careful.
Yes. Yeah.
But what's important to the intention behind it, you know?
Think about it this way.
You're rushing to work.
Okay, I can picture it.
And you accidentally spill your coffee all over someone.
But, no.
The worst, I know.
So a justifying explanation might be,
well, I was in such a rush because I totally overslept.
Right.
But if you're focusing on actually taking responsibility,
it might sound a little more like
I was so focused on getting to work
that I wasn't paying attention to anything else.
Oh, yeah.
And I am so sorry I spilled your coffee.
Ooh, that's a really good example.
Right. Do you see the difference?
Totally. Yeah.
Okay, so we've taken responsibility for our actions.
We've explained ourselves without making excuses.
What's next?
Next comes acknowledging the harm you've caused.
Ooh, that's a big one.
This is where empathy really comes in.
It's not enough to just say, I'm messed up.
You have to actually show the other person
that you understand how your actions made them feel.
Because sometimes, even if we didn't mean to,
our actions can still really hurt.
Exactly.
It's like, I know I promised to make dinner tonight,
I'm so sorry that I had to bail at the last minute.
Oh, yeah.
I get that you're bummed about not having a home-cooked meal,
but I also understand that it means
you have to figure something else out
when you're already exhausted from a long day.
Exactly.
You're not just acknowledging what you did wrong,
but you're recognizing what they're going through
because of it.
Right, you're really seeing it from their side.
Exactly.
And that is huge when it comes to rebuilding trust.
Totally, yeah. Yeah.
Okay, this is really insightful.
Good, I'm glad.
But it also makes me realize,
this takes a lot of emotional intelligence.
It really does.
But just like any other skill that's worth having,
it's something we can learn and get better at with practice.
That's a good point.
Yeah.
Like building a muscle.
Yes, exactly.
The more you use it, the stronger it gets.
Okay, so we're halfway through this apology framework.
We are, we're on a roll.
What are those last three steps?
How do we seal the deal?
The home stretch.
Okay, so the last three steps are
promising not to do it again,
actually offering to do something to make it right,
and then asking for forgiveness.
So wait, it's not enough to just say,
like, I'll try to do better next time.
You know, it's a start, but it's not enough.
It's about actually showing that you're committed
to changing, not just saying the words.
Right.
Like think about the difference between saying,
I'm gonna make a real effort to be on time,
and I'll let you know if I'm running late,
versus just, I'll try harder.
Oh yeah.
Like which one feels more sincere?
The first one for sure.
Right, it shows you're serious about it.
Okay, yeah.
We're not just talking the talk, you're walking the walk.
And what about this whole making amends part?
Oh yeah.
Is that where we offer to buy them a peace offering latte?
I mean, a latte is always a good idea.
It's true.
But it's more about recognizing that
just saying sorry isn't always enough, you know.
Actions speak louder than words, right?
It's about asking, what can I do to make this up to you?
Or how can I fix this?
Oh okay, so like a concrete plan.
Exactly.
So let's say you forgot to pick up
your partner's prescription.
Oh that's a good one.
Instead of just saying, oh shoot,
I completely forgot, I'm so sorry.
You'd be like, I am so sorry, I totally messed up.
Okay.
How about I run out first thing tomorrow morning
and grab it, and to make it up to you,
how about I make you that fancy breakfast you love?
Ooh, now that's an apology.
Right.
That shows you're not just sorry for what happened,
but you actually get how it made them feel.
Exactly.
You're not just trying to get off the hook,
you're trying to make things right.
I love that.
Okay, last step, seeking forgiveness.
Yes.
Why is that such a crucial part of this whole thing?
Because you're acknowledging that you can't
force someone to forgive you.
Right.
It takes a lot of vulnerability to say,
I hope you can forgive me,
and it lets them respond authentically.
So it's not about making them forgive you,
it's about giving them the space to decide.
Exactly, it's about respecting their process, you know.
Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.
Yeah.
Man, this is such a good reminder that a genuine apology
is about way more than just saying, I'm sorry.
It really is.
It's about showing up for the other person in a real way.
Okay, but I just realized we've only talked about
one of the topics you mentioned earlier, apologies.
Oh, right.
We still haven't gotten to the other big one
from those articles, intimacy.
We haven't even scratched the surface there.
I know.
But it's interesting because
a lot of the same principles apply.
They really do.
Like that open and honest communication
is just as important for a fulfilling sex life
as it is for anything else in a relationship.
100%.
Which honestly can feel a little intimidating.
Oh, for sure.
I think a lot of people, myself included,
would rather walk across hot coals
than have those kinds of conversations.
Right, like who wants to feel awkward and uncomfortable?
It's the worst.
I know, but that's why I think the work
Jeffrey Ternan is doing is so important.
Oh, tell me more about him.
So he's a therapist who specializes in relationships.
Okay.
And he's all about normalizing these conversations
about intimacy, making it something
we can actually talk about, even when it feels awkward.
Ooh, I like that.
Yeah, he says we need to get over the awkwardness
because what's on the other side is so worth it.
Okay, so Ternan's view is basically get over it
because the benefits are amazing.
Yes.
He says that couples who avoid having these conversations
end up with more misunderstandings, more resentment,
and honestly a less satisfying sex life.
Wow, okay.
I'm starting to see the connection
between apologies and intimacy.
Right.
They both require a certain level of vulnerability.
And accountability.
Yes.
That's the word.
That's what it all comes down to.
It keeps coming up.
It does, because whether you're owning up to a mistake
or telling someone what you need,
it's about taking responsibility
for your part in the relationship.
Okay, that makes total sense.
But if we're talking about really personal stuff,
maybe even like vulnerable stuff.
Yeah.
How do we even create a space
where we feel safe enough to open up?
That is the million dollar question, isn't it?
It all starts with trust and mutual respect.
It's about building that foundation
so that even when those conversations are tough,
you know you're coming from a place
of love and understanding.
Yeah, I can see how that would make all the difference.
Totally, and you're right, it takes time.
Yeah, it's not like you can just snap your fingers
and suddenly have this perfect open line of communication.
Exactly, and that's where I see so many couples struggle.
Oh, so.
They think it's gonna be this overnight transformation
when in reality, it's a process.
Right, it's a journey.
Exactly, like learning a new dance.
Oh, I like that.
You're gonna step on each other's toes.
Ah-ha, yeah.
There are gonna be awkward moments and missteps.
But you figure it out as you go.
Exactly, you find your rhythm.
Okay, so then how do we avoid
those communication breakdowns?
Those moments where it feels like we're speaking
completely different languages.
I think a real life example might help here.
Okay, let's hear it.
Have you heard of Alex and Jamie?
Their story might really resonate with you.
Okay, I'm intrigued.
So they're partners.
And they're kind of like a case study
in what not to do, communication-wise.
Alex tends to avoid conflict at all costs.
I've been there.
Right, like who wants to rock the boat?
Not me.
So they'll drop hints
and just hope their partner picks up on them.
Oh, the good old they'll figure it out strategy.
Like telepathy, right?
The worst.
I've tried, it never works.
It never works.
Never.
And then you have Jamie,
who is all about direct communication.
Okay, so total opposites.
Total opposites.
Got it.
Which makes for some interesting dynamics,
let me tell you.
I bet.
So how does this play into everything
we've been talking about with apologies and all?
Okay, so remember those six steps for a good apology.
Yeah, from Lisa Leopold.
Yes, so picture this.
Okay.
Alex agreed to go to this party with Jamie,
but secretly they're dreading it.
Oh, I feel that.
Right.
Sometimes you just want to stay in up.
Yes, introvert life, am I right?
Exactly.
But instead of just saying,
hey honey, I know I said yes to the party,
but I'm actually feeling a little overwhelmed.
Would you mind if we skipped it?
Oh, Alex starts dropping all these subtle hints.
Oh no.
Hoping that Jamie will just magically understand.
Oh, we know that's not gonna happen.
We know that's not gonna happen.
So what happened?
Well, Jamie, being very straightforward,
totally missed the hints.
Oh no.
And was genuinely excited about the party.
They even invited a bunch of other friends
to meet them there.
Oh no, it just got real.
Things escalated quickly.
Quickly.
Right, so of course this all came to a head
when Alex backed out of the party at the very last minute.
Oof, that's rough.
Jamie was so confused and hurt.
Yeah, I can imagine.
Right, not exactly a recipe for a happy relationship.
Not at all.
So how did they fix it?
Did they use those apology skills we were talking about?
They did, Alex took a deep breath
and instead of just a quick sorry or sorry you're upset,
which, you know, it's not helpful.
I know, full of the law.
They said, I am so incredibly sorry
that I canceled on you at the last minute,
especially after you invited all those people.
Right.
It wasn't fair to you at all
and I take full responsibility.
Okay, points for taking ownership.
Yeah, yeah.
But I'm guessing Jamie wasn't instantly over it, right?
Oh, definitely not.
They were still really hurt and frustrated.
Yeah.
But because Alex owned their part in it,
it actually opened the door for them to talk about it.
Oh, that's good.
Jamie felt heard, which is so important.
Yeah, that makes sense.
In any kind of conflict.
Totally.
So then Alex actually explained why they canceled.
Okay, and this is where it can get tricky, right?
Because explaining can turn into blaming.
Exactly.
So how did Alex handle it?
Well, they explained that they were feeling
super overwhelmed by the thought of the party,
but they didn't know how to tell Jamie that.
Oh, so they were avoiding the awkward conversation.
Exactly, we've all been there.
We've all been there.
And more importantly, it helped Jamie understand
where they were coming from.
Okay, so empathy for the win.
Exactly, empathy for the win.
But they didn't stop there.
Oh, what else did they do?
Alex actually offered to make things right.
You know?
Oh, wow.
So they mentioned that canceling last minute
had put Jamie in a really awkward position
with their friends.
Oh yeah, that's the worst.
The worst.
So Alex suggested that they reschedule,
you know, do something else with their friends
to show Jamie that they were serious
about making things right.
Okay, I love that.
It's like, yeah, you messed up,
but you're willing to fix it.
Exactly.
Actions speak louder than words.
Totally.
But we haven't even touched on intimacy yet.
Right, we haven't even gotten there yet.
So how did Alex and Jamie navigate that part?
Well, this is where those two topics,
apologies and intimacy, really come together.
Oh, how so?
Remember those articles you sent about Jeffrey Ternan?
Yeah, the ones about open communication in the bedroom.
Yes, those ones.
The ones we were both kind of like, ooh, maybe later.
Exactly.
Well, Jamie had been reading those same articles.
Oh, okay.
And they decided to have a conversation with Alex
about how they communicate differently.
Ooh, they could go either way.
Right, high stakes.
So how did it go?
Were they able to actually talk it through?
It wasn't always easy,
but they were both committed to making it work.
That's huge.
It is.
And it started with Jamie acknowledging
that they appreciated Alex's apology.
Oh, good.
And that they knew Alex wasn't trying to hurt them.
Okay, so starting with that foundation
of respect and understanding.
Exactly.
And with that in place,
Jamie felt safe enough to share that they felt hurt
when Alex relied on hints
instead of just saying what they meant.
Oh, that's big.
To be that honest and vulnerable.
Right.
Okay, so how did Alex take it?
This is where all that work they'd been doing
with apologies really paid off.
Okay, how so?
Remember how those I statements shift things
from blame to responsibility?
Alex had really taken that to heart.
Okay.
They were able to actually listen to what Jamie was saying
without getting defensive.
That's amazing.
So they talked it through.
They did.
Did anything actually change?
That's the thing about all this advice.
It only works if you use it.
True.
And in their case, Alex and Jamie actually wanted
to be better partners for each other.
Oh, I love that.
So they started using those communication skills
both when they messed up
and when they were talking about intimacy.
Wow, so they made it a regular part of their relationship.
Exactly.
That's huge.
It is huge.
It wasn't always perfect.
I'm sure.
But each time they faced a challenge,
they were able to use what they'd learned.
Oh, that's so good.
So it's like they built up that trust
and understanding over time.
Exactly.
Think of it like learning a new dance.
Okay.
You're gonna step on each other's toes.
Yeah.
But eventually you find your rhythm.
That's a good way to put it.
Right.
So for those of us who are ready
to actually use all of this,
where do we even begin?
That's the cool thing, you know.
What's that?
You don't have to be perfect right away.
Just start by being more mindful.
Mindful of?
Your words.
Okay.
Your actions, especially when things get tough.
So instead of trying to be perfect,
we should just try to be a little bit better each day.
Exactly.
And it starts with paying attention to those small moments.
Okay.
Like a quick apology
or a time when you chose to be vulnerable.
Those little things really do add up.
They do.
They're the foundation of something much bigger.
I like that.
Yeah.
Okay, so let's get practical.
Okay.
What's one thing our listeners can start doing,
like today, to improve their relationships?
Here's a little challenge.
Okay, a little bit of a challenge.
Think about one area where you could improve
how you talk to the people you care about.
Oh yeah.
Maybe you could be more mindful of your tone
during an argument.
Right.
Or maybe it's finally having that conversation
you've been putting off about what you really need.
Ooh, that's a good one.
Right?
It can be anything.
It can be anything, as long as it feels meaningful to you.
I love that.
It's practical, it's personal.
Right.
And literally anyone can do it.
Exactly, because this stuff applies to every relationship.
Oh, cool.
Romantic relationships, friendships, even family.
That's a deep dive, it's been amazing.
It has, I've learned so much.
Me too.
So we went from figuring out how to apologize
to talking about intimacy,
and it all comes back to those same things.
What things?
Communication and accountability.
It's all connected, and the best part,
these are skills we can keep working on our whole lives.
It's a journey, not a race.
Exactly.
Well, I've learned so much from this conversation,
I hope our listeners have too.
Me too.
It's been a pleasure.
Thanks for joining us, everyone.
Until next time.
And remember, keep those conversations going,
those apologies sincere, and those connections strong.