1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,580 Okay, so we're diving into this relationship advice 2 00:00:02,580 --> 00:00:04,040 you've been wanting to unpack. 3 00:00:04,040 --> 00:00:05,300 Sounds good to me. 4 00:00:05,300 --> 00:00:07,780 Looks like we've got articles summarizing. 5 00:00:08,700 --> 00:00:10,040 The latest tips and tricks. 6 00:00:10,040 --> 00:00:12,360 Yeah, like the best stuff out there right now. 7 00:00:12,360 --> 00:00:13,600 Right. 8 00:00:13,600 --> 00:00:15,080 And we even have some stuff from 9 00:00:15,080 --> 00:00:16,200 Ooh, let me guess. 10 00:00:16,200 --> 00:00:17,040 The New York Times. 11 00:00:17,040 --> 00:00:18,240 Oh, fancy. 12 00:00:18,240 --> 00:00:20,200 I know, right? Uh-huh. 13 00:00:20,200 --> 00:00:22,980 But you know what really stood out to me in all of this? 14 00:00:22,980 --> 00:00:25,200 Apologies and intimacy. 15 00:00:25,200 --> 00:00:26,320 Really? Yeah. 16 00:00:26,320 --> 00:00:27,160 Interesting. 17 00:00:27,160 --> 00:00:29,640 Like those two things sound completely different, 18 00:00:29,640 --> 00:00:31,520 but apparently they're like the secret sauce 19 00:00:31,520 --> 00:00:33,200 to amazing relationships. 20 00:00:33,200 --> 00:00:36,360 You know what's so fascinating to me about those two? 21 00:00:36,360 --> 00:00:39,040 They really come down to the same skillset. 22 00:00:39,040 --> 00:00:40,000 Oh, how so? 23 00:00:40,000 --> 00:00:42,600 Because it doesn't matter if you're saying, 24 00:00:42,600 --> 00:00:44,920 I'm so sorry, or this is what I need. 25 00:00:44,920 --> 00:00:47,440 It all comes down to being open and honest, 26 00:00:47,440 --> 00:00:48,920 you know, being vulnerable. 27 00:00:48,920 --> 00:00:49,760 Yeah, for sure. 28 00:00:49,760 --> 00:00:50,840 Yeah. And honestly, 29 00:00:50,840 --> 00:00:53,480 who hasn't completely messed up an apology? 30 00:00:53,480 --> 00:00:54,960 Ooh, tell me about it. 31 00:00:54,960 --> 00:00:56,520 I know I've been guilty of pulling that. 32 00:00:56,520 --> 00:00:58,960 I'm sorry, B-U-T. 33 00:00:58,960 --> 00:01:01,080 Which we all know isn't a real apology at all. 34 00:01:01,080 --> 00:01:01,920 Oh, yeah, yeah. 35 00:01:01,920 --> 00:01:05,040 It's like we're trying to make ourselves feel better 36 00:01:05,040 --> 00:01:08,400 about messing up instead of actually taking responsibility 37 00:01:08,400 --> 00:01:10,080 for how it affected the other person. 38 00:01:10,080 --> 00:01:10,920 Yeah. Yeah. 39 00:01:10,920 --> 00:01:11,740 It's so true. 40 00:01:11,740 --> 00:01:13,440 It's like we're trying to protect ourselves 41 00:01:13,440 --> 00:01:15,560 instead of actually showing up for the other person. 42 00:01:15,560 --> 00:01:16,560 Exactly. Yeah. 43 00:01:16,560 --> 00:01:19,160 Which is where I think Lisa Leopold's work is so helpful. 44 00:01:19,160 --> 00:01:20,360 Oh, yes, I've heard of her. 45 00:01:20,360 --> 00:01:23,880 She has this whole six-step process 46 00:01:23,880 --> 00:01:27,200 for something she calls a satisfying apology. 47 00:01:27,200 --> 00:01:28,800 What a satisfying apology, okay. 48 00:01:28,800 --> 00:01:31,320 It sounds way more intense than just saying, my bad. 49 00:01:31,320 --> 00:01:32,160 It does. 50 00:01:32,160 --> 00:01:33,520 It makes you realize there's a lot more to it 51 00:01:33,520 --> 00:01:34,840 than just those two words. 52 00:01:34,840 --> 00:01:36,400 Yeah. It's about going deeper, 53 00:01:36,400 --> 00:01:39,440 taking your time instead of just rushing through it. 54 00:01:39,440 --> 00:01:40,680 Yeah, definitely. 55 00:01:40,680 --> 00:01:42,760 And you know what I find interesting? 56 00:01:42,760 --> 00:01:46,640 It all starts with something so small, but so powerful. 57 00:01:46,640 --> 00:01:48,720 What's that? Using I statements. 58 00:01:48,720 --> 00:01:49,760 Oh, interesting. 59 00:01:49,760 --> 00:01:50,640 Yeah. You know, 60 00:01:50,640 --> 00:01:54,600 I used to think that was just like semantics. 61 00:01:54,600 --> 00:01:55,520 Right, like who cares? 62 00:01:55,520 --> 00:01:58,120 Yeah, like who cares if I say, I'm sorry, I'm late, 63 00:01:58,120 --> 00:01:59,960 versus sorry, I was late. 64 00:01:59,960 --> 00:02:01,440 Exactly, what's the big deal? 65 00:02:01,440 --> 00:02:04,320 But now I'm realizing it actually subtly changes things. 66 00:02:04,320 --> 00:02:08,040 It totally does, because one is just stating a fact, 67 00:02:08,040 --> 00:02:08,880 you know? 68 00:02:08,880 --> 00:02:11,280 The other one is you taking ownership. 69 00:02:11,280 --> 00:02:12,240 Oh, okay. 70 00:02:12,240 --> 00:02:15,560 It really shows that you're present in the situation, 71 00:02:15,560 --> 00:02:18,520 you're present with them, not just like, you know, 72 00:02:18,520 --> 00:02:19,360 brushing it off. 73 00:02:19,360 --> 00:02:20,400 Oh, I like that. Yeah. 74 00:02:20,400 --> 00:02:21,480 That makes a lot of sense. 75 00:02:21,480 --> 00:02:22,480 Think about it this way. 76 00:02:22,480 --> 00:02:23,320 Okay. 77 00:02:23,320 --> 00:02:26,920 Imagine you totally forgot a friend's birthday. 78 00:02:26,920 --> 00:02:27,920 Oh, the worst. 79 00:02:27,920 --> 00:02:29,160 Right, the worst. 80 00:02:29,160 --> 00:02:30,000 The worst. 81 00:02:30,000 --> 00:02:33,720 Saying like, sorry, I forgot, sounds way different than, 82 00:02:33,720 --> 00:02:36,080 I am so incredibly sorry I forgot your birthday. 83 00:02:36,080 --> 00:02:37,080 Oh, wow, yeah. 84 00:02:37,080 --> 00:02:38,520 You know, you can hear the difference. 85 00:02:38,520 --> 00:02:39,360 Totally. Yeah. 86 00:02:39,360 --> 00:02:41,920 So it's about actually acknowledging that you messed up. 87 00:02:41,920 --> 00:02:44,320 Yes, exactly. You're owning it. 88 00:02:44,320 --> 00:02:45,440 Okay, I see what you mean. 89 00:02:45,440 --> 00:02:46,320 Yeah. 90 00:02:46,320 --> 00:02:49,360 But owning up is just the first hurdle 91 00:02:49,360 --> 00:02:51,320 in Leopold's apology bootcamp. 92 00:02:51,320 --> 00:02:53,080 Oh, tell me more, tell me more. 93 00:02:53,080 --> 00:02:54,440 Comes after that. 94 00:02:54,440 --> 00:02:57,040 Well, the next step is accepting responsibility 95 00:02:57,040 --> 00:02:58,400 and then explaining what you did. 96 00:02:58,400 --> 00:02:59,240 Okay. 97 00:02:59,240 --> 00:03:00,480 But here's where it gets tricky. 98 00:03:00,480 --> 00:03:01,320 Okay. 99 00:03:01,320 --> 00:03:04,320 It's not about coming up with excuses for your behavior. 100 00:03:04,320 --> 00:03:06,200 It's about helping the other person understand, 101 00:03:06,200 --> 00:03:08,440 like what was going on in your head, 102 00:03:08,440 --> 00:03:11,160 even if your thought process was totally wrong. 103 00:03:11,160 --> 00:03:13,160 Yeah, that's where I think a lot of people get tripped up. 104 00:03:13,160 --> 00:03:14,000 Totally. 105 00:03:14,000 --> 00:03:16,200 It's so easy for explaining yourself 106 00:03:16,200 --> 00:03:17,840 to become blaming everyone else. 107 00:03:17,840 --> 00:03:20,000 Oh, it's so easy to fall into that trap. 108 00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:21,120 If you're not careful. 109 00:03:21,120 --> 00:03:22,240 Yes. Yeah. 110 00:03:22,240 --> 00:03:25,800 But what's important to the intention behind it, you know? 111 00:03:25,800 --> 00:03:27,040 Think about it this way. 112 00:03:28,960 --> 00:03:30,320 You're rushing to work. 113 00:03:30,320 --> 00:03:31,360 Okay, I can picture it. 114 00:03:31,360 --> 00:03:34,240 And you accidentally spill your coffee all over someone. 115 00:03:34,240 --> 00:03:35,240 But, no. 116 00:03:35,240 --> 00:03:36,840 The worst, I know. 117 00:03:36,840 --> 00:03:39,480 So a justifying explanation might be, 118 00:03:39,480 --> 00:03:42,840 well, I was in such a rush because I totally overslept. 119 00:03:42,840 --> 00:03:43,680 Right. 120 00:03:43,680 --> 00:03:46,200 But if you're focusing on actually taking responsibility, 121 00:03:46,200 --> 00:03:47,800 it might sound a little more like 122 00:03:48,680 --> 00:03:50,240 I was so focused on getting to work 123 00:03:50,240 --> 00:03:52,240 that I wasn't paying attention to anything else. 124 00:03:52,240 --> 00:03:53,080 Oh, yeah. 125 00:03:53,080 --> 00:03:54,560 And I am so sorry I spilled your coffee. 126 00:03:54,560 --> 00:03:56,320 Ooh, that's a really good example. 127 00:03:56,320 --> 00:03:57,840 Right. Do you see the difference? 128 00:03:57,840 --> 00:03:59,480 Totally. Yeah. 129 00:03:59,480 --> 00:04:01,840 Okay, so we've taken responsibility for our actions. 130 00:04:01,840 --> 00:04:04,720 We've explained ourselves without making excuses. 131 00:04:04,720 --> 00:04:05,560 What's next? 132 00:04:05,560 --> 00:04:08,600 Next comes acknowledging the harm you've caused. 133 00:04:08,600 --> 00:04:10,080 Ooh, that's a big one. 134 00:04:10,080 --> 00:04:12,240 This is where empathy really comes in. 135 00:04:12,240 --> 00:04:14,600 It's not enough to just say, I'm messed up. 136 00:04:14,600 --> 00:04:16,840 You have to actually show the other person 137 00:04:16,840 --> 00:04:20,360 that you understand how your actions made them feel. 138 00:04:20,360 --> 00:04:23,400 Because sometimes, even if we didn't mean to, 139 00:04:23,400 --> 00:04:25,240 our actions can still really hurt. 140 00:04:25,240 --> 00:04:26,080 Exactly. 141 00:04:26,080 --> 00:04:28,400 It's like, I know I promised to make dinner tonight, 142 00:04:28,400 --> 00:04:30,600 I'm so sorry that I had to bail at the last minute. 143 00:04:30,600 --> 00:04:32,000 Oh, yeah. 144 00:04:32,000 --> 00:04:34,840 I get that you're bummed about not having a home-cooked meal, 145 00:04:34,840 --> 00:04:36,040 but I also understand that it means 146 00:04:36,040 --> 00:04:38,040 you have to figure something else out 147 00:04:38,040 --> 00:04:40,600 when you're already exhausted from a long day. 148 00:04:40,600 --> 00:04:41,440 Exactly. 149 00:04:41,440 --> 00:04:43,360 You're not just acknowledging what you did wrong, 150 00:04:43,360 --> 00:04:45,320 but you're recognizing what they're going through 151 00:04:45,320 --> 00:04:46,160 because of it. 152 00:04:46,160 --> 00:04:47,520 Right, you're really seeing it from their side. 153 00:04:47,520 --> 00:04:48,360 Exactly. 154 00:04:48,360 --> 00:04:51,240 And that is huge when it comes to rebuilding trust. 155 00:04:51,240 --> 00:04:52,280 Totally, yeah. Yeah. 156 00:04:52,280 --> 00:04:53,560 Okay, this is really insightful. 157 00:04:53,560 --> 00:04:54,640 Good, I'm glad. 158 00:04:54,640 --> 00:04:55,960 But it also makes me realize, 159 00:04:55,960 --> 00:04:57,840 this takes a lot of emotional intelligence. 160 00:04:57,840 --> 00:04:59,400 It really does. 161 00:04:59,400 --> 00:05:02,200 But just like any other skill that's worth having, 162 00:05:02,200 --> 00:05:06,440 it's something we can learn and get better at with practice. 163 00:05:06,440 --> 00:05:07,280 That's a good point. 164 00:05:07,280 --> 00:05:08,100 Yeah. 165 00:05:08,100 --> 00:05:08,940 Like building a muscle. 166 00:05:08,940 --> 00:05:10,160 Yes, exactly. 167 00:05:10,160 --> 00:05:12,440 The more you use it, the stronger it gets. 168 00:05:12,440 --> 00:05:15,520 Okay, so we're halfway through this apology framework. 169 00:05:15,520 --> 00:05:16,800 We are, we're on a roll. 170 00:05:16,800 --> 00:05:18,840 What are those last three steps? 171 00:05:18,840 --> 00:05:20,480 How do we seal the deal? 172 00:05:20,480 --> 00:05:21,360 The home stretch. 173 00:05:21,360 --> 00:05:23,080 Okay, so the last three steps are 174 00:05:24,400 --> 00:05:27,280 promising not to do it again, 175 00:05:27,280 --> 00:05:30,040 actually offering to do something to make it right, 176 00:05:30,040 --> 00:05:32,120 and then asking for forgiveness. 177 00:05:32,120 --> 00:05:35,040 So wait, it's not enough to just say, 178 00:05:35,040 --> 00:05:37,440 like, I'll try to do better next time. 179 00:05:37,440 --> 00:05:40,200 You know, it's a start, but it's not enough. 180 00:05:40,200 --> 00:05:42,600 It's about actually showing that you're committed 181 00:05:42,600 --> 00:05:44,560 to changing, not just saying the words. 182 00:05:44,560 --> 00:05:45,400 Right. 183 00:05:45,400 --> 00:05:46,880 Like think about the difference between saying, 184 00:05:46,880 --> 00:05:48,880 I'm gonna make a real effort to be on time, 185 00:05:48,880 --> 00:05:50,360 and I'll let you know if I'm running late, 186 00:05:50,360 --> 00:05:52,560 versus just, I'll try harder. 187 00:05:52,560 --> 00:05:53,400 Oh yeah. 188 00:05:53,400 --> 00:05:54,680 Like which one feels more sincere? 189 00:05:54,680 --> 00:05:55,680 The first one for sure. 190 00:05:55,680 --> 00:05:57,720 Right, it shows you're serious about it. 191 00:05:57,720 --> 00:05:58,560 Okay, yeah. 192 00:05:58,560 --> 00:06:00,640 We're not just talking the talk, you're walking the walk. 193 00:06:00,640 --> 00:06:02,600 And what about this whole making amends part? 194 00:06:02,600 --> 00:06:03,440 Oh yeah. 195 00:06:03,440 --> 00:06:06,240 Is that where we offer to buy them a peace offering latte? 196 00:06:06,240 --> 00:06:08,440 I mean, a latte is always a good idea. 197 00:06:08,440 --> 00:06:09,280 It's true. 198 00:06:09,280 --> 00:06:11,040 But it's more about recognizing that 199 00:06:11,040 --> 00:06:14,160 just saying sorry isn't always enough, you know. 200 00:06:15,160 --> 00:06:17,680 Actions speak louder than words, right? 201 00:06:17,680 --> 00:06:20,160 It's about asking, what can I do to make this up to you? 202 00:06:20,160 --> 00:06:21,440 Or how can I fix this? 203 00:06:21,440 --> 00:06:22,960 Oh okay, so like a concrete plan. 204 00:06:22,960 --> 00:06:23,800 Exactly. 205 00:06:23,800 --> 00:06:26,120 So let's say you forgot to pick up 206 00:06:26,120 --> 00:06:27,560 your partner's prescription. 207 00:06:27,560 --> 00:06:28,400 Oh that's a good one. 208 00:06:28,400 --> 00:06:29,600 Instead of just saying, oh shoot, 209 00:06:29,600 --> 00:06:31,920 I completely forgot, I'm so sorry. 210 00:06:31,920 --> 00:06:34,480 You'd be like, I am so sorry, I totally messed up. 211 00:06:34,480 --> 00:06:35,320 Okay. 212 00:06:35,320 --> 00:06:37,160 How about I run out first thing tomorrow morning 213 00:06:37,160 --> 00:06:39,400 and grab it, and to make it up to you, 214 00:06:39,400 --> 00:06:41,720 how about I make you that fancy breakfast you love? 215 00:06:41,720 --> 00:06:43,440 Ooh, now that's an apology. 216 00:06:43,440 --> 00:06:44,280 Right. 217 00:06:44,280 --> 00:06:46,880 That shows you're not just sorry for what happened, 218 00:06:46,880 --> 00:06:48,720 but you actually get how it made them feel. 219 00:06:48,720 --> 00:06:50,040 Exactly. 220 00:06:50,040 --> 00:06:51,200 You're not just trying to get off the hook, 221 00:06:51,200 --> 00:06:52,680 you're trying to make things right. 222 00:06:52,680 --> 00:06:53,680 I love that. 223 00:06:53,680 --> 00:06:55,920 Okay, last step, seeking forgiveness. 224 00:06:55,920 --> 00:06:56,760 Yes. 225 00:06:56,760 --> 00:06:59,200 Why is that such a crucial part of this whole thing? 226 00:06:59,200 --> 00:07:01,840 Because you're acknowledging that you can't 227 00:07:01,840 --> 00:07:03,280 force someone to forgive you. 228 00:07:03,280 --> 00:07:04,120 Right. 229 00:07:04,120 --> 00:07:05,600 It takes a lot of vulnerability to say, 230 00:07:05,600 --> 00:07:07,520 I hope you can forgive me, 231 00:07:07,520 --> 00:07:10,320 and it lets them respond authentically. 232 00:07:10,320 --> 00:07:12,120 So it's not about making them forgive you, 233 00:07:12,120 --> 00:07:15,080 it's about giving them the space to decide. 234 00:07:15,080 --> 00:07:17,800 Exactly, it's about respecting their process, you know. 235 00:07:17,800 --> 00:07:19,640 Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. 236 00:07:19,640 --> 00:07:21,200 Yeah. 237 00:07:21,200 --> 00:07:24,800 Man, this is such a good reminder that a genuine apology 238 00:07:24,800 --> 00:07:27,920 is about way more than just saying, I'm sorry. 239 00:07:27,920 --> 00:07:28,800 It really is. 240 00:07:28,800 --> 00:07:32,160 It's about showing up for the other person in a real way. 241 00:07:32,160 --> 00:07:34,400 Okay, but I just realized we've only talked about 242 00:07:34,400 --> 00:07:36,800 one of the topics you mentioned earlier, apologies. 243 00:07:36,800 --> 00:07:37,640 Oh, right. 244 00:07:37,640 --> 00:07:38,840 We still haven't gotten to the other big one 245 00:07:38,840 --> 00:07:40,280 from those articles, intimacy. 246 00:07:40,280 --> 00:07:42,200 We haven't even scratched the surface there. 247 00:07:42,200 --> 00:07:43,280 I know. 248 00:07:43,280 --> 00:07:44,760 But it's interesting because 249 00:07:44,760 --> 00:07:47,040 a lot of the same principles apply. 250 00:07:47,040 --> 00:07:47,880 They really do. 251 00:07:47,880 --> 00:07:50,840 Like that open and honest communication 252 00:07:50,840 --> 00:07:54,000 is just as important for a fulfilling sex life 253 00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:56,360 as it is for anything else in a relationship. 254 00:07:56,360 --> 00:07:57,320 100%. 255 00:07:57,320 --> 00:08:00,200 Which honestly can feel a little intimidating. 256 00:08:00,200 --> 00:08:01,040 Oh, for sure. 257 00:08:01,040 --> 00:08:03,320 I think a lot of people, myself included, 258 00:08:03,320 --> 00:08:05,320 would rather walk across hot coals 259 00:08:05,320 --> 00:08:06,800 than have those kinds of conversations. 260 00:08:06,800 --> 00:08:11,000 Right, like who wants to feel awkward and uncomfortable? 261 00:08:11,000 --> 00:08:11,920 It's the worst. 262 00:08:11,920 --> 00:08:13,520 I know, but that's why I think the work 263 00:08:13,520 --> 00:08:15,680 Jeffrey Ternan is doing is so important. 264 00:08:15,680 --> 00:08:17,200 Oh, tell me more about him. 265 00:08:17,200 --> 00:08:20,120 So he's a therapist who specializes in relationships. 266 00:08:20,120 --> 00:08:20,960 Okay. 267 00:08:20,960 --> 00:08:23,960 And he's all about normalizing these conversations 268 00:08:23,960 --> 00:08:26,320 about intimacy, making it something 269 00:08:26,320 --> 00:08:29,240 we can actually talk about, even when it feels awkward. 270 00:08:29,240 --> 00:08:30,160 Ooh, I like that. 271 00:08:30,160 --> 00:08:32,200 Yeah, he says we need to get over the awkwardness 272 00:08:32,200 --> 00:08:34,680 because what's on the other side is so worth it. 273 00:08:34,680 --> 00:08:37,240 Okay, so Ternan's view is basically get over it 274 00:08:37,240 --> 00:08:38,920 because the benefits are amazing. 275 00:08:38,920 --> 00:08:39,760 Yes. 276 00:08:39,760 --> 00:08:43,480 He says that couples who avoid having these conversations 277 00:08:43,480 --> 00:08:46,240 end up with more misunderstandings, more resentment, 278 00:08:46,240 --> 00:08:49,240 and honestly a less satisfying sex life. 279 00:08:49,240 --> 00:08:51,200 Wow, okay. 280 00:08:51,200 --> 00:08:52,400 I'm starting to see the connection 281 00:08:52,400 --> 00:08:54,760 between apologies and intimacy. 282 00:08:54,760 --> 00:08:55,600 Right. 283 00:08:55,600 --> 00:08:57,920 They both require a certain level of vulnerability. 284 00:08:57,920 --> 00:08:58,920 And accountability. 285 00:08:58,920 --> 00:08:59,760 Yes. 286 00:08:59,760 --> 00:09:00,580 That's the word. 287 00:09:00,580 --> 00:09:01,520 That's what it all comes down to. 288 00:09:01,520 --> 00:09:02,560 It keeps coming up. 289 00:09:02,560 --> 00:09:05,840 It does, because whether you're owning up to a mistake 290 00:09:05,840 --> 00:09:07,840 or telling someone what you need, 291 00:09:07,840 --> 00:09:09,720 it's about taking responsibility 292 00:09:09,720 --> 00:09:11,360 for your part in the relationship. 293 00:09:11,360 --> 00:09:13,080 Okay, that makes total sense. 294 00:09:13,080 --> 00:09:16,040 But if we're talking about really personal stuff, 295 00:09:16,040 --> 00:09:17,880 maybe even like vulnerable stuff. 296 00:09:17,880 --> 00:09:18,840 Yeah. 297 00:09:18,840 --> 00:09:20,800 How do we even create a space 298 00:09:20,800 --> 00:09:23,480 where we feel safe enough to open up? 299 00:09:23,480 --> 00:09:25,800 That is the million dollar question, isn't it? 300 00:09:25,800 --> 00:09:29,440 It all starts with trust and mutual respect. 301 00:09:29,440 --> 00:09:31,400 It's about building that foundation 302 00:09:31,400 --> 00:09:34,160 so that even when those conversations are tough, 303 00:09:34,160 --> 00:09:35,600 you know you're coming from a place 304 00:09:35,600 --> 00:09:37,480 of love and understanding. 305 00:09:37,480 --> 00:09:39,320 Yeah, I can see how that would make all the difference. 306 00:09:39,320 --> 00:09:41,520 Totally, and you're right, it takes time. 307 00:09:41,520 --> 00:09:43,400 Yeah, it's not like you can just snap your fingers 308 00:09:43,400 --> 00:09:46,960 and suddenly have this perfect open line of communication. 309 00:09:46,960 --> 00:09:50,840 Exactly, and that's where I see so many couples struggle. 310 00:09:50,840 --> 00:09:51,680 Oh, so. 311 00:09:51,680 --> 00:09:53,960 They think it's gonna be this overnight transformation 312 00:09:53,960 --> 00:09:56,400 when in reality, it's a process. 313 00:09:56,400 --> 00:09:57,400 Right, it's a journey. 314 00:09:57,400 --> 00:09:59,440 Exactly, like learning a new dance. 315 00:09:59,440 --> 00:10:00,680 Oh, I like that. 316 00:10:00,680 --> 00:10:02,080 You're gonna step on each other's toes. 317 00:10:02,080 --> 00:10:02,920 Ah-ha, yeah. 318 00:10:02,920 --> 00:10:05,320 There are gonna be awkward moments and missteps. 319 00:10:05,320 --> 00:10:06,840 But you figure it out as you go. 320 00:10:06,840 --> 00:10:08,680 Exactly, you find your rhythm. 321 00:10:08,680 --> 00:10:11,280 Okay, so then how do we avoid 322 00:10:11,280 --> 00:10:13,800 those communication breakdowns? 323 00:10:13,800 --> 00:10:15,600 Those moments where it feels like we're speaking 324 00:10:15,600 --> 00:10:17,320 completely different languages. 325 00:10:17,320 --> 00:10:20,000 I think a real life example might help here. 326 00:10:20,000 --> 00:10:20,840 Okay, let's hear it. 327 00:10:20,840 --> 00:10:22,960 Have you heard of Alex and Jamie? 328 00:10:22,960 --> 00:10:25,480 Their story might really resonate with you. 329 00:10:25,480 --> 00:10:26,600 Okay, I'm intrigued. 330 00:10:26,600 --> 00:10:28,440 So they're partners. 331 00:10:28,440 --> 00:10:31,360 And they're kind of like a case study 332 00:10:31,360 --> 00:10:34,680 in what not to do, communication-wise. 333 00:10:34,680 --> 00:10:37,800 Alex tends to avoid conflict at all costs. 334 00:10:37,800 --> 00:10:38,640 I've been there. 335 00:10:38,640 --> 00:10:40,760 Right, like who wants to rock the boat? 336 00:10:40,760 --> 00:10:41,600 Not me. 337 00:10:41,600 --> 00:10:42,920 So they'll drop hints 338 00:10:42,920 --> 00:10:44,640 and just hope their partner picks up on them. 339 00:10:44,640 --> 00:10:47,080 Oh, the good old they'll figure it out strategy. 340 00:10:47,080 --> 00:10:48,480 Like telepathy, right? 341 00:10:48,480 --> 00:10:49,480 The worst. 342 00:10:49,480 --> 00:10:51,080 I've tried, it never works. 343 00:10:51,080 --> 00:10:52,040 It never works. 344 00:10:52,040 --> 00:10:52,880 Never. 345 00:10:52,880 --> 00:10:53,720 Never. 346 00:10:53,720 --> 00:10:54,560 And then you have Jamie, 347 00:10:54,560 --> 00:10:56,720 who is all about direct communication. 348 00:10:56,720 --> 00:10:58,240 Okay, so total opposites. 349 00:10:58,240 --> 00:10:59,280 Total opposites. 350 00:10:59,280 --> 00:11:00,120 Got it. 351 00:11:00,120 --> 00:11:01,680 Which makes for some interesting dynamics, 352 00:11:01,680 --> 00:11:02,600 let me tell you. 353 00:11:02,600 --> 00:11:03,560 I bet. 354 00:11:03,560 --> 00:11:05,320 So how does this play into everything 355 00:11:05,320 --> 00:11:07,000 we've been talking about with apologies and all? 356 00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:11,320 Okay, so remember those six steps for a good apology. 357 00:11:11,320 --> 00:11:12,960 Yeah, from Lisa Leopold. 358 00:11:12,960 --> 00:11:14,600 Yes, so picture this. 359 00:11:14,600 --> 00:11:15,440 Okay. 360 00:11:15,440 --> 00:11:18,240 Alex agreed to go to this party with Jamie, 361 00:11:18,240 --> 00:11:20,920 but secretly they're dreading it. 362 00:11:20,920 --> 00:11:22,160 Oh, I feel that. 363 00:11:22,160 --> 00:11:23,000 Right. 364 00:11:23,000 --> 00:11:24,320 Sometimes you just want to stay in up. 365 00:11:24,320 --> 00:11:26,280 Yes, introvert life, am I right? 366 00:11:26,280 --> 00:11:27,480 Exactly. 367 00:11:27,480 --> 00:11:29,080 But instead of just saying, 368 00:11:29,080 --> 00:11:31,400 hey honey, I know I said yes to the party, 369 00:11:31,400 --> 00:11:33,960 but I'm actually feeling a little overwhelmed. 370 00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:35,920 Would you mind if we skipped it? 371 00:11:35,920 --> 00:11:39,200 Oh, Alex starts dropping all these subtle hints. 372 00:11:39,200 --> 00:11:40,040 Oh no. 373 00:11:40,040 --> 00:11:42,320 Hoping that Jamie will just magically understand. 374 00:11:42,320 --> 00:11:43,600 Oh, we know that's not gonna happen. 375 00:11:43,600 --> 00:11:44,720 We know that's not gonna happen. 376 00:11:44,720 --> 00:11:45,720 So what happened? 377 00:11:45,720 --> 00:11:47,920 Well, Jamie, being very straightforward, 378 00:11:47,920 --> 00:11:49,600 totally missed the hints. 379 00:11:49,600 --> 00:11:50,440 Oh no. 380 00:11:50,440 --> 00:11:52,200 And was genuinely excited about the party. 381 00:11:52,200 --> 00:11:54,040 They even invited a bunch of other friends 382 00:11:54,040 --> 00:11:54,880 to meet them there. 383 00:11:54,880 --> 00:11:56,880 Oh no, it just got real. 384 00:11:56,880 --> 00:11:58,520 Things escalated quickly. 385 00:11:58,520 --> 00:11:59,360 Quickly. 386 00:11:59,360 --> 00:12:01,160 Right, so of course this all came to a head 387 00:12:01,160 --> 00:12:04,160 when Alex backed out of the party at the very last minute. 388 00:12:04,160 --> 00:12:05,440 Oof, that's rough. 389 00:12:05,440 --> 00:12:07,440 Jamie was so confused and hurt. 390 00:12:07,440 --> 00:12:08,640 Yeah, I can imagine. 391 00:12:08,640 --> 00:12:11,960 Right, not exactly a recipe for a happy relationship. 392 00:12:11,960 --> 00:12:13,000 Not at all. 393 00:12:13,000 --> 00:12:14,480 So how did they fix it? 394 00:12:14,480 --> 00:12:16,760 Did they use those apology skills we were talking about? 395 00:12:16,760 --> 00:12:18,920 They did, Alex took a deep breath 396 00:12:18,920 --> 00:12:22,920 and instead of just a quick sorry or sorry you're upset, 397 00:12:22,920 --> 00:12:24,480 which, you know, it's not helpful. 398 00:12:24,480 --> 00:12:25,320 I know, full of the law. 399 00:12:25,320 --> 00:12:27,200 They said, I am so incredibly sorry 400 00:12:27,200 --> 00:12:29,000 that I canceled on you at the last minute, 401 00:12:29,000 --> 00:12:31,240 especially after you invited all those people. 402 00:12:31,240 --> 00:12:32,080 Right. 403 00:12:32,080 --> 00:12:33,120 It wasn't fair to you at all 404 00:12:33,120 --> 00:12:34,840 and I take full responsibility. 405 00:12:34,840 --> 00:12:36,880 Okay, points for taking ownership. 406 00:12:36,880 --> 00:12:37,960 Yeah, yeah. 407 00:12:38,840 --> 00:12:41,400 But I'm guessing Jamie wasn't instantly over it, right? 408 00:12:41,400 --> 00:12:42,240 Oh, definitely not. 409 00:12:42,240 --> 00:12:44,360 They were still really hurt and frustrated. 410 00:12:44,360 --> 00:12:45,200 Yeah. 411 00:12:45,200 --> 00:12:47,000 But because Alex owned their part in it, 412 00:12:47,000 --> 00:12:49,640 it actually opened the door for them to talk about it. 413 00:12:49,640 --> 00:12:50,480 Oh, that's good. 414 00:12:50,480 --> 00:12:52,840 Jamie felt heard, which is so important. 415 00:12:52,840 --> 00:12:53,680 Yeah, that makes sense. 416 00:12:53,680 --> 00:12:54,960 In any kind of conflict. 417 00:12:54,960 --> 00:12:55,800 Totally. 418 00:12:55,800 --> 00:12:59,000 So then Alex actually explained why they canceled. 419 00:12:59,000 --> 00:13:01,200 Okay, and this is where it can get tricky, right? 420 00:13:01,200 --> 00:13:03,920 Because explaining can turn into blaming. 421 00:13:03,920 --> 00:13:05,120 Exactly. 422 00:13:05,120 --> 00:13:06,560 So how did Alex handle it? 423 00:13:06,560 --> 00:13:08,080 Well, they explained that they were feeling 424 00:13:08,080 --> 00:13:10,200 super overwhelmed by the thought of the party, 425 00:13:10,200 --> 00:13:12,920 but they didn't know how to tell Jamie that. 426 00:13:12,920 --> 00:13:15,400 Oh, so they were avoiding the awkward conversation. 427 00:13:15,400 --> 00:13:17,040 Exactly, we've all been there. 428 00:13:17,040 --> 00:13:17,880 We've all been there. 429 00:13:17,880 --> 00:13:20,840 And more importantly, it helped Jamie understand 430 00:13:20,840 --> 00:13:22,160 where they were coming from. 431 00:13:22,160 --> 00:13:23,640 Okay, so empathy for the win. 432 00:13:23,640 --> 00:13:25,760 Exactly, empathy for the win. 433 00:13:25,760 --> 00:13:27,440 But they didn't stop there. 434 00:13:27,440 --> 00:13:29,520 Oh, what else did they do? 435 00:13:29,520 --> 00:13:31,880 Alex actually offered to make things right. 436 00:13:31,880 --> 00:13:32,720 You know? 437 00:13:32,720 --> 00:13:33,560 Oh, wow. 438 00:13:33,560 --> 00:13:34,800 So they mentioned that canceling last minute 439 00:13:34,800 --> 00:13:36,760 had put Jamie in a really awkward position 440 00:13:36,760 --> 00:13:37,600 with their friends. 441 00:13:37,600 --> 00:13:38,800 Oh yeah, that's the worst. 442 00:13:38,800 --> 00:13:39,680 The worst. 443 00:13:39,680 --> 00:13:42,200 So Alex suggested that they reschedule, 444 00:13:42,200 --> 00:13:44,440 you know, do something else with their friends 445 00:13:44,440 --> 00:13:46,240 to show Jamie that they were serious 446 00:13:46,240 --> 00:13:47,680 about making things right. 447 00:13:47,680 --> 00:13:48,680 Okay, I love that. 448 00:13:48,680 --> 00:13:50,200 It's like, yeah, you messed up, 449 00:13:50,200 --> 00:13:51,320 but you're willing to fix it. 450 00:13:51,320 --> 00:13:52,400 Exactly. 451 00:13:52,400 --> 00:13:54,400 Actions speak louder than words. 452 00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:55,240 Totally. 453 00:13:55,240 --> 00:13:57,160 But we haven't even touched on intimacy yet. 454 00:13:57,160 --> 00:13:59,280 Right, we haven't even gotten there yet. 455 00:13:59,280 --> 00:14:01,960 So how did Alex and Jamie navigate that part? 456 00:14:01,960 --> 00:14:04,000 Well, this is where those two topics, 457 00:14:04,000 --> 00:14:06,920 apologies and intimacy, really come together. 458 00:14:06,920 --> 00:14:08,800 Oh, how so? 459 00:14:08,800 --> 00:14:11,680 Remember those articles you sent about Jeffrey Ternan? 460 00:14:11,680 --> 00:14:13,840 Yeah, the ones about open communication in the bedroom. 461 00:14:13,840 --> 00:14:15,560 Yes, those ones. 462 00:14:15,560 --> 00:14:17,760 The ones we were both kind of like, ooh, maybe later. 463 00:14:17,760 --> 00:14:18,720 Exactly. 464 00:14:18,720 --> 00:14:21,480 Well, Jamie had been reading those same articles. 465 00:14:21,480 --> 00:14:22,320 Oh, okay. 466 00:14:22,320 --> 00:14:24,760 And they decided to have a conversation with Alex 467 00:14:24,760 --> 00:14:26,640 about how they communicate differently. 468 00:14:26,640 --> 00:14:28,040 Ooh, they could go either way. 469 00:14:28,040 --> 00:14:29,160 Right, high stakes. 470 00:14:29,160 --> 00:14:30,000 So how did it go? 471 00:14:30,000 --> 00:14:32,200 Were they able to actually talk it through? 472 00:14:32,200 --> 00:14:33,480 It wasn't always easy, 473 00:14:33,480 --> 00:14:36,000 but they were both committed to making it work. 474 00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:37,200 That's huge. 475 00:14:37,200 --> 00:14:38,040 It is. 476 00:14:38,040 --> 00:14:39,600 And it started with Jamie acknowledging 477 00:14:39,600 --> 00:14:42,480 that they appreciated Alex's apology. 478 00:14:42,480 --> 00:14:43,320 Oh, good. 479 00:14:43,320 --> 00:14:45,640 And that they knew Alex wasn't trying to hurt them. 480 00:14:45,640 --> 00:14:47,440 Okay, so starting with that foundation 481 00:14:47,440 --> 00:14:49,480 of respect and understanding. 482 00:14:49,480 --> 00:14:50,520 Exactly. 483 00:14:50,520 --> 00:14:52,080 And with that in place, 484 00:14:52,080 --> 00:14:54,840 Jamie felt safe enough to share that they felt hurt 485 00:14:54,840 --> 00:14:56,520 when Alex relied on hints 486 00:14:56,520 --> 00:14:58,000 instead of just saying what they meant. 487 00:14:58,000 --> 00:14:59,120 Oh, that's big. 488 00:14:59,120 --> 00:15:00,560 To be that honest and vulnerable. 489 00:15:00,560 --> 00:15:01,400 Right. 490 00:15:01,400 --> 00:15:03,720 Okay, so how did Alex take it? 491 00:15:03,720 --> 00:15:06,080 This is where all that work they'd been doing 492 00:15:06,080 --> 00:15:08,840 with apologies really paid off. 493 00:15:08,840 --> 00:15:10,240 Okay, how so? 494 00:15:10,240 --> 00:15:13,240 Remember how those I statements shift things 495 00:15:13,240 --> 00:15:15,320 from blame to responsibility? 496 00:15:15,320 --> 00:15:17,120 Alex had really taken that to heart. 497 00:15:17,120 --> 00:15:17,960 Okay. 498 00:15:17,960 --> 00:15:20,280 They were able to actually listen to what Jamie was saying 499 00:15:20,280 --> 00:15:21,720 without getting defensive. 500 00:15:21,720 --> 00:15:23,000 That's amazing. 501 00:15:23,000 --> 00:15:24,240 So they talked it through. 502 00:15:24,240 --> 00:15:25,080 They did. 503 00:15:25,080 --> 00:15:26,560 Did anything actually change? 504 00:15:26,560 --> 00:15:28,160 That's the thing about all this advice. 505 00:15:28,160 --> 00:15:29,960 It only works if you use it. 506 00:15:29,960 --> 00:15:30,800 True. 507 00:15:30,800 --> 00:15:32,640 And in their case, Alex and Jamie actually wanted 508 00:15:32,640 --> 00:15:34,600 to be better partners for each other. 509 00:15:34,600 --> 00:15:36,520 Oh, I love that. 510 00:15:36,520 --> 00:15:38,800 So they started using those communication skills 511 00:15:38,800 --> 00:15:39,840 both when they messed up 512 00:15:39,840 --> 00:15:41,920 and when they were talking about intimacy. 513 00:15:41,920 --> 00:15:44,680 Wow, so they made it a regular part of their relationship. 514 00:15:44,680 --> 00:15:45,880 Exactly. 515 00:15:45,880 --> 00:15:46,720 That's huge. 516 00:15:46,720 --> 00:15:47,540 It is huge. 517 00:15:47,540 --> 00:15:48,600 It wasn't always perfect. 518 00:15:48,600 --> 00:15:49,440 I'm sure. 519 00:15:49,440 --> 00:15:51,280 But each time they faced a challenge, 520 00:15:51,280 --> 00:15:53,120 they were able to use what they'd learned. 521 00:15:53,120 --> 00:15:54,200 Oh, that's so good. 522 00:15:54,200 --> 00:15:56,640 So it's like they built up that trust 523 00:15:56,640 --> 00:15:58,200 and understanding over time. 524 00:15:58,200 --> 00:15:59,040 Exactly. 525 00:15:59,040 --> 00:16:01,280 Think of it like learning a new dance. 526 00:16:01,280 --> 00:16:02,120 Okay. 527 00:16:02,120 --> 00:16:03,280 You're gonna step on each other's toes. 528 00:16:03,280 --> 00:16:04,120 Yeah. 529 00:16:04,120 --> 00:16:05,800 But eventually you find your rhythm. 530 00:16:05,800 --> 00:16:06,800 That's a good way to put it. 531 00:16:06,800 --> 00:16:07,800 Right. 532 00:16:07,800 --> 00:16:09,480 So for those of us who are ready 533 00:16:09,480 --> 00:16:12,040 to actually use all of this, 534 00:16:12,040 --> 00:16:13,680 where do we even begin? 535 00:16:13,680 --> 00:16:15,200 That's the cool thing, you know. 536 00:16:15,200 --> 00:16:16,040 What's that? 537 00:16:16,040 --> 00:16:17,840 You don't have to be perfect right away. 538 00:16:17,840 --> 00:16:20,120 Just start by being more mindful. 539 00:16:20,120 --> 00:16:20,960 Mindful of? 540 00:16:20,960 --> 00:16:21,880 Your words. 541 00:16:21,880 --> 00:16:22,720 Okay. 542 00:16:22,720 --> 00:16:25,380 Your actions, especially when things get tough. 543 00:16:25,380 --> 00:16:26,720 So instead of trying to be perfect, 544 00:16:26,720 --> 00:16:29,000 we should just try to be a little bit better each day. 545 00:16:29,000 --> 00:16:29,840 Exactly. 546 00:16:29,840 --> 00:16:33,120 And it starts with paying attention to those small moments. 547 00:16:33,120 --> 00:16:33,960 Okay. 548 00:16:33,960 --> 00:16:35,240 Like a quick apology 549 00:16:35,240 --> 00:16:37,680 or a time when you chose to be vulnerable. 550 00:16:37,680 --> 00:16:39,680 Those little things really do add up. 551 00:16:39,680 --> 00:16:40,520 They do. 552 00:16:40,520 --> 00:16:42,560 They're the foundation of something much bigger. 553 00:16:42,560 --> 00:16:43,400 I like that. 554 00:16:43,400 --> 00:16:44,220 Yeah. 555 00:16:44,220 --> 00:16:45,040 Okay, so let's get practical. 556 00:16:45,040 --> 00:16:45,880 Okay. 557 00:16:45,880 --> 00:16:48,360 What's one thing our listeners can start doing, 558 00:16:48,360 --> 00:16:51,600 like today, to improve their relationships? 559 00:16:51,600 --> 00:16:52,600 Here's a little challenge. 560 00:16:52,600 --> 00:16:53,440 Okay, a little bit of a challenge. 561 00:16:53,440 --> 00:16:56,160 Think about one area where you could improve 562 00:16:56,160 --> 00:16:58,560 how you talk to the people you care about. 563 00:16:58,560 --> 00:16:59,400 Oh yeah. 564 00:16:59,400 --> 00:17:00,960 Maybe you could be more mindful of your tone 565 00:17:00,960 --> 00:17:02,040 during an argument. 566 00:17:02,040 --> 00:17:02,880 Right. 567 00:17:02,880 --> 00:17:05,120 Or maybe it's finally having that conversation 568 00:17:05,120 --> 00:17:07,240 you've been putting off about what you really need. 569 00:17:07,240 --> 00:17:09,040 Ooh, that's a good one. 570 00:17:09,040 --> 00:17:09,880 Right? 571 00:17:09,880 --> 00:17:10,900 It can be anything. 572 00:17:10,900 --> 00:17:14,180 It can be anything, as long as it feels meaningful to you. 573 00:17:14,180 --> 00:17:15,240 I love that. 574 00:17:15,240 --> 00:17:17,360 It's practical, it's personal. 575 00:17:17,360 --> 00:17:18,200 Right. 576 00:17:18,200 --> 00:17:19,520 And literally anyone can do it. 577 00:17:19,520 --> 00:17:22,680 Exactly, because this stuff applies to every relationship. 578 00:17:22,680 --> 00:17:23,520 Oh, cool. 579 00:17:23,520 --> 00:17:26,080 Romantic relationships, friendships, even family. 580 00:17:26,080 --> 00:17:27,400 That's a deep dive, it's been amazing. 581 00:17:27,400 --> 00:17:28,900 It has, I've learned so much. 582 00:17:28,900 --> 00:17:29,960 Me too. 583 00:17:29,960 --> 00:17:32,240 So we went from figuring out how to apologize 584 00:17:32,240 --> 00:17:34,480 to talking about intimacy, 585 00:17:34,480 --> 00:17:36,320 and it all comes back to those same things. 586 00:17:36,320 --> 00:17:37,160 What things? 587 00:17:37,160 --> 00:17:38,280 Communication and accountability. 588 00:17:38,280 --> 00:17:41,480 It's all connected, and the best part, 589 00:17:41,480 --> 00:17:44,220 these are skills we can keep working on our whole lives. 590 00:17:44,220 --> 00:17:46,040 It's a journey, not a race. 591 00:17:46,040 --> 00:17:47,260 Exactly. 592 00:17:48,200 --> 00:17:50,480 Well, I've learned so much from this conversation, 593 00:17:50,480 --> 00:17:52,080 I hope our listeners have too. 594 00:17:52,080 --> 00:17:53,040 Me too. 595 00:17:53,040 --> 00:17:54,040 It's been a pleasure. 596 00:17:54,040 --> 00:17:55,520 Thanks for joining us, everyone. 597 00:17:55,520 --> 00:17:56,360 Until next time. 598 00:17:56,360 --> 00:17:58,600 And remember, keep those conversations going, 599 00:17:58,600 --> 00:18:22,600 those apologies sincere, and those connections strong.