Okay, so you know how sometimes dating advice can feel like
kinda overwhelming?
Yeah, like a maze.
Totally.
And you've sent us some articles about this
and we're gonna like dive deep into these dating myths
that we've all heard, right?
Yeah.
And we'll see if there's any truth to them
and more importantly, what you can actually use
because what's the point of advice if you can't use it?
Right.
It's so interesting because it's like,
people try to take this very complicated human experience
we call dating in relationships and kinda simplify it
into these little rules.
Yeah.
And it never really works, does it?
No, not really.
It's like using a map from the Stone Age
to get around in a Tesla.
Right.
It's just not gonna happen.
And I think a good example of that is this whole idea
of it'll happen when it's supposed to happen,
which I feel like we've all heard that one a million times.
Right.
But is there any truth to that?
Like should we all just sit back
and just let fate take the wheel?
Well, you know what's so interesting about that
is that it assumes that love is destined,
but it ignores the fact that we have to take action.
Oh, interesting.
So it might be comforting to think that.
Yeah.
But imagine if we use that logic
for other things in our lives, like careers.
Yeah, that's a good point.
Would you just sit there and be like,
oh, my dream job will just fall into my lap.
Never, I'd be so bored, I'd be broke.
Exactly.
It'd be a disaster.
And you know what's even more interesting
is if you look historically
at like how relationships were viewed,
even this concept of love being destined.
Yeah.
It wasn't always like that.
Really?
Like think of the Victorian era.
Okay.
Arranged marriages were the norm back then,
so relationships were very strategic.
It's so different than how we think about it now.
Right.
It was about family status, economics.
Wow.
So it just shows you how much culture plays a role.
Yeah, for sure.
So it seems like back then it was a lot less about like,
you know, finding the one,
and more about like fulfilling like societal expectations
and family obligations and things like that.
Yeah, and it was an active endeavor.
Okay.
It wasn't just waiting around.
It was like, okay, we gotta make this happen.
It makes you wonder how much of how we view love
is like actually like in our DNA versus how much is learned.
Yeah, it's really fascinating, isn't it?
Yeah, it's like a dating advice paradox almost.
It is.
And speaking of paradoxes,
let's talk about just be yourself.
Okay.
Because that's another one of those
that sounds really good on the surface.
Like, yeah, you wanna be authentic in a relationship.
Yeah.
But are we ever really just oneself?
That's a good question.
Like I'm not the same person I was five years ago.
Exactly.
Hopefully not.
I hope I've grown a little bit.
Right, and there's a lot of research
that shows that the self is not fixed.
It's constantly evolving.
Okay.
Every experience we have, everything we do,
kind of shapes who we are.
And especially in a relationship
because you're kind of growing and evolving together.
Exactly.
It's funny you mention evolving
because there's this quote by Jacques Lacan.
I think I'm saying his name right.
He said,
we are always looking for ourselves
in the mirror of the other.
Hmm.
It is. Yeah.
And it makes you think, right,
like how much are we shaping ourselves
based on how our partners are perceiving us?
Oh, that's a good point.
It's like we're always trying to see ourselves
through their eyes.
Yeah.
So it's less about like clinging to this like fixed idea
of who we are and more about being open to like,
who we're becoming.
Yeah.
And to be open to that, you have to be self-aware.
Right.
You have to be vulnerable.
For sure.
And there's this researcher, Carolyn Morph.
Okay.
And she studies narcissism actually,
but her work shows how fluid our self-concepts are
and how much they're influenced by feedback
we get from other people.
So you're saying even our understanding of ourselves
can change based on who we're in a relationship with?
Exactly.
Wow.
Well, it makes you think about like, you know,
those couples that just seem to like
bring out the best in each other.
Right.
And that's part of it.
Maybe.
So, okay, we've talked about being more proactive,
being open to growth,
but what about all those like strict dating rules
people have?
Like, you know, the whole wait three days to call thing.
Oh yeah.
Or like having a huge checklist of must haves.
Yeah, exactly.
It's like those rules end up hurting us
more than helping, don't they?
Totally.
Because like, what if you meet someone amazing?
Right.
But they don't fit perfectly into this box
you've created in your head.
Exactly.
It's like you're limiting yourself
before you even give them a chance.
Right.
And the psychologist, Dr. Susan Krause-Whitbourne,
she talks about this.
Okay.
She says, those rigid rules can actually make us blind
to potentially great partners.
It's like we're so focused on finding someone
who fixed this like perfect mold
that we miss out on like the real connections.
Exactly.
And then of course we can't forget about dating apps.
Oh yeah, how could we?
They've definitely like changed the game, haven't they?
They have for sure.
And they're great tools for meeting people,
but you know sometimes I wonder.
What's that?
If we're losing sight of the importance
of in-person interaction.
That's a really good point
because I feel like you can't really replicate
that spark you get when you meet someone face to face.
Like what is it about those in-person interactions
that make such a difference?
Well think about it this way.
When you meet someone through a shared interest,
like you know maybe at a pottery class or something.
Okay.
You're not just basing your connection on a profile
or a few messages.
Yeah, you're like actually doing something together.
Exactly, you're sharing an experience.
Right.
And there's something really powerful about that.
I can imagine.
Like you're way more likely to remember
that awkward first date if you were both trying
to make pottery and covered in clay.
Exactly.
Than if you were just swiping through profiles
on your phone.
And you know there's actually research that backs this up.
Really?
Yeah, studies have shown that couples
who meet through shared activities
or like through their social circles.
Okay.
They tend to be happier.
That's interesting.
They have higher relationship satisfaction.
Because it's like you're skipping a step almost.
Yeah, anyway.
They've already got that common ground.
Right.
Okay, so we've talked about being proactive,
being open to growth, ditching the rule book,
prioritizing shared experiences.
But what about love?
Like is it true that love conquers all?
Ah, the big L word.
Right.
Like should we never settle
or is that setting ourselves up for disappointment?
It's funny because love is obviously important.
Yeah.
But it's not always enough.
What do you mean?
Well, I mean, love is a powerful force,
but it's not a magical solution.
Yeah, that's true.
Like sometimes there are challenges
that love alone can't fix.
So are you saying that this idea that love conquers all
could actually be harmful?
In a way, yeah.
Because it sets up unrealistic expectations.
Oh, I see what you mean.
It's like, yeah, love is a great foundation,
but relationships take effort, compromise communication.
It's not always gonna be easy.
Exactly.
It really is.
It's kind of like expecting to run a marathon
without like training or stretching first.
Right.
Love might give you that initial burst of energy,
but you gotta put in the work for the long haul.
And speaking of work, there's this other idea out there
that you can like fix someone
or that they'll just magically change
once they meet the one.
Oh yeah, the whole you complete me fantasy.
Right.
Like is there any truth to that?
Can we actually change someone?
You know, I wish it were that easy,
but unfortunately the only person
we can really change is ourselves.
It's true.
I mean, we can't control how someone else thinks or feels.
Exactly.
We all have to choose our own paths.
And trying to force it usually just backfires, doesn't it?
It's like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole.
It is.
It creates more problems than it solves.
So instead of going into a relationship thinking,
oh, I can change this about them,
it's more about accepting them for who they are right now.
Yes.
And that requires being honest with yourself
about what you're willing to accept
and what your deal breakers are.
That's a good point.
It's about knowing your own boundaries.
I think we've covered a lot of ground today,
wouldn't you say?
We've tackled some pretty big dating myths.
We have.
And hopefully busted a few along the way.
Exactly.
So as we wrap things up, what are some key things
you hope our listeners are taking away from all of this?
Well, first and foremost, I hope they remember
that there's no magic formula when it comes to dating.
Right, like those rule books and those like step-by-step guides
you sometimes see.
Exactly.
What works for one person might not work for another.
Because we're all different people
with different wants and needs.
Yes.
It's about figuring out what works for you.
And that starts with understanding yourself.
Knowing your values, what you're looking for in a partner,
and being open to the journey.
Absolutely.
It's about being open to possibilities,
being willing to step outside your comfort zone,
and most importantly, being kind to yourself along the way.
I love that.
Because at the end of the day, it's
finding someone who makes you happy, someone
who you can be yourself with quirks and like.
Well, I should have said it better myself.
So to our listeners out there, remember,
ditch the rule book, be open to new experiences,
and don't be afraid to put yourself out there.
Who knows?
You might just surprise yourself.
And on that note, that's a wrap for this deep dive.
Until next time, happy dating, everyone.