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Okay, so you know how sometimes dating advice can feel like

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kinda overwhelming?

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Yeah, like a maze.

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Totally.

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And you've sent us some articles about this

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and we're gonna like dive deep into these dating myths

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that we've all heard, right?

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Yeah.

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And we'll see if there's any truth to them

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and more importantly, what you can actually use

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because what's the point of advice if you can't use it?

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Right.

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It's so interesting because it's like,

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people try to take this very complicated human experience

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we call dating in relationships and kinda simplify it

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into these little rules.

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Yeah.

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And it never really works, does it?

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No, not really.

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It's like using a map from the Stone Age

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to get around in a Tesla.

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Right.

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It's just not gonna happen.

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And I think a good example of that is this whole idea

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of it'll happen when it's supposed to happen,

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which I feel like we've all heard that one a million times.

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Right.

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But is there any truth to that?

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Like should we all just sit back

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and just let fate take the wheel?

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Well, you know what's so interesting about that

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is that it assumes that love is destined,

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but it ignores the fact that we have to take action.

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Oh, interesting.

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So it might be comforting to think that.

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Yeah.

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But imagine if we use that logic

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for other things in our lives, like careers.

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Yeah, that's a good point.

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Would you just sit there and be like,

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oh, my dream job will just fall into my lap.

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Never, I'd be so bored, I'd be broke.

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Exactly.

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It'd be a disaster.

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And you know what's even more interesting

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is if you look historically

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at like how relationships were viewed,

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even this concept of love being destined.

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Yeah.

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It wasn't always like that.

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Really?

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Like think of the Victorian era.

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Okay.

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Arranged marriages were the norm back then,

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so relationships were very strategic.

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It's so different than how we think about it now.

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Right.

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It was about family status, economics.

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Wow.

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So it just shows you how much culture plays a role.

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Yeah, for sure.

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So it seems like back then it was a lot less about like,

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you know, finding the one,

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and more about like fulfilling like societal expectations

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and family obligations and things like that.

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Yeah, and it was an active endeavor.

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Okay.

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It wasn't just waiting around.

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It was like, okay, we gotta make this happen.

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It makes you wonder how much of how we view love

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is like actually like in our DNA versus how much is learned.

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Yeah, it's really fascinating, isn't it?

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Yeah, it's like a dating advice paradox almost.

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It is.

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And speaking of paradoxes,

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let's talk about just be yourself.

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Okay.

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Because that's another one of those

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that sounds really good on the surface.

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Like, yeah, you wanna be authentic in a relationship.

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Yeah.

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But are we ever really just oneself?

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That's a good question.

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Like I'm not the same person I was five years ago.

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Exactly.

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Hopefully not.

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I hope I've grown a little bit.

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Right, and there's a lot of research

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that shows that the self is not fixed.

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It's constantly evolving.

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Okay.

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Every experience we have, everything we do,

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kind of shapes who we are.

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And especially in a relationship

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because you're kind of growing and evolving together.

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Exactly.

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It's funny you mention evolving

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because there's this quote by Jacques Lacan.

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I think I'm saying his name right.

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He said,

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we are always looking for ourselves

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in the mirror of the other.

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Hmm.

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It is. Yeah.

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And it makes you think, right,

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like how much are we shaping ourselves

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based on how our partners are perceiving us?

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Oh, that's a good point.

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It's like we're always trying to see ourselves

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through their eyes.

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Yeah.

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So it's less about like clinging to this like fixed idea

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of who we are and more about being open to like,

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who we're becoming.

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Yeah.

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And to be open to that, you have to be self-aware.

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Right.

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You have to be vulnerable.

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For sure.

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And there's this researcher, Carolyn Morph.

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Okay.

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And she studies narcissism actually,

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but her work shows how fluid our self-concepts are

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and how much they're influenced by feedback

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we get from other people.

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So you're saying even our understanding of ourselves

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can change based on who we're in a relationship with?

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Exactly.

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Wow.

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Well, it makes you think about like, you know,

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those couples that just seem to like

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bring out the best in each other.

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Right.

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And that's part of it.

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Maybe.

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So, okay, we've talked about being more proactive,

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being open to growth,

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but what about all those like strict dating rules

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people have?

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Like, you know, the whole wait three days to call thing.

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Oh yeah.

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Or like having a huge checklist of must haves.

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Yeah, exactly.

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It's like those rules end up hurting us

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more than helping, don't they?

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Totally.

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Because like, what if you meet someone amazing?

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Right.

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But they don't fit perfectly into this box

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you've created in your head.

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Exactly.

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It's like you're limiting yourself

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before you even give them a chance.

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Right.

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And the psychologist, Dr. Susan Krause-Whitbourne,

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she talks about this.

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Okay.

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She says, those rigid rules can actually make us blind

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to potentially great partners.

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It's like we're so focused on finding someone

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who fixed this like perfect mold

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that we miss out on like the real connections.

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Exactly.

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And then of course we can't forget about dating apps.

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Oh yeah, how could we?

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They've definitely like changed the game, haven't they?

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They have for sure.

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And they're great tools for meeting people,

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but you know sometimes I wonder.

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What's that?

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If we're losing sight of the importance

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of in-person interaction.

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That's a really good point

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because I feel like you can't really replicate

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that spark you get when you meet someone face to face.

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Like what is it about those in-person interactions

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that make such a difference?

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Well think about it this way.

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When you meet someone through a shared interest,

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like you know maybe at a pottery class or something.

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Okay.

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You're not just basing your connection on a profile

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or a few messages.

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Yeah, you're like actually doing something together.

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Exactly, you're sharing an experience.

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Right.

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And there's something really powerful about that.

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I can imagine.

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Like you're way more likely to remember

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that awkward first date if you were both trying

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to make pottery and covered in clay.

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Exactly.

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Than if you were just swiping through profiles

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on your phone.

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And you know there's actually research that backs this up.

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Really?

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Yeah, studies have shown that couples

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who meet through shared activities

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or like through their social circles.

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Okay.

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They tend to be happier.

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That's interesting.

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They have higher relationship satisfaction.

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Because it's like you're skipping a step almost.

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Yeah, anyway.

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They've already got that common ground.

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Right.

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Okay, so we've talked about being proactive,

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being open to growth, ditching the rule book,

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prioritizing shared experiences.

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But what about love?

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Like is it true that love conquers all?

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Ah, the big L word.

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Right.

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Like should we never settle

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or is that setting ourselves up for disappointment?

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It's funny because love is obviously important.

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Yeah.

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But it's not always enough.

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What do you mean?

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Well, I mean, love is a powerful force,

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but it's not a magical solution.

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Yeah, that's true.

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Like sometimes there are challenges

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that love alone can't fix.

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So are you saying that this idea that love conquers all

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could actually be harmful?

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In a way, yeah.

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Because it sets up unrealistic expectations.

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Oh, I see what you mean.

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It's like, yeah, love is a great foundation,

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but relationships take effort, compromise communication.

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It's not always gonna be easy.

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Exactly.

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It really is.

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It's kind of like expecting to run a marathon

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without like training or stretching first.

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Right.

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Love might give you that initial burst of energy,

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but you gotta put in the work for the long haul.

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And speaking of work, there's this other idea out there

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that you can like fix someone

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or that they'll just magically change

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once they meet the one.

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Oh yeah, the whole you complete me fantasy.

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Right.

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Like is there any truth to that?

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Can we actually change someone?

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You know, I wish it were that easy,

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but unfortunately the only person

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we can really change is ourselves.

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It's true.

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I mean, we can't control how someone else thinks or feels.

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Exactly.

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We all have to choose our own paths.

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And trying to force it usually just backfires, doesn't it?

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It's like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole.

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It is.

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It creates more problems than it solves.

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So instead of going into a relationship thinking,

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oh, I can change this about them,

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it's more about accepting them for who they are right now.

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Yes.

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And that requires being honest with yourself

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about what you're willing to accept

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and what your deal breakers are.

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That's a good point.

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It's about knowing your own boundaries.

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I think we've covered a lot of ground today,

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wouldn't you say?

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We've tackled some pretty big dating myths.

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We have.

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And hopefully busted a few along the way.

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Exactly.

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So as we wrap things up, what are some key things

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you hope our listeners are taking away from all of this?

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Well, first and foremost, I hope they remember

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that there's no magic formula when it comes to dating.

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Right, like those rule books and those like step-by-step guides

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you sometimes see.

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Exactly.

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What works for one person might not work for another.

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Because we're all different people

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with different wants and needs.

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Yes.

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It's about figuring out what works for you.

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And that starts with understanding yourself.

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Knowing your values, what you're looking for in a partner,

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and being open to the journey.

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Absolutely.

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It's about being open to possibilities,

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being willing to step outside your comfort zone,

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and most importantly, being kind to yourself along the way.

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I love that.

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Because at the end of the day, it's

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finding someone who makes you happy, someone

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who you can be yourself with quirks and like.

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Well, I should have said it better myself.

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So to our listeners out there, remember,

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ditch the rule book, be open to new experiences,

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and don't be afraid to put yourself out there.

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Who knows?

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You might just surprise yourself.

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And on that note, that's a wrap for this deep dive.

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Until next time, happy dating, everyone.