1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:03,120 Okay, ready for a deep dive? 2 00:00:03,120 --> 00:00:05,880 Today, it's all about self-compassion. 3 00:00:05,880 --> 00:00:07,080 Ooh, interesting. 4 00:00:07,080 --> 00:00:10,120 And no, not the treat yourself to extra dessert 5 00:00:10,120 --> 00:00:11,220 kind of self-compassion though, 6 00:00:11,220 --> 00:00:12,400 I'm always on board with that. 7 00:00:12,400 --> 00:00:13,240 Uh-huh, right. 8 00:00:13,240 --> 00:00:16,040 We're talking about how being kinder to ourselves, 9 00:00:16,040 --> 00:00:17,880 you know, even when we mess up, 10 00:00:17,880 --> 00:00:21,040 can actually make our romantic relationship stronger, 11 00:00:21,040 --> 00:00:22,560 more fulfilling even. 12 00:00:22,560 --> 00:00:25,960 It's amazing, isn't it, how much research is showing that? 13 00:00:25,960 --> 00:00:29,360 We're always trying to figure out our partners right. 14 00:00:29,360 --> 00:00:30,200 Yeah. 15 00:00:30,200 --> 00:00:32,440 But this deep dive is all about how 16 00:00:32,440 --> 00:00:33,760 understanding ourselves better, 17 00:00:33,760 --> 00:00:36,400 being kind to ourselves, especially when things are tough. 18 00:00:36,400 --> 00:00:37,220 Yeah. 19 00:00:37,220 --> 00:00:39,320 Could be the key to a good relationship. 20 00:00:39,320 --> 00:00:40,480 It's like that saying, right? 21 00:00:40,480 --> 00:00:42,240 You can't pour from an empty cup. 22 00:00:42,240 --> 00:00:46,100 But how does that actually work in a romantic relationship? 23 00:00:46,100 --> 00:00:47,520 Well, one thing that really stands out 24 00:00:47,520 --> 00:00:49,600 is conflict resolution. 25 00:00:49,600 --> 00:00:51,920 You know how some couples just like 26 00:00:51,920 --> 00:00:53,520 get stuck in those shouting matches? 27 00:00:53,520 --> 00:00:54,360 Oh yeah. 28 00:00:54,360 --> 00:00:56,280 Self-compassion can help us like 29 00:00:56,280 --> 00:00:58,800 slam the brace on that whole destructive pattern. 30 00:00:58,800 --> 00:01:00,480 Okay, now I'm really interested, tell me more. 31 00:01:00,480 --> 00:01:04,040 So people who are good at self-compassion, 32 00:01:04,040 --> 00:01:06,300 they tend to approach disagreements differently. 33 00:01:06,300 --> 00:01:08,040 They're less likely to, you know, 34 00:01:08,040 --> 00:01:10,560 make it personal or blame the other person. 35 00:01:10,560 --> 00:01:12,480 Because they can take that same compassion 36 00:01:12,480 --> 00:01:15,760 they give themselves and actually give it to their partner, 37 00:01:15,760 --> 00:01:16,680 even when they're arguing. 38 00:01:16,680 --> 00:01:19,680 So instead of like going straight for the jugular. 39 00:01:19,680 --> 00:01:20,520 Exactly. 40 00:01:20,520 --> 00:01:21,360 They're more likely to be like, 41 00:01:21,360 --> 00:01:22,720 hey, we're both stressed, 42 00:01:22,720 --> 00:01:25,040 but how can we actually solve this together? 43 00:01:25,040 --> 00:01:25,880 Exactly. 44 00:01:25,880 --> 00:01:28,100 They want a solution that works for both people. 45 00:01:28,100 --> 00:01:29,200 It's not about winning. 46 00:01:29,200 --> 00:01:31,400 That makes so much sense when you're beating yourself up 47 00:01:31,400 --> 00:01:32,640 all the time inside. 48 00:01:32,640 --> 00:01:33,480 Right. 49 00:01:33,480 --> 00:01:35,900 It's so easy to just like put that negativity 50 00:01:35,900 --> 00:01:37,480 onto the person you're with. 51 00:01:37,480 --> 00:01:39,760 But if you can be more understanding, 52 00:01:39,760 --> 00:01:41,800 more forgiving of yourself, 53 00:01:41,800 --> 00:01:44,560 you can bring that same energy to your relationship. 54 00:01:44,560 --> 00:01:45,400 Absolutely. 55 00:01:45,400 --> 00:01:47,280 And this isn't some new age thing, by the way. 56 00:01:47,280 --> 00:01:50,600 We can actually see this in like historical relationships too. 57 00:01:50,600 --> 00:01:53,280 Like think about John and Abigail Adams. 58 00:01:53,280 --> 00:01:55,860 Oh wow, those letters. 59 00:01:55,860 --> 00:01:58,280 They had some pretty heated debates, didn't they? 60 00:01:58,280 --> 00:01:59,120 They did. 61 00:01:59,120 --> 00:01:59,940 Yeah. 62 00:01:59,940 --> 00:02:01,240 But here's what's fascinating. 63 00:02:01,240 --> 00:02:04,240 Even with those strong disagreements, 64 00:02:04,240 --> 00:02:06,360 their letters show this deep respect. 65 00:02:06,360 --> 00:02:07,200 Yeah. 66 00:02:07,200 --> 00:02:08,040 And understanding. 67 00:02:08,040 --> 00:02:08,880 Yeah. 68 00:02:08,880 --> 00:02:09,920 For example, there's this one letter 69 00:02:09,920 --> 00:02:13,560 where John's writing to Abigail about a political rival. 70 00:02:13,560 --> 00:02:15,280 And he's clearly upset, right? 71 00:02:15,280 --> 00:02:19,520 Calls the guy's actions irksome, unproductive. 72 00:02:19,520 --> 00:02:21,200 So he's not mincing words. 73 00:02:21,200 --> 00:02:22,300 Not at all. 74 00:02:22,300 --> 00:02:24,040 But here's a self-compassion part. 75 00:02:24,040 --> 00:02:25,000 Instead of going on a rant 76 00:02:25,000 --> 00:02:26,880 about how terrible this other guy is, 77 00:02:26,880 --> 00:02:29,480 John stops, like he's checking himself. 78 00:02:29,480 --> 00:02:30,320 Yeah. 79 00:02:30,320 --> 00:02:31,140 And he writes, 80 00:02:31,140 --> 00:02:32,440 I must confess my dear 81 00:02:32,440 --> 00:02:34,320 that I may have been too quick to judge. 82 00:02:34,320 --> 00:02:35,160 Wow. 83 00:02:35,160 --> 00:02:37,200 And then he actually tries to see things 84 00:02:37,200 --> 00:02:38,480 from the other person's side. 85 00:02:38,480 --> 00:02:41,040 He even admits that maybe he made some mistakes 86 00:02:41,040 --> 00:02:42,100 in how he handled things. 87 00:02:42,100 --> 00:02:43,000 That's incredible. 88 00:02:43,000 --> 00:02:46,400 He's being like a model of self-compassionate communication. 89 00:02:46,400 --> 00:02:48,020 Even when he's disagreeing, 90 00:02:48,020 --> 00:02:50,880 it sounds like it's that willingness to look at himself, 91 00:02:50,880 --> 00:02:52,240 you know, admit his flaws. 92 00:02:52,240 --> 00:02:53,080 Yes. 93 00:02:53,080 --> 00:02:54,560 That lets him approach the whole conflict 94 00:02:54,560 --> 00:02:55,520 with more empathy. 95 00:02:55,520 --> 00:02:56,360 Absolutely. 96 00:02:56,360 --> 00:02:58,920 And Abigail's letters to him show it too, you know. 97 00:02:58,920 --> 00:02:59,760 Oh, interesting. 98 00:02:59,760 --> 00:03:00,880 They weren't afraid of disagreeing, 99 00:03:00,880 --> 00:03:02,720 but there was this respect, 100 00:03:02,720 --> 00:03:05,200 this self-awareness, really remarkable. 101 00:03:05,200 --> 00:03:07,340 Okay, so we've got a founding father 102 00:03:07,340 --> 00:03:09,120 and his brilliant wife on board 103 00:03:09,120 --> 00:03:11,200 with this whole self-compassion thing. 104 00:03:11,200 --> 00:03:13,160 But what about relationships today? 105 00:03:13,160 --> 00:03:14,100 Oh, totally. 106 00:03:14,100 --> 00:03:17,340 Like, are there any celebrity couples, 107 00:03:17,340 --> 00:03:18,760 you know, who back this up? 108 00:03:18,760 --> 00:03:19,800 Oh, absolutely. 109 00:03:19,800 --> 00:03:22,200 Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard. 110 00:03:22,200 --> 00:03:25,120 They're very open about how important self-compassion 111 00:03:25,120 --> 00:03:26,040 is in their marriage. 112 00:03:26,040 --> 00:03:26,860 Right. 113 00:03:26,860 --> 00:03:30,680 They're both hilarious, successful, strong personalities. 114 00:03:30,680 --> 00:03:31,520 Oh, yeah. 115 00:03:31,520 --> 00:03:34,460 So, you know, they must have their share of disagreements. 116 00:03:34,460 --> 00:03:35,540 I can only imagine. 117 00:03:35,540 --> 00:03:37,560 But they always seem so playful down to earth. 118 00:03:37,560 --> 00:03:38,820 What's their secret? 119 00:03:38,820 --> 00:03:40,920 Well, they've talked about how crucial it is 120 00:03:40,920 --> 00:03:42,480 to own your own emotions. 121 00:03:42,480 --> 00:03:43,320 Yeah. 122 00:03:43,320 --> 00:03:44,700 Your own reactions to things. 123 00:03:44,700 --> 00:03:47,640 So instead of blaming each other when things get heated, 124 00:03:47,640 --> 00:03:49,340 they try to be curious about it, 125 00:03:49,340 --> 00:03:51,600 compassionate toward themselves and each other. 126 00:03:51,600 --> 00:03:53,080 So it's about being able to say, 127 00:03:53,080 --> 00:03:54,380 okay, I'm really angry right now. 128 00:03:54,380 --> 00:03:55,740 I need a minute to figure this out 129 00:03:55,740 --> 00:03:58,140 before we can like actually talk about it. 130 00:03:58,140 --> 00:03:58,980 Exactly. 131 00:03:58,980 --> 00:04:01,320 And it sounds like they've really worked 132 00:04:01,320 --> 00:04:04,580 at building that self-awareness, that emotional resilience, 133 00:04:04,580 --> 00:04:08,480 which is huge for handling conflict in a healthy way. 134 00:04:08,480 --> 00:04:10,480 It's refreshing to hear, honestly. 135 00:04:10,480 --> 00:04:13,840 Even celebrities have the same relationship stuff we do. 136 00:04:13,840 --> 00:04:15,880 So we've got arguing better. 137 00:04:15,880 --> 00:04:16,720 Right. 138 00:04:16,720 --> 00:04:19,860 Or at least less destructively, thanks to self-compassion. 139 00:04:19,860 --> 00:04:23,040 What other good stuff does it do for our relationships? 140 00:04:23,040 --> 00:04:25,000 Well, this is where it gets really interesting. 141 00:04:25,000 --> 00:04:26,860 Research is showing that self-compassion 142 00:04:26,860 --> 00:04:29,200 is a major building block for trust. 143 00:04:29,200 --> 00:04:30,200 Okay, hold on. 144 00:04:30,200 --> 00:04:33,960 How does being nice to myself make me trust my partner more? 145 00:04:33,960 --> 00:04:34,800 Explain that one. 146 00:04:34,800 --> 00:04:36,500 Think of it like this. 147 00:04:36,500 --> 00:04:38,480 When you have that self-compassion, 148 00:04:38,480 --> 00:04:42,180 you tend to have less self-doubt, less insecurity. 149 00:04:42,180 --> 00:04:43,880 You're not always fighting that inner voice 150 00:04:43,880 --> 00:04:45,720 that says you're not good enough, not smart enough, 151 00:04:45,720 --> 00:04:46,720 not attractive enough. 152 00:04:46,720 --> 00:04:47,560 Yeah. 153 00:04:47,560 --> 00:04:49,160 And when you're not stuck with those bad beliefs 154 00:04:49,160 --> 00:04:51,000 about yourself, you're less likely 155 00:04:51,000 --> 00:04:52,340 to put them onto your partner. 156 00:04:52,340 --> 00:04:54,820 So less of that, why hasn't he texted back? 157 00:04:54,820 --> 00:04:56,280 He must be losing interest. 158 00:04:56,280 --> 00:04:58,700 Spiral. 159 00:04:58,700 --> 00:04:59,920 Exactly. 160 00:04:59,920 --> 00:05:01,600 You can give your partner the benefit of the doubt 161 00:05:01,600 --> 00:05:03,000 because you're not letting your own insecurities 162 00:05:03,000 --> 00:05:03,880 run the show. 163 00:05:03,880 --> 00:05:06,060 So when we're kinder to ourselves, 164 00:05:06,060 --> 00:05:09,160 we don't automatically assume the worst about our partners. 165 00:05:09,160 --> 00:05:10,380 That's pretty cool. 166 00:05:10,380 --> 00:05:12,960 But it's kind of counterintuitive, right? 167 00:05:12,960 --> 00:05:13,800 Yeah. 168 00:05:13,800 --> 00:05:15,060 Wouldn't being harder on myself 169 00:05:15,060 --> 00:05:17,000 make me expect more from my partner? 170 00:05:17,000 --> 00:05:18,480 Seems like it, yeah. 171 00:05:18,480 --> 00:05:21,880 But the research, it actually suggests the opposite. 172 00:05:21,880 --> 00:05:22,720 Talk to Brene Brown. 173 00:05:22,720 --> 00:05:24,640 She's done some really amazing work 174 00:05:24,640 --> 00:05:27,160 on vulnerability and shame. 175 00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:28,280 Yeah, yeah. 176 00:05:28,280 --> 00:05:30,400 She talks about how important self-compassion 177 00:05:30,400 --> 00:05:33,480 is for feeling secure in relationships. 178 00:05:33,480 --> 00:05:36,200 OK, so tell me more about this whole self-compassion, 179 00:05:36,200 --> 00:05:37,920 secure attachment link. 180 00:05:37,920 --> 00:05:41,320 Well, when you're stuck in that cycle of constantly criticizing 181 00:05:41,320 --> 00:05:44,360 yourself, it's easy to feel insecure, right? 182 00:05:44,360 --> 00:05:45,520 You don't deserve love. 183 00:05:45,520 --> 00:05:46,000 Yeah. 184 00:05:46,000 --> 00:05:47,680 And that insecurity, it can come out 185 00:05:47,680 --> 00:05:50,360 of relationships in, well, not so great ways, 186 00:05:50,360 --> 00:05:54,520 being clingy, getting jealous, needing constant reassurance. 187 00:05:54,520 --> 00:05:55,040 Oh, yeah. 188 00:05:55,040 --> 00:05:56,040 I know those patterns. 189 00:05:56,040 --> 00:05:57,700 It's like you're projecting all your own stuff 190 00:05:57,700 --> 00:05:58,480 onto your partner. 191 00:05:58,480 --> 00:05:58,980 Yeah. 192 00:05:58,980 --> 00:06:00,560 And onto the relationship itself. 193 00:06:00,560 --> 00:06:01,680 Exactly. 194 00:06:01,680 --> 00:06:03,680 But when you practice self-compassion, 195 00:06:03,680 --> 00:06:06,800 you create this sense of safety within yourself. 196 00:06:06,800 --> 00:06:08,880 You don't need your partner to constantly tell you 197 00:06:08,880 --> 00:06:09,720 you're worthy. 198 00:06:09,720 --> 00:06:11,000 Interesting. 199 00:06:11,000 --> 00:06:12,760 So you can show up in the relationship 200 00:06:12,760 --> 00:06:14,460 with more confidence. 201 00:06:14,460 --> 00:06:15,840 You can be more yourself. 202 00:06:15,840 --> 00:06:17,160 That makes a lot of sense. 203 00:06:17,160 --> 00:06:18,680 It's like self-compassion. 204 00:06:18,680 --> 00:06:20,040 It's the foundation. 205 00:06:20,040 --> 00:06:21,880 And then you're not looking to your partner 206 00:06:21,880 --> 00:06:24,640 to fill in all the gaps in your own self-esteem. 207 00:06:24,640 --> 00:06:25,480 Exactly. 208 00:06:25,480 --> 00:06:27,880 And that security, it lets you be more intimate, too. 209 00:06:27,880 --> 00:06:30,260 You're not on edge all the time, worried 210 00:06:30,260 --> 00:06:33,160 about if you're good enough, if they really care. 211 00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:34,520 Sounds like everyone wins. 212 00:06:34,520 --> 00:06:36,560 OK, so we're arguing less. 213 00:06:36,560 --> 00:06:38,680 We're not sending those late night anxiety texts. 214 00:06:38,680 --> 00:06:39,180 Right. 215 00:06:39,180 --> 00:06:39,680 But hold on. 216 00:06:39,680 --> 00:06:41,640 Earlier you said that self-compassion, 217 00:06:41,640 --> 00:06:43,280 it can actually make our partners more 218 00:06:43,280 --> 00:06:44,840 committed to the relationship. 219 00:06:44,840 --> 00:06:46,000 Now, that's a bold claim. 220 00:06:46,000 --> 00:06:46,880 I need details. 221 00:06:46,880 --> 00:06:48,440 It is surprising, isn't it? 222 00:06:48,440 --> 00:06:52,000 But what they're finding is self-compassionate people, 223 00:06:52,000 --> 00:06:55,560 they're just more authentic, less driven by their ego 224 00:06:55,560 --> 00:06:56,680 in their relationships. 225 00:06:56,680 --> 00:06:57,960 So they're not putting on an act, 226 00:06:57,960 --> 00:06:59,220 trying to be someone they're not, 227 00:06:59,220 --> 00:07:00,480 just to please their partner. 228 00:07:00,480 --> 00:07:01,920 Precisely. 229 00:07:01,920 --> 00:07:04,480 They're OK with being vulnerable, 230 00:07:04,480 --> 00:07:07,400 showing their true selves, flaws and all. 231 00:07:07,400 --> 00:07:11,920 And that authenticity, it can be incredibly attractive. 232 00:07:11,920 --> 00:07:13,580 Because who wants to be with someone who's 233 00:07:13,580 --> 00:07:15,000 always trying to be perfect? 234 00:07:15,000 --> 00:07:15,500 Right. 235 00:07:15,500 --> 00:07:16,760 That would be exhausting. 236 00:07:16,760 --> 00:07:18,200 I'd much rather be with someone who 237 00:07:18,200 --> 00:07:20,880 can admit when they're wrong or when they just 238 00:07:20,880 --> 00:07:21,840 need some support. 239 00:07:21,840 --> 00:07:22,400 Absolutely. 240 00:07:22,400 --> 00:07:25,200 It builds so much trust when both people can just 241 00:07:25,200 --> 00:07:26,080 be themselves. 242 00:07:26,080 --> 00:07:27,880 And that trust, that's a big part 243 00:07:27,880 --> 00:07:29,160 of why people stay committed. 244 00:07:29,160 --> 00:07:31,520 OK, so self-compassion isn't about being 245 00:07:31,520 --> 00:07:32,880 raised to ourselves. 246 00:07:32,880 --> 00:07:35,160 It's about building stronger relationships. 247 00:07:35,160 --> 00:07:37,080 It all starts from the inside out. 248 00:07:37,080 --> 00:07:37,920 You got it. 249 00:07:37,920 --> 00:07:38,880 Now, this is interesting. 250 00:07:38,880 --> 00:07:40,540 The research found something pretty cool. 251 00:07:40,540 --> 00:07:41,280 OK. 252 00:07:41,280 --> 00:07:43,960 Men, specifically, they say they're 253 00:07:43,960 --> 00:07:46,240 more satisfied in their relationships 254 00:07:46,240 --> 00:07:48,920 when their female partners are self-compassionate. 255 00:07:48,920 --> 00:07:49,640 Really? 256 00:07:49,640 --> 00:07:50,600 Why is that? 257 00:07:50,600 --> 00:07:53,880 Are men just like wired to want a partner who's 258 00:07:53,880 --> 00:07:56,160 more easygoing, someone who doesn't stress 259 00:07:56,160 --> 00:07:57,200 about the little things? 260 00:07:57,200 --> 00:07:58,960 Well, it could be more complex than that. 261 00:07:58,960 --> 00:08:01,000 It probably ties into what society 262 00:08:01,000 --> 00:08:02,560 expects from men and women. 263 00:08:02,560 --> 00:08:04,480 The roles we're kind of taught to play. 264 00:08:04,480 --> 00:08:07,680 Women are often expected to be the emotional caretakers, 265 00:08:07,680 --> 00:08:10,040 the ones who are always nurturing, always supporting. 266 00:08:10,040 --> 00:08:13,020 That's true, but I don't quite see how that connects 267 00:08:13,020 --> 00:08:14,800 to self-compassion yet. 268 00:08:14,800 --> 00:08:17,640 Well, imagine a woman who's always criticizing herself, 269 00:08:17,640 --> 00:08:19,000 always insecure. 270 00:08:19,000 --> 00:08:20,520 It's going to be way harder for her 271 00:08:20,520 --> 00:08:22,960 to give emotional support to her partner when she's 272 00:08:22,960 --> 00:08:24,240 feeling so drained herself. 273 00:08:24,240 --> 00:08:24,760 Right. 274 00:08:24,760 --> 00:08:25,760 Yeah, if that makes sense. 275 00:08:25,760 --> 00:08:27,760 You can't exactly be a supportive partner 276 00:08:27,760 --> 00:08:29,600 if you're barely holding it together yourself. 277 00:08:29,600 --> 00:08:30,100 Exactly. 278 00:08:30,100 --> 00:08:33,600 But when a woman practices self-compassion, 279 00:08:33,600 --> 00:08:35,920 she can actually show up for her partner. 280 00:08:35,920 --> 00:08:38,400 She's not bogged down by those negative thoughts, 281 00:08:38,400 --> 00:08:40,400 not always needing validation. 282 00:08:40,400 --> 00:08:43,040 So she has more energy for the relationship. 283 00:08:43,040 --> 00:08:43,960 I see what you mean. 284 00:08:43,960 --> 00:08:46,000 It's like self-compassion frees up space 285 00:08:46,000 --> 00:08:49,360 to be more present, more attentive in the relationship. 286 00:08:49,360 --> 00:08:50,040 Exactly. 287 00:08:50,040 --> 00:08:52,680 And that creates a better experience for both people. 288 00:08:52,680 --> 00:08:55,240 The man feels supported, cared for. 289 00:08:55,240 --> 00:08:57,480 The woman, she feels more confident, secure, 290 00:08:57,480 --> 00:08:59,400 and being there for him in a real way. 291 00:08:59,400 --> 00:09:01,800 So it really is the gift that keeps on giving. 292 00:09:01,800 --> 00:09:02,960 Now, I do have a question. 293 00:09:02,960 --> 00:09:05,340 We're talking a lot about romantic relationships. 294 00:09:05,340 --> 00:09:06,120 Yeah. 295 00:09:06,120 --> 00:09:08,800 Does this apply to other parts of life, too? 296 00:09:08,800 --> 00:09:12,180 If I'm nicer to myself, am I also a better friend? 297 00:09:12,180 --> 00:09:13,520 What about with my family? 298 00:09:13,520 --> 00:09:14,800 Great question. 299 00:09:14,800 --> 00:09:19,800 And yes, the good news is self-compassions benefits. 300 00:09:19,800 --> 00:09:21,560 They go way beyond romance. 301 00:09:21,560 --> 00:09:25,680 It can impact all your relationships, friends, family, 302 00:09:25,680 --> 00:09:26,560 even your work life. 303 00:09:26,560 --> 00:09:27,840 OK, I'm here for it. 304 00:09:27,840 --> 00:09:29,120 Tell me everything. 305 00:09:29,120 --> 00:09:31,360 How does it work with those other relationships? 306 00:09:31,360 --> 00:09:32,320 Let's start with friends. 307 00:09:32,320 --> 00:09:32,840 Yeah. 308 00:09:32,840 --> 00:09:36,440 Have you noticed it's easier to be there for a friend 309 00:09:36,440 --> 00:09:38,120 when you're feeling good about yourself? 310 00:09:38,120 --> 00:09:39,180 Oh, absolutely. 311 00:09:39,180 --> 00:09:42,520 If I'm feeling confident, happy, then I'm 312 00:09:42,520 --> 00:09:44,800 that friend who's supportive, encouraging, really 313 00:09:44,800 --> 00:09:45,720 present for them. 314 00:09:45,720 --> 00:09:48,840 But if I'm feeling down on myself, it's different. 315 00:09:48,840 --> 00:09:50,040 Exactly. 316 00:09:50,040 --> 00:09:51,720 When you're struggling with self-criticism, 317 00:09:51,720 --> 00:09:53,840 those negative thoughts, it's harder 318 00:09:53,840 --> 00:09:55,280 to give empathy to other people. 319 00:09:55,280 --> 00:09:56,360 You're stuck in your own head. 320 00:09:56,360 --> 00:09:57,080 100%. 321 00:09:57,080 --> 00:09:59,320 It's like that saying, you can't pour from an empty cup. 322 00:09:59,320 --> 00:10:02,000 If I'm not taking care of myself emotionally, 323 00:10:02,000 --> 00:10:03,760 then I don't have much left to give to my friends 324 00:10:03,760 --> 00:10:04,600 when they need it. 325 00:10:04,600 --> 00:10:05,800 Exactly. 326 00:10:05,800 --> 00:10:08,200 Self-compassion, it refills your cup. 327 00:10:08,200 --> 00:10:09,800 When you can be kind to yourself, 328 00:10:09,800 --> 00:10:11,220 understand yourself, especially when 329 00:10:11,220 --> 00:10:12,180 you're having a tough time. 330 00:10:12,180 --> 00:10:12,960 Yeah. 331 00:10:12,960 --> 00:10:14,520 You have more to give to others. 332 00:10:14,520 --> 00:10:17,640 It's like giving yourself permission to be human, 333 00:10:17,640 --> 00:10:19,880 to have flaws, make mistakes. 334 00:10:19,880 --> 00:10:22,560 And then you can give that same grace to your friends, too. 335 00:10:22,560 --> 00:10:23,440 Exactly. 336 00:10:23,440 --> 00:10:23,840 Yeah. 337 00:10:23,840 --> 00:10:26,440 You're not trying to be perfect, so you're not expecting them 338 00:10:26,440 --> 00:10:27,480 to be perfect either. 339 00:10:27,480 --> 00:10:30,480 It just makes those connections feel more real, more 340 00:10:30,480 --> 00:10:31,160 supportive. 341 00:10:31,160 --> 00:10:32,680 That makes a lot of sense for friendships. 342 00:10:32,680 --> 00:10:34,640 But families, that's a whole other challenge. 343 00:10:34,640 --> 00:10:36,320 Families are great, but let's be real. 344 00:10:36,320 --> 00:10:36,820 Oh, yeah. 345 00:10:36,820 --> 00:10:38,280 They know how to push our buttons. 346 00:10:38,280 --> 00:10:39,480 Tell me about it. 347 00:10:39,480 --> 00:10:40,720 Holiday gatherings, am I right? 348 00:10:40,720 --> 00:10:42,400 Oh, please, don't even remind me. 349 00:10:42,400 --> 00:10:44,800 But seriously, how does self-compassion 350 00:10:44,800 --> 00:10:48,000 help with those tricky family dynamics? 351 00:10:48,000 --> 00:10:50,520 Well, think about a time a family member, 352 00:10:50,520 --> 00:10:53,720 maybe they said something, did something, that just really 353 00:10:53,720 --> 00:10:55,720 rubbed you the wrong way. 354 00:10:55,720 --> 00:10:59,240 Criticized your choices, brought up some old argument. 355 00:10:59,240 --> 00:11:02,200 It's easy to fall back into that resentment, that blame game. 356 00:11:02,200 --> 00:11:04,920 Oh, it's like my own personal family drama highlight reel, 357 00:11:04,920 --> 00:11:06,440 just on loop in my head. 358 00:11:06,440 --> 00:11:07,200 Right. 359 00:11:07,200 --> 00:11:10,020 But here's where self-compassion changes things. 360 00:11:10,020 --> 00:11:13,400 It's like a shield against that knee-jerk reaction. 361 00:11:13,400 --> 00:11:15,520 You're less likely to get triggered because you're not 362 00:11:15,520 --> 00:11:17,280 taking it all so personally. 363 00:11:17,280 --> 00:11:19,360 So instead of immediately snapping back, 364 00:11:19,360 --> 00:11:21,600 or doing that whole silent treatment thing, 365 00:11:21,600 --> 00:11:25,280 you can just pause and then respond 366 00:11:25,280 --> 00:11:28,000 in a way that's more intentional. 367 00:11:28,000 --> 00:11:28,480 Exactly. 368 00:11:28,480 --> 00:11:30,160 You can say, hey, that hurt. 369 00:11:30,160 --> 00:11:31,660 I don't think you meant it that way, 370 00:11:31,660 --> 00:11:33,120 but it brought up some stuff for me. 371 00:11:33,120 --> 00:11:34,780 OK, so you're being honest about your feelings, 372 00:11:34,780 --> 00:11:35,960 but you're not attacking them. 373 00:11:35,960 --> 00:11:36,480 Right. 374 00:11:36,480 --> 00:11:40,120 And just by naming your emotion in a calm way, 375 00:11:40,120 --> 00:11:41,800 it opens the door. 376 00:11:41,800 --> 00:11:43,960 They might surprise you and be understanding. 377 00:11:43,960 --> 00:11:46,000 Like you're breaking the cycle, creating space 378 00:11:46,000 --> 00:11:47,320 for a better conversation. 379 00:11:47,320 --> 00:11:48,360 Exactly. 380 00:11:48,360 --> 00:11:49,880 And even if they don't get it, even 381 00:11:49,880 --> 00:11:52,920 if they can't be compassionate in that moment, 382 00:11:52,920 --> 00:11:54,760 you've still done something good for yourself. 383 00:11:54,760 --> 00:11:56,940 You set a boundary, honored your feelings, 384 00:11:56,940 --> 00:12:00,040 and you chose kindness, not that knee-jerk reaction. 385 00:12:00,040 --> 00:12:01,560 Sounds pretty empowering. 386 00:12:01,560 --> 00:12:02,040 Yeah. 387 00:12:02,040 --> 00:12:04,400 And so much healthier than just stewing 388 00:12:04,400 --> 00:12:05,600 in those negative feelings. 389 00:12:05,600 --> 00:12:06,560 It is. 390 00:12:06,560 --> 00:12:09,480 Self-compassion isn't about letting people walk all over you 391 00:12:09,480 --> 00:12:11,880 or pretending everything's OK when it's not. 392 00:12:11,880 --> 00:12:13,600 It's about showing up for yourself 393 00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:17,840 with kindness, understanding, even when things are hard. 394 00:12:17,840 --> 00:12:21,160 OK, so we've got friendships, family. 395 00:12:21,160 --> 00:12:22,360 What about work? 396 00:12:22,360 --> 00:12:24,520 Can you really be self-compassionate 397 00:12:24,520 --> 00:12:28,680 in such a high-pressure, get-things-done environment? 398 00:12:28,680 --> 00:12:29,760 That's a great question. 399 00:12:29,760 --> 00:12:31,380 And actually, you might be surprised. 400 00:12:31,380 --> 00:12:34,840 Self-compassion, it could be a real advantage at work. 401 00:12:34,840 --> 00:12:36,000 OK, now I'm really interested. 402 00:12:36,000 --> 00:12:37,420 I always thought of self-compassion 403 00:12:37,420 --> 00:12:40,000 as something you do in your personal life, 404 00:12:40,000 --> 00:12:41,040 not at the office. 405 00:12:41,040 --> 00:12:42,160 It's true. 406 00:12:42,160 --> 00:12:44,440 We're kind of taught that to succeed, 407 00:12:44,440 --> 00:12:46,160 we have to be tough on ourselves, 408 00:12:46,160 --> 00:12:49,360 that being self-critical is what pushes us to work harder. 409 00:12:49,360 --> 00:12:52,140 But honestly, always beating yourself up, 410 00:12:52,140 --> 00:12:54,080 it's not sustainable. 411 00:12:54,080 --> 00:12:55,880 And you're not doing your best work that way. 412 00:12:55,880 --> 00:12:57,320 Yeah, I'm realizing that more and more. 413 00:12:57,320 --> 00:12:59,360 I've definitely been my own worst enemy at work, 414 00:12:59,360 --> 00:13:00,920 and it's never really helped anything. 415 00:13:00,920 --> 00:13:01,560 Exactly. 416 00:13:01,560 --> 00:13:04,480 When you're stuck in that cycle of self-doubt, 417 00:13:04,480 --> 00:13:07,120 it's hard to take risks, to really put yourself out there 418 00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:09,680 or to bounce back when things go wrong. 419 00:13:09,680 --> 00:13:13,240 You're too busy second-guessing, worrying about messing up, 420 00:13:13,240 --> 00:13:16,240 comparing yourself to everyone else. 421 00:13:16,240 --> 00:13:18,680 That is a perfect recipe for burnout. 422 00:13:18,680 --> 00:13:20,840 So are you saying self-compassion can actually 423 00:13:20,840 --> 00:13:22,520 help us do better at work? 424 00:13:22,520 --> 00:13:23,520 Absolutely. 425 00:13:23,520 --> 00:13:26,040 The research, it actually shows self-compassion 426 00:13:26,040 --> 00:13:28,240 could be a total game changer professionally. 427 00:13:28,240 --> 00:13:29,080 OK, tell me more. 428 00:13:29,080 --> 00:13:29,880 How does that work? 429 00:13:29,880 --> 00:13:32,160 When you're kind to yourself, especially 430 00:13:32,160 --> 00:13:36,360 when you face challenges, setbacks, even failures, 431 00:13:36,360 --> 00:13:39,200 it builds your resilience, your creativity. 432 00:13:39,200 --> 00:13:41,600 It makes you more willing to learn and grow. 433 00:13:41,600 --> 00:13:44,280 So instead of dwelling on a mistake, 434 00:13:44,280 --> 00:13:48,160 letting it ruin my day, I can say, OK, I messed up. 435 00:13:48,160 --> 00:13:49,600 What can I learn? 436 00:13:49,600 --> 00:13:51,200 And then move on, feeling better. 437 00:13:51,200 --> 00:13:51,920 Exactly. 438 00:13:51,920 --> 00:13:54,480 Self-compassion helps you embrace those challenges. 439 00:13:54,480 --> 00:13:57,080 You see them as chances to get better, not 440 00:13:57,080 --> 00:13:58,760 as threats to your ego. 441 00:13:58,760 --> 00:14:00,520 That is such a better way to look at it. 442 00:14:00,520 --> 00:14:03,320 And it makes sense, because when you're always down on yourself, 443 00:14:03,320 --> 00:14:05,080 it's hard to be creative, productive. 444 00:14:05,080 --> 00:14:06,200 You can't be your best self. 445 00:14:06,200 --> 00:14:07,160 Exactly. 446 00:14:07,160 --> 00:14:09,080 And here's another fascinating thing. 447 00:14:09,080 --> 00:14:12,920 Studies have actually shown that leaders 448 00:14:12,920 --> 00:14:15,280 who are self-compassionate, they create 449 00:14:15,280 --> 00:14:18,560 much more positive workplaces, more supportive. 450 00:14:18,560 --> 00:14:19,880 Now, that is really interesting. 451 00:14:19,880 --> 00:14:22,720 So it's not just about individual performance. 452 00:14:22,720 --> 00:14:24,440 It's how self-compassion can actually 453 00:14:24,440 --> 00:14:26,400 change the whole atmosphere of a workplace. 454 00:14:26,400 --> 00:14:27,640 Exactly. 455 00:14:27,640 --> 00:14:30,520 When leaders model that self-compassion, 456 00:14:30,520 --> 00:14:32,240 it trickles down. 457 00:14:32,240 --> 00:14:35,360 People feel safer taking risks, being more innovative. 458 00:14:35,360 --> 00:14:37,080 They support each other more. 459 00:14:37,080 --> 00:14:39,920 It creates trust, respect. 460 00:14:39,920 --> 00:14:42,480 People feel valued for who they are, not just 461 00:14:42,480 --> 00:14:43,720 for what they produce. 462 00:14:43,720 --> 00:14:46,280 That sounds amazing, especially these days 463 00:14:46,280 --> 00:14:47,600 when everything's so competitive. 464 00:14:47,600 --> 00:14:50,520 So what I'm hearing is self-compassion isn't just 465 00:14:50,520 --> 00:14:52,720 some fluffy idea. 466 00:14:52,720 --> 00:14:53,520 No, not at all. 467 00:14:53,520 --> 00:14:56,480 It can really help us build stronger relationships, 468 00:14:56,480 --> 00:14:59,440 handle challenges better, and even boost our careers. 469 00:14:59,440 --> 00:15:00,240 Who knew? 470 00:15:00,240 --> 00:15:02,920 It all comes back to remembering that we're all human. 471 00:15:02,920 --> 00:15:03,640 We all mess up. 472 00:15:03,640 --> 00:15:05,240 We all face setbacks. 473 00:15:05,240 --> 00:15:06,840 We all have those days where we just feel 474 00:15:06,840 --> 00:15:08,080 like we're not good enough. 475 00:15:08,080 --> 00:15:08,480 Yeah. 476 00:15:08,480 --> 00:15:10,360 And in those moments, the best thing we can do 477 00:15:10,360 --> 00:15:12,600 is give ourselves the same kindness we give to a friend. 478 00:15:12,600 --> 00:15:15,760 So simple, but it feels kind of revolutionary, you know? 479 00:15:15,760 --> 00:15:16,600 It really is. 480 00:15:16,600 --> 00:15:18,400 Why don't we learn this when we're kids? 481 00:15:18,400 --> 00:15:20,720 Imagine how different the world would be if we all 482 00:15:20,720 --> 00:15:23,880 knew how to be kinder to ourselves and each other. 483 00:15:23,880 --> 00:15:25,400 I know, right? 484 00:15:25,400 --> 00:15:26,600 I think about that a lot. 485 00:15:26,600 --> 00:15:28,880 But the good news is it's never too late to start. 486 00:15:28,880 --> 00:15:31,040 OK, so we've established self-compassion 487 00:15:31,040 --> 00:15:34,080 is basically the secret ingredient for a happier, 488 00:15:34,080 --> 00:15:35,760 more fulfilling life. 489 00:15:35,760 --> 00:15:37,560 But let's get real. 490 00:15:37,560 --> 00:15:39,960 It's easy to talk about being kind to ourselves. 491 00:15:39,960 --> 00:15:40,440 Right. 492 00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:42,960 It's a lot harder to actually do it, you know? 493 00:15:42,960 --> 00:15:46,960 Especially when life gets crazy or stressed, feeling down. 494 00:15:46,960 --> 00:15:48,040 You're absolutely right. 495 00:15:48,040 --> 00:15:48,920 It's not always easy. 496 00:15:48,920 --> 00:15:49,600 It takes effort. 497 00:15:49,600 --> 00:15:51,040 It takes practice. 498 00:15:51,040 --> 00:15:53,880 But there are things we can do, practical steps 499 00:15:53,880 --> 00:15:57,280 to build that self-compassion muscle into our daily lives. 500 00:15:57,280 --> 00:15:59,480 And that's what we'll be talking about after the break. 501 00:15:59,480 --> 00:16:02,200 OK, so we've covered so much ground. 502 00:16:02,200 --> 00:16:04,360 And honestly, this whole self-compassion thing, 503 00:16:04,360 --> 00:16:05,880 it's really inspiring. 504 00:16:05,880 --> 00:16:07,200 It is powerful, isn't it? 505 00:16:07,200 --> 00:16:10,440 But I know myself, it's easy to just understand something 506 00:16:10,440 --> 00:16:12,560 and a whole other thing to actually live it. 507 00:16:12,560 --> 00:16:13,040 Right. 508 00:16:13,040 --> 00:16:14,520 Especially when life gets tough. 509 00:16:14,520 --> 00:16:16,280 So where do we even start? 510 00:16:16,280 --> 00:16:18,200 How do we actually get better at this, you know? 511 00:16:18,200 --> 00:16:20,840 Especially when that inner critic is being super loud. 512 00:16:20,840 --> 00:16:21,520 You're spot on. 513 00:16:21,520 --> 00:16:23,800 It's about actually using what we know. 514 00:16:23,800 --> 00:16:25,400 And the good news is there are things 515 00:16:25,400 --> 00:16:27,360 we can do every day that really strengthen 516 00:16:27,360 --> 00:16:28,680 that self-compassion muscle. 517 00:16:28,680 --> 00:16:29,840 OK, give me the good stuff. 518 00:16:29,840 --> 00:16:30,720 What are the tools? 519 00:16:30,720 --> 00:16:32,600 One that's really helpful is something called 520 00:16:32,600 --> 00:16:34,240 self-compassionate mindfulness. 521 00:16:34,240 --> 00:16:35,200 OK. 522 00:16:35,200 --> 00:16:37,920 It's basically learning to notice 523 00:16:37,920 --> 00:16:39,600 when those self-critical thoughts pop up, 524 00:16:39,600 --> 00:16:40,880 but without judging them. 525 00:16:40,880 --> 00:16:42,720 So instead of getting swept up in the whole, 526 00:16:42,720 --> 00:16:44,120 I'm not good enough drama. 527 00:16:44,120 --> 00:16:44,680 Exactly. 528 00:16:44,680 --> 00:16:47,440 You just see those thoughts for what they are. 529 00:16:47,440 --> 00:16:47,920 Exactly. 530 00:16:47,920 --> 00:16:50,360 You create space between you and the thought. 531 00:16:50,360 --> 00:16:52,800 You realize it's just a thought, not the truth. 532 00:16:52,800 --> 00:16:56,120 And then you can be kind to yourself in that moment. 533 00:16:56,120 --> 00:16:59,280 So it's like saying to yourself, OK, inner critic, I hear you, 534 00:16:59,280 --> 00:17:01,720 but I'm choosing to be kind to myself right now. 535 00:17:01,720 --> 00:17:02,960 Yes. 536 00:17:02,960 --> 00:17:06,920 You shift from judging yourself to supporting yourself. 537 00:17:06,920 --> 00:17:08,840 Imagine a good friend is struggling. 538 00:17:08,840 --> 00:17:11,040 You wouldn't yell at them telling they're awful, right? 539 00:17:11,040 --> 00:17:12,080 No, of course not. 540 00:17:12,080 --> 00:17:13,560 You'd be compassionate. 541 00:17:13,560 --> 00:17:15,600 You'd offer support. 542 00:17:15,600 --> 00:17:17,640 Self-compassion is doing that for ourselves 543 00:17:17,640 --> 00:17:19,400 even when we feel like we don't deserve it. 544 00:17:19,400 --> 00:17:19,880 Wow. 545 00:17:19,880 --> 00:17:21,840 That is a good way to think about it. 546 00:17:21,840 --> 00:17:24,840 OK, so besides talking back to our inner critic, 547 00:17:24,840 --> 00:17:25,800 what else helps? 548 00:17:25,800 --> 00:17:28,800 Taking care of yourself, things that make you feel good 549 00:17:28,800 --> 00:17:30,320 physically, emotionally, mentally. 550 00:17:30,320 --> 00:17:30,880 Oh. 551 00:17:30,880 --> 00:17:34,120 It could be anything, a walk in nature, time with loved ones, 552 00:17:34,120 --> 00:17:37,200 even just letting yourself relax without feeling guilty. 553 00:17:37,200 --> 00:17:38,880 Because when we feel good, it's easier 554 00:17:38,880 --> 00:17:40,600 to be nice to ourselves, right? 555 00:17:40,600 --> 00:17:41,800 Exactly. 556 00:17:41,800 --> 00:17:43,480 Self-compassion isn't just our thoughts. 557 00:17:43,480 --> 00:17:46,120 It's how we treat ourselves, prioritizing 558 00:17:46,120 --> 00:17:48,060 our needs, our well-being. 559 00:17:48,060 --> 00:17:49,920 And then we have more to give to others. 560 00:17:49,920 --> 00:17:52,280 It's like that saying about putting your own oxygen 561 00:17:52,280 --> 00:17:55,440 mass on first on an airplane before helping others. 562 00:17:55,440 --> 00:17:56,360 Perfect example. 563 00:17:56,360 --> 00:17:57,240 It's not selfish. 564 00:17:57,240 --> 00:17:58,440 It's essential. 565 00:17:58,440 --> 00:18:00,840 Self-compassion, it's the foundation. 566 00:18:00,840 --> 00:18:04,400 OK, so we've got the mindfulness, the self-care. 567 00:18:04,400 --> 00:18:06,560 Any other words of wisdom before we wrap up? 568 00:18:06,560 --> 00:18:09,160 Just remember, this whole self-compassion journey, 569 00:18:09,160 --> 00:18:11,920 it's not about reaching some finish line. 570 00:18:11,920 --> 00:18:13,320 It's a practice. 571 00:18:13,320 --> 00:18:14,620 Be patient with yourself. 572 00:18:14,620 --> 00:18:15,640 Stick with it. 573 00:18:15,640 --> 00:18:18,960 And be willing to be kind to yourself even when you mess up. 574 00:18:18,960 --> 00:18:20,800 It's not about being perfect at self-compassion. 575 00:18:20,800 --> 00:18:22,880 It's about showing up for ourselves. 576 00:18:22,880 --> 00:18:23,380 Yes. 577 00:18:23,380 --> 00:18:26,600 With kindness, understanding, even when we make mistakes, 578 00:18:26,600 --> 00:18:28,520 even when we feel like we're not good enough. 579 00:18:28,520 --> 00:18:29,720 Beautifully said. 580 00:18:29,720 --> 00:18:32,320 And the more you practice, the easier it gets. 581 00:18:32,320 --> 00:18:34,680 Just like working a muscle, the more you use it, 582 00:18:34,680 --> 00:18:35,880 the stronger it becomes. 583 00:18:35,880 --> 00:18:36,960 So true. 584 00:18:36,960 --> 00:18:39,280 And just like a strong muscle helps us 585 00:18:39,280 --> 00:18:41,200 through a tough workout, self-compassion, 586 00:18:41,200 --> 00:18:43,160 it helps us through the ups and downs of life. 587 00:18:43,160 --> 00:18:46,000 With more grace, more resilience, maybe even more joy. 588 00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:46,760 I love that. 589 00:18:46,760 --> 00:18:47,760 This has been amazing. 590 00:18:47,760 --> 00:18:49,200 We talked about how self-compassion 591 00:18:49,200 --> 00:18:51,840 changes our relationships, our work, everything. 592 00:18:51,840 --> 00:18:54,000 Most importantly, our relationship with ourselves. 593 00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:57,040 So cheers to embracing self-compassion. 594 00:18:57,040 --> 00:18:59,360 Let's create a kinder world, one kind thought, 595 00:18:59,360 --> 00:19:00,720 one action at a time. 596 00:19:00,720 --> 00:19:03,300 Thanks for joining us on this deep dive into self-compassion. 597 00:19:03,300 --> 00:19:18,880 And until next time, be kind to yourselves.