Okay, ready for a deep dive?
Today, it's all about self-compassion.
Ooh, interesting.
And no, not the treat yourself to extra dessert
kind of self-compassion though,
I'm always on board with that.
Uh-huh, right.
We're talking about how being kinder to ourselves,
you know, even when we mess up,
can actually make our romantic relationship stronger,
more fulfilling even.
It's amazing, isn't it, how much research is showing that?
We're always trying to figure out our partners right.
Yeah.
But this deep dive is all about how
understanding ourselves better,
being kind to ourselves, especially when things are tough.
Yeah.
Could be the key to a good relationship.
It's like that saying, right?
You can't pour from an empty cup.
But how does that actually work in a romantic relationship?
Well, one thing that really stands out
is conflict resolution.
You know how some couples just like
get stuck in those shouting matches?
Oh yeah.
Self-compassion can help us like
slam the brace on that whole destructive pattern.
Okay, now I'm really interested, tell me more.
So people who are good at self-compassion,
they tend to approach disagreements differently.
They're less likely to, you know,
make it personal or blame the other person.
Because they can take that same compassion
they give themselves and actually give it to their partner,
even when they're arguing.
So instead of like going straight for the jugular.
Exactly.
They're more likely to be like,
hey, we're both stressed,
but how can we actually solve this together?
Exactly.
They want a solution that works for both people.
It's not about winning.
That makes so much sense when you're beating yourself up
all the time inside.
Right.
It's so easy to just like put that negativity
onto the person you're with.
But if you can be more understanding,
more forgiving of yourself,
you can bring that same energy to your relationship.
Absolutely.
And this isn't some new age thing, by the way.
We can actually see this in like historical relationships too.
Like think about John and Abigail Adams.
Oh wow, those letters.
They had some pretty heated debates, didn't they?
They did.
Yeah.
But here's what's fascinating.
Even with those strong disagreements,
their letters show this deep respect.
Yeah.
And understanding.
Yeah.
For example, there's this one letter
where John's writing to Abigail about a political rival.
And he's clearly upset, right?
Calls the guy's actions irksome, unproductive.
So he's not mincing words.
Not at all.
But here's a self-compassion part.
Instead of going on a rant
about how terrible this other guy is,
John stops, like he's checking himself.
Yeah.
And he writes,
I must confess my dear
that I may have been too quick to judge.
Wow.
And then he actually tries to see things
from the other person's side.
He even admits that maybe he made some mistakes
in how he handled things.
That's incredible.
He's being like a model of self-compassionate communication.
Even when he's disagreeing,
it sounds like it's that willingness to look at himself,
you know, admit his flaws.
Yes.
That lets him approach the whole conflict
with more empathy.
Absolutely.
And Abigail's letters to him show it too, you know.
Oh, interesting.
They weren't afraid of disagreeing,
but there was this respect,
this self-awareness, really remarkable.
Okay, so we've got a founding father
and his brilliant wife on board
with this whole self-compassion thing.
But what about relationships today?
Oh, totally.
Like, are there any celebrity couples,
you know, who back this up?
Oh, absolutely.
Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard.
They're very open about how important self-compassion
is in their marriage.
Right.
They're both hilarious, successful, strong personalities.
Oh, yeah.
So, you know, they must have their share of disagreements.
I can only imagine.
But they always seem so playful down to earth.
What's their secret?
Well, they've talked about how crucial it is
to own your own emotions.
Yeah.
Your own reactions to things.
So instead of blaming each other when things get heated,
they try to be curious about it,
compassionate toward themselves and each other.
So it's about being able to say,
okay, I'm really angry right now.
I need a minute to figure this out
before we can like actually talk about it.
Exactly.
And it sounds like they've really worked
at building that self-awareness, that emotional resilience,
which is huge for handling conflict in a healthy way.
It's refreshing to hear, honestly.
Even celebrities have the same relationship stuff we do.
So we've got arguing better.
Right.
Or at least less destructively, thanks to self-compassion.
What other good stuff does it do for our relationships?
Well, this is where it gets really interesting.
Research is showing that self-compassion
is a major building block for trust.
Okay, hold on.
How does being nice to myself make me trust my partner more?
Explain that one.
Think of it like this.
When you have that self-compassion,
you tend to have less self-doubt, less insecurity.
You're not always fighting that inner voice
that says you're not good enough, not smart enough,
not attractive enough.
Yeah.
And when you're not stuck with those bad beliefs
about yourself, you're less likely
to put them onto your partner.
So less of that, why hasn't he texted back?
He must be losing interest.
Spiral.
Exactly.
You can give your partner the benefit of the doubt
because you're not letting your own insecurities
run the show.
So when we're kinder to ourselves,
we don't automatically assume the worst about our partners.
That's pretty cool.
But it's kind of counterintuitive, right?
Yeah.
Wouldn't being harder on myself
make me expect more from my partner?
Seems like it, yeah.
But the research, it actually suggests the opposite.
Talk to Brene Brown.
She's done some really amazing work
on vulnerability and shame.
Yeah, yeah.
She talks about how important self-compassion
is for feeling secure in relationships.
OK, so tell me more about this whole self-compassion,
secure attachment link.
Well, when you're stuck in that cycle of constantly criticizing
yourself, it's easy to feel insecure, right?
You don't deserve love.
Yeah.
And that insecurity, it can come out
of relationships in, well, not so great ways,
being clingy, getting jealous, needing constant reassurance.
Oh, yeah.
I know those patterns.
It's like you're projecting all your own stuff
onto your partner.
Yeah.
And onto the relationship itself.
Exactly.
But when you practice self-compassion,
you create this sense of safety within yourself.
You don't need your partner to constantly tell you
you're worthy.
Interesting.
So you can show up in the relationship
with more confidence.
You can be more yourself.
That makes a lot of sense.
It's like self-compassion.
It's the foundation.
And then you're not looking to your partner
to fill in all the gaps in your own self-esteem.
Exactly.
And that security, it lets you be more intimate, too.
You're not on edge all the time, worried
about if you're good enough, if they really care.
Sounds like everyone wins.
OK, so we're arguing less.
We're not sending those late night anxiety texts.
Right.
But hold on.
Earlier you said that self-compassion,
it can actually make our partners more
committed to the relationship.
Now, that's a bold claim.
I need details.
It is surprising, isn't it?
But what they're finding is self-compassionate people,
they're just more authentic, less driven by their ego
in their relationships.
So they're not putting on an act,
trying to be someone they're not,
just to please their partner.
Precisely.
They're OK with being vulnerable,
showing their true selves, flaws and all.
And that authenticity, it can be incredibly attractive.
Because who wants to be with someone who's
always trying to be perfect?
Right.
That would be exhausting.
I'd much rather be with someone who
can admit when they're wrong or when they just
need some support.
Absolutely.
It builds so much trust when both people can just
be themselves.
And that trust, that's a big part
of why people stay committed.
OK, so self-compassion isn't about being
raised to ourselves.
It's about building stronger relationships.
It all starts from the inside out.
You got it.
Now, this is interesting.
The research found something pretty cool.
OK.
Men, specifically, they say they're
more satisfied in their relationships
when their female partners are self-compassionate.
Really?
Why is that?
Are men just like wired to want a partner who's
more easygoing, someone who doesn't stress
about the little things?
Well, it could be more complex than that.
It probably ties into what society
expects from men and women.
The roles we're kind of taught to play.
Women are often expected to be the emotional caretakers,
the ones who are always nurturing, always supporting.
That's true, but I don't quite see how that connects
to self-compassion yet.
Well, imagine a woman who's always criticizing herself,
always insecure.
It's going to be way harder for her
to give emotional support to her partner when she's
feeling so drained herself.
Right.
Yeah, if that makes sense.
You can't exactly be a supportive partner
if you're barely holding it together yourself.
Exactly.
But when a woman practices self-compassion,
she can actually show up for her partner.
She's not bogged down by those negative thoughts,
not always needing validation.
So she has more energy for the relationship.
I see what you mean.
It's like self-compassion frees up space
to be more present, more attentive in the relationship.
Exactly.
And that creates a better experience for both people.
The man feels supported, cared for.
The woman, she feels more confident, secure,
and being there for him in a real way.
So it really is the gift that keeps on giving.
Now, I do have a question.
We're talking a lot about romantic relationships.
Yeah.
Does this apply to other parts of life, too?
If I'm nicer to myself, am I also a better friend?
What about with my family?
Great question.
And yes, the good news is self-compassions benefits.
They go way beyond romance.
It can impact all your relationships, friends, family,
even your work life.
OK, I'm here for it.
Tell me everything.
How does it work with those other relationships?
Let's start with friends.
Yeah.
Have you noticed it's easier to be there for a friend
when you're feeling good about yourself?
Oh, absolutely.
If I'm feeling confident, happy, then I'm
that friend who's supportive, encouraging, really
present for them.
But if I'm feeling down on myself, it's different.
Exactly.
When you're struggling with self-criticism,
those negative thoughts, it's harder
to give empathy to other people.
You're stuck in your own head.
100%.
It's like that saying, you can't pour from an empty cup.
If I'm not taking care of myself emotionally,
then I don't have much left to give to my friends
when they need it.
Exactly.
Self-compassion, it refills your cup.
When you can be kind to yourself,
understand yourself, especially when
you're having a tough time.
Yeah.
You have more to give to others.
It's like giving yourself permission to be human,
to have flaws, make mistakes.
And then you can give that same grace to your friends, too.
Exactly.
Yeah.
You're not trying to be perfect, so you're not expecting them
to be perfect either.
It just makes those connections feel more real, more
supportive.
That makes a lot of sense for friendships.
But families, that's a whole other challenge.
Families are great, but let's be real.
Oh, yeah.
They know how to push our buttons.
Tell me about it.
Holiday gatherings, am I right?
Oh, please, don't even remind me.
But seriously, how does self-compassion
help with those tricky family dynamics?
Well, think about a time a family member,
maybe they said something, did something, that just really
rubbed you the wrong way.
Criticized your choices, brought up some old argument.
It's easy to fall back into that resentment, that blame game.
Oh, it's like my own personal family drama highlight reel,
just on loop in my head.
Right.
But here's where self-compassion changes things.
It's like a shield against that knee-jerk reaction.
You're less likely to get triggered because you're not
taking it all so personally.
So instead of immediately snapping back,
or doing that whole silent treatment thing,
you can just pause and then respond
in a way that's more intentional.
Exactly.
You can say, hey, that hurt.
I don't think you meant it that way,
but it brought up some stuff for me.
OK, so you're being honest about your feelings,
but you're not attacking them.
Right.
And just by naming your emotion in a calm way,
it opens the door.
They might surprise you and be understanding.
Like you're breaking the cycle, creating space
for a better conversation.
Exactly.
And even if they don't get it, even
if they can't be compassionate in that moment,
you've still done something good for yourself.
You set a boundary, honored your feelings,
and you chose kindness, not that knee-jerk reaction.
Sounds pretty empowering.
Yeah.
And so much healthier than just stewing
in those negative feelings.
It is.
Self-compassion isn't about letting people walk all over you
or pretending everything's OK when it's not.
It's about showing up for yourself
with kindness, understanding, even when things are hard.
OK, so we've got friendships, family.
What about work?
Can you really be self-compassionate
in such a high-pressure, get-things-done environment?
That's a great question.
And actually, you might be surprised.
Self-compassion, it could be a real advantage at work.
OK, now I'm really interested.
I always thought of self-compassion
as something you do in your personal life,
not at the office.
It's true.
We're kind of taught that to succeed,
we have to be tough on ourselves,
that being self-critical is what pushes us to work harder.
But honestly, always beating yourself up,
it's not sustainable.
And you're not doing your best work that way.
Yeah, I'm realizing that more and more.
I've definitely been my own worst enemy at work,
and it's never really helped anything.
Exactly.
When you're stuck in that cycle of self-doubt,
it's hard to take risks, to really put yourself out there
or to bounce back when things go wrong.
You're too busy second-guessing, worrying about messing up,
comparing yourself to everyone else.
That is a perfect recipe for burnout.
So are you saying self-compassion can actually
help us do better at work?
Absolutely.
The research, it actually shows self-compassion
could be a total game changer professionally.
OK, tell me more.
How does that work?
When you're kind to yourself, especially
when you face challenges, setbacks, even failures,
it builds your resilience, your creativity.
It makes you more willing to learn and grow.
So instead of dwelling on a mistake,
letting it ruin my day, I can say, OK, I messed up.
What can I learn?
And then move on, feeling better.
Exactly.
Self-compassion helps you embrace those challenges.
You see them as chances to get better, not
as threats to your ego.
That is such a better way to look at it.
And it makes sense, because when you're always down on yourself,
it's hard to be creative, productive.
You can't be your best self.
Exactly.
And here's another fascinating thing.
Studies have actually shown that leaders
who are self-compassionate, they create
much more positive workplaces, more supportive.
Now, that is really interesting.
So it's not just about individual performance.
It's how self-compassion can actually
change the whole atmosphere of a workplace.
Exactly.
When leaders model that self-compassion,
it trickles down.
People feel safer taking risks, being more innovative.
They support each other more.
It creates trust, respect.
People feel valued for who they are, not just
for what they produce.
That sounds amazing, especially these days
when everything's so competitive.
So what I'm hearing is self-compassion isn't just
some fluffy idea.
No, not at all.
It can really help us build stronger relationships,
handle challenges better, and even boost our careers.
Who knew?
It all comes back to remembering that we're all human.
We all mess up.
We all face setbacks.
We all have those days where we just feel
like we're not good enough.
Yeah.
And in those moments, the best thing we can do
is give ourselves the same kindness we give to a friend.
So simple, but it feels kind of revolutionary, you know?
It really is.
Why don't we learn this when we're kids?
Imagine how different the world would be if we all
knew how to be kinder to ourselves and each other.
I know, right?
I think about that a lot.
But the good news is it's never too late to start.
OK, so we've established self-compassion
is basically the secret ingredient for a happier,
more fulfilling life.
But let's get real.
It's easy to talk about being kind to ourselves.
Right.
It's a lot harder to actually do it, you know?
Especially when life gets crazy or stressed, feeling down.
You're absolutely right.
It's not always easy.
It takes effort.
It takes practice.
But there are things we can do, practical steps
to build that self-compassion muscle into our daily lives.
And that's what we'll be talking about after the break.
OK, so we've covered so much ground.
And honestly, this whole self-compassion thing,
it's really inspiring.
It is powerful, isn't it?
But I know myself, it's easy to just understand something
and a whole other thing to actually live it.
Right.
Especially when life gets tough.
So where do we even start?
How do we actually get better at this, you know?
Especially when that inner critic is being super loud.
You're spot on.
It's about actually using what we know.
And the good news is there are things
we can do every day that really strengthen
that self-compassion muscle.
OK, give me the good stuff.
What are the tools?
One that's really helpful is something called
self-compassionate mindfulness.
OK.
It's basically learning to notice
when those self-critical thoughts pop up,
but without judging them.
So instead of getting swept up in the whole,
I'm not good enough drama.
Exactly.
You just see those thoughts for what they are.
Exactly.
You create space between you and the thought.
You realize it's just a thought, not the truth.
And then you can be kind to yourself in that moment.
So it's like saying to yourself, OK, inner critic, I hear you,
but I'm choosing to be kind to myself right now.
Yes.
You shift from judging yourself to supporting yourself.
Imagine a good friend is struggling.
You wouldn't yell at them telling they're awful, right?
No, of course not.
You'd be compassionate.
You'd offer support.
Self-compassion is doing that for ourselves
even when we feel like we don't deserve it.
Wow.
That is a good way to think about it.
OK, so besides talking back to our inner critic,
what else helps?
Taking care of yourself, things that make you feel good
physically, emotionally, mentally.
Oh.
It could be anything, a walk in nature, time with loved ones,
even just letting yourself relax without feeling guilty.
Because when we feel good, it's easier
to be nice to ourselves, right?
Exactly.
Self-compassion isn't just our thoughts.
It's how we treat ourselves, prioritizing
our needs, our well-being.
And then we have more to give to others.
It's like that saying about putting your own oxygen
mass on first on an airplane before helping others.
Perfect example.
It's not selfish.
It's essential.
Self-compassion, it's the foundation.
OK, so we've got the mindfulness, the self-care.
Any other words of wisdom before we wrap up?
Just remember, this whole self-compassion journey,
it's not about reaching some finish line.
It's a practice.
Be patient with yourself.
Stick with it.
And be willing to be kind to yourself even when you mess up.
It's not about being perfect at self-compassion.
It's about showing up for ourselves.
Yes.
With kindness, understanding, even when we make mistakes,
even when we feel like we're not good enough.
Beautifully said.
And the more you practice, the easier it gets.
Just like working a muscle, the more you use it,
the stronger it becomes.
So true.
And just like a strong muscle helps us
through a tough workout, self-compassion,
it helps us through the ups and downs of life.
With more grace, more resilience, maybe even more joy.
I love that.
This has been amazing.
We talked about how self-compassion
changes our relationships, our work, everything.
Most importantly, our relationship with ourselves.
So cheers to embracing self-compassion.
Let's create a kinder world, one kind thought,
one action at a time.
Thanks for joining us on this deep dive into self-compassion.
And until next time, be kind to yourselves.