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Okay, so arguments.

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I mean, nobody really enjoys a good shouting match.

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You know, I've been looking at some research

4
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about mindfulness and relationships,

5
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and honestly, the idea of like, arguing LSS

6
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and somehow feeling more connected,

7
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that's something I think we all wanna get on board with.

8
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Right, and it's not about pretending

9
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we don't have disagreements

10
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or trying to be like conflict-free robots or something.

11
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Yeah, that would be weird.

12
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Yeah, not exactly realistic.

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But this 2024 study from personal relationships,

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it really dies into how we approach these disagreements

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with a more mindful lens,

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and it can really, really change things for couples.

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It's so true, and one of the things

18
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that I thought was so interesting

19
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when I was looking at this was

20
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this whole concept of relationship mindfulness.

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It seems like instead of automatically

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putting up your dukes, gearing up for this battle,

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you're actually saying, okay, wait a minute,

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we're on the same team here,

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let's work together to figure this out.

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Totally, exactly.

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It's about how do we hit the pause button

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before things escalate?

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How do we take a breath?

30
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You know what I mean?

31
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Choosing how we respond,

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instead of just knee-jerk reaction, reaction, reaction.

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And the study found that this can actually help couples

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stay calmer, communicate more effectively,

35
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and then actually get somewhere,

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resolve those conflicts in a better way.

37
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Totally, okay, so, but how do you actually do that?

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I mean, because it's one thing to say be more mindful,

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but that's a little vague for me.

40
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What are some concrete steps that people can take?

41
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Well, one of the things I thought was really interesting

42
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is they talked about this reflective exercise

43
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where they had participants answer six specific questions

44
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about past arguments to try to kind of analyze them

45
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from a calmer, more objective place,

46
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after some time has passed.

47
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Imagine if you could actually understand

48
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what was at the root of that last blowup,

49
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about whose turn it was to empty the dishwasher.

50
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Okay, yeah, that I'm here for.

51
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That is useful.

52
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Instead of it just being this big emotional reactive thing,

53
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you can actually break it down.

54
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Was there a question out of those six

55
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that you thought was particularly helpful?

56
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I thought the one that I really kind of connected with was,

57
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what physical sensations were you experiencing

58
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in your body at that moment?

59
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Interesting.

60
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Like really connecting to that.

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Are you getting a tight chest?

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Right.

63
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Are your shoulders tense?

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Right, yeah, yeah.

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Because I think sometimes we can be so up in our heads

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about things that we forget

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there's a very physical component.

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It's so true.

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And I imagine that can be so helpful

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because then it's not just, well, I'm angry.

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It's like, oh, okay, I can feel that my chest feels tight.

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I'm actually clenching my fists right now.

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It makes you so much more aware

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of what's happening internally.

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Exactly. Right.

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And then you can start to recognize,

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okay, this is my pattern.

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These are my tells.

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These are my tells.

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Like this is how I know things are escalating

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before you've even said a word.

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Before it gets out of control.

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So we've got this like pause button moment.

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We're tuning into our internal state.

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What else can couples be doing, do you think,

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to bring more of this mindfulness into their disagreements?

87
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Well, so building on that foundation

88
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of kind of self-awareness.

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Right.

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The research also really emphasizes

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the importance of perspective taking.

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Okay.

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Because like so much of the time, these conflicts,

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they really come from just having different perceptions

95
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and needs in that moment.

96
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Oh, 100%.

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It's so easy to get stuck in your own head

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and be like, but I'm right,

99
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and totally miss like where your partner's coming from.

100
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Exactly.

101
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And that's where I think another one of these questions

102
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they posed in the study is so helpful.

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They asked people to consider,

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what do you think your partner was feeling

105
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or needing in that moment?

106
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Ooh, interesting.

107
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So you're actually taking a moment

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to step outside of yourself.

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Yeah.

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And genuinely try to understand their experience.

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Putting on those empathy glasses, we like to say.

112
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Exactly.

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Or try to see it through their eyes,

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even if you don't agree.

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Yes.

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And I think just that act of trying

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can really go a long way.

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Totally.

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It creates space for compassion, for understanding.

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And those are like the fundamental building blocks

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for navigating any kind of conflict constructively.

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It's so true.

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This is making so much sense.

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But I'm curious, what happens after the argument?

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Because even with the best of intentions,

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like things can still get a little heated.

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How do you, how do couples recover

128
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and actually like make things better?

129
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That's such a good point.

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Yeah.

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And it's where this concept of active repair comes in.

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Active repair?

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Yes.

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So it's not just enough to like, you know,

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say sorry and like move on.

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Right, right.

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It's about taking those steps

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to actually address the hurt feelings.

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And to rebuild the connection.

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And that might look like, you know,

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something as simple as expressing appreciation

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for your partner or making an effort

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to like spend some quality time together.

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Okay.

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It's about your actions really showing, demonstrating,

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this relationship matters to me.

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It's like you're saying, hey,

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even though we just went through this like, you know,

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bump your hatch, I'm still here.

150
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I'm still invested.

151
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Yeah, for sure.

152
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And that can really make a difference.

153
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Like that commitment to repair can be so powerful

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for building trust and, you know,

155
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making the relationship more resilient in the long run.

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You know what I think is so fascinating about all this?

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We talk about mindfulness so much in the context of like,

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you know, individual wellbeing.

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Like, oh, I'm gonna meditate to reduce my stress or whatever.

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But it makes so much sense that those same principles

161
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could have like a huge impact on our relationships too.

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Oh, absolutely.

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And what's so cool is that the research actually shows

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that, you know, having these individual mindfulness

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practices can actually make you a better partner.

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Interesting.

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Right.

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And when you're doing things like meditation

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or even just, you know, mindful breathing,

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you're basically training your brain.

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Yeah.

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To be more present, to be more aware.

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Right.

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And that's not just like something that happens

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on your yoga mat.

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Right.

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It spills over into all areas of your life,

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including like how you show up in your relationships.

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I'm less likely to like totally fly off the handle

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about something small because I've been working

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that pause button muscle.

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Exactly.

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Like you're better able to regulate your emotions.

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They're less reactive.

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And you're just more tuned in to what your partner's

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needing in that moment.

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So like mindfulness gives you these like super powers

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to deal with all the ups and downs that come

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with being in a relationship.

190
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Totally.

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I love that.

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Okay, I am sold on the benefits, but I have to be honest.

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Like putting this into practice, especially in the heat

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of the moment, it feels kind of daunting.

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It's true.

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Any tips for how to actually make this a habit?

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Like how do we actually integrate this

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so it becomes more second nature?

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Well, one of the things that can be really helpful

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is finding ways to kind of weave mindfulness

201
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into your daily routine as a couple.

202
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Okay, interesting.

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So it could be something as simple as like starting

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your day with a few minutes of like a shared meditation

205
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or just even like some mindful breathing together.

206
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Oh, I see.

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So you're already like creating that sense of teamwork

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and shared intention from the get-go.

209
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Exactly.

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And it doesn't have to be this big formal thing.

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Just like incorporating those small mindful rituals

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throughout the day can make a big difference.

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Like even something is, before you're gonna have

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a conversation that you know could be a little bit

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potentially tricky, take a moment to just connect.

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Like hold hands, look into each other's eyes,

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take a couple of deep breaths together.

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It's like you're hitting that reset button

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before things even have a chance to go sideways.

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I love that.

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Those little moments of connection can be so grounding.

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Okay, so we're building that mindfulness muscle as we go.

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It's becoming more accessible.

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So we've talked about the benefits of this,

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like relationship mindfulness,

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we've talked about the importance of active repair,

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and then even incorporating these practices

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into daily life as a couple.

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But what about those moments when despite our best intentions,

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an argument just like it erupts.

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Are there like in the moment techniques that you can use

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to kind of like deescalate things

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before they get out of hand, asking for a friend?

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Oh, for sure.

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Yeah, totally.

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I think one of the most effective things

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is something called active listening.

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Active listening.

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Which it goes beyond just sort of like

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hearing your partner's words.

241
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Okay.

242
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It's about really, really trying to understand

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their perspective and making them feel truly heard.

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So it's more than just like nodding along

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while you're mentally preparing your rebuttal.

246
00:08:40,860 --> 00:08:41,700
Exactly.

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It's about like really truly paying attention.

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Yeah.

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00:08:45,860 --> 00:08:47,380
With all of you, you know.

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Interesting.

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00:08:48,220 --> 00:08:50,220
Verbally and non-verbally.

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It means like putting your own agenda aside for a second.

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00:08:53,100 --> 00:08:53,980
Oh.

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00:08:53,980 --> 00:08:56,020
And just focusing on what they're saying,

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how they're feeling, and like what are they actually needing

256
00:08:59,620 --> 00:09:00,500
in that moment?

257
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So like putting those empathy glasses back on.

258
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Yes.

259
00:09:03,620 --> 00:09:04,580
Yeah. Exactly.

260
00:09:04,580 --> 00:09:08,620
And it's not just about like passively listening, you know.

261
00:09:08,620 --> 00:09:11,220
It's also about reflecting back what you hear.

262
00:09:11,220 --> 00:09:12,060
Oh.

263
00:09:12,060 --> 00:09:12,980
To make sure you're really getting it.

264
00:09:12,980 --> 00:09:13,820
Yeah.

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00:09:13,820 --> 00:09:15,540
And to validate how they're feeling,

266
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even if you don't necessarily agree with

267
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like where it's coming from.

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Right.

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It seems like that would be such a powerful way

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to like deescalate a situation.

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Totally.

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Because it shows your partner that you're at least trying

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to, you know, meet them where they are.

274
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Exactly.

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And it creates a sense of safety and respect, I think.

276
00:09:31,140 --> 00:09:33,180
Even when you're in the midst of a disagreement.

277
00:09:33,180 --> 00:09:34,020
Right.

278
00:09:34,020 --> 00:09:36,340
And when people feel heard and understood,

279
00:09:36,340 --> 00:09:38,980
they're much more likely to be open to like

280
00:09:38,980 --> 00:09:40,260
hear what you have to say too.

281
00:09:40,260 --> 00:09:41,100
Right.

282
00:09:41,100 --> 00:09:41,940
That makes sense.

283
00:09:41,940 --> 00:09:42,860
It's like you're building a bridge

284
00:09:42,860 --> 00:09:44,780
instead of like digging in your heels and being like,

285
00:09:44,780 --> 00:09:46,420
nope, this is my side.

286
00:09:46,420 --> 00:09:47,700
You're on your side.

287
00:09:47,700 --> 00:09:48,660
Right.

288
00:09:48,660 --> 00:09:50,740
But I imagine it can be really challenging

289
00:09:50,740 --> 00:09:53,980
to like actually stay in that like calm,

290
00:09:53,980 --> 00:09:57,380
neutral listener role when you're the one

291
00:09:57,380 --> 00:09:59,260
who's feeling attacked or misunderstood.

292
00:09:59,260 --> 00:10:00,180
Oh, for sure.

293
00:10:00,180 --> 00:10:01,620
Like it takes practice.

294
00:10:01,620 --> 00:10:02,460
Right.

295
00:10:02,460 --> 00:10:03,540
It takes a lot of conscious effort.

296
00:10:03,540 --> 00:10:04,380
Right.

297
00:10:04,380 --> 00:10:05,940
One thing I think could be really helpful is

298
00:10:05,940 --> 00:10:08,380
like really paying attention to your body language.

299
00:10:08,380 --> 00:10:09,220
Yeah.

300
00:10:09,220 --> 00:10:11,980
You know, like making eye contact, uncrossing your arms,

301
00:10:11,980 --> 00:10:13,500
even just nodding your head, you know,

302
00:10:13,500 --> 00:10:15,980
to show that you're engaged and listening.

303
00:10:15,980 --> 00:10:16,820
Right.

304
00:10:16,820 --> 00:10:18,020
Like you're saying, okay, I see you, I hear you.

305
00:10:18,020 --> 00:10:20,100
I'm really trying to get where this is coming from.

306
00:10:20,100 --> 00:10:20,940
Yeah, exactly.

307
00:10:20,940 --> 00:10:24,860
Which can just like totally change the whole vibe.

308
00:10:24,860 --> 00:10:25,700
For sure.

309
00:10:25,700 --> 00:10:26,540
Yeah.

310
00:10:26,540 --> 00:10:29,100
And you know, it shifts that dynamic from like

311
00:10:29,100 --> 00:10:32,060
me versus you to like, okay, we're in this together.

312
00:10:32,060 --> 00:10:33,140
How do we figure this out?

313
00:10:33,140 --> 00:10:34,420
Right, because at the end of the day,

314
00:10:34,420 --> 00:10:35,420
you're on the same team.

315
00:10:35,420 --> 00:10:36,260
Yeah.

316
00:10:36,260 --> 00:10:37,580
So what about, I mean, are there other like

317
00:10:37,580 --> 00:10:39,300
in the moment tools?

318
00:10:39,300 --> 00:10:40,140
Yeah.

319
00:10:40,140 --> 00:10:42,900
That you can use when things start to get

320
00:10:42,900 --> 00:10:44,140
a little bit too heated?

321
00:10:44,140 --> 00:10:44,980
Totally.

322
00:10:45,980 --> 00:10:50,500
I think one that can be so helpful is like taking a time out.

323
00:10:50,500 --> 00:10:52,860
Okay, a time out and not like the kind

324
00:10:52,860 --> 00:10:53,740
you get in trouble for.

325
00:10:53,740 --> 00:10:56,340
Right, not the like go to your room kind of time out.

326
00:10:56,340 --> 00:10:57,180
Right.

327
00:10:57,180 --> 00:10:59,820
More like recognizing when you just need a minute

328
00:10:59,820 --> 00:11:03,780
to like cool down, you know, and regroup before things

329
00:11:03,780 --> 00:11:05,060
escalate even further.

330
00:11:05,060 --> 00:11:05,900
Oh, okay.

331
00:11:05,900 --> 00:11:07,380
It's not about avoiding the issue.

332
00:11:07,380 --> 00:11:08,220
Right.

333
00:11:08,220 --> 00:11:10,860
But it's saying like, okay, I need to hit the pause button

334
00:11:10,860 --> 00:11:13,060
here so that we can come back to this and actually

335
00:11:13,060 --> 00:11:14,940
have a productive conversation.

336
00:11:14,940 --> 00:11:17,180
That makes sense because sometimes when you're in it,

337
00:11:17,180 --> 00:11:18,660
you're not thinking clearly.

338
00:11:18,660 --> 00:11:19,740
No.

339
00:11:19,740 --> 00:11:22,500
And like literally our brains,

340
00:11:22,500 --> 00:11:24,500
they go into that fight or flight mode.

341
00:11:24,500 --> 00:11:25,340
Yeah.

342
00:11:25,340 --> 00:11:28,380
So it's like you're saying, okay, like my emotional circuits

343
00:11:28,380 --> 00:11:30,860
are fried right now, I need to reboot.

344
00:11:30,860 --> 00:11:31,700
Right.

345
00:11:31,700 --> 00:11:34,180
And the key is to communicate that, you know,

346
00:11:34,180 --> 00:11:36,660
clearly and respectfully like, hey, you know,

347
00:11:36,660 --> 00:11:38,220
I'm feeling really overwhelmed right now.

348
00:11:38,220 --> 00:11:40,980
Can we maybe take like 20 minutes and then come back

349
00:11:40,980 --> 00:11:43,260
to this when we're both a little bit calmer?

350
00:11:43,260 --> 00:11:46,380
Yeah, it's like that classic advice to like never go

351
00:11:46,380 --> 00:11:49,700
to bed angry, but maybe like a little more,

352
00:11:49,700 --> 00:11:50,740
a little more proactive.

353
00:11:50,740 --> 00:11:52,020
Yes, exactly.

354
00:11:52,020 --> 00:11:54,460
And then when you do come back together, you know,

355
00:11:54,460 --> 00:11:56,740
remember those active repair attempts that we were talking

356
00:11:56,740 --> 00:11:57,580
about? Yes.

357
00:11:57,580 --> 00:12:01,980
Like start by expressing appreciation for your partner's

358
00:12:01,980 --> 00:12:04,380
willingness to work through it with you.

359
00:12:04,380 --> 00:12:07,540
Remind each other like, hey, we're on the same team here.

360
00:12:07,540 --> 00:12:10,140
We both want to figure out a solution that works.

361
00:12:10,140 --> 00:12:12,580
So it's like you're rebuilding that sense of connection.

362
00:12:12,580 --> 00:12:13,420
Totally.

363
00:12:13,420 --> 00:12:15,220
Reminding each other that even though we disagree

364
00:12:15,220 --> 00:12:18,020
on this one thing, like ultimately we're in this together.

365
00:12:18,020 --> 00:12:20,340
Oh my gosh, this has been, this has been so interesting.

366
00:12:20,340 --> 00:12:22,500
It's like we've uncovered a whole new way to think

367
00:12:22,500 --> 00:12:23,620
about disagreements.

368
00:12:23,620 --> 00:12:24,460
I think so.

369
00:12:24,460 --> 00:12:27,100
It's less about like winning or losing and so much more

370
00:12:27,100 --> 00:12:31,660
about understanding and connection and even like using it

371
00:12:31,660 --> 00:12:33,580
as an opportunity to grow.

372
00:12:33,580 --> 00:12:34,420
Exactly.

373
00:12:34,420 --> 00:12:37,140
And I think like anything, it takes practice, right?

374
00:12:37,140 --> 00:12:39,140
Be patient with yourself, be patient with your partner.

375
00:12:39,140 --> 00:12:41,580
Don't get discouraged if it feels a little bumpy at first.

376
00:12:41,580 --> 00:12:42,620
It's not going to happen overnight.

377
00:12:42,620 --> 00:12:44,100
Exactly. It's a process.

378
00:12:44,100 --> 00:12:46,100
But the important thing is that you just keep showing up

379
00:12:46,100 --> 00:12:48,700
with that intention to do it differently.

380
00:12:48,700 --> 00:12:51,900
So for our listener out there who's like, okay, I'm ready.

381
00:12:51,900 --> 00:12:52,980
I want to argue less.

382
00:12:52,980 --> 00:12:54,780
I want to connect more.

383
00:12:54,780 --> 00:12:58,100
What's one thing they can do like today to kind

384
00:12:58,100 --> 00:13:00,060
of start putting this into practice?

385
00:13:00,060 --> 00:13:01,700
Ooh, that's a good one.

386
00:13:04,660 --> 00:13:06,180
How about this?

387
00:13:06,180 --> 00:13:09,500
Next time you feel an argument, like starting to bubble up.

388
00:13:09,500 --> 00:13:10,340
Yeah.

389
00:13:10,340 --> 00:13:13,220
Before you say anything, just take a deep breath.

390
00:13:13,220 --> 00:13:14,060
Oh, I love that.

391
00:13:14,060 --> 00:13:15,380
Just one conscious breath.

392
00:13:15,380 --> 00:13:16,220
Yeah.

393
00:13:16,220 --> 00:13:18,780
And notice like what's happening in your body.

394
00:13:18,780 --> 00:13:20,660
What do you think your partner might be feeling?

395
00:13:20,660 --> 00:13:23,980
And then choose your words from that place.

396
00:13:23,980 --> 00:13:25,700
You might be really surprised.

397
00:13:25,700 --> 00:13:26,540
I love that.

398
00:13:26,540 --> 00:13:28,260
A deep breath, a moment of awareness,

399
00:13:28,260 --> 00:13:30,460
and a chance to choose connection over conflict.

400
00:13:30,460 --> 00:13:33,060
That's something I think we can all get behind.

401
00:13:33,060 --> 00:13:35,460
Well, thank you so much for joining us for this deep dive.

402
00:13:35,460 --> 00:13:38,620
Until next time, keep those conversations mindful,

403
00:13:38,620 --> 00:13:54,980
meaningful, and maybe even a little bit magical.