Okay, so arguments.
I mean, nobody really enjoys a good shouting match.
You know, I've been looking at some research
about mindfulness and relationships,
and honestly, the idea of like, arguing LSS
and somehow feeling more connected,
that's something I think we all wanna get on board with.
Right, and it's not about pretending
we don't have disagreements
or trying to be like conflict-free robots or something.
Yeah, that would be weird.
Yeah, not exactly realistic.
But this 2024 study from personal relationships,
it really dies into how we approach these disagreements
with a more mindful lens,
and it can really, really change things for couples.
It's so true, and one of the things
that I thought was so interesting
when I was looking at this was
this whole concept of relationship mindfulness.
It seems like instead of automatically
putting up your dukes, gearing up for this battle,
you're actually saying, okay, wait a minute,
we're on the same team here,
let's work together to figure this out.
Totally, exactly.
It's about how do we hit the pause button
before things escalate?
How do we take a breath?
You know what I mean?
Choosing how we respond,
instead of just knee-jerk reaction, reaction, reaction.
And the study found that this can actually help couples
stay calmer, communicate more effectively,
and then actually get somewhere,
resolve those conflicts in a better way.
Totally, okay, so, but how do you actually do that?
I mean, because it's one thing to say be more mindful,
but that's a little vague for me.
What are some concrete steps that people can take?
Well, one of the things I thought was really interesting
is they talked about this reflective exercise
where they had participants answer six specific questions
about past arguments to try to kind of analyze them
from a calmer, more objective place,
after some time has passed.
Imagine if you could actually understand
what was at the root of that last blowup,
about whose turn it was to empty the dishwasher.
Okay, yeah, that I'm here for.
That is useful.
Instead of it just being this big emotional reactive thing,
you can actually break it down.
Was there a question out of those six
that you thought was particularly helpful?
I thought the one that I really kind of connected with was,
what physical sensations were you experiencing
in your body at that moment?
Interesting.
Like really connecting to that.
Are you getting a tight chest?
Right.
Are your shoulders tense?
Right, yeah, yeah.
Because I think sometimes we can be so up in our heads
about things that we forget
there's a very physical component.
It's so true.
And I imagine that can be so helpful
because then it's not just, well, I'm angry.
It's like, oh, okay, I can feel that my chest feels tight.
I'm actually clenching my fists right now.
It makes you so much more aware
of what's happening internally.
Exactly. Right.
And then you can start to recognize,
okay, this is my pattern.
These are my tells.
Like this is how I know things are escalating
before you've even said a word.
Before it gets out of control.
So we've got this like pause button moment.
We're tuning into our internal state.
What else can couples be doing, do you think,
to bring more of this mindfulness into their disagreements?
Well, so building on that foundation
of kind of self-awareness.
Right.
The research also really emphasizes
the importance of perspective taking.
Okay.
Because like so much of the time, these conflicts,
they really come from just having different perceptions
and needs in that moment.
Oh, 100%.
It's so easy to get stuck in your own head
and be like, but I'm right,
and totally miss like where your partner's coming from.
Exactly.
And that's where I think another one of these questions
they posed in the study is so helpful.
They asked people to consider,
what do you think your partner was feeling
or needing in that moment?
Ooh, interesting.
So you're actually taking a moment
to step outside of yourself.
Yeah.
And genuinely try to understand their experience.
Putting on those empathy glasses, we like to say.
Exactly.
Or try to see it through their eyes,
even if you don't agree.
Yes.
And I think just that act of trying
can really go a long way.
Totally.
It creates space for compassion, for understanding.
And those are like the fundamental building blocks
for navigating any kind of conflict constructively.
It's so true.
This is making so much sense.
But I'm curious, what happens after the argument?
Because even with the best of intentions,
like things can still get a little heated.
How do you, how do couples recover
and actually like make things better?
That's such a good point.
Yeah.
And it's where this concept of active repair comes in.
Active repair?
Yes.
So it's not just enough to like, you know,
say sorry and like move on.
Right, right.
It's about taking those steps
to actually address the hurt feelings.
And to rebuild the connection.
And that might look like, you know,
something as simple as expressing appreciation
for your partner or making an effort
to like spend some quality time together.
Okay.
It's about your actions really showing, demonstrating,
this relationship matters to me.
It's like you're saying, hey,
even though we just went through this like, you know,
bump your hatch, I'm still here.
I'm still invested.
Yeah, for sure.
And that can really make a difference.
Like that commitment to repair can be so powerful
for building trust and, you know,
making the relationship more resilient in the long run.
You know what I think is so fascinating about all this?
We talk about mindfulness so much in the context of like,
you know, individual wellbeing.
Like, oh, I'm gonna meditate to reduce my stress or whatever.
But it makes so much sense that those same principles
could have like a huge impact on our relationships too.
Oh, absolutely.
And what's so cool is that the research actually shows
that, you know, having these individual mindfulness
practices can actually make you a better partner.
Interesting.
Right.
And when you're doing things like meditation
or even just, you know, mindful breathing,
you're basically training your brain.
Yeah.
To be more present, to be more aware.
Right.
And that's not just like something that happens
on your yoga mat.
Right.
It spills over into all areas of your life,
including like how you show up in your relationships.
I'm less likely to like totally fly off the handle
about something small because I've been working
that pause button muscle.
Exactly.
Like you're better able to regulate your emotions.
They're less reactive.
And you're just more tuned in to what your partner's
needing in that moment.
So like mindfulness gives you these like super powers
to deal with all the ups and downs that come
with being in a relationship.
Totally.
I love that.
Okay, I am sold on the benefits, but I have to be honest.
Like putting this into practice, especially in the heat
of the moment, it feels kind of daunting.
It's true.
Any tips for how to actually make this a habit?
Like how do we actually integrate this
so it becomes more second nature?
Well, one of the things that can be really helpful
is finding ways to kind of weave mindfulness
into your daily routine as a couple.
Okay, interesting.
So it could be something as simple as like starting
your day with a few minutes of like a shared meditation
or just even like some mindful breathing together.
Oh, I see.
So you're already like creating that sense of teamwork
and shared intention from the get-go.
Exactly.
And it doesn't have to be this big formal thing.
Just like incorporating those small mindful rituals
throughout the day can make a big difference.
Like even something is, before you're gonna have
a conversation that you know could be a little bit
potentially tricky, take a moment to just connect.
Like hold hands, look into each other's eyes,
take a couple of deep breaths together.
It's like you're hitting that reset button
before things even have a chance to go sideways.
I love that.
Those little moments of connection can be so grounding.
Okay, so we're building that mindfulness muscle as we go.
It's becoming more accessible.
So we've talked about the benefits of this,
like relationship mindfulness,
we've talked about the importance of active repair,
and then even incorporating these practices
into daily life as a couple.
But what about those moments when despite our best intentions,
an argument just like it erupts.
Are there like in the moment techniques that you can use
to kind of like deescalate things
before they get out of hand, asking for a friend?
Oh, for sure.
Yeah, totally.
I think one of the most effective things
is something called active listening.
Active listening.
Which it goes beyond just sort of like
hearing your partner's words.
Okay.
It's about really, really trying to understand
their perspective and making them feel truly heard.
So it's more than just like nodding along
while you're mentally preparing your rebuttal.
Exactly.
It's about like really truly paying attention.
Yeah.
With all of you, you know.
Interesting.
Verbally and non-verbally.
It means like putting your own agenda aside for a second.
Oh.
And just focusing on what they're saying,
how they're feeling, and like what are they actually needing
in that moment?
So like putting those empathy glasses back on.
Yes.
Yeah. Exactly.
And it's not just about like passively listening, you know.
It's also about reflecting back what you hear.
Oh.
To make sure you're really getting it.
Yeah.
And to validate how they're feeling,
even if you don't necessarily agree with
like where it's coming from.
Right.
It seems like that would be such a powerful way
to like deescalate a situation.
Totally.
Because it shows your partner that you're at least trying
to, you know, meet them where they are.
Exactly.
And it creates a sense of safety and respect, I think.
Even when you're in the midst of a disagreement.
Right.
And when people feel heard and understood,
they're much more likely to be open to like
hear what you have to say too.
Right.
That makes sense.
It's like you're building a bridge
instead of like digging in your heels and being like,
nope, this is my side.
You're on your side.
Right.
But I imagine it can be really challenging
to like actually stay in that like calm,
neutral listener role when you're the one
who's feeling attacked or misunderstood.
Oh, for sure.
Like it takes practice.
Right.
It takes a lot of conscious effort.
Right.
One thing I think could be really helpful is
like really paying attention to your body language.
Yeah.
You know, like making eye contact, uncrossing your arms,
even just nodding your head, you know,
to show that you're engaged and listening.
Right.
Like you're saying, okay, I see you, I hear you.
I'm really trying to get where this is coming from.
Yeah, exactly.
Which can just like totally change the whole vibe.
For sure.
Yeah.
And you know, it shifts that dynamic from like
me versus you to like, okay, we're in this together.
How do we figure this out?
Right, because at the end of the day,
you're on the same team.
Yeah.
So what about, I mean, are there other like
in the moment tools?
Yeah.
That you can use when things start to get
a little bit too heated?
Totally.
I think one that can be so helpful is like taking a time out.
Okay, a time out and not like the kind
you get in trouble for.
Right, not the like go to your room kind of time out.
Right.
More like recognizing when you just need a minute
to like cool down, you know, and regroup before things
escalate even further.
Oh, okay.
It's not about avoiding the issue.
Right.
But it's saying like, okay, I need to hit the pause button
here so that we can come back to this and actually
have a productive conversation.
That makes sense because sometimes when you're in it,
you're not thinking clearly.
No.
And like literally our brains,
they go into that fight or flight mode.
Yeah.
So it's like you're saying, okay, like my emotional circuits
are fried right now, I need to reboot.
Right.
And the key is to communicate that, you know,
clearly and respectfully like, hey, you know,
I'm feeling really overwhelmed right now.
Can we maybe take like 20 minutes and then come back
to this when we're both a little bit calmer?
Yeah, it's like that classic advice to like never go
to bed angry, but maybe like a little more,
a little more proactive.
Yes, exactly.
And then when you do come back together, you know,
remember those active repair attempts that we were talking
about? Yes.
Like start by expressing appreciation for your partner's
willingness to work through it with you.
Remind each other like, hey, we're on the same team here.
We both want to figure out a solution that works.
So it's like you're rebuilding that sense of connection.
Totally.
Reminding each other that even though we disagree
on this one thing, like ultimately we're in this together.
Oh my gosh, this has been, this has been so interesting.
It's like we've uncovered a whole new way to think
about disagreements.
I think so.
It's less about like winning or losing and so much more
about understanding and connection and even like using it
as an opportunity to grow.
Exactly.
And I think like anything, it takes practice, right?
Be patient with yourself, be patient with your partner.
Don't get discouraged if it feels a little bumpy at first.
It's not going to happen overnight.
Exactly. It's a process.
But the important thing is that you just keep showing up
with that intention to do it differently.
So for our listener out there who's like, okay, I'm ready.
I want to argue less.
I want to connect more.
What's one thing they can do like today to kind
of start putting this into practice?
Ooh, that's a good one.
How about this?
Next time you feel an argument, like starting to bubble up.
Yeah.
Before you say anything, just take a deep breath.
Oh, I love that.
Just one conscious breath.
Yeah.
And notice like what's happening in your body.
What do you think your partner might be feeling?
And then choose your words from that place.
You might be really surprised.
I love that.
A deep breath, a moment of awareness,
and a chance to choose connection over conflict.
That's something I think we can all get behind.
Well, thank you so much for joining us for this deep dive.
Until next time, keep those conversations mindful,
meaningful, and maybe even a little bit magical.