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Alright everyone, buckle up, because today we are diving into some fascinating stuff.

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It's called emergent love.

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Have you ever heard that saying, finding your missing piece?

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It's like you're incomplete until you find that special someone to make you whole.

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Yeah, I've heard that one.

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A lot of people buy into it.

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Right.

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But, get this, turns out that whole idea might be doing more harm than good.

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At least that's what we are seeing in this research.

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Yeah, harmful is a good way to put it.

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And that's what has me so fascinated by Dr. Ness Rosada's work.

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In these excerpts we're looking at today, she's suggesting it's less about finding

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that perfect puzzle piece and more about, get this, tending a fire.

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Exactly, and that's such a good analogy, right?

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Dr. Ness Rosada's point is that we've been sold this idea of effortless, easy love, you

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know, but real relationships, the ones that last, they need that constant work.

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Sure, you need that initial attraction, that spark, but after that, it's all about consistently

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adding the right stuff to keep it burning bright.

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Okay, I'm intrigued.

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So, what is that right stuff?

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What are we throwing on this relationship fire to keep those flames going?

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Well, it's not some magical love person, unfortunately.

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It really boils down to six essential ingredients, and you need all of them.

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Mutual attraction, definitely.

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But also, trust, respect, genuine compassion, shared goals, and this is a big one, consistently

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showing love through your actions, not just your words.

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So it's less about finding someone perfectly compatible with you from the get-go, and more

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about two people, two individuals, who choose to build something amazing together.

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Exactly, it's a choice, and it takes effort from both sides.

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And you know, what's so interesting is how Dr. Ness Rosada breaks down the ways most

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couples actually function.

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She's found these three distinct relationship styles.

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They're really common, but here's the thing, they often miss the mark when it comes to

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building that lasting, fulfilling love.

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Okay, you know I love a good breakdown, laid on me.

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What are these couple types?

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Which one am I, which one should I be on the lookout for in my own life?

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Yeah.

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You know, no pressure.

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Well, let's see, the first type is what Dr. Ness Rosada calls contemporary couples.

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Their whole thing is fairness, they're all about equality, keeping things perfectly balanced,

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splitting everything 50-50, at least that's the idea.

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On paper, sounds pretty good, right?

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Sign me up for fairness.

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But I have a feeling there's a catch here.

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It can't be that simple, right?

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Well, you're right.

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It's not always that simple, because this hyper focus on keeping things perfectly equal,

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it can actually end up backfiring.

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It's like they're trying so hard to be fair that all the passion, all the spontaneity

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gets squeezed right out.

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Interesting.

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So it's like they've optimized for practicality, but forgotten about playfulness, surprise,

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that spark.

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That's a good way to put it.

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Then you have what Dr. Ness Rosada calls leftover couples, and I think the name kind of speaks

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for itself.

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Uh-uh.

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So, you know, couples put their own individual needs above the needs of their relationship.

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It gets to the point where they're basically living more like roommates than romantic partners.

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I mean, careers are important, hobbies are important, and we want to encourage people

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to have their own lives, right?

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But I can definitely see how constantly putting the relationship on the back burner, how that

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could lead to resentment over time, you know?

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You create all this distance and-

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Exactly.

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And resentment is a relationship killer.

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And finally we have, and this is where it's really fascinating, what Dr. Ness Rosada calls

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submerged couples.

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Okay, submerged couples.

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I'm already picturing some kind of like over-the-top Hollywood romance, like they're joined at

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the hip.

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You're actually not far off.

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They're totally enmeshed, almost like they've completely lost their own individual identities.

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We're talking constant togetherness, always doing things together, the whole nine yards.

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And while, yeah, from the outside that might seem like, you know, half-tag relationship

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goals, the reality is that level of codependency.

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It's not exactly a recipe for long-term happiness for either person.

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Interesting.

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Okay, so we've got these three couple types, but where do emergent couples fit into all

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of this?

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They sound like the ideal, so what makes them different?

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They're definitely the ideal, and that's what Dr. Ness Rosada says too.

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They've somehow found that sweet spot.

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Emergent couples are strong individuals, but they're also incredibly connected to their

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partners.

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They're being able to maintain your own passions, your own sense of self, while simultaneously

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nurturing a really strong, fulfilling partnership.

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I love that.

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It's like that saying intersecting, not overlapping.

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Okay, so how do we cultivate this emergent love?

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How do we get there?

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Because it doesn't sound like a matter of just luck, right?

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It sounds like it requires actual conscious effort.

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Yeah, and you're right.

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It's not about stumbling upon the one.

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It's about choosing to build something amazing, something lasting, with someone who shares

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your values and is just as committed to making it work as you are.

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A big part of that is understanding this crucial difference between you, ready for it, chemistry

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and harmony in a relationship.

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Okay, I feel like this is where it gets really good.

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We've all felt that initial spark.

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The butterflies, the late night talks that go on for hours, that's chemistry, right?

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I think we can all agree on that.

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What exactly is harmony, and how do you actually get it?

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Okay, so chemistry, yeah.

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It's that initial attraction, that pull you feel towards someone.

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It's not really sustainable, is it?

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It's like fireworks, beautiful and exciting, but temporary.

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Harmony though, that's something different entirely.

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Harmony is about cultivating a deeper connection that lasts.

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It's about really understanding each other, your needs, your motivations, even those little

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quirks that can drive you crazy sometimes, right?

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Okay, I like where this is going.

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So it's less about those fleeting fireworks and more about building a fire that can withstand

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anything, right?

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Now you've got it.

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One of the most important tools that Dr. Nessarzada talks about is something she calls the OyinJoy

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Check-in.

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Okay, yes.

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We touched on this earlier, but I definitely want to dive a little deeper here.

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For our listeners who are just tuning in, what exactly are these OyinJoy Check-ins,

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and why are they so important for couples?

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Well, you're not going to believe how simple it is.

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The idea is to set aside some dedicated time, ideally at the end of each day, where you

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and your partner each share one oi and one joy.

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The oi is something that's been bugging you and the joy is something you appreciate about

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each other or about the relationship in general.

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That's it.

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So it's about creating a regular space for open and honest communication, but in a structured,

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manageable way.

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I like that.

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Exactly.

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Because let's be real for a second.

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We're not always great about bringing up the tough stuff, right?

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Sometimes it's easier to just stuff those feelings down and avoid conflict, you know?

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But then what happens, all those little annoyances, all those things we don't talk about, they

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just build up until bam, suddenly you've got a major relationship problem on your hands.

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Tell me about it.

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Okay, so these check-ins are like a pressure valve, a dedicated time to address the small

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stuff before it becomes a big deal.

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But how do we approach that oi part without it turning into a blame fest?

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Because honestly, sometimes I can see that getting a little heated.

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Right.

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Well, this is where Dr. Nasrzada talks about this idea of complaining without criticizing,

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and it's such a helpful distinction.

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Instead of blaming your partner or zeroing in on their flaws, the key is to frame your

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oi in terms of their behavior and how it impacts you, not who they are as a person.

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So instead of saying, oof, you never listen to me, it's more like, hey, I was feeling

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a little unheard when we were talking about this earlier.

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Can we maybe circle back to that?

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Exactly.

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It's a small change in your language, but it can make a huge difference.

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That's such a good point.

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It's about focusing on the situation, not making it personal, right?

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What about the joy part?

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I'll be honest, some days it feels like I have to dig deep to find those little nuggets

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of appreciation.

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I hear you.

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It's not always easy, but that's exactly why it's so important to make it a practice.

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When you actively look for things to appreciate, even small things, you start noticing them

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more.

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Trust me on that.

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It's like you're training your brain to focus on the positive rather than letting

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it get bogged down by the negative.

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Right.

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And you know what?

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It doesn't have to be anything major.

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It could be something as simple as, hey, I really appreciated that you made coffee this

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morning or I loved how much we laughed during that movie last night.

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It really can be that simple.

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The important thing is that it's genuine, that it comes from a place of real appreciation.

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I'm starting to see how powerful this whole oi and joy thing can be.

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It's about making a conscious effort to shift your attention towards the good, even when

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life feels hard, which let's be real, is most of the time right.

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And you know what's so cool about all of this?

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It's backed by science.

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Dr. Nasserzadi talks about how over time, consistently practicing gratitude through

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these joy shares, it actually starts to rewire your brain.

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It's like you're training your brain to be more positive, which guess what?

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Leads to greater happiness and relationship satisfaction over time.

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It's a win-win.

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Wow.

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So it's not just about making your partner feel good in the moment.

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It's about building a more positive mindset for yourself as well.

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I love that.

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But what about those couples where one person is like totally gung-ho about all this open

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communication and the other, maybe not so much.

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What do you do then?

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Yeah, that's a really common challenge.

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It's important to remember that we all have different levels of comfort when it comes

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to vulnerability, right?

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Talking about your feelings, being open about your struggles, that can be really scary for

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some people.

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Absolutely.

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So how do you encourage that kind of open dialogue, that sense of safety, without making

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your partner feel pressured or overwhelmed?

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Yeah.

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Because that's the last thing we want.

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It's about starting small and building trust over time, just like with anything important

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in a relationship.

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Maybe instead of launching into a full-blown oi and joy session, you just start by sharing

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one joy with each other each day.

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See how that feels?

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As you become more comfortable, you can slowly introduce the oi element.

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That makes sense.

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It's about taking baby steps.

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Exactly.

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And remember, communication has to be a two-way street, right?

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It's just as important to be a compassionate and attentive listener as it is to share your

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own feelings.

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Both people have to feel heard.

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So it's about creating that safe space where both partners feel seen, heard, and validated

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without feeling judged or criticized.

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You got it.

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That's the sweet spot.

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And while it might feel awkward or even uncomfortable at first, especially if you're not used to

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talking about this stuff, the most important thing is to just stick with it.

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Because ultimately, the rewards of building that strong foundation of communication are

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worth it.

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A thousand percent.

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Emergent love, it's a journey, not a destination.

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There will always be challenges along the way.

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Life happens.

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But by making that commitment to communicate openly and honestly, to really show up for

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each other, you're setting yourselves up for a love that can get through anything.

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Okay.

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I am sold on these oi and joy check-ins.

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But let's move on to another tool that Dr. Nassarzada recommends.

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This one's a little less frequent.

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She also talks about the importance of these weekly rituals for maintaining a healthy relationship.

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Tell me more about that.

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Right.

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So daily check-ins are great for maintaining that day-to-day connection.

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But every now and then, you need to step back and look at the bigger picture, right?

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That's where the state of the union conversation comes in.

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State of the union, huh?

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That sounds a little intense.

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Like, do we need to wear suits for this conversation?

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No.

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No suits required, I promise.

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Think of it less like, you know, a presidential address and more like a relaxed check-in.

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It's just about being intentional.

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Because life gets so busy so easily.

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And sometimes those bigger picture conversations about the relationship, they just kind of

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fall by the wayside, you know?

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Okay.

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Yeah, I can definitely see that happening.

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So how do we make sure these state of the union conversations are actually productive?

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Because I can totally picture it now.

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Sunday night rolls around and it's just like, did you remember to call the plumber?

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And what should we watch on Netflix?

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That's so true.

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But these weekly conversations, they're about creating that dedicated space to reconnect

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on a deeper level.

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So first things first, pick a time and a place that work for both of you.

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Maybe it's Sunday morning over coffee.

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Maybe it's a walk in the park.

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Whatever feels good.

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So find what works for you.

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Make it your own.

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Love that.

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Okay, so we've got our time and place set.

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What kind of things should we actually be talking about during this check-in?

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It's a chance to take a step back and reflect on the past week together.

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Like were there moments where you felt really connected?

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Or moments where you felt disconnected?

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Any arguments that keep coming up over and over again?

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Get it all out in the open.

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Okay, so air out any issues that might be lingering no matter how big or small.

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Address the elephant or maybe just the slightly annoying houseplant in the room.

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Yes, exactly.

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And once you've looked back on the past week, shift your focus to the present.

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Like how are you each feeling in the relationship right now?

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Are there any needs that aren't being met?

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And again, this isn't about blaming each other.

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It's just about honestly sharing what's going on for you.

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So we've looked at the past.

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We've checked in on the present.

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What's next?

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Then it's time to look ahead.

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Where do you see yourselves as a couple in a month from now?

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A year from now?

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What are you working towards together?

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What are you excited about?

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I love that.

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So it's about actively shaping your future, not just letting life happen to you.

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Okay.

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This is great.

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So we've covered those daily check-ins, the weekly chats, but there's one more thing

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Dr. Nessa Dizana talks about.

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She also recommends these like annual couples retreats.

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And you know what?

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A weekend getaway sounds pretty good to me right about now.

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Who doesn't love a good getaway?

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And retreats can actually be really beneficial for your relationship if you do them right.

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It's true.

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Okay.

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So what's the key to doing a couples retreat right?

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What does that even look like?

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Well, the most important thing is to create that intentional space for deep connection

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away from all the distractions of everyday life.

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And listen, it doesn't need to be anything fancy.

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It could be a camping trip, a vacation at a cozy bed and breakfast, even just some dedicated

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time at home.

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The key is to disconnect from the outside world, you know?

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Turn off your phones, shut off your laptops, and just focus on each other.

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So like absolutely no checking work emails by the pool.

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Exactly.

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This is time for you two.

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It's a chance to reconnect, to remember why you fell in love in the first place, to have

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those deeper conversations that often get put on the back burner when life gets busy.

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Dr. Nasurza even suggests planning activities that promote connection, like maybe a couple's

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massage, a dance class, or even just taking some time to read to each other.

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Remember what it was like to just be together.

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It's about remembering that you're not just roommates, not just co-parents, you're partners.

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Yes.

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And honestly, sometimes just the act of trying something new together, something outside your

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comfort zone that can be so bonding, can really breathe new life into your relationship.

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Okay.

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I am 100% on board with these retreats.

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But how do you keep that spark alive once you're back home, back to reality?

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How do you make it last?

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That's where those daily and weekly rituals become so important.

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They're like anchors, you know?

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Those consistent points of connection will help you stay close even when life gets crazy

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busy.

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So it's about weaving that intentionality, that appreciation for each other into the

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fabric of your everyday lives, not just saving it for special occasions.

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Exactly.

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Because here's the thing about emergent love.

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It's a conscious choice.

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It's a choice you make every single day to show up for each other through the ups and

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downs no matter what.

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It's about remembering that love is an action.

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It takes effort.

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It takes work.

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But as we've seen today, it's an effort that is so worth it.

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Wouldn't you say?

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Absolutely.

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And remember, it's never too late to start nurturing a more emergent life in your own

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relationship.

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Start small, be consistent, and I promise you, you will see the difference.

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This has been such a great conversation.

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I always learn so much from you.

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And if there's just one thing I want our listeners to take away from this deep dive, it's this.

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Lasting love, it's not about finding some perfect person.

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It's about becoming the right partners for each other, day after day, through that conscious

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effort, through that shared commitment to building something real, something that lasts.

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So until next time, keep those sparks flying.