Alright everyone, buckle up, because today we are diving into some fascinating stuff.
It's called emergent love.
Have you ever heard that saying, finding your missing piece?
It's like you're incomplete until you find that special someone to make you whole.
Yeah, I've heard that one.
A lot of people buy into it.
Right.
But, get this, turns out that whole idea might be doing more harm than good.
At least that's what we are seeing in this research.
Yeah, harmful is a good way to put it.
And that's what has me so fascinated by Dr. Ness Rosada's work.
In these excerpts we're looking at today, she's suggesting it's less about finding
that perfect puzzle piece and more about, get this, tending a fire.
Exactly, and that's such a good analogy, right?
Dr. Ness Rosada's point is that we've been sold this idea of effortless, easy love, you
know, but real relationships, the ones that last, they need that constant work.
Sure, you need that initial attraction, that spark, but after that, it's all about consistently
adding the right stuff to keep it burning bright.
Okay, I'm intrigued.
So, what is that right stuff?
What are we throwing on this relationship fire to keep those flames going?
Well, it's not some magical love person, unfortunately.
It really boils down to six essential ingredients, and you need all of them.
Mutual attraction, definitely.
But also, trust, respect, genuine compassion, shared goals, and this is a big one, consistently
showing love through your actions, not just your words.
So it's less about finding someone perfectly compatible with you from the get-go, and more
about two people, two individuals, who choose to build something amazing together.
Exactly, it's a choice, and it takes effort from both sides.
And you know, what's so interesting is how Dr. Ness Rosada breaks down the ways most
couples actually function.
She's found these three distinct relationship styles.
They're really common, but here's the thing, they often miss the mark when it comes to
building that lasting, fulfilling love.
Okay, you know I love a good breakdown, laid on me.
What are these couple types?
Which one am I, which one should I be on the lookout for in my own life?
Yeah.
You know, no pressure.
Well, let's see, the first type is what Dr. Ness Rosada calls contemporary couples.
Their whole thing is fairness, they're all about equality, keeping things perfectly balanced,
splitting everything 50-50, at least that's the idea.
On paper, sounds pretty good, right?
Sign me up for fairness.
But I have a feeling there's a catch here.
It can't be that simple, right?
Well, you're right.
It's not always that simple, because this hyper focus on keeping things perfectly equal,
it can actually end up backfiring.
It's like they're trying so hard to be fair that all the passion, all the spontaneity
gets squeezed right out.
Interesting.
So it's like they've optimized for practicality, but forgotten about playfulness, surprise,
that spark.
That's a good way to put it.
Then you have what Dr. Ness Rosada calls leftover couples, and I think the name kind of speaks
for itself.
Uh-uh.
So, you know, couples put their own individual needs above the needs of their relationship.
It gets to the point where they're basically living more like roommates than romantic partners.
I mean, careers are important, hobbies are important, and we want to encourage people
to have their own lives, right?
But I can definitely see how constantly putting the relationship on the back burner, how that
could lead to resentment over time, you know?
You create all this distance and-
Exactly.
And resentment is a relationship killer.
And finally we have, and this is where it's really fascinating, what Dr. Ness Rosada calls
submerged couples.
Okay, submerged couples.
I'm already picturing some kind of like over-the-top Hollywood romance, like they're joined at
the hip.
You're actually not far off.
They're totally enmeshed, almost like they've completely lost their own individual identities.
We're talking constant togetherness, always doing things together, the whole nine yards.
And while, yeah, from the outside that might seem like, you know, half-tag relationship
goals, the reality is that level of codependency.
It's not exactly a recipe for long-term happiness for either person.
Interesting.
Okay, so we've got these three couple types, but where do emergent couples fit into all
of this?
They sound like the ideal, so what makes them different?
They're definitely the ideal, and that's what Dr. Ness Rosada says too.
They've somehow found that sweet spot.
Emergent couples are strong individuals, but they're also incredibly connected to their
partners.
They're being able to maintain your own passions, your own sense of self, while simultaneously
nurturing a really strong, fulfilling partnership.
I love that.
It's like that saying intersecting, not overlapping.
Okay, so how do we cultivate this emergent love?
How do we get there?
Because it doesn't sound like a matter of just luck, right?
It sounds like it requires actual conscious effort.
Yeah, and you're right.
It's not about stumbling upon the one.
It's about choosing to build something amazing, something lasting, with someone who shares
your values and is just as committed to making it work as you are.
A big part of that is understanding this crucial difference between you, ready for it, chemistry
and harmony in a relationship.
Okay, I feel like this is where it gets really good.
We've all felt that initial spark.
The butterflies, the late night talks that go on for hours, that's chemistry, right?
I think we can all agree on that.
What exactly is harmony, and how do you actually get it?
Okay, so chemistry, yeah.
It's that initial attraction, that pull you feel towards someone.
It's not really sustainable, is it?
It's like fireworks, beautiful and exciting, but temporary.
Harmony though, that's something different entirely.
Harmony is about cultivating a deeper connection that lasts.
It's about really understanding each other, your needs, your motivations, even those little
quirks that can drive you crazy sometimes, right?
Okay, I like where this is going.
So it's less about those fleeting fireworks and more about building a fire that can withstand
anything, right?
Now you've got it.
One of the most important tools that Dr. Nessarzada talks about is something she calls the OyinJoy
Check-in.
Okay, yes.
We touched on this earlier, but I definitely want to dive a little deeper here.
For our listeners who are just tuning in, what exactly are these OyinJoy Check-ins,
and why are they so important for couples?
Well, you're not going to believe how simple it is.
The idea is to set aside some dedicated time, ideally at the end of each day, where you
and your partner each share one oi and one joy.
The oi is something that's been bugging you and the joy is something you appreciate about
each other or about the relationship in general.
That's it.
So it's about creating a regular space for open and honest communication, but in a structured,
manageable way.
I like that.
Exactly.
Because let's be real for a second.
We're not always great about bringing up the tough stuff, right?
Sometimes it's easier to just stuff those feelings down and avoid conflict, you know?
But then what happens, all those little annoyances, all those things we don't talk about, they
just build up until bam, suddenly you've got a major relationship problem on your hands.
Tell me about it.
Okay, so these check-ins are like a pressure valve, a dedicated time to address the small
stuff before it becomes a big deal.
But how do we approach that oi part without it turning into a blame fest?
Because honestly, sometimes I can see that getting a little heated.
Right.
Well, this is where Dr. Nasrzada talks about this idea of complaining without criticizing,
and it's such a helpful distinction.
Instead of blaming your partner or zeroing in on their flaws, the key is to frame your
oi in terms of their behavior and how it impacts you, not who they are as a person.
So instead of saying, oof, you never listen to me, it's more like, hey, I was feeling
a little unheard when we were talking about this earlier.
Can we maybe circle back to that?
Exactly.
It's a small change in your language, but it can make a huge difference.
That's such a good point.
It's about focusing on the situation, not making it personal, right?
What about the joy part?
I'll be honest, some days it feels like I have to dig deep to find those little nuggets
of appreciation.
I hear you.
It's not always easy, but that's exactly why it's so important to make it a practice.
When you actively look for things to appreciate, even small things, you start noticing them
more.
Trust me on that.
It's like you're training your brain to focus on the positive rather than letting
it get bogged down by the negative.
Right.
And you know what?
It doesn't have to be anything major.
It could be something as simple as, hey, I really appreciated that you made coffee this
morning or I loved how much we laughed during that movie last night.
It really can be that simple.
The important thing is that it's genuine, that it comes from a place of real appreciation.
I'm starting to see how powerful this whole oi and joy thing can be.
It's about making a conscious effort to shift your attention towards the good, even when
life feels hard, which let's be real, is most of the time right.
And you know what's so cool about all of this?
It's backed by science.
Dr. Nasserzadi talks about how over time, consistently practicing gratitude through
these joy shares, it actually starts to rewire your brain.
It's like you're training your brain to be more positive, which guess what?
Leads to greater happiness and relationship satisfaction over time.
It's a win-win.
Wow.
So it's not just about making your partner feel good in the moment.
It's about building a more positive mindset for yourself as well.
I love that.
But what about those couples where one person is like totally gung-ho about all this open
communication and the other, maybe not so much.
What do you do then?
Yeah, that's a really common challenge.
It's important to remember that we all have different levels of comfort when it comes
to vulnerability, right?
Talking about your feelings, being open about your struggles, that can be really scary for
some people.
Absolutely.
So how do you encourage that kind of open dialogue, that sense of safety, without making
your partner feel pressured or overwhelmed?
Yeah.
Because that's the last thing we want.
It's about starting small and building trust over time, just like with anything important
in a relationship.
Maybe instead of launching into a full-blown oi and joy session, you just start by sharing
one joy with each other each day.
See how that feels?
As you become more comfortable, you can slowly introduce the oi element.
That makes sense.
It's about taking baby steps.
Exactly.
And remember, communication has to be a two-way street, right?
It's just as important to be a compassionate and attentive listener as it is to share your
own feelings.
Both people have to feel heard.
So it's about creating that safe space where both partners feel seen, heard, and validated
without feeling judged or criticized.
You got it.
That's the sweet spot.
And while it might feel awkward or even uncomfortable at first, especially if you're not used to
talking about this stuff, the most important thing is to just stick with it.
Because ultimately, the rewards of building that strong foundation of communication are
worth it.
A thousand percent.
Emergent love, it's a journey, not a destination.
There will always be challenges along the way.
Life happens.
But by making that commitment to communicate openly and honestly, to really show up for
each other, you're setting yourselves up for a love that can get through anything.
Okay.
I am sold on these oi and joy check-ins.
But let's move on to another tool that Dr. Nassarzada recommends.
This one's a little less frequent.
She also talks about the importance of these weekly rituals for maintaining a healthy relationship.
Tell me more about that.
Right.
So daily check-ins are great for maintaining that day-to-day connection.
But every now and then, you need to step back and look at the bigger picture, right?
That's where the state of the union conversation comes in.
State of the union, huh?
That sounds a little intense.
Like, do we need to wear suits for this conversation?
No.
No suits required, I promise.
Think of it less like, you know, a presidential address and more like a relaxed check-in.
It's just about being intentional.
Because life gets so busy so easily.
And sometimes those bigger picture conversations about the relationship, they just kind of
fall by the wayside, you know?
Okay.
Yeah, I can definitely see that happening.
So how do we make sure these state of the union conversations are actually productive?
Because I can totally picture it now.
Sunday night rolls around and it's just like, did you remember to call the plumber?
And what should we watch on Netflix?
That's so true.
But these weekly conversations, they're about creating that dedicated space to reconnect
on a deeper level.
So first things first, pick a time and a place that work for both of you.
Maybe it's Sunday morning over coffee.
Maybe it's a walk in the park.
Whatever feels good.
So find what works for you.
Make it your own.
Love that.
Okay, so we've got our time and place set.
What kind of things should we actually be talking about during this check-in?
It's a chance to take a step back and reflect on the past week together.
Like were there moments where you felt really connected?
Or moments where you felt disconnected?
Any arguments that keep coming up over and over again?
Get it all out in the open.
Okay, so air out any issues that might be lingering no matter how big or small.
Address the elephant or maybe just the slightly annoying houseplant in the room.
Yes, exactly.
And once you've looked back on the past week, shift your focus to the present.
Like how are you each feeling in the relationship right now?
Are there any needs that aren't being met?
And again, this isn't about blaming each other.
It's just about honestly sharing what's going on for you.
So we've looked at the past.
We've checked in on the present.
What's next?
Then it's time to look ahead.
Where do you see yourselves as a couple in a month from now?
A year from now?
What are you working towards together?
What are you excited about?
I love that.
So it's about actively shaping your future, not just letting life happen to you.
Okay.
This is great.
So we've covered those daily check-ins, the weekly chats, but there's one more thing
Dr. Nessa Dizana talks about.
She also recommends these like annual couples retreats.
And you know what?
A weekend getaway sounds pretty good to me right about now.
Who doesn't love a good getaway?
And retreats can actually be really beneficial for your relationship if you do them right.
It's true.
Okay.
So what's the key to doing a couples retreat right?
What does that even look like?
Well, the most important thing is to create that intentional space for deep connection
away from all the distractions of everyday life.
And listen, it doesn't need to be anything fancy.
It could be a camping trip, a vacation at a cozy bed and breakfast, even just some dedicated
time at home.
The key is to disconnect from the outside world, you know?
Turn off your phones, shut off your laptops, and just focus on each other.
So like absolutely no checking work emails by the pool.
Exactly.
This is time for you two.
It's a chance to reconnect, to remember why you fell in love in the first place, to have
those deeper conversations that often get put on the back burner when life gets busy.
Dr. Nasurza even suggests planning activities that promote connection, like maybe a couple's
massage, a dance class, or even just taking some time to read to each other.
Remember what it was like to just be together.
It's about remembering that you're not just roommates, not just co-parents, you're partners.
Yes.
And honestly, sometimes just the act of trying something new together, something outside your
comfort zone that can be so bonding, can really breathe new life into your relationship.
Okay.
I am 100% on board with these retreats.
But how do you keep that spark alive once you're back home, back to reality?
How do you make it last?
That's where those daily and weekly rituals become so important.
They're like anchors, you know?
Those consistent points of connection will help you stay close even when life gets crazy
busy.
So it's about weaving that intentionality, that appreciation for each other into the
fabric of your everyday lives, not just saving it for special occasions.
Exactly.
Because here's the thing about emergent love.
It's a conscious choice.
It's a choice you make every single day to show up for each other through the ups and
downs no matter what.
It's about remembering that love is an action.
It takes effort.
It takes work.
But as we've seen today, it's an effort that is so worth it.
Wouldn't you say?
Absolutely.
And remember, it's never too late to start nurturing a more emergent life in your own
relationship.
Start small, be consistent, and I promise you, you will see the difference.
This has been such a great conversation.
I always learn so much from you.
And if there's just one thing I want our listeners to take away from this deep dive, it's this.
Lasting love, it's not about finding some perfect person.
It's about becoming the right partners for each other, day after day, through that conscious
effort, through that shared commitment to building something real, something that lasts.
So until next time, keep those sparks flying.