Okay, so you know how it is, right?
Like you're in this thing, this long-term relationship,
you're committed, you're all in,
but then there are those days
when like all those little quirks your partner has,
they suddenly go from like,
oh, that's cute to like, deal breaker, I'm outta here.
Shuckles.
Like that sock thing, you know, the one sock on the floor.
Normally I'm fine, whatever, but today,
today it means the world is ending.
Yeah, I hear you.
And it turns out it's not just me, right?
Even those like ridiculously happy couples
we all secretly envy.
Right.
They go through phases of,
well, let's just say it's not liking each other very much.
Yeah, it's more common than people think.
Even Jamie Lee Curtis admitted to it,
which honestly is hugely validating
for the rest of us mere mortals.
It really is.
That Jamie Lee Curtis interview really struck a nerve.
Oh, totally.
And you know what I think it is?
It's that she said the thing nobody ever says,
which is just because you have moments
of disliking your partner,
doesn't mean your relationship is over.
Okay, so that's good news.
It's all about how you handle those feelings.
That's what matters.
Right, the handling.
Exactly.
Okay, so that's reassuring and all, but like,
HW, how do we actually do that?
Thankfully, unlike most of us just muddling through,
we've got experts for this.
Shuckles.
Jean Greer, she's a merits therapist.
And she says, that whole unconditional love thing,
bit of a trap actually.
It sets us up for failure,
because who actually likes another human being 24 seven?
Right, unrealistic expectations right there.
Greer's point, and I think it's a good one,
is that we gotta acknowledge the negative stuff too,
the frustration, the resentment,
yeah, even those fleeting moments of dislike.
Yeah, get it all out in the open.
Because then we can get to the bottom of it.
To the WHY.
Exactly, like that sock on the floor.
Maybe it's not really about the sock.
It's never really about the sock, is it?
Right, it could be about feeling unseen in the relationship.
More unappreciated, or like your needs aren't being met.
And if you don't deal with that underlying stuff.
Oh, then you're headed for trouble.
Like DEF CON one relationship meltdown.
Tuggles over a sock, yeah.
Been there, you have this huge blow up fight,
three hours later you're like,
wait, were we really yelling about
whose turn it was to empty the dishwasher?
The worst.
So how do we actually avoid that?
Well there's a sociology professor, Terry Orbook.
She's studied relationships for decades, fascinating stuff.
And she says, it's all about catching things early.
Okay, so like preventative relationship maintenance.
Exactly, address those little issues as they come up.
Don't let them fester.
Right, calmly, privately,
no need to make it a big dramatic production.
Especially if you've got kids, they pick up on everything.
Oh my gosh, yes.
They're like little emotional spudges, aren't they?
Right, and if they're constantly seeing
conflict as the model.
That's what they learn.
Exactly.
So deal with it early, deal with it calmly,
got it.
And Orbook has this really neat tool she talks about.
She calls it the XYZ statement.
XYZ statement, catchy.
It helps you shift from blaming to explaining.
Instead of, you always do X.
It's when you did X in situation Y, it made me feel Z.
Okay, so it's about the impact of the behavior,
not just the behavior itself.
Exactly, so not you always leave your socks on the floor.
Which, let's be real,
is just asking for a defensive counter-argument.
Right, instead it's when you leave your socks on the floor
after I've just tidied up.
It makes me feel like you don't respect my effort
to keep our shared space tidy.
And that makes me feel a little hurt and unappreciated.
Oh wow, see that's so different.
Right, it completely changes the tone.
You're not saying you are the problem,
you're saying this behavior causes this problem for me.
And that's a game changer for communication.
Because it invites empathy instead of defensiveness.
Exactly, and suddenly you're having
a productive conversation.
Instead of, you know, World War III over laundry.
Chuckles, exactly.
And remember, the goal isn't to win the argument.
It's to actually understand each other.
Exactly, to be seen and heard,
and to extend that same understanding to your partner.
Okay, so much good stuff already.
We've tackled the fact that those not so positive feelings
are totally normal, and we've learned a super useful tool
for actually talking about them constructively.
Absolutely.
But what about the positive side?
It can't just be all damage control
and managing the negative, right?
We need to actively be loving too.
Yeah, you're absolutely right.
It's like tending a garden.
You can't just pull weeds, you gotta plant flowers too.
Love the garden analogy.
So we're talking, like, relationships need sunshine
and water, not just bug spray for the icky stuff.
Exactly.
And speaking of tending those metaphorical flowers,
Greer talks about that too.
She says, it's not enough to just manage the negativity,
you've gotta actively cultivate positive emotions
and experiences too.
Yes, it's like making deposits
into a relationship bank account.
Oh, I like that.
Every act of kindness, every time you say,
hey, I appreciate you, every little shared moment of joy,
that's a deposit.
Then, when those inevitable moments of frustration hit,
you've got something to draw on.
That makes so much sense.
I can really picture that, like visually.
Because yeah, the account's always running on empty.
Even like a small overdraft fee,
like the dumb argument about whose turn it was
to unload the dishwasher, it feels like a crisis.
Exactly.
Whereas if there's a healthy balance,
you can weather those withdrawals
without the whole thing blowing up.
Absolutely.
So how do we make those deposits then?
What are we talking about here?
I mean, beyond the obvious big stuff,
like vacations, fancy gifts,
those aren't exactly everyday things, are they?
And they don't have to be.
It's often the small, consistent actions
that really add up over time.
Think about what makes your partner feel seen,
appreciated.
Maybe it's just remembering to pick up their favorite coffee
on your way home.
Maybe it's just offering a listening ear
after they've had a really long day.
Or maybe it's just remembering to say thank you,
expressing gratitude for something they do.
Okay, so it's about being present
in those everyday moments, like intentionally present.
Exactly.
But what about, like, okay,
what about when things really hit the fan?
When we're talking, like, full-blown dislike
spiraling into a massive argument,
how do you love your way through that?
Well, that's where this whole idea of love as a verb,
as an active choice, really becomes crucial.
Because it's easy to love when it feels good, right?
When our partner is meeting our needs,
when life is smooth sailing.
But what about when the seas get rough?
When those waves of frustration and, yes, even dislike,
start to rise, what do we do then?
You're talking about those moments when, like,
even the sound of your partner breathing
suddenly feels like an Olympic sport and annoyance.
Precisely.
And those are the moments, right,
that really test the strength of our commitment.
They challenge us to really dig deep
into our reserves of understanding, patience,
and, yes, even love.
Yeah, because in those moments, let's be real,
love can feel like a pretty tall order.
It's more like, at that point, I'd rather be right
than in this relationship right now.
It can.
Yeah.
And that's where the distinction between love as a feeling
and love as an action becomes so important.
Okay, so less about those warm, fuzzy feelings.
Less about the feeling, more about the actions.
And more about choosing to act lovingly,
even when you're, like, feeling the opposite.
Exactly, and that starts with awareness.
Noticing those negative feelings, but without judgment.
Okay.
Acknowledging their presence
without letting them dictate your actions
or turn into something hurtful.
So instead of immediately snapping at our partner
or, like, withdrawing into ourselves,
we take a moment to just pause and reflect.
Precisely.
Like, hitting the pause button on the argument
before it even starts.
Exactly, we create space for understanding
for ourselves and for our partner.
We ask ourselves, what's really going on here?
What's driving these feelings?
Is this really about them leaving the kitchen light on again?
Or is it about something bigger that I haven't addressed?
Because sometimes that dislike that we're feeling,
it's just a symptom of some other, like, deeper issue.
I think yes.
Maybe we're feeling unheard or unappreciated,
and that frustration is just, like,
bubbling over onto something that's totally unrelated.
Exactly, and once we understand
what's truly at the root of those feelings,
then we can communicate them in a way
that fosters connection rather than conflict.
Which brings us back to those X, Y, Z statements.
Right, so instead of, like,
ah, you always leave the kitchen light on,
are you trying to drive me crazy?
Oh, yeah. It's more like...
It's more like, hey, when you leave the kitchen light on,
after I've already turned it off,
it makes me feel like my efforts to save energy
aren't being considered,
and that makes me feel a little frustrated.
You see, the tone of that is just completely different, right?
Right. It's not an attack,
it's an explanation, and it opens the door for your partner
to actually understand where you're coming from
without feeling immediately defensive.
Exactly. It's about expressing your needs
and your feelings without resorting to blame or criticism.
It's about seeking to understand, not about being right.
Which, let's be real, that's hard to do.
Yeah. Especially in the heat of the moment,
when those, like, fight-or-flight instincts kick in.
It is. Yeah.
And that's where patience comes in.
Patience with ourselves for not always getting it right,
patience with our partner for being,
well, you know, perfectly imperfect human beings.
Right. And patience with the process.
Because, let's face it,
building a strong, healthy relationship, that takes time.
Yeah. And consistent effort.
It's like learning any new skill, right?
Yeah, absolutely.
Like, it's awkward and messy at first,
but with practice, it becomes more natural.
Exactly.
And just like with any skill, there will be setbacks.
There will be moments of frustration
and times when, honestly, we just want to give up.
Right. But it's in those moments,
when we choose love, even when it's hard,
that we not only strengthen our bond with our partner,
but we also cultivate something truly remarkable
within ourselves.
Okay. Now, I'm really intrigued.
Tell me more about this, something remarkable.
What is that?
Well, think about it this way.
When we consistently choose to respond to challenges
with love, with understanding, with a commitment to growth,
what are we doing?
We're building resilience.
We're developing our capacity for empathy,
for compassion, for forgiveness.
And ultimately, we're deepening our own understanding
of what it truly means to love and be loved,
imperfections and all.
That's a really powerful way to frame it.
It's not just about the relationship itself.
It's about the personal growth that's happening
within us as individuals,
as we navigate these inevitable challenges.
Exactly.
It's about becoming the best versions of ourselves,
both for our own wellbeing
and for the wellbeing of our relationships.
So we've been talking about this whole
love as a verb thing, right?
Especially when you're dealing with those moments
where maybe your partner isn't your favorite person
at that exact moment.
But this whole idea,
it's like bigger than just romance, isn't it?
This whole choosing to love even when it's tough.
You're absolutely right.
It applies to so many other relationships,
friendships, family dynamics, even those, let's face it,
sometimes tricky coworker relationships.
Oh, tell me about it.
Because think about it, right?
Have you ever felt frustrated with a friend
or impatient with a family member?
Oh, all the time.
I mean, sometimes my own sister drives me completely
up the wall and I adore her.
Family, right?
It's like they have a special discount
on knowing exactly which buttons to push.
Exactly.
And I think that's an important point, right?
Because with a partner,
there's this expectation of forever.
So working through those tough moments,
it feels more important.
You're committed, you gotta make it work.
Exactly.
But with other relationships,
it's easier to just, I don't know, step back a little.
Like less one-on-one time, fewer heart to hearts.
Yeah, create some distance.
But is that, I don't know,
are we missing out on that love is a verb opportunity then?
It's definitely something to think about
because here's the thing, right?
Whether it's a romantic relationship, a close friendship,
even that coworker you just can't seem to see eye to eye with,
those moments of frustration, of dislike,
they offer us a choice.
Okay, I'm listening.
We can let those feelings fester, build walls,
or we can choose to approach them
with the same tools we've been talking about.
So that means asking ourselves what's really going on.
Exactly.
And then like we talked about,
communicating our needs clearly, but with compassion.
The X, Y, Z statements, remember?
Right, right, and that whole patience thing,
which is always easier said than done.
It all still applies.
So it's about showing up for all our relationships
with that same intentionality.
Exactly.
With that same commitment to growth
that we hopefully bring to our romantic relationships.
It's about recognizing that any relationship,
it takes effort, it takes understanding,
and this willingness to ride out
those inevitable rough patches.
Because just like those waves
we were talking about before, right, conflict,
it's a natural part of being in a relationship.
It's how we choose to ride those waves
that determines if the relationship stays afloat.
I love that analogy.
Are we paddling in sync or are we clinging to the wreckage?
Exactly.
And here's the amazing thing.
The more we practice these skills,
the more we use that love as a verb muscle,
the more it becomes second nature.
It becomes a habit like anything else.
It's like building a toolkit for connection,
for navigating all those complicated, messy,
wonderful dynamics that make up a human life.
I love that, a toolkit for connection.
Okay, that's going on a t-shirt for sure.
So it's not about like never feeling annoyed,
never feeling frustrated,
because let's be real, that's never gonna happen.
Nope, not in this lifetime.
It's about changing how we respond to those moments.
Exactly.
Choosing understanding over judgment,
choosing communication over silence,
and choosing love as an active, ongoing practice.
Wow, this Deem Dive has been incredible.
So many aha moments.
Like I feel like I have a whole new perspective
on how to really show up for the people in my life,
even when it's hard.
And that's what it's all about, right?
Because those connections, the bonds we build,
they're everything.
They're the heart and soul of life well lived.
So well said.
Well, that about wraps it up for today's Deep Dive.
But for all of you listening out there,
keep exploring these ideas, keep those conversations going,
because the world needs more of that.
More understanding, more compassion, more connection.
I couldn't agree more.
That's all the time we have for today.
Until next time, keep diving deep.