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Okay, so you know how it is, right?

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Like you're in this thing, this long-term relationship,

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you're committed, you're all in,

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but then there are those days

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when like all those little quirks your partner has,

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they suddenly go from like,

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oh, that's cute to like, deal breaker, I'm outta here.

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Shuckles.

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Like that sock thing, you know, the one sock on the floor.

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Normally I'm fine, whatever, but today,

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today it means the world is ending.

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Yeah, I hear you.

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And it turns out it's not just me, right?

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Even those like ridiculously happy couples

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we all secretly envy.

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Right.

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They go through phases of,

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well, let's just say it's not liking each other very much.

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Yeah, it's more common than people think.

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Even Jamie Lee Curtis admitted to it,

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which honestly is hugely validating

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for the rest of us mere mortals.

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It really is.

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That Jamie Lee Curtis interview really struck a nerve.

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Oh, totally.

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And you know what I think it is?

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It's that she said the thing nobody ever says,

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which is just because you have moments

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of disliking your partner,

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doesn't mean your relationship is over.

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Okay, so that's good news.

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It's all about how you handle those feelings.

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That's what matters.

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Right, the handling.

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Exactly.

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Okay, so that's reassuring and all, but like,

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HW, how do we actually do that?

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Thankfully, unlike most of us just muddling through,

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we've got experts for this.

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Shuckles.

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Jean Greer, she's a merits therapist.

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And she says, that whole unconditional love thing,

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bit of a trap actually.

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It sets us up for failure,

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because who actually likes another human being 24 seven?

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Right, unrealistic expectations right there.

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Greer's point, and I think it's a good one,

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is that we gotta acknowledge the negative stuff too,

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the frustration, the resentment,

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yeah, even those fleeting moments of dislike.

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Yeah, get it all out in the open.

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Because then we can get to the bottom of it.

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To the WHY.

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Exactly, like that sock on the floor.

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Maybe it's not really about the sock.

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It's never really about the sock, is it?

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Right, it could be about feeling unseen in the relationship.

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More unappreciated, or like your needs aren't being met.

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And if you don't deal with that underlying stuff.

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Oh, then you're headed for trouble.

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Like DEF CON one relationship meltdown.

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Tuggles over a sock, yeah.

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Been there, you have this huge blow up fight,

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three hours later you're like,

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wait, were we really yelling about

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whose turn it was to empty the dishwasher?

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The worst.

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So how do we actually avoid that?

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Well there's a sociology professor, Terry Orbook.

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She's studied relationships for decades, fascinating stuff.

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And she says, it's all about catching things early.

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Okay, so like preventative relationship maintenance.

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Exactly, address those little issues as they come up.

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Don't let them fester.

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Right, calmly, privately,

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no need to make it a big dramatic production.

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Especially if you've got kids, they pick up on everything.

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Oh my gosh, yes.

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They're like little emotional spudges, aren't they?

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Right, and if they're constantly seeing

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conflict as the model.

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That's what they learn.

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Exactly.

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So deal with it early, deal with it calmly,

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got it.

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And Orbook has this really neat tool she talks about.

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She calls it the XYZ statement.

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XYZ statement, catchy.

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It helps you shift from blaming to explaining.

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Instead of, you always do X.

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It's when you did X in situation Y, it made me feel Z.

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Okay, so it's about the impact of the behavior,

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not just the behavior itself.

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Exactly, so not you always leave your socks on the floor.

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Which, let's be real,

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is just asking for a defensive counter-argument.

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Right, instead it's when you leave your socks on the floor

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after I've just tidied up.

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It makes me feel like you don't respect my effort

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to keep our shared space tidy.

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And that makes me feel a little hurt and unappreciated.

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Oh wow, see that's so different.

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Right, it completely changes the tone.

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You're not saying you are the problem,

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you're saying this behavior causes this problem for me.

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And that's a game changer for communication.

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Because it invites empathy instead of defensiveness.

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Exactly, and suddenly you're having

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a productive conversation.

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Instead of, you know, World War III over laundry.

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Chuckles, exactly.

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And remember, the goal isn't to win the argument.

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It's to actually understand each other.

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Exactly, to be seen and heard,

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and to extend that same understanding to your partner.

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Okay, so much good stuff already.

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We've tackled the fact that those not so positive feelings

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are totally normal, and we've learned a super useful tool

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for actually talking about them constructively.

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Absolutely.

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But what about the positive side?

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It can't just be all damage control

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and managing the negative, right?

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We need to actively be loving too.

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Yeah, you're absolutely right.

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It's like tending a garden.

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You can't just pull weeds, you gotta plant flowers too.

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Love the garden analogy.

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So we're talking, like, relationships need sunshine

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and water, not just bug spray for the icky stuff.

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Exactly.

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And speaking of tending those metaphorical flowers,

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Greer talks about that too.

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She says, it's not enough to just manage the negativity,

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you've gotta actively cultivate positive emotions

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and experiences too.

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Yes, it's like making deposits

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into a relationship bank account.

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Oh, I like that.

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Every act of kindness, every time you say,

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hey, I appreciate you, every little shared moment of joy,

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that's a deposit.

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Then, when those inevitable moments of frustration hit,

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you've got something to draw on.

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That makes so much sense.

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I can really picture that, like visually.

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Because yeah, the account's always running on empty.

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Even like a small overdraft fee,

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like the dumb argument about whose turn it was

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to unload the dishwasher, it feels like a crisis.

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Exactly.

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Whereas if there's a healthy balance,

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you can weather those withdrawals

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without the whole thing blowing up.

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Absolutely.

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So how do we make those deposits then?

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What are we talking about here?

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I mean, beyond the obvious big stuff,

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like vacations, fancy gifts,

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those aren't exactly everyday things, are they?

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And they don't have to be.

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It's often the small, consistent actions

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that really add up over time.

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Think about what makes your partner feel seen,

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appreciated.

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Maybe it's just remembering to pick up their favorite coffee

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on your way home.

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Maybe it's just offering a listening ear

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after they've had a really long day.

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Or maybe it's just remembering to say thank you,

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expressing gratitude for something they do.

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Okay, so it's about being present

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in those everyday moments, like intentionally present.

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Exactly.

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But what about, like, okay,

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what about when things really hit the fan?

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When we're talking, like, full-blown dislike

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spiraling into a massive argument,

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how do you love your way through that?

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Well, that's where this whole idea of love as a verb,

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as an active choice, really becomes crucial.

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Because it's easy to love when it feels good, right?

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When our partner is meeting our needs,

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when life is smooth sailing.

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But what about when the seas get rough?

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When those waves of frustration and, yes, even dislike,

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start to rise, what do we do then?

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You're talking about those moments when, like,

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even the sound of your partner breathing

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suddenly feels like an Olympic sport and annoyance.

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Precisely.

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And those are the moments, right,

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that really test the strength of our commitment.

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They challenge us to really dig deep

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into our reserves of understanding, patience,

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and, yes, even love.

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Yeah, because in those moments, let's be real,

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love can feel like a pretty tall order.

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It's more like, at that point, I'd rather be right

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than in this relationship right now.

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It can.

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Yeah.

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And that's where the distinction between love as a feeling

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and love as an action becomes so important.

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Okay, so less about those warm, fuzzy feelings.

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Less about the feeling, more about the actions.

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And more about choosing to act lovingly,

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even when you're, like, feeling the opposite.

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Exactly, and that starts with awareness.

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Noticing those negative feelings, but without judgment.

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Okay.

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Acknowledging their presence

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without letting them dictate your actions

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or turn into something hurtful.

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So instead of immediately snapping at our partner

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or, like, withdrawing into ourselves,

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we take a moment to just pause and reflect.

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Precisely.

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Like, hitting the pause button on the argument

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before it even starts.

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Exactly, we create space for understanding

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for ourselves and for our partner.

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We ask ourselves, what's really going on here?

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What's driving these feelings?

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Is this really about them leaving the kitchen light on again?

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Or is it about something bigger that I haven't addressed?

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Because sometimes that dislike that we're feeling,

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it's just a symptom of some other, like, deeper issue.

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I think yes.

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Maybe we're feeling unheard or unappreciated,

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and that frustration is just, like,

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bubbling over onto something that's totally unrelated.

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Exactly, and once we understand

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what's truly at the root of those feelings,

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then we can communicate them in a way

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that fosters connection rather than conflict.

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Which brings us back to those X, Y, Z statements.

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Right, so instead of, like,

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ah, you always leave the kitchen light on,

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are you trying to drive me crazy?

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Oh, yeah. It's more like...

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It's more like, hey, when you leave the kitchen light on,

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after I've already turned it off,

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it makes me feel like my efforts to save energy

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aren't being considered,

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and that makes me feel a little frustrated.

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You see, the tone of that is just completely different, right?

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Right. It's not an attack,

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it's an explanation, and it opens the door for your partner

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to actually understand where you're coming from

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without feeling immediately defensive.

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Exactly. It's about expressing your needs

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and your feelings without resorting to blame or criticism.

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It's about seeking to understand, not about being right.

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Which, let's be real, that's hard to do.

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Yeah. Especially in the heat of the moment,

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when those, like, fight-or-flight instincts kick in.

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It is. Yeah.

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And that's where patience comes in.

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Patience with ourselves for not always getting it right,

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patience with our partner for being,

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well, you know, perfectly imperfect human beings.

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Right. And patience with the process.

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Because, let's face it,

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building a strong, healthy relationship, that takes time.

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Yeah. And consistent effort.

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It's like learning any new skill, right?

268
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Yeah, absolutely.

269
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Like, it's awkward and messy at first,

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but with practice, it becomes more natural.

271
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Exactly.

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And just like with any skill, there will be setbacks.

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There will be moments of frustration

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and times when, honestly, we just want to give up.

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Right. But it's in those moments,

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when we choose love, even when it's hard,

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that we not only strengthen our bond with our partner,

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but we also cultivate something truly remarkable

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within ourselves.

280
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Okay. Now, I'm really intrigued.

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Tell me more about this, something remarkable.

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What is that?

283
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Well, think about it this way.

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When we consistently choose to respond to challenges

285
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with love, with understanding, with a commitment to growth,

286
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what are we doing?

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We're building resilience.

288
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We're developing our capacity for empathy,

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for compassion, for forgiveness.

290
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And ultimately, we're deepening our own understanding

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of what it truly means to love and be loved,

292
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imperfections and all.

293
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That's a really powerful way to frame it.

294
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It's not just about the relationship itself.

295
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It's about the personal growth that's happening

296
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within us as individuals,

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as we navigate these inevitable challenges.

298
00:10:46,880 --> 00:10:47,760
Exactly.

299
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It's about becoming the best versions of ourselves,

300
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both for our own wellbeing

301
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and for the wellbeing of our relationships.

302
00:10:54,880 --> 00:10:56,080
So we've been talking about this whole

303
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love as a verb thing, right?

304
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Especially when you're dealing with those moments

305
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where maybe your partner isn't your favorite person

306
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at that exact moment.

307
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But this whole idea,

308
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it's like bigger than just romance, isn't it?

309
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This whole choosing to love even when it's tough.

310
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You're absolutely right.

311
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It applies to so many other relationships,

312
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friendships, family dynamics, even those, let's face it,

313
00:11:17,200 --> 00:11:19,720
sometimes tricky coworker relationships.

314
00:11:19,720 --> 00:11:21,040
Oh, tell me about it.

315
00:11:21,040 --> 00:11:22,320
Because think about it, right?

316
00:11:22,320 --> 00:11:24,840
Have you ever felt frustrated with a friend

317
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or impatient with a family member?

318
00:11:26,800 --> 00:11:27,960
Oh, all the time.

319
00:11:27,960 --> 00:11:30,640
I mean, sometimes my own sister drives me completely

320
00:11:30,640 --> 00:11:32,720
up the wall and I adore her.

321
00:11:32,720 --> 00:11:34,000
Family, right?

322
00:11:34,000 --> 00:11:35,280
It's like they have a special discount

323
00:11:35,280 --> 00:11:37,600
on knowing exactly which buttons to push.

324
00:11:37,600 --> 00:11:38,440
Exactly.

325
00:11:38,440 --> 00:11:40,080
And I think that's an important point, right?

326
00:11:40,080 --> 00:11:41,880
Because with a partner,

327
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there's this expectation of forever.

328
00:11:44,520 --> 00:11:46,640
So working through those tough moments,

329
00:11:46,640 --> 00:11:48,880
it feels more important.

330
00:11:48,880 --> 00:11:50,240
You're committed, you gotta make it work.

331
00:11:50,240 --> 00:11:51,080
Exactly.

332
00:11:51,080 --> 00:11:52,320
But with other relationships,

333
00:11:52,320 --> 00:11:54,720
it's easier to just, I don't know, step back a little.

334
00:11:54,720 --> 00:11:57,160
Like less one-on-one time, fewer heart to hearts.

335
00:11:57,160 --> 00:11:58,440
Yeah, create some distance.

336
00:11:58,440 --> 00:11:59,440
But is that, I don't know,

337
00:11:59,440 --> 00:12:02,640
are we missing out on that love is a verb opportunity then?

338
00:12:02,640 --> 00:12:04,520
It's definitely something to think about

339
00:12:04,520 --> 00:12:06,080
because here's the thing, right?

340
00:12:06,080 --> 00:12:08,800
Whether it's a romantic relationship, a close friendship,

341
00:12:08,800 --> 00:12:12,360
even that coworker you just can't seem to see eye to eye with,

342
00:12:12,360 --> 00:12:14,880
those moments of frustration, of dislike,

343
00:12:14,880 --> 00:12:16,640
they offer us a choice.

344
00:12:16,640 --> 00:12:17,560
Okay, I'm listening.

345
00:12:17,560 --> 00:12:21,080
We can let those feelings fester, build walls,

346
00:12:21,080 --> 00:12:22,800
or we can choose to approach them

347
00:12:22,800 --> 00:12:24,800
with the same tools we've been talking about.

348
00:12:24,800 --> 00:12:28,440
So that means asking ourselves what's really going on.

349
00:12:28,440 --> 00:12:29,280
Exactly.

350
00:12:29,280 --> 00:12:30,360
And then like we talked about,

351
00:12:30,360 --> 00:12:33,400
communicating our needs clearly, but with compassion.

352
00:12:33,400 --> 00:12:35,360
The X, Y, Z statements, remember?

353
00:12:35,360 --> 00:12:37,240
Right, right, and that whole patience thing,

354
00:12:37,240 --> 00:12:38,880
which is always easier said than done.

355
00:12:38,880 --> 00:12:40,200
It all still applies.

356
00:12:40,200 --> 00:12:42,480
So it's about showing up for all our relationships

357
00:12:42,480 --> 00:12:45,160
with that same intentionality.

358
00:12:45,160 --> 00:12:46,000
Exactly.

359
00:12:46,000 --> 00:12:47,880
With that same commitment to growth

360
00:12:47,880 --> 00:12:51,240
that we hopefully bring to our romantic relationships.

361
00:12:51,240 --> 00:12:53,960
It's about recognizing that any relationship,

362
00:12:53,960 --> 00:12:56,040
it takes effort, it takes understanding,

363
00:12:56,040 --> 00:12:58,160
and this willingness to ride out

364
00:12:58,160 --> 00:13:00,720
those inevitable rough patches.

365
00:13:00,720 --> 00:13:02,200
Because just like those waves

366
00:13:02,200 --> 00:13:04,760
we were talking about before, right, conflict,

367
00:13:04,760 --> 00:13:07,400
it's a natural part of being in a relationship.

368
00:13:07,400 --> 00:13:09,760
It's how we choose to ride those waves

369
00:13:09,760 --> 00:13:11,920
that determines if the relationship stays afloat.

370
00:13:11,920 --> 00:13:13,120
I love that analogy.

371
00:13:13,120 --> 00:13:16,800
Are we paddling in sync or are we clinging to the wreckage?

372
00:13:16,800 --> 00:13:17,640
Exactly.

373
00:13:17,640 --> 00:13:18,960
And here's the amazing thing.

374
00:13:18,960 --> 00:13:20,880
The more we practice these skills,

375
00:13:20,880 --> 00:13:25,000
the more we use that love as a verb muscle,

376
00:13:25,000 --> 00:13:26,840
the more it becomes second nature.

377
00:13:26,840 --> 00:13:28,480
It becomes a habit like anything else.

378
00:13:28,480 --> 00:13:30,800
It's like building a toolkit for connection,

379
00:13:30,800 --> 00:13:33,240
for navigating all those complicated, messy,

380
00:13:33,240 --> 00:13:36,160
wonderful dynamics that make up a human life.

381
00:13:36,160 --> 00:13:37,960
I love that, a toolkit for connection.

382
00:13:37,960 --> 00:13:40,600
Okay, that's going on a t-shirt for sure.

383
00:13:40,600 --> 00:13:43,080
So it's not about like never feeling annoyed,

384
00:13:43,080 --> 00:13:44,360
never feeling frustrated,

385
00:13:44,360 --> 00:13:46,400
because let's be real, that's never gonna happen.

386
00:13:46,400 --> 00:13:47,640
Nope, not in this lifetime.

387
00:13:47,640 --> 00:13:50,640
It's about changing how we respond to those moments.

388
00:13:50,640 --> 00:13:51,800
Exactly.

389
00:13:51,800 --> 00:13:53,960
Choosing understanding over judgment,

390
00:13:53,960 --> 00:13:56,160
choosing communication over silence,

391
00:13:56,160 --> 00:13:59,880
and choosing love as an active, ongoing practice.

392
00:13:59,880 --> 00:14:01,960
Wow, this Deem Dive has been incredible.

393
00:14:01,960 --> 00:14:04,040
So many aha moments.

394
00:14:04,040 --> 00:14:06,240
Like I feel like I have a whole new perspective

395
00:14:06,240 --> 00:14:09,400
on how to really show up for the people in my life,

396
00:14:09,400 --> 00:14:10,480
even when it's hard.

397
00:14:10,480 --> 00:14:11,840
And that's what it's all about, right?

398
00:14:11,840 --> 00:14:14,000
Because those connections, the bonds we build,

399
00:14:14,000 --> 00:14:14,840
they're everything.

400
00:14:14,840 --> 00:14:17,840
They're the heart and soul of life well lived.

401
00:14:17,840 --> 00:14:19,120
So well said.

402
00:14:19,120 --> 00:14:21,400
Well, that about wraps it up for today's Deep Dive.

403
00:14:21,400 --> 00:14:23,160
But for all of you listening out there,

404
00:14:23,160 --> 00:14:26,600
keep exploring these ideas, keep those conversations going,

405
00:14:26,600 --> 00:14:28,280
because the world needs more of that.

406
00:14:28,280 --> 00:14:30,680
More understanding, more compassion, more connection.

407
00:14:30,680 --> 00:14:31,920
I couldn't agree more.

408
00:14:31,920 --> 00:14:33,520
That's all the time we have for today.

409
00:14:33,520 --> 00:14:49,880
Until next time, keep diving deep.