Hey friends! Welcome back to Sounds Sketch,
Where we promise that if you give us a lesson, we'll give you a laugh.
I'm your host Kyle James, and I'm excited to have you with us for another episode.
We've got a fantastic lineup in store for you, starting with our first sketch of "The
Gardiner song".
For those of you who are from Toronto, you can probably already guess where this is going.
And if you're from any other city with crazy traffic, then this one goes out to you too.
I'm Kyle James, and this is Sounds Sketchy!
When I get off the Gardner Inn, on Gardner, going nowhere but I wish I'd been.
And I see that sick construction sign again.
Why did I get on the Gardner Inn?
On Gardner, like a gang of fools we go on down the highway.
We all hate each other, man you're crazy if you're trying to get in my name.
On Gardner, I can't wait to get off the Gardner.
Life I love this way out there with my friends.
When I get off the Gardner, Gardner, going nowhere but I wish I'd been.
And I see that sick construction sign again.
Why did I get on the Gardner Inn?
Get the fuck out of my lane.
Oh my fucking god, I'm not.
You're not to champion fucking serious right now.
Get the fuck out of my lane.
Oh fuck.
Next time I'm taking a short for sure.
On the Gardner, just can't wait to get off the Gardner.
Life I love this way out there with my friends.
I will never take the Gardner Inn.
Hey there, how are you doing on this lovely day?
Ummm...
Meh.
Alright then...
I'd like to get one venti mocha-nana soy frap.
What?
One venti mocha-nana frappuccino with soy
And one old fashioned donut please.
We can't do that.
Oh no no no.
I know.
It's not on the regular menu.
It's on the secret menu.
Sir, this is a Tim Hortons.
We have hot coffee and cold coffee.
Those are the only options.
Okay...but what if you take an "iced capp", and then just add like: 48 shots of espresso, some
protein powder, two blended bananas, a touch of caramel drizzle and a little bit of soy.
Cold coffee or hot coffee?
Of course it would be cold coffee.
It's a frap--
--I mean, iced capp, whatever you want to call it....
Can you just make me that drink but with 48 shots of espresso and some soy please?
No.
You can't just say no to my order?
No.
This is outrageous.
I need to speak to your manager!
I'm the manager.
Why won't you let me order my drink?
Because we don't take kindly to your kind around here.
My kind?
Yeah, you people and your whipped cream and your bullshit overpriced coffee, adjacent drinks.
I just like whipped cream.
Here. Hot chocolate and an espresso cup.
Take it or leave it.
I'll take it.
Hello and welcome everybody to the Ultimate Fitness Challenge, the hottest new fitness
craze.
I'm your host Jessica and this is Mark.
We're thrilled you're here to transform your bodies and to transform this space.
That's right!
Today's class is all about total body workouts and community spirit!
We're starting with some cardio to get those heart rates up.
Everyone grab a ladder and let's get moving.
Get out of my studio.
Great job everyone!
Now let's move on to strength training.
We've got a big job today, painting these walls!
Grab a brush and let's get to it!
So Jessica, how does painting walls fit into the fitness plan?
Oh, it's all a part of our unique "functional fitness" method.
We blend practical tasks with exercise.
It's about real world strength!
Exactly!
You're not just working out;
You're helping us create a perfect space for all our fitness goals.
Isn't that amazing?
Um, but shouldn't we be focusing more on traditional workouts?
This seems to be a bit...off.
Oh, we like to keep things interesting! And think of it as a full body workout with some
bonus activities.
It's all about staying engaged!
And the best part, by the end of the day, you'll have helped create a space that's
all your own!
How is it our own exactly?
It's not exactly.
In a legal and tangible sense, this would still entirely be ours.
But by designing a studio that you can continually come back to and see a piece of you in is
almost in a sense like having created a space to call your own.
And on top of that, you get a great workout experience that's new and catered to you
every time you come in.
And what do you mean by catered to us?
What Jessica means to say is that we have all sorts of fitness classes and after first
time has come for the first session, we will occasionally recommend courses that we think
would be more suited for their strengths and goals.
Time for the final touch.
We're adding some motivational quotes with glitter paint.
Here's a stencil and here's some glitter paint for you.
Motivational quotes and glitter.
Yes, a little sparkle makes everything better.
You're adding that extra bit of magic to your studio.
This doesn't quite seem like a fitness class anymore.
This just sounds like you're using us for free labor.
Yeah, you just want us to paint your studio and pay you to do it.
You should be ashamed of yourselves.
Oh, no, no, it's all part of our endurance training method.
The real strength comes from handling the unexpected.
And look at what you've already accomplished today.
A fresh new space and a great workout.
It's a win-win.
But we signed up to walk out, not to paint and do all this bullshit for free.
And we are working out.
This is an advanced form of fitness, blending exercise with community service.
Yes, and just think of the story you'll have to tell.
The next class will be more traditional, though, we promise.
You're nothing but a bunch of con artists and you're bold to assume that any of us
would ever come back.
I want to fucking refund.
Yay, me too!
Thank you all for all of your hard work today.
We really couldn't have done it without you.
Keep an eye out for our next class, where we'll definitely focus more on traditional
fitness instead of functional.
Fuck you, we want our money back.
We absolutely appreciate your effort today.
Until next time, stay strong and stay Ultimate Fitness.
If anybody wants a refund, they better fight for it.
What's up, mellow maestro?
It's time to let those thoughts flow.
You're on with Dave from Dave's Dojo, where we attack your problems head on, right here
on the phone.
What's your problem, man?
Hi, Dave.
Scared I'm gonna lose my job due to downsides.
What should I do?
That's tough, man, but you know, maybe you could consider transitioning to a position
that doesn't have as high of a turnover rate before they fire you.
It's not a bad idea, but I just don't even know what I would do.
I love this job so much, and I'm so used to it.
I don't know if I...
I don't know if I'm ready to just leave.
But I'm so much more scared of getting fired.
Dude, have you ever thought about becoming a magician?
It's all about illusion, transformation.
You could dazzle everyone and make that old job disappear like a rabbit out of a hat,
right?
Are you serious?
I'm calling you about a real problem, and you're telling me to become a fucking magician?
But you were supposed to help with serious issues, not just sit here and blow smoking
gifts ridiculous advice.
Whoa, chill out, bro.
Listen, I'm just saying sometimes you gotta think outside the box to get through the tough
times.
But, uh, if magic isn't your thing, maybe look into other careers where you can use skills
you already got, you know?
Ugh, forget it.
I don't know, I'm wasting my time.
Dude, sometimes it's about finding the magic in our own lives.
Fuck you, Dave.
You gotta keep your head up, be open to new opportunities, and you'll be alright.
Hello?
Whoa, alright then.
I guess we're gonna go on to our next caller.
Hey, what's happening?
It's Dojo Dave to happen in.
What's your problem, man?
Hey, Dave.
My partner and I, we just keep fighting.
You got any advice?
Get some boxing lessons, they won't know what hit them.
But, you fucking asshole.
I called to get help and you want to make jokes about domestic violence?
What's wrong with you?
Whoa, whoa, take it easy.
Listen, dudeette.
It's not always about winning the fight.
Sometimes it's about finding the right time to listen.
Might not stop the punches, but it'll stop the blows from landing as hard, you dig?
Wait, what?
You realize I'm not talking about actual fist fighting, right?
Yeah, man, but I mean like, the world's a fight, and love is like spark sometimes.
Like, you gotta know when to stick and when to move, so like, go work on that footwork, dude.
Wait, but what does that even actually mean?
Peace.
What's up, Dreamweaver?
Hope you brought your Viperceaver.
You're on with Dojo Dave.
What's your problem, man?
It's my chance.
Hello?
My friends are crawling around in my brain, and they want me to be their queen.
I don't want to let them get the last laugh.
I don't want to be their queen.
Hey, man.
It's your buddy, Dave, from the phone.
I just wanted to check on your vibes.
I'm freaking out, man.
The vibes are off, my dude.
That's heavy, man, but no worries, bro.
The universe sent me signs that I may guide back a stray, trippy traveler from the Lost in the Cosmos today.
I think I'm having a bad trip.
You're in the right place, brother.
I don't know what to do, man.
Help me, Dave.
You know, sometimes life is like a groovy kaleidoscope full of shifting colors and unexpected turns.
Think of yourself as a cosmic traveler on a wild journey just passing through some rough terrain.
But it's too much terrain to handle.
I think we're gonna crash out, man.
First, breathe deeply and feel the Earth beneath you.
Connect with the natural rhythm of the universe, man.
Embrace the peace within and remember, crashing waves always turn back to still water.
Now let the energy flow and find your center.
Reach out to the people around you, vibe with your frequency.
Share your journey and let the good vibes surround you.
Sometimes it's the love from the universe that helps guide us through the storm.
And if you ain't got no other love in this year's storm, you got Dojo Dave right here, brother.
I can stay with you on the line till the waves clear and we can serve our separate ways.
I think you're right, man.
I think that's a...
This bad trip was trying to tell me not to be scared of going off on my own path.
The water looks rough.
But I have better balance than I thought.
Right, uh...
I don't feel as many ants as before.
And the terrain seems to be leveling out.
But I think we're gonna be okay.
I just need to ride out the wave.
I'm glad to hear that, man.
And if you feel any more ants in your brain before the terrain is all clear, just remember...
That ants hate salt and lemon juice, so drink some salty lemonade and you should be good.
Oh, of course! Salty lemonade.
Dojo Dave, I don't know what we do without you.
I love you, man.
I love you too, man.
I love all of you guys.
And with that, I'm gonna take my last bowl and that's it for tonight's show.
Thanks for tuning in, everyone.
If you're ever feeling lost or just need a bit of cosmic guidance, just remember...
Stay connected and let the universe's love guide you.
Until next time, keep on keeping on.
Alright, that's a wrap on today's episode of Sound Sketchy.
We hope you enjoyed getting to meet all of this week's new characters.
If you found yourself laughing at any of these insane skits, then...
I think we've done our job.
We can't wait to have you guys back for our next episode.
We've got more absurd dark humor coming your way.
So, be sure to tune in next time.
I'm Kyle James and this has been Sound Sketchy.
And...
Always remember, man.
Sometimes, the best way to deal with life's little frustrations is to laugh at them, bro.
Ah, dojo Dave.
Yeah, until next time, stay sketchy, my friends.