WEBVTT 00:00:00.040 --> 00:00:02.779 This is Emotional Bites. It's where we unpack 00:00:02.779 --> 00:00:05.940 the complex tapestry of human experience. I'm 00:00:05.940 --> 00:00:08.179 Jillian Rodgers, your host for today. Welcome 00:00:08.179 --> 00:00:10.400 to the show. We've got a very special guest today, 00:00:10.800 --> 00:00:13.439 Jasmine Dola, to continue our series on human 00:00:13.439 --> 00:00:16.059 needs. In this episode, we're looking at our 00:00:16.059 --> 00:00:18.440 identity needs. These are those reflections and 00:00:18.440 --> 00:00:22.339 thoughts that tell us who we are. Hi, Gillian. 00:00:22.359 --> 00:00:23.940 It's lovely to be here. Thanks for having me. 00:00:24.160 --> 00:00:26.800 So I guess our first question is what identity 00:00:26.800 --> 00:00:29.820 needs actually are and how do we know about them? 00:00:29.960 --> 00:00:32.219 In the emotional bites framework, there are four 00:00:32.219 --> 00:00:35.119 domains of needs that influence our thoughts, 00:00:35.340 --> 00:00:38.280 emotions, and behavior. These needs are psychological 00:00:38.280 --> 00:00:40.859 needs, emotional needs, relational needs, and 00:00:40.859 --> 00:00:43.340 of course the identity needs that we are discussing 00:00:43.340 --> 00:00:46.219 today. So the three things that people need to 00:00:46.219 --> 00:00:48.759 experience to keep their sense of identity stable 00:00:48.759 --> 00:00:54.340 are validation, belonging, and idealization. 00:00:54.820 --> 00:00:57.340 There's a psychological bedrock shaping our deepest 00:00:57.340 --> 00:01:01.240 emotional responses. Thanks, Jas. These aren't 00:01:01.240 --> 00:01:03.920 just surface -level desires. Our identity needs 00:01:03.920 --> 00:01:06.620 create our strongest emotional drives, precisely 00:01:06.620 --> 00:01:08.579 because they're so deeply ingrained into our 00:01:08.579 --> 00:01:12.079 psyche. Right. But why do you think these needs 00:01:12.079 --> 00:01:14.879 hit us so hard compared to physical ones like 00:01:14.879 --> 00:01:19.239 hunger or tiredness? I think it's because these 00:01:19.239 --> 00:01:22.099 needs touch on who we believe ourselves to be 00:01:22.099 --> 00:01:25.180 at the core. A threat to our identity feels the 00:01:25.180 --> 00:01:27.620 same as a threat to our physical being. It's 00:01:27.620 --> 00:01:30.480 existential, I guess. But where do we start with 00:01:30.480 --> 00:01:34.319 this? Let's start with validation. What is it, 00:01:34.319 --> 00:01:37.819 I hear you ask? It's the need to feel seen and 00:01:37.819 --> 00:01:41.000 accepted for our authentic selves without having 00:01:41.000 --> 00:01:44.340 to pretend. It's when someone mirrors back or 00:01:44.340 --> 00:01:47.349 affirms how we want to be seen. Is that like 00:01:47.349 --> 00:01:49.909 when someone truly hears your perspective or 00:01:49.909 --> 00:01:52.650 acknowledges your efforts? Yeah, exactly. And 00:01:52.650 --> 00:01:55.549 the absence of validation can trigger profound 00:01:55.549 --> 00:01:58.349 emotional pain. Not just disappointment, but 00:01:58.349 --> 00:02:01.390 a sense of, I don't matter. I'm inconsequential. 00:02:01.709 --> 00:02:04.269 It's about more than getting praise as a child. 00:02:04.709 --> 00:02:07.530 It's about confirming your worthiness to construct 00:02:07.530 --> 00:02:11.159 your own identity and exist as you are. Yeah, 00:02:11.240 --> 00:02:13.479 that resonates. I think about how when someone 00:02:13.479 --> 00:02:16.159 brushes off my concerns, it can make me question 00:02:16.159 --> 00:02:19.479 whether they understand who I am at all. Precisely. 00:02:19.860 --> 00:02:22.960 A person's identity takes a direct hit when others 00:02:22.960 --> 00:02:25.939 don't mirror back who they need to be seen as. 00:02:26.180 --> 00:02:28.639 It creates a kind of dissonance. It can be quite 00:02:28.639 --> 00:02:31.800 jarring to the psyche. Now, what about belonging? 00:02:32.099 --> 00:02:35.319 This in some way feels even more primal. Absolutely. 00:02:35.400 --> 00:02:37.419 It's about feeling connected to something larger 00:02:37.419 --> 00:02:39.699 than ourselves. It's like we have a tribe that 00:02:39.699 --> 00:02:42.479 accepts us unconditionally. Evolutionarily speaking, 00:02:42.780 --> 00:02:46.020 it makes sense. Our ancestors needed group cohesion 00:02:46.020 --> 00:02:48.780 for survival. So when we feel excluded or on 00:02:48.780 --> 00:02:51.580 the periphery, it activates that ancient fear 00:02:51.580 --> 00:02:54.319 of abandonment, the anxiety of being left vulnerable 00:02:54.319 --> 00:02:58.180 and alone, exposed even. This also brings up 00:02:58.180 --> 00:03:01.169 the subject of attachment patterns. Some people 00:03:01.169 --> 00:03:03.610 are much more sensitive to threats because their 00:03:03.610 --> 00:03:06.270 early bonds were insecure and they didn't develop 00:03:06.270 --> 00:03:08.849 that strong internal mechanism they can rely 00:03:08.849 --> 00:03:11.270 on to feel safe in who they are, whatever the 00:03:11.270 --> 00:03:14.330 situation. It can also make them very susceptible 00:03:14.330 --> 00:03:16.669 to being overwhelmed or manipulated by others. 00:03:17.159 --> 00:03:20.099 Great point. Someone with an anxious attachment 00:03:20.099 --> 00:03:22.840 style might react strongly to even the slightest 00:03:22.840 --> 00:03:25.860 hint of rejection, constantly seeking reassurance. 00:03:26.020 --> 00:03:28.219 And for those with avoidant tendencies, they 00:03:28.219 --> 00:03:30.780 might push away connections before they can feel 00:03:30.780 --> 00:03:33.139 truly seen or be known. They might feel like 00:03:33.139 --> 00:03:34.919 they're protecting themselves from potential 00:03:34.919 --> 00:03:37.680 hurt, but they can often end up alone or isolated. 00:03:37.840 --> 00:03:39.919 What we find is that early attachment patterns 00:03:39.919 --> 00:03:42.879 are like a primer for how we handle threats to 00:03:42.879 --> 00:03:46.439 our needs for validation and belonging. So let's 00:03:46.439 --> 00:03:50.120 move to idealization. This is so much more subtle, 00:03:50.180 --> 00:03:53.099 but no less important. This is the need people 00:03:53.099 --> 00:03:55.639 have to be admired or respected by significant 00:03:55.639 --> 00:03:58.000 others and to have people in your life that you 00:03:58.000 --> 00:04:00.840 look up to. This one feels complex emotionally. 00:04:01.259 --> 00:04:03.580 It's like needing external confirmation of your 00:04:03.580 --> 00:04:05.599 value and having someone who gives you permission 00:04:05.599 --> 00:04:09.219 or represents who you want to be. It's why criticism 00:04:09.219 --> 00:04:11.580 from someone you look up to can be devastating. 00:04:12.020 --> 00:04:14.479 That's your mirror being shattered. But there's 00:04:14.479 --> 00:04:17.189 a catch. It often leads to performance -based 00:04:17.189 --> 00:04:19.290 relationships rather than authentic connection. 00:04:20.050 --> 00:04:22.870 This is because we're trying to maintain an idealized 00:04:22.870 --> 00:04:26.170 image rather than being truly seen. Yeah, when 00:04:26.170 --> 00:04:29.269 we idealize another person or partner, we're 00:04:29.269 --> 00:04:32.129 essentially forcing them into a role that they 00:04:32.129 --> 00:04:34.290 feel like they need to maintain in order for 00:04:34.290 --> 00:04:37.129 the relationship to work. And the pressure to 00:04:37.129 --> 00:04:40.410 conform to roles, rules, and expectations can 00:04:40.410 --> 00:04:43.160 be immense. So these needs aren't just about 00:04:43.160 --> 00:04:45.019 comfort, they're about protecting ourselves. 00:04:45.279 --> 00:04:47.379 When they're met, we feel emotionally secure. 00:04:47.839 --> 00:04:49.879 When our identity needs are frustrated, that's 00:04:49.879 --> 00:04:52.879 when we see the strongest reactions, anger, sadness, 00:04:53.339 --> 00:04:55.920 anxiety. Let me ask you, if you share something 00:04:55.920 --> 00:04:58.339 vulnerable and it's ignored or dismissed, what 00:04:58.339 --> 00:05:13.139 does that feel like? Now, what about belonging? 00:05:13.860 --> 00:05:15.860 Imagine joining a group where you always feel 00:05:15.860 --> 00:05:18.660 like the outsider. That persistent sense of not 00:05:18.660 --> 00:05:20.879 quite fitting in can lead to chronic loneliness 00:05:20.879 --> 00:05:25.560 and self -doubt. Belonging is a need makes me 00:05:25.560 --> 00:05:27.779 think about the importance of our social groups 00:05:27.779 --> 00:05:31.480 in building someone's identity. But I also wonder, 00:05:31.839 --> 00:05:34.699 what happens when these feelings of belonging 00:05:34.699 --> 00:05:38.079 are taken away? Maybe someone loses the respect 00:05:38.079 --> 00:05:40.540 they have from a friend or from a family member 00:05:40.540 --> 00:05:43.379 they're close to, and now they face the possibility 00:05:43.379 --> 00:05:47.240 of exclusion or rejection or abandonment. But 00:05:47.240 --> 00:05:49.920 it's not just about that exclusion or rejection, 00:05:50.120 --> 00:05:53.980 is it? No, it isn't. Their entire self -concept 00:05:53.980 --> 00:05:57.139 can crumble overnight. It's not just about losing 00:05:57.139 --> 00:05:59.680 the admiration or esteem of someone else. It's 00:05:59.680 --> 00:06:02.199 about losing part of how they define themselves. 00:06:02.439 --> 00:06:05.180 It's about that positive mirror shattering into 00:06:05.180 --> 00:06:08.339 a million pieces. And once it's gone, it may 00:06:08.339 --> 00:06:13.060 never come back. It can be devastating. And I 00:06:13.060 --> 00:06:15.399 guess some relationships can develop patterns 00:06:15.399 --> 00:06:20.060 that revolve around avoiding that loss of esteem. 00:06:20.639 --> 00:06:25.509 Yes, that is true. So, can understanding these 00:06:25.509 --> 00:06:27.750 needs help explain why some conflicts escalate 00:06:27.750 --> 00:06:31.170 so quickly? Absolutely. Often, we're not arguing 00:06:31.170 --> 00:06:34.389 about the surface issue, but about what the interaction 00:06:34.389 --> 00:06:37.149 means for who we are in that environment and 00:06:37.149 --> 00:06:40.230 in that relationship. Look at social media, constantly 00:06:40.230 --> 00:06:43.589 seeking validation through views or likes. It's 00:06:43.589 --> 00:06:46.089 an attempt to fill that deep need for validation, 00:06:46.350 --> 00:06:49.480 belonging, and idealization externally. But those 00:06:49.480 --> 00:06:52.240 hits are fleeting and often leave us more hollow 00:06:52.240 --> 00:06:54.980 than before. Instead of true community, we get 00:06:54.980 --> 00:06:57.660 this illusion of connection that doesn't really 00:06:57.660 --> 00:07:00.839 supply any of the other benefits we get from 00:07:00.839 --> 00:07:03.600 face -to -face interaction. Exactly. We're trying 00:07:03.600 --> 00:07:07.040 to satisfy primal needs through digital proxies 00:07:07.040 --> 00:07:09.959 that ultimately fall short. So how do we navigate 00:07:09.959 --> 00:07:12.720 these needs better? We start with self -awareness. 00:07:12.720 --> 00:07:15.319 It's about recognizing when these needs are driving 00:07:15.319 --> 00:07:18.290 your reactions. I might say something like, Is 00:07:18.290 --> 00:07:21.550 this about feeling unseen or am I afraid of being 00:07:21.550 --> 00:07:24.769 excluded and then seeking validation from sources 00:07:24.769 --> 00:07:27.550 that don't really matter? It's not just about 00:07:27.550 --> 00:07:30.709 seeking external praise or recognition, but developing 00:07:30.709 --> 00:07:33.529 internal acceptance about who you really are. 00:07:34.790 --> 00:07:39.930 Hmm. Yeah. That's quite a shift. Moving from 00:07:39.930 --> 00:07:43.839 how can others make me feel worthy to... I choose 00:07:43.839 --> 00:07:47.139 to value my own opinions and needs regardless 00:07:47.139 --> 00:07:52.139 what others think. I need to mull over that one. 00:07:52.759 --> 00:07:56.259 But tell me, Jazz, how can we focus on quality 00:07:56.259 --> 00:07:59.879 over quantity in our social relationships? By 00:07:59.879 --> 00:08:02.360 choosing communities where you feel genuinely 00:08:02.360 --> 00:08:05.860 seen and appreciated for who you are, not just 00:08:05.860 --> 00:08:08.879 tolerated to make up the numbers. you need to 00:08:08.879 --> 00:08:11.660 find others who truly resonate with your values 00:08:11.660 --> 00:08:15.060 and goals. And how do we handle idealization? 00:08:15.240 --> 00:08:18.220 How can we look at that need differently? We're 00:08:18.220 --> 00:08:20.420 letting go of needing universal admiration from 00:08:20.420 --> 00:08:23.139 others, focusing instead on respecting yourself 00:08:23.139 --> 00:08:25.920 first. Then external validation becomes a nice 00:08:25.920 --> 00:08:28.420 bonus rather than a necessity, and you'll be 00:08:28.420 --> 00:08:31.180 less susceptible to manipulation. Huh. Easier 00:08:31.180 --> 00:08:33.120 said than done, though. Our inner critic often 00:08:33.120 --> 00:08:36.100 fights back against this mindset shift. True. 00:08:36.269 --> 00:08:38.889 That critical voice says things like, I'm not 00:08:38.889 --> 00:08:41.789 enough unless others approve. But we can learn 00:08:41.789 --> 00:08:44.570 to challenge this voice by flipping the perspective. 00:08:45.049 --> 00:08:48.570 Say to yourself, instead of I'm not enough, say, 00:08:48.789 --> 00:08:51.570 you're not enough. Who said that? Whose voice 00:08:51.570 --> 00:08:54.789 is that really? Is that my parent talking? That 00:08:54.789 --> 00:08:57.649 teacher from third grade? This engages a different 00:08:57.649 --> 00:09:00.210 part of the brain and enables us to talk back 00:09:00.210 --> 00:09:02.850 against those limiting perspectives. You ask 00:09:02.850 --> 00:09:06.409 questions like, is this really true? Do you really 00:09:06.409 --> 00:09:09.110 only have value when someone else confirms it? 00:09:09.710 --> 00:09:12.409 Exactly. It's about reclaiming your sense of 00:09:12.409 --> 00:09:14.850 worth from external sources and grounding it 00:09:14.850 --> 00:09:18.429 within yourself. And your value as a person is 00:09:18.429 --> 00:09:20.669 not based on what services you can provide to 00:09:20.669 --> 00:09:24.110 others. There is inherent value in enjoying your 00:09:24.110 --> 00:09:26.990 life and living how you see fit. Just be honest 00:09:26.990 --> 00:09:29.629 enough to express what you want and need. For 00:09:29.629 --> 00:09:31.490 listeners feeling triggered right now, I want 00:09:31.490 --> 00:09:33.940 you to know that these needs are universal. You're 00:09:33.940 --> 00:09:36.100 not broken because you're craving validation, 00:09:36.659 --> 00:09:39.500 belonging, and to be respected. But understanding 00:09:39.500 --> 00:09:42.019 these needs gives you the power not to eliminate 00:09:42.019 --> 00:09:45.039 all emotional pain entirely, but to respond with 00:09:45.039 --> 00:09:47.899 more compassion toward yourself and others. Think 00:09:47.899 --> 00:09:51.259 of it as emotional literacy, recognizing what's 00:09:51.259 --> 00:09:53.799 really at play when your buttons get pushed. 00:09:53.879 --> 00:09:56.340 It's often not what the other people are doing 00:09:56.340 --> 00:09:58.700 that drives those feelings of anger or shame 00:09:58.700 --> 00:10:02.000 or helplessness, but it's because your needs 00:10:02.000 --> 00:10:05.759 for validation, belonging, or idealization are 00:10:05.759 --> 00:10:08.220 being frustrated. So next time someone dismisses 00:10:08.220 --> 00:10:09.960 your feelings or you feel like an outsider, you 00:10:09.960 --> 00:10:12.039 can pause, acknowledge the underlying need that 00:10:12.039 --> 00:10:13.679 these strong feelings are coming from, and choose 00:10:13.679 --> 00:10:15.940 how to respond rather than get upset and hurt 00:10:15.940 --> 00:10:18.019 or try and strike back. It's really just your 00:10:18.019 --> 00:10:19.940 identity needs triggering those strong emotions. 00:10:19.960 --> 00:10:21.840 And that requires a completely different solution 00:10:21.840 --> 00:10:24.039 than getting upset or overwhelmed. It requires 00:10:24.039 --> 00:10:25.659 you to look at what you might need in the moment. 00:10:25.679 --> 00:10:27.399 And what you really need to do is let the other 00:10:27.399 --> 00:10:29.600 person be themselves. But you're putting a boundary 00:10:29.600 --> 00:10:32.000 in place that lets you be you, that stops your 00:10:32.000 --> 00:10:33.899 values from being contaminated. It really is 00:10:33.899 --> 00:10:36.379 that simple. You don't have to absorb other people's 00:10:36.379 --> 00:10:38.179 values or emotions, but you don't have to force 00:10:38.179 --> 00:10:40.120 yours onto them either. You don't need someone 00:10:40.120 --> 00:10:41.779 else to accept your perspective in order for 00:10:41.779 --> 00:10:43.840 it to be valid. It's still valid because it's 00:10:43.840 --> 00:10:45.379 your personal perspective from your personal 00:10:45.379 --> 00:10:48.779 set of values. Exactly. This is how we build 00:10:48.779 --> 00:10:51.399 emotional resilience, the ability to honor our 00:10:51.399 --> 00:10:53.960 needs without letting them control us. Well said, 00:10:54.139 --> 00:10:56.220 Jillian. Thanks for opening up this deep dive 00:10:56.220 --> 00:10:58.220 into our identity needs. There's so much going 00:10:58.220 --> 00:11:00.120 on down there that most people don't even consider. 00:11:00.179 --> 00:11:03.419 But once we see it, we can't unsee it. And honestly, 00:11:03.759 --> 00:11:06.120 this perspective, this granularity, it can be 00:11:06.120 --> 00:11:08.759 so helpful in lowering our emotional baseline. 00:11:09.179 --> 00:11:11.279 It can help us to remain calm through all sorts 00:11:11.279 --> 00:11:14.190 of interactions. It also frees us from those 00:11:14.190 --> 00:11:17.309 patterns and loops that keep us stuck. Well, 00:11:17.350 --> 00:11:19.169 here we are at the end of the show. A big thank 00:11:19.169 --> 00:11:21.509 you, Jazz, for helping us to explore our identity 00:11:21.509 --> 00:11:24.210 needs. It's always a pleasure exploring emotional 00:11:24.210 --> 00:11:27.190 bites with you. I've enjoyed being here. Thanks, 00:11:27.350 --> 00:11:30.269 Jillian. Until we speak next time, be gentle 00:11:30.269 --> 00:11:32.730 with yourselves and each other and stay curious 00:11:32.730 --> 00:11:35.590 about the emotional world within us and between 00:11:35.590 --> 00:11:36.029 us.