This is Emotional Bites. It's where we unpack
the complex tapestry of human experience. I'm
Jillian Rodgers, your host for today. Welcome
to the show. We've got a very special guest today,
Jasmine Dola, to continue our series on human
needs. In this episode, we're looking at our
identity needs. These are those reflections and
thoughts that tell us who we are. Hi, Gillian.
It's lovely to be here. Thanks for having me.
So I guess our first question is what identity
needs actually are and how do we know about them?
In the emotional bites framework, there are four
domains of needs that influence our thoughts,
emotions, and behavior. These needs are psychological
needs, emotional needs, relational needs, and
of course the identity needs that we are discussing
today. So the three things that people need to
experience to keep their sense of identity stable
are validation, belonging, and idealization.
There's a psychological bedrock shaping our deepest
emotional responses. Thanks, Jas. These aren't
just surface -level desires. Our identity needs
create our strongest emotional drives, precisely
because they're so deeply ingrained into our
psyche. Right. But why do you think these needs
hit us so hard compared to physical ones like
hunger or tiredness? I think it's because these
needs touch on who we believe ourselves to be
at the core. A threat to our identity feels the
same as a threat to our physical being. It's
existential, I guess. But where do we start with
this? Let's start with validation. What is it,
I hear you ask? It's the need to feel seen and
accepted for our authentic selves without having
to pretend. It's when someone mirrors back or
affirms how we want to be seen. Is that like
when someone truly hears your perspective or
acknowledges your efforts? Yeah, exactly. And
the absence of validation can trigger profound
emotional pain. Not just disappointment, but
a sense of, I don't matter. I'm inconsequential.
It's about more than getting praise as a child.
It's about confirming your worthiness to construct
your own identity and exist as you are. Yeah,
that resonates. I think about how when someone
brushes off my concerns, it can make me question
whether they understand who I am at all. Precisely.
A person's identity takes a direct hit when others
don't mirror back who they need to be seen as.
It creates a kind of dissonance. It can be quite
jarring to the psyche. Now, what about belonging?
This in some way feels even more primal. Absolutely.
It's about feeling connected to something larger
than ourselves. It's like we have a tribe that
accepts us unconditionally. Evolutionarily speaking,
it makes sense. Our ancestors needed group cohesion
for survival. So when we feel excluded or on
the periphery, it activates that ancient fear
of abandonment, the anxiety of being left vulnerable
and alone, exposed even. This also brings up
the subject of attachment patterns. Some people
are much more sensitive to threats because their
early bonds were insecure and they didn't develop
that strong internal mechanism they can rely
on to feel safe in who they are, whatever the
situation. It can also make them very susceptible
to being overwhelmed or manipulated by others.
Great point. Someone with an anxious attachment
style might react strongly to even the slightest
hint of rejection, constantly seeking reassurance.
And for those with avoidant tendencies, they
might push away connections before they can feel
truly seen or be known. They might feel like
they're protecting themselves from potential
hurt, but they can often end up alone or isolated.
What we find is that early attachment patterns
are like a primer for how we handle threats to
our needs for validation and belonging. So let's
move to idealization. This is so much more subtle,
but no less important. This is the need people
have to be admired or respected by significant
others and to have people in your life that you
look up to. This one feels complex emotionally.
It's like needing external confirmation of your
value and having someone who gives you permission
or represents who you want to be. It's why criticism
from someone you look up to can be devastating.
That's your mirror being shattered. But there's
a catch. It often leads to performance -based
relationships rather than authentic connection.
This is because we're trying to maintain an idealized
image rather than being truly seen. Yeah, when
we idealize another person or partner, we're
essentially forcing them into a role that they
feel like they need to maintain in order for
the relationship to work. And the pressure to
conform to roles, rules, and expectations can
be immense. So these needs aren't just about
comfort, they're about protecting ourselves.
When they're met, we feel emotionally secure.
When our identity needs are frustrated, that's
when we see the strongest reactions, anger, sadness,
anxiety. Let me ask you, if you share something
vulnerable and it's ignored or dismissed, what
does that feel like? Now, what about belonging?
Imagine joining a group where you always feel
like the outsider. That persistent sense of not
quite fitting in can lead to chronic loneliness
and self -doubt. Belonging is a need makes me
think about the importance of our social groups
in building someone's identity. But I also wonder,
what happens when these feelings of belonging
are taken away? Maybe someone loses the respect
they have from a friend or from a family member
they're close to, and now they face the possibility
of exclusion or rejection or abandonment. But
it's not just about that exclusion or rejection,
is it? No, it isn't. Their entire self -concept
can crumble overnight. It's not just about losing
the admiration or esteem of someone else. It's
about losing part of how they define themselves.
It's about that positive mirror shattering into
a million pieces. And once it's gone, it may
never come back. It can be devastating. And I
guess some relationships can develop patterns
that revolve around avoiding that loss of esteem.
Yes, that is true. So, can understanding these
needs help explain why some conflicts escalate
so quickly? Absolutely. Often, we're not arguing
about the surface issue, but about what the interaction
means for who we are in that environment and
in that relationship. Look at social media, constantly
seeking validation through views or likes. It's
an attempt to fill that deep need for validation,
belonging, and idealization externally. But those
hits are fleeting and often leave us more hollow
than before. Instead of true community, we get
this illusion of connection that doesn't really
supply any of the other benefits we get from
face -to -face interaction. Exactly. We're trying
to satisfy primal needs through digital proxies
that ultimately fall short. So how do we navigate
these needs better? We start with self -awareness.
It's about recognizing when these needs are driving
your reactions. I might say something like, Is
this about feeling unseen or am I afraid of being
excluded and then seeking validation from sources
that don't really matter? It's not just about
seeking external praise or recognition, but developing
internal acceptance about who you really are.
Hmm. Yeah. That's quite a shift. Moving from
how can others make me feel worthy to... I choose
to value my own opinions and needs regardless
what others think. I need to mull over that one.
But tell me, Jazz, how can we focus on quality
over quantity in our social relationships? By
choosing communities where you feel genuinely
seen and appreciated for who you are, not just
tolerated to make up the numbers. you need to
find others who truly resonate with your values
and goals. And how do we handle idealization?
How can we look at that need differently? We're
letting go of needing universal admiration from
others, focusing instead on respecting yourself
first. Then external validation becomes a nice
bonus rather than a necessity, and you'll be
less susceptible to manipulation. Huh. Easier
said than done, though. Our inner critic often
fights back against this mindset shift. True.
That critical voice says things like, I'm not
enough unless others approve. But we can learn
to challenge this voice by flipping the perspective.
Say to yourself, instead of I'm not enough, say,
you're not enough. Who said that? Whose voice
is that really? Is that my parent talking? That
teacher from third grade? This engages a different
part of the brain and enables us to talk back
against those limiting perspectives. You ask
questions like, is this really true? Do you really
only have value when someone else confirms it?
Exactly. It's about reclaiming your sense of
worth from external sources and grounding it
within yourself. And your value as a person is
not based on what services you can provide to
others. There is inherent value in enjoying your
life and living how you see fit. Just be honest
enough to express what you want and need. For
listeners feeling triggered right now, I want
you to know that these needs are universal. You're
not broken because you're craving validation,
belonging, and to be respected. But understanding
these needs gives you the power not to eliminate
all emotional pain entirely, but to respond with
more compassion toward yourself and others. Think
of it as emotional literacy, recognizing what's
really at play when your buttons get pushed.
It's often not what the other people are doing
that drives those feelings of anger or shame
or helplessness, but it's because your needs
for validation, belonging, or idealization are
being frustrated. So next time someone dismisses
your feelings or you feel like an outsider, you
can pause, acknowledge the underlying need that
these strong feelings are coming from, and choose
how to respond rather than get upset and hurt
or try and strike back. It's really just your
identity needs triggering those strong emotions.
And that requires a completely different solution
than getting upset or overwhelmed. It requires
you to look at what you might need in the moment.
And what you really need to do is let the other
person be themselves. But you're putting a boundary
in place that lets you be you, that stops your
values from being contaminated. It really is
that simple. You don't have to absorb other people's
values or emotions, but you don't have to force
yours onto them either. You don't need someone
else to accept your perspective in order for
it to be valid. It's still valid because it's
your personal perspective from your personal
set of values. Exactly. This is how we build
emotional resilience, the ability to honor our
needs without letting them control us. Well said,
Jillian. Thanks for opening up this deep dive
into our identity needs. There's so much going
on down there that most people don't even consider.
But once we see it, we can't unsee it. And honestly,
this perspective, this granularity, it can be
so helpful in lowering our emotional baseline.
It can help us to remain calm through all sorts
of interactions. It also frees us from those
patterns and loops that keep us stuck. Well,
here we are at the end of the show. A big thank
you, Jazz, for helping us to explore our identity
needs. It's always a pleasure exploring emotional
bites with you. I've enjoyed being here. Thanks,
Jillian. Until we speak next time, be gentle
with yourselves and each other and stay curious
about the emotional world within us and between
us.