Emotional bites, serving up respect, no substitutions.
["Servant Love"]
Hey everyone and welcome back for another Deep Dive with us.
Today we're gonna be looking at something
that I think is probably pretty familiar to pretty much all of us.
And that's family dynamics.
But we're gonna be looking specifically at how respect, power and punishment,
all kind of intertwine.
We've got some fascinating academic papers and guides
that are gonna help us unpack all of this.
You know what's really interesting about this to me
is that we hear a lot about this idea that parents just automatically deserve respect.
Simply because they're the parents.
But like the sources that we're looking at today really challenge that whole notion.
The sources are kind of suggesting that respect is something that you earn
more than something that you demand.
It's about how you actually treat other people,
how you communicate with them and whether you acknowledge their needs and feelings.
Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.
I mean, if you think about it, you're much more likely to respect someone who listens to you,
who takes your perspective into account and who treats you fairly rather than someone who's just like...
Forcing you to do things because they said so.
Exactly.
And this becomes even more relevant when we think about
how power dynamics shift in families as kids get older.
It's not a static system.
Like when you're a little kid, your parents have all the power like...
They make all the decisions.
They decide what you're going to eat when you go to bed, what you wear.
Yeah.
But as you get older, you start to crave more of that independence.
Yes.
And you want to have more of a say in your own life.
And that's where things can get tricky if parents are stuck in that mindset of,
I'm the parent.
So you just automatically...
You have to respect me.
Have to respect me.
Because I am the parent.
Yeah, because if you're demanding that respect, but you're not giving it in return...
It's going to lead to resentment.
Oh yeah, 100%.
Yeah.
I remember when I was the teenager, my mom would get so frustrated with me.
Yeah.
And she'd say things like, why don't you respect me?
I'm your mother.
Oh yeah.
But honestly, it just made me pull away even more.
Yes.
Like...
And dig your heels in more.
So that's a classic example of how like demanding that respect can actually completely undermine it.
Undermine the whole thing.
The more you try to force it.
The more resistance you're going to get.
It just makes sense.
Yeah.
So how can parents kind of navigate this shift in power dynamics in a way that actually fosters mutual respect?
Right.
Well, they talk about this idea of an interdependence structure, which is basically just this idea of
recognizing that everyone in the family contributes in different ways.
So it's not just like...
It's not about one person holding all the cards.
One person being the boss.
Exactly.
It's more like you're all on the same team.
Yeah.
And you all have different roles to play.
Okay.
But the team as a whole needs to function.
Right.
So you've got to figure out how to make that work.
How to make it all work together.
Yeah.
And how to kind of respect each other's roles in that.
Yeah.
It's kind of like, if you think about it, a family is kind of like a band.
Oh, I like that.
You've got like the lead singer.
Okay, yeah.
The drummer.
The bassist.
The guitarist.
Everybody has their own...
Their own specific part.
Hard to play.
Yeah.
But they need to work together.
To create the music.
Beautiful.
Yeah, exactly.
And in a healthy family.
Right.
It's kind of like in a really good band where everyone feels heard, respected and valued.
Yes.
And appreciated for their unique contribution.
For what they bring to the table.
Yeah.
That makes a lot of sense.
Yeah.
And that brings us to like this whole question of punishment.
Okay.
And how that can impact respect in families.
Punishment.
A loaded word.
Yeah.
We all have kind of different experiences and associations with it.
For sure.
And the sources that we were looking at today are suggesting that punishment.
Okay.
Especially when it's used as a way to control or demand respect can actually be counterproductive.
So you're saying that it doesn't actually work?
Pretty much.
Yeah.
Instead of like fostering genuine respect.
Yeah.
It can often lead to resentment, fear and just like a breakdown of trust.
Yeah.
Like if you think about it, if you're being punished.
Right.
For not showing enough respect, are you really going to learn to respect the person that's
punishing you?
Probably not.
Or are you just going to become more resentful and rebellious?
Yeah.
Especially if you don't understand why you're being punished in the first place.
Yeah.
Exactly.
Like if someone's just saying like, oh, you're grounded because you were disrespectful.
Yeah.
But you don't actually know what you did.
And you don't know how to fix it.
Yeah.
So it's like how are you supposed to learn from that?
That's where communication and understanding come into play.
Absolutely.
Like if parents are going to use punishment.
Yes.
It needs to be done in a way that the child understands.
Right.
What they did and how to actually make it better.
Yeah.
Make amends.
Yeah.
Right.
So it's more about teaching.
It should be about teaching and guiding rather than just like laying down the law.
Yeah.
Right.
So here's something I've always kind of wondered about.
Okay.
What about that idea that parents need to maintain a certain level of authority?
Okay.
Does letting go of punishment completely just undermine that?
Well, I'm in the sources are saying that there's a difference between authority.
Okay.
And authoritarianism.
Okay.
Like true authority comes from respect and trust.
Okay.
Not from fear and punishment.
So it's like being a leader.
Yes.
As opposed to being a dictator.
Exactly.
It's about setting clear boundaries and expectations.
While also giving kids the space to make their own choices and learn from their experiences.
But you're guiding them.
You're guiding them.
Not controlling them.
One thing that really struck me in these sources is the idea that punitive actions can actually be seen as disrespectful.
It makes sense.
Punishment often comes from a place of power and control which can feel devaluing to the person on the receiving end.
Gotcha.
But what happens if they really cross the line?
Okay.
What if they do something that is truly disrespectful or harmful?
Right.
That's where things can get really tricky.
Yeah.
And honestly there's no easy answer.
Because every family and every situation is different.
So there's no one size fits all approach?
Not really.
But the sources do suggest that even in those like really difficult situations,
it's important to remember that the goal is to try and restore respect and connection.
Okay.
Not to just inflict punishment or pain.
So even when you're disciplining your child, you're still coming from a place of love and respect.
Ideally, yes.
It's not about winning a battle.
Oh.
Or proving a point.
Gotcha.
It's about helping your child to understand like the consequences of their actions.
Okay.
And how to make better choices in the future.
That's a really powerful message.
It is.
It's not always easy to stay calm.
And loving when your kid is like.
Especially in the heat of the moment.
Yeah.
Pushing your buttons.
Yes.
But it sounds like ultimately that's the most effective approach.
It does take practice and patience though.
For sure.
And you know sometimes you need to take a step back and cool down.
Yeah.
And come back to the situation later.
100%.
And you know what?
Yeah.
This whole conversation we're having about punishment and respect.
Uh-huh.
It's making me think about the bigger picture of family dynamics.
Okay.
Like it's not just about parents and kids.
No, it's not.
It's about how everyone in the family interacts with each other.
Right.
It respects each other.
And how they do.
Like the sources actually touch on this.
Okay.
They say that respect within families is a reflection of how we view respect in the wider world.
That's interesting.
Yeah. It's about recognizing that inherent dignity and worth of every individual.
Right.
Regardless of their age, their position, their behavior.
This is not just about saying please and thank you.
It's about creating this whole culture of empathy and compassion and understanding.
Exactly.
It's about treating each other with kindness and consideration.
Yeah.
Even when we disagree.
Even when we mess up.
Or make mistakes.
Yeah, for sure.
Wow. That's a powerful thought.
It is.
So how do we put all this into practice?
Right.
How do we actually create that family culture where respect is earned and not demanded?
Yeah.
And where punishment is used sparingly and thoughtfully?
Well, the sources highlight a few key strategies.
And I think one of the most important ones is open communication.
Okay.
And I don't just mean like talking at each other.
I mean actually listening.
Yeah.
With the intention to understand, not just to respond.
Yeah. That's tough.
It is tough.
It's so easy to just get caught up in your own head like thinking about what am I going to say next
instead of actually taking the time to hear what the other person is saying.
And sometimes you don't even realize you're doing it.
Yeah.
You know?
Totally.
But it takes a real conscious effort to kind of quiet those voices.
Yeah.
And really focus on the other person's words, their tone, their body language.
Yeah.
Like all those subtle cues that give us a deeper understanding of what they're feeling and why.
So it's like being an active listener.
Like being really present in that conversation.
Absolutely.
And it's about creating that safe space where everyone feels comfortable expressing themselves.
Okay.
Without fear of judgment or interruption.
Yeah. I mean if you're always feeling like you're getting shut down.
Yeah.
Or criticized, you're probably not going to want to share your thoughts and feelings.
Exactly. You're going to get defensive.
Right.
And the communication just breaks down.
Okay. So open communication is key.
Yes.
What else?
So another important strategy is understanding motivations.
Right.
And we kind of touched on this earlier.
Right.
But it's about going beyond just like the surface behavior.
Okay.
Trying to figure out like what are the underlying needs and emotions that are driving that.
So instead of just reacting to like your kids slamming the door.
Right.
You try and figure out like okay what's actually going on that's making them so upset.
Exactly. Like is it something that happened at school?
Is it a conflict with a friend?
Are they just feeling overwhelmed?
Do they need a little bit of space?
Yeah.
And by taking that time to figure out what's going on.
Okay.
You can respond in a way that's just way more empathetic and effective.
So even when a kid's behavior is really tough, we should still try and see like the human being behind it.
Absolutely. And remember like sometimes the most disrespectful behaviors are actually just cries for help.
Okay. That's a good point.
Yeah. And you know that actually brings us to another point from the sources about acknowledging each other's autonomy.
Especially as kids get older, they really need to feel like they have some control over their own lives.
So it's about giving them choices and respecting those choices.
Yes. Even if you don't agree with them.
Even if you don't agree.
It's about letting go of that need to control everything and trusting that they are capable of making their own decisions.
I feel like that's so hard for so many parents.
It is.
Like that I know what's best for you.
Yeah. That I know best mentality.
Yeah.
But actually like giving kids age-appropriate autonomy.
Okay.
Foster's responsibility and helps them develop into more confident and self-reliant people.
So it's like teaching someone to ride a bike. You can hold onto the seat for a little while.
Exactly.
But eventually you have to.
You got to let go.
Let go.
And let them find their balance.
Exactly.
And then finally the sources talk about focusing on strengths.
Okay.
So easy to get caught up in what people are doing wrong.
So instead of constantly pointing out what your kid needs to improve on, you're trying to catch them doing something right.
Exactly. Catch them being good.
Yeah.
And make a big deal out of it.
This has been such an insightful deep dive.
Agree.
We've learned that respect is earned, not demanded.
Yes.
And that punishment, while sometimes necessary, should be used sparingly and with focus on teaching and guiding.
Mm-hmm.
And we've explored some really practical strategies.
Yeah.
For building a culture of respect in our families.
Absolutely.
Open communication, understanding motivations, acknowledging autonomy, and focusing on strengths.
Mm-hmm.
Any final words of wisdom?
Well, if I could just leave you with one key takeaway, it would be this building a culture of respect in your family is an ongoing process.
There will be ups and downs, there will be moments of frustration.
For sure.
And times when you feel like you're taking one step forward and two steps back.
But the most important thing is to just keep those lines of communication open.
Okay.
To keep learning and growing together and to never give up on the power of respect.
Because at the end of the day, family is the one constant in our lives.
It's the place where we learn and grow, where we find love and support.
And where we develop the skills and values that will shape us for a lifetime.
Beautifully said and stay curious about the ever evolving dance of family dynamics.