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Emotional bites talking about the things that no one talks about

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And today we're tackling a topic that's

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simultaneously universally experienced and

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wildly misunderstood

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Genuine love right not the hearts and flowers rom-com kind of love

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But the real deal the kind that can last a lifetime, but it's so often overshadowed by I don't know fleeting infatuation

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Hmm, what do you think? I think it's fascinating how we're bombarded with all of these cultural narratives that

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romanticize these

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intense almost obsessive feelings of limerence

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And we often mistake that for genuine love, but you know the sources that we have here today

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Really suggests that there's a whole other dimension to love that goes way beyond those initial fireworks

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You know, it's funny

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I used to think that limerence was just a fancy word for having a major crush right but these sources really dig into the psychology behind it

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Like one city we have here found that limerence typically fades after 18 months. Yeah

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What genuine love has the potential to deepen over decades?

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So what is the difference? Well one key difference is that genuine love is rooted in action

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It's not just a feeling you passively experience. It's something you actively do. Okay, think about kindness

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generosity respect

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even sexual responsiveness

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the sources

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emphasize love as an attitude a

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Consistent orientation of care and respect towards another person, right? I mean it makes you wonder

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Can you really love someone? Mm-hmm without

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Consistently acting in ways that reflect that love

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That's a great question and it leads us to this really interesting distinction that the sources make between, you know

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genuine love and limerence

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While both can involve intense feelings

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Limerence is often fueled by idealization and projection

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You know, we put the other person on a pedestal. We see them through rose colored glasses

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Often overlooking their flaws or even projecting qualities onto them that might not actually exist

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It's like we're creating this fantasy version of them in our minds and then falling in love with that fantasy

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Yeah, instead of the real person. No wonder those relationships tend to fizzle out exactly

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It's like trying to build a house on a foundation of cotton candy. It's just not gonna last right and the sources point out that

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Limerence often stems from unmet needs and desires from our past, you know

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We might be unconsciously seeking a partner who fulfills a particular role or fits a familiar pattern

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Rather than choosing someone based on, you know, genuine compatibility and shared values

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But if genuine love isn't about this idealized fantasy, how do we cultivate it?

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Yeah, what does it actually take to build a love that can last?

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Well, the sources suggest that it starts with a deep understanding of ourselves and our own, you know, emotional baggage

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Okay, we need to confront those self-limiting defenses those inner voices that tell us we're not worthy of love or that we're gonna get hurt

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Oh that inner critic

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It's constantly trying to sabotage our happiness whispering all these negative thoughts in our ear, right?

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But the sources seem to suggest that we can actually learn to challenge those thoughts and develop a more loving and accepting relationship with ourselves

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Absolutely, it's about recognizing that those critical inner voices are just thoughts not facts

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Yeah, and that we have the power to choose which thoughts we want to believe and which ones we want to let go of

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So it's like we need to become our own best friend

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Offering ourselves the same kindness and compassion that we would offer to someone we love

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But how does that actually play out in our relationships? How do we go from self-love to genuine love with another person?

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It's about developing a strong sense of self

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Knowing your own needs and emotions

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Separate from your partners. So it's not about becoming this perfectly matched

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Two peas in a pod kind of couple, right, but rather two whole individuals who choose to come together

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respecting each other's boundaries and

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Individuality exactly imagine it like this you and your partner are two distinct circles partially overlapping

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Okay, but with clear boundaries

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Differentiation is about maintaining those boundaries allowing you to connect deeply without losing yourself in the relationship

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Okay, that visual really helps, but let's get real. How do we actually do that?

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Yeah, especially when those lines can get so blurry, you know like when your partner is having a bad day and their

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Negativity starts to rub off on you, right? How do you stay grounded in your own experience without becoming emotionally enmeshed?

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So if your partner is having a bad day

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You can offer support without taking on their negativity as your own you can acknowledge their feelings without letting them dictate your own emotional state

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Right, so it's about being there for them without getting sucked into their emotional vortex

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Mm-hmm. It's like being a supportive friend who can offer a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on yeah

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But also knows how to maintain their own emotional equilibrium precisely

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When we can show up as our authentic selves without the need to please or merge with our partner

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We create space for a deeper more fulfilling connection that makes so much sense

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It's like if you're constantly trying to mold yourself into what you think your partner wants

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You're never really showing them your true self right and then the relationship becomes this performance rather than a genuine exchange

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Exactly and the sources highlight how this often ties back to that idea of the fantasy bond

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We might unconsciously choose partners who fit a familiar pattern from our past

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Okay, even if that pattern isn't healthy or conducive to genuine love

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It's like we're attracted to a certain type right even if that type has repeatedly let us down in the past right

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It's almost like we're addicted to the drama because it's safer than facing the unknown or true intimacy

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Mm-hmm like it's easier to stay in our comfort zone even if that comfort zone is filled with dysfunction and drama

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But if we're not supposed to fall back on these familiar patterns

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How do we know if we're genuinely connecting with someone or just projecting our own needs and desires on to them?

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That's a great question one way to differentiate between genuine connection and projection is to pay attention to how the relationship makes you feel

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It's important to notice those feelings and to ask yourself why you're experiencing them

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Are they rooted in something real about the relationship or are they stemming from your own insecurities or past experiences?

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That's deep, but what if those feelings are a mix of both?

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Yeah, what if you're genuinely attracted to someone but also noticing some red flags or patterns that are making you uneasy

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That's where things can get really tricky

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And it's why the sources emphasize the importance of self-awareness and the ability to differentiate between your own needs and emotions and those of your partner

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So it's not about ignoring those red flags or pretending that they don't exist

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But rather about acknowledging them and trying to understand where they're coming from

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Like is this something I need to

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Address within myself or is it a legitimate concern about the compatibility of the relationship?

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Exactly and sometimes the answer might be both

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It's about being honest with yourself about what you're feeling and what you need

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While also being open to feedback and communication from your partner

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Okay, it sounds like building genuine love requires a lot of emotional intelligence and maturity

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But how do we actually find someone who's on that same wavelength?

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Who's also committed to doing the inner work and showing up authentically in the relationship?

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Well, one of the sources had this powerful quote that really resonated with me in a friendship

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Individuals act out of choice whereas in a fantasy bond they act out of obligation or attempt to manipulate the other person

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This really highlights the difference between genuine connection and just trying to force something that isn't there. Whoa, that's a mic drop moment right there

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Yeah, it's like true love is a choice not a need

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It's about two people coming together freely and willingly not out of a sense of obligation or desperation

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Exactly this choice is often based on a deep sense of alignment in values goals and life paths

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So it's not just about finding someone who's fun to be around or who checks off all the boxes on your dating profile

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Right, but rather about finding someone who shares your vision for the future and who supports your journey of growth and evolution

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Precisely and that kind of alignment takes time and effort to cultivate

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Mm-hmm it requires open communication a willingness to be vulnerable and a commitment to working through challenges together

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It's through navigating those challenges together that we deepen our connection and create a love that can truly withstand the test of time

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All right, so we've established that genuine love requires a solid sense of self

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clear boundaries and a willingness to choose partners based on reality not fantasy

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But how does idealization fit into all of this? Mm-hmm?

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Isn't a little bit of idealization. I don't know normal even healthy in a relationship in the early stages of a relationship

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A bit of idealization can be exciting

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It's that spark of attraction the feeling that this person is special maybe even perfect

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It can feel passion and create that initial sense of connection

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But the source is caution that idealization can become problematic when it's based on projection rather than reality

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So it's like we're falling in love with an image we've created in our minds rather than the actual person standing in front of us

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And that can end well, right? It rarely does idealization often stems from unmet needs and desires from our past

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We might unconsciously project those needs onto our partner hoping they'll fill a void that only we can fill

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So it's like we're expecting our partner to be our therapist our best friend our parent all rolled into one, right?

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Talk about pressure. I know no wonder so many relationships end up feeling like suffocating precisely when those idealized

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expectations inevitably clash with reality

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Disappointment and disillusionment set in the sources suggest that this can lead to a cycle of seeking out partners who fit a particular mold

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Only to be repeatedly let down when they fail to live up to our fantasies

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It's like we're stuck in a rom-com loop chasing after that fairytale ending, but never quite finding it

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But if idealization is ultimately a recipe for disappointment

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How do we shift our perspective and start seeing our partners and ourselves with more clarity and acceptance?

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The first step is to become aware of our own patterns of idealization

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Okay, to ask ourselves what qualities am I drawn to in a partner?

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What needs or desires am I hoping they'll fulfill?

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Where might those patterns be rooted in my past experiences and is this idealized image based on reality or on a fantasy?

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I've created in my mind and if it's a fantasy

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Are we willing to let it go?

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To embrace the messy imperfect reality of genuine connection

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Even if it doesn't fit the fairytale narrative we've been sold exactly and that's where the sources suggest that self-love plays a crucial role

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Okay, the more we accept and embrace ourselves flaws and all the less we need to project

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Idealized images onto others. It's like that saying you can't love someone else until you love yourself, right?

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But it's more than just a cheesy quote. It's like a deep psychological truth. Absolutely as we cultivate self-love and acceptance

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We become more capable of extending that same grace and understanding to our partners

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We can see them as whole complex individuals rather than trying to fit them into a predetermined mold

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This has been such an insightful deep dive. I feel like I've gained a whole new understanding of what it truly means to love and be loved

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It's been a pleasure exploring these concepts with you and I hope our listeners feeling empowered to approach their own relationships with greater

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awareness

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intention and a healthy dose of self-love

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Absolutely keep asking those tough questions and who knows maybe you'll come up with the next tagline that makes everyone want to hit subscribe

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Okay, how about this one stay curious about happily ever after is just a cliche and that real relationships are messy

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complicated but also kind of awesome