Emotional bites talking about the things that no one talks about
And today we're tackling a topic that's
simultaneously universally experienced and
wildly misunderstood
Genuine love right not the hearts and flowers rom-com kind of love
But the real deal the kind that can last a lifetime, but it's so often overshadowed by I don't know fleeting infatuation
Hmm, what do you think? I think it's fascinating how we're bombarded with all of these cultural narratives that
romanticize these
intense almost obsessive feelings of limerence
And we often mistake that for genuine love, but you know the sources that we have here today
Really suggests that there's a whole other dimension to love that goes way beyond those initial fireworks
You know, it's funny
I used to think that limerence was just a fancy word for having a major crush right but these sources really dig into the psychology behind it
Like one city we have here found that limerence typically fades after 18 months. Yeah
What genuine love has the potential to deepen over decades?
So what is the difference? Well one key difference is that genuine love is rooted in action
It's not just a feeling you passively experience. It's something you actively do. Okay, think about kindness
generosity respect
even sexual responsiveness
the sources
emphasize love as an attitude a
Consistent orientation of care and respect towards another person, right? I mean it makes you wonder
Can you really love someone? Mm-hmm without
Consistently acting in ways that reflect that love
That's a great question and it leads us to this really interesting distinction that the sources make between, you know
genuine love and limerence
While both can involve intense feelings
Limerence is often fueled by idealization and projection
You know, we put the other person on a pedestal. We see them through rose colored glasses
Often overlooking their flaws or even projecting qualities onto them that might not actually exist
It's like we're creating this fantasy version of them in our minds and then falling in love with that fantasy
Yeah, instead of the real person. No wonder those relationships tend to fizzle out exactly
It's like trying to build a house on a foundation of cotton candy. It's just not gonna last right and the sources point out that
Limerence often stems from unmet needs and desires from our past, you know
We might be unconsciously seeking a partner who fulfills a particular role or fits a familiar pattern
Rather than choosing someone based on, you know, genuine compatibility and shared values
But if genuine love isn't about this idealized fantasy, how do we cultivate it?
Yeah, what does it actually take to build a love that can last?
Well, the sources suggest that it starts with a deep understanding of ourselves and our own, you know, emotional baggage
Okay, we need to confront those self-limiting defenses those inner voices that tell us we're not worthy of love or that we're gonna get hurt
Oh that inner critic
It's constantly trying to sabotage our happiness whispering all these negative thoughts in our ear, right?
But the sources seem to suggest that we can actually learn to challenge those thoughts and develop a more loving and accepting relationship with ourselves
Absolutely, it's about recognizing that those critical inner voices are just thoughts not facts
Yeah, and that we have the power to choose which thoughts we want to believe and which ones we want to let go of
So it's like we need to become our own best friend
Offering ourselves the same kindness and compassion that we would offer to someone we love
But how does that actually play out in our relationships? How do we go from self-love to genuine love with another person?
It's about developing a strong sense of self
Knowing your own needs and emotions
Separate from your partners. So it's not about becoming this perfectly matched
Two peas in a pod kind of couple, right, but rather two whole individuals who choose to come together
respecting each other's boundaries and
Individuality exactly imagine it like this you and your partner are two distinct circles partially overlapping
Okay, but with clear boundaries
Differentiation is about maintaining those boundaries allowing you to connect deeply without losing yourself in the relationship
Okay, that visual really helps, but let's get real. How do we actually do that?
Yeah, especially when those lines can get so blurry, you know like when your partner is having a bad day and their
Negativity starts to rub off on you, right? How do you stay grounded in your own experience without becoming emotionally enmeshed?
So if your partner is having a bad day
You can offer support without taking on their negativity as your own you can acknowledge their feelings without letting them dictate your own emotional state
Right, so it's about being there for them without getting sucked into their emotional vortex
Mm-hmm. It's like being a supportive friend who can offer a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on yeah
But also knows how to maintain their own emotional equilibrium precisely
When we can show up as our authentic selves without the need to please or merge with our partner
We create space for a deeper more fulfilling connection that makes so much sense
It's like if you're constantly trying to mold yourself into what you think your partner wants
You're never really showing them your true self right and then the relationship becomes this performance rather than a genuine exchange
Exactly and the sources highlight how this often ties back to that idea of the fantasy bond
We might unconsciously choose partners who fit a familiar pattern from our past
Okay, even if that pattern isn't healthy or conducive to genuine love
It's like we're attracted to a certain type right even if that type has repeatedly let us down in the past right
It's almost like we're addicted to the drama because it's safer than facing the unknown or true intimacy
Mm-hmm like it's easier to stay in our comfort zone even if that comfort zone is filled with dysfunction and drama
But if we're not supposed to fall back on these familiar patterns
How do we know if we're genuinely connecting with someone or just projecting our own needs and desires on to them?
That's a great question one way to differentiate between genuine connection and projection is to pay attention to how the relationship makes you feel
It's important to notice those feelings and to ask yourself why you're experiencing them
Are they rooted in something real about the relationship or are they stemming from your own insecurities or past experiences?
That's deep, but what if those feelings are a mix of both?
Yeah, what if you're genuinely attracted to someone but also noticing some red flags or patterns that are making you uneasy
That's where things can get really tricky
And it's why the sources emphasize the importance of self-awareness and the ability to differentiate between your own needs and emotions and those of your partner
So it's not about ignoring those red flags or pretending that they don't exist
But rather about acknowledging them and trying to understand where they're coming from
Like is this something I need to
Address within myself or is it a legitimate concern about the compatibility of the relationship?
Exactly and sometimes the answer might be both
It's about being honest with yourself about what you're feeling and what you need
While also being open to feedback and communication from your partner
Okay, it sounds like building genuine love requires a lot of emotional intelligence and maturity
But how do we actually find someone who's on that same wavelength?
Who's also committed to doing the inner work and showing up authentically in the relationship?
Well, one of the sources had this powerful quote that really resonated with me in a friendship
Individuals act out of choice whereas in a fantasy bond they act out of obligation or attempt to manipulate the other person
This really highlights the difference between genuine connection and just trying to force something that isn't there. Whoa, that's a mic drop moment right there
Yeah, it's like true love is a choice not a need
It's about two people coming together freely and willingly not out of a sense of obligation or desperation
Exactly this choice is often based on a deep sense of alignment in values goals and life paths
So it's not just about finding someone who's fun to be around or who checks off all the boxes on your dating profile
Right, but rather about finding someone who shares your vision for the future and who supports your journey of growth and evolution
Precisely and that kind of alignment takes time and effort to cultivate
Mm-hmm it requires open communication a willingness to be vulnerable and a commitment to working through challenges together
It's through navigating those challenges together that we deepen our connection and create a love that can truly withstand the test of time
All right, so we've established that genuine love requires a solid sense of self
clear boundaries and a willingness to choose partners based on reality not fantasy
But how does idealization fit into all of this? Mm-hmm?
Isn't a little bit of idealization. I don't know normal even healthy in a relationship in the early stages of a relationship
A bit of idealization can be exciting
It's that spark of attraction the feeling that this person is special maybe even perfect
It can feel passion and create that initial sense of connection
But the source is caution that idealization can become problematic when it's based on projection rather than reality
So it's like we're falling in love with an image we've created in our minds rather than the actual person standing in front of us
And that can end well, right? It rarely does idealization often stems from unmet needs and desires from our past
We might unconsciously project those needs onto our partner hoping they'll fill a void that only we can fill
So it's like we're expecting our partner to be our therapist our best friend our parent all rolled into one, right?
Talk about pressure. I know no wonder so many relationships end up feeling like suffocating precisely when those idealized
expectations inevitably clash with reality
Disappointment and disillusionment set in the sources suggest that this can lead to a cycle of seeking out partners who fit a particular mold
Only to be repeatedly let down when they fail to live up to our fantasies
It's like we're stuck in a rom-com loop chasing after that fairytale ending, but never quite finding it
But if idealization is ultimately a recipe for disappointment
How do we shift our perspective and start seeing our partners and ourselves with more clarity and acceptance?
The first step is to become aware of our own patterns of idealization
Okay, to ask ourselves what qualities am I drawn to in a partner?
What needs or desires am I hoping they'll fulfill?
Where might those patterns be rooted in my past experiences and is this idealized image based on reality or on a fantasy?
I've created in my mind and if it's a fantasy
Are we willing to let it go?
To embrace the messy imperfect reality of genuine connection
Even if it doesn't fit the fairytale narrative we've been sold exactly and that's where the sources suggest that self-love plays a crucial role
Okay, the more we accept and embrace ourselves flaws and all the less we need to project
Idealized images onto others. It's like that saying you can't love someone else until you love yourself, right?
But it's more than just a cheesy quote. It's like a deep psychological truth. Absolutely as we cultivate self-love and acceptance
We become more capable of extending that same grace and understanding to our partners
We can see them as whole complex individuals rather than trying to fit them into a predetermined mold
This has been such an insightful deep dive. I feel like I've gained a whole new understanding of what it truly means to love and be loved
It's been a pleasure exploring these concepts with you and I hope our listeners feeling empowered to approach their own relationships with greater
awareness
intention and a healthy dose of self-love
Absolutely keep asking those tough questions and who knows maybe you'll come up with the next tagline that makes everyone want to hit subscribe
Okay, how about this one stay curious about happily ever after is just a cliche and that real relationships are messy
complicated but also kind of awesome