Emotional bites. We're not saying any therapy, but here you are.
Ever catch yourself going back to a decision like hitting that mental rewind button?
You know that if only I had done this differently feeling. Oh, absolutely today.
We're really diving deep into those feelings of disappointment and regret. Yeah, and we've got some
fascinating research to unpack on how our brains decide to hit us with those feelings and more
importantly how we navigate them. Well, it's interesting because you know, it's not as easy as
something being good or bad and then you feel happy or sad. Right. There's this whole like hidden
system in our brain, these appraisals that really shape how we experience the world and how we
experience emotion. So it's like our brain has this mini courtroom where it like puts every
situation on trial before it decides how we should feel about it. Yeah, exactly. You can think of it
like your brain has this scorecard and on that scorecard it's marking, you know, how pleasant is
this? How much control do I have? You know, is this fair? And that combination then leads to all sorts
of different emotional cocktails. Okay, so let's unpack that a little bit. One of the papers,
Brynjol's work from 2018 really stood out to me and it talks about how emotions aren't just one
dimensional. They have layers, right? Yeah, they're definitely not just pleasant or unpleasant.
Think about anger. Anger is not a pleasant emotion, but it often comes with this like certainty,
this feeling of like, I am right, disgust is another one. So you're saying even negative
emotions can have these weird silver linings. Yeah, in a way they do. And that has a huge influence
on how we react. For example, Brynjol found that when people were angry and focusing on that like,
I'm right, part of the anger, they actually doubled down on their beliefs even when those
beliefs were wrong. Wait, so if you're angry and you lean into that feeling of being right,
it doesn't even matter if what you believe is actually wrong. That's what's fascinating.
It's kind of terrifying. It is because it's like our brains go on lockdown, they're defending
their fortress of beliefs even more. Imagine like you made a list of all your flaws and then somebody
made you mad. Yeah. Suddenly those flaws are like, yeah, but this is why I'm this way. Wow, so anger
can actually make us cling even tighter to our mistakes. So you really got to choose your emotional
battles carefully, I guess. You really do. This is where understanding appraisals is so important.
It's like, you know which buttons to push on your emotional control panel. So if anger is all about
certainty, where does surprise fall on this scorecard our brains keeping? So surprise is interesting
because it can kind of go either way. When we focus on the pleasant aspects of surprise, it can help
us become more objective to assess information more clearly. Really? You'd think surprise would
make you more flustered, less able to think clearly. It makes sense though if you think about it
evolutionarily, surprise signals to us that our expectations are wrong, something unexpected is
happening. And that could be dangerous. So we need to pay attention. So it's like our brain
slams on the brakes to make us really focus. That's actually kind of cool. It is. Surprise in those
moments can be a huge tool for growth. It helps us step outside our normal thinking and be open to
new information. So how does this then relate to disappointment and regret? So think about a time
you were really looking forward to something, a job offer, a date, whatever, and it fell through.
Yeah. Initially, you might feel very disappointed, but if you tap into the objective side of surprise,
you can avoid the regret. Okay. So instead of, if only I had done this differently,
you're giving yourself a moment to process. Exactly. It's like you're resetting your expectations.
That's really interesting. Okay, we talked about anger, surprise. What about when you just kind
of want to check out of a situation entirely? That's where contempt comes in, right? Exactly.
Contempt is so interesting because unlike anger, which often makes us want to engage and change
the situation, contempt is all about distance. It's like the queen of, nope, I'm out. Exactly.
Think about like if someone betrays you repeatedly, anger might make you want to yell or confront them,
try to work things out. But contempt, contempt is you throwing your hands up and saying they're
not even worth it. You write them off as a lost cause. Okay. So how is that different from just
feeling disappointed in that person? Disappointment might make you sad or make you want to fix things.
Contempt has this air of superiority that the other person is so beneath you that they're not even
worth getting upset over. And that can be really dangerous for relationships, right? Oh, absolutely.
Like once contempt sets in, is that kind of game over? It can be really difficult to come back from
because it really is about devaluing the other person. So we've got anger, which is all about
doubling down, surprise, which can actually make us more objective, and then contempt,
which is basically the kiss of death for relationships. But what about hatred? Where does
that intense emotion fit in? Hatred's different. It's something that lasts for a long time.
So anger might be like a sudden burst of fire, but hatred is more like a slow burn. It can go on
for years fueled by like repeated harm or a sense of injustice. So it's like anger is more intense,
but less patient cousin? Yeah, you could say that. And the thing is holding on to that hatred,
letting it become chronic can be really bad for you. It's like carrying around a rock in your
stomach every day. That's what chronic hatred can feel like. That's a heavy thought. I bet it can
really change how you see things, how you treat other people. Absolutely. When hatred's really
ingrained, it's hard to see past it. You don't give people the benefit of the doubt. It's like
you're looking at the world through this distorted lens. Okay, so we've really dug into some of the
more, let's say, challenging emotions. But what about the flip side? Is it even possible to feel
positive and negative emotions at the same time? Of course. That's where passion comes in. Think
about the most intense experiences in your life, the ones that completely consume you. Okay. That's
passion. And those experiences are often a mix of amazing highs and really scary lows. You mean
like falling head over heels in love? Exactly. You're excited, happy, and you feel this incredible
sense of possibility. But at the same time, you're terrified of messing things up, getting hurt,
having your heart broken. That's so true. It's like you're just waiting for the other shoe to drop
even though you're on cloud nine. Right. That's because passionate experiences often involve
things that have the potential to change our lives completely. So there's joy and excitement,
but there's also that fear of what could go wrong. Okay. This is all starting to click now.
But how do we actually use this knowledge about appraisals and emotions to deal with
disappointment and regret in our own lives? That's the real question, isn't it?
One key thing is understanding that disappointment while not fun is a really valuable teacher.
You mean like those learning moments they're always talking about? Yeah, exactly. But think about it.
Disappointment often means that our expectations didn't match up with reality.
Maybe you didn't get the promotion you were hoping for or that relationship didn't work out.
As painful as it is, disappointment can help you readjust and change course.
So instead of dwelling on what could have been, we should try to find the lesson.
Exactly. Ask yourself, what can I take away from this experience? How can this help me make better
decisions going forward? If you look at it that way, disappointment is less about failing
and more about growing. It's like that saying sometimes you win, sometimes you learn.
Exactly. It's all about changing your perspective. Easier said than done, of course, especially
when you're really stuck in that cycle of regret. Regret. Now, that's a tough one.
It's like that song, You Can't Get Out Of Your Head. Oh, wow.
Stepped instead of a catchy tune, it's If Only I'd. That's such a good analogy.
Regret is tricky because it often makes us think about things that didn't happen.
We torture ourselves by replaying events in our minds, imagining how things could have been
different. Like we're directing our own personal tragedy. Exactly. And the problem is those what
if scenarios don't exist. They're just in our heads. So we end up stressing over something that
never actually happened. So how do we escape that? How do we stop replaying those what ifs
and actually move on? It takes work, but it's definitely possible. One thing that can help
is focusing on the things you can actually control. You can't change the past, but you can learn from
it and make choices in the present that are right for you. So less dwelling on the past,
more focusing on building the future you want. Yes. It also helps to be kind to yourself.
Everyone makes mistakes. True. But that's often easier said than done, isn't it? Yeah.
We're so hard on ourselves. For sure. But imagine a friend came to you with the same regret.
But how would you respond? You'd probably offer them kindness, support, maybe some tough love.
Try to treat yourself with that same understanding. Yeah. Like why is that so much easier said than
done? Well, our brains have this thing called a negativity bias. Okay. We're practically hard
wired to zero in on threats on things that could go wrong. So yeah, it's way easier to focus on
our mistakes than it is to celebrate our wins. So it's like our brains are kind of set up for
regret from the get go. In a way, yes. But that doesn't mean we're stuck with it. Awareness is
huge. But once you realize you're doing that negative self talk thing, you can start to
challenge it. So it's about catching yourself in those if only loops and then choosing a different
path. Exactly. And remember, it's a process. It's not like flipping a switch. You're trying to
rewire those thought patterns and that takes time and practice. Speaking of rewiring, I'm curious
about social support and all this. Can connecting with others help us deal with this stuff? 100%
social connection is like emotional first aid. Talking to someone you trust, getting those
feelings out in the open. It gives you a safe space to process to get a fresh perspective.
It's like having a friend there to help you untangle a really bad knot. I like that. They
can help you see things more clearly, remind you of your strengths and just be there for you while
you're going through it. Sharing the burden, getting a new angle on things. Exactly. We're
social creatures. We need each other. There's no need to go through this alone. So as we wrap up
here, is there one key thing you would want to leave our listener with? What's the most important
thing to remember? I'd say the biggest takeaway is this. You are not your emotions. Feeling
disappointed or regretful. That doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. It just makes you human.
These emotions as uncomfortable as they can be, they're all part of living a full life. It's so
easy to forget that. It's so easy to be hard on ourselves for having those feelings. And you know
those appraisals we were talking about, they can be wrong. Sometimes our brains jump to conclusions,
see things the wrong way, make things seem more negative than they are. So it's like our own
inner critic needs a reality check every now and then. Totally. If we can learn to be more aware
of our thought patterns, start questioning those knee-jerk negative reactions, we can start to
look at things differently and that can actually change how we feel. Thank you so much for taking
the time to share your expertise with us today. I know I'm going to be thinking about this all
for a long time. It's been my pleasure. Just remember you're not alone. Everyone goes through this.
And those experiences, they can help us grow and learn more about ourselves. So embrace the journey,
learn from your mistakes, and never forget how strong you are. That's it for us today. Until next
time, keep exploring, keep asking, and stay curious.