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Emotional bites. We're not saying any therapy, but here you are.

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Ever catch yourself going back to a decision like hitting that mental rewind button?

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You know that if only I had done this differently feeling. Oh, absolutely today.

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We're really diving deep into those feelings of disappointment and regret. Yeah, and we've got some

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fascinating research to unpack on how our brains decide to hit us with those feelings and more

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importantly how we navigate them. Well, it's interesting because you know, it's not as easy as

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something being good or bad and then you feel happy or sad. Right. There's this whole like hidden

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system in our brain, these appraisals that really shape how we experience the world and how we

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experience emotion. So it's like our brain has this mini courtroom where it like puts every

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situation on trial before it decides how we should feel about it. Yeah, exactly. You can think of it

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like your brain has this scorecard and on that scorecard it's marking, you know, how pleasant is

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this? How much control do I have? You know, is this fair? And that combination then leads to all sorts

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of different emotional cocktails. Okay, so let's unpack that a little bit. One of the papers,

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Brynjol's work from 2018 really stood out to me and it talks about how emotions aren't just one

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dimensional. They have layers, right? Yeah, they're definitely not just pleasant or unpleasant.

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Think about anger. Anger is not a pleasant emotion, but it often comes with this like certainty,

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this feeling of like, I am right, disgust is another one. So you're saying even negative

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emotions can have these weird silver linings. Yeah, in a way they do. And that has a huge influence

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on how we react. For example, Brynjol found that when people were angry and focusing on that like,

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I'm right, part of the anger, they actually doubled down on their beliefs even when those

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beliefs were wrong. Wait, so if you're angry and you lean into that feeling of being right,

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it doesn't even matter if what you believe is actually wrong. That's what's fascinating.

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It's kind of terrifying. It is because it's like our brains go on lockdown, they're defending

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their fortress of beliefs even more. Imagine like you made a list of all your flaws and then somebody

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made you mad. Yeah. Suddenly those flaws are like, yeah, but this is why I'm this way. Wow, so anger

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can actually make us cling even tighter to our mistakes. So you really got to choose your emotional

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battles carefully, I guess. You really do. This is where understanding appraisals is so important.

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It's like, you know which buttons to push on your emotional control panel. So if anger is all about

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certainty, where does surprise fall on this scorecard our brains keeping? So surprise is interesting

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because it can kind of go either way. When we focus on the pleasant aspects of surprise, it can help

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us become more objective to assess information more clearly. Really? You'd think surprise would

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make you more flustered, less able to think clearly. It makes sense though if you think about it

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evolutionarily, surprise signals to us that our expectations are wrong, something unexpected is

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happening. And that could be dangerous. So we need to pay attention. So it's like our brain

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slams on the brakes to make us really focus. That's actually kind of cool. It is. Surprise in those

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moments can be a huge tool for growth. It helps us step outside our normal thinking and be open to

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new information. So how does this then relate to disappointment and regret? So think about a time

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you were really looking forward to something, a job offer, a date, whatever, and it fell through.

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Yeah. Initially, you might feel very disappointed, but if you tap into the objective side of surprise,

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you can avoid the regret. Okay. So instead of, if only I had done this differently,

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you're giving yourself a moment to process. Exactly. It's like you're resetting your expectations.

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That's really interesting. Okay, we talked about anger, surprise. What about when you just kind

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of want to check out of a situation entirely? That's where contempt comes in, right? Exactly.

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Contempt is so interesting because unlike anger, which often makes us want to engage and change

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the situation, contempt is all about distance. It's like the queen of, nope, I'm out. Exactly.

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Think about like if someone betrays you repeatedly, anger might make you want to yell or confront them,

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try to work things out. But contempt, contempt is you throwing your hands up and saying they're

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not even worth it. You write them off as a lost cause. Okay. So how is that different from just

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feeling disappointed in that person? Disappointment might make you sad or make you want to fix things.

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Contempt has this air of superiority that the other person is so beneath you that they're not even

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worth getting upset over. And that can be really dangerous for relationships, right? Oh, absolutely.

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Like once contempt sets in, is that kind of game over? It can be really difficult to come back from

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because it really is about devaluing the other person. So we've got anger, which is all about

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doubling down, surprise, which can actually make us more objective, and then contempt,

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which is basically the kiss of death for relationships. But what about hatred? Where does

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that intense emotion fit in? Hatred's different. It's something that lasts for a long time.

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So anger might be like a sudden burst of fire, but hatred is more like a slow burn. It can go on

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for years fueled by like repeated harm or a sense of injustice. So it's like anger is more intense,

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but less patient cousin? Yeah, you could say that. And the thing is holding on to that hatred,

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letting it become chronic can be really bad for you. It's like carrying around a rock in your

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stomach every day. That's what chronic hatred can feel like. That's a heavy thought. I bet it can

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really change how you see things, how you treat other people. Absolutely. When hatred's really

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ingrained, it's hard to see past it. You don't give people the benefit of the doubt. It's like

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you're looking at the world through this distorted lens. Okay, so we've really dug into some of the

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more, let's say, challenging emotions. But what about the flip side? Is it even possible to feel

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positive and negative emotions at the same time? Of course. That's where passion comes in. Think

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about the most intense experiences in your life, the ones that completely consume you. Okay. That's

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passion. And those experiences are often a mix of amazing highs and really scary lows. You mean

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like falling head over heels in love? Exactly. You're excited, happy, and you feel this incredible

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sense of possibility. But at the same time, you're terrified of messing things up, getting hurt,

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having your heart broken. That's so true. It's like you're just waiting for the other shoe to drop

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even though you're on cloud nine. Right. That's because passionate experiences often involve

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things that have the potential to change our lives completely. So there's joy and excitement,

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but there's also that fear of what could go wrong. Okay. This is all starting to click now.

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But how do we actually use this knowledge about appraisals and emotions to deal with

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disappointment and regret in our own lives? That's the real question, isn't it?

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One key thing is understanding that disappointment while not fun is a really valuable teacher.

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You mean like those learning moments they're always talking about? Yeah, exactly. But think about it.

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Disappointment often means that our expectations didn't match up with reality.

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Maybe you didn't get the promotion you were hoping for or that relationship didn't work out.

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As painful as it is, disappointment can help you readjust and change course.

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So instead of dwelling on what could have been, we should try to find the lesson.

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Exactly. Ask yourself, what can I take away from this experience? How can this help me make better

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decisions going forward? If you look at it that way, disappointment is less about failing

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and more about growing. It's like that saying sometimes you win, sometimes you learn.

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Exactly. It's all about changing your perspective. Easier said than done, of course, especially

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when you're really stuck in that cycle of regret. Regret. Now, that's a tough one.

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It's like that song, You Can't Get Out Of Your Head. Oh, wow.

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Stepped instead of a catchy tune, it's If Only I'd. That's such a good analogy.

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Regret is tricky because it often makes us think about things that didn't happen.

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We torture ourselves by replaying events in our minds, imagining how things could have been

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different. Like we're directing our own personal tragedy. Exactly. And the problem is those what

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if scenarios don't exist. They're just in our heads. So we end up stressing over something that

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never actually happened. So how do we escape that? How do we stop replaying those what ifs

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and actually move on? It takes work, but it's definitely possible. One thing that can help

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is focusing on the things you can actually control. You can't change the past, but you can learn from

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it and make choices in the present that are right for you. So less dwelling on the past,

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more focusing on building the future you want. Yes. It also helps to be kind to yourself.

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Everyone makes mistakes. True. But that's often easier said than done, isn't it? Yeah.

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We're so hard on ourselves. For sure. But imagine a friend came to you with the same regret.

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But how would you respond? You'd probably offer them kindness, support, maybe some tough love.

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Try to treat yourself with that same understanding. Yeah. Like why is that so much easier said than

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done? Well, our brains have this thing called a negativity bias. Okay. We're practically hard

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wired to zero in on threats on things that could go wrong. So yeah, it's way easier to focus on

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our mistakes than it is to celebrate our wins. So it's like our brains are kind of set up for

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regret from the get go. In a way, yes. But that doesn't mean we're stuck with it. Awareness is

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huge. But once you realize you're doing that negative self talk thing, you can start to

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challenge it. So it's about catching yourself in those if only loops and then choosing a different

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path. Exactly. And remember, it's a process. It's not like flipping a switch. You're trying to

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rewire those thought patterns and that takes time and practice. Speaking of rewiring, I'm curious

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about social support and all this. Can connecting with others help us deal with this stuff? 100%

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social connection is like emotional first aid. Talking to someone you trust, getting those

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feelings out in the open. It gives you a safe space to process to get a fresh perspective.

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It's like having a friend there to help you untangle a really bad knot. I like that. They

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can help you see things more clearly, remind you of your strengths and just be there for you while

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you're going through it. Sharing the burden, getting a new angle on things. Exactly. We're

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social creatures. We need each other. There's no need to go through this alone. So as we wrap up

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here, is there one key thing you would want to leave our listener with? What's the most important

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thing to remember? I'd say the biggest takeaway is this. You are not your emotions. Feeling

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disappointed or regretful. That doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. It just makes you human.

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These emotions as uncomfortable as they can be, they're all part of living a full life. It's so

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easy to forget that. It's so easy to be hard on ourselves for having those feelings. And you know

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those appraisals we were talking about, they can be wrong. Sometimes our brains jump to conclusions,

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see things the wrong way, make things seem more negative than they are. So it's like our own

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inner critic needs a reality check every now and then. Totally. If we can learn to be more aware

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of our thought patterns, start questioning those knee-jerk negative reactions, we can start to

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look at things differently and that can actually change how we feel. Thank you so much for taking

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the time to share your expertise with us today. I know I'm going to be thinking about this all

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for a long time. It's been my pleasure. Just remember you're not alone. Everyone goes through this.

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And those experiences, they can help us grow and learn more about ourselves. So embrace the journey,

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learn from your mistakes, and never forget how strong you are. That's it for us today. Until next

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time, keep exploring, keep asking, and stay curious.