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Emotional bites. It's about letting go of the old stuff.

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Music

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Welcome to another Deep Dive. Today we're going to be looking at regret and disappointment.

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Oh, interesting.

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We've got these two research paces that we're going to be looking at today.

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And I think they're going to give us a really good picture of kind of the differences between these two emotions,

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how they're triggered, how they feel, and even how they show up in our brains.

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Oh, wow. That sounds really interesting.

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I know. It's fascinating, right?

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Yeah.

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Okay, so before we get into the research itself, let's start with the basics.

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How would you define regret?

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Oh, okay.

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Um, so regret, I think, is when you wish you had made a different choice than you did.

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And it often comes with a sense of self-blame, like you really messed up.

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Yeah, that if only spiral, right?

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Totally, yeah. If only I had done this.

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Yeah.

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And disappointment, I would say, is a feeling of sadness when things don't live up to your expectations.

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But what's interesting is that it doesn't necessarily mean you did anything wrong.

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Okay.

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So you're like super excited for a movie and it turns out to be a total dud.

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Right.

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But you didn't make the movie. You just had these high hopes for it.

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Exactly.

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This is from a 2002 paper called Regret and Disappointment.

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Okay.

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And the distinction is more than just semantics.

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Okay, I'm ready.

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All right.

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All right, let's untangle these two emotions.

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Regret and disappointment.

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What makes them so different?

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So the key difference is how we see responsibility.

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Okay.

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And I think that's just this feeling of I should have known better.

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Right.

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Like we messed up.

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Yeah.

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Disappointment often feels out of our control.

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Okay, I see. Those do feel different.

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Can you give me an example?

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Yeah. So imagine you miss an important meeting.

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Okay.

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You sleep in. You miss it. That's going to probably trigger regret.

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Yeah, I'd feel regret.

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Because it feels in your control.

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But if you miss that same meeting because of a city-wide power outage.

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Okay.

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That's more likely going to lead to disappointment.

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Yeah, makes sense.

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Same outcome.

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Right, same outcome.

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Totally different feeling.

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Totally different experience. Yeah.

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So is that the difference? That control?

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That perceived locus of control, yeah.

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And that can help us navigate those emotions better.

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Okay. How so?

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If you realize that you weren't really responsible for something.

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Right.

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It takes the sting out of the regret.

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You're not beating yourself up?

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Exactly.

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Okay.

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Disappointment seems particularly linked to unexpectedness and a desire for something pleasurable.

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Like imagine planning a dream vacation and then having it fall through the network.

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Man, I can feel that pang of disappointment just thinking about it.

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But regret, on the other hand, is more about what could have been if we acted differently.

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Yeah.

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This study found it was associated with higher self-agency, meaning we blame ourselves more.

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Right.

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It also showed higher control potential.

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We believe we could have done something to change the outcome.

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So it's like that sinking feeling when you realize you should have bought that lottery ticket.

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Exactly.

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And this difference in how we appraise those situations can have huge implications for how we behave afterward.

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Okay.

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Think about it.

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If you're feeling regret, you might be more likely to try and change your behavior in the future to avoid feeling that way again.

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So if we understand those subtle differences and how our brains process those situations, we can actually use them to make better decisions in the future.

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Exactly.

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That's a really powerful insight.

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It really highlights the interconnectedness of our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors.

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And it underscores why understanding these nuances is so crucial.

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We've been talking about these as if they're just one thing.

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Yeah.

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Are there different types of regret, different types of disappointment?

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There are.

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For disappointment, the paper actually says there's outcome related and person related.

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I break those down for me.

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Outcome related disappointment is when those external things don't go our way.

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Okay.

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So your team loses a big game.

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That's disappointing.

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Or a project falls apart even though you put in all the work.

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That didn't go as I expected.

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Okay.

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And so the person related then.

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That one cuts a little deeper because it involves feeling betrayed or let down by someone.

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Ooh.

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A friend breaking a promise.

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Right.

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Family member not showing up for you.

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So it's about the relationship.

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Yes.

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And that impact.

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So how do we use that then knowing these different types?

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If we can figure out where disappointments coming from.

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Okay.

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We can address it better.

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So if someone let me down.

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Yeah.

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Maybe I need to talk to them.

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Right.

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Have a conversation about it.

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If it's just something that didn't go my way.

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Yeah.

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Maybe I just need to adjust my expectations.

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It's possible.

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I'm seeing how this is so helpful.

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Both emotions, while often perceived as negative.

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Right.

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Can provide valuable opportunities for growth.

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Yeah.

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They can highlight areas where we might need to adjust our course, reevaluate our priorities,

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or even discover new paths that we hadn't considered before.

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So rather than trying to avoid these emotions altogether.

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Yeah.

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We can view them as valuable sources of information about ourselves and our values.

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Precisely.

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They can help us become more attuned to what truly matters to us and guide us towards a

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life that feels more authentic and fulfilling.

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Yeah.

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Like those moments of regret or disappointment, they can actually be like wake up calls.

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Totally.

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And then nudging us towards a more fulfilling path.

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Yeah.

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That's a great way to put it.

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Instead of viewing them as purely negative emotions, we can see them as opportunities

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for reflection and growth.

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So the second paper also investigated how the stability of our values shapes the intensity

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of regret we experience.

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So they had participants rate the importance of various things, money possessions, experiences,

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and found a surprising consistency in those judgments over time.

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Oh wow.

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So what you find important today.

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Right.

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We're probably going to find important in a month from now.

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And they found that this consistent value system, it plays a key role in predicting

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how intensely someone's going to experience regret.

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The stronger our values are, the bigger the emotional fallout when we make a choice that

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goes against them.

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Exactly.

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So if you find yourself like frequently wrestling with these feelings of regret or disappointment,

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it might be a sign to kind of take a step back.

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Right.

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And then what's truly important to you are your choices reflecting your values.

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If not, that misalignment could be fueling those feelings.

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Because if we're not clear on our values, it's harder to make choices that feel authentic

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and lead to greater satisfaction.

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Exactly.

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And when our actions are in conflict with our values, that's when regret and disappointment

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are most likely to show up.

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So by understanding how these emotions work, we gain valuable insight into our own decision

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making and how to create a life that feels more aligned with who we are.

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So like if you really value family time, but you choose to work late instead, that disconnect

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is going to lead to some regret.

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Totally.

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And that's true even if the work project is a smashing success.

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Because the regret isn't really about the outcome itself, it's about how that outcome reflects

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your core values.

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This is so eye-opening.

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So regret and disappointment are just these fleeting feelings.

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They're really deeply connected to our sense of self, our values and how we understand

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our place in the world.

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Yeah.

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So fascinating.

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And I think understanding these differences can provide some real insights into how these

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emotions impact our future decisions.

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Yeah, absolutely.

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Yeah.

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Okay, so we're starting to get a much clearer picture of just how nuanced these emotions

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really are.

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Yeah.

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But the second paper that we're going to be looking at today kind of adds another layer

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to this.

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It challenges this traditional view that regret requires free will.

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Oh, wow.

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So you can feel regret even when you didn't have a choice on the matter.

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That's exactly what they explored.

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So they set up two different scenarios.

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One with a company executive being pressured to turn down a promising overseas assignment.

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Yeah.

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And another with an athlete forced to retire due to injury.

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So these are like big life choices.

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Yeah.

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Really impactful outcome.

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Yeah.

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But things that are totally out of their control.

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Exactly.

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And what's really interesting is the participants in the study, they consistently attributed

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higher levels of regret when the choice was forced upon them.

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And this was regardless of whether the outcome was good or bad.

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So even if the outcome was positive, like let's say the executive gets to spend more

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time with family.

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Right.

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They still felt more regret than if they had made that decision themselves.

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Exactly.

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Wow.

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Yeah.

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That really shakes things up.

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Yeah.

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And it might not be solely about making the wrong choice, but also about the feeling of

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control of agency over our own lives.

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So interesting.

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This is definitely making me rethink how I understand regret.

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You know, if regret can be triggered, even when we didn't have control over the outcome,

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how does that fit into this idea of regret as a learning tool?

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That's a fantastic question.

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Yeah.

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What's fascinating is that even though the trigger for regret might be different in a

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forced choice scenario, the underlying appraisal process might be very similar.

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Okay.

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I'm not sure I'm following.

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Okay.

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How can the appraisal be similar if one is based on a choice that you made and the other

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is based on something that's totally out of your control?

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Let's think about it this way.

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Okay.

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In both cases, your brain is comparing the actual outcome to a potential outcome.

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Okay.

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Right?

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So with a free choice, you're thinking, if only I had chosen differently, but with

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a forced choice, it might be more like, if only circumstances had been different.

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I see.

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So it's still a comparison.

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Yeah.

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But the focus kind of shifts in personal responsibility to the external circumstances.

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Exactly.

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But there's still that sense of longing for a different outcome.

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Yeah.

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Exactly.

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And in both cases, that comparison can highlight this mismatch between your values and the

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reality of the situation.

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So for example, if the executive is pressured to stay in a job that they don't find fulfilling

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or the athlete is forced to retire from a sport they love, those situations can still

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trigger a deep sense of loss, even though they understand it wasn't their fault.

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Precisely.

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Yeah.

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And that sense of loss can in turn prompt them to reevaluate their priorities and seek

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out new paths that feel more aligned with their value.

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So even though the trigger might be the internal process of grappling with those emotions and

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trying to make sense of that mismatch can still be really valuable.

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But for our listener, what's the key takeaway from all of this?

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Why should they care about the nuances of these emotions?

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I think the biggest takeaway is this.

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By understanding these emotions, you gain a deeper understanding of your own decision-making

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process.

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You can start to recognize the kinds of situations that might trigger regret or disappointment.

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Right.

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And use that knowledge to make choices that are more aligned with what truly matters to

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you.

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It's not just about avoiding these emotions altogether, it's about understanding how they

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work.

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Yeah.

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And using that knowledge to our advantage.

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Precisely.

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It's about becoming more attuned to your own emotional patterns and using that awareness

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to make choices that are more likely to lead to genuine satisfaction.

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And the research on forced choices, I think this adds a really interesting layer to this.

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Totally.

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It highlights the importance of agency, like feeling in control of our lives.

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Even when circumstances are challenging.

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That's right.

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Even if you can't control every outcome, you can still control how you respond, how you

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make meaning of those experiences and how you choose to move forward.

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It's not just about the choices we make, it's about how we frame those choices, how we understand

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our role in shaping our own lives.

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Exactly.

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And that's where understanding the nuances of regret and disappointment comes in.

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Right.

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By recognizing their unique appraisal patterns and their deep connection to our values, we

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can start to harness their power for positive change.

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Today we've delved into the intricate world of regret and disappointment, uncovering how

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they differ, how they're triggered, and even challenging some traditional views on their

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origins.

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But remember, this deep dive is just the beginning.

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Stay curious about appraisal's disappointment and regret.

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The more you understand them, the more effectively you can navigate the complex landscape of

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choices and consequences in your own life.