Emotional bites. It's about letting go of the old stuff.
Music
Welcome to another Deep Dive. Today we're going to be looking at regret and disappointment.
Oh, interesting.
We've got these two research paces that we're going to be looking at today.
And I think they're going to give us a really good picture of kind of the differences between these two emotions,
how they're triggered, how they feel, and even how they show up in our brains.
Oh, wow. That sounds really interesting.
I know. It's fascinating, right?
Yeah.
Okay, so before we get into the research itself, let's start with the basics.
How would you define regret?
Oh, okay.
Um, so regret, I think, is when you wish you had made a different choice than you did.
And it often comes with a sense of self-blame, like you really messed up.
Yeah, that if only spiral, right?
Totally, yeah. If only I had done this.
Yeah.
And disappointment, I would say, is a feeling of sadness when things don't live up to your expectations.
But what's interesting is that it doesn't necessarily mean you did anything wrong.
Okay.
So you're like super excited for a movie and it turns out to be a total dud.
Right.
But you didn't make the movie. You just had these high hopes for it.
Exactly.
This is from a 2002 paper called Regret and Disappointment.
Okay.
And the distinction is more than just semantics.
Okay, I'm ready.
All right.
All right, let's untangle these two emotions.
Regret and disappointment.
What makes them so different?
So the key difference is how we see responsibility.
Okay.
And I think that's just this feeling of I should have known better.
Right.
Like we messed up.
Yeah.
Disappointment often feels out of our control.
Okay, I see. Those do feel different.
Can you give me an example?
Yeah. So imagine you miss an important meeting.
Okay.
You sleep in. You miss it. That's going to probably trigger regret.
Yeah, I'd feel regret.
Because it feels in your control.
But if you miss that same meeting because of a city-wide power outage.
Okay.
That's more likely going to lead to disappointment.
Yeah, makes sense.
Same outcome.
Right, same outcome.
Totally different feeling.
Totally different experience. Yeah.
So is that the difference? That control?
That perceived locus of control, yeah.
And that can help us navigate those emotions better.
Okay. How so?
If you realize that you weren't really responsible for something.
Right.
It takes the sting out of the regret.
You're not beating yourself up?
Exactly.
Okay.
Disappointment seems particularly linked to unexpectedness and a desire for something pleasurable.
Like imagine planning a dream vacation and then having it fall through the network.
Man, I can feel that pang of disappointment just thinking about it.
But regret, on the other hand, is more about what could have been if we acted differently.
Yeah.
This study found it was associated with higher self-agency, meaning we blame ourselves more.
Right.
It also showed higher control potential.
We believe we could have done something to change the outcome.
So it's like that sinking feeling when you realize you should have bought that lottery ticket.
Exactly.
And this difference in how we appraise those situations can have huge implications for how we behave afterward.
Okay.
Think about it.
If you're feeling regret, you might be more likely to try and change your behavior in the future to avoid feeling that way again.
So if we understand those subtle differences and how our brains process those situations, we can actually use them to make better decisions in the future.
Exactly.
That's a really powerful insight.
It really highlights the interconnectedness of our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors.
And it underscores why understanding these nuances is so crucial.
We've been talking about these as if they're just one thing.
Yeah.
Are there different types of regret, different types of disappointment?
There are.
For disappointment, the paper actually says there's outcome related and person related.
I break those down for me.
Outcome related disappointment is when those external things don't go our way.
Okay.
So your team loses a big game.
That's disappointing.
Or a project falls apart even though you put in all the work.
That didn't go as I expected.
Okay.
And so the person related then.
That one cuts a little deeper because it involves feeling betrayed or let down by someone.
Ooh.
A friend breaking a promise.
Right.
Family member not showing up for you.
So it's about the relationship.
Yes.
And that impact.
So how do we use that then knowing these different types?
If we can figure out where disappointments coming from.
Okay.
We can address it better.
So if someone let me down.
Yeah.
Maybe I need to talk to them.
Right.
Have a conversation about it.
If it's just something that didn't go my way.
Yeah.
Maybe I just need to adjust my expectations.
It's possible.
I'm seeing how this is so helpful.
Both emotions, while often perceived as negative.
Right.
Can provide valuable opportunities for growth.
Yeah.
They can highlight areas where we might need to adjust our course, reevaluate our priorities,
or even discover new paths that we hadn't considered before.
So rather than trying to avoid these emotions altogether.
Yeah.
We can view them as valuable sources of information about ourselves and our values.
Precisely.
They can help us become more attuned to what truly matters to us and guide us towards a
life that feels more authentic and fulfilling.
Yeah.
Like those moments of regret or disappointment, they can actually be like wake up calls.
Totally.
And then nudging us towards a more fulfilling path.
Yeah.
That's a great way to put it.
Instead of viewing them as purely negative emotions, we can see them as opportunities
for reflection and growth.
So the second paper also investigated how the stability of our values shapes the intensity
of regret we experience.
So they had participants rate the importance of various things, money possessions, experiences,
and found a surprising consistency in those judgments over time.
Oh wow.
So what you find important today.
Right.
We're probably going to find important in a month from now.
And they found that this consistent value system, it plays a key role in predicting
how intensely someone's going to experience regret.
The stronger our values are, the bigger the emotional fallout when we make a choice that
goes against them.
Exactly.
So if you find yourself like frequently wrestling with these feelings of regret or disappointment,
it might be a sign to kind of take a step back.
Right.
And then what's truly important to you are your choices reflecting your values.
If not, that misalignment could be fueling those feelings.
Because if we're not clear on our values, it's harder to make choices that feel authentic
and lead to greater satisfaction.
Exactly.
And when our actions are in conflict with our values, that's when regret and disappointment
are most likely to show up.
So by understanding how these emotions work, we gain valuable insight into our own decision
making and how to create a life that feels more aligned with who we are.
So like if you really value family time, but you choose to work late instead, that disconnect
is going to lead to some regret.
Totally.
And that's true even if the work project is a smashing success.
Because the regret isn't really about the outcome itself, it's about how that outcome reflects
your core values.
This is so eye-opening.
So regret and disappointment are just these fleeting feelings.
They're really deeply connected to our sense of self, our values and how we understand
our place in the world.
Yeah.
So fascinating.
And I think understanding these differences can provide some real insights into how these
emotions impact our future decisions.
Yeah, absolutely.
Yeah.
Okay, so we're starting to get a much clearer picture of just how nuanced these emotions
really are.
Yeah.
But the second paper that we're going to be looking at today kind of adds another layer
to this.
It challenges this traditional view that regret requires free will.
Oh, wow.
So you can feel regret even when you didn't have a choice on the matter.
That's exactly what they explored.
So they set up two different scenarios.
One with a company executive being pressured to turn down a promising overseas assignment.
Yeah.
And another with an athlete forced to retire due to injury.
So these are like big life choices.
Yeah.
Really impactful outcome.
Yeah.
But things that are totally out of their control.
Exactly.
And what's really interesting is the participants in the study, they consistently attributed
higher levels of regret when the choice was forced upon them.
And this was regardless of whether the outcome was good or bad.
So even if the outcome was positive, like let's say the executive gets to spend more
time with family.
Right.
They still felt more regret than if they had made that decision themselves.
Exactly.
Wow.
Yeah.
That really shakes things up.
Yeah.
And it might not be solely about making the wrong choice, but also about the feeling of
control of agency over our own lives.
So interesting.
This is definitely making me rethink how I understand regret.
You know, if regret can be triggered, even when we didn't have control over the outcome,
how does that fit into this idea of regret as a learning tool?
That's a fantastic question.
Yeah.
What's fascinating is that even though the trigger for regret might be different in a
forced choice scenario, the underlying appraisal process might be very similar.
Okay.
I'm not sure I'm following.
Okay.
How can the appraisal be similar if one is based on a choice that you made and the other
is based on something that's totally out of your control?
Let's think about it this way.
Okay.
In both cases, your brain is comparing the actual outcome to a potential outcome.
Okay.
Right?
So with a free choice, you're thinking, if only I had chosen differently, but with
a forced choice, it might be more like, if only circumstances had been different.
I see.
So it's still a comparison.
Yeah.
But the focus kind of shifts in personal responsibility to the external circumstances.
Exactly.
But there's still that sense of longing for a different outcome.
Yeah.
Exactly.
And in both cases, that comparison can highlight this mismatch between your values and the
reality of the situation.
So for example, if the executive is pressured to stay in a job that they don't find fulfilling
or the athlete is forced to retire from a sport they love, those situations can still
trigger a deep sense of loss, even though they understand it wasn't their fault.
Precisely.
Yeah.
And that sense of loss can in turn prompt them to reevaluate their priorities and seek
out new paths that feel more aligned with their value.
So even though the trigger might be the internal process of grappling with those emotions and
trying to make sense of that mismatch can still be really valuable.
But for our listener, what's the key takeaway from all of this?
Why should they care about the nuances of these emotions?
I think the biggest takeaway is this.
By understanding these emotions, you gain a deeper understanding of your own decision-making
process.
You can start to recognize the kinds of situations that might trigger regret or disappointment.
Right.
And use that knowledge to make choices that are more aligned with what truly matters to
you.
It's not just about avoiding these emotions altogether, it's about understanding how they
work.
Yeah.
And using that knowledge to our advantage.
Precisely.
It's about becoming more attuned to your own emotional patterns and using that awareness
to make choices that are more likely to lead to genuine satisfaction.
And the research on forced choices, I think this adds a really interesting layer to this.
Totally.
It highlights the importance of agency, like feeling in control of our lives.
Even when circumstances are challenging.
That's right.
Even if you can't control every outcome, you can still control how you respond, how you
make meaning of those experiences and how you choose to move forward.
It's not just about the choices we make, it's about how we frame those choices, how we understand
our role in shaping our own lives.
Exactly.
And that's where understanding the nuances of regret and disappointment comes in.
Right.
By recognizing their unique appraisal patterns and their deep connection to our values, we
can start to harness their power for positive change.
Today we've delved into the intricate world of regret and disappointment, uncovering how
they differ, how they're triggered, and even challenging some traditional views on their
origins.
But remember, this deep dive is just the beginning.
Stay curious about appraisal's disappointment and regret.
The more you understand them, the more effectively you can navigate the complex landscape of
choices and consequences in your own life.