Emotional bites, unpacking the stories we tell ourselves.
Music
Hey everyone, ready for a deep dive into some emotions?
You know, those emotions we probably rather avoid.
We're talking about shame, guilt, pride, that whole messy, often awkward world of feelings.
You know, the ones that can make us want to disappear or maybe strut a little.
What's wild is researchers are finding these aren't just feelings in our heads,
it's like they're deeply social, almost like tools we've evolved to navigate those ups and downs of our social lives.
It's so true, we often think of these emotions as purely internal right, like shame makes you want to hide away.
But all this research is showing us it's much more outward facing than that.
Yeah, one study I was looking at basically said we're practically always in a state of either pride or shame.
Talk about pressure.
Wow.
So before we get into like the nitty-gritty of each emotion, how are these self-conscious ones different from say just feeling happy or scared?
Oh, that's a great place to start. They really are a different beast.
Think about it, basic emotions like fear or joy are pretty immediate, pretty primal.
You don't need a complex sense of self to feel them.
Right.
But these self-conscious emotions, those need that extra layer of, you know, development,
which is why they show up a little later in life.
Makes sense, right?
Like a toddler might cry if they're hungry, but they're not stressing over if their outfit is cool enough.
So it's about developing that sense of me first.
Yes.
And it's not just a me in isolation. The research really emphasizes this sense of self develops through our interactions with others.
Yeah.
So right from the start, these emotions are about me in relation to you.
Okay, so that explains the self-conscious part, but how does that actually play out in our lives?
Hmm.
Think about a time you might have felt shame for something.
Like say a meal you cook that turned out kind of disastrous if you're alone, who cares?
Right.
Just eat the culinary disaster and move on.
Exactly.
But the possibility of someone seeing it, judging it, that's where shame comes in.
It's less about the food and more about you're standing within the group.
It's like shame is that little voice whispering, well, they still accept me after this.
Exactly.
And that gets to the heart of what makes these emotions so fascinating.
They're not just about us as individuals, they're about us as social beings.
Hmm.
You know, constantly navigating this dance of acceptance and belonging.
So we've got these self-conscious emotions.
They develop a bit later.
They're deeply social, but the research also dug into how we tell shame and guilt apart.
Because let's be real, sometimes it feels like I messed up, can quickly spiral into
I am a mess, you know?
Absolutely.
And the research highlighted a fascinating distinction.
It all comes down to how we explain our blunders to ourselves.
Like blaming a fixed trait, like saying, I'm just bad at this.
That tends to trigger shame.
But blaming a specific action, something within your control, like, look, I really didn't prepare
for that presentation, that's more in the realm of guilt.
And that subtle difference in how we explain things to ourselves that changes everything.
It really does.
Because shame wants to make you hide from the mistake.
But guilt can actually motivate you to fix it.
One of the studies called these emotions tools shaped for different social tasks.
Like, shame is the alarm bell and guilt is the repair crew showing up afterward.
Okay, so then shame's not all bad, that's not a message you hear very often.
Right.
It's a pretty bad rap.
Think about it from an evolutionary perspective.
In our past, being ostracized from the group could mean death.
Oh, wow.
Shame, even though it feels awful, is a powerful signal that something you're doing is putting
your social bonds at risk.
It's like an urgent warning system saying, hey, course correct.
Because your place in the group might be on the line.
So instead of focusing on the feeling itself, we should be looking at what it's trying to tell us.
It's like a really annoying friend who's actually giving you decent advice.
Exactly.
And the research backs this up.
One of the most surprising findings was that people across cultures are remarkably accurate at predicting
how much shame they would feel if they did something and how much others actually disapproved of that action.
It's like we have this built-in shame calculator constantly running simulations of social outcomes.
That's wild.
So not only are we wired to avoid social blunders, we're also wired to know what counts as a blunder in the first place.
It speaks to how deeply ingrained these social mechanisms are in our psychology.
And it's not just shame either.
Pride also plays a fascinating role in this whole social dance.
And just like with shame, there's more to pride than meets the eye.
Ooh, I'm intrigued.
Because most people think of pride as a good thing, right?
Like feeling good about yourself, your accomplishments.
But I'm guessing it's not that simple.
You're right, it's not.
The research dug into two distinct types of pride.
Authentic pride and hubristic pride.
One is about genuine accomplishment.
Like I ace that test because I studied hard.
The other is more about ego.
I ace that test because I'm just naturally brilliant.
And guess which one is linked to higher levels of aggression?
Oh, I think I have a feeling.
You got it.
Hubristic pride, the one that's all about ego.
Which makes sense.
If you're walking around feeling superior, you're more likely to lash out when someone challenges that.
But if you're proud because of, you know, hard work and effort, it's easier to stay grounded.
Exactly.
And this is where it gets really interesting.
Because even though we might roll our eyes at the braggarts, hubristic pride can still be a very effective route to influence and status.
It might not make you the nicest person, but it can get you ahead.
It's like that classic jerk boss trope they might be terrible to work for, but they still have the corner office.
So are we saying evolution favors jerks?
Not necessarily.
Remember, social status isn't always about being well liked.
Sometimes it's about power, about securing resources, even through dominance.
And that's where hubristic pride can be a powerful tool, even if we consciously find it off-putting.
So even though we like to think we've moved beyond those primal instincts, they're still lurking in our emotional wiring, influencing our behavior in all sorts of subtle ways.
Exactly.
And that brings us to a really thought-provoking point.
The concept of anticipatory shame.
Have you ever caught yourself imagining all the ways you could embarrass yourself before even leaving the house?
Oh, all the time. Is that what anticipatory shame is?
You got it. It's our brain's ability to simulate social scenarios and predict the potential for shame based on our actions.
It's like our brains are constantly working overtime, trying to keep our social lives running smoothly even before we've interacted with anyone.
Wait, so it's not just about reacting to actual social disapproval.
We're constantly trying to anticipate it and adjust on behavior accordingly.
Precisely.
And the research suggests this anticipatory shame is incredibly finely tuned.
They did studies across multiple cultures and people's predictions of how much shame they'd feel if they did something,
scarily accurate when compared to how much others actually disapproved of that action.
So we're all running around with these super-powered shame calculators in our heads, constantly assessing social risk.
It seems that way. And it just goes to show how powerful these emotions are often operating below our conscious awareness.
We might think we're making decisions rationally, but who knows what's really going on in those emotional control centers of our brains.
Okay, now I'm starting to get a little freaked out.
It's both fascinating and kind of terrifying to realize how much of our behavior might be driven by this deep-seated need to avoid social awkwardness.
But think about it this way, at least it explains why we spend so much time agonizing over what to wear to a party or what to say in a job interview.
True. And it makes you realize how much our social world really does shape our internal world.
But where does that leave us?
If these emotions are so deeply ingrained, so tied to our evolutionary past, how far back does this whole social drama really go?
That's a fascinating question.
And the research suggests these emotions, especially those tied to social status, have very, very deep roots.
I mean, think about it, even in animal groups, there's a hierarchy, right?
The pecking order.
Exactly, there's a pecking order. And to keep that order, you know, to make sure everyone's cooperating and not constantly fighting, that takes some form of social regulation, even without words.
So are we talking about animals actually experiencing something like shame when they step out of line, like my dog getting that guilty look after he's chewed up a pillow?
Exactly.
While we can't ask animals about their feelings, we can observe their behavior.
And what we see is that actions that might lead to punishment or exclusion often result in these appeasement displays, tail between the legs, avoiding eye contact, acting submissive.
Oh, yeah.
It's like a built-in mechanism to restore harmony, even without complex language.
It makes you wonder about that whole shame as bad ideas.
If it's so widespread, even in the animal kingdom, maybe it's more nuanced than that.
Absolutely. And that's what's so exciting about the newer research.
Instead of slapping these, like, good or bad labels on these emotions, we're starting to appreciate their functionality.
Yeah.
Shame, guilt, pride. They each serve a purpose in this whole social dance we do.
Okay, so speaking of social dances, one thing that's always confused me is the whole thing with norms.
Like, is shame just about following the rules? Because sometimes it feels like shame pops up, even when there's no clear rule being broken.
That's such a great point. And the research actually pushes back on this idea that shame is solely about conforming to these preset norms.
Norns definitely played a role, don't get me wrong.
Yeah.
But it goes deeper than that. It's more about this primal need for acceptance and belonging.
So it's less about, did I break a rule, and more about, will this make people like me less?
Exactly.
And that explains why shame can feel so subjective, even irrational sometimes.
What sends one person into a shame spiral might barely register for another.
It all depends on our individual experiences and the social groups we care about.
It's like we all have these internal shame barometers calibrated to our own unique brand of social anxiety.
It makes you wonder, if we shifted our social environments, could we actually change those ingrained patterns of shame, guilt, and pride?
It's about conscious choices, rather than just being puppets of our emotions.
And one of the most powerful ways to do that is by choosing our social environments more intentionally.
You mean surrounding ourselves with people who lift us up, rather than, you know, drag us down?
Precisely. Think about the people you spend the most time with. Do they make you feel supported, valued, accepted for who you are?
Or do they constantly criticize, judge, or make you feel like you're not good enough?
Because if we're, you know, constantly being exposed to negativity, it's going to affect our emotional baseline.
It's like being stuck in a room with the lights turned down low all the time.
Exactly. And on the flip side, if we surround ourselves with people who radiate warmth, acceptance, encouragement,
it can actually help us rewire those shame responses and build a more resilient sense of self.
It's like someone finally flipped the switch and turned the lights on.
So it's not just about changing our internal dialogue, it's also about curating our social ecosystem to, you know, really support that growth.
Exactly. Our emotions, as personal as they feel, don't exist in a vacuum. They're shaped by our experiences, our relationships, the social worlds we inhabit.
This has been such an eye-opening conversation. It's made me realize that shame guilt pride aren't just these like random, annoying emotions we have to put up with.
They're actually giving us valuable information about our social world and, you know, our place in it.
That's a great way to put it. And while they can be challenging at times, they also hold the potential for growth, connection, and a deeper understanding of ourselves.
And this, you know, intricate social dance we're all a part of.
And on that note, we'll leave you to contemplate your own relationship with shame, guilt, and pride.
What stories are you telling yourself about your social successes and blunders, and how can you start rewriting those narratives to cultivate more self-compassion, resilience, and ultimately a deeper sense of belonging?
Thanks for joining us on this deep dive. We'll see you next time.