1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:03,840 Emotional bites. It's giving self-awareness, but with the side of aha. 2 00:00:20,560 --> 00:00:26,880 Ready to dive into some seriously intense emotions today. We're talking about anger, contempt, 3 00:00:26,880 --> 00:00:31,200 hate, you know those really heated feelings that can really mess with us. 4 00:00:31,200 --> 00:00:36,880 And we're not just scratching the surface here, we're going deep right into the why behind these 5 00:00:36,880 --> 00:00:41,840 emotions. Absolutely, but let's get to the mechanics of these feelings for a bit, especially 6 00:00:41,840 --> 00:00:47,360 anger. Right, appraisals are key. Appraisal theory says emotions aren't random, they're triggered 7 00:00:47,360 --> 00:00:53,040 by how our brains instantly assess what's happening and those judgments, they directly shape how we 8 00:00:53,040 --> 00:00:58,240 feel. So we're not just reacting, our brains are always evaluating, interpreting, and that's what 9 00:00:58,240 --> 00:01:04,320 fuels the feeling itself. Exactly, and when it comes to anger, two appraisals seem to be the most 10 00:01:04,320 --> 00:01:11,280 important. Goal obstruction and what researchers call other person agency. Okay, so goal obstruction, 11 00:01:11,840 --> 00:01:17,680 someone or something's blocking our goal, but other person agency. Does that mean we think 12 00:01:17,680 --> 00:01:22,480 another person's responsible for that roadblock? You got it. Think about this time you get really 13 00:01:22,480 --> 00:01:26,960 angry. Often it's because something or someone is stopping you from getting what you want 14 00:01:26,960 --> 00:01:31,840 and blaming them that you did this to me feeling that's what really gets the anger bumping. 15 00:01:32,560 --> 00:01:36,480 Ever snap at someone out of nowhere then realize later you were just stressed about something 16 00:01:36,480 --> 00:01:40,720 totally unrelated. Oh yeah, all the time. Yeah. Like taking it out on the barista who's just trying 17 00:01:40,720 --> 00:01:46,960 to make my coffee. Exactly. Our emotions are primed for those reactions and sometimes we miss fire, 18 00:01:46,960 --> 00:01:53,280 we blame the wrong target. There's this fascinating study by Rosin, Lowry, Amada, and Haight back in 19 00:01:53,280 --> 00:01:59,280 99. They showed people pictures of faces like showing anger, contempt, disgust, the real deal. 20 00:01:59,280 --> 00:02:03,200 Okay, got it. Different expressions than what? Then they gave descriptions of different moral 21 00:02:03,200 --> 00:02:08,400 transgressions like stealing, lying, breaking promises, that sort of thing. So trying to see 22 00:02:08,400 --> 00:02:15,600 if people could match the face to the crime. Right, and get this, people were amazingly good at it. 23 00:02:15,600 --> 00:02:23,920 Like they could accurately connect the expression to the specific moral no-no. For example, anger. 24 00:02:24,880 --> 00:02:31,520 Almost always linked to violations of autonomy, that feeling of being controlled or having your 25 00:02:31,520 --> 00:02:36,720 choices taken away. Like when someone totally steamrolls your opinion in a meeting as if their way 26 00:02:36,720 --> 00:02:44,400 is the only way. Spot on, our need for autonomy hates that, but contempt. That was consistently 27 00:02:44,400 --> 00:02:48,800 linked to violations of community standards, things that go against our shared values. 28 00:02:48,800 --> 00:02:52,240 So no more like someone cutting in line or blasting music while you're trying to have 29 00:02:52,240 --> 00:02:57,680 a peaceful picnic in the park. Exactly. It disrupts the social flow, makes us question the person's 30 00:02:57,680 --> 00:03:01,600 character, like, do you not get it? Are you really that clueless? And that's where the 31 00:03:01,600 --> 00:03:07,680 action part comes in. Anger is often about righting that wrong. No. About making things right again. 32 00:03:07,680 --> 00:03:13,600 I see. There's actually research that backs this up. Back in the 1980s, Avril's work showed that 33 00:03:13,600 --> 00:03:19,440 over 90% of people experience an urge to act aggressively when they're angry. Wow. So basically 34 00:03:19,440 --> 00:03:24,480 almost everyone has felt that urge to lash out when they're angry, whether it's honking the horn 35 00:03:24,480 --> 00:03:29,760 or firing off a strongly worded email. Right. Contempt is a whole different ball game. Instead 36 00:03:29,760 --> 00:03:36,080 of that fiery energy of anger, contempt is like, well, imagine a door slowly closing. It's less 37 00:03:36,080 --> 00:03:40,720 about changing the other person and more about protecting yourself by emotionally distancing 38 00:03:40,720 --> 00:03:45,360 yourself from them. Interesting. It's like you're saying, this person is so beneath me, 39 00:03:45,360 --> 00:03:51,440 so fundamentally flawed that they're not even worth my time or energy. It's giving, I'm not mad, 40 00:03:51,440 --> 00:03:56,480 I'm just disappointed, but on a whole other level. And that's why recognizing the difference between 41 00:03:56,480 --> 00:04:03,440 anger and contempt is so crucial. Anger, even when it's intense, still holds a flicker of hope for 42 00:04:03,440 --> 00:04:08,080 change. It's like with that coat worker who took credit for your idea, anger might motivate you to 43 00:04:08,080 --> 00:04:12,480 confront them to fight for recognition because you still believe this situation can be salvaged, 44 00:04:13,120 --> 00:04:17,760 but contempt, that's when you start to write the person off entirely. Yeah. Yeah, that's a good 45 00:04:17,760 --> 00:04:23,040 way to put it. It's like the difference between trying to repair a broken vase and just tossing 46 00:04:23,040 --> 00:04:28,640 the whole thing in the trash. With anger, there's still a chance for repair. With contempt, you've 47 00:04:28,640 --> 00:04:33,760 basically given up and moved on. Wow. And that's why as researchers Fisher and Roseman have found, 48 00:04:33,760 --> 00:04:39,920 contempt can be incredibly toxic to relationships. It creates this chasm of disrespect that's a really 49 00:04:39,920 --> 00:04:45,920 tough to bridge. Think about your own experiences. Have you ever felt that fiery anger that actually 50 00:04:45,920 --> 00:04:51,680 led to a productive conversation? Maybe even strengthened a bond? And then on the flip side, 51 00:04:51,680 --> 00:04:56,640 have you ever felt that icy grip of contempt just shut down a relationship? It's not just about what 52 00:04:56,640 --> 00:05:01,760 happens to us, but about how we interpret those events, the meaning we give them. One thing that 53 00:05:01,760 --> 00:05:08,240 really stood out to me was this whole control potential idea and how different it looks across 54 00:05:08,240 --> 00:05:13,760 these emotions. Oh, it's a fascinating concept. Control potential is basically our brain deciding 55 00:05:14,400 --> 00:05:19,520 can we influence the situation or not. High control, we feel like we can change things. 56 00:05:19,520 --> 00:05:24,640 Low control, we feel stuck. Anger often comes from this feeling that we could influence the 57 00:05:24,640 --> 00:05:28,400 situation. Think of it like someone's constantly interrupting you while you're trying to give a 58 00:05:28,400 --> 00:05:34,480 presentation at work. That feeling of, hey, they should know better. This is controllable, 59 00:05:34,480 --> 00:05:39,200 and you've got every right to try and fix it. That's where anger comes in. And that example 60 00:05:39,200 --> 00:05:44,960 makes me think because it can be such a quick jump from anger to contempt, depending on how much 61 00:05:44,960 --> 00:05:49,440 control we actually feel we have. That's a great point. And the research actually backs that up. 62 00:05:49,440 --> 00:05:54,160 With anger, we feel like we can change things, but with contempt, it's almost like we've given up 63 00:05:54,160 --> 00:05:59,440 on that. So anger is more about action. Like they messed up, they better fix it. But contempt is more 64 00:05:59,440 --> 00:06:04,960 like this is just who they are and is pathetic. Exactly. We're judging their character, not just 65 00:06:04,960 --> 00:06:11,280 their actions. Okay, so where does hate fit into this whole spectrum? If anger is about having some 66 00:06:11,280 --> 00:06:16,880 control and contempt is about having less, what happens when it simmers and turns into hate? 67 00:06:17,760 --> 00:06:22,960 Hate. It's a heavy word, right? Like there's so much darkness to it. We've talked about anger 68 00:06:22,960 --> 00:06:28,160 wanting to change things, even contempt, where you just shut down, shut people out. But hate, 69 00:06:28,720 --> 00:06:32,800 it feels different like it's in its own category completely. You're hitting the nail on the head 70 00:06:32,800 --> 00:06:37,440 there. It's not just anger amplified. You know, researchers, folks like Fisher, Halperin, 71 00:06:37,440 --> 00:06:41,120 Canetti, Giussini, they've been saying this for a while. It's his own thing, 72 00:06:41,120 --> 00:06:46,080 distinct from anger or contempt. It's not a one time thing. It's a pattern of being hurt by someone 73 00:06:46,080 --> 00:06:51,200 or something. Yeah, exactly. And that can be incredibly disempowering, being hurt over and 74 00:06:51,200 --> 00:06:57,600 over. But even in hate, there might still be a desire for revenge or a need to distance ourselves 75 00:06:57,600 --> 00:07:02,640 from the threat. So even in that really dark place, our brains are still searching for some 76 00:07:02,640 --> 00:07:08,800 way to regain control, even if it's unhealthy. Hate often builds after someone's been hurt 77 00:07:08,800 --> 00:07:13,920 repeatedly or betrayed stuff that really chips away at feeling safe and trusting. It goes even 78 00:07:13,920 --> 00:07:19,440 further than that. Way further. With hate. It's not about changing the other person. It's not about 79 00:07:19,440 --> 00:07:24,880 distance. It's about wanting them gone. Wow. Okay. So what does that actually look like? Gone? 80 00:07:25,600 --> 00:07:29,680 It can take a lot of forms, actually. Sometimes it's mental. You just erase that person in your 81 00:07:29,680 --> 00:07:34,720 mind or it can be social, like trying to get them kicked out of a group, spreading rumors. 82 00:07:34,720 --> 00:07:40,400 And then the worst case is hate turns physical, wanting to actually hurt them, even get rid of 83 00:07:40,400 --> 00:07:45,840 them completely. That's really scary, honestly. It's like hate takes away any ability to see 84 00:07:45,840 --> 00:07:50,320 the other person as a person, right? They're just a threat and that's it. And the really messed up 85 00:07:50,320 --> 00:07:55,120 part is hate often takes root when we feel powerless. Remember when we were talking about 86 00:07:55,120 --> 00:07:59,360 control potential with anger and content? Yeah, well, hate, it seems to pop up when that control 87 00:07:59,360 --> 00:08:05,520 is gone. So just to make sure I'm following, anger, it needs that belief that we can change things. 88 00:08:05,520 --> 00:08:10,480 Contempt, that's when we hit a wall, feel like we can't. But hate comes in when there's zero control, 89 00:08:10,480 --> 00:08:15,680 zero hope of things getting better. You got it. Think about it. If you believe you can change 90 00:08:15,680 --> 00:08:21,200 something, even if it's a small chance, you might stay angry or even contemptuous, but there's still 91 00:08:21,200 --> 00:08:27,200 that little bit of agency there, like you have some impact. But when that belief is gone, when it 92 00:08:27,200 --> 00:08:33,680 feels like you have no control over the situation, over your own pain, that's when hate can take over. 93 00:08:33,680 --> 00:08:39,120 So in a way, hate is like this last ditch effort, right? A desperate attempt to protect ourselves 94 00:08:39,120 --> 00:08:43,440 when we feel totally helpless to fight back any other way. Makes you wonder, though, 95 00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:48,240 could you actually dismantle hate somehow by changing those thought patterns? Like if you could 96 00:08:48,240 --> 00:08:52,880 help someone feel more in control or change how they see the other person. That is the question 97 00:08:52,880 --> 00:08:57,280 researchers are trying to figure out. Can you really change someone's deeply held beliefs about 98 00:08:57,280 --> 00:09:02,080 another person or group? Especially when those beliefs, they're based in fear, feeling powerless, 99 00:09:02,080 --> 00:09:06,400 feeling threatened. And it speaks to how deeply rooted these emotions are, how they might have 100 00:09:06,400 --> 00:09:12,160 actually helped our ancestors survive in a tribal setting. What's a connection there between these 101 00:09:12,160 --> 00:09:18,800 strong emotions and our tribal past? Think about it back then. Survival was all about working together 102 00:09:18,800 --> 00:09:24,960 and spotting danger, right? Anger in its most basic form could have been crucial for keeping people 103 00:09:24,960 --> 00:09:30,400 in line. Like a warning system. Hey, this behavior is not okay. Stop it. Right. Essential for keeping 104 00:09:30,400 --> 00:09:35,120 order and protecting the group from threats within. Contempt, though, that might have been how they 105 00:09:35,120 --> 00:09:39,680 identified people who just weren't reliable, maybe even dangerous to the tribe. So by letting others 106 00:09:39,680 --> 00:09:45,120 know someone was untrustworthy, they avoided potential harm, kept the group stable. Exactly. 107 00:09:45,120 --> 00:09:50,560 It's fascinating emotions we see as negative today were probably critical for survival back then. 108 00:09:50,560 --> 00:09:56,240 And even hate as intense and destructive as it is. It would have had a purpose too. Okay, so if 109 00:09:56,240 --> 00:10:01,520 anger was the warning, contempt was the label. What about hate? What was its role in this primal 110 00:10:01,520 --> 00:10:08,320 setup? Hate. Well, that probably meant someone was a serious ongoing danger. Individuals or even 111 00:10:08,320 --> 00:10:14,160 rivals groups who kept causing harm, betraying trust, putting the whole tribe at risk. So not 112 00:10:14,160 --> 00:10:19,200 just someone making a mistake, but a constant threat to everyone. Exactly. And in those situations, 113 00:10:19,200 --> 00:10:24,000 hate might have been the fuel for extreme measures, kicking someone out, banishment, even more 114 00:10:24,000 --> 00:10:29,680 drastic stuff. The stakes were high. And those emotions, even the ones we see as super negative 115 00:10:29,680 --> 00:10:34,240 now, we're likely there to protect the group, make sure it survived. It's a pretty intense way to 116 00:10:34,240 --> 00:10:39,280 think about the emotions we inherit, isn't it? Our appraisals play a huge role in shaping our 117 00:10:39,280 --> 00:10:44,560 emotional responses. But they're part of who we are, you know? So as we wrap up this deep dive into 118 00:10:45,280 --> 00:10:52,320 anger, contempt, hate, all that messy, fascinating stuff, what's the one thing you want our listener 119 00:10:52,320 --> 00:10:59,680 to take away from all this? Hmm. I'd say, stay curious. Stay curious about your emotions. Don't 120 00:10:59,680 --> 00:11:04,560 be afraid to actually explore them, even the ones that make you squirm a little. It's not about 121 00:11:04,560 --> 00:11:08,560 being ashamed or trying to bury them. It's more like they're signals, right? Yeah. Trying to tell 122 00:11:08,560 --> 00:11:13,600 us something. Exactly. Guideposts almost on that journey of figuring ourselves out. It's about 123 00:11:13,600 --> 00:11:18,640 turning toward those feelings, even the intense ones, and using them as opportunities to learn 124 00:11:18,640 --> 00:11:23,680 and grow. 100%. And you're not alone in this. We all feel these things. They're part of what 125 00:11:23,680 --> 00:11:28,240 makes us human. So next time you feel that anger bubbling up, that contempt creeping in, even that 126 00:11:28,240 --> 00:11:33,200 little flicker of hate, ask yourself, what is this telling me about my values, my aspirations, 127 00:11:33,200 --> 00:11:38,720 my insecurities? It's like holding up a mirror to our own inner landscape. Not always pretty, 128 00:11:38,720 --> 00:11:43,920 but definitely eliminating. Well, this has been awesome. It's amazing how much we can learn from 129 00:11:43,920 --> 00:11:48,960 the emotions that we usually try to just avoid thinking about. It's true. So to our awesome 130 00:11:48,960 --> 00:11:54,160 listeners out there, thank you so much for joining us for this emotional roller coaster. And remember, 131 00:11:54,160 --> 00:11:59,040 this is really just the beginning of the exploration. Keep questioning, keep reflecting, 132 00:11:59,040 --> 00:12:25,040 and stay curious about this fascinating world of human emotion until next time.