Emotional bites. It's not therapy. It's a conversation.
So you've brought quite the topic for us to dive into today.
Yeah.
Limerence.
It is fascinating.
It really is. And we've got a stack of sources here.
We do.
Everything from clinical research to like personal stories.
So it seems like we're going beyond just your average crush here.
Well, and that's what's so intriguing about it is that it feels deeply personal, right?
Like it's the secret world we carry within.
But then when you look at the research, it follows these surprisingly universal patterns.
I know. It's like you think you're the only one going through it.
And then you learn there's a name for it.
There's all this research.
A light bulb moment.
Exactly.
So to get us started, let's dive right into a real life example from one of the studies.
We'll call her Sarah.
Sarah found herself completely fixated on a colleague to the point where she couldn't even focus at work.
She would analyze every interaction they had, every email, every glance.
Like she was convinced there was this hidden meaning in everything.
Oh, we've all been there.
Yeah.
I mean, maybe not to that extreme, but over analyzing every little thing.
Yeah.
But with limerence, it's like that times a hundred.
It's not just daydreaming.
It's intrusive.
You can't escape it.
Right.
It consumes your every thought.
And that brings us to a key characteristic of limerence, this intrusive thinking about the object of your affection.
Or as it's called in the research, the limerent object.
The limerent object.
It does have a certain ring to it.
We'll give you that.
So basically, this person takes center stage in your mind.
Even if they have no clue about the whole production you've got going on in your head.
Exactly.
And it goes beyond just wanting to be with them.
Every single action or even inaction on their part sets off this emotional roller coaster.
Oh, the famous limerence roller coaster.
We have to unpack that.
What's driving these dramatic highs and lows?
Okay.
So picture this.
You're glued to your phone, waiting for them to text back.
And when they finally do, it's like this rush of euphoria.
You've won the emotional lottery.
But then they cancel your dinner plans and suddenly you're in despair.
Oh, I felt that in my chest.
And it's not just about a text or a canceled date, right?
It's like their mere presence or absence has this hold over you.
Exactly.
Their entire being can dictate your emotional state.
And here's another fascinating thing about limerence.
Uncertainty.
It just fuels the fire.
Oh yeah.
Think about it.
Even if you create obstacles or play hard to get, it often just intensifies the limerence.
So the less attainable they seem, the more our brains latch on.
We fill in the blanks with these idealized fantasies.
Exactly.
It's a total paradox.
And this is where limerence often gets mistaken for love.
Because both involve strong feelings, but they show it very differently.
Okay.
So then how do we tell the difference?
How is limerence different from the kind of love that makes for a healthy long-term relationship?
Well, that kind of lasting love is usually based on what psychologists call affectional bonding.
Affectional bonding.
Yeah.
It's about building a connection on things like shared values, mutual respect, truly caring
for the other person's well-being, not so much the intensity and uncertainty of limerence.
So it's less about the initial excitement and more about a solid foundation.
Exactly.
It's more about the companionship, the journey together than the chase.
That makes a lot of sense.
Yeah.
But I'm guessing it's possible to have both in a relationship.
Like maybe that initial spark of limerence turns into something deeper over time.
Absolutely, and that's what's so great about understanding these concepts.
It helps us make sense of our own experiences.
Yeah.
It's like we're learning a whole new language for our emotions.
Speaking of which, remember those aha moments we promised our listeners?
What's something truly surprising about limerence that might change how they see it?
Well, get this.
You might be surprised to know that.
Limerence can be triggered by the most insignificant things.
Imagine becoming fixated on someone just because you find their handwriting attractive.
Their handwriting.
Really?
You'd be amazed.
Okay, I mean, I guess I can see it.
Like there's something about the way they shape their letters, the pressure they use.
And suddenly becomes this big deal because you're looking at it through the lens of limerence.
Precisely.
It shows how much of limerence is about projection.
We're not necessarily drawn to the actual person, but to this whole narrative we've built around them in our minds.
Fascinating.
It's like they become this blank canvas for our own desires, fantasies and longings.
And because they usually have no idea about this whole internal drama, the limerence just keeps growing.
Exactly.
It's a cycle that feeds itself.
Wow, the more we dig into this, the more intricate it gets.
So we've got these seemingly insignificant triggers, this need for uncertainty and these intense emotional swings.
But what about how we actually act when we're in the throes of limerence?
Well, now that's where things get really interesting.
Limerence can make us do things we never thought possible, both the good and maybe not so good.
Okay, spill the tea.
What kind of behavioral roller coaster are we talking about here?
Well, for one thing, it can bring out incredible generosity and selflessness.
Like we might shower the limerent object with gifts, go out of our way to do them favors, even put their needs above our own.
All in the hopes of winning them over, of course.
So that classic love-struck behavior we see in the movies.
Exactly.
Going above and beyond to impress the object of our affection.
Exactly, except in real life, it's usually not as glamorous as the movies make it seem.
And that's where the flip side comes in.
Limerence can also make those less desirable qualities come out.
The jealousy, the possessiveness, even obsessive behaviors.
Right, because when your whole world revolves around this one person,
any little thing that feels like a threat to that connection, real or imagined, can feel like the end of the world.
Exactly.
And that's where things can become a bit unhealthy.
One of the personal accounts you shared talked about how the writer was so consumed by limerence that they were constantly checking their alos social media,
even creating fake profiles just to get a glimpse into their life.
Wow, that's intense.
It really shows how limerence can mess with our perceptions and behaviors.
Absolutely.
And sometimes it can even lead to more extreme actions, like stalking or harassment.
Though it's important to remember these are just potential risks, not inevitable outcomes.
Right, it's not like everyone who experiences limerence is going to become a stalker,
but it's definitely something to be aware of.
Exactly.
Which brings us to another important point.
What happens when limerence isn't reciprocated?
Because let's be real, not every infatuation turns into a love story.
And that's got to be the hardest part, right?
Putting your heart out there only to be rejected.
Absolutely.
When limerence is met with indifference or rejection, it can be incredibly painful, even devastating.
All the symptoms we talked about, the intrusive thoughts, the mood swings,
they just get amplified when the feelings aren't mutual.
It's like that roller coaster we talked about just flies off the tracks, giving you a wreck.
That's a powerful way to put it.
And the aftermath can be really tough.
Many people say they feel a deep sake of loss, a hit to their self-esteem.
Some even go through a period of grief as they try to move on.
It makes sense when you think about it.
If you poured so much of yourself into this other person, it's going to leave a mark when it's over.
Precisely.
And this is where understanding the difference between limerence and love is so important.
Because with limerence, you're often not in love with the person themselves.
But with this idealized version you've created in your mind...
So when that idealized version doesn't match reality,
or the feelings aren't there on the other side, the disappointment can be even more intense.
Exactly.
And that can be a really difficult cycle to escape.
Which I'm guessing leads to the big question our listeners are wondering.
How do you actually move on from limerence?
Especially if it's causing you pain.
Is it even possible?
It's definitely not easy, but it is possible.
And like with any emotional challenge, the first step is awareness.
Knowing what you're dealing with.
Exactly.
Putting a name to it, recognizing the patterns.
Once you realize that what you're experiencing is limerence,
and not necessarily real love, you can start to regain some control.
Okay, so awareness is key.
But what about practical tips?
How do you actually deal with those intense feelings and move on?
Well, one thing that many people find helpful is to redirect that obsessive energy.
Instead of spending all your time analyzing their every move,
channel that energy into something positive.
Like a creative outlet, a new hobby, or even reconnecting with friends and family.
So basically anything that shifts your focus outwards,
away from that internal limerence loop.
Exactly.
You're retraining your brain to find joy and fulfillment in other areas of your life.
Precisely.
And for some people, seeking professional help can be beneficial,
whether it's therapy or joining a support group.
That makes sense, especially if the limerence is really affecting your daily life.
Absolutely.
A therapist can give you tools to handle those intense emotions,
and help you develop healthier relationship patterns.
It's like having a guide to help you navigate those choppy emotional waters.
Precisely.
And speaking of navigating, there's another aspect of limerence we haven't explored yet.
The societal side of things.
Ah, because we don't experience limerence in a vacuum, do we?
Our culture, the media, our whole social fabric shapes how we see and experience it.
Exactly.
Think about it.
From fairy tales to romantic comedies, from love songs to dating apps,
we're constantly bombarded with messages that glorify intense longing.
Like it's the ultimate goal of romance.
Right.
We're almost taught to believe that if it doesn't consume you, it's not real love.
Exactly.
And this cultural fascination with limerence, well, it can be both captivating and kind of messed up.
Okay, so how does our culture both encourage and exploit this very human experience?
Well, on the one hand, it normalizes those intense feelings.
Like it's totally fine to be head over heels for someone to put them on a pedestal.
Which can be exciting.
It's those butterflies in your stomach that can't eat, can't sleep feeling,
that often fuels those passionate beginnings.
Precisely.
But on the flip side, our culture often glamorizes the chase.
The uncertainty that will they or won't they dynamic, that keeps us hooked.
And that's where things can go south, right?
Because that intensity is rarely sustainable long term.
Exactly.
And it can set us up for disappointment, heartbreak, even unhealthy relationships
if we're constantly looking for that initial limerence high.
It's like we're always chasing a feeling that's meant to fade.
Instead of building something real and lasting.
Exactly.
And this brings up a really interesting question.
Are we almost being tricked into needing this constant state of longing and desire?
I mean, there are entire industries built around keeping us in that state.
Well, anything makes you think, doesn't it?
Because we all crave connection and romance and that spark of attraction.
But are we being played by marketing and movies and societal norms?
It's a tough one to figure out.
It really is.
This goes to show how important it is to think for ourselves,
to question the messages we're constantly being fed.
Yeah.
Especially when it comes to matters of the heart.
Exactly.
Because when we're aware, we can make better choices.
We can build relationships that are based on real connection and respect,
instead of just fleeting infatuation or what we think we're supposed to feel.
I'm totally with you there.
So as we wrap up this deep dive into the world of lemurence,
what's the one thing you hope our listeners take away from all of this?
What's that gem of wisdom that might help them navigate their own experiences?
You know, I think the most important thing to remember is that
lemurence might be powerful, but it doesn't control your destiny.
Just because you feel those intense feelings doesn't mean you're powerless against them.
So it's not a life sentence of being ruled by these emotions.
Not at all.
Once you understand what lemurence is and you start to recognize those patterns in yourself,
you can start to take back control.
It's about understanding what's going on and making conscious choices about how to respond.
Exactly.
And for anyone listening who's never experienced this kind of all-consuming lemurence,
the non-limurence, as they're sometimes called,
just remember that lemurence is a real and powerful thing.
And it can have a huge impact on people's lives.
So if someone you know is going through it, try to be understanding,
even if their behavior doesn't make sense to you.
Because they're not always in the driver's seat when it comes to these feelings.
Exactly.
And who knows, maybe understanding lemurence, even if you don't experience it yourself,
will give you a whole new perspective on just how complex human emotions can be.
That's a great point.
At the end of the day, love and attraction and all their messy glory are what make us human.
They really are.
And lemurence with all its contradictions and complexities is just another piece of that human puzzle.
Well said.
And on that note, we've come to the end of our deep dive into the fascinating,
perplexing, and often turbulent world of lemurence.
We've talked about what triggers it, what it looks like, potential downsides,
and even how society plays a role.
And like any good deep dive, we're left with even more questions than answers.
But I think that's a good thing.
It keeps the conversation going.
It encourages us to keep learning.
And it reminds us that even when it comes to intense emotions,
there's always more to uncover.
I like that.
So until next time, keep those brains engaged, keep those hearts open and remember,
whether it's lemurence or love or any other emotional wave that comes your way,
you have the power to choose how you write it.