Emotional bites. It's not therapy. It's a conversation.
Music
Ever catch yourself like reacting in a relationship and it's like, whoa, where'd that come from?
Yeah. Like you're on autopilot or something?
Well, today's deep dive is all about hitting pause on that autopilot.
Yep.
We're going to like decode those emotional responses and figure out how they're connected to, you know, who we are in relationships.
Right.
It's fascinating stuff, actually.
It is. You know, we often just go through life reacting without realizing those reactions, those emotional responses are really rooted in our history.
Like our brains are running old software, but the situation needs an upgrade.
Exactly.
Well, imagine like you had a friend growing up who like never kept promises.
Ouch. Yeah.
Always let you down.
Now, fast forward, you're in a relationship and your partner forgets, you know, something, a commitment.
Maybe they didn't mean anything by it.
Right.
But suddenly that old experience.
Yeah.
It like amplifies your reaction.
It all comes flooding back.
Exactly.
Wow. So how do we like bridge that gap then between past experiences and how we react today?
That is where understanding our emotional schemas is super important.
Okay.
These are like formed by those early events that really influence how we approach love, intimacy, conflict, all the messy stuff that comes with relationships.
So instead of just like reacting on instinct, we can actually what learn to spot those blueprints and understand them.
Exactly.
Recognizing those patterns.
Why am I reacting this way?
Is it's really just about this one thing or is there something deeper?
It's like being your own emotional detective.
Yes.
Like that saying self-awareness is the first step to all change.
So we're not like stuck with these blueprints forever, are we?
No, no, not at all.
We can actually like rewrite them to have healthier patterns in our relationships.
Exactly. It's like, you know, learning a new language, right?
Okay.
Once you understand the grammar, you can communicate more effectively.
So with emotions, by understanding those schemas, we can actually choose our responses consciously.
Okay. I like that.
So how does that actually play out like in a conversation with our partner?
So imagine instead of just reacting, you're able to say, hey, when you did X, it triggered this response in me because of why from my past.
This isn't just about this one time.
It's like a pattern for me.
Right.
Which is so different from, ugh, you always do this.
Exactly.
It's like, I don't think I've ever said that.
Well, we've all been there, right?
Maybe.
But now, because we understand the why, it's like...
It changes everything.
We can actually communicate our needs and boundaries, but like in a healthier way.
Yes. With more empathy, for sure.
Because it shifts that dynamic from blame and accusation to really trying to understand one another and collaborate.
So it's less about like pointing fingers, more about building bridges.
Exactly.
And when both people are committed to understanding their own blueprints, it creates such a strong foundation for a relationship to grow.
Okay, I'm sold.
But how do we actually put this into practice?
How do we uncover those deeper patterns?
It starts with just like noticing.
Notice those recurring reactions.
Like what are your triggers?
What are those things that just set you off?
Okay.
What are your go-to coping mechanisms, you know?
Oh, when I'm stressed, I clean.
Like a lot.
There you go.
Yeah.
So you're recognizing a pattern, right?
Right.
Now ask yourselves, is this reaction like proportionate to what's happening?
Or is there something else fueling it?
And often those deeper some things are linked back to those early experiences.
We're trying to find those clues from our past to understand why we act the way we do now.
And remember, this isn't about blaming your past.
It's not an excuse.
It's about awareness so you can make more conscious choices.
It's about taking control.
Yes.
Take ownership of your emotional well-being and show up as your best self in those relationships.
I love that.
So it's like we've got this instruction manual to our own emotions now.
And the more we get it, the better we'll be in our relationships.
Absolutely.
And until we really look at those patterns, we're kind of stumbling in the dark.
Okay.
So awareness is key.
But how do we actually like get there?
What's a good first step for listeners?
You know, one powerful thing is to become what I call a curious observer of your thoughts and feelings.
So like next time you feel that strong emotion, maybe anger, anxiety, whatever it is, jealousy, just pause.
Just notice it.
Don't judge it.
Don't try to change it.
Just observe it.
Just be curious about it.
And one of the most valuable tools we have for this is mindfulness.
Mindfulness.
Okay.
So before you tell me to go find a mountaintop and meditate for hours on end.
Right.
What's the like the non guru version of this?
How do we actually apply mindfulness in the context of these emotional patterns?
Well, it's simpler than you might think.
It's really about hitting pause just for a moment on that autopilot reaction and bringing a gentle curious attention to what's happening within us.
So the next time I'm ready to like erupt like a volcano because my partner left their socks on the floor again.
Exactly.
Instead of launching into, you know, the usual lecture, you might pause and just notice what sensations are you feeling in your body?
Is your chest tight?
Are you clenching your jaw?
Interesting.
What thoughts are swirling around in your mind?
Okay.
Are you interpreting this as like a personal attack?
A sign of disrespect or is it, you know, just a sock on the floor?
Right.
Just a sock.
Right.
Okay.
So it's about noticing those feelings and thoughts without judgment.
We're just observing them under a microscope.
Exactly.
And as you do this, you'll begin to see patterns emerge.
Maybe you'll notice that feeling of frustration, it always comes with this like a side of not feeling heard.
Oh, interesting.
Or that wave of anxiety you get.
It's often linked to like a fear of being judged or criticized.
It's like those aha moments when we finally uncover the deeper roots of those reactions.
Yes.
That's where the real detective work gets interesting, right?
Pingo. And sometimes we're not even reacting to the present moment.
We're reacting to echoes of those early blueprints.
And that gives you such valuable clues to those schemas, you know.
So those schemas really hold like a key to understanding how we connect with people.
They really do.
Yeah.
And here's another thing to think about.
You know, while those schemas are shaped by our own individual experiences, right?
Right.
Those core emotional needs, like that longing for connection, for validation security.
Yeah.
Those are universal.
They are.
We're all wired for that.
It's like we focus on the differences, but we all just want the same things deep down.
Yeah.
So next time you're in a conflict, try tapping into that, you know.
Like what's the unmet need driving their behavior?
You might be surprised at the empathy that comes up just from that little shift.
It's less about judging, more about understanding, right?
Like where they're coming from.
Totally.
We're all in this journey together, right?
We are.
And the answer really lies in remembering that relationships are a two-way street.
It's not just about us, right?
Oh, good point.
Just as we've been uncovering these, you know, hidden blueprints within ourselves, the people
we're in relationships with, well, they've got their own blueprints too, you know.
So it's not just about like decoding our own emotional software.
It's about recognizing that our partners, our friends, our family, everyone's running
their own unique programs.
Exactly.
And, you know, just like those mismatched software updates that we were talking about
earlier, sometimes those different blueprints, they can lead to crashes, conflicts.
Okay, that makes a lot of sense.
But how do we actually bridge that gap?
How do we move from blueprint clashes to like, I don't know, building those stronger connections?
Well, I think it starts with a shift in perspective.
Instead of approaching conflict, you know, with blame and accusation, we want to put on
our detective hat.
I love my detective hat.
Right.
We approach it with curiosity and empathy.
So instead of saying, why are you doing this to me?
We're saying, help me understand, like, why is this such a sensitive issue for you?
Yes, you're getting it.
When we start asking questions, when we genuinely try to understand each other's blueprints,
that's when we open the door for deeper connection, more intimacy.
This is where we start to see the real magic of rewriting those old blueprints, right?
Absolutely.
Because as we understand our own patterns and the patterns of the people we love, we can
start to communicate our needs more effectively.
We can set healthier boundaries, and we begin to create relationships that are, you know,
built on this foundation of mutual understanding and respect.
It's not about trying to change our partners or like mold them into some, I don't know,
ideal version of themselves.
It's about showing up with our own emotional awareness and inviting them to do the same.
Beautifully said.
It's a lifelong dance, this journey of self-discovery and connection, but it's in that dance that
we really discover the true potential of our relationships.
This has been so insightful.
I feel like I've, like, graduated from emotional detective school.
But before we wrap up, I want to circle back to something you mentioned earlier about those
universal needs for connection, validation, security.
It's like, even though we all have these unique blueprints, deep down, we're all yearning for
those same things.
100%.
But what about those times, and I think we've all been there, where the emotions feel so
big and so overwhelming that we can't seem to hit the pause button?
You know what I mean?
Right.
Like, we get swept away in the current before we even realize what's happening.
Oh, absolutely.
And you know, those big emotional waves, that's part of being human.
Of course, yeah.
And that's where compassion comes in.
It's about being kind, recognizing that we're all works in progress on this journey of emotional
intelligence, right?
Yeah.
And remembering that shared humanity, it can be incredibly grounding, especially in those
moments when we feel disconnected or misunderstood.
We're all in this together, figuring things out, one emotional clue at a time.
So true.
Remember, those emotions, they're not the enemy.
Right.
They're your teachers.
Well, that's a wrap for today's deep dive.
We really got into those emotions, huh?
We talked about how our past experiences affect our relationships today, unpacked those emotional
schemas, gave you some tools to understand yourselves better.
Hopefully, you're feeling a bit more equipped to decode those emotions now.
Until next time, happy decoding.
And most importantly, stay curious.