Emotional bites. It's not therapy. It's a conversation.
All right, so today we are diving deep into attachment theory.
Okay.
You've sent in a ton of articles about it.
And it's some pretty interesting stuff about how our early bonds, like with our parents,
can have like a ripple effect throughout our lives.
We're going to talk about cross-cultural comparisons, links to like self-harm and
emotional intelligence, the whole shebang.
It's really fascinating stuff. And one of the things that I think is so wild is that
we carry these blueprints from childhood that affect how we approach all kinds of relationships.
You know, romantic relationships, friendships, even in the workplace.
Yeah.
Like this hidden operating system we don't even realize is running in the background.
Absolutely. And I think we've all had that moment where you get in like an argument with someone
and you're like, is this my attachment style or is this their attachment style?
100%. Like where is this coming from?
Yeah. And it's funny because so much of the time it really is coming from that place.
So let's start with the basics for people who are like attachment theory 101.
Yeah. So I think the best place to start is with Bulby and Ainsworth.
Okay.
Bulby kind of started this whole thing back in the day.
And he said that infants are basically hardwired to seek out their caregivers,
especially when they're stressed, pure survival instinct.
Right.
And then Ainsworth kind of picks up the ball with her strange situation experiments,
observing how babies react when they're separated from and reunited with their caregivers.
And those were like groundbreaking.
Groundbreaking.
Because it showed these different attachment styles in action.
Exactly.
And I think-
Like actually happening.
Yeah. And you know, we see this even as adults.
Yeah.
The secure, the anxious, the avoidant, disorganized.
Totally. And it's so interesting to see how that manifests.
So like with the strange situation, right? Imagine the caregiver briefly leaves the room.
Okay.
A securely attached child might get a bit fussy, but they calm down quickly when the caregiver returns.
Easily soothed.
Okay.
They trust that their caregiver will come back.
Right.
Then you've got the anxiously attached child who's clingy even before the separation.
Oh, yeah.
And becomes super distressed when the caregiver leaves.
And then when the caregiver comes back, it's this mix of like clinging and resistance.
Almost like they can't decide whether to grab on or push away.
Oh, it's heartbreaking.
Yeah.
Because it's like they so desperately want that reassurance, but don't trust it.
Yes.
At all.
Exactly. And then on the other end of the spectrum, you have the avoidant child who appears indifferent
to both the separation and the reunion.
Right.
But it's not that they don't care.
Right.
Studies show their heart rates are through the roof.
Yeah.
You've just learned to suppress those emotions.
Then to suppress.
They may even seem incredibly independent on the surface.
Right.
But it's often a mask for this deep fear of rejection.
Totally.
And then finally, there's the disorganized attachment style.
Right.
Often seen in kids who've experienced trauma or inconsistent caregiving.
Their reactions are all over the place, freezing, approaching, then retreating,
even showing fear towards their caregiver.
Wow.
It reflects a real breakdown in those core attachment behaviors.
So you sent in some research about how these patterns even show up differently across cultures.
Absolutely.
Which I thought was fascinating.
Yeah.
So one study looked at how adults in Spanish, Italian, and Japanese cultures experience
attachment using something called the ASQ questionnaire.
And get this, the Japanese participants on average scored higher on discomfort with closeness.
Interesting.
Compared to the Spanish and Italian groups.
That is really interesting.
And you know what's so fascinating about that is that it challenges this assumption
that discomfort with closeness equals a lack of need for connection.
Because in collectivist cultures like Japan, those needs might be expressed and met in different
ways.
Perhaps through shared responsibilities or unspoken understanding.
Right.
Rather than overt displays of affection.
So it's almost like those cultural norms add another layer of how this actually shows up.
100%.
And that's where I think this idea internal working models comes in.
Okay.
Think of it as like a set of beliefs and expectations about ourselves and others in
relationships shaped by our earliest experiences.
These models act like filters, coloring how we perceive and react in all our relationships.
So if those early experiences create the blueprint, what does that mean for us?
Right.
Later in life.
That's the million dollar question, isn't it?
Yeah.
Right.
Because are we stuck with these patterns forever?
So while those early bonds lay the foundation, thankfully, they don't completely determine our
destiny.
Okay, good.
But before we get to the hopeful stuff, the ways we can actually shift these patterns,
let's talk about some of the potential downsides of insecure attachment.
Because you sent some pretty eye-opening studies.
Yeah.
Linking insecure attachment to things like self-harm.
Yeah.
And even like controlling behaviors and romantic relationships.
Absolutely.
And one study found that a significant percentage of college students admitted to using controlling
behaviors.
I know.
Often without even realizing it.
That's a little alarming.
It is alarming.
Yeah, but when you understand that these behaviors often stem from this deep-seated fear of rejection,
right, it starts to make a lot of sense.
So if someone with anxious attachment might resort to control as a way to try to feel safer in the
relationship.
Right. So it's coming from this place of insecurity.
Exactly.
And then someone with an avoidance style might shut down emotionally or create distance as a
way to protect themselves from getting hurt.
Right. It's like those old patterns just come right back up.
They rear their heads when we feel threatened or insecure.
Totally.
Even if those behaviors ultimately sabotage the very connection we crave.
Which is so interesting because it's like we think these behaviors are going to make us feel better.
Right.
But they end up.
Totally backfiring.
And that's where self-compassion becomes so crucial.
Okay, wait. Self-compassion.
Yeah.
I feel like when we think about relationship issues, especially ones that are rooted in this like
insecure attachment.
Yeah.
Self-compassion might not be the first thing that comes to mind.
Right. It might seem counterintuitive, but.
It's in the set.
It might seem counterintuitive, but self-compassion is like building that secure base within ourselves
that we might have missed out on earlier in life.
Research shows that it can actually act as a buffer against the negative impacts of insecure attachment.
So instead of beating ourselves up for those old patterns, it's about treating ourselves with the same
kindness and understanding that we would offer a good friend.
Exactly. It's about recognizing that everyone makes mistakes, everyone feels insecure sometimes,
and that those imperfections don't define us.
When we can be kind to ourselves, we're less likely to fall into those traps of seeking validation externally
or pushing others away out of fear.
So it's about rewriting those internal working models, those blueprints that were laid down in childhood.
But how much can we really change those as adults?
If someone's listening and thinking, okay, my childhood wasn't exactly the poster child for secure attachment.
Am I doomed to repeat those patterns forever?
What would you say to them?
I'd say this. Your brain is capable of incredible change, even well into adulthood.
Those early experiences might have created the initial pathways, but you're not stuck on that same track forever.
Therapy can be incredibly helpful.
A skilled therapist can provide a safe space to process those early experiences and build new healthier relationship patterns.
So it's like therapy can offer a sort of corrective emotional experience, right?
You're interacting with someone who's attuned to your needs, who responds consistently and empathetically,
and that can start to shift those old beliefs about relationships.
It's like learning a new language.
At first, it feels foreign and uncomfortable, but with practice and consistent exposure,
you start to internalize those new ways of communicating and connecting.
And it's not just therapy.
Even small intentional changes in your daily life can make a difference.
Like what, give us some practical tips here.
We'll start by paying attention to those moments when those old insecure patterns rear their heads.
Do you withdraw when you feel vulnerable? Do you get overly jealous or possessive?
Just noticing those patterns without judgment is a huge first step.
I'm a big fan of journaling for that.
Just jotting down those thoughts and feelings that come up in those triggering moments.
It helps bring those unconscious patterns into conscious awareness.
Absolutely.
And once you've identified those patterns, you can start experimenting with new ways of responding.
If you tend towards avoidance, challenge yourself to open up to someone you trust,
even if it's just a little bit at a time.
If you lean towards anxiety, practice self soothing techniques
instead of immediately reaching out for reassurance from others.
So it's about taking small steps, building those new neural pathways,
improving those old beliefs wrong through repeated positive experiences.
It's not about erasing our past, but rather about creating new experiences that tell a different story.
Exactly. And remember, this is a journey, not a race.
There will be bumps along the way, moments when you fall back into old habits.
Be kind to yourself, learn from those setbacks and keep moving forward.
It's about going from feeling like a passenger on that runaway train of attachment patterns
to stepping into the role of the conductor.
You have more control than you think.
Right.
So for our listener, if they're thinking, okay, this is all fascinating,
but how does this actually play out in my everyday life?
Well, you sent in some really insightful questions about applying all of this to specific relationship dynamics.
So let's get into those.
Okay, so you guys sent in some really interesting questions about how attachment theory shows up
in different areas of life, like arguments, parenting, even dating.
Yeah.
So many good ones.
So let's dive in.
Let's go.
Okay, so first up, arguments.
You're wondering if there are any telltale signs that can help you navigate those heated moments
with a partner, a friend, a family member.
Because, I mean, haven't we all been there when like an argument starts escalating and you're like, oh, yeah.
Whoa, where is this even coming from?
Totally.
And it's like those attachment buttons get pushed.
Yes.
And suddenly we're not reacting to the present situation, but rather to those old patterns and fears.
Totally.
So let's say you're arguing with a partner who tends toward anxious attachment.
Okay.
You might notice them becoming very reactive.
Okay.
Maybe even accusing you of not caring or trying to leave.
Right, like that fear of abandonment just gets triggered and suddenly it's not about.
It's not about the dishes anymore.
It's not about the dishes.
Right.
It's about something way deeper.
Exactly.
And in those moments, the most helpful thing you can do is resist the urge to get defensive or withdraw.
Oh, that's hard.
Which can just escalate your insecurity.
Right.
Instead, try to respond with reassurance and empathy.
Okay.
Let them know that you hear their concerns and that you're not going anywhere.
So it's about meeting that need in that moment.
Exactly.
And showing them that like their feelings are valid even if you don't agree with whatever is happening.
100%.
What about arguing with someone who is avoidant?
So with avoidant attachment, you might notice the person shutting down.
Okay.
Getting quiet.
Maybe even physically leaving the room.
Yeah.
And it can be so tempting to chase after them.
Oh, yeah.
And they can't understand that they talk about it.
Right.
But that often just pushes them further away.
It does.
Because that need for space gets activated.
Yeah.
And anything that feels intrusive just intensifies that urge to withdraw.
So instead of chasing.
Okay.
Try giving them the space they need to process.
Okay.
Let them know that you're there for them when they're ready to talk.
Okay.
But don't force it.
Yeah.
Sometimes just saying, hey, I'm here whenever you're ready.
Right.
And make them feel safer than a whole lecture on the importance of communication.
Which is so counterintuitive because you're like, I feel like we need to talk about this.
Exactly.
But sometimes.
Space.
Space is what's needed.
It's actually the most important thing.
Yeah.
Okay.
So you also asked about how attachment styles show up in parenting.
Yes.
Which I think is a really big one because I think a lot of people listening are probably
their parents themselves are thinking about their own parents and how that's impacting
them.
It's fascinating how those patterns can get passed down through generation.
Totally.
Often unconsciously.
Yeah.
So let's say you have a parent with an anxious attachment style.
Okay.
They might be incredibly attuned to their child's needs, but also prone to overprotectedness.
Don't worry.
Hovering, struggling to let go as their child becomes more independent.
Because that letting go can almost feel like.
Like rejection.
Rejection.
Someone with that anxious attachment.
And it's like their own fears of abandonment get projected onto the parent-child bond.
And on the other side of that, someone who's more avoidant.
Yeah.
A parent with an avoidant attachment style might find it really challenging to tune in
to their child's emotional needs.
Oh, wow.
They might be uncomfortable with big displays of emotion or feel overwhelmed by a child
who's very clingy or demanding.
Because it's almost like they love their child so much, but they don't know how to.
Yeah.
But they might struggle to express it.
Express it.
In a way that the child can really feel and internalize.
And it's not about saying like, any of these parents are bad.
It's just.
Of course not.
These are just patterns that.
Exactly.
And most parents are doing the best they can with the resources and awareness they have.
Yeah.
The key takeaway here is that understanding these patterns can help us become more conscious
and intentional as parents.
Totally.
Even if we didn't have the most secure upbringing ourselves, we can still learn new ways of relating
to our children and break those cycles.
It's almost like giving our kids something that we didn't have.
Give them a chance to develop a more secure attachment style.
Totally.
Even if we're still working on our own.
Which I think is beautiful.
Okay.
So then last but not least.
Yeah.
Dating.
Romance.
Oh yeah.
The big one.
Right.
So many people wrote in about this.
And I think it's because we start to see how these patterns show up in our dating lives.
Totally.
And we're like, oh.
How do we break free from those old familiar patterns and attract healthier relationships?
Yes.
Is it even possible?
Of common concern.
Right.
Especially once you start understanding how those early blueprints can affect your choices.
Yeah.
Maybe you constantly find yourself drawn to emotionally unavailable partners.
Or maybe you sabotage relationships before they have a chance to deepen.
The good news is that awareness is the first step towards change.
And I think that's the point of that.
Because it's true.
You can't change what you don't acknowledge.
We've got it.
So let's say someone's listening and they tend to be anxiously attached.
In their relationships.
What's a good first step for them?
I'd say start by paying attention to those moments when those anxieties get triggered.
Okay.
Do you find yourself constantly seeking reassurance from potential partners?
Okay.
Do you get easily jealous or possessive?
Yeah.
Just noticing those patterns without judgment is huge.
And instead of trying to get those needs met externally.
Right.
Can you start to soothe yourself in those moments?
And for those who lean towards avoidance, start small.
Okay.
Challenge yourself to open up to someone you trust.
Even just a little bit.
See how it feels to let someone in to be vulnerable without shutting down or pushing them away?
It's like slowly retraining your brain.
Yes.
To choose connection over.
Over those old familiar defense mechanisms.
Yeah.
And I think no matter.
Yeah.
If you fall on that spectrum, the biggest takeaway is just be kind to yourself through this.
Absolutely.
This is a journey, not a destination.
And there will be bumps along the way.
And you're not broken.
Not at all.
You're not alone.
You're in good company.
You're in very good company.
Most definitely.
And you deserve all the love and connection that you desire.
100%.
And it starts with that self-awareness and that courage.
And that self-compassion.
So important.
Well, that is a wrap on this deep dive into attachment theory.
So fascinating.
It is so fascinating.
We'll see you next time for another deep dive into the world of human behavior.
And most importantly, stay curious.