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Emotional bites. It's not therapy. It's a conversation.

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All right, so today we are diving deep into attachment theory.

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Okay.

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You've sent in a ton of articles about it.

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And it's some pretty interesting stuff about how our early bonds, like with our parents,

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can have like a ripple effect throughout our lives.

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We're going to talk about cross-cultural comparisons, links to like self-harm and

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emotional intelligence, the whole shebang.

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It's really fascinating stuff. And one of the things that I think is so wild is that

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we carry these blueprints from childhood that affect how we approach all kinds of relationships.

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You know, romantic relationships, friendships, even in the workplace.

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Yeah.

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Like this hidden operating system we don't even realize is running in the background.

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Absolutely. And I think we've all had that moment where you get in like an argument with someone

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and you're like, is this my attachment style or is this their attachment style?

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100%. Like where is this coming from?

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Yeah. And it's funny because so much of the time it really is coming from that place.

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So let's start with the basics for people who are like attachment theory 101.

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Yeah. So I think the best place to start is with Bulby and Ainsworth.

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Okay.

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Bulby kind of started this whole thing back in the day.

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And he said that infants are basically hardwired to seek out their caregivers,

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especially when they're stressed, pure survival instinct.

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Right.

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And then Ainsworth kind of picks up the ball with her strange situation experiments,

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observing how babies react when they're separated from and reunited with their caregivers.

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And those were like groundbreaking.

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Groundbreaking.

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Because it showed these different attachment styles in action.

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Exactly.

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And I think-

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Like actually happening.

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Yeah. And you know, we see this even as adults.

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Yeah.

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The secure, the anxious, the avoidant, disorganized.

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Totally. And it's so interesting to see how that manifests.

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So like with the strange situation, right? Imagine the caregiver briefly leaves the room.

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Okay.

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A securely attached child might get a bit fussy, but they calm down quickly when the caregiver returns.

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Easily soothed.

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Okay.

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They trust that their caregiver will come back.

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Right.

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Then you've got the anxiously attached child who's clingy even before the separation.

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Oh, yeah.

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And becomes super distressed when the caregiver leaves.

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And then when the caregiver comes back, it's this mix of like clinging and resistance.

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Almost like they can't decide whether to grab on or push away.

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Oh, it's heartbreaking.

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Yeah.

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Because it's like they so desperately want that reassurance, but don't trust it.

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Yes.

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At all.

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Exactly. And then on the other end of the spectrum, you have the avoidant child who appears indifferent

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to both the separation and the reunion.

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Right.

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But it's not that they don't care.

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Right.

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Studies show their heart rates are through the roof.

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Yeah.

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You've just learned to suppress those emotions.

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Then to suppress.

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They may even seem incredibly independent on the surface.

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Right.

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But it's often a mask for this deep fear of rejection.

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Totally.

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And then finally, there's the disorganized attachment style.

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Right.

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Often seen in kids who've experienced trauma or inconsistent caregiving.

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Their reactions are all over the place, freezing, approaching, then retreating,

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even showing fear towards their caregiver.

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Wow.

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It reflects a real breakdown in those core attachment behaviors.

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So you sent in some research about how these patterns even show up differently across cultures.

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Absolutely.

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Which I thought was fascinating.

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Yeah.

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So one study looked at how adults in Spanish, Italian, and Japanese cultures experience

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attachment using something called the ASQ questionnaire.

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And get this, the Japanese participants on average scored higher on discomfort with closeness.

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Interesting.

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Compared to the Spanish and Italian groups.

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That is really interesting.

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And you know what's so fascinating about that is that it challenges this assumption

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that discomfort with closeness equals a lack of need for connection.

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Because in collectivist cultures like Japan, those needs might be expressed and met in different

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ways.

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Perhaps through shared responsibilities or unspoken understanding.

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Right.

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Rather than overt displays of affection.

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So it's almost like those cultural norms add another layer of how this actually shows up.

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100%.

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And that's where I think this idea internal working models comes in.

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Okay.

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Think of it as like a set of beliefs and expectations about ourselves and others in

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relationships shaped by our earliest experiences.

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These models act like filters, coloring how we perceive and react in all our relationships.

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So if those early experiences create the blueprint, what does that mean for us?

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Right.

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Later in life.

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That's the million dollar question, isn't it?

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Yeah.

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Right.

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Because are we stuck with these patterns forever?

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So while those early bonds lay the foundation, thankfully, they don't completely determine our

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destiny.

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Okay, good.

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But before we get to the hopeful stuff, the ways we can actually shift these patterns,

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let's talk about some of the potential downsides of insecure attachment.

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Because you sent some pretty eye-opening studies.

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Yeah.

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Linking insecure attachment to things like self-harm.

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Yeah.

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And even like controlling behaviors and romantic relationships.

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Absolutely.

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And one study found that a significant percentage of college students admitted to using controlling

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behaviors.

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I know.

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Often without even realizing it.

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That's a little alarming.

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It is alarming.

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Yeah, but when you understand that these behaviors often stem from this deep-seated fear of rejection,

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right, it starts to make a lot of sense.

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So if someone with anxious attachment might resort to control as a way to try to feel safer in the

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relationship.

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Right. So it's coming from this place of insecurity.

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Exactly.

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And then someone with an avoidance style might shut down emotionally or create distance as a

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way to protect themselves from getting hurt.

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Right. It's like those old patterns just come right back up.

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They rear their heads when we feel threatened or insecure.

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Totally.

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Even if those behaviors ultimately sabotage the very connection we crave.

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Which is so interesting because it's like we think these behaviors are going to make us feel better.

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Right.

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But they end up.

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Totally backfiring.

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Totally backfiring.

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And that's where self-compassion becomes so crucial.

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Okay, wait. Self-compassion.

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Yeah.

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I feel like when we think about relationship issues, especially ones that are rooted in this like

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insecure attachment.

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Yeah.

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Self-compassion might not be the first thing that comes to mind.

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Right. It might seem counterintuitive, but.

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It's in the set.

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It might seem counterintuitive, but self-compassion is like building that secure base within ourselves

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that we might have missed out on earlier in life.

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Research shows that it can actually act as a buffer against the negative impacts of insecure attachment.

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So instead of beating ourselves up for those old patterns, it's about treating ourselves with the same

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kindness and understanding that we would offer a good friend.

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Exactly. It's about recognizing that everyone makes mistakes, everyone feels insecure sometimes,

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and that those imperfections don't define us.

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When we can be kind to ourselves, we're less likely to fall into those traps of seeking validation externally

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or pushing others away out of fear.

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So it's about rewriting those internal working models, those blueprints that were laid down in childhood.

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But how much can we really change those as adults?

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If someone's listening and thinking, okay, my childhood wasn't exactly the poster child for secure attachment.

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Am I doomed to repeat those patterns forever?

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What would you say to them?

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I'd say this. Your brain is capable of incredible change, even well into adulthood.

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Those early experiences might have created the initial pathways, but you're not stuck on that same track forever.

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Therapy can be incredibly helpful.

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A skilled therapist can provide a safe space to process those early experiences and build new healthier relationship patterns.

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So it's like therapy can offer a sort of corrective emotional experience, right?

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You're interacting with someone who's attuned to your needs, who responds consistently and empathetically,

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and that can start to shift those old beliefs about relationships.

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It's like learning a new language.

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At first, it feels foreign and uncomfortable, but with practice and consistent exposure,

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you start to internalize those new ways of communicating and connecting.

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And it's not just therapy.

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Even small intentional changes in your daily life can make a difference.

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Like what, give us some practical tips here.

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We'll start by paying attention to those moments when those old insecure patterns rear their heads.

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Do you withdraw when you feel vulnerable? Do you get overly jealous or possessive?

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Just noticing those patterns without judgment is a huge first step.

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I'm a big fan of journaling for that.

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Just jotting down those thoughts and feelings that come up in those triggering moments.

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It helps bring those unconscious patterns into conscious awareness.

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Absolutely.

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And once you've identified those patterns, you can start experimenting with new ways of responding.

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If you tend towards avoidance, challenge yourself to open up to someone you trust,

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even if it's just a little bit at a time.

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If you lean towards anxiety, practice self soothing techniques

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instead of immediately reaching out for reassurance from others.

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So it's about taking small steps, building those new neural pathways,

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improving those old beliefs wrong through repeated positive experiences.

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It's not about erasing our past, but rather about creating new experiences that tell a different story.

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Exactly. And remember, this is a journey, not a race.

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There will be bumps along the way, moments when you fall back into old habits.

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Be kind to yourself, learn from those setbacks and keep moving forward.

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It's about going from feeling like a passenger on that runaway train of attachment patterns

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to stepping into the role of the conductor.

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You have more control than you think.

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Right.

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So for our listener, if they're thinking, okay, this is all fascinating,

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but how does this actually play out in my everyday life?

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Well, you sent in some really insightful questions about applying all of this to specific relationship dynamics.

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So let's get into those.

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Okay, so you guys sent in some really interesting questions about how attachment theory shows up

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in different areas of life, like arguments, parenting, even dating.

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Yeah.

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So many good ones.

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So let's dive in.

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Let's go.

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Okay, so first up, arguments.

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You're wondering if there are any telltale signs that can help you navigate those heated moments

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with a partner, a friend, a family member.

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Because, I mean, haven't we all been there when like an argument starts escalating and you're like, oh, yeah.

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Whoa, where is this even coming from?

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Totally.

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And it's like those attachment buttons get pushed.

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Yes.

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And suddenly we're not reacting to the present situation, but rather to those old patterns and fears.

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Totally.

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So let's say you're arguing with a partner who tends toward anxious attachment.

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Okay.

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You might notice them becoming very reactive.

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Okay.

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Maybe even accusing you of not caring or trying to leave.

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Right, like that fear of abandonment just gets triggered and suddenly it's not about.

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It's not about the dishes anymore.

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It's not about the dishes.

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Right.

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It's about something way deeper.

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Exactly.

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And in those moments, the most helpful thing you can do is resist the urge to get defensive or withdraw.

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Oh, that's hard.

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Which can just escalate your insecurity.

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Right.

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Instead, try to respond with reassurance and empathy.

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Okay.

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Let them know that you hear their concerns and that you're not going anywhere.

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So it's about meeting that need in that moment.

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Exactly.

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And showing them that like their feelings are valid even if you don't agree with whatever is happening.

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100%.

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What about arguing with someone who is avoidant?

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So with avoidant attachment, you might notice the person shutting down.

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Okay.

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Getting quiet.

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Maybe even physically leaving the room.

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Yeah.

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And it can be so tempting to chase after them.

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Oh, yeah.

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And they can't understand that they talk about it.

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Right.

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But that often just pushes them further away.

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It does.

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Because that need for space gets activated.

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Yeah.

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And anything that feels intrusive just intensifies that urge to withdraw.

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So instead of chasing.

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Okay.

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Try giving them the space they need to process.

257
00:12:18,520 --> 00:12:19,520
Okay.

258
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Let them know that you're there for them when they're ready to talk.

259
00:12:21,520 --> 00:12:22,520
Okay.

260
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But don't force it.

261
00:12:23,520 --> 00:12:24,520
Yeah.

262
00:12:24,520 --> 00:12:28,520
Sometimes just saying, hey, I'm here whenever you're ready.

263
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Right.

264
00:12:29,520 --> 00:12:34,520
And make them feel safer than a whole lecture on the importance of communication.

265
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Which is so counterintuitive because you're like, I feel like we need to talk about this.

266
00:12:39,520 --> 00:12:40,520
Exactly.

267
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But sometimes.

268
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Space.

269
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Space is what's needed.

270
00:12:43,520 --> 00:12:45,520
It's actually the most important thing.

271
00:12:45,520 --> 00:12:46,520
Yeah.

272
00:12:46,520 --> 00:12:47,520
Okay.

273
00:12:47,520 --> 00:12:50,520
So you also asked about how attachment styles show up in parenting.

274
00:12:50,520 --> 00:12:51,520
Yes.

275
00:12:51,520 --> 00:12:55,520
Which I think is a really big one because I think a lot of people listening are probably

276
00:12:55,520 --> 00:12:59,520
their parents themselves are thinking about their own parents and how that's impacting

277
00:12:59,520 --> 00:13:00,520
them.

278
00:13:00,520 --> 00:13:03,520
It's fascinating how those patterns can get passed down through generation.

279
00:13:03,520 --> 00:13:04,520
Totally.

280
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Often unconsciously.

281
00:13:05,520 --> 00:13:06,520
Yeah.

282
00:13:06,520 --> 00:13:08,520
So let's say you have a parent with an anxious attachment style.

283
00:13:08,520 --> 00:13:09,520
Okay.

284
00:13:09,520 --> 00:13:14,520
They might be incredibly attuned to their child's needs, but also prone to overprotectedness.

285
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Don't worry.

286
00:13:15,520 --> 00:13:19,520
Hovering, struggling to let go as their child becomes more independent.

287
00:13:19,520 --> 00:13:21,520
Because that letting go can almost feel like.

288
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Like rejection.

289
00:13:22,520 --> 00:13:23,520
Rejection.

290
00:13:23,520 --> 00:13:24,520
Someone with that anxious attachment.

291
00:13:24,520 --> 00:13:29,520
And it's like their own fears of abandonment get projected onto the parent-child bond.

292
00:13:29,520 --> 00:13:32,520
And on the other side of that, someone who's more avoidant.

293
00:13:32,520 --> 00:13:33,520
Yeah.

294
00:13:33,520 --> 00:13:37,520
A parent with an avoidant attachment style might find it really challenging to tune in

295
00:13:37,520 --> 00:13:39,520
to their child's emotional needs.

296
00:13:39,520 --> 00:13:40,520
Oh, wow.

297
00:13:40,520 --> 00:13:45,520
They might be uncomfortable with big displays of emotion or feel overwhelmed by a child

298
00:13:45,520 --> 00:13:48,520
who's very clingy or demanding.

299
00:13:48,520 --> 00:13:52,520
Because it's almost like they love their child so much, but they don't know how to.

300
00:13:52,520 --> 00:13:53,520
Yeah.

301
00:13:53,520 --> 00:13:55,520
But they might struggle to express it.

302
00:13:55,520 --> 00:13:56,520
Express it.

303
00:13:56,520 --> 00:13:58,520
In a way that the child can really feel and internalize.

304
00:13:58,520 --> 00:14:01,520
And it's not about saying like, any of these parents are bad.

305
00:14:01,520 --> 00:14:02,520
It's just.

306
00:14:02,520 --> 00:14:03,520
Of course not.

307
00:14:03,520 --> 00:14:04,520
These are just patterns that.

308
00:14:04,520 --> 00:14:05,520
Exactly.

309
00:14:05,520 --> 00:14:09,520
And most parents are doing the best they can with the resources and awareness they have.

310
00:14:09,520 --> 00:14:10,520
Yeah.

311
00:14:10,520 --> 00:14:14,520
The key takeaway here is that understanding these patterns can help us become more conscious

312
00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:16,520
and intentional as parents.

313
00:14:16,520 --> 00:14:17,520
Totally.

314
00:14:17,520 --> 00:14:21,760
Even if we didn't have the most secure upbringing ourselves, we can still learn new ways of relating

315
00:14:21,760 --> 00:14:23,960
to our children and break those cycles.

316
00:14:23,960 --> 00:14:27,600
It's almost like giving our kids something that we didn't have.

317
00:14:27,600 --> 00:14:30,760
Give them a chance to develop a more secure attachment style.

318
00:14:30,760 --> 00:14:31,760
Totally.

319
00:14:31,760 --> 00:14:33,260
Even if we're still working on our own.

320
00:14:33,260 --> 00:14:34,760
Which I think is beautiful.

321
00:14:34,760 --> 00:14:35,760
Okay.

322
00:14:35,760 --> 00:14:37,760
So then last but not least.

323
00:14:37,760 --> 00:14:38,760
Yeah.

324
00:14:38,760 --> 00:14:39,760
Dating.

325
00:14:39,760 --> 00:14:40,760
Romance.

326
00:14:40,760 --> 00:14:41,760
Oh yeah.

327
00:14:41,760 --> 00:14:42,760
The big one.

328
00:14:42,760 --> 00:14:43,760
The big one.

329
00:14:43,760 --> 00:14:44,760
Right.

330
00:14:44,760 --> 00:14:45,760
So many people wrote in about this.

331
00:14:45,760 --> 00:14:48,760
And I think it's because we start to see how these patterns show up in our dating lives.

332
00:14:48,760 --> 00:14:49,760
Totally.

333
00:14:49,760 --> 00:14:50,760
And we're like, oh.

334
00:14:50,760 --> 00:14:56,760
How do we break free from those old familiar patterns and attract healthier relationships?

335
00:14:56,760 --> 00:14:57,760
Yes.

336
00:14:57,760 --> 00:14:58,760
Is it even possible?

337
00:14:58,760 --> 00:14:59,760
Of common concern.

338
00:14:59,760 --> 00:15:00,760
Right.

339
00:15:00,760 --> 00:15:05,760
Especially once you start understanding how those early blueprints can affect your choices.

340
00:15:05,760 --> 00:15:06,760
Yeah.

341
00:15:06,760 --> 00:15:10,760
Maybe you constantly find yourself drawn to emotionally unavailable partners.

342
00:15:10,760 --> 00:15:14,760
Or maybe you sabotage relationships before they have a chance to deepen.

343
00:15:14,760 --> 00:15:19,760
The good news is that awareness is the first step towards change.

344
00:15:19,760 --> 00:15:20,760
And I think that's the point of that.

345
00:15:20,760 --> 00:15:21,760
Because it's true.

346
00:15:21,760 --> 00:15:22,760
You can't change what you don't acknowledge.

347
00:15:22,760 --> 00:15:23,760
We've got it.

348
00:15:23,760 --> 00:15:26,760
So let's say someone's listening and they tend to be anxiously attached.

349
00:15:26,760 --> 00:15:27,760
In their relationships.

350
00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:29,760
What's a good first step for them?

351
00:15:29,760 --> 00:15:34,760
I'd say start by paying attention to those moments when those anxieties get triggered.

352
00:15:34,760 --> 00:15:35,760
Okay.

353
00:15:35,760 --> 00:15:39,760
Do you find yourself constantly seeking reassurance from potential partners?

354
00:15:39,760 --> 00:15:40,760
Okay.

355
00:15:40,760 --> 00:15:42,760
Do you get easily jealous or possessive?

356
00:15:42,760 --> 00:15:43,760
Yeah.

357
00:15:43,760 --> 00:15:46,760
Just noticing those patterns without judgment is huge.

358
00:15:46,760 --> 00:15:49,760
And instead of trying to get those needs met externally.

359
00:15:49,760 --> 00:15:50,760
Right.

360
00:15:50,760 --> 00:15:53,760
Can you start to soothe yourself in those moments?

361
00:15:53,760 --> 00:15:56,760
And for those who lean towards avoidance, start small.

362
00:15:56,760 --> 00:15:57,760
Okay.

363
00:15:57,760 --> 00:15:59,760
Challenge yourself to open up to someone you trust.

364
00:15:59,760 --> 00:16:01,760
Even just a little bit.

365
00:16:01,760 --> 00:16:05,760
See how it feels to let someone in to be vulnerable without shutting down or pushing them away?

366
00:16:05,760 --> 00:16:07,760
It's like slowly retraining your brain.

367
00:16:07,760 --> 00:16:08,760
Yes.

368
00:16:08,760 --> 00:16:09,760
To choose connection over.

369
00:16:09,760 --> 00:16:12,760
Over those old familiar defense mechanisms.

370
00:16:12,760 --> 00:16:13,760
Yeah.

371
00:16:13,760 --> 00:16:14,760
And I think no matter.

372
00:16:14,760 --> 00:16:15,760
Yeah.

373
00:16:15,760 --> 00:16:21,760
If you fall on that spectrum, the biggest takeaway is just be kind to yourself through this.

374
00:16:21,760 --> 00:16:22,760
Absolutely.

375
00:16:22,760 --> 00:16:23,760
This is a journey, not a destination.

376
00:16:23,760 --> 00:16:25,760
And there will be bumps along the way.

377
00:16:25,760 --> 00:16:26,760
And you're not broken.

378
00:16:26,760 --> 00:16:27,760
Not at all.

379
00:16:27,760 --> 00:16:28,760
You're not alone.

380
00:16:28,760 --> 00:16:29,760
You're in good company.

381
00:16:29,760 --> 00:16:30,760
You're in very good company.

382
00:16:30,760 --> 00:16:31,760
Most definitely.

383
00:16:31,760 --> 00:16:34,760
And you deserve all the love and connection that you desire.

384
00:16:34,760 --> 00:16:35,760
100%.

385
00:16:35,760 --> 00:16:38,760
And it starts with that self-awareness and that courage.

386
00:16:38,760 --> 00:16:39,760
And that self-compassion.

387
00:16:39,760 --> 00:16:40,760
And that self-compassion.

388
00:16:40,760 --> 00:16:41,760
So important.

389
00:16:41,760 --> 00:16:42,760
So important.

390
00:16:42,760 --> 00:16:46,760
Well, that is a wrap on this deep dive into attachment theory.

391
00:16:46,760 --> 00:16:47,760
So fascinating.

392
00:16:47,760 --> 00:16:48,760
It is so fascinating.

393
00:16:48,760 --> 00:16:53,760
We'll see you next time for another deep dive into the world of human behavior.

394
00:16:53,760 --> 00:17:13,760
And most importantly, stay curious.