You're eating a burrito on a jet ski, you psychopath.
Romantic burritos on the ocean, watching the
sunset, dolphins cresting in front of you. You
missed a proposal opportunity, man. Five, four,
three, two, one, zero. Welcome to the show, people.
Welcome to the show. Eat my shorts. So here is
to conversation. Tranquility Base here. The angle
has landed. Welcome to the Cash Exchange. What
up? How have you been? I have been pretty good,
all things considered. I had a... I was coming
back from Miami. I had a actually pleasant Uber
ride to the airport. Sounds fake. What do you
mean it sounds fake? Pleasant Uber ride to the
airport? Sounds fake. I don't take Ubers. I have
no frame of reference for that. Oh, no? Well,
usually it's not someone that you're very apt
to converse with. I have settings when I request
a ride that I have little to no conversation
and as cold as they can make it. About 50 % of
the time, they actually hold to that. And this
time was... No different. I had those settings
set. But this guy, he intrigued me. He seemed
like a jack of all trades. He was born and raised
in Miami, had no concept of anything Texas. I
told him that I was from the Dallas -Fort Worth
area. He was like, oh, I've been there. Yeah,
last summer I was in San Antonio for my son's
graduation from the Air Force. Yeah. Whatever
base is out there. Air Force. Yeah. And then.
Every time I talk about where I'm from, they're
always like, oh, I love the Dallas Cowboys. And
now you don't. No, you don't. I'm from there
and I don't even love the Dallas Cowboys. Well,
sure. But you, for some reason, been a Saints
fan for ever. That doesn't mean there aren't
diehard Dallas Cowboys fans. I mean, that's true.
That's true. They are America's team. But they
just it comes off as just like the thing to say.
Sure. Yeah. Like if you it's like a talking point
that like taxi drivers, Uber drivers, anyone
that's in like the service industry is does is
like whenever you find out they're from this
place, you have this go to say, oh, I love this
thing. That is fair. The service industry, if
people would ask me where I was from and I would
say Oklahoma without fail. Oh, I love you. Something
like that. They would ask me if I was an OU or
a Longhorns fan. A house divided. Whatever will
get me a higher tip. I have absolutely no idea.
I love whichever one you love. No. Right? No,
it's a waste of time. But it's mini NFL now,
so. But no, his name was Charles. I gave him
some insider tips on how to get his part -time
real estate business off the ground. He's also
a paralegal and also an Uber driver. I'm telling
you, man, jack of all trades. This is why you
talk to your Uber driver. Shout out to Charles.
And yeah, hopefully he didn't lie when he said,
hey, I'll give you a listen. And now he knows
that he got a shout out. Hi, Charles. All right.
So we're stepping back into our episode from
last week, which was advertising missteps. This
is true. But I have three different things for
you today. Okay. And before I get into it, this
is a different three things because we took.
kind of the bulk of the in poor taste ads. And
so what I have left in my notes are, let's go
with a little bit more innocuous. So your three
things for today are pivot, the Carlson dance,
and Oprah's car giveaway. Oprah's car giveaway.
How young do you have to be? What's the youngest
you would be in order to have any point of reference
for Oprah's car giveaway? So Oprah's car giveaway
was in 04. I remember it, but I don't know if
I remember it like the actual event. Or just
hearing about it. Or just like the fact that
it, yeah, the fact that it had stuck around on
the internet. It's still a thing that I think
about every once in a while. Because it definitely,
it broke what was the internet at the time way
harder than Kim Kardashian on that cover of the
magazine with all the oil. I don't know that.
That particular stunt, I think, is really interesting
to look at because it did not turn out great
for most of the people that were gifted cars.
No, it turned out the same way it turned out
for all the extreme home makeover people. Uncle
Sam came a knocking. And honestly, anyone who
wins, anyone who wins Price is Right, Wheel of
Fortune, the amount that you pay and like the,
I guess for hers, it would have been like tag
title and licensing and stuff. or the amount
that you would pay in like property taxes and
stuff. Those home makeover shows will bankrupt
a lot of people. There's a Family Guy episode
about it now. And prize taxes. Prize taxes are
ridiculous. I don't know what prize taxes are
specifically. I don't know how much it is, but
I mean, it's along the same lines as the lottery
tax, where if you take the lump sum, you end
up forking over like almost half, like 40 % of
it just in taxes alone. Oh, okay. So similar
kind of situation with that, but just winnings
from game shows. So here's a hot tip. You may
want that showcase showdown with the camper and
the two jet skis and the new kitchen set. Just
take the cash value. They'll deduct the money
out of it, and then you just get whatever's left
over. Take the cash value. Or sell off one of
those jet skis. Use it to cover the taxes on
the other things. Or do that. Do you really need
a his and hers jet ski? Uh, I mean, you've never
had a sunset dinner on your jet ski with the
love of your life? Maybe some dolphins cresting
over the water? I think jet skis are inherently
a one -person activity. So, no. What do you mean?
If you have two of them... Well, yeah, but how
do you... Then you go side by side. And you ride
those waves of love together. How do you split...
How do you split a dinner across two jet skis?
I don't think that they stay lined up all that
well. I mean, it's got to be something handheld.
I mean, it's like burritos. You're eating a burrito
on a jet ski? You psychopath. Romantic burritos
on the ocean, watching the sunset, dolphins cresting
in front of you. You missed a proposal opportunity,
man. No greater. Show of love. It should have
been on jet skis and with burritos. Well, I don't
have jet ski money. Maybe the honeymoon. God
willing. God willing. So what are your three
things? Pivot, the Carlton dance, and Oprah.
Oh, we already did them. We already did them.
Okay. That's how we got to talking about Oprah.
And that's how we got to talking about game shows.
Yeah, that bankrupted a lot of people. A lot
of people just had to forfeit the cars. Do you
even remember what kind of car it was? It was
the Pontiac. It was Pontiacs. I don't know what
specific ones. Grand Am? Maybe. It was like the
sedan -iest car of sedans. Yeah. And Pontiac
doesn't even exist anymore. It was a quintessentially
2004 car. Pontiac doesn't exist anymore? Uh -uh.
Oprah killed Pontiac. They were a part of what,
Chevy? Yes. The Carlton dance. She gave out...
You gave out what? Real quick, just a few metrics
on the Oprah giveaway. Each car was worth $28
,500. She gave away 276 of them. And it was the
Pontiac G6. They were charged $6 ,000 to $7 ,000
as a gift tax. Yeah. And they had no idea that
they would be walking out of there with a car.
Because the whole thing was like you'd get on
a wait list to be part of the audience. You knew
that you were getting something because she always
have like a surprise or something under the seat.
But no one had ever gotten anything more than
maybe like a cookware set or, I don't know, moisturizer.
A novel. Something like that. Yeah, a book, whatever
the person that was on her show was peddling.
And yeah, they walked out of there with a car
and a unexpected $8 ,000 bill. I don't know if
that was due at time of delivery or due on their
next taxes. I think all their next taxes. Yeah.
At least they got probably a little bit of time
with their audience. Do you know that John Oliver
actually beat her in the biggest giveaway on
a television show? Yeah, I watched that episode.
What did he give away? He bought a bunch of debt
because they sell it for like pennies on the
dollar. And then he forgave $15 million in debt.
That's pretty cool. Which I think. Everyone should
do. Everyone who has the ability to spend HBO's
or say CBS's money since he's on his way out
anyway. Colbert could do something pretty cool.
Yeah, I think those checkbooks are probably pretty
tight these days. I don't think he has as much
access to the coffers as he used to. Probably,
yeah. But no, I watched that. I mean, that was
a big deal when John Oliver did that. I used
to watch him all the time. Now I kind of feel
like he has a little bit of an Adam Ruins Everything
vibe to him, so I don't watch him as much. But,
ooh, ooh, dissension. In what sense? Just that
the information that he picks out is very cherry
-picked, to prove his point. Same thing, Adam
Ruins Everything. He's less egregious about it.
Adam Conover is one of the tooliest tools that
has ever tooled. Really liked that show starting
out. And then as he got, I don't think it even
lasted that long, but as he got further in, he
just got so... Up his own keister? Exhaustingly
preachy. Yeah. Yeah, and there's all kinds of
stuff you can watch now on YouTube of breaking
down his episodes of Adam Ruins Everything and
just how false and cherry -picked all of it is.
And then have you seen the time that he was on
Rogan? Yes. Oh. Jeez Louise. Yeah. Not a good
look. Yeah, his stand -ups are more of that than
anything else these days from what I understand.
His stand -up sets are just him screaming to
the audience that the world is about to end,
which don't get me wrong, it probably is. Maybe.
Regardless of what you think is going to cause
it, I'm pretty sure we're all pretty much in
agreement that things ain't looking so good right
now. Could be. Could be. But hey, we don't want
to hear about it day in and day out. So just
like live your life, man. Maybe don't try to
ruin everyone's day. He also has a podcast called
Well, Actually, which is the single most fitting
title I think he could use. Oh, man. It is sometimes
interesting. I've listened to a couple episodes
on it. The topics that he was covering weren't
all the world is going to end. It's not a bad
listen. No, thanks. Hard pass. All right. So
Carlton Dance. What is this? Where is that puzzle
piece going? Where is that puzzle piece? Where
does it fit in the grand scheme of things? I
know what the Carlton dance is, but where does
it fit in the grand scheme of this episode? Do
you want to know my thought process and the three
things for today? I would love to know your thought
process for the three things. So the Carlton
dance, the Opa car giveaway, and... Those are...
All memorable moments from 90s or 2000s television.
Oh. Like our topic for today, advertisements.
Before we get into this episode, I did have a
couple things to add to last week's episode.
Okay. One, post -Sydney Sweeney apocalypse for
American Eagle, their stock price jumped 20%.
Yeah. No press is bad press. No info on where
Duncan stands after there. foray into controversial
advertisements but yeah sydney is doing doing
something to be fair i don't think that the duncan
ad would have made a ton of waves without the
sydney sweeney controversy probably not no so
i mean i don't think that it would have affected
anything kind of regardless coattail rider but
on the the topic of the controversial ads before
we get into the decidedly way more fun ones was
obviously Kendall Jenner ending racism with the
2017 Pepsi ad where she walks into... Does she
walk into the line of protesters or the line
of the SWAT people? Between them. Okay. Regardless,
Kendall Jenner ended racism. When the world needed
her most, she disappeared. And also, Nivea's
White is Purity campaign, which is a thing that
actually existed for... For some reason. That
was a thing that got greenlit by probably several
teams of people. What did the protest look like?
I mean, I'm sure that one was just hordes of
people being upset on Twitter. The now formerly
Twitter. Which that's all the Sidney Sweeney
thing turned into. Except for the semi -viral,
I guess, photo of the large black lady flipping
off the... picture of Sidney Sweeney in the storefront?
Didn't see that. Oh, so it's not even viral,
not even viral in your household. So maybe it
wasn't that viral at all. The news cycle moves
so quickly that, I mean, even the coverage that
we have of the Sidney Sweeney topic last week
is probably kind of at the end of its life. I
gauge virality of something by whether Emily
brings it up to me or not. Oh, that is a good
metric. I'm I'm we we run in different Internet
circles. And so if it makes it to her her side
of the Internet, then I know that it was probably
pretty viral. Yesterday we were in we were at
the pool for our last hurrah for summer. It was
a community pool and there was a person there
that maybe hadn't updated their wardrobe in 75,
80 pounds ago. So busting out of everything.
Shorts that were essentially a thong, not supposed
to be, but were a white T -shirt that stopped
like maybe a third of the gut down. So two thirds
popping out. I say white T -shirt because there's
nothing under it and you could see full areola
the whole time. And I told Emily. that this person
looks like Gorlock the Destroyer. Do you know
about Gorlock the Destroyer? So Gorlock made
it to your side of the internet, but not Emily's.
Is that a safe assumption? So I only know, I
think so, because I only know who Gorlock the
Destroyer is because of the lady who was, I think
she had a breakdown in like the Burger King drive
-thru. She's on a podcast. I want to say it's
like the Whatever podcast, but she was getting
roasted. Is that the one where they edit all
the OF girls to look like complete morons? Yes,
it is. With the guy with the beard? Let's see
if I can find her name. Yeah, I've never listened
to an episode of that. I've heard little bits
of it. I've just seen clips. I can't. possibly
imagine wanting to watch that oh that's what
it was uh she was having a breakdown in the burger
king drive -thru because um someone said that
they weren't her type and she was like i know
that i'm a 10 out of 10 and the comments went
after this woman you call yourself a 10 out of
10 you are in other people's eyes usually low
twos i am not one to fat shame but i think she
meant on the richter scale I will be coming on.
No, you won't. You will not. Oh, man, that was
a good one. That was a good one. So what do we
got today? What what really pops out to you for
advertisements from the 90s and the 2000s that
may have been a little out of pocket? So one
of the reasons that I was kind of getting into
this topic, aside from the Sidney Sweeney controversy,
is because. It seems with all of these mergers
and acquisitions and things that are happening
across all the streaming sites that we're probably
going to just circle back to cable one of these
days. Yeah. And like Hulu is going to be gone
by next year and it's going to be completely
taken over by Disney. Yes. Which is, in my opinion,
a real bummer. But that said, once we kind of
reinvent cable. I don't think that it's going
to be affordable as is. And so we'll just end
up going back to ads. And the ads that I genuinely
miss are predominantly just the super, super
weird ones. Starting off strong with the Quiznos
sponge monkeys. I have read interviews with the
Quiznos people. I have seen the ads in their
heyday. More or less. And I still don't understand
what a sponge monkey is. I'm not even sure that's
how it's pronounced because there's no E in sponge
monkey. But I think they're so interesting. I
think that kind of ad should make a comeback
whenever we've circled back to cable. Yeah. So
it's like a gerbil with human eyes, cracked up
human teeth, and a bowler hat. Yeah. Yes. This
is very member berries. Yeah. They just want
Quiznos subs. If we're being fully transparent,
I don't know if Quiznos still exists. I don't
think I've ever been to one. I don't know if
they're good. It's a front now. What? There's
one across the street from my house and literally
no one's there, but it's been there since I've
been here. Okay. So. Speculate wildly. What is
it a front for? Hmm. Quiznos. Subs. Italian subs.
Italian mafia. Maybe. Hmm. Hmm. Yeah. Just like
maybe Qdoba. is a front for the cartel. Okay.
I've never heard anyone say, hey, where'd you
go to lunch? Oh, I just stopped off at Qdoba.
I don't. Or hey, I just swung by Schlotzky's.
I live right next door to a Schlotzky's. Quiznos.
Quiznos. They're the Austin eatery, so they're
everywhere around here. I've never been to one.
I don't think either. I've been maybe once, and
I could not tell you what decade that was in.
I'll live and die with Jimmy John's. Jersey Mike's,
bruh. Nah, I'm not a Jersey Mike's girl. I also
really don't like Subway. Nah, Subway's gross.
I can't stand Subway. It divides my house constantly.
I don't like Subway. Nate does. That is his preferred
sub place. But in my last apartment, we lived
down the street from both of them. And so there
would be lively debates as to which one of us
was getting the better sandwich. And that's how
you keep love alive, folks. This is true. Lively
debates about which is the better sub sandwich.
Just saying. Jimmy John's did not get qualified
as cake in Ireland. So scoreboard. Speaking of
Subway and ads from the 90s and 2000s, we watched
Happy Gilmore recently because we were gearing
up for Happy Gilmore 2. And Subway is a very,
very heavy sponsor. Egregious product placement
in Subway. In fact, it's a plot point that in
order to make some extra money to... to save
grandma's house uh he gets a sponsorship with
subway and then from that point on subway is
just plastered all over the movie yeah and this
one they really leaned into the subway because
there's like subway there's like happy gilmore
two commercials all over the place and subway
is all throughout the movie too subway is product
placement specific kind of advertising is so
interesting to me yeah have you ever watched
anything that's fully integrated into besides
besides Happy Gilmore. Anything that's what?
That Subway has fully got their product placement
into. Not that I can think of off the top of
my head. There was a John Oliver episode on Subway
a couple years back, which is why I know that
they're legally declared cake in Ireland. Bananas.
But one of the things that he mentioned was that
Subway did their own Korean drama, which... If
you've never heard of it, I definitely recommend
you watch it. I can find out what the actual
name is in just a second. They also did something
near and dear to John Oliver, an episode of Community.
Subway Son. I think that's the wrong country.
I don't think so. I feel like I heard something
similar to that in Squid Game. Subway Son. Yee
-hun. Subway. Man, I love the third season of
that show. Not acknowledging that one. Acknowledge
me. I won't. Terrible co -host. Just leave me
out in the cold. That's absolutely correct. I
cannot find the name of it, but Subway released
a Korean drama. Definitely recommend you look
it up and watch it. It's fantastic, quite honestly.
A girl maybe cheats on her boyfriend because
he only ever recommends the veggie subs. And
she goes into Subway one day and the guy recommends
that she get like a Philly cheesesteak or something
like that. And so she's debating as to whether
she should stick with her veggie sub or switch
to three meat. While we're sidetracked on subway
telenovelas in Korean, is that a foot long or
are you just happy to see me? These are all Reddit
comments. It's only 11 inches, but I promise
it won't leave you wanting more. My feelings
to you have melted like shredded cheese on my
15 -inch sub. Who's getting a 15 -inch sub? Well,
a lot of people are in here jumping down this
person's throat, metaphorically, for them not
using inches in Korea. I appreciate the attempt,
but did not stick the landing. It's a very good
argument for the, what is it, the universal system
of measurement rather than the metric system
that we got the $5 foot long jingle. $5, $5 foot
long. Hey, hey, hey. Real quick before we get.
any more into Subway. As far as the Quiznos sponge
monkeys go, I pulled a quote from the actual
like founder because they just randomly found
this English animator who was making just like
one -off sponge monkey videos and they decided
that this needed to be the ad campaign. And so
someone asked what he would describe the sponge
monkeys as. And he described them as an enigma
wrapped in an enigma. It's a bunch of this and
tossed in there and bits of texture from rabbits
and substantial dental defects from humans. He's
not wrong. To market a sub. Respect. How is that
any less egregious than Puppy Monkey Baby? I
also, I would support sponge monkeys well before
Puppy Monkey Baby. That thing creeps me the hell
out. And it's what for like E -Trade? Uh, no,
no. E -Trade is the talking babies. What is Puppy
Monkey Baby then? Puppy Monkey Baby is Mountain
Dew or Taco Bell. I remember the ads, but I don't
remember what they're for, which I think is the
mark of not a great ad. Mountain Dew. Okay. That
feels on brand for them. I mean, it was the most
talked about commercial of that Super Bowl. Was
that because there wasn't Budweiser frogs or
what? There just weren't better things to talk
about at the time. No, around the Super Bowl
every year, they always, I swear, it's the same
compilation. They maybe add one or two at the
end. But every year it's the same compilation
of craziest commercials. And one I always remember
is there's these women in bikinis facing this
like real nerdy man. And they're all in the water,
like bottom of their neck deep. So only their
heads are popping out. And they're like. teasing
this guy because he's real nerdy, whatever. And
so they start like taking off their bikini tops
and then taking off their bikini bottoms. And
then I think he takes his trunks off at one point
and then they just laugh and go about their merry
way. And then it turns out that he steps out
of the water and has an underwater disposable
camera. And it was an ad for an underwater disposable
camera. That one always sticks with me. And I
think about it every time I'm in a public pool
because now there's like GoPros and and all that.
We for Father's Day, we were in Galveston and
I've always wanted one of those like full face
masks with a snorkel attached because I like
just laying face down looking like a corpse and
I can just lay there indefinitely. And so for
Father's Day, Emily and the kids got me a snorkel
full face mask. And it was fantastic. We used
it in the pool, like the hotel pool, until other
people started getting there. Because I feel
like you're sending a message if you need to
be underwater in a public pool long enough that
you need a snorkel. And I didn't want to send
that message to the world. That is very good
of you. And I'm not going to lie, the first thing
that came to mind was the... underwater disposable
camera ad. So that stuck with me. That has stuck
with me since I don't know how long. You know
the much more innocuous one of those videos in
the compilation that always sticks with me? The
guy who has the Midas touch, but it's just Skittles.
Everything he touched turns to Skittles. And
he's just like sitting at a desk and these two
people come up to him and this woman goes, show
him what you can do. I told him that you can
turn anything to Skittles. And so he like turns
a stapler. The guy that's with her goes, oh,
my God, that's so cool. It must be like the most
amazing thing to have this power. And he just
goes on this like little monologue about how
awful it is to have the Skittles touch. He was
like, you know what it's like to never be able
to hold your newborn child, to never touch the
woman of your dreams. He just like sets his hand
down on his desk and it all turns to Skittles.
It was peak advertising. Or like the one where
there's an old lady sitting next to a middle
-aged man, and they're obviously mother and son,
and he asks her for more Skittles, and so she
eats them, and you see them go in her mouth and
then out through their still -attached umbilical
cord and into his stomach. Skittles was on one
in the early 2000s. I think that one's relatively
recently. Was it? I think so. I'll have to look
that one up. I don't remember that ad. The only
two of the Skittles ads that I remember are the
guy who turns everything to Skittles and the
one where it's just these two preteens. And they're
flirting, and the guy has just Skittles pimples
all over his face. And that one grosses me out.
Because it's a metaphor for STDs because she
eats one of his Skittles off of his face and
then all of a sudden her face is covered in Skittles.
Oh, you didn't make that connection? I mean,
I saw it more in a chicken pox way than an STD.
Tomato potato. Tomato potato. Kids that age are
more likely to pass around an STI than they are
chicken pox. So. Yeah. Think about that. No,
thank you. Actually, I'm good. Make sure you
give your kids the talk. Make sure you give your
kids the talk. Herpes doesn't go away from what
I've heard. Or so I've been told. Yeah, that
is probably true. Speaking of, did you ever have,
I think about this more than I ever, ever should.
Did you have health class shared or was it split
between boys and girls? So we had one health
class and it was specific to what we ate. It
had nothing to do with sex. We watched Super
Size Me three years in a row. Oh, interesting.
That nonsense documentary. That was also Adam
Conover and just very cherry picked information.
I mean, I don't think that you should be eating.
Like the message was there, whether or not the
execution. The data was. Done properly. Yeah.
Yeah. No. So we had joint health class and we
did the usual. I mean, we did the, oh, this is
a live birth from the hairiest woman you've ever
seen. And one thing. She can't shave down there.
Your arms don't. That I remember is that the.
female and sweet little old lady, probably early
60s, telling us without any hesitation and without
any doubt that boys cannot pee with an erection.
And that is just false. And I don't know how
many other schools this information has been
passed along to, but I want to make it my life's
mission to let people know that that is wrong.
It's just not true. is a weird hill to die on
and it is it i don't know why it stuck with me
i guess because it was so just obviously wrong
so you just call everything into question i've
just i think i thought about it all the time
like what else did they teach us that wasn't
true that was so obviously true untrue so easily
disproven like did saddam have weapons of mass
destruction i don't know anymore i don't know
you can't do that to some some little eighth
grader Something a little less intense. We had
a single class. It was our gym teacher, not part
of our health class. But I think they or no,
it was a year that we didn't have health class.
And so it was just our gym teacher being like,
hey, so do you guys have any questions? Didn't
teach us anything. Didn't learn anything. I don't
think there were many questions. When two men
make love, which penis opens up to receive the
other penis? All right, Dwight. Have you seen
the trailers for the new Office? It looks awful.
Holy moly. That's going to be a soon episode
because on our list, we had reboots and just
letting stuff die as a topic. And it was based
around whenever they announced the Office spinoff.
So I haven't seen it. No, I've actively avoided
it. It's bad. It feels like what they're going
to do with it because it's supposed to be like
a newspaper. It feels like what they're going
to do with it is just turn it into like a day
in the life at BuzzFeed. And I could not tell
you a person who would want to watch that. I
don't even know if BuzzFeed still exists. I saw
I saw the cover or I saw the poster, whatever
little flash on the screen on Peacock for it.
And I it upsets me that Oscar is in it. He's
as far as I know, he's the only returning cast
member. But like, come on, man. I think one of
the other like auxiliary people comes back or
at least they're going to have like a bunch of
cameos. I'm pretty sure maybe like Angela, Kevin,
Stanley, like one of them is is also involved
in it. Yeah, I saw an article yesterday about
how Daniel Radcliffe was asked if he was going
to be part of this new Harry Potter series. And
he said no. He said, no, I'm excited to pass
the torch. I don't think I need to physically
be there for that. Good for him. Good for him.
Between that and Weird the Al Yankovic story,
he's gone up some points in my book. Did you
ever watch any of the other stuff that he did
in the space between Harry Potter and Weird the
Al Yankovic story? He was in that terrible sequel
to Now You See Me. He was, which for some reason
was not Now You Don't. No, the third one is Now
You Don't. Yeah. That's stupid. Missed opportunity.
Just like Fast 10 should have been called Fast
10 Your Seatbelts. But no, he's impossible to
take serious as a villain because he's like 5
'2". And so everyone's towering over him. Also,
The Woman in Black wasn't too bad. It was a horror
movie. Did you ever watch Swiss Army Man? I've
seen clips. I've seen enough clips that I don't
need to see the movie. It is one of the most
bizarre films I have seen. I think, in my entire
life. And I do recommend it. It's dumb as hell,
but it is worth the watch. Yeah, I'm actually
flying out tonight for the Windy City, Chi -Town,
home of Yeezus. And I was looking for something
to download to watch on the flight. And the Lonely
Island Replacement guys, the Please Don't Destroy,
they have a movie that I'm excited to watch.
Terrible rating. What movie is that? On the tomato
meter. The Treasure of Foggy Mountain. Oh, never
mind. Haven't heard of that. Yeah. It looks good.
I mean, I like those guys. You know the short
guy? Which SNL guy? Have you watched SNL recently?
Relatively recently, yeah. They do like the new
digital shorts. Okay. There are three writers.
I think you would have seen them in other stuff.
One of them is Jimmy Fallon's Paul Schaefer,
like his sidekick, Higgins something. Yeah, his
son is one of the people in it. And then the
other one, there's another one that I think is
also like a writer, like a son of a writer. They
did a whole Nepo Baby skit with our favorite
Nepo Baby. Dakota Johnson. Dakota Johnson. Yeah.
Then they also did one with Bad Bunny where he
really wanted to do a Shrek skit and he got himself
Shrekified. Yeah, those guys. Yeah, I'll let
you know. I'll let you know how it turns out
and if it's worth the watch. It's currently got
a 42 on Rotten Tomatoes. 89 with audiences, though.
That is actually not that bad. One of the critics
really know. Exactly. It's not for them. Got
a B plus by the audience. The true fans. The
true fans. All right. So the next thing that
I have is I had Subway a little bit later on
in my notes because I wanted to tie it back into
how much I miss jingles. I wanted to tie it back
into how much I love jingles. And alongside the
$5 footlong, you have some earworms that I think
have stuck around despite I think the majority
of these companies no longer existing. Ooh, can
I guess them? Can you just give me the company?
I'll see if I can guess them. Education Connection.
Start now with maybe too hard one. Yeah, I can't.
I don't know that one. It was just a lady in
front of like an orange screen. It was like one
of the late night ads. Vaguely ringing a bell.
Okay, well, let's go with JG Wentworth then.
I have a structured settlement, but I need cash
now. Call JG Wentworth. 877 -CASH -NOW. Exactly.
See? Like, I don't know what an annuity is. I
don't have a structured settlement, nor do I
know what that is. But I do know if I have one
of those things. Let's see if I can hit this
one. I have a structured settlement, but I need
cash now. Call J .J. Wentworth. 877 -CASH -NOW.
That was the opera version. With the lady in
the horned hat. My personal favorite of the jingles.
or the musical commercials, is FreeCreditReport
.com. F -R -E -E, that spells FreeCreditReport
.com, baby. Hold on, I gotta get the lyrics to
the rest of it before it gets to the chorus.
The Free Credit Report one? Yeah. Shopping for
a new car, which one's me? A used convertible
or an SUV? Too bad I didn't know my credit was
whack. Now I'm driving off the lot and it used
subcompact. F -R -E -E, that spells freecreditreport
.com, baby. The one that hits a little too close
to home is where he's the pirate in a restaurant.
You haven't hit that level yet. At least you
know that rock bottom isn't where you are. There's
always further to fall. That's genuinely incredible.
So genius .com, the lyrics website that goes
like into the breakdown of what lyrics mean as
all of the free credit report .com commercials,
you can break down any of the lyrics to them.
And I know what I'm doing as soon as this episode's
over because there are a lot more of them than
I thought there were. Now, instead of looking
fly and rolling fat, my legs are sticking to
the vinyl and my posse is getting laughed at.
Awesome. Absolute peak television. Oh, man. That's
what I want to come back. I would watch every
ad break in a TV show if it was just nonsense
like that. I agree. What if they became Credit
Karma? They just like upgraded. Now they don't
need the ads anymore. Now they don't need to.
Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I think that we, as a society,
have shifted away from the ad jingle, and it's
no bueno, man. I don't remember the actual music
behind the pirate in a restaurant commercial
for Free Credit Report. Do you? Like, I have
the lyrics in front of me, but I don't remember
the backing. I don't either. I'd love to be able
to play it, but... They say a man should always
dress for the job he wants. Why am I dressed
up like a pirate in this restaurant? Nevermind.
I do remember it. Break us off a little piece.
Should have gone to free credit report .com.
I could have seen this coming at me like an atom
bomb. They monitor your credit and send you email
alerts. So you don't end up selling fish to Taurus
in t -shirts. That will stick with me for life.
Like it's already, it's in there. Peak. This
is a. I think free credit report is the best
ads, hands down. We were, so I've been trying
to enrich my children with some music from my
past. Yesterday, just on Shuffle, Sick Him on
a Chicken from Zac Brown Band. Okay. If you've
never heard it, check it out. Was that a targeted
attack on your daughter? No. No. Two separate
things, slightly related, not correlated. Anyways,
Sigmund Sigmund came on, and it's the earwormiest
song that you could ever hear. And so today,
when we were in the car, they wanted to hear
it. And I said, you know what? The Foundation,
I think it was, it may have been the debut album
of the Zac Brown band, was very instrumental
growing up. high school for me. And it is also
the album that has the song Chicken Fried on
it. That's the next one we listened to. They
knew of it. They didn't know much about it. I
realized, and I said my thought out loud, that
there are a lot of chicken -based songs on this
album. And so we go to the next song, Mary. which
is a song about a woman named Mary breaking his
heart. And my son asked me if Mary was a chicken.
And I realized that he never says that she is
a human or that she is not a chicken. So I don't
know if, for whatever reason, Zac Brown went
through a period to where he was very infatuated
with a chicken, especially one named Mary. Is
this just like Nikola Tesla and Henrietta all
over again? It might be. It might be. But give
the album a listen. And the whole time you're
listening to it, look at it from the perspective
of a chicken. Completely new album. You know,
now that you mention it, I don't know that I
know a song. I think there's a lot of songs that
don't specify that their love interest is human.
So you can kind of wildly speculate. that most
love songs are written about chickens. Maybe.
That doesn't do much for Cooper's electoral phobia,
but... To be fair, someone sicked the chicken
on her. The chicken sicked itself on her. Yeah.
Such a great video. It is. If there is a way
for me to just paste a smiley face over her face,
I would definitely post it. I mean, there is,
but I wouldn't go with a smiley face because
people are getting... big suit for that right
now for a smiley face did you know uh on today's
episode of i spend way too much time on the internet
um this is a thing from a little while back but
the smiley face is copyrighted trademark one
of those two things um so if you use the smiley
face you can get suit and get your items that
you are selling with that on it taken out By
the guy that they always, like, whenever there's
an anniversary of Forrest Gump, whenever they
do interviews with that guy, is that the guy?
What? There's a guy. Like, you know how they
did the smiley face in Forrest Gump? They had
to pay for that. I don't know what you're talking
about. You don't know about the smiley face?
That he puts on his shirt? No. In mud? Oh. Well.
It's been a very long time since I've seen Forrest
Gump. It is one of my good friend's favorite
movies, which blows my mind. Have you, did you
know there's a book? That it's based on? Harvey
Ball. Yes. Yeah, I knew it was a book. Harvey
Ball is the smiley face guy? Smiley face creator.
The smiley company. Yeah, they're the ones that
are suing a bunch of one -off Etsy shops and
creators that will use hashtag smiley. They get
sued into oblivion. Hmm. Which feels both very
on brand for whatever timeline shift we are currently
in and also... Pretty messed up that the Smiley
Face Company is the one that's suing all of these
people who are just trying to put their art out
there. It's not very smiley of him. Not very
smiley of him. You want to know my next one?
Go for it. Have you ever drank a can of liquid
death? Yes. I personally do not care for them,
largely because the only time I've ever had a
liquid death is when I am in a concert venue
and have had to spend entirely too much water
or too much money on edgy branded water. Paying
$7 for a can of water is insanity. It is. It
is. But hey, they got you by the balls once you're
in the doors. They do. And again, I can respect
the hustle, but I still hate them. That said,
their marketing is really interesting because
the focus for Liquid Death is influencer sponsorships,
really influencer partnerships. And so they have
created such things as Body by Burt. which is
a Burt Kreischer workout VHS tape for those who
are blissfully uninitiated when it comes to Burt
Kreischer. He has got the biggest of beer guts.
He is probably not a person you would want to
copy fitness health -wise. No, that's his whole
shtick is shirtless when he does his stand -up.
Man, it's just popping out the whole time. He
is also because I am in deep on the side of the
Internet that Bert Kreischer is on because Nate
is a big like podcast listener, big like stand
up comedian fan, that kind of thing. And so I've
been involved in some of the the drama that's
going on with Bert Kreischer, all that group.
Apparently, most people are not big fans of his.
I've never really been a fan of Bert Kreischer.
And it's no. it's not just the like that he just
thinks it's the funniest thing in the entire
world to take a shirt off when he does his routines.
Cause like, sure. Do your, do your gimmick thing.
If that's what you get remembered for. Uh, but
my grievance with all of his standup or all of
the like podcasts and stuff that I've listened
to with him in it is that he laughs at his jokes
more than anyone else does. We's laugh. There's
a line between confidence and just abject narcissism.
Relax. Let your audience take it the way they
take it. Yes. Very difficult to watch or listen
to. Impossible to do both. He has a new special
that came out, I want to say it was last year,
and he did the kind of humor that just always
grosses me out, which is my wife is the old ball
and chain kind of thing. You know no one is required
to get married. You didn't have to have children.
So I don't know why you're acting like it's a
burden that these people are in your life. Yeah.
Like, it's gross. No, he'll tell a story about
how he just got completely wasted in Vegas. And
his wife was calling him worried and all this
other stuff. And he's just laughing it off like,
oh, stupid. What an idiot for worrying about
me and all this stuff. And it just, no, not my
cup of tea. Not a fan. But, no, the, what is
it? Squeeze to death? The orange flavored liquid
death? Big fan. Whatever the lime, severed lime.
That's another good one. Okay. Good sparkling
waters. I think I've had severed lime. I tried
the flat water and just like, what's the point?
I think that might be my grievance with them.
I don't like their flat water. Yeah. Like if
you're going to market yourself as a water brand,
either market yourself as just like water or
sparkling water. Why do you have a flat line?
Why do you have a line of flat except to sell
it like concerts and stuff for way too much money?
I do. I do kind of like their branding because
I think they're like their art is really cool.
They also have the Armless Palmer, which I think
is a very fun name. I'm pretty sure they got
sued for that. But it is a I think it's a. It's
a it's a fun brand. I'm just annoyed that it
costs so much. I think that's right. Yeah, I
think there was something that came out a couple
of years ago about being satanic adjacent and.
all that uh i think that that was a marketing
ploy by them and i mean it definitely worked
because they're they're in stores all over the
place yeah i do also believe that it was a uh
marketing effort on their own part when it comes
to what you're drinking right now which is monster
energy the mark of the beast yeah have you seen
that video of that woman going crazy i have yes
with her like trifold poster like she's at a
science fair yeah With each one of these marks
is like a six, so it's 666, and it's the mark
of the beast, and it's, yeah. Also did wonders
for their marketing. Yeah. I believe she may
have been a plant in the same way that the Sonic
the Hedgehog original design was a marketing
tactic. The way to human version? Yes. Yeah.
Marketing tactic, 100%. Yeah. We should know.
We're both marketing majors. Yeah. We're both
marketing grads. Yep. That's a conversation that
I think I have too much. About what? It's so
interesting to me, the Sonic the Hedgehog thing.
Yeah. That like Sonic the Hedgehog, whenever
the movie was originally to be released, they
released a trailer and Sonic looks horrifying.
Human eyes, human teeth. Terrible, terrible choice.
Giant hedgehog. Yeah. Those things, they just
do not mix. The internet did what the internet
does and came out and we're just like, hey man,
what are you doing? And so they went so hard.
The internet played right into Paramount's hands.
They did. Absolutely. They went so hard at Paramount
and we're like, what is this design? No one greenlit
this. Then Paramount listened to their fans and
were like, OK, well, let's make him look a little
less Uncanny Valley. Redesigned him. And now
we have the Sonic the Hedgehog that we all know
and love. It's like when it had the opposite
effect of its Morbin time and Morbius came out
in theaters and it did such bad numbers. They
pulled it after like a week and a half. And then
there was an online campaign to bring Morbius
back into theaters because we promised this time
we'll watch it. We heard so many good things
about it. Now we can't watch it. And then they
bring it back and then no one watched it. That
was A, not a great character for a full runtime
movie. No. B, Jared Leto sucks. Yeah. I did get
told decently often when I was younger that I
looked like Jared Leto. So I also might be biased
in the situation. because I think he's trash.
But I also think he's trash because of all the
stuff that went on behind the scenes with Suicide
Squad and the fact that he maybe runs a 30 seconds
to Mars cult, which is an insane statement. The
vibes are rancid. Do not enjoy Jared Leto's presence.
One of my favorite lines from Popstar, never
stop, never stopping, is whenever Connor for
real gets told that he needs to, I think it's,
I don't remember the exact scenario, but the
guy that's trying to. unseat him as the the pop
idol of the day uh it says he's just going to
be 10 more seconds up there and then connor for
real says that's like a third of the way to mars
he says connor we've talked about this 30 seconds
to mars is a band it's not a unit of measurement
i may hate jared leto but i think i might start
using that as a unit of measurement This ad is
the whole way to Mars. All right. So liquid death.
Ad body by Burt with Burt Kreischer's VHS workout
video. Travis Parker's enema of the state. Hell
of a choice also. Did he get an enema live on
TV? You know, not as far as I know. Was Al Roker
the one that got a prostate exam on live TV?
I thought Katie Couric got a colonoscopy. Colonoscopy.
Yes. That sounds more like the truth. I believe
that to be the case because I think a prostate
exam on TV might be a different piece. Prostate
exam for Katie Couric is... Well, obviously not
for Katie Couric. That would be recreational.
That wouldn't be scientific. Sure. And just like
that, we're all back in health back. So enema
of the state. Steve -O had a voodoo doll. Were
Mark and Tom not part of the marketing campaign
for that? Was it just Travis? I believe it was
just Travis. Wow. Come on, Travi. I was trying
to do some quick math and divide blink 182 into
three. 60 and a half. The other 121 blinks were
not present. There's a lot of band names that
you could use as units of measurement now. Oh,
my. It's 60 .66. The mark of the beast with a
zero in between. What are you trying to tell
us, Travis? Spill it. Mr. Kardashian. Is he still
associated with them? I don't. They're still
married. I'm not keeping up with the Kardashians.
Oh yeah, because didn't she announce that she
was pregnant or something at one of their shows?
Yes. What do you mean shame? No, I don't watch
it either. The last one I had for Liquid Death
was Martha Stewart's dismembered body candle.
She has an interesting trajectory. She has an
interesting trajectory, yeah. She does. I think
her friendship with Snoop is fascinating. How
many of our listeners do you think remember Kmart?
Do they have Kmarts in Guinea -Bissau? Did they
have Kmarts in Guinea -Bissau? That's a good
question. Angola? We'll have to ask our listeners.
If you didn't know, we're huge in Guinea -Bissau
and Angola. Yeah. We're taking Africa by storm.
Oof. I mean, like, peacefully. I don't say it
like that. With their cooperation. Yeah. No,
we're popular. We're popular in those regions
of Africa. We were watching Grown Ups 2 as a
family. And there is a scene where they are in
a Kmart. The crew gets out of the car in the
parking lot and start walking in. And the middle
child. sees the signage on the building and says,
huh, Kmart. Is that supposed to be like a fake
Walmart? And we did explain to her that Kmart
was an actual store at one point. It did actually
exist and it was not made up for this movie.
There are still Kmarts, aren't there? I don't
know. I know there's not one in Tulsa, Oklahoma.
I can tell you that much. Yeah. They're now owned
by Transformco. That doesn't sound dystopian
at all. Like by and large from, uh, the pixar
universe that is exactly what i was trying to
think of i was gonna say the light year ago but
that's not the same i was gonna say i was gonna
ask you if your your kmart connection was going
to be because of the um the kmart ad that was
uh i think personally really funny and it was
the i ship my pants commercials do you remember
those i do now do you uh did you ever watch superstore
yes uh so jeff sutton the one who's like the
um district manager, I think for a while. Yeah,
he's in those commercials. And the whole thing
is talking about how Kmart will ship things through
your door. You don't have to go into the brick
and mortar. And so it's just them having this
exuberant conversation about how great it is
that you can ship your pants. You can ship your
pants right from the store. You can ship your
pants from your couch. Peak marketing. Peak marketing.
They also promised big gas savings. All right.
Do you have any other memorable ads that you
want to throw into the mix before we close out
for the day? Yeah, I mean, there's that classic
one where it's a zoomed out shot on a winding
country road. And this car is just winding through
this little peaceful meadow. On this road. And
then it goes behind some trees that are in the
foreground. And then before, you're waiting for
the car to pop out the other side of the trees.
And then, boom. Cool face. Snaps onto your screen.
Is that an ad? It was an ad. It was a car commercial
ad. What? Yeah. Really? Yeah, it was like an
actual thing. And I'm sure it led to a lot of
people shatting their pantaloons. Shipping their
pants? Yeah. Yeah, K -Fee car. Huh. It was a
German commercial. For an energy drink. I mean.
Oh. Oh, it wasn't for a car commercial. Yeah,
canned coffee drinks. Nothing will wake you up.
I like getting jump scares. So look up K -Fee.
K -Fee commercial. And I'm sure you'll get a
lot of memories flooding back to you. That is
so interesting. I thought that that was just
like one of the first things that popped up on
YouTube. I thought that was what. In the same
way like the maze game thing where like if you
got to the end it would jump scare you? No. I
thought it was one of those. It was an actual
TV commercial that played on televisions and
scared the living piss out of people. Interesting.
Okay. But I guess closing out the last thing
that I would want to bring up is local ads. Some
of them are so unhinged. Because they know that
they're only going out to the people like in
their near area. So like you'll be watching like
your CBS, ABC, NBC, Fox affiliate, and they'll
have slots usually early afternoon, morning,
or late at night on these channels. And it'll
be for businesses that are close to you that
sell locally. I know a lot of them are like cars,
a lot of them are mattress stores, that kind
of stuff. That's usually where you get, like,
the jingles. Like, I think that's where most
of the ad jingles are coming from these days.
Like, I remember, shot me first, shot me last.
Either way, come see Clay. That was the first
thing that came to mind for me, too. For Clay
Cooley. Yeah. Or there's a mortgage broker guy
that is local to here that Kevin. something he
always had some i don't know if he does tv ads
anymore but he used to have some unhinged local
spots but cherish them cherish those local local
brands and their creativity or lack thereof i
specific to texas whenever you were talking about
local commercials the the first things that came
up to mind were lawyers because oh yeah not in
the commercial sense but like there's push and
win but do the avocados at law yeah that are
in like san antonio ish um san antonio houston
yeah yeah if you think in just like the commercial
sense you also have jim adler the texas hammer
you had brian long i bite yeah uh you've got
ryan the lion thompson his ads are not as yes
not as big uh thomas j henry I know a problematic
amount, I think, of lawyers in Texas because
they're all just so gimmicky. And I'm so curious.
They are. If you are a listener from anywhere
besides Texas, please tell me what your state's
lawyers look like. Do you also have weird giant
ad campaigns for every defense attorney? I need
to know. Especially the ones like Jim Adler.
He'll be on top of a semi with a sledgehammer
talking about how. he's gonna if you're hurt
in a semi -accident he sues the pants off the
the trucking companies we just need to bring
back fun ads that is my my final takeaway if
you are somewhere in advertising make us want
to watch the ads again yeah we're gonna have
to watch them anyways that's where it's all heading
like uh seven dollars a month for all you can
watch those those days are done because everything
is getting so expensive it's not a sustainable
model So if you're going to have to bring ads,
make them ads that we want to see. And for the
love of God, bring back jingles. Bring back jingles.
Bring back the Charlie Harpers of the world.
Yeah, two and a half man reference. Before it
got ruined by Kutcher. There's only one jingle
that I remember from that show. And it's for
an anime called Oshikuru. Like Ninja? Yeah. Oh,
oh, oh, oh, Oshikuru. I'm trying to remember
the end of that. He's the one. He's the guy that
had to die. Something about a demon samurai.
All right. This will be our last lyric lookup.
He's a demon samurai. Who's the guy who had to
die? Oshikuru. Didn't have to look it up. Oshikuru.
There we go. Yes. Bring back jingles. Bring back
jingles. All right. And with that, I think we're
out. We'll see you. Peace out, Girl Scouts.