Five, four, three, two, one, zero.
Welcome to the show, people.
Welcome to the show.
Eat my shorts.
So here is to conversation.
And quality based here, the ankle has landed.
All right, so.
What do Jumbotron proposals, Instagram hospital selfies and full volume
FaceTime calls have in common?
Therefore, attention whores.
Absolutely.
But I was going in a different direction on that one.
Yeah.
What direction was that?
They are private life events that you do not need to let strangers in on.
Yes.
Yes, I agree.
Especially the proposal, because you have to be 100% sure that it's going to go off
without a hitch, because if you propose on the Jumbotron and either she says no
and you look like an idiot or she says yes, but she really didn't want to.
And the only reason she said yes was because you put her on the spot in front
of thousands of people.
Jumbotron proposals are the worst thing ever invented.
Jumbotron anything.
I don't ever want to be on the Jumbotron.
No, not even at the Rangers games when you're.
No, because I would assume that they got to pre watch the stuff that they put in.
They're like, hey, go cut to camera six, cut to camera three, that kind of stuff.
But I just I don't trust them.
And there's probably footage of me somewhere mid something.
I don't know, take my nose sneezing.
I don't know, but I don't trust it.
And I don't trust that being in someone else's hands for them to just
flash on me, because what if this explodes?
What if this becomes massive and we're the next Joe Rogan's?
I mean, I'm closer to being Joe Rogan than you.
I like to think we almost have the same amount of hair.
Ideologically,
I'm getting a little bit more tinfoil hatty in my in my old age.
Yeah.
Why are we just expected to believe what they tell us to believe?
Because I watched the X-Files growing up and they told me that they want to believe.
I want to believe, man.
But don't want to believe what the government's telling you.
That's the whole that's the whole thing behind the X-Files.
Truth is out there.
That is.
I still got to find I get in kicks to where I watch nonstop.
I'll watch it for four days straight.
X-Files.
Yeah.
And then for whatever reason, I don't watch it for six months.
I've never finished the series.
Really?
I've seen the most recent movie.
I haven't seen the one that actually goes between the seasons.
There's a movie.
There's two.
Really?
Oh, yeah.
So private things that.
That should just be private.
Should be should be shared with the people you care about most, not
anyone with an Internet connection or happens to be at a sporting event with you.
Any kind of public proposal, you just.
Even if they are a public proposal kind of person,
you're an asshole.
Along those lines,
restaurant birthdays, the worst, the worst worst.
If you were the kind of person who especially, I don't know if it's especially,
but I'm going to say especially if it is not a guest in your party's birthday.
If there is no one in your party that is
celebrating their actual birthday, you are an asshole for telling your
server that it is their birthday.
You're a total dick weed.
That's happened to me two times.
And.
It's not fun for anyone.
It's it's fun for the people like
tell me what your birthday.
It's fun for them.
It's fun for the other people at your table.
Is it, though?
Because then they get dragged into this, too.
Yeah, but it's a you're willing to suffer for the greater good,
which is embarrassing the hell out of your friend.
I guess, but then are they really your friends?
No, absolutely not.
If you mentioned I wanted so badly whenever we were going out for Nate's
birthday a couple of weeks ago to tell all of the servers that weekend that it
was his birthday, just because I'm curious.
I haven't really seen a restaurant birthday celebrated
anywhere but Roadhouse in a while.
Yeah.
I just wanted to know what's changed since then.
Well, one thing is I don't know if you already knew this, but most restaurants
have their own form of a birthday song because Warner Brothers owned the rights
to the OG birthday song.
Really?
And so technically, if you sung it in a restaurant, you'd have to pay a royalty.
Interesting.
I always assumed that was because they were trying to set themselves apart for
every other TGI Fridays or Denny's or whatever chain restaurant.
I mean, most of them, it's the same thing.
Happy birthday.
I wish there was my brother's.
I guess it'll be too.
OK, so what is the most embarrassing birthday thing that you've had to do?
There was TGI Fridays where it was early 2000s.
I had spiked hair and server tied balloons to my spikes.
They weren't frosted.
I mean, I'm sure I look dope.
Very great in my Jinko.
No, no.
I miss Jinko, James.
I don't know.
So that, I mean, as far as embarrassment, that was not really anything.
We have a chicken restaurant by here that will give you, they give you two cups to
form a chicken beak. What do they give you for?
Do they give you something to flap?
They do. I don't remember what it is.
Maybe they give you menus.
They don't have menus. They don't.
Maybe they make you like flap your arms, like do the chicken dance.
Yeah. Yeah, that sounds right.
And then we have another.
We have a chicken wing restaurant around here where they give you a hat.
But I think post COVID, they give you like a pointy water cup.
And then there they give you menus that you have to flap.
And if you stop flapping, then they start over.
Oh, my God. Yeah.
Restaurant of all restaurants.
Texas Roadhouse. Yes.
And they put you on a saddle.
Love me some Texas Roadhouse.
And they give you some Texas Roadhouse birthdays.
They give you a.
It seems like every time we're there, there's three freaking birthdays.
There's too many people on this planet.
Be in the middle of a conversation and
attention, Texas Roadhouse.
They'll put you on a saddle and you have they'll sing to you.
They'll clap for you.
And then they'll give you a napkin and you have to twirl it around like a lasso.
And if you stop doing that, it's it's the real asshole servers that just want to
get you back for having to put them through this, which I don't I don't I don't blame them.
They should get something out of it, too.
So if you stop lassoing your napkin around, then they start over.
I support that.
I don't support restaurant singing in general.
But if you're going to do it, go all in.
We both worked at a restaurant that during certain parts of the day was
primarily patroned by older people, the church crowd.
Yeah. And whenever we had a birthday, they would be the first to say something.
And I honestly a couple of times thought that we would kill somebody, give some old
person a heart attack because people come out with spoons in a cup and clapping
and screaming and acting like total idiots for this jerk off's 13th birthday.
He doesn't want his parents want it for him.
They want to take a video.
They want to show it to him when he's 18.
Look, hey, look at this dumb shit we made you do.
And meanwhile, all the staff has to jump around like monkeys.
Speaking of having pictures to throw in your face eventually, are there pictures
of you with the balloons and the TGI Fridays?
I doubt it. Disappointing.
Yeah, it was a pre-camera film.
This was, I don't know, too.
It's that that one year that we have no clue why we lived, where we lived.
Yeah, you were there.
I know. But you were just I don't remember it.
A little less.
OK, so before we go into the nitty gritty on why restaurants,
restaurant birthdays suck, do you like celebrating your birthday?
To an extent.
I'm not a big fan of the open your present in front of the person that got it for you.
And then maybe you like it.
Maybe you don't.
Either way, you have to pretend like it's the greatest thing you've ever received.
Yeah.
Luckily, for a lot of kids birthdays now, they don't do that.
They just take the presents home and open them there and then send a text or a
thank you card, whatever. But I mean, I don't expect anything crazy.
Just like a dinner.
And then if we're going to dinner, don't tell them it's my birthday.
That's the best birthday present you could give to me.
Yeah. Yeah. I mean, just doing something like me and you.
One year from our birthday, just went to the Kennedy Museum.
Yeah, that was a fun day.
It was. That was fine with me.
Like that was something I wanted to do, something I enjoy doing, which is weird.
If you're ever in Dallas, go to the sixth floor museum on Elm Street.
It's we are looking for a sponsor.
Uh huh. How much money do you think is in museum sponsorship?
I mean, with that museum sponsorship,
especially with all of those other shout out to my fellow tinfoil hat people.
Yeah. I mean, we could do it.
We could do it pro boner and then just use that to bring in all the.
But
maybe they can get a discount on the newspaper.
I have like seven copies of that around the house.
The newspaper of the Dallas Morning News.
Kennedy shocked in Dallas.
You have seven copies of that?
Well, I mean, there's like there's I think there's like three different ones.
It was a three day thing.
Oh, OK.
But yeah, I have at least two copies of each one.
You never know when you're going to need it.
These are these are weird times, man.
Yeah.
While we're on this tangent, second shooter, yes or no?
No.
CIA intervention.
Yes. Yeah.
So Lee Harvey Oswald was Patsy.
Yes. Do you think he knew what he was doing?
Yes, I think if the CIA gives you direction, you don't really have a whole lot of options to say no.
And he didn't make it very long.
So have you ever done the Dallas Trail of Tears?
No, it's the Dallas Trail of Tears.
That's where you follow the path.
Oh, the oh.
From from him landing in.
I think he landed in Love Field.
OK.
And then so you go from Love Field to downtown Dallas and then you meander around there a little bit.
And then when you go to the X's.
Yeah.
Elm Street and then race to Parkland.
Did you know that Lee Harvey Oswald was operated on in the room across the hall from where JFK was operated on?
No, I did not.
Did you know that that part of Parkland Hospital doesn't exist anymore because they demolished it?
Really?
Didn't know that either.
Suspicious.
And there was a lot of a lot of pieces of Kennedy that up and vanished.
Yeah.
There's definitely something hinky about it.
I can't remember when when the information is going to come out about it, when it's going to be unsealed.
I know that Martin Luther King is 28, maybe 30, whenever his stuff, his stuff comes becomes unsealed.
Yeah.
All the MLK stuff is under lock and key right now.
We knew that, but I didn't know it was I didn't know there was a timeline for unsealing it.
2027 is when they are, which I mean, you know how that stuff goes.
Yeah.
Every president has gone into office saying, I'm going to tell you what's going on in Area 51.
Just because I did that in Clinton's voice doesn't mean it was just Clinton.
It was all of them.
And then once they find out, they're like, oh, yeah, never mind.
I'm not going to tell you what's going on in Area 51.
I mean, if anyone was going to, it would be Trump or RFK or RFK.
He's a Kennedy with a lot of I was sick last week.
I don't know what I had, but I lost my voice for a couple of days.
And I had RFK voice for four solid days.
I had that. I couldn't talk at all.
Did you get me sick?
No, this was like two, three years ago.
Yeah.
And I couldn't talk at all.
I had to get a whiteboard and an Expo marker to communicate.
And I've been there before.
Anyway, that's insane that they have a date to release all that stuff.
Yeah.
A bunch of information about Cohen Telpro is supposed to come out in 2027,
but then they can push that back whenever they want, including
documents about whether or not he had an affair.
All this stuff that J Edgar Hoover got on him.
Okay.
Looks like the latest dump of Kennedy stuff happened in 2023.
Really?
And what was released then?
It was 99% of the Kennedy assassination files have been released.
2672 documents containing newly released information.
Okay.
Yeah, that's definitely a topic for another day.
All the Kennedy stuff.
As far as restaurant birthdays go.
Wow, that was a wild banjo.
The thing for me that's going to get you the best tip is you find out somehow
some jerk at your table says, hey, it's his birthday.
Can you do anything for him?
And then I'm like, hey, don't do that.
Don't do anything.
It's cool.
And then they just come out with like a dessert.
Yeah.
No singing.
No pomp and circumstance.
No gathering every server, taking them away from what they're trying to do.
Just free dessert.
And then we're out of there.
So I've worked in restaurants for just over 10 years now, just under 10 years now.
I have been through so many different kinds of that stupid song.
And it's never fun.
But I am fortunate enough to be in a restaurant now where we don't sing because it's stupid.
That would be crazy if they made y'all sing at that place.
It really, really would.
But I have made it a... some people still expect like a whole thing.
Like if I'm going to spend money on a night out, then I expect you to make like a whole scene
for my friend's birthday or whatever.
And so now, because it's been brought to my attention that like, oh, well, I thought you guys would do something
that I... if I know it's a birthday, I will tell them happy birthday is my gift to you.
I don't sing.
It's my favorite part of this job because it is.
It genuinely is that I don't have to sing to these people.
And it's a nice joke.
It lightens the mood.
It...
Yeah.
But I always tell them, like, if you guys choose to desert, it'll come with a candle.
If the people around you choose to make a scene, I won't stop it.
I won't participate, but have fun.
That particular comment has bit me in the butt a few times where people have made a whole scene
about a candle, which is still insane to me.
Yeah.
Because I also don't understand singing at full volume in a restaurant, like as just a group of people.
You know what would be funny is
at this restaurant that you're at now, it's close to a pretty popular music venue.
And so there's a lot of artists that come into your restaurant.
How funny would it be if you were required to do birthday singing for these people
and they got to critique you afterwards?
It'd be like a little American Idol audition. I would love that.
Birthday, birthday edition.
If it was just pageantry, I would absolutely support singing for birthdays.
Would you go 1000% all in?
Sometimes. Yeah.
Everyone's got a phone in every once in a while, but I think it'd be fun.
I think that would make it enjoyable.
Probably not for you, because sometimes if I don't like you, I'm going to make it
a Fergie singing the national anthem kind of performance.
Who's the girl that just did it?
Ingrid?
I want to call her Idris Elba.
I know that's very far off.
It's Ingrid Andris, I think.
Yes.
And we wish her all the best in rehab.
Or in Elking at the Grand Ole Opry.
Or that. Yeah, that was also bad.
Who do you think would be the best person to have to sing whatever the restaurant's
happy birthday song is to?
What do you mean?
Like, say someone came into the restaurant.
It was their birthday.
They were a celebrity.
They demanded that you sing whatever your
restaurant's version, you don't have a version.
So you'd have to call back to one from back in the day.
You'd have to sing that for them.
They demanded it.
Who would it be? Best case scenario.
You said demanded, and I immediately thought James Corden.
Yeah, that's fair.
He doesn't have a good track record dealing with servers.
Luckily, I've never been in a restaurant that served omelets.
So I think I'm safe.
I wouldn't want to do a singer.
I don't want them to be able to critique me accurately.
Yeah. What if they're a terrible singer?
What if Jack Black?
He's a singer, but I think that he would be the one I would want to sing Happy
Birthday to. And he seems like someone that would demand it.
Demand that some stranger that's working at a restaurant would sing him Happy Birthday.
You think so? Maybe just for the giggles.
That's fair. What about Simon Cowell?
Absolutely. I would love to fake audition for Simon Cowell.
Do you think you would get X Factor Simon Cowell?
Or do you think you'd get OG American Idol Simon Cowell?
I hope it's OG American Idol Simon Cowell.
I just want to see how deep those V-necks go in person.
Very deep.
So I worked in restaurants.
Did you work in multiple?
Yeah, I wasn't a server all the time.
I did other stuff.
Line cooking and whatnot.
Yeah, I would get jerks that would want their
birthdays to be celebrated by a total stranger.
And at first, I couldn't tell them no.
So I would phone it in.
But then as I got there, as I got more seniority and people started leaving,
new people came in and say, hey, I got a birthday over here.
Go take care of it.
Yeah.
Tell them Happy Birthday. Go sing.
Go be my monkey.
And they do it because intimidating.
Can you?
Especially when I don't want to do a birthday.
Yeah. All right.
That's when the nastiness comes out.
I'll keep that in mind.
I see those eye twitches.
So yeah, towards the end, I wasn't having to do much singing.
If I did, I would be in the back and just clapping, maybe.
But to ask somebody, especially when it's super busy,
to collect other people that are also super busy and shut down everything
because you shot out of your mom's vagina X amount of years ago, is pretty selfish.
Wholeheartedly agree.
And you're getting just bottom of the barrel singers.
Like, it's not like the song itself has any kind of tone to it.
No.
But it is just awkward as hell when you just have a bunch of stoned 18 year olds
just soullessly singing you happy birthday.
It's not fun for anyone.
Over your free slice of cheesecake.
Like, was it worth it?
Is it really worth it?
And if you felt like it was, go to therapy.
So I support restaurant birthdays only in the context that they make you do
something embarrassing. Okay.
I love the chicken dance.
Yeah.
I don't really like the saddle, the Texas Roadhouse thing.
No, it's got a gross connotation to it whenever you're doing it in front of your family.
There's a...
I think you basically get lap dances at Hooters.
My information of that is based off of Reddit.
I've never been to a Hooters, but...
Don't recommend.
Yeah.
Or Twin Peaks. Any restaurant.
I'm pretty sure Brush-Tron is a future episode.
If it's not, it's going to be.
I think it is.
If not, yeah.
Honorable mention of tallywhackers.
Yeah.
RIP.
People don't want junk in their face when they're trying to eat their hoagies.
Is that what they served?
I have no clue.
I would assume that all of it was just dick shaped stuff.
That's fair.
Anyway, restaurant birthdays.
I support when they make you do something embarrassing.
There is a restaurant somewhere in the Northeast that makes you kiss a stuffed moose.
I assume that's changed since COVID times,
but I couldn't find too much that was in the way of embarrassing restaurant things.
Like a stuffed moose or a stuffed moose?
Oh, I don't know.
I don't know if it was a stuffed animal or taxidermy.
I feel like I should... I'm going to look that up.
I think that would make a big difference.
Oh, man, but I don't remember the name of the restaurant.
Type in moose knuckle kissing.
Horrifying. Absolutely not.
Bugaboo Creek.
That sounds racist.
I think it is.
Yeah.
Sounds like a David Allen co-song.
I don't know who that is.
What is a Canadian themed restaurant like?
I don't know, but now I need to know.
Bugaboo Creek Steakhouse.
So it's kind of a hybrid between taxidermy and a stuffed moose because it's just a
giant, like, mounted moose head, but it's stuffed.
But not real.
But not real, yeah.
That kid is going to town on that moose's nose.
This says was.
I believe this is how COVID began.
Was the communal moose.
It wasn't the pangolins.
It was not the pangolins.
Ranny Marsh was innocent. Hashtag freeload.
Ooh, bankruptcy.
This place doesn't exist anymore.
I don't know how long ago that Reddit thread was from.
Good.
Okay.
I mean, how many times did they really...
First off, this is a Canadian themed restaurant in the United States.
What does that even mean?
Obviously, they have a moose.
We have meese here, mooses.
Moose.
Do we have meeses?
I've been trying for years now to see a moose in person, and I have seen zero meese.
I think you would be terrified.
I absolutely believe that, but I still want to see a moose.
I mean, Alaska.
Colorado, theoretically, has meese.
I saw a giant elk that I thought was a moose.
They're not the same size or the same shape.
But I was enjoying Colorado's largest industry.
And then I saw the pictures later because I was so excited that I saw a moose, and I did not.
But whoever wrote this Wikipedia article on Bugaboo Creek Steakhouse
really wanted to hit home that this restaurant was a failure.
Let's see.
Just on the little blurb, or it just gives you the bullet points.
Industry, restaurants, genre, casual dining, founded, founders, defunct, June 16th,
fate, bankruptcy, headquarters, East Providence, Rhode Island, U.S.,
number of locations, zero.
Like they really wanted to hit home that this place went out of business.
From the time of the chain's opening until the bankruptcy, Bugaboo Creek was known
for its novelty animatronics.
I miss a good animatronic restaurant.
Me too.
I am forever saddened by the fact that I wasn't old enough to enjoy original Chuck E.
Cheese. Oh, it was terrifying.
Back when he was like that Frank Sinatra, like, roast comic.
Yeah.
Man, I would have killed to have seen that.
They were creepy as hell.
They were.
I would love to have animatronics in my house.
I've seen Five Nights at Freddy's.
I know it won't work out well for me, but I think it'd be cool.
I just wish Chuck E. Cheese still had them.
I do too.
Now it's just it's screens.
Screens, yeah.
That's stupid.
Can we start our own?
Our own Chuck E. Cheese?
Yeah.
Can we have an adults only section in the back?
I from what I understand of Chuck E.
Cheese, that was the costume closet.
I mean, what would our what would what would it be?
You're a mascot.
It would have to be something that appeals to people our age because kids don't
do animatronics anymore, even the animatronics at Disney World are like
projections onto bodies. Yeah.
Really? You haven't seen that?
No.
Yeah.
I mean, they're good.
They look legit, but they're not animatronics.
No, I love I love animatronics.
It's one of those creepy things that I think is just so fun.
It's just a weird.
It's a weird in between.
Like the uncanny valley kind of thing.
Yeah.
But I don't know.
No matter how realistic it looks, just standing still like wax figures, there are
wax figures that look very accurate and look very real, but they can't get the
movement right. They can't get the the fluid of the movement right.
These new animatronics at Disney World get damn close, but you can still tell that
there's just something a little off.
Yeah. Would you want to be in a room with just
animatronics all staring at you?
The Hall of Presidents.
Could you sleep there overnight?
Yeah. With Abraham Lincoln, George Washington, Trump staring at you.
You mean Hillary with a wig?
Is that what it is?
It's not confirmed, but if you look at the animatronic for Donald Trump,
it looks like they made Hillary and they're like, oh, she didn't.
And so they had to just like just like South Park, speed through it and turn it
into Donald Trump. Disney appears to fix Donald Trump
animatronic in Hall of Presidents.
The face is for Sherrod Clinton.
Are you looking at the animatronic?
Yes. I mean, these are just still pictures, but this isn't these aren't correct at all.
Biden's upright.
The animatronic for Donald Trump looks like Jeffrey Tambor.
Yeah. This picture I'm looking at is a lot more accurate.
The picture of Biden is not accurate at all.
He has little butthole eyes.
Oh, they should have put they should have put his aviators on.
And he just looks like Walter, the Jeff Dunham puppet.
Yeah.
No. Yeah.
All these. Yeah.
These presidents behind him, who's behind him?
You're talking about Biden?
Yeah. No. Trump.
That guy and that guy like all these other presidents are stoic.
And except for, I mean, whatever pose they got Biden in is ridiculous.
But they yeah, there was definitely some some left leaning.
Okay. Well, he does the talking with us.
I mean, see, maybe I need to see these moving.
Maybe it's just the still pictures that look weird.
Yeah. But I mean, the updated version does look more like him.
It's not as jowly as the first one.
The first one looks very
like a caricature.
I think that's the part of Disney that I would least want to see.
But they also gave him like a super grimace.
This is part of that.
I would definitely wait.
I would wait in line to see.
I don't want to go to Disney.
So that might just be a separate thing.
I don't either.
I think if we go to Disney World
or if we go to Florida, which I'm going in December, if you want to meet us there.
Maybe go to Universal, but I don't think we'd go to Disney World.
We would go to Disney World with the kids, but without them, no, it's
too much silliness.
You don't want to be a Disney adult?
Hell no.
But you could dress as your favorite character.
I'm my favorite character.
In my own story.
Yeah, exude that main character energy.
Yeah, there's a...
Do you know who Jamie French is?
No.
She is a YouTuber and she just came out
with a line of merch and.
She has a sweater that I think I'm going to.
To get for a person in my life that.
Says, what is it?
Supporting character energy.
OK.
Where are you going to get supporting character energy sweatshirts for?
She said she wanted it, so.
I'm a 50 bucks.
I'm a fan of Born to be Mild.
Are you on her website?
She's got some funny stuff.
You should check her out.
Check her out.
And she's.
Starting in to.
Starting to make her way into.
Stand up comedy.
Oh, nice.
I'll definitely have to check her out.
So back to restaurant birthdays.
Yes.
Man, it's taking some wild turns.
Birth week people.
They're always birth week people.
Yeah, that's I cannot stand birthday week.
I can't stand having to celebrate seven anniversaries in a year.
Yeah, birthday week.
No, you get one day.
I mean, devil's advocate.
I understand celebrating your birthday with your different friend groups or your family and your friends or whatever.
But I don't understand what anyone does with a week celebrating them.
I don't even like the day.
Yeah.
I hate my birthday.
Yeah, I get exhausted for Father's Day this year.
We did an arcade that has go-karts and stuff.
And then we went to a Brazilian steakhouse and I was beat after that.
Like, I couldn't imagine doing more stuff than that.
And that wasn't even before my birthday.
For my birthday is a little more low key, but still, it's just.
I mean, for so for Nate's birthday, which he just celebrated, we did a weekend.
So it was like Friday through Sunday worth of events.
Which was fine.
I mean, I don't think it was I guess we maybe did Friday and Saturday.
No, it was all three days.
But like it wasn't I feel like that much.
But if the tables were turned and we were celebrating me for three days, it would drive me crazy.
Yeah.
I don't even like birthday dinners, though.
So I'm probably the weird one in that situation.
The past few years.
I mean, what? This year we went to an Italian restaurant for your birthday.
Yeah.
Probably the past two, three years before then.
It was just hibachi.
So at least then it's dinner and a show.
But you don't really have to sit there and talk to each other.
Yeah.
Because you're trying to eavesdrop.
Why we go to hibachi.
Because you're trying to eavesdrop on the awkward date that's going on.
And the next seat over.
The biggest disappointment in going to hibachi for your birthday is that everyone
at hibachi is at hibachi for their birthday.
So every table.
Mm hmm.
Yeah.
There's always something.
Are you celebrating anything?
You better not be.
Yeah.
Move me or move them.
Someone's got to go.
I'm here for the show.
And if I don't get the shrimp thrown at me, I'm be pissed.
If little num nuts over here gets the shrimp because, oh, it's my birthday.
I want to see a birth certificate.
Wow.
Yeah.
You want to see the birth certificate.
I'm going to be a birther.
Yeah.
Gross.
Show me the proof that you deserve that shrimp tossed in your face.
Proof is in the pudding pops.
Last time we went, though, we got egg thrown at us.
Yeah.
Boy, did I have egg on my face.
No, I caught it first try.
No big deal.
I was there next to a graduation.
Graduating high school.
She took about seven tries and this guy's just flinging egg at her over and over
again. At some point, it's just mean.
Right.
Yeah.
I felt like that after the second one.
Like, hey, she got two tries.
Like, maybe she's not going to make it happen.
She still didn't have it after the seventh try.
And I think the eggs were getting overdone.
That's why he stopped.
If I miss it on the first one, you just you don't have to give me a second chance.
Yeah.
Or the except it move on.
Or the chefs that you're like, hey, you want it?
You want it?
And then you're like, no, no.
Come on.
No, I don't know.
No, don't make me come across this grill
and beat your ass because I don't want it.
I don't want to look like an idiot.
Whenever you throw something, it completely misses and hits me in the eye.
And then all of a sudden I have soy sauce in my eyeball and I'm suing.
So you don't want that either.
You don't want the smoke.
So move on.
Wow. All right.
I'm trying to offer you free food.
It's not free food.
It's food I'm going to get anyways on a plate reasonably served to me, not thrown at me.
It's not reasonably served to you if you
signed up for something that includes an onion volcano.
That's a kind of pageantry.
You sign up for the whole thing.
I unfortunately always signed up for people singing to me.
Yeah.
I don't know, man.
I don't know. All I'm saying, all I'm saying, just saying,
is that when I go to dinner,
I am not.
Trying to be a trained seal.
I'm not trying to catch the fish in my mouth.
Yeah.
Broaden your horizons, man.
I mean, that's just not me.
Just not me.
Damn shame.
Last time we went, did they throw food at your face?
I think I got a shrimp tossed at me.
I might be wrong, but I think I got a shrimp tossed at me.
It would be so funny.
It would definitely be a lawsuit.
But if they like forced you to try to catch the shrimp,
but you're like definitely allergic to shellfish and so it just hits you in the
face and then you just crumple to the ground.
The last time I was there,
we got a lady at our table who was allergic to shellfish
and they still cooked like they cooked everything separately,
but they cooked lobster in with her food.
Like she got lobster.
I was like, I don't do I not understand how shellfish work?
Because I don't.
Isn't it fish with a shell?
That's how I understand it.
Is a lobster not a fish with a shell?
I would think a crustacean would be.
Yeah.
She said she had a shellfish allergy and got a lobster tail.
Did she share it?
No, she's being real shellfish.
But I spent half of the meal trying to figure out if she was really
allergic to shellfish.
Yeah.
Last time we went, this woman was I don't remember what she was allergic to.
It's like two things.
And she looks over to me and she's like, well, that's what happens when you get
older. And I was like, oh, OK.
Thanks.
I mean, I feel like I'm pretty old, not as old as you.
But thanks.
And they just they completely cooked her
food in the kitchen and none of her stuff was cooked with us.
And then they just brought it out.
They brought it out first.
Like they brought her food out and then ours was done like 15 minutes later.
That's awkward.
I don't remember.
It was I think her food had to be cooked
in low sodium soy sauce.
OK, I think that was that was one of the things.
But then there was another thing, too, that she also asked them to do.
And so they were just like, yeah, I'll just cook this back here and we'll bring it to you.
So your Hibachi just turned into Panda Express.
That's the
P.F. Chang's, I guess, would be more comparable.
I don't like P.F. Chang's.
And I haven't been to a Panda Express in forever.
I haven't either.
And I'm pretty proud of that.
I like Panda Express.
Panda Express or or Subway.
I can't tell you the last time I was at a Subway.
I'm a Jimmy Johns person.
I used to go there all the time. Jersey Mike's.
So yin and yang.
I don't like Subway because their bread is cake.
So legally in I think it's Ireland,
Subway's bread contains enough sugar to be considered cake.
Oh, and that idea has stuck with me.
And now I don't eat Subway because there's a lot of reasons I don't eat Subway.
But one of the reasons that I don't eat Subway is because their bread has so much
sugar it is considered legally in some places cake.
I wish that I could tell you that it was this grandstanding thing because of the
other controversies that Subway's had.
Yeah, I mean, I'm not looking for us to get sued, but they also employed Jared Fogle.
So I feel like I can probably get away with saying a lot.
Their chicken is disgusting.
I've seen some stuff on other chicken.
That's what I used to get.
I used to get like the.
The teriyaki chicken.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah. And it was just once I saw it, I was like, that's not for me, dog.
Yeah, the.
They also got sued because there was speculation that their tuna was actually dolphin.
They won.
So their tuna is tuna, but they also built a website that said, don't worry, our tuna is tuna.
And that feels like one of those things that if you have to defend yourself, you kind of lost.
That keeps coming back.
Yeah.
And it seems like the opposite should be true.
Like if you defend yourself, it means you believe in it enough and your stance enough
that maybe it's not true, but I would say eight times out of ten,
if you feel the need to defend yourself about something, you're probably guilty of at least a portion of it.
But yeah, the subway website subway tuna is real underlined tuna.
Yeah, that's not that's not the best look.
That's not a vote of confidence for you.
No.
You know, the only thing that would make subway worse.
As if they also sing happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday to you.
Do you want this toasted?
Did you say extra mayo?
Do you want salt and pepper?
Yeah, that would make the whole subway experience so much worse.
I don't think you can make the subway experience worse.
Subway is the most confusing restaurant chain.
Do you know it's like the I think it's the largest restaurant chain in the States.
I believe that because you don't actually have to have any kind of restaurant hookups to run a subway.
No, you just need a refrigerator.
If you have outlets, you're fine.
You can open a subway.
I don't like that kind of flexibility.
You don't have to have like oven.
Well, I guess you have to have ovens, but you can use like the countertop ones.
Can you imagine going to a subway and you're like you're starving and they make they put the meat and cheese on your sandwich.
Do you want toasted?
And then they just pop it in a Cuisinart.
Easy baked nonsense.
And then did you want cheese? And then they just take some Kraft Singles and slap it on there.
Which, I mean, they're not far from that now.
Well, don't they have like deli slicers now?
So they're trying to get all bougie.
Yeah. Yeah. They're trying to say, hey, look at that.
It's not fooling anyone.
That was Robert.
He was saying hi.
Robert. Yeah.
He used to live here.
I don't know if he died in the house, but he's definitely dead now.
Ah, OK.
I thought you were talking about our earlier conversation, Robert Sylvester Kelly.
Oh, no, no.
I mean, maybe.
Maybe. I don't know how far his powers go.
Maybe there was something about that cult.
Yeah.
Something drew all those women.
I'm going to join Jared Leto's cult.
I think that's a logical next step for me.
I can't stand Jared Leto.
I used to get told I looked like him, which hurt my feelings real bad.
I don't think it's an unfair comparison, but it's
not cool.
There's a joke in there somewhere.
It'll come to you.
I had a joke for you from yesterday.
That's the best I could come up with.
From yesterday.
Yeah. Is that a 30 seconds to Mars song?
It is. Oh, you didn't know that?
No. Oh, OK.
I thought that was the lead into an actual joke.
No, it was a song called From Yesterday.
Well, I don't like 30 seconds to Mars.
It's probably a bad time to mention that.
I saw, good Lord, another TikTok reference.
I saw someone who was like probably second row at a 30 seconds to Mars show.
And it's the chorus of one of their songs.
Jared Leto sings about two words of it.
And then the rest of it is just, you sing it.
I hate that. Really? So much.
Yes. It can be abused very easily.
But I like it one time in a concert.
You have to pick it.
Like, as an artist, I feel like you have to pick it very specifically.
I love whenever artists that are a little past their prime
use that as an excuse to not sing the high notes.
Oh, yeah.
I always want them just a little bit to fail whenever they do that.
Oh, my God.
Just a little bit.
There's a little intrusive part of my brain that's like,
what if nobody knows the words to this song?
That would be hilarious.
Who do you think would take that the worst?
Hmm.
Mariah Carey.
Oh, yeah.
I was thinking Garth Brooks.
Yeah.
Well, yeah, we can't stream his music anymore.
Yeah, you can. Amazon Prime, bruh.
God, no.
I'm not getting Amazon Music.
Or Amazon Music. Yeah.
That was the only reason I had Amazon Music for a while.
Yeah.
Not remotely worth it.
No.
But
the local country stations play more Garth Brooks, I think, in their rotation
because that's the only other place you can listen to it.
Have you ever seen Garth?
Like been to one of his shows?
No.
Would you be interested?
I would. Yeah, I would like to see him live.
Do you think he's a fake humble douche?
I don't think he's fake humble.
I think he's just a douche.
Yeah. Which is fine.
I mean, oh, enough to it, man.
He introduces himself as Mr.
Yearwood. Huh.
Uh huh.
Interesting.
He's an interesting dude.
That's why I say he's fake humble, because we have a little inside track
and we know some folks who have known some folks.
Yeah, that is true.
Our moms had a run in with his mom.
RIP, I'm sure.
Our dads had a run in with him when he was incognito.
Incognito is Chris Gaines or?
I don't need to ask dad.
I don't know.
Do you think the people that are close to Garth Brooks are allowed to call him Troil?
I don't think so.
It's a horrible first name.
I want to know where it came from, but.
I think you would be in much deeper water if you called him Chris.
Hey, man, we all had an emo phase at some point.
It's formative.
It's unfortunate that his came with a whole album, but.
And a movie that was scrapped.
Didn't know that.
That's what all of it was based around.
It was going to be a mockumentary.
Really?
About Chris Gaines, this fictional guy, and then Garth Brooks was going to make
an album for the soundtrack.
An album came out.
Everyone hated it and thought that Garth had lost his mind.
And then the movie got canceled.
He's got a bunch of shows coming up in Dublin.
He's big in Ireland.
Really?
One of his live albums is from Dublin.
The live album that is now available on Spotify is from Berlin, I think.
Yeah.
And it is.
Not great.
Is there a reason?
They so it's not a recent concert, but they just put it on Spotify.
It was one of those ones that they decided the other streaming services could have.
But it's got like a bunch of errors in it.
From what I understand, I listen to a couple of the tracks from it.
And he left that slide.
It's not great.
It doesn't seem like him.
I mean, he doesn't care.
All of his money is wrapped up in.
You?
Double Life was one thing I will give Garth.
Troil. Go ahead.
Is that he does give you something live that you don't get on other like the studio
albums like he'll give you.
Whole other versus the songs like the Thunder Rolls.
Did you know there's a third verse on that song?
I did. I heard that one about her popping him.
There's a couple of the ones, too.
I don't remember which ones they are, though.
Yeah, like if I had access to the actual Garth Brooks discography,
I would listen to so much of his music.
Yeah, me too.
And I do.
Usually when I'm driving a long distance, I'll usually put on the Double Life album.
Yeah.
I wish I had the CDs.
Not that would do me a whole lot of good because my car doesn't have a CD player.
But.
And what do you want the CDs for?
Just to be able to listen to it on a physical medium.
I like physical mediums.
I don't like that everything digital.
Do you think CDs are going to come back around like records?
I hope they do.
Yeah.
I don't think they will because it doesn't have the same
kind of playability, but we're circling back technology wise and a lot of things
like the flip phones making a comeback.
I support it.
I would like to get a new flip phone.
If I could just ditch my
my phone that I spend way too much time on now
for something that does all the things I need.
I would.
I don't think my SIM card works on one of those older flip phones.
This new Razer looks silly.
Yeah. Why is that?
I don't know.
I just I don't call it something else.
It's not a Razer.
The one with the screen on the outside.
Yeah.
I have a lot of nostalgia for Razers.
It was a big part of my childhood.
I want a sidekick.
Yeah.
It's like one and a half screens.
This is dumb.
Mm hmm.
I don't want that.
I want an honest to God flip phone where you have to press like the same button four times to get the right letter.
Yeah.
Well, good luck finding that nowadays.
I'm telling you, they're making a comeback.
It's going to happen.
What if I got one of those old people phones like the Jitterbug?
Jitterbug.
You should.
I've thought about getting one of those for the longest time.
I think my life would get so much easier.
Except for navigation.
Yeah, you got that from mom.
Oh, I'm aware.
But maybe if I get lost enough times, I will figure out how to navigate.
And you'd be like a modern day Meriwether Lewis.
Mm hmm.
Or Clark Clarkson.
Like Lenny Leonardson.
Mm hmm.
That's what it was.
Nokia just released a new flip phone.
It's the Nokia 2780.
William Clark.
No, I like Clark Clarkson.
I think that might be for My Name is Earl.
Still looks a little dumb.
It does, yeah.
Track phone.
Flip phone.
Would I still look like a drug dealer if I bought one of these?
Oh, without a doubt.
Or a time traveler from not that long ago.
You already know the reputation you have.
Hey, man.
Steer into the skit sometimes.
At least that means I'm an entrepreneur.
I'm a businesswoman, damn it.
Unless there's anything else you want to talk about.
Yeah, I didn't have...
There wasn't too much I could really dig up on restaurant birthdays.
Because I'm thinking there's a big portion of this that's going to have to get the axe.
It would be heavily edited.
I'd imagine, yeah.
Lots of holes.
Not the good kind.
Oh, the Nokia 2780 is on sale right now.
It is $3 off.
Whoa.
Sounds like a good deal to me.
Which one?
2780?
There's the 2780 8 gig.
$38 at Walmart.
Oh, all right.
Now we're cooking with gas.
I don't know if you have to have consumer cellular.
But unlocked $86.99.
That would be a trip.
Go back to a flip phone.
I think about doing like a digital detox.
Yeah.
Pretty frequently.
Because I spend, like I said, too much of my time online.
Should we go record an episode out in nature?
Yes.
Just have locusts as our background music.
I wonder how difficult that would be.
Because I mean, if you get a quiet enough spot and you have electricity.
You want to record in a cabin in the woods?
I mean, I'd be about it.
Is it tax deductible?
It might be.
I didn't know the Nokia stopped making phones in 2014.
What have they been doing for 10 years?
What else do they make?
I have no idea.
Okay.
So the 2780 has YouTube and Google Maps.
I've been trying to watch YouTube.
Looks like they make TVs, phones, streaming devices, set top devices,
which I'm assuming is like cable boxes, laptop.
Laptop.
Do you think that's the world's most indestructible laptop?
I hope so.
Headphones and speakers, accessories and car accessories.
How long do you think you could last with a flip phone?
You get no TikTok.
I guess technically you get YouTube.
I know I'd probably be a lot more productive.
Yeah.
You get a T9 keyboard, so your texts would have to be short and sweet.
I think I could probably go.
I'm talking about 24 hours.
24 hours. That's it?
No, I mean, like,
yes, like the whole day.
That is the only phone.
Only phone.
You can what about, but you can have other things like a PlayStation.
Yes.
So the only thing that changes is the phone.
I think I could do a week.
And then I think after that, I could probably
I could probably do a long term.
Yeah. Once I got used to it.
I think there's a challenge in there somewhere.
I could take that on.
I mean, how much is an unlocked one?
90 bucks.
Yeah.
Honestly, I feel like it would be so satisfying to text with the physical keyboard again and a whole
and I want physical buttons.
I miss buttons.
I don't like those buttons.
What model is it?
It's the 2780.
Because I don't even type on my keyboard.
I just do a little swipey thing.
How many megapixels do you think this camera is rocking?
A half.
Half a megapixel.
This is the kind of photography you can expect with the 2780,
which just looks like the the Dateline pictures.
You get five megapixels.
It's comparable to the iPhone 4.
2.8 internal LCD plus a 1.77 inch external screen.
512 megabytes of RAM, four gigs of memory plus support for up to 32 gigs.
Oh, OK.
On a micro SD.
I love a good expandable memory slot.
What is the get up to 18 days of standby time from a single charge?
Oh my God.
Comes with video recording and playback.
For one, you want to capture those longer memories in five megapixel glory.
It's included or it's equipped with Google and a browser app,
which is just called Internet.
I love that so much.
In the promotional photos, the only person that's on here is an old lady.
Yeah, because it's basically the jitterbug.
It's 4G.
OK, 5G causes cancer or something.
So I support it.
18 days of standby time.
That's crazy.
So theoretically, we could just keep up the challenge until the battery died in two weeks.
TikTok works.
Oh, that's dangerous.
Is there a way to block it?
Yeah, but you're watching it on a screen about yay big.
I think you'd be fine.
Famous Nokia durability.
That's a Nokia phone.
So you know it's going to be strong and durable, designed to outlast the bumps
and knocks of everyday use.
Up to seven hours of talk time.
I mean, it would require you to make a lot more phone calls.
Because if you have more than one sentence worth of text, you just have to make a phone call.
I mean, I was pretty fast.
I could.
How fast do you think you are now, though?
I don't know.
I don't have any way to test that.
I have a little Blackberry around here.
My thumbs are too fat for that one, though.
I don't understand how any.
I don't know if anyone type on the Blackberry.
Should we should we give this a shot?
Absolutely.
Definitely down for it.
We'll do this.
We'll get these with our first
sponsorship check or whatever we end up getting.
Our first form of cash flow.
The blue one's not big.
This phone doesn't have turn by turn navigation.
Instead, I had to press the upper right button to see the next direction.
It doesn't have voice navigation.
So I avoided driving anywhere I wasn't familiar with.
You're buying a Nokia in 2024.
What do you expect?
All right.
Well, this episode has been mostly just ideas for other episodes.
All right.
Is there anything?
Is there any has your mind changed on restaurant birthdays?
No.
They suck.
They suck now.
And they sucked then they suck now.
I completely agree.
Peace out, Girl Scouts.
Have the day you deserve.
See you.