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Gloria the Glorious versus Hansel and Gretel Inc.

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The Real Story.

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Gather round, kids, for what I'm about to tell you

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is no fairytale.

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Nope, this is the real, unvarnished,

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straight from the cauldron truth about Hansel and Gretel.

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You know, the story they've been sugarcoating for years?

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Yeah, that one.

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Well, today, I'm going to set the record straight.

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And believe me when I say this,

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it ain't all gingerbread houses and happily ever afters.

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So grab your marshmallows and sit tight,

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because this story's got more twists than a pretzel.

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Let me introduce myself first.

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Gloria the Glorious.

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That's right, the so-called wicked witch of this yarn.

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Except, let me tell you, there's nothing wicked about me.

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I was just a humble witch minding my own business

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in my cozy little cottage.

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And yes, before you ask, it's made of gingerbread,

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delicious, eco-friendly, and more importantly,

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architecturally sound.

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Those candy cane support beams, totally up to code.

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Now picture this.

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I'm in my kitchen, whisking up a batch of my world-famous

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chocolate pie, a recipe so secret it's practically

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under lock and hex.

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Passed down from my great, great, great grandma,

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this pie is more than a dessert.

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It's a legacy.

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If it ever got out, it'd cause a pie war so intense,

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it'd make the Great British Bake Off look like a picnic.

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So there I was, humming a little tune

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when suddenly, knock, knock, I open the door, and who do I see?

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Two kids, looking all wide-eyed and pitiful, clutching

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their bellies like they've been starving for weeks.

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Hansel and Gretel, cue the violins.

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Oh, please help us, Gretel wailed, her eyes shining

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with crocodile tears.

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Our stepmother left us to fend for ourselves.

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Right, and I'm the tooth fairy.

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Now, being a witch of remarkable character,

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I've got references if you're interested.

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I invited them in.

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Gave them a hot meal, sat them by the fire,

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even threw in some peppermint hot cocoa,

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because, you know, hospitality.

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But as they were chatting away, I noticed something was off.

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These two weren't just any kids.

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They had the gleam of corporate ambition in their eyes.

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And then, it all clicked.

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Hansel pulled out a fancy leather-bound notebook

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with Hansel and Gretel ink emblazoned on the cover.

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So about this chocolate pie you make, he began,

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all innocent-like.

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What's the secret ingredient?

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Oh, come on.

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Could they be any more obvious?

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My family's secret chocolate pie recipe?

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The one that's been safeguarded for generations,

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protected by spells and hidden away

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like a treasure chest at the bottom of the sea?

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These two were no lost children.

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They were culinary spies.

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Why do you ask?

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I said, my eyebrow shooting up faster than a souffle

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in a hot oven.

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Oh, no reason, Gretel chimed in, smiling sweetly.

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We just thought, you know, maybe we

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could help take your pie to the next level.

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She said it like she just stepped out of a corporate boardroom.

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We're talking global distribution here, Gloria.

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Think of the potential.

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Your name in lights, cooking shows, merchandising.

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You could be the next big thing.

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I leaned in, stirring my tea.

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Let me guess.

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If I don't hand over the recipe,

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you're going to wrap me out to the authorities, huh?

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Hansel smirked.

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Well, we might have to mention to certain people

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that you've got unregistered recipes.

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And let's not forget the local witch hunters.

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They've been on high alert for any questionable activities.

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I took a deep breath, reminding myself that hexing children

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wasn't exactly great for PR.

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So let me get this straight, I said, sarcasm

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dripping from every word.

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You break into my home, demand my family's most prized recipe,

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and then threaten me with witch hunters if I don't give it up.

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Also, you can sell it to some chain of soulless,

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sell-out chefs.

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Am I getting this right?

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Well, when you put it that way, Gretel said with a shrug,

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as if blackmail was part of her daily routine.

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Now, being the quick think in which that I am,

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I decided to play it smart.

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Do you know what tort law is?

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I asked, casually stirring my tea.

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Hansel blinked.

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You mean like pastry torts?

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No, dearies, tort law, as in civil wrongs.

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As in, if you two steal my recipe and ruin my life,

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I will sue you so hard, you'll wish you were back

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in the woods, Gretel raised an eyebrow.

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You're bluffing.

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Am I?

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I smiled sweetly.

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Let's just say witches invented the fine print.

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You don't want to see what kind of contractual magic

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I've got up my sleeve.

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At that, the kids gulped.

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They weren't scared of spells or hexes,

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but the prospect of a legal battle?

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Now, that was something else entirely.

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They knew they were beaten, not by my magic,

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but by my sheer mastery of witchcraft law.

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They mumbled a few excuses and hurried out the door,

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leaving me to my peaceful life and my pies, or so I thought.

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The next morning, I'm sitting down with me tea

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and joy in a quiet moment when suddenly, bam,

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the door flies open.

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And who storms in?

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Law enforcement, flanked by a small army of lawyers

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with briefcases bigger than cauldrons.

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Behind them were Hansel and Gretel,

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looking smugger than a pair of well-fed alley cats.

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There she is, Gretel shouted, pointing at me

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like I was some kind of criminal mastermind.

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That's the witch who tried to bake us into pies,

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one of the officers sighed.

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Ma'am, we have reports of unlicensed magical recipes

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and failure to disclose ingredients.

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We're going to need to ask you a few questions.

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Really?

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This is what we've come to?

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Ingredient transparency?

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Of course, Hansel and Gretel had

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lawyered up with the finest legal team in the land.

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Their lawyers spun the wildest tale you ever heard.

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Something about me tricking the kids,

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luring them in with candy and trying to get this,

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bake them into cupcakes.

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I tried to defend myself, but every time I opened me mouth,

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one of the lawyers threw out another ridiculous accusation.

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They even suggested my gingerbread house

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was a violation of magical building codes.

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The nerve.

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Finally, one of the lawyers pulled me aside.

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Look, Gloria, we can make all of this go away.

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No court case, no charges, nothing.

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Just hand over the pie recipe and we'll forget all about it.

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I stood tall, looking that lawyer square in the eye.

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You want my family's chocolate pie recipe?

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Over my dead broomstick.

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And that's how I ended up here, sitting in a cell,

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writing this on the back of government-issued parchment.

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But don't you worry, kids, the recipe is safe.

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They can lock me up, throw away the key, but no one,

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and I mean no one, is getting their hands

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on me great, great, great grandma's secret pie recipe.

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So the next time you hear someone badmouth in a witch,

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think twice.

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Maybe just maybe they're not the villain.

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Maybe they're just misunderstood and really, really

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good at keeping secrets.

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The end, or is it?