WEBVTT 00:00:00.040 --> 00:00:04.919 You're listening to I Have No Process. I am your 00:00:04.919 --> 00:00:09.820 host, Nicholas England. This is the second episode 00:00:09.820 --> 00:00:15.119 of No Voice, a collection of poetry whose writing 00:00:15.119 --> 00:00:19.980 spanned more than a decade. In the first episode, 00:00:20.260 --> 00:00:24.539 we entertained many surreal vignettes, dreams, 00:00:24.739 --> 00:00:29.760 and nightmares. Now... The poetry is going to 00:00:29.760 --> 00:00:35.219 become a bit more grounded, more personal. But 00:00:35.219 --> 00:00:38.780 don't worry. It's even angstier than anything 00:00:38.780 --> 00:01:35.890 we've shared before. Why bother writing poetry? 00:01:37.329 --> 00:01:40.989 Every generation inherits the controversy regarding 00:01:40.989 --> 00:01:45.609 poetry's social value, and that of art, generally. 00:01:46.930 --> 00:01:50.569 These days, a degree in the fine arts is akin 00:01:50.569 --> 00:01:55.530 to a dunce cap or a bullseye. Fashionable elders 00:01:55.530 --> 00:02:00.040 look at our cohort and wonder. What kind of moron 00:02:00.040 --> 00:02:02.719 takes out student loans to read Russian literature 00:02:02.719 --> 00:02:06.540 with their peers, only to abandon those libraries 00:02:06.540 --> 00:02:09.879 and lecture halls out of predictable necessity, 00:02:10.319 --> 00:02:14.139 to then take up a sustainable career in data 00:02:14.139 --> 00:02:19.659 analysis or real estate instead? The middle class 00:02:19.659 --> 00:02:24.819 is shrinking. We don't need tax reform. We need 00:02:24.819 --> 00:02:28.979 more plumbers and carpenters. agronomists, and 00:02:28.979 --> 00:02:35.599 civil engineers. God is dead, remember? Society 00:02:35.599 --> 00:02:40.219 has no need of shamans or prophets. We have athletes 00:02:40.219 --> 00:02:44.099 and movie stars for that sort of thing, and clever 00:02:44.099 --> 00:02:48.400 memes reminding us that someone out there feels 00:02:48.400 --> 00:02:54.360 the way we do. When you go to the doctor, You 00:02:54.360 --> 00:02:58.939 know the reason why in advance. Your leg hurts. 00:02:59.479 --> 00:03:03.900 Your lungs are full of mucus. Your headache won't 00:03:03.900 --> 00:03:08.419 go away. Or maybe it's simply been too long since 00:03:08.419 --> 00:03:13.139 you had your vitals taken. You're an adult. You 00:03:13.139 --> 00:03:16.139 understand the value of routine maintenance and 00:03:16.139 --> 00:03:19.659 preventative care. Because even when you don't 00:03:19.659 --> 00:03:22.539 know what's wrong with you, You know what could 00:03:22.539 --> 00:03:25.979 be wrong with you, and that's motivation enough 00:03:25.979 --> 00:03:31.039 to seek an exam. Your body has cholesterol levels, 00:03:31.319 --> 00:03:35.740 white blood cell counts. You want their number. 00:03:36.800 --> 00:03:39.340 You don't want to suffer Alzheimer's disease. 00:03:40.379 --> 00:03:45.620 You don't want ovarian cancer. When you go to 00:03:45.620 --> 00:03:48.860 a poem, you can't know ahead of time what you're 00:03:48.860 --> 00:03:53.349 about to hear. Nothing can directly prepare you 00:03:53.349 --> 00:03:56.710 for the experience of opening yourself to the 00:03:56.710 --> 00:04:01.669 text. You can't have a result in mind before 00:04:01.669 --> 00:04:06.229 you start reading. You can't determine the output 00:04:06.229 --> 00:04:11.430 of the poem in advance. Nor can you measure it 00:04:11.430 --> 00:04:14.169 against anything quantifiable within yourself. 00:04:15.389 --> 00:04:20.769 The spirit lacks a pulse. The soul. a waistline. 00:04:22.310 --> 00:04:25.629 A poem either pulls you effectively out of your 00:04:25.629 --> 00:04:31.069 routine observations or it doesn't. No matter 00:04:31.069 --> 00:04:35.089 the talent of the poet, no matter the skill in 00:04:35.089 --> 00:04:39.209 the verse, whether or not a particular poem speaks 00:04:39.209 --> 00:04:45.509 to you is almost impossible to justify. When 00:04:45.509 --> 00:04:48.709 it comes to the construction of a poem, There 00:04:48.709 --> 00:04:51.389 is a proportionate relationship between how complex 00:04:51.389 --> 00:04:55.430 it is and how widely it will be resented by regular 00:04:55.430 --> 00:04:59.850 people. It is the exact opposite of engineering 00:04:59.850 --> 00:05:05.269 in this regard. Like electricity, poetry should 00:05:05.269 --> 00:05:09.490 be for the masses. But if we only designed and 00:05:09.490 --> 00:05:12.470 built turbines that anyone could understand how 00:05:12.470 --> 00:05:16.069 to assemble from scratch, then every turbine 00:05:16.069 --> 00:05:20.050 in the world would be small and our total capacity 00:05:20.050 --> 00:05:24.769 for power greatly diminished. The donkey would 00:05:24.769 --> 00:05:29.149 walk in a circle, the river would push the watermill, 00:05:29.290 --> 00:05:33.329 and we should never have cause to ask for more 00:05:33.329 --> 00:05:38.329 than that. Take heart. We are modern people. 00:05:39.370 --> 00:05:42.509 We have experts who studied physics and chemistry 00:05:42.509 --> 00:05:46.629 and materials sciences to the point that they 00:05:46.629 --> 00:05:49.649 are capable of building nuclear reactors all 00:05:49.649 --> 00:05:53.709 across the world. And now billions of people 00:05:53.709 --> 00:05:56.870 have access to an incredible amount of electric 00:05:56.870 --> 00:06:01.209 power because they get to benefit from the results 00:06:01.209 --> 00:06:06.850 of an esoteric education. You and I can't be 00:06:06.850 --> 00:06:10.310 expected to know how a nuclear reactor really 00:06:10.310 --> 00:06:14.790 functions, all the way down to its depleted uranium. 00:06:16.129 --> 00:06:20.410 The contemporary engineer may be utterly anonymous, 00:06:20.769 --> 00:06:25.709 so long as the product of their education can 00:06:25.709 --> 00:06:29.949 be enjoyed without an education of one's own. 00:06:32.050 --> 00:06:36.050 The poet, on the other hand, does not have this 00:06:36.050 --> 00:06:40.629 luxury. If the poem is to sing in the heart of 00:06:40.629 --> 00:06:44.529 the common man, then the poet must refrain from 00:06:44.529 --> 00:06:46.990 climbing very far up the beanstalk while they 00:06:46.990 --> 00:06:52.449 work. From a certain point of view, I have never 00:06:52.449 --> 00:06:56.269 published a poem in my life, nor will I ever, 00:06:56.430 --> 00:07:01.569 because every poem that I write is just an instruction 00:07:01.569 --> 00:07:05.449 manual. for a poem that you will build within 00:07:05.449 --> 00:07:10.250 your mind. I cannot know what poem you will read 00:07:10.250 --> 00:07:15.230 as you scan my lines. I can only know what I 00:07:15.230 --> 00:07:18.910 have laid out for you within the glittering umbra 00:07:18.910 --> 00:07:25.149 of the potential. The secret is, you write the 00:07:25.149 --> 00:07:29.810 poem when you read it. You either know what I 00:07:29.810 --> 00:07:33.399 mean, or you've never really read a poem before. 00:07:35.660 --> 00:07:38.879 Because of this odd quirk within the transmission 00:07:38.879 --> 00:07:42.860 of artistic meaning, there is nothing to publicly 00:07:42.860 --> 00:07:46.339 celebrate within the bounds of any given poetic 00:07:46.339 --> 00:07:50.259 work. You will never read the headline in your 00:07:50.259 --> 00:07:54.699 newspaper, Poet discovers new phrase unlocking 00:07:54.699 --> 00:08:01.689 glimpse of heaven. It is beyond absurd. For it 00:08:01.689 --> 00:08:05.449 is impossible to have an ecstatic feeling spoon 00:08:05.449 --> 00:08:12.689 -fed. It has to be carved out, discovered, as 00:08:12.689 --> 00:08:15.529 though the reader alone had the astonishing ability 00:08:15.529 --> 00:08:21.149 to parse it from the wilderness. As Nabokov said 00:08:21.149 --> 00:08:25.350 in his lectures on literature, every new type 00:08:25.350 --> 00:08:30.550 of writer evolves a new type of reader. Every 00:08:30.550 --> 00:08:35.049 genius produces a legion of young insomniacs. 00:08:36.889 --> 00:08:40.830 An explanation doesn't act as a complement to 00:08:40.830 --> 00:08:45.309 a work of art. It takes the place of the art, 00:08:45.470 --> 00:08:50.870 and with offhanded violence. This fetish for 00:08:50.870 --> 00:08:54.870 plain articulation manifests a whole system of 00:08:54.870 --> 00:09:00.230 parasites, from digests to cliff notes. to bestseller 00:09:00.230 --> 00:09:04.750 lists. We elect to navigate and comprehend these 00:09:04.750 --> 00:09:09.169 media as much as the works they obstruct. Because 00:09:09.169 --> 00:09:12.830 it's easier. Because we don't want to be embarrassed 00:09:12.830 --> 00:09:17.509 misapprehending some vital aspect. Because we're 00:09:17.509 --> 00:09:20.649 used to following the safest paths to our next 00:09:20.649 --> 00:09:25.889 dose of dopamine. Once you follow the logic of 00:09:25.889 --> 00:09:29.330 this, you'll no doubt see how the reader can 00:09:29.330 --> 00:09:35.190 be robbed of their own existence as reader, reduced 00:09:35.190 --> 00:09:40.389 a little more than mere consumer. When you take 00:09:40.389 --> 00:09:45.090 up a poem, be wary of who's really doing the 00:09:45.090 --> 00:09:50.990 reading. Is it the obliging socialite, so cultured 00:09:50.990 --> 00:09:55.289 and up -to -date? Or is it the young insomniac? 00:09:56.000 --> 00:10:02.399 clawing their way out of your mind. If I may 00:10:02.399 --> 00:10:05.240 speak to the poets and other artists listening 00:10:05.240 --> 00:10:08.620 now, know that there are many people who will 00:10:08.620 --> 00:10:13.299 look at your work and summarily ask you one question, 00:10:13.460 --> 00:10:21.840 top of mind. Who is this for? When they do this, 00:10:21.980 --> 00:10:26.409 you will know it is not for them. Even if it 00:10:26.409 --> 00:10:30.950 could have been, the moment they say those words, 00:10:31.149 --> 00:10:36.110 they will have left your audience. Their mantra 00:10:36.110 --> 00:10:41.529 is anathema. Don't get me wrong, understanding 00:10:41.529 --> 00:10:46.210 one's market is a worthwhile effort. But when 00:10:46.210 --> 00:10:50.169 that concern is the first response to your art, 00:10:50.529 --> 00:10:57.809 the game is up. The heretic has no clothes. You'll 00:10:57.809 --> 00:11:01.669 have a choice to make when you respond and after. 00:11:03.009 --> 00:11:06.950 Is it these people you wish to edify and please 00:11:06.950 --> 00:11:11.409 with your craft? Will you contort your aesthetics 00:11:11.409 --> 00:11:16.490 to accommodate their tastes? Illiterate flotsam 00:11:16.490 --> 00:11:19.929 though they may be, it could be wise to keep 00:11:19.929 --> 00:11:23.299 their phantoms close. when next you toil in the 00:11:23.299 --> 00:11:28.700 workshop. After all, we didn't render these works 00:11:28.700 --> 00:11:33.299 only for ourselves. We want to reach friends 00:11:33.299 --> 00:11:38.000 and strangers alike. If everything we conjured 00:11:38.000 --> 00:11:40.840 were tailored exclusively to our own reflection, 00:11:41.399 --> 00:11:45.500 over time our art would take root nowhere but 00:11:45.500 --> 00:11:50.429 in the rank darkness of our rectums. Our poems 00:11:50.429 --> 00:11:54.889 and paintings wouldn't be wise. They'd be clever. 00:11:56.169 --> 00:12:03.710 Can you taste the horror of this? So no, do not 00:12:03.710 --> 00:12:07.269 forsake those who almost willfully miscomprehend 00:12:07.269 --> 00:12:11.590 you. Break yourselves to their inherent hostility. 00:12:12.730 --> 00:12:16.629 Reframe your invitations to them just as you 00:12:16.629 --> 00:12:21.360 would to an acolyte. or sycophant. Yet take it 00:12:21.360 --> 00:12:26.039 only so far. For at the end of the day, this 00:12:26.039 --> 00:12:29.480 cultivation of your aesthetic will be an asymptote. 00:12:30.460 --> 00:12:35.460 You'll never really satisfy these people. You 00:12:35.460 --> 00:12:38.559 will never deliver the result that they've required 00:12:38.559 --> 00:12:44.000 for themselves since before you met. You could 00:12:44.000 --> 00:12:46.980 spend years yoking yourself to their esteem, 00:12:47.440 --> 00:12:50.620 while still holding true to your essential aims 00:12:50.620 --> 00:12:55.139 in an effort to produce a masterful yet savvy 00:12:55.139 --> 00:13:00.279 work of art. And just when you sense that you've 00:13:00.279 --> 00:13:04.759 finally arrived, they will at most see promise 00:13:04.759 --> 00:13:11.460 in you. Nothing more. See, you took the lesson 00:13:11.460 --> 00:13:15.720 of their foils to improve your craft and your 00:13:15.720 --> 00:13:20.370 character. You failed to get the actual message. 00:13:21.029 --> 00:13:24.269 That they meant to turn you into some shiny, 00:13:24.490 --> 00:13:29.250 form -fitting PEZ dispenser. Spewing out content 00:13:29.250 --> 00:13:32.590 for media conglomerates, wrestling for shares 00:13:32.590 --> 00:13:36.210 within a status quo that will easily survive 00:13:36.210 --> 00:13:42.409 you. When you reach that point, it's time to 00:13:42.409 --> 00:13:47.899 grab your bicycle and go home. Whatever you are, 00:13:48.000 --> 00:13:53.720 be it a woodworker or a steel drummer, you have 00:13:53.720 --> 00:13:59.840 an audience. When you're ready, go find them 00:13:59.840 --> 00:14:05.120 and nourish them. If what you do is passionate, 00:14:05.419 --> 00:14:12.039 never stoop. If what you do is artistic, never 00:14:12.039 --> 00:14:17.159 coddle. Assert your challenge without apology. 00:14:18.399 --> 00:14:25.779 Come what may. You've come to me. You think I'm 00:14:25.779 --> 00:14:29.899 in this for the acclaim or the renown. You think 00:14:29.899 --> 00:14:32.960 I have financiers and publishers breathing down 00:14:32.960 --> 00:14:36.940 my neck, insisting that I remove those pesky 00:14:36.940 --> 00:14:42.360 imdashes from my pages. I don't build nuclear 00:14:42.360 --> 00:14:46.899 reactors. If you read a poem blueprint of mine 00:14:46.899 --> 00:14:51.480 and it bounces right off your skull or whooshes 00:14:51.480 --> 00:14:55.779 past your ear, the lights will not go out throughout 00:14:55.779 --> 00:15:01.620 your neighborhood. Nobody's listening. Nobody 00:15:01.620 --> 00:15:10.299 cares. In this moment, I am not with you. I set 00:15:10.299 --> 00:15:15.830 these words down long ago. You are without me. 00:15:17.009 --> 00:15:23.830 You're on your own. Don't you feel it? In this 00:15:23.830 --> 00:16:13.279 moment, you are free. Carabiner. I open the door, 00:16:13.419 --> 00:16:19.320 walk outside, to the car. And in a moment I know. 00:16:20.620 --> 00:16:25.259 Less than a moment, really. Before my hand even 00:16:25.259 --> 00:16:29.320 presses against the contour of my pocket to tap 00:16:29.320 --> 00:16:36.279 its vacancy. I left the key inside. Won't get 00:16:36.279 --> 00:16:40.259 very far without that. I remark, as though reading 00:16:40.259 --> 00:16:45.360 a line from a mock stage play. I often feel that 00:16:45.360 --> 00:16:50.440 I am missing something, either something or I 00:16:50.440 --> 00:16:54.639 am displaced. Even before the door closes behind 00:16:54.639 --> 00:17:00.340 me, it opens in front of me. My eyes will canvas 00:17:00.340 --> 00:17:04.660 the desks and side tables, under stacks of papers, 00:17:04.880 --> 00:17:09.470 in drawers. fingertips scattering across the 00:17:09.470 --> 00:17:14.069 vaults of my wardrobe. The feeling rarely conjures 00:17:14.069 --> 00:17:18.549 anything. If I carried less, perhaps I would 00:17:18.549 --> 00:17:22.529 remember each thing more clearly, discern a searing 00:17:22.529 --> 00:17:28.170 absence. Not wholly germane, but a powerful warmth 00:17:28.170 --> 00:17:31.890 sometimes radiates from my head, like an untended 00:17:31.890 --> 00:17:35.970 foundry. I have to stop thinking, or I'll catch 00:17:35.970 --> 00:17:41.680 a fever. Each moment in life, spent in preparation 00:17:41.680 --> 00:17:47.740 of the next. I blossom into this moment. Everything 00:17:47.740 --> 00:17:53.319 else is a memory. I once had a friend who gave 00:17:53.319 --> 00:17:57.500 up on his dreams. His final offering was a book 00:17:57.500 --> 00:18:02.299 of Rilke's. The bestowal of a name upon a torch. 00:18:03.779 --> 00:18:07.910 He surrendered this to me, like a shadow. merging 00:18:07.910 --> 00:18:13.190 into shade and so the torch became heavy as its 00:18:13.190 --> 00:18:19.069 flames went on parade years have gone and many 00:18:19.069 --> 00:18:23.170 surgeries later i find myself back upon the operating 00:18:23.170 --> 00:18:28.329 table or rather for the first time the anvil 00:18:28.329 --> 00:18:34.289 where stress may now but make me stronger i admit 00:18:34.940 --> 00:18:38.640 I dropped the bright baton this winter. It slipped 00:18:38.640 --> 00:18:43.940 out of my hand. I had to stand very still, with 00:18:43.940 --> 00:18:48.099 eyes closed, lest any trick of the sun betray 00:18:48.099 --> 00:18:53.380 this waking world for that one. Two, three days, 00:18:53.599 --> 00:18:58.859 I recovered what was mine. In no time, a woman 00:18:58.859 --> 00:19:02.279 was sitting on my sofa, demanding that I explain 00:19:02.279 --> 00:19:08.500 how to cope with despair. I told her. Total acceptance. 00:19:10.220 --> 00:19:13.500 If Tsunetomo were my contemporary, he would do 00:19:13.500 --> 00:19:18.160 the same as I. If he ran out of groceries, off 00:19:18.160 --> 00:19:23.599 to the store. I turned to face the apartment 00:19:23.599 --> 00:19:28.839 complex, what I've agreed to call my home. From 00:19:28.839 --> 00:19:32.819 the outside, it is characterless, as nondescript 00:19:32.819 --> 00:19:37.579 as an empty pantry. The bricks in the wall never 00:19:37.579 --> 00:19:42.400 touch. Without eyes or nares, without dripping 00:19:42.400 --> 00:19:46.720 tongues, how can they picture their part, the 00:19:46.720 --> 00:19:51.440 whole? One brick dislodged before we came here. 00:19:52.339 --> 00:19:56.240 It fell into a common garden bed and has lingered 00:19:56.240 --> 00:20:01.940 there. Which is more a brick, the one lying upon 00:20:01.940 --> 00:20:05.819 the ground or the one surrounded by mortar? and 00:20:05.819 --> 00:20:11.160 other bricks. One says to the other, Come, this 00:20:11.160 --> 00:20:16.400 is the way. No atom has any opinion as to what 00:20:16.400 --> 00:20:21.180 it's about. The slug stares up at the dog as 00:20:21.180 --> 00:20:25.519 the dog licks itself. How should I reckon the 00:20:25.519 --> 00:20:29.880 face that moved over the waters? The world has 00:20:29.880 --> 00:20:35.730 the weight of a tone of color. I enter through 00:20:35.730 --> 00:20:39.509 the foyer, just as an Asian man lifting a bicycle 00:20:39.509 --> 00:20:44.109 passes me in the corridor. He descends the seven 00:20:44.109 --> 00:20:47.430 steps of the staircase, then bounces outside, 00:20:47.789 --> 00:20:53.730 without regard. I palm the railing as I climb 00:20:53.730 --> 00:20:58.730 the bisected flights until the top floor. From 00:20:58.730 --> 00:21:02.089 the landing, I look down upon clusters of fungus. 00:21:03.240 --> 00:21:08.180 the spawn of rain upon the awning. A long crack 00:21:08.180 --> 00:21:11.980 runs down the eastern wall, another down the 00:21:11.980 --> 00:21:17.059 west. I pray they are cosmetic, some mere separation 00:21:17.059 --> 00:21:22.559 of plaster, nothing structural. A clock somewhere 00:21:22.559 --> 00:21:27.980 hammers forward, one minute more. I am a teacher 00:21:27.980 --> 00:21:32.579 now, now running late to a lesson. The girls 00:21:32.579 --> 00:21:37.960 call me teacher anyway. I care for them, little 00:21:37.960 --> 00:21:41.700 birds, nesting on the far side of their planet. 00:21:42.920 --> 00:21:46.539 Will I know them when they are grown? It doesn't 00:21:46.539 --> 00:21:50.140 matter. It is enough to know them as we are. 00:21:51.940 --> 00:21:56.480 We study language, the form of things, but they 00:21:56.480 --> 00:22:00.339 ask so many questions, entangling us in substance. 00:22:01.230 --> 00:22:04.829 Life lessons. Feeding marshmallows to children. 00:22:06.630 --> 00:22:09.230 Echoes of conversations I have with my wife. 00:22:10.150 --> 00:22:13.410 The guiding of those who cannot read the hieroglyphs. 00:22:14.910 --> 00:22:19.869 Teaching. Modeling. You drop down to them, then 00:22:19.869 --> 00:22:24.569 climb back out. Training the mind means you don't 00:22:24.569 --> 00:22:28.069 have to listen to it anymore. You let thoughts 00:22:28.069 --> 00:22:32.880 work spontaneously. Without words, proofs, or 00:22:32.880 --> 00:22:37.319 programs. I argue that Luke was a man before 00:22:37.319 --> 00:22:41.180 he went to see the Emperor. I tried to explain 00:22:41.180 --> 00:22:45.380 to my father what it meant to lose a child. Three 00:22:45.380 --> 00:22:51.259 hours of talk. He failed to understand. At last, 00:22:51.319 --> 00:22:55.079 I mentioned a film we had both seen. A tragedy. 00:22:56.500 --> 00:23:03.549 It's like that, I said. My father wept. Where 00:23:03.549 --> 00:23:08.509 do we go when we die? Take a cup of water. Pour 00:23:08.509 --> 00:23:15.049 it back into the sea. Inside, I do not see the 00:23:15.049 --> 00:23:18.369 keys upon the rack. Different jackets in the 00:23:18.369 --> 00:23:22.930 closet. Slacks in the hamper. Yesterday's backpack. 00:23:23.630 --> 00:23:28.950 Or tomorrow's purse. I would ask my wife. If 00:23:28.950 --> 00:23:34.410 she were home, I do not want to call her. The 00:23:34.410 --> 00:23:38.250 keys are not behind my borrowed babbit, nor did 00:23:38.250 --> 00:23:41.650 I place them, for whatever reason, beside blind 00:23:41.650 --> 00:23:46.490 chance. It isn't that things happen despite our 00:23:46.490 --> 00:23:49.769 interests, only then to work out for us when 00:23:49.769 --> 00:23:53.750 all is settled. That we let success conjure doom. 00:23:54.529 --> 00:24:00.240 That we fail. only to defer our triumph. The 00:24:00.240 --> 00:24:04.279 calculating mind is senseless. It measures the 00:24:04.279 --> 00:24:08.859 immeasurable, tries to index the universe, goes 00:24:08.859 --> 00:24:13.480 hungry comparing apples and oranges, pomegranates 00:24:13.480 --> 00:24:18.839 and handkerchiefs. Even if we live in the best 00:24:18.839 --> 00:24:23.059 of all possible worlds, some grass is greener 00:24:23.059 --> 00:24:29.339 than other grass. Where are you standing? Living 00:24:29.339 --> 00:24:33.900 for others, seeking answers, aligning with the 00:24:33.900 --> 00:24:38.279 virtues of public expectation. I do what occurs 00:24:38.279 --> 00:24:45.660 to me. I bide my time. The rest is waste. When 00:24:45.660 --> 00:24:49.680 I was young, I called them fever days. When I 00:24:49.680 --> 00:24:52.599 was swollen with anxiety, I called them days 00:24:52.599 --> 00:24:57.759 lost to the void. They were a clearing, a gap 00:24:57.759 --> 00:25:03.980 between the boy and man. I lived then, too. A 00:25:03.980 --> 00:25:07.480 hermit has a beating heart, especially when the 00:25:07.480 --> 00:25:12.940 mind dances around cause and effect. Enough flogging. 00:25:13.480 --> 00:25:18.119 I learned to give up scaling mountains. The mouths 00:25:18.119 --> 00:25:22.799 of the masters never moved before me. I unfolded. 00:25:23.440 --> 00:25:27.880 like an origami crane. It is the same for those 00:25:27.880 --> 00:25:30.900 who stare at walls until the dinner bell is rung. 00:25:33.119 --> 00:25:38.200 My first teaching is as follows. Calm is the 00:25:38.200 --> 00:25:43.299 lid on the bowl. Peace is the love for everything 00:25:43.299 --> 00:25:49.220 within it. The cricket in the bowl of shit calls 00:25:49.220 --> 00:25:56.690 for you. I should dial my wife, if only it did 00:25:56.690 --> 00:26:00.990 not mean what it means. Stalling for inspiration, 00:26:01.309 --> 00:26:04.630 I stop and gaze upon a painting on the wall. 00:26:06.750 --> 00:26:11.430 Representation, motion in stillness. We yearn 00:26:11.430 --> 00:26:15.670 to leave a mark, even muddy footprints, knowing 00:26:15.670 --> 00:26:19.650 that whenever a star goes dark, somewhere in 00:26:19.650 --> 00:26:23.009 the night sky. It has been gone for centuries. 00:26:25.089 --> 00:26:28.730 I was terrified of Spangler's intellect until 00:26:28.730 --> 00:26:32.089 I learned he also suffered panic attacks, living 00:26:32.089 --> 00:26:36.269 with his mother. I hear that Julius Caesar wept 00:26:36.269 --> 00:26:42.269 once upon the stone of Alexander. It can be difficult 00:26:42.269 --> 00:26:45.849 to remember that da Vinci, no matter his renown, 00:26:46.009 --> 00:26:50.160 shares an equal and overlapping dignity. with 00:26:50.160 --> 00:26:53.720 the anonymous orphan who dies with a needle stuck 00:26:53.720 --> 00:27:00.359 in their arm. So, do not say no to the bull that 00:27:00.359 --> 00:27:04.660 charges at you. Just make it your work to get 00:27:04.660 --> 00:27:10.880 out of the way. My wife answers, though does 00:27:10.880 --> 00:27:13.240 not have any special knowledge regarding the 00:27:13.240 --> 00:27:18.039 keys. She recommends I look where I already looked. 00:27:19.210 --> 00:27:22.630 It is not her problem. Why ought she do differently? 00:27:24.670 --> 00:27:28.309 Then I spot them, the carabiner half -concealed 00:27:28.309 --> 00:27:33.049 beneath some mail bound for the trash can. I 00:27:33.049 --> 00:27:36.630 tell her, and then, with nothing more to say, 00:27:36.829 --> 00:27:44.369 I leave her. Now, somebody write the last line 00:27:44.369 --> 00:28:01.000 here. The tree, the baby, and me. If I didn't 00:28:01.000 --> 00:28:05.880 know better, living here as I do, I'd think this 00:28:05.880 --> 00:28:10.200 was a real rough neighborhood. To glance across 00:28:10.200 --> 00:28:14.180 onyx barricades of wrought iron, blocking the 00:28:14.180 --> 00:28:18.519 narrow portals of interred tenancies, sunken 00:28:18.519 --> 00:28:23.420 businesses. Cascades of packages and trash flowing 00:28:23.420 --> 00:28:28.559 up so many cold, grey stairwells. Each person 00:28:28.559 --> 00:28:34.019 treading past either too young or too old. Nobody 00:28:34.019 --> 00:28:40.680 middle -aged. No one in their prime. The train 00:28:40.680 --> 00:28:45.299 that screeches and aches around each turn, no 00:28:45.299 --> 00:28:49.089 matter how broad the thoroughfare. will stop 00:28:49.089 --> 00:28:53.710 at Blanford Street, east of the university, before 00:28:53.710 --> 00:28:57.829 it performs its inexorable slide down into the 00:28:57.829 --> 00:29:02.430 smooth, spare bowels of the city, which echo, 00:29:02.609 --> 00:29:06.690 as with the hot gusto of a Byzantine pipe organ, 00:29:06.869 --> 00:29:13.809 the ungodly shriek of mechanical friction. At 00:29:13.809 --> 00:29:17.720 that final skybound station, which marks the 00:29:17.720 --> 00:29:20.640 border between what people call downtown and 00:29:20.640 --> 00:29:25.220 whatever else is not downtown, but only looks 00:29:25.220 --> 00:29:28.799 and sounds and sprawls just like the downtowns 00:29:28.799 --> 00:29:33.019 one might find anywhere. In view of Blanford, 00:29:33.160 --> 00:29:38.980 there is a tree, tall and generously bowed, which 00:29:38.980 --> 00:29:43.259 stands unperturbed within its oneness, there 00:29:43.259 --> 00:29:46.500 at the boundary of a metropolis. that has turned 00:29:46.500 --> 00:29:52.240 septic in its uncowed masculinity. Old, angry, 00:29:52.460 --> 00:29:56.859 rheumatic demon, whose day has long since passed. 00:29:57.599 --> 00:30:03.539 Its artifice tangled and calcified. Jostled parade 00:30:03.539 --> 00:30:08.160 of the historic, the intellectual, the working 00:30:08.160 --> 00:30:14.000 class, the transient. Brackish flood of disparate 00:30:14.000 --> 00:30:18.960 diasporas. Every shipwrecked wanderer piled atop 00:30:18.960 --> 00:30:23.900 each other. Backwater of the cramped, defensive, 00:30:24.400 --> 00:30:31.500 self -centered, cool. Yet here, as anywhere, 00:30:31.779 --> 00:30:40.000 a tree is a tree. Vital. Timeless. And even this 00:30:40.000 --> 00:30:44.119 midden heap has more than one. For what is a 00:30:44.119 --> 00:30:49.940 city without its trees? Whenever the train descends 00:30:49.940 --> 00:30:55.180 and the lonely arbor disappears, I think of Kikuchiyo 00:30:55.180 --> 00:31:00.160 in his anguish as he clutches the orphan he saved 00:31:00.160 --> 00:31:17.460 from the mill. This baby is me. the vole. I feel 00:31:17.460 --> 00:31:22.480 robotic at my workbench, another ponderous contraption 00:31:22.480 --> 00:31:26.619 of flesh scratching arthritic questions into 00:31:26.619 --> 00:31:32.640 its skull. I have no use for mirrors. I prefer 00:31:32.640 --> 00:31:36.519 to measure the weight of my breathlessness, the 00:31:36.519 --> 00:31:40.480 heavy shape of the cavity once the air has gone 00:31:40.480 --> 00:31:47.099 out. Existence has compelled my attitude to cherish 00:31:47.099 --> 00:31:51.119 every last setback as the fare of a sacred feast, 00:31:51.500 --> 00:31:56.759 a private promise beckoning a grain of truth. 00:31:58.400 --> 00:32:03.019 It's common to find me prostrate, even genuflecting, 00:32:03.019 --> 00:32:09.700 in spite of my bum knee. I grin and grovel, begging 00:32:09.700 --> 00:32:14.450 aloud for more disappointment. The alternative 00:32:14.450 --> 00:32:21.890 is madness, unyielding grief. The world's great 00:32:21.890 --> 00:32:26.650 vaults and arches, from Potosi to the pyramids, 00:32:26.690 --> 00:32:32.549 and from there the stars. Wave by sober wave, 00:32:32.869 --> 00:32:38.609 their visions dash upon the scree. They won't 00:32:38.609 --> 00:32:42.329 eclipse the silver ring, that vintage ornament. 00:32:43.900 --> 00:32:47.740 reclaimed, fitted down and bound to the permanent 00:32:47.740 --> 00:32:53.420 vigilance of my passive hand. I recognize my 00:32:53.420 --> 00:32:57.720 dreams for what they are, the wakefulness I find 00:32:57.720 --> 00:33:04.119 at the base of their trench. Here the vole burrows 00:33:04.119 --> 00:33:10.119 deep beneath the butte, further and further onto 00:33:10.119 --> 00:33:16.509 stone. Its choices the fewer, the deeper, till 00:33:16.509 --> 00:33:19.490 there is no place left but where the critter 00:33:19.490 --> 00:33:25.230 stands. And that becomes the answer. The forum 00:33:25.230 --> 00:33:34.190 the vole was, somehow, always meant for. I accept 00:33:34.190 --> 00:33:39.220 you, even without knowing you. What impact could 00:33:39.220 --> 00:33:41.839 the facts of the matter have upon my discipline? 00:33:43.640 --> 00:33:47.839 Some poor souls get their legs hewn off, their 00:33:47.839 --> 00:33:52.259 eyes burned out. Others feel the razor slice 00:33:52.259 --> 00:33:57.000 of silver medals, mistakes in championship games. 00:33:58.500 --> 00:34:02.799 What complaint can I maintain that when I set 00:34:02.799 --> 00:34:06.019 my teeth into the swelling sweetness of a peach, 00:34:06.799 --> 00:34:11.400 I do not linger. I chew it scornfully, that I 00:34:11.400 --> 00:34:16.440 could never impart its taste unto another. They 00:34:16.440 --> 00:34:20.659 say that everyone has a book these days. At least 00:34:20.659 --> 00:34:32.199 the peaches speak for themselves. So how's the 00:34:32.199 --> 00:34:38.610 book coming along? Has anyone enjoyed the asking 00:34:38.610 --> 00:34:51.750 of this question? Saltwater When my wife came 00:34:51.750 --> 00:34:55.789 out to fix herself a noodle dish for lunch, she 00:34:55.789 --> 00:34:59.730 hovered over my shoulder to steal a glance at 00:34:59.730 --> 00:35:05.530 my writing. The watched pot boiled. And she ate 00:35:05.530 --> 00:35:20.570 in silence. Love as a process. There is no such 00:35:20.570 --> 00:35:25.869 thing as rational love. Observe it under a microscope. 00:35:26.389 --> 00:35:31.070 Throw its diagrams up in lecture halls. It vanishes. 00:35:32.909 --> 00:35:36.289 I know where to find some typical lovers. In 00:35:36.289 --> 00:35:40.789 a copse or hedgerow. Those turtle doves whose 00:35:40.789 --> 00:35:46.889 wings flutter in daydreams. I have invented nothing. 00:35:47.829 --> 00:35:50.769 The kind of lightning one can capture in a bottle. 00:35:51.389 --> 00:35:55.969 Toss that to the mob. I yearn for you when you 00:35:55.969 --> 00:35:59.789 are here. I do not let my eyelids take their 00:35:59.789 --> 00:36:06.070 rest. Listen. You can hear my heartbeat without 00:36:06.070 --> 00:36:11.610 even pressing your ear upon my breast. What is 00:36:11.610 --> 00:36:15.889 love but to wake up beside you? What is love 00:36:15.889 --> 00:36:20.610 but the smell of peanut oil on our hands? What 00:36:20.610 --> 00:36:27.010 is love but a promise your lips gave mine? Open 00:36:27.010 --> 00:36:31.210 your Melville. Read every last expository word. 00:36:32.429 --> 00:36:38.309 What can you tell me about the whale? Our spirits 00:36:38.309 --> 00:36:43.969 dance together in the quiet of the days. I love 00:36:43.969 --> 00:36:48.969 you. I arrive at these words the same as anyone. 00:36:50.429 --> 00:36:53.570 Do you know what Sisyphus whispers to his stone 00:36:53.570 --> 00:36:59.409 as he pushes it up the mountainside? I belong 00:36:59.409 --> 00:37:04.510 to history. to hopefulness. I have adored you 00:37:04.510 --> 00:37:08.090 for so long, it is hard to pinpoint the moment 00:37:08.090 --> 00:37:13.469 of saltation. Many autumns have I shaken acorns 00:37:13.469 --> 00:37:17.190 from your boughs, just to watch them tumble toward 00:37:17.190 --> 00:37:21.250 the leaf -strewn ground. I carry a basket with 00:37:21.250 --> 00:37:26.070 me now. I gather them. Is that the only difference? 00:37:27.989 --> 00:37:32.349 The teleology of the self. This day led to that 00:37:32.349 --> 00:37:37.769 one. So on. I find it crude to coalesce them 00:37:37.769 --> 00:37:42.710 into a single yesterday. The past fails to ripple 00:37:42.710 --> 00:37:47.250 upon the surface of the present. Those memories, 00:37:47.409 --> 00:37:52.150 hushed within the undertow. Revolutions that 00:37:52.150 --> 00:37:56.570 waned. Lives as long as ours defy biography. 00:37:59.690 --> 00:38:04.010 There is so much to unlearn. The person I once 00:38:04.010 --> 00:38:08.769 ached to be. Cherry -picked composite of misapprehended 00:38:08.769 --> 00:38:14.530 heroes. I stamp my feet upon their faces. Lend 00:38:14.530 --> 00:38:17.630 some spit to the tree roots that crawl over the 00:38:17.630 --> 00:38:22.750 bases of their monuments. When I kneel upon these 00:38:22.750 --> 00:38:27.110 shrines in twilight hours, I like to break out 00:38:27.110 --> 00:38:31.380 yodeling. The song that gushes out is gallant 00:38:31.380 --> 00:38:36.800 lunacy. I send it with purpose. I am not confused 00:38:36.800 --> 00:38:44.059 about why I carry on the way I do. You, the primrose 00:38:44.059 --> 00:38:50.380 of my evening, ask me what is for dinner. I decapitate 00:38:50.380 --> 00:38:54.460 a bottle of champagne with a scimitar, then let 00:38:54.460 --> 00:38:59.849 the fizzle froth upon you like a fumarole. It 00:38:59.849 --> 00:39:02.889 is no business of mine if the sky should fall. 00:39:04.010 --> 00:39:07.130 We haven't stopped collecting acorns in the wilderness. 00:39:08.829 --> 00:39:15.650 I choose life beside you. Life, in all its absurdity, 00:39:15.710 --> 00:39:22.909 its beauty, its caprice. My impermanence is yours. 00:39:24.210 --> 00:39:29.300 What shall we do with it? That is... What shall 00:39:29.300 --> 00:39:33.039 we do after we go and sit out on the porch and 00:39:33.039 --> 00:39:36.539 watch the sun go down over the silvered sea, 00:39:36.800 --> 00:39:42.920 the sun frowning at us a moment as it bids its 00:39:42.920 --> 00:39:48.320 reluctant goodbye? The clouds will swarm under 00:39:48.320 --> 00:39:54.260 a full moon tonight. Come, take us both to Curacao. 00:40:04.119 --> 00:40:11.320 Realized. Hold it all together. Take the long 00:40:11.320 --> 00:40:16.739 view. The ivory vessel could shatter in an instant. 00:40:17.639 --> 00:40:26.840 And it can shatter only once. Don't forget. Did 00:40:26.840 --> 00:40:32.800 you invite this danger in? She asks this of me. 00:40:34.800 --> 00:40:39.800 I already thought of that. It is a tempting notion. 00:40:40.840 --> 00:40:45.980 It has its own logic. But the answer to her question 00:40:45.980 --> 00:40:57.440 is no. Thursday night. I should go to bed. It 00:40:57.440 --> 00:41:01.000 is she who says this, though in the manner of 00:41:01.000 --> 00:41:05.460 one giving a prologue or disclaimer. as if those 00:41:05.460 --> 00:41:09.119 words alone will excuse the incoming torrent 00:41:09.119 --> 00:41:13.659 of half -baked insults, accessory to her percolating, 00:41:13.760 --> 00:41:19.260 undigested thoughts. My wife stays right where 00:41:19.260 --> 00:41:24.940 she is, there on the sofa, then spreads her anxious 00:41:24.940 --> 00:41:30.420 mind about the room. Our friends are better than 00:41:30.420 --> 00:41:35.559 us, the other couples. Each partner has a great 00:41:35.559 --> 00:41:41.079 career. We'll never have the money they do. A 00:41:41.079 --> 00:41:45.019 house needs two incomes, and one of ours is so 00:41:45.019 --> 00:41:49.320 small it barely counts. We'll never be able to 00:41:49.320 --> 00:41:52.900 afford a house in this economy if we're competing 00:41:52.900 --> 00:41:56.860 with our friends. And who wouldn't want to live 00:41:56.860 --> 00:42:02.559 among their friends? It's okay, though. We have 00:42:02.559 --> 00:42:06.380 different values than them. We're not settling 00:42:06.380 --> 00:42:11.239 for less, exactly. It's just that, together, 00:42:11.500 --> 00:42:18.219 we make less. The straw that breaks the husband's 00:42:18.219 --> 00:42:23.320 back. Just a straw. Nothing inherently worthy 00:42:23.320 --> 00:42:28.539 of histrionics. She was half -witted, fatigued, 00:42:28.619 --> 00:42:32.250 didn't mean a word of it. Didn't even say it 00:42:32.250 --> 00:42:36.929 to me, just said it aloud, as though I wasn't 00:42:36.929 --> 00:42:42.469 there. Whatever snaps in me is a long time coming. 00:42:43.630 --> 00:42:46.690 I have braced against her multitude of winds, 00:42:46.969 --> 00:42:52.429 her cauldron of angst, her symphony of woes. 00:42:53.550 --> 00:42:58.050 But what my endurance was for, take that away 00:42:58.050 --> 00:43:06.659 and why brace at all? Friday. The delayed reaction. 00:43:07.800 --> 00:43:13.340 The long fuse. Too long, more often than not. 00:43:15.079 --> 00:43:19.639 I take a walk, despising my surroundings with 00:43:19.639 --> 00:43:24.000 fresh acid. I find a bench behind the school 00:43:24.000 --> 00:43:27.659 of social services at the university my wife 00:43:27.659 --> 00:43:32.900 attends. I wait there. though could not say for 00:43:32.900 --> 00:43:40.500 what. Half an hour. A light rain falls. Everyone 00:43:40.500 --> 00:43:42.880 else collects themselves and heads somewhere 00:43:42.880 --> 00:43:49.420 inside. On the grass. On the berm. By the statues. 00:43:50.019 --> 00:43:54.739 The fountains. No one feels secure enough to 00:43:54.739 --> 00:44:02.340 stay but me. Another disappointment. The drizzle 00:44:02.340 --> 00:44:08.579 ceases. Sunshine returns. New people flock to 00:44:08.579 --> 00:44:14.019 empty tables and open swaths of lawn. I stay 00:44:14.019 --> 00:44:17.840 on the bench in my false presumption of calm. 00:44:19.139 --> 00:44:23.860 False because when I later walk home, with each 00:44:23.860 --> 00:44:28.099 brisk step, my blood whips back toward anger. 00:44:28.800 --> 00:44:32.670 That I am to have the tenth. Or is it twelfth 00:44:32.670 --> 00:44:39.510 variation of a tired conversation? She knows 00:44:39.510 --> 00:44:44.610 we need to talk. When we sit down together, I 00:44:44.610 --> 00:44:47.510 say to her the words she said to me the night 00:44:47.510 --> 00:44:53.329 before. She cannot remember any of it. On the 00:44:53.329 --> 00:45:00.840 same sofa, I utter her words and she weeps. Why 00:45:00.840 --> 00:45:06.440 would I say something so awful? If she is the 00:45:06.440 --> 00:45:10.739 one asking this question, how should either of 00:45:10.739 --> 00:45:14.880 us find the answer? And if she cannot recall 00:45:14.880 --> 00:45:20.599 the degradation a mere 18 hours after, how should 00:45:20.599 --> 00:45:23.599 either of us stop this from becoming anything 00:45:23.599 --> 00:45:30.579 but routine? I do not require reconciliation. 00:45:31.960 --> 00:45:35.980 I do not pursue the feeling that all will be 00:45:35.980 --> 00:45:41.579 well again. Another time is already approaching. 00:45:43.159 --> 00:45:50.079 Always another time now. I must continue to brace. 00:45:51.179 --> 00:45:59.630 I must hold on. I must forgive. Allow. Brace. 00:45:59.809 --> 00:46:04.510 Be generous. Brace. These things take years. 00:46:04.909 --> 00:46:10.949 Hold. Have patience. Hold. Another hold. It's 00:46:10.949 --> 00:46:15.789 okay. Brace. Rather, brace. It will be okay. 00:46:16.090 --> 00:46:20.170 Hold. We've been here before. Brace. With far 00:46:20.170 --> 00:46:24.750 worse. Brace. Can stand up against. Hold. Anything. 00:46:25.329 --> 00:46:32.260 Hold. Anything. Lessons will be braced, learned. 00:46:33.460 --> 00:46:39.159 Growth will be held, earned. No matter what, 00:46:39.400 --> 00:46:44.179 when it matters most, each partner will hold 00:46:44.179 --> 00:46:49.360 up their side of the pact. I have not given up, 00:46:49.400 --> 00:46:55.460 not by any stretch. I have simply given out. 00:46:58.670 --> 00:47:02.769 We go to a concert that night. Three drum sets. 00:47:04.110 --> 00:47:12.710 Starless in Bible black. My spirit wails. I have 00:47:12.710 --> 00:47:18.190 the dream again of the man on the beach. Thirteen 00:47:18.190 --> 00:47:23.250 years, that particular dream. Twenty -nine years, 00:47:23.389 --> 00:47:28.300 give or take, for the archdream. of who I am. 00:47:29.559 --> 00:47:36.300 It feels so far away. Hold, you stupid son of 00:47:36.300 --> 00:47:44.280 a bitch. There's nothing to do but hold. She 00:47:44.280 --> 00:47:49.699 carries me home. I can barely walk, collapsing 00:47:49.699 --> 00:47:54.360 in fits of tears. She does not question them. 00:47:56.039 --> 00:47:59.380 Later, she will say that, when she looked at 00:47:59.380 --> 00:48:06.860 me in the audience, I appeared dead, pale, bloodless. 00:48:08.500 --> 00:48:15.739 Did you enjoy the show? Somewhat. There was some 00:48:15.739 --> 00:48:23.219 bliss hushed within that devastation. Saturday 00:48:24.780 --> 00:48:29.559 I head to work. I listen to the same visitor 00:48:29.559 --> 00:48:35.179 for six hours. We have one of our delicate skirmishes, 00:48:35.440 --> 00:48:43.739 where I believe in him and he does not. Sunday. 00:48:44.659 --> 00:48:50.860 I head to work again. The visitor returns. We 00:48:50.860 --> 00:48:54.889 pick up where we left off, which is to say, all 00:48:54.889 --> 00:49:01.469 over again. Neither of us has slept. We yawn 00:49:01.469 --> 00:49:10.030 throughout our solemn slog. Monday. My one day 00:49:10.030 --> 00:49:15.150 of the week without a shift or lesson. I'm exhausted, 00:49:15.429 --> 00:49:20.469 and I'm running out of runway. Time to summon 00:49:20.469 --> 00:49:25.619 a last -ditch effort. Acupuncture worked a minor 00:49:25.619 --> 00:49:29.519 miracle before, near the end of the bad old days. 00:49:30.780 --> 00:49:34.980 I stagger to a neighborhood clinic, mistrusting 00:49:34.980 --> 00:49:40.420 my own hope for an easy fix. It's sort of peaceful 00:49:40.420 --> 00:49:44.519 there, but I grow to loathe that sitting in the 00:49:44.519 --> 00:49:49.739 dark with my restless heart. When the session 00:49:49.739 --> 00:49:54.860 ends, I cross the street to the dispensary. It 00:49:54.860 --> 00:49:57.800 is my first time entering such an establishment. 00:49:59.159 --> 00:50:05.619 I purchase one bag. It is very affordable. I 00:50:05.619 --> 00:50:09.860 walk home, enveloped by a strange dissociation, 00:50:09.900 --> 00:50:18.239 as in a dream. I am bemused by my station in 00:50:18.239 --> 00:50:24.840 life. The mentor. The teacher. Even the husband. 00:50:26.119 --> 00:50:30.719 The worldly everyman. As though I know a single 00:50:30.719 --> 00:50:36.099 rotten thing about the world. So the vessel shattered. 00:50:36.780 --> 00:50:40.539 The realization is nowhere near so bad as its 00:50:40.539 --> 00:50:45.460 anticipations. The fractured pieces, strewn about. 00:50:46.199 --> 00:50:49.280 Make something new from them for Christ's sake. 00:50:50.440 --> 00:50:55.500 Treat them as an artist does stained glass. Everything 00:50:55.500 --> 00:51:02.260 just as it was, only more so. I concede no regret 00:51:02.260 --> 00:51:06.460 for the tack that brought me here. I executed 00:51:06.460 --> 00:51:10.400 my responsibilities, dauntlessly took on new 00:51:10.400 --> 00:51:15.199 enterprises, endured each challenge without complaint. 00:51:16.699 --> 00:51:20.429 I did well for myself. And for those around me, 00:51:20.530 --> 00:51:27.110 there is no cause for regret, for fear, for shame, 00:51:27.210 --> 00:51:34.230 just because I snapped. I am not bowed. It is 00:51:34.230 --> 00:51:39.030 merely a case of rent nerves. A farmer rotates 00:51:39.030 --> 00:51:42.969 their crops. A general rotates their men amongst 00:51:42.969 --> 00:51:49.010 the lines. Just need a bit of R &R is all. When 00:51:49.010 --> 00:51:51.909 you have my wealth of experience, you don't fret 00:51:51.909 --> 00:51:56.190 uncertain times. You trust that it pans out. 00:51:57.170 --> 00:52:00.710 A person works with what they have, and what 00:52:00.710 --> 00:52:05.449 you have is often plenty. There's no relief in 00:52:05.449 --> 00:52:09.650 self -pity. You follow your instincts and you 00:52:09.650 --> 00:52:12.190 come out the other side and you don't forget 00:52:12.190 --> 00:52:15.210 a damn thing because you're bringing it all with 00:52:15.210 --> 00:52:17.699 you anyway. so you might as well reckon what 00:52:17.699 --> 00:52:20.340 the hell you've been carrying each and every 00:52:20.340 --> 00:52:26.099 day of your life. Do that, and you'll know your 00:52:26.099 --> 00:52:28.139 way through puzzles you've never seen before. 00:52:29.900 --> 00:52:34.780 These symptoms, Monday's symptoms, they'd send 00:52:34.780 --> 00:52:40.019 a lot of folks to the hospital. Dizziness, disorientation, 00:52:40.059 --> 00:52:45.170 tremors, stiffness, shortness of breath. heart 00:52:45.170 --> 00:52:49.050 palpitations, flutterings of panic, exhaustion, 00:52:49.570 --> 00:52:54.809 demoralization, despair, the valid concern that 00:52:54.809 --> 00:52:58.309 years of effort and sacrifice will go unrewarded, 00:52:58.329 --> 00:53:03.210 unrequited, and unsung, and that your most fundamental 00:53:03.210 --> 00:53:07.309 ethical and moral concepts are fruitless anachronisms 00:53:07.309 --> 00:53:11.010 that will yield nothing but embarrassment, poverty, 00:53:11.190 --> 00:53:16.559 and unbreachable solitude. I took care of such 00:53:16.559 --> 00:53:20.079 a man a couple days before, at the drop -in center. 00:53:21.280 --> 00:53:24.900 He was a first -timer, wasn't sure what he was 00:53:24.900 --> 00:53:28.360 doing there. His family had taken him to the 00:53:28.360 --> 00:53:31.800 emergency room, then the doctors sent him to 00:53:31.800 --> 00:53:37.320 the beds. The system placed him there, and then 00:53:37.320 --> 00:53:42.480 he wandered over to me and all my wisdom, and 00:53:42.480 --> 00:53:46.949 I took good care of him. even as I suffered Saturday. 00:53:50.170 --> 00:53:53.110 I call off my lessons for the rest of the week, 00:53:53.190 --> 00:53:58.650 and I call out of work. My employee's handbook 00:53:58.650 --> 00:54:01.250 dictates that if you're out only three days, 00:54:01.469 --> 00:54:05.670 you don't need a doctor's note. My own discretion 00:54:05.670 --> 00:54:10.349 will be sufficient. I am a professional, after 00:54:10.349 --> 00:54:13.750 all, and I know my patient better than anyone. 00:54:16.139 --> 00:54:19.199 The foremost priority is to cut off the adrenaline 00:54:19.199 --> 00:54:23.199 flooding through my neck. The acupuncture was 00:54:23.199 --> 00:54:26.840 a modest opening. Now obliterate the rest with 00:54:26.840 --> 00:54:34.619 cannabis. Sleep and wake refreshed. My methodology 00:54:34.619 --> 00:54:40.239 is sound. The treatment works. The adrenaline, 00:54:40.519 --> 00:54:46.679 at least, is abated. In my ensuing lays, I watch 00:54:46.679 --> 00:54:50.880 a documentary Kozlowski made about workers and 00:54:50.880 --> 00:54:55.320 managers at a factory. In the honesty of their 00:54:55.320 --> 00:54:59.780 efforts, they are enough. Kozlowski films them. 00:55:00.460 --> 00:55:06.639 He is enough. I watch Kozlowski. I am enough. 00:55:08.500 --> 00:55:14.880 My wife comes home. We talk some more. She mentions... 00:55:15.260 --> 00:55:19.099 with rueful predictability, the promise I made 00:55:19.099 --> 00:55:23.079 to her the first month we were together, about 00:55:23.079 --> 00:55:26.300 my mental illness, about how I was recovered, 00:55:26.579 --> 00:55:32.340 how I was never going to kill myself. She brings 00:55:32.340 --> 00:55:36.059 this up as though any episode of mental crisis 00:55:36.059 --> 00:55:40.679 spells utter disaster, an atavistic return that 00:55:40.679 --> 00:55:46.389 renders vows undone. She leans on her own insecurities, 00:55:46.650 --> 00:55:49.989 acting as though my former frailties are not 00:55:49.989 --> 00:55:55.329 exactly what drive my present virtue. As she 00:55:55.329 --> 00:55:57.929 is the person who benefits the most from that 00:55:57.929 --> 00:56:01.989 virtue, she should know the difference without 00:56:01.989 --> 00:56:07.630 being told. My wife's stepmother warned her before 00:56:07.630 --> 00:56:12.449 we moved out here. Artists can be temperamental. 00:56:14.349 --> 00:56:16.769 If a man doesn't do what he feels he's meant 00:56:16.769 --> 00:56:25.050 to, he can crack up. Well, I cracked up. And? 00:56:26.190 --> 00:56:28.730 Would my wife's stepmother like to know why? 00:56:30.449 --> 00:56:32.630 Because it isn't the fact that I'm a provider 00:56:32.630 --> 00:56:37.449 now, instead of the artist of my ideal. It isn't 00:56:37.449 --> 00:56:40.369 that I put all of my seasoned ambitions on hold. 00:56:40.920 --> 00:56:44.340 just for my wife's pursuit of her own self -improvement. 00:56:45.260 --> 00:56:48.940 It isn't my students, my peers, or my employers. 00:56:49.599 --> 00:56:53.019 It isn't the money, the bills, or the privation. 00:56:53.940 --> 00:56:57.440 It isn't steady down the line, or the exacting 00:56:57.440 --> 00:57:01.059 price of vigilance. And it sure as hell isn't 00:57:01.059 --> 00:57:03.760 because I wanted to suicide more days than not 00:57:03.760 --> 00:57:08.340 for nigh on twenty years. I cracked up because 00:57:08.340 --> 00:57:10.820 everything I have done out here, I have done 00:57:10.820 --> 00:57:14.400 for my wife and myself and for the dream of the 00:57:14.400 --> 00:57:17.719 life we want to build together. But I no longer 00:57:17.719 --> 00:57:20.559 trust the life that's being built because I no 00:57:20.559 --> 00:57:26.019 longer trust my wife. Anybody got a rusty knife 00:57:26.019 --> 00:57:35.739 to stick between my ribs for that? On Tuesday, 00:57:35.880 --> 00:57:41.380 a man comes to repair our bathroom door. A different 00:57:41.380 --> 00:57:45.260 man, a man named George, took the measurements 00:57:45.260 --> 00:57:51.159 a week ago, but refused to jot them down. George 00:57:51.159 --> 00:57:54.519 then came back a few days later, measured the 00:57:54.519 --> 00:57:59.699 door again, and again refused to put any figures 00:57:59.699 --> 00:58:04.800 in writing. Tuesday's man performs his duties 00:58:04.800 --> 00:58:10.920 a bit more expertly. From the window, I am surprised 00:58:10.920 --> 00:58:15.239 to hear George's voice outside as he confides 00:58:15.239 --> 00:58:20.519 to the man who is doing his job for him. I can't 00:58:20.519 --> 00:58:25.000 go back up there again. Their work truck has 00:58:25.000 --> 00:58:29.900 a slogan written on its side. It is the slogan 00:58:29.900 --> 00:58:34.920 of the company that manages our property. We 00:58:34.920 --> 00:58:41.369 do it once, we do it right, and we move on. George's 00:58:41.369 --> 00:58:45.210 foibles bring more joy into my life than anything 00:58:45.210 --> 00:58:52.630 I have experienced since Thursday. I listen to 00:58:52.630 --> 00:58:57.250 an old pop song. I am tempted to thrust my hips, 00:58:57.429 --> 00:59:02.849 dance around the apartment some. I saunter over 00:59:02.849 --> 00:59:07.130 to my wife, then flash her a fancy step as if 00:59:07.130 --> 00:59:15.559 to say, See? I remember this. Every now and then, 00:59:15.639 --> 00:59:19.820 a person receives the dossier of their life and 00:59:19.820 --> 00:59:25.119 reads it over. We see what appeals to us, what 00:59:25.119 --> 00:59:31.239 works for us, what we can work with. It often 00:59:31.239 --> 00:59:35.000 feels like playing a part, or even studying an 00:59:35.000 --> 00:59:39.860 opponent. Amidst this current episode, I don't 00:59:39.860 --> 00:59:43.079 feel much like the prisoner, but rather more 00:59:43.079 --> 00:59:48.119 akin to his protean number two. The voice in 00:59:48.119 --> 00:59:51.420 me that fiercely fumes, What's it all about? 00:59:52.480 --> 00:59:57.360 is smaller than the calm, steady authority, which 00:59:57.360 --> 01:00:03.099 replies, Sit down and I'll tell you. Even in 01:00:03.099 --> 01:00:08.940 this novel angst, I feel not in control. but 01:00:08.940 --> 01:00:19.079 in charge, I alone. It is not me, in my entirety, 01:00:19.079 --> 01:00:26.360 that is ailing. It is but one crucial part. So 01:00:26.360 --> 01:00:31.780 nurse it, lend it comfort, then tear the muscle 01:00:31.780 --> 01:00:39.170 that aches for use. I choose to play a game of 01:00:39.170 --> 01:00:43.949 witchers, not just to pass the time, but to have 01:00:43.949 --> 01:00:46.730 someone take me on an adventure for a change. 01:00:48.869 --> 01:00:52.809 Halfway through, a hideous, cursed thing needs 01:00:52.809 --> 01:00:58.309 to be saved. It has to be transformed by a potentially 01:00:58.309 --> 01:01:02.670 fatal procedure in order to recover its lost 01:01:02.670 --> 01:01:08.940 identity. The ritual might not work. The body 01:01:08.940 --> 01:01:13.860 must be made pliable, which is dangerous. But 01:01:13.860 --> 01:01:18.280 sometimes one has no alternative. I know all 01:01:18.280 --> 01:01:23.679 about it. Later, my character comes across another 01:01:23.679 --> 01:01:28.300 cursed person, this time the forlorn leader of 01:01:28.300 --> 01:01:33.110 a rugged island clan. Something called a hyme 01:01:33.110 --> 01:01:38.329 has made a home in his despair. Once freed from 01:01:38.329 --> 01:01:41.670 the clutches of the parasite, the accursed man 01:01:41.670 --> 01:01:44.769 feels as though his spirit has been sucked through 01:01:44.769 --> 01:01:51.510 a whirlpool. He feels empty, rudderless. The 01:01:51.510 --> 01:01:56.550 witcher I am playing says, It is natural. It 01:01:56.550 --> 01:02:06.840 will pass. Days. Weeks. It passes. Wednesday 01:02:06.840 --> 01:02:11.219 brings a bit of gentle mania. I do not mind. 01:02:11.699 --> 01:02:17.500 I saw it coming. I merely ask myself, should 01:02:17.500 --> 01:02:22.699 I write it out or tamp it down? I generally prefer 01:02:22.699 --> 01:02:26.900 to let things fly, to see where strange new waves 01:02:26.900 --> 01:02:31.579 might usher me. There is a song my wife adores. 01:02:32.679 --> 01:02:39.099 It's just a ride. I'm on it now. The self -conscious 01:02:39.099 --> 01:02:43.199 ride. The look how the machinery works inside 01:02:43.199 --> 01:02:47.900 me ride. As though I designed this Nicholas contraption 01:02:47.900 --> 01:02:52.599 ages ago and now have but to explicate its grand 01:02:52.599 --> 01:02:57.929 design. It would be better to discard every memory 01:02:57.929 --> 01:03:03.949 and look around right now. Gaze and gawk slack 01:03:03.949 --> 01:03:09.070 -jawed at my wife. How the light bends around 01:03:09.070 --> 01:03:15.730 her. Observe our cat, who lives always in the 01:03:15.730 --> 01:03:20.789 moment. Regard the books on the shelves, weigh 01:03:20.789 --> 01:03:24.969 the corn in the belly. Add up the money that's 01:03:24.969 --> 01:03:29.369 growing in several different bank accounts. You 01:03:29.369 --> 01:03:35.349 earned it all, whether by valiance or luck. So 01:03:35.349 --> 01:03:45.190 what, precisely, would you have otherwise? I 01:03:45.190 --> 01:03:49.110 handle three jobs, plus the housekeeping and 01:03:49.110 --> 01:03:54.000 the husbanding. Peer work abroad. and peer work 01:03:54.000 --> 01:03:58.579 at home. I am in love with my favorite peer, 01:03:58.820 --> 01:04:03.960 whatever her struggles. Something had to give. 01:04:04.840 --> 01:04:09.519 This breakdown is part of her process too. If 01:04:09.519 --> 01:04:12.880 I always have it together, she will never need 01:04:12.880 --> 01:04:17.880 to be the more capable. Yet sometimes, she must 01:04:17.880 --> 01:04:21.460 be the one to have the answers and to make the 01:04:21.460 --> 01:04:26.380 toughest choices. To watch me suffer will do 01:04:26.380 --> 01:04:30.880 her good. Necessity may not be the mother of 01:04:30.880 --> 01:04:34.280 invention, but it is the mother of reinvention. 01:04:37.420 --> 01:04:42.920 On Thursday, we have a toast with lunch. Here's 01:04:42.920 --> 01:04:46.619 to the fact that life is long and the world is 01:04:46.619 --> 01:04:52.519 so very large. When people say life is short, 01:04:53.289 --> 01:04:58.389 They mean to say, life is precious. It is not 01:04:58.389 --> 01:05:03.050 a way of saying the same thing. And when people 01:05:03.050 --> 01:05:08.469 say, it's a small world, they mean to say, oh, 01:05:08.690 --> 01:05:12.909 what a coincidence, in a world so vast as ours. 01:05:13.989 --> 01:05:19.269 For if the world really were so small, such happenstance 01:05:19.269 --> 01:05:23.940 would never merit mention. To my mind, at least, 01:05:23.960 --> 01:05:29.500 the matter is cut and dried. I harp on it all 01:05:29.500 --> 01:05:37.960 the time. Friday comes at last. The last day 01:05:37.960 --> 01:05:42.420 before I must tend to others. Before honor compels 01:05:42.420 --> 01:05:47.039 me to get back to work. The calculations begin. 01:05:47.820 --> 01:05:52.750 The hours and the tasks. In my heart of hearts, 01:05:52.909 --> 01:05:57.250 I wish I had more time. But then that's to be 01:05:57.250 --> 01:06:00.849 expected from a man preparing to gulp down reality. 01:06:02.429 --> 01:06:06.550 I know my prospects will improve, though there's 01:06:06.550 --> 01:06:11.389 no mistaking, they're dreadful now. Dreadful 01:06:11.389 --> 01:06:15.070 because I was already fairly certain that I've 01:06:15.070 --> 01:06:20.519 been unhappy all this time. And now... With unquestionable 01:06:20.519 --> 01:06:26.599 nakedness, I know it is so. It doesn't matter 01:06:26.599 --> 01:06:29.800 that I've learned so much, that I've performed 01:06:29.800 --> 01:06:36.000 my duties admirably, and so on. At the end of 01:06:36.000 --> 01:06:41.699 the day, this endeavor does not satisfy me. Still, 01:06:41.880 --> 01:06:45.980 I must put on my overalls and trudge back out. 01:06:46.559 --> 01:06:51.320 Into the one life I have. Only now disabused 01:06:51.320 --> 01:06:53.860 of the pretense that I can make the most of it. 01:06:54.219 --> 01:07:00.500 As my mind reels and winds the while. I did well 01:07:00.500 --> 01:07:04.719 for myself. When I was deluded. In the mode. 01:07:06.179 --> 01:07:11.199 So much for carrying on. The time has come to 01:07:11.199 --> 01:07:15.400 draft another ego death. My instruments had better 01:07:15.400 --> 01:07:18.820 be sharp. Or else I'll make a casualty of my 01:07:18.820 --> 01:07:22.659 anesthetized dreams, and the man in me will disappear. 01:07:23.539 --> 01:07:30.000 And all of this virtue, too. It's funny. I'm 01:07:30.000 --> 01:07:32.440 the one who said I'd be happy with my darling 01:07:32.440 --> 01:07:37.059 almost anywhere. Running a gas station in Iowa. 01:07:38.579 --> 01:07:48.320 It's a life. Well, fool me once. Quick as quicksilver, 01:07:48.320 --> 01:07:53.239 I reject this poison. I can't have been a true 01:07:53.239 --> 01:07:56.880 man all this time, then act as though I've become 01:07:56.880 --> 01:08:01.460 some wretched thing. It can't have all been waste. 01:08:02.619 --> 01:08:06.260 I'm not returning to prison, and the gas station 01:08:06.260 --> 01:08:09.739 in Iowa isn't prison anyways, and we're not even 01:08:09.739 --> 01:08:13.519 in Iowa, though part of me wishes we could be. 01:08:15.400 --> 01:08:20.840 I have everything I need, and so does she. We 01:08:20.840 --> 01:08:25.000 are both cresting the wave, walking the path, 01:08:25.260 --> 01:08:32.539 our paths. We are what we are. If that isn't 01:08:32.539 --> 01:08:39.920 enough, nothing ever could be. So, where am I 01:08:39.920 --> 01:08:44.689 to rest the tip of my index? How shall I shift 01:08:44.689 --> 01:08:49.989 my world until it hums? Despair is an annoyance, 01:08:50.069 --> 01:08:55.270 a gnat to be swatted and crushed. Two strokes 01:08:55.270 --> 01:08:59.029 of a pen, two flashes of an oil -soaked brush, 01:08:59.310 --> 01:09:03.869 I will be golden again. I am a sturdy vessel, 01:09:04.170 --> 01:09:08.810 tried and true. Time to resume the business of 01:09:08.810 --> 01:09:13.340 life. Point me in the right direction. Then shoot 01:09:13.340 --> 01:09:17.260 me out of a cannon. Wear shine -bright teeth 01:09:17.260 --> 01:09:22.100 within the sky. I shall meet them anywhere. Be 01:09:22.100 --> 01:09:25.739 the truth, or be a damn good dream of the truth. 01:09:27.359 --> 01:09:31.640 Unmoor me. Let me catch the dead -now wind again. 01:09:32.760 --> 01:09:54.220 And then be off. Time has slowed. I age beyond 01:09:54.220 --> 01:10:02.779 time. Again. Old man. Takes a whole day to do 01:10:02.779 --> 01:10:08.359 my errands. The masculine shape stepping out 01:10:08.359 --> 01:10:13.500 in front of you. Determined. Yet going nowhere. 01:10:15.720 --> 01:10:20.510 And as I walk. The dead leaves dance before me, 01:10:20.670 --> 01:10:28.229 chittering heralds of the cold wind. A man about 01:10:28.229 --> 01:10:34.850 town, a soul in hibernation, serve me up as a 01:10:34.850 --> 01:10:38.569 plate of beef lathered in a Nicholas reduction. 01:10:40.489 --> 01:10:47.119 Make me small, grind me down. Buff out my legion 01:10:47.119 --> 01:10:53.319 jagged edges. When I walk out of here, my eyes 01:10:53.319 --> 01:10:58.079 will be sapphires, and my heart will be a burnished 01:10:58.079 --> 01:11:10.600 stone. Vignettes on the route from South Station 01:11:10.600 --> 01:11:17.020 to Old Saybrook. A boy stands beyond a chain 01:11:17.020 --> 01:11:22.140 -link fence, staring at what he alone can know. 01:11:23.600 --> 01:11:32.140 But look, a slowly curling smile. Through the 01:11:32.140 --> 01:11:38.260 train window, cityscapes slide past. A tent on 01:11:38.260 --> 01:11:44.750 a hillside strewn with trash. An excavator. a 01:11:44.750 --> 01:11:49.550 mound of rubble, the homes that were built for 01:11:49.550 --> 01:11:56.529 our parents. A gray -maned photographer presses 01:11:56.529 --> 01:12:01.949 his nose into a camera, grimacing lest he miss 01:12:01.949 --> 01:12:09.069 the moment. Pine trees keep to their green cloaks 01:12:09.069 --> 01:12:13.699 as autumn's laughter. shivers the naked oaks. 01:12:22.439 --> 01:12:30.020 The Chain Ten years ago, I obtained a copy of 01:12:30.020 --> 01:12:33.479 Edward Gibbon's Rise and Fall of the Roman Empire. 01:12:34.520 --> 01:12:38.560 Crucial as it was to the collection of time -honored 01:12:38.560 --> 01:12:42.710 works I sought to amass for myself, in the vain 01:12:42.710 --> 01:12:46.050 hope that I could blitz and cheat my way into 01:12:46.050 --> 01:12:50.229 a classical education, if only by scraping together 01:12:50.229 --> 01:12:56.029 a bit of hoarfrost. I kept Gibbon's gold -lettered 01:12:56.029 --> 01:13:00.729 spine on my highest shelf, there a daily reminder 01:13:00.729 --> 01:13:06.970 that I must find maturity in its shadow. I took 01:13:06.970 --> 01:13:11.680 a gold chain necklace, the provenance of my grandfather, 01:13:12.060 --> 01:13:17.359 and nestled it inside, there to act as a proper 01:13:17.359 --> 01:13:22.819 bookmark for such a monumental work. The years 01:13:22.819 --> 01:13:29.399 went by. The pages went unread. One day, a student 01:13:29.399 --> 01:13:32.380 of mine asked me to elucidate the history of 01:13:32.380 --> 01:13:38.189 the known world off the top of my head. I knew 01:13:38.189 --> 01:13:41.909 the brushstrokes of Paleolithic man, Unta Ur, 01:13:42.210 --> 01:13:49.170 Vishnu, Confucius, Homer, onward to the satraps 01:13:49.170 --> 01:13:53.229 and armies of the Achaemenid Empire. The road 01:13:53.229 --> 01:13:58.109 led inexorably to Rome. I felt bound to tell 01:13:58.109 --> 01:14:02.489 that tale as vividly as I could, even if it were 01:14:02.489 --> 01:14:05.569 to mean calling upon reinforcement from the dead. 01:14:06.569 --> 01:14:10.529 From Gibbon, bastard though I was to his high 01:14:10.529 --> 01:14:16.689 patronage. That night, at home, I removed the 01:14:16.689 --> 01:14:20.170 magnum opus from its vault. Yet when I opened 01:14:20.170 --> 01:14:23.810 the cover, I saw the chain had been displaced 01:14:23.810 --> 01:14:29.250 and torn a small section three pages deep at 01:14:29.250 --> 01:14:34.329 the center of its base. I was aware it had always 01:14:34.329 --> 01:14:37.729 been impractical. to emplace the heavy chain 01:14:37.729 --> 01:14:42.789 therein. Observing the damage, I suffered only 01:14:42.789 --> 01:14:47.430 the soft sting of perplexion, the absence of 01:14:47.430 --> 01:14:51.630 concern. I promptly surrendered the book to the 01:14:51.630 --> 01:14:55.869 local library, without a thought. Let someone 01:14:55.869 --> 01:15:01.189 else claim its wisdom, for a dollar or not. The 01:15:01.189 --> 01:15:04.510 following week, I told my pupil what little I 01:15:04.510 --> 01:15:08.670 knew of the purple clad, from the genius of Octavian 01:15:08.670 --> 01:15:13.350 to the command of Theodoric, and all was to the 01:15:13.350 --> 01:15:19.149 boy's bombastic glee. In the time since, I have 01:15:19.149 --> 01:15:22.090 kept the chain unadorned upon the bookshelf, 01:15:22.149 --> 01:15:26.590 in plain and present view, that I might take 01:15:26.590 --> 01:15:29.770 it in my hand sometimes and let it drift between 01:15:29.770 --> 01:15:35.229 my fingers. squeeze its gleaming scales, absorb 01:15:35.229 --> 01:15:39.649 the magic of their warmth, the energy of time 01:15:39.649 --> 01:15:45.409 anchored, of influence returned, petroleum wells 01:15:45.409 --> 01:15:50.270 and spark gaps, the constellations of an organizing 01:15:50.270 --> 01:15:56.109 eye, an amulet that testifies in perfect silence. 01:15:56.689 --> 01:15:57.609 Why?