WEBVTT 00:00:00.080 --> 00:00:05.179 You're listening to I have no process. I am your 00:00:05.179 --> 00:00:10.060 host Nicholas England This is the first episode 00:00:10.060 --> 00:00:14.919 of our second season What is titled "No Voice." 00:00:16.480 --> 00:00:20.420 Indeed there is a direct link between "no voice" 00:00:20.420 --> 00:00:26.260 and "no process." The discerning listener will understand 00:00:26.829 --> 00:00:30.609 I have never said that I do not have a process, 00:00:31.589 --> 00:00:37.229 but rather I have no process. It is the same 00:00:37.229 --> 00:00:44.369 for my literary voice. I have a voice. That voice 00:00:44.369 --> 00:00:50.670 is no voice. This isn't a matter of clever semantics. 00:00:51.649 --> 00:00:57.890 It is the most sacred aspect of my art. This 00:00:57.890 --> 00:01:01.829 podcast is produced by Bryce McManus and features 00:01:01.829 --> 00:01:06.409 an original score from Tim McNally. "No Voice" 00:01:06.409 --> 00:01:10.469 will be presented in three episodes in a familiar 00:01:10.469 --> 00:01:16.250 format of monologues and poetry. At season's 00:01:16.250 --> 00:01:18.730 end there will be an ebook of the collection 00:01:18.730 --> 00:01:22.870 available for sale on our Patreon as well as 00:01:22.870 --> 00:01:27.409 a bonus episode for paying members. I want to 00:01:27.409 --> 00:01:30.909 thank everyone in our community for their unwavering 00:01:30.909 --> 00:01:37.290 support. It really has been incredible. So far, 00:01:37.709 --> 00:01:41.010 we've met every goal when it comes to membership 00:01:41.010 --> 00:01:45.930 and financing. But we want to keep growing our 00:01:45.930 --> 00:01:50.370 membership, free or paid, as much as we can. 00:01:51.469 --> 00:01:56.819 This is a big year for us. So please, spread 00:01:56.819 --> 00:02:00.219 the word to those you think would actually enjoy 00:02:00.219 --> 00:02:04.659 this sort of thing. They can follow us on Instagram 00:02:04.659 --> 00:02:09.680 at I Have No Podcast and find all of our materials, 00:02:10.520 --> 00:02:13.740 including membership exclusives, at our Patreon. 00:02:16.080 --> 00:02:21.439 I do insist on saying, I'm sorry it took us so 00:02:21.439 --> 00:02:24.280 long to get this second season to your ears. 00:02:25.479 --> 00:02:29.879 A year ago, I moved onto a property that has 00:02:29.879 --> 00:02:34.319 required unexpectedly colossal effort in terms 00:02:34.319 --> 00:02:38.240 of its early maintenance and improvement, and 00:02:38.240 --> 00:02:41.960 I was seriously ill for multiple months this 00:02:41.960 --> 00:02:47.780 winter. There were delays, but thank goodness 00:02:47.780 --> 00:02:53.699 we made it here. Now, I have but to make the 00:02:53.699 --> 00:02:59.740 wait worth your while. So without further ado... 00:03:51.199 --> 00:03:56.539 Whoever you are, and whenever you are, I want 00:03:56.539 --> 00:04:02.180 you to imagine that I am dead. Depending on when 00:04:02.180 --> 00:04:05.439 you listen to this, I may have passed away just 00:04:05.439 --> 00:04:11.860 yesterday, or last month, or last year, or perhaps 00:04:11.860 --> 00:04:15.819 I died more than a century before you were born. 00:04:16.920 --> 00:04:20.819 Whatever the case may be, whether true, or just 00:04:20.819 --> 00:04:25.959 a fantasy, be it from throat cancer, heart failure, 00:04:26.699 --> 00:04:31.459 or the toil of some gulag, imagine that I am 00:04:31.459 --> 00:04:37.139 gone. For this will beg the question on my mind. 00:04:38.540 --> 00:04:44.139 What earthly work have I left behind? I've thoroughly 00:04:44.139 --> 00:04:47.920 documented my own existence, despite a youthful 00:04:47.920 --> 00:04:52.029 aversion to autobiography. Yet when it comes 00:04:52.029 --> 00:04:55.089 to humanity, I've never written anything that 00:04:55.089 --> 00:05:00.189 was of the moment. I'm not a journalist, nor 00:05:00.189 --> 00:05:04.889 a social critic. I initially trained my creativity 00:05:04.889 --> 00:05:08.269 upon the classics, and thus made my ambition 00:05:08.269 --> 00:05:13.370 beholden only to what is timeless. I've taken 00:05:13.370 --> 00:05:16.290 great pains to remove predictable anachronisms 00:05:16.290 --> 00:05:19.910 from my work. I don't want any of its meaning 00:05:19.910 --> 00:05:24.410 to expire, to be thrown out by future generations 00:05:24.410 --> 00:05:29.050 without a second thought. I've never written 00:05:29.050 --> 00:05:33.110 exclusively for my contemporaries. Indeed, I 00:05:33.110 --> 00:05:36.009 am as interested in speaking to the yet too young 00:05:36.009 --> 00:05:41.209 and the legion unborn as I am to my own generation. 00:05:43.129 --> 00:05:46.569 I think I've always been this way. Though it's 00:05:46.569 --> 00:05:49.970 taken me a long time to have anything real to 00:05:49.970 --> 00:05:56.410 say. I've shed my skin many times. My wife has 00:05:56.410 --> 00:06:01.370 branded me a master of reinvention Though everyone 00:06:01.370 --> 00:06:07.209 has their limits. There was a moment shortly after 00:06:07.209 --> 00:06:12.050 my mother died when my ego was a single speck. 00:06:13.769 --> 00:06:18.290 I experimented with a potential realization that 00:06:18.290 --> 00:06:21.230 if I was ever going to annihilate my lifelong 00:06:21.230 --> 00:06:25.329 urge toward being a man of letters, this was 00:06:25.329 --> 00:06:28.750 my best chance to push the craft from the pier, 00:06:30.089 --> 00:06:34.589 to give up the ghost without pain or remorse. 00:06:36.550 --> 00:06:41.069 My attachment to all plans, hopes, and prophecies 00:06:41.069 --> 00:06:47.860 was threadbare. Stop pretending, I thought. The 00:06:47.860 --> 00:06:52.779 dawn star rises over a new frontier. Don't inhibit 00:06:52.779 --> 00:06:57.180 yourself with familiar aims and designs. You 00:06:57.180 --> 00:07:00.579 aren't the man the boy imagined he would be. 00:07:02.019 --> 00:07:06.720 Life insisted upon itself and eclipsed your dreams. 00:07:08.420 --> 00:07:10.540 You've proved you're strong enough to surrender 00:07:10.540 --> 00:07:14.759 your delusions. So surrender the biggest one. 00:07:15.180 --> 00:07:19.220 Make yourself useful for a change. Serve the 00:07:19.220 --> 00:07:26.779 living. Then may you die without complaint. I 00:07:26.779 --> 00:07:31.720 gazed at this nebula of possibility. I trembled 00:07:31.720 --> 00:07:38.800 violently, and I wept. I tried, but I couldn't 00:07:38.800 --> 00:07:44.540 do it. It was a stupid idea, an offering to a 00:07:44.540 --> 00:07:49.899 false and nameless god. So what if my identity 00:07:49.899 --> 00:07:55.519 is just a dream? The world is a convenient shorthand 00:07:55.519 --> 00:07:59.240 for an incomprehensible mess of various entities. 00:08:00.500 --> 00:08:05.500 The world is a dream. Why shouldn't I follow 00:08:05.500 --> 00:08:12.519 suit? I've only got so much time here. The earth 00:08:12.519 --> 00:08:15.339 interrupts our personal journeys with meaningless 00:08:15.339 --> 00:08:19.899 misadventure all the time. An object falls from 00:08:19.899 --> 00:08:23.540 a construction site only to crush the skull of 00:08:23.540 --> 00:08:28.360 a passerby. A noxious chemical leaches into the 00:08:28.360 --> 00:08:32.580 groundwater of an unassuming neighborhood. A 00:08:32.580 --> 00:08:35.720 mob of people who weren't hugged enough as children 00:08:36.039 --> 00:08:39.340 stone to death a woman whose parents were born 00:08:39.340 --> 00:08:45.320 in a land far away. It's nothing personal, nothing 00:08:45.320 --> 00:08:50.100 purposeful, just collateral damage in a story 00:08:50.100 --> 00:08:55.039 that has no center, no arc, and no lesson at 00:08:55.039 --> 00:09:00.460 the end. Today, in the year of Someone's Lord 00:09:00.460 --> 00:09:05.289 2025, there is an overwhelming amount of meaningless 00:09:05.289 --> 00:09:10.529 misadventure. A lot of personal dreams are dissolving 00:09:10.529 --> 00:09:16.070 as one collective era shifts into another. One 00:09:16.070 --> 00:09:19.750 can practically hear the gears of history cackling 00:09:19.750 --> 00:09:24.669 as they pick up speed. Our daily attentions are 00:09:24.669 --> 00:09:28.070 being taxed more than ever on matters greater 00:09:28.070 --> 00:09:32.460 than ourselves. The pace of change outstrips 00:09:32.460 --> 00:09:36.759 our ability to absorb it. With our heads on the 00:09:36.759 --> 00:09:39.480 swivels of intentionally conflicting headlines, 00:09:40.559 --> 00:09:44.179 we go cross-eyed, glaring at these multiple 00:09:44.179 --> 00:09:49.779 horizons. No matter. We still have bills to pay 00:09:49.779 --> 00:09:54.159 and families to care for. We need to get out 00:09:54.159 --> 00:09:58.460 on a walk before it gets dark. Need to make sure 00:09:58.460 --> 00:10:03.379 we get a good night's sleep Another big day tomorrow. 00:10:03.379 --> 00:10:11.000 Is there really any time for poetry? No less 00:10:11.000 --> 00:10:14.480 poetry that was written before the algorithm 00:10:14.480 --> 00:10:20.399 of reality waxed to its inferno? I don't reckon 00:10:20.399 --> 00:10:25.100 we're living in a very poetic time. Politics reigns 00:10:25.100 --> 00:10:29.779 over religion and philosophy. Postmodernism has 00:10:29.779 --> 00:10:34.159 deconstructed the very act of speaking. The difference 00:10:34.159 --> 00:10:38.139 between bots and humans is blurring more each 00:10:38.139 --> 00:10:44.399 day. We are post-truth. We have attention deficit. 00:10:45.639 --> 00:10:49.600 We inhabit the generational exhaustion of living 00:10:49.600 --> 00:10:55.610 in interesting times. With all that in mind, 00:10:56.389 --> 00:11:00.529 don't you want a little continuity? Don't you 00:11:00.529 --> 00:11:04.750 want something beautiful from the past to come 00:11:04.750 --> 00:11:10.669 with us into the monstrous future? Thomas Gray's 00:11:10.669 --> 00:11:14.450 "Elegy written in a country churchyard" is just 00:11:14.450 --> 00:11:19.889 as poignant now as it ever was. So too, Eden 00:11:19.889 --> 00:11:25.299 Ahbez's "Nature Boy." Don't forget them in an effort 00:11:25.299 --> 00:11:29.740 to make space for more headlines. Don't forget 00:11:29.740 --> 00:11:37.799 them for anything. I'm no Grey or Ahbez. No Angelou 00:11:37.799 --> 00:11:42.500 or Elliot. I'm just some American guy named England 00:11:42.500 --> 00:11:45.940 who made it through life by writing it down. 00:11:47.600 --> 00:11:53.840 Make no mistake, I did it for me. But I think 00:11:53.840 --> 00:12:00.480 you know I did it for you the same. So let's 00:12:00.480 --> 00:12:48.200 indulge each other, shall we? 00:12:48.200 --> 00:12:53.879 I Wish There Were An Alcove. I wish there were an alcove with a 00:12:53.879 --> 00:12:58.519 bench to sit upon, and there, underneath in a 00:12:58.519 --> 00:13:02.559 compartment, a stone box that would whisper up 00:13:02.559 --> 00:13:07.779 to me all those things that I already know, yet 00:13:07.779 --> 00:13:11.620 I'm bound to forget in every day's unyielding vertigo. 00:13:11.620 --> 00:13:26.570 No Other Nature. There is no other nature. 00:13:27.789 --> 00:13:32.830 There is not another earth. There is no destiny 00:13:32.830 --> 00:13:36.450 but where the wind bears our dissevered grass. 00:13:38.149 --> 00:13:42.570 There is no portrait of us. There is not a vault 00:13:42.570 --> 00:13:47.610 in Heaven where such art could hang. There is 00:13:47.610 --> 00:13:52.220 no same dream where you and I kiss, when moonbeams 00:13:52.220 --> 00:13:56.659 fall and undercurrents creep, and clothes descend 00:13:56.659 --> 00:14:02.580 from bodies in the dark There is no family. Your 00:14:02.580 --> 00:14:07.659 blood is yours. There is no creed but a fevered 00:14:07.659 --> 00:14:15.200 excuse. Man is never born. Never dies. Man blooms 00:14:15.200 --> 00:14:20.440 and closes. Drifts unto form, through impulse alone. 00:14:22.059 --> 00:14:24.799 Some men are prone to misconstrue their essence 00:14:24.799 --> 00:14:28.840 for a soul. They mark their days in disparate 00:14:28.840 --> 00:14:34.740 ledgers. Chalk on prison walls. They wail aloud 00:14:34.740 --> 00:14:37.899 and wait to hear the echoes of their detonated 00:14:37.899 --> 00:14:43.379 fragments. The pity of strangers calling themselves 00:14:43.379 --> 00:14:48.200 friends. They pull threadbare that spectral cloth 00:14:48.200 --> 00:14:54.000 of men and men. men and beasts, men and fields, 00:14:54.679 --> 00:14:59.580 men and all the seas. They search for the right 00:14:59.580 --> 00:15:03.620 words, they sculpt stone and fashion candles, 00:15:04.519 --> 00:15:10.980 and this they deem good. Yet, for all that, the 00:15:10.980 --> 00:15:14.679 creatures who walk on four legs shun verisimilitude, 00:15:15.899 --> 00:15:19.950 living unconquered in dens far away. From the 00:15:19.950 --> 00:15:36.090 altars we built upon their shores. 00:15:36.090 --> 00:15:41.190 Parallax Standing in the mood of the well-lit apartment Looking 00:15:41.190 --> 00:15:46.690 out the window Street level with darkness My 00:15:46.690 --> 00:15:54.320 wife asleep in bed I stand alone Feeling as though 00:15:54.320 --> 00:15:58.200 I am the only person in the world who is awake 00:15:58.200 --> 00:16:03.240 The only person in the world who is in danger 00:16:03.240 --> 00:16:10.320 or is safe So anything that might be moving outside 00:16:10.320 --> 00:16:16.370 is a monster Testing the edge of an otherwise 00:16:16.370 --> 00:16:24.269 peaceful evening. I turn in after hours of passive 00:16:24.269 --> 00:16:29.409 lazing, walk to the bathroom to brush my teeth, 00:16:30.549 --> 00:16:35.649 drain my bladder one last time. But then I see 00:16:35.649 --> 00:16:41.330 something strange and unwelcome, an ingrown hair 00:16:41.330 --> 00:16:46.590 sprouting from the shaft of my penis. A slight 00:16:46.590 --> 00:16:52.409 protuberance, like a pimple. A painless nuisance, 00:16:52.990 --> 00:16:57.929 and yet I don't like the look of it at all. I 00:16:57.929 --> 00:17:02.210 pull at the hair a bit. A simple pluck ought 00:17:02.210 --> 00:17:09.069 to do, but what it ought does no good. I flush 00:17:09.069 --> 00:17:14.089 the toilet, grab a pair of tweezers. The water 00:17:14.089 --> 00:17:20.490 swirling. I go at it again, casually, perhaps 00:17:20.490 --> 00:17:25.730 unnecessarily, pull just a bit more forcefully, 00:17:27.029 --> 00:17:33.390 precisely. An incomplete separation forms and 00:17:33.390 --> 00:17:37.910 a thin ring of red pumps around the base of the 00:17:37.910 --> 00:17:45.259 stalk. I went too far, and yet, not far enough. 00:17:46.480 --> 00:17:51.720 A minor mistake, of no great consequence, but 00:17:51.720 --> 00:17:57.819 for the wooziness now overwhelming me. Nausea 00:17:57.819 --> 00:18:03.599 drowning the mind. I gaze into the mirror and 00:18:03.599 --> 00:18:10.480 there is no blood in my face. I hold my heavy 00:18:10.480 --> 00:18:17.549 weightlessness upon the vanity. Only blue, white, 00:18:17.809 --> 00:18:22.250 blue, white, violent white, violent, violent, 00:18:22.529 --> 00:18:25.690 violent, shaking in the belly of a horrible engine, 00:18:26.049 --> 00:18:30.410 blue, white, blue, white, screaming out of blue, 00:18:30.690 --> 00:18:34.670 white, shapeless, into, through, upon the blue 00:18:34.670 --> 00:18:37.930 machinery, white teeth clattering against white 00:18:38.000 --> 00:18:42.500 teeth clattering, each limb spasming, I am holding 00:18:42.500 --> 00:18:47.920 myself, I am holding myself, shaking awake from 00:18:47.920 --> 00:18:53.440 what must be a seizure. I have spawned mid-fainting. 00:18:53.839 --> 00:19:01.619 What name? Where? I am insane. Time is not time. 00:19:02.380 --> 00:19:08.289 Only the primal screaming. Awakened to awakening. 00:19:10.410 --> 00:19:20.089 Edges form. A hand recognized. A receding of 00:19:20.089 --> 00:19:28.049 a kind. A shuddered breath. A return. A man. 00:19:29.250 --> 00:19:36.250 A return of this man. A return of Nicholas. In 00:19:36.250 --> 00:19:42.170 the bathroom. Where it is late. Nicholas' wife 00:19:42.170 --> 00:19:48.450 in the next room, dreaming. There is no need 00:19:48.450 --> 00:19:54.369 to wake her. Are you sure we're not dead? Either 00:19:54.369 --> 00:20:00.930 way, no need to wake her. It was only a fainting 00:20:00.930 --> 00:20:07.119 spell which led to a seizure. and a brief psychosis 00:20:07.119 --> 00:20:12.079 wherein no permanent damage was done, save the 00:20:12.079 --> 00:20:19.720 memory of the thing. So breathe, you idiot. Stay 00:20:19.720 --> 00:20:25.599 down. Don't get up. Don't write a sequel. See 00:20:25.599 --> 00:20:30.279 the door handle there? Scoot over to it. Where 00:20:30.279 --> 00:20:35.200 is your water? Always good to have that. Now 00:20:35.200 --> 00:20:38.480 just crawl out of the bathroom and crawl into 00:20:38.480 --> 00:20:42.500 the bedroom and climb onto the bed and burrow 00:20:42.500 --> 00:20:47.500 into the sheets, with the lights off, just as you 00:20:47.500 --> 00:20:53.579 always do, so as not to disturb her, and then go 00:20:53.579 --> 00:20:58.920 to sleep, the way you ought to do The way you 00:20:58.920 --> 00:21:03.240 would have done if you had just left well enough alone. 00:21:03.240 --> 00:21:20.240 The Washboard. Ramps of plywood face each 00:21:20.240 --> 00:21:26.779 other in a vortex on the crest of the hill. Elevation 00:21:26.779 --> 00:21:32.720 upon elevation, and a space that finds its span 00:21:32.720 --> 00:21:38.000 in foretold motion. The spokes on the wheels 00:21:38.000 --> 00:21:44.259 of my bicycle sparkle in the firelight. The priest's 00:21:44.089 --> 00:21:49.150 sway their censors, chanting their canticles, 00:21:49.869 --> 00:21:53.349 stepping in rhythmic orbits around the altar. 00:21:55.410 --> 00:21:59.750 Riding in circles enclosed within their circles, 00:21:59.950 --> 00:22:04.549 I weave through floating torches, searing my 00:22:04.549 --> 00:22:10.430 unstained cheeks. The washboards upon their chests 00:22:10.430 --> 00:22:16.259 slick with viscera. caked brain manner, strands 00:22:16.259 --> 00:22:26.019 of nerves, scalps, jawbones, minced eyelids. Me and 00:22:26.019 --> 00:22:32.259 the ramps and my figure eights. Their masks rigid. 00:22:32.259 --> 00:22:38.480 Black elephant smiles. Maces and flails dangling 00:22:38.480 --> 00:22:44.269 at their sides. None stop nor threaten my way 00:22:44.269 --> 00:22:51.089 so long as I keep moving like a shark, keep witnessing 00:22:51.089 --> 00:22:58.349 like a child, keep conjuring disgust at my own 00:22:58.349 --> 00:23:14.619 unstanched liquidity. 00:23:14.619 --> 00:23:19.059 The Swamp Orchids in the salon, shifting patterns in the efflorescent 00:23:19.059 --> 00:23:24.339 carpet on the floor, a grim moistness in your 00:23:24.339 --> 00:23:31.880 skin, the creeping clutch of decay. Move into 00:23:31.880 --> 00:23:37.259 a dark bedchamber, flee the color of shapes under 00:23:37.259 --> 00:23:41.700 the canopy shadows of a hyacinth-patterned comforter. 00:23:42.670 --> 00:23:48.730 its murk hushed blooms. Hyperventilating won't 00:23:48.730 --> 00:23:53.269 dissolve the vegetal coursing through you, conscious 00:23:53.269 --> 00:23:58.069 vessel occupied by mycoid sorcerers opening time 00:23:58.069 --> 00:24:04.089 across the known boundaries. Don't dredge, plunge 00:24:04.089 --> 00:24:09.369 into the swamp, its churning, amniotic grime, 00:24:09.809 --> 00:24:14.170 where all bodies submerge, pull off their skin 00:24:14.170 --> 00:24:22.390 and spring again. One oozing death birth. A portal 00:24:22.390 --> 00:24:27.690 opens to the stars, the sky so clear and near 00:24:27.690 --> 00:24:31.630 It can be touched with more than just your eyes. 00:24:31.630 --> 00:24:36.809 Vaulted too in your emptied, pressurized probe. 00:24:38.029 --> 00:24:42.009 The psychic rumbles ripple through ferns and 00:24:42.009 --> 00:24:46.210 trees and the person is gone beyond the world 00:24:46.210 --> 00:24:50.930 Though they left their body resting in a Himalayan 00:24:50.930 --> 00:24:56.410 pose. Barking and growling and yipping like a 00:24:56.410 --> 00:25:03.289 dog, lolling its limp head. A girl gazes vacantly 00:25:03.289 --> 00:25:10.599 around, licking her lips. Each of these your mindless 00:25:10.599 --> 00:25:19.759 meet. Hours drip, scenes change. Parlors, toilets, 00:25:21.019 --> 00:25:26.660 other bedrooms. The loom turns time over and 00:25:26.660 --> 00:25:31.539 shuffles again a dreamscape nebula, complete 00:25:31.539 --> 00:25:37.299 without terminals or fountainheads. The deep 00:25:37.299 --> 00:25:41.660 fear frenzy summons claws and sharp teeth gnashing 00:25:41.660 --> 00:25:45.980 at the body that remembers it's a body, even 00:25:45.980 --> 00:25:53.539 with no person inside to save or watch for. Illusions 00:25:53.539 --> 00:25:56.640 arrive in droves to queue up for the stories 00:25:56.640 --> 00:26:01.519 about who you yester were, but the body is floating 00:26:01.519 --> 00:26:06.230 like a dead lily pad, and the spirit is strung 00:26:06.230 --> 00:26:09.910 throughout the cold gap, dividing the furnace 00:26:09.910 --> 00:26:16.190 of estranged suns. Vectors and orbits emerge 00:26:16.190 --> 00:26:20.829 into view, the energetic disclosure of re-entry, 00:26:22.130 --> 00:26:28.130 the unstoppable deluge of reality, the body shivering 00:26:28.130 --> 00:26:34.789 nakedly, dismantling without a heat shield. 00:26:34.789 --> 00:26:40.029 A crash landing, an immolation, then the long, 00:26:40.369 --> 00:26:47.210 slow, tedious return to the once known. Immersed 00:26:47.210 --> 00:26:51.289 in the sediments of the here, the out there, 00:26:52.569 --> 00:27:00.390 another person, no person, never a person. One 00:27:00.390 --> 00:27:06.700 sip of tea, no more. A nap on the couch where 00:27:06.700 --> 00:27:14.140 it all began. A cool hand on a warm head. Pupils 00:27:14.140 --> 00:27:18.539 locked in dilation. Taking in the imbricated 00:27:18.539 --> 00:27:27.000 seity of zombies, asteroids, you and me. "Will 00:27:27.000 --> 00:27:32.339 I ever be the same?" you ask. As though comfort. 00:27:32.519 --> 00:27:45.940 was the prize you sought. 00:27:48.200 --> 00:27:52.160 A Dog Keeps the Exit. At dusk, I climb the muddy footpaths leading 00:27:52.160 --> 00:27:56.940 up into the hills. My shift at the furnace has 00:27:56.940 --> 00:28:02.400 reached its end. The soot of toil stains my clothing. 00:28:03.819 --> 00:28:07.140 The ashes of industry blanket the border of the 00:28:07.140 --> 00:28:11.599 town's demesne, mixing with the dampness of sod 00:28:11.599 --> 00:28:17.319 and clay caked upon my boots. When I pass the 00:28:17.319 --> 00:28:21.319 crest of lavender and golden grass, and there 00:28:21.319 --> 00:28:25.740 merge into the shapeless dark of the woods, I 00:28:25.740 --> 00:28:28.940 somewhere fall under the piercing flame of an 00:28:28.940 --> 00:28:35.200 owl's gaze. As I clomp toward home, amidst an arcade 00:28:35.200 --> 00:28:41.059 of familiar trees, the sentinel pursues, patiently 00:28:41.059 --> 00:28:47.720 Barely a shadow on a moonless eve. I cross into 00:28:47.720 --> 00:28:51.880 the clearing without my abode. Smell the smoke 00:28:51.880 --> 00:28:56.259 rising from the chimney. Catch the warm glow of 00:28:56.259 --> 00:29:01.779 an oil lamp, gladdening its window pane. A calico 00:29:01.779 --> 00:29:05.539 awaits me on the bridge of the gate, but before 00:29:05.539 --> 00:29:09.359 I can reach her, she lifts and turns her head, 00:29:09.900 --> 00:29:15.559 then bolts and vanishes into the brush. I freeze 00:29:15.559 --> 00:29:19.900 as a mastiff the size of a stallion bursts from 00:29:19.900 --> 00:29:23.420 nowhere beyond the house and clambers toward 00:29:23.420 --> 00:29:29.529 me. With practiced dispassion, it checks my way. 00:29:30.609 --> 00:29:34.910 I spy no hint of motive in its face, no trace 00:29:34.910 --> 00:29:39.930 of cause or claim, whereas I feel penetrated, 00:29:40.630 --> 00:29:44.170 unmasked, as though this creature has known me 00:29:44.170 --> 00:29:50.750 from birth. His fur is silver in the night, his 00:29:50.750 --> 00:29:55.640 eyes the deepest blue. I can taste the wetness 00:29:55.640 --> 00:30:00.619 in his mouth, the iron tang of saliva spools. 00:30:02.299 --> 00:30:06.640 He makes no noise within his throat, his growl 00:30:06.640 --> 00:30:12.819 locked in silence. He simply claps his jaws to 00:30:12.819 --> 00:30:18.660 let his sloppy spit stream between us. Unsure 00:30:18.660 --> 00:30:23.099 what move there is to make, I watch transfixed 00:30:23.309 --> 00:30:27.069 as the beast saunters to the edge of the lawn, 00:30:27.829 --> 00:30:31.170 before the dense canopy of oaks whence I came, 00:30:32.369 --> 00:30:37.589 and there stands firm his ground. He must have 00:30:37.589 --> 00:30:41.150 sensed the winged hunter in the green, for soon 00:30:41.150 --> 00:30:44.809 there starts an awkward rustling of leafy cloaks, 00:30:45.190 --> 00:30:49.349 followed by a clumsy swoop, as the owl takes 00:30:49.349 --> 00:30:54.940 the goad and crashes to the ground. It is a massive 00:30:54.940 --> 00:30:59.799 bird, like to a human dwarf, its slight head 00:30:59.799 --> 00:31:02.980 projecting just beneath my keeper's cavernous 00:31:02.980 --> 00:31:08.140 maw, which with measured lentor begins to yawn. 00:31:09.140 --> 00:31:12.299 The bird must treasure what its amber glare seeks 00:31:12.299 --> 00:31:16.500 amidst those teeth, for it proceeds to bury its 00:31:16.500 --> 00:31:20.099 pitch-covered crown deep within the luring gorge. 00:31:21.380 --> 00:31:25.180 Its prize secured, the mastiff's mouth clamps 00:31:25.180 --> 00:31:31.519 onto that heavy, spongy head. The owl, half sheathed 00:31:31.519 --> 00:31:35.619 and fastened against its will, fails to escape, 00:31:36.539 --> 00:31:41.339 its cramped wings flailing, helpless, no snap 00:31:41.339 --> 00:31:46.299 retreat. Indigo feathers clatter like mails of 00:31:46.299 --> 00:31:51.259 chain as the dog raises its head, the owl's neck 00:31:51.259 --> 00:31:56.069 stretching, tearing, all the bones and tendons 00:31:56.069 --> 00:32:01.289 rupturing, its gruesome moans ending coldly. 00:32:03.190 --> 00:32:06.589 The naked torso spreads its muck upon the ground, 00:32:07.529 --> 00:32:12.230 as the mastiff, spattered with gore, turns to 00:32:12.230 --> 00:32:19.029 face me, trophy safe inside its mouth. It approaches 00:32:19.029 --> 00:32:26.599 and snarls, "I'll leave this here for the women to see." 00:32:26.599 --> 00:32:32.160 Then marches against my wordless plea, 00:32:33.200 --> 00:32:38.720 placing the token of bloodshed at my door. The 00:32:38.720 --> 00:32:43.099 beast runs off into the night. I rush through 00:32:43.099 --> 00:32:46.960 the gate and fall upon the head, lifting its 00:32:46.960 --> 00:32:51.619 greasy weight unto my chest. I wrap it in my 00:32:51.619 --> 00:32:55.170 shirt. horrified that daughter and wife should 00:32:55.170 --> 00:32:59.109 learn what might have slain me on the road 00:32:59.109 --> 00:33:04.769 I delay our embraces, for which I now so ache, to 00:33:04.769 --> 00:33:08.130 creep behind the house and find a spot of shade 00:33:08.130 --> 00:33:12.710 somewhere by the garden wall underneath the bramble 00:33:12.710 --> 00:33:17.609 bush a place where no one goes but in a dream 00:33:17.609 --> 00:33:24.529 to there enshrine within a tomb of mud the totem 00:33:24.529 --> 00:33:40.990 and the augur of my just desserts 00:33:40.990 --> 00:33:46.630 Nightfall The flickering candle closes its flame. Snow falls 00:33:46.630 --> 00:33:51.259 on the black garments of a weary crowd, descended 00:33:51.259 --> 00:33:57.160 around the child. Still, but for the snowflakes 00:33:57.160 --> 00:34:02.599 and flower petals piling atop the casket. The 00:34:02.599 --> 00:34:07.839 chest is lowered into the grave. The women weep. 00:34:08.900 --> 00:34:14.019 The men struggle to shovel the icy earth. Grass 00:34:14.019 --> 00:34:19.400 frozen sharp. Lungs horrified by February's breath. 00:34:21.729 --> 00:34:28.030 Listless gazing, spine blue agony, unmoored from 00:34:28.030 --> 00:34:34.630 sense. The prayers are said. The mourners turn 00:34:34.630 --> 00:34:40.909 away, then trudge the charnel field. There is 00:34:40.909 --> 00:34:45.869 no arc for them now, no sun to ascend the cold 00:34:45.869 --> 00:34:52.639 horizon. No vigil's kindling to awaken their mirth 00:34:52.639 --> 00:34:58.639 One grave is not enough. They need a tomb. A house 00:34:58.639 --> 00:35:05.300 of pure interiors hewn. Residence of silver gloom 00:35:05.300 --> 00:35:18.409 Tilted toward the vague and vacant moon 00:35:18.409 --> 00:35:24.489 The Talk in the Plain How often I second guess each rooted 00:35:24.489 --> 00:35:29.969 expression. In the end, we return to silence. 00:35:30.869 --> 00:35:37.309 Only a larger silence. Heavier. One taut with 00:35:37.309 --> 00:35:43.190 the silhouette of something dispersed. We cannot 00:35:43.190 --> 00:35:47.840 hold what must pass through. We are not changed, 00:35:48.719 --> 00:35:54.219 are not moved, as is so often said. We are left 00:35:54.219 --> 00:35:59.380 behind, then asked to leave ourselves once the 00:35:59.380 --> 00:36:06.340 moment ends. This is the way of grief, the shame 00:36:06.340 --> 00:36:11.920 I feel to get back to work, the day I had planned. 00:36:12.969 --> 00:36:16.570 How disturbing is tomorrow's fresh-dug grave 00:36:16.570 --> 00:36:21.150 if I force myself to banish it, to be practical 00:36:21.150 --> 00:36:27.610 for the living instead. In times like these, 00:36:27.829 --> 00:36:32.230 whenever a point is made or gesture given, we 00:36:32.230 --> 00:36:36.829 sacrifice reality. What rebounds to us is only 00:36:36.829 --> 00:36:41.050 the decoration of mourning, what we wear for the 00:36:41.050 --> 00:36:44.760 sake of the mirror. when no one else is home. 00:36:47.719 --> 00:36:51.820 I ought to pass on writing eulogies. What use 00:36:51.820 --> 00:36:57.260 is there collecting thoughts when I see my face 00:36:57.260 --> 00:37:02.920 where hers should be? In the photographs my cousin 00:37:02.920 --> 00:37:07.900 sent, she turns to me. I can hear her voice, 00:37:08.679 --> 00:37:12.300 the gentle crack in her wry and rural drawl. 00:37:13.079 --> 00:37:17.440 Woman I never knew, in spite of our time together, 00:37:18.659 --> 00:37:24.059 the span of my life. When she first held me, 00:37:24.420 --> 00:37:28.619 she was already old, already on the far side 00:37:28.619 --> 00:37:34.920 of her dreams, and she kept her mind close. I 00:37:34.920 --> 00:37:38.800 loved her as a child, cherished her as a man, 00:37:39.639 --> 00:37:48.230 but it is ridiculous to say I knew her. In this 00:37:48.230 --> 00:37:52.269 restless wake, upon the reservoir of consciousness, 00:37:53.710 --> 00:37:58.489 an oar will be pulled from its scull. It will 00:37:58.489 --> 00:38:19.210 drip, and drip, drip and then... 00:38:19.210 --> 00:38:24.570 Mykines Mist clung to the island like frozen breath. The village 00:38:24.570 --> 00:38:29.530 was empty. Its people had left for the day to 00:38:29.530 --> 00:38:33.710 go shopping, to surrender the beauty of their 00:38:33.710 --> 00:38:39.429 backyards to us. Scholars believe the Irish were 00:38:39.429 --> 00:38:43.849 here first. Those priests who rode their fortunes 00:38:43.849 --> 00:38:48.329 on hide-stretched sails. Rowboats foundering 00:38:48.329 --> 00:38:53.590 in God's cupped hands. Historians continue to 00:38:53.590 --> 00:38:57.989 pour over the stones of forgotten walls. The 00:38:57.989 --> 00:39:01.929 homes of men who wanted for a life without neighbors. 00:39:03.849 --> 00:39:07.170 Saksun has tried to curb the tide of its euphoric 00:39:07.170 --> 00:39:11.190 invaders. Those who trace the Viking roots of yore 00:39:11.190 --> 00:39:17.389 From the Volga to Vinland, each market between 00:39:17.389 --> 00:39:22.190 Whatever their intentions, people come to the 00:39:22.190 --> 00:39:26.650 Faroes to die all the time. They hike slopes 00:39:26.650 --> 00:39:30.610 without trails, in slick grass and sheep shit, 00:39:30.610 --> 00:39:34.429 to crest a ledge and peer out over the Atlantic 00:39:34.429 --> 00:39:40.489 Then disappear. Without bothering to check into 00:39:40.489 --> 00:39:44.489 hotels or lodges, jumping straight into rental 00:39:44.489 --> 00:39:48.869 cars with salt-encrusted brakes, the pilgrims 00:39:48.869 --> 00:39:53.389 waste no time lurching off toward their own ends. 00:39:55.329 --> 00:39:58.909 The Faroese come to fetch the bodies, without 00:39:58.909 --> 00:40:03.289 names or relations, and add them to the ledger. 00:40:06.639 --> 00:40:11.280 We climbed to the northern rim of Mykines, meeting 00:40:11.280 --> 00:40:14.599 the pasture fence near the top of the cliff. 00:40:15.800 --> 00:40:19.880 Fog filled the narrow corridor, away from the 00:40:19.880 --> 00:40:24.380 signs warning us of landslides, the island's 00:40:24.380 --> 00:40:28.159 neck unable to bear the weight of our enterprise. 00:40:30.260 --> 00:40:34.260 We lingered a while with the photographers and 00:40:34.260 --> 00:40:38.840 their puffins. Soundless silhouettes gliding 00:40:38.840 --> 00:40:44.139 through the vapor. Once we moved on, we were 00:40:44.139 --> 00:40:49.159 mostly alone. When we paused, we could hear the 00:40:49.159 --> 00:40:54.199 waves crashing into the rocks below. No arrows 00:40:54.199 --> 00:40:58.420 or ribbons showed the way. Nothing manicured 00:40:58.420 --> 00:41:03.559 or meant for us. The pasture fence turned and 00:41:03.559 --> 00:41:07.840 we walked into the middle of a slanted expanse. 00:41:08.559 --> 00:41:12.880 And there, before the threshold of the next enclosure, 00:41:14.199 --> 00:41:19.400 we met the only horse living on the island. 00:41:19.400 --> 00:41:22.280 A stallion who charged like thunder out of the fog, 00:41:22.280 --> 00:41:28.000 charged out of the fog, determined for us. 00:41:29.219 --> 00:41:34.199 We spun. and ran, then spun back around. My wife 00:41:34.199 --> 00:41:37.940 broke down the hillside, leaving me to face the 00:41:37.940 --> 00:41:42.579 cataract of hooves upon my own. He came to me 00:41:42.579 --> 00:41:46.500 in a rage, came to catch me by the neck and toss 00:41:46.500 --> 00:41:51.099 me to the sea, came to rid his mind of the poison 00:41:51.099 --> 00:41:55.480 that had summoned him to me. And like a matador, 00:41:55.800 --> 00:42:00.019 I let him come. Let him come on a full-tilt 00:42:00.019 --> 00:42:03.880 run. Let him come till he couldn't help but take 00:42:03.880 --> 00:42:07.840 the high ground, though it wasn't mine to cede. 00:42:09.760 --> 00:42:14.340 He halted at arm's reach, with a snarl and a 00:42:14.340 --> 00:42:19.360 stare, his wild eyes menacing the body of my 00:42:19.360 --> 00:42:24.360 bride. I raised my hands to demonstrate my sheer 00:42:24.360 --> 00:42:29.130 subservience. The artifice, the weakness of my 00:42:29.130 --> 00:42:35.349 human nature. We breathed hard together, our 00:42:35.349 --> 00:42:41.070 tempers burning the island's cold shroud, exhalations 00:42:41.070 --> 00:42:46.670 fusing with the mist. I stood beneath the horse 00:42:46.670 --> 00:42:49.750 who'd galloped like a ghost in a twilight fair, 00:42:51.110 --> 00:42:55.780 a stranded beast in a dwindling circus, binding 00:42:55.780 --> 00:43:01.940 us to frank and frantic witness. One long minute 00:43:01.940 --> 00:43:08.199 fell between us. A static swirl of bewilderment. 00:43:08.199 --> 00:43:14.780 Wordless pacts sealed in fear. Then, as if in 00:43:14.780 --> 00:43:18.579 a straitjacket, he tore off the way we'd come 00:43:18.579 --> 00:43:22.880 Taking up the attack once more against his constant 00:43:22.880 --> 00:43:27.400 and unyielding foe. The limit of his durance. 00:43:28.300 --> 00:43:33.159 The emblem of his woe. That ten-foot gap between 00:43:33.159 --> 00:43:35.760 the pasture fence and the sea below.