1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:07,840 You're listening to I Have No Process. I am your host, Nicholas England. 2 00:00:07,840 --> 00:00:14,040 You've made it to the end of our first season. We certainly thank you for your 3 00:00:14,040 --> 00:00:20,480 time and your attention. The podcast will be going on hiatus until our next season 4 00:00:20,480 --> 00:00:27,240 of poetry is ready to be released. In the meantime, if hearing Janet's story has 5 00:00:27,240 --> 00:00:32,040 somehow urged you toward philanthropy, Max and I recommend donating to the 6 00:00:32,040 --> 00:00:37,440 Lustgarten Foundation, which focuses on funding the detection and treatment of 7 00:00:37,440 --> 00:00:58,840 pancreatic cancer. Cases are on the rise, so take care. 8 00:01:37,800 --> 00:01:50,840 The moment mom died, I wasn't sad. I was angry. I stumbled to the backyard to release my vigilance, to 9 00:01:50,840 --> 00:02:06,680 let it all out, drop to my knees and scream, "FUUUUUUUCCCCKKKKKKKK." I didn't do it. Something held me back. 10 00:02:06,680 --> 00:02:17,640 Notions of decency. The children who live next door. That night, we opened the five 11 00:02:17,640 --> 00:02:21,480 best bottles of wine in the house. 12 00:02:21,640 --> 00:02:29,560 Once they wheeled her body away, we were elated. We didn't have to worry about her 13 00:02:29,560 --> 00:02:31,880 anymore. 14 00:02:32,520 --> 00:02:39,720 The following day brought even more relief. So much calm amongst us. So much 15 00:02:39,720 --> 00:02:48,120 solidarity. We could breathe again. We started getting organized. 16 00:02:48,760 --> 00:02:57,320 The day after that was when everything turned to shit. The dread returned. 17 00:02:57,320 --> 00:03:04,440 All the people to call. Paperwork to fill out. Banks. 18 00:03:04,600 --> 00:03:09,080 "We're so sorry for your loss and we totally understand what you're going 19 00:03:09,080 --> 00:03:13,080 "through, but if you don't keep the payments on time we will come after you 20 00:03:13,080 --> 00:03:16,120 "for everything you have." 21 00:03:16,840 --> 00:03:21,640 We threw on a Padres game for the first time since the stroke. 22 00:03:21,640 --> 00:03:25,000 It didn't mean anything to us. 23 00:03:25,160 --> 00:03:30,200 We watched another one the next day. Purely out of habit. 24 00:03:30,200 --> 00:03:33,400 Strained obligation. 25 00:03:33,400 --> 00:03:41,160 I was growing angstier and angrier. My poetry was becoming distinctly 26 00:03:41,160 --> 00:03:43,880 unpoetic. 27 00:03:44,200 --> 00:03:50,360 I had to ease up. I knew the answer was not to cavil. 28 00:03:50,360 --> 00:03:54,680 That's not what this ritual was ever meant for. 29 00:03:55,000 --> 00:04:02,680 I calmed myself down. Stepped away from caring about baseball entirely. 30 00:04:02,680 --> 00:04:09,960 Yet I kept to the practice of writing. Kept tending to business in Vermont. 31 00:04:12,040 --> 00:04:19,720 Twelve days after mom passed, I came home. I decided to watch the Padres take on 32 00:04:19,720 --> 00:04:22,360 the Giants. 33 00:04:22,440 --> 00:04:28,360 If the CIA had designed a means by which to torture me, they couldn't have 34 00:04:28,360 --> 00:04:36,280 improved upon the Padres methodology. Losing the same way, and I mean 35 00:04:36,280 --> 00:04:47,160 the same unconscionable way, over and over and over and over again. 36 00:04:48,600 --> 00:04:56,040 It was the 72nd game of the season. I refused to write about it. 37 00:04:56,040 --> 00:04:59,000 I was done. 38 00:05:00,120 --> 00:05:08,920 I had initially aimed for all 162, but 71 would have to do. 39 00:05:09,800 --> 00:05:15,240 When I went back to see what the final poem proved to be, I had the pleasure of 40 00:05:15,240 --> 00:05:19,320 bearing witness to an immense irony. 41 00:05:19,480 --> 00:05:24,200 It hadn't been written as a conclusion, and yet it couldn't have accomplished a 42 00:05:24,200 --> 00:05:27,160 more perfect end. 43 00:05:27,720 --> 00:05:32,840 I was satisfied to leave things just where they stood. 44 00:05:33,320 --> 00:05:39,400 Mom was gone. I wasn't watching baseball anymore. 45 00:05:39,400 --> 00:05:54,600 The ritual was over. 46 00:06:09,400 --> 00:06:37,880 Game 63. Padres 9. Rockies 6. June 9, 2023. 47 00:06:37,880 --> 00:06:42,600 I am nauseated by my obligation to comfort you 48 00:06:42,600 --> 00:06:49,560 as I go about this joyless work, erasing the remnants of Mom's daily life 49 00:06:49,560 --> 00:06:53,560 without pausing to yearn for her. 50 00:06:53,720 --> 00:06:58,840 But please, remind me in repeated terms how close we were, 51 00:06:58,840 --> 00:07:04,600 how I was the light of her world, how young you thought she was, and how 52 00:07:04,600 --> 00:07:11,400 fast she went. Not even three months from the time you heard. 53 00:07:11,400 --> 00:07:15,880 Tell me again about how she didn't live to see me publish anything, 54 00:07:15,880 --> 00:07:19,880 but you'd still like a signed copy of my book, 55 00:07:19,880 --> 00:07:26,280 before it becomes a best seller, of course. Tell me how we can use her death 56 00:07:26,280 --> 00:07:32,280 as an excuse to start new charities. A scholarship, perhaps. She always put 57 00:07:32,280 --> 00:07:36,760 children first. I have the regalia to prove it. 58 00:07:36,760 --> 00:07:41,160 Coffee mugs from the school district. PTA pins. 59 00:07:41,160 --> 00:07:44,440 Hey, tell me how you'd like to buy some roller skates. 60 00:07:44,440 --> 00:07:48,120 No, that was meant for another thread. That was your mistake. 61 00:07:48,120 --> 00:07:52,120 You didn't mean it. You're sorry. You're sorry. 62 00:07:52,120 --> 00:08:02,760 I understand it is my privilege to forgive you. 63 00:08:02,760 --> 00:08:12,440 Game 64. Padres 3. Rockies 2. June 10th, 2023. 64 00:08:13,080 --> 00:08:19,320 The broadcasters display an infographic regarding the young starting pitcher, Ryan Weathers. 65 00:08:19,320 --> 00:08:25,400 When Weathers is ahead in the count 0-1, 66 00:08:25,400 --> 00:08:32,120 opponents are hitting .200. But when Weathers falls behind 1-0, 67 00:08:32,120 --> 00:08:36,360 opponents hit comfortably over .300. 68 00:08:36,440 --> 00:08:40,920 And that's it. That's the graphic. 69 00:08:41,240 --> 00:08:46,360 "Stay ahead in the count, young blood!" I suppose that's all they were trying to say. 70 00:08:46,360 --> 00:08:51,880 But is this 100-plus point disparity unusual? 71 00:08:51,880 --> 00:08:58,920 O, wardens of the great sport of baseball, 72 00:08:58,920 --> 00:09:04,920 with your famed proclivity for stats. What is the average variance for 73 00:09:04,920 --> 00:09:09,480 pitchers 0-1 vs. 1-0? 74 00:09:09,480 --> 00:09:15,480 Tell me, so I can tell if Weathers' is remarkable or not. 75 00:09:15,480 --> 00:09:21,160 Or what about for just starting pitchers? What about for starting pitchers with an 76 00:09:21,160 --> 00:09:26,760 ERA below 3? Is there a strong correlation between 77 00:09:26,760 --> 00:09:31,000 excellence and low variability in the count? 78 00:09:31,000 --> 00:09:35,960 Do the best pitchers keep things level when they fall behind? 79 00:09:35,960 --> 00:09:41,080 What about the least successful pitchers? What stories do their relevant numbers betray? 80 00:09:41,080 --> 00:09:46,920 Because if you don't illustrate that much, 81 00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:50,680 then what you just told me doesn't mean anything. 82 00:09:50,680 --> 00:09:56,680 And your empirical bent reveals itself as careless self-indulgence and 83 00:09:56,680 --> 00:09:59,400 pomposity. 84 00:09:59,400 --> 00:10:10,840 Now, what else can I find to bitch about? 85 00:10:10,840 --> 00:10:18,840 Game 65. Padres 4. Rockies 5. June 11, 2023. 86 00:10:18,840 --> 00:10:24,840 Sink our teeth into some other pet peeves, shall we? 87 00:10:24,840 --> 00:10:30,680 1. Microwaves that keep beeping after you've already opened them. 88 00:10:30,680 --> 00:10:37,960 2. Parents or partners demanding from other rooms that certain chores be done 89 00:10:37,960 --> 00:10:42,280 when you're already in the middle of doing them. 90 00:10:42,280 --> 00:10:49,000 3. Sympathy cards 4. Medical professionals telling you that 91 00:10:49,000 --> 00:10:53,160 you'll get the end-of-life medication in 7-10 days 92 00:10:53,160 --> 00:10:57,880 when the law clearly states there is a 14-day window between visits with the prescriber. 93 00:10:57,880 --> 00:11:03,240 5. The fact that we learn lessons 94 00:11:03,240 --> 00:11:10,760 after everything has gone to hell, if we bother learning anything at all. 95 00:11:10,760 --> 00:11:16,040 6. How often bread comes pre-buttered at restaurants. 96 00:11:16,040 --> 00:11:22,760 7. How often calorie counters will sip on their third glass of chardonnay. 97 00:11:22,760 --> 00:11:29,960 8. NIMBYs. Don't get me started on the NIMBYs, nor on 98 00:11:29,960 --> 00:11:35,960 9. Mom's suppleness to authority. Her persistent wish to do whatever she was told, 99 00:11:35,960 --> 00:11:40,520 going with the flow as a form of docility. 100 00:11:40,520 --> 00:11:45,640 How I begged mom to call palliative care 101 00:11:45,640 --> 00:11:50,120 from the beginning, but she wouldn't have it because 102 00:11:50,120 --> 00:11:55,800 the doctors said she wouldn't need that till the end. 103 00:11:56,520 --> 00:12:03,000 And yet, for all that, what really ticks me off today is 104 00:12:03,000 --> 00:12:09,000 10. Bob Melvin cutting bait with a 12-strike-out master class from Snell 105 00:12:09,000 --> 00:12:16,600 by throwing Garcia into a two-run game. Garcia. God love him. 106 00:12:16,600 --> 00:12:23,320 Who naturally records one out before an exquisitely secured lead 107 00:12:23,320 --> 00:12:27,000 becomes a routine stalemate. 108 00:12:27,480 --> 00:12:33,720 I don't care about the result. It's the energy behind the choice. 109 00:12:33,720 --> 00:12:40,520 The stubbornness, the meanness, the sloth, the apathy. 110 00:12:40,520 --> 00:12:46,440 Throwing shit against the wall and calling it philosophy. 111 00:12:46,440 --> 00:12:53,960 Every season is a mandala, sure. Every game is a mandala. All creation 112 00:12:53,960 --> 00:12:59,800 is a mandala. Streaming in spirals around the zenith of an ever-shifting 113 00:12:59,800 --> 00:13:04,760 nothingness. But so long as people are going to get up 114 00:13:04,760 --> 00:13:11,080 in the morning and pursue some purpose, so long as anything can mean anything to 115 00:13:11,080 --> 00:13:15,640 anybody, for one asshole to come along and upend 116 00:13:15,640 --> 00:13:20,200 the table on which the incomplete mandala rests. 117 00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:24,840 If that's all you've got, Bob, why don't you just shave your head and go find a 118 00:13:24,840 --> 00:13:27,960 gate to dance behind? 119 00:13:33,880 --> 00:13:43,160 Game 66. Guardians 3. Padres 6. June 13th, 2023. 120 00:13:43,160 --> 00:13:51,960 What is a memory that no one remembers? We cannot go on carrying her relations 121 00:13:51,960 --> 00:13:55,400 as though they were our own. 122 00:13:55,720 --> 00:13:59,080 Our mother is dead. 123 00:13:59,480 --> 00:14:05,160 We burn her baby blanket, then run from the fumes. 124 00:14:05,160 --> 00:14:19,400 Game 67. Guardians 0. Padres 5. June 14th, 2023. 125 00:14:19,640 --> 00:14:24,920 At Unitarian Universalist Church, the Sunday service of worship will feature a 126 00:14:24,920 --> 00:14:30,280 pulpit address by the minister, the Reverend Jane Rzepka, entitled 127 00:14:30,280 --> 00:14:35,720 "What's the Point of Life?" The dedication of Nicholas England will also be celebrated. 128 00:14:35,720 --> 00:14:43,240 Old newspaper clippings and art working. 129 00:14:49,080 --> 00:14:58,920 Game 68. Guardians 8. Padres 6. June 15th, 2023. 130 00:14:58,920 --> 00:15:07,800 The most sacred rule in existence. Never speak unless you must. 131 00:15:07,800 --> 00:15:17,480 You must find a way to still your tongue without all this chewing on honeybees. 132 00:15:17,480 --> 00:15:25,240 Game 69. 133 00:15:25,240 --> 00:15:32,360 Rays 6. Padres 2. June 16th, 2023. 134 00:15:32,600 --> 00:15:37,080 Do not drive me into the interior of myself, 135 00:15:37,080 --> 00:15:40,840 then ask where I have gone. 136 00:15:40,840 --> 00:15:48,680 When sadness becomes bottomless, there is no use squaring the accounts. 137 00:15:48,680 --> 00:15:54,040 There is but to observe the green mountain through your bedroom window, 138 00:15:54,040 --> 00:16:00,520 with your back turned on anyone who's ever loved you. 139 00:16:00,520 --> 00:16:16,440 Game 70. Rays 0. Padres 2. June 17th, 2023. 140 00:16:16,840 --> 00:16:25,960 Does it bother you to sit in a room alone with nothing but your thoughts? 141 00:16:25,960 --> 00:16:33,320 Then why should it bother you to share that quiet room with me? 142 00:16:40,840 --> 00:16:50,840 Game 71. Rays 4. Padres 5. June 18th, 2023. 143 00:16:51,400 --> 00:16:55,720 If I really had something worth teaching you, 144 00:16:55,720 --> 00:17:01,080 I should never be able to open my mouth again.