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You're listening to I Have No Process.

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I am your host, Nicholas England.

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This is the fourth episode of 71.

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Shortly after receiving the biopsy,

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Mom had an appointment with oncology to discuss prognosis and treatment.

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Max and I called in from the west coast to take notes and ask questions.

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Whatever the doctors had to say would no doubt be a shock to Mom's system.

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She wanted us to keep track of the details,

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as they elucidated the character of her impending death.

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It was clear that neither surgery nor radiation would work.

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The cancer was too widespread.

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The tumors too large.

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Janet's condition was non-curative.

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There was no question of saving her life.

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All that could be done was to alleviate her symptoms.

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To do this, the oncologists wanted to begin chemotherapy immediately.

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They insisted this was not to prolong her life

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or to make a Hail Mary at a full recovery.

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This was purely for her quality of life.

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Something Mom made clear was her top priority.

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There is some logic to this.

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If chemotherapy is effective and its side effects tolerable,

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it can improve a person's well-being, mood, mobility, any number of things.

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It's unpredictable though, often harrowingly so.

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How well chemotherapy works is variable to each successive infusion.

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It's a daunting and continuous gamble.

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I had no issue discussing chemotherapy as an option.

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My issue was the monopoly that chemotherapy was given in that initial meeting.

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Across those 90 minutes, in the time we addressed treatment directly,

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45 minutes were spent going over Chemo Plan A,

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5 minutes were spent going over Chemo Plan B,

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and 10 seconds were spent acknowledging the existence of palliative care.

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Chemotherapy wasn't just an option.

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In the narrative presented by the oncologists, it was the only option.

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They even went so far as to hedge against their own non-curative decision,

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hinting that one could never say never when it comes to a miracle recovery,

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even in a case as severe as Janet's,

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where chemo could probably reduce her masses by 30% at best.

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Since chemotherapy was the only chance she'd have of surviving,

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it had to take precedence.

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It was almost as though her death could be her fault

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if she didn't undertake chemotherapy.

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And it was almost as though the doctors were covering their asses from liability

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in case we, the family, wanted them to do whatever it took to keep her alive.

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This was not said in so many words, of course.

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But these delicate things live in the margins of such conventions.

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After the meeting, Mom needed some time to think.

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We all did.

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Each of us in the family began to contemplate what we would do in her position.

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I first asked Dad what his thoughts were.

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"Well," he explained, "I guess I'd throw a big party with all of my friends

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"and then give chemo my best shot.

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"As soon as the chemo stopped working, I'd go out to the desert and kill myself."

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Sounded like what I would do.

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Kind of sounded like what Max would do.

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Mom might feel the same way about the party and about waiting on chemo till after.

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But we understood the fundamental difference between the England men and her.

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When our time came, we'd have the nerve and grit to suicide.

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When Mom's time came, she'd need someone else to kill her.

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Understanding how ideas spread like infections, Dad issued me a stern warning.

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"Don't propose any of this to your mother."

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Whatever she was going to decide, it had to be her choice without any undue influence from us.

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I agreed.

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But as we all talked, communally and individually, the notion kept coming up.

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In the end, it was as if a living funeral had been Mom's idea all along.

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"Get low!" she shouted, once it was official.

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(A reference to the Robert Duvall film about the hermit who throws his own going-away party.)

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Mom was thrilled.

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She informed her doctors that she had to fly to San Diego to bid her friends farewell.

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Only then could she come home and do the chemo like a good little girl.

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Janet had been carefully considering her mortality for decades.

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For a long time, her greatest fear was succumbing to a heart attack.

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That's how her mother died in her early 70s.

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The suddenness of it traumatized us all.

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Mom didn't want the same thing to happen to her.

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She had countless workups done on her heart over the years.

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She wanted to divine what genetic weakness was lurking there.

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But nothing distressing ever showed itself.

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In time, she realized what a gift a heart attack would be compared to a wasting disease

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or dementia.

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Janet couldn't stand to be in pain.

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She didn't like to suffer.

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She had a will and trust set up years ago, along with her advanced medical directive.

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No breathing tubes.

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No feeding tubes.

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A DNR.

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I was her primary medical agent, so we discussed her wishes often and at length.

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Any time she left on vacation...

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"You know where my little red folder is in my closet in case I die!"

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Of all the places she could have moved when she left San Diego,

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Vermont made the cut for their Death with Dignity laws, if nothing else.

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Those were a red line for Mom.

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She wouldn't live anywhere without them.

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She despised that dying people are treated less humanely than any other creature on Earth.

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If a bird gets sick, if a dog breaks its back,

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society allows for them to be put down,

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to let their suffering end without unnecessary torment.

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Society comprehends and accepts the circle of life then.

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But a human being?

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The state will drag you across the wasteland of your degenerating body

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until it can extract your last maximal breath,

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as though that was what God had always intended for you.

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Mom always said she didn't want to see the apocalypse,

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fighting her neighbors for a loaf of bread or a jug of water.

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"Just smother me with a pillow when that happens," she'd say.

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She was serious.

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She made me promise that I would.

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And I did.

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I promised that if the apocalypse came,

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or some equally sordid turn of events,

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I would smother her.

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I was just glad that, with Vermont's moral and broad-minded laws,

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I wouldn't have to.

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Game 23.

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Padres 5.

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Diamondbacks 3.

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April 22nd, 2023.

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Mom hunches in a heavy curve, sparing herself the scourge,

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degenerated discs and airplane seats.

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My hand dances in caresses around her spine,

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as Andrew Bird coos through my headphones.

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"Come what may, leave your eggs where it's warm."

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We are returning to San Diego for a calendar of feasts and funerals.

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Eulogies that may touch her ears,

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loved ones who can hold the space.

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A grail of catharsis amidst a darkening age.

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An effort greater than dying.

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The journey could not wait, her ached contortions waxing by the day,

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the whole of her life burning.

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She turns to me, somewhere over Nebraska, certain in her dread.

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"It had to be this week," she rasps.

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The cold thrill of one last move before checkmate.

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Game 24.

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Padres 7.

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Diamondbacks 5.

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April 23rd, 2023.

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Janet embraces Fred beneath his big sun hat,

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rose-drenched cheeks, the compass shine of the sky,

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reflecting in his canvas sweat, her squinting eyes.

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She will never see this face again,

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warm flood of recognition in its smile.

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An irruption, Fred's granddaughter squeals and tugs at his knees,

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pleading that he stop this, that he play with her, on the trampoline, instead.

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Janet's mind implodes.

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She cannot walk, cannot think.

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Her body buckles as her friends carry her across the driveway,

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away from Fred's bed of golden poppies,

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the crow mother washing herself above the studio,

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the haze of rain-green hills in the distance,

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the world that breathes.

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Game 25.

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Padres 0.

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Cubs 6.

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April 25th, 2023.

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Soto takes a strike, then presumes to walk to first.

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Soto takes a strike again, then presumes to walk to first again.

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Soto swings at a high-fast ball, then Tatis gets caught stealing second.

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It is hardly worth mentioning. Machado pops out.

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The comfort of my wife's warm softness naps in the bedroom down the hall.

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My ritual of stupidity.

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Game 26.

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Padres 0.

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Cubs 3.

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April 26th, 2023.

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When word of Janet's condition circulated the country,

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somebody made the following remark as a way of summarizing how their household got the news.

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"I've told them what's cooking."

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Rather than have you read that again, I will print it again.

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"I've told them what's cooking."

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I repeated this to myself for days,

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as I washed dishes, packed suitcases, stared out the window, off toward the cascades.

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I've told them what's cooking.

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Say it enough times, at least you roar with laughter as you go insane.

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I've told them what's cooking.

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Don't just read it, say it now.

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I've told them what's cooking.

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Might actually mean something one of these times.

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Try it again.

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I've told them what's cooking.

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Chicken liver.

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I've told them.

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Janet's liver.

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Told them what's cooking.

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Tell her what's cooking.

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Her liver.

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Tell my mother what's cooking.

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Her pancreas and her brain and her liver.

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Now put some English on it.

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Her belly's in the deep fryer.

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Really sing it out.

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She'll be turning on a spit before supper time.

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That's good.

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Tell her again.

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But I've told her, haven't I?

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Yeah, alright.

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Then just tell me, you execrable sack.

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Tell me what's cooking, before we see this person at dinner tonight.

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Game 27.

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Padres 2.

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Cubs 5.

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April 27, 2023.

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I am trying to be in the moment.

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Sometimes, there is no poem to write.

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El juez está descansando.

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Game 28.

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Giants 11.

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Padres 16.

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April 29, 2023.

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I keep thinking about a man who wins the lottery.

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A regular fellow, getting by.

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Only partially satisfied with himself and his circumstances.

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Who suddenly comes into a personal fortune so vast that he could easily never find a way to its end.

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A permanently life-changing amount of money.

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And with it, the empowering liberation to do whatever he wants and to become whomever he feels he needs to be.

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When the agency asks him how he wants the money, he chooses the 30-year option, of course.

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There's more money that way than with the lump sum.

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But even getting the money distributed over a longer period of time, the man is able to invest it.

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In property, in stock portfolios, in savings accounts, in new clothes, in fantastic meals,

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and long voyages across the earth.

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He's freed from his menial job.

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He's freed from the constant stress of trying to fit in however the near world demands.

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He actually has the opportunity to manifest his truest nature.

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And he does.

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With this money flowing in, year after year, he doesn't become greedy and snobbish and aristocratic.

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He uses the money to improve his life and the lives of all the people he loves.

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He gives to charity.

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He helps start new businesses and initiatives.

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He brings his loved ones together and deepens his connections with them more than he ever did before.

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His life becomes all the richer, not because of the winnings themselves,

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but from all the ways they are used to improve the intentional act of everyday life.

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Year after year, decade after decade, the winnings flow in,

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compound interest does its thing, and the man wants for nothing.

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And year after year, decade after decade, the man is happier and happier to be alive

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and to be invested in the lives of those around him.

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And then, just as planned, after thirty great and glorious years, the checks stop coming.

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The fortune has been paid.

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There is no more principle left to administer.

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The man will have to get by with everything the fortune has already brought to him.

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And yet, after the last check arrives in the mail, the man becomes unsettled.

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He loses his temper.

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He shakes his fists, and he shouts,

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"I want more!"

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It could be reasoned that Janet is leaving us too soon. Before her time, as people like to say.

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Janet is a mere sixty-nine years old today. For being so old, Janet is all too young.

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So I've been thinking, what would happen if Janet were to live much, much longer?

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Imagine for a moment that Janet should live another twenty-five years.

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This is a lot more than Janet herself has ever asked or hoped for, but let's give it to her anyway.

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Instead of dying at sixty-nine, or seventy, Janet lives to ninety-four.

249
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What happens?

250
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Well, most crucially, Janet would get to be a grandmother.

251
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This is the one phase of her life that is truly left wanting in our reality.

252
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All those art projects, school plays, birthday parties, graduations, first loves.

253
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Janet would get to watch one more England, at least, grow up under her care.

254
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Okay, what else?

255
00:22:29,600 --> 00:22:33,600
How about everyone who already exists and loves her so?

256
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Twenty-five more years of family dinners, movies at home, and excursions to national parks.

257
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Trips to Ireland and France, more Netflix specials about Cornwall and Portugal.

258
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Twenty-five years of long phone calls in the afternoon, and painting heart emojis across the walls of Facebook,

259
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and big hugs in the doorway as people come and go.

260
00:23:02,600 --> 00:23:10,600
Everything Janet already loves to do, another quarter century of that.

261
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Sounds nice, doesn't it?

262
00:23:13,600 --> 00:23:20,600
Of course, if she were to live that long, not everyone she cherishes today would get to come with her.

263
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Her peers would still age and pass on.

264
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Accidents would happen.

265
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Relationships would taper.

266
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And toward the end, Janet would experience the comprehensive slowing down in her own mind and body.

267
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The aches and pains increasing, perhaps a hip or knee replacement.

268
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The final three years or so, a lot of bed rest, maybe a benevolent nurse, not getting out as much.

269
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And ultimately, at ninety-four years old, holding hands and holding back the tears, then might Janet peacefully die.

270
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What would happen then?

271
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Max and I would call those of you who were still with us.

272
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"Janet passed in the night," we would say.

273
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"She wasn't in pain.

274
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"She was happy.

275
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"Her last words were, 'I love you.'"

276
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And you who heard this would think, "Oh, Janet, what a great lady."

277
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And that would be that.

278
00:24:34,600 --> 00:24:42,600
So, now, here, what is to be done?

279
00:24:42,600 --> 00:24:47,600
Why have we gathered you here while Janet is still alive?

280
00:24:47,600 --> 00:24:55,600
And why do she and I keep saying that what we are doing today, we do for all time?

281
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Well, because we have more than twenty-five full years of love lying around.

282
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It's locked away in Janet's heart.

283
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And it's locked away in ours.

284
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We are here not to mourn and mope and grieve for all those years that we've deluded ourselves into thinking we'll never touch,

285
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but to unlock them and unleash them and let them flow out in one massive damn burst the likes of which this community has never seen.

286
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Janet England is going to stop being a person soon.

287
00:25:34,600 --> 00:25:38,600
She is going to become pure love.

288
00:25:38,600 --> 00:25:45,600
The love that flows through me and through my brother, through our father and our wives,

289
00:25:45,600 --> 00:25:56,600
and through any of you who have felt Janet's love so authentically that you know what I'm talking about before I even give it words.

290
00:25:56,600 --> 00:26:02,600
As I look around this room, there is a sad stone in my stomach.

291
00:26:02,600 --> 00:26:09,600
I'm losing my mom's company forever, and so are you.

292
00:26:09,600 --> 00:26:14,600
But there is no way that I can bring myself to be unhappy.

293
00:26:14,600 --> 00:26:21,600
In fact, I don't think I have ever been happier in my entire life.

294
00:26:21,600 --> 00:26:26,600
I have never been more proud to be Janet England's son.

295
00:26:26,600 --> 00:26:34,600
I have never been more inspired by the privilege I've received of participating in her life.

296
00:26:34,600 --> 00:26:37,600
My mother taught me how to love.

297
00:26:37,600 --> 00:26:44,600
The love I have for each of you is a branch of Janet's unyielding font.

298
00:26:44,600 --> 00:26:53,600
As I bear solemn witness to her now, the love that wells in my own heart doubles.

299
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What's decidedly hers, what's independently mine, beautifully entwined.

300
00:27:01,600 --> 00:27:05,600
I feel her spirit already inside me.

301
00:27:05,600 --> 00:27:11,600
I feel the embrace of her love throughout every corner of my being.

302
00:27:11,600 --> 00:27:15,600
She doesn't need to die to transcend.

303
00:27:15,600 --> 00:27:21,600
She doesn't need to pass away to achieve this communal bliss.

304
00:27:21,600 --> 00:27:24,600
It has already happened.

305
00:27:24,600 --> 00:27:27,600
It happened a long time ago.

306
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Today, we're just cutting the ribbon on the golden shrine that dwells in all of us,

307
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that will shine within the architecture of our lives forevermore.

308
00:27:39,600 --> 00:27:44,600
And we're conducting this ceremony while our ancestor is still before us,

309
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so that she might hear our voices when we shout,

310
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"Thank you, Janet!"

311
00:27:58,600 --> 00:28:06,600
Game 29, Giants 4, Padres 6, April 30, 2023.

312
00:28:06,600 --> 00:28:11,600
Every season makes its own mandala.

313
00:28:11,600 --> 00:28:22,600
Long effort, total commitment, the ascendant and the stagnant, champions and the lost.

314
00:28:22,600 --> 00:28:29,600
All pass away in the perennial breeze of revolution.

315
00:28:29,600 --> 00:28:34,600
Do not seek the sculptures in Cooperstown for reason.

316
00:28:34,600 --> 00:28:39,600
Just watch that fly ball land out of Yastrzemski's reach.

317
00:28:46,600 --> 00:28:55,600
Game 30, Reds 3, Padres 8, May 1, 2023.

318
00:28:55,600 --> 00:29:03,600
You made me worthy the moment our spirits mingled in your body.

319
00:29:03,600 --> 00:29:14,600
Unworthiness came later, long after your water broke and cast me into the cold nude light.

320
00:29:14,600 --> 00:29:25,600
As I hold your hand, this long flight home, I say, so long unworthy life.

321
00:29:25,600 --> 00:29:31,600
The labyrinthian circuit, my union with you.

322
00:29:31,600 --> 00:29:35,600
They have all been halcyon days.

323
00:29:35,600 --> 00:29:46,600
Now look down there, at the dazzling jellyfish stadium lights, as Kim steps up to the plate.

324
00:29:46,600 --> 00:30:01,600
Watch him demonstrate my meaning here.