1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,400 You're listening to I Have No Process. 2 00:00:04,400 --> 00:00:07,920 I am your host, Nicholas England. 3 00:00:07,920 --> 00:00:14,480 This is the first episode of our inaugural season, which we've called 71. 4 00:00:14,480 --> 00:00:21,560 Over the next eight episodes, I'm going to tell you some stories and read you some poetry. 5 00:00:21,560 --> 00:00:27,280 If you admire what you hear, you can support us by visiting patreon.com slash I Have No 6 00:00:27,280 --> 00:00:33,480 Process or check out our Instagram at I Have No Podcast. 7 00:00:33,480 --> 00:00:39,320 This season is produced by Bryce McManus, features music by the Magnetic Vines along 8 00:00:39,320 --> 00:00:45,340 with an original score from the Rooftop Revival, and is dedicated to the memory of a woman 9 00:00:45,340 --> 00:01:08,760 who went by many names, the most meaningful of which was Mom. 10 00:01:15,340 --> 00:01:45,160 So what happened? 11 00:01:45,340 --> 00:01:58,160 I was sitting at the airport in Seattle near my gate when Mom called. 12 00:01:58,160 --> 00:02:02,240 It had been about a week since we shot the breeze. 13 00:02:02,240 --> 00:02:07,640 We gabbed for five or ten minutes before she said something odd. 14 00:02:07,640 --> 00:02:16,920 You know, I used to love my tits, but now they're really starting to piss me off. 15 00:02:16,920 --> 00:02:22,880 Though this caught me off guard, it wasn't really that surprising. 16 00:02:22,880 --> 00:02:29,980 She'd had scoliosis forever, degenerative disc disease more recently. 17 00:02:29,980 --> 00:02:33,640 She was overweight and busty. 18 00:02:33,640 --> 00:02:35,700 She was getting older. 19 00:02:35,700 --> 00:02:38,600 She was about to turn 70. 20 00:02:38,600 --> 00:02:41,440 It made sense. 21 00:02:41,440 --> 00:02:49,560 Except the discomfort she was experiencing wasn't in her back or in her breasts. 22 00:02:49,560 --> 00:02:57,340 It was in her abdomen, where her breasts seemed to be pressing down more heavily than usual. 23 00:02:57,340 --> 00:03:00,740 She'd been to the doctor about it. 24 00:03:00,740 --> 00:03:05,840 The doctor said to wear a wireless bra. 25 00:03:05,840 --> 00:03:12,520 We both chuckled at this, confident it wouldn't solve anything. 26 00:03:12,520 --> 00:03:20,260 But she said she'd give it a try and let me know how it goes. 27 00:03:20,260 --> 00:03:24,000 I flew to Oklahoma that day to see my good friend Nick. 28 00:03:24,000 --> 00:03:27,760 Yeah, the other Nick. 29 00:03:27,760 --> 00:03:32,040 He's a math professor at a university out there. 30 00:03:32,040 --> 00:03:34,880 We grew up in San Diego together. 31 00:03:34,880 --> 00:03:38,520 We've been close for more than 20 years. 32 00:03:38,520 --> 00:03:41,400 It was late February. 33 00:03:41,400 --> 00:03:49,040 Baseball was a month away, so naturally we started talking about the Padres. 34 00:03:49,040 --> 00:03:52,800 They'd defeated the Dodgers in the playoffs the previous year. 35 00:03:52,800 --> 00:03:55,760 Tatis was coming back. 36 00:03:55,760 --> 00:03:58,160 Bogaerts was signed. 37 00:03:58,160 --> 00:04:02,400 It was the most resoundingly hyped season of our lives. 38 00:04:02,400 --> 00:04:06,840 We were number two in the ESPN power rankings. 39 00:04:06,840 --> 00:04:10,800 Had the third highest payroll in the MLB. 40 00:04:10,800 --> 00:04:14,040 An owner who was living for the present. 41 00:04:14,040 --> 00:04:16,560 We had an insane lineup. 42 00:04:16,560 --> 00:04:21,240 A multiple manager of the year winner in Melvin. 43 00:04:21,240 --> 00:04:23,960 Forget having the wind at our backs. 44 00:04:23,960 --> 00:04:29,560 The Padres were gonna be a goddamn hurricane. 45 00:04:29,560 --> 00:04:34,920 Nick and I mulled over the finer points of what we had to look forward to. 46 00:04:34,920 --> 00:04:39,000 We debated which off season signing was going to be more impactful. 47 00:04:39,000 --> 00:04:42,640 Wacha or Carpenter? 48 00:04:42,640 --> 00:04:44,680 I voted Wacha. 49 00:04:44,680 --> 00:04:49,200 His signing was a dream scenario for me. 50 00:04:49,200 --> 00:04:54,520 But you know, you can't talk about baseball all day every day. 51 00:04:54,520 --> 00:04:58,040 At least not in the off season. 52 00:04:58,040 --> 00:05:03,320 So we started to talk about our respective work. 53 00:05:03,320 --> 00:05:08,880 Nick's research in advanced theoretical mathematics was complicated to say the least. 54 00:05:08,880 --> 00:05:13,760 But I was eager to comprehend the true scope of his efforts. 55 00:05:13,760 --> 00:05:20,880 For years, I had admired his intellect as something both exquisite and elusive. 56 00:05:20,880 --> 00:05:27,880 Yet I craved his confidence that I might esteem him more honestly. 57 00:05:27,880 --> 00:05:34,600 That week, I made him explain his projects to me ad nauseam in his office. 58 00:05:34,600 --> 00:05:40,080 He showed me models of shapes that transcend geometry. 59 00:05:40,080 --> 00:05:48,400 I absorbed what I could, though he kept shaking his head every time I begged for further explication. 60 00:05:48,400 --> 00:05:56,120 He knew I didn't belong to his world, that it could only really mean so much to me. 61 00:05:56,120 --> 00:05:58,680 And he was right. 62 00:05:58,680 --> 00:06:06,560 Damn if I could now, one year later, tell you anything about what he does. 63 00:06:06,560 --> 00:06:11,120 I'm sure he'd correct the weak summary I've just provided. 64 00:06:11,120 --> 00:06:14,200 He'd say, the models aren't models. 65 00:06:14,200 --> 00:06:16,280 The shapes aren't shapes. 66 00:06:16,280 --> 00:06:18,520 The math isn't math. 67 00:06:18,520 --> 00:06:20,320 He's not a professor. 68 00:06:20,320 --> 00:06:22,320 He just works there. 69 00:06:22,320 --> 00:06:24,320 He doesn't do research. 70 00:06:24,320 --> 00:06:26,600 He's not even a real person. 71 00:06:26,600 --> 00:06:30,160 I just made him up. 72 00:06:30,160 --> 00:06:37,120 In any case, once I'd sufficiently deluded myself into believing I'd gotten his gist, 73 00:06:37,120 --> 00:06:40,880 we started to discuss what I was working on. 74 00:06:40,880 --> 00:06:47,080 I'd been reading books about caves in front of him all week, so he was curious. 75 00:06:47,080 --> 00:06:53,640 I explained a bit about the novel I was outlining, my first, all the historical and scientific 76 00:06:53,640 --> 00:06:57,200 research that goes into something like that. 77 00:06:57,200 --> 00:07:04,760 In this case, the social state of sixth century France, the art of blacksmithing, the transmission 78 00:07:04,760 --> 00:07:14,080 of the Arian heresy, the water tables of riparian cave systems, and a whole lot more. 79 00:07:14,080 --> 00:07:18,840 I also had a few submissions about which I was waiting to hear back regarding some poetry 80 00:07:18,840 --> 00:07:22,400 fellowships and awards. 81 00:07:22,400 --> 00:07:29,280 I didn't have a single publication to my name, nor did I have anything like a fine arts degree, 82 00:07:29,280 --> 00:07:34,640 so I wasn't particularly hopeful about winning anything, but I thought it was still worth 83 00:07:34,640 --> 00:07:37,720 putting the stuff out there. 84 00:07:37,720 --> 00:07:45,960 Well, once we started talking about poetry, I kept thinking about the Padres. 85 00:07:45,960 --> 00:07:52,640 I told Nick about the one piece of sports writing I'd ever envisioned, a series of linked 86 00:07:52,640 --> 00:08:01,200 verse comprising every game in a baseball season, following one team about whom you 87 00:08:01,200 --> 00:08:08,840 don't read any articles or listen to any podcasts or radio programs, where talking heads lay out 88 00:08:08,840 --> 00:08:13,840 what they think the narrative of the season is. 89 00:08:13,840 --> 00:08:18,860 No analysis, no myth building. 90 00:08:18,860 --> 00:08:26,680 You watch the games and, rather than summarize them, you simply make observations about what 91 00:08:26,680 --> 00:08:30,440 happens in those hours. 92 00:08:30,440 --> 00:08:37,740 Be present and articulate a glimpse of that presence. 93 00:08:37,740 --> 00:08:43,120 It had to be baseball if, for no other reason, than baseball has the longest season of any 94 00:08:43,120 --> 00:08:46,280 of the major American sports. 95 00:08:46,280 --> 00:08:52,800 And therefore, each game within that season has the least relative significance over the 96 00:08:52,800 --> 00:08:55,720 arc of the whole. 97 00:08:55,720 --> 00:09:02,440 Plus with pitching rotations, call-ups and send-downs to and from the minors, the team 98 00:09:02,440 --> 00:09:05,880 is never the same day to day. 99 00:09:05,880 --> 00:09:16,000 So each game exists more for itself than it does for some cohesive and continuous story. 100 00:09:16,000 --> 00:09:23,880 It'd be fun to do, but I'd never do it, because who has the time? 101 00:09:23,880 --> 00:09:30,620 With working, writing, being a house husband to a career woman, making time for friends 102 00:09:30,620 --> 00:09:37,840 and family, I can't commit to watching all 162 games in a baseball season. 103 00:09:37,840 --> 00:09:40,280 It's ridiculous. 104 00:09:40,280 --> 00:09:43,000 So I'd never do it. 105 00:09:43,000 --> 00:09:46,980 But it's a nice thought. 106 00:09:46,980 --> 00:09:54,820 When I returned home, I was looking forward to hitting my stride like I hadn't in years. 107 00:09:54,820 --> 00:10:00,040 My wife and I moved across the country twice during the pandemic. 108 00:10:00,040 --> 00:10:04,560 Once, so Alyssa could go to graduate school in Boston. 109 00:10:04,560 --> 00:10:10,520 Once more so we could settle down in Seattle for good. 110 00:10:10,520 --> 00:10:15,840 The moves were extremely laborious and expensive. 111 00:10:15,840 --> 00:10:22,480 We were both pretty burned out once we started looking at the debt we'd accumulated. 112 00:10:22,480 --> 00:10:25,800 Then a friend of mine died of a heart attack. 113 00:10:25,800 --> 00:10:30,900 A month later, I lost a beloved uncle. 114 00:10:30,900 --> 00:10:35,920 That winter, it felt like the walls were closing in. 115 00:10:35,920 --> 00:10:39,440 But grief is not meant to be permanent. 116 00:10:39,440 --> 00:10:42,400 Life had to go on. 117 00:10:42,400 --> 00:10:45,900 It was time to finish the outline for that novel. 118 00:10:45,900 --> 00:10:49,640 Time to get back to the workforce as a peer mentor. 119 00:10:49,640 --> 00:10:54,680 Soon time to take a trip to Hawaii with Alyssa's family. 120 00:10:54,680 --> 00:10:59,040 It was time to feel good again. 121 00:10:59,040 --> 00:11:02,000 And then mom called. 122 00:11:02,000 --> 00:11:05,060 Remember those wireless bras? 123 00:11:05,060 --> 00:11:07,420 They hadn't done shit. 124 00:11:07,420 --> 00:11:11,680 And her pain was only getting worse. 125 00:11:11,680 --> 00:11:17,500 She'd just contacted her doctor's office to see about getting some tests done. 126 00:11:17,500 --> 00:11:20,440 All they said was, I'm sorry, Janet. 127 00:11:20,440 --> 00:11:23,500 Your doctor isn't in right now. 128 00:11:23,500 --> 00:11:29,880 To which she replied, you got any other doctors hanging around the office today? 129 00:11:29,880 --> 00:11:30,880 Well, yes. 130 00:11:30,880 --> 00:11:37,320 Okay, then I want one of those doctors to do some tests on me. 131 00:11:37,320 --> 00:11:39,780 She was already on her way in. 132 00:11:39,780 --> 00:11:42,160 Said she'd keep me informed. 133 00:11:42,160 --> 00:11:47,680 A few hours later, she rang me back. 134 00:11:47,680 --> 00:11:51,640 She was in her driveway where they had just called her. 135 00:11:51,640 --> 00:11:55,920 Janet, you have to go to the hospital right away. 136 00:11:55,920 --> 00:12:00,240 Something irregular popped up on your EKG. 137 00:12:00,240 --> 00:12:05,880 She was going with Penny, her best friend who lived around the corner. 138 00:12:05,880 --> 00:12:12,280 I'll call you as soon as I have the test results, but it's going to be a while. 139 00:12:12,280 --> 00:12:14,960 Okay, I said. 140 00:12:14,960 --> 00:12:18,580 I'll be waiting. 141 00:12:18,580 --> 00:12:22,240 I went for a long walk with Alyssa. 142 00:12:22,240 --> 00:12:27,240 I hadn't told her that something malevolent was brewing. 143 00:12:27,240 --> 00:12:30,960 She wanted to talk more about the novel. 144 00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:35,320 Alyssa has relished being married to a writer. 145 00:12:35,320 --> 00:12:41,320 She's happiest when our evening digests include all the developments of story and character 146 00:12:41,320 --> 00:12:46,680 that occurred throughout the day. 147 00:12:46,680 --> 00:12:53,680 We'd had a bunch of walks like that over the winter, hiking out in the misty forests, 148 00:12:53,680 --> 00:13:01,280 discussing the naming traditions of the Merovingians or the fetid theology of St. Augustine, or 149 00:13:01,280 --> 00:13:09,040 just what it means for a human being to be pushed to their absolute limit. 150 00:13:09,040 --> 00:13:13,840 We felt really connected during those conversations. 151 00:13:13,840 --> 00:13:26,120 That day, waiting on a call back from Mom, that was the last walk of its kind all year. 152 00:13:26,120 --> 00:13:30,600 Once we got home, Mom texted me. 153 00:13:30,600 --> 00:13:34,040 She was ready to talk. 154 00:13:34,040 --> 00:13:38,080 I was nervous, but not too nervous. 155 00:13:38,080 --> 00:13:40,880 I was sure it was serious. 156 00:13:40,880 --> 00:13:48,640 I was thinking breast cancer, a mournful and life-changing experience, but not necessarily 157 00:13:48,640 --> 00:13:51,480 a fatal one. 158 00:13:51,480 --> 00:13:56,560 I know many women who have survived their bouts with it, multiple family members in 159 00:13:56,560 --> 00:13:59,440 just the past year. 160 00:13:59,440 --> 00:14:06,840 I thought, Mom's going to tell me she has breast cancer, and I'm going to comfort her. 161 00:14:06,840 --> 00:14:10,800 It'll be a tough road, but she'll be okay. 162 00:14:10,800 --> 00:14:17,280 If nothing else, she'll know the family is behind her, that I'm behind her, and she 163 00:14:17,280 --> 00:14:19,680 shall want for nothing. 164 00:14:19,680 --> 00:14:29,080 Thus psyched for breast cancer, or some equivalent malady, I called. 165 00:14:29,080 --> 00:14:39,520 Mom was very calm, very composed, though nearly inaudible tremors echoed underneath her words. 166 00:14:39,520 --> 00:14:49,440 She'd had several scans done, and they had found some spots on her liver and on her 167 00:14:49,440 --> 00:14:54,000 pancreas. 168 00:14:54,000 --> 00:15:02,760 My mind was immediately a wordless space, because I knew right then and there she was 169 00:15:02,760 --> 00:15:05,880 dead. 170 00:15:05,880 --> 00:15:13,840 And to this day, I believe she knew it, too. 171 00:15:13,840 --> 00:15:21,800 In the subsequent weeks, people heard a multitude of variations on Mom's prognosis. 172 00:15:21,800 --> 00:15:26,160 Some of her friends thought she'd get through it just fine. 173 00:15:26,160 --> 00:15:35,040 Others thought she had 18 months or so, enough to fit in a comprehensive slate of goodbyes. 174 00:15:35,040 --> 00:15:40,680 The most realistic hoped she could hang on till the holidays. 175 00:15:40,680 --> 00:15:45,320 Whatever they heard, they heard it from Mom. 176 00:15:45,320 --> 00:15:50,560 And depending on what mood you caught her in that day, and how responsible she felt 177 00:15:50,560 --> 00:15:59,880 for the soothing of your concerns, the character of the news was devastatingly flexible. 178 00:15:59,880 --> 00:16:07,800 Just the same, I believe that she and I both understood, in that moment, what was about 179 00:16:07,800 --> 00:16:10,820 to happen. 180 00:16:10,820 --> 00:16:17,920 She may have forgotten, from time to time, throughout the difficulty of the coming weeks, 181 00:16:17,920 --> 00:16:22,040 but she knew what the stakes were on day zero. 182 00:16:22,040 --> 00:16:25,920 Her fucking pancreas. 183 00:16:25,920 --> 00:16:33,640 Of all the cancers known to the human body, pancreatic had struck fear into my heart like 184 00:16:33,640 --> 00:16:38,520 none other from the time I was a teenager. 185 00:16:38,520 --> 00:16:47,120 Something about the way it killed Bill Hicks and Satoshi Kon and so many other great artists. 186 00:16:47,120 --> 00:16:50,120 Slain at the height of their power. 187 00:16:50,120 --> 00:16:52,700 Out of nowhere. 188 00:16:52,700 --> 00:16:56,920 The tape of Marcus Aurelius sped up. 189 00:16:56,920 --> 00:17:01,560 Here today, gone tomorrow. 190 00:17:01,560 --> 00:17:06,040 The darkness was covering her pancreas. 191 00:17:06,040 --> 00:17:09,840 It felt like an insult. 192 00:17:09,840 --> 00:17:11,840 Punitive. 193 00:17:11,840 --> 00:17:14,840 Personal. 194 00:17:14,840 --> 00:17:17,680 Mom and I talked it out. 195 00:17:17,680 --> 00:17:24,640 If it was cancer, they wouldn't be able to tell just from imaging where it began. 196 00:17:24,640 --> 00:17:31,160 Regardless, the liver and pancreas are technically remote from one another, meaning the cancer 197 00:17:31,160 --> 00:17:34,680 had already metastasized. 198 00:17:34,680 --> 00:17:37,280 That's the final stage. 199 00:17:37,280 --> 00:17:39,280 Stage four. 200 00:17:39,280 --> 00:17:41,200 Chance of survival. 201 00:17:41,200 --> 00:17:43,800 Something like three percent. 202 00:17:43,800 --> 00:17:48,720 Which is to say, none at all. 203 00:17:48,720 --> 00:17:53,760 We couldn't be certain about anything until a biopsy was done. 204 00:17:53,760 --> 00:17:56,400 They'd put her on a wait list. 205 00:17:56,400 --> 00:18:02,520 For the time being, she wanted to keep her concerns within the family. 206 00:18:02,520 --> 00:18:09,400 No need to tell the world until there's something definitive to tell. 207 00:18:09,400 --> 00:18:16,080 As soon as we got off the phone, I sat Alyssa down and told her that I was going to need 208 00:18:16,080 --> 00:18:21,360 her more than I'd ever needed her before. 209 00:18:21,360 --> 00:18:32,120 She wept and wept, while my mind rattled about in its brittle little cage. 210 00:18:32,120 --> 00:18:35,800 The next few weeks were agonizing. 211 00:18:35,800 --> 00:18:42,320 Every day I talked to Mom, and every day I urged her to call every hospital within a 212 00:18:42,320 --> 00:18:48,720 day's drive to see about getting a biopsy done sooner. 213 00:18:48,720 --> 00:18:54,480 If she didn't have cancer, then my ringing the alarm bell could be seen as histrionic 214 00:18:54,480 --> 00:18:57,280 in retrospect. 215 00:18:57,280 --> 00:19:04,520 But if she had cancer, we might be counting our remaining time together in weeks. 216 00:19:04,520 --> 00:19:10,320 And many mountains would have to be moved within that fragile window. 217 00:19:10,320 --> 00:19:15,440 We needed that biopsy ASAP. 218 00:19:15,440 --> 00:19:21,160 She called around, but she didn't get seen for a while. 219 00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:27,040 In the meantime, I called anyone we had travel plans with. 220 00:19:27,040 --> 00:19:29,240 Don't book any tickets yet. 221 00:19:29,240 --> 00:19:36,960 Keep this to yourself, but I'm waiting to hear back if my mom is dying. 222 00:19:36,960 --> 00:19:41,920 We heard the story of a cancer scare from someone in Alyssa's family. 223 00:19:41,920 --> 00:19:48,680 Scans, which had displayed a pervasive and insidious darkness, turned out to be nothing 224 00:19:48,680 --> 00:19:54,120 more than a series of strange and benign confusions. 225 00:19:54,120 --> 00:19:59,160 This person had every reason to believe they were going to die. 226 00:19:59,160 --> 00:20:03,600 Turns out, they were totally fine. 227 00:20:03,600 --> 00:20:07,640 Maybe mom would be the same. 228 00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:10,720 I was almost open-minded. 229 00:20:10,720 --> 00:20:15,120 My spirit was thirsty for a miracle. 230 00:20:15,120 --> 00:20:20,080 I just knew we weren't getting one. 231 00:20:20,080 --> 00:20:25,240 A couple of weeks later, she had the biopsy. 232 00:20:25,240 --> 00:20:30,440 The doctor who harvested the sample knew there was no point in dissembling. 233 00:20:30,440 --> 00:20:36,240 I'm so sorry, Janet, he said. 234 00:20:36,240 --> 00:20:38,760 He'd seen it all before. 235 00:20:38,760 --> 00:20:42,720 He knew what he was looking at. 236 00:20:42,720 --> 00:20:47,180 When I heard about his response, I was grateful to him. 237 00:20:47,180 --> 00:20:52,380 No bullshit, no capricious flirting with hope. 238 00:20:52,380 --> 00:20:57,440 He would turn out to be the most responsible doctor mom worked with. 239 00:20:57,440 --> 00:21:01,800 Oh, and it wasn't liver cancer. 240 00:21:01,800 --> 00:21:05,080 It was pancreatic. 241 00:21:05,080 --> 00:21:16,320 She could be dead in 14 months or 14 days, but nothing could be done to save her life. 242 00:21:16,320 --> 00:21:22,440 Pretty quickly, it was time to start informing our society. 243 00:21:22,440 --> 00:21:27,080 I spent more time on the phone than I did sleeping. 244 00:21:27,080 --> 00:21:37,160 Hours on end, friend after friend, patiently explaining that mom was preparing to die. 245 00:21:37,160 --> 00:21:40,080 I didn't have a nervous breakdown. 246 00:21:40,080 --> 00:21:44,780 My mind was resilient enough to handle the blow. 247 00:21:44,780 --> 00:21:52,480 But my body said, if you're not going to fall apart, then I'll do it for you. 248 00:21:52,480 --> 00:22:03,360 I started having chest pain, heart pain, started collapsing, lightheaded, dizzy spells. 249 00:22:03,360 --> 00:22:07,240 I thought I was going to have a heart attack at one point. 250 00:22:07,240 --> 00:22:14,000 Alyssa had to monitor me for half an hour to see if she should call an ambulance. 251 00:22:14,000 --> 00:22:21,560 I went to the doctor to have an EKG of my own, but it didn't show anything alarming. 252 00:22:21,560 --> 00:22:27,200 I decided to spend less time on the phone anyway. 253 00:22:27,200 --> 00:22:31,120 The family made plans to rally to mom's side. 254 00:22:31,120 --> 00:22:38,300 My father, my brother, his wife, Alyssa and me. 255 00:22:38,300 --> 00:22:44,620 Our parents divorced when I was in high school and Max was in college, but they were still 256 00:22:44,620 --> 00:22:49,520 close friends and they'd made a promise that they would tend to each other if anything 257 00:22:49,520 --> 00:22:53,340 like this ever happened. 258 00:22:53,340 --> 00:22:57,880 Mom was surprised that I meant to honor my own vow that I'd take care of her in her 259 00:22:57,880 --> 00:23:00,400 final days. 260 00:23:00,400 --> 00:23:07,900 She didn't want to assume, you know, I had my own life, blah, blah, blah. 261 00:23:07,900 --> 00:23:14,080 She teared up when I told her I was getting ready to book a ticket with no return trip. 262 00:23:14,080 --> 00:23:19,160 However long she had, I was going to be there. 263 00:23:19,160 --> 00:23:24,400 I just knew I needed to take care of myself while I did it. 264 00:23:24,400 --> 00:23:29,860 I would surely benefit from some novel means by which to decompress, and I needed some 265 00:23:29,860 --> 00:23:35,200 way to be engaged with the world beyond me and her. 266 00:23:35,200 --> 00:23:40,780 If writing the novel was the main thing I had going for me, that would happen only whenever 267 00:23:40,780 --> 00:23:43,140 I could make it happen. 268 00:23:43,140 --> 00:23:48,680 And if there was always something else to do or someone else in need, I'd never get 269 00:23:48,680 --> 00:23:51,280 to it. 270 00:23:51,280 --> 00:23:57,000 I needed something that had appointments, something that was fixed, something other 271 00:23:57,000 --> 00:24:02,160 people could predict and respect and work around. 272 00:24:02,160 --> 00:24:08,960 Naturally, I had just the thing, didn't I? 273 00:24:08,960 --> 00:24:16,480 I called Nick's dad, Mark, who's been a great friend and mentor to me over the years. 274 00:24:16,480 --> 00:24:22,200 I told him I had some news to share and a favor to ask, and I was going to do it in 275 00:24:22,200 --> 00:24:29,000 that order, knowing there'd be no way he could deny the favor if he reckoned the news. 276 00:24:29,000 --> 00:24:33,200 Okay, he laughed. 277 00:24:33,200 --> 00:24:35,800 My mom has pancreatic cancer. 278 00:24:35,800 --> 00:24:39,360 Fuck, he blurted. 279 00:24:39,360 --> 00:24:42,040 What's the favor? 280 00:24:42,040 --> 00:24:47,300 I want you to help get me set up with an MLB login so I can watch the Padres as often as 281 00:24:47,300 --> 00:24:50,920 possible while I'm out there with her. 282 00:24:50,920 --> 00:24:53,240 Mark was flabbergasted. 283 00:24:53,240 --> 00:24:54,240 Are you kidding? 284 00:24:54,240 --> 00:24:57,640 Your mom doesn't have to be sick for me to do that. 285 00:24:57,640 --> 00:24:59,560 I'd do it in a heartbeat. 286 00:24:59,560 --> 00:25:04,320 I want to talk about the Padres with you. 287 00:25:04,320 --> 00:25:08,000 With this, the course was set. 288 00:25:08,000 --> 00:25:13,880 A hundred and sixty-two games, a hundred and sixty-two poems. 289 00:25:13,880 --> 00:25:19,440 I'd write about the games when I watched the games, and when I couldn't, because some 290 00:25:19,440 --> 00:25:25,880 pressing business compelled me elsewhere, then I'd write about that. 291 00:25:25,880 --> 00:25:30,120 A baseball team and a dying mom. 292 00:25:30,120 --> 00:25:35,240 Two things that seemed to have nothing to do with each other. 293 00:25:35,240 --> 00:26:02,840 What might I discover therein beside? 294 00:26:02,840 --> 00:26:31,160 Game one. 295 00:26:31,160 --> 00:26:33,000 Game one. 296 00:26:33,000 --> 00:26:34,560 Rocky's seven. 297 00:26:34,560 --> 00:26:36,480 Padres two. 298 00:26:36,480 --> 00:26:41,200 March 30th, 2023. 299 00:26:41,200 --> 00:26:45,200 A rain delay in the chaparral. 300 00:26:45,200 --> 00:26:48,240 Winter's grief unyielding. 301 00:26:48,240 --> 00:26:50,440 Snell on the mound. 302 00:26:50,440 --> 00:26:52,980 Daza at the plate. 303 00:26:52,980 --> 00:26:55,600 My first breath of spring. 304 00:26:55,600 --> 00:26:59,800 A well-placed strike. 305 00:26:59,800 --> 00:27:09,600 The rain renews as Snell lets one through, then stops when the Padres answer. 306 00:27:09,600 --> 00:27:12,500 Months of anticipation. 307 00:27:12,500 --> 00:27:15,800 One inning of baseball. 308 00:27:15,800 --> 00:27:19,040 A standstill. 309 00:27:19,040 --> 00:27:25,320 We watch as groundskeepers pour dry earth on wet. 310 00:27:25,320 --> 00:27:34,760 Yard after yard, raked in slow hurry under the blue-dark sky. 311 00:27:34,760 --> 00:27:44,720 The art of pitching lies in correcting your mistakes, seeking redemption by regaining control. 312 00:27:44,720 --> 00:27:54,240 Snell puts two on in the third, but three strikeouts later earns his atonement. 313 00:27:54,240 --> 00:27:57,320 Peavy visits the broadcasting booth. 314 00:27:57,320 --> 00:27:58,600 Wistful. 315 00:27:58,600 --> 00:28:00,200 Fraternal. 316 00:28:00,200 --> 00:28:05,640 Brimming with love's sweet yesterdays. 317 00:28:05,640 --> 00:28:13,040 "To have this level of expectation is a privilege." 318 00:28:13,040 --> 00:28:20,120 In a game of quiet tension, our interest lies in false notes and missteps. 319 00:28:20,120 --> 00:28:24,320 A hit is a pitcher's blunder. 320 00:28:24,320 --> 00:28:27,720 A whiff is a batter's. 321 00:28:27,720 --> 00:28:29,840 Nothing happens. 322 00:28:29,840 --> 00:28:31,720 Nothing changes. 323 00:28:31,720 --> 00:28:36,640 Until fallibility is punished. 324 00:28:36,640 --> 00:28:50,960 Snell trembles in the fifth, and the Rockies take crowbars to the ribs of his replacements. 325 00:28:50,960 --> 00:28:51,960 Game 2. 326 00:28:51,960 --> 00:28:54,080 Rockies 4. 327 00:28:54,080 --> 00:28:55,320 Padres 1. 328 00:28:55,320 --> 00:29:00,020 March 31, 2023. 329 00:29:00,020 --> 00:29:04,120 My attention arrives to a third-inning deficit. 330 00:29:04,120 --> 00:29:11,680 The Padres romp about in chalky neon, glitz of a retro pastiche. 331 00:29:11,680 --> 00:29:19,800 The Rockies stand stoic in garments of granite, Lacedaemonian and workmanlike. 332 00:29:19,800 --> 00:29:27,800 The quiet ones carry the day. 333 00:29:27,800 --> 00:29:29,800 Game 3. 334 00:29:29,800 --> 00:29:30,800 Rockies 4. 335 00:29:30,800 --> 00:29:32,440 Padres 8. 336 00:29:32,440 --> 00:29:37,000 April 1, 2023. 337 00:29:37,000 --> 00:29:43,000 Five years ago, today, I fell in love with my wife. 338 00:29:43,000 --> 00:29:53,880 I am not watching baseball. 339 00:29:53,880 --> 00:29:55,240 Game 4. 340 00:29:55,240 --> 00:29:56,520 Rockies 1. 341 00:29:56,520 --> 00:29:58,120 Padres 3. 342 00:29:58,120 --> 00:30:02,360 April 2, 2023. 343 00:30:02,360 --> 00:30:10,200 In those ten seconds between each take, as the pitcher glares and calculates, breathe 344 00:30:10,200 --> 00:30:21,080 out Joshu's "Mu." 345 00:30:21,080 --> 00:30:22,880 Game 5. 346 00:30:22,880 --> 00:30:24,440 Diamondbacks 4. 347 00:30:24,440 --> 00:30:26,040 Padres 5. 348 00:30:26,040 --> 00:30:30,160 April 3, 2023. 349 00:30:30,160 --> 00:30:37,080 Grisham's mustache drapes over his lips as though it had been groomed and dusted among 350 00:30:37,080 --> 00:30:52,800 the caballeros, still outstanding in their daguerreotypes, long rifles of a new West. 351 00:30:52,800 --> 00:30:54,560 Game 6. 352 00:30:54,560 --> 00:30:56,320 Diamondbacks 8. 353 00:30:56,320 --> 00:30:58,080 Padres 6. 354 00:30:58,080 --> 00:31:02,360 April 4, 2023. 355 00:31:02,360 --> 00:31:11,600 In a split second, Machado calls time and the umpire calls him out. 356 00:31:11,600 --> 00:31:18,320 They argue, but only one of them has the power to kill Archimedes. 357 00:31:18,320 --> 00:31:23,680 Machado's day is done. 358 00:31:23,680 --> 00:31:29,600 His replacement conjures vengeance with an arrow through the sun. 359 00:31:29,600 --> 00:31:42,200 Is this cause for celebration amidst another losing effort? 360 00:31:42,200 --> 00:31:43,920 Game 7. 361 00:31:43,920 --> 00:31:45,600 Padres 6. 362 00:31:45,600 --> 00:31:47,440 Brave 7. 363 00:31:47,440 --> 00:31:52,360 April 6, 2023. 364 00:31:52,360 --> 00:32:02,400 I almost miss my flight, lingering at home, watching the game, ensuring I am present when 365 00:32:02,400 --> 00:32:06,520 the Padres lose. 366 00:32:06,520 --> 00:32:16,320 I do miss the at-bat that walks it off, suddenly preoccupied with packing toiletries, books, 367 00:32:16,320 --> 00:32:21,600 the odd pair of socks left drying on the rack. 368 00:32:21,600 --> 00:32:33,640 My wife drives me to the airport in the rain, holding my hand, this one-way fare. 369 00:32:33,640 --> 00:32:39,360 The tumors populating my mother's organs are metastatic. 370 00:32:39,360 --> 00:32:45,200 The legion scouring her liver, roved from the pancreas. 371 00:32:45,200 --> 00:32:52,840 Her excess-drag thrombosis hovers like a spider's web in her portal vein. 372 00:32:52,840 --> 00:32:57,240 Death immutable. 373 00:32:57,240 --> 00:33:05,880 I jettisoned every extricable thing without a thought, affirmed an ancient pledge that 374 00:33:05,880 --> 00:33:10,760 I would undertake her care until the end. 375 00:33:10,760 --> 00:33:19,680 My plethora of masks: advocate, nurse, psychopomp. 376 00:33:19,680 --> 00:33:31,520 I cast myself unto the umbra of my primal hearth and made my wife a servant to my absence. 377 00:33:31,520 --> 00:33:40,800 To keep my sanity continuous as I dwell within self-elision, I have begun this ritual of 378 00:33:40,800 --> 00:33:44,040 witnessing. 379 00:33:44,040 --> 00:33:47,640 These men I so admire. 380 00:33:47,640 --> 00:33:52,760 They play baseball almost every day. 381 00:33:52,760 --> 00:34:02,360 They play for themselves, for their families, greatness, the world. 382 00:34:02,360 --> 00:34:05,480 Let them play for me. 383 00:34:05,480 --> 00:34:23,880 Anchor me to the moment as the future disappears.