You know, we are all about empowerment. We're all about innovation. We're all about impact
um and results and
I want to welcome you to
workplace
Wednesday
Workplace Wednesday. I am excited to be here like I am every day whether it's a Tuesday or Wednesday a Thursday or Friday or even a Saturday
here and
For those of you who are new
um radical change is a
Platform as well as a company that focuses on empowerment innovation and results through
Community building through innovative conferencing through
one-on-one personal development coaching and through
next-level executive and
organizational consulting um and
In all of that one of the amazing
things that um radical change the platform does as it hosts the leadership learning collective and the leadership
learning collective is the non-profit
Organization that focuses on education in the areas of critical thought leadership
Technology and the workplace and that's what we hear today and today is Wednesday and on Wednesdays
We focus on being what I like to call
workplace wise
I like to call Wednesday workplace wise and today's topic is going to be in
Line with what I've been talking about and today's topic is navigating trauma
narcissism and healing in the workplace
So let's get into it first and foremost if this is your first
um a radical change leadership
event um
Live or the replay or the podcast welcome welcome welcome my name is bonza page
I am the chief and I am the founder and I started a series on healing from a lifetime of narcissistic abuse
in
July of 2024 and
And this work has been groundbreaking and it's been life changing for me from the standpoint of I have so
much content that I have um have created over the years and now that I'm really
Um like focused on this. I'm organizing it and I'm putting out so many things that are going to be able to help you
and I am excited that the uh
Uh tech talk Tuesdays and the workplace wise Wednesdays and the thought works Thursdays are going to be able to help you
In this journey now whether you are navigating trauma, whether you're navigating narcissism
Whether you're navigating healing if you've got to go to work
It is important that you have some tools that you have some tactics and that you have techniques for yourself
So let's get into it. Um the first thing that I want to talk about um is
The experiences we're going to talk about the impact and then we're going to really talk about
Pathways we're going to talk about it and I want to really talk about how
People's experiences are based on their industry is based on their role is based on organizational hierarchy
And you know, it's such a likelihood that if you are a central worker
It's likely that you're going to be in a subservient role and those roles are often overseen by people who um are
Narcissists right or they're carrying out a narcissist agenda
inside of a narcissist organization
So um today right what I want to uh walk away with is I want to make sure that y'all seriously understand
the importance of
Self prioritization the importance of self-care and I want to make sure also that if you know
Um that you need some help because you're in a narcissistically abusive relationship
You're in a toxic relationship. You're in a toxic workplace and you need some resources
Listen download the radical change app and message me. Um, and we will get it on and popping. Okay
So let's get it started. Let's get it started first and foremost. Let's talk about
Understanding workplace trauma. Okay. Now my dog is barking in the background. Um, but don't you worry about that?
She is okay. She's bullying me for food like she likens to do when I get on these conference calls
Um, but I have an app which allows me to walk around the house and um get out the food and do what I need to do
And keep it moving at the same time as you probably hear her little teeny footsteps kitty cat and kitty pat pat pat
Pat in um on the floor. Okay. So first thing I want to
qualify what is
Narcissism and I want to talk a little bit about narcissistic personality disorder and we need to do this because
It is important that we set the state. It is important that we set the
context
For the conversation because I think sometimes right people look at words
Um, especially the words like narcissism and they look at it like oh well, everybody is talking about narcissism
Or oh, it's not really that big of a deal or blip blip blip or whatever
And the bottom line is narcissism is pervasive
in our society and because
narcissism is
pervasive in our society
It is the reasons that we don't do anything about it
We it's been normalized. I did a podcast
episode
That you will hear coming up and it is in my managing my own radical change podcast series and in that podcast
I've talked about an episode of everybody loves Raymond where Raymond tries to tell Robert
To fame and competence that he can't send out a decent wedding invitation
So of course Robert listens to dumbass Raymond sends out a curable wedding invitation
Everybody goes berserk go
But then everything is fine, right? He's forgiven all forgiven and everybody moves on like it wasn't nothing in the first place
Okay, um
And and and what it boils down to is that narcissism is rampant. We laugh at it
Everybody loves Raymond is a sitcom
And we laugh right we laugh at narcissism. I looked I was watching it and I said
Ray
narcissist Robert
Narcissus Marie
Narcissus
Narcissus all in their own little way, right all in their own little way
All got a different little flavor to it
But they were all still
Narcissus none the less
All of them, right and it made me think like
Okay, well
um, if we are watching
shows like this and we are laughing at narcissism. We are laughing at manipulation
We're laughing at gaslighting. We're laughing at abuse. We're laughing at intentional embarrassment. Like we're laughing
And guess what this is the society that we're in so the workplace, right? Is it anything except for a mirror?
It's a microcosm and it's also a mirror, right? And so
and so
Workplace trauma is real
So narcissistic abuse. I want you to look up narcissistic personality disorder. There are nine traits
and
Those nine character traits you don't have to do all nine to be a narcissist
You have to have five some people say six to kind of be classified technically as one having
narcissistic personality disorder
so if you do um, um
Have narcissistic personality disorder or if you are
um in a
uh relationship
Where you believe you're being abused
Um, it's really important to recognize that that is workplace trauma
That's workplace trauma
number two
The second type of workplace trauma is the systemic issues, right? It's the systemic stuff
And the systemic stuff is because of narcissism, right? Because of patriarchy and men get to decide everything. It's their world
We just live in it and we have to navigate it, right?
um
And the men who are poor and or who may see themselves as advocates to to women and children
They they have to navigate it too, but at the end of the day, this is a patriarchal um narcissistic patriarchal society
period and
many of our
societal counterparts are just trying to figure out how they become the head narcissist
That's what people are trying to figure it out and that's where we are with it
So in addition to narcissistic abuse, right? The second part to workplace trauma is all about the systemic issues
It's all about the systemic stuff, right? So we got inequities in pay advancement, but specifically for black women in the workplace
specifically, right?
um for black queer folk in the workplace
That are out in any kind of way, but absolutely for black women
absolutely for um native indigenous people
absolutely
Everybody else is made up and i'm not i'm not buying it. I'm not buying it. I'm not buying it
The statistics are what they are. There's no statistics. They're ass a person. Um, are you gay or are you straight?
They don't ask that on the i9 form, but they damn sure ask if you're black
And black people get paid the least and black women get paid down at the bottom although black women have the highest education
It's been like that and we know it but there is nothing that is willing to be done about it
And that is trauma because that is financial trauma. It's psychological trauma. It's emotional trauma
And all of those traumas can lead to physical trauma, right? Because you have a physical outcome
Based on your other issues
So let's get into it. Let's get into a couple of um statistics. Okay, so black women um earn um
somewhere between um
A 55 and 60 cents for every dollar earned by a white um not hispanic man, right?
That's according to the census girl. They still got it off a little bit. Um, but persistent pay gaps
And no progress toward equity. None. There's no there's no progress. Um, the fearless fund they got rid of that
in um 2023 um
and uh, you know that was on purpose
And so these things are purposeful purposeful and these things are harmful and these things are damaging and these things are
trauma
These things are trauma in the workplace and it is it is critical
It's critical that we understand that these things are trauma in the workplace
And I know right that nobody wants to sit around and thinking about the workplace is such a terrible is such a terrible place
Right, but it is because it's built on narcissism
It's built on how do I pay people as little as possible and extract as much out of them as possible
So I can make as much money as possible
That's what they're doing and that's what they've been doing and since 2020 they've made more money than ever since the covet
um pandemic and all of that
And because we as regular ordinary citizens and people we don't understand our own power
We don't fight. We don't do anything to um
really um
Come back or or or or
Or fight those those powers that be we don't really do anything about it, right? We just accept it and say
Well, this is how it goes
We don't put out
You know, we don't we don't protest and not that we don't want to but in our country in America
We've been conditioned out of protest because we know we're going to get gas or shot
Right. That's what it is. We know that um, facial recognition is a thing and um, you are not allowed to protest
period in the story
And that is very very very unfortunate
Everybody knows it
Now if we talk about, you know, the work place, right and and the way we get treated in the workplace
I think sometimes the reason that people have a hard time understanding their relationship is because people think that the workplace
has their friends in it
People think that the workplace has their friends in it and the thing is the people at work are not their friends
They are not their friends not even a little bit and um
Those people aren't their friends and so it's important to
um, keep a distinction between those personal and professional boundaries
Like they don't need to know anything about you other than you know, what time you coming in the office and what time you leaving
What time you log it in and what time you logging off what time you going to lunch?
Maybe what time you coming back from lunch, but they don't need to know anything
They don't they don't need to know that
um, what what you need to do at work is to do your job because there is a lot of
narcissism in the workplace
and um, some of the key issues are workplace mobbing and bullying right and workplace violence, right?
um, if you're not
familiar with workplace mobbing, that's where
You know people get a group and they kind of gang up on one person and start
You know saying oh this person is has a bad attitude or this person is so this person doesn't want to be a team player
And bullying is what it is right? It's one person or two. It could be a group
But it is intentionally harassing and picking on a person those things happen all the time
Right and we know about workplace violence, right? That has has has just stepped up. Um over
um, the last you know, uh
10 years it's gotten worse, right? Um,
You know the thing is is that the work of healing is critical because narcissism is everywhere
So inside of the workplace, right? What does narcissism look like? Right?
I told y'all to look up the non-trades, but it looks like grandiosity. It looks like manipulation and it looks like a lack of empathy
They can fake empathy pretty damn good, but it's real
It they don't have emotional empathy. They might have some cognitive empathy, but they don't really have it
Those are just three gags characteristics the impact on employees. Of course is the harm, but it's reduced
Job satisfaction and turnover, right? So they're constantly looking for new jobs
um, and and workplace stress is a significant contributor to mental health issues including anxiety and depression
Because at work we are forced to be there and forced to deal with the way that people treat us
Just so that we can have a place to live just so that we can have electricity just so that we can have
uh internet and gas and hot water and trash and grass mood and whatever whatever, right?
um, and and that impact is something that we don't get the chance to process
We don't get a chance to process and we don't get a chance to process it is because
Narcissism is prevalent in a workplace
It's prevalent in a workplace
But let's talk about what we need to do to heal from it, right?
And not only heal from narcissism in a workplace, but heal from narcissism in general
I want to talk about three steps just three steps. The first one is acknowledging the trauma recognize what happened
Do it without gaslighting yourself do it without making excuses for people
But just recognizing acknowledge what happened. The second thing is uh, assess the impact understand the personal and professional repercussion
I had to leave corporate america. I had to leave big tech
I had to leave corporate america because I could not take the way I was treated any longer
I could not be treated like garbage at work anymore. I could not be paid the least even though
I'm the most experienced and the most educated I couldn't do it anymore
That was the impact to me, right?
And then the third piece is around radical acceptance and accepting that the stuff that happened it can't be changed
You got to get forgive yourself for anything that you perceive as a failure or a shortcoming
And and the thing is right the healing process itself
It revolved involves involved. I always say revolve and it evolved, but it involves two things
Number one is self-work right consistent persevering and enduring determination use a journal use a notebook
Hey, you can buy my journal right use voice memos, but you must do the self-work persistent
consistent
persevering
determined
To heal and do the self-work and the second is utilize tools and resources
Utilize strategies like gray rocking to get yourself, you know start to move yourself towards safety
Away from these relationships and get some professional coaching whether it's with me or with somebody else
Um get help get tools and get resources
That's part of the healing work and recognize right that it takes a year to to um adopt new habits
So going and getting a coach for six weeks. That's good. It can get you on the right track
But unless you keep everything going those things that you learned in six weeks for a year
Then you won't go right back to your same thing
You're going to go right back to your same thing unless you keep it going. So I want to recommend that you
um really put that self-work and tools and resources into place now
I want to talk a little bit about like what do you do if you're currently in a toxic environment
Um, what do you do when you're in these harmful environments?
The first thing you want to do is you really want to learn about um npd and bpd
You need to understand these behaviors
Um, you need to really understand them so that you can recognize them
You want to know what love bombing looks like you want to know what mirroring looks like you want to understand gas lighting
You want to know manipulation like you want to understand?
um these tactics and and know what these things look like so that you will be able to um keep yourself safe
And the second thing is avoid confrontation. Don't get into it. Don't be talking about
You know, oh you narcissist motherfucker. I knew it blah blah blah. No, don't do that. Don't do that
Do not confront the narc just just um
Focus on your own safety right just focus on doing your research
Just focus on you. Okay. The thing you need to do is keep a private notebook to record your experiences and process on your trauma
And speak with experts consult with somebody who's an expert on narcissistic abuse recovery. Okay?
Um, and then I want you to know right that if you need support
I do one-on-one coaching and advice on dealing with narcissistic abuse and you can reach out by just
Downloading the app and sending me a message. It is that simple. It is that simple now
The thing that is super important right in this whole process
When it comes to dealing with abuse when it comes to recovery when it comes to dealing with narcissism
It is so important to have
ongoing
self prioritization
wellness care
Strategies you have to have ongoing personal work so you can thrive so you can heal you have to do that for yourself
Because nobody's coming and nobody's gonna do it for you. There is not anybody that's going to sweep into your life
And be like, you know what you need to get a skincare regimen and be more detailed about it
You know what you need to change your um eating habits and stop eating refined sugars
You know what you need to listen nobody's coming and nobody's gonna do any of that for you
There's nobody gonna come right the u.s. Census. They know what it is
They know what income and poverty is in the united states. They're not going to do shit about it
The corporations leaning linkedin shirm everybody else. They know what it is. They know what equity looks like. They're not going to change
the american psychological um foundation the um american medical association
They know what the state of stress is in america. Okay, the national institution for health and everybody else
They know what the problems are y'all
And nobody is willing to do anything because in our society, right?
um, this is what it is in our society
Right people do not fight
For what we know is right
And the reason we don't do it. It's not our fault. The reason is a whole lot of damn programming a whole lot of trauma a whole lot of um
uh
Uh
Distraction right there's all of these things that got us messed up
And all of these things keep us from not only being our best selves
But keep us from being able to do the work of change
How about it the work of radical change and more so to do the work of thinking right?
We have all of these synapses. We have all of this stuff that's happening
And we don't even get a chance to ping
At any of it right I heard a statistic something about that there's something like
150 million
Characters right and out of 150 million characters. We only use like one
When you think about the vastness of our brain
So like the percentage that we really use is super small
Because a lot of the stuff that we do is subconscious and we do a lot of things subconsciously because we've been programmed and conditioned to
Right we go to school for 12 years and we learn a whole bunch of dumb shit
We don't even learn the things that's most important
For our survival. We don't learn about foraging food. We don't learn about you know safe food temperatures
We don't learn about how to use line for deodorant. We don't learn about you know
Just like we just we just don't learn anything that is useful
We learn the things that condition us to be able to work to condition us to strive for um, you know
Attainment of a certain thing, but we don't learn those things that are super important, right?
um, we don't learn how to
Be full human beings that that have our own autonomy, right? We don't learn that it's okay to say no, right?
We get told that people in authority are always right, right? We get told that
um, you know, if you you can't fight city hall, right?
We get told that you know if somebody gets a high paying job or a high title
Then it must mean they're a smart person like we get told a whole lot of bullshit
And most of it's not true, but because we don't have the time to think we don't have the time to dream
We don't have the time to imagine
We end up getting stuck
We end up getting stuck and that being stuck
Is the result that being stuck is the impact, right?
Of what has happened to us and once we realize that the impact is us being stuck
In whatever bad habit in whatever
Unproductive process in whatever
cyclical
Happening once we realize that we are are stuck there
We are in we move to the radical acceptance piece and we move to the recognizing that
That nothing from the past can be changed not a damn
Stinking thing can be changed
And all we can do is forgive ourselves for anything that we think that we did wrong
If we walking around here thinking that we did something wrong and that our life is fucked up because of a matter of you know
X amount of changes or X amount of choices that we made and blah blah blah blah
listen
if you can point to
Particular harm if you can point to parents and other adults harming you failing you leaving you
You know letting you down as a child, especially when you're very young
Listen, those things are still impacting you now and that is why it's important to acknowledge the trauma
That's why it's important to recognize what happened and don't gas like yourself
That's why the step after that is to assess the impact. What was the personal repercussion of that?
How did it impact you? I left my tech career
I didn't want to but I couldn't deal with it no more. I cannot be treated like that anymore
I cannot watch people. I can't I just can't it's too demoralizing
It's too it's too sad. It hurts too much
But most people don't want to say that something hurts most people don't want to deal with the pain most people don't want to say
Oh
This sucks ass and I'm tired of it and I want to cry for a little while
But we have to be consistent
In accepting that past things can't be changed. We have to persevere
in
overcoming
Right those parts of us that's telling us bullshit in our self-conscious mind about how we not good enough
And that's why our mom did this and that's why our father wasn't there and that's why this and that's why no no no no
All of that is what takes
Perseverance in terms of changing that self-talk
I talk about self-talk is our message. I talk about our mindset is
um
Our our our mindset is our mind right the way we think I talk about our mood is our feelings or our attitude and
Our movement is our behaviors or the way we act the things we do and when
We have a bunch of self-talk a bunch of negative messages
That is really something that hinders our self
Work our healing. That's why you want to constantly be using strategies
Constantly be in some sort of community with other people who are at least trying to do the same thing
At least trying to do the same thing and I'm not one for having big communities
Because I learned a long time ago that most people are so harmed and so damaged that they don't want to see other people healing
And doing well so I only do some very small groups
I mostly do one-on-one but in a very small group of people doing self-work
Um, it's life changing and that's what we do inside of the leadership learning collective
We have small groups that work on different areas whether we are talking about parenting or whether we talk about addition
Um, but but literally walking through the process of learning to
Leave the change that we want to see learning to be the change that we want to see that's what radical change leadership is all about
And that is why the work of radical change leadership is the work of managing your own radical change and that
involves healing and recovery
Period it involves healing and recovery and healing and recovery involves self-work
That has consistency that you are persevering and and enduring in your determination to get it done
And that you're using strategies tactics and tools
Um and resources to aid you along the way
To aid you along the way and so right um, you know, I want to leave you with the three steps
If you're in a toxic environment at home, but especially in the workplace
Learn about narcissism and avoid confrontations
Learn about narcissism and avoid the confrontation. Number two take some practical steps like documentation and seeking help
And number three get that support through consultations whether one on one
Um, or just you know some advice about dealing with narcissistic abuse. So, um, it's important to take care of yourself
ongoing
So that you can heal and thrive
So thank you so much for hanging out. I really appreciate it and I hope that you got as much out of this session
Um as I did because every time I do a session like this, I always learn something and um when I think about
recognizing that now I've had an entire whole ass history of narcissistic abuse
Um, and I know how to handle it as I encounter new narcissists um in different interactions
I know exactly what to do
I know exactly what to do and when you're ready if you need some support if you need some help, um, let me know
All you got to do is download the app the leaders learn radical change app. That's all you got to do is download that app
And then um, send me a message and in that message just let me know um, hey that you are ready to um get down
You are ready to do some work and um for the month of September and maybe even October we'll see I am um giving free 15 minute consultations to every person who gives me an Apple review
Um or a podcast review um in addition to a rating and all you got to do is give a screen capture of your review and rating um submission and then you get your 15 minutes free one-on-one consultation
So download the app and I'm looking forward to talking to you and I'm also looking forward to seeing you in the upcoming symposium power over procrastination which is September 25th and 26th
So it is coming up in two weeks and I'm looking forward to seeing y'all then
Have a good one. Bye bye