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You know, we are all about empowerment. We're all about innovation. We're all about impact

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um and results and

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I want to welcome you to

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workplace

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Wednesday

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Workplace Wednesday. I am excited to be here like I am every day whether it's a Tuesday or Wednesday a Thursday or Friday or even a Saturday

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here and

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For those of you who are new

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um radical change is a

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Platform as well as a company that focuses on empowerment innovation and results through

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Community building through innovative conferencing through

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one-on-one personal development coaching and through

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next-level executive and

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organizational consulting um and

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In all of that one of the amazing

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things that um radical change the platform does as it hosts the leadership learning collective and the leadership

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learning collective is the non-profit

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Organization that focuses on education in the areas of critical thought leadership

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Technology and the workplace and that's what we hear today and today is Wednesday and on Wednesdays

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We focus on being what I like to call

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workplace wise

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I like to call Wednesday workplace wise and today's topic is going to be in

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Line with what I've been talking about and today's topic is navigating trauma

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narcissism and healing in the workplace

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So let's get into it first and foremost if this is your first

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um a radical change leadership

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event um

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Live or the replay or the podcast welcome welcome welcome my name is bonza page

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I am the chief and I am the founder and I started a series on healing from a lifetime of narcissistic abuse

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in

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July of 2024 and

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And this work has been groundbreaking and it's been life changing for me from the standpoint of I have so

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much content that I have um have created over the years and now that I'm really

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Um like focused on this. I'm organizing it and I'm putting out so many things that are going to be able to help you

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and I am excited that the uh

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Uh tech talk Tuesdays and the workplace wise Wednesdays and the thought works Thursdays are going to be able to help you

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In this journey now whether you are navigating trauma, whether you're navigating narcissism

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Whether you're navigating healing if you've got to go to work

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It is important that you have some tools that you have some tactics and that you have techniques for yourself

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So let's get into it. Um the first thing that I want to talk about um is

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The experiences we're going to talk about the impact and then we're going to really talk about

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Pathways we're going to talk about it and I want to really talk about how

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People's experiences are based on their industry is based on their role is based on organizational hierarchy

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And you know, it's such a likelihood that if you are a central worker

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It's likely that you're going to be in a subservient role and those roles are often overseen by people who um are

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Narcissists right or they're carrying out a narcissist agenda

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inside of a narcissist organization

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So um today right what I want to uh walk away with is I want to make sure that y'all seriously understand

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the importance of

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Self prioritization the importance of self-care and I want to make sure also that if you know

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Um that you need some help because you're in a narcissistically abusive relationship

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You're in a toxic relationship. You're in a toxic workplace and you need some resources

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Listen download the radical change app and message me. Um, and we will get it on and popping. Okay

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So let's get it started. Let's get it started first and foremost. Let's talk about

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Understanding workplace trauma. Okay. Now my dog is barking in the background. Um, but don't you worry about that?

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She is okay. She's bullying me for food like she likens to do when I get on these conference calls

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Um, but I have an app which allows me to walk around the house and um get out the food and do what I need to do

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And keep it moving at the same time as you probably hear her little teeny footsteps kitty cat and kitty pat pat pat

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Pat in um on the floor. Okay. So first thing I want to

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qualify what is

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Narcissism and I want to talk a little bit about narcissistic personality disorder and we need to do this because

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It is important that we set the state. It is important that we set the

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context

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For the conversation because I think sometimes right people look at words

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Um, especially the words like narcissism and they look at it like oh well, everybody is talking about narcissism

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Or oh, it's not really that big of a deal or blip blip blip or whatever

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And the bottom line is narcissism is pervasive

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in our society and because

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narcissism is

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pervasive in our society

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It is the reasons that we don't do anything about it

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We it's been normalized. I did a podcast

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episode

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That you will hear coming up and it is in my managing my own radical change podcast series and in that podcast

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I've talked about an episode of everybody loves Raymond where Raymond tries to tell Robert

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To fame and competence that he can't send out a decent wedding invitation

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So of course Robert listens to dumbass Raymond sends out a curable wedding invitation

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Everybody goes berserk go

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But then everything is fine, right? He's forgiven all forgiven and everybody moves on like it wasn't nothing in the first place

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Okay, um

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And and and what it boils down to is that narcissism is rampant. We laugh at it

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Everybody loves Raymond is a sitcom

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And we laugh right we laugh at narcissism. I looked I was watching it and I said

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Ray

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narcissist Robert

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Narcissus Marie

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Narcissus

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Narcissus all in their own little way, right all in their own little way

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All got a different little flavor to it

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But they were all still

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Narcissus none the less

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All of them, right and it made me think like

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Okay, well

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um, if we are watching

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shows like this and we are laughing at narcissism. We are laughing at manipulation

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We're laughing at gaslighting. We're laughing at abuse. We're laughing at intentional embarrassment. Like we're laughing

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And guess what this is the society that we're in so the workplace, right? Is it anything except for a mirror?

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It's a microcosm and it's also a mirror, right? And so

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and so

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Workplace trauma is real

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So narcissistic abuse. I want you to look up narcissistic personality disorder. There are nine traits

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and

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Those nine character traits you don't have to do all nine to be a narcissist

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You have to have five some people say six to kind of be classified technically as one having

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narcissistic personality disorder

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so if you do um, um

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Have narcissistic personality disorder or if you are

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um in a

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uh relationship

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Where you believe you're being abused

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Um, it's really important to recognize that that is workplace trauma

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That's workplace trauma

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number two

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The second type of workplace trauma is the systemic issues, right? It's the systemic stuff

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And the systemic stuff is because of narcissism, right? Because of patriarchy and men get to decide everything. It's their world

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We just live in it and we have to navigate it, right?

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um

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And the men who are poor and or who may see themselves as advocates to to women and children

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They they have to navigate it too, but at the end of the day, this is a patriarchal um narcissistic patriarchal society

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period and

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many of our

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societal counterparts are just trying to figure out how they become the head narcissist

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That's what people are trying to figure it out and that's where we are with it

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So in addition to narcissistic abuse, right? The second part to workplace trauma is all about the systemic issues

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It's all about the systemic stuff, right? So we got inequities in pay advancement, but specifically for black women in the workplace

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specifically, right?

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um for black queer folk in the workplace

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That are out in any kind of way, but absolutely for black women

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absolutely for um native indigenous people

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absolutely

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Everybody else is made up and i'm not i'm not buying it. I'm not buying it. I'm not buying it

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The statistics are what they are. There's no statistics. They're ass a person. Um, are you gay or are you straight?

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They don't ask that on the i9 form, but they damn sure ask if you're black

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And black people get paid the least and black women get paid down at the bottom although black women have the highest education

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It's been like that and we know it but there is nothing that is willing to be done about it

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And that is trauma because that is financial trauma. It's psychological trauma. It's emotional trauma

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And all of those traumas can lead to physical trauma, right? Because you have a physical outcome

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Based on your other issues

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So let's get into it. Let's get into a couple of um statistics. Okay, so black women um earn um

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somewhere between um

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A 55 and 60 cents for every dollar earned by a white um not hispanic man, right?

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That's according to the census girl. They still got it off a little bit. Um, but persistent pay gaps

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And no progress toward equity. None. There's no there's no progress. Um, the fearless fund they got rid of that

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in um 2023 um

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and uh, you know that was on purpose

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And so these things are purposeful purposeful and these things are harmful and these things are damaging and these things are

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trauma

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These things are trauma in the workplace and it is it is critical

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It's critical that we understand that these things are trauma in the workplace

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And I know right that nobody wants to sit around and thinking about the workplace is such a terrible is such a terrible place

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Right, but it is because it's built on narcissism

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It's built on how do I pay people as little as possible and extract as much out of them as possible

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So I can make as much money as possible

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That's what they're doing and that's what they've been doing and since 2020 they've made more money than ever since the covet

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um pandemic and all of that

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And because we as regular ordinary citizens and people we don't understand our own power

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We don't fight. We don't do anything to um

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really um

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Come back or or or or

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Or fight those those powers that be we don't really do anything about it, right? We just accept it and say

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Well, this is how it goes

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We don't put out

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You know, we don't we don't protest and not that we don't want to but in our country in America

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We've been conditioned out of protest because we know we're going to get gas or shot

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Right. That's what it is. We know that um, facial recognition is a thing and um, you are not allowed to protest

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period in the story

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And that is very very very unfortunate

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Everybody knows it

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Now if we talk about, you know, the work place, right and and the way we get treated in the workplace

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I think sometimes the reason that people have a hard time understanding their relationship is because people think that the workplace

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has their friends in it

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People think that the workplace has their friends in it and the thing is the people at work are not their friends

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They are not their friends not even a little bit and um

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Those people aren't their friends and so it's important to

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um, keep a distinction between those personal and professional boundaries

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Like they don't need to know anything about you other than you know, what time you coming in the office and what time you leaving

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What time you log it in and what time you logging off what time you going to lunch?

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Maybe what time you coming back from lunch, but they don't need to know anything

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They don't they don't need to know that

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um, what what you need to do at work is to do your job because there is a lot of

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narcissism in the workplace

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and um, some of the key issues are workplace mobbing and bullying right and workplace violence, right?

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um, if you're not

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familiar with workplace mobbing, that's where

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You know people get a group and they kind of gang up on one person and start

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You know saying oh this person is has a bad attitude or this person is so this person doesn't want to be a team player

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And bullying is what it is right? It's one person or two. It could be a group

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But it is intentionally harassing and picking on a person those things happen all the time

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Right and we know about workplace violence, right? That has has has just stepped up. Um over

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um, the last you know, uh

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10 years it's gotten worse, right? Um,

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You know the thing is is that the work of healing is critical because narcissism is everywhere

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So inside of the workplace, right? What does narcissism look like? Right?

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I told y'all to look up the non-trades, but it looks like grandiosity. It looks like manipulation and it looks like a lack of empathy

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They can fake empathy pretty damn good, but it's real

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It they don't have emotional empathy. They might have some cognitive empathy, but they don't really have it

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Those are just three gags characteristics the impact on employees. Of course is the harm, but it's reduced

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Job satisfaction and turnover, right? So they're constantly looking for new jobs

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um, and and workplace stress is a significant contributor to mental health issues including anxiety and depression

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Because at work we are forced to be there and forced to deal with the way that people treat us

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Just so that we can have a place to live just so that we can have electricity just so that we can have

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uh internet and gas and hot water and trash and grass mood and whatever whatever, right?

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um, and and that impact is something that we don't get the chance to process

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We don't get a chance to process and we don't get a chance to process it is because

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Narcissism is prevalent in a workplace

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It's prevalent in a workplace

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But let's talk about what we need to do to heal from it, right?

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And not only heal from narcissism in a workplace, but heal from narcissism in general

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I want to talk about three steps just three steps. The first one is acknowledging the trauma recognize what happened

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Do it without gaslighting yourself do it without making excuses for people

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But just recognizing acknowledge what happened. The second thing is uh, assess the impact understand the personal and professional repercussion

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I had to leave corporate america. I had to leave big tech

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I had to leave corporate america because I could not take the way I was treated any longer

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I could not be treated like garbage at work anymore. I could not be paid the least even though

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I'm the most experienced and the most educated I couldn't do it anymore

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That was the impact to me, right?

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And then the third piece is around radical acceptance and accepting that the stuff that happened it can't be changed

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You got to get forgive yourself for anything that you perceive as a failure or a shortcoming

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And and the thing is right the healing process itself

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It revolved involves involved. I always say revolve and it evolved, but it involves two things

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Number one is self-work right consistent persevering and enduring determination use a journal use a notebook

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Hey, you can buy my journal right use voice memos, but you must do the self-work persistent

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consistent

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persevering

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determined

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To heal and do the self-work and the second is utilize tools and resources

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Utilize strategies like gray rocking to get yourself, you know start to move yourself towards safety

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Away from these relationships and get some professional coaching whether it's with me or with somebody else

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Um get help get tools and get resources

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That's part of the healing work and recognize right that it takes a year to to um adopt new habits

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So going and getting a coach for six weeks. That's good. It can get you on the right track

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But unless you keep everything going those things that you learned in six weeks for a year

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Then you won't go right back to your same thing

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You're going to go right back to your same thing unless you keep it going. So I want to recommend that you

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um really put that self-work and tools and resources into place now

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I want to talk a little bit about like what do you do if you're currently in a toxic environment

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Um, what do you do when you're in these harmful environments?

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The first thing you want to do is you really want to learn about um npd and bpd

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You need to understand these behaviors

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Um, you need to really understand them so that you can recognize them

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You want to know what love bombing looks like you want to know what mirroring looks like you want to understand gas lighting

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You want to know manipulation like you want to understand?

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um these tactics and and know what these things look like so that you will be able to um keep yourself safe

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And the second thing is avoid confrontation. Don't get into it. Don't be talking about

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You know, oh you narcissist motherfucker. I knew it blah blah blah. No, don't do that. Don't do that

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Do not confront the narc just just um

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Focus on your own safety right just focus on doing your research

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Just focus on you. Okay. The thing you need to do is keep a private notebook to record your experiences and process on your trauma

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And speak with experts consult with somebody who's an expert on narcissistic abuse recovery. Okay?

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Um, and then I want you to know right that if you need support

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I do one-on-one coaching and advice on dealing with narcissistic abuse and you can reach out by just

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Downloading the app and sending me a message. It is that simple. It is that simple now

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The thing that is super important right in this whole process

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When it comes to dealing with abuse when it comes to recovery when it comes to dealing with narcissism

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It is so important to have

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ongoing

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self prioritization

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wellness care

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Strategies you have to have ongoing personal work so you can thrive so you can heal you have to do that for yourself

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Because nobody's coming and nobody's gonna do it for you. There is not anybody that's going to sweep into your life

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And be like, you know what you need to get a skincare regimen and be more detailed about it

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You know what you need to change your um eating habits and stop eating refined sugars

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You know what you need to listen nobody's coming and nobody's gonna do any of that for you

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There's nobody gonna come right the u.s. Census. They know what it is

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They know what income and poverty is in the united states. They're not going to do shit about it

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The corporations leaning linkedin shirm everybody else. They know what it is. They know what equity looks like. They're not going to change

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the american psychological um foundation the um american medical association

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They know what the state of stress is in america. Okay, the national institution for health and everybody else

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They know what the problems are y'all

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And nobody is willing to do anything because in our society, right?

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um, this is what it is in our society

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Right people do not fight

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For what we know is right

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And the reason we don't do it. It's not our fault. The reason is a whole lot of damn programming a whole lot of trauma a whole lot of um

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uh

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Uh

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Distraction right there's all of these things that got us messed up

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And all of these things keep us from not only being our best selves

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But keep us from being able to do the work of change

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How about it the work of radical change and more so to do the work of thinking right?

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We have all of these synapses. We have all of this stuff that's happening

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And we don't even get a chance to ping

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At any of it right I heard a statistic something about that there's something like

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150 million

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Characters right and out of 150 million characters. We only use like one

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When you think about the vastness of our brain

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So like the percentage that we really use is super small

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Because a lot of the stuff that we do is subconscious and we do a lot of things subconsciously because we've been programmed and conditioned to

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Right we go to school for 12 years and we learn a whole bunch of dumb shit

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We don't even learn the things that's most important

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For our survival. We don't learn about foraging food. We don't learn about you know safe food temperatures

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We don't learn about how to use line for deodorant. We don't learn about you know

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Just like we just we just don't learn anything that is useful

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We learn the things that condition us to be able to work to condition us to strive for um, you know

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Attainment of a certain thing, but we don't learn those things that are super important, right?

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um, we don't learn how to

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Be full human beings that that have our own autonomy, right? We don't learn that it's okay to say no, right?

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We get told that people in authority are always right, right? We get told that

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um, you know, if you you can't fight city hall, right?

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We get told that you know if somebody gets a high paying job or a high title

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Then it must mean they're a smart person like we get told a whole lot of bullshit

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And most of it's not true, but because we don't have the time to think we don't have the time to dream

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We don't have the time to imagine

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We end up getting stuck

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We end up getting stuck and that being stuck

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Is the result that being stuck is the impact, right?

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Of what has happened to us and once we realize that the impact is us being stuck

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In whatever bad habit in whatever

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Unproductive process in whatever

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cyclical

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Happening once we realize that we are are stuck there

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We are in we move to the radical acceptance piece and we move to the recognizing that

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That nothing from the past can be changed not a damn

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Stinking thing can be changed

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And all we can do is forgive ourselves for anything that we think that we did wrong

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If we walking around here thinking that we did something wrong and that our life is fucked up because of a matter of you know

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X amount of changes or X amount of choices that we made and blah blah blah blah

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listen

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if you can point to

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Particular harm if you can point to parents and other adults harming you failing you leaving you

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You know letting you down as a child, especially when you're very young

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Listen, those things are still impacting you now and that is why it's important to acknowledge the trauma

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That's why it's important to recognize what happened and don't gas like yourself

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That's why the step after that is to assess the impact. What was the personal repercussion of that?

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How did it impact you? I left my tech career

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I didn't want to but I couldn't deal with it no more. I cannot be treated like that anymore

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I cannot watch people. I can't I just can't it's too demoralizing

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It's too it's too sad. It hurts too much

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But most people don't want to say that something hurts most people don't want to deal with the pain most people don't want to say

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Oh

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This sucks ass and I'm tired of it and I want to cry for a little while

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But we have to be consistent

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In accepting that past things can't be changed. We have to persevere

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in

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overcoming

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Right those parts of us that's telling us bullshit in our self-conscious mind about how we not good enough

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And that's why our mom did this and that's why our father wasn't there and that's why this and that's why no no no no

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All of that is what takes

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Perseverance in terms of changing that self-talk

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I talk about self-talk is our message. I talk about our mindset is

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um

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Our our our mindset is our mind right the way we think I talk about our mood is our feelings or our attitude and

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Our movement is our behaviors or the way we act the things we do and when

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We have a bunch of self-talk a bunch of negative messages

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That is really something that hinders our self

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Work our healing. That's why you want to constantly be using strategies

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Constantly be in some sort of community with other people who are at least trying to do the same thing

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At least trying to do the same thing and I'm not one for having big communities

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Because I learned a long time ago that most people are so harmed and so damaged that they don't want to see other people healing

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And doing well so I only do some very small groups

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I mostly do one-on-one but in a very small group of people doing self-work

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Um, it's life changing and that's what we do inside of the leadership learning collective

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We have small groups that work on different areas whether we are talking about parenting or whether we talk about addition

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Um, but but literally walking through the process of learning to

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Leave the change that we want to see learning to be the change that we want to see that's what radical change leadership is all about

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And that is why the work of radical change leadership is the work of managing your own radical change and that

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involves healing and recovery

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Period it involves healing and recovery and healing and recovery involves self-work

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That has consistency that you are persevering and and enduring in your determination to get it done

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And that you're using strategies tactics and tools

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Um and resources to aid you along the way

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To aid you along the way and so right um, you know, I want to leave you with the three steps

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If you're in a toxic environment at home, but especially in the workplace

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Learn about narcissism and avoid confrontations

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Learn about narcissism and avoid the confrontation. Number two take some practical steps like documentation and seeking help

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And number three get that support through consultations whether one on one

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Um, or just you know some advice about dealing with narcissistic abuse. So, um, it's important to take care of yourself

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ongoing

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So that you can heal and thrive

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So thank you so much for hanging out. I really appreciate it and I hope that you got as much out of this session

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Um as I did because every time I do a session like this, I always learn something and um when I think about

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recognizing that now I've had an entire whole ass history of narcissistic abuse

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Um, and I know how to handle it as I encounter new narcissists um in different interactions

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I know exactly what to do

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I know exactly what to do and when you're ready if you need some support if you need some help, um, let me know

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All you got to do is download the app the leaders learn radical change app. That's all you got to do is download that app

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And then um, send me a message and in that message just let me know um, hey that you are ready to um get down

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You are ready to do some work and um for the month of September and maybe even October we'll see I am um giving free 15 minute consultations to every person who gives me an Apple review

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Um or a podcast review um in addition to a rating and all you got to do is give a screen capture of your review and rating um submission and then you get your 15 minutes free one-on-one consultation

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So download the app and I'm looking forward to talking to you and I'm also looking forward to seeing you in the upcoming symposium power over procrastination which is September 25th and 26th

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So it is coming up in two weeks and I'm looking forward to seeing y'all then

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Have a good one. Bye bye