WEBVTT 00:00:09.819 --> 00:00:12.699 Hey everyone, this is Josh from Encounter Church 00:00:12.699 --> 00:00:15.279 Henley and thanks so much for tuning into our 00:00:15.279 --> 00:00:19.000 podcast. Our prayer is that through this podcast 00:00:19.000 --> 00:00:20.839 you can have an encounter with Jesus that will 00:00:20.839 --> 00:00:24.359 change your life. And now get ready for an inspiring 00:00:24.359 --> 00:00:29.600 message from our preaching team. Today's Bible 00:00:29.600 --> 00:01:00.679 reading is taken from 2 Samuel 18. Now Absalom 00:01:00.679 --> 00:01:03.920 happened to meet David's men He was riding his 00:01:03.920 --> 00:01:07.239 mule, and as the mule went under the thick branches 00:01:07.239 --> 00:01:10.400 of a large oak, Absalom's hair got caught in 00:01:10.400 --> 00:01:13.840 the tree. He was left hanging in mid -air while 00:01:13.840 --> 00:01:18.040 the mule he was riding on kept going. When one 00:01:18.040 --> 00:01:20.840 of the men saw what had happened, he told Joab, 00:01:21.400 --> 00:01:25.260 I saw Absalom hanging in an oak tree. Joab said 00:01:25.260 --> 00:01:28.739 to the man who told him this, What? You saw him? 00:01:29.040 --> 00:01:31.159 Why didn't you strike him to the ground right 00:01:31.159 --> 00:01:34.019 there? then I would have to give you ten shekels 00:01:34.019 --> 00:01:37.859 of silver and a warrior's belt. But the man replied, 00:01:38.280 --> 00:01:41.680 even if a thousand shekels were weighed out into 00:01:41.680 --> 00:01:44.879 my hands, I would not lay a hand on the king's 00:01:44.879 --> 00:01:49.620 son. In our hearing, the king commanded you and 00:01:49.620 --> 00:01:52.900 Abishai and Ittai, protect the young man Absalom 00:01:52.900 --> 00:01:56.799 for my sake. And if I had put my life in jeopardy 00:01:56.799 --> 00:01:59.560 and nothing is hidden from the king, you would 00:01:59.560 --> 00:02:03.420 have kept your distance from me. Joab said, I'm 00:02:03.420 --> 00:02:06.060 not going to wait like this for you. So he took 00:02:06.060 --> 00:02:09.199 three javelins in his hand and plunged them into 00:02:09.199 --> 00:02:12.379 Absalom's heart while Absalom was still alive 00:02:12.379 --> 00:02:16.419 in the oak tree. And 10 of Joab's armor bearers 00:02:16.419 --> 00:02:19.460 surrounded Absalom, struck him and killed him. 00:02:20.259 --> 00:02:23.020 Then Joab sounded the trumpet and the troops 00:02:23.020 --> 00:02:25.819 stopped pursuing Israel for Joab halted them. 00:02:36.800 --> 00:02:56.360 And we carry on in verse 31. The king asked the 00:02:56.360 --> 00:03:00.060 Kushite, is the young man Absalom safe? The Kushite 00:03:00.060 --> 00:03:03.180 replied, may the enemies of the Lord and King 00:03:03.180 --> 00:03:06.159 and all who rise up to harm be like that young 00:03:06.159 --> 00:03:09.560 man. The king was shaken, he went up to the room 00:03:09.560 --> 00:03:13.759 over the gateway and wept. As he went he said, 00:03:13.960 --> 00:03:18.000 oh my son Absalom, my son, my son Absalom, if 00:03:18.000 --> 00:03:21.479 only I had died instead of you. Oh Absalom, my 00:03:21.479 --> 00:03:25.430 son, my son. This is the word of the Lord. Good 00:03:25.430 --> 00:03:30.069 afternoon friends There's a running joke that 00:03:30.069 --> 00:03:34.330 when guys turn 30 they either get into lawns 00:03:34.330 --> 00:03:39.150 or marathons or smoking meat Can any men over 00:03:39.150 --> 00:03:44.210 30 attest to that? I want to add a third a fourth 00:03:44.210 --> 00:03:47.729 which is family trees and genealogies surely 00:03:47.729 --> 00:03:52.500 I've been getting my my family tree nerd on And 00:03:52.500 --> 00:03:56.039 it has been so much fun investigating, going 00:03:56.039 --> 00:03:57.979 through all the records, going through all my 00:03:57.979 --> 00:04:01.900 family's photos. I'm trying to get as far back 00:04:01.900 --> 00:04:04.919 as I possibly can. And in a family tree, you 00:04:04.919 --> 00:04:08.780 can actually see the scale of how many individual 00:04:08.780 --> 00:04:12.759 humans make up your family. You probably have 00:04:12.759 --> 00:04:17.060 a living memory of maybe a handful of your grandparents 00:04:17.060 --> 00:04:20.019 or your great -great -grandparents. And you know 00:04:20.019 --> 00:04:21.829 that... Grandparents, you've got four of them. 00:04:22.050 --> 00:04:24.750 Great grandparents, you've got eight of them. 00:04:25.949 --> 00:04:28.189 But you've probably never met your great, great 00:04:28.189 --> 00:04:33.170 grandparents. You have 16 of them. And I've managed 00:04:33.170 --> 00:04:35.589 to get seven generations back. So that's the 00:04:35.589 --> 00:04:38.410 fifth great grandparents. So it's great, great, 00:04:38.589 --> 00:04:41.189 great. No, I need to count on my fingers to keep 00:04:41.189 --> 00:04:46.750 going. And you have 128 of them. Fifth great 00:04:46.750 --> 00:04:52.610 grandparents. 128 individual humans with stories 00:04:52.610 --> 00:04:55.970 and strengths and flaws and quirks and mannerisms. 00:04:56.850 --> 00:04:59.550 And if you add up every direct ancestor from 00:04:59.550 --> 00:05:03.790 seven generations, that's 1 ,022 human beings 00:05:03.790 --> 00:05:09.970 that make up your family. And they're our inheritance. 00:05:10.589 --> 00:05:14.310 In some way, big or small, those 1 ,022 people 00:05:14.310 --> 00:05:19.339 have shaped you and your story. Is it any wonder 00:05:19.339 --> 00:05:24.720 that our families are so complex? You learn some 00:05:24.720 --> 00:05:26.220 interesting things about your family when you 00:05:26.220 --> 00:05:29.740 start to dig and dig. For example, on my dad's 00:05:29.740 --> 00:05:32.800 side, which is also Steph's dad's side, there 00:05:32.800 --> 00:05:37.279 is a pattern of sibling estrangement. So siblings 00:05:37.279 --> 00:05:39.800 that don't speak to one another. They just don't 00:05:39.800 --> 00:05:42.480 talk to them at all. And it goes back generations 00:05:42.480 --> 00:05:44.360 and generations. So really it's a miracle that 00:05:44.360 --> 00:05:47.850 Steph and I are in the same room. together on 00:05:47.850 --> 00:05:50.470 a Sunday afternoon in Jesus' name. Thank you. 00:05:51.810 --> 00:05:53.870 You know, we're so shaped by the dynamics of 00:05:53.870 --> 00:05:56.829 our families and there's so many different parts 00:05:56.829 --> 00:05:59.290 and so many different families that come together 00:05:59.290 --> 00:06:03.370 in your family. And it can be hard to know with 00:06:03.370 --> 00:06:07.730 all the complexity. How can I most effectively 00:06:07.730 --> 00:06:11.990 love my family? Last week Ash talked about an 00:06:11.990 --> 00:06:14.529 inheritance of grace and an inheritance of brokenness. 00:06:14.920 --> 00:06:17.980 How do we love our family in our inheritances, 00:06:18.560 --> 00:06:22.680 even if they're full of grace and those parts 00:06:22.680 --> 00:06:25.459 that are full of brokenness? See, we say stuff 00:06:25.459 --> 00:06:27.459 like, blood is thicker than water, and we know 00:06:27.459 --> 00:06:30.160 that we should love our families. And this is 00:06:30.160 --> 00:06:32.420 one of the most basic assumptions we have as 00:06:32.420 --> 00:06:35.860 human beings. And it's for good reason. But the 00:06:35.860 --> 00:06:38.660 reality is that this is really hard sometimes. 00:06:39.360 --> 00:06:41.480 and really complex. And I want to acknowledge 00:06:41.480 --> 00:06:44.459 that, that not everyone has had good experiences 00:06:44.459 --> 00:06:48.959 with family. And over the last couple of weeks, 00:06:49.279 --> 00:06:50.660 we've been going through our series, it's all 00:06:50.660 --> 00:06:54.899 about family. And we've looked at the families 00:06:54.899 --> 00:06:56.420 in our life. We looked at our church family, 00:06:56.800 --> 00:06:59.639 the family that God has given us, as text preached 00:06:59.639 --> 00:07:04.160 on. And then we've looked at our family. And 00:07:04.160 --> 00:07:07.079 the reality is that neither of those are perfect. 00:07:07.819 --> 00:07:10.399 And sometimes they can be really, really hard 00:07:10.399 --> 00:07:14.180 to love. It can be hard to know how to love people 00:07:14.180 --> 00:07:16.399 that you are supposed to be deeply connected 00:07:16.399 --> 00:07:18.839 to. But the things they do and the things they 00:07:18.839 --> 00:07:24.899 say can sometimes be deeply unloving and wildly 00:07:24.899 --> 00:07:29.019 at odds with who we are and who we want to be. 00:07:30.019 --> 00:07:32.819 And sometimes what our family does and what our 00:07:32.819 --> 00:07:36.199 family says are at wild odds with who they want 00:07:36.199 --> 00:07:43.569 to be. How do we really love our families? In 00:07:43.569 --> 00:07:46.930 our teaching text today, we've got the death 00:07:46.930 --> 00:07:49.670 of Absalom, one of King David. King David is 00:07:49.670 --> 00:07:53.129 the greatest of all Israelite kings. And before 00:07:53.129 --> 00:07:55.290 his death, Absalom was actually the first, like 00:07:55.290 --> 00:07:58.889 the heir to the throne, the next in line. And 00:07:58.889 --> 00:08:01.810 yet in this, we see him die at the hands of the 00:08:01.810 --> 00:08:05.449 commander of David's army, Joab, who's ultimately 00:08:05.449 --> 00:08:09.279 protecting David from Absalom. Because Absalom's 00:08:09.279 --> 00:08:12.180 sole aim in this whole encounter is to end David's 00:08:12.180 --> 00:08:17.600 life. How does he get to this point? We can see 00:08:17.600 --> 00:08:21.639 by his response, my son, my son Absalom, that 00:08:21.639 --> 00:08:25.759 David deeply loves him. He wishes that he died 00:08:25.759 --> 00:08:29.459 in Absalom's place. You don't wish that for someone 00:08:29.459 --> 00:08:31.879 that you don't like. You don't even wish that 00:08:31.879 --> 00:08:34.500 for someone you feel kind of met an average about. 00:08:35.210 --> 00:08:37.309 or not even for someone that you like and you 00:08:37.309 --> 00:08:40.870 think is like a good laugh and a good hang. You 00:08:40.870 --> 00:08:43.549 do that for someone that you love deeply, right? 00:08:44.590 --> 00:08:47.429 So how does he get here? How does David, one 00:08:47.429 --> 00:08:50.090 of the greatest of all kings, the one that God 00:08:50.090 --> 00:08:53.370 said he's a man after his own heart, end up with 00:08:53.370 --> 00:08:57.490 a son that is actively trying to see him dead 00:08:57.490 --> 00:09:01.269 and take his kingdom? And David still loves him 00:09:01.269 --> 00:09:04.730 enough to want to take his place. He gets there. 00:09:04.809 --> 00:09:08.690 by a series of tragic failures on his own behalf. 00:09:10.830 --> 00:09:14.850 Now, Absalom is a saga, right? It's like, think 00:09:14.850 --> 00:09:18.269 of any TV show, like it's a long saga in the 00:09:18.269 --> 00:09:21.350 book of Samuel. It's six chapters long, and that's 00:09:21.350 --> 00:09:25.049 like an eternity in these books. And so we're 00:09:25.049 --> 00:09:26.950 not gonna pick our way through all of it today, 00:09:27.009 --> 00:09:31.490 but I wanna highlight three ways in which David 00:09:31.490 --> 00:09:35.039 fails to love his family. that ends him up right 00:09:35.039 --> 00:09:39.220 here, the death of his son. Because David has 00:09:39.220 --> 00:09:41.379 something to teach us about how to love our families, 00:09:41.519 --> 00:09:44.559 especially when they're complex and hard to love. 00:09:44.860 --> 00:09:46.440 And we're going to do what I certainly failed 00:09:46.440 --> 00:09:48.340 to do as a teenager, I'm sure you didn't, which 00:09:48.340 --> 00:09:51.120 is to learn from someone else's mistakes. We're 00:09:51.120 --> 00:09:53.039 going to learn from David's mistakes today, okay? 00:09:54.500 --> 00:09:57.059 So there are three failures in David's parenting 00:09:57.059 --> 00:09:59.419 in this saga. And I'm going to call him his three 00:09:59.419 --> 00:10:01.460 family sins, because I think it sounds better. 00:10:02.180 --> 00:10:05.600 But sin is a word that comes with a lot of imaginative 00:10:05.600 --> 00:10:10.860 and perhaps emotional baggage. And talking about 00:10:10.860 --> 00:10:13.220 sin, it comes with these connotations of judgment. 00:10:13.879 --> 00:10:15.980 But what we're talking about today is in the 00:10:15.980 --> 00:10:19.419 objective sense, right? That sin is a misaligned 00:10:19.419 --> 00:10:22.500 action. It's a sort of wrong action that has 00:10:22.500 --> 00:10:26.740 destructive potential. See, David makes these 00:10:26.740 --> 00:10:29.179 choices and they ultimately destroy his relationships 00:10:29.179 --> 00:10:34.950 with his children. And this is almost a spoiler 00:10:34.950 --> 00:10:38.429 alert. This is a deeply unpleasant story. But 00:10:38.429 --> 00:10:40.950 I don't want to shy away from unpleasant stories 00:10:40.950 --> 00:10:44.830 in the Bible because frankly they reflect the 00:10:44.830 --> 00:10:47.549 reality of life, right? Sometimes life can be 00:10:47.549 --> 00:10:51.970 deeply unpleasant. But I want you to hear me, 00:10:52.009 --> 00:10:54.110 especially those of us in the room who have children. 00:10:54.889 --> 00:10:57.929 We all know that we make mistakes when it comes 00:10:57.929 --> 00:11:00.860 to parenting. and that we make the wrong choices 00:11:00.860 --> 00:11:03.679 when it comes to our family. And I, like, each 00:11:03.679 --> 00:11:06.259 of these three sins, I've done it. I just want 00:11:06.259 --> 00:11:09.419 to put that out there, right? And you would be 00:11:09.419 --> 00:11:13.240 an exceptional human being if you hadn't. So 00:11:13.240 --> 00:11:14.960 the point of looking at David's choices is not 00:11:14.960 --> 00:11:18.460 to condemn us or to feel condemned about our 00:11:18.460 --> 00:11:21.659 mistakes, or we would all be condemned, but it's 00:11:21.659 --> 00:11:24.740 to build an understanding that these patterns 00:11:24.740 --> 00:11:28.340 that we see in David's family they still exist 00:11:28.340 --> 00:11:31.240 in our families today, and they exist in the 00:11:31.240 --> 00:11:33.120 church as well, because the church functions 00:11:33.120 --> 00:11:38.919 like a big family. Because if we can understand 00:11:38.919 --> 00:11:41.580 them, then we can bring them into the grace of 00:11:41.580 --> 00:11:44.799 Jesus, and we can choose a better way, and we 00:11:44.799 --> 00:11:47.919 can love our families. Here's the first scene 00:11:47.919 --> 00:11:50.799 that David commits. It's a scene of doing nothing. 00:11:52.539 --> 00:11:55.320 So this whole saga, it begins with David's daughter, 00:11:55.840 --> 00:11:59.220 Tamar. Tamar is Absalom's only full sister because 00:11:59.220 --> 00:12:02.320 David has many wives and many sons and daughters. 00:12:03.919 --> 00:12:07.840 And Tamar's sister, to put it mildly, very mildly, 00:12:08.299 --> 00:12:10.960 is sexually assaulted by her half -brother Amnon. 00:12:12.039 --> 00:12:14.259 So Amnon is the firstborn son. He's the heir 00:12:14.259 --> 00:12:17.480 to the throne. Amnon does what he wants and then 00:12:17.480 --> 00:12:20.519 he throws Tamar away. And he leaves her in that 00:12:20.519 --> 00:12:23.320 culture without protection or a future. And when 00:12:23.320 --> 00:12:26.440 David hears about this, the text says he is very 00:12:26.440 --> 00:12:31.600 angry, but he does nothing. He does nothing. 00:12:32.419 --> 00:12:34.940 See, Mosaic law, the law that they were under, 00:12:35.299 --> 00:12:38.740 decrees at least either death for Amnon, for 00:12:38.740 --> 00:12:41.860 what he did, or at least some kind of restitution 00:12:41.860 --> 00:12:45.980 for Tamar. But he does nothing. Nothing, neither 00:12:45.980 --> 00:12:50.299 is given. It says David loves Amnon, and as he's 00:12:50.299 --> 00:12:52.620 first born in his heir, he just does nothing. 00:12:52.889 --> 00:12:58.330 He's angry, but he does nothing. And even though 00:12:58.330 --> 00:13:02.330 David is complicit in this act, he's the one 00:13:02.330 --> 00:13:05.809 who gives Amnon access to Tamar. He agrees to 00:13:05.809 --> 00:13:08.250 Amnon's request to have her take care of him. 00:13:08.970 --> 00:13:11.309 And he's complicit in this, not just because 00:13:11.309 --> 00:13:14.169 of his inaction that he does nothing in response, 00:13:14.769 --> 00:13:18.629 or because he greenlit this opportunity, but 00:13:18.629 --> 00:13:21.629 because his son is actually perpetuating his 00:13:21.629 --> 00:13:24.379 own behavior. If you know the story of David, 00:13:24.419 --> 00:13:27.299 David uses his own power to generate an opportunity 00:13:27.299 --> 00:13:31.399 to sexually assault the Sheba. David has suffered 00:13:31.399 --> 00:13:34.379 deeply for this. He's repented of it. If you 00:13:34.379 --> 00:13:37.360 read Psalm 51, it's a cry of a heart that is 00:13:37.360 --> 00:13:41.059 genuinely turned around. But his own sin is following 00:13:41.059 --> 00:13:44.519 him in his family and his children. Now here's 00:13:44.519 --> 00:13:46.419 a moment for David, right? It's a moment that 00:13:46.419 --> 00:13:49.100 could have prevented every other moment and prevented 00:13:49.100 --> 00:13:54.299 Absalom from dying. hanging in a tree, because 00:13:54.299 --> 00:13:57.480 David here could have taken responsibility for 00:13:57.480 --> 00:14:00.740 this. He's perpetuated this behavior, but he 00:14:00.740 --> 00:14:03.700 has repented. He's suffered. But in this moment, 00:14:03.700 --> 00:14:05.759 he could take a stand and say, hey, this behavior 00:14:05.759 --> 00:14:08.679 will not continue in my family. It ends with 00:14:08.679 --> 00:14:11.019 me. I will put a stop to this and do something 00:14:11.019 --> 00:14:13.519 about the evil that had happened and is happening 00:14:13.519 --> 00:14:16.639 among his children. He could hold Amnon accountable 00:14:16.639 --> 00:14:20.379 and secure a life and a future for Tamar. But 00:14:20.379 --> 00:14:25.039 he does neither. Amnon's atrocity is ignored. 00:14:25.259 --> 00:14:27.940 Tamar is cast aside. She's not even allowed to 00:14:27.940 --> 00:14:30.059 live in David's own house, but she's taken in 00:14:30.059 --> 00:14:33.700 by Absalom, her brother. This is the sin of doing 00:14:33.700 --> 00:14:38.100 nothing. And this can be a pattern in our families. 00:14:39.620 --> 00:14:42.519 I wonder, in your family or in the churches you've 00:14:42.519 --> 00:14:44.659 been a part of, what are the things that have 00:14:44.659 --> 00:14:47.279 happened that it seems like no one wants to talk 00:14:47.279 --> 00:14:50.669 about? And everyone wants to just pretend it 00:14:50.669 --> 00:14:53.610 never happened and move on. We just go, oh, that's 00:14:53.610 --> 00:14:57.370 just Uncle Joseph, and just excuse their behavior, 00:14:57.409 --> 00:15:00.929 and we don't hold Uncle Joseph to account. You 00:15:00.929 --> 00:15:02.389 know, there's a saying in leadership, which is 00:15:02.389 --> 00:15:04.970 that you get what you tolerate, and that applies 00:15:04.970 --> 00:15:06.809 here. Like, we perpetuate the things that we 00:15:06.809 --> 00:15:09.889 ignore. If you accept casual racism from Grandpa 00:15:09.889 --> 00:15:13.009 at Christmas lunch, say, well, that's just Grandpa, 00:15:13.129 --> 00:15:15.269 you know, he's part of a different generation. 00:15:16.490 --> 00:15:20.710 Play it out. How keen are you to spend time with 00:15:20.710 --> 00:15:23.309 grandpa? How keen are you to have him around 00:15:23.309 --> 00:15:26.350 your kids or hang out with your friends? You're 00:15:26.350 --> 00:15:29.730 not so keen, are you? Not so keen. So we pull 00:15:29.730 --> 00:15:32.769 away and avoid rather than drawing close to hold 00:15:32.769 --> 00:15:36.269 account. So who loses in this situation, this 00:15:36.269 --> 00:15:40.529 hypothetical? Grandpa loses. But also you. You 00:15:40.529 --> 00:15:43.470 also lose. So I want to ask, what's more loving 00:15:43.470 --> 00:15:47.169 to grandpa? Doing nothing? ignoring, tolerating, 00:15:47.350 --> 00:15:50.149 withdrawing from relationship or coming alongside 00:15:50.149 --> 00:15:53.389 and challenging the behavior which could then 00:15:53.389 --> 00:15:55.909 lead to deepening your relationship. Now if you 00:15:55.909 --> 00:15:57.669 hold people to account and they don't listen, 00:15:57.789 --> 00:15:59.129 they don't do anything about it, that's a whole 00:15:59.129 --> 00:16:02.149 other thing, right? But so many times in our 00:16:02.149 --> 00:16:05.110 families, in the church as well, we just skip 00:16:05.110 --> 00:16:09.230 the first step and we just do nothing. We just 00:16:09.230 --> 00:16:12.350 keep going and we perpetuate David's sin of doing 00:16:12.350 --> 00:16:15.230 nothing. rather than gently and lovingly holding 00:16:15.230 --> 00:16:17.889 people accountable. I remember a time when I 00:16:17.889 --> 00:16:21.129 did nothing. I was driving in the car with one 00:16:21.129 --> 00:16:24.649 of my close mates who was also in ministry, and 00:16:24.649 --> 00:16:26.649 he began to talk about the people in his church 00:16:26.649 --> 00:16:31.409 who were his fans, who adored him. Now, I don't 00:16:31.409 --> 00:16:34.450 have any fans here, so that's fine. But they 00:16:34.450 --> 00:16:37.190 adored him, right? And he was talking about all 00:16:37.190 --> 00:16:40.559 this. He just kept going about his fans. And 00:16:40.559 --> 00:16:42.440 what I should have done is clip him behind the 00:16:42.440 --> 00:16:47.539 ears and say, you know, grow up, basically. Proverbs 00:16:47.539 --> 00:16:50.399 16 -18 says, pride comes before destruction and 00:16:50.399 --> 00:16:53.399 an arrogant spirit comes before a fall. And ain't 00:16:53.399 --> 00:16:56.500 that the truth? And lo and behold, a month later, 00:16:56.519 --> 00:16:59.220 he just blows up his ministry and his life. See, 00:16:59.279 --> 00:17:01.299 I let just let it go. It was like I was playing 00:17:01.299 --> 00:17:03.720 cricket and I just let it go through. I just 00:17:03.720 --> 00:17:06.960 let the ball go through to the keeper. But what 00:17:06.960 --> 00:17:09.180 would have been the most loving thing? It would 00:17:09.180 --> 00:17:12.279 have been clipping in behind the ears. And you 00:17:12.279 --> 00:17:14.099 can bet that I remember that, and I will never 00:17:14.099 --> 00:17:16.799 forget that, and I will never not say something 00:17:16.799 --> 00:17:22.400 next time. Because in our families, the most 00:17:22.400 --> 00:17:25.660 loving thing we can do isn't nothing, but something. 00:17:26.720 --> 00:17:31.240 Something. Stand up to challenge to, like, I 00:17:31.240 --> 00:17:33.819 am not going to accept this poor behavior around 00:17:33.819 --> 00:17:37.799 me. So instead of doing nothing, hold accountable. 00:17:38.480 --> 00:17:41.660 This is the second sin, the sin of pulling away. 00:17:42.799 --> 00:17:44.940 See what happens after this is Absalom's furious, 00:17:46.099 --> 00:17:48.200 and he's furious because of what's happened, 00:17:48.200 --> 00:17:49.779 but he's also furious that his brother hasn't 00:17:49.779 --> 00:17:52.680 been held to account. And so for two years, Absalom 00:17:52.680 --> 00:17:57.000 plots to murder Amnon. And he is very successful 00:17:57.000 --> 00:18:01.759 in his plot to murder Amnon. And again, seemingly 00:18:01.759 --> 00:18:04.819 at every point in this story, David just greenlights 00:18:04.819 --> 00:18:06.779 everything. It's like he's asleep at the wheel. 00:18:07.599 --> 00:18:10.079 He's he's like yeah, go go hang out go have a 00:18:10.079 --> 00:18:12.859 feast with Amnon like like nothing's gonna happen 00:18:12.859 --> 00:18:16.460 and Again David continues the pattern of doing 00:18:16.460 --> 00:18:20.819 nothing The law decrees that Absalom should be 00:18:20.819 --> 00:18:23.700 put to death for the murder of his brother but 00:18:23.700 --> 00:18:26.880 Absalom is now the heir to the throne and putting 00:18:26.880 --> 00:18:29.740 The next in line to the throne to death as well 00:18:29.740 --> 00:18:33.559 is not good for the family business So Absalom 00:18:33.559 --> 00:18:36.140 flees for three years or he's banished. It's 00:18:36.140 --> 00:18:38.200 really unclear, but he's just not there for three 00:18:38.200 --> 00:18:41.420 years and and after three years the scriptures 00:18:41.420 --> 00:18:44.539 say that David long like the anger of What's 00:18:44.539 --> 00:18:47.599 happened passes and he longs to be recon reunited 00:18:47.599 --> 00:18:51.140 with his son Absalom But again, he does nothing 00:18:51.140 --> 00:18:55.799 he does nothing So it's Joab The one who ends 00:18:55.799 --> 00:18:58.099 up killing Absalom that decides enough is enough 00:18:58.099 --> 00:19:00.079 and he manufactures this way to tell the king 00:19:00.079 --> 00:19:02.549 a parable that would turn his heart towards bringing 00:19:02.549 --> 00:19:05.289 Absalom home, which is clever, right? Because 00:19:05.289 --> 00:19:08.329 he's copying the prophet Nathan's homework, if 00:19:08.329 --> 00:19:11.470 you remember the story of Bathsheba, where he 00:19:11.470 --> 00:19:15.250 tells a parable about what happened with Bathsheba, 00:19:15.250 --> 00:19:17.670 but he puts the king in the place of the person 00:19:17.670 --> 00:19:20.410 who did the wrong. So David immediately sees 00:19:20.410 --> 00:19:25.430 through the ruse, but he still greenlights Absalom's 00:19:25.430 --> 00:19:31.880 return on one condition. He can't see him. Absalom 00:19:31.880 --> 00:19:35.039 would never see the king again. He can come home, 00:19:35.079 --> 00:19:36.500 he can live at home, but he can never see the 00:19:36.500 --> 00:19:39.200 king. He can never see his dad again. And so 00:19:39.200 --> 00:19:42.420 why? Why does David do this? Is this punishment 00:19:42.420 --> 00:19:45.740 for the death of Abnon? I mean, I feel like this 00:19:45.740 --> 00:19:47.880 would be worse than being in exile. You're at 00:19:47.880 --> 00:19:49.900 home, but every day you're reminded that you're 00:19:49.900 --> 00:19:52.819 estranged from your father. So for two years, 00:19:52.940 --> 00:19:54.380 Absalom lives in Jerusalem. He doesn't see the 00:19:54.380 --> 00:19:57.279 king. Let's count the years now, if you're following, 00:19:57.440 --> 00:20:00.039 right? You've got two years plotting a murder. 00:20:00.359 --> 00:20:02.720 Three years in exile, and now two years you've 00:20:02.720 --> 00:20:06.359 been banned from seeing your dad. This is seven 00:20:06.359 --> 00:20:10.660 years in to the saga of Absalom. And in seven 00:20:10.660 --> 00:20:12.779 years, David has only cultivated in the heart 00:20:12.779 --> 00:20:17.460 of his son, not love, but bitterness, contempt, 00:20:17.759 --> 00:20:21.259 and estrangement. He's committed the sin of pulling 00:20:21.259 --> 00:20:25.359 away. Now I wonder what would happen if David 00:20:25.359 --> 00:20:28.000 had drawn near instead of pulling away to Absalom 00:20:28.000 --> 00:20:30.849 after. He murdered Amnon. Go on to him where 00:20:30.849 --> 00:20:32.849 he was openly hiding or at least to see him when 00:20:32.849 --> 00:20:35.890 he was allowed to return and said, mate, because 00:20:35.890 --> 00:20:38.109 I just imagine that King David is like a bit 00:20:38.109 --> 00:20:43.490 ocker. Mate, I was wrong to do nothing. But you 00:20:43.490 --> 00:20:46.190 were wrong to murder your brother. Here's how 00:20:46.190 --> 00:20:48.890 I'll hold myself to account. But also I need 00:20:48.890 --> 00:20:51.450 to hold you to account. So here's what we're 00:20:51.450 --> 00:20:53.390 going to do. This whole thing ends with you and 00:20:53.390 --> 00:20:56.730 I right now. Imagine if David had had that conversation. 00:20:57.420 --> 00:20:59.960 I don't think Absalom ends up hanging in a tree 00:20:59.960 --> 00:21:03.420 if David draws near rather than pulling away. 00:21:04.079 --> 00:21:06.059 See David, but David's just, he's consumed by 00:21:06.059 --> 00:21:08.059 his anger, he's consumed by his embarrassment 00:21:08.059 --> 00:21:11.259 and probably his anxiety. He's trying to strengthen 00:21:11.259 --> 00:21:13.980 his position in the relationship and punish Absalom 00:21:13.980 --> 00:21:17.039 by pulling away. But ultimately it creates the 00:21:17.039 --> 00:21:21.619 opposite of what David is after. You see to actively 00:21:21.619 --> 00:21:24.680 resolve conflict we actually have to draw near 00:21:24.680 --> 00:21:29.000 rather than pull away. My daughter has been hard 00:21:29.000 --> 00:21:31.319 work this year. She's for I don't know what is 00:21:31.319 --> 00:21:34.059 about four -year -old girls, but there's something 00:21:34.059 --> 00:21:38.839 else It's so hard she's always been part Disney 00:21:38.839 --> 00:21:42.299 princess part Street Fighter, but like she's 00:21:42.299 --> 00:21:44.819 just a little bit of psycho that's gotten in 00:21:44.819 --> 00:21:48.519 there a little bit and And I recently realized 00:21:48.519 --> 00:21:51.019 that this is this is like this is parenting honesty 00:21:51.019 --> 00:21:53.160 sessions, right? that there was this dynamic 00:21:53.160 --> 00:21:55.700 between us that she would act up and bite and 00:21:55.700 --> 00:21:58.359 do all kinds of crazy stuff. And so in response, 00:21:58.359 --> 00:22:01.180 I would withdraw from her. I would walk away. 00:22:01.319 --> 00:22:03.099 And partially that was good parenting strategy 00:22:03.099 --> 00:22:05.940 because I needed a moment to just take a breath 00:22:05.940 --> 00:22:08.440 and kind of get a hold of myself before I so 00:22:08.440 --> 00:22:11.420 that I could try and respond well because I don't 00:22:11.420 --> 00:22:15.720 respond well to being bitten. But here's the 00:22:15.720 --> 00:22:17.640 honest reflection, right? And this is my parenting 00:22:17.640 --> 00:22:21.670 failure. Learn from my mistakes. Walking away 00:22:21.670 --> 00:22:24.710 was also my way of getting back at her. It was 00:22:24.710 --> 00:22:27.170 also my way of getting back at her. But this 00:22:27.170 --> 00:22:29.930 changed when I realized that Olly acting out 00:22:29.930 --> 00:22:32.990 was actually a bid for connection with me, right? 00:22:33.069 --> 00:22:35.230 She was lashing out at me because she wanted 00:22:35.230 --> 00:22:39.509 me to draw near and connect with her. And when 00:22:39.509 --> 00:22:41.809 I started to realize this and started to, when 00:22:41.809 --> 00:22:45.450 she was biting and doing other stuff that is 00:22:45.450 --> 00:22:50.019 great, if I drew near to her instead, If I drew 00:22:50.019 --> 00:22:53.200 near to her, then the whole situation resolved 00:22:53.200 --> 00:22:55.839 pretty easily. If I like locked in, I was like, 00:22:55.900 --> 00:22:58.140 I'm just gonna lock in with you right now. You 00:22:58.140 --> 00:23:02.039 have my whole attention. The whole thing just 00:23:02.039 --> 00:23:05.700 resolved. But if I withdrew, it got worse and 00:23:05.700 --> 00:23:08.799 worse and worse. And there was times, days where 00:23:08.799 --> 00:23:10.500 we just got to a point which we could not come 00:23:10.500 --> 00:23:16.079 down from. We just couldn't come down. Absalom 00:23:16.079 --> 00:23:18.779 at multiple points here. makes bid for connection 00:23:18.779 --> 00:23:22.059 with his dad and sometimes it's in pretty bad 00:23:22.059 --> 00:23:26.539 ways but David's response is to pull away not 00:23:26.539 --> 00:23:30.079 to draw near. You see this dynamic is consistent 00:23:30.079 --> 00:23:33.400 in in our churches and in our families sometimes 00:23:33.400 --> 00:23:36.559 the most loving thing we can do is to draw near 00:23:36.559 --> 00:23:38.680 instead when we on those times that we feel like 00:23:38.680 --> 00:23:40.660 we just need to pull away we just need to pull 00:23:40.660 --> 00:23:42.019 away we just need to spend some time away from 00:23:42.019 --> 00:23:44.359 church we just need to spend some time we need 00:23:44.359 --> 00:23:47.019 to go and live overseas for a little bit. or 00:23:47.019 --> 00:23:48.660 go live in to stay or go get a job somewhere 00:23:48.660 --> 00:23:51.480 else when actually what we need to do is to draw 00:23:51.480 --> 00:23:56.200 near. Now I should have multiple disclaimers 00:23:56.200 --> 00:23:59.099 in this but here's one that doesn't mean you 00:23:59.099 --> 00:24:03.160 override your boundaries to draw near. Sometimes 00:24:03.160 --> 00:24:04.819 the most loving thing you can do for your family 00:24:04.819 --> 00:24:07.039 sometimes and for your relationship in the church 00:24:07.039 --> 00:24:09.000 is just to have boundaries and your own boundaries 00:24:09.000 --> 00:24:11.700 and to keep those boundaries. But so often the 00:24:11.700 --> 00:24:14.759 conflicts that occur you know, families and in 00:24:14.759 --> 00:24:17.079 the church, they would be resolved by actually 00:24:17.079 --> 00:24:21.680 connecting, drawing near, moving towards those 00:24:21.680 --> 00:24:24.299 that we have conflict with rather than pulling 00:24:24.299 --> 00:24:27.559 away, because pulling away exacerbates what's 00:24:27.559 --> 00:24:30.400 going on. The third thing is this, the scene 00:24:30.400 --> 00:24:35.559 of overreacting. Eventually, Absalom burns down 00:24:35.559 --> 00:24:38.640 a field in order to get an audience with his 00:24:38.640 --> 00:24:40.980 dad. At least Olly's not really at that point 00:24:40.980 --> 00:24:45.109 yet where she's burning down fields. to connect 00:24:45.109 --> 00:24:47.970 with me. I guess maybe that's coming in five 00:24:47.970 --> 00:24:50.450 -year -old girls. I don't know what five -year 00:24:50.450 --> 00:24:53.450 -old girls are like. And so David and Absalom, 00:24:53.789 --> 00:24:56.210 they reconcile, right? And there's lots of famous 00:24:56.210 --> 00:24:59.369 pieces of art about this whole saga. And here's 00:24:59.369 --> 00:25:03.369 one from Rembrandt of the reconciliation of David 00:25:03.369 --> 00:25:07.230 and Absalom. Now, doesn't it look nice? Doesn't 00:25:07.230 --> 00:25:12.430 it look genuine? Not the painting, but the reconciliation. 00:25:13.900 --> 00:25:17.259 But it can't be genuine if you read the text, 00:25:17.380 --> 00:25:19.900 this is this cannot be a genuine reconciliation 00:25:19.900 --> 00:25:23.180 Because immediately after David kind of ticks 00:25:23.180 --> 00:25:27.700 him off like you back Absalom immediately begins 00:25:27.700 --> 00:25:33.180 to systemically and openly and publicly Undermine 00:25:33.180 --> 00:25:35.759 the King's authority and win the hearts of the 00:25:35.759 --> 00:25:38.579 people to himself and he's doing this by the 00:25:38.579 --> 00:25:41.299 gates He's saying, oh, well, you know, if only 00:25:41.299 --> 00:25:42.759 you had a king who would truly listen to you. 00:25:42.779 --> 00:25:46.180 If only I was king because I really get you and 00:25:46.180 --> 00:25:48.400 I would really listen to you. And he does this 00:25:48.400 --> 00:25:50.579 for four years, right? When people were going 00:25:50.579 --> 00:25:53.900 to meet the king, he steps in and goes, oh, gee, 00:25:53.940 --> 00:25:56.220 wouldn't it be good if you had a good king? You 00:25:56.220 --> 00:25:58.279 know, if only there was an heir who was really 00:25:58.279 --> 00:26:01.500 like a really good people person, you know, he 00:26:01.500 --> 00:26:03.279 does this for four years. There's no way that 00:26:03.279 --> 00:26:06.960 David doesn't know this is going on. But again, 00:26:07.160 --> 00:26:13.079 David does. Nothing. And after four years, Absalom 00:26:13.079 --> 00:26:15.299 goes to Hebron, which is the place that David 00:26:15.299 --> 00:26:18.960 was crowned king, with David's permission, for 00:26:18.960 --> 00:26:22.339 miscellaneous reasons, and instead he has himself 00:26:22.339 --> 00:26:26.140 crowned king of Israel. So how does David respond 00:26:26.140 --> 00:26:28.759 to this, right? Your son has just gone and announced 00:26:28.759 --> 00:26:31.960 that he's the king. This is what it says in 2 00:26:31.960 --> 00:26:36.359 Samuel 15. A messenger arrived in Jerusalem to 00:26:36.359 --> 00:26:38.839 tell David, If all Israel has joined Absalom 00:26:38.839 --> 00:26:42.259 in a conspiracy against you, then we must flee 00:26:42.259 --> 00:26:45.299 at once or it will be too late. David urges them. 00:26:45.319 --> 00:26:47.339 Hurry, if we get out of the city before Absalom 00:26:47.339 --> 00:26:49.019 arrives, both we and the city of Jerusalem will 00:26:49.019 --> 00:26:53.200 be spared from disaster. Okay, but is that the 00:26:53.200 --> 00:26:56.500 truth? Because objectively, that's not the truth. 00:26:57.039 --> 00:27:00.779 Absalom only has 200 men with him and the text 00:27:00.779 --> 00:27:04.160 says that those 200 men knew nothing of his plan 00:27:04.160 --> 00:27:09.559 to crown himself king. And if there's a conspiracy 00:27:09.559 --> 00:27:11.740 that's growing against David, sure, he might 00:27:11.740 --> 00:27:14.220 be gaining some steam, but it could be swiftly 00:27:14.220 --> 00:27:17.940 dealt with by King David, who's a military genius, 00:27:18.160 --> 00:27:21.920 right? And the resources of the capital of Jerusalem. 00:27:23.519 --> 00:27:27.880 But David's not acting objectively. David is 00:27:27.880 --> 00:27:32.039 acting emotionally and anxiously and reactively. 00:27:32.859 --> 00:27:36.019 He knows that his son's been systematically undermining 00:27:36.019 --> 00:27:39.900 him for four years. and he's too quick to believe 00:27:39.900 --> 00:27:43.099 that Absalom has raised up the entirety of Israel 00:27:43.099 --> 00:27:49.839 against him and Absalom does do this but only 00:27:49.839 --> 00:27:54.619 because in this moment David overreacts and just 00:27:54.619 --> 00:27:57.900 abandons ship effectively handing the throne 00:27:57.900 --> 00:28:00.779 and all of the army over to Absalom right so 00:28:00.779 --> 00:28:02.960 he has raised up all of Israel against him because 00:28:02.960 --> 00:28:06.559 David's left all of Israel for Absalom to lead 00:28:08.750 --> 00:28:11.490 It seems like David, this brilliant strategist 00:28:11.490 --> 00:28:14.289 and warrior, this wise and God -honouring king, 00:28:14.410 --> 00:28:17.089 he's just useless whenever it comes to his family. 00:28:17.730 --> 00:28:20.869 He's just asleep at the wheel. He's emotionally 00:28:20.869 --> 00:28:24.309 paralysed to do anything. He just goes up to 00:28:24.309 --> 00:28:26.470 the Mount of Olives and just mourns and weeps. 00:28:28.130 --> 00:28:30.630 For four years, David's been telling himself 00:28:30.630 --> 00:28:33.529 a story about Absalom, that he wants his throne, 00:28:34.609 --> 00:28:37.190 that the hearts of the people are with Absalom 00:28:37.190 --> 00:28:40.019 and not with himself. And so the moment that 00:28:40.019 --> 00:28:43.920 there's even a hint that this story could be 00:28:43.920 --> 00:28:49.599 true, David just overreacts and flees. But if 00:28:49.599 --> 00:28:53.380 he could have kept his head and kept calm and 00:28:53.380 --> 00:28:56.140 like investigated the situation objectively, 00:28:56.819 --> 00:29:01.380 and all could have differently, again, Absalom 00:29:01.380 --> 00:29:05.140 might have lived. But here's the problem, right? 00:29:05.480 --> 00:29:08.980 It's so hard to take a step back and ask some 00:29:08.980 --> 00:29:11.220 questions and investigate objectively when it 00:29:11.220 --> 00:29:14.339 comes to our families. And that's because we 00:29:14.339 --> 00:29:18.119 are so, we can be so emotionally intertwined 00:29:18.119 --> 00:29:20.660 with them. When we look at our kids, if you've 00:29:20.660 --> 00:29:22.460 got kids, we don't look at them objectively as 00:29:22.460 --> 00:29:24.359 like little adults that we have in training. 00:29:25.039 --> 00:29:26.980 We look at them and we see all our hopes and 00:29:26.980 --> 00:29:29.039 dreams for them, everything we've sacrificed, 00:29:29.119 --> 00:29:32.059 what they mean to us. We look at what our kids 00:29:32.059 --> 00:29:33.940 reflect about us, which isn't always very nice. 00:29:34.539 --> 00:29:37.619 When we look at our parents, It's hard to look 00:29:37.619 --> 00:29:40.420 at them objectively as flawed human beings who 00:29:40.420 --> 00:29:43.119 generally speaking were doing the best, their 00:29:43.119 --> 00:29:46.299 version of the best with what they had, even 00:29:46.299 --> 00:29:49.980 if we might disagree on some definitions or motivations, 00:29:50.200 --> 00:29:52.940 right? We look at them and we see our family 00:29:52.940 --> 00:29:55.240 stories, all the good things that they created 00:29:55.240 --> 00:29:57.079 in us, the inheritance of grace that Ash was 00:29:57.079 --> 00:29:59.579 talking about, and all the dysfunction that's 00:29:59.579 --> 00:30:02.279 been passed down to us, all the inheritance of 00:30:02.279 --> 00:30:04.420 brokenness. Don't worry, I've passed dysfunction 00:30:04.420 --> 00:30:09.410 down to my children. It's hard to get like an 00:30:09.410 --> 00:30:11.849 objective emotional autonomy when it comes to 00:30:11.849 --> 00:30:15.750 our families. We can just be so intertwined with 00:30:15.750 --> 00:30:18.950 them emotionally that we react towards them in 00:30:18.950 --> 00:30:21.529 ways we wouldn't react anywhere else or to anyone 00:30:21.529 --> 00:30:24.950 else. And that's because things that come from 00:30:24.950 --> 00:30:27.470 your family, they carry far more baggage, far 00:30:27.470 --> 00:30:31.029 more complexity and weight than they do from 00:30:31.029 --> 00:30:33.549 anyone else. Judah was playing at the square 00:30:33.549 --> 00:30:36.089 on Friday with some of his friends from school 00:30:36.089 --> 00:30:38.470 on those big wavy chairs that go like that. I 00:30:38.470 --> 00:30:39.910 don't know if you've been to the square and you've 00:30:39.910 --> 00:30:42.309 seen them. And they're great to climb over and 00:30:42.309 --> 00:30:46.069 play chase you on. And there was a couple there 00:30:46.069 --> 00:30:48.250 and they were doing this fairly close to people 00:30:48.250 --> 00:30:51.289 who were sitting down because kids aren't super 00:30:51.289 --> 00:30:54.569 aware of their bodies. And an older couple who 00:30:54.569 --> 00:30:58.509 were trying to relax got very upset with me and 00:30:58.509 --> 00:31:01.440 the other parents. and eventually told us that 00:31:01.440 --> 00:31:04.539 we needed to learn how to be a parent and that 00:31:04.539 --> 00:31:06.279 parents like us were the reason where the world 00:31:06.279 --> 00:31:10.119 was is what it is today. And now, look, I could 00:31:10.119 --> 00:31:12.220 have handled that whole situation a lot better. 00:31:13.700 --> 00:31:15.640 And sure, there's a small part of what they were 00:31:15.640 --> 00:31:17.440 trying to communicate in their aggressiveness. 00:31:18.660 --> 00:31:21.240 That was true. Our kids should have been a bit 00:31:21.240 --> 00:31:24.460 more conscious of where other people were, right? 00:31:24.460 --> 00:31:27.339 A bit more conscious of others. But I don't really 00:31:27.339 --> 00:31:30.319 care what some random... who, based on their 00:31:30.319 --> 00:31:32.819 response, probably hasn't been around children 00:31:32.819 --> 00:31:36.539 very much, thinks about my parenting, right? 00:31:36.539 --> 00:31:41.019 I don't care. So I didn't overreact. I just said, 00:31:41.160 --> 00:31:45.279 sorry, have a nice day. But imagine if someone 00:31:45.279 --> 00:31:49.759 in my family said that to me, right? Whoa. I 00:31:49.759 --> 00:31:51.900 mean, that could be just as wrong, but the fact 00:31:51.900 --> 00:31:56.180 that it's family adds weight and hurt. I'd be 00:31:56.180 --> 00:31:58.980 far more likely to overreact and return serve 00:31:58.980 --> 00:32:01.519 if it was someone in my family who said that 00:32:01.519 --> 00:32:06.200 than just some random at the square. David wouldn't 00:32:06.200 --> 00:32:10.359 have thought twice about swiftly dealing with 00:32:10.359 --> 00:32:13.420 an upstart who's declared themselves king if 00:32:13.420 --> 00:32:17.440 it had been some random. But it's his son and 00:32:17.440 --> 00:32:21.059 his heir. It's who Absalom is to David that causes 00:32:21.059 --> 00:32:24.519 him to overreact. And the fact that David overreacts 00:32:24.519 --> 00:32:27.039 actually perpetuates the situation, because he 00:32:27.039 --> 00:32:28.940 can't get enough emotional distance from the 00:32:28.940 --> 00:32:32.059 fact his son's trying to attempt a coup to make 00:32:32.059 --> 00:32:37.480 a rational decision. And when we overreact to 00:32:37.480 --> 00:32:40.099 things that happen in the church or in our families, 00:32:40.759 --> 00:32:45.319 we very often make things worse. But if we can 00:32:45.319 --> 00:32:49.539 keep calm, detangle ourselves as much as we can 00:32:49.539 --> 00:32:52.019 emotionally from what's going on, try to get 00:32:52.019 --> 00:32:55.440 a bit added a bit objectively friends we can 00:32:55.440 --> 00:32:57.940 respond to anything in a way that could bring 00:32:57.940 --> 00:33:02.599 life into a situation instead of overreacting 00:33:02.599 --> 00:33:07.039 try to get objective see we find three ways that 00:33:07.039 --> 00:33:10.319 David fails to love his family in this saga the 00:33:10.319 --> 00:33:13.460 sin of doing nothing the sin of pulling away 00:33:13.460 --> 00:33:15.500 and the sin of overreacting and there's three 00:33:15.500 --> 00:33:17.019 things that David could have done differently 00:33:17.019 --> 00:33:19.920 to love his family to hold them accountable to 00:33:19.920 --> 00:33:22.450 draw near to them and to try to get objective. 00:33:23.730 --> 00:33:26.730 And what do we do with all of this? Well, Dr. 00:33:26.829 --> 00:33:29.630 Henry Cloud has this great line, no awareness, 00:33:29.670 --> 00:33:33.430 no choice. Meaning if you're not aware that these 00:33:33.430 --> 00:33:35.670 dynamics are at play, how could you choose to 00:33:35.670 --> 00:33:38.650 hope, hope to choose a better way? How could 00:33:38.650 --> 00:33:40.769 we hope to love our families regardless of how 00:33:40.769 --> 00:33:43.970 complex they are? But if we can build awareness, 00:33:44.750 --> 00:33:46.950 then slowly but surely we can make intentional 00:33:46.950 --> 00:33:50.430 choices that better help us to love our families. 00:33:50.759 --> 00:33:53.839 Because he is at the heart of David's failure 00:33:53.839 --> 00:33:57.259 to love his family. He doesn't take responsibility 00:33:57.259 --> 00:34:01.460 for the part that he's played in all of this. 00:34:01.799 --> 00:34:04.519 Doing nothing, pulling away, overreacting. All 00:34:04.519 --> 00:34:07.200 of what he does is responding to what other people 00:34:07.200 --> 00:34:09.440 are doing. Not once does he take responsibility 00:34:09.440 --> 00:34:14.079 for how he will respond. You see friends, in 00:34:14.079 --> 00:34:18.219 our life, all we can do as people is control 00:34:18.219 --> 00:34:21.780 the controllables. In anything that comes at 00:34:21.780 --> 00:34:25.760 you in life, from randoms at Henley Square to 00:34:25.760 --> 00:34:28.639 your own family, you can't control what anyone 00:34:28.639 --> 00:34:35.000 else does. David, even though he's King, can't 00:34:35.000 --> 00:34:37.579 really control the behaviour and the actions 00:34:37.579 --> 00:34:42.059 of his sons, Amnon and Absalom, but he can control 00:34:42.059 --> 00:34:47.139 himself. And we can control how we act, how we 00:34:47.139 --> 00:34:50.710 respond to the actions of others. That we will 00:34:50.710 --> 00:34:53.309 be people who hold people to account around us. 00:34:53.530 --> 00:34:55.150 That there's some things around us that we will 00:34:55.150 --> 00:34:59.389 not accept or tolerate. That we will be people 00:34:59.389 --> 00:35:02.110 who draw near to people in those times when we 00:35:02.110 --> 00:35:05.250 feel like pulling away. That we'll be people 00:35:05.250 --> 00:35:07.809 who try to get objective, look at things objectively, 00:35:08.469 --> 00:35:14.469 when all we want to do is overreact. In this 00:35:14.469 --> 00:35:17.530 church and in your family, you are not in control 00:35:17.530 --> 00:35:21.239 of what anyone else does. and no one else is 00:35:21.239 --> 00:35:25.639 responsible for or can control what you do. But 00:35:25.639 --> 00:35:28.900 you are in control of what you do. You are not 00:35:28.900 --> 00:35:32.340 responsible for other people, but you're responsible 00:35:32.340 --> 00:35:35.639 for how you respond to them. And this is at the 00:35:35.639 --> 00:35:38.159 heart of how we love our complex families, friends. 00:35:40.000 --> 00:35:42.360 We do what Jesus tells us to do when he says, 00:35:42.679 --> 00:35:45.860 take the log out of your own eye before you deal 00:35:45.860 --> 00:35:47.820 with the speck in your brother or your sisters. 00:35:48.840 --> 00:35:53.340 We take responsibility for ourselves first. So 00:35:53.340 --> 00:35:55.099 the best thing you can do to love your family 00:35:55.099 --> 00:35:58.500 is to take responsibility for yourself. Regardless 00:35:58.500 --> 00:36:03.900 of how anyone else behaves, regardless of what 00:36:03.900 --> 00:36:06.340 they're doing, this is how I'm going to act. 00:36:06.800 --> 00:36:09.980 This is how I'm going to behave. Regardless of 00:36:09.980 --> 00:36:11.920 what everybody else is saying is cool and laughing 00:36:11.920 --> 00:36:14.539 about and accepting, this is what I will accept 00:36:14.539 --> 00:36:19.139 around me. And this is what I won't accept. in 00:36:19.139 --> 00:36:23.320 your family and in your church, this is how you 00:36:23.320 --> 00:36:25.900 love. This is how you show love. And it doesn't 00:36:25.900 --> 00:36:30.079 sound very sexy. I get that, right? It's hard 00:36:30.079 --> 00:36:34.440 and it's often personally painful, but it's love 00:36:34.440 --> 00:36:37.539 as described by scripture. For those of us did 00:36:37.539 --> 00:36:42.599 Word Week, we read 1 John 4, verse 10. This is 00:36:42.599 --> 00:36:47.360 real love. Not that we loved God, but that He 00:36:47.360 --> 00:36:50.420 loved us. and send his son as a sacrifice to 00:36:50.420 --> 00:36:54.539 take away our sins. This is the scripture's definition 00:36:54.539 --> 00:36:58.880 of love. Jesus dying on a cross for the good 00:36:58.880 --> 00:37:04.579 of those who don't love him. Here's a Tim translation 00:37:04.579 --> 00:37:08.099 of the principle for you. Love is an active choice 00:37:08.099 --> 00:37:12.099 to put the good of the other above your own good, 00:37:12.639 --> 00:37:16.900 regardless of what the other person does. This 00:37:16.900 --> 00:37:20.639 is what Jesus does. And this is what David does 00:37:20.639 --> 00:37:23.780 not. David wants to die in the place of his son 00:37:23.780 --> 00:37:28.420 Absalom, but Jesus, the other son of David, dies 00:37:28.420 --> 00:37:32.980 in the place of all of us. Jesus does not rebel 00:37:32.980 --> 00:37:36.440 against his father, but he takes responsibility 00:37:36.440 --> 00:37:39.840 for what he will do. He drinks the cup of suffering, 00:37:40.679 --> 00:37:42.440 submits to the will of his father in heaven. 00:37:43.860 --> 00:37:47.639 Jesus who like Absalom is hung from a tree. pierced 00:37:47.639 --> 00:37:50.980 in the side with a spear, buried in a tomb of 00:37:50.980 --> 00:37:56.199 rocks. But very unlike Absalom, Jesus dies not 00:37:56.199 --> 00:38:00.159 for his own rebellion, but to forgive the rebellion 00:38:00.159 --> 00:38:05.579 of his people. In love, Jesus makes an intentional 00:38:05.579 --> 00:38:11.340 choice to act for our ultimate good, regardless 00:38:11.340 --> 00:38:14.719 of whether or not we reciprocate that. Even just 00:38:14.719 --> 00:38:18.239 to give us the opportunity To be reconciled to 00:38:18.239 --> 00:38:22.320 God the Father again. See, we are God's children. 00:38:22.340 --> 00:38:26.260 We are His complex family. And this is how we 00:38:26.260 --> 00:38:30.699 have been loved. God through the Spirit gives 00:38:30.699 --> 00:38:34.199 us inner resources, right, to go and do the same. 00:38:34.800 --> 00:38:37.639 To no longer walk by the flesh, but to walk by 00:38:37.639 --> 00:38:41.219 the Spirit. To make active choices to put the 00:38:41.219 --> 00:38:43.760 good of others, even our complex families, above 00:38:43.760 --> 00:38:46.679 our own good, regardless if they ever... pay, 00:38:46.940 --> 00:38:52.139 repay the favour. This is love, not that we loved 00:38:52.139 --> 00:38:56.940 God, but that He loved us and sent His Son as 00:38:56.940 --> 00:39:01.559 a sacrifice to take away our sins. Even our failures 00:39:01.559 --> 00:39:05.860 to love our own families. What good news is this, 00:39:06.280 --> 00:39:10.340 friends? That God's grace is sufficient for you 00:39:10.340 --> 00:39:14.860 and for me. Even though like David we fail, time 00:39:14.860 --> 00:39:17.139 after time to love our families, to love our 00:39:17.139 --> 00:39:20.920 church, the people in our church. We have been 00:39:20.920 --> 00:39:25.440 loved by God with so deep and wide and high a 00:39:25.440 --> 00:39:30.440 love. And it empowers us to fail forward, to 00:39:30.440 --> 00:39:33.739 keep going, to keep growing, to move forward, 00:39:33.860 --> 00:39:36.139 to become people of love in the way of Jesus. 00:39:36.980 --> 00:39:40.199 Women and men and children whose lives day by 00:39:40.199 --> 00:39:43.269 day are being more and more soaked by the fruit 00:39:43.269 --> 00:39:47.590 of the Spirit. Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, 00:39:47.909 --> 00:39:52.449 goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self -control. 00:39:54.030 --> 00:39:56.610 Friends, thanks be to God that by the grace of 00:39:56.610 --> 00:39:59.130 Jesus all our debts have been cleared and we 00:39:59.130 --> 00:40:05.210 have been forgiven. Thanks so much for tuning 00:40:05.210 --> 00:40:08.210 into this week's message. If you felt challenged 00:40:08.210 --> 00:40:10.889 or need prayer, would love to hear from you on 00:40:10.889 --> 00:40:14.329 Instagram at encounterhenley or if you're interested 00:40:14.329 --> 00:40:17.110 in how you can support this ministry please go 00:40:17.110 --> 00:40:21.909 to our website encounteradelaide .com .au Thanks 00:40:21.909 --> 00:40:23.929 again for listening. God bless you.