Have you ever looked successful on the outside,
but inside you feel like you cannot exhale? So
I just finished recording with a Daku and Bobby
and I'm telling you straight this one is for
the people who carry Everybody the fixers the
responsible ones the ones who are always Fine,
right? I'm gonna tell you what what really got
me. We were talking about to Mexico her day -to
-day and she casually says She's been working
four to six hours a week for almost three years
on purpose. And it's not because she's lazy.
It's because she's been working since she has
been eight years old and her system needs to
calm down. That right there told me what this
whole episode really is all about. And it's not
about doing more. It's about breaking the pattern
that keeps you performing while you're empty.
So you're going to hear her. explain why firstborn
daughters and high performers learn to earn love
through sacrifice. You're going to hear her break
down triggers and way that puts the power back
into your hands. And you're going to get a simple
boundary check you can use immediately. So do
I actually have the capacity to give right now?
You should ask yourself. And if the answer is
no, the boundary is no. Right? So do me a favor.
Write this down or answer it in your head. Where
in your life are you giving on YouTube? What's
up, fam? Before we get into this conversation,
let me say this. Look, I know it's a thing, right?
But if what we do here on this channel speaks
to you, if it lifts you, centers you, or helps
you see your life a little clearer, I invite
you to like the video and subscribe so you stay
connected. And if you want these conversations
with you beyond YouTube, download the Travel
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It is a small ass that goes a long way and it
really truly helps us create the kind of content
that doesn't just entertain but actually supports
your journey of growth and alignment. So hit
that like, subscribe, let's breathe in, get present.
step into the conversation. Welcome to another
episode of The Thravo Journey. I am thoroughly
excited for our guest today and you know it's
just it's exciting to have you on and I just
wanted to say thank you for being here Adaku
and just welcome to Thravo Journey and how are
you doing today? I am wonderful thank you thanks
for having me it's a pleasure to be on I look
forward to our conversation. Yeah, you know,
when Yvonne, she's the producer here, when she
basically went through your story and everything
and shared it with me, I was like, oh my God,
I'm so excited to have you on. And I know we
were supposed to do it maybe last year or something
like that, and some things changed, but it works
perfectly for where we are now. It really falls
right in line. I know that people that you work
with are what you call high achievers. like first
born daughters right is that correct yeah yeah
so that's cool so but just so that you know we
could just kind of get to the present day and
the audience feels like who you are now um where
are you where are you calling from i actually
live in tulum mexico right now oh that's that's
cool okay so what is it a normal day like you
day like for you It kind of ebbs and flows so
for the last two and a half almost three years
I've actually not really worked. I've been working
four to six hours a week intentionally to just
kind of calm down because I've been very much
working since the age of eight years old so I
gave myself that time off and then towards the
end of last year I wanted to get back into work
but then I had a surgery which is why we couldn't
have the conversation. Doctors didn't prepare
me for how long the recovery was going to be
and it was pretty tough. So now, so before...
post me getting back into work my life was kind
of like I wake up what do I want to do go to
the gym go to the beach come back cook some food
it was just very kind of fluid and Tulum is that
way it's a spiritual community so it's very go
with the flow like follow your heart what you
feel called to so yeah I've been in that life
for a while but I'm actually moving to Dubai
in April because I'm ready to build so that's
awesome energy so yeah each day looks different
I love that. I think that is a great way to live,
first and foremost. I had that kind of life for
a moment, and then somewhere I just kind of got
out of it. But I'm looking to get back there
now. My sister, one of my sisters, she's moving
to Thailand in September, her and her husband
are building a house out there. And she was like,
you need to come out. I was like, yes, I will
do that. Because what you just described is kind
of what I want to have for my life for at least
for a few months, you know? This is a good thing.
But I started off in a conversation where I said
you deal with high performers, first daughters.
Why is that? Why first daughters or why high
performers or why both? Why both? Okay. So I
am a first born daughter. I, my career after
I graduated was in recruitment into the healthcare
industry. I worked for a corporate boutique and
then a startup before I started my own business.
And by year four of my business, I was doing
well, but I was a little bit like, I don't like
this business. I don't want to do it. So not
good. And then everyone was like, you should
be a coach. You should be a coach. And I was
like, I'll just stop because firstly, I've been
taking care of people all of my life and now
you want me to go and find strangers to take
care of? Why would I do that? And then secondly,
the coaching market, everyone was calling themselves
a coach. So it had this kind of used car salesman
type reputation. I was like, why would I want
to associate myself with that? So I resisted
it for a long time. And then in 2016, I eventually
kind of gave into it and started thinking, OK,
well, maybe everything I've gone through was
impacted, kind of drift on what you said in terms
of how our experiences lead to our purpose. Maybe
I went through that to help other people that
are where I was at the depth of my despair to
come through. And when I started working with
people, I started realizing I have a gift for
it, but my gift is very... Intense is a nice
way to put it. It's very cut through. So one
of my clients described it as working with you
is like being guided to the edge of a cliff and
being told, trust me, just before I'm pushed
off. And then halfway down, I realized I can
fly, which sounds crazy and intense. But the
reason for high performers is because entrepreneurs
and executives, they used to be in high stress
environments and they are kind of trained to
perform in that. So I started off working with
everyone and I found that the people who really
loved the fact that my work passed straight through
gives you an action, you go take it. whether
high performers, whether it's athletes, whether
it's executives, entrepreneurs, they were like,
oh my gosh, this is a breath of fresh air. I'm
not wasting my time. I can do this. Whereas everyone
else was like, oh my gosh, this is too much.
So I niched onto high performance because I saw
that those were who were resonating with my work.
And then in terms of first born daughters, a
year and a half ago, I had niched to working
with female entrepreneurs. and executives and
I didn't know that every single one of my client
was a firstborn daughter until in one week both
of them asked for coaching on their dynamic with
their firstborn daughter and I was like hold
on you're asking me to work help you work through
things that you've had to resolve with your parents
so you're repeating the pattern and I said oh
my gosh I had the same dynamic with my mum and
then I stepped back and I was like Every single
one of my female clients are firstborn daughters.
There's something here. And I googled and I saw
that there was official research that started
to come out on the eldest daughter syndrome,
which will make a lot of firstborn daughters
count themselves out. But whether you're an only
girl child, a youngest girl of older brothers,
you can kind of see yourself in the findings
that they're finding out. And I was like, OK,
well, maybe I've been training to do something
about breaking this generational pattern that
seems to follow the firstborn every time they
they come into the world so that's yeah it's
firstborn adults you know what there's a couple
things there one um i do uh i wasn't i was an
acting coach because that was my world entertainment
uh tv acting in front of the camera also did
producing all that concept as well um and then
i shipped it into people like you know was always
offering advice and then I went through a whole
bunch of stuff which is you know, my purpose
after disruption, right and I think what makes
Along with maybe certifications or not or whatever
what I think what makes a coach a powerful coach
is Going through what they went through them
on the other side and then been able to see where
their clients are or you know possible clients
are and be able to guide them through with what
they're going through and like a person in your
situation is probably a perfect person for the
people that are attracted to you. And that could
be, you know, like your superpower, right? I
agree. And I think I do think so a lot of people
would kind of say, Oh, what are what are your
qualifications? I'm like the school of life.
that they've had therapy for 25 years and what
they were able to achieve with me in a couple
of months they weren't able to even kind of shift
the penny on and I think it's because they there's
only so much that they can tell me that they
can get away with because I'm like yes, this
is how you felt, right? And this is what you
felt you wanted to do, right? And this is how
you got stopped, right? So it's like, they're
like, yeah, yeah, yeah. So there's nowhere to
hide from there. So it's like, okay, are you
gonna stay here or are we gonna move forward
now? And they're like, I guess we're gonna move
forward, you know? So being able to know that
I see them and I feel them in terms of I've been
there, done that, like from whatever level of
I've had the suicide attempts, I've had the breakdowns,
I've had... this like whatever it is I've probably
experienced it so it allows me to coach from
a relatable place rather than kind of regurgitating
formulas and models. Not to say that anything
goes wrong with that but I do feel that it allows
people to put their guards down a lot quicker
when they know that they're seen. Yeah it's a
lived experience I think that really helps people
relate to you know you know, people as a coach,
when they go, when they apply with their lived
experiences, because there's some, you know,
understanding, there's a little empathy there.
But there's also that coaching to get, you know,
somebody through to the other side. And you talked
about first, first born daughters, is that like
a personality type? Or is that like an identity
imprint? What is that? It can be both. It's the
birth order as on the basic level, it's the first
girl that's born to two people, a man and a woman.
And I don't know, I haven't figured out exactly
what causes it yet, but there seems to be this
pressure and expectation that's put on that first
born. a lot of them, not all of them, have this
sense of responsibility for their parents, whether
it's to provide support in terms of caring for
their siblings or to support their parents emotionally.
There's this pressure of being perfect and...
kind of achieving, being a high achiever, being
the good girl, being the apple of a parent's
eye. So all of these things have, it does cultivate
this kind of personality, you ask. A lot of first
born daughters are usually right, so they feel
right most of the time. So it's kind of like
a, I told you so, I told you so, because they're
so used to anticipating things and thinking about
other and that's another trait. They tend to
be hyper vigilant, so they can sense what's going
on with people and kind of anticipating. and
show up to resolve problems which makes them
good problem solvers. A lot of them tend to be
extremely caring which is a good trait until
it flips into self -sacrificial caring where
they're operating from deficit and that's when
they become resentful, a lot of them. So there
are certain traits that first born daughters
pick up that on to an extent can be amazing traits
and get them far but then there comes this kind
of tipping point where it starts to cause them
pain and it affects their business or their career,
it affects their relationships, it affects their
self -care and their mental and physical health
so and that's where I come in to say you're great
and everyone that has you in their lives is lucky
and we've got to look at what's not working and
rewrite some of those programs. Yeah, as about
when I was doing research I could see that Like
it said that you're like anti and ambitious,
but you're pro peace, right? That's what it felt
like at least Do you I mean is that a thing for
you? Like do you believe that being ambitious
and peace can happen at the same time? Yes. Yes,
so a lot of If we're speaking So maybe this might
not only apply to firstborn daughters. Firstborn
daughters have a fundamental kind of belief that
I've seen across them that they need to earn
success and they need to earn love. So in relationships,
they go into this kind of proving their value
phase. In the work, they prove their value. So
that's why they're usually teetering on the edge
of burnout. Some of them are numb to it. But
a lot of successful people or ambitious people
think that rest doesn't go hand -in -hand with
success. I disagree. So a lot of the times, the
clients that I work with, one of my clients,
she 5xed her business in eight months and was
working less hours. One of the other clients,
she came to me as an exec, a VP of a large corporate
bank. She was earning 350 ,000 a year. Within
three months of working with me, she secured
a role as an MD, 800 ,000 a year. And she was
able to... manage her team in a way that she
had freedom to be at home or with her kids and
have flexibility of working. So it's a myth.
And especially also, we're both black people
in this, in our culture, there's this like, you
have to work harder than everyone else. And these
kind of beliefs get baked into our psyche. So
we think that that's the only way. And we haven't
figured out how to kind of work smart or build
ecosystems of support that alleviate the pressure
so that we can actually focus on being creative
and strategic and working on the business, which
is you get to kind of focus on the things you
love and find people to focus on the things that
you don't love that they love. And yeah, it doesn't
need to be stressful and cost you your mental
health. This is our first time talking but you
I had a Interview with someone named dr. Jacqueline
Campbell She she's a coach as well and it's so
funny because like your energy is like similar
to hers very you know, just just relaxed and
present and but you can tell that like you have
Like there's a lot that happens in your life
without you having to do too much work. That's
what it feels like. And I have a friend named
Tony. She was on like in our first season, but
she has that same energy. And she does like she
lives like like you in a way, but she's in South
America. And I think there's there's something
there. There's there's a power there. What would
you say? I like I know you don't know them, but
what would you say? Say that that is. So I don't
know them. So I can't, I think everyone can get
there in different ways. There's multiple paths
to the same destination. For me, one of the things
I've been grateful for, that my mom, regardless
of all the issues that we had, she introduced
me to meditation when I was eight years old.
And she would always kind of say things like,
because we suffered a lot. It was like, no food
for days, no electricity, no gas. And she would
say, this is all an illusion and your access
to God is within. And anytime you want something,
have a personal relationship with him. And we
would have quiet days every Sunday where we weren't
allowed to talk to each other until 12 o 'clock
and we'd break it with meditation. So that was
our prayer. And what that cultivated, because
I was a child, I believed it. And I would like
close my eyes and say, God, this is what I want.
So when I was growing up in an area where people
were drug addicts and drug dealers, and my friends
were getting pregnant early with their drug dealer
boyfriends. And I was like, I don't want to choose
this, you know? And that's a privilege that I
can see in hindsight because... if you're surrounded
by things and that's your reality, it's easy
to believe that that's the only way. But I didn't
have examples, but I had the ability to kind
of turn within. So that kind of got me through
and put me in places where I could see that what
I was feeling was possible. And then the more
I did that, the more I created and I ended up
in Mexico. So I think there is something about
also There's a beauty in breaking down. So I've
got to my rock bottom. I wanted to take my life.
I wanted to kill myself. I've lived in my car
for two weeks. From there, there's really nothing
that I can be afraid of or scared of or worried
about. So based on having the privilege to experience
those steps, it's given me this freedom that
regardless of what happens, I'll be okay. You
know, and so there's that sense of me and my
God and my personal relationship. I just need
to trust that whatever I want to create, I've
got to turn within and I've got to be present.
And then also, I'm not really scared of breaking
down. There are moments where I have attachments,
but I've got so much evidence of being able to
make it through that I trust in myself. So it
doesn't really matter what is happening externally
to me. I've proven to myself time and time again
that I have the resources and the capability.
to get myself out. So I think that creates a
level of peace. So I think it's a number of things.
The constant self -work and being able to grow,
the meditation as a foundation that still follows
me through, allows me to have a little bit, I'm
less reactive to the places my mind wants to
drag me, which is what really creates the stress
and this need to. Feel busy because a lot of
people are doing a lot of things but they're
running in one place and they don't realize it
because they're being reactive to what their
head's telling them they have to do rather than
stop in and being intentional and asking themselves
what do I want to create and what's the most
high value action that will move me to that which
calms the mind down. Calms the mind down, nervous
system and other good stuff. So like the things
that are running around in our head is not what's
really happening in reality. Yeah. And you mentioned,
like, I want to kind of go through a little bit
of your origin story. And you were the first
of six children? Seven. Seven. I'm the second,
but I'm the first girl. So I have an older brother.
OK. And you, so basically you, there was, your
dad was. Wealthy at some point, but then he lost
his wealth and then you know life kind of happened
after that So in that moment like what was like
going from like, you know? Being you know having
money and being wealthy and then having to live
in the mindset of survival How did that shift
your identity or did it? I don't think I felt
the impact of the money and no money. I was six
years old, so what I felt the impact of is community
to no community, and dad to no dad. So I was
in Nigeria. My dad was a businessman, so he would
fly on business trips. I didn't see him from
the age of eight to 25, but when I reconnected
with him, he was surprised that I had become
who I'd become because he said I was so fragile
as a child, every time he would have to leave
for work, I grabbed around his neck and I'd cry.
And he was thinking, I just need to find someone
to marry this girl off to, she's so fragile.
And then he meets me at 25 and I'm a business
owner and like super strong. And he was just
like, what happened? But I think there was a
moment in... the UK when I was with my mom in
a hotel and I said to her I'm never gonna see
my dad am I and she said I don't know and I remember
my feeling like my heart broke in that moment
so it was more around where's my grandma where's
my aunties and uncles where so we went from having
so many people around us all the time we had
drivers cooks our aunties and uncles were living
in the house. We had a nanny. So my mom being
by herself in London with me and my siblings,
me, my brother, and my younger sister, and she
was pregnant with my other sister, and no one.
So no dad, no grandparents, no. So that was more
felt than the wealth. But my younger sister,
actually, the one that my mom was pregnant with,
she thinks that I have this ability to make money
and this drive to make money because I... that
that's somehow in my psyche because I did experience
it and I get told all the time that my friends
from my friends that I'm they think I'm bougie
but I have this sense that I grew up in money
which I didn't and I'm like I don't know if it
had I don't know if it had an impact but that's
not my core memories the struggle so Would you
know that what they say like that, you know,
the first, I don't know how many years, five
or whatever, they're the most impressionable
and that maybe what's playing in the subconscious,
at least is what I've heard. I don't know if
it's true or not, but and that's what people
have told you. That's what people have told you.
Yeah, like I get this whole kind of like, oh,
you have this like regal air about you. Did you
come from money? Did you? And I'm like, I guess
technically I do, but I like my Like from six
years old onwards, no money, you know, so I that's
not my conscious experience because the majority
of my life was without it. So, yeah, I'm sure
it had an impact, but not that I can tell. Regal
is a great characteristic of how people describe
you. So, yes, I would say that as well. I used
to be called intimidating. change circles, and
then those people started calling me regal. I
was like, oh, maybe it was the people that was
around. It was the people. The people. Oh, man.
So you're in London now, and I know you talked
about you having to really take care of your
family. And what was that whole experience like
when you just had to basically leave what you
knew and then really starting to take care of
your whole family, even your mom? Yeah, I think
there was just a lot of stress and a lot of chaos
from a really early age. So my mum was a supply
teacher and she didn't have the support around
her to be able to get her education to up level
her studies. So she was able to work when there
was rows and then no work when there wasn't.
So we had this kind of... environment where there
was abundance and scarcity and abundance and
scarcity, food and no food, electric and no electric,
it was just constant. And she, like, when she
didn't have money she would live on credit cards.
Then she met... someone who she ended up dating,
divorced my dad, married him. Three months later,
he became schizophrenic. So her attention went
to him. And I'm like, so we don't have money.
I now have this schizophrenic stepdad in the
house who I as a child, I'm embarrassed because
everyone's pointing and talking about us and
I can hear the neighbors talking while I'm in
my room. And I was thinking, I don't want my
siblings to experience too much. So how can I
protect them? And I pretty much signed off my
childhood. I started babysitting and braiding
hair to kind of make money here and there. And
I would use that money to buy bread and some
like basics so that we can have food and put
some money on the electric. So I became really
responsible really quickly. And unfortunately,
my mom, not fortunately, I love my brothers,
but my mom has kept having more babies. And I'm
like, What is happening? I'm looking after everyone
and you're literally putting babies in my hand
and she'll take me to meditation meetings and
I'd be in the hotel room with my little brother
and I fed him, I've changed him, he's crying.
I'm crying because I can't stop him from crying
because I've done all of the things. So I feel
like I've kind of gone through the whole thing
of being a mother without being a mother. It's
kind of the role that I... took on, but it felt
like I had no choice. So it was just pressure.
It was a pressure cooker all the time. And I
felt like I had to continually, I wanted to sing
and dance and act. And my mum was like, well,
if you do that, then none of your siblings are
going to go to university. So again, for the
sake of my siblings, I decided to go to university
and made my mum pick my course. So my life wasn't
my life. It just felt like I was... a robot designed
to provide for others. I didn't have an identity.
I didn't know who I was when people would ask
me, what are your hobbies? And what are those
even? You know, I don't have time for things
to do. So it was very chaotic, very stressful
all the time. Did you feel like you didn't have
a childhood? I didn't. I didn't. I signed it
away. I was at home. So it's interesting if you
meet my friends from back then, they sound differently
to me because we grew up in the hood. So they
have a different way of speaking and they, you
know, it's like I've always seemed like I'm posh,
but I think the only reason for that is because
I was never at the house, you know, so I was
watching TV and taking care of my siblings. I
wasn't out playing, so I wasn't able to kind
of pick up what was going on, which may have
been a benefit to me in some ways. So, yeah,
I didn't have a childhood. Wow. So, like, I don't
know if this is accurate, but let me know if
it's not. I said that your mother admitted that
she would help nurturing from you because she
feared you'd stop helping. That's accurate. Yeah.
When I fell into depression in my early 20s,
I was so angry with her. I was like... I'm like
this. I'm stressed out because of you. How did
you let me play this role? And I was just wanting
acknowledgement and an apology, and it wasn't
happening. And then I did a program called Landmark,
and I was able to get to forgiveness with her.
And I had this conversation with her where I'm
like, I've been wanting you so badly to be my
mom that I didn't see all the things that you
had to go through. So I just want to acknowledge
that, and I want to apologize and say thank you.
for being who you were because I like who I've
become and I wouldn't have become this way without
the... the circumstances. And I think that freed
her from the guilt. And because I told her I
forgave her, then she apologized. I was like,
you apologize when I don't need it, but thanks.
And then her explanation was, you know, I saw
you as my husband and I was really scared of
nurturing and mothering you because you were
helping me so much. And I felt that if I mothered
you, you would stop helping me. And I really
needed your help, which was like, oh my gosh,
that's like, that's heavy. And I can understand
where she's coming from if I was being compassionate
and empathetic, but I wanted a mom. I think there's
things that I've had to work through and still
working through and feeling unlovable because
I had constant evidence of that where she was
showing my siblings love and nurture, but she
was kind of icing me out. So then I was trying
to be like, maybe I'm not good enough. Maybe
if I do more, then she'll love me. And the love
never came. That push him to try and be... lovable
kind of broke me down. So yeah. Yeah. Well, that's
something we had. Oh, I'm sorry. Was that again?
No, no, no. That was her explanation. That was
her explanation. Yeah. Well, so most of what
we haven't come in, I did landmark in 2009, landmark
education in 2009. And that, you know, for me,
I think one of the things that was dealing, what
I was dealing with, was the loss of my mother
and just just the relationship with my father
and I got that all complete and you know talk
to him and now we're cool and you know he's like
86, 87 or whatever it is and he's like oh you
know we're just good you know we get on the phone
and we just like we're cool which you know makes
me feel good so i understand like you know the
relationship being mended between you and your
mother you know having given all that up and
being able to forgive her and all that good stuff
so that's awesome it's awesome for you too like
i think i'm me and my mom's relationship healed
a year before she died you know and i'm like
how would i have felt being incomplete Like I
got my mom for one year and that was, I don't
want to get emotional, but that was so, it was
special, you know? So I do, when I meet and I
work with a lot of people who don't have relationships
with their parents or there's this strain, there's
something that happens when someone dies where
all of their bad traits die with them. You almost,
it's just like... disappears immediately but
when they're in person you want them to pay and
you want them to apologize and you want them
to and you'll like fight to the death to get
that thing and then when they die you live in
regret you know so it's it's ideal to try and
work through what's coming up for you in relation
to them while they're still here so that you
can actually see them for who they are yeah i
think that's yeah i think that's for me it's
important um i think i I live my life like I
have a family member, my nephew who just irks
me, right? But I have to continually give that
up and be okay with him, have conversations with
him so that we can still have a great relationship
because you never know what will happen and what
can't happen. And I think it's more important
for us to have some kind of relationship where
we're okay and we're good. as opposed to me just
feeling the irked feeling. And that's all about
me, right? No, but it is. I think this is the
thing about growth for anyone that's actually
committed to growth. The only reason we're triggered
is because our mind is creating a story about
whatever is occurring in our reality. So it's
like my nephew irks me. Your nephew's a mirror
that's bringing up something in you that... needs
to be healed because if we were coming from a
perfect, whole and complete place, nothing will
bother us. So I think that relationships that
are triggering are a gift. And a lot of the times
you want to run away from pain. But as soon as
you encounter that same personality dynamic,
you're going to be triggered, which is you losing
power. So the opportunity is to look at what
is it bringing for me and how can I resolve that
and get to a place of wholeness so that whether
it's him or anyone else. It doesn't bother me.
And that's a position of power. But it's easier
said than done. It is. That's the work. That's
where the work comes in. You got to do the work.
So I was listening to, I think it was Tony Robbins,
right? But he was talking about how people put
the onus on somebody like the trigger being outside
of you. But it's not. outside of you. It's inside
of you, right? Like, you don't trigger me. I
trigger me, you know, and what you just said
is, you know, when you're triggered, it's a story
that we're creating in our in our in our minds.
And you said some some more of that. I just forgot.
But I think that is so beautiful. And anybody
less, less hearing this, like, can you just can
you speak that just a little bit more? Because
I think I hear it a lot, where people are like,
that triggered me that triggered me that triggered
me and putting the onus on something outside
of themselves as opposed to bringing it to themselves
and owning that for themselves yeah so um i always
say that emotions are a gift from god to let
us know when we're in and out of alignment to
the truth of who we are. When we're experiencing
high vibrational emotions, whether that's laughter,
joy, love, that's like us operating from perfect
whole and complete. But the mind is designed
to protect us. And the mind is 95 % unconscious,
and 70 % to 80 % of the mind is limit and belief.
So we are trying to anticipate potential danger
so that we can protect ourselves and keep ourselves
safe. But it's overworking and it's overcompensating.
And the challenge is as humans, our consciousness
is wrapped around our mind. So we believe whatever
stories we're making up as true and then we find
evidence for it. And the way that we find evidence
for it, I'm getting technical to break it down,
but there's the part of our mind called the Recticular
Activating System. And that is a part of your
brain that listens to the things that are important
to you and filters out. the world through your
senses to only show you those things. So when
you decide you're going to buy a black Range
Rover, you see black Range Rovers everywhere
because your brain is like, OK, that's what's
important. Let's be intentional about what we're
noticing so that we can we can get that. So in
the same way, if we had experiences in our childhood,
I just I described earlier that my mom not nurturing
me made me feel like I was unlovable. So I've
had to work really hard to notice when I'm ascribing
that someone doesn't love me or someone doesn't
accept me to a situation and really ground myself
to, is that true? Do I truly have evidence or
am I interpreting that action as evidence to
validate it? So every time we are triggered,
It's a warning sign that our defense mechanism,
our brain has found evidence and it's using that
to justify, run your defense mechanism so that
you can protect yourself. And you're using an
outdated, so you're using the defense mechanism
that you created as a child for what happened
in the future, which is why a lot of people stay
stuck. They struggle to achieve the success they
want because if they've been poor all of their
lives, their rectangular activating system says,
oh, we've been poor. So then you only see evidence
of why you can't make it why money is hard to
come by why so you're kind of creating your reality
based on your past and every time you're triggered
it's just validate and see I knew that I'm always
going to be poor see I knew I was unlovable and
it's your job to bring conscious awareness to
it to say I'm triggered the trigger the button
if the button doesn't exist it can't be pressed
so where is the button it's been pressed so let
me look at what is happening in that support
conscious part of me that I'm not aware of and
ask myself, what about that triggered me? What
did I make it mean about me? How was that making
me perceive the situation? How could that potentially
be limiting me? And that's when you start to
take control of your mind and start to transition
out of the pattern that's just on autopilot and
step into creation of what you want to become
and what you want to pull into your life. There's
a power drop right there. I don't I just made
that term up. that's a power drop like um that
right there can you know take somebody from a
mentality of you know I've been poor all my life
and now this evidence keeps showing up like I'm
I'm staying this this realm or I get to shift
from you know this realm to yeah I can be a millionaire
or I can make 100 ,000 or 300 ,000, whatever
it is for that person, just by what you just
shared. I think it's powerful. I have a story
to demonstrate that if it would help to kind
of make it more tangible. Absolutely. So when
I had my business for four years and then I decided
I don't want to do this, I'm leaving, everyone
thought I lost my mind. I was like, I need to
figure out who I am, what I like, and what my
purpose is. So I... decided to close my business
down in 2016 and then within a year I had a lot
of time on my hands and I wasn't used to having
money so I spent it all. So I had a seven figure
business left with like some high six figures
in profit, gone within a year. Traveling, five
star hotel, all gone. Then my mom got sick and
died right after. Then one of my brothers was
in prison, the other one had been in a behavioural
unit for three years, the other one had anger
issues, and I became the legal guardian to them,
had to move in, I was dealing with a chaotic
household, having to resolve it, didn't have
time to work or start a business. And then the
government weren't going to give me assistance
because I had a property and they said, sell
your property and live off your property, which
I didn't want to do, so I didn't have money.
I was at Landmark at the time, and one of the
coaches said to me, what do you think you can
do? And I was like, I don't... I don't really
have time so maybe I can get a job, a part -time
job in a supermarket or something. He said all
of those are limited solutions because I was
coming up with solutions based on my circumstances
I was looking at. I'm high stress, I have no
time and I'm trying to decide within that limitation.
And he said, take time to connect a feeling like
you were abundant and you had time. So I closed
my eyes and I fell into it and I expanded. And
he said, from this place, what are the options?
And I was like, well, I bought a ticket for an
event called A -Fest the year before when I had
all of this money. I bought the ticket for the
consequent events and there's going to be one
in Jamaica and it attracts entrepreneurs and
really wealthy people but who are into personal
and spiritual growth and I'm like I have the
ticket but I don't have money to get there, but
I guess I have a credit card. And maybe if I
go there and just get a break from this, I'll
be around people who might inspire me and give
me ideas which could possibly lead to something
else. So why don't I bet on myself and just put
the flight ticket on the credit card and go because
it's already paid for. It was probably about
$4 ,000 worth. So I booked the ticket. And as
soon as I got off the phone and I made the decision
and booked the ticket, a previous client of mine
was like, hey, I know you're not in recruitment
anymore, but I've got this role. I've been trying
to fill it for the last year. No one can fill
it. It's a 20 ,000 pound commission for you.
So I got 20 ,000 in that moment just because
I don't think that that would have come through
if I wasn't energetically shifted. So that's
what is possible when you're able to interrupt
the limited fear -based kind of automation that
happens. Interrupted and say is this true? What
am I committed to? How would I see this different
if I wasn't feeling like? unloved or like financially,
so I'm not telling anyone to get into debt, but
the situations will kind of be clear to you in
terms of what the next action is if you can shift
your energy and access your conscious brain instead
of operating in that kind of unconscious automatic,
I think that's important right there where you
just you got silent and you went outside of your
that limiting belief at that moment and you got
quiet and things opened up for you and then you
made a you made a choice you took a different
action and something else showed up i think it's
really powerful because it's i think it's it's
probably how it happens when you're trying to
shift out of you know a circumstance or whatever
and then something else shows up for you i think
it's pretty powerful And you went, is this before
you went to India and went on the silent retreat?
No, this is after. India was the reason I came
back and shut down my business. Oh, India was?
Well, when I was reading that, I have a couple
of friends who went to California, like after
I left California. They were doing the silent
retreats for like 14 days, but you did it for
30 days? It wasn't a silent retreat. It was a
meditation retreat. I had different classes I
could attend. There were 134 different types
of meditation. It was actually the Osho Ashram.
I knew nothing about Osho before. Apparently
he's a controversial guru. I think Netflix recently
released the documentary about him. I went to
that retreat figuring out like... I am not motivated
in my business. I don't know why. I don't feel
like I'm depressed, but something's off. So let
me just cut the noise. It was actually my mum
who said to me, why do you keep... Because I
was asking for advice. I was speaking to mentors
and they were like, every entrepreneur goes through
this, just write it out. And she said, why do
you keep listening to everyone? Why don't you
turn within? And I was like, oh, cool. So...
I was like, okay, I'm gonna go to a meditation
retreat, leave my phone, leave my laptop, which
was not a good idea as a woman traveling by herself
in India, but I was safe, thank God. But yeah,
I left everything in London, went to India for
a month, and I told my assistant, don't tell
anyone where I am unless it's life or death,
and my dad managed to convince her and get the
number of the ashram, but yeah. It was a good
experience. He called me probably the last week.
And I was just like, what? I had a dream that
something bad happened to him. I'm like, that's
life or death. I'm fine. I'm fine. You know,
it's good. I'm good. Yeah. That's wild. So you
had the million dollar business. You shut it
down. You know, life has kind of shifted for
you. You're back with your family at this point,
right, taking care of some of your siblings.
at this point what like what's what's your what
are you going through at this moment i felt okay
so there was pre jamaica and post jamaica jamaica
needed to happen so before jamaica i felt like
i was drowning i'm like i've got this little
brother who has been in a behavioral unit for
three years he hadn't got like a proper education
in that time. They think that he's crazy because
he's having these kind of really aggressive outbursts,
throwing chairs at pregnant teachers, all the
things. So they wanted to feel like his dad was
schizophrenic, maybe he's schizophrenic. I'm
like, he's not schizophrenic. I think that just
my mom was sick for a long time, so he didn't
have the attention. They moved around a lot.
There was a lot of instability. And I think he
just learned to kind of get attention through
being outrageous. But trying to... I had to work
with the school. And the school was explaining
that other parents don't come in as much as I
did. I was like, well, I'm making changes at
home, and I need you guys to follow through on
those changes in order for it to be consistent.
So I was really hands -on. And within three months,
he was an ideal student. We got him into mainstream
school. But that three months leading into it
was just one of my brothers was really angry.
And I guess through his grieving, he felt like
I was coming into my mom's house and trying to
take control. So he was threatening to beat me
up. He's six foot four, so he was like, and this
payback for you kind of dominated me when I was
a child. So there was a lot of tension. I felt
unsafe. I felt stressed. I had a dog for the
first time that I was looking after that was
my brother's dog that wasn't being, it was just
intense. And I was like, I don't think I can
deal with this. And then I went to APHES and
I actually did Bufo, which is a plant medicine.
It was the first time ever that I did Bufo. Yeah,
it's DMT. Okay. Well, yeah, I know the term.
Yeah. Oh, the DMT is the chemical that's released
when we die in our brain. And I've never drank
alcohol, never done drugs. I was the goody two
shoes of goody two shoes. So anytime someone
would bring any form of smoke weed, never nothing.
And I met someone on the first day and he said,
Oh, I've been practicing under the shaman to
do this. Before thing and I was like I need to
do it now and he was like what I was like right
now And I don't know what this urge was but when
I had the experience I died and I lifted up from
my body and I saw my body lay in still And I
was like, this is the most irresponsible thing
I did and then I saw my body breathe and I was
like, okay Let's just go through there and I
surrendered and I continued to lift and I can
only describe what the energy that I got to felt
like. They say it's like a quick trip to meet
God and then back. It's only a 10 minute experience.
So I was in this place where it felt like love.
It's hard to describe, but there was no individual
me. I was just merged with this energy. And then
I started to come down and I was like, I don't
wanna leave yet. and then I came into my body
and the shaman said that he didn't think it worked
because usually when people take it they like
are really erratic and moving around and he said
I lay still as a Buddha and I had one teardrop
all down my eye I was like I don't know maybe
it's a years of meditation but it was intense
for me and my experience and what I got the day
after the the realization that came from that
experience is If that's the truth of who we all
are, when they're saying that we're all one,
then everything that I can look at on this earth
plane started there. It's like the inspiration
came from there, and as humans, we made it into
form, which means that I'm a creator. So then
I went back home. I'm trying to control this
situation rather than creating it. Like, so how
would it look like if I allowed things that,
and it was like, got my brother back into mainstream
school, got everything calmed down, and that's
when things started to change. But those initial
three months after my mum died were, yeah, I
was, I didn't think I could make it. But I also
look back at it now that I'm a coach, that I
have dealt with being threatened to go for being
beaten up with like a child that's out of control.
So when I'm coaching mothers, there's nothing
they can tell me when, you know, in terms of
I've had people lash out at me because I'm triggering
and coaching and they've called me a bitch and
it's just like, it's okay, it's whatever, you
know, because again, it's like if I hadn't have
had that experience, I don't know whether I would
be able to hold the type of space that I can
hold because I've been able to kind of work through.
those dynamics so yeah that's pretty powerful
i mean this is the experience right there um
that allowed you to like just see things differently
and experience yourself and life differently
and just through that experience and going back
to that the the environment would you say that
just because of who because of the change in
the ship that you that you experienced that actually
shifted and changed the environment with your
siblings? Yeah because yeah before so there was
the call while I was in the thick of things that
allowed me the spaciousness to realize I can
go on this trip and then I go on this trip and
then I have this experience and I'm like oh I
am more powerful than the way that I've been
showing up and then I come back and everything
is Things are still chaotic and intense, but
I'm not experiencing them as chaotic as intense.
So when you asked earlier, what is this calm,
as you start to kind of break through certain
illusions that you have, when I said earlier
that pain exists in the mind. Things are happening
and the way that we're interpreting it is what's
causing us pain So as I'm getting these like
breakthroughs of oh, I'm not scared So I have
this ticket that gives me access to these people
that then all of a sudden I don't feel broke
even though the reality is I'm broke and then
20 grand comes in and then things start to open
up from there and the same way as I was like
oh my gosh my brothers and this whole situation
of my mom dying and the grief it's all too much
and then I go and I meet God And I come down
and I'm like, this is all a simulation. Like,
what if I was dealing with it from there? How
can, so all of those things were still there,
but my perspective fundamentally changing from
an unknowing place allowed me to experience it
in a different way. So it's not that like circumstances
meant that my stress drops. No, my belief about
the circumstances affected my stress and the
actions that I took and the results I produced.
Another power drop. Okay. So This is all a simulation
and I know you know, there's a lot of things
going on well in that the realm of you know,
understanding and quantum physics and all that
kind of stuff like this is a simulation and I
think when you when you talked about like just
your shift of belief or connection to what's
happening like it's how we choose to believe
in the The what's happening and if we shift that
from like you like you said knowing you have
a knowing That you know, this is all the simulation,
right? And then in that knowing like you get
to the only way I can say it is like you you
get to move differently In the world. I don't
have that knowing a hundred percent just just
to clarify because sometimes It's like oh you're
you're evolved. You're transformed. You're awakened.
No So I was able to get there and then in that
I could share all of the circumstances right
now where I'm like I I know but I don't know,
you know, yeah There's a difference, right? such
a big difference. And I think that's what causes
online, there's a spiritual bypassing that happens
because we talk, there's so much talk from these
great teachers about spiritualities, about being
in your heart and being abundant. And I'm like,
the reality is that yes, that is spirituality.
And that's what we commit to align into on a
moment to moment basis. And you're human. You
have a brain. The brain thinks that everything
is dangerous and you're operating in fear. So
it's a constant work to look at, which is why
we use our emotions to say, OK, well, this has
brought something up in me. In this moment, I'm
not operating like this is a simulation. I'm
personalizing this like it's real. So that gives
me an opportunity to shift back and align back
to the knowing, which takes sometimes a lot of
work or sometimes it happens easy. So it's a
continuous commitment to. doing that work over
and over and over again. Yeah, I think that's
perfectly the way you said it's like I was in
my mind, I was saying practice, but it's a continuous
commitment to you know, because we're like you
said, we're human. And we do human things. And
we get into the human way of thinking and but
if we continue to do the work and continue it
can continue commitment to that. that that spirit,
I guess the spiritual knowing, what would you
call that? Yes, yes, spiritual knowing truth.
Yeah, yeah. And I think that that's just, that's
just a powerful practice to continue to, you
know, just continue to commit to. And, you know,
I wanted to talk about your business now, which
is the healed hero. And can you talk about a
little bit about that? Yeah, so when I realized
that there was this pattern that was affecting
firstborn daughters, I thought, okay, how can
I take the work that I've been doing one -on
-one in an intimate group and scale it so that
I can have this ripple effect and impact on...
First of all, daughters, I thought, OK, well,
what if I created a community where they can
all come and heal together? And because they
experience the same thing, when one person is
getting coaching, everyone is getting coaching,
because they can see themselves in the person
that's getting coaching. And I thought, these
women typically are givers, and a lot of them
struggle to receive. So if you put a bunch of
givers in a community, and they all are ready
to pour into each other, and they're all sharing
what they're dealing with and working with, just
them being together in their self will be healing
because they'll be learning through kind of force
how to receive because firstborn daughters are
a little bit forceful in their given sometimes
so it's like they will be poured into and it
will be a space not only where they're seen and
heard because I think a lot of firstborn daughters
feel like their feelings don't matter that they're
a little bit invisible and a lot of them are
very ambitious so this whole Ambition doesn't
need to be a battle and a fight. So how can you
fill up your cup? And by filling up your cup,
not only do you achieve more success and accolades,
but you're also able to give more because now
you have the capacity to give more because before,
a lot of them, the way they're given is one -directional.
It's just coming out, which is why when the cup
is empty... resentment comes. It's like, what
are you guys doing for me? No one cares about
how I feel. Whereas if they're learning how to
replenish and build an ecosystem of support and
have people pour into them, that energy is a
constant. So they're filling up and they're giving
out. They're filling up and they're giving out.
The space is allowing them to achieve exponential
success but doing it in a way where they're healing
along the way so that they are filling up their
cup, they're letting go of the programs that
no longer serve them. They're learning how to
create community and ecosystems of support so
that they're not alone in parenting and their
friendships and their business and in their careers
and that's what the Healed Hero community is.
Do you just work with first born daughters in
that in that environment or is it other women
that you work with or or is it just women? Firstborn
daughters, but if someone falls into a parentified
role where they've had to take responsibility.
So one of the members, her firstborn daughter
had some mental health and health issues. So
she kind of by proxy became the firstborn daughter,
even though she's not officially the firstborn
daughter. So anyone who identifies as being parentified
and takes on those traits of the over -giving,
the feeling unseen, the perfectionism. the, you
know, all of those traits that we kind of spoke
about at the beginning, they would fit the mold
of that community. Okay. Okay, I love that. And
like, I have a question here. I didn't know if
it fits right now. I'm just gonna ask it because
I wrote it, I typed it out. So what's one boundary
a firstborn daughter can set that doesn't That
doesn't really allow her to stay like fighting
the ambition with a piece That sounds not so
clear -cut so if I'm asking the answer the question
Play me the question that they should ask themselves
is do I have the capacity time or? energy and
resources to be able to give. The answer is no,
then the boundary is no. The issue is they don't
know how to feel whether they have the capacity.
They're on autopilot of yes. The first thing
that they need to do is un -numb themselves to
where they're coming from. Because I had a coaching
call this morning and one of the first -born
daughters was like, but I love giving and it
makes me feel good. I'm like... all of those
things are true but you're getting coaching about
it because there was a point where it tipped
and now you're feeling a little resentful she
was like yeah and i'm like and that happens a
lot doesn't it she said yeah i'm like so the
first thing you need to do is un -numb yourself
so that you know when you've hit your capacity
but you're still giving and in the coach and
i said to her what do you think Makes you over
give and she said I don't know. I guess I feel
significant and I feel needed and I said so Can
you imagine can you see how for your mind? that's
a fearful thing to let go of because it's like
if I believe I'm worthy and I'm Important to
people because of what I do for them if I start
saying no, then who am I that's a threat to existence
You know, so it's layered. It's being able to
look at the undercurrent drivers that makes them
overextend and being brave enough to stop like
to go against it to see if everyone's going to
disappear which no one usually does there's a
transition period especially family members but
they will get the evidence that no we still love
you even though you're not doing as much so it's
nuanced but the boundary would be how can i check
in with myself to ask myself can i truly give
and do i really have it to give and if the answer
is no then don't Then don't okay. I got that.
Are you taking on clients now or I know you said
you work? Very minimally for your work hours
now I'm back on work mode now in the new year.
I'm hails from the operation. I'm trying to get
out there. So I Excited to celebrate a couple
weeks ago, but I got featured on essence. I wrote
a piece around why it's all the best one is and
struggle to go from corporate to entrepreneurship.
So the intention now is to grow my brand and
visibility. My word for the year is visibility.
I haven't been great at social media, but I want
to be able to get some of these concepts and
ways that I think out there to help people. So
yes, I am taking on clients. I'm reducing the
amount of one -on -one clients and I'm moving
more into building the community. But yes, the
answer is yes. I think it's beautiful. I think
what you're sharing like what we shared through
this hour is first of all powerful and the fact
that you just really opened yourself up to the
conversation was very much appreciated and you
know there's a couple of firstborn daughters
in my family so from my mom's side and my dad's
side so I get that world about like who you're
serving and I think that's a powerful community
that you are serving and for them to get, you
know, what you're giving them to, you know, help
them with their success and where they're going
in life. It's a very beautiful thing. So how,
I know that, you know, you have a limited way
of, you know, connected with people right now,
but how can people get in touch with you and
communication with you? So there's my website,
which is www .healedhero .com. I need to update
it to specify it to first born daughters, but
it's currently written for high performing female
entrepreneurs and executives. But I kind of want
to target the broader group of first born daughters
even if they're not entrepreneurs and executives
because I think it's unfair to leave them out.
I just need to figure out. Less and I need to
figure that out anyway, so there's my website
and then I'm on LinkedIn and Instagram So over
the next couple of weeks the intention is to
start getting out there and posting so Join my
mailing list on my website and then follow on
those channels some content and hopefully lots
of value. But yeah, this has been a really easy
conversation. You said that thank you for being
open, like not everyone gets that out of me.
So you're good at asking the right questions
and creating space for the explanations to come
out. So I appreciate and value that. So thank
you for this conversation. Absolutely. Absolutely.
So with our last question, excuse me, I just
got choked up. For the last question, what's
the last thing that you want to say on this podcast
this time? What's been on your heart, on your
mind that you wanted to share? Or anything, story,
whatever it may be for your words on this podcast.
I think that the one thing I would want people
to leave this conversation with is that they're
more powerful than they know. a lot of the times
we're attracting the exact circumstances that
we need to meet the version of ourselves that
we haven't met yet. So what do I mean by that?
Every time, so if life is a simulation or a game,
we're playing at one level and everyone always
wants to be comfortable and to kind of reach
this place of happiness. That's not really what
we want because then it's like, what's the point?
We're going to die. So when we play at one level
and we master it, Life sends you challenges and
circumstances that are going to stretch you to
kind of deal with that new level. And it's just
you... being committed to being like, OK, I just
got to figure out this level. And if you have
that mindset about it, you will start to experience
that everything is happening for you. Because
when you look back, you're like, oh my gosh,
if that didn't happen, then I wouldn't have learned
that. Then I wouldn't have created this, and
I wouldn't have. So instead of having that be
in hindsight, challenge yourself to ask yourself,
why is this here to teach me? What is it teaching
me right now? And how am I? making this harder
or how am I resisting change and the more you
can lean into your problems the the short of
the time period you'll stay in them but you're
way more powerful than you know and if you just
in the midst of the pain just trust and lean
into the growth you will make it to the other
side and you'll be more wiser stronger resilient
all of the things on the other side of it so
that's the only thing I wanted to add thank you
for saying that that is so perfect I almost got
tears in my eyes. I admitted it. Because I'm
going through something right now with my business
and everything. And it's like, yeah. But that
word right there is so perfect. I'm glad it's
recorded because I can go back to it. And that's
one thing I love about being a host. I get these
nuggets. And I get to go back and listen to it
again and again. And thank you for sharing that.
that is like spot on for me. And I know that
when somebody hears that it's going to be spot
on for them because they'll be connected to this
this conversation and this episode itself. So
all the information and everything will have
that in the show notes. And I just want to say
thank you. Thank you. Thank you for making time
to be on the podcast. And just thank you. It's
been a pleasure. Thank you. Absolutely. And as
we always say, let's make thriving our new normal.
And I will see you on the next episode.