WEBVTT

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You put a baseball in the center of a stadium,

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that's what the little ego identity, right? The

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little sense of separate personality. There's

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this Christian, that's Michael. That's what that

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ego part of us is. Who we are is actually the

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stadium. And we've allowed this tiny, tiny, tiny

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part of who we are to think that it is all who

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we are and to make all these important consequential

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choices from a tiny and always limited and always

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fear -based perspective. The only way you're

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gonna find fulfillment, right? Well, I think

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anybody who's stuck out this conversation this

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long, has lived long enough to know that there

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isn't anybody out there who's gonna make us happy.

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In so many parts of the world, and how many things

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we are so blessed to have here in the US that

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we take for granted, that I think it would be

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great for all of us to be aware so we can be

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grateful, even for the little things. I agree.

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I know self -hatred. My entire adolescence was

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one long depression. Like, you know, figure out

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this kid, you know, knowing he was gay, who thought

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he wanted to be a priest, who wanted to serve

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God, as I understood it then. and being told

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by by that religion in which I was raised that

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I was an abomination that I was gonna burn in

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hell for eternity so you know suicidal fantasies

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and all that what's up fam before we get into

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this conversation let me say this look I know

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it's a thing right but if what we do here on

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this channel speaks to you if it lifts you centers

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you or helps you see your life a little clearer

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I invite you to like the video and subscribe

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so you stay connected. And if you want these

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conversations with you beyond YouTube, download

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way and it really truly helps us create the kind

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of content that doesn't just entertain but actually

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supports your journey of growth and alignment.

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So hit the like, subscribe, let's breathe in,

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get present. step into the conversation. Mr.

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Christian, I want to welcome you to the Tharavu

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journey. We talked a little bit, but again, how

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are you doing? Thank you, Michael. I'm doing

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pretty well. And I'm really happy to be here

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with you and looking forward to our conversation.

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How are you doing? I'm doing I'm doing well.

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And I'm looking forward to our conversation too,

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because you you talk about some powerful things.

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Transformation and and things along. along those

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lines in that world. And what I want to do, I

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just kind of want to go back before we get here,

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because I found your beginning information and

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your story very interesting. And so you were

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born in Havana, Cuba, and you and your parents

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fled communism. And I wanted to know, do you

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remember that? And if you do, like how? How was

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that for you? Yeah, I remember when we left Cuba,

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I was 10. So I lived my first 10 years of life

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in a communist country. And I mean, yeah, there's

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so much to say about that. There's so many things

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we take for granted here in the US. I mean, not

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to mention the big things like freedom and being

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able to do what you choose to do and study what

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you choose to study and make your own way in

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life, practice whatever religious or spiritual

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beliefs you choose to practice. But here's an

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example from a thing that's a simple thing, but

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it tells a lot. What's chewing gum to us here

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in the US or in developed countries? It's nothing.

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We stick a gum in our mouth and we spit it out

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without even having a second thought about it.

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We had a better than most in Cuba because my

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parents had several friends who worked for foreign

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embassies. So few times a year that we get, you

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know, treats like chewing gum. Remember the little

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chicklets packs? We used to get a couple of those

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and split it between the kids. I'm one of, you

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know, one of many kids. Um, and we chew that

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piece of gum. At the end of the day, we'd get

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a glass of water, you know, with a little bit

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of water, put toothpaste in it and stick our

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gum in there. So it'd be minty the next day and

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keep it going for two, three weeks until my mom

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found it. and threw it out, so we'd have to hide

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it. But it just goes to show how it is in so

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many parts of the world and how many things we

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are so blessed to have here in the US that we

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take for granted that I think it would be great

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for all of us to be aware so we can be grateful

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even for the little things. I agree. Well, wait

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a minute. So I want to get the essence of this.

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You didn't get gum because why? Because it wasn't

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available. It was not to be had. And the people,

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the friends that you had, that your parents had,

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they would bring you the gum, and then you'll

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be able to enjoy the simple things in life. Bubble

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gum, or chicklets, or whatever. And in that regime,

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and those type of countries, you have like, you're

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allotted, you have this little book, and you're

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allotted so many loaves of bread or so many gallons

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of milk. According to how many people in the

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family, but most of the time you go to the store

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and the stores are bare. There's nothing So no

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matter what how much you're allotted you there's

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not the stuff It's not like like here where you

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go to though you go to the grocery store and

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it's I remember the first time I went through

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a grocery store in Spain because we left through

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Spain first It was just overwhelming the number

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of choices Even you know toothpaste shampoo like

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it's like an overwhelming number of choices Do

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you think that just growing up in those years,

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those formative years, did that give you some

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kind of mindset in life? Yeah. I mean, that,

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you know, appreciating more the little things

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and not taking things for granted. The other

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thing for which I'm really grateful is that,

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you know, we had a TV, but there was nothing

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worth watching. It's like literally old black

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and white movies, American movies, and government

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propaganda. So we grew up reading and I'm really

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grateful for that. You know, I developed a lifelong

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love affair with words and with books because

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of that. And it's I think that deepened and expanded

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the way that I that I look at the human experience.

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And also we had to invent. our own games like

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you know there were no toys or very few toys

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to be had so we had to be creative and we spent

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a lot of time playing outside and inventing our

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pastimes and that I think is like when I see

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my my nieces and nephews you know whether whether

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head stuck in a phone or or tv screen and like

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it's it saddens me yeah you know when you were

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saying that I was remembering like in my childhood

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um 80s you know growing up, like we would make

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up games and play games and we're all outside

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during the snow for Michigan. And, you know,

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that was just, these are moments that late like

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now in these years that I think about. And it

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also helped me create, you know, my creativity.

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And when I look at, you know, my nephews and

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nieces, and they're like in the other room now

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just playing video games like go outside and

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get out. You know what I mean? Exactly. We used

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to put on shows and plays and perform. Yeah.

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All the fun things. And it's different now. But

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I try to encourage them to, you know, go outside,

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play football, do whatever you want to do, just

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get out, you know, and get out of the TikToks

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and all that good stuff. But it has its place,

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but not all the time, right? Yeah, so it has

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its place. But you know, but it's interesting,

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because the technology has has allowed us to

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interconnect in some ways globally. But at what

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level? Right? In some ways, we feel more isolated

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and alone than than ever. Yeah, because we're

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all in our unique little worlds, you know, with

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watching our tech talks or Instagram or we're

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just following texting people. So it's it's a

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mixed blessing that makes blessing. Yeah, I totally

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I totally agree. So when I mean, coming from

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that world traveling, you said through Spain,

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which is a beautiful country. And then in up

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here, like what was the the the mindset when

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you got to America? Once you had all the the

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bounty and the freedoms and as much as you wanted

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to get. Well, you know, that was a shock. For

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one thing, you know, I didn't speak a word of

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English. And when we first landed, we went to

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a small town in rural Georgia, in the middle

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of Georgia, that was famous for a couple of things,

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one of which was it had one of the three largest

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psychiatric hospitals in the world, and my dad

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was a psychiatrist. But as you can imagine, in

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those days that I don't know now, but that they

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don't they didn't take very kindly to foreigners.

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And they're very, very clear racial divisions.

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And yes, I don't have very fond memories. As

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soon as we could get out of there, we went back

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to Miami, where there was much more of at least

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openness to Latino Spanish speaking communities.

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Mm hmm. Yeah, that's I can imagine that's just

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being tough, you know, coming from a different.

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you know, just world basically entering this

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world and then having to deal with, you know,

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being free, but then also dealing with, you know,

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those psychological things that, you know, that

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you have to deal with during that time. But you

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began to Oh, go ahead. No, no, no, I was just

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saying yes, it was it was not not easy at all.

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Yeah. So you began on this journey. You're here.

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You talked about your your late 20s. things were

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happening for you. Can you just talk about that

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world for a minute? Yeah, by the end of my 20s,

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I was pretty, you know, I was doing pretty well

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for myself. I was, I was working in community

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relations for a psychiatric and addictions hospital.

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Had a nice kind of cushy job. Um, you know, I

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got to wine and dine potential referral sources

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for the hospital. Um, and I had developed Enough

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of a network that I didn't have to do to work

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very hard for that And yet it seemed to me that

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the more that I that I had, you know I was sought

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after socially sought after professionally and

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yet the more that I had the more that it felt

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like there's something missing there has to be

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more to life and That started a process of me

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turning inward And while I had struggled with

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the religion in which I was raised, which was

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Catholicism, because it was so strict and dogmatic

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and didn't have room for me, I started looking

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eastward. So I started looking at Buddhism and

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Hinduism and Taoism and some of those indigenous

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traditions. And pretty soon, you know, I quit

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my job and sold my condo and gave away most of

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my belongings and went off on a spiritual journey

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and never looked back. That was the last job

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that I ever had that I worked for somebody else,

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you know, other than working for myself. You

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talked about you had all these things on the

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outside, but you were unfulfilled and you made

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a shift. Was there like a moment that said, you

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know what, this is just enough and I need to

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figure out what's going on with me on the inside?

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Well, you know, I think it connects to I think

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it was an accumulation of things and a build

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up that happened. But I love the concept that

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you teach in practice, which is thriving. I wasn't

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thriving. I was living and I had pretty comfy

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and in some ways very enviable life, but I didn't

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feel like I was thriving. Like many of us, I

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was kind of selling out. for that illusion of

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security of a biweekly paycheck. But what happened,

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too, is that around that time is when the insurance

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companies started tightening the screws. So I

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started to see practices taken on at the hospital

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in which I worked. Well, you know, like people

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being put inpatient and their benefits utilized

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just because they had the benefits when they

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might have been OK doing outpatient service.

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So everything became much more money and bottom

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line oriented and I got disillusioned. And that's

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one of the things that triggered my searching.

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And there has to be more to life. So as a combination

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of that disillusionment and the realization that

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external validation, whether through being sought

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after socially or professionally or having stuff,

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none of that was enough for me. And that's what

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prompted that search. So there was a disconnect,

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and like you said, you were just surviving. And

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then you talked about disillusionment. I think

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a lot of people live in the world of illusion,

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and they don't connect to the what's so in their

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life. And it seems like that's what you did.

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So what was the next thing that you did once

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you began, like, I guess, open up? Well, I mean,

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the beginning was that dramatic leap, you know,

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where I just quit everything and... went off

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on a spiritual journey. I was part of a very

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small spiritual community. I studied with a spiritual

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teacher for about five years, blending Eastern

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and Western principles, psychology, spirituality,

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and pretty soon, and I did it for about four

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or five years and then went off on my own. And

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I've been applying, you know, those principles

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and started teaching. I learned about breathwork

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through that teacher. I learned about meditation.

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and that's I weave those practices into my retreats

00:14:15.809 --> 00:14:20.950
and my my coaching and And it was it was that's

00:14:20.950 --> 00:14:23.289
what had been missing for me. It was I had you

00:14:23.289 --> 00:14:26.190
know developed so much Mentally psychologically

00:14:26.190 --> 00:14:29.250
professionally, but I had neglected the spiritual

00:14:29.250 --> 00:14:31.509
like many people I threw out the baby with a

00:14:31.509 --> 00:14:37.269
baptismal water And and then realizes like wait

00:14:37.269 --> 00:14:40.169
a minute it's just as ludicrous to try to reject

00:14:40.330 --> 00:14:43.330
one part of being human like sexuality like my

00:14:43.330 --> 00:14:46.769
religion had tried me to to get me to do um as

00:14:46.769 --> 00:14:49.990
it is to to reject my spiritual nature it's all

00:14:49.990 --> 00:14:54.149
part of that whole human being and when we reject

00:14:54.149 --> 00:14:56.909
any part of our wholeness there's no way that

00:14:56.909 --> 00:15:01.330
we can thrive i was going to go another way but

00:15:01.330 --> 00:15:07.029
you said that um we reject a part of our wholeness

00:15:07.029 --> 00:15:09.070
can you talk about that like because i think

00:15:09.070 --> 00:15:11.889
that that's maybe a struggle for people. And

00:15:11.889 --> 00:15:13.610
I know we're going to talk about entrepreneurs

00:15:13.610 --> 00:15:16.129
and things like that, but this may intersect

00:15:16.129 --> 00:15:19.009
with that. But when you reject a part of your

00:15:19.009 --> 00:15:22.570
wholeness. Yeah. In my case, it was those two

00:15:22.570 --> 00:15:26.250
things. First of all, I knew from a young age

00:15:26.250 --> 00:15:30.549
that I was gay. And the religion in which I was

00:15:30.549 --> 00:15:35.370
raised had no room for that. So I tried to reject

00:15:35.370 --> 00:15:40.009
that part of myself for some time. And then when

00:15:40.009 --> 00:15:43.590
I realized, you know, when I made the choice

00:15:43.590 --> 00:15:47.370
that I wasn't going to live my life based on

00:15:47.370 --> 00:15:50.509
teachings that were taken out of their cultural

00:15:50.509 --> 00:15:53.669
and historical context, teachings from thousands

00:15:53.669 --> 00:15:58.409
of years ago that were translated and retranslated

00:15:58.409 --> 00:16:03.029
and mistranslated, teachings that came about

00:16:03.029 --> 00:16:05.450
when women weren't even equal. Women were property.

00:16:06.679 --> 00:16:09.659
So I decided, no, I'm not going to base my choices

00:16:09.659 --> 00:16:11.539
about what I'm going to do with my life and what's

00:16:11.539 --> 00:16:15.159
right and what's wrong on that. And so that triggered

00:16:15.159 --> 00:16:19.220
that's that was the the bathwater. But I threw

00:16:19.220 --> 00:16:22.120
out the good part of the spirituality. I just

00:16:22.120 --> 00:16:24.759
rejected the whole thing. Anything that had to

00:16:24.759 --> 00:16:27.539
smack of spirituality or religion, I didn't know

00:16:27.539 --> 00:16:29.340
the difference between those two things back

00:16:29.340 --> 00:16:33.840
then. So I rejected that in my 20s. And at the

00:16:33.840 --> 00:16:35.840
end of my 20s is when I started to realize, wait

00:16:35.840 --> 00:16:38.519
a minute, there's something missing. And that

00:16:38.519 --> 00:16:41.419
was that other part of my being human, of my

00:16:41.419 --> 00:16:45.460
wholeness that I had ignored and tried to reject

00:16:45.460 --> 00:16:49.879
and run away from in my 20s. And so my choice

00:16:49.879 --> 00:16:52.639
then was to begin to reincorporate that and to

00:16:52.639 --> 00:16:54.980
find ways of connecting with that and expressing

00:16:54.980 --> 00:16:58.139
it that were a match for me, that worked for

00:16:58.139 --> 00:17:01.960
me. Yeah. The question I have then is what was

00:17:01.960 --> 00:17:05.799
it? What was the impact on? The rejection of

00:17:05.799 --> 00:17:07.720
you because it could be different for everybody

00:17:07.720 --> 00:17:09.660
It could be this you know what your what your

00:17:09.660 --> 00:17:11.779
experience, but there's an impact there. What

00:17:11.779 --> 00:17:14.440
was that impact for you of my hat my heaven?

00:17:15.079 --> 00:17:18.519
Been rejected by religion. Yes, or just any parts

00:17:18.519 --> 00:17:20.680
of this part parts of you period. Oh, that's

00:17:20.680 --> 00:17:22.700
what you're saying Yeah, well, you know going

00:17:22.700 --> 00:17:25.480
back to to wholeness and thriving we can't be

00:17:25.480 --> 00:17:27.779
thriving if we're rejecting any part of who we

00:17:27.779 --> 00:17:31.259
are In my case, whether it was sexuality or spirituality,

00:17:31.519 --> 00:17:35.539
it's like ludicrous to try to suppress, repress,

00:17:36.119 --> 00:17:40.380
ignore, jump over parts of who we are. It's just

00:17:40.380 --> 00:17:44.759
like another thing that we see often, which is

00:17:44.759 --> 00:17:47.759
spiritual bypassing. I don't want to look at

00:17:47.759 --> 00:17:50.259
the dark stuff. I don't want to look at the painful

00:17:50.259 --> 00:17:52.880
stuff. I just want to focus on the, quote unquote,

00:17:53.140 --> 00:17:57.000
love and light. that stuff that we're trying

00:17:57.000 --> 00:17:59.140
to run away from, that we're trying to repress

00:17:59.140 --> 00:18:01.240
or stick in the back of the drawer or a closet

00:18:01.240 --> 00:18:04.000
somewhere, it's not gonna go away. Right? All

00:18:04.000 --> 00:18:07.460
the painful stuff. It's not gonna go away. It's

00:18:07.460 --> 00:18:10.460
only gonna fester under the surface and impact

00:18:10.460 --> 00:18:12.859
our relationship and the relationships and the

00:18:12.859 --> 00:18:17.079
quality of our lives from the subconscious. So

00:18:17.079 --> 00:18:20.720
it's not easy work. It's hard work. I know, you

00:18:20.720 --> 00:18:24.579
know, but it's infinitely rewarding. Because

00:18:24.579 --> 00:18:26.920
once we are able to look at that and ask the

00:18:26.920 --> 00:18:30.539
hard questions Why do way am I triggered by that?

00:18:30.700 --> 00:18:33.700
Why do I keep recreating this pattern in relationship?

00:18:34.039 --> 00:18:36.500
Why do I keep having the same old boring argument?

00:18:36.980 --> 00:18:39.279
Um only with a different actor a different co

00:18:39.279 --> 00:18:41.940
-lead but the same crap coming up at some point

00:18:41.940 --> 00:18:44.019
We have to get honest and real and say wait a

00:18:44.019 --> 00:18:47.279
minute There's one common denominator in every

00:18:47.279 --> 00:18:49.740
one of those arguments in every one of those

00:18:49.740 --> 00:18:52.740
relationships and it's right here Why? Why is

00:18:52.740 --> 00:18:55.839
that? And once we ask those hard questions, we

00:18:55.839 --> 00:18:58.180
can do something about it, right? We can heal

00:18:58.180 --> 00:19:00.599
whatever needs to be healed. We can make whatever

00:19:00.599 --> 00:19:04.279
choices that we need to make. Getting honest

00:19:04.279 --> 00:19:10.759
with that part of you that you won't face and

00:19:10.759 --> 00:19:15.970
really... just going at it. Yeah. Go at it. So,

00:19:16.170 --> 00:19:18.710
I mean, you started to develop this for yourself

00:19:18.710 --> 00:19:22.410
and you went on a spiritual journey. What was

00:19:22.410 --> 00:19:24.730
that like and what did you do? And I ask that

00:19:24.730 --> 00:19:27.750
question because I've had a couple people that

00:19:27.750 --> 00:19:30.269
have done the same, like they talk about they're

00:19:30.269 --> 00:19:38.029
more spiritual in their quest and they went Trot,

00:19:38.029 --> 00:19:41.450
ayahuasca, and all that good stuff. And that's

00:19:41.450 --> 00:19:44.170
not the same for everybody, but they also talk

00:19:44.170 --> 00:19:47.049
about breathwork. And so the core of my question

00:19:47.049 --> 00:19:50.309
is, what was that journey, and how did breathwork

00:19:50.309 --> 00:19:52.890
help you to get to the next space in your life?

00:19:54.130 --> 00:19:55.910
Let me start with the breathwork. The journey

00:19:55.910 --> 00:20:00.410
itself was difficult, right? Because it entailed

00:20:00.410 --> 00:20:03.430
questioning. Things that I've taken for granted

00:20:03.430 --> 00:20:05.250
all my life things that I've been told things

00:20:05.250 --> 00:20:07.509
that I was conditioned to believe You know when

00:20:07.509 --> 00:20:10.730
I was raised there was one only true religion

00:20:10.730 --> 00:20:12.390
in the world and that was the Roman Catholic

00:20:12.390 --> 00:20:16.150
Church and so it became a process of questioning

00:20:16.150 --> 00:20:20.869
right and one and investigating and and having

00:20:20.869 --> 00:20:24.180
my own experiences and beginning to explore and

00:20:24.180 --> 00:20:26.259
develop my own personal relationship with the

00:20:26.259 --> 00:20:29.279
sacred, whatever you call that. And so there

00:20:29.279 --> 00:20:31.599
was a lot of years of explanation. Breathwork

00:20:31.599 --> 00:20:35.819
was life changing. Like I'll never, I'll never

00:20:35.819 --> 00:20:39.980
forget the very first session because after so

00:20:39.980 --> 00:20:43.519
much searching and so much looking, I got a glimpse

00:20:43.519 --> 00:20:47.750
of an aspect of myself, you know, like the part

00:20:47.750 --> 00:20:50.410
of us that, you know, call it the soul, call

00:20:50.410 --> 00:20:53.789
it, you know, I talk about the baseball on the

00:20:53.789 --> 00:20:56.690
stadium metaphor. If you put a baseball in the

00:20:56.690 --> 00:20:59.710
center of a stadium, that's what the little ego

00:20:59.710 --> 00:21:02.250
identity, right? The little sense of separate

00:21:02.250 --> 00:21:04.289
personality. There's this Christian, that's Michael.

00:21:04.730 --> 00:21:08.049
That's what that ego part of us is. Who we are

00:21:08.049 --> 00:21:11.049
is actually the stadium. And we've allowed this

00:21:11.049 --> 00:21:14.210
tiny, tiny, tiny part of who we are to think

00:21:14.210 --> 00:21:17.089
that it is all who we are and to make all these

00:21:17.089 --> 00:21:21.390
important consequential choices from a tiny and

00:21:21.390 --> 00:21:24.329
always limited and always fear based perspective.

00:21:24.609 --> 00:21:27.029
So part of what breath work does for me, and

00:21:27.029 --> 00:21:30.109
I know that like sacred medicine journeys also

00:21:30.109 --> 00:21:31.970
do it for people, people because I hear it all

00:21:31.970 --> 00:21:35.630
the time. People who did who do breath work with

00:21:35.630 --> 00:21:37.609
me, and then they'll say, Wow, I got to the same

00:21:37.609 --> 00:21:42.210
place, which to me is that stadium nature. In

00:21:42.210 --> 00:21:44.490
breath work that I did on an ayahuasca journey.

00:21:45.690 --> 00:21:49.970
So it's a different pathway, a different way

00:21:49.970 --> 00:21:52.029
to get to those experiences. And once you have

00:21:52.029 --> 00:21:53.750
an experience of yourself, one thing's reading

00:21:53.750 --> 00:21:56.509
about it. Another one is having an experience

00:21:56.509 --> 00:21:59.190
of yourself as that, as interconnected to it

00:21:59.190 --> 00:22:03.170
all, as free in the ultimate sense of freedom,

00:22:04.789 --> 00:22:09.269
empowered in a soulful kind of way, because it's

00:22:09.269 --> 00:22:11.769
both incredibly empowering and profoundly humbling

00:22:11.769 --> 00:22:15.039
at the same time. um and so once you have a taste

00:22:15.039 --> 00:22:17.519
of that it's it everything changes everything

00:22:17.519 --> 00:22:21.200
changes and so talking to this person now this

00:22:21.200 --> 00:22:24.259
christian now um you talk about some extraordinary

00:22:24.259 --> 00:22:28.180
things that we'll talk about um and you use breath

00:22:28.180 --> 00:22:30.819
work in your retreats and things like that you

00:22:30.819 --> 00:22:37.500
you you uh stated um you talk about uh um personal

00:22:37.500 --> 00:22:40.279
power your true personal power how do you how

00:22:40.279 --> 00:22:43.819
how do you define that i think Deep question

00:22:43.819 --> 00:22:48.500
too, because we have, most of us struggle with

00:22:48.500 --> 00:22:51.779
that word, right? Power. Because also we've been

00:22:51.779 --> 00:22:55.519
conditioned to think that power is bad. You know,

00:22:55.619 --> 00:22:58.819
with quotes like power corrupts, absolute power

00:22:58.819 --> 00:23:01.940
corrupts absolutely. And what good person wants

00:23:01.940 --> 00:23:04.519
to be corrupted. And then how many times have

00:23:04.519 --> 00:23:08.049
we witnessed abuses of power? whether in our

00:23:08.049 --> 00:23:10.630
both in our personal relationship with parental

00:23:10.630 --> 00:23:13.829
figures and teachers, et cetera, bosses, and

00:23:13.829 --> 00:23:15.809
in the world, like all we have to do is turn

00:23:15.809 --> 00:23:18.390
on the news on any given day and see witness

00:23:18.390 --> 00:23:22.289
at least one abuse of power. So when you put

00:23:22.289 --> 00:23:27.170
all that together, what happens tragically is

00:23:27.170 --> 00:23:30.109
that we get confused about power. And so we end

00:23:30.109 --> 00:23:33.710
up rejecting power. And what what what happens

00:23:33.710 --> 00:23:35.789
when we do that, because we have we weren't taught

00:23:35.789 --> 00:23:38.880
that those words like those power corrupts phrase

00:23:38.880 --> 00:23:43.119
Lord Acton who spoke them was specifically speaking

00:23:43.119 --> 00:23:46.299
about political power not the personal power

00:23:46.299 --> 00:23:48.619
that we're talking about but we weren't taught

00:23:48.619 --> 00:23:50.859
that so we throw again the baby out with the

00:23:50.859 --> 00:23:52.960
bathwater and what happens when we give away

00:23:52.960 --> 00:23:55.799
our power is that we end up settling in how many

00:23:55.799 --> 00:23:59.990
times have we said yes when inside it was a no

00:23:59.990 --> 00:24:02.410
inside we were not okay with that but in order

00:24:02.410 --> 00:24:05.670
to maintain the peace or because we're so terrified

00:24:05.670 --> 00:24:09.990
of the emotions and conflict that we end up settling

00:24:09.990 --> 00:24:12.730
for that illusion of pseudo peace and we settle

00:24:12.730 --> 00:24:16.769
for crumbs of pseudo acceptance and pseudo love

00:24:16.769 --> 00:24:19.809
and it's not a good strategy because all that

00:24:19.809 --> 00:24:22.430
stuff that we're suppressing that's going to

00:24:22.430 --> 00:24:25.349
turn into resentment yeah because it has to right

00:24:25.349 --> 00:24:27.609
every time that we're suppressing our dreams

00:24:28.839 --> 00:24:33.059
giving away our power, or we're putting other

00:24:33.059 --> 00:24:36.380
people's preferences and perceptions and beliefs

00:24:36.380 --> 00:24:41.259
ahead of ours. That stuff is, you know, inside

00:24:41.259 --> 00:24:44.799
is going to turn into resentment. And of course,

00:24:44.920 --> 00:24:46.819
there's compromise in every relationship, of

00:24:46.819 --> 00:24:48.859
course. So that's not what I'm talking about.

00:24:49.039 --> 00:24:50.799
You know, it's like tonight we want to go for

00:24:50.799 --> 00:24:53.980
Chinese, tomorrow we go for Mexican. That's a

00:24:53.980 --> 00:24:57.140
difference from what I'm talking about. I'm talking

00:24:57.140 --> 00:25:00.720
about sacrificing, abandoning ourselves at the

00:25:00.720 --> 00:25:04.400
deepest levels in order to settle because we're

00:25:04.400 --> 00:25:06.519
afraid of being alone or because we're afraid

00:25:06.519 --> 00:25:09.359
of having a difficult conversation. Right. So

00:25:09.359 --> 00:25:14.920
you talk about possibly abandoning. How does

00:25:14.920 --> 00:25:17.200
one reclaim their power, then, if they're afraid

00:25:17.200 --> 00:25:19.460
of it or they're not really embracing it, their

00:25:19.460 --> 00:25:21.750
personal power? Yeah, that's a great question.

00:25:21.869 --> 00:25:25.029
I mean, first of all, understanding what we're

00:25:25.029 --> 00:25:26.869
doing, right? So beginning to understand our

00:25:26.869 --> 00:25:29.549
relationship to power and that there are different

00:25:29.549 --> 00:25:33.950
kinds of power and that we can step into a kind

00:25:33.950 --> 00:25:37.170
of personal power that is not hierarchical, that

00:25:37.170 --> 00:25:39.430
is not abusive, that doesn't require that we

00:25:39.430 --> 00:25:41.589
push anybody down, step on them, put our knee

00:25:41.589 --> 00:25:44.589
to their neck in order to prop ourselves up and

00:25:44.589 --> 00:25:46.970
feel powerful. That there's a way that we can

00:25:46.970 --> 00:25:49.910
manage our relationship to power that is not

00:25:49.910 --> 00:25:52.309
zero sum, right? So that your power, your having

00:25:52.309 --> 00:25:54.049
power doesn't take away from mine, of course

00:25:54.049 --> 00:25:58.410
not. And so that we begin to move more into the

00:25:58.410 --> 00:26:00.109
direction of what I call soulful power, but it's

00:26:00.109 --> 00:26:03.210
more like power with rather than power over.

00:26:04.309 --> 00:26:07.089
And so that's, and then beginning to pay attention,

00:26:07.269 --> 00:26:09.549
right? We can't do anything about what we can't

00:26:09.549 --> 00:26:12.230
see. So going through life, paying attention.

00:26:12.869 --> 00:26:14.410
What are those times when we stuff ourselves,

00:26:14.490 --> 00:26:17.109
when we play small, when we know the answer in

00:26:17.109 --> 00:26:19.910
a meeting, but we're afraid to raise the hand

00:26:19.910 --> 00:26:27.269
and speak up. Yeah. Or because, you know, because

00:26:27.269 --> 00:26:29.289
whatever we feel rejection, we don't, we don't,

00:26:29.289 --> 00:26:32.309
we want to make sense with everybody else. We

00:26:32.309 --> 00:26:34.769
were afraid of like, if it really beat all of

00:26:34.769 --> 00:26:36.529
who we are, that other people might not be able

00:26:36.529 --> 00:26:39.069
to handle it and reject it. So we play small

00:26:39.069 --> 00:26:41.950
and we stick ourselves into a little box. And

00:26:41.950 --> 00:26:45.190
that's not, that's the opposite of thriving.

00:26:46.410 --> 00:26:49.329
Right. That's like, playing small and acting

00:26:49.329 --> 00:26:52.470
as if. And we've also been conditioned to believe

00:26:52.470 --> 00:26:55.630
that to let ourselves shine, to let ourselves

00:26:55.630 --> 00:27:00.190
thrive, is arrogance. And I think it's the reverse.

00:27:00.970 --> 00:27:04.569
How dare we hide our light under a bushel? How

00:27:04.569 --> 00:27:08.690
dare we play small, particularly at this time

00:27:08.690 --> 00:27:13.589
when everything is writing? We're all in this

00:27:13.589 --> 00:27:15.869
together. We're a make -it -or -break -it point

00:27:15.869 --> 00:27:19.509
in terms of human evolution. The planet will

00:27:19.509 --> 00:27:22.009
be fine, right? The mess that we have made, the

00:27:22.009 --> 00:27:26.450
planet left on its own will find balance again.

00:27:26.549 --> 00:27:29.130
It might take a gazillion years. It might end

00:27:29.130 --> 00:27:31.490
up being an enlightened cockroach planet in the

00:27:31.490 --> 00:27:35.420
end. Whether we make it, hmm. Right? We're just

00:27:35.420 --> 00:27:39.940
now. I'm sorry you said like cockroach, but it's

00:27:39.940 --> 00:27:45.720
it's in your ear. Whether we make it, that's

00:27:45.720 --> 00:27:48.059
what's up, right? We're just now beginning to

00:27:48.059 --> 00:27:50.859
experience what we have unleashed on our environment.

00:27:51.140 --> 00:27:54.279
Yeah. So it's time. It's like all hands on deck.

00:27:54.619 --> 00:27:56.880
If anybody who's who's listening or watching

00:27:56.880 --> 00:28:00.299
this who has the slightest. inkling of suspicion

00:28:00.299 --> 00:28:03.480
that they have work to do as teachers as healers

00:28:03.480 --> 00:28:07.700
as as activists for change. This is it. Yeah,

00:28:07.700 --> 00:28:11.839
this is the clarion call all hands on deck. You

00:28:11.839 --> 00:28:15.259
know, the cockroach statement kind of threw me

00:28:15.259 --> 00:28:18.799
off a little bit. But but because I started picturing,

00:28:18.799 --> 00:28:22.779
you know, conscious meditating cockroaches. Yeah,

00:28:22.799 --> 00:28:28.470
yeah. Uh, let's see. Let me get back on track

00:28:28.470 --> 00:28:32.369
here. Um, so I was gonna say, you know, I've

00:28:32.369 --> 00:28:36.630
been through, um, and years of, uh, my transformation

00:28:36.630 --> 00:28:39.230
and, you know, once you're transformed, you're

00:28:39.230 --> 00:28:41.589
transformed, but there's always transformation

00:28:41.589 --> 00:28:44.529
happening, especially what I like to say is that

00:28:44.529 --> 00:28:47.910
I stay in the conference conversation of transformation

00:28:47.910 --> 00:28:51.190
with people, um, just because, you know, you

00:28:51.190 --> 00:28:54.900
can always have a steadily moving world of transformation

00:28:54.900 --> 00:28:58.539
and these days that I'm you know I'm so much

00:28:58.539 --> 00:29:00.759
further along than I was but I'm still at a place

00:29:00.759 --> 00:29:03.200
where I know there's so much more to do and to

00:29:03.200 --> 00:29:05.579
grow and you're talking about playing small and

00:29:05.579 --> 00:29:09.119
it just reminded me of you know for whatever

00:29:09.119 --> 00:29:11.640
reasons I mean I I know the reasons just don't

00:29:11.640 --> 00:29:13.480
want to go into it right now because it's like

00:29:13.480 --> 00:29:18.089
a therapy session but I was playing small even

00:29:18.089 --> 00:29:21.950
though like I was successful in areas and that

00:29:21.950 --> 00:29:25.869
playing small mindset really got me to play small

00:29:25.869 --> 00:29:29.809
in life and then, you know, things like my world

00:29:29.809 --> 00:29:33.329
mirrored what was going on the inside. And if

00:29:33.329 --> 00:29:35.170
that's happening to people that are listening,

00:29:35.470 --> 00:29:39.829
what can they do to really shift that for themselves

00:29:39.829 --> 00:29:43.309
if they're in that mindset or that space or being?

00:29:43.680 --> 00:29:46.400
Plain small. Ladies, check this out because you're

00:29:46.400 --> 00:29:50.059
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creating, or pulling to my purpose, I just feel

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00:30:18.900 --> 00:30:21.660
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00:31:04.160 --> 00:31:06.519
The link and the code is in the show notes. Check

00:31:06.519 --> 00:31:12.359
it out. The short answer is cut it out. Cut it

00:31:12.359 --> 00:31:19.720
out. Just cut it out. Stop. Seriously, stop.

00:31:19.819 --> 00:31:22.059
How dare you? How dare you? It's like we need

00:31:22.059 --> 00:31:26.299
you now. We need all of us. And if you want to

00:31:26.299 --> 00:31:28.960
be fulfilled. That's the only way you're going

00:31:28.960 --> 00:31:31.079
to find fulfillment, right? Well, I think everybody,

00:31:31.240 --> 00:31:33.180
anybody who's stuck out this conversation, this

00:31:33.180 --> 00:31:35.720
long nose has lived long enough to know that

00:31:35.720 --> 00:31:37.559
there isn't anybody out there who's going to

00:31:37.559 --> 00:31:40.660
make us happy. Yeah. So no relationship is ever

00:31:40.660 --> 00:31:42.980
going to fulfill us. And it's not their job to

00:31:42.980 --> 00:31:45.220
like how unfair to put the responsibility on

00:31:45.220 --> 00:31:48.000
someone. You are going to make me happy. Yikes.

00:31:48.779 --> 00:31:52.200
And we have we all know like how many more proof

00:31:52.200 --> 00:31:54.440
do we need for people who have all the money?

00:31:56.019 --> 00:31:58.359
celebrities, the politicians, all the power you

00:31:58.359 --> 00:32:02.880
could want and they're miserable and thin skinned.

00:32:03.160 --> 00:32:05.240
You know that the slightest comments turns them

00:32:05.240 --> 00:32:10.140
into a whole over reactive childish tantrum without

00:32:10.140 --> 00:32:17.039
mentioning names. And so I'm trying to be serious

00:32:17.039 --> 00:32:19.339
when you say something some things that are really

00:32:19.339 --> 00:32:22.940
that hit at the that at the mark, right? You

00:32:22.940 --> 00:32:26.009
hit the market and just it resonates. So I agree

00:32:26.009 --> 00:32:27.609
with what you're saying. That's what I'm saying.

00:32:28.130 --> 00:32:31.210
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So the only thing, as

00:32:31.210 --> 00:32:33.269
far as I'm concerned, the only thing that is

00:32:33.269 --> 00:32:36.369
ever going to fulfill us is giving expression

00:32:36.369 --> 00:32:40.250
to that unique human potential that lies inside

00:32:40.250 --> 00:32:44.019
each one of us. There isn't anyone else. in this

00:32:44.019 --> 00:32:46.619
universe or any other universe, for that matter,

00:32:46.980 --> 00:32:50.339
who has the same genetics, the same set of experiences,

00:32:50.519 --> 00:32:54.200
the same desires, preferences, dreams that make

00:32:54.200 --> 00:32:57.500
each one of us unique. If we don't give expression

00:32:57.500 --> 00:33:00.740
to that, ain't nobody else going to do it. And

00:33:00.740 --> 00:33:03.519
to me, that is the universal imperative is to

00:33:03.519 --> 00:33:05.259
give expression to that. And we get to do that

00:33:05.259 --> 00:33:08.859
however we wish. But going for that personal

00:33:08.859 --> 00:33:12.549
best, that personal excellence, is what's going

00:33:12.549 --> 00:33:14.430
to give us that sense of satisfaction. And it

00:33:14.430 --> 00:33:17.710
doesn't matter the details, the specifics are

00:33:17.710 --> 00:33:20.549
secondary, right? Where in one case it could

00:33:20.549 --> 00:33:23.210
be writing an Oscar winning screenplay. Somebody

00:33:23.210 --> 00:33:26.309
else's case might be making the best damn chocolate

00:33:26.309 --> 00:33:29.190
brownies this side of the Mississippi. It doesn't

00:33:29.190 --> 00:33:31.630
matter. What matters is that we give expression

00:33:31.630 --> 00:33:34.349
to them because that's where our fulfillment

00:33:34.349 --> 00:33:36.250
lies. And that's when we're going to thrive.

00:33:36.549 --> 00:33:40.029
That's where you thrive. Expression to the unique

00:33:40.740 --> 00:33:44.779
human potential. Yeah. That's powerful. You know,

00:33:45.200 --> 00:33:47.799
like being self expressed is probably one of

00:33:47.799 --> 00:33:50.720
the best things that human can be for themselves.

00:33:51.980 --> 00:33:55.640
And I know just for me that it works for me,

00:33:55.799 --> 00:33:58.200
right? Because, you know, there's moments when

00:33:58.200 --> 00:34:00.859
I'm like, you know, not expressive or and then

00:34:00.859 --> 00:34:03.160
I'm just kind of within but that doesn't work

00:34:03.160 --> 00:34:05.660
for me. And then, you know, I don't feel free.

00:34:06.039 --> 00:34:08.809
I don't feel like right. uh achieve the things

00:34:08.809 --> 00:34:11.530
that I or goals or the things that I'm setting

00:34:11.530 --> 00:34:14.610
up for myself and when I get self expressed,

00:34:15.090 --> 00:34:17.610
it's a whole different um outcome in a whole

00:34:17.610 --> 00:34:20.510
different world that shows up for me and you

00:34:20.510 --> 00:34:22.769
know, like you said, if you stuck it out this

00:34:22.769 --> 00:34:24.849
far in this conversation, you know, that's one

00:34:24.849 --> 00:34:26.329
of the post powerful things that you can take

00:34:26.329 --> 00:34:29.500
away is expression to the unique. human potential,

00:34:29.519 --> 00:34:32.300
which is what to yourself. Yeah. And let me clarify,

00:34:32.460 --> 00:34:34.260
Michael, just in case anybody's wondering or

00:34:34.260 --> 00:34:36.460
projecting. Oh, wow. Well, Michael and Christian,

00:34:36.719 --> 00:34:38.539
you know, they're different. It's like, wait

00:34:38.539 --> 00:34:41.400
a minute. No, slow down because I know self -doubt.

00:34:41.579 --> 00:34:45.019
I know self -hatred. My entire adolescence was

00:34:45.019 --> 00:34:47.179
one long depression. Like, you know, figure out

00:34:47.179 --> 00:34:51.280
this kid, you know, knowing he was gay, who thought

00:34:51.280 --> 00:34:53.199
he wanted to be a priest, who wanted to serve

00:34:53.199 --> 00:34:56.090
God, as I understood it then. and being told

00:34:56.090 --> 00:34:58.230
by that religion in which I was raised that I

00:34:58.230 --> 00:35:00.769
was going to that I was an abomination that I

00:35:00.769 --> 00:35:03.630
was going to burn in hell for eternity so you

00:35:03.630 --> 00:35:06.769
know suicidal fantasies and all that so I know

00:35:06.769 --> 00:35:11.389
if flash forward to today never ever ever do

00:35:11.389 --> 00:35:14.530
I feel self -doubt like no matter the circumstances

00:35:14.530 --> 00:35:17.750
whether a relationship works out or doesn't whether

00:35:17.750 --> 00:35:22.210
a project succeeds or it fails in quotes never

00:35:22.210 --> 00:35:25.659
ever ever do I question my sense of self My self

00:35:25.659 --> 00:35:28.639
-worth is unshakable. And I know if that can

00:35:28.639 --> 00:35:31.480
happen in me, that can happen in anybody. And

00:35:31.480 --> 00:35:33.019
yeah, it's going to take work. You can have to

00:35:33.019 --> 00:35:36.059
go within and figure out who you are and ask

00:35:36.059 --> 00:35:39.840
and face yourself and do whatever healing work

00:35:39.840 --> 00:35:42.679
you need to do to free yourself. Yeah, that's

00:35:42.679 --> 00:35:44.480
probably the first step of really, if you're

00:35:44.480 --> 00:35:47.340
in the world of survival, which, you know, it's

00:35:47.340 --> 00:35:50.800
common and you are looking at, you know, how

00:35:50.800 --> 00:35:53.579
do I thrive or how do I get into that world of

00:35:53.579 --> 00:35:56.369
thriving? Um, I was going to say Thrival, but

00:35:56.369 --> 00:35:58.289
I don't think it's a word, but it shows up somewhere.

00:35:59.590 --> 00:36:03.809
Maybe it should be a word. I love that. Man,

00:36:03.909 --> 00:36:06.449
Michael, I think he just coined a great word.

00:36:07.070 --> 00:36:10.570
Yeah, I'll take it. I'll take it. Um, you know,

00:36:10.650 --> 00:36:12.710
making that the first step is really going, going

00:36:12.710 --> 00:36:16.769
within and just really checking yourself, um,

00:36:17.010 --> 00:36:21.380
to make that next step. And so, uh, you You are

00:36:21.380 --> 00:36:25.659
TEDx stage you you're TEDx talker. Yeah, how

00:36:25.659 --> 00:36:28.179
was that experience? Well, and that's to that

00:36:28.179 --> 00:36:31.860
same point like as a teenager I was painfully

00:36:31.860 --> 00:36:35.320
painfully shy like I was okay one -on -one But

00:36:35.320 --> 00:36:38.039
if you added third human clamped up speaking

00:36:38.039 --> 00:36:40.619
in public in front of a group forget it not gonna

00:36:40.619 --> 00:36:44.760
happen And I knew and yet I knew that in order

00:36:44.760 --> 00:36:47.079
to express myself, in order to have a chance

00:36:47.079 --> 00:36:50.059
at thriving and fulfilling that human potential

00:36:50.059 --> 00:36:52.380
that we were talking about, I knew I had to get

00:36:52.380 --> 00:36:56.800
over it. I had to get over that fear. And, you

00:36:56.800 --> 00:37:00.500
know, managed to get through college without

00:37:00.500 --> 00:37:02.300
speaking in public. But then I said, well, I

00:37:02.300 --> 00:37:03.960
got to do something about this. So I signed up

00:37:03.960 --> 00:37:07.599
for a public speaking course. Hated it. Hated

00:37:07.599 --> 00:37:11.679
it because for 14 weeks on Thursday nights, I

00:37:11.679 --> 00:37:14.510
had to get up and give three two -minute speeches.

00:37:15.190 --> 00:37:17.670
Come Monday, I was already dreading it. But what

00:37:17.670 --> 00:37:19.929
happened? You know, after doing it and doing

00:37:19.929 --> 00:37:22.250
it again and doing it again three times a week

00:37:22.250 --> 00:37:24.610
for 14 weeks, it stopped being such a big deal.

00:37:25.269 --> 00:37:28.329
So I didn't know about this then, but there's

00:37:28.329 --> 00:37:30.369
a concept that I learned later, which is from

00:37:30.369 --> 00:37:34.829
a book titled by Susan Jeffers, Feel the Fear

00:37:34.829 --> 00:37:38.010
and Do It Anyway. And here it is in 30 seconds.

00:37:38.809 --> 00:37:42.429
Imagine a series of concentric circles. So this

00:37:42.429 --> 00:37:46.619
center circle, that represents our comfort zone.

00:37:46.940 --> 00:37:48.980
This is where we're comfortable now being in

00:37:48.980 --> 00:37:51.519
the world, being with each other, relating to

00:37:51.519 --> 00:37:54.800
others. Every time we take a little step and

00:37:54.800 --> 00:37:57.900
push beyond that comfort zone, we're stretching

00:37:57.900 --> 00:38:00.719
out that comfort zone. So if we would take that

00:38:00.719 --> 00:38:02.780
on, it doesn't have to be three times a week

00:38:02.780 --> 00:38:05.760
on Thursdays. But if we would make the commitment

00:38:05.760 --> 00:38:07.400
that every week we're going to do something,

00:38:07.639 --> 00:38:10.000
one thing that's going to push us out of that

00:38:10.000 --> 00:38:12.309
comfort zone. And it could be anything, right?

00:38:12.409 --> 00:38:14.130
It doesn't have to be huge. It could be a huge

00:38:14.130 --> 00:38:16.929
step, but it could be a little thing like saying

00:38:16.929 --> 00:38:19.969
yes and going on a coffee date or saying, yes,

00:38:20.010 --> 00:38:21.949
you know what, I am going to put my application

00:38:21.949 --> 00:38:25.070
for that, for that job that just came up in my

00:38:25.070 --> 00:38:28.050
company. Every time we, even if we don't get

00:38:28.050 --> 00:38:30.969
the job or even if the coffee date doesn't turn

00:38:30.969 --> 00:38:34.769
into anything, just by that act of pushing out

00:38:34.769 --> 00:38:36.869
and pushing out, we're pushing out our comfort

00:38:36.869 --> 00:38:40.750
zone and that's irreversible. by the end of 52

00:38:40.750 --> 00:38:44.650
weeks, we're gonna be way out here. Yeah, irreversible.

00:38:44.889 --> 00:38:46.849
Yeah, I like that word. I was just thinking,

00:38:47.329 --> 00:38:49.510
connecting what you're talking about to what

00:38:49.510 --> 00:38:51.510
I have to do in my business, which is a part

00:38:51.510 --> 00:38:56.289
of it is sales. And I had it that I hated sales.

00:38:56.590 --> 00:38:59.989
This is occurred to me. How it occurs to me is

00:38:59.989 --> 00:39:01.829
that, you know, it's just a thing that just don't

00:39:01.829 --> 00:39:04.929
like doing. But I had to shift my thought and

00:39:04.929 --> 00:39:08.849
mine, just the way I was being about it. and

00:39:08.849 --> 00:39:10.590
saying, you know what I'd like people are looking

00:39:10.590 --> 00:39:12.989
for answers and have an answer for you and just

00:39:12.989 --> 00:39:16.250
come that go into those conversations with authenticity

00:39:16.250 --> 00:39:20.030
and really listening for what they what they're

00:39:20.030 --> 00:39:22.889
looking for and if I have if I can serve them

00:39:22.889 --> 00:39:26.670
and support them then I'll do that. So when you

00:39:26.670 --> 00:39:29.010
when I have to get on a phone call and all that

00:39:29.010 --> 00:39:32.489
kind of good stuff like that's me opening opening

00:39:32.489 --> 00:39:35.949
up because man I'm telling you I hated it. And

00:39:35.949 --> 00:39:38.909
it's still a thing that I'm still building. I

00:39:38.909 --> 00:39:41.889
still resist that too. I get it. My heart goes,

00:39:41.909 --> 00:39:46.090
I feel you, man. I feel you. And yet you've got

00:39:46.090 --> 00:39:49.030
the right reframing, right? It's like, how dare

00:39:49.030 --> 00:39:52.570
us withhold the services, the wisdom, the skills,

00:39:52.769 --> 00:39:55.309
the practices, the programs that we have developed

00:39:55.309 --> 00:39:58.909
that we know, without a shadow of a doubt, can

00:39:58.909 --> 00:40:01.579
make a difference in somebody else's life. yes

00:40:01.579 --> 00:40:05.079
how dare we allow our fear our judgment about

00:40:05.079 --> 00:40:07.800
sales or our resistance to doing that get in

00:40:07.800 --> 00:40:11.480
the way of that for somebody else yeah don't

00:40:11.480 --> 00:40:17.539
do that don't do that um and what i thought was

00:40:17.539 --> 00:40:20.000
interesting i was looking at uh your information

00:40:20.000 --> 00:40:23.440
and you have a book uh is it conscious love and

00:40:23.440 --> 00:40:27.900
relationship healing yeah yeah um this is taking

00:40:27.900 --> 00:40:29.719
romantic for a little bit and we're talking about

00:40:29.719 --> 00:40:32.489
like how we relate to ourselves and others and

00:40:32.489 --> 00:40:35.070
purpose and things like that. And you talk about

00:40:35.070 --> 00:40:37.909
relationship, our relationship to relationships.

00:40:39.909 --> 00:40:42.010
Can you talk about that concept right there?

00:40:42.929 --> 00:40:46.190
Yeah. So part of what I did in the book, which

00:40:46.190 --> 00:40:48.889
is called Conscious Love, transforming our relationship

00:40:48.889 --> 00:40:51.250
to relationships, is about shifting the way that

00:40:51.250 --> 00:40:54.309
we approach relationships. Because if here to

00:40:54.309 --> 00:40:57.269
use one example, I use 10 different ways in which

00:40:57.269 --> 00:41:01.570
we get stuck. in relationship that we have relationships

00:41:01.570 --> 00:41:05.949
crap come up. The first one is basic right is

00:41:05.949 --> 00:41:08.510
if we're approaching the relationship, hoping,

00:41:08.909 --> 00:41:11.289
dreaming that it's going to complete us that

00:41:11.289 --> 00:41:14.349
is going to make us happy. Forget it. Right?

00:41:14.550 --> 00:41:16.710
Like we were like we were saying so those relationships

00:41:16.710 --> 00:41:19.489
are not going to work. And like we're talking

00:41:19.489 --> 00:41:22.869
about before, it's not fair to put that heavy

00:41:22.869 --> 00:41:25.630
responsibility on a relationship or another person.

00:41:25.769 --> 00:41:29.750
Right. I've got so much banking in this. My validation

00:41:29.750 --> 00:41:33.269
of my worth, my happiness as a human being, my

00:41:33.269 --> 00:41:36.670
possibility to thrive in life all depends on

00:41:36.670 --> 00:41:39.670
you and this relationship. Yikes. It's a big

00:41:39.670 --> 00:41:43.150
responsibility. So approaching a relationship

00:41:43.150 --> 00:41:48.809
consciously means that we know that only we are

00:41:48.809 --> 00:41:51.489
going to have the capacity to fulfill ourselves.

00:41:52.380 --> 00:41:55.800
that and that that that we don't need any external

00:41:55.800 --> 00:41:59.440
validation right that our worth is inherent and

00:41:59.440 --> 00:42:02.980
doesn't need to be proven like it's there what

00:42:02.980 --> 00:42:06.679
what the work is is to clear the crap that's

00:42:06.679 --> 00:42:08.860
gotten in the way of that all the conditioning

00:42:08.860 --> 00:42:11.460
all the misunderstandings that we picked up along

00:42:11.460 --> 00:42:14.179
the way from childhood right we misheard something

00:42:14.179 --> 00:42:16.260
or maybe a parent or a teacher said something

00:42:16.260 --> 00:42:18.199
to us the wrong way because there were in a moment

00:42:18.199 --> 00:42:20.199
of overwhelm i didn't know how to do it right

00:42:20.199 --> 00:42:24.760
right so we took it on as truth. Oh my god, I'm

00:42:24.760 --> 00:42:27.940
too much of this. Oh my god, I'm not smart enough.

00:42:28.199 --> 00:42:30.599
I'm not pretty enough. I'm not strong enough.

00:42:31.139 --> 00:42:33.559
Whatever, right? All the misunderstandings that

00:42:33.559 --> 00:42:36.800
we took on. And just because that was said, or

00:42:36.800 --> 00:42:39.619
we heard it that way, doesn't make it true. It

00:42:39.619 --> 00:42:42.380
doesn't make it real. So that's part of the process

00:42:42.380 --> 00:42:46.340
of freeing ourselves is questioning all those

00:42:46.340 --> 00:42:49.000
beliefs that we have about ourselves. And in

00:42:49.000 --> 00:42:52.130
some cases, like getting clear because a lot

00:42:52.130 --> 00:42:56.389
of that stuff we suppressed and repressed, it

00:42:56.389 --> 00:42:59.750
was too much to handle. Right? So if we took

00:42:59.750 --> 00:43:01.590
on a belief like I'm not good enough, I'm not

00:43:01.590 --> 00:43:03.989
worthy of love as a kid, like, wow, that's a

00:43:03.989 --> 00:43:06.849
lot for a little young mind to handle. So we

00:43:06.849 --> 00:43:08.909
suppress it. But just because we suppress it,

00:43:09.050 --> 00:43:11.949
it doesn't go away. That belief has been working

00:43:11.949 --> 00:43:14.570
and impacting every one of our relationships

00:43:14.570 --> 00:43:18.929
from the get go because we end up settling. That's

00:43:18.929 --> 00:43:21.670
another way in which we get in stuff in problem

00:43:21.670 --> 00:43:25.429
with relationship, we settle. We know this is

00:43:25.429 --> 00:43:27.769
not a good match. It doesn't mean we're better

00:43:27.769 --> 00:43:29.030
than it. It doesn't mean we're worse than it.

00:43:29.030 --> 00:43:31.489
We just know it's not a good match, but we override

00:43:31.489 --> 00:43:34.769
the red flags. We think, oh, I can rescue them.

00:43:34.769 --> 00:43:39.130
I can fix them. Then we override all those red

00:43:39.130 --> 00:43:42.429
flags. How does that work out? It never works

00:43:42.429 --> 00:43:48.219
out. It doesn't. Never. It can't. So, but it

00:43:48.219 --> 00:43:52.199
begins from that misunderstanding of devaluing

00:43:52.199 --> 00:43:54.960
ourselves, of not really seeing our own worth.

00:43:56.039 --> 00:44:00.099
Yeah. There's a lot of things that happen in

00:44:00.099 --> 00:44:03.239
our older years that may have caused that is

00:44:03.239 --> 00:44:05.820
because of things that we misinterpreted or misunderstood

00:44:05.820 --> 00:44:08.360
or what we thought was happening in our younger

00:44:08.360 --> 00:44:10.900
years. When you were telling, when you were saying

00:44:10.900 --> 00:44:13.239
that, I was remembering a story, not a story,

00:44:13.260 --> 00:44:18.840
but a moment when I was in middle school and

00:44:18.840 --> 00:44:21.699
a teacher this is you know back when we used

00:44:21.699 --> 00:44:26.039
to have a home economics and um i don't know

00:44:26.039 --> 00:44:28.860
if they still have it but um i doubt it but anyway

00:44:28.860 --> 00:44:32.619
she i remember her name i go say it i don't know

00:44:32.619 --> 00:44:36.239
if she's around anymore but um she called me

00:44:36.239 --> 00:44:40.380
lazy she said you're just lazy right for some

00:44:40.380 --> 00:44:43.360
reason that stuck with me and even if I forgot

00:44:43.360 --> 00:44:45.739
about it like that was a thing that stuck with

00:44:45.739 --> 00:44:50.039
me for so long. And probably until like maybe

00:44:50.039 --> 00:44:52.539
four years ago. I was in a conversation with

00:44:52.539 --> 00:44:55.360
somebody else and she had to she had to just

00:44:55.360 --> 00:44:57.059
bring me back to that moment and she was like

00:44:57.059 --> 00:44:59.179
your love you're appreciated you're not late

00:44:59.179 --> 00:45:00.960
you know she didn't say you're not lazy but she

00:45:00.960 --> 00:45:03.320
gave me all the great attributes of who I was

00:45:03.320 --> 00:45:07.360
but though the moments like that really ran.

00:45:08.039 --> 00:45:11.079
my relationships with people and my life. That's

00:45:11.079 --> 00:45:13.639
exactly right. That's a beautiful example of

00:45:13.639 --> 00:45:18.340
things that somebody said. Maybe they had good

00:45:18.340 --> 00:45:20.699
intentions. Maybe her intention was like, if

00:45:20.699 --> 00:45:22.960
we're going to be generous, maybe she was trying

00:45:22.960 --> 00:45:26.840
to get you to work more in school. But to label

00:45:26.840 --> 00:45:30.179
it lazy and to tell a kid that, that is so not

00:45:30.179 --> 00:45:33.559
right. That's wrong. Rather than understanding

00:45:33.559 --> 00:45:36.289
what's going on with them. Maybe he's having

00:45:36.289 --> 00:45:38.630
trouble at home. Maybe he's not getting enough

00:45:38.630 --> 00:45:41.130
sleep. Maybe whatever, not enough food. Maybe

00:45:41.130 --> 00:45:43.769
he doesn't have support to do his homework. Whatever

00:45:43.769 --> 00:45:47.269
it is, there could be 20, 30, 40, 50 reasons

00:45:47.269 --> 00:45:50.190
why he wasn't doing the homework. And to label

00:45:50.190 --> 00:45:52.949
it lazy is just not... I hope that teachers aren't

00:45:52.949 --> 00:45:55.630
doing that kind of stuff anymore. Yeah, I hope

00:45:55.630 --> 00:45:59.429
not. But yeah, it is so crazy because years later...

00:45:59.500 --> 00:46:01.500
Here I am talking about it still, you know, it

00:46:01.500 --> 00:46:03.699
doesn't affect me the same way because I've done

00:46:03.699 --> 00:46:08.400
the work. And, um, you know, I'm okay. You know,

00:46:08.400 --> 00:46:15.079
um, I know who I am. Um, and yeah, of course

00:46:15.079 --> 00:46:17.440
we wouldn't be having this conversation here

00:46:17.440 --> 00:46:19.400
and you wouldn't be producing a past podcast

00:46:19.400 --> 00:46:24.139
if you were not even because dyslexia, dyslexia

00:46:24.139 --> 00:46:26.599
is another one. I know friends who were dyslexic

00:46:26.599 --> 00:46:29.929
coming up and the teachers told them all sorts

00:46:29.929 --> 00:46:33.449
of negative crap. Yeah, it had nothing to do

00:46:33.449 --> 00:46:35.530
with with their ability to read or they're wanting

00:46:35.530 --> 00:46:37.730
to read or lack of interest. It's just they were

00:46:37.730 --> 00:46:40.829
they saw things in a different way. Yeah, right.

00:46:41.250 --> 00:46:45.110
You know, I was, I was just listening to someone

00:46:45.110 --> 00:46:48.150
I can't remember. But they, they were talking

00:46:48.150 --> 00:46:51.090
about this, their dyslexia, dyslexia, I can't

00:46:51.090 --> 00:46:56.130
even say it. And how it really affected them.

00:46:56.550 --> 00:46:59.829
But, but, you know, their mom knew that he was

00:46:59.829 --> 00:47:02.989
dyslexic, but didn't tell him until he found

00:47:02.989 --> 00:47:05.349
out like, I don't know, a note or whatever it

00:47:05.349 --> 00:47:07.570
was. But she didn't tell him because she didn't

00:47:07.570 --> 00:47:11.309
want him to use that as a crutch. Right. And

00:47:11.309 --> 00:47:14.670
I think that was good. But I think that's also

00:47:14.670 --> 00:47:17.429
like, kind of like the pushing it down kind of

00:47:17.429 --> 00:47:19.710
thing and not really facing it. And I'm with

00:47:19.710 --> 00:47:25.250
you. Yeah. And I would give the kid whatever

00:47:25.250 --> 00:47:29.239
information he needs to know about himself. herself.

00:47:30.300 --> 00:47:33.500
Trust the trust the kid to handle it. Yeah. Trust

00:47:33.500 --> 00:47:38.559
them to handle it and I was looking over it again

00:47:38.559 --> 00:47:41.460
notes here. Um we're talking about you're talking

00:47:41.460 --> 00:47:44.820
about love uh love unconsciously. How do you

00:47:44.820 --> 00:47:47.619
how do how does someone in the relationship like

00:47:47.619 --> 00:47:50.179
when they get well first of all all that those

00:47:50.179 --> 00:47:51.659
stories and all that kind of stuff that you're

00:47:51.659 --> 00:47:53.539
talking about like how do they get all that stuff

00:47:53.539 --> 00:47:56.300
out of the way? Well I mean the first step is

00:47:56.300 --> 00:47:59.769
becoming aware of it. Yeah, right like like you

00:47:59.769 --> 00:48:01.809
having that awareness about that story about

00:48:01.809 --> 00:48:03.769
having been called lazy and the way that had

00:48:03.769 --> 00:48:08.110
stuck in your head Like from in many many cases

00:48:08.110 --> 00:48:10.289
I see it come up in breath work all the time

00:48:10.289 --> 00:48:12.550
because breath work kind of clears the stuff

00:48:12.550 --> 00:48:16.469
that's been suppressed and I see it happen all

00:48:16.469 --> 00:48:18.730
the time and and you know talking about people

00:48:18.730 --> 00:48:23.889
with who are successful professionally Who who

00:48:23.889 --> 00:48:27.289
you know incredibly doing incredibly well financially

00:48:27.289 --> 00:48:31.909
in the eyes of the world and yet Deep down inside

00:48:31.909 --> 00:48:34.090
and they're still struggling with relationships

00:48:34.090 --> 00:48:37.309
Why is that? Why is that the area that that people

00:48:37.309 --> 00:48:40.409
who've done spiritual practice who meditate they

00:48:40.409 --> 00:48:44.400
still struggle with with relationships So and

00:48:44.400 --> 00:48:47.019
part of the reason is because we we have so many

00:48:47.019 --> 00:48:49.960
so much relational crap that we've taken on so

00:48:49.960 --> 00:48:53.300
many unconscious beliefs about ourselves about

00:48:53.300 --> 00:48:56.940
love We have so many wounds that we haven't done

00:48:56.940 --> 00:48:59.699
the work of healing and so all we carry all that

00:48:59.699 --> 00:49:02.079
unhealed past into our present relationships

00:49:02.079 --> 00:49:05.059
And if we're not self -aware, then we start projecting

00:49:05.059 --> 00:49:07.599
that stuff on one another and throwing it on

00:49:07.599 --> 00:49:11.380
each other's lap And that's another one of the

00:49:11.380 --> 00:49:13.480
reasons that we get into trouble with relationships.

00:49:13.880 --> 00:49:16.480
That's another one of the 10. So how do we do

00:49:16.480 --> 00:49:19.800
it? First step is become aware, right? Ask yourself

00:49:19.800 --> 00:49:22.900
the hard questions. Start looking at patterns.

00:49:24.719 --> 00:49:27.440
Use other humans as mirrors, right? We all have

00:49:27.440 --> 00:49:29.480
blind spots. So there's parts of us that we're

00:49:29.480 --> 00:49:32.980
never gonna see. But if you're in a relationship,

00:49:33.039 --> 00:49:34.360
and this could be any relationship, it could

00:49:34.360 --> 00:49:37.119
be a sibling, could be a coworker, whatever they

00:49:37.119 --> 00:49:40.429
do, The more that whatever they do gets us, triggers

00:49:40.429 --> 00:49:43.789
us, pisses us off, the clearer the sign is that

00:49:43.789 --> 00:49:47.710
we're doing that in some other way. So if it's

00:49:47.710 --> 00:49:50.690
there, it's here. And the details could be completely

00:49:50.690 --> 00:49:54.909
different. So let me give you an example. Some

00:49:54.909 --> 00:49:57.170
years ago, I was dating somebody, started dating

00:49:57.170 --> 00:50:00.849
somebody and all of a sudden started not showing

00:50:00.849 --> 00:50:05.460
up. Like no, didn't show up for dates, no. No

00:50:05.460 --> 00:50:09.079
emails, no texts, no calls, nothing. I didn't

00:50:09.079 --> 00:50:11.059
get it, right? Because I was like focused over

00:50:11.059 --> 00:50:13.659
there. What's going on with him? Call them at

00:50:13.659 --> 00:50:15.300
work. He's not working there. So there's a drugs

00:50:15.300 --> 00:50:18.460
that he got fired. I didn't get it. So subconsciously

00:50:18.460 --> 00:50:22.340
had to create a different situation. I was in

00:50:22.340 --> 00:50:25.559
order for me to get what was going on. So I was

00:50:25.559 --> 00:50:29.230
trying to. set up to communicate with a literary

00:50:29.230 --> 00:50:31.590
agent that I was working with at the time, who

00:50:31.590 --> 00:50:34.030
was great about communications usually, like

00:50:34.030 --> 00:50:37.469
she'd get back to me within 24, 48 hours. A week

00:50:37.469 --> 00:50:40.190
went by and I hadn't heard from her. Okay, that

00:50:40.190 --> 00:50:42.530
got my attention, right? Two people, different

00:50:42.530 --> 00:50:45.409
walks of life, kind of doing the same thing,

00:50:45.590 --> 00:50:48.190
right? But because these are blind spots, let's

00:50:48.190 --> 00:50:50.150
focus on the projection first. What are they

00:50:50.150 --> 00:50:52.809
doing, right? So what were they doing? They weren't

00:50:52.809 --> 00:50:55.610
showing up. They weren't doing what they said

00:50:55.610 --> 00:50:58.280
they would do. They weren't keeping their agreements.

00:50:58.559 --> 00:51:01.280
They weren't keeping their word. So therefore,

00:51:01.400 --> 00:51:03.840
they were out of integrity, right? Easy to see

00:51:03.840 --> 00:51:07.760
over there. Turn that mirror around, you know,

00:51:07.800 --> 00:51:09.820
the mirror that we flash in front of, like we

00:51:09.820 --> 00:51:12.500
shove in front of somebody's face as you do this,

00:51:12.639 --> 00:51:15.860
right? Turn that around. How do I do that? It

00:51:15.860 --> 00:51:18.320
took me a few days because I was looking in the

00:51:18.320 --> 00:51:20.340
wrong place. I was looking in relationship to

00:51:20.340 --> 00:51:23.809
others. Am I keeping my agreement? Yeah. Am I

00:51:23.809 --> 00:51:26.429
showing up in that relationship? Yes. Am I doing

00:51:26.429 --> 00:51:29.309
what I said I would do? Yes. And then it hit

00:51:29.309 --> 00:51:33.570
me in relationship to my writing. How many times

00:51:33.570 --> 00:51:35.750
that I said to myself, I'm going to finish that

00:51:35.750 --> 00:51:38.829
chapter by such and such a day. Did I do it?

00:51:38.929 --> 00:51:40.929
No. I was doing other important stuff. I was

00:51:40.929 --> 00:51:42.909
doing retreats, traveling, whatever, coaching,

00:51:43.070 --> 00:51:46.730
whatever. But I wasn't showing up for my writing.

00:51:47.139 --> 00:51:49.820
I wasn't keeping my agreement with myself. Nobody

00:51:49.820 --> 00:51:52.920
else knew about this in relationship to my writing.

00:51:53.519 --> 00:51:55.639
And all I had to do was bring consciousness to

00:51:55.639 --> 00:51:57.639
it, right? I didn't have to finish that book.

00:51:57.679 --> 00:51:59.460
I could say, you know what? I'm not going to

00:51:59.460 --> 00:52:01.619
finish it. Or I could say to myself, you know

00:52:01.619 --> 00:52:05.440
what? Extend the deadline. Another 60 days, another

00:52:05.440 --> 00:52:08.800
90 days, whatever. But I was doing none of that.

00:52:09.039 --> 00:52:11.320
I wasn't showing up and I was like trying to

00:52:11.320 --> 00:52:14.179
sweep it away, sweep it under the rug. But the

00:52:14.179 --> 00:52:16.400
minute, not the minute, within the hour, and

00:52:16.400 --> 00:52:18.500
that part I'm not exaggerating, within the hour

00:52:18.500 --> 00:52:21.320
of me having that insight and making that choice

00:52:21.320 --> 00:52:27.119
about my writing, they both called. So no longer

00:52:27.119 --> 00:52:30.260
that I need to create external drama in my life,

00:52:30.960 --> 00:52:33.679
to face myself and make a choice, you know, dude,

00:52:33.760 --> 00:52:37.559
write or not, but make a choice. You're bringing

00:52:37.559 --> 00:52:39.760
whatever was happening subconsciously, you make

00:52:39.760 --> 00:52:43.260
it, brought it to the conscience. conscious.

00:52:44.840 --> 00:52:52.079
So, when you're in relationships, can you will

00:52:52.079 --> 00:52:54.420
you say that like if you talk about blind spots

00:52:54.420 --> 00:52:56.340
and things like that and you're in relationships,

00:52:56.840 --> 00:53:00.300
the people that are in your world or closest

00:53:00.300 --> 00:53:02.579
to you or maybe pop in or pop out or however

00:53:02.579 --> 00:53:05.719
it goes, there are reflections of you and if

00:53:05.719 --> 00:53:07.760
it's something happening that's not really in

00:53:07.760 --> 00:53:12.300
alignment, you can kind of mirror those relationships

00:53:12.300 --> 00:53:15.659
and really look at yourself and seeing what's

00:53:15.659 --> 00:53:17.780
what's not working and what's actually happening

00:53:17.780 --> 00:53:24.340
with with you. Exactly. Exactly. And then. Yeah,

00:53:24.539 --> 00:53:27.199
everybody, everybody. And of course, who's going

00:53:27.199 --> 00:53:29.400
to get us the most? Those who are closest to

00:53:29.400 --> 00:53:31.480
us. You know, family, siblings, lovers, those

00:53:31.480 --> 00:53:34.099
are the ones that get us the most. But if we

00:53:34.099 --> 00:53:36.480
approach it with this, rather than pointing the

00:53:36.480 --> 00:53:38.599
finger and making wrong and you do this, you

00:53:38.599 --> 00:53:41.000
always do that, you never do this, right? That's

00:53:41.000 --> 00:53:43.519
not going to do anybody any good. The more that

00:53:43.519 --> 00:53:45.440
we point the finger, the other person just shuts

00:53:45.440 --> 00:53:47.739
down and defends and points the finger right

00:53:47.739 --> 00:53:50.119
back. But that's not true. And you do that and

00:53:50.119 --> 00:53:51.579
you also do that, right? And then it becomes

00:53:51.579 --> 00:53:53.800
an argument. and a fight, and a power struggle.

00:53:54.619 --> 00:53:57.940
If we, and with clear boundaries, right, if somebody's

00:53:57.940 --> 00:54:00.039
behavior is doing something that is impacting

00:54:00.039 --> 00:54:03.579
us, of course, we speak up. But we do it in a

00:54:03.579 --> 00:54:05.880
different way, right? Rather than pointing the

00:54:05.880 --> 00:54:08.380
finger, like, you don't care about me, you only

00:54:08.380 --> 00:54:10.619
care about yourself, or you only care about your

00:54:10.619 --> 00:54:13.659
schedule, not mine, right? That's only gonna

00:54:13.659 --> 00:54:16.760
lead to argument. So frame it in the way, when

00:54:16.760 --> 00:54:21.869
you do X, I feel Y. Right, like own it. Like,

00:54:21.929 --> 00:54:24.849
what is it that's really going on? Like, say

00:54:24.849 --> 00:54:30.050
that I have an ongoing lunch with Mary and Mary's

00:54:30.050 --> 00:54:35.090
always late. And what we end up doing is sitting

00:54:35.090 --> 00:54:36.809
there waiting for Mary. It's like, shit, she

00:54:36.809 --> 00:54:38.949
is so selfish and she never shows up on time.

00:54:39.190 --> 00:54:42.849
She only cares about her own schedule. And then

00:54:42.849 --> 00:54:46.130
Mary shows up and we put on a fake smile because

00:54:46.130 --> 00:54:48.710
we hate confrontations. And then the sarcasm

00:54:48.710 --> 00:54:52.360
starts to drip in now. to the side of our, the

00:54:52.360 --> 00:54:56.679
covert jabs. But that's not gonna help, right?

00:54:57.019 --> 00:54:59.760
So we have to own that it's our stuff. Like maybe

00:54:59.760 --> 00:55:02.079
you have lunch with Mary, Mary shows up late

00:55:02.079 --> 00:55:04.360
and you're like, great, I have 20 minutes. Let

00:55:04.360 --> 00:55:06.960
me return that phone call. Catch up on the news,

00:55:07.360 --> 00:55:09.599
right? There's so many ways to respond to Mary's

00:55:09.599 --> 00:55:12.619
lateness. Why does it bother me so much? And

00:55:12.619 --> 00:55:15.300
it doesn't excuse her lateness. That's a different

00:55:15.300 --> 00:55:19.050
conversation. But if I... scratch under the surface

00:55:19.050 --> 00:55:21.969
of Mary's lateness, of my feelings to Mary's

00:55:21.969 --> 00:55:24.610
lateness, it's like I'm probably going to look

00:55:24.610 --> 00:55:27.550
something like I'm not feeling valued. I'm not

00:55:27.550 --> 00:55:31.889
feeling respected. I'm not feeling worthy. And

00:55:31.889 --> 00:55:35.769
those feelings are way older than my lunches

00:55:35.769 --> 00:55:39.309
with Mary. And that's where I have, once I do

00:55:39.309 --> 00:55:41.389
that work and ask myself what is really going

00:55:41.389 --> 00:55:44.389
on? What am I feeling here? underneath the anger

00:55:44.389 --> 00:55:46.889
about her lateness or those deeper feelings,

00:55:46.969 --> 00:55:50.090
then I can do something about them. And once

00:55:50.090 --> 00:55:52.750
I heal what's underneath it, you know, the feeling

00:55:52.750 --> 00:55:54.849
not good enough, feeling not respected, feeling

00:55:54.849 --> 00:55:59.489
not worthy, then I'm free. Mary can show up late,

00:55:59.789 --> 00:56:01.769
anybody can show up late, and I can make some

00:56:01.769 --> 00:56:05.389
clear choices. Like say to Mary, Mary, I love

00:56:05.389 --> 00:56:07.289
our friendship and I love our weekly lunches,

00:56:07.289 --> 00:56:09.389
but I got to tell you, when you show up late,

00:56:09.949 --> 00:56:13.840
I don't feel valued. I don't feel like my time

00:56:13.840 --> 00:56:16.199
is being valued and I don't like those feelings.

00:56:16.679 --> 00:56:18.880
Can we do this a different way? Right? And I'm

00:56:18.880 --> 00:56:22.019
owning that as my stuff. I'm not exonerating

00:56:22.019 --> 00:56:24.320
her. I'm bringing it up for discussion. And then

00:56:24.320 --> 00:56:27.739
I can make a choice. If Mary continues showing

00:56:27.739 --> 00:56:30.199
up late, then I can make a choice about that

00:56:30.199 --> 00:56:33.099
because Mary's obviously not valuing my request

00:56:33.099 --> 00:56:38.269
and my preference. that's that's some transformation

00:56:38.269 --> 00:56:42.070
right there uh within within yourself and then

00:56:42.070 --> 00:56:44.469
it depends on the relationship that too as well

00:56:44.469 --> 00:56:49.110
um and you know it's a practice right the whole

00:56:49.110 --> 00:56:52.989
transformation thing and how do how do uh people

00:56:52.989 --> 00:56:58.130
sustain their their transformation to to themselves

00:56:58.130 --> 00:57:01.789
and relationships when it does begin to transform

00:57:01.789 --> 00:57:04.489
i think some of this stuff is irreversible i

00:57:04.489 --> 00:57:08.219
really do once we get to the core, right, to

00:57:08.219 --> 00:57:11.059
the core of the stuff, the misunderstanding,

00:57:11.260 --> 00:57:13.500
the lie that we're not worthy, that we don't

00:57:13.500 --> 00:57:15.199
deserve respect, that we don't deserve to be

00:57:15.199 --> 00:57:17.880
loved, right? That misunderstanding. There are

00:57:17.880 --> 00:57:20.440
ways with practices like breath work that once

00:57:20.440 --> 00:57:23.900
it clears, it clears permanently. There may still

00:57:23.900 --> 00:57:27.019
be some behavioral habits, you know, just because

00:57:27.019 --> 00:57:28.900
we've been doing things for a certain way all

00:57:28.900 --> 00:57:31.059
our lives. So it might take a while for the behavior

00:57:31.059 --> 00:57:35.309
to catch up with the new identity. Um, so part

00:57:35.309 --> 00:57:37.690
of it is becoming really present, right? And

00:57:37.690 --> 00:57:41.050
rather than going through life, distracting ourselves

00:57:41.050 --> 00:57:45.130
and running away from, from looking at ourselves

00:57:45.130 --> 00:57:47.869
and why we do the things we do, like become present,

00:57:48.110 --> 00:57:50.750
like observe yourself going through life. Are

00:57:50.750 --> 00:57:53.050
you, are you recoiling when somebody does or

00:57:53.050 --> 00:57:55.389
say something? Are you feeling anxious when somebody

00:57:55.389 --> 00:57:57.789
does or say something? What is that? Are you

00:57:57.789 --> 00:58:00.590
feeling reactive when somebody does or say something?

00:58:00.769 --> 00:58:02.989
What did that trigger? And rather than reacting.

00:58:03.699 --> 00:58:05.639
Besit with it and ask yourself what's really

00:58:05.639 --> 00:58:07.840
going on here? What am I feeling and what's underneath

00:58:07.840 --> 00:58:10.019
it? Right? What's underneath the anger? What's

00:58:10.019 --> 00:58:13.519
underneath the defensiveness? Because it's always

00:58:13.519 --> 00:58:17.380
going to be less than we thought it was it feels

00:58:17.380 --> 00:58:20.139
Scary because because it's scary to that young

00:58:20.139 --> 00:58:23.679
little mind right who was told That they were

00:58:23.679 --> 00:58:25.599
lazy or that they weren't smart enough that they

00:58:25.599 --> 00:58:28.820
weren't good enough whatever they were told And

00:58:28.820 --> 00:58:31.480
we suppress that stuff, but it's been growing

00:58:31.480 --> 00:58:33.420
under the surface and becoming much bigger than

00:58:33.420 --> 00:58:36.900
it actually is. Yeah. Much bigger. Deal with

00:58:36.900 --> 00:58:41.159
it. Deal with it. It's so worth it to deal with

00:58:41.159 --> 00:58:44.659
it. It's so worth it. It is. Because what I find

00:58:44.659 --> 00:58:48.900
is when you deal with it, there's freedom. Yes.

00:58:48.920 --> 00:58:53.699
That comes. Yes. Yeah. And dealing with it and

00:58:53.699 --> 00:58:56.260
bringing freedom actually bring gives you access

00:58:56.260 --> 00:59:00.079
to more things in your life and um it's it's

00:59:00.079 --> 00:59:02.179
you talk about you're like you're your soul power

00:59:02.179 --> 00:59:07.860
yeah um that i think um yes sir there's freedom

00:59:07.860 --> 00:59:11.079
and there's power in the in dealing with it freedom

00:59:11.079 --> 00:59:14.579
and power yeah um i'm struggling because i want

00:59:14.579 --> 00:59:22.260
to continue but i hadn't noticed either um so

00:59:22.889 --> 00:59:25.329
So we're going to wrap up because it is an hour

00:59:25.329 --> 00:59:29.130
and I know how our audience, it's about this

00:59:29.130 --> 00:59:32.630
time when it's like, okay, it's time to move

00:59:32.630 --> 00:59:34.250
and watch something else or whatever they're

00:59:34.250 --> 00:59:38.530
doing, or listen to something else. YouTube and

00:59:38.530 --> 00:59:42.690
podcasts and all that kind of stuff. But I'm

00:59:42.690 --> 00:59:45.309
really curious to know like, I mean, you're a

00:59:45.309 --> 00:59:48.949
transpersonal coach, you do one -on -one coaching

00:59:48.949 --> 00:59:52.280
and all things like that, yes? Yes, I do individual

00:59:52.280 --> 00:59:54.579
one -on -one work and I also do retreats, group

00:59:54.579 --> 00:59:59.000
work. You do retreats. In all of your transformation,

01:00:00.380 --> 01:00:02.980
what was the biggest thing that you've gotten

01:00:02.980 --> 01:00:08.039
since just through your journey to where you

01:00:08.039 --> 01:00:10.820
are now? Well, there are two constants. I do

01:00:10.820 --> 01:00:13.079
a lot of different retreats on different themes.

01:00:13.829 --> 01:00:16.090
relationships, conscious relationships, relationships

01:00:16.090 --> 01:00:19.050
that have a chance of working, personal empowerment.

01:00:19.250 --> 01:00:21.909
I work with women specifically about women's

01:00:21.909 --> 01:00:25.710
empowerment. Talk about life purpose. Constant,

01:00:25.750 --> 01:00:28.010
there are two constants to every one of those

01:00:28.010 --> 01:00:31.090
retreats. One of them is understanding the ego

01:00:31.090 --> 01:00:33.469
mind. Because if, to me, there's no way around

01:00:33.469 --> 01:00:35.110
that if you want to be free, if you want to be

01:00:35.110 --> 01:00:37.590
in your power, if you want to have a relationship

01:00:37.590 --> 01:00:39.769
that have a chance of working, if you want to

01:00:39.769 --> 01:00:41.550
have a life that is filled with meaning and with

01:00:41.550 --> 01:00:44.440
purpose, you've got to understand. I don't see

01:00:44.440 --> 01:00:46.480
a way around that, understanding the ego and

01:00:46.480 --> 01:00:48.219
how it works. And there's a lot of confusion

01:00:48.219 --> 01:00:51.179
about that, right? We think ego means arrogance,

01:00:51.539 --> 01:00:54.239
inflated sense of self. And it does, but it means

01:00:54.239 --> 01:00:57.179
a whole lot more than that, right? So all that

01:00:57.179 --> 01:01:00.579
defensiveness, the reactivity, that all goes

01:01:00.579 --> 01:01:03.800
back to the ego. And in the previous book, Awakening

01:01:03.800 --> 01:01:05.860
the Soul Power, I spent probably the first fifth

01:01:05.860 --> 01:01:07.679
of the book, quarter of the book, explaining

01:01:07.679 --> 01:01:10.539
and talking, getting into the ego. So it's there.

01:01:10.619 --> 01:01:14.000
It's out there or come to any of my retreats,

01:01:14.000 --> 01:01:18.000
and you'll figure that out. And then the second

01:01:18.000 --> 01:01:20.619
question is breath work. That's the other constant,

01:01:20.880 --> 01:01:24.280
because all that unhealed stuff, all that traumatic

01:01:24.280 --> 01:01:27.239
stuff, all those misunderstandings that we picked

01:01:27.239 --> 01:01:30.199
up along the way, they get cleared, they get

01:01:30.199 --> 01:01:33.119
healed, and I've witnessed it countless times.

01:01:33.179 --> 01:01:35.480
And I know it's hard to believe that just by

01:01:35.480 --> 01:01:37.820
breathing, that stuff can happen. And it's a

01:01:37.820 --> 01:01:39.300
particular style of breathing. You breathe for

01:01:39.300 --> 01:01:41.579
about an hour, an hour and a half. and amazing

01:01:41.579 --> 01:01:46.480
stuff happens. And I can't argue with the results.

01:01:46.519 --> 01:01:51.340
It works. Lives change. Lives change. Man, Christian,

01:01:52.159 --> 01:01:53.840
first of all, thank you for being on the podcast.

01:01:53.920 --> 01:01:57.119
Thank you for being just extraordinary. And within

01:01:57.119 --> 01:02:01.320
this conversation, you've given away a lot of

01:02:01.320 --> 01:02:04.340
powerful tools that people just from the conversation

01:02:04.340 --> 01:02:07.320
could take and use in their lives. But I believe,

01:02:07.599 --> 01:02:09.219
and I've never been, but I believe you would

01:02:09.219 --> 01:02:13.619
have a powerful retreat and some powerful books,

01:02:13.880 --> 01:02:19.440
which I'm already ordering. But how do people

01:02:19.440 --> 01:02:22.139
get in touch with you if they want to come to

01:02:22.139 --> 01:02:24.760
retreat or get books from you? Thank you for

01:02:24.760 --> 01:02:26.420
asking that. And thank you for having me on the

01:02:26.420 --> 01:02:28.420
show, Michael. And thank you for having the show.

01:02:28.619 --> 01:02:31.519
I loved The conversation, I love the back and

01:02:31.519 --> 01:02:33.820
forth. I love the depth of your questions and

01:02:33.820 --> 01:02:36.159
your own experiences and your humility and sharing

01:02:36.159 --> 01:02:39.119
some of your own personal experiences. I really

01:02:39.119 --> 01:02:42.360
appreciate that. And to me, that's leadership.

01:02:42.840 --> 01:02:46.280
That's authentic leadership. In terms of how

01:02:46.280 --> 01:02:48.280
to reach me, probably my website is the best

01:02:48.280 --> 01:02:51.099
way to do that. From there, they can access my

01:02:51.099 --> 01:02:55.340
email or my social media. The website is soulfulpower

01:02:55.340 --> 01:03:01.500
.com. S O U L F U L P O W E R dot com and I look

01:03:01.500 --> 01:03:03.260
forward to hearing from from them and I look

01:03:03.260 --> 01:03:06.539
forward to to stay connected with you. I do appreciate

01:03:06.539 --> 01:03:09.440
it yet likewise and I mean this is it's been

01:03:09.440 --> 01:03:13.800
extraordinary. Um it's been I didn't expect this

01:03:13.800 --> 01:03:17.119
kind of emotion to uh play out in this conversation

01:03:17.119 --> 01:03:20.119
but I'm glad it did um because these are kind

01:03:20.119 --> 01:03:22.019
of conversations that really make a difference

01:03:22.019 --> 01:03:27.759
and can begin somebody's journey on their transformative

01:03:27.759 --> 01:03:30.860
journey themselves. So again, I want to say thank

01:03:30.860 --> 01:03:33.159
you for being on the podcast. And we do have

01:03:33.159 --> 01:03:36.460
a question the question for people that are watching

01:03:36.460 --> 01:03:39.960
on YouTube. We talked about playing small in

01:03:39.960 --> 01:03:41.980
the beginning of the podcast and like we're in

01:03:41.980 --> 01:03:44.500
your life. You are playing you or you're playing

01:03:44.500 --> 01:03:47.400
small and you want to make that shift. And so

01:03:47.400 --> 01:03:49.380
just what's the bullet step that you're going

01:03:49.380 --> 01:03:52.739
to take to really make that shift? And if you

01:03:52.739 --> 01:03:56.800
don't know I believe his retreat may be a good

01:03:56.800 --> 01:04:00.539
answer. So do that, leave it in the comments.

01:04:01.320 --> 01:04:04.880
And again, Christian, thank you so much. Thank

01:04:04.880 --> 01:04:08.039
you, Michael. And as we always say, let's make

01:04:08.039 --> 01:04:10.699
thriving our new normal. And we'll talk soon.