Welcome back, everybody. Hey, it is Food for
Thought Thoughts. If it were you, this is Neogentrics.
I know it's been a while since you guys heard
from me last time. I've had a lot of stuff going
on between school, work, being sick for almost
a month. Yeah, that last one took a big hit,
trust me. It's like starting over again. But
hey, I'm back. Here we are. We're going to continue
where we left off. I don't remember what the
last thing was we were discussing. But I will
pick another topic. We'll keep going from there.
And then I'll read through all the suggestions
that everyone has sent me. And I'll pick one
and we'll move on from there. So one of the things
that was requested that someone asked me to do
was friendship. What is friendship? Well, let's
see here. I do believe off the top of my head.
Friendship, by definition, is the emotional or
conduct of friends, state of being friends, or
how do I put it? It's a state of mutual trust
and support between people. That's probably the
simplest way I can put that without it sounding
weird. Honestly, there's a lot of things that
factor into being friends. I mean, keeping in
mind, there's a lot of people out there that
consider themselves to be friends, but in reality,
there probably aren't. Like, how do I give this
an example? What is friendship? There's a question
there. There's a thought there. That concludes
with the channel and the way everything is set
to run. So the phrase, a friend in need is a
friend indeed. While cheesy, most definitely
cheesy, I kind of find myself agreeing with this
saying a lot. I mean, over the years, though,
I realize how friendships can actually mean much,
much more. Discussing what friendship is, like
I mentioned before, it's a bond between two people
who support each other willingly. What that actually
means to me, as far as what friendship is. And
then from here on out, you can decide whether
or not... You know, you agree with that. I mean,
I personally value friendship based on the quality
of my bond with the person that I'm friends with
rather than the quality of the person. I mean,
the person can be a terrible person. They can
be a great person. They can be a mean person.
They can be a bossy person. But, I mean, as long
as they're my friend and they're willing to help
me out when I need it and I can help them, it
doesn't really matter to me. You know, people
with desirable traits by society's standards
don't necessarily make good friends. I believe
most of us can actually vouch for that one, considering,
you know, if you've been in school and dealt
with people, then you understand. Likewise, you
know, I have really strong friendships with people
who are, like, well, not exactly the coolest
people in the world. Some may say that they're
a little weird. actually most people would say
they're extremely weird mainly my parents so
i mean they're like these people can you ever
bring home someone who's normal well there's
a question for you what's normal that's another
topic for another day i'm not gonna talk about
what's normal not today so let me acknowledge
a famous person saying what's his name um jim
rons okay You are the average of the five people
you spend the most time with. Okay, I think it
is true to a large extent for most people who
treat their relationships as means to an end,
getting to the top. I might be wrong, but I mean,
everyone experiences relationships very differently.
I'd like to take Ron's saying with a pinch of
salt, especially if we're seeking to build friendships
we can depend on for less than a lifetime. Let
me share three different personal stories. they
gave me, um, perspectives of what friendship
is. Um, everybody has their own, uh, topics.
Everyone has their own themes. So, um, as we
move forward, um, we'll get more into this. Let's
take a short break right here and then we'll
go into these, um, topics. All right. All right.
Welcome back. So let me try this real quick.
Um, I know I asked the question, I said, I said,
uh, what is friendship? You know, and I said,
I was going to give a, like a story or two. Um,
how do I put this? Uh, in conversations about
friendships with someone who, you know, I consider
I'd like to consider a friend, but. he or she
may or may not consider me to be one simply because
of what they said relationships are disposable
so you know you think about this however you
wish you know to the person relationships are
disposable because everything in the world is
based on value okay they think everyone is ultimately
all about what is in it for them and no one does
anything out of goodwill for her the person Even
family members are disposable, which is, in retrospect,
kind of sad. That's probably why I don't think
he considers me a friend at all. He probably
considers me as a cog, merely a tool, just as
the other people in his life. Suffice to say,
I was a little hurt by what he said, even though
his perspective on friendships and relationships
is not personal at all. However, what he... What
he says does have some truth in it. I mean, especially
in his experiences with any form of relationships
where widely based on potential benefits and
rewards. I mean, in fact, his perspective is
by no means wrong or flawed. I mean, how do I
put this? It's just a means I wouldn't be in
it for life, in his life for much longer, just
as his other replaceable colleagues wouldn't
be either. And I mean... I'm not saying I go
around making friends just to, you know, use
them and then leave. You know, I make friends
and try to keep them if I can, but because my
family moves around a lot, it's kind of hard
to keep them. And while a lot of people say,
hey, get social media, get their phone number,
get whatever, stay in contact with them, it doesn't
always work. Their Facebook can get hacked. Their
Twitter account can get hacked. They can change
their phone number. They can move. You never
know what will happen. I've lost contact with
a lot of people that I was friends with. And
then when I saw them again, they didn't even
recognize me. So nothing I could say that could
bring back the memories that I had with them
because they couldn't remember who I was. So
by someone whose standards are similar to his,
he would be a perfect friend to a person who
is similar to him. Let me also say he is actually
a great person who is liked by people around
him, though probably not for very much longer.
Great foundations of friendship, and not coincidental,
other kinds of relationships too, are built on
loyalty, honesty, empathy, acceptance, love,
and the list goes on. But I think the, you know,
the simple most important ingredient here is
definitely trust. Without trust, you know, two
people can't traverse the acquaintanceship, deepen
the friendship to a stage where they are basically
like family. You know, some might argue friendships
are, between man and woman, tend to face a lot
of obstacles when either or both parties want
to deepen their friendship. Well, of course it,
how do I say this? Of course it does. I mean,
I would. I would admit men would usually have
more problems with maintaining a platonic friendship
with women as, you know, emotions can tend to
get in the way. I mean, I've had my fair share
of problems. Trust me. Like, I've tried just
wanting to be friends with someone and they kept
trying to date me. It was really annoying. But,
you know, not anymore. But again, like I said,
you know, that's a topic for another day. And
I do believe I already covered dating as it is
already. So, you know. I still think everything
boils down to just trust. I mean, if a friendship
between a man and a woman is built on strong
mutual trust, that their bond is strictly, or
at least, you know, platonic, I think, you know,
a family friendship is still possible. You know,
but that's just one of the views. The second
one was... How do I put this? So, you know, talking
with a couple of friends... Over the years. Here's
an interesting story. I don't have very many
friends. Because of some personal history. I
do have. This one best friend though. We'll tell
each other almost everything. We'll give each
other support whenever we need it. And we accept
each other for who we are. Basically what as.
We basically graduated together. In a way. I
mean. Sounds like a strong friendship there.
The only problem is. It's a he. Yeah. Because
of a past incident, I fell out with virtually
every single male friend I had, including that
one person. That's what she said. Years later,
when I wanted to reconcile with those friends,
all of them shunned me except for that one person.
Instead of mentioning my past actions, he started
by asking if she was fine. I keep wanting to
say me, and I'm talking about what she said.
Sorry. He told her he was more concerned about
her well -being than his own. Now they're back
to being friends. But she's always had qualms
about deepening their friendship. And they called
each other often, but they would try not... They
would... How do I put this? They tried to draw
a line between in their relationship about being
friends. So it wouldn't go any further. How do
I put this? One of the things that made it difficult
for this person was probably the fact that her
family has an Asian background. Honestly, I don't
think that had a reason, but this is what she's
telling me. So, she believes there is an invisible
line or boundary men and women should never cross.
A man and a woman should never drink with each
other until the wee hours of the night. They
shouldn't call each other every day till late.
They definitely shouldn't suggest each other,
suggest either of them take a 12 -hour flight
to travel almost half the globe just to keep
the other company. You know, these are a couple,
these are what... things that couples would do,
not friends. And technically, she is right. I
mean, so I had to ask her, do you like him? Not
as a friend, but as a man. She shook her head
saying that she only liked him as a friend and
he looks at her the same way, too. You know,
I gave some of my heartfelt thoughts and hoping
to lend her some encouragement to do what she
knows is best for herself. You know, if... How
did I say this? Oh boy. Memory fades. Okay. If
both of you are sure of your friendship and feelings
towards each other, nothing more than friends,
then you shouldn't be worried. For what you had
told me, he's a great person and, you know, both
of you click so well. It's hard to find a person
with a personality that clicks with your own,
let alone someone with whom you can trust and
depend on so dearly. So you shouldn't overthink
the invisible lines, or Asian lines, whatever
you want to call it, and boundaries our society
has forced upon you. Um, you know, psychologically,
of course, after the chat, you know, I made a
bid for a deeper friendship and added if, uh,
you know, it seems like we would always have
deep conversations unknowingly. Maybe we might
have a good friendship too. She, she reciprocated
that bid. You know, it really touched, it really
touched her heart. So, I mean, in different situations,
it just depends. You know, I have a lot of friends
that are this way and I have to go through a
lot of these different situations with them.
So. You can't really peg one type of thing to
one type of person. No two people are the same,
keeping that in mind. So I'm going to take another
short break here, and then we're going to switch
to how you can actually make friends. I'm going
to give some tips on that. Okay, so, picking
up on what I was saying before. In reality, friendships
are among the trickiest relationships out there.
As hard as it may be to find romantic love, it's
arguably even more difficult to pick up a new
pal for someone who you can really connect with
and keep in touch with with buddies from the
past. I mean, there's no reason to resign ourselves
to a life of solitude, especially since having
friends is tremendously important for our health
and happiness. So, I mean, here's the, what's
the deal? There's the question right there. What's
the deal? You know, 20 -somethings, 20 -somethings?
Yeah. They're among the friendliest people out
there. Nearly everyone in this age group usually,
you know, uses some form of social media, meaning
they have constant opportunities to share the,
you know, every minute of their life with hundreds
and even thousands of connections and people
around the world that they don't even know. Or
they may know over the connection, but they don't
know in person. I mean, at the same time, there
are good reasons to believe American adults are
getting lonelier as well. I mean, they've done
surveys on this. Most surveys have found that
we have fewer friends than we did in the 1980s,
which is kind of sad. But if you think about
it, it's mostly technology's fault. Everyone
would rather be on their phone rather than talking
to someone face -to -face. know how to make new
friends, or feel abandoned by their old ones.
And this has become really sad. So, I mean, with
these constant trends and things as such, I mean,
this trend has become troublesome. Given that
friendships are important, if not crucial, for
our well -being, some scientists argue that humans
are inherently social creatures, wired to benefit
from close relationships, family, romantic partners,
of course. Friends. Other research suggests a
network of close friends can reduce stress and
promote good health and longevity. That depends
on the type of friends you have, by the way.
While it's perfectly reasonable to desire some
alone time. Come on. Does anyone really need
to know we watched an entire season of whatever
on Netflix in one weekend? Nothing can replace
the value of a close friend. Everyone doesn't
need to know that. If you have a close friend
that knows that, great. But you don't need to
tell the whole world, hey, I sat here and watched
the entire series of Game of Thrones. Good on
you. I am not sitting here for 15 seasons watching
over 370 episodes of hour -long episodes of...
What did I just say? Game of Thrones. I don't
hate the show. For some reason, I just can't
seem to get myself to sit there for an hour each
episode to watch it. I like my anime. That's
me. But my shows are usually... 28 minutes or
less so for a reason because I want to be able
to get up and still go do something else and
not sit there and have to you know gorge out
on an entire episode and I have friends that
know this so they don't try to force me to watch
shows I apparently just can't don't have the
mental capacity to sit there for which is weird
because I can sit and drive for up to eight hours
when I'm getting them out unfortunately making
and retaining friends isn't always easy but it
can be done for anyone confused about how exactly
to do this you know forging new friendships or
straightening old ones i do have a couple of
tips that you know are more creative and practical
than old ones just to put you know yourself out
there if you're willing to try them you know
continue on with the rest of this episode and
you'll figure it out okay Okay, gold tier, gold
tier, gold tier. Let's get started. Gold tier,
meaning we're going to start at the... Actually,
not gold tier. We'll start at the very bottom.
We'll start with bronze. First things first,
do it blind. Okay, that's the first step. I kid
you not. Most of us have heard of the title blind
date. Okay, you can play a... You can let a friend
play matchmaker and set you up with someone we've
never met before. If you've just moved to another
city, have a friend set you up on a total platonic
blind date with one of his or her friends who
lives nearby. You'll be less likely to call your
friend angry if the potential match turns sour.
It works out well. And I'm not saying a date
in terms of like you're trying to get to know
the person as to date the person. No, it's to
give you someone to hang out with in that area.
So that you can at least be one person there
that you know. Instead of going in and knowing
nobody. I've already done this multiple times.
It sucks coming into a new area and not knowing
about a single person at that school. Only thing
that helped me was getting to know a staff member
who introduced me to another person. Who introduced
me to another person and it went from there.
So it does work. It just depends on your personality.
Two, be yourself. Okay, when you pursue hobbies,
activities you enjoy, you have a good chance
of meeting people with similar interests. So
check out the local lecture on modern literature
and sign up for sushi making lessons, if you
like sushi. Each event is a chance to make a
whole new room full of people, your potential
friends, or like -minded buddies. I mean, you
don't have to sign up for sushi making, you can
sign up for baking if you like to cook. I like
to cook. Or guitar playing, or... Music or just
sewing. There's a sewing club here. I know. I'm
probably going to take that because to me it
seems like something that would be useful in
the future. Three. Get up close and personal.
Not in their face. That's two different things.
When you're just starting to get to know someone,
foster intimacy by talking about something deeper
than the stupid weather. I kid you not. Every
time someone tries to start a conversation with
someone they don't know, first thing they talk
about is the weather. Find something else. Don't
even talk about their clothes. If you really
can't think of anything, fine, you can go with
the clothes. Just do not talk about the weather.
Once you two have been talking for a while, try
what researchers call the fast friends technique.
Basically, each party gradually discloses something
meaningful about him or herself. For example...
Each person could answer the question, if you
could wake up tomorrow having gained any one
quality or ability, what would it be? I'm not
answering that question, by the way. If you want
to know, you got to ask me yourself. Four, be
persistent. While not everyone has the courage
to actually do it, most of us know how to pursue
a crush. Send flowers to their office, invite
them to a concert featuring a band you know they
love, ask them to check. Yes or no, under the
question, will you go out with me? Please don't
do that anymore. I don't think anyone does that
anymore. I think that's only a thing you do in
third grade. I don't know why I even bothered
saying it. Apply similar but less romantic tactics
when pursuing a potential friend. For example,
send a person an email, ask them to lunch or
a coffee date next week, or follow up afterwards
to say you had a good time. Something. To induce
a second, third, or fourth meeting so that you
have a potentiality of actually having someone
to talk to or make friends with. Okay? And then
fifth. I almost lost count. Set a goal. It might
sound superficial, but the next time you go to
a party, tell yourself you want to leave with
three new friends or maybe even just one. That
way you'll at least... You know, be more open
to meeting people and starting in -depth conversations
instead of just smiling at the person ahead of
you in line for the bathroom. This happens. I
hate to say it, but it happens. It's really weird.
So, moving on. Six, say cheese. Seriously. We're
including smiling on this list because it's a
more powerful tactic for making connections than
you may believe. For one thing, smiling takes
us out of our own head and makes us think more
about the image we're actually projecting on
people. I'm not saying you should care about
your physical image, but you probably should
if you're out in public. People who smile, as
opposed to folks with neutral faces, are perceived
as more attractive, kinder, happier, and therefore
more approachable, rather than someone who has
a scowl across his face and looks like he's about
to reap their souls. I've seen plenty of those.
It's a little weird. Number seven, don't take
it personally. We pretty much know what it means
when a romantic partner tells you or tells us,
it's not you, it's me. I'm tired of hearing that.
But when you invite a new pal to coffee or a
movie and then they turn you down, don't freak
out. Maybe they really are busy with work. Maybe
family relationships already take up too much
of their time as it is. Maybe it actually isn't
you after all. I kid you not, most of the time
it's not going to be because we live in a world
nowadays where everybody's busy with God knows
whatever. Could be in their backyard farming
and trying to take care of a plant that could
die at any second if they don't do it right.
And maybe you can just get a rain check for the
next week. Even if the event has to be put off
a month later, consider the thought that maybe
they are busy. If something does come up or they
just really don't want to talk to you anymore,
Most people will say, or you'll get a sign of
it. Okay. Last but not least on how to make a
new friend, you know, think outside the box.
It is possible that up until now, all your friends
have been 20 something year old women or guys
who either work in the fashion industry or are
suit and tie, you know, but why limit yourself
to this particular crowd? You can easily hit
it off with a 40 year old who works in finance.
I mean, you have enough in common. Be open to
forming new relationships with coworkers, neighbors,
classmates, no matter who they appear to be.
It doesn't mean you don't be careful who you're
talking to. Okay? All that's for how to make
new friends. Now, we're going to take a short
break, and then I'm going to tell you how you
can possibly keep your old ones. That's always
going to be fun. Okay. Let's talk about how to
keep the old friends as a young adult. So let's
start with this. They're old friends, right?
So they've seen you weep over a dead goldfish,
laugh so hard that their abs are sore the next
day. But now we're all professional and it's
easy to get caught up in the excitement of brand
new social circles, forgetting about your old
ones. The tips I'm about to give you will give
you ways where you can still keep old ties strong.
You know, being honest, forgiving, and supportive
regardless of what the reason. Let's dive into
step one. We're now at gold level. So now I can
say gold tier, gold tier, gold tier. It's going
to be my thing from now on. Loosen up. First
things first, loosen up. Example. So Sarah forgot
your last birthday and Mark never made it to
your holiday party. As hurtful as they are. See
me. of lack of interest might be, try to cut
your old pals some slack. Instead of assuming
that they've become mean or just don't care about
your relationship anymore, consider that they
might just be overwhelmed with work or family
responsibilities. And remember that you've probably
been in the same boat multiple times. Keep that
in mind. A lot of people tend to think that because
people don't show up or do anything, they don't
care. Well, they care. They're just busy. Speak
the truth, okay? There's nothing like a pal who
can tell it to you straight and a superficial
relationship typically doesn't last long. When
a friend asks you a question about a new job
or relationship, try to be as open as possible.
You've built a sense of trust and your friend
will likely reciprocate with honesty about their
own life if they can. With that being said, be
virtually present. That's the third thing I can
tell you. Even though social media can't substitute
for real friends, Facebook can actually be a
great way to straighten all ties. You know, one
of the studies that I found here while looking
this up was that posting mass status updates,
just ate breakfast, delish, doesn't do much for
close relationships, believe it or not. But posting
on someone else's wall to congratulate them on
admissions to graduate school, a new job, getting
married, having a kid. can actually be really
meaningful. Okay? Oh, that reminds me. Number
four. I'll put this at four instead of where
it was going to be. Keep it brief. Many of us
have been in this situation. We received an email
from an old pal, then put off responding to it
until we have time and attention span to write
a novel -length response. Don't do that. Please
don't do that. I have friends who do that. If
you're listening to this, please don't do that
anymore. It's really weird. A better plan is
to send frequent, short emails so you can stay
in the loop about each other's lives and never
go too long without an update. I kid you not,
I have some friends that I haven't seen in like
months and a few I haven't seen in a few years.
And the second I send them an email or a text
message, when they reply back, I get an entire
blog, if not an entire book. And then I don't
have time to respond because I'm spending all
the time trying to read what they just sent me.
Sometimes it takes me a month to finish it just
so I can reply. Doesn't mean that I don't enjoy
it. There's times I'm okay with it, but most
of the time I just want a short, you know, hey,
how you doing? What's up? You know, oh, my life
was great. I got married. I have a kid. You know,
just simplify it, please. With that being said,
you know, number five, put it on paper. By the
time we come home from a long day of work and
errands, we may have had a little energy left
to catch up. on sessions but if there's already
an appointment on the calendar we can't miss
it so schedule regular phone calls or skype dates
with pals or friends who live far away there's
a good chance you'll be glad you didn't skip
the date and it'll allow y 'all to keep caught
up every once in a while and with that being
said that brings me to number six go with the
flow when a friend experiences a big life change
like i mentioned before such as moving into a
new city getting married having a baby you know
the relationship is bound to change it's going
to change it can't be stopped Instead of fretting
that things will never be the same way that they've
always been, you know, why can't we just stay
up all night drinking wine and discussing the
meaning of life? There's a question. Focus on
what you guys have in common now and be supportive
of your friend's new lifestyle and remember that
they are still the same person, just with added
effects to their lives. You know, I just thought
about this. Think of it like if you're playing
a video game and you have another team member
who has different status effects. He started
off as a scrub mage who couldn't do anything
and now he has bonus effects that can either
help and or hurt you. Most likely they're going
to help you. That's just kind of how this works.
It's kind of funny. The meaning of life. Now,
there's a discussion. I will never cover that
in any of these podcasts because that will take
forever to do. The more people I have reacting
to me and, you know, sending me messages, maybe
we'll have that discussion with me and a couple
other podcasters as well. But not right now.
So, number seven. Bond with your buddy. Say you
two used to go bowling together every week but
haven't been in touch for a year. Instead of
setting up a potentially awkward coffee date
to reconnect, Why don't you suggest that you
two hit the bowling alley like old days and give
it a chance to rekindle your friendship like
doing something you both enjoy and removing some
of the pressure of that stupid small talk with
a coffee cup in front of you and not being able
to say anything and hoping something random happens.
Oh, here's a better one. Actually, if that doesn't
work for you, here's number eight. Get out of
town. I'm not telling you. I know how that sounded.
Research shows we value experiences over actual
items. And what better experience is there than
spending time with a group of friends? When a
friend moves somewhere far away, consider saving
up for a little vacation to visit and hang out
with their new hood. Likewise, let the friend
know that your couch is always available too.
I always tell my friends, if you need some help
or you need someone to talk to, I'm here. I'm
always here regardless of what I'm doing. I may
not be able to respond immediately at the moment,
but as long as you send me a message, I will
get to you in my next open second. Because I
plan stuff down to the second. I just realized
how weird that is. Anyway, so what's the takeaway
from this? Okay, sometimes it happens. We bond
over a mutual love like, you know, for some people
it's Harry Potter or kittens. Why kittens? Why
kittens? Why do you do this to me? Um, and next
thing you know, you know, we're meeting for weekly
brunches, both of us, uh, both, uh, but other
times it's harder. You know, we can't help feeling
like the other, we're the only person at the
party without a wingman. If you go to parties,
I don't do parties, you know, whatever the circumstance,
it's important not to get discouraged with enough
self -confidence, flexibility, and patience.
It's possible to find friends in almost any situation
and keep them for life. I kid you not. It really
is. So, I mean, that's basically the takeaway
from this. What is friendship? How does it affect
other people? What do they think? How to make
friends? How to keep friends? That's kind of
the whole premise of this. I try to keep my podcasts
on point. I try to talk about select topics,
things that people actually care about or want
to know. I mean, there's different things people
might want to know, people don't know, people
don't really care to know. You know, it moves
on day after day after day. So, I mean, it's
just a matter of preference. So, like always,
if you have any topics, things of concern, things
that you would like to know about, things you
would like to hear me talk about, or you just
want to hear your voice on my podcast, feel free
to hit me up on anchor .fm. You can download
the app from the Google Play Store, the Apple
Podcast, no, Apple Store. Yeah, that's what it's
called. I think it's called iTunes Store now.
You can download the app from there, create your
account, search for my name on there. It's going
to be neogentrics, or you can go to the website,
anchor .fm forward slash neogentrics to show
your support, you know, or listen to all my older
previous podcasts, so on and so forth, moving
on with our lives and so on. I'm also available
on multiple different platforms, including Spotify,
like I mentioned earlier, you know. I love to
hear from you guys. I love getting the topics
that you guys want to hear. And I love talking
about them. So let me know what you think. Thank
you for listening and have a blessed day.