WEBVTT 00:00:05.500 --> 00:00:11.080 Hey, hey, hey, everybody. It is, I do believe, 00:00:11.279 --> 00:00:15.599 4 .23 p .m. on April the 6th. I know it's been 00:00:15.599 --> 00:00:18.579 a while since my last podcast, but we're going 00:00:18.579 --> 00:00:21.160 to pick up where we left off. This isn't going 00:00:21.160 --> 00:00:24.760 to be exactly a moral, per se, part of the moral 00:00:24.760 --> 00:00:27.600 series, but we're going to cover balancing politeness 00:00:27.600 --> 00:00:31.800 and honesty, like I said last time. In this segment, 00:00:31.839 --> 00:00:33.960 we're going to go ahead and cover the difference 00:00:33.960 --> 00:00:37.759 between the two. and then i will follow up with 00:00:37.759 --> 00:00:42.520 honesty as it's the next moral to do so as like 00:00:42.520 --> 00:00:45.299 before this is thoughts if it were you food for 00:00:45.299 --> 00:00:50.240 thought by neogentrics so to keep with the regular 00:00:50.240 --> 00:00:54.539 pace here balancing politeness and honesty sometimes 00:00:54.539 --> 00:00:57.920 the reason for being polite to others is to avoid 00:00:57.920 --> 00:01:00.280 hurting their feelings okay being impolite or 00:01:00.280 --> 00:01:03.560 rude could lead to conflict awkwardness or embarrassment 00:01:04.510 --> 00:01:07.290 Feelings that many people try to avoid when possible. 00:01:07.750 --> 00:01:11.870 Being polite, therefore, can mean being dishonest, 00:01:11.870 --> 00:01:17.810 deceitful, or even lying. You have almost certainly 00:01:17.810 --> 00:01:20.829 been guilty of this at some point in your life, 00:01:20.909 --> 00:01:25.709 and the chances are that you will recognize this 00:01:25.709 --> 00:01:29.090 trait in yourself as a regular, ongoing occurrence. 00:01:29.430 --> 00:01:33.640 That's how you're going to see this, okay? So 00:01:33.640 --> 00:01:39.920 first off, what is deception? Deception in interpersonal 00:01:39.920 --> 00:01:44.859 relationships is a commonplace. Deception can 00:01:44.859 --> 00:01:49.819 be especially prevalent when being polite as 00:01:49.819 --> 00:01:54.200 well. Deceptive communication includes three 00:01:54.200 --> 00:01:57.129 elements. The first one is this, the information 00:01:57.129 --> 00:02:00.409 being communicated is knowingly false, inaccurate, 00:02:00.810 --> 00:02:04.150 incomplete or untrue. This can include exaggerated 00:02:04.150 --> 00:02:07.510 claims, withholding information and just flat 00:02:07.510 --> 00:02:10.889 out lying. Second, false information is being 00:02:10.889 --> 00:02:13.490 communicated on purpose. Such communications 00:02:13.490 --> 00:02:18.889 are not accidental, misconstrued, or miscommunicated 00:02:18.889 --> 00:02:22.310 in some way. Deception is intentional. I'm sorry 00:02:22.310 --> 00:02:24.870 to say it, but no such thing as accidental deception. 00:02:25.530 --> 00:02:28.969 It's intentional. Third, the sender attempts 00:02:28.969 --> 00:02:31.490 to persuade the receiver that what they are communicating 00:02:31.490 --> 00:02:37.020 is true. A very common example of everyday deception 00:02:37.020 --> 00:02:39.199 communication occurs when somebody being polite 00:02:39.199 --> 00:02:44.039 says, uh, hello, how are you? Being polite, you 00:02:44.039 --> 00:02:47.520 answer, I'm fine, how are you? They also answer, 00:02:47.699 --> 00:02:50.580 fine. In fact, you're actually having a really 00:02:50.580 --> 00:02:53.699 bad day and you don't feel fine at all. You have 00:02:53.699 --> 00:02:55.639 attempted to deceive the other person by making 00:02:55.639 --> 00:02:58.319 an untrue claim, making the claim on purpose 00:02:58.319 --> 00:03:01.620 in the hope that it would be believed. The alternative 00:03:01.620 --> 00:03:04.919 would be to indicate that you weren't fine, but 00:03:04.919 --> 00:03:06.960 in many situations this would not be considered 00:03:06.960 --> 00:03:11.800 polite or appropriate. You are being deceitful 00:03:11.800 --> 00:03:14.080 by saying that you're fine when in fact you are 00:03:14.080 --> 00:03:16.840 not. You may consider that, hello, how are you, 00:03:17.000 --> 00:03:20.199 is not really a question at all. It is in itself 00:03:20.199 --> 00:03:24.360 just a polite or social nicety. Did the other 00:03:24.360 --> 00:03:26.439 person really expect you to respond in any other 00:03:26.439 --> 00:03:30.150 way than to say that you were fine? You know, 00:03:30.150 --> 00:03:33.069 is saying fine in this situation really a way 00:03:33.069 --> 00:03:36.469 of saying I don't want to engage in conversation 00:03:36.469 --> 00:03:39.389 with you? These are things you have to consider. 00:03:47.270 --> 00:03:50.250 Moving right along, here's another example. Two 00:03:50.250 --> 00:03:52.169 people meet in the street. They have known each 00:03:52.169 --> 00:03:54.330 other for years, but neither particularly likes 00:03:54.330 --> 00:03:58.080 the other. So they greet. Say hello and ask about 00:03:58.080 --> 00:04:00.300 each other's families, engaging in some small 00:04:00.300 --> 00:04:03.259 talk, okay? One glances at their watch and makes 00:04:03.259 --> 00:04:05.680 excuses to leave the conversation. The parting 00:04:05.680 --> 00:04:08.680 remarks are, It was nice to see you. We should 00:04:08.680 --> 00:04:11.560 do this more often. Call me and we'll have coffee. 00:04:11.900 --> 00:04:15.020 But in reality, the feelings were more like, 00:04:15.159 --> 00:04:18.319 It was not nice to see you and I hope I don't 00:04:18.319 --> 00:04:21.600 bump into you again anytime soon. Please don't 00:04:21.600 --> 00:04:25.139 call me. This is more often the case in a lot 00:04:25.139 --> 00:04:28.350 of situations. And the reason I bring it up is 00:04:28.350 --> 00:04:31.110 most people can recognize this example or at 00:04:31.110 --> 00:04:33.290 least something similar or have at least done 00:04:33.290 --> 00:04:36.430 this. The communication was polite and well -mannered, 00:04:36.430 --> 00:04:43.430 but ultimately untrue. Is a certain amount of 00:04:43.430 --> 00:04:46.089 dishonesty acceptable in such situations? You 00:04:46.089 --> 00:04:49.509 have to ask this. You know, if both parties had 00:04:49.509 --> 00:04:51.589 been completely honest with each other, then 00:04:51.589 --> 00:04:54.800 they would have... probably cause defense and 00:04:54.800 --> 00:04:59.620 be considered impolite or rude getting the balance 00:04:59.620 --> 00:05:03.259 right okay as with many things in life we all 00:05:03.259 --> 00:05:06.100 have to manage a balance between politeness and 00:05:06.100 --> 00:05:08.939 honesty such balances will be personal to us 00:05:08.939 --> 00:05:11.379 and dependent on many factors the good news is 00:05:11.379 --> 00:05:14.420 that most people get the balance right most of 00:05:14.420 --> 00:05:16.920 the time with practice and experience this becomes 00:05:16.920 --> 00:05:20.120 easier and more natural at one end of the spectrum 00:05:20.120 --> 00:05:23.279 if you're always completely honest with people, 00:05:23.379 --> 00:05:25.139 telling them exactly what you think, you will 00:05:25.139 --> 00:05:27.560 probably be considered rude or deemed to have 00:05:27.560 --> 00:05:30.839 poor social skills. I've done this before, so 00:05:30.839 --> 00:05:33.699 I don't know. This could well mean that you have 00:05:33.699 --> 00:05:35.560 fewer friends and less opportunities to meet 00:05:35.560 --> 00:05:38.779 people or new people or gain new social experiences. 00:05:38.980 --> 00:05:41.639 On the other hand, if you try to be polite all 00:05:41.639 --> 00:05:43.759 the time, you will probably not be representing 00:05:43.759 --> 00:05:46.800 a true picture of yourself and therefore be deceitful. 00:05:47.079 --> 00:05:49.899 People may attempt to do this because of problems 00:05:49.899 --> 00:05:52.399 with self -esteem, confidence, or poor assertiveness 00:05:52.399 --> 00:05:56.360 skills. Some people find it difficult to say 00:05:56.360 --> 00:05:58.819 no when they are asked to do something, worried 00:05:58.819 --> 00:06:01.300 that they may somehow offend the other. This 00:06:01.300 --> 00:06:03.980 can be problematic if you take on too many tasks 00:06:03.980 --> 00:06:07.079 because you never say no, and you will likely 00:06:07.079 --> 00:06:08.959 find yourself in a situation where you are not 00:06:08.959 --> 00:06:13.980 completely tasked to your satisfaction or to 00:06:13.980 --> 00:06:16.970 the satisfaction of others. Dissatisfaction with 00:06:16.970 --> 00:06:19.470 personal performance can be very stressful and 00:06:19.470 --> 00:06:23.110 negatively affect your self -esteem. Which, in 00:06:23.110 --> 00:06:25.870 turn, may make saying no even more difficult, 00:06:26.029 --> 00:06:29.290 and so the pattern is basically constantly repeated. 00:06:29.829 --> 00:06:32.790 There are, of course, polite ways to say no without 00:06:32.790 --> 00:06:37.810 actually using the word no. You know, like, I'd 00:06:37.810 --> 00:06:41.430 love to help with that, but unfortunately, yada 00:06:41.430 --> 00:06:46.410 yada yada, etc. Okay? It's important to remember 00:06:46.410 --> 00:06:50.170 that, as Abraham Lincoln put it, you can please 00:06:50.170 --> 00:06:52.769 some of the people some of the time, all the 00:06:52.769 --> 00:06:55.149 people some of the time, some of the people all 00:06:55.149 --> 00:06:58.350 the time. But you can never please all the people 00:06:58.350 --> 00:07:01.139 all the time. And he makes a good point. You 00:07:01.139 --> 00:07:03.980 know, all social situations are different and 00:07:03.980 --> 00:07:06.220 in each situation you need to use common sense 00:07:06.220 --> 00:07:09.160 and good judgment. Common sense and good judgment 00:07:09.160 --> 00:07:11.279 come with experience. Experience in turn comes 00:07:11.279 --> 00:07:13.579 from observing others, from making mistakes, 00:07:13.819 --> 00:07:16.459 learning from what does and doesn't work, what 00:07:16.459 --> 00:07:19.480 is acceptable and what is not. Generally, dishonesty 00:07:19.480 --> 00:07:29.019 and insincerity can be recognized by others. 00:07:29.439 --> 00:07:31.300 and can affect your relationships negatively. 00:07:31.620 --> 00:07:34.920 However, there are occasions where when not being 00:07:34.920 --> 00:07:37.959 totally honest can aid social interactions, being 00:07:37.959 --> 00:07:41.040 over polite, for example, or using more complicated 00:07:41.040 --> 00:07:44.740 sentences than necessary. Like, excuse me, kind 00:07:44.740 --> 00:07:47.180 sir, would you mind terribly passing the salt, 00:07:47.279 --> 00:07:52.220 please? May work on downtown Abbey, but in real 00:07:52.220 --> 00:07:55.819 life can be irritating when a simple, can you 00:07:55.819 --> 00:07:58.480 pass me the salt, please, would be acceptable. 00:08:06.329 --> 00:08:10.189 humor and faux pas i love how this word sounds 00:08:10.189 --> 00:08:13.069 it's just it's really fun to say it's a french 00:08:13.069 --> 00:08:16.209 word meaning false step it's usually an accidental 00:08:16.209 --> 00:08:19.029 or unintentional breach of socially accepted 00:08:19.029 --> 00:08:22.769 norms manners or even etiquette as a faux pas 00:08:22.769 --> 00:08:26.509 is unintentional a mistake or blunder and not 00:08:26.509 --> 00:08:30.370 a deliberate act of rudeness it is often considered 00:08:30.370 --> 00:08:34.100 amusing especially to an observer although can 00:08:34.100 --> 00:08:36.340 be very embarrassing for the person or people 00:08:36.340 --> 00:08:39.879 involved. For these reasons, faux pas are used 00:08:39.879 --> 00:08:42.740 frequently in comedy, especially in sitcoms. 00:08:42.759 --> 00:08:45.200 Such situations can make the audience cringe, 00:08:45.480 --> 00:08:49.179 empathize with, or ultimately laugh at the characters 00:08:49.179 --> 00:08:51.919 being portrayed. The more in tune you are with 00:08:51.919 --> 00:08:53.840 the rules of etiquette, the more likely you are 00:08:53.840 --> 00:08:56.679 to react to the embarrassment caused to others 00:08:56.679 --> 00:09:00.279 in such situations. Conversely, if you lack knowledge 00:09:00.279 --> 00:09:02.440 or experience of socially acceptable behaviors, 00:09:02.740 --> 00:09:04.820 you are less likely to get the joke in the first 00:09:04.820 --> 00:09:08.100 place. This can be particularly true across different 00:09:08.100 --> 00:09:10.559 cultures or demographics and is why comedy does 00:09:10.559 --> 00:09:13.759 not always translate or travel well. The relationship 00:09:13.759 --> 00:09:16.820 between comedy and faux pas helped to demonstrate 00:09:16.820 --> 00:09:18.980 the importance many people put on acceptable 00:09:18.980 --> 00:09:22.259 social interactions in the world in a wide variety 00:09:22.259 --> 00:09:29.539 of settings. Learning more about the key things 00:09:29.539 --> 00:09:32.639 of communication skills can be effective and 00:09:32.639 --> 00:09:36.120 make you a more effective communicator. There 00:09:36.120 --> 00:09:38.159 are many different ways you can go about doing 00:09:38.159 --> 00:09:41.240 this and learning the difference between the 00:09:41.240 --> 00:09:45.539 two. We discussed the difference between politeness 00:09:45.539 --> 00:09:48.039 and honesty in this episode. And to be honest, 00:09:48.279 --> 00:09:53.120 we concluded that you should not confuse the 00:09:53.120 --> 00:09:56.679 difference between being polite. honesty in the 00:09:56.679 --> 00:09:59.000 sense that you're being dishonest or deceitful 00:09:59.000 --> 00:10:02.000 with the person you are with you know in most 00:10:02.000 --> 00:10:04.139 interpersonal relationships being polite is desirable 00:10:04.139 --> 00:10:06.539 and an honest reflection of your awareness and 00:10:06.539 --> 00:10:09.980 respect for others is what's most wanted however 00:10:09.980 --> 00:10:14.100 most people don't have this kind of same desire 00:10:14.100 --> 00:10:18.799 and it makes it hard to do certain things and 00:10:18.799 --> 00:10:21.840 even move on but if you can learn how to handle 00:10:21.840 --> 00:10:23.940 the difference between these two it can make 00:10:23.940 --> 00:10:27.220 your life all that much easier, okay? There are 00:10:27.220 --> 00:10:30.700 ways to be polite, which we covered in the last 00:10:30.700 --> 00:10:34.659 episode, and then there's ways of being honest 00:10:34.659 --> 00:10:37.559 where you stay polite and have tact about what 00:10:37.559 --> 00:10:41.620 you're doing. Again, I would like to thank you 00:10:41.620 --> 00:10:44.700 for listening to my podcast. I hope you have 00:10:44.700 --> 00:10:49.399 a wonderful day. I look forward to any possible 00:10:49.399 --> 00:10:51.919 interests or concerns that you have. Feel free 00:10:51.919 --> 00:10:53.929 to... Shoot me a message when you get a chance 00:10:53.929 --> 00:10:56.830 to on any future topics that you would love me 00:10:56.830 --> 00:10:59.250 to cover. Next time, we're going to cover honesty 00:10:59.250 --> 00:11:01.129 and move on with this moral series.