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I'm going to preface this episode with the usual reminder that these are the thoughts

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that I find swirling about in my mind after certain interactions leave me feeling some

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type of way.

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I recognize that I may be taking things too personally or out of context, but remember,

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we live our lives based on the experiences that have shaped us, what those experiences

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have taught us.

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That's why it's so important to communicate, to be open and ask questions when we aren't

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sure and even to bravely express vulnerability so that we know the intentions of others are

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not to harm us.

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While I give these examples and my feelings, just remember, I'm aware I may not be in

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the right with my reactivity, but it is how I experience the world.

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Maybe you do too in this way, and maybe it will help you feel not so alone or ashamed

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in how your mind may jump to conclusions.

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It is also a good way to analyze and assess what likely stems from the societal norms

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and share my observations about human interactions.

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There's always room to do better and to be better.

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There I go again, feeling the need to over explain so that I feel like I have some control

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over how you, the listener, perceives me, so that I don't seem like a bad person for

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the inner dialogue that occurs in my head.

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So I don't feel so alien.

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It is what it is.

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Let's begin.

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I do not know why it is that I always tend to feel that my reactions to people's responses

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involves becoming offended, hurt, reactive.

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I have a long-standing history of thoughts that involve me believing that the world and

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everyone in it is out to get me in some way, shape, or form.

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Many years of therapy has helped significantly, but I will say those initial thoughts, especially

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when I'm not in a great place that day, are the first ones that still pop up.

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Old habits die hard, but I'm hoping that they do eventually die.

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I'm just going to come out and say it.

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Sometimes it feels like people respond or say things as an attempt to outshine me or

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to dim my own experience.

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Why?

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Why is that?

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Why does it feel like everything we do, share, live, involves becoming a competitive sport?

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Why can we simply not exist in this space where we respond to one another with the respect

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that doesn't come across as you are trying to compete with me to one-up me?

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It really irks me.

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These situations really, really bother me.

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I try to ask myself, what is it that this person is trying to do when they respond this way?

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I wonder if they're trying to relate to me, possibly in a supportive way?

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Or is it that they're feeling smaller, needing validation and want to feel relevant by sharing

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back at you in that moment?

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I find myself guilty of wondering if it is a case of people feeling bothered at the fact

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that the situation is not revolving around them, and in order to ease the discomfort,

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they feel a need to insert themselves into it, to make it about them, or at least allow

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them to feel some sort of inclusion.

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In having a bad day or feeling overwhelmed, what is so wrong with me feeling as though

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I deserve to have my crisis moment, or a complaint moment, or simply any moment whatsoever,

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one where I can share that something is happening to me that is out of the everyday ordinary?

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I would love to be able to do this without feeling as though people need to come to me

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and respond to my content in a way that says, oh yeah, well, mine's worse.

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Or yeah, I've been there, I've done that.

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In a sort of relax, you're not that important, sort of demeanor.

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I only have simple, really kind of silly examples, but they allow for privacy of others and showcase

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what I mean here all the same.

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The winter storms that hit my hometown when I was visiting for the month after I got back

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were quite something.

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It was a record breaking amount, heavy, heavy snowfall, with tons of highway closures, more

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than we typically get in a winter season.

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In five to six days, we had snow that was up to my waist.

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This was after my arrival where there wasn't a single snowflake on the ground.

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This felt exciting and also unbelievable at the time.

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All the shoveling we had to do daily to keep up so that the roofs didn't cave in so that

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we could leave the driveway in case of an emergency.

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Also it was just a gorgeous scenery to behold.

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Naturally, I posted about my experience here.

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I tried to keep it positive or neutral, but I wanted to share, especially since it doesn't

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usually snow that much here, nor does it for my Western or Southern friends.

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I am aware it snows in Canada and snow in general is nothing new.

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With this, this was unprecedented, insane, and it even ended up in the news across the

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country.

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We even experienced fuel shortages when the highway was closed.

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Not that it was as apocalyptic as it sounds, but it was something that certainly doesn't

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happen every day.

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I received responses similar to, yeah, we have really bad storms here too.

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Huh.

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It's snowing here too.

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I couldn't help but ask myself, what is the point of this message?

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I wanted to say, uh, okay, but this is severe and I'm not just posting because it's snowing.

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It's snow.

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We've all seen snow.

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That's not new.

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But this is crazy wild snow that's out of proportion.

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Of course, I didn't.

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I am an adult in some ways after all.

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I do not compete back because I do not want to view it as competition.

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For someone to reach out and tell me it's also snowing there, what is happening?

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I clearly think way too much into things.

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But I had to ask, is this person attempting to relate to me in a way that is poorly communicated

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and that's why it's coming off in a way that causes me to react?

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Or is this person trying to put me in my place, so to speak?

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As in, they're frustrated with my post or want to inform me it's also snowing elsewhere.

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As in, calm down, it's snowing here too.

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Or is it, oh my god, that's insane, it's snowing here too.

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I wonder if we'll get a similar dump.

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This last one, if worded as such, would not evoke such strong emotions in me.

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In fact, it's the perfect example of what I would expect to feel as, hey, I'm relating

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to you.

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Reading these messages, I feel irked, grossed out.

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I feel the skin prickle crawling at the back of my neck.

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It makes me feel gross.

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Supervised.

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Judged.

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Why does this bother me?

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I hate that.

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I hate that I perceive it in this way.

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I can't help but feel like I am sharing this to have a moment in my life where I'm like,

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whoa, look at this.

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These approaches result in me feeling as though I'm not allowed to have my moment.

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This isn't the only instance, of course.

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It happens more often than not, which is why I wonder if it's my upbringing and previous

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experience that result in this.

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I'd prefer this to the alternative, because the alternative means that there are a lot

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of broken people who nip at others in order to get a sense of the ground under their feet

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to ease the pain, and, well, I don't really like this version of it.

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The same happens when I post the weather.

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I remember when I first experienced the Western Prairie winters.

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I couldn't believe my absolute everything.

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Minus 45?

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That's insanity.

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Of course these are things to share.

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I come from a place where this level of cold doesn't happen.

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It's my way of sharing something others may not be aware of.

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I often then receive messages from people telling me, oh, well, it's minus 47 here and

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feels like minus 50.

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Is this a competition?

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Is this where I go, oh shit, hey, well, you win?

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Is that what this is?

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It just feels so fucking strange.

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Instead, I probably responded, oh yeah, that's all I can muster.

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In my eyes, it's not a competition to me, and our life experience is not a genital measuring

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contest.

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I take it as, yeah, it's cold here too, so stop being excited about it.

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It's not a big deal.

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It annoys me.

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Oh, does it annoy me?

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I don't know.

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I guess what I'm trying to say is, can we just let people have their moment?

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Maybe I come across in these posts as someone attempting to one up others, and maybe I am.

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I'm not intending to do so, but maybe this too is a matter of perspective.

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Either way, allow me to have my uninterrupted moment, where I can feel safe to experience

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the, wow, this is insane, where the responses support me having my moment.

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Oh yeah, that's crazy.

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Instead of trying to tell me, it's like that here too.

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On the other hand, if I reverse the scenario, if someone tells me how cold it is, or how

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much snow they've gotten, do you know what my response is?

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Oh wow, that is crazy.

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I hope you're staying warm, or something along those lines.

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When you compete and respond in a competitive way, it's like saying it's a badge of honor

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to have it worse than someone else.

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It strikes me as a really weird way to try to assert yourself in a conversation.

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I just struggle, truly.

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It makes me uncomfortable.

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I do not like it.

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I don't like the resentment that starts to settle in once I read the message that was

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written.

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I don't enjoy holding onto anger towards people.

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But how do you say, hey, what are you trying to accomplish here?

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What's your angle?

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That's equally weird, right?

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I'm sure I could find a way to finesse that, but that's weird too.

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I don't want to seem like the over-sensitive over-thinker that I am about everything that

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happens, even small innocuous-seeming comments such as that.

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I already exhaust myself with how much thinking goes on in my mind.

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I try to be neutral when I do respond, or acknowledge the message in return.

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I am allowed to have my moments.

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I am allowed to be uncomfortable, not like something, or be amazed or wowed by something.

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So you live in the Arctic, and it snows 10 feet every Sunday.

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Good for you.

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I've never seen that before, like a child seeing a butterfly for the first time.

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Would you tell them, oh, I've seen lots of butterflies before too.

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They're everywhere.

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Probably not.

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I know I'd smile and feel the awe that creeps inside of me as I realize they're experiencing

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a thing of beauty for the first time in their lives.

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I'm allowed.

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I'm allowed to experience all of these things, and share it and feel it.

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It doesn't make you better than me, because you've seen this 10,000 times, or it's 10,000

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degrees colder where you are, and you just handle it daily, because that's just how

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it is.

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It's not really relevant.

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If it doesn't allow me to have my moment, and make no mistake, you can gladly join in

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my moment with yours.

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Just come into it with that knowing attitude and verbiage, acknowledge it, validate it,

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then share your experience.

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That would be my advice, my take on it.

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If you think about it, sure, it's snowed for me.

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It's snowed for you too, wow.

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But it also snows in Arizona, and that means it snows on cacti.

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So I guess we both just got one up.

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It just seems like everything in some way gets turned into a competition.

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About everything.

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About anything.

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We do not live in a world of scarcity with regards to validation in our shiny moments.

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We can have all our shiny moments.

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Not only that, but we can also have shiny moments at the same time as someone else,

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while still supporting another's excitement in our unique shiny moments.

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I wish this was something more people understood.

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I'm all about supporting others and their shiny moments.

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Even if I'm having a shitty moment, I wouldn't turn around and say, oh yeah, well my life

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sucks because my cat got run over.

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No, tell me about your shiny moment.

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Then I get to enjoy in the celebration of that moment with you, with the best of my

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abilities.

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And if I also have a shiny moment, perhaps I will share.

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Hey, that's great, I'm so happy for you.

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I have great news too if you've got the time and capacity to listen.

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Or sometimes I just let someone have their moment and I save mine for later so that I

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don't dim their shine.

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You know, is that so hard?

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The answer seems to be yes, in my opinion.

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When I reflect on all that I've gone through, there have been times where I've had to shift

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and change the groups with which I've surrounded myself due to their mentalities, their behaviors

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that honestly just left me feeling shitty.

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I didn't want to be surrounded by that anymore.

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I also don't treat others in this way, and I try really hard to be mindful of how things

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would make me feel if I received those words, those comments, or those behaviors.

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I can't possibly be the only person who perceives things this way.

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You know, the guilt ridden ones, the ones that make me question myself and tempt me into

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gaslighting myself.

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The majority of people are not ill-intentioned, and maybe they just don't know how their

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communication comes across, that their lack of punctuation or sentence structure conveys

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an entirely different meaning than their brain is trying to produce.

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Not to mention, typed words on a screen are very hard to decipher when it comes to tone

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and intent, as it really has none to begin with.

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It makes it difficult to understand what's being said and what's being not said.

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I'm sure it's a mix of both, me and the other person needing to finesse our approaches in

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these situations.

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I still do believe we should let people have their moments, and when you do, those people

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will come back and help you celebrate with you in your moments.

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You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours.

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You have the power to cause people to think twice by how you treat them.

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They notice when you make them feel good.

235
00:14:56,960 --> 00:14:59,600
Hopefully, they're someone who can return the favor.

236
00:14:59,600 --> 00:15:08,200
I know I do.