In a world where insecurities run rampant, it's understanding that we would seek that which would reassure us, that which lets us know we're doing the right things, making the right choices, living a good life, that of validation.
I recently felt a pull towards becoming unseen. I became overburdened with the sheer amount of effort required to retain a sort of persona in the public realm.
I was tired of giving into these urges. What were they trying to tell me exactly? As I speak these words into existence, one word sticks out above the rest. Connection. A need for connection. Hmm, interesting.
I don't really think that being present on social media is quite how you would accomplish that. At least, it certainly hasn't been providing me it. I slowly decreased the amount of content that I would post, mainly stories about my day-to-day activities.
A way to prove myself that I was in fact being productive or living a good life. Look at this. Look at what I'm doing. I would behave in a way that stated exactly that.
Sure, I enjoyed posting it in aesthetic ways with cryptic messages, and it would work to some degree, as I would then see people who follow me try to do the same or similar.
That wasn't what I wanted, though. I wanted to be seen, not followed, not emulated. I took a breath. I made the decision. I would go one day without posting anything at all. I felt the itch throughout the day. Look at this delicious pizza I made.
What about these muffins? My painting. Look at this progress. I held back on this urge. It was annoying, but I handled it. I did. One day turned into two, and I can't remember when the last time I shared was. Maybe just over a week or two.
I learned that no one cares. Now, that sounds mean. It's not in the sense that they mean me harm. It's more in the sense that people have their own lives, their own struggles. They have their own priorities, things they're facing, that my daily activities or progress or what I'm doing isn't their own priority.
It probably isn't even interesting to most people. I can't try to compare here. Most people post their own versions of their truth or what interests them, and I actually find I struggle to watch many stories or scroll through the internet these days.
I watch the minutes turn to hours, and then suddenly I've done nothing productive except see the world through the eyes of others. What about my own life? What have I been living in those moments in that time?
I decided instead that I would use this as a teaching and learning opportunity for myself. Instead of beating myself up, wondering why I'm unwanted, unloved, unworthy of praise or attention, I am looking at this as a reminder that I'm not important to others.
I am not the center of the universe or even their universe, but I am the center of mine. This is where I choose to focus and garner my own time and attention and learn to build up a way to be able to provide myself my own validation.
And maybe that of my closest people, because we can't do this life alone. Asking for reassurance is okay if it's genuine and from the right sources, people who want to see you glow and help you shine.
I'm starting to learn that instead of posting and caring what others think, it actually provides me with freedom, a lot of freedom, more than I had expected. I have the time to do more things that I love to participate in these things, these hobbies, to be able to do it in the most authentic of ways.
I'm being present, I'm in the now. I still get urges and probably will for a long time. Like yeah, I want to share this, I want to show this off. I stop myself, I remind myself, let's just keep this to ourselves, okay?
We can always go back to that way of being, but for now, it's kind of nice to try something different, different than what we've always been used to. It's also actually kind of fun.
It feels like I have these little secrets now that I get to enjoy and experience with myself and by myself, without it being a spectacle or a show. It's a nice time in space between me and myself or with those who I choose to share intimately.
It's hard. I want to share with the world what I create. I've been painting a lot and have created some beautiful pieces. I am, in fact, working on a new novel and I am confident I will continue with it, but I think it's better to be intentional with what I do share and who I choose to share it with.
This podcast will remain an open space where I do continue to share updates. That is because this is a place I want to direct my attention. Those of you who listen want to be here listening. It's not a common thing. It's more niche.
So it feels more authentic. It's intentional participation in my life. It's not an app everyone defaults to and mindlessly scrolls throughout. You need to choose to open this app that you're using to listen and click the button to start the episode.
Yeah, you could be tuning in while scrolling or doing other things around the house, but you could have easily chosen to listen to music or even a different show.
When I finish this book and it is published, I don't need to use social media as an excuse to be a successful writer or for advertising, marketing or book sales. That's actually not how that market even works. Thankfully.
As for my paintings for now, they're for me. If I want to share, I can do so on my art, my painting Instagram. For now, I'm enjoying myself and my presence, my talent and my gifts. I am using it as a way that allows me to be free to be me without fear of judgment, worrying about angles or what looks good, what doesn't.
Wondering if I will be praised or gossiped about or simply left on red or whatever version it is when people see and continue clicking without any notice or interaction.
I'm also finding that it's helping me build my confidence in moments where I feel so exposed, so tender, so raw.
Right now, that's good enough for me and that's all that matters. At least, that's the approach I'm trying to take and the perspective I'm trying to keep.