1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:09,200 It's been a while. Yeah. Today it's not a good day. Not a good day for sure. I had a 2 00:00:09,200 --> 00:00:16,200 good day yesterday, so the irritation that this day turned out in this way is the undertone 3 00:00:16,200 --> 00:00:23,600 of my mood. There's a lot going on in my head and within me that makes me feel like it's 4 00:00:23,600 --> 00:00:30,740 all getting to be too much. It's too much for where I'm at. I hate that everything depends 5 00:00:30,740 --> 00:00:39,000 on how I feel because today I do not feel good. Sometimes it feels like I'm a hundred 6 00:00:39,000 --> 00:00:46,120 years old. It feels like coming home makes me age an added hundred years as well. My 7 00:00:46,120 --> 00:00:55,380 body hurts. My soul hurts. I'm tired. Every part of me just feels burned out. Exhausted. 8 00:00:55,380 --> 00:01:03,040 It wasn't even 2pm yesterday when I sighed as I said, I'm so tired. To my mother. She 9 00:01:03,040 --> 00:01:08,440 told me, there must be something wrong with you to always be so tired like this. Maybe 10 00:01:08,440 --> 00:01:16,000 a vitamin deficiency? I sighed again. There are so many things to cause all of these 11 00:01:16,000 --> 00:01:23,920 feelings, this fatigue. I'm trying to recover from over 9000km of road that was erased to 12 00:01:23,920 --> 00:01:29,720 beat the snow. I've started working with a therapist to help support me through a battle 13 00:01:29,720 --> 00:01:36,440 that I have to train for so that I can go to war in attempts to get my life back. Metaphorically 14 00:01:36,440 --> 00:01:44,120 speaking of course. That alone is enough to exhaust anyone. My mind is constantly racing 15 00:01:44,120 --> 00:01:52,240 and the storms, oh the storms, constant, unrelenting dumps of snow that have been coming down from 16 00:01:52,240 --> 00:01:58,200 the sky, causing highway closures and the plows can't keep up. Any need to drive through 17 00:01:58,200 --> 00:02:05,920 the snow, the ice, at this point, it's so stressful. Being home is stressful. I just 18 00:02:05,920 --> 00:02:14,400 came from a space and a place where I was so zen. I did whatever I wanted. I had issues, 19 00:02:14,400 --> 00:02:19,520 yeah, and maybe I didn't go about it the best way possible. Yeah, but it wasn't like 20 00:02:19,520 --> 00:02:27,720 this, where I was so tired. I was able to shut my brain off. Here, impossible. I feel 21 00:02:27,720 --> 00:02:35,680 as though I need to be isolated for 3 days at a time in order to simply unwind. I recently 22 00:02:35,680 --> 00:02:42,560 had a very vulnerable, important, and heavy conversation with my parents, ones that needed 23 00:02:42,560 --> 00:02:50,160 to happen a very long time ago. While it went remarkably well, it still feels like, holy 24 00:02:50,160 --> 00:02:57,640 shit, things don't change overnight. My expression of my feelings and current state does not 25 00:02:57,640 --> 00:03:05,000 ensure that my environment will bend to my whim, to my needs. I crave space, quiet, and 26 00:03:05,000 --> 00:03:12,160 the loving support of embrace of my person, to feel safe, to let loose, to feel as though 27 00:03:12,160 --> 00:03:20,000 my body will sag, where I can be me wholeheartedly, and it's okay. I mentioned before what still 28 00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:26,880 seems to stand, a lack of time to journal. When I do, I don't have the energy to get 29 00:03:26,880 --> 00:03:33,240 into the heavy, important things. I just jot things down in a fury, because so much happens 30 00:03:33,240 --> 00:03:39,480 so quickly, and I worry I will forget it all. I know in the future, I will heavily rely 31 00:03:39,480 --> 00:03:45,720 on these journals to complete my memoir and other books. Sometimes, though, it's so tough 32 00:03:45,720 --> 00:03:52,400 and debilitating. It feels like a pit of doom to spare darkness. I guess it feels the same 33 00:03:52,400 --> 00:03:58,160 way you could describe the experience of winter in Canada, where it's so dark and dreary, 34 00:03:58,160 --> 00:04:02,840 where you put your head down in order to just keep pushing forward so that the time will 35 00:04:02,840 --> 00:04:09,080 pass. I wondered if coming back to the real world would have negative effects, where 36 00:04:09,080 --> 00:04:16,360 I would find myself resuming the grind, falling back into the hustle of the cultural expectation. 37 00:04:16,360 --> 00:04:21,920 It's unfortunate to note, it seems like I have. It's not work related this time, but 38 00:04:21,920 --> 00:04:28,200 it's a resumption in a capacity where I am unable to live freely as I desire, and it's 39 00:04:28,200 --> 00:04:35,480 fucking irritating. Resuming life with others is hard when you're so used to being alone, 40 00:04:35,480 --> 00:04:41,800 especially when those within the environment adhere to living within the norms, the rules, 41 00:04:41,800 --> 00:04:49,960 the expectations. This is why I crave a return to my partner, to live how I want. Though we 42 00:04:49,960 --> 00:04:56,040 will share space, I know it's much more in line with the life I want to be living, with 43 00:04:56,040 --> 00:05:02,320 the boundaries and attitudes that are better suited for my overall health and wellness. 44 00:05:02,320 --> 00:05:08,000 That sounds bad, and I don't mean it to reflect poorly on anyone. It's just a matter of, 45 00:05:08,000 --> 00:05:15,160 I don't fit certain molds. I know that no one in my family wakes up intending to be ill-willed, 46 00:05:15,160 --> 00:05:21,080 mean, or demanding. It's just that their routine has become customary, something that 47 00:05:21,080 --> 00:05:27,120 has been alive and well for 50 to 60 years, and I can't expect that to change just because 48 00:05:27,120 --> 00:05:33,600 I do things differently. It's weird to think that I was raised like that, yet here I am, 49 00:05:33,600 --> 00:05:40,640 so different. I try to wake up early with hopes of journaling in peace. Then, my dad will 50 00:05:40,640 --> 00:05:45,800 hear that I am awake. He will come out and eat breakfast with me, but want to engage in 51 00:05:45,800 --> 00:05:52,280 conversation of all sorts. Of course he does. I can't be mad at him or fault him for it. 52 00:05:52,280 --> 00:05:57,760 We don't see each other often. I have a different perspective than other family members, and 53 00:05:57,760 --> 00:06:03,320 I'm the one who is most like my dad to begin with. Of course he wants to talk to me, and 54 00:06:03,320 --> 00:06:09,640 I want to talk too, but I have this habit of mourning being my routine time, my alone 55 00:06:09,640 --> 00:06:15,880 time, to journal, to reflect. I struggle to journal at night because with a drained battery, 56 00:06:15,880 --> 00:06:21,440 I simply end up rehashing the day's events, where I don't put down feelings or thoughts, 57 00:06:21,440 --> 00:06:29,040 anything past that due to an inability to tap into that side of me. I'm tired, so, so, 58 00:06:29,040 --> 00:06:37,280 tired. It's tiring, all of it. Maybe I am being dramatic in this next part here. Maybe it's 59 00:06:37,280 --> 00:06:43,120 a result of the general population not being so open and forthcoming about their lives and 60 00:06:43,120 --> 00:06:49,720 what happens with them. Perhaps it's common, and I'm simply unaware. It just seems to me 61 00:06:49,720 --> 00:06:56,000 that I always end up with the weirdest of scenarios and experiences that I am presented 62 00:06:56,000 --> 00:07:03,520 with, that I need to deal with. These situations just add compounding stress to my life. They're 63 00:07:03,520 --> 00:07:09,400 not common occurrences, so the involvement of working through them is often not a simple, 64 00:07:09,400 --> 00:07:16,720 easy fix. It happens so often that I really shouldn't be surprised, yet I am still finding 65 00:07:16,720 --> 00:07:24,440 myself somehow surprised. I am so tired of being the strong one, the resilient one who 66 00:07:24,440 --> 00:07:30,560 has to go through these fluke situations as if to carve a path for everybody who is to 67 00:07:30,560 --> 00:07:37,520 come after me. Why does it need to be me? I know there are times that I can look back 68 00:07:37,520 --> 00:07:43,600 and see, yeah, situations like this happened that resulted in me acquiring some sort of 69 00:07:43,600 --> 00:07:49,120 luck, or getting really lucky with whatever the end result was. That couldn't have happened 70 00:07:49,120 --> 00:07:55,600 without the occurrence of these oddities, but they add to the stressful mess nonetheless. 71 00:07:55,600 --> 00:08:01,440 It's just more proof to me that I do not fit into a box of being considered normal, that 72 00:08:01,440 --> 00:08:08,560 I do not have a normal life with similar experiences that the normative population does. I don't 73 00:08:08,560 --> 00:08:14,600 know how to explain it past that. If you've known me for some time, you will likely have 74 00:08:14,600 --> 00:08:21,160 heard me vent about some of these things. I'll share with you the latest odd scenario 75 00:08:21,160 --> 00:08:28,080 that happened to me. I booked an online appointment to get my tires swapped onto my rims. It was 76 00:08:28,080 --> 00:08:33,920 on the American side of the border. All the shops in Canada were fully booked. Monday morning, 77 00:08:33,920 --> 00:08:42,600 8am. Perfect. I arrived at 7.45 to see they were closed. The sign on the door indicated 78 00:08:42,600 --> 00:08:49,320 that their shop opened at 9. Instead of taking that at face value, I started reasoning. Perhaps 79 00:08:49,320 --> 00:08:53,600 they weren't aware they had an appointment at 8am and didn't know they had to come in 80 00:08:53,600 --> 00:08:58,960 early today. Even though logically, I know that work hours don't change like that on 81 00:08:58,960 --> 00:09:04,560 a whim. That's not how businesses operate. I returned at 8.30, where I saw an employee 82 00:09:04,560 --> 00:09:10,280 starting to open shop. He came outside to ask how he could help, throwing in a reminder 83 00:09:10,280 --> 00:09:14,840 that at this time they could only accommodate appointments as they were extremely busy. 84 00:09:14,840 --> 00:09:21,600 I have an appointment at 8am. I said, he asked my name and told me, oh, I see your name here. 85 00:09:21,600 --> 00:09:27,560 We don't do online bookings though, so I'm not sure what you mean by that. What? Okay. 86 00:09:27,560 --> 00:09:32,080 He helped me get my truck into the shop. I set up inside, planning to wait until the 87 00:09:32,080 --> 00:09:37,640 work was done. The manager approached me to ask what I had meant when I had told the employee 88 00:09:37,640 --> 00:09:43,420 I had booked the appointment online for 8am. I explained it to him. That's not possible. 89 00:09:43,420 --> 00:09:48,680 We do not have an online booking service. The clerk behind piped up to inform him that 90 00:09:48,680 --> 00:09:53,840 he had received a work order that had printed for my truck with my name on it. He gave me 91 00:09:53,840 --> 00:09:58,440 the wifi password and allowed me to connect so I could show him how I went about booking 92 00:09:58,440 --> 00:10:03,520 this appointment. At first, he was convinced I had booked it at the shop nearby by the 93 00:10:03,520 --> 00:10:09,720 same name in a nearby city. Nope. Confirmed it was this shop. After seeing it and seeing 94 00:10:09,720 --> 00:10:14,200 that I had indeed received a confirmation email, he explained to me they were working 95 00:10:14,200 --> 00:10:19,000 on revamping their website, planning to eventually have a booking service in the future, but 96 00:10:19,000 --> 00:10:25,040 that it was in no way shape or form ready at this time. Clearly, it was live. I used 97 00:10:25,040 --> 00:10:30,640 it. He quickly excused himself to go and call the web developer to try to rectify the situation 98 00:10:30,640 --> 00:10:37,280 right away. They were so polite, kind, and thankful that I had alerted them of this oversight. 99 00:10:37,280 --> 00:10:40,760 There was absolutely nothing wrong with the service, and I'm really thankful that they 100 00:10:40,760 --> 00:10:45,160 were able to accommodate me nonetheless. It turns out they were already fully booked 101 00:10:45,160 --> 00:10:50,880 for two weeks and were turning away walk-ins while I was there and running short staffed. 102 00:10:50,880 --> 00:10:57,240 Maybe it's a sign I have poor coping, but here's how all of that went down for me internally. 103 00:10:57,240 --> 00:11:03,760 I get there at 8. No one's there. It feels awkward for me. I immediately feel I did something 104 00:11:03,760 --> 00:11:09,480 wrong, even though on paper and confirmed via email, I did not. I then start to think, 105 00:11:09,480 --> 00:11:14,080 if I'm not able to get the work completed, I won't know what I should do. All the Canadian 106 00:11:14,080 --> 00:11:18,800 Tire Services were booked solid until the end of the month. I had hoped to be on the 107 00:11:18,800 --> 00:11:23,880 road to get to Creighton by the 10th, assuming the weather would allow me to pass. So I think 108 00:11:23,880 --> 00:11:30,200 to myself, the alternative plan involves calling all 15 tire swap shops in town to see if I 109 00:11:30,200 --> 00:11:35,480 can't sneak in somehow. There's no way I can get across Canada on these bare threaded 110 00:11:35,480 --> 00:11:40,200 tires. I could barely break on time to get into the driveway when I would arrive home. 111 00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:45,920 I'd slide right past it. Otherwise, I'd need to book the earliest one and delay my arrival. 112 00:11:45,920 --> 00:11:51,760 More added stress. I don't know. Do people think like this? Do they stress like this? 113 00:11:51,760 --> 00:11:56,720 Or are they chill and go along with it to just see what happens? Wing it. Before they 114 00:11:56,720 --> 00:12:01,080 move on to worrying about the possibilities or the next steps of the current situation 115 00:12:01,080 --> 00:12:06,600 they're in when it's unexpected in nature, I certainly do not do that. I always have 116 00:12:06,600 --> 00:12:12,360 this need to be prepared for absolutely everything from start to finish for whatever it is that 117 00:12:12,360 --> 00:12:18,000 I'm doing. It's so bad sometimes that if I haven't checked Google Street View to assess 118 00:12:18,000 --> 00:12:22,840 the parking situation before my arrival or know what the exterior of the building looks 119 00:12:22,840 --> 00:12:28,480 like, I'm sweating the entire way and my heart is racing. When something doesn't go according 120 00:12:28,480 --> 00:12:34,560 to plan, it's a huge internal, fiery explosion where I can't deal with it and I just want 121 00:12:34,560 --> 00:12:41,400 to give up completely. Sometimes I'm paralyzed in space and silently beg for someone, anyone, 122 00:12:41,400 --> 00:12:47,040 to come along and help make the decision to sort it out for me. I know it's not a great 123 00:12:47,040 --> 00:12:53,160 way to think, it's not a great way to be, it's how my brain works. It's no wonder I'm exhausted 124 00:12:53,160 --> 00:13:00,320 all the time. There's also the issue that I tend to take on what other people give, 125 00:13:00,320 --> 00:13:06,240 as in the energy in the environment, it's quickly absorbed, burdens me greatly. As much 126 00:13:06,240 --> 00:13:12,000 as I have tried to learn to shield, there's only so much you can do when you're constantly 127 00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:18,280 surrounded by it. Being surrounded by people who are anxious and catastrophize everything 128 00:13:18,280 --> 00:13:24,440 is such a huge challenge. I may be able to shield myself from it and let it go for a 129 00:13:24,440 --> 00:13:31,000 short while, but being surrounded longer term makes it nearly impossible for me. The defenses 130 00:13:31,000 --> 00:13:37,080 wear off. If it's a constant topic of conversation, there's no ignoring it. Simply saying you 131 00:13:37,080 --> 00:13:42,040 don't want to discuss it or hear about it doesn't help when it's not your home. I would 132 00:13:42,040 --> 00:13:47,200 find myself building anxiety about things that I normally wouldn't be anxious about 133 00:13:47,200 --> 00:13:52,960 until the time came to do the thing in question and I'd be debilitated by the fear that had 134 00:13:52,960 --> 00:13:58,360 been planted there, that had grown there. It's frustrating to see this within yourself 135 00:13:58,360 --> 00:14:03,960 and experience it when you know you're not like this and you've worked so hard to change 136 00:14:03,960 --> 00:14:10,840 your mindset so that you are no longer trapped by fear like this on a constant basis. One 137 00:14:10,840 --> 00:14:16,720 positive, I went to a few spin classes while visiting my home and it really allowed me 138 00:14:16,720 --> 00:14:23,120 to just feel good, good in my mind, good in my body. It was an alternative workout to 139 00:14:23,120 --> 00:14:28,800 shoveling snow, which was a nice change. It was one thing that helped me feel hopeful 140 00:14:28,800 --> 00:14:33,520 that perhaps I could bring my feet back down to the ground to reassure myself that should 141 00:14:33,520 --> 00:14:39,280 I fall, there is indeed something solid on which to land. Some of this content was a 142 00:14:39,280 --> 00:14:44,400 struggle to verbalize in a way that won't hurt anybody that inspired the content of 143 00:14:44,400 --> 00:14:49,400 this episode, but I felt it was important to be as accurate as possible to offer full 144 00:14:49,400 --> 00:14:57,640 transparency. To summarize, I am so, so ready to leave, to head west and to finally settle 145 00:14:57,640 --> 00:15:04,640 in and rest.