1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:03,040 It's a strange concept to me. 2 00:00:03,040 --> 00:00:04,400 The new year. 3 00:00:04,400 --> 00:00:06,120 What it signifies. 4 00:00:06,120 --> 00:00:08,120 New beginnings. 5 00:00:08,120 --> 00:00:12,720 Except whoever designed the calendar placed it in the dead of the winter season, which 6 00:00:12,720 --> 00:00:18,480 is horribly depressing due to the lack of sunshine and where I'm at temperatures discouraging 7 00:00:18,480 --> 00:00:22,560 any leaving of the house unless absolutely necessary. 8 00:00:22,560 --> 00:00:28,120 I've always been more fond of the idea of spring as a new beginning, the new buds forming 9 00:00:28,120 --> 00:00:35,080 on the trees after the snow has gone, sunshine moving back in to allow nature to do its thing, 10 00:00:35,080 --> 00:00:41,600 beginning anew, growing new foliage, and coming out of a long hard season of hibernation. 11 00:00:41,600 --> 00:00:42,600 Same with the bears. 12 00:00:42,600 --> 00:00:46,320 They don't come out January 1st simply because it's a new year. 13 00:00:46,320 --> 00:00:47,320 No. 14 00:00:47,320 --> 00:00:51,840 They've got it figured out where they are unbothered by anything except what nature 15 00:00:51,840 --> 00:00:53,120 intended. 16 00:00:53,120 --> 00:00:58,960 This is why I always remind myself, as well as asking myself the associated dozens of 17 00:00:58,960 --> 00:01:04,440 questions that crop up while I ponder a topic, who designed this thing anyways? 18 00:01:04,440 --> 00:01:05,880 Who decided this? 19 00:01:05,880 --> 00:01:06,880 All of it. 20 00:01:06,880 --> 00:01:09,340 Ah, that's the real question to ask. 21 00:01:09,340 --> 00:01:16,000 I get that it's a rather arbitrary way of cataloging things, even in my own context. 22 00:01:16,000 --> 00:01:21,240 Technically, it's just a date, signaling the restarting of the calendar year as it's 23 00:01:21,240 --> 00:01:23,640 been cycled through yet again. 24 00:01:23,640 --> 00:01:27,320 I mean, Australia is currently in the middle of summer. 25 00:01:27,320 --> 00:01:30,880 That's also a weird time to start a new year. 26 00:01:30,880 --> 00:01:37,960 Then I think of how society has assigned all of these rules to this new beginning, the 27 00:01:37,960 --> 00:01:43,920 whole New Year, New Me bullshit that we're all used to stuffing ourselves with, as if 28 00:01:43,920 --> 00:01:49,960 we hadn't eaten enough junk over the holidays to make us prolong the discomfort of gluttony, 29 00:01:49,960 --> 00:01:55,880 as though a simple date can indicate that suddenly everything has changed, including 30 00:01:55,880 --> 00:01:56,880 you. 31 00:01:56,880 --> 00:01:57,880 Hmm. 32 00:01:57,880 --> 00:02:00,320 That's not quite how it works. 33 00:02:00,320 --> 00:02:06,160 I think I've got the right to speak of this from personal experience, especially with 34 00:02:06,160 --> 00:02:12,840 the last few years and what it's brought to me, complete and utter chaos, change, and 35 00:02:12,840 --> 00:02:15,560 multiple versions of a new me. 36 00:02:15,560 --> 00:02:19,240 But none of that had anything to do with the date on the calendar. 37 00:02:19,240 --> 00:02:25,040 I can assure you, if you're struggling to even have enough energy to do more than just 38 00:02:25,040 --> 00:02:29,640 remember to write a five instead of a four, you're not alone. 39 00:02:29,640 --> 00:02:32,160 And that is totally okay. 40 00:02:32,160 --> 00:02:38,680 In fact, I am too exhausted to even have looked that far ahead or consider the idea past the 41 00:02:38,680 --> 00:02:41,680 recording of this in the here and now. 42 00:02:41,680 --> 00:02:47,920 I didn't look ahead thinking, wow, 2025 is a new chance to get things started and make 43 00:02:47,920 --> 00:02:49,440 those changes. 44 00:02:49,440 --> 00:02:50,440 No. 45 00:02:50,440 --> 00:02:51,440 Life's hard. 46 00:02:51,440 --> 00:02:52,520 I'm tired. 47 00:02:52,520 --> 00:02:55,520 No doubt you're also tired. 48 00:02:55,520 --> 00:02:56,520 Society is tired. 49 00:02:56,520 --> 00:03:01,600 They're just too stuck in their ways to realize that they can actually change that. 50 00:03:01,600 --> 00:03:06,520 It's like that profit that draws a circle around the snake and the snake is convinced it can't 51 00:03:06,520 --> 00:03:07,520 get out. 52 00:03:07,520 --> 00:03:11,080 It's literally just a circle in the sand, guys. 53 00:03:11,080 --> 00:03:16,920 In fact, I didn't even think about what I wanted to work on or do to honor this change 54 00:03:16,920 --> 00:03:21,480 in the calendar year simply because it just wasn't a priority. 55 00:03:21,480 --> 00:03:23,840 I had other things on the mind. 56 00:03:23,840 --> 00:03:30,480 I only decided when making this episode that maybe I'd like to have a talk about my goals 57 00:03:30,480 --> 00:03:32,720 and my hopes for the future. 58 00:03:32,720 --> 00:03:36,000 What's important to note here, these are not new. 59 00:03:36,000 --> 00:03:40,640 What I bring forth is not new information coming out of left field. 60 00:03:40,640 --> 00:03:44,360 It's things I've already been working on and striving for. 61 00:03:44,360 --> 00:03:50,080 I'm just taking a moment in time to say them out loud, to reaffirm them to myself and to 62 00:03:50,080 --> 00:03:55,040 share them with you, to share with those of you who may feel pressured to make certain 63 00:03:55,040 --> 00:04:01,640 types of goals or any goals or resolutions at all because it's the thing to do. 64 00:04:01,640 --> 00:04:03,240 It's okay to not. 65 00:04:03,240 --> 00:04:08,360 It's okay to continue your life like you did two days before the ball dropped. 66 00:04:08,360 --> 00:04:14,240 Change is a personal journey and experience that only you can understand when it is the 67 00:04:14,240 --> 00:04:17,800 right time to start, if you want to start at all. 68 00:04:17,800 --> 00:04:21,640 That's something that belongs to you and you alone. 69 00:04:21,640 --> 00:04:27,120 In order to make this episode, I actually had to go back into my social media to find 70 00:04:27,120 --> 00:04:30,120 where I'd put my 2024 resolutions. 71 00:04:30,120 --> 00:04:34,960 I was too lazy to go back into my journals to determine if I put them there. 72 00:04:34,960 --> 00:04:36,320 Something tells me I didn't. 73 00:04:36,320 --> 00:04:40,080 My mind is such a disorganized mess sometimes. 74 00:04:40,080 --> 00:04:45,680 Then I realized, or I guess I found, that I didn't make any or I didn't document it, 75 00:04:45,680 --> 00:04:48,440 so I guess it didn't happen. 76 00:04:48,440 --> 00:04:50,680 Oh, that's where I'm wrong. 77 00:04:50,680 --> 00:04:56,400 Thankfully, my overflowing notepad has exactly what I intended for myself. 78 00:04:56,400 --> 00:05:02,400 Let's recap here and let me just say no one has had the privilege of reading this before 79 00:05:02,400 --> 00:05:05,680 as I forgot to post it after I typed it up. 80 00:05:05,680 --> 00:05:08,040 That's just my nature, I guess. 81 00:05:08,040 --> 00:05:15,080 Moving forward into 2024, my goals are myself as my first priority, in charge of meeting 82 00:05:15,080 --> 00:05:17,840 my needs first and foremost. 83 00:05:17,840 --> 00:05:22,760 As I start the new year in what may be the first healthy relationship I've ever been 84 00:05:22,760 --> 00:05:28,040 in, with a stable and emotionally intelligent partner, I still need me. 85 00:05:28,040 --> 00:05:34,600 I need to stay true to my values and stay grounded, manage my triggers, my fears. 86 00:05:34,600 --> 00:05:41,400 I want to continue practicing vulnerability, communication, and boundaries in all contexts, 87 00:05:41,400 --> 00:05:44,280 but most importantly, this one. 88 00:05:44,280 --> 00:05:47,640 Consistency within my habits and to create balance. 89 00:05:47,640 --> 00:05:52,000 I have come so far, but there's always room for continued growth. 90 00:05:52,000 --> 00:05:58,240 I also really want to ensure that I make space for the things that bring me joy, painting, 91 00:05:58,240 --> 00:06:00,880 reading, and writing. 92 00:06:00,880 --> 00:06:08,000 So let's review much of the relationships I had before were riddled with poor boundaries, 93 00:06:08,000 --> 00:06:13,800 codependency, and giving up of myself in a way that would result in me losing myself, 94 00:06:13,800 --> 00:06:19,440 where I'd resent the other person for my own inability to regulate, and almost always ended 95 00:06:19,440 --> 00:06:24,760 in an explosion of emotions where I would slam the door shut and just be gone. 96 00:06:24,760 --> 00:06:28,240 That's generalizing of course, but you get the gist. 97 00:06:28,240 --> 00:06:34,720 I took a solid three years of flat out refusing to date so I could get my shit together and 98 00:06:34,720 --> 00:06:39,640 build a solid foundation for me to trust my own commitments to myself. 99 00:06:39,640 --> 00:06:45,600 I met Tanner December 2023 and looking back at this goal, I did it. 100 00:06:45,600 --> 00:06:50,680 It was something we had discussed earlier on when we designed our relationship and throughout 101 00:06:50,680 --> 00:06:56,400 the year we encouraged one another to stick to our goals, reminders that we ourselves come 102 00:06:56,400 --> 00:07:00,360 first as people and then come together as partners. 103 00:07:00,360 --> 00:07:05,840 I think it will be an ongoing goal, but since this was the first real relationship of any 104 00:07:05,840 --> 00:07:12,160 substance after such a long period of singlehood, I would say I managed very well to stick to 105 00:07:12,160 --> 00:07:13,160 it. 106 00:07:13,160 --> 00:07:20,960 As far as creating balance, managing my triggers and fears goes, there's still work to do. 107 00:07:20,960 --> 00:07:25,480 Balance as I've discussed in other episodes is not something that I've learned. 108 00:07:25,480 --> 00:07:27,160 Never mind mastered. 109 00:07:27,160 --> 00:07:32,200 It's a huge reason why I had to leave work and even a trend I discovered while on the 110 00:07:32,200 --> 00:07:36,120 road as I mentioned in the travel recap episode. 111 00:07:36,120 --> 00:07:39,480 Did I make room for things that brought me joy? 112 00:07:39,480 --> 00:07:40,480 Sort of. 113 00:07:40,480 --> 00:07:46,880 I painted very occasionally, certainly not enough to count and I suffered in that way. 114 00:07:46,880 --> 00:07:53,120 Writing, I did a lot of journaling, almost daily, and I have about 80,000 words in my 115 00:07:53,120 --> 00:07:58,160 first manuscript waiting to be mashed together into a book, along with a few months of daily 116 00:07:58,160 --> 00:08:03,880 thoughts, so as much as I would chide myself into thinking I didn't do enough, I'm actually 117 00:08:03,880 --> 00:08:06,920 quite proud that I managed what I did. 118 00:08:06,920 --> 00:08:07,920 Reading? 119 00:08:07,920 --> 00:08:08,920 Yeah. 120 00:08:08,920 --> 00:08:09,920 I read. 121 00:08:09,920 --> 00:08:15,200 I had set a goal of 15 books and I hit the 34 mark on December 31st. 122 00:08:15,200 --> 00:08:21,160 As it stands now, I've already read 3 novels into January and I'm on to my 4th. 123 00:08:21,160 --> 00:08:24,680 Moving forward, my theme is staying true to myself. 124 00:08:24,680 --> 00:08:31,440 Yes, in the ways I listed here in my 2024 goals, but also in a deeper, more meaningful 125 00:08:31,440 --> 00:08:32,440 way. 126 00:08:32,440 --> 00:08:38,800 I've been thinking a lot about what is left to tackle in order to heal and feel wholeness 127 00:08:38,800 --> 00:08:44,400 and I know that for so long, too long, I've been so hard on myself for my differences 128 00:08:44,400 --> 00:08:45,880 and my struggles. 129 00:08:45,880 --> 00:08:50,520 How hard life has seemed to me compared to others and I'd shame myself. 130 00:08:50,520 --> 00:08:52,680 I'm going to put an end to that. 131 00:08:52,680 --> 00:08:55,800 My main focus will be two things. 132 00:08:55,800 --> 00:09:02,600 One, I want to be more gentle and compassionate with myself, forgiving, encouraging. 133 00:09:02,600 --> 00:09:09,120 If I could end this year by being able to genuinely tell myself I love you and mean it, that would 134 00:09:09,120 --> 00:09:11,800 be the greatest accomplishment of all. 135 00:09:11,800 --> 00:09:18,520 I will help myself meet this goal by practicing perspective shifts, viewing myself as a friend, 136 00:09:18,520 --> 00:09:24,240 talking to myself as if I was a friend, or even me at 5 years old. 137 00:09:24,240 --> 00:09:29,680 Sitting beside me as I struggle and reminding myself that what would help this little girl 138 00:09:29,680 --> 00:09:37,320 feel better, feel comforted and loved in those moments is exactly the things I need for myself. 139 00:09:37,320 --> 00:09:40,560 Then I'll tell myself those things. 140 00:09:40,560 --> 00:09:45,000 Progress will be tracked in my journal, which is where I do most of my thought work, where 141 00:09:45,000 --> 00:09:50,440 I challenge my beliefs and the negative things I say out of habit, rather than actually meaning 142 00:09:50,440 --> 00:09:52,560 it or feeling it. 143 00:09:52,560 --> 00:09:59,280 Hand in hand with that is learning to let go, to be, to accept what I can't change. 144 00:09:59,280 --> 00:10:05,400 A lot of my anxiety and worries come from a lack of ability to control the situations 145 00:10:05,400 --> 00:10:06,400 around me. 146 00:10:06,400 --> 00:10:13,080 If it's not perfect in its existence or actions as executed, there's a lot of self-deprecation. 147 00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:16,440 I know the reality is that life is what it is. 148 00:10:16,440 --> 00:10:17,440 It's messy. 149 00:10:17,440 --> 00:10:18,960 We can't change it. 150 00:10:18,960 --> 00:10:22,480 We just need to be with it, as it is. 151 00:10:22,480 --> 00:10:25,640 Make the most of it whatever way we can. 152 00:10:25,640 --> 00:10:30,320 Whether it's needing to comfort ourselves, seek out support and company from a loved 153 00:10:30,320 --> 00:10:34,920 one, or finding a way to see the humor in its ridiculousness. 154 00:10:34,920 --> 00:10:40,280 There have been many times in my life where I felt that the world would implode on itself 155 00:10:40,280 --> 00:10:45,920 because it wasn't happening in the ways I thought it was supposed to, as deemed by society, 156 00:10:45,920 --> 00:10:52,280 or whoever dictates these weird rules that everybody seems to desperately try to follow. 157 00:10:52,280 --> 00:10:55,360 That's way too much pressure to put on yourself. 158 00:10:55,360 --> 00:11:00,240 And I think about how our shoulders were only meant to hold up our head, not the weight 159 00:11:00,240 --> 00:11:03,960 of the world and everyone else's problems within it. 160 00:11:03,960 --> 00:11:10,160 I've already started working on this, as I learned to get comfortable with the uncomfortable, 161 00:11:10,160 --> 00:11:16,040 what is, sitting with my feelings and emotions when they're not the happy, pleasant ones. 162 00:11:16,040 --> 00:11:22,000 What this looks like is a lot of reminders, awareness of what I can do within myself to 163 00:11:22,000 --> 00:11:28,400 accept what has come about, rather than thinking about how I can change a person or the situation 164 00:11:28,400 --> 00:11:29,520 itself. 165 00:11:29,520 --> 00:11:34,400 This is an ongoing thing, so I can't really assign an end date. 166 00:11:34,400 --> 00:11:40,640 If I wanted to give into the pressure of ambition and keep in line with what society says I 167 00:11:40,640 --> 00:11:48,040 should want and do, I would list more, but I know that's not reasonable, it's not realistic, 168 00:11:48,040 --> 00:11:53,520 and it certainly doesn't mean that I'm practicing gentleness and compassion with myself. 169 00:11:53,520 --> 00:12:00,120 I can say with full honesty, I'm not interested in that, it wouldn't serve me, except to make 170 00:12:00,120 --> 00:12:06,240 me feel inept and to pressure me to focus on fixing and doing better so that I can remain 171 00:12:06,240 --> 00:12:12,560 distracted and give society what it wants, somebody who puts themselves aside to meet 172 00:12:12,560 --> 00:12:18,440 the demands of the system who neglects themselves and doesn't take the time to ask the important 173 00:12:18,440 --> 00:12:20,200 questions. 174 00:12:20,200 --> 00:12:24,360 For 2025, that is definitely not it. 175 00:12:24,360 --> 00:12:30,440 Even now, I feel cheap having listed these things out and talked about old resolutions. 176 00:12:30,440 --> 00:12:36,320 I'm failing to see the change in dates as a new beginning, it's really just any other 177 00:12:36,320 --> 00:12:43,600 day, any other time, the continuation of our life, natural progression along a timeline. 178 00:12:43,600 --> 00:12:47,400 The timeline doesn't just start over or give you new benefits. 179 00:12:47,400 --> 00:12:53,320 If the idea of a new year allows you to feel inspired and motivated to do better, then by 180 00:12:53,320 --> 00:12:58,040 all means, harness that positive energy and put it to good use. 181 00:12:58,040 --> 00:13:02,960 If it threatens to make you feel worse about yourself and your current situation, it's 182 00:13:02,960 --> 00:13:03,960 okay. 183 00:13:03,960 --> 00:13:08,320 It's okay to also choose to ignore it as what it is. 184 00:13:08,320 --> 00:13:14,240 Another gimmick, another trap to reel you into whatever can be bought and sold. 185 00:13:14,240 --> 00:13:19,320 Remember that your value is within you, and no one can take that from you. 186 00:13:19,320 --> 00:13:26,680 You aren't any less worthy or lovable because you opted out of a trend of new year's resolutions. 187 00:13:26,680 --> 00:13:32,200 There's nothing wrong with you for not being able to muster up the energy to do so either. 188 00:13:32,200 --> 00:13:35,960 In fact, I am giving you a pause if this is the case. 189 00:13:35,960 --> 00:13:40,840 It means you didn't continue to push down what your body and mind needed in order to 190 00:13:40,840 --> 00:13:43,720 do the thing that felt expected of you. 191 00:13:43,720 --> 00:13:47,560 Instead, you let it pass by because it truly doesn't matter. 192 00:13:47,560 --> 00:13:50,840 It's you that matters at the end of the day. 193 00:13:50,840 --> 00:13:55,640 And though you may be sitting in a struggle and finding it hard to accept this as a positive 194 00:13:55,640 --> 00:14:00,480 spin, it doesn't take away the fact that it's still a win. 195 00:14:00,480 --> 00:14:05,760 It's a way of you saying no, putting yourself first and recognizing that this isn't something 196 00:14:05,760 --> 00:14:07,360 that's important. 197 00:14:07,360 --> 00:14:19,560 You are what's important.